Tag Archives: doppelganger hijinks

Were you prepared for THIS? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Homecoming”

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It looks like someone just found out Charlie’s Angels was canceled . . .

Howdy, Fangbangers!  Well, it looks like we have bit, staked, compelled, danced, and de-hearted our way through another mid-season finale of The Vampire Diaries.  And man, was this episode a doozy!  For me, “Homecoming” struck me very much as the unofficial sequel / bookend to one of my favorite TVD episodes, of all time.  Of course, I’m referring to the epic “Masquerade.”

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Think about it.  Both episodes featured a major black tie optional event at the Lockwood Mansion.  Both episodes featured a plan, concocted by the Scooby Gang to take down a significant enemy, in which most of the main characters played a significant role.

Both episodes contained a number of shocking twists, turns, and fake outs, as the show wound its way toward its epic conclusion.  And both episodes offered up some doppelganger hijinks, which resulted in Elena being absent for a key portion of the action.

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Of course, there was one very important difference between “Masquerade” and “Homecoming.”  In “Masquerade,” the Scooby Gang’s ultimate goal was to KILL Katherine (or at least entomb her for a few million years).  But in “Homecoming,” Katherine ended up being, arguably the most important secret weapon the Scooby Gang had against their REAL enemy . . . Klaus.

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So, slip into your favorite dress or suit, and choke back a few bags of blood.  Because it’s time to attend “Homecoming” . . .

(Andre, as always . . . the screencaps were amazing!  Thank you!)

The Body

White Oak Daggers .  . . all the BEST Originals are wearing them.”

We begin this episode, with Stefan calling his boyfriend, Klaus, from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, to inform him that his Daddy’s dead, and to ask him what he wants to do with the body.

“I’ve been missing our nightly phone sex chats, Klaus.  You haven’t forsaken me for that Teeny Bopper Wolf, Tyler, have you?

The fact that this episode both begins and ends with a phone call involving the care and maintenance of Original corpses is just one of the many brilliant touches to this multi-faceted little gem of an episode.   Another interesting irony of this scene?  Stefan’s words actually end up being TRUE, by the episode’s end.

But, since we are just at the beginning, let’s try not to get too much ahead of ourselves here . . .

As it turns out, Stefan’s phone call to Klaus is actually the SECOND STEP, in the longest, most drawn out, Scooby Gang plan to murder its Big Bad . . . EVER.    We flash back a bit, at this point, to just about twenty or so minutes earlier, during which our stalwart crew engages in one of its trademark Pow Wows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  (We haven’t had one of THESE in a while.)

During this exchange, we learn that, Stefan is the only person who could successfully lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls, with the promise of Mikael’s death.  However, since Stefan has been compelled to obey, and be more or less honest with the Original Hybrid, Mikael must ACTUALLY be dead, in order for him to make this phone call.

So, Mikael graciously allows Elena to stake him, since, as a human, she is the only one who can do so with White Oak Ash Temporary Murder Weapon, without meeting her maker, herself.  Elena quickly does the deed, without much fuss.

“Oooh, yeah.  A little to the left.  That feels good.”

Then, Stefan makes his phone call, during which a very depressed, and clearly conflicted Rebekah, confirms the existence of her father’s corpse to Klaus.

“Well, of course it’s him!  How many thousand year-old vampires named Mikael do YOU know?”

Did I mention that Mikael’s “Big Bad Klaus Killing Weapon,” is nothing but another, slightly more phallic stylish, looking dagger?  Yeah . . . that disappointed me too.  I was hoping for some gruesome, gory, step-by-step dismemberment process, or something equally sexy or complex.  Not a an ornately hand-crafted wooden weiner  .  . .  So, much for Originals being “hard to kill.”

“Did someone say, ‘hard?’ 😉

Oh, and the worst part?  ANYONE (including your grandma), can hold and wield this dagger.  So, it doesn’t even possess any cool, non-Original vampire-murdering properties, like its slightly smaller predecessor.  LAME!

Just a small quibble . . .  I’ll return to Positivity Town, now.  Thank you, very much . . .

The Bonding

In a show of false bravado, Rebekah paints her toenails, as she waits for her Bad Dad to wake up, so that he can head off to kill her Big Bad Bro.

“You know, I haven’t had a good pedicure, since 1921.  THANKS Klaus!”

You know, I have to say, out of all the characters on the show, Rebekah wins the dubious award this week, for Character Whose Life Sucks the Most.  I mean, imagine helping your dad — who you’ve been taught to hate, your entire life — to kill your brother, because that brother killed your mother, and, to some extent, your ENTIRE FAMILY.  I mean, it’s not exactly the type of situation they make Hallmark cards for . . .

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What the f*&k are Hallmark cards?”

“Nothing you say matters to me,” says Rebekah, as her father returns to the living, though both vampires in the room, know this to be a lie.

No matter how awful our family members might be (and Rebekah’s are clearly the most awful of all), we are always subconsciously seeking their approval . . .

Mikael then asks where his precious peni$ dagger is hiding.  And Rebekah responds that Elena has it, the unspoken implication of that statement being, “I want to make sure you don’t try to impregnate kill me with it, you A$$HAT!”

“Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.”

Mikael, ever the warm and loving soul he is, promises Rebekah that he wouldn’t use that dagger to kill Rebekah . . . only her mother-killing brother.  “And [Klaus] will die for what he did,” explains Rebekah calmly. “But you did this to us, when you turned us into vampires.  YOU destroyed our family, not him.”

So, THERE!”

These were pretty strong words coming from Rebekah . . .  words that make me wonder how many thousands of years she must have spent in therapy to come to this very conclusion. 🙂  And while, Rebekah’s accusations clearly impact her father, I can’t help but wonder whether Rebekah too easily brushes aside her brother’s evil acts, as the mere result of his being an Original .  . .

Because yes, we are ALL a product of our families.  And Mikael’s behavior toward Klaus definitely scarred him for life, as we saw in last week’s “Ordinary People.”  Of course, Klaus would NOT have had all this power, to do all these bad things, had it not been for the spell that turned him into a vampire in the first place.  On the other hand, there are plenty of vampires who have bad dads, but don’t behave like Klaus . . . Caroline, being the most notable one.

Take THAT, fellow Bad Dad Vamps!”

But to some extent, Klaus’ own siblings, Rebekah and Elijah prove this point as well.  Because while both are generally pretty scary indiviuals, neither of them is Klaus . . .

“Yeah, I know.  I’m bad ass.”

This super intriguing scene, is followed by a super dull one, during which Bonnie mopes a bit about the fact that her ex-boyfriend would rather bang dead chicks than her.

“I know it might be fun to take time out of your busy Klaus-killing, Damon flirting schedule to talk about our feeeeelings.”

However, lest you think this TVD moment was nothing more than a two-minute waste of your precious pre-hiatus air time, I’d like to propose that this scene was actually MILDLY important, in that it hinted at the episode’s theme.

When Elena encourages Bonnie to open up and discuss her feelings about her Tragic Break-up with Jer Bear, Bonnie refuses, due to the fact that Elena is Jeremy’s brother, and will love him unconditionally, no matter what.

“Awww . . .”

“So, what,” you might be thinking.  “Jeremy wasn’t even IN this episode!  What do his Ghost F*&ker tendencies have to do with “Homecoming.”  Ahhh . . . true.  But the key word in Bonnie’s statement isn’t “Jeremy,” it’s “brother.”

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Do you see where I’m going with this?  Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

The Contingency Plan

Honestly, this picture has nothing to do with this section of the recap at all.  Consider this my way of expressing my own personal dissatisfaction at the lack of Damon shirtlessness, of late . . .

Damon and Elena are having sex making out making wolfsbane grenades, while Elena cautions Damon about the fact that more than half of the members of their Kill Klaus Team are untrustworthy vampire douchebags.  Fortunately, Damon is well aware of this fact, which is why he has a Super Top Secret Kill Klaus Contingency Plan.  HOORAY!

But before Damon can reveal, anymore, Ripper Stefan stops by to borrow a tie.  Apparently,  all Stefan’s regular ties are lame.  I love how becoming a Ripper has seemed to awaken Stefan’s latent fashion sense gene.  (Have you notice, his hair has improved, since he went “bad?”)  Now, since Stefan believes himself to be Season , Damon, he also apparently, wants to raid Damon’s Season 1 wardrobe  . . .

“Might you be so kind as to lend me a pair of boxer briefs?”

And yet, I’ve actually never seen Damon OR Stefan wear any sort of tie that wasn’t black . . . So much for pushing the fashion envelope!  Now, Klaus on the other hand, there’s a guy, who probably has some crazy ass ties . . .

“I once wore this tie, made entirely out of champagne glasses.”

Anywhoo, Elena seems to be in a pretty sassy, Katherine-esque mood, of late (an aspect of this episode, which will prove to come in very handy later).  So, she helpfully suggests that Stefan stay home from the dance, since he seems incapable of properly dressing his new evil self.

“I’m sorry, Stefan.  Damon no longer has any ties.  We’ve ruined all of them during our hard core screwing, fighting and biting sessions . . .”

Stefan jabs right back at his ex-girlfriend, reminding her that he has been compelled to protect her . . . and that her track record, both for BIG PLANS, and school dances . . . well . . . it pretty much sucks.

(Technically, this is true.  All three dances that Elena attended with Stefan, ended with her almost getting killed.  There was, however, one dance that ended decidedly better . . .)

In fact, Stefan “worries,” that without his company, Elena might find herself murdered by the homecoming queen.  Touche, Stefan .  . . touche!

“What’s that supposed to mean?  You think I’m not hot enough to win homecoming queen?”

Quick to stick up for his soon-to-be girlfriend, Damon helpfully reminds Stefan that, since he’s Klaus’ bitch, HE’S the one more likely to inadvertently screw up the Gang’s plans, with his compulsive (and compelled) honesty, when it comes to responding to Klaus’ questions and requests.

But Stefan retorts that only ONE person in the room has illustrated a habit for letting HER humanity get in the way of their plans . . .

“Ooh, what do we have here . . . Stefan Salvatore’s number? DELETE!”

Ahh . . . humanity.  If brotherhood is the theme of this episode, “humanity” is it’s buzzword, both in it’s literal, and its more metaphoric sense . . .

All Hail Evil Blood Sluts

Over at the school, two NON humans, Caroline and Tyler are glittering-up the gym together.  (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex.)

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Tyler suggests they ditch the glitter and go eat some people who genuinely enjoy being chewed on by vampires.   (Hmmm . . . hickeys from Damon and Tyler?  YES PLEASE!)

“Or I could just spray glitter all over your boobs.  Take your pick.”

Prissy Caroline is APPALLED by ths concept — overtly sexual as it may be — and chastizes Tyler for hanging out with, and being adversely influenced by, as Caroline calls her, That Evil Blood Slut Rebekah.

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“OH HELL TO THE NO!”

Tyler promptly moves himself even further into the dog house, by telling Caroline how That Evil Blood Slut Rebekah is going to the Homecoming Dance with Matt, as per his suggestion.  Caroline, apparently, thinks Matt is just too sweet and innocent to dance with an Evil Blood Slut.  (Really, Caroline?  Because he wasn’t so “sweet and innocent,” when he conspired with your mother to KILL YOU!)

Don’t think we forgot!

“Is this some weird family component of the sire thing?”  Caroline asks, frustratedly.

And I’ve gotta say, I simply adored Tyler’s response.  “I’ve got glitter all over my hands .  . . If I’m sired to anyone, it’s you.”

I guess that’s what they call it, nowadays . . . siring. 😉

(So, basically, becoming a Ripper has made Stefan a better dresser.  And becoming Klaus’ b*tch has made Tyler funnier.  In conclusion, EVIL IS AWESOME!)

Speaking of That Evil Blood Slut / Barbie Klaus, she’s over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, wearing her token red dress, we got a peak at last week . . . a dress that looks oddly similar to the one Caroline ends up wearing . .  . both to this dance, and to the “Masquerade.”

“I look WAY better in this than that chick I ate, who was wearing it last.”

Elena approaches Rebekah from behind, and attempts to bond with the super depressed Lady Vamp.  When Rebekah admits that this is her first Homecoming Dance, since she and Klaus have always been too busy running from Mikael to do anything resembling a real high school experience, Elena gallantly thanks her for helping the Scooby Gang KILL KLAUS.

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Then Elena offers Rebekah her old Original Witch necklace,  as a token of her affection and friendship, before LITERALLY STABBING HER IN THE BACK with that trusty white oak ash dagger!

“I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything to chance either,” says Elena, as Rebekah falls to the floor . . . just slightly more undead than usual.

“Does this stake in my back make my ass look big?”

OUCH!  Even Damon thought that was cold, as he wrapped the dead chick up in a blanket or rug, or something.  Talk about Katherine-esque!

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Nevertheless, Stefan’s words have caused Elena to worry about whether her humanity WILL screw up the Kill Klaus plan.  Knowing Elena’s track record of SH*TTY PLANS gone awry, Damon can’t actually disagree with her.  But he can promise her that, she won’t screw THIS plan up, since, from this point on she will no longer have any part in it.

“Do you trust me?” Damon asks.

“Yes,” Elena replies, unequivocally . . . which, if you know these two at all, you know is a pretty HUGE step in the progression of their relationship, both as friends and, MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY, for me, anyway, as lovers .  . .

“Then, you have nothing to worry about,” Damon replies.

Eeeek, did you REALLY have to say that, Damon?  Now, you’ve pretty much ensured that both you AND Elena will have something very significant to worry about, by the episode’s end  . . .

The Flood

One thing ALL the seniors at Mystic Falls High are going to have to worry about, is natural disasters.  After a flood magically appears probably because Klaus made it so at the school, the students find themselves without a suitable locale for their dance that night.  But, no biggies, Tyler can hold it at his house. . . .  You know, because that’s what filthy rich people DO, when the going gets tough .  . . they invite an entire student body into their living room.

That said, “Tyler’s” generous gesture reminded me a little bit of Logan Echoll’s “Alterna-Prom” bid, on Veronica Mars.

If you watched the show, you know exactly to what I’m referring.  If not, you can  just skip this comment, entirely . . .

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Matt too finds himself in need of a contingency plan . .  . considering that his “Original” Date, is a bit “DEAD” at the moment.  (Man!  That sucks, Rebekah.  Here’s hoping you stick around long enough to go to NEXT year’s Homecoming . . . though, I doubt it.)  Have no fear, Matt.  “ELENA” can be your date.

“Aww man!  Now I have to take ANOTHER hot girl to the dance.  My life sucks!  I so wish I was back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.”

Initially, I was annoyed by this development, since I REALLY wanted Elena and Damon to go to the dance as dates.  And yet, considering that “ELENA” was actually Ka . . . well, more on this later . . .

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The Wake

“I’m picturing all of you naked right now.  It helps that I’m not wearing any pants.”

Wow, “Tyler” throws a rockin, Homecoming Dance. .  .  complete with My Morning Jacket, providing the music for the evening, and more people in attendance than could possibly attend Mystic Falls High, EVER . . . especially considering the death rate at that school.  This, of course, makes Caroline FURIOUS.  She can’t date a guy who’s a better party planner than she is?  What would SHE contribute to the relationship?

“Aside from the obvious, of course.”

Of course, as Tyler admits, he didn’t actually plan this party .  . .  Klaus did.  And it’s not a Homecoming Dance, it’s more like a WAKE .  . . for Mikael . . . an event for which Klaus has been preparing for a thousand years.   (Hmm . . . interesting . . . is this your clever way of telling us that the members of the band, My Morning Jacket, are vampires? ;))

Odd though it was, Klaus’ wake for Mikael sure beat the one Matt through for Vicki, which more or less consisted of this . . .

Meanwhile, “Elena” and Matt arrive at the dance.  And Matt wonders out loud whether their attending together is “weird.”  “Elena” then tells Matt to “act normal,” and “not tell anyone” . . . a rather obvious indication that doppelganger hijinks have just ensued, for those who are paying attention . . . (Wow, lately Matt has been more involved in the Kill Klaus games than Caroline.  What exactly is this show coming to?)

The Cannibal

Klaus and Stefan make their first encounter, since the whole “Emotions Flip Switch” thing.  Klaus promises Stefan that, by way of saying thanks for delivering Mikael to him, Klaus will grant him freedom from his own compulsion, upon Mikael’s death.

(Awww!  How generous of Klaus!  Personally, I would have settled for a Wii Entertainment System, and one of those fun little “Just Dance” games.)  Then, Klaus and Stefan make out . . . Just kidding!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Mikael are shooting the breeze, and discussing Mikael’s all vampire diet.  Apparently, Mikael’s decision to hunt “the predator,” instead of the prey, stems, in a weird way, from his guilt for creating the vampire population to begin with.  Talk about eating your feelings!

This conversation is interrupted upon Stefan’s entrance, and instruction that Mikael’s “body” must be delivered to Klaus.  Damon responds that Stefan is no longer a part of the plan.  And then Mikael EATS HIM

Nom, Nom, Nom . . . tastes like Ripper.”

. . . well, really he just gnaws on his neck, a little bit.

I love how horrified Damon looked by the prospect of someone SNACKING ON HIS BROTHER, particularly given how many women and men, his brother has similarly snacked on.

My brother is going to have one hell of an ugly hickey . . .”

Damon suggests to Mikael that a neck breaking would have been a more humane way to temporarily take him out of commission.  I don’t know, I think the Vampire Hickey Method was great . . . It sure beats all those boring stakings, we’ve witnessed, of late . . .

“You wouldn’t feel that way, if I shoved this up your ass.”

The Betrayal

Back at the party, Klaus and Tyler are doing the whole “Hybrid / Sire” bonding thing, when Klaus lets Tyler in on a little secret . . . he has Baby Hybrid brothers, now!  And they are all at the party, waiting patiently to kill Tyler’s friends and lover.  Now, THAT’s sibling rivalry, for you.  But Klaus is not a total douchebag (just about 99.9999% of one).

“Don’t worry, Tylerpoo.  You will always be my favorite.”

Klaus then (1) compels Tyler’s mother to go to church, and PRAY for the Scooby Gang; and (2) he gives Tyler the opportunity to warn his friends about what’s about to go down, likely figuring that, by the time they try to do something about it, it will be too late, anyway  .  . .

Tyler then brings Caroline to one of his twenty or so BEDROOMS to have wild, hot, and dirty sex, YAY to talk about what “Caroline’s friends” are planning to do to Klaus.  Caroline claims she doesn’t know.  Actually, for once, she’s not lying.  But, she tells Tyler, that, even if she DID know, she wouldn’t tell him, because, as Klaus’ sire he’s Team Evil, now, and, therefore, can’t be trusted.  Tyler responds to this by .  . . VERVAINING HER IN THE NECK!

Would this be a bad time to ask, if I could borrow fifty bucks?  No?  Gee, thanks!”

Talk about COLD.  Apparently, this is a very bad day for Vampire Barbies.  It’s an OK day for Human Ken dolls, though.  Tyler finds Matt and commandeers his help to do what he, as Klaus’ bitch, literally no longer can: (1) bring Caroline to safety; and (2) warn the rest of the Scooby Gang that the Big Bad Hybrid, has brought some Big Bad Reinforcements, along to the party with him.

“Listen, Matt.  I’m going to do something very nice for you.  I am going to allow you to fondle my unconscious girlfriend.  I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?”

The Battle Royale

Here’s another important scene for you, that seems fairly useless, on first watch.  Klaus sees “Elena,” and stops by to metaphorically whip out his member to her, and remind her what a SUPER EVIL SUPER VILLAIN, he is.  When Klaus notes that “Elena,” seems nervous, she replies, “No, I just don’t like you.”

BAZINGA!”

Oooh . . . SASSY!  Klaus then warns Faux-lena that, whatever plan the Scooby Gang has cooked up against him, it’s going to fail, miserably, because . . . well . . . because clearly, while Klaus has been away on Hybrid business, he’s also been watching Seasons 1 and 2 of The Vampire Diaries on DVD.  There’s actually a bit more to this conversation.  But we don’t get to hear it yet, because we are busy watching Damon de-heart some newbie hybrid security guard.

“I hope you enjoyed your two seconds of screen time, Klaus’ extra!”

Our hero then enters the Lockwood house to find Klaus’ bitch, Tyler, on his way out . . .Wall  Slams and Bite Fights Galore ensue.  It’s kind of sexy, actually.

“Hey, Ty . . . mind if I throw a breath mint in their, before we finish fighting?  That’s pretty rank.”

Then Bonnie has to ruin tthe Glorious Tamon Moment with her Witchy Migraine making fingers, which she uses to make Tyler pass out.

Wow, I guess he’s REALLY not a fan of My Morning Jacket . . .”

And another one down . . . another one down .  . . another one bites the dust.

“I’m practicing my Thriller Dance.  What do you think?”

They really are just dropping like flies, this week, aren’t they?  I had to laugh when Damon bitched at Bonnie for Witch Migraining Damon, in addition to Tyler.

Dammit!  I have a Bonnie in my ear!”

Silly Damon!  Haven’t you learned by now, Bonnie’s going to take every single possible opportunity to torture you, at every chance she gets?

This is also the part of the story, where we learn that DAMON is the one holding the pretty, pretty Originals-killing peni$ dagger, since HE is the only vampire still standing with “permission” to enter the Lockwood mansion . . .

The Showdown

The moment we’ve all been waiting for finally arrives, when Klaus finds himself face-to-face with Mikael . . . having instructed his hybrids to bring the rest of the party outside, in preparation for this epic confrontation.  Of course, said confrontation would seem a whole lot more epic, if Mikael could actually cross the threshhold into the Lockwood Mansion.

“Might I be invited in for a bite to eat? I’ve brought this delicious doppelganger tart for you to try.”

Now, the Big Bad Pair are just standing a few feet away from one another, having a pissing contest.  Mikael goads Klaus a bit, reminding him what a coward he is, and explaining to him that, while those trusty hybrids were sired by Klaus, they could still be compelled to rip him to shreds, by Original Mikael . . .

Gay for Klaus . . . but ZOMBIES for Mikael.

Oh, and it seems Mikael has an ace up his sleeve . . . Elena . . . at knifepoint.  Hello, Blood Bag!  This pissing contest just got REAL . . .

You know, I talk a lot on this website about Ugly Cry Faces, but you know who has a GORGEOUS Cry Face, Joseph Morgan  . . . in fact, in the GORGEOUS Cry Face department, Joseph gives Ian a REAL run for his money!

HAWWWWT!

Klaus really gets those waterworks flowing, when Mikael starts telling him how nobody really cares about him, and that he can only earn loyalty by controlling it.

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Well, that’s only partly true, Mikael, I happen to know a lot of TVD fans, who care about Klaus, a whole bunch.

Klaus doesn’t really believe that Mikael would kill Elena, since she’s the lead female character on The Vampire Diaries his “ace in the hole.”  And decides to call his bluff.  Mikael then, tells Klaus that his impulses are what keep him from being great.  And so . . . MIKAEL KILLS ELENA  . . . on impulse, of course (which, I would have been a lot more shocked by, if there was actually a chance in hell that she would actually die).

O Face Alert!”

But it looks like the joke is really on Mikael, because, moments later, as Damon pops up inside the house, with his peni$ dagger, Elena comes back from the dead . . . Oh, wait . . . that’s KATHERINE!  And she’s holding those wolfsbane grenades we saw Damon and Elena making at the beginning of the episode.  “Ba-boom,” she says, gleefully, as she blasts those Baby Vamp Teen Wolves.

SUCKAS!”

“Baby you’re a fiiiiiiirework.  Come on show them whaaat you’re worth . . . without limbs.”

Things start happening pretty fast, then.  Damon BEGINS to stake Klaus, actually getting as far, as to have the knife in his chest (Honestly, I’m not sure, how he didn’t die instantly from that.  Peni$ Dagger officially sucks.)  But then STEFAN tackles Damon to the ground.   OUCH!

This causes the Peni$ Dagger to fall to the ground, and Klaus to get it.  Klaus then rushes out of the house, and stabs Mikael, causing him to burst into flames .  . .  (Well, that’s one way to clean up a dead body.)

It looks like one of those commercials for Tums antacids. 

Wow, nice knowing ya, Mikael, you were . . . not nearly as bad ass, as I hoped you would be.

You do have an excellent tan for a vampire, though . . .

Then, Klaus, who oddly enough, like his brother Elijah, seems to be a man of his word, at least, to some extent, generously frees Stefan from his compulsion, giving him the opportunity to face what he has done, should he ever decide to turn back on his emotions.

I’ll never forget you, Klaus . . . (unless you compel me to do so, which, under the circumstances, I probably wouldn’t  mind that much).”

But . . . will he?  More on that in just a bit . . .

The Break-up

Caroline awakens in some random Bedroom.

“I’m so glad that pesky vervaining didn’t mess up my hair or makeup.  I may win prom queen yet . . .”

Soon after, Tyler pops in, braced for a lecture.

“Well, this is awkward.”

As expected, Caroline is quick to scold Tyler for vervaining his girlfriend to keep her out of danger, as opposed to . . . oh . . . I don’t know, telling her to go home and watch Dancing with the Stars, or something.  But Tyler didn’t do that, because he KNOWS Caroline, and KNOWS that she would never be able to willingly leave the house, knowing that her friends are in danger.  In other words, Tyler stabbed his girlfriend FOR HER OWN GOOD.  (How very Damon from “The Last Dance,” of him.)

Caroline then admits that she is having issues with the fact that Tyler seems so very cool with being gay for Klaus.  So, Tyler, does his best to explain to Caroline why this is so.  And, for the record, I think he makes a pretty good argument . . . a selfish argument, sure.  But a good one.

You see, for Tyler, the coolest thing about being a hybrid, is that he can change into a werewolf at will,  or, not at all, if that’s what he chooses.  This means,  he never has to endure the painful transformation we witnessed him and Caroline experiencing together, last season.

So, what if Tyler is destined to spend the rest of eternity as Klaus’ b*tch?  At least that won’t result in him having to crack all his bones every month, while dirty, naked, and smoking hot, looking?  It’s a pretty fair trade, as far as Tyler is concerned . . .

I’ll drink to that.”

Tyler hopes that Caroline will forgive him his Klaus’ b*tchness, just as she forgave his killing that random slutty chick, back in the “Masquerade,” when their relationship truly began, his monthly werewolf-ness, that whole, “left her locked in the cage a few minutes too long,” thing, the “shooting” Stefan thing, and the almost killing Damon thing.  But, nope, apparently, GAY FOR KLAUS is the straw that breaks the Hybrid’s back.

All it takes from Tyler, is one look at Caroline’s face, and he knows the two are dunzo . . .

“One goodbye f*&K?”

“Think about it, and get back to me later . . .”

Honestly, I’m a bit surprised at Caroline, who is usually SO much less judgmental.  After all, Katherine didn’t NEED compulsion OR a sire relationship, back in early Season 2, when she forced the Vampire Barbie to spy on her own best friends, Elena and Stefan, and bring news back to her.  You would think that she, of all people, could understand the notion of being forced to do the bidding of those who are significantly more powerful than you . . .

In addition, to being a Forwood fan, who just LOOOOOVES watching these two crazy kids get naked on a regular basis, I’m upset by the Forwood breakup, because I suspect it will be what throws Tyler off the rails into full-fledged villainy, just when we were starting to examine the complex layers of his character.  Being Klaus’ b*tch is one thing . . . but being the Robin to Klaus’ Batman, is quite the other . . .

“No me gusta!”

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The Comfort (and the Cockblock)

“Is it hot in here, or is it just us?”

We get our Delena scene a little early this week, in that it’s the second to the last scene, as opposed to the usual last one.  And, while I was hoping for something a bit more substantial (like a kiss, or a love declaration) given this is a pre-hiatus episode, I’m still fairly content with what we got.

We find poor Damon by the fire, brooding, angry, and incredibly distraught over the fact that Klaus is still alive.  After all, despite having seemingly thought of EVERYTHING, and corrected all the mistakes of Plans Past, Damon and his gang still lost.  More adorable soulful crying ensues.

Fortunately, for Damon, Elena knows him well enough to know exactly what he needs, cupping his face, and comforting him, in a way that is sweet, romantic, and above all, surprisingly optimistic, given all that’s happened.  The biggest development in the Delena relationship this week, is the creation of this “we” Elena refers to.  Elena used to use Damon’s name every chance that she got, typically as a means for lecturing him, or setting his own motives and desires apart from her own.

But now, Elena views her and Damon as a unit, a team . . . a couple(?)  “WE will survive this,” Elena assures Damon, as she strokes his cheeks.

Source

“He’s never coming back, you know.  We’ve lost him, for good,” Damon says bitterly about his brother.

“Then we’ll let him go,” replies Elena.

Source

My,  my, my, have the tables turned!  Back during “The Birthday,” Damon was telling Elena that Stefan wasn’t going to come back to himself in her lifetime.  He was instructing her to let go.

Then, gradually, as the season progressed, Elena gave Damon hope that his brother would eventually return to himself.   But now, it’s Elena who seems willing to be free of Stefan, while Damon is still mourning his brother’s loss .  . .

Source

It seems odd that all of this is going down, just moments after Stefan’s been given freedom from Klaus’ compulsion.  But, hey, I’m a Delena fan.  Who am I to complain about a thing like that?

Speaking of me being a Delena fan . . . WE WERE COCKBLOCKED AGAIN!  AGAIN, TVD WRITERS!  Why do you hate us, so?  Damon’s and Elena’s faces were inches apart.  They were clearly about to kiss, when, RING RING RING, it’s friggin Katherine!

“Should I throw my phone in the fire, too?”

(And I never thought I’d say that about Katherine.)  Now, she’s two for two on her cockblock attempts.

Source

What Katherine says to Damon on the phone is fairly insignificant.  What IS significant about the scene, though, is who is in the car with him . . .

The REAL Deal

“You know, a few weeks back, you’re brother banged me in this car.  And, if you want to feel closer to him, that might be a good way to do it.  Just sayin’.”

“He still doesn’t know where it all went wrong,” says Katherine, frustratedly.

“He doesn’t need to know,” replies Stefan.

“I’m a little carsick.  Would you mind opening the window, so I don’t puke blood all over your face?”

When then flashback a bit, to learn that, during their meeting, Klaus told “Elena,” that, if Klaus died, the hybrids would be compelled to kill Damon.”  Katherine then went to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wake him up, and tell him what was about to go down.  She instructed Stefan to turn back on his emotions and FEEL something for his brother, who Katherine loved, just as much as she loved Stefan.  (I KNEW IT!)

Source

And so, Stefan is able to fight compulsion, once again, in order to do the unthinkable . . . allow Klaus to kill Mikael and win, in order to save his brother’s life.

“If he comes back to himself . . . it won’t be because he loves me, it will be because he loves you.”

Source

How tragic it is that it was this action that caused Damon to see his brother as irredeemable?

I find it interesting that Katherine views “humanity” as a vampires’ greatest weakness . . .

Source

. . .  while, Klaus believes that weakness to be “love.”

Personally, I think a vampire’s greatest weakness is sh*tty planning abilities . . .

Katherine instructs Stefan to turn his emotions back on fully (now, apparently, they are only on half mast), because she likes the “old him” better.  But Stefan isn’t quite ready to do that, and I can’t say I mind.  After all, like I said, Ripper Stefan is funnier than regular Stefan.  He also has better hair and is a better dresser.  In fact, I’ve been waiting for Stefan to be a VOLUNTARY Ripper for nine episodes.  And now, it looks like we will finally get just that.

Speaking of Stefan, now it’s HIS turn to have a contingency plan . . .

The Aftermath

“Whaaaaaaaaazzzzupppp!”

Just like in the beginning of the episode, Stefan calls Klaus again, this time to “thank him,” for his freedom.  Klaus is smug, and tells Stefan he’s very welcome, with a big goofy grin on his face. Then he opens his little coffin storage container, and finds it EMPTY!

“You know, I’ve been wearing this black getup for about three episodes, now.  Do you think Damon has any shirts he can lend me?”

(Now, I’m just wondering how Stefan managed to move all those coffins, and when, between being staked and eaten, all those times, he’s had time to do so!)

“We . . . are . . . family.  I got all my sisters with me . . . except one.”

“I’m still waiting for my homecoming date.  Do you think he stood me up?”

Anywhoo . . . remember how I said Ripper Stefan has better one liners than his more angelic counterpart?  Well, his last two lines pre-hiatus, might be his best ever.  “As someone who has been one step ahead of everyone for 1000 years, were you prepared for THIS?” Stefan asks with a smirk, as Klaus hangs up the phone.

GAME ON!

As for the promo for TVD’s post-hiatus episode, ‘The New Deal,” I’ve only been able to find the shortened U.S. promo for it, so far.  And, honestly, it feels like a bit of a cop out, considering that about 10 of those precious 20 seconds are spent on the DATE, and scenes from THIS episode.  Nonetheless, here you go . . .

I’m sure they’ll give us something more substantial soon.  But, for now, since it seems we have quite a few TVD-less weeks ahead of us, let’s discuss the first half of the Season a bit, in the comment section, OK?  What are your thoughts, on Mikael’s less-than-monumental demise?

“Goodbye, Cruel World . . . again . . . for good . . . maybe.”

On Forwood’s tragic breakup?

“Why couldn’t I just have said yes to the Goodbye F*&K?  Dammit!”

On Delena becoming a “we?”

On Katherine becoming Stefan’s conscience?

Oh, and how long exactly do you think it’s going to take Stefan to open those precious little coffin lids, most notably Elijah’s?

Because, it looks from the promo, like he takes his sweet time doing it, while our friends in Mystic Falls remain sitting ducks for Klaus?  I don’t know.  If it were me, I’d be de-daggering those family members so fast, my head would spin . . .

But, hey, who are we to judge, right?

Until next time, Fangbangers . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Loved Me Once? Shame on YOU! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Memory Lane”

“Tell me something, Katherine!  What products do you use on your skin?  I’m going to tell Elena get them.  Because you, my dear, don’t look a day over 150.”

He is a Vampire with a Heart of Gold . . . and some SERIOUS rage issues . . .

Welcome back tight Hoodie of Hedonism.  We sure have missed you!

She is a Vampire with a Heart of Coal, with a serious aversion to wearing sensible shoes .  . .

“Flats?  Who the hell wears flats?  I don’t even know what those ARE!”

As a couple, they enjoy past-times such as: staking one another . . .

. . . playing dress-up . . .

. . .  invading eachother’s personal space . . .

 . . . lying / manipulation . . .

. . . and, most importantly, hard core S & M . . .

In short, they are just like YOU and YOUR boyfriend!

So, while the promos for this episode tauted it as being the hour that, once and for all, pitted Katherine against Elena . . .

. . . I would prefer to refer to it as the episode that created TEAM KEFAN!

So, without further adieu, let’s take a nice stroll down “Memory Lane.”

“A Dream is a Wish your heart makes . . .”

The Year is 1864.  It is the night of the Founders’ Day Ball, which is being celebrated in the Lockwood Mansion.  Katherine has chosen Stefan to be her escort to the Ball, over Damon, because Little Salvatore is “the better dancer.” 

(That should have been your FIRST clue that this was a Dream Sequence.  Stefan?  The better dancer?   Need I remind you of a little episode I like to call “Miss Mystic Falls?”

 . . . Oh, and let’s not forget about this . . .

Sorry, Stefan!  I love you.  But you are NEVER going to beat your brother in Dancing with the Vampire Stars.)

So, anyway, Stefan and Katherine are at the Founders’ Day Ball, engaging in some serious eye f*cking, when Stefan begins to express some concern for his “poor older brother,” who has been faced with the ignominious fate of going to the Ball STAG!

But WAIT!  Damon isn’t alone, after all.  SOMEONE is there with him.

It’s Elena!

And she’s RIDICULOUSLY under-dressed for a ball . . .

Unlike Katherine, Elena is not in the mood to dance.  In fact, she would much rather play with Damon’s balls . . .

 . . . his pool balls that is!

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”  Katherine inquires, pointing the smoochy couple out to a very Broody Stefan.  “Don’t fight it.  You’ve loved me once.  You will love me again.”

Stefan awakens with a start — his “girlfriend” nuzzled into his chest, still fast asleep.  She stirs.  “What’s wrong, Stefan?” She inquires sleepily.

Stefan tries to ease himself back to sleep, but something is still bugging him.  And that “something” has nothing to do with his Bad Dream.  Stefan dashes across the bedroom, and looks in horror at the girl with whom he was sharing a sleepy cuddle, just moments before. 

“I am getting better and better at this.   It is EASY to get in your head,” says . . . wait for it . . . VAMPIRE KATHERINE!

 Dammit!  I knew I shouldn’t have drank that Easter Bunny before bed.  Those cotton tails ALWAYS cloud my judgment!

Stefan tries to scare Katherine away with threats.  But this is NOT a girl who scares easily.  “We both know I could rip you to shreds, and do my nails at the same time,” the Vampiress remarks casually, examining her well-groomed, but old fogey, fingers, for affect.

Painted with the blood of high school girls who tried to date my ex boyfriend . . .

Unnerved, Stefan insists that Katherine tell him the REAL reason she has returned to Mystic Falls.  But Katherine can do better than just ONE reason.  “I came back for three reasons, Stefan.  You, you, and you,” she replies.

Ummmm, Katherine?  Not to be nitpicky here.  But . . . isn’t that just the same reason, three times?

“I love you.  You love me.  We’re an effed up family.”

The Power of Peach Cobbler

“Elena Gilbert, I am going to bring baked goods to your house.   And there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it!”

Over at Mystic Falls’ ONLY bar / social establishment, Elena is “studying,” when Damon magically appears . . .

Because this is Episode 4, and we haven’t had a Shirtless Salvatore scene since Episode 1, let’s just pretend Damon showed up at the bar looking like THIS . . .

“So this is where you spend your time, when you aren’t busy stabbing people in the back,” offers Damon, conversationally.

Elena, ever the stickler for proper, dictionary-approved, insults, quibbles with Damon’s terminology.  “I tricked you into telling the truth.  That is not the same as stabbing you in the back.  That’s using your own tactics against you.”

“Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE!”

“I thought I made myself clear that I want nothing to do with you,” sneers Elena.

“OK.  See you at Useless Aunt Jenna’s barbecue!”  Damon sing-songs.

That’s right, Elena!  When Damon Salvatore isn’t getting laid, he becomes very Sherlock Holmes-y.   So, this  is ALL YOUR FAULT!  Apparently, Damon had casually suggested to Alaric that he and his new Useless Girlfriend, Aunt Jenna . . .

 . . .  hold a barbecue at Jenna’s house, and invite all of Jenna’s old high school friends.  However, Useless as Aunt Jenna is, she only actually had one friend in high school (well . . . two . . . really . . . but that Logan guy is dead, so . . .).  Of course, I’m talking about THIS GUY . . .

Geez!  The boys sure didn’t look like that in MY high school!

Contrary to what Alaric might have been led to believe, Damon’s reason behind suggesting the barbecue, had nothing to do with getting back into Aunt Jenna’s good graces, by using peach cobbler . . .

Rather, it had EVERYTHING to do with getting into Elena’s pants “silvering” Mason Lockwood — thereby exposing him as the “Wolf in Stud’s Clothing” he really is!

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion, Mason is still refusing to tell Tyler how the “werewolf curse” is activated . . .

Curse?  That looks more like a BLESSING to me!

. . . and Tyler is still hiding Mason’s “family jewels.”

Somehow I always imagined Mason’s “jewel” being . . . bigger.  Didn’t you?

Raising the stakes . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan and Katherine are still engaged in an intense game of Slap the Salami Cat and Mouse.  Katherine, who is clearly the Houseguest from Hell, has already made herself at home, reading Stefan’s diary, drinking Damon’s blood, and fondling the Salvatore Brothers’ personal belongings.  In her reading, Katherine couldn’t help but notice that the Salvatore Detective Agency had recently encountered werewolves in Mystic Falls.  “What do you know about werewolves?”  Stefan inquires, defensively.

“I know enough not to pet one,” jokes Katherine.

“Awwww!  You’re a sweet puppy, aren’t you?  Yes you are!  Yes you are . . . Hey . . . Owwwwww!  I needed that arm!”

Through a series of flashbacks, Vampire Katherine explains Mystic Falls’ long history with werewolves — specifically, the role the Lockwood Werewolves had in the destruction of the Hidey Hole Vamps back in 1864.  Coincidentally, it was the Lockwood Werewolves who “outed” the Mystic Falls vampires, in order to cover up their own messy lupine-esque murders.  The werewolves in question were led by, pillar of the community, and Civil War veteran, George Lockwood (played by the INSANELY sexy, Simon Miller).

But before Katherine will reveal any more information about George and the werewolves, she has some questions for Stefan.  “Why did you keep this picture?”  She inquires, holding up the very same grainy photo that so TOTALLY creeped out Elena, the first time she and Stefan “did the deed.”

“You didn’t come back for, Elena.  You came back here to fall in love with me all over again, didn’t you?”  Katherine coos.

Stefan moves toward her slowly, as TVD fans collectively hold their breaths.  He then runs his hand across her cheek, and looks deeply into her eyes.  “What is it about you  . . . that makes me still care?”  Stefan whispers.

The two start making out hard core!

And it is HOT, with a capital “H”.  But you know what’s hotter?  When he STAKES HER ASS!

And, as if all of this wasn’t kinky enough?   Stefan then chains Katherine up in his basement.  He then angrily knocks over a chair, and tosses it across the room, as he rushes toward her — growling and groaning, just inches from her face, while he torturously tickles her with vervain plants.

“I am so turned on right now.  You have NO IDEA!”

As Stefan tries to get to the heart of the REAL reason behind Katherine’s return, Katherine continues to fill in the blanks from that fateful night in 1864, when (1) the Salvatore Brothers were turned vamps; (2) the Hidey Hole Vampires first were entombed, and (3) Katherine escaped Mystic Falls.  According to Katherine, she had struck a deal with George the Werewolf Lockwood.  Katherine gave up all of her vampire friends and family, in exchange for safe passage out of Mystic Falls on the night of the raid.  She also gave George the same precious moonstone that Mason has been so intent on getting from Tyler this Season.

You know what that means, don’t you?  Remember that whole Big Brave Effort the Salvatore Brothers made to rescue Vampire Katherine from the clutches of the evil townspeople?  You know, the one that resulted in their DEATHS at the hands of their own FATHER, as well as their subsequent rebirths, as a result of Stefan EATING THEIR FATHER?

Yeah, that was all a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME!

But here’s the kicker . . .  lies and manipulations aside, Katherine and Stefan (those two crazy old fogeys), really did seem to be in love, back in the day!

Stefan was definitely NOT under compulsion, when he first told Katherine that he loved her, on the night of the Founders’ Day Ball.  “I’ve never met a woman quite like you.  You are an angel.  (Katherine?  An ANGEL?  HAHAHAHA) When I touch your skin my body ignites.  I kiss you, and I know that I am falling in love.”

(Sappy . . . but sweet.  Who knew our Little Stefan was so poetic?  Then again, Dude does keep a DIARY!)

“Hey!  There is nothing wrong with a sexy man who’s in touch with his feminine side!”

And I’ll be darned if our Evil Vampiress didn’t look like quite the smitten kitten, while a 1864 Stefan deftly pawed at her face.

In fact, Katherine was so shocked by the extent of her feelings, that she blew off Damon’s advances later that night — going as far as to COMPEL him to LEAVE HER ALONE!

Who does THAT to boys that look like THIS?

“Seriously?”

Oh, and when the towns people were about to burn her ass to a crisp, if she didn’t leave town IMMEDIATELY, you know what Katherine did?  She WENT BACK .  . .

 . . . and fondled / made out with Stefan’s CORPSE, telling it that they would one day be “together again.”

Yes!  I know it was a hot corpse!  But COME ON people!  A hot Dead Guy is still a Dead Guy!

Question: If a Dead Girl makes out with a Corpse, would she be considered a Necrophiliac, or just an Equal Opportunist?

I’m not trying to be judgmental Katherine.  Every girl has a “type.”  Yours just happen to be ancient, sleep in coffins and be maggot-infested.  Different strokes, for different folks, I guess.  PLEASE don’t eat me . . .

Lamest Barbecue EVER!

Useless Aunt Jenna?  Can we talk?  You just had a barbecue at your house with THREE HOT MEN — two of whom had superhuman strength . . .

 . . . the other one was Alaric.

You could have done ANYTHING you wanted!  Fun things!  X-rated things!  Things that did not require clothing!  And you chose . . . PICTIONARY?

ARE YOU INSANE??????????

I love how the writers try to make Useless Aunt Jenna out to be this Uber Slutty Former Rebel. And yet, every time, she appears on screen, she does moronically dull things like this.  But while Useless Aunt Jenna proceeds to get wasted at her own party, and, thereby, increasingly more useless, Damon entertains himself, by trying to see how many “wolf” puns he can make at Mason’s expense, before the dog bites him in the nuts.

“Lone wolf, Dances with Wolves, Hungry like the Wolf, the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf in the Three Little Pigs.  Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? . . . I’m going to take a shot every time I come up with one of these.  Hopefully, being inebriated will make this party more interesting.”

Things between “the Wolf” and “the Vampire” start out friendly enough, with Mason telling Damon, that he has “heard great things about him.”

“That’s weird, because I have a really big  ‘m a dick,” replies Damon.  (Oh COME ON!  Like I was REALLY only girl who “went there” with that comment . .  .)

However, after the umpteeth time Damon calls Mason “wolf-something” and tries to “silver” him, our favorite lycanthrope starts to wonder whether something is up.  “Listen, I’m not your enemy,” offers Mason, conciliatorily.

“You tried to kill my brother,” notes Damon matter-of-factly.  “I mean, granted, I tried to do kill him too a few times during Season 1.  But we’re related.  So, it’s OK.  But for you, it’s unacceptable.  The only one allowed to kill Stefan is ME!”  (OK, he didn’t say that last part.  But he SHOULD have!)

Mason then makes some lame excuse for the attempted murder of Stefan — something about not being able to control himself, after shifting and blah blah blah.  “Let’s not spark an age old feud that doesn’t apply to us,” insists Mason, ever the Serene Surfer Dude.

A slightly Drunk Damon reluctantly extends his arm for a manly handshake . . . and then . . . STAKES MASON WITH A SILVER KNIFE!

 

“That was so totally NOT COOL, dude!  You just like need to catch a wave, and CHILL man.  Spark a doobie or something!”

Mason is not really so mad at Damon for the whole “trying to kill him thing” as he is about the whole “ruining his buzz” thing.  “I was really looking forward to Last Call,” whines Mason.  “Now you’ve made an enemy.”

“Well, DUH!”

Back at home, Mason gets up in Tyler’s grill, about  the teens refusal to give him his “family jewels.”  Then, the Lone Wolf / Silver Surfer FINALLY reveals what it is that activates the Lockwood curse.  You have to .  . . KILL SOMEONE!

Me-thinks Mason Lockwood just got a WHOLE LOT more interesting . . .

Team Mean Girls Strikes Out

From the moment Vampire Katherine stole into Vampire Caroline’s room and told her that they were going to have “so much fun together,” we all knew it would be only a matter of time, before the pair were up to no good.  This week, we got to see exactly what “so much fun together” meant.  Apparently, Team Mean Girls’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to “Break Up Stefan and Elena” — a task that is easier SAID than DONE.

“Tell me about it!  I couldn’t even manage it, and I . . . look like ME!”

For Katherine’s part, she appeals to the “self-sacrificing” side of Stefan, which is, coincidentally, the same trait that convinced Caroline to get Matt to dump her, once she turned vamp.  Katherine, who had only pretended to be trapped by Stefan because chains are SEXY so that he would be forced listen to her story (Apparently, she’s built up some immunity to vervain), eventually, frees herself from her chains and attacks Stefan.  The vixen even goes so far as to stake Little Salvatore in his Hoo-Ha, after he finds himself morally unable to finish her off.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I will snap her [Elena’s] neck like a twig, and you know it,” threatens Katherine.

Elena’s neck.

“I will kill everyone she loves, while she watches.  And then I will kill her, while YOU watch,” Katherine continues.

(Awwww!  How sweet!)

Meanwhile, Caroline is busy engaging Elena in what I like to call the Twilight Talk.

With a whiny-ness that would make Bella Swan proud, Caroline fills Elena’s head with fears of wearing diapers, “while your boyfriend is still ridiculously hot” . . .

. . . never being able to have Baby Vamps . . .

. . . and always having to worry about your boyfriend eating you.  When Elena gets worried about Stefan not picking up his phone, Caroline offers to “drive Elena to Stefan’s house, to make sure he’s OK.”  Caroline then proceeds to let the air out of her tires, while Elena isn’t looking, so the pair will have to wait for the tow truck driver.  Eventually, an Angry Elena ditches Caroline’s Mischievous Butt and escapes to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.

It is there that she runs into Katherine.

The two size eachother up a bit, like a couple of kids playing “Steal the Bacon.”  I’m pretty sure, Katherine even went as far as to sniff Elena’s face.   Weird.  

“How is this possible?  How do we look exactly alike?”  Elena inquires.

Easy.  We are both played by Nina Dobrev.  You are asking the wrong question,” replies Katherine tauntingly, before disappearing into thin air.

Almost immediately, Stefan appears, and gives Elena a much deserved hug.

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Katherine encounters Damon, and warns him that, if he messes with the werewolves and tries to play hero, he will get himself killed.

“Been there, done that,” remarks Damon boredly.  (He’s got a point!)

Later that night, at the only bar / social establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Stefan get into a “fight” over how big of a threat Katherine is to Elena.  Elena pouts a bit and acts jealous, while Stefan admits that Katherine had “already come between them.”  The last remark causes Elena to stalk off.  Then, both Caroline and Damon, who are eavesdropping nearby, with their FABULOUS vampire ears, sprout identical sh*t-eating grins on their faces. 

Honestly, the fight seemed TOTALLY fake to me, from the moment it started.  I didn’t believe it was real for a second, and have a lot of trouble believing that Damon would fall for a poor showing like that.  Nevertheless, later, back at Elena’s house, Stefan and Elena hug again, and vow to keep their continued relationship a secret, in order to protect Elena from the wrath of Katherine, and her new minion, Caroline.

You know what that means don’t you?  Lots of SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

There you have it folks — a trip down “Memory Lane.”  So, what did you think?  Have you become a Team Kefan convert?  How long do you think Stefan and Elena will be able to keep up their “breakup charade?”  How far will Caroline fall into Katherine’s clutches to protect herself from harm?  Who do you think Tyler will eventually kill to become a full-fledged werewolf?  And, finally . . . and most importantly . . . in a fight between Mason Lockwood and Damon Salvatore . . . who do you think would look better naked? 😉

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eating his peas at dinner to convince him not to attempt SUICIDE THE SEQUEL.  Sure, Anna’s blood saved Jeremy’s life once.  But after a few hours, it will be gone from his system.  And next time, he might not be so lucky.  Mommy and Daddy Stefan and Elena ultimately decide to GROUND Jeremy.  Then, Elena heads off to the hospital alone, to check on Caroline.

“Does this mean I won’t get Christmas presents from Santa?”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING ME!”

“Ex-Girlfriend-Look-Alike-Who-I-REALLY-Want-to-Bang say WHAT?”

Back at the hospital, Matt and Bonnie are waiting outside Caroline’s room comforting one another . . .

 . . . while a surprisingly sensitive Damon comforts Caroline’s mom . . .

Which one is the cougar?

Then Elena comes, and Matt and Caroline’s mom inexplicably disappear (as both are wont to do, whenever anything good happens on this show).  Damon taunts Bonnie a bit about her inability to cure Caroline through witchiness.  He suggests that HE can heal Caroline by feeding her.  “The blood will be out of her system in a day,” explained Damon, nonchalantly.  (There go those RULES again .  . .)

Elena is skeptical about the whole thing, but Bonnie agrees with Damon.

 Then, Damon asks Bonnie if they can have “a TRUCE” and Bonnie says, “No!”

(Saying no to Damon?  That girl’s got some CAJONES!  Clearly, she’s never seen him do the Eye Thing . . .)

 Speaking of the Eye Thing, after Bonnie leaves, Damon lays a strong heaping helping of the stuff on Elena.  His fingers deftly grabbing hold of her tiny wrist, Damon propositions Elena to talk about “The Kiss that Made the Whole World Drool.”

“Listen, I know this is a bad time to discuss this, but I really think we should talk about what happened last night on the porch.”

(Oh, Damon.  You kissed a girl, and you actually want to TALK about it?  Boy, you ARE SMITTEN!  You are so DEEP in SMIT, it is not even funny. — Special thanks to Amy, for the “Deep in Smit” line ;)).

Elena, who of course, has NO CLUE what Damon is talking about, blows him off. 

“I know you want to forget about it, but I CAN’T!”  Damon stage whispers.

(Tsk, tsk . . . he’s like a needy pre-teen girlfriend.  Poor Damon!)

But just when we are about to have fun, Useless Aunt Jenna arrives, to spoil things again . . .

It’s Dr. Feel Bored!

Elena asks Jenna where she’s been.  When Jenna starts explaining how she SPOKE to Elena earlier (about her lame fire department errand), and Elena looks dumbfounded, Damon finally puts two and two together.  “You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!”  He exclaims, as the realization that he has just been Katherine-d, reaches his  skull . . .

“At least I fooled ONE of you . . .”

Stefan is at the Gilbert home babysitting Jeremy, when “Elena” returns (but WE know it’s actually Katherine, because she’s got big curly “F*ck Me” hair, and wears A LOT of eye makeup).

Stefan asks “Elena” about how Caroline is doing.  She says, “Not good,” and pulls him in for a hug.  Suddenly Stefan is TOTALLY vamped out, and has pushed Katherine against the wall.  (Unlike his brother, Stefan KNOWS his Straight Hair from his F*ck Me Hair!)

“Elena’s rollers don’t make curls that big.  And I would know, because I have borrowed them on MANY occasions . . .”

But the older, stronger, Katherine eventually gets the best of Stefan, and flips him to the ground like a WWF wrestler, disappearing just as Damon and Elena arrive back at the house.

Where do I know this facial expression from?

Yep!  That’s the one!

“What happened?”  A still clueless Elena inquires.

“Katherine happened,” explains Damon.

“If Katherine wants you dead, there is ZERO you can do about it!”

After heading upstairs to explain everything that is going on to Jeremy, Elena returns to the living room for the First Salvatore Summit of Season 2!

This small scene had some of the BEST quotes in the WHOLE episode!  So, please forgive me, if this section reads more like a script, than a recap.

“Katherine was in the house.  That means she’s been invited in by my Useless Aunt Jenna.  What do we do?”  Elena asks, nervously.

“MOVE preferably to mine and Stefan’s La Casa de Rich and Awesome,”  Damon snarks.  “Listen, if Katherine wants you dead you will be dead.  And there’s zero you can do about it.  But you’re NOT dead.  So, clearly, she has other plans.”

“Actually, Elena, I just stopped by to see if you would give me dance lessons.  And to ask whether you would mind terribly, if I ruined your ENTIRE life.”

But Stefan’s not really thinking about Homeland Security, right now.  He’s more concerned with GIRLFRIEND security.  Stefan wants to know what Katherine meant when she said, “At least I fooled one of you.”

Damon very proudly admits to falling for Katherine’s evil Elena Faking tricks, if only to lay this gem on his little brother.  “Just to prevent any more frown lines from forming on your very crowded forehead.  We kissed.”

“HEY!  I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!  I engage in a thorough cleansing and moisturing regimen on my face EVERY NIGHT, using six different creams . . .”

But, just in case, Stefan was unclear as to what Damon meant, Damon willingly elaborated.  “Two lips pucker and they .  . . (makes kissy noises).”

Now THOSE are lips MADE for kissing!

Stefan vampire lunges at Damon, but Elena stops the brawl, by explaining that SHE would NEVER kiss Damon.  (Nevermind, that she ALMOST kissed him, about 6 times last season . . .)

DENIAL, ain’t just a river in Egypt, Elena!

Once all the COCK fighting is done . . .

 . . . the next item on the agenda is figuring out what Katherine WANTS.

“She’s Katherine.   She loves to play games,” offers Damon. 

His proffered solution?  “Ignore the bitch . . .  then, we’ll stake her .  . . rip her head off . . . something poetic . . .”

(Ummmm .  . . and what kind of effed up POETRY is that, Damon?)

Elena’s and Stefan’s idea is a bit more cogent.   They figure, since Katherine tried to KILL Uncle / Father / Whatever John, he must know her motive.   So, off AGAIN to the hospital they go.

There, we learn that (1) Caroline’s alive (at least, for now); and

 . . . she has BAD taste in television.

I guess it would be too “meta” for her to watch The Vampire Diaries.

“I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

“Uncle John, your lipstick is a bit smudged.  Mind if I fix it for you?”

Once Uncle John is done freaking out at the sight of his own biological daughter, who he THINKS is Katherine, Elena returns his Ugly Ass Ring, to what looks like his re-attached fingers?  Perhaps, Elena neatly packed them in brown doggie bag, before carting John off in the ambulance?  (She can be very maternal that way.)  Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how they got back . . .

“Look MA!  No hands!”

Uncle John, who’s basically IGNORED Elena her whole life (not to mention, LEFT her with USELESS AUNT JENNA!), suddenly decides he’s Father of the Year, and, therefore, deserves a say in his daughter’s life.  He starts talking smack on Stefan.  “Kill me, or get out!  Because I can’t stand the sight of you with MY daughter!”  He grandstands, looking SUPER manly, in his wimpy plastic hospital gown.

But Elena isn’t having ANY of it.    “You see the world with such hatred.  It is going to get you killed,” she seethes, before storming out and leaving her Bio Dad alone with an angry vampire.

That’s when Stefan does this . . .

“Tastes like chicken.”

After forcing a nice heaping portion of Type Vampire Blood down Uncle John’s throat, Stefan explains that if John doesn’t leave town within 24 hours (There’s that RULE again.), “I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

(Sidenote:  It’s interesting to see this New Stefan, who has learned, since last season, to dole out his rage in a more controlled and effective manner.  No more munching on pageant princesses, when the hunger gets to be too much.  Also, Stefan’s comment to Uncle John about self-loathing, is a bit ironic — seeing as how, last season, Stefan was the most self-loathing vampire ON THE PLANET.  He used to believe that part of himself made him a monster.  Now he sees that he can use it to protect those he loves and get what he wants.  This scene is a perfect example of that.)

When Stefan admitted to Elena what he did, I expected her to be pissed and judgy.  But she was CLEARLY turned on by the whole thing . . .

“I’m totally undressing you with my eyes now, Stefan.”

Aren’t we all, Elena.  Aren’t we all . . .

“We haven’t officially met.  I’m Katherine.”

Meanwhile, the ENTIRE rest of the town seems to be at the Mayor’s mansion for the former Mayor Lockwood’s pre-funeral party(?), post-funeral party(?) . . . Whatever, it was, most of the guests were dressed more like they were going to hoedown,then to the home of a once prominent community figure.  Particularly, THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Mason Lockwood, who has many times been referred to as the “black sheep” of the Lockwood family, because he . . . likes surfing . . .

So, it was surprising to see this “black sheep” dressed in ALL WHITE.  Seriously, his outfit looked like the pajamas they make patients wear in mental hospitals.  (Note to Taylor Kinney’s wardrobe designer:  Was NOT a fan of Mason’s duds.  HOWEVER, I do have some pictoral suggestions, as to how you can remedy this problem.  Wanna see?)

Now, isn’t that much better?

At the mansion, Bonnie and Damon are busy engaging in Witty Eventually-We-Will-Screw Repartee.

“So, Bonnie, do you generally prefer to be on top, or on bottom?”

Damon taunts Bonnie, bragging about how he saved Caroline’s life.  This was the same life that Bonnie had put at risk, by handing over to Uncle John the Supernatural Dog Whistle thing that made Were Tyler swerve off the road, tossing Caroline’s body, rag doll style from the car.  Bonnie doesn’t like hearing the truth about herself.  So, she uses her witchy powers to shoot a large slushie in Damon’s mouth . . .

“At least she didn’t throw it in my face, like the do to all those Glee kids!”

 . . . giving him a massive case of BRAIN FREEZE!

At the exact same time, KATHERINE is entering the mansion, because TYLER invited her in, thinking she was Elena.  Bonnie also thinks she’s Elena.  So, she starts whining to the vamp about Damon, in such a way that you just KNOW she already has the hots for him.  “He just makes me sooooo UGGHHHH!”  She gripes.  (How many times have we heard THAT line in teen shows?  “UGHHHHHH” clearly = horny)

Bonnie also conveniently explains to Katherine how Caroline has Damon’s vamp blood in her system for a few more hours.  (Important later.)  But when Bonnie touches Katherine, her spidey sense tells her , “That’s one EVIL Bitch!”

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”

Bonnie’s suspicions are confirmed when she calls Elena on her cell phone, while Katherine is still in her line of sight, and Elena answers.  Bonnie tries to escape, but it’s too late.  “We haven’t met yet.   I’m Katherine,” says the vampire politely, before shoving Bonnie up against a wall and choking her.

Bonnie once again uses her inner Slushie to temporarily gain control, but Katherine regains it easily.  Finally, Bonnie is forced to spell the doors open, exposing Katherine to the rest of Mystic Falls.  And so, she is forced to behave.  How boring.  Fortunately, Stefan has arrived, to make things interesting for her (and us . . .)

“Wanna play with me?”

After drooling a bit over Elena’s ex and Caroline’s current Guy Friday, Matt  (“UGHHHHH . . . His eyes are SO BLUE!”  She coos.  See what I mean about the UGGHHHHH?), Katherine takes Stefan outside for a little chat.  “You wanna play with me,” she asks flirtatiously.

“How do I play, if I don’t know the rules?”  He inquires.

“No rules, Stefan,” she replies.

After being told he’s stronger, meaner, and sexy, the obviously aroused, Stefan (Can you blame him?  These two are HOT together, with a capital “OT”!), finally remembers he has a girlfriend.  “Don’t flirt with me, Katherine.  I’m not Damon.  I haven’t been pining over you for 145 years.”

“Based on your current choice of girlfriends, I’d say differently,” Katherine demurs (TOUCHE!)

Throughout the whole scene, the two characters are up in one another’s grills so much, you can almost see the steam rising from their bodies.  Katherine explains that she came back for Stefan — that it was always Stefan, and that it hurts that he has fallen for someone else.    Stefan assures her that he never loved her, that everything they had together was as a result of her compulsion on him, and that she is a “lying, selfish, manipulative bitch,” who he hates. (Gee Stefan, why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?)

“Hate, huh?   The way I see it, that’s the beginning of a love story, not the end,” posits Katherine, before calmly staking Stefan in the stomach with a poker.

Who knew the phrase “love hurts” could be taken so literally?

“Doppelganger hijinks ensued.”

“A Broody Damon is a Sexy Damon.  Heck, ANY Damon is a Sexy Damon!”

While Team Kefan fans are drooling over the Katherine / Stefan drama OUTSIDE, Team Delena fans are waiting hopefully for their favorite couple to return to their happy place, INSIDE.  Elena approaches Damon all concerned, and shrinky, wanting to “talk about his feelings.”   (Oh sure!  NOW she wants to talk . . .)  Back to being a typical dude, Damon claims he’s just fine.  “Doppelganger hijinks ensued,” and he lived to tell the tale.  (Give this man an “I SURVIVED Doppelganger Hijinks” t-shirt, please.)

But, not knowing when to give up, Elena keeps pushing Damon to open up, claiming that he is “hurt,” and in trying to deny that hurt will do something stupid.  (Gee, foreshadow, much?)

Knowing she’s right, Damon changes the subject to one he’s more interested in, “The Kiss.”  Clearly, all this time, some part of Damon (and some part of US fans) believed that, if Elena was on the porch with Damon that night, SHE would have kissed him too.  And its THAT thought, that keeps Damon going during what has already been a difficult episode for him.  And it’s about to get much worse.  “Why are you so surprised I would kiss you?”  Damon inquires probingly.

“I’m not surprised you kissed me.  I’m surprised you thought I would kiss you back,” responds Elena, without tone or emotion.

Massive hole in Damon’s heart #1

“Now, I’m hurt,” said Damon, sorrowfully, as the fans’ hearts collectively ache right along with his . . .

“I’d fight me!”

After skewering Damon’s most vital organ (at least, aside from his YOU-KNOW-WHAT), Elena heads outside to find Stefan hunched over, and nursing his own puncture wound.  Dr. Stefan, Nurse Elena is now reporting for duty!

Damon arrives outside, just in time to see Elena helping Stefan lift up his shirt, revealing those INSANE abdominals of his.  “Cover up, Fabio!  There’s a crazy ex on the loose!”  Damon needles.

“Hey, Fabio’s got NOTHING on ME!”

“Hey, was STEFAN ever in an “I Can’t Believe it’s NOT Butter,” commercial?   I don’t think so!”

Knowing the start of a Classic Pissing Contest when she sees one, Elena scampers away, and let’s the two “manly men,” duke it out over her LOVE (or lack thereof).  Damon gets in Stefan’s face and taunts him, desperately looking for a fight.

“Come ON!  Fight me!  I’d fight me!”  Damon taunts, shadow boxing like the adorable ten-year old he is deep down.

But Stefan is NO ten year old.  He’s not even a real 18 year old.  Stefan is 162.  And somewhere within the past year, he became “mature.” 

Maturity sucks!  I want to see a fight!

And yet, as much as I was disappointed that Damon and Stefan weren’t going to have a repeat of their classic Pilot Episode throwdown, I was PROUD of Stefan for FINALLY, after an entire season, being able to see the humanity in Damon.  “You kissed [Elena] because you feel something for her.   You care.  It means you are WILLING to feel something.”

Yep, Damon feels something all right . . .

But all joking aside, this was a very Sweet Salvatore Brother moment.  It was a moment when two brothers put aside their differences, and agreed to battle a common enemy, an enemy intent on tearing them apart.  You go BOYS!  (Plus, I’m sure they’ll fight over Elena at some point this season.  So, we haven’t totally missed out. . . . After all, good things come to those who wait.)

Speaking of fights . . . how did you LIKE Tyler tackling his MOM?

It takes a REAL man to fight a Mommy!

Mason explains to Tyler that his untenable rage is a result of the “Curse of Lockwood.”  (a.k.a. Were-curse)  And yet, you know what curse, I think Tyler has?  Curse of the Douchebag, that’s what!

Also on the NOT-Fighting list were Jeremy and Uncle / Father / Whatever John, who engaged in a rationale mature conversation about the merits of vampires (Jeremy was PRO, Uncle John, obviously, CON), whether Papa Gilbert was a vampire lover, the responsibility that comes with knowing supernatural secrets, and why the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality didn’t save Jeremy’s Pop’s from death (See RULES above . . .).  On first watch, this seemed like a throwaway scene — seeing as Uncle John was skipping town, anyway.  However, I’ve come to view this little scene as one of the most important ones in the episode.  More on that later.

“Kiss me or kill me, which one will it be?”

I know, I know!  Damon never FULLY took his shirt off in THIS, the HOTTEST scene in TVD history.  But I really like this picture.  So, I decided to use it.  You got a problem with that? 🙂

After having what seemed to me like the crappiest day EVER (heart broken, brain frozen, no one to wrestle with), Damon arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Katherine sitting on his couch, in front of the Perpetually Burning Fire (of Damon’s heart).  The two banter back and forth a bit, testing eachother’s boundaries.  Katherine claims she’s leaving.  (LIE!)  Damon calls Katherine old. (BURN!)  Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth . . .

Until, Katherine utters her iconic line.  “Kiss me, or kill me, which one will it be?”

That’s when things get REALLY interesting . . .

At first, it seemed as though Damon would get the battle he was looking for.  Him and Katherine rolled on the floor together for bit, snarling and scratching eachother, testing eachothers’ ability to withstand pain.  But the more they clawed, the hotter they both became.  Suddenly, Damon was straddling Katherine, and kissing her neck and her lips.  And . . . yes . . . I do believe dry humping was involved.  Katherine closed her eyes in ecstacy.  “See?  That’s better,” she whispered, lustfully.

(See what you’re missing, Elena.  I gather STEFAN doesn’t go for rough sex!)

Then Katherine rises from the floor, and the two start fighting again.  Katherine pushes Damon against the wall.  She rips open his shirt.  He rips open hers.   And . . . . we are back to making out and dry humping . . . For a few moments, it REALLY looks like we are going to get an honest to goodness sex scene on the CW.  But then, to everyone’s MASSIVE disappointment, Damon, ever the glutton for punishment, requests a “brief pause.”

“WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH  . . . YOU?!”

Poor Damon!  Well into his mid 160’s and STILL equating sex with love!  Silly boy!  Katherine is a Trick, and Trix are FOR KIDS!  A very emotional Damon tells Katherine that he will be willing to forget her basically screwing him over for  century and a half, if she just answers ONE question.  And, of course, we ALL know what that question will be . . . )

(LIE, KATHERINE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND — SO YOU CAN GET LAID . . .  and WE can WATCH!)

But Katherine DOESN’T lie.  She tells Damon that she NEVER loved him.  And that it was ALWAYS Stefan that owned her black heart.

The utter pain on Damon’s face in this moment, was enough to literally bring tears to my eyes.  I’m guessing brain freeze sounds like a good alternative to what you are feeling right now, huh Damon?

Massive holes in Damon’s hear #’s 2 through 145. 

“He got his wish.  I hate him!”

With all Damon endured during this episode, was it any wonder he turned toward the bottle?  Wouldn’t YOU?  At the Gilbert house, in Elena’s bedroom, Elena initially tried to comfort Damon, and stop him from being self-destructive.  She’s seen this train wreck coming ALL episode long, ever since Katherine re-entered their lives.  And yet, up until the last moment, she is still trying to avoid it.  Damon calls Elena a liar, for denying her feelings for him (which may very well be true.  But, of coruse, he is going about it ALL WRONG).

Then, in a move filled with heartbreak and desperation, Damon grabs Elena’s face and pulls it in for kiss, struggling with her as she tries to pull away.  The scene functions as a perfect contrast to the slow, sultry and gentle kiss that occurred between Damon and Faux-lena in the Season 1 Finale. 

Now, I’m Team Delena ALWAYS, so I was REALLY looking for something to get me hot in this kiss.  But, admittedly, there was very little.  Damon was too broken and too drunk to really work his mojo with Elena, and melt her heart the way we all KNOW he can.   This was Face Rape . . . plain and simple.  “I care about you.  I do.  I care about you,” Elena admits tearfully.  “But I love Stefan.  It has always been Stefan.”

(And, thus, we bear witness to the SECOND time in the episode, during which someone explicitly chooses Stefan over Damon.)

But this last one causes Damon to break, totally and completely.  After years of pushing aside his emotions, he finally let them win.  He fell in love . . .twice.  And all he got for it was heartbreak and pain.  He wants to turn off his feelings — the Great Vampire Myth, never truly realized.  He wants Elena to hurt the way he hurts.  But how?

And then it happens.  When Jeremy comes into the room, to see what all the commotion is about, we SEE Damon drunkenly rationalizing his next move, in that blurred head of his.  Others may dispute me, but I TRULY believe I saw him eye Jeremy’s hands, which were folded protectively across his chest.  Not just his hands.  His FINGERS. 

Then, Damon grabs Jeremy by the neck.  “You wanna be a vampire?”  He yells in the face of a petrified Jeremy.  “You wanna know what it’s like to turn your feelings off?  It’s really simple.  All you have to do is flip the switch and. . . SNAP,” concludes Damon, twisting Jeremy’s neck in one sharp turn, just as he did to Vicki the previous season.

Damon staggers backward, as Jeremy drops to the floor. Elena rushes to him, holding his hand to feel for a pulse.  Damon looks on sadly for a few moments, before leaving Elena alone to mourn.  (See?  If he REALLY thought Jeremy was dead, I DOUBT he’d be able to leave that calmly — especially in the highly emotional state he was in.)

Alone, a crying Elena looks at Jeremy’s fingers and sees the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, which, Uncle John must have given him prior to his departure from Mystic Falls.  Jeremy will live, it seems.  Now, Elena will just have to wait for him to wake up.  And then Stefan magically appears . . .

“I’m serious.  I have no clue when or how he got there.”

While Elena cradles Jeremy in her arms, waiting for him to reawaken, Stefan comforts Elena.  He tries to explain to her that Damon MUST have known that Jeremy was wearing the Ring, or else he couldn’t possibly have done that.  “He didn’t see the ring,” Elena argues tearfully, perfectly illuminating how, in the course of a single episode, these two have completely swapped positions, with respect to Damon’s humanity.  “He doesn’t want to feel anymore.  He wants to be hated.  Well, he got his wish.  I hate him, Stefan.”

Then, suddenly, Jeremy, gasps awake, just as he did early in the episode.  “Damon killed me,” he remarks dumbfoundedly. 

Well . . . technically .  . . yes.  But did he, REALLY?

“Game ON!”

Back at the hospital, Caroline is busy sleeping off a Jersey Shore-induced hangover, when Katherine enters her room.  “Elena?  What are you doing here?”  She asks groggily, seeming more than a bit annoyed at her “friend’s” unwelcome intrustion.

“My name is Katherine.  And I have a message for the Salvatore Brothers . . . GAME ON,”  She says evilly, as she smothers Caroline with her pillow.

There is a brief struggle, and then Caroline falls silent, her head lolling lifelessly onto her shoulder, her face pale and DEAD . . . or VAMPIRIC?  Remember the RULES, boys and girls.  Has it been 24-hours since Damon healed Caroline?  We already know that Bonnie TOLD Katherine about the healing . . .  so the knowledge is definitely there.

  Sure, a dead body belonging to the friend of the woman they both loved would send a message to Stefan and Damon.  But you know what would send a BIGGER message?  Having to BABYSIT a brand new vampire for ALL ETERNITY!  We all remember how much trouble Vicki was .  . . don’t we?

Sweet dreams, fellow Fangbangers! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

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The Vampire Diaries’ Drinking Game

Ahhhh drinking . . .

It can make you do STRANGE things.  Like dance . . .

 . . . or pass out WAY TOO EARLY . . .

. . . or .  . . well .  . . YOU KNOW 😉 . . .

And SOMETIMES . . . things can get REALLY crazy .  . .

Here at TV Recappers Anonymous, we CERTAINLY are not ones to promote excessive drinking . . .

. . . particularly to those of you who are not yet of legal drinking age . . .

However, if any of you were to . . . hypothetically . . . play a drinking game that was somehow related to The Vampire Diaries (say while watching the September 9th Season Premiere), here are some things you MIGHT consider doing . . .

You MIGHT want to invest in some “good” red wine . . .

 . . . because bags of blood are hard to come by, these days . . .

. . . and violence NEVER pays (Plus, it’s very messy.) . . .

Once you’ve got your wine in hand, here are some situations that MIGHT occur during the Season Premiere, to which you MIGHT want to drink in celebration:

1) If Elena and Katherine appear in the same scene, say, “Let the doppelganger hijinks ensue!” and take a drink.

2) If Stefan and Damon appear in the same scene, pretend to faint from the hotness overload . . . then, take a drink.

3) If two characters kiss, makeout with your pillow (or the person next to you, depending on who that is), then . . . you guessed it . . . take a drink.

4) If two people “do it,” sing “Bow Chicka Wowwow,” while thrusting your pelvis rhythmically, and take a drink.

5) If Damon compels someone, hold your arms out in front of you like a zombie, say, “Whatever you wish, Master,” then, take a drink.

6) If Tyler turns into a werewolf, howl like one, and eat a steak.   Just kidding . . . take a drink.

7) If Damon does the eye thing, attempt to do it too, then drink.

8 ) If someone dies on the show, play dead for a few seconds, then drink.

9) If someone you THINK is dead, ultimately miraculously comes back to life, say, “IT’S ALIVE!” and drink.

10) And, finally, if something TOTALLY INSANE happens during the episode, that you weren’t at all expecting say, “Holy Crap!” – then drink.  (This will probably happen, without your consciously thinking about it, anyway.)

So, there you have it — a drinking game specially designed for the Season Premiere of The Vampire Diaries.  Just remember, moderation is key.  And please . . . don’t drink and drive. 😉

He’ll be watching YOU!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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