Tag Archives: Dorota

CinderWaldorf and Chuck Bashed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s ‘The Princesses and the Frog”

SERENA:  “Happy Character Assassination Day, Chuck!”

CHUCK:  “Oh, wow!  Today is Character Assassination Day.  I totally forgot.  Thanks for reminding me.  How are you going to spend it, Serena?”

SERENA:  “I’m going to pretend to be Blair’s friend to her face, while TOTALLY humiliating her, and ruining her shot at royalty, behind her back . . . all because she had the audacity to share a fake kiss with this guy I dumped . . . even though her and that guy claim they are only friends, and Blair is dating someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now!”

CHUCK: “Wow.  That’s good!  I hate you already.”

SERENA: “I know, right?  How are YOU going to celebrate?”

CHUCK:  “I’m considering getting wasted,  pushing Blair into a wall, and punching my hand through a glass window, so glass gets in her cheek, thereby, emotionally and physically scarring her for life!”

SERENA:  “Dammit Chuck, you are so much better at this than I am!”

*Sigh*  Oh, Chuck Bass!  I had such high hopes for you, in the beginning of the episode . . . you with your sexy perpetual 5 o’clock shadow, you’re gravelly “I just ate a pack of cigarettes” voice, and your 3-Day Diet of Bourbon, Self-Pity and Tears!

All you had to do was stay in bed a few more days, and WAIT!  Wait for Blair to take pity on your self-destructive soul, and come barging into your apartment, with her tough love, and a heavy duty bottle of disinfectant to get rid of the alcoholic stink.  All you had to do was shed a few tears, and milk the Vulnerability Card for a few exta moments, and THIS could have been you again . . .

 . . . and THAT would have inevitably led to THIS . . .

But NOOOOOO!  The writers You had to go and F*&K UP SO ROYALLY that your fandom is now literally in tatters.  Emotional and physical abuse is simply not something even the staunchest Chair Fan can condone. 

It’s funny, as a The Vampire Diaries fan, in my recap for THAT show last week, I wondered briefly whether a Delena fan (Damon and Elena) had pissed in the writers’ Cheerios, to cause them take a particularly harsh narrative turn with the male character in that prospective couple.  Well, I’m now wondering whether a Chair fan BLEW UP THOSE CHEERIOS WITH AN M-80 to deserve THIS turn of events . . .

“Don’t . . . mess . . . with . . . my .  . . Cheerios.”

But . . . ummmm . . . other than that it was a great episode!  (See?  Trying to stay positive here . . .)  On to the recap!

“I’ve Got a Royal Boyfriend, and you DON’T.  (Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah)”

BLAIR:  “Louis, don’t you think we are taking this whole Relationship Thing a bit too fast?  I mean, I really hardly know you.  And you haven’t even been signed as a series regular yet.”

LOUIS:  (in adorable, but almost incomprehensible, French accent)  “Of course, not Claire!  I love you, more than life itself.  And when you know in your heart you love someone that much, why take things slow?”

BLAIR:  “Um . . . my name is BLAIR.”

LOUIS: “Really?  Oops.”

After a night spent making out under the romantic lights of papparazzi flashbulbs, Blair and Louis continue their public courtship, by spending their afternoons and evenings doing things that make Blair look more “princess-esque” (like hanging out in sports bars, and acting, as Blair says, “pious”) . . .

“Take that, Kate Middleton!”

They then spend their mornings in bed, being nauseatingly sweet to one another.  (Seriously, if I have to hear Blair say, “LOUIIIIIIIIIEEEEE” one more time this season, I think I’m going to throw my stilettos at the television screen!)

Good job, Louis!  Kiss her and shut her up!

Roommate Serena grins and bears this.  But you can tell from the evil glint in her eye, that she wishes to chop Blair up into tiny bite-sized pieces, for having the GALL to steal her precious spotlight away, for even a single episode.

“I’ll get you My Pretty . . . and your little Guest Star Love Interest TOO!  Mwah-ha-ha!”

Later we learn just how far Serena is willing to go to get revenge on Blair, when the EEEEEVVVVILLLL Princess Sophie barges in on one of Louis’ and Blair’s tete-a-tetes to announce that Louis is . . . ALREADY ENGAGED!

“LOUIS!  You stop having fun, this INSTANT!  Don’t you know royal people are genetically predisposed to never have a good time!  Look at me!  The last time I smiled I was two-months old.  And that was only because I had gas.”

After her outburst, Princess Bitchy calls Serena on the phone to thank her for the tip.  FOR SHAME, SERENA!

“So . . . now that I’ve helped you out with your son.  Do you think you could set me up with Prince Harry?  Now THERE’S a royal who LIKES TO PARTY!”

Princess Sophie Reads Gossip Girl? 

Later Louis visits Blair’s house to apologize about the whole “Being Engaged” thing.  As it turns out, Princess Sophie wasn’t being entirely honest.  You see, Louis isn’t engaged YET, but he has to be engaged BY TOMORROW. 

OK . . . so remember how, in Cinderella, the Prince threw a Royal Ball, and invited all the “eligible ladies” in the land, so that he could pick which princess to marry?

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Well, apparently, wherever Prince Louis is from (I think they said Monaco?) that ritual is actually not Total Bullsh*t.  It REALLY HAPPENS!  Go figure!

But Louis doesn’t want any of these Ugly Stepsister So-Called Princesses!  He wants Blair!  Now, all Blair has  to do is convince her Evil Stepmother Princess Sophie to let her attend the Royal Ball.  Once THAT happens, Blair is as good as engaged, herself! 

There’s just one problem . . .

As it turns out the Wicked Witch of the West (Wait . . . wrong story) one Not Particularly Ugly Stepsister has yet ANOTHER trick up her sleeve to sabotage Blair’s Big Day.  By the time Blair arrives for her interview with Princess Sophie, the latter already has at her disposal a full printed dossier on Poor Miss Waldorf, care of Gossip Girl and some Biatch Named Serena . . .

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

In a surprisingly amusing scene, Princess Sophie proceeds to detail ALL of Blair Waldorf’s best hits from FOUR Seasons Gossip Girl.  Some of the highlights include: dating a Lord who was having an affair with his own STEPMOTHER  (Not really Blair’s fault.) . . .

EWWWWWW!

. . .  having a pregnancy scare  (COME ON!  Who hasn’t had one of THOSE?), being traded for a hotel (also not exactly her fault) . . .

. . . and dancing at a Burlesque Club . . .

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Come on, now!  THAT was awesome!

But as Eric van der Woodsen says to Serena, “Only Blair Waldorf can do Blair Waldorf.”  So, of course, Blair deftly turns the situation on its head, arguing to Princess Sophie that her lifetime of public humiliation is actually a GOOD THING!

Huh?

After all, with Gossip Girl systematically pulling all the skeletons out of Blair’s closet, since she was fourteen, at least the Royal Family knows the Queen B has nothing else to hide, right?  Or DOES SHE?

Nevertheless, Blair’s eloquent argument impresses Princess Sophie enough to earn her an invitation to the Prince’s Ball.  As her date to the event, Blair chooses to invite so-called Bestie Serena, even though the latter, as we know, has been pretty much pooping on Blair’s Joy, throughout the entire episode.

On the surface, Blair’s decision to invite Serena to the Ball seems like the Stupidest Idea Ever.  On the other hand, you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer . . .”

BLAIR:   “Is there a knife in my dress?”

SERENA:  “Not in the front.  Turn around.  Let me see the back.”

Speaking of Blonde Sociopaths . . .

Charlie Defeats Vanessa, Fans Cheer (But then become extremely frightened . . )

*sings*  “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, hey, hey, hey GOODBYE!”

Did I not call it, about Charlie being a TOTAL WACKADOO?  I believe I did!  And yet, as much as I don’t like Charlie, I have to give the character at least SOME credit for efficiently disposing of a character I hate EVEN MORE!  Of course, I am talking about the sniveling, conniving, yet still surprisingly dull, MANESSA!

Rufus Humphrey, an aging has-been rocker from the early 90’s, knows a thing or two about Creepy Groupies . . . the kind that cut out tufts of your hair, while you are sleeping, and use them to make a DOLL / Sex Toy . . .

“What can I say?  Ladies love Rufus H!”

All Rufus has to do is take ONE look at the Overly Eager-to-Please Charlie, and he just knows his son is in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!

Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall.  Humpty Humphrey had a great fall.  (Because Charlie pushed him.)

Dan (being Dan) COMPLETELY IGNORES his father’s warnings, and continues dragging Charlie around to all his classes, like his personal pet.  But when Charlie, after spending an HOUR gushing over how FASCINATING Dan’s life is (OK, now we KNOW she’s nuts!), plants a big wet kiss on him, it finally occurs to Humphrey that he’s got a potential Fatal Attraction on his hands . . .

 Charlie . . . in about 20 years.

But before Dan can have the “We can never be more than friends, because I think you are a psychotic raving lunatic,” talk with Charlie, someone ELSE intercepts her first . . .

Apparently, Manessa is leaving the show NYC to go “study abroad for a semester.”  (WAIT . . . does that mean she’s ACTUALLY GONE?)

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But before she goes, she wants to “make sure Dan is safe.”  (OK . . . seriously, Vanessa?  The only person Dan needs protection from is YOU and, maybe, Georgina Sparks .  . . and, of course, Charlie.)  So, Vanessa finds Charlie at the bookstore, reading what can only be described as a Stalkers’ Handbook . . .

 . . . and offers to help her win Dan’s heart, so that Serena and Blair can’t.

When Dan does have “the talk” with Charlie, she plays it cool, claiming that she knows Dan’s still hung up on the other regular cast members of the show, and, therefore, “only likes him as a friend.”  (Famous last words, right?) 

“Friends can still f*&k, right?”

Dopey Dan is dimwitted enough to buy this, and invites Charlie to some “low-key” dinner party thing, that Rufus is throwing for a band that he hopes to work for as a producer.  OH . . . did I mention that Rufus, Perpetual House Boy / Ass Wiper of Lily is actually trying to get a JOB!

Honestly, that is the most shocking thing that happened in this episode.

Charlie offers to bake homemade pizzas for the dinner.  But when it comes time for the event, she has decked out the Humphrey’s Brooklyn Apartment like P Diddy’s White Party, and it’s SO NOT ROCKER CHIC APPROPRIATE for Rufus’ early 20-something rockers / potential employers . . .

“I was just going to order in McDonalds.”

Rufus politely excuses himself to take the band elsewhere.  Then Charlie starts boo hooing about how Vanessa told her to cater in the event, and was clearly trying to sabotage her, because she knew Charlie not-so secretly had a THANG for Dan.  Ever the sucker for a wounded puppy, Dan offers to tote Charlie along on her first Upper East Side Showdown.  But “brave” Charlie wants to do this one ALONE. 

“I’m going to go eat Vanessa’s insides now, and wear her ribcage as a hat.  But I’ll be back later, so we can play Jenga.”

As it turns out, VANESSA actually gave Charlie GOOD ADVICE (Who’d have thought?) as to how to impress Rufus’ prospective clients.  But Charlie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl) knew how easy it was to make people DESPISE Vanessa, and decided to use that information to make Dan feel sorry for her.  And we ALL KNOW that Dan only screws those people he feels sorry for . . .

Case in point . . .

Well, played Lunatic Charlie!  You’ve successfully disposed of Manessa, and are now well on your way to becoming Juliet 2.0 . . . Bravo!

Now, all you need is a Boring Brother in Jail, who has the hots for Serena . . .

Oh, by the way, Rufus got the JOB . . .

 . . . (not that anyone really cares).

Speaking of stories nobody really cares about . . .

Raina the Complain-a

“Why aren’t you interested in MY storyline, dammit?  BE INTERESTED (or, I assure you, the writers will draw it out for an ENTIRE SEASON, as punishment).” 

So, Raina is still searching for intel on her Mama.  And Nate, out of loyalty to Chuck, is still subtly trying to convince her to stop her search.   Raina reads Nate’s attitude as being “not supportive,” and begins withholding sex from Nate as a result.  And we all know how much Nate LOVES sex . . .  (Hint: He loves it almost as much as he loves the movie The Sound of Music.)

So, Nate’s been pressuring a perpetually Drunk Chuck to come clean to Raina about what his dad may, or may not, have done.  But Chuck doesn’t want to talk to Raina.  He’d much prefer to have sex with Blair drown his sorrows in booze, and contemplate giving up showering and shaving for Lent . . .

“If you wrung out my liver, there would probably be enough booze in their to serve an entire Irish Pub on St. Patty’s Day.”

Things go from bad to worse, when the P.I. Chuck hired to look into Raina’s mom’s death “miraculously” discovers a letter in Bart’s papers from the elder Mrs. Thorpe that says, “You know how much you mean to me, but I can’t do this anymore.”

Chuck, and everyone else on the show, immediately assumes that this letter somehow implicates Bart in Avery’s death, since it seems to indicate that they had an affair.  But, honestly, that’s just BULLSH*T!  That vague letter could have meant about 80 different things.  It could mean that Raina’s mom committed suicide.  It could mean that RUSSELL THORPE learned of the affair, and arranged to have his wife killed.   It could mean that Bart and Avery plotted to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but Avery was having second thoughts, and was too late in trying to stop the fire.

I mean, COME ON, CHUCK BASS!  Of all people, I’d expect YOU to be a bit more creative here . . .

BLAIR would never jump to conclusions like this. . .

Anywhoo . . . Nate has this Big Ole Confrontation with Chuck, about how he has to tell Raina the truth, and blah, blah, blah.  Then he proceeds to add insult to injury, by telling Chuck ALL ABOUT Blair’s upcoming attendance at the Prince’s Ball.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Chuck tells Nate that “no one understands what [he and Blair] have, Nate replies that what they have is “not normal,” and that Blair is “better off with the French GUY!”

“You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to an ass-kicking, BOY!”

Nate then runs and tells Raina everything told Chuck told him, which causes Raina to basically go APESH*T on Nate’s ass . . .

“Is this because you’re on your period?”

Like a petulant four-year old in need of a nap, Raina stamps her foot a few times, and issues Nate an ultimatum:  “ME or CHUCK!”

So, Nate leaves . . .  (Wouldn’t you?)

Meanwhile, Chuck puts on a new suit, shaves, and hops into a limo, an Engagement Ring in hand.  He is headed to the Prince’s Ball, determined to win back his Queen B . . .

Of course, this would be a WHOLE lot more promising and romantic for us Chair fans, if Chuck wasn’t so OBVIOUSLY in Drunk and Destructive Bass Mode . . .

You Peed on My Fairytale!

“Psst . . . Dorota, you don’t have to feed me my lines like this.  That’s what the teleprompter is for.”

After running through some Information about Royal People Flashcards with Dorota, and receiving a very expensive (but oddly Tinkerbell-esque) ballgown from Louis . . .

 . . . Blair heads to the ball with a Traitorous Serena, by her side . . .

Try not to trip on the trail of banana peels I keep dropping in front of your feet, M-Kay?”

At least, initially, Blair is the Belle of the Ball, wowing the crowd with her beauty, social graces, and ridiculous amounts of Flashcard-Memorized Royal Knowledge . . .

“How’s your great-great-great-great Grandfather, King Charles III doing . . . Still dead?  So, sorry to hear about that.”

Watching Blair happily traverse the crowd, and hearing Louis gush over how wonderful she is, Serena begins to feel a bit guilty about being such a Heinous Poopyhead to her so-called friend the entire episode.  And it is for this reason, that when Drunk Chuck crashes the party, Serena tries in vain to stop him.  But Chuck will NOT be stopped.  He approaches Princess Sophie first, hitting on her, shamelessly, and announcing himself as “Chuck Bass . . . the love of [Blair’s] life.”

Chuck then takes things one step further, noting that Marie Antoinette was always Blair’s favorite role to play, but that HE was always the one eating her cake . . .

Oh, yeah!  They went there!

Chuck then drunkenly confronts Blair, and makes a TOTAL scene in front of all the royals, knocking over a tray of food in his wake.  Security ends up having to drag him out of the party.  A tearful Blair makes a heartfelt apology to the Royals (“I’m so ashamed and sorry, my friends and I caused any trouble”) before dashing out of the party herself.

Princess Sophie is NOT amused, “End it now,” she stage whispers in Louis’ ear . . .

“It’s strange but I suddenly find myself very in the mood for pie.”

A Decent Proposal

“Where’s my glass slipper, dammit?  Engagement rings are SO this century!”

Back at the apartment, Blair confides her humiliation over recent events to Serena, who makes the Total Bad Friend move (kind of like she’s been doing all episode), by basically telling Blair that what happened was no big deal, because she’s going to end up with Chuck, anyway.

Well, look who finally decided to become a Chair Fan . . .

Blair then FINALLY confronts Serena about her many attempts to sabotage Blair’s chance at royalty.  The Wounded Queen B claims that this is the first time in a long time that she is truly happy with her life. She notes that Louis makes her feel things she had only felt before with Chuck. 

Little does Blair know that SOMEONE is listening in on her conversation . . .

Later, Louis confronts Blair and tells her that he wants her to experience joy in her life.  He never thought he would be able to marry for love.  And now he can marry a total and complete stranger!  Louis knows all that Blair gave up to be with him.  And he is willing to give up the crown to be with her.  (Really?  Because I wouldn’t.) 

So, he gets on his knee and proposes.  But, before Blair can give Louis his answer, she has someone she needs to see . . .

Everything Turns to Crap . . .

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“Sorry, I ruined your shot at being a princess,” slurs Chuck, when Blair comes to visit him at his apartment.  “I need you like I’ve never needed you before,” he pleads.  “The only thing that’s ever been real is me and you.  That’s why you came back to me.”

Blair hugs Chuck affectionately, and uses this moment to tell him about the proposal.  It’s as if a part of her wants Chuck to convince her to say no.  But Chuck is too drunk, and depressed, to reason properly.  And every word he utters to her is strictly possessive in its implications.   Nowhere in Chuck’s monologue does he reference BLAIR’S feelings, what SHE wants, or even what he loves about HER.  “You’re mine,” he say decisively.

“I wanted to be,” Blair admits sadly.

 

“You’ll never be with anyone else but me.  The only thing that is real to me is you.”

There’s a need and insistence in Chuck’s words that is heart-wrenching in its desperation, moving in its intensity, and yet, somewhat disappointing, in its abject selfishness.  Fans of Chuck Bass know that he DOES care about Blair, that he HAS sacrificed for her, that he WOULD do anything for her.  But that’s not what’s coming across in this scene.  All we see in Chuck is FEAR:  the fear of losing the one thing in his life that makes sense, when everything else seems to be falling apart.

And that’s what causes Chuck to lash out, pushing Blair against a wall.  And when she struggles out of his grasp, he punches a windowpane, injuring his own hand, and causing glass and debris to fly everywhere.  Tragically,  Blair does not make it out of this unscathed . . .

As a scarred Blair rushes from the apartment, crying and clutching her face, Nate looks on in disgust, which makes me wonder how long exactly he’s been standing there, like a dope, doing nothing.

  (WHYDIDN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, NATE?  WHAT’ THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?)

“Hi, is this Losers’ Anonymous?   My name is Nate.”

Immediately, after watching Chuck RETROACTIVELY RUIN ONE OF THE BEST ROMANCES ON TELEVISION (Though, it must be said, Ed Westwick’s acting was both HORRIFYING and CAPTIVATING in that scene, as was Leighton Meester’s.), Nate calls Raina to tell her that she is his Consolation Prize.  “I choose you,” he tells her answering machine.  (How romantic!)

But Raina is already on the phone with someone else . . . JACK BASS.

Here we go again . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Blair literally close the door on Serena’s friendship (Serves that b*tch right!).  She then calls her mother to give her the good(?) news.   Blair has decided to accept Louis’ proposal.  She is engaged to be married . . . to a Real Prince . . .

For me, “The Princesses and the Frog” was a True Contradiction.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed (by amazing acting, and a gripping storyline), and yet, at the same time, as thoroughly disappointed (by the seemingly deliberate SHIP and character assassination) by an episode, in my entire life.  But enough about me.  I want to know about YOU! 

Is Louis starting to grow on you, like he is on Dorota?  How long before Charlie starts burning bunnies, and coming at Dan with a butcher’s knife?  Are you as THRILLED to see Vanessa go, as I am?  And, perhaps, most importantly, has the CHAIR ship sailed for you?  Or do you still believe this fairytale can have a happy ending?

Until next time . . .  XOXO. 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The French (Kissing) Connection – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Petty in Pink”

“Help!  My sideburns are eating my face!”

Greetings Upper East Siders!  This was quite a big episode for Dan Humphrey.  In the course of an hour he: (1) was unknowingly hired by a royal family to stalk a prince; (2) became Blair Waldorf’s faux public boyfriend  . . . for about two minutes; (3) lost Serena as a friend (also probably for about two minutes); (4) FINALLY kicked Mannessa to the  curb (YIPPEE!); and (5) became the unwitting target for Gossip Girl’s 25th Future Psycho Stalker Guest Star.  Hold on to your Hot Dog, Humphrey!  Because you’re going to need it . . .

DAN HUMPHREY’S WEINER:  “I haven’t gotten this much play, since that “Threesome Episode,” last season!”

And yet, for all the action Dan’s Ding-a-Ling got this week, “Petty in Pink” was actually Blair Waldorf’s episode.  After spending three seasons on the Every Loves Serena show, Blair is finally getting a chance to shine.  For once, Blair is the one with three boys in love with her at the same time.  SHE’S the girl kissing boys, like it’s going out of style.  And when the cheap CGI graphics SPARKLE across the screen, making you feel like you are watching your parent’s poorly-made wedding video, it’s Blair’s face that’s getting framed by their tacky light.

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But I am getting WAY ahead of myself here!  So, let’s get on with the recap . . .

A Secret Rendezvous

“Voulezvous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?”

Remember Prince Louie, Blair’s plot device  temporary distraction from Chuck  royal boyfriend, with whom she had a tepid, not particularly well fleshed out relationship whirlwind romance, during her exotic summer in Paris, early this season?  Well, he’s BAAAACK!  As luck would have it, those three scenes few weeks Blair spent with the prince have CHANGED HIS LIFE! 

In fact, during all those weeks that Blair was busy doing this . . .

and this . . .

and even some of this . . .

Poor Prince Louie has been doing nothing but eating croissants, and THINKING ABOUT BLAIR!

“Pathetic . . . aren’t I?”

So captivated is this Prince by our Queen B, that he is seemingly willing to drop EVERYTHING, and RISK HIS ROYAL TITLE, to sneak across the country and spend time with his American Fling the True Love of His Life.  Blair (who I love to pieces, but, let’s face it, modesty isn’t exactly her strongest quality) sees absolutely nothing at all strange about this.  And so she plans her weekend with the Prince, during which she plans to show him the finest things Manhattan has to offer!

“So, I was thinking I would take you to Times Square.  They have this little store their that sells nothing but William and Kate Wedding Memorabilia . . . hint, hint.”

But then Louis informs her that his visit to NYC has to be a secret.  And so  Blair can no longer take Louis to the Best Manhattan has to offer.  Instead, she will take him to places where no elite Manhattanite has gone before: a.k.a. Dan Humphrey’s Hipster Hangouts.

“I don’t find Five-Star restaurants to be sufficiently intellectually stimulating.  Now, Starbucks, on the other hand, that’s a breeding ground for Genius!”

I had to giggle a bit when Blair’s minions arrived for their daily instructions.  Blair informed them that she wouldn’t be attending classes that day.  So, they should take notes on her behalf.

“But finals are just days away,” notes the Blonde Minion, who’s name I never bothered to learn.

Yes, because when you are Blair Waldorf,  attending a prestigious Ivy League school like Columbia University, is just a footnote to your fabulous life of partying, scheming, and bedding princes.  Remember a few seasons back, when Blair was the most conscientious student on a CW show, in that she actually (gasp) went to class, and studied?  *Sigh*  Those were the days!

Academics are SO last season!

Speaking of so-called “conscientious students” who suddenly never seem to go to class, and spend all their time on the Upper East Side, even though they attend school downtown at NYU, Dan Humphrey has just been called on for a “journalism job,” for which he never actually applied.    For those of you keeping track, Dan’s published writing credits thus far include a love story about Serena (snooze) that miraculously appeared in the New Yorker . . .

Dan is just as shocked as you are . . .

 . . . and a *stifles a laugh* fashion piece that Dan ghost wrote for the W magazine blog, back when Blair was it’s assistant editor for about 10 minutes.  Nevertheless, SOMEONE found out Prince Louis is in town and has hired Dan to stalk him, and write a press piece about the Royal French Fry’s “princely” time in the Empire State.

Speaking of stalking . . .

“Golly gee, Serena!  This thing called the ‘Internet’ is really fascinating.  Can I really use it to watch people have sex?”

 . . . Serena has just got word from the EEEEVVVILL Manessa, that Blair and Dan have recently learned what eachother’s tongues taste like.  So, of course, rather than (gasp) ask her friends directly whether they’ve been “eating hot dogs” together, Serena decides to send her “naive and innocent” cousin Charlie out on a little recognizance mission to dig up some dirt . . .

Are you wondering whether ludicrous misunderstandings, ridiculous coincidences, and crazy hijinks are about to ensue?  YOU BET THEY ARE!

But before we “go there,” let’s get the two mostly lame and kind of irrelevant secondary storylines out of the way, shall we?

Mother, Where Art Thou?

Poor Raina Thorpe!  She never has any remotely interesting storylines on this show has just been massively betrayed by her father, and now feels more lost than ever.  Suddenly, because it is convenient to the plot  she REALLY wants to find her birth mother.  Raina has hired a private investigator to find this woman, who she knows of only as “Avery Thorpe.”  Said investigator has been sent off, armed with Raina’s birth certificant and some of that Thorpe Trust Fund Money. 

One interesting thing I noticed about Raina’s birth certificate was that it said she was born in 1985, making her either 25 or 26, depending on the month she was born.  This also makes her somewhere between 5 and 7 years older than BOTH Chuck and Nate (who are supposed to be either 19 or 20, I gather).  Way to rob the cradle, Raina!  (Not that we can blame her . . .)

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Raina’s sudden curiosity over her mother’s whereabouts certainly do not bode well for Chuck, who is not only coping with the very temporary loss of his true love, Blair, but also with the notion that his DAD MAY HAVE ACTUALLY KILLED RAINA’S MOM (by burning down a hotel, while she was in it)!

Is it any wonder than, that Chuck finds himself drowning his sorrows in a Liquid Breakfast?

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NATE:  “Single malt for breakfast?”

CHUCK:  “Takes the edge off the coke.”

In addition to having recently gone through his own rather painful Faux Mama from the Train Fiasco, Chuck, of course, doesn’t want Raina to find out about his father’s possible role in her mother’s demise.  And so, he cautions Raina against searching for her birth mother, while, at the same time, hiring his own private investigator to research what happened the night of the hotel fire.

“Yawn.  I’d really much rather be in BLAIR’S storyline, than this one.”

When Raina’s private investigator actually finds a waitress in New Jersey named Avery Thorpe, who is about the age Raina’s mother would be right now, both Chuck and Nate offer to accompany her on the trip for support.  (After all, the SCARY middle-class world of New Jersey diners is not somewhere an upper class gal, like Raina, should have to go alone. 🙂 )

“I can’t BELIEVE there’s no valet parking here!  What kind of effed up place is this, anyway?”

But alas, “Avery Thorpe: Waitress Extraordinaire” claims that she never had children. 

Chuck, of course, suggests that Raina stop her Parental Unit Search immediately, so that she can avoid hating his guts in the very near future experiencing any further pain and heartache.  But “pain and heartache” is Nate’s Middle Name!  After all, his dad is Captain Coke Head, and his Mom is a Major B*tch!  He also gets all of the WORST storylines on Gossip Girl, despite being insanely attractive.  So, Nate tells Raina to keep on looking.  At his wits end, Chuck FINALLY confides in Nate, as to why he has been so adamant that Raina NOT find her birth mom.

CHUCK (to Nate):  “I need a hug.”

The episode ends with Chuck’s private investigator informing him that SOMEHOW video footage STILL exists of Raina’s mom fighting with Bart Bass, shortly before she entered into the hotel building that eventually caught fire.  Avery Thorpe was never heard from again. 

Geez!  With all that EXTREMELY DAMNING evidence of the death of a VERY WEALTHY AND POWERFUL PERSON, you would THINK someone would have pieced this information together, 20-or-so years ago, rather than waiting until now to do it?  But that would be logical.  And logic and Gossip Girl don’t ever always mix . . .

One thing’s for sure though, when Raina finds this out, our Main Man, Chuck Bass,  “has some ‘splaining to do!”

Bart Bass:  Ruining Chuck’s life since the early 90’s (And, now, he’s doing from it Beyond the Grave.  Talk about impressive!)

In other Parental Unit News . . .

This Ankle Monitor Was Made for Walkin’ . . .

These days, EVERYBODY who’s ANYBODY is wearing one!

Poor Lily van der Woodsen!  As it turns out, it’s hard out there for an Upper East Side Convict, particularly one who’s still deluded enough to think she’s still part of Manhattan’s Elite.  All Lily wanted to do was help make the gift bags for the Episode Party of the Week Pink Party.  But, alas, that evil wench, Mama Archibald, who only consorts with convicts in her own bedroom, doesn’t want Lily’s jailhouse cooties all over her spa gift certificates, face creams, and vastly overpriced sunglasses.  So, she takes them to the Trump’s house instead.  (Gotta love, Gossip Girl’s shameless name dropping!)

*sings* “Nobody likes me.  Everybody hates me.  I guess I’ll have to go eat worms . .  . or caviar.”

Not wanting Mommy to feel too lousy about being a hardened criminal, Serena, Rufus and Eric blackmail some random doorman who made out with Serena once (Seriously, who HASN’T made out with Serena, at least once?) to get the party moved to Lily’s HOUSE, so she can attend.  (Riiiight, those Upper East Side snobs didn’t want Lily to TOUCH their gift bags.  But surely they won’t mind sitting on her couch and using her toilet!)

“I think you’re scum.  But my coke dealing husband and I would very much like to have sex in your bedroom.”

Having FINALLY realized what asshats her Botoxed B*tchy Upper East Side pals have always been, Lily makes me SUPER proud of her, by intentionally setting off her anklet, so the local police can crash her Pink Benefit, and kick everybody out of her house.  (I just hope all the money they raised, still went to curing cancer . . . or whatever.)  Toward the end of the episode, Lily decides she would much rather spend nine months under House Arrest alone with Rufus Humphrey, than attend swank parties with  INTERESTING people . . .

To each his own, I guess . . .

But enough of that.  Let’s get back to the MAIN EVENT!

Do you see a Humphrey?

Dan tracks Prince Louie down at an East Village restaurant called Veselka, where the latter is supposed to meet Blair.  Little does Dan know, he TOO is being followed . . .

“Wow Dan!  This picture of you will look perfect, next to the other 162 I already have hanging over my bed.”

Blair arrives on the scene and exchanges some brief snarkeries with Dan about how he shouldn’t mess up her “date.”  Dan generously agrees to not be a Cock Block.  But when Dan witnesses Blair exchanging smoochies with the same prince he’s been stalking all morning, Dan reluctantly realizes that his career as a Sleezy Tabloid Journalist is over, before it even began . . .

“Rats!  I guess I will have to settle for being a TV Recapper, instead.”

Dan leaves immediately to quit his “job.”  But of course, Future Psycho Stalker Charlie conveniently had her back turned when Dan left.  All she saw was Blair meeting Dan at a downtown restaurant that she doesn’t typically frequent.  Charlie tells Serena as much . . .

“That hussy!  I bet she’s eating CARBS there too!  You think you know a person!”

Wanting to catch her so-called bestie in an act of betrayal (“We were on a break!”  Dan says.), Serena rushes downtown, as fast as her personal chauffeur can carry her.  Once she is there, however, she encounters NOT Blair and Dan, but Blair and Louis.

Friend Stalking – FAIL!

Serena tries to play it cool, but ends up making sort of an ass of herself.  After all, what the heck would Serena be doing at downtown restaurant alone, aside from spying on her friend . . . She NEVER EATS!

Outside the restaurant, Serena gives her dopey little pet Charlie, a condescending pat on the head, telling her that it was “totally” understandable that she mistook Dan for Louis.  After all, with the exception of Chuck Bass and Eric van der Woodsen, every boy on this show looks EXACTLY ALIKE! 

But Charlie is not giving up!  She knows what she SAW, dammit!  And she is determined to catch Dan and Blair in the act, even if she has to hide in Dan’s bed for an entire week to do it!

Crazy, crazy train.  CHOO CHOO!

Louis, Louis . . . OH BABY!  I SAID, “WE GOTTA GO.”

Dopey Dan!  When he quit his “job” stalking Louis, citing a puppydog crush on Blair conflict of interest, he inadvertently told his “boss” (who actually worked for the royal family, and was just using Dan to get information as to Louis’ whereabouts) about Louis dating the, only royal by Upper East Side Standards, Queen B. 

As a result of Dan’s screw up, Louis’ advisors are going to pick him up from the states, and force him to return to Paris where he belongs

“Oops!  Did I do that?”

Now, I suspect we are supposed to believe that Louis is terribly upset about this predicament.  But something about the monotone manner in which he reads his lines (Perhaps, it’s a language barrier thing?) tells me he can care less.  I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust this Louis-Louis.  Not one bit!

Anyway, Blair is super pissed at Dan, for what he did.  And she isn’t shy about telling him so.  “You should have been suspicious the minute someone offered to pay you for your writing!”  Blair scolds.  (Blair ROCKS!)

But not to worry Louis Fans (all three of you)!  Blair has a ridiculously dumb plan to rescue her “French Connection.”  Dan and Blair will make out in front of Louis’ handler at (where else?) the Pink Party.  This way, the handler will not think that Louis came to the city to (gasp) “date a commoner,” and will, therefore let him stay.  I think we all already know how this is going to end . . .

The plot thickens (but not by much), when Future Psycho Stalker Charlie snaps a photo of Blair and Dan pink tie shopping for the party, and forwards it to Serena.  Upon seeing the picture, Serena begins to wonder whether Manessa and Charlie were right about Dan and Blair, after all . . .

Kiss and Tell (Gossip Girl)

Blair and Louis both attend the Pink Party together as planned, but enter separately, to keep up the ruse.  When Serena sees Blair, she sicks her Mini Me Charlie on Dan, to see if the Queen B reacts negatively to another woman flirting with the Humping Humphrey. 

(I think you are going to SERIOUSLY regret that move, Serena!  Have you seen the movie The Roommate?  Because I’m willing to bet Charlie has!)

Ummm . . . Serena?  You are at a formal affair.  Why does your hair look like someone erected a bird’s nest in it?

At the same time Charlie begins (very gleefully) flirting with Dan, Louis’ handler arrives.   So, Blair, feigning jealousy,  forcefully pulls Dan away.  (“Let’s not get too handsy!”  Dan warns.)  This, of course, only serves to confirm Serena’s suspicions that these two are secret lovers.  and then THIS happens . . .

And then . . . SURPRISE!  Charlie sees these two putting on their Makeout Show, and sends a video of it to Gossip Girl for everyone to see!  (Man, this psycho learns fast!)

Busted!

“Does you think this picture makes my tongue look fat?”

Not wanting to spoil her little Louis Scheme, Blair is forced to “go public” with her “new relationship’ with Dan Humpty Dumpty.  Of course, when she does this, her minions look at her, as if she just told them she eats puppies .  . .

“I don’t even know who you ARE, anymore!”

Not wanting Serena to get the wrong idea, Blair and Dan rush to tell her the truth.  But, of course, Serena, having COMPLETELY forgotten about the 100 plus times she has stolen Nate from Blair over the years, doesn’t want to listen to reason.  Instead, S just stamps her foot, and cries wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

“You keep getting all the BOYS this season, and I keep getting stuck with the Psycho Blonde Guest Stars, who want to take over my life and kill me!  It’s not FAAAAAAIIIIRRRR, Blair!”

By the way, did no one else find it strange that we didn’t get to see CHUCK’S reaction to the Gossip Girl blast, featuring what he knows was a SECOND Dair kiss?  I feel cheated out of my Chair, GG writers!

Just sayin’.

Confrontations and Coming Out Parties

“Blah, blah, blah, me, me, me, me, me, me, blah.”

Back at the Waldorf Mansion,  Blair and Serena have a fight, during which Blair makes a lot of awesome points, and Serena makes a lot of lame ones.  Granted, Serena starts off strong, by asking Blair, quite rationally, why she didn’t just come out and tell her right away that her and Dan had become friends.  Blair returns a few solid volleys back, by basically telling Serena, that her and Dan do things together that Serena is simply too dumb to enjoy . . . like watching movies that aren’t cartoons or porn . . . and reading.

 “Serena is Stupid jokes are AWESOME!”

But when Blair tries to confide in Serena that she has begun to recognize the “Humphrey Appeal” (whatever that is), Serena accuses Blair of only being interested in Dan because he was Serena’s.

“Oh, hell to the NO!”

Blair replies that Serena is just mad that, for a change, the Brunette, not the Blonde, is the one getting all the male attention.  And though we’ve definitely seen at least 80 variations of this same argument, since this series began four years ago, this time, I have to concur with Blair.  Serena, I’d like to introduce you to Jealousy.  Jealousy, meet Serena . . .

Of course, BLAIR isn’t really the one Serena should be worried about.  Sure, Dan’s got a THANG for the Queen B, as he openly admits later in the episode.  But she’s definitely not pursuing him.  You know who IS pursuing Dan Wants-to-Hump-Alot?   THIS GIRL . . .

“Your head would look so pretty hanging from my ceiling fan . . .”

It wasn’t enough that Charlie singlehandedly ruined Dan’s, Serena’s, and Blair’s friendship, she then had to GO OVER TO DAN’S HOUSE, late at night to apologize.  Then Dan, against his better judgment, invites Cuckoo for Cocoapuffs Charlie into his apartment because . . . well . . . I suspect all that necking with Blair has made him pretty horny?  The one GOOD thing Charlie does in this scene is rat out Manessa for sending intel of Dan’s and Blair’s first kiss to Serena.

The absolute BEST moment of the episode for me, was when the SUPER ANNOYING Vanessa arrives on Dan’s doorstep, and Dan TOTALLY SHUTS HER DOWN, telling her, in no uncertain terms, that they are NO LONGER FRIENDS!

Hey Vanessa . . . Sayonara SUCKA!

Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord . . . Nevermind, let it hit you in the ass! You deserve it!

The episode ends with Louie inexplicably deciding that he NOW wants to go public with his relationship with Blair.  (I’m telling you, I DON’T TRUST THIS GUY . . . AT ALL!)

BLAIR:  “You’re not an evil bloodsucking vampire, are you?  Because this is usually around the time when you tell me you are an evil bloodsucking vampire, and bite my head off.”

In the final scene, Blair and Louie emerge together in public for the first time, and swap royal spit with one another, as flashbulbs go off, and ridiculous diamond sparkle graphics adorn their so-called Love . . .

Next week’s installment of Gossip Girl promises Chuck’s re-entry into the Battle for Blair’s Heart.  “I’m Chuck Bass.  And I’m the Love of Her Life,” we hear Chuck tell some Royal Snob.

“Oh yeah, I’m THAT good.”

Let’s just hope that whole “Enraged Window Punching” thing we saw in the promos doesn’t get in the way of a Good Thing.  (I’m counting on you GG, writers!  PLEASE don’t screw this up again!)

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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The Parent Entrapment – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Empire of the Son”

“So, when you get to jail, Lily, definitely tell Bernie Madoff I said ‘Hi.’  He never did pay me back that money I lent him . . .”

Well, this was a rather adult episode of Gossip Girl, right?  And no, unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a fun, NC-17 rating, kind of way.  Instead, I’m talking about the fact that LITERALLY everybody and their MOTHER got their own storyline tonight.  Heck, even BART BASS got thrown a bone from the Plotline Department . . . and he’s been dead for ALMOST TWO SEASONS!

 . . . praying that my Estate gets royalties for this . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Happy Days are Here Again?

After a few pretty dark episodes, things actually seem to get off to a rather pleasant start, in “Empire of the Son.”  Chuck Bass, who, as you recall, was, just last week, in danger of losing Bass Industries to the odious Russell Thorpe, is now presumably “back on top.”  This, of course, is due to the deal he made with that Random Dude who agreed to buy an interest in his company, last week, so that Thorpe couldn’t destroy it. 

Now, Chuck, of all people, is being asked to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange.  To me, this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering that, in four seasons, I never knew the character to wake up before Noon . . .

 . . . unless, of course, he had “special company” in his bed with him. 😉

Speaking of Blair . . . she’s doing pretty well too!  Though our Queen B was seen, just last week, getting FIRED, FAILING exams, eating PIZZA, and drowning her sorrows in old ass movies, screened in a Brookyln apartment, now our girl looks positively radiant.  She’s being nice to everybody!  She’s giving Serena advice about her Bland Boring Boyfriend Ben. 

Blair attributes this new sense of well being to a “Fast and Cleanse,” in which she has recently engaged.  On this, I call BS, from personal experience.  After all, the last time I, personally, “cleansed and fasted,” I literally almost killed about five people, out of sheer HUNGER . . . 

Yeah . . . you should really consider EATING, stat, if you care at all about your family and friends . . .

But, I’m not the only one who is doubtful as to the true source of Blair’s newfound happiness.  Blair’s sidekick, Dorota, is suspicious as well .  . .

Source

You know who else is doing well?  Nate.  After lord knows how many weeks just spent staring at the camera, and looking pretty, Boy Toy ACTUALLY has a sort-of storyline . . . plus, he’s getting laid . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Things move fast in the Upper East Side.  And Raina, who was formerly Chuck’s flavor of the week, is now being slurped up by Pimp Daddy Archibald, right beneath Chuck’s nose!  Unlike Chuck and Raina, these two ACTUALLY share a modicum of chemistry.  As a result, watching this new couple interact and swap spit — while not a particularly thrilling sight — doesn’t immediately make me want to vomit.  So, that’s a start! 

“Thank you, writers, for FINALLY realizing that I am WAY TOO HOT to be perpetually celibate, on this show.  Now, if I could just get you to stop dressing me in these ridiculously dorky sweaters . . .”

Now, despite appearances, all is not necessarily rosy in the Upper East Side.  Serena is still macking with that Wet Blanket Ben . . .

But, hey!  At least this is causing her to ignore the stalkerish repeated phone calls and text messages from one ridiculously annoying,  Vanessa Abrams . . .

So, it seems the entire cast of GG (except for Vanessa) is happy, which is exactly how us fans like it.   And what’s a “happy” GG episode without a PARTY, right?  I mean what would all these disgustingly rich, and apparently alcoholic, Manhattanites, do with their lives, if they weren’t perpetually attending one of Chuck’s nightly “I Never Work, But Inexplicably Have Unlimited Income” Galas?

“And now let us call this meeting of the Upper East Side Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous to order .  . . Cheers!”

But, of course, this is Gossip Girl.  And happy days can’t stay happy, for long . . .

You are ALL BUSTED!

“Oh, Russell . . . honey . . . we NEED to do something about your office.  Since when did it become OK for a high-powered executive to conduct business at a COFFEE TABLE?  I mean, you’re sitting so low to the ground, you might as well be on the floor!  And what exactly is that fire place doing behind you, anyway?  Is that your idea of a shredder?”  – Set Department FAIL!

Things start to take a turn for the worse, when Chuck arrives at Thorpe’s office, to gloatingly invite Russell and Raina to his Pointless Party of the Week.  It is then, that Russell accidentally / on purpose lets it slip that his daughter is currently out boning Mini Captain Archibald . . .

“Well, DAMN!  Now, I’m glad I gave her an STD!  Enjoy those crabs, Natey-poo!”

But Russell’s got even more tricks up his sleeve.  He’s recently sent one of his minions off to the dry cleaners, in order to kindly “suggest” an outfit for Lily van der Woodsen to wear to Chuck’s party . . .

“Hey Lily, I hear orange is the new black . . .”

Elsewhere, Wet Blanket Ben has suddenly stopped returning Serena’s Booty Calls . . .

Oh, the humanity!

When Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben at Dan’s apartment (where he is currently crashing), to find out what the heck is going on, she encounters a very scary sight, indeed . . .

It’s the EVIL WENCH, WHO BROUGHT WET BLANKET BEN AND PSYCHO STALKER JULIET INTO THE WORLD!!!!

Of course, Evil Wench is LESS THAN PLEASED that her son has formed a relationship with the woman whose family pretty much singlehandedly RUINED HIS CAREER, and possibly, his life . . . They also, coincidentally, sent her daughter, Psycho Stalker Juliet off the Deep End. Oops!

Meanwhile Blair, who is clearly ashamed of the fact that she used to spend her nights attending lavish parties and having sex with Chuck in limos, but now spends them watching Netflix films, washing dishes by hand, and eating (gasp) pizza, has been hiding her friendship with Dan from the Upper East Side masses.

But even BLAIR’s deception tactics are no match for The Mighty Dorota . . .

Source

Dorota started to notice things were amiss, when she spied a NOVA DOCUMENTARY in Blair’s netflix queue!  (Oh, Blair . . . we REALLY need to talk!)  But then, when she found a copy of Dan Humphrey’s New Yorker magazine on Blair’s bed, things suddenly became clear to her . . .

“OH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO!”

At this point, I should probably mention that Dorota is the BIGGEST CHAIR FAN EVER!  (She’s also, I suspect, a Derena fan.)  So, of course, the usually Happy Housekeeper is EXTREMELY UNHAPPY about this most recent turn of events.  And she vows to put a stop to it ASAP.

“I caught you, Dan Dishpan-Handed!”

“You and Lonely Boy are having an AFFAIR,” shouts Dorota, her face a hilarious mixture of triumph, shock, and horrified disgust . . .

Source

“We have to tell Mr. Chuck and Serena!” Dorota continues, digging the knife a little deeper into Blair’s heart.

To prove to Dorota, once and for all, that there is nothing going on between her and Dan, Blair decides to stand Lonely Boy up.  So, she fails to meet him at their appointed destination for the day, and, instead, decides to go shopping with Dorota. 

 Meanwhile, Dan, who is similarly concerned that his dad, Rufus, will find out that he and Blair have been hanging out (Yeah . . . I don’t really get why the Dad would give two craps, either), ditches Blair too, in order to hang out with his Pops . . .

So, of course the two Date Ditchers have to end up running into one another, at a completely different location than where they originally planned to meet . . .

(Gotta love those Madcap GG Hijinx!)  “I knew you would be my SOCIAL DEATH!”  Blair exclaims to Dan later. 

Deciding it would be best if they came clean to everybody about their new friendship, before ANYBODY ELSE finds out about it, Dan and Blair come up with a plan.  They decide to leak a blast to Gossip Girl about an “important announcement.”  Then, at Chuck’s party, they will reveal that the “important announcement” was actually a really LAME one, about the two of them sometimes watching movies together. 

Talk about a Bait and Switch!  I know, if I was Gossip Girl, I’d certainly want MY money back . . .

“Hey, at least the “important news” didn’t have anything to do with VANESSA!”

Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing . . .

Back in Serena Land, Blondie is trying her hardest to win over Ben’s Evil Wench mom, by treating her to pizza.  (Seriously?  Since when did so many people eat PIZZA on Gossip Girl?)

Unfortunately, since Evil Wench is lactose intolerant (not to mention, Serena intolerant), the meal doesn’t exactly go well.  To make matters worse, Serena conveniently overhears Evil Wench telling Ben that he should sell out the van der Woodsens to save his teaching career.  This way, he can fall in love with, and possibly impregnate MORE 16 year olds  YAY!

Speaking of the whole Pedo Ben Fiasco, Serena’s mom arranges a meeting with Chuck to tell him about the “Orange Jumpsuit Affair.” 

Apparently, Lily (rightly, as it turns out) fears that Russell will try to blackmail her into ceding Bass Industries over to him, by threatening to reveal information regarding Lily’s illegal behavior, with respect to the aforementioned matter.  (Geez!  Dude just doesn’t give up, does he?)  Chuck promises to investigate (1) who leaked that information to Russell *cough Drug Dealing Damien cough;” and (2) whether the Real Estate Mogul has ACTUAL PROOF of Lily’s perjury, or is merely bluffing.

Lily, of course, suspects Wet Blanket Ben of leaking the intel.  And when ANNOYING VANESSA . . .

AGAIN . . . I REPEAT . . .

 . . . barges into La Casa de van der Woodsen, to inform Lily that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in jail, her suspicions seem justified.  When Lily confronts Serena with this information, Blondie initially refuses to believe its true.  The problem, of course, is that the AFFIDAVIT, which is proof of Lily’s guilt in the Pedo Ben Affair, has suddenly gone missing.  And, aside from Serena, Wet Blanket Ben is the only one who knew where it was hidden .  . .

Serena vows to talk to Ben at Chuck’s party, hoping she can get him to reconsider his decision.

Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck .  . .

 . . . pretends to care that Nate and Raina are porking, when we ALL know, he only truly has eyes for one girl . . .

But, aside from this faux- confrontation, Chuck has REAL business to attend to, with Raina.  Specifically, he wants to warn her about what an ASSHAT her dad is!  When Raina refuses to believe Chuck’s statements, the latter arranges for Raina to learn of her dad’s Asshatedness on her OWN.  Chuck figures that Raina’s disapproval of Russell, might influence the Douchebag to drop his whole blackmail scheme, and simply admit defeat, like a Good Little Guest Star . . .

All is Revealed . . .

As is typical of GG episodes, everything comes to head at the Big Party of the Week.  There, Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben . . .

“Sometimes, I even bore MYSELF  . . .”

 . . . who admits to beating up Nate’s dad (who, let’s face it, no one really likes, anway) . . .

“Hey WTF!  EVERYBODY LIKES ME!  I’m Captain Hook-ed on Drugs, for crying out loud!”

However, the Wet Blanket SWEARS on his Mama, that he didn’t steal Lily’s forged affidavit.  Oh, but he did tell his Evil Wench Mom where it was hidden . . .

“WHAT A MORON!  You’re seriously boning THAT GUY, when you could be boning ME,  Serena . . .What is WRONG WITH YOU?”

So, here’s how it all went down . . . Apparently, after Drug Dealing Damien approached Thorpe at the end of last week’s episode, about Lily’s criminal acts, Thorpe took it upon himself to contact Wet Blanket Ben’s MOM.  She then used Wet Blanket Ben to figure out how to steal the incriminating affidavit, and give it to Thorpe.  How unnecessarily convuluted interesting.

Later, as planned by Chuck, Russell blackmails Lily, with Raina listening in the next room.  To say she is not pleased with her daddy, is the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY . . .

“This is SO STRESSFUL!  I could really use some more weed, now!”

They were RIGHT ABOUT YOU,” Raina exclaims to Daddy Not-So-Dearest, before storming off, with Nate hot on her heels, hoping to heaven that this won’t interfere with his chances of getting boned tonight . . .

But what Chuck doesn’t count on is Russell being SUCH a big Asshat, that he DOESN’T even go after his own daughter!  He STILL wants to blackmail Lily!  The problem, however, is that he CAN’T!  Lily has already decided to turn herself in to the police, and issue a full confession. 

Though this may inevitably land her in jail, this sort-of heroic, if long overdue, act, will, not only singlehandedly save Bass Industries until the next Guest Star comes to f*ck with it, it also will inevitably prevent the company from being blackmailed for the 84,532nd time this season.  GOOD RIDDENS TO THAT!

Bart Bass-tard Strikes Again . . . and other Sort-of Cliffhangers

After Lily leaves to go turn herself in, Chuck and Russell decide to have a little heart-to-heart. 

In the lamest, most useless and least relevant biggest twist of the evening, Russell reveals that the reason he was dead set on ruining Bass Industries, was not because Bart Bass stole Lily from him, but because Bart basically KILLED RUSSELL’S FIRST WIFE!  Remember a few seasons back, how Bart was implicated in setting fire to one of his hotel buildings, for insurance money, and for killing some Security Guard, in the process.  (No?  That’s OK . . . I barely remember it myself.) 

Well, apparently, RUSSELL’S WIFE was also in the building at the time. (Wait . . . nobody finds it weird that the SECURITY GUARD’S death was publicized, but the wife of a famous hotel mogul’s was NOT?  Am I missing something here?)  Upon hearing that his dad was JUST AS BIG OF AN ASSHOLE AS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS . . . just a slightly more murderous one, Chuck goes on an alcoholic bender . . .

YAY BOOZE!

This Bender, ironically, wakes Chuck up from the STUPOR he’s been in for at least four episodes now!  “I need to find Blair!  She’s the only one who understands what I’m going through right now,” a slightly inebriated Chuck tells Serena, before rushing off to find his lady love. 

Well, it’s about DAMN TIME! 

(Note: The fact that Chuck’s Daddy Issues are what FINALLY prompted him to remember how dear Blair is to him, is a nice bit of continuity on the writers’ part.  One can’t deny that, each time, Bart’s misdeeds (or his untimely death), have sent Chuck into a downward spiral, it was BLAIR who nursed him back to himself, with her strength, and unflagging belief in Chuck’s strength and inner goodness.

Speaking of BAD DAD’S and GOOD “SHIPS”, Russell Thorpe FINALLY decides to leave town, and go back to the Windy City from whence he came . . .

SAYONAR,  SUCKA!

But it’s Nate — who is no stranger to the many ways in which BAD DADS can disappoint you, and f*&k you up for life, himself  — who ultimately convinces Raina to wish her Papa farewell, and forgive him for being such an Evil Asshat and Annoying Special Guest Star .  . .

The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of Natey-pooooooo!

Nate and Raina may still be going strong.  But you know who isn’t?  Serena and Wet Blanket Ben.

This DOOFUS also FINALLY leaves town (Well, would you look at that?  We killed two birds with one stone . . . now if we could only get Manessa to leave, for good).

Wet Blanket’s reasons for departing NYC are as follows: (1) Lily demanded, as a condition of her confession, that all charges against him be expunged; and (2) he’s become a VERY BAD MAN . . . at least as far as he is concerned.  Serena is momentarily devastated by the loss of her Flavor of the Week.  So, she tells him she truly believes that he is the same pedophile man she fell in love with.  She also hopes that Ben will call her again, once he gets some of that nonexistent confidence back.

Umm . . . Ben, don’t call us, we’ll call you . . . Mmmmm Kay?

So, that’s two people who left town.  You know who came BACK to the Upper East Side though?   THIS GUY . . .

Watch out RUFUS!  With Lily awaiting trial for her crimes, her Bad Ass Mo Fo criminal of an ex-husband (He made her believe she had CANCER, just to get into her pants, for crying out loud!) might be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!

But the real cliffhanger of the episode comes in the final moments.  If you recall, Dan and Blair planned to “come out” as friends at Chuck’s party.  But then, all this Lily and Russell and Ben Crap happened.  So, they decided it probably wasn’t the right time to reveal this not-all-that-important information to “Manhattan’s Elite” . . .

Ultimately, the pair decide to sacrifice their newfound friendship, and focus, instead, on their friends’ impending crises and emotional needs. 

But that night, Dan refuses to return to Brooklyn.  Apparently, he is having second thoughts about his and Blair’s mutual decision to “break up their friendship.”  And so, he arrives at Blair’s house, with questions looming in his mind, as to why the two have felt the need to hide their movie-going, pizza-eating, and dish-washing “thing,” for so long.  He wonders whether something more is there between them.  He wants to kiss Blair just once to find out.

Blair tentatively agrees to the kiss.  Then, Dan, being the general slow-starter / wishy washy and Charlie Brown-like person he can sometimes be, hesitates, before going in for the Big Slobber.  So, Blair, wanting to get this over with, grabs her Brookyln Bud, and pulls him in for a smooch.  The screen then freeze frames like THIS . . .

And, before you know it, we have Gossip Girl saying “XOXO” for the last time, before the show goes into a SIX WEEK HIATUS . . .

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Man, this sucks!  I really thought we’d get to see Chuck make a play for Blair’s heart, before the Final XOXO.  Unfortunately, this did not happen . . . yet.  The show’s upcoming promos offer some promise, however . . .

See you in April, Upper East Siders!  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Roses are Red, Tulips are Coke-y : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “While You Weren’t Sleeping”

WARNING:  Sleep Deprivation and lots of pot can make you do TERRIBLE things, like wear an unflattering robe on your first date, and dance VERY badly to songs by Ke$ha .  . .

Who said Gossip Girl couldn’t make you a better person?  I mean, just think about all the life lessons we learned from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl!   Here are just some of them: (1) Get a good night sleep . . .

(2) Don’t do drugs (unless, they are provided by Chuck Bass).

(3) In life, sometimes, it is important to stop and smell the roses . . . or . . . the tulips . . . to see if they contain coke.

(4) Other times, it is MORE important to smell YOURSELF.  (Personal hygiene is VERY important, PEOPLE!)

(5) Friends are SUPER important.  (Even those sort of dorky friends, who you don’t like to admit are your actual friends, but they totally ARE!)

(6) Oh, and above all?  Never, EVER, be ANYTHING like . . . HER!

Any questions?

Now, that we’ve gotten all those pesky “morals” out of the way, let’s get on with the recap.  Shall we?

Eric’s Turning Legal (and Serena Plays Scrabble?!) – ALERT THE MEDIA!

When the episode opens, Serena an Ben are sharing breakfast in Brooklyn.  Currently, they are engaging in a fascinating conversation about whether the toast they are eating is sufficiently “toasty.”  (I wish I was making this up.  But I’m not.)  Enter, a very pissy looking Dan . . .

Apparently, this “toasty” couple kept Dan up all night, with their . . . playing Scrabble.  (I wish that was a euphemism for something more exciting.  It’s not.) 

Dan expresses some surprise that Serena suddenly knows how to read enjoys playing Scrabble.  But, really, he should not be so surprised.  After all, Serena is one of those girls who pretends to like EVERYTHING her Boyfriend of the Month likes.  For example, when Serena dated Dan, she pretended to like flannel shirts, emo music, old movies, and raccoon zombies named Little J . . .

Much like the rest of us, Dan gets tired of watching Serena and Ben pretend to be a Hot Couple, and leaves. 

Once Dan is out of the picture, Serena flutters her eyelashes, and begs Boring Boyfriend Ben to attend her brother’s 18th Birthday Party, despite the fact that it’s being thrown by the woman who was solely responsible for him spending two years in the pokey for a pedophillic crime he didn’t commit even though he REALLY, REALLY wanted to.

Ben refuses to go to the party, which makes his new girlfriend “very disappointed in him.”  In fact, Serena is more disappointed in Ben now, than she was, back when he hired his sister to try to ruin her life, and ended up almost killing her.  It’s always nice to know that people on this show have their priorities straight . . .

Speaking of ruined lives, and messed up priorities, Eric, a.k.a. Mini vDW, has been pretending to be sick with the flu, so that he can skip his own Barely Legal Birthday Bash, and instead, act as Drug Dealing Damien’s Coke Mule.  (I think I saw a movie like this once . . .).  But, of course, Serena catches Mini vDW in the act, and is, you guessed it, “very disappointed in him.”

Eric explains to Serena how Drug Dealing Damien is blackmailing Eric to deliver kilos of coke, hidden inside pink tulips, or else he will release information, regarding how Lily committed perjury to get Ben thrown in jail all those years ago.  In response, Serena tells him that “she will take care of it.”  This way, Eric can enjoy his Big Stinkin’ Rich, but Still Incredibly Lame, Birthday Party, without the fear of having to spent his first few “legal” years behind bars.  (Golly gee, I wish MY siblings would deal drugs and commit felonies for ME!)

“You know, now that I think about it, this is exactly what I did on MY 18th birthday except I carried all the coke in my ginormous bra!  Ahhhh . . . memories!”

Speaking of folks who could use a good snort of coke . . .

Blair Needs Dan’s Help – ALERT THE MEDIA!

Poor Broken-hearted Blair!  Like the rest of us, she remembers that fateful (*sniffle, sniffle*) speech she made to Chuck a few episodes back, in which she told him that she needed to be successful in her own right, before she could be “Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.”  So, of course, Blair is trying to become “successful in her own right” as quickly as humanly possible.  This way, she can stop going to the damn movies all the time, and START having mindblowing sex in limosines, AGAIN!

The problem, of course, is that there aren’t enough hours in the day for Blair to be a full-time student,  RUN W Magazine (HAHA!), annoy all the women on the Forbes list, and help Serena with her Problem of the Week.  Oh, did I mention that all her interns QUIT? 

So, Blair has been foregoing sleep, and has hired her minions to do her coursework / errands for her . . .

 She is also letting Dorota DRESS HER.  No wonder Blair ended up wearing a French Maid Halloween Costume to work, yesterday!

When a SUPER SELFISH SERENA comes barging into Blair’s office, demanding that the latter help her come up with a scheme to bring down Drug Dealing Damien (Seriously?  Is Serena not the WORST, MOST SELFISH, FRIEND EVER?  Did she NOT watch what happened to Blair, during last week’s episode?  Has she NO HEART?). Blair is forced to beg for help from the very last person she wanted to ask . . .  THIS GUY.

Dan agrees to help relieve Blair of some of the tremendous burden she is under, provided she admit that he is “a friend” of hers, and not a “minion or underling.”  Blair’s EXTREMELY reluctant, mumbled admittance of this fact, was probably the funniest part of the episode for me. 

Source

(By the way, kudos to the GG makeup department, for successfully making Blair look bleary-eyed, frazzled, and unrested, yet still TOTALLY fabulous, this week.)

Speaking of Dan, has anybody else started to wonder if he EVER attends classes, downtown, at NYU?  Because, lately, it seems like the guy spends ALL his time (1) hanging around the W offices, where he is NO LONGER EMPLOYED; and (2) following Blair and/or Serena around the Upper East Side, like a little lost puppy dog.  Just sayin’.

Usually a champ at bossing around others, Blair fails to properly direct Dan in how to best serve her.  And so, the poor guy ends up taking on the Drug Mule Duties Blair had originally assigned Minion Penelope.  Oops!  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she told Dan to pick up the WRONG COLOR tulips. As a result, the ones Dan ended up bringing to Eric’s party, though very pretty (Purple is my favorite color!), were disappointingly DRUG FREE . . .

(By the way, I loved how, when the miscolored tulips arrived, the SUPPOSELY non-druggie Eric tested whether they were the right tulips, by SNORTING THEM ALL!)

We are SO on to YOU, Mini vDW!  Get thee to rehab!  GO!

Other things Blair screwed up this week include:

(1) Dictating the WRONG test information to her minion;

(2) Mixing up Eric’s birthday gift, with a gift she bought for her mother; and WORST OF ALL . . .

(3) wearing two MISMATCHED shoes to Eric’s party (They were both REALLY ugly too) where . . .surprise, surprise . . . she was trying to impress some random Special Guest Star influential business figure . . .

Hey Blair, you know what I hear is a really great substitute for sleep, in terms of invigorating the mind, and preventing mishaps like this?  LIMO SEX .   . .

Speaking of Chuck Bass 😉 . . .

Please LORD let this Boring Ass Corporate Takedown Story BE OVER!

We open with Chuck “hiring” Nate as his “wingman” to keep Raina occupied / try to win her back for him, while the Big Bass tried to take down his Girlfriend of the Minute’s daddy, once and for all . . .

Now, normally, I’d say that having your INSANELY HOT best friend babysit your ex-girlfriend for you is a TERRIBLE IDEA.  However, since I (1) DESPISE Chuck and Raina as a couple; (2) NEED Chuck to be single again for OBVIOUS reasons (*cough Chair cough*); (3) and actually don’t mind Raina and Nate as a prospective couple (more on THEM later), I say BRING IT ON!

“Pretend to be ‘in love’ with Random Guest Stars all you want.  But I saw next week’s promos.  And by this time next week, you will absolutely be chasing after ME again, Chuck Bass!”

Next up, we follow Chuck to a “Meeting” with Lily.  During this “Meeting,” Chuck tries to apologize to Lily for getting her fired from Bass Industries, last week.  Lily says she doesn’t forgive him. 

Chuck then accuses Lily of wanting to pork Russell Thorpe, despite being married to Rufus (just like she porked Rufus, back when she was married to Chuck’s dad).  Upon being more or less called a hobag by her adopted son, Lily bitchslaps Chuck.  It’s kind of awesome.

Serves you right for putting me through all this Raina Sh*t, lately!

Then, the camera pans back to THIS image.  And I am suddenly starting to wonder whether I am watching a really bad sitcom . . .

OMG!  Thorpe heard everything from behind his carefully placed newspaper!  – [Insert laughtrack here]

We then, of course, cut to this scene, which illustrates that the scene before it was a TOTAL act by Chuck and Lily, put on entirely for Thorpe’s benefit . . .

Chuck’s ridiculous facial expression here = the REASON screencaps were invented

Apparently, the grand plan is for Lily to go out on a Secret Date with Russell and pretend to want his hot bod . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck will use the key cards he got from Nate’s dad last week, to break into Russell’s office, and find evidence that will ultimately save his company from inevitable destruction. 

(How convenient that Mr. Big Real Estate Tycoon’s office is never locked or guarded.  I also like how underling employees / Ex-Cons with Known Drug Problems, like Nate’s dad, are, not only given keys to the CEO’s office, but also, apparently, the personal passwords to his laptop computer, and all Secret Files included therein.  Donald Trump to Russell Thorpe:  “YOU’RE FIRED . .  . Moron!”)

“Oh look, there’s a file on here named: The Key to Chuck Bass Saving His Company.  I wonder if it’s relevant.”

Earlier, I stated that the part of the episode where Blair asked Dan for help was the funniest moment in the hour.  I lied.  It was the second funniest.  The FUNNIEST moment was when we got a look at Russell Thorpe’s e-mail and saw THIS . . .

COME ON, Gossip Girl!  This Russell guy is planning a Super Secret, Possibly Illegal corporate takeover, and his ENTIRE inbox is filled with e-mails that are OBVIOUSLY related to said takeover.  That’s just not realistic!  I mean, at least throw some PORN in there, or something . . .

This dude is CLEARLY into some kinky sh*t!

In addition to lots of e-mails with his last name conveniently included in the subject line (and no porn), Chuck also finds THIS letter . . .

Apparently, Russell has been bargaining with “Mr. Kidd,” regarding the destruction of Bass Industries.  Chuck figures out that Russell is just doing all this to get back at the Dead Bart Bass for boinking Lily, when HE wanted to bone her himself. (Yeah, because THAT’S a solid reason for a business decision!  Between this, and his company’s lax security measures, I honestly don’t know how Thorpe makes any money at all!). 

Since Bass Industries is worth more “alive” than “dead,” Chuck assumes that “Mr. Kidd” might be interested in this type of information.  And, so, Chuck arranges to meet the man, awkwardly enough, at his stepbrother’s 18th Birthday Party.  (Can you say CREEPY?)  But before this meeting can happen, we have to endure this awkward and, let’s face it, ENTIRELY POINTLESS, scene, in which Rufus pretends to be MAD at Thorpe for stealing his honey bunny, Lily, away from him . . .

“Don’t even THINK about becoming van der Woodsen Husband Number 6, or I will CUT YOU!”

After this uselessness, Chuck finally gets to meet with Kidd, who, realizing Thorpe has been dishonest with him, agrees to hear Chuck out, and possibly cut some sort of a deal with him regarding Bass Industries . . .

“Hey, now that we’ve decided the fate of my company, what do you say we go out to the limo and have a three way slap around some Pinatas?  I hear Lily’s so loaded that she put $100 bills inside, instead of candy.”

Meanwhile, over in the “D” storyline of this evening, Nate is keeping Raina busy, by inviting her to do things that she has never done before.  Such “new and unusual” things, apparently, include WALKING . . .

“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot .  . . I think I got it!  Gosh, when I was with Chuck I spent all my time f*&king LAYING DOWN!  This is so EXCITING!” 

 . . . ice skating, getting cider spilled down her pants, ugly robe wearing, weed smoking . . .

. . . eating (gasp) ICE CREAM that wasn’t even personally prepared by pastry chefs .  . .

 . . . and, of course, playing Wii . . .

In fact, Raina enjoys all this “Poor Person Stuff” so much, that she decides to kick Chuck to the curb for good, in favor of the Nate-ster!

Raina is TOTALLY done with “Business in Bed!”  She’d much prefer Sex on Soiled Couch with Nate to the tune of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok!  (Judging by how UNSEXY her and Chuck’s sex scenes actually were, I can’t say I blame her. . . )

Of course, despite his earlier saying their relationship was “sacred,” news of Raina’s breakup via phone barely phases Chuck.  In fact, his NON-reaction to this, is the first genuine thing we’ve seen his character do in about three episodes.  What can I say?  The heart wants what it wants.  And, deep down, Chuck Bass’s heart knows that it wants THIS .   . .

Oh, did I mention that Vanessa is back?  (BOO!)  Or that she is trying to return to her so-called rightful place in Dan Humphrey’s boxer shorts, despite almost killing his once-girlfriend / possible soulmate?

Don’t care?  Neither does DAN!  In fact, he TOTALLY blows Vanessa off, which is SPECTACULAR!  Who knew Humpty Dumpty could be so Righteously Bad Ass?  It’s about DAMN TIME!

In other news .   . .

Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .

Meanwhile, Sad Birthday Boy, Eric has NO COKE TULIPS, and now owes Damien $100 grand!  Though I DID feel bad for Eric (I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, after all) I’ll admit, I snorted, when Damien came to the party for the cash, and Eric wrote him a check for the full sum from his “Rhodes Trust Fund,” like it was no big deal . . .

Gotta love the Obnoxiously Rich!

Even better,was when Lily walked in on the exchange, learned that it was being done to save HER ass from incarceration, and wrote the check herself . . . get this . . . from her PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNT.  Now, that’s just bad money management!  Way to earn interest on your “G’s,” Lily!

After Drug Dealing Damien leaves the party, Boring Ben (who, this WHOLE TIME, has been telling Serena that she and Eric shouldn’t stick up for their mother, because she deserves to go to jail for doing what she did to him), surprises everyone by shaking down Damien for Lily’s check . . .

Ben does this, by basically threatening to hire some of his prison buddies to KILL Damien (quite possibly the same guys that he hired to BEAT UP NATE’S DAD, back when he was in the slammer).  After peeing and pooping in his pants, Drug Dealing Damien hands a Significantly-Less-Boring-Now-Ben the check, and scampers away. 

(Honestly, I can’t decide whether this scene makes Ben even creepier than he was before, or just more awesome).

Of course, as luck would have it,Vanessa is watching this exchange.  And, even though (1) it’s a crowded city street; (2) she is standing about a half-a-mile AWAY; and (3) the guys are talking in hushed tones, she conveniently hears THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION .  . .

UGHHHHH! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO AWAY, AND STAY AWAY FOR ONCE?!

Later, Vanessa tries to call Serena (who, I remind you, she almost got KILLED) to warn her that her boyfriend is quite possibly a Sadistic Psycho Killer.  However, Serena is too busy porking the Sadistic Psycho Killer to notice that her phone is ringing . . . Oh well!

Toward the end of the episode, Drug Dealing Damien approaches Russell Thorpe, so that the two could take down the entire rest of the Gossip Girl cast together. 

(So, Thorpe conspires with DRUG DEALERS, now?  Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor?  Apparently, when I said earlier that this Corporate Takeover Storyline was finally over, I spoke too soon . . . Zzzzzzzzzzzz)

HELP!  Somebody Freaky Friday-ed Blair Waldorf!

Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Dan Humphrey greets a sleepy, Blair, who has ventured out of the Upper East Side (and WAY out of her comfort zone) to thank “Lonely Boy” for anonymously writing her W magazine blog entry, on her behalf.  Of course, she ended up getting fired from the job anyway.  But it was still a nice gesture!

“I lost my job.  I failed a test.  I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested.  And I’m in Brooklyn, talking about it with Dan Humphrey.  Someone must have Freaky Friday’ed me!  This can’t be my life,” gripes Blair. 

(Some fans are inclined to agree with her, on that one.)

Dan tries to comfort Blair, who’s had pretty much the WORST LUCK EVER, these past two episodes, with pizza (?)  (Does Blair even eat carbs?) and . . . SURPRISE  .  . . more old movies!  Not surprisingly, given the day they both have had, the two are asleep on the couch, within seconds of popping in the first film .  . .

(WOW!  Someone really likes pizza!  Do you think that was a large pie?)

Next week on Gossip Girl, Dan tries to escalate his friendship with Blair to the next level.  Meanwhile, Chuck, after having his head stuck up his ass for the past few episodes, FINALLY returns to true form, and works to win back the woman of his dreams.  It’s the episode ALL OF US have been waiting for:  Chair Fans versus Dair Fans!  Let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Not-So-Suite Life – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Panic Roommate”

Chuck:  “It was nice to FINALLY get scenes with you again this week, Blair.  For a while there, I was worried that the writers were AFRAID to have us interact, out of fear of showing the world just how much our CURRENT so-called relationships PALE in comparison to what you and I have together.”

Blair:  “Tell me about it!  You have about as much romantic chemistry with that Raina chick, as I have with Raccoon Zombie, Little J!”

Chuck:  “Good point . . . but what about Dan?  Do you think YOU have romantic chemistry with him?”

Blair:  “Who?”

Chuck:  “Exactly.”

 I like to think of this week’s installment of Gossip Girl as the “Special Guest Episode.”  Now, I’m not saying that the episode was particularly “special” or even all that good, for that matter.  I’m simply referring to the fact that, during this episode, our favorite Upper East Siders spent the majority of the hour interacting with and talking about special guests characters, most of whom we all KNOW won’t be around in about three or four episodes, anyway.  In fact, TWO of these special guest characters “peaced out,” even before the final XOXO . . .

Screw Little J!  If Gossip Girl ever does go off the air, I, personally think THIS guy has the most spinoff potential.  In fact, I can picture the title of his new series now:  “High Times with Drug-Dealing Damien.”  (Zac Efron would co-star, as his younger, straight-edge brother, Troy Bolton Ramien!)

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s go find out what the characters we do care about are saying about those we don’t.

Good Vibrations (or the lack thereof)

Is it just me, or does EVERY single Chuck / Raina sex scene on Gossip Girl look exactly the same (i.e. dull and colorless)?  In fact, not only do Chuck/Raina sex scenes not titillate me, they actually have the adverse effect of making me incredibly depressed. 

Why?  You ask . . .

Well, you see, everytime I watch Chuck and Raina power through one of their Five-Minute Missionary Position Lunch Break Lays, I can’t help but think of what I could be watching instead . . .

When Chuck and Blair have sex it’s a Contact Sport, one in which the competitors get extra points for creativity.  When Chuck and Raina do it, it’s an item on the To Do List, right underneath “Confirm Client Meeting” and “Make Sure the Maid Washes My Underwear.”

Anywhoo . . . the episode opens with Chuck and Raina doing it zzzzzzzzzzz.  Don’t feel bad if they are boring you, because Chuck’s bored too.  So, bored in fact, that when Raina’s cell phone vibrates, Chuck suggests she bring it into bed with her to up Arousal Factor.  (Note:  If this were Chuck and Blair in bed, they’d be going at it so aggressively, that not only would no one PICK UP the cell phone, it would probably get literally crushed beneath the sheer magnitude of the couple’s grinding backsides love.)

Raina, however, ignores Chuck’s advice, opting to pick up her phone, rather than use it as a Sex Toy.  In hindsight, that was probably a good decision, especially considering that the person calling Raina was HER FATHER . . .

The Awkward Moment when you are using your cell phone as a vibrator, and your DAD’S FACE appears on its screen . . .

Speaking of Chuck and Raina . . .  zzzzzzzzzzzz . . . 

(OK, I’m up!  I’m up!) 

What’s their ship name, anyway?  Ruck?  Chaina?  Is it even worth the effort of making one up?  Do any fans ACTUALLY ship these two as a couple?  I didn’t think so . . .

Always at Daddy’s beck and call, Raina exits the premises, leaving Chuck to nurse THESE . . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Upper East Side . . .

Epperley Needs a Date (Wait . . . who the f*&k is Epperley?)

At W Magazine, Blair is finding herself in a very unique situation, one she has NEVER experienced in all her time on Gossip Girl:  She has to work . . . hard.

“Surely, this is the first sign of Show Cancellation Shark Jumping the Apocalypse!”

As luck would have it, Blair’s new boss, Epperley, is completely stressed out about the Plot Device Party Upcoming W Magazine event, and is working Poor Blair’s little french manicured fingers to the bone, as a result.  This, of course, is completely unacceptable to Blair.  No self-respecting woman should willingly busy herself with menial office tasks (That’s what DOROTA is for!).  In fact, according to Blair, any woman who DOES work hard in a career setting, MUST be hard up for loving! 

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself . . .

Fear not, Upper East Siders.  Blair Waldorf has A PLAN!

Blair and Chuck Put their Heads Together (Unfortunately, no other body parts touch, in the process.)

After work (or before . . . or during . . . Annoying and inconsequential things like TIME, never seem to matter all that much to the ridiculously rich.), Blair (with Epperley in tow) heads over to La Casa de Chuck and Nate to screw Chuck’s brains out request a favor of her soulmate former beau.

Isn’t this picture SO much better, when taken completely out of the lame context of this episode?

The stated reason for the visit is that Blair wants to host the W Magazine function on Chuck’s property.  Of course, we all KNOW that Chuck could have probably agreed to host Blair’s event over the phone, thereby saving her and her boss the commute.  I SMELL A SCHEME!

Of course, we are not at all surprised, when Blair requests that Nate give Epperley a tour of the place, leaving Blair and Chuck alone to screw like bunny rabbits talk. 

As it turns out, both Blair and Chuck have favors to ask one another.  Chuck goes first.  He wants Blair to tell him how he can win Raina’s heart (blech!), so that she can convince her father not to sell Bass Industries out from under him.  (Ummm yeah . . . because asking your EX girlfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with, how to seduce your current one is not inappropriate AT ALL!) 

Improprieties aside, Blair actually offers Chuck some pretty helpful advice.  Contrary to what Chuck might think, hours and hours of sex (particularly the boring kind of sex he has with Raina) do not make a woman fall in love with a man.  Rather, Chuck will probably have to find some commonality between him and Raina that he can exploit, in order to make her feel connected to him.

“You mean I actually have to TALK to her?  I’m bored already . . .”

For Blair’s part, she wants Chuck to seduce Epperley, so that she doesn’t make Blair work so hard.  (Ummmm yeah . . . because asking your EX Boyfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with to have sex with your boss, so that he can sleep YOUR way to the top, is not inappropriate AT ALL!)  Unfortunately for Blair, Chuck declines her request.  Don’t get him wrong, it’s not that Chuck is AVERSE to having multiple sex partners at one time . . .

. . . it’s just that this whole “talking to Raina” thing is going to be using up all his excess mental energy, not to mention his patience.  So, there is simply not enough Chuck left over for Epperley. 

No bother!  If Blair can’t have Chuck, she’ll take the Next Best Thing . . .

Source

OMG!  It’s Gossip Girl, Season 1, all over again!

So, Blair wants NATE to seduce Epperley now.   But she wants him to be a more “generous” lover with Epperley than he was with HER.  (Who knew Little Nate Archibald was such a glutton in the sack?)  Slutty as he may be, however, Nate is going to need a bit of convincing, before he lets Blair pimp him out. 

And so, when Chuck calls, while Blair is still with Nate, Blair pretends he’s Epperley, and starts talking to “her” about how “she” [Epperley] thinks Nate is a majorly Hot Piece of Ass, who she desperately wants to bone at the W party.

“Epperley” and I can agree on this point.

You’re overselling.  Wrap it up,” Chuck kindly advices his Lady Love, immediately understanding EXACTLY what she is trying to do.

Then, when Chuck notices Raina and her RIDICULOUS hat looming in the distance,  he starts playing the SAME game — casually telling Blair what a DEEP connection he and Raina share together . . .

“Legend has it, if you look at my hat for too long, you can turn to stone . . .”

Chuck and Raina Play Hotel Hide and Seek

Knowing that Raina’s dad’s company will vote on the buyout of Bass Industries in just a few short hours,  Chuck really turns on the charm.  He takes Raina out to lunch at his hotel, and sweet talks every busboy or waiter that passes him by.  When Raina notes that all this “Kindness for the Poor” stuff Chuck is doing seems like a Big Ole Crock of Sh&t, Chuck starts waxing poetic about his young days growing up on the Disney Show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Chuck on hotel property. And, wouldn’t you know it?  RAINA GREW UP in a hotel TOO!

You mean to tell me kids who’s Fathers Own HOTELS spend a lot of time in HOTELS?  I’M SHOCKED!

The two Children of Hotel Barons even shared the same Childhood Hiding Place!  This must be Lame True Love, right?  Recognizing that he has Raina in his clutches, Chuck allows the other shoe to drop, by inviting Raina to attend Blair’s W party event, thereby missing  the vote to take over Bass Industries, which, conveniently enough, must be unanimous in order to pass.  Raina accepts!

“I am SO GOOD!”

And yet, neither Chuck, nor Raina counted on Raina’s Kill Joy Dad crashing the party.  Thorpe quickly informs Raina that the Little Bass-tard knew all about the timing of the vote, and was only using her to save his company.  Raina asks Chuck if this is true.  He admits that it is, but assures her that, in the process of manipulating Raina, he eventually grew to “really care about her” and blah, blah, blah *cough . . . bullsh*t . . . cough*

“Nothing can make me trust you again,” pouts Raina, before stalking off.

“I’m MAD AS HELL.   And I’m not going to take it . . . for the next five minutes, at least!”

Apparently, when Raina said that “nothing” would make her trust Chuck again, she might have been exaggerating just a little bit.  Because all it takes is an itty bitty phone call from Blair telling her how much Chuck REALLY cares about her, for Raina to wind herself right back into Chuck’s bed.  (Wow!  She must REALLY like Boring Missionary Sex!)

Blair to Shark:  “Consider yourself JUMPED.”

Speaking of Meaningless Sex, Blair has finally managed to convince Epperley to attend the W event, so that she can screw Nate there, and, hopefully, start being nicer to Blair, as a result.  On the night of the event, when Nate starts getting cold feet about essentially being Blair’s Man Whore, our Queen B gets a little handsy . . .

Source

Later that night,  W Magazine enters into a bit of a crisis situation (Apparently, it had something to do with gift bags, or something else equally unimportant).  Unfortunately, for Blair, her boss, Epperley, is nowhere to be found.  Nate is there, however . . .

Nate explains to Blair that he struck out in his manwhoring with Epperley, when some dude with a British accent hit on her, causing her to go off with him.  Blair then commandeers Nate to help her fix the Gift Bag Crisis, by threatening him to reveal his favorite musical to everyone, if he doesn’t help.   Apparently, Nate thinks that The Sound of Music is the Bees Knees, because it has “guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.”

Who knew?

With the help of the apparently Nazi-loving Nate, Blair does manage to singlehandedly SAVE W Magazine from the horror that is having a party with NO gift bags.  So, when Blair arrives at the office the next morning, she is surprised to learn that Epperley has been in the Editor’s office for OVER AN HOUR.  (“What could they POSSIBLY be talking about?”  She wonders.)

When Epperley emerges from the office, she gives Blair the news.  Apparently, Epperley’s British One-Night Stand ended up being a LONG TIME ex-beau, who wanted to take her to Bali so the pair could do yoga together, or something.  So, Epperley decided to QUIT her much coveted, insanely prestigious, job.

“You are leaving the magazine for ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?”  Blair inquires, confused by Epperley’s plot device change of heart.

As it turns out, not only did Epperley quit the magazine, but she has requested that Blair, an INTERN and COLLEGE SOPHOMORE / FULL TIME STUDENT, who she knew for MAYBE A WEEK, and who, during that time, GOT INTO A WRESTLING MATCH AT A HIGH PROFILE COMPANY EVENT, to be her replacement . . .

“Well . . . on a positive note . . . this will make me feel successful enough in my own right to start dating Chuck again!”

In other news . . .

He’s Baaaaack!

Ugh!  Ben . . . again!  When is this guy going to GO AWAY, already?  Isn’t it bad enough we had to cope with HIS EVIL PSYCHO SISTER for half a season? 

Now, I know Drug Dealing Damien is a “Bad Guy” who “Tried to Date Rape Raccoon Zombie” and “Hurt Eric’s Feelings,” but still . . . was any one else, besides me, actually ROOTING FOR HIM, this week?

Did I mention he’s REALLY hot?

Anyway, as you might recall from last week, Rufus took Serena advice (at the SECRET behest of Lily), and offered Ben the opportunity to live out the remainder of his parole at DAN’S APARTMENT.  He did this, mind you, without asking DAN whether it would be OK. 

“W . . . T . . . F!”

To make matters worse, Ben is an AWFUL ROOMMATE.  For starters, he PUTS THE SALAD BOWLS BACK ON THE WRONG SHELF!  (The horror!)  Ben also constantly eyef*&ks Dan’s ex girlfriend, EATS her out SUSHI with her, and agrees to attend W Magazine events with her . . .

NOT COOL, BRO!

Fortunately for Dan, help is on the way, in the form of Drug Dealing Damien, and Friendless Eric.  Honestly, I had to laugh when Damien started going into that ridiculously fake sob story, about how Ben threatened to tell his parents on him for DEALING DRUGS, and how Damien is SO VERY SCARED of Ben, and Eric ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM! 

(Seriously, Eric?  Have years and years of being FRIENDS with Raccoon Zombie Little J, a step-sibling to Chuck Bass, and a son to your Lying Manipulative B*tch of a Mother taught you NOTHING?)

“So, I come off as gullible and mentally deficient in this episode.   So, what?  At least they gave me a PLOTLINE, for a change!”

Together, Damien and Eric come to Dan for help with Operation Make Ben Look Crazy so his Parole Officer will Cart him Back to Jail.  At the W party, Damien tries to provoke Ben into a fight, but fails.

Not willing to give up, Damien then has ERIC punch him in the face.  He then has Dan invite Ben’s parole officer to the party, so that the latter can see Damien’s smushed face, and think Ben did it.  (That’s A LOT of trouble to go through for some guy you just “don’t like very much.”  Isn’t it, Damien?)

When Serena arrives at the party, to find Ben being dragged away by his parole officer, she is not a Happy Camper . . .

“I am NOT a Happy Camper.”

Serena does not believe for ONE SECOND that Ben would willingly hurt Drug Dealing Damien at a public event.   And yet, when she confronts Ben about it, he doesn’t deny it, or try to defend himself because he is such a Boring Loser.   Later, Eric tries hitting on his “new friend” Drug Dealing Damien again.  However, this time, the latter admits to, more or less, just using him to get back at Ben, and wants nothing more to do with him.  As a result of this rejection, a heartbroken, and incredibly guilty-feeling, Baby VDW comes clean to Rufus, about what he and Drug Dealing Damien did (with Dan’s help, of course).  Then, Dan and Eric rat Drug Dealing Damien out to his Mommy and Daddy for being a drug dealer, and make him cry . . .

Ultimately, Ben is cleared of all charges.  He is also eventually allowed to move back into Dan’s place . . . and Serena’s pants.

“Welcome Ben, prepare to boldly go where every male (and some inanimate objects) on this show have already been . . .”

And that was “Panic Roommate” in a nutshell, Upper East Siders!   Until next time . . .XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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People Can Surprise You – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko”

A WORD OF WARNING, BEFORE WE BEGIN:  I’m a Chair Fan . . . BIG TIME!  Dair Fans, some of this recap might annoy the heck out of you.  Please enter with caution.  And don’t say you weren’t warned . . .

BLAIR:  “Wait a minute!  Why am I FIGHTING with you over a stapler?  I have never stapled anything in my life!  Dorota stapled everything for me from the day I was born until middle school.  After that, my minions took over the job.”

DAN:  “Honestly, I’m not quite sure.  Just like I don’t understand how YOU ended up being the one who ‘worked hard to earn’ this internship, and I got it as a result of my ‘vast connections.’  Not to mention, the silver spoon Lily van der Woodsen has apparently, lodged up my ass, ever since she started boning my father.”

BLAIR:  “Ughhh, does this mean I’m still in that weird Nightmare World, where I suddenly know how to do thinks like ‘wash dishes,’ and rarely ever get to interact with Chuck?

DAN:  “I’m afraid so, Miss Waldorf.   I’m afraid so . . .”

BLAIR:  *closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together repeatedly*  “There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no . . .”

Just when you THINK you know a person, he or she can start doing things that are *ahem* COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.  If there was any theme at all to Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko” episode, I would say that would be it.  And yet, toward the end of the episode, people returned to acting JUST how you would expect them to act.  Thus, proving that, at the end of even the darkest of tunnels, a bright light will ultimately shine through . . .

“Chuck Bass . . . and no guest.  You may enter my dress.

Let’s review, shall we?

Blair plays nice(?), while Dan plays . .  . with himself

“Ak . . .  and now I’m sitting on a DIRTY FLOOR .  . . IN MY DESIGNER DRESS?  What the heck is WITH this episode?”

When the episode begins, Blair and her roomie Serena are preparing for the day ahead. 

In a rare turn of events, Serena is extremely chatty about her plans for the upcoming week (i.e. “To give my Ex-Con Teacher Friend an “I’m sorry my family TOTALLY ruined your life, but, as it turns out, you kind of deserved it, because you and your sister are ABSOLUTE NUTBAGS, who almost got me killed” F*&k, by Friday.”).  Blair, on the other hand, is alarmingly secretive about her To Do List. 

(OK, since when has Blair EVER kept quiet about her career, and / or plans for Eventual World Domination?  The only time Blair is supposed to be keeping secrets, is when she’s having Mindblowing Sex with Chuck, and doesn’t want anyone else to know about it . . . because they’d be way too jealous.)

“You know you love us  . . . together.  XOXO!”

And yet, it is absolutely essential for this Bizarro Plot of the Week that positively NO ONE, save Blair herself, know about the internship she supposedly worked so hard to secure, sometime between this week’s episode and last.  “I feel like I’m living with Don Draper,” remarks Serena.

No, Serena.   You WISH you were living with Don Draper.  I hear he “Likey The Blondes,” particularly ones that are young, extremely promiscuous, and have low self-esteem, like yourself.

Blair leaves the apartment, and meets up with her New Movie Buddy Dan, who, apparently, she’s been seeing quite a bit of, since their first Holiday Dalliance, during the mid-season finale.  (Somehow, I find it difficult to imagine Blair enjoying herself in a place where Popcorn and Soda in a Plastic Cup are the choicest items on the menu.)  It seems, based on the pair’s exchange, that these two have had plenty to talk about, during their nights out.  Everything from movies, to books, to art is discussed, analyzed, and promptly disagreed upon, in a matter of two minutes. 

And yet, during all this time, NEITHER Blair, nor Dan, has mentioned where he or she is planning to INTERN.  This is despite the fact that these two are SO scholarly and ambitious, that obtaining said internship SHOULD have been the PRIMARY thing on BOTH of their minds, ever since winter break concluded.  (I mean, it’s not like EITHER of them has been getting laid!)  But hey, Plot Devices . . . they are important, right?  So, Blair and Dan part ways, only to find themselves together again, just moments later, in the Copy Room of W Magazine.

“You want me to WHAT?  Collate?  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  You, over there, in the unfashionable suit, get Dorota on the phone and ask her to tell me what ‘collate’ means?”

Now, I find it a bit hard to believe that Blair — a girl, who just last week, memorized the entire biography of a woman on the Forbes list, and literally made a life-sized CHART of her day-to-day schedule, in order to secure an internship with her — wouldn’t even THINK to inquire as to whether there might be OTHER interns working with her at a company as large as the W Magazine.  In fact, the Blair WE know and love, would have probably collected a full dosseir on EACH of the other interns (Dan included), complete with their Deepest Darkest Secrets, and already begun the process of bringing each and every one of them down.  But, like I said, Plot Devices are important . . .

 “Epperly” Blair’s and Dan’s modelesque, but obviously business-minded, boss informs the group that they are all fighting for the same job — which appears to be an “assistant to the editor’s assistant” — sort of deal.  (Lesson to you future employers out there:  If you want to GUARANTEE a toxic environment within your workplace, THIS is how you do it.)  That being said, I actually saw a lot of promise in this storyline . . . intially. 

I pictured Dan and Blair banding together (They are members of the SAME Scooby Gang after all), to cleverly and hilariously weed out the other interns, only to engage one another in heated battle, during the final moments of the episode.  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen . . .

“W . . . T . . . F!”

I also expected for a place like W Magazine to engage its potential employees in a series of meaningful, Project Runway for Fashion Writers-esque competitions.  This way,  the “competitors” could truly showcase, which of them was the Best of the Best for the position.  What I got instead was Dan and Blair pretty much ignoring the rest of their competition (to their peril, I might add) and engaging in fundamentally idiotic battles over who made the best lattes, and who got to “handle the stapler.”  (Unfortunately, this is NOT a Euphemism for Sexual Activity).

All complaints aside, one part of GG’s take on The Devil Wears Prada 2:  Electric Boogaloo that I did enjoy, was when Blair distracted Dan from one of his menial office tasks, by shouting to him, “Oh, look!  It’s Georgina’s Baby!”

Do you remember that storyline?  Because Dan Humphrey probably wishes that you would forget it.

But when the interns actually are assigned a GENUINELY competitive task:  Who can get the most prestigious guest to attend Gossip Girl’s Fancy Party of the Week W Magazine’s promotional event?   . . .  well, that’s when things get REALLY bizarre.  As Convenient Plot Devices Luck would have it, both Dan and Blair somehow manage to get a hold of one another’s proposed guest lists.  Yet while Blair stupidly politely throws Dan’s list in the trash, determined to play fairly for once, DAN sabotages her, by preventing her prized guest from attending the event.

On the night of the party, Blair finds herself working the door, when, who should enter, but Chuck Bass.  Thus, begins, what, OF COURSE, was my favorite scene of the entire episode . . .

Source

BLAIR:  “Chuck Bass . . . and no guest.   You may enter.”

CHUCK:  Blair Waldorf . . . working the door.

BLAIR:  “I got an internship at W Magazine.”

CHUCK:  “Knowing you, you’ll be Editor and my wife by May.  Your plan is working.

BLAIR:  “So, it seems to be.”

And in that one small scene — surrounded, as it was, by abyss of woeful Chair-lessness – I found HOPE, for the couple I’ve grown to love over four seasons.  Though admittedly short, the interaction was pulsating with chemistry, sexual tension, longing looks, and above all, an unmatched sweetness.  This unique flavor of sweetness is one that Chuck and Blair reserve exclusively for one another.  Though, on occasion, they can be KIND to others (generous, and self-sacrificing even), never are these two driven, extremely serious, individuals EVER “sweet.”  Unless, of course, they are together, sharing a moment like this one.

Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Chuck’s words to Blair, during their painful breakup, back in “The Witches of Bushwick” episode,  “When two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

That, of course, is “The Plan” to which Chuck refers in the scene.  And that plan IS working.  Because as Blair mentioned during “The Witches of Bushwick,” she needs to chart her own path in life, before she can build a true and everlasting future with Chuck.  Succeeding at this internship, is her first step down that Golden Path . . .

So, of course, Dan has to go and screw it up, by sabatoging Blair’s party list, and, thereby, causing THIS to happen . . .

Source

And then this happens to both Dan and Blair . . .

Blair is NOT amused . . .

 (I would like to note, at this point, that I was searching for a picspam on the Dair tumblr page to insert into this recap.  And the mere act of doing so NEARLY gave me a virus.  My computer started doing all these weird scary things, and I had to unplug it quickly, before any more damage can be done.  I suspect this is either the result of Dair fans wanting revenge against me for my undying devotion to Chair, or the universe trying to tell me something . . .)

Anyway . . .

Back at the W offices, Blair and Dan are packing their things, when Blair reveals to Dan just how big of an ass he REALLY is.  As it turns out, Blair’s mom DIDN’T secure Blair this internship, as Dan (and most of us) assumed.  Instead, she stalked the office, like a crazy person, to get the job . . . creepily bombarding every fax machine in the office with her resume.

Then she KILLED the intern who was ACTUALLY supposed to get the position . . . just kidding!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this “New and Improved” Blair, who’s willing to actually work hard to get what she wants, as opposed to getting there through manipulation and nepotism.   And yet, I find it VERY hard to believe that Eleanor, one of New York’s Premier Designers, couldn’t get Blair an internship at W, by . . . say . . . offering its editor an exclusive peek at her Spring Line.  Nevertheless, I agree with Blair, that, Dan’s career aspirations and talents would be better suited with him working for an enterprise like The New Yorker.  (For the record, Lily got Dan HIS job . . . probably by paying off Epperley, or screwing the director of Human Resources, knowing her.)

“You wanted an internship.  I wanted THIS one,” argues Blair.

Dan then wondered out loud (as most of US wondered) why Blair didn’t sabotage Dan’s efforts to secure a guest for the party.  “Guess I must have an undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought this fake friendship might be real!”  Blair admits.

“Well, don’t I feel like a Douche!”

Ultimately, Dan redeems himself, by calling Epperley, and admitting that HE was the one who sabatoged Blair’s internship efforts, not the other way around.  He goes one step further, by fibbing that it was BLAIR, and not Dan, who got Dan’s famous guest to arrive at the party.  He even goes as far as to tell his former boss that HE started the knockdown, drag out, fight with Blair, just to make her look bad. 

It WAS a genuinely nice gesture on Dan’s part, I must admit — one that shows that Blair was right.  Her FRIENDSHIP with Dan is a real one.  And yet, I can’t help but notice that, having lost HIS internship already, Dan really had nothing to lose, by calling Epperley, and taking the blame for what had happened at the party.  Now, had only BLAIR been fired, thereby, forcing Dan to GIVE UP the position . . . so that she could have it, in his place . . . THAT would have been a special sacrificial act, indeed. 

(A missed opportunity, Gossip Girl writers!  If you want us Chair Fans to support a Dan and Blair hookup . . . even if it’s only a temporary one, which ultimately ends in a lasting friendship for the pair . . . you are going to have to work WAY harder than that!)

The next morning, Blair is sulking in bed with Serena, when Epperley calls her, to tell her she has her job back.  Blair has 15 minutes to get her butt to the office.  (You can’t get ANYWHERE in 15 minutes, in Manhattan!)  This probably would explain why Blair showed up at work looking like THIS . . .

Looks like SOMEONE raided SERENA’s closet, by accident . . . FISHNET STOCKINGS?  PINK SHORTS?  A GRANNY SWEATER?  SERIOUSLY, B?

In other news . . .

Strange (and boring) bedfellows

Chuck’s been doing the Horizontal Mambo with Raina, in hopes that she will fall so desperately in love with him, that she will convince her father not to buy out Bass Industries.  Riiiiight . . . because THAT always works.  (And by “always,” I mean “never.”)  Chuck, I’m disappointed in you.  Clearly, you need Blair on your side to help you come up with better Diabolical Plans.

Chuck’s eyes are closed, because he’s sleeping through this scene . . . as are most fans.

Chuck’s duller than dishwater scheme hits a bit of a snag, when he learns that Russell Thorpe has hired Nate’s ex-con dad to do his dirty work for him.  So, Chuck stupidly requests that Raina fire him.  Insulted that Chuck would have the GALL to mix business with pleasure (Clearly, this chick has never watched Gossip Girl before.)  Raina kicks Chuck out of her bed . . . for about an hour.  Then she takes him back.  *Yawn*

Speaking of Nate’s Coke addicted loser of a Papa . . . The Captain of Douchebaggery . . .

 . . . he’s positively SHOCKED that his son would even THINK that he, of all people, would sabotage Chuck’s business interests, while working for his corporate enemy.  So, the morally outraged Captain moves out of Nate’s house.  And then . . . wait for it . . . he tells Russell Thorpe that he is willing to sabotage Chuck’s business interests.  SURPRISE!

Eric Finally Gets His Own Plotline!  (YAY!) Too Bad its One That Makes Him Look Like a Gullible Moron (BOO!)

The Awkward Moment when you come home, to find your Ex-Boyfriend and your Mom engaged in an in-depth conversation about your Love Life, or lack thereof . . .

This week, we learn that, even though Eric CLAIMS to have been spending time with his boyfriend, Elliot, they actually broke up weeks ago.  (Way to spill the beans to Mom, LAME-O Ex Beau, Jonathan!)  Instead, Eric has been spending his time filling up on sleeping pills, and hanging out with Drug Dealing Damien — the same guy who (1) almost KILLED Serena, by dealing the drugs Juliet used to knock the poor girl unconscious; AND (2) almost date raped his former bestie, Little J a.k.a. Raccoon Zombie.

He’s still hot though . . . which, come to think of it, may be why Eric likes him so much.

Eric eventually comes clean to his family about what he’s been doing, these past few weeks.  But, alas, Mini van der Woodsen is SO very lonely, that when Drug Dealing Damien calls him, in the last few moments of the episode, with offers to “be his friend,” Eric accepts the invitation without a single moment of questioning or hesitation.  Well, this certainly doesn’t look good . . .

Speaking of Drug Dealing Damien, his Call of Friendship to Eric seems to be in response to a recent threat he received from Ex Con,  Ben (or, as I like to call him, Professor Pedophile) who warned the Triple D to stay away from Serena’s family, even thoughProfessor Pedo claimed earlier in the episode that he had “no romantic feelings for Serena, AT ALL.”

“That’s not really true, Serena.  I dreamed about you in prison . .  .  every single time I dropped the soap.”

Regarding the Happily Now-Of-Age Sort-of / Kind of Couple . . .

Serena is in love AGAIN!  (It must be a Monday!)

It appears that Eric isn’t the only van der Woodsen that’s a Glutton for Punishment.  No matter that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in prison, and hired his own sister to basically ruin Serena’s life for the entire first half of the season, Serena is positively smitten with Professor Pedo.  And when he tells her that he’s leaving town in a few days to start an Organic Farm in Ithaca (?)  (Oh, Professor, you are SO on the wrong show!), Serena is positively heartbroken.  She’s even more shocked to learn that Professor Pedo isn’t living on his friend’s couch, as he mentioned, but at a Super Seedy Halfway House  . . .

It should, perhaps, be noted that Serena defines a “Super Seedy Halfway House” as anything below 80th street  . . .

At the Gossip Girl Fancy Party of the Week, Serena’s affection for Professor Pedo grows, when he offers some “fatherly” (hint, hint, wink, wink) advice to Eric about staying away from drug dealers like Damien (and ex cons, like himself, and the Captain of Douchebaggery).  Then, Ben actually goes so far as to REJECT Serena’s romantic advances.  This nearly sends the Masochistic, Serial Dumping, S to her knees, with orgasmic pleasure. 

“Yes . . . yes . . . yes!  Reject me!  Say you hate me!  Treat me like crap, and try to have me murdered!  MORE!  MORE!  MORE!”

So, of course, Serena is flabbergasted, though not exactly surprised, to find that Evil Mommy Dearest Lily (who redeemed herself in fans eyes for precisely two seconds, by getting Ben released from jail) had tried, once again, to use her money and influence to keep Professor Pedo out of the van der Woodsen’s lives for good. 

Ben refuses the money, however.  And this prompts Rufus to take him on as a tenant.  Serena is POSITIVELY THRILLED with this new development.  But it just makes me nervous . . . really nervous. 

And that’s all I’ve got on Damien Darko.  But, of course, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts on the episode!

Until next time . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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It’s All “Relative” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Kids Are Not All Right”

Welcome Back, GGers!  I’ve MISSED you!  Heck, I’ve missed ALL my favorite Upper East Siders!  It’s definitely been a long and dark December, without a hint of gossip, a dollop of scandal, or a heaping helping of Limosine Sex, to keep me warm . . .

And, honestly, I think it’s BECAUSE I missed this show, and these characters, so much, that I had such a great deal of trouble sitting down to write this recap.  You see, I really, REALLY wanted to kick off the second half of the fourth season of Gossip Girl, by writing an energetic, fun, and, above all, extremely positive, recap, of which I could truly be proud.  But then, I watched this episode . . . and . . . well . . .

 . . . Suffice it to say, I had some “less than positive” things to say about it.

OK . . . I know what you’re thinking!  I can practically feel you rolling your eyes at me from your computer screen . . .

Your thinking to yourself, of course SHE didn’t like the episode!  SHE is a crazed, unapologetically biased, Chair Fan.  And “The Kids Are Not All Right,” not only featured virtually NO interaction between Chuck and Blair whatsoever, it also depicted both characters getting “friendly” with other members of the opposite sex, from OTHER “Ships.”

Good point!  But it’s not ALL about that!  REALLY!  I mean, surely, I’ve enjoyed at least SOME GG episodes that didn’t feature solid Chuck and Blair scenes in them. 

I mean . . . I can’t really think of any right now.  But I’m willing to bet they exist! 🙂

In all seriousness, it was the STORYLINES of “The Kids Are Not All Right” that really bugged me:  Another “Battle for Bass Industries” . . . 

 

 . . . another situation, where Blair schemes to get some “prestigious” internship with some fancy One-Week-Wonder Guest Star, only to have it ultimately blow up in her face . . .

 .  .  another storyline where Dan fumbles a “great” opportunity, because he’s too busy following Serena around like a puppy dog to care about his own life . . .  

 . . . another Nate’s Deadbeat Dad storyline . . . COME ON, Gossip Girl!  These aren’t the fun, sexy, and uniquely scandalous storylines that have kept us coming back, week after week, for FOUR YEARS NOW!

That being said . . . I thought a lot about how I could write this recap, and keep it “positive.”  I explored a lot of options.  I even considered MAKING UP STUFF, and pretending that it happened in the episode — thereby, turning this “recap” into what would essentially be a glorified Chair fanfiction . . .

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

And that’s when it hit me .  . .

I don’t NEED to insert any fake Chair scenes into this episode, because this episode is ALREADY ALL about Chair . . . and (unfortunately, for me, because I’m a Serenate fan) Derena.  Specifically, “The Kids Are All Right” is about how these two seemingly volatile couples are both essentially DESTINED to be the “Endgame” in Gossip Girl world! 

(Suddenly, I’m liking this episode a WHOLE lot better . . .)

Confused?  Allow me to help you examine “The Kids Are Not All Right” from what I’d like to call the “Chair Perspective.”  (Oh, and for those of you who aren’t Chair fans, you may want to skip down to the words THE END at the bottom of this VERY Chair-full recap section.  I don’t want to make you any madder at me, than you probably already are. ;))

The Chair Perspective – Blair’s Path to Greatness

Remember “The Witches of Bushwick” episode?  If so, then you probably recall how Chuck and Blair FINALLY mutually confessed their love for one another, only to break up outside the Empire Hotel, moments later, so that Blair could try and “find herself.”  Here are some of the “highlights” of that heartbreaking scene:

BLAIR:  “I followed my heart all last year, and it got me no where.  Now I need to follow my head . . . I have to be Blair Waldorf, before I can be Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK: “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

A pointless breakup of two soulmates, you say?  ABSOLUTELY!  🙂  And yet, the above scene is very meaningful, in terms of this episode!  You see, Blair always knew she didn’t want to simply follow in her mother’s footsteps, or live off her family’s wealth. 

Blair wants to chart her own path, and be a successful, powerful woman, in her own right.  But, up until this point, she had NO CLUE what that path was!  That’s why she always got her ideas for internships and extracurriculars activity ideas out of Forbes Magazine, as opposed to by picking her own brain.  Yet, this week, with the help of her new buddy, Dan (Yes, I said Dan . . . and “buddy,” of course) as well as the support of her mother, Blair, for lack of a better term, finally figured out what she “wants to be when she grows up.” 

Chair Fans, Blair Waldorf is destined to be the next Anna Wintour!   

She’s the editor of Vogue, in case you were wondering.

And once Blair is confident that she can successfully achieve that goal, she will be ready to begin the lifelong relationship with Chuck that we all know she is destined to have.  In real life, “finding yourself” can take years, maybe even a lifetime!  But in TV land, it takes approximately “four episodes” . . . 

“If two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back [to eachother],” says Chuck Bass. 

And, if my predictions are correct, Blair should be “back” to Chuck in four-to-six episodes . . .  Sound good?

But What About Chuck?

Chuck may not have been as adamant about it as Blair was, but he also needs to find himself, before he can enter into a livelong relationship with Blair.  Unlike his soulmate, who has spent her whole life striving for success, Chuck merely allowed it to be handed to him.  The Chuck Bass we met during Seasons 1 and 2, cared little about academics, and only slightly more about his father’s business and finances.  He was much more interested in booze and sex. 

Chuck inherited Bass Industries.  He never had to work for it.  And in the first few months of his ownership of the company, he squandered his wealth and the company’s good name.  So, his stepmother, Lily had to step in, and take the reigns for him. 

Now Chuck is at risk to lose Bass Industries once again.  And this time, Lily can’t help him.  This time, Chuck must prove to himself, (and to rest of New York City) that HE is not just the slacker son of a Real Estate Magnate, but a force to be reckoned with — an adult, who is capable of running a successful Empire (and Empire Hotel, of course).  Only when Chuck has accomplished this, will he feel truly worthy of Blair, or at least, of the strong powerful business woman that she is destined to become.

This is why this whole (admittedly snoozy) Bass Industries storyline, is essential to the Chair Endgame.  It is forcing Chuck to prove himself, in a professional way, and on his own merits, without his parents, step-parents, or his slimy older brother to lift him up, if he falls.

So what’s the deal with Dair?  (And why are Chuck and Serena getting so pal-y all the sudden?  Because, that’s just creepy!)

Watching Dan interact with Serena this week, proved to me that he and Blair are in effectively the same place, in terms of their respective relationships.  Both Dan and Blair are more studious, and hardworking than their counterparts.  And yet, they also tend to sacrifice more of their own success and happiness for that of their significant others, due to their generally giving (albeit, slightly judgmental) natures.  Blair mentioned in “The Witches of Bushwick” that she followed her heart for a year, and it got her nowhere.  Dan might have said the same thing, if he had more lines, during that episode . . .

No less than THREE times, during this episode, Dan gave up his own plans, and even a JOB INTERVIEW, to cater to Serena’s whim.  And each time, she DITCHED HIS ass!  To echo Blair’s now-iconic words, Dan REALLY needs to become Dan Humphrey, before he can become Serena van der Woodsen’s boyfriend!  And who better to help him chart that path (platonically, I hope!), than the one woman who wants to achieve the exact same thing, for herself?

We know that Dan helped Blair out this week, by letting her know that she was a “Dictator of Taste,” someone who let people know, in no uncertain terms, that “tights are NOT pants” (Nice Season 1 reference, Humphrey!)  This, of course, helped Blair to figure out that she wanted to one day become the Editor (Editrix?) of a Fashion Magazine

But Blair helped Dan too!   She told Serena, that she couldn’t keep stringing her poor dopey dog of a boyfriend on such a short leash, and just expect him to roll over and play dead for her, forever.  And it was this conversation between the two besties, that ultimately allowed Serena to see the sh*tty way she was treating Dan.  Basically, it convinced her to break things off with him now, so the pair could get back together, later.  (Sound familiar?)

In essence, Serena’s breakup with Dan this week, almost perfectly mirrored Chuck’s with Blair, in “The Witches of Bushwick,” in that both pairs needed to find themselves, individually, in the short term, to salvage their relationships, in the long term.  “We either sink or swim.  We won’t get another chance,” Serena tells Dan.  “So, when we try again, we better be ready.”

This brings us to Serena and Chuck.  (YES!  They are related . . . in more ways than one. :))

Like Chuck, Serena has never been exactly what you would call, “ambitious.”  Both Upper East Siders have reputations for being hard partiers, and more than a bit slutty . . . *cough the Raccoon Zombie Sex Incident cough*  Up to this point, both Chuck and Serena have gotten where they are in life, through a mix of good luck, and unadulterated nepotism. 

So, while Chuck needs to break free from Lily, to prove to himself he can run Bass Industries on his own, Serena needs to break free from her mother too, to prove to herself that she’s more than just the van der Woodsen heiress getting wasted on page 6 of the Post, she’s her own Slutty  Person!  So, Chuck and Serena can help one another achieve their goals, in the same way that Dan and Blair can help one another achieve their’s.

And when that’s all said and done (hopefully, in approximately four episodes), . . .

 .  . . everything will be exactly how it’s supposed to be.  (Well, unless you prefer Serena with Nate, like I do.  But we can’t have EVERYTHING we want, can we?)

THE END(GAME)!

And now, for those other storylines I mentioned earlier. . .

Nate’s Dad is The Captain (of a Sinking Ship)

This question is specifically directed to those of you who have spent time in prison.  (Don’t worry, I won’t ask for names!)  Remember when Nate’s dad, “The Captain” looked like THIS?

Well, what the heck HAPPENED to him in the pokey, that he now looks like Uncle Fester, from the Addams Family?

You might have just assumed that the ACTOR (Sam Robards) who plays “The Captain” has merely lost his hair, and put on a few pounds, since we last saw him.  But, really, FOUR YEARS is NOT THAT LONG!  I think the costume department suggested this “new look” for Howard Archibald.  My question is, “Why?” 

I always thought folks in TOUGH High Security Prisons (where “wrongly accused” teachers got other inmates to beat the crap out of you, just to “teach their baby sister a lesson)” did nothing all day, but lift weights, do push ups, run laps around the track, and try not to drop the soap in the communal shower.  But apparently, I was mistaken.  Is prison food really THAT good?  Just saying . . .

So, anyway, The Captain is living with Nate, and has basically become a total leech, and waste of life.  Rather than abide by the conditions of his parole, and get a job, “The Captain” prefers instead to boink the help (who are helpfully clad in French Maid Halloween costumes, just in case we couldn’t figure out what they did for a living), and play Nate’s Wii in his hotel apartment. 

The Captain later tells Nate that this is because he’s “too good” for janitor work.  Nate, understandably doesn’t buy it.

 

And yet, “The Captain” seems to catch a TOTALLY undeserved career break, when the EEEEEVVVILL Russell Thorpe hires him to do . . . well . . .  heck if I KNOW!  Whatever it is, I strongly suspect that “The Captain’s” undoubtedly job description will end up making janitors look like Mother Theresa, by comparison . . .  (I don’t buy for a second, that Russell didn’t know about The Captain’s incarceration, just because he used to live in Chicago, instead of NYC.  Do you?)

Speaking of Bass Industries (and Russell Thorpe) . . .

Upon learning that Lily has designs on selling his company out from under Chuck’s nose, Chuck seeks out the help of a man who used to be business associates with his father, a Chicago Tycoon, named Russell Thorpe.

What Chuck doesn’t know, at least, until the end of the episode, is that Lily was actually selling the business to a benevolent third party, who would keep the Bass name in tact, and prevent the now-financially destitute company from going up on the auction block.  Oh, and that “friend” of Bart Bass, Russell Thorpe?  He actually HATED Chuck’s dad with a passion!  (Who didn’t, right?)  So, of course, upon learning from Chuck that Bass Industries is being sold, Thorpe blocks the sale, so that HE can buy the company at auction price, and sell it for parts, as a form of revenge against the dearly departed (Debarted?) Bart.

How does Chuck respond to this total threat to his financial health, and good name, you ask?  Well, by SCREWING Russell’s daughter, Raina, of course! 

Screwing people, after all, IS what Chuck Bass does best!  (Just ask Blair!)

But Chuck Bass isn’t the only one, who has seemingly misread Lily van der Woodsen’s intentions.   Serena screwed up as well.  With Chuck’s help (and armed with Lily’s Glamour Shots-looking passport) . . .

(Seriously, who’s passport photo actually LOOKS like this?  Mine is so scary looking, it actually breaks MIRRORS, when I leave it to close to them!)

  . . . Serena somehow convinces a clearly BLIND bank manager that she is her 40-something year old mother, and that Chuck is her SON!

Way to keep the storylines plausible, Writers!

This allows Serena and Chuck to go digging through Lily’s safety deposit box at the bank.   And, lo and behold, in there they find the fake affidavit that Lily signed on Serena’s behalf,  to put Juliet’s brother Professor Ben away for a sex act he didn’t commit.  (Actually, Professor Ben may be the ONLY man on the East coast who HASN’T slept with Serena . . .)

Chuck and Serena plan to show this affidavit to the judge who originally signed off on it, and prove to him that it’s a fraud, thereby ensuring Ben’s release.  And yet, the Judge seems to have flown the coop .  . . or has he?  With Little Eric van der Woodsen’s help, Serena learns that the Judge had been staying at the Empire at Lily’s behest, but has now left town.  Could Lily have been paying the judge off, to stay hidden, so that her daughter couldn’t FIND HIM?

THE HORROR!

When Serena confronts Lily with the incriminating affidavit, at the episode’s Fancy Party of the Week, Lily balks at the idea that she has done anything wrong.  And yet the argument, causes a stir among the partygoers, illustrating publicly the unrest that exists between the Bass-van der Woodsen families.  And it is this unrest that Russell Thorpe is ultimately able to capitalize on, when he is making a play for Bass Industries . . .

And yet, as it turns out, Lily ends up not being as BIG of an A**HOLE as we once thought she was!  Because, at the end of the episode, when Serena goes back to the jail to visit Ben, she learns that Judge in question has already released him from jail, thanks to the presumably well-intentioned efforts of Lily, herself.

But, you know, Serena!  This girl is absolutely incapable of ending an episode, without doing something self-destructive and stupid.  And so, she meets up with former-convict Ben (who is creepily waiting for her outside the jail, even though he was released HOURS ago), and invites him for sex coffee.  Need I remind you that this is the same guy who “hired” his baby sister to ruin Serena’s life, not to mention, the same guy who had The Captain ground to a pulp, by his fellow inmates, just to keep that same baby sister in line, when she started to develop a conscience?

Oh, Serena!  You SURE know how to pick ’em! 

Until next time, folks . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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