SERENA: “Happy Character Assassination Day, Chuck!”
CHUCK: “Oh, wow! Today is Character Assassination Day. I totally forgot. Thanks for reminding me. How are you going to spend it, Serena?”
SERENA: “I’m going to pretend to be Blair’s friend to her face, while TOTALLY humiliating her, and ruining her shot at royalty, behind her back . . . all because she had the audacity to share a fake kiss with this guy I dumped . . . even though her and that guy claim they are only friends, and Blair is dating someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT now!”
CHUCK: “Wow. That’s good! I hate you already.”
SERENA: “I know, right? How are YOU going to celebrate?”
CHUCK: “I’m considering getting wasted, pushing Blair into a wall, and punching my hand through a glass window, so glass gets in her cheek, thereby, emotionally and physically scarring her for life!”
SERENA: “Dammit Chuck, you are so much better at this than I am!”
*Sigh* Oh, Chuck Bass! I had such high hopes for you, in the beginning of the episode . . . you with your sexy perpetual 5 o’clock shadow, you’re gravelly “I just ate a pack of cigarettes” voice, and your 3-Day Diet of Bourbon, Self-Pity and Tears!
All you had to do was stay in bed a few more days, and WAIT! Wait for Blair to take pity on your self-destructive soul, and come barging into your apartment, with her tough love, and a heavy duty bottle of disinfectant to get rid of the alcoholic stink. All you had to do was shed a few tears, and milk the Vulnerability Card for a few exta moments, and THIS could have been you again . . .
. . . and THAT would have inevitably led to THIS . . .
The writers You had to go and F*&K UP SO ROYALLY that your fandom is now literally in tatters. Emotional and physical abuse is simply not something even the staunchest Chair Fan can condone.
It’s funny, as a The Vampire Diaries fan, in my recap for THAT show last week, I wondered briefly whether a Delena fan (Damon and Elena) had pissed in the writers’ Cheerios, to cause them take a particularly harsh narrative turn with the male character in that prospective couple. Well, I’m now wondering whether a Chair fan BLEW UP THOSE CHEERIOS WITH AN M-80 to deserve THIS turn of events . . .
“Don’t . . . mess . . . with . . . my . . . Cheerios.”
But . . . ummmm . . . other than that it was a great episode! (See? Trying to stay positive here . . .) On to the recap!
“I’ve Got a Royal Boyfriend, and you DON’T. (Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah)”
BLAIR: “Louis, don’t you think we are taking this whole Relationship Thing a bit too fast? I mean, I really hardly know you. And you haven’t even been signed as a series regular yet.”
LOUIS: (in adorable, but almost incomprehensible, French accent) “Of course, not Claire! I love you, more than life itself. And when you know in your heart you love someone that much, why take things slow?”
BLAIR: “Um . . . my name is BLAIR.”
LOUIS: “Really? Oops.”
After a night spent making out under the romantic lights of papparazzi flashbulbs, Blair and Louis continue their public courtship, by spending their afternoons and evenings doing things that make Blair look more “princess-esque” (like hanging out in sports bars, and acting, as Blair says, “pious”) . . .
“Take that, Kate Middleton!”
They then spend their mornings in bed, being nauseatingly sweet to one another. (Seriously, if I have to hear Blair say, “LOUIIIIIIIIIEEEEE” one more time this season, I think I’m going to throw my stilettos at the television screen!)
Good job, Louis! Kiss her and shut her up!
Roommate Serena grins and bears this. But you can tell from the evil glint in her eye, that she wishes to chop Blair up into tiny bite-sized pieces, for having the GALL to steal her precious spotlight away, for even a single episode.
“I’ll get you My Pretty . . . and your little Guest Star Love Interest TOO! Mwah-ha-ha!”
Later we learn just how far Serena is willing to go to get revenge on Blair, when the EEEEEVVVVILLLL Princess Sophie barges in on one of Louis’ and Blair’s tete-a-tetes to announce that Louis is . . . ALREADY ENGAGED!
“LOUIS! You stop having fun, this INSTANT! Don’t you know royal people are genetically predisposed to never have a good time! Look at me! The last time I smiled I was two-months old. And that was only because I had gas.”
After her outburst, Princess Bitchy calls Serena on the phone to thank her for the tip. FOR SHAME, SERENA!
“So . . . now that I’ve helped you out with your son. Do you think you could set me up with Prince Harry? Now THERE’S a royal who LIKES TO PARTY!”
Princess Sophie Reads Gossip Girl?
Later Louis visits Blair’s house to apologize about the whole “Being Engaged” thing. As it turns out, Princess Sophie wasn’t being entirely honest. You see, Louis isn’t engaged YET, but he has to be engaged BY TOMORROW.
OK . . . so remember how, in Cinderella, the Prince threw a Royal Ball, and invited all the “eligible ladies” in the land, so that he could pick which princess to marry?
Well, apparently, wherever Prince Louis is from (I think they said Monaco?) that ritual is actually not Total Bullsh*t. It REALLY HAPPENS! Go figure!
But Louis doesn’t want any of these Ugly Stepsister So-Called Princesses! He wants Blair! Now, all Blair has to do is convince
her Evil Stepmother Princess Sophie to let her attend the Royal Ball. Once THAT happens, Blair is as good as engaged, herself!
There’s just one problem . . .
As it turns out the
Wicked Witch of the West (Wait . . . wrong story) one Not Particularly Ugly Stepsister has yet ANOTHER trick up her sleeve to sabotage Blair’s Big Day. By the time Blair arrives for her interview with Princess Sophie, the latter already has at her disposal a full printed dossier on Poor Miss Waldorf, care of Gossip Girl and some Biatch Named Serena . . .
“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”
In a surprisingly amusing scene, Princess Sophie proceeds to detail ALL of Blair Waldorf’s best hits from FOUR Seasons Gossip Girl. Some of the highlights include: dating a Lord who was having an affair with his own STEPMOTHER (Not really Blair’s fault.) . . .
. . . having a pregnancy scare (COME ON! Who hasn’t had one of THOSE?), being traded for a hotel (also not exactly her fault) . . .
. . . and dancing at a Burlesque Club . . .
Come on, now! THAT was awesome!
But as Eric van der Woodsen says to Serena, “Only Blair Waldorf can do Blair Waldorf.” So, of course, Blair deftly turns the situation on its head, arguing to Princess Sophie that her lifetime of public humiliation is actually a GOOD THING!
After all, with Gossip Girl systematically pulling all the skeletons out of Blair’s closet, since she was fourteen, at least the Royal Family knows the Queen B has nothing else to hide, right? Or DOES SHE?
Nevertheless, Blair’s eloquent argument impresses Princess Sophie enough to earn her an invitation to the Prince’s Ball. As her date to the event, Blair chooses to invite so-called Bestie Serena, even though the latter, as we know, has been pretty much pooping on Blair’s Joy, throughout the entire episode.
On the surface, Blair’s decision to invite Serena to the Ball seems like the Stupidest Idea Ever. On the other hand, you know what they say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer . . .”
BLAIR: “Is there a knife in my dress?”
SERENA: “Not in the front. Turn around. Let me see the back.”
Speaking of Blonde Sociopaths . . .
Charlie Defeats Vanessa, Fans Cheer (But then become extremely frightened . . )
*sings* “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, hey, hey, hey GOODBYE!”
Did I not call it, about Charlie being a TOTAL WACKADOO? I believe I did! And yet, as much as I don’t like Charlie, I have to give the character at least SOME credit for efficiently disposing of a character I hate EVEN MORE! Of course, I am talking about the sniveling, conniving, yet still surprisingly dull, MANESSA!
Rufus Humphrey, an aging has-been rocker from the early 90’s, knows a thing or two about Creepy Groupies . . . the kind that cut out tufts of your hair, while you are sleeping, and use them to make a DOLL / Sex Toy . . .
“What can I say? Ladies love Rufus H!”
All Rufus has to do is take ONE look at the Overly Eager-to-Please Charlie, and he just knows his son is in for some SERIOUS TROUBLE!
Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall. Humpty Humphrey had a great fall. (Because Charlie pushed him.)
Dan (being Dan) COMPLETELY IGNORES his father’s warnings, and continues dragging Charlie around to all his classes, like his personal pet. But when Charlie, after spending an HOUR gushing over how FASCINATING Dan’s life is (OK, now we KNOW she’s nuts!), plants a big wet kiss on him, it finally occurs to Humphrey that he’s got a potential Fatal Attraction on his hands . . .
Charlie . . . in about 20 years.
But before Dan can have the “We can never be more than friends, because I think you are a psychotic raving lunatic,” talk with Charlie, someone ELSE intercepts her first . . .
Apparently, Manessa is leaving
the show NYC to go “study abroad for a semester.” (WAIT . . . does that mean she’s ACTUALLY GONE?)
But before she goes, she wants to “make sure Dan is safe.” (OK . . . seriously, Vanessa? The only person Dan needs protection from is YOU
and, maybe, Georgina Sparks . . . and, of course, Charlie.) So, Vanessa finds Charlie at the bookstore, reading what can only be described as a Stalkers’ Handbook . . .
. . . and offers to help her win Dan’s heart, so that Serena and Blair can’t.
When Dan does have “the talk” with Charlie, she plays it cool, claiming that she knows Dan’s still hung up on the other regular cast members of the show, and, therefore, “only likes him as a friend.” (Famous last words, right?)
“Friends can still f*&k, right?”
Dopey Dan is dimwitted enough to buy this, and invites Charlie to some “low-key” dinner party thing, that Rufus is throwing for a band that he hopes to work for as a producer. OH . . . did I mention that Rufus, Perpetual House Boy / Ass Wiper of Lily is actually trying to get a JOB!
Honestly, that is the most shocking thing that happened in this episode.
Charlie offers to bake homemade pizzas for the dinner. But when it comes time for the event, she has decked out the Humphrey’s Brooklyn Apartment like P Diddy’s White Party, and it’s SO NOT ROCKER CHIC APPROPRIATE for Rufus’ early 20-something rockers / potential employers . . .
“I was just going to order in McDonalds.”
Rufus politely excuses himself to take the band elsewhere. Then Charlie starts boo hooing about how Vanessa told her to cater in the event, and was clearly trying to sabotage her, because she knew Charlie
not-so secretly had a THANG for Dan. Ever the sucker for a wounded puppy, Dan offers to tote Charlie along on her first Upper East Side Showdown. But “brave” Charlie wants to do this one ALONE.
“I’m going to go eat Vanessa’s insides now, and wear her ribcage as a hat. But I’ll be back later, so we can play Jenga.”
As it turns out, VANESSA actually gave Charlie GOOD ADVICE (Who’d have thought?) as to how to impress Rufus’ prospective clients. But Charlie (who clearly watches Gossip Girl) knew how easy it was to make people DESPISE Vanessa, and decided to use that information to make Dan feel sorry for her. And we ALL KNOW that Dan only screws those people he feels sorry for . . .
Case in point . . .
Well, played Lunatic Charlie! You’ve successfully disposed of Manessa, and are now well on your way to becoming Juliet 2.0 . . . Bravo!
Now, all you need is a Boring Brother in Jail, who has the hots for Serena . . .
Oh, by the way, Rufus got the JOB . . .
. . . (not that anyone really cares).
Speaking of stories nobody really cares about . . .
Raina the Complain-a
“Why aren’t you interested in MY storyline, dammit? BE INTERESTED
(or, I assure you, the writers will draw it out for an ENTIRE SEASON, as punishment).”
So, Raina is still searching for intel on her Mama. And Nate, out of loyalty to Chuck, is still subtly trying to convince her to stop her search. Raina reads Nate’s attitude as being “not supportive,” and begins withholding sex from Nate as a result. And we all know how much Nate LOVES sex . . . (Hint: He loves it almost as much as he loves the movie The Sound of Music.)
So, Nate’s been pressuring a perpetually Drunk Chuck to come clean to Raina about what his dad may, or may not, have done. But Chuck doesn’t want to talk to Raina. He’d much prefer to
have sex with Blair drown his sorrows in booze, and contemplate giving up showering and shaving for Lent . . .
“If you wrung out my liver, there would probably be enough booze in their to serve an entire Irish Pub on St. Patty’s Day.”
Things go from bad to worse, when the P.I. Chuck hired to look into Raina’s mom’s death “miraculously” discovers a letter in Bart’s papers from the elder Mrs. Thorpe that says, “You know how much you mean to me, but I can’t do this anymore.”
Chuck, and everyone else on the show, immediately assumes that this letter somehow implicates Bart in Avery’s death, since it seems to indicate that they had an affair. But, honestly, that’s just BULLSH*T! That vague letter could have meant about 80 different things. It could mean that Raina’s mom committed suicide. It could mean that RUSSELL THORPE learned of the affair, and arranged to have his wife killed. It could mean that Bart and Avery plotted to burn down the hotel for the insurance money, but Avery was having second thoughts, and was too late in trying to stop the fire.
I mean, COME ON, CHUCK BASS! Of all people, I’d expect YOU to be a bit more creative here . . .
BLAIR would never jump to conclusions like this. . .
Anywhoo . . . Nate has this Big Ole Confrontation with Chuck, about how he has to tell Raina the truth, and blah, blah, blah. Then he proceeds to add insult to injury, by telling Chuck ALL ABOUT Blair’s upcoming attendance at the Prince’s Ball. As if that wasn’t bad enough, when Chuck tells Nate that “no one understands what [he and Blair] have, Nate replies that what they have is “not normal,” and that Blair is “better off with the French GUY!”
“You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to an ass-kicking, BOY!”
Nate then runs and tells Raina everything told Chuck told him, which causes Raina to basically go APESH*T on Nate’s ass . . .
“Is this because you’re on your period?”
Like a petulant four-year old in need of a nap, Raina stamps her foot a few times, and issues Nate an ultimatum: “ME or CHUCK!”
So, Nate leaves . . . (Wouldn’t you?)
Meanwhile, Chuck puts on a new suit, shaves, and hops into a limo, an Engagement Ring in hand. He is headed to the Prince’s Ball, determined to win back his Queen B . . .
Of course, this would be a WHOLE lot more promising and romantic for us Chair fans, if Chuck wasn’t so OBVIOUSLY in Drunk and Destructive Bass Mode . . .
You Peed on My Fairytale!
“Psst . . . Dorota, you don’t have to feed me my lines like this. That’s what the teleprompter is for.”
After running through some Information about Royal People Flashcards with Dorota, and receiving a very expensive (but oddly Tinkerbell-esque) ballgown from Louis . . .
. . . Blair heads to the ball with a Traitorous Serena, by her side . . .
“Try not to trip on the trail of banana peels I keep dropping in front of your feet, M-Kay?”
At least, initially, Blair is the Belle of the Ball, wowing the crowd with her beauty, social graces, and ridiculous amounts of Flashcard-Memorized Royal Knowledge . . .
“How’s your great-great-great-great Grandfather, King Charles III doing . . . Still dead? So, sorry to hear about that.”
Watching Blair happily traverse the crowd, and hearing Louis gush over how wonderful she is, Serena begins to feel a bit guilty about being such a Heinous Poopyhead to her so-called friend the entire episode. And it is for this reason, that when Drunk Chuck crashes the party, Serena tries in vain to stop him. But Chuck will NOT be stopped. He approaches Princess Sophie first, hitting on her, shamelessly, and announcing himself as “Chuck Bass . . . the love of [Blair’s] life.”
Chuck then takes things one step further, noting that Marie Antoinette was always Blair’s favorite role to play, but that HE was always the one eating her cake . . .
Oh, yeah! They went there!
Chuck then drunkenly confronts Blair, and makes a TOTAL scene in front of all the royals, knocking over a tray of food in his wake. Security ends up having to drag him out of the party. A tearful Blair makes a heartfelt apology to the Royals (“I’m so ashamed and sorry, my friends and I caused any trouble”) before dashing out of the party herself.
Princess Sophie is NOT amused, “End it now,” she stage whispers in Louis’ ear . . .
“It’s strange but I suddenly find myself very in the mood for pie.”
A Decent Proposal
“Where’s my glass slipper, dammit? Engagement rings are SO this century!”
Back at the apartment, Blair confides her humiliation over recent events to Serena, who makes the Total Bad Friend move (kind of like she’s been doing all episode), by basically telling Blair that what happened was no big deal, because she’s going to end up with Chuck, anyway.
Well, look who finally decided to become a Chair Fan . . .
Blair then FINALLY confronts Serena about her many attempts to sabotage Blair’s chance at royalty. The Wounded Queen B claims that this is the first time in a long time that she is truly happy with her life. She notes that Louis makes her feel things she had only felt before with Chuck.
Little does Blair know that SOMEONE is listening in on her conversation . . .
Later, Louis confronts Blair and tells her that he wants her to experience joy in her life. He never thought he would be able to marry for love. And now he can
marry a total and complete stranger! Louis knows all that Blair gave up to be with him. And he is willing to give up the crown to be with her. (Really? Because I wouldn’t.)
So, he gets on his knee and proposes. But, before Blair can give Louis his answer, she has someone she needs to see . . .
Everything Turns to Crap . . .
“Sorry, I ruined your shot at being a princess,” slurs Chuck, when Blair comes to visit him at his apartment. “I need you like I’ve never needed you before,” he pleads. “The only thing that’s ever been real is me and you. That’s why you came back to me.”
Blair hugs Chuck affectionately, and uses this moment to tell him about the proposal. It’s as if a part of her wants Chuck to convince her to say no. But Chuck is too drunk, and depressed, to reason properly. And every word he utters to her is strictly possessive in its implications. Nowhere in Chuck’s monologue does he reference BLAIR’S feelings, what SHE wants, or even what he loves about HER. “You’re mine,” he say decisively.
“I wanted to be,” Blair admits sadly.
“You’ll never be with anyone else but me. The only thing that is real to me is you.”
There’s a need and insistence in Chuck’s words that is heart-wrenching in its desperation, moving in its intensity, and yet, somewhat disappointing, in its abject selfishness. Fans of Chuck Bass know that he DOES care about Blair, that he HAS sacrificed for her, that he WOULD do anything for her. But that’s not what’s coming across in this scene. All we see in Chuck is FEAR: the fear of losing the one thing in his life that makes sense, when everything else seems to be falling apart.
And that’s what causes Chuck to lash out, pushing Blair against a wall. And when she struggles out of his grasp, he punches a windowpane, injuring his own hand, and causing glass and debris to fly everywhere. Tragically, Blair does not make it out of this unscathed . . .
As a scarred Blair rushes from the apartment, crying and clutching her face, Nate looks on in disgust, which makes me wonder how long exactly he’s been standing there, like a dope, doing nothing.
(WHYDIDN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING, NATE? WHAT’ THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?)
“Hi, is this Losers’ Anonymous? My name is Nate.”
Immediately, after watching Chuck RETROACTIVELY RUIN ONE OF THE BEST ROMANCES ON TELEVISION (Though, it must be said, Ed Westwick’s acting was both HORRIFYING and CAPTIVATING in that scene, as was Leighton Meester’s.), Nate calls Raina to tell her that she is his Consolation Prize. “I choose you,” he tells her answering machine. (How romantic!)
But Raina is already on the phone with someone else . . . JACK BASS.
Here we go again . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Blair literally close the door on Serena’s friendship (Serves that b*tch right!). She then calls her mother to give her the good(?) news. Blair has decided to accept Louis’ proposal. She is engaged to be married . . . to a Real Prince . . .
For me, “The Princesses and the Frog” was a True Contradiction. I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed (by amazing acting, and a gripping storyline), and yet, at the same time, as thoroughly disappointed (by the seemingly deliberate SHIP and character assassination) by an episode, in my entire life. But enough about me. I want to know about YOU!
Is Louis starting to grow on you, like he is on Dorota? How long before Charlie starts burning bunnies, and coming at Dan with a butcher’s knife? Are you as THRILLED to see Vanessa go, as I am? And, perhaps, most importantly, has the CHAIR ship sailed for you? Or do you still believe this fairytale can have a happy ending?
Until next time . . . XOXO.