Greetings, Fangbangers! It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite teen vampire show has always been a bit of a sausage factory . . .
. . . at least metaphorically speaking . . .
For four seasons, the series has been almost exclusively dominated, both in the hero and in the villain column, by eternally youthful and modelesque men with uncommonly large . . .
. . . muscles . . .
. . . super human strength, razor-sharp teeth . . .
tortured souls, and hearts of only slightly tarnished gold who, despite being instantly desired by everyone they meet, seem to only have eyes for the daintiest, most delicate, of damsels of distress, who just so happen to live right next door . . .
OK . . . so maybe they aren’t always all that dainty. But I think you get my point . . . Mystic Falls has almost always been a man’s world, where the women may be the prizes, but the men are typically the fighters.
And that’s always been OK with me . . . because . . . I like sausage . . . A LOT!
That said, this week’s female-dominated hour felt like a refreshing change of pace. It was an hour dominated by women heroines (and anti-heroines) joining forces to protect the men they cared about most . . .
. . . sassy foreign chicks with strange unidentifiable accents, who consistently outsmarted every single man with whom they came in contact . . .
. . . and
Quetzalcotal Q*bert Catsoup QUETSIYAH . . . a wacked-out, bad-ass witch who takes the concept of post-breakup brooding to an entirely new level . . .
(I mean, most of us just buy a pint of Baskin Robbins, break out the sweatpants, cry a bit on the couch and call it a day.)
Now, THIS is a Big Bad I can get behind!
Let’s review, shall we?
Because Hipsters Taste Like Chicken . . .
The episode opens with Stefan, fresh from his summer-long stint hanging out underwater with the cast of Finding Nemo . . .
. . . stumbling down a deserted street at near-dawn, looking less like a hungry vampire and more like one of the dancers in the music video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller . . .
He’s doing that dazed, sort of shuffle step thing you do when you’ve just gotten out of a REALLY long movie, and realize that at some point during the second half of Lord of the Rings you’ve forgotten how to walk . . .
Let’s not forget, Stefan has just been on a summer-long, starvation diet, which means he’ll look great in his new swim trunks. But . . .
Stefan’s first order of business as a free vamp is to get some breakfast to go. He stops at the generically named Joe’s Bar, where the only thing on the menu is a hipstery looking bartender who somewhat resembles Lindsay Lohan’s ex girlfriend, Samantha Ronson . . .
It’s far from the gourmet meal he was hoping for in that it probably tastes a lot like cigarette ash, overpriced hashish, and music by Bon Iver, but it will have to do in a pinch . . . Seconds after chowing down on the little lady, Stefan suffers a crisis of conscious, or maybe just a bad case of indigestion. Either way, he allows Not-Sam-Ronson escape with her life . . .
Then, Stefan rushes out into the sunlight, and falls to his knees in agony, while he waits patiently for his face to burn off . . .
Silly Stefan! Who goes on a tropical adventure and forgets to pack their sunscreen . . . ring?
I Dream of Steffy
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena Gilbert wakes up in bed in cold sweat, wondering why she had a dream about Sam Ronson, and thinking it might be because she’s been watching too many episodes of TMZ, circa 2008. Damon is lying in bed next to Elena, wondering how anyone could manage to sleep in La Casa de Rich and Awesome and have a dream about anyone other than him!
Then Katherine stumbles into the room and announces that she had the same dream. Damn that pesky, Sam Ronson! She ruins everything, including Damon’s beauty sleep.
Of course, everyone remembers that Stefan was in the dream too. So, they all head off on a road trip to Random Bar, USA to find Stefan, and literally “put a ring on it,” before his finely chiseled face starts to look like a sundried tomato . . .
Shortly thereafter, we are treated to a scene in which Nina Dobrev (Elena), other Nina Dobrev (Katherine), and Ian Somerhalder (Damon) drive to an undisclosed location, while other Nina Dobrev (Katherine) teases Nina Dobrev (Elena) about not really loving Ian Somerhalder (Damon) as much as she claims that she does, seeing as she continues to have mysterious dreams about
Sam Ronson Stefan . . .
Take into consideration the fact that Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev broke up in real life shortly before filming this scene, and you can imagine what’s going through Ian’s head right about now.
Talk about life imitating art! This scene is officially Ian’s worst nightmare come to life! And Damon doesn’t really like it much either . . .
But at least the vampire could take solace in the fact that he still has the girl, something his human counterpart can’t . . .
Invasion of the Pothead Snatchers
Back in Mystic Falls, exotic foreign chick, Nadia, gets a call from Silas, who thinks that Nadia’s last minute decision to kill her boyfriend in a convenient store was a crappy way of her to show her loyalty to the evil villain’s cause. He wants her to do something more profound. Clearly, Silas is being short-sighted. I mean, here is a guy who only drinks human blood out of styrofoam cups, because he finds taking it directly from the skin too tacky and classless. And here, Nadia killed her boyfriend in a place where STYROFOAM CUPS ARE SOLD! It doesn’t get much more meaningful than that . . .
Anywhoo, Silas wants Nadia to steal Bar-Boy Matt’s immortality ring (So much ring theft on this show, this week!) and kill him too. Nadia agrees, but you can tell she’s up to something . . .
She corners Matt in the back of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. Matt is understandably concerned, seeing as the last time these two met, some random dude massaged his face, forced him to wear black colored contacts, and then made him take a nap on the floor.
Sure enough Nadia is massaging his face, and forcing him to wear black colored contacts too! Except this time, Matt doesn’t take a nap on the floor. Instead, he starts talking like the villain from every action movie I’ve ever seen. He’s yelling at Nadia for killing him, one minute, and sucking her face the next. And it . . . is . . . AWESOME!
Truth be told, I thought Nadia’s beau Gregor was kind of boring. And Matt can be kind of boring too, at least when he’s not high on pot, then he’s HILARIOUS . . .
But Matt-as-Gregor? NOW THAT GUY is SEXY with a capital S! Who knew Zach Roerig had this in him?
I’m really digging this storyline.
Anywhoo, Nadia tells “Gregor” to call Elena using Matt’s phone. And though we don’t actually get to hear their conversation, we can imagine it goes something like this . . .
“Hey, Matt are you feeling OK?”
“Ahhh . . . ya . . .why?”
“Because you sound like the bad guy from that cartoon we used to watch back when we were kids . . . the one with the talking moose.”
Fortunately, for Nadia and Gregor, Elena is much too self-absorbed to pay any attention to sudden personality transplants exhibited by any character on this show whose name isn’t “Stefan” or “Damon.” And so, she willingly gives Matt/Gregor all the information he needs to find Katherine.
The last we hear of Matt/Gregor he’s asking Nadia to bring him to wherever it is she buried his body (Possibly in the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven where she took his life?). Later that night, Matt wakes up on the floor of his home with mud on his shoes, and no memory of the last six to eight hours.
Just another day in the life of Mystic Falls’ favorite pothead waiter . . .
Speaking of Strange Trips . . .
Stefan awakens in an abandoned cabin, having been rescued by a mysterious woman who looks suspiciously like Sam’s dead girlfriend Luna from True Blood.
At first, Mystery Woman seems like a pretty gracious host. She closes the shades to block out the sun. She offers him a hot beverage . . .
She tells him about how she rescued him, and kindly fed him the owner of the cabin in which they are staying, following his emergence for the sea . . .
Nevertheless, Stefan is understandably leery of his host’s courtesies. After all, this a woman who willingly admits to being in love with SILAS, a guy whose willingly tried on more different faces than a Mr. Potato Head doll . . .
A guy who threw Stefan’s body into the sea, and then nearly Single White Femaled him out of existence . . .
. . . a guy with more personalities than a game of Guess Who . . .
Clearly, a woman who loves Silas has TERRIBLE taste in men, and is generally not to be trusted.
Stefan, ever the gentleman, politely asks his gracious host why she doesn’t find Silas and go jump in a lake with him, never to be seen again. That decision might be good for Stefan, but it would be very bad for the storyline.
Besides, Silas doesn’t want to jump into a lake with Stefan’s host because, the truth of the matter is . . .
You see, Stefan’s host is not Amara, it’s QUETSIYAHHHHHHH!
Eat your heart out, Silas!
Though I’m generally not a fan of heavy flashback episodes, I do like when villains get to tell their side of the story in a way that’s more subtle and emotionally evocative than the typical last-minute, pre-death, desire for World Domination monologue we typically get in shows like these.
Yes, Quetsiyah (or “Tess” as she now likes to be called) is clearly a wackadoodle, bunny-burning baddie of the Fatal Attraction mold, who simply can’t get over the fact that the man she loved didn’t love her back . . .
But she’s also smart, savvy, and has a pretty legitimate beef against her old beau, Si . . .
I mean dumping your girlfriend, because you fell in love with her minion? Understandable.
But jilting your girlfriend at the altar, stealing her immortality cure, and using it on her minion? That’s just AWFUL!
Torture away, Quetsiyah! You’ve earned it!
Did I mention that Silas’ “True Love” looks like this?
I’m officially convinced that in about two seasons, the entire cast of this series will be played by either Nina Dobrev or Paul Wesley. It’s like Orphan Black for vampires . . .
Long story, short. According to Quetsiyah, she finds Amara, forces the cure for immortality down her throat, kills her, rips out her heart and offers it Silas, along with another vial of the cure, so he can die too. You know, like Romeo and Juliet . . . only really, really gross . . .
The problem is that Quetsiyah never planned on letting Silas and Amara be together in the afterlife. Instead, he created this weird walled off purgatory place where Quetsiyah and Silas would be stuck together, hating one another for all eternity. Ahhh, now we are back in familiar villain territory . . .
But then Bonnie dropped the veil, releasing all supernatural beings from purgatory, thus making it possible for “true loves” Silas and Amara to be together again . . .
assuming Amara is actually dead, and doesn’t pop up alive and ready to wreak havoc in the season finale . . .
So, now Silas REALLLLY wants to die . . . which means taking The Cure . . . which means killing Katherine and draining it from her body. Got it?
So, now we know what Silas wants with Katherine. And we know that Quetsiyah wants to somehow kill Silas, before he gets the cure, so he can end up back in purgatory with her . . .
We just aren’t sure what Nadia wants with Katherine . . . or why the Scooby Gang seems so intent to keep Katherine from Silas, even if that potentially means Silas staying alive longer than necessary and continuing to torture and mind hump Mystic Falls. I mean, are we sure Silas needs ALL of Katherine’s blood to get the cure? Maybe he just needs enough to fill an 8 oz. styrofoam cup?
To further complicate matters, apparently throughout history, in response to either Silas and Amara becoming immortal
though Amara was arguably only immortal for about five minutes or them not being able to be together, “The Universe” has created throughout history about 85,000 people who look like Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev just so they can fall in love and live happily ever after . . .
It sounds to me like “The Universe” needs to find a more productive use of its time . . . Maybe it could take up blogging . . .
The Clone Wars
Back at the generically named Joe’s Bar . . .
Damon and Elena question Not-Sam Ronson about her new neck hickey. And Not Sam Ronson rudely poisons Damon with a shot of vervain. But hey, at least it’s free booze, right? That stuff’s hard to come by, these days . . .
Then, Nadia pops in and asks which one of the Nina Dobrevites in the bar is Katherine, so that she can shoot her. Katherine “gallantly” points to Elena, but Nadia the body-snatching, threesome-having, boyfriend-murdering sexpot wasn’t born yesterday. She knows a curly haired, saucy, villain-not-quite redeemed Nina Dobrev when she sees one . . .
Nadia chases Kat into the woods, and, in an odd turn of events, Elena, the same woman who was so intent on murdering Katherine last season that she nearly lost her humanity for good over it, rushes to her rescue . . .
Unfortunately, Elena has never been all that good at rescuing people, and ends up getting her neck snapped by Nadia in the process.
This is your brain on Quetsiyah . . .
Meanwhile, back at the cabin, Damon has finally found Stefan, who Quetsiyah has helpfully tied to a chair and covered with plant life. So much for hospitality! She explains to Damon that she wants to link Stefan’s mind to Silas’ and then fry both of their brains, so Silas can no longer mind control people anymore. Possible side effects? Stefan might be forced to spend the rest of his life as a brain dead moron . . .
Well, at least it’s for a worthy cause. Let’s do this!
I can already tell I like Quetsiyah more than I ever liked Bonnie, because I found the former’s Latin mumblings amidst fire and candles riveting, while whenever the latter does spells, I have this inexplicable desire to throw things at my TV screen . . .
Stefan is bleeding out of his eyeballs, and Damon looks mildly frightened . . .
Just kidding, I’m sure Big Salvatore was genuinely concerned for Little Salvatore’s well being . . .
Meanwhile, back in the woods, Silas has located Nadia and Katherine. He is about to mind control Good Ole Nads (that’s my new nickname for her, I just decided) to shoot herself in the heart with a gun.
(I wrote a fanfiction like this once. Do you think Julie Plec stole my idea?)
. . . when suddenly he starts eyeball bleeding too. This gives Nads and Kat a chance to escape to a hotel, where hopefully they will have the lesbionic love affair fanfiction writers have been dreaming about for five seasons. I mean, come on! We already know Nads swings both ways . . . and Kat’s always struck me as being a bit “loose” sexually, if you catch my drift.
You know who’s totally not getting laid though? Stefan! He’s all bloody faced and passed out in a chair. This gives Quetsiyah the opportunity to tell Damon why he should leave his little bro behind to be the wacky witch’s human voodoo doll / love slave . . .
“Fire hazard, shmire hazard, Steffy . . . I thought you liked candlelight dinners? (Hint: If you don’t, I’ll make your eyes bleed and chargrill your brain again.)”
According to Quetsiyah, “the Universe” will make sure Stelena is endgame, despite the personal feelings of this particular TV Recapper . . .
Damon considers this for a moment, before ultimately deciding to do the “honorable” thing by strangling Quetsiyah, and taking his brain-fried brother home to recover on the couch . . .
“I’m Stefan Salvatore. Who the f*&k are you?”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena and Damon watch over a still snoozing Stefan, while they jointly agree that they don’t need no stinking Universe’s blessing to bone each other on a regular basis . . .
It’s a refreshing show of maturity for Damon’s character – who in the past has shown a tendency toward massively self destructive behavior – that he is refusing to let his own insecurities, or the words of witchy naysayers, get in the way of his relationship with the woman he loves more than life itself. Of all the characters in this show, I would argue that it’s the 175+ year old vampire whose grown the most since the series began . . .
We interrupt this heartfelt Delena moment, to bring you the last five minutes of every episode of a daytime soap opera I have ever watched . . .
That’s right, boys and girls. Stefan has amnesia! SURPRISE!
See ya next time, Fangbangers!
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