Tag Archives: Dorota

Adventures in REALLY Bad Parenting – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Townie”

“OK . . . when MY family looks like the most functional one on the show . . . something is VERY wrong.”

Remember, back in the old days, of television teen dramas, when parents were seen, and not heard?

“Jim, it’s 9:53 p.m.  Time to sit on Brandon’s bed, and teach him the Moral of the Episode.”

I mean, sure.  They had their own lives.  Sometimes, they even had their own usually boring storylines!  But, aside from giving the kids their regularly scheduled groundings, and offering some “sage advice” toward the end of the episode, when it came to teen dramas, TV Parents’ and TV Kids’ lives rarely intertwined. 

Well, boys and girls, those days are over.  It’s 2010 (almost 2011).  And, that means your TV Parents can ruin your lives, just as easily as your ex-boyfriends and frenemies can . . .

Be afraid . . . be very afraid.

Let’s recap, shall we?

A Very Dair Roadtrip

“So, this is what Middle Class Suburbs look like!  I’ve read about them in books, but didn’t believe they actually existed.”

When we last left Blair, she had just found herself an unlikely co-star to act alongside of her in The Rescue Serena Saga, Part 542.  That ally was . . . wait for it . . . Dan.

“Yeah, I’m as confused as you are.”

The first stop on the pair’s Random Couple World Tour was the Ostroff Center, where Serena had voluntarily committed herself for a drug binge she didn’t commit . . . well . . . at least not on purpose.  The two hope to spring Serena from the pokey, so that the three of them can work together to bring Juliet down for drugging “S,” and making her look like the female version of Charlie Sheen . . .

S and CS:  Separated at birth?

Blair and Dan are shocked to learn that Serena isn’t accepting ANY visitors at the center for 72 hours, not even best friends, or sort-of boyfriends (who she feigns deep attraction for, when the script requires it).  And so, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang’s resident Daphne and Velma . . .

Bet you can’t guess which one I think is Velma! 😉

 . . . decide to bring down Juliet, all by their lonesome.  But where can she be? 

In a moment of stupefying plot convenience, Blair and Dan turn directly to THE Gossip Girl for help.  And, because:

 (1) without the Upper East Side Scooby Gang, Gossip Girl wouldn’t have her SAG card;

(2) Gossip Girl hates Juliet as much as the fans do, ever since that biatch hooked up with Dullnessa and the Raccoon Zombie; and

(3) in addition to her vast network of snoopers around NYC, the Hamptons, and Paris, Gossip Girl also, apparently, is friends with some random Mail Guy in suburban Connecticut . . .

 . . . the show’s narrator quickly responds to Dan’s inquiry with Juliet’s current location, as well as a special request: “Find the b*tch!”

No one messes with Veronica Mars Gossip Girl, and lives to tell the tale . . .

So, off Blair and Dan head on their first official roadtrip together.  While en route to Connecticut, the unlikely pair bicker like an old married couple (and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way) . . .

Sexy!

Blair acts like the quintessential backseat driver, cleverly noting that, if she put her feet through the floor of Dan’s ancient car, and started running, they would arrive at their destination faster than with Dan’s turtle-esque driving . . .

Yabba, Dabba, Don’t!

Dan responds back that at least he knows how to drive, which is more than can be said for Blair.

Why drive yourself, when you can take a limo AND get laid at the same time?

Blair also astutely notes that Lonely Boy — a supposed “Brilliant Writer” — hasn’t exactly been Mr. Prolific Novelist of late, having spent all his spare time pining over Serena and Dullnessa and/or screwing  playing video games with his Ambiguously Gay Duo partner, Nate. 

Even I must admit that the fact that Blair, in her snide way, encourages Dan to nurture his passion for writing (something NOBODY else on this show, not even his parents, has cared enough to do yet), supports their compatibility as friends.  I repeat . . . FRIENDS!  (Can’t anybody have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex on this show, anymore?)

Yeah  . . . you and the Raccoon Zombie don’t really count because she’s not really human.  Sorry, Buddy! 

Drugs = BAD!  Drug Dealing Damien = GOOD!

When Blair and Dan arrive at Juliet’s last known whereabouts, they are SHOCKED to walk into a HOUSE PARTY, where teens wear NON-DESIGNER CLOTHES . . . and listen to NELLY . . . and play POOL . . . and smoke GANJA . . . and drink CHEAP BEER.

SHE HAS A PIERCING!  OH, THE HORROR!

“We’re not in the Upper East Side anymore, Toto.”

 Although Blair and Dan are unable to locate Juliet at the party, they do find someone WAY BETTER (at least, in my opinion).

It’s Drug Dealing Damien!  Or, as I like to call him, Triple D-light!

You might remember Damien from his guest-starring role in The Only Storyline Where Raccoon Zombie was Mildly Likeable and/or Interesting.  Blair and Dan approach Damien, and the threesome decide to take a little stroll outside . . .  (Was I the only one who was kind of hoping they’d all smoke some weed together?  If any two people on this show need to loosen up, its Dan and Blair.)

“I beg to differ, TV Recapper.  Blair can be VERY loose, when she wants to be . . .”

Anyway  . . .

Through Damien (and some very goofy flashbacks) we learn that when Serena left town, after screwing Nate and accidentally sort of killing that Pete Guy, she briefly attended the Nightly School (Now, if that’s not a school name straight out of a porno, I don’t know what is), when Triple D-light was also matriculating there.  Apparently, before Drug Dealing Damien dropped out of school, and became the cool badass Jared Leto-lookalike he is now . . .

 . . . he was a surprisingly geeky Troy Bolton from High School Musical type (a.k.a. Zac Efron) . . .

Seriously, I can’t tell them apart!

 . . . who used to pine over Serena, and do her homework for her, while she drank absinthe, and badly danced around her dorm, like a hippy on LSD, or the lead in a straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge . . .

Unfortunately, I was unable to locate a GIF of Serena dancing like a drugged out dork, from this week’s episode.  So, just imagine her doing exactly what she’s doing in the GIF above . . . only BY HERSELF!

Absinthe:  Making people dance like drugged out dorks, since WAY before anyone from the cast of Gossip Girl was born!

In addition to knowing Serena in her pre – Gossip Girl days, Damien also knew Juliet, who was, as Damien described her, a Townie.  When Damien last saw Juliet, she made a MAJOR drug purchase from him — one which included some hardcore rufies.  Damien seems SHOCKED to learn that Juliet bought the drugs to gaslight, and almost, kill Serena. 

“I thought she was just throwing a party,” exclaims Damien.  (Ummmm . . . a Rufie Party?  Nice try, Damien.) 

If you weren’t so gosh darn attractive, I’d totally hate you, right now. 

Nevertheless, Damien seems genuinely concerned with Serena’s welfare.  In fact, Triple D-light feels guilty enough about his part in what happened to his former luuuuve, that he agrees to help Blair and Dan locate Juliet’s house.  As the threesome pile into Dan’s Clown Car, Juliet spots them, and hides under her steering wheel, like the cowardly b*tch she is.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

Once they are safely out of sight, Juliet calls Jailhouse Ben, and tells him that she plans to return to NYC to “finish this herself.”  Ben, who was the same psychopath who GOT NATE’S DAD BEAT UP IN PRISON, JUST SO JULIET WOULDN”T SLEEP WITH NATE (Seriously, writers, what were you thinking when you wrote that scene?), once again, has a crisis of conscience.  He warns Juliet not to hurt Serena AGAIN.  And then, when his baby sister hangs up on his ass  . . .

“You HUNG UP ON ME, Lil Sis?  Oh, I am so pulling your hair and giving you a wedgie, when I get home!”

 .  . . Ben yells to Nate (who has conveniently entered the jail to see his father, at that EXACT moment) that he has to go protect Serena from Juliet.  Unfortunately, Nate is genetically incapable of doing anything on his own . . .

“Individuality is HARD!  Where’s the other half of my Ambiguously Gay Duo when I need him?”

And, therefore, puts in a call to Dan and Blair, at Juliet’s house . . . so that they can change his diaper do the dirty work for him. 

Meanwhile . . .

The Scooby Gang Makes a Discovery . . .

“Don’t hate me, because I spawned Juliet.  It could have been worse.  I could have spawned Raccoon Zombie.”

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

 Moments after Dair and Triple D-light arrive at La Casa de Juliet, Juliet’s mom inexplicably, and conveniently, drops a bombshell on them.  As it turns out, Juliet’s brother Ben, who’s last name is “Donovan” taught at the Nightly School.  Then, he was fired and incarcerated for engaging in sexual relations with a young student named . . . you guessed it . . . Serena van der Woodsen.

DUH! SURPRISE!

I smell a flashback coming on . . .

Serena and Teacher Sitting in a Tree, F-U-C . . . (Well . . . you know the rest.)

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Apparently, four years ago, Serena was the same slutty, hard-drinking, lousy student that she is today.  And yet, also like today (well, more like yesterday, or last week, or whenever those Professor Hotpants Colin episodes aired) . . .

Just refreshing your memory . . .

 . . . Serena soon found a reason to reform and become a “good girl.”  That reason was that she was Hot for Teacher.  And that teacher was Professor Hotpants Colin Mr. Donovan.  Suddenly, Serena and Ben were spending A LOT of time together, talking about books, and frolicking in the rain.

But things went south fast, when Mr. Donovan and Serena entered a hotel to seek shelter from the rain one night, and Serena propositioned Ben to get a room with her.  Ben, more or less, admitted that he shared Serena’s romantic feelings, but did not want to cross the line with her, due to her student status.  In a chat with her therapist at the Ostroff Center, Serena admits that this was her FIRST (and, possibly, only) romantic rejection EVER.  (Must be nice.)  After the encounter, Mr. Donovan and Serena basically broke contact with one another. 

So, basically, Ben and Serena never SCREWED.  And yet, Ben Donovan ended up in jail . . . with his crazy sister plotting revenge on his behalf.  Why?

Evil has a new name: Mom

Back in the Upper East Side, Juliet has magically beamed herself from Connecticut to New York in a matter of SECONDS!  She’s also instantly appeared in the bedroom of Serena’s high security rehab center.  (Juliet is clearly a vampire, ghost, or an extra from the cast of Star Trek.)  When Serena returns to her room, after her therapy session, and finds Juliet there, I get REALLY excited about the AWESOME Cat Fight, I just KNOW is going to break out. 

Then, I remember this is SERENA, and not Blair . . .

So, of course, nothing fun happens.  Juliet explains to Serena how, four years ago, a lawyer showed Ben an affidavit, supposedly signed by then-minor Serena, stating that Teacher Ben crossed state lines, and “statutorily raped” her. 

Serena’s “family” didn’t want news of the occurrence in the papers, so they struck a deal with Ben’s attorney.  Ben would get minimal jailtime, if he didn’t contest the charge.  He also wouldn’t appear on the Child Sex Offender Registry.  (You’ve got to love Gossip Girl writers, and their COMPLETE lack of knowledge, regarding anything relating the legal system.)  So, now, Ben is in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, and Juliet is out for revenge.  But, who signed Serena’s name on the affidavit, if not Serena, herself?

*Insert scary music here*

By the time Blair, Dan, and Drug Dealing Damien arrive back at the Upper East Side, Serena is home and hanging out, bizarrely enough, with Juliet, who she invites to her mother’s Snooty Party.

Ummmm, Serena.  What the heck is wrong with you?  Have you even watched this past season of Gossip Girl?  Do you have any idea how much crap this evil biatch has done to you?

And yet, Serena is determined to confront her mother, about what she did to Ben, and by extension, to Serena.  So, the crew heads down to the party.  There, they encounter Eric, who hilariously confronts Drug Dealing Damien for the first time since that whole “Make Jenny into a Drug Dealer” Incident.

“Are you looking for another virgin to be your drug mule?”  Eric asks Triple D-light conversationally.

“I was going to say, ‘Why?  Are YOU available?’ but I won’t, because I’m leaving,” snarks Damien, before exiting stage left. 

(Man, I love that guy!)

Serena confronts her mother, and tries to talk to her privately about the Statutory Rape Affidavit.  But Lily blows her off, trying desperately to keep up the appearance that she comes from a loving and happy family.  So, Serena gets her mother’s attention the only way she knows how, by publicly humiliating her. 

Then, the entire Non Judging Breakfast Club (and Juliet and Rufus) confront Lily about what she has done.  B*tchface has NO QUALMS whatsoever about admitting that she brought charges against Ben — based on rumor alone — so that the private schools back in NYC would take pity on Serena, despite her crap grades and generalized sluttiness.

“This is incredibly stressful for me.  I need a drink.  Anyone got some absinthe?”

At this point, everyone is looking at Lily, as though, they want to tie her to a chair and force her to watch weeks and weeks of  Jersey Shore marathons on television.  And yet, Lily finds an unlikely ally in, who else, but THE Chuck Bass . . .

“I RULE!”

Chuck (stupidly) argues that it is TOTALLY OK that Lily sent an innocent man to prison, so her daughter can get into private school, because, “Everyone does things to protect the people they love.”

“Watch Chuck wear protection, while inside the woman he loves.”

But then RUFUS, of all people, pops Chuck’s “I Heart Lily” bubble, by spilling the beans that his Darling Wife plans to sell The Empire Hotel out from right under Chuck’s nose!

This is despite the fact that Chuck DEEDED the Hotel to Lily TEMPORARILY because she was “family,” and he TRUSTED her to manage it, during the short time in which he was unable to do so.  Chuck, of course, is disgusted.  Rufus is disgusted.  Everyone is disgusted.  (That’s a lot of disgust for single scene!)

As for Juliet, she agrees to leave Serena alone, after “S” promises to get her brother out of jail.

SAYONARA, SUCKA!

Cut to . . .

ONE WEEK LATER  .  . .

It is during these last few moments of the episode, when the most shocking events of the hour occur . ..

(1) The Non Judging Breakfast Club COOKS a CHRISTMAS DINNER, WITHOUT MAIDS . . . or DOROTA!

“Prepare for the end.  The apocalypse has clearly arrived.”

(2) To take the Empire back from Lily, Chuck decides to form an alliance with . . . JACK BASS!

“I’m BAAAAACK!”

(By the way, before Chuck left the dinner, he said what, in my opinion, was the funniest line of the ENTIRE episode, “Goodbye Friends . . . and Dan.”)

Apparently, Blair thought it was funny too . . .

(3) Serena visited the Much-Less-Creepy-Than-We-Originally-Thought (except for the whole Getting Nate’s Dad Beat Up Thing) Ben.  She did so by herself, after Dan turned down her roadtrip invitation (which, in and of itself, is kind of shocking, when you think about it).

“Rejected twice in a single episode.  Oh, the humanity!”

(4) Nate made the HUGE mistake of allowing his drug addict felon father move in with him, upon being released from jail.

Yeah, that’s not going to end well . . .

And, finally . . . the most SHOCKING of all . . .

(5) Dan and Blair admit that they have the same taste in DOCUMENTARIES!

They also WASH DISHES . . . BY HAND . . . TOGETHER!

“You’re telling me that Blair knows how to wash dishes?  BULLSH*T!”

Is there nothing sacred in the Upper East Side, anymore?

And, since, there won’t be any new Gossip Girl episodes until January 24th . . .

We feel your pain, Blair!

 . . . and since this episode was all about flashbacks, I invite you to take a trip down Memory Lane — and whet your whistle for next year’s Gossip Girl episodes — by watching this very well-done fan video (created by theunwrittenpast), which features memorable clips from the show’s groundbreaking first season . . .

Until next year . . . xoxo!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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“S” is for Sucks to be YOU, Serena – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Gaslit”

Well, Serena.  The bad news is that you’ve been framed from a drug overdose you didn’t cause, and made to look like a Total F*&k Up, in front of all of “Manhattan’s Elite.”  The good news is you look ADORABLE in your News Snapshot.

Those of you who have read my Gossip Girl recaps before, know that I have a HUGE Major Mondo Intense Mildly Annoying  slight bias for the wonderous, made-to-be-together, TV Couple that is CHAIR . . .

Given that bias, you can probably imagine that this GG installment, which was most definitely Chair light, and “Serena and Parents” heavy, does not rank as one of my favorites, for this season.  And yet . . .  there were a few things that definitely endeared this episode to me.  They included:

(1) The Raccoon Zombie’s banishment to a trash can far, far, away (possibly, for good, this time?)

Not in MY trashcan, B$tch!  You get your own!”

2) Snoozenessa, upon being discovered for the massive FRAUD she is, crying wee, wee, wee, wee, ALL THE WAY BACK TO BROOKLYN, where she belongs . . .

3) Blair’s and Dan’s discovery that Serena is actually NOT quite the Hot Mess that Juliet and the Triumverate of Evil made her out to be.  In fact, by the end of this episode,  MOST of the “Non Judging Breakfast Club” is “non-judging,” once again.  *glares and points accusatorily at a Still VERY Judgy Nate*

“Hey, don’t blame, ME!  I’m still mad about that time Serena almost gave me a venereal disease!  Oh . . . wait .  . . you mean that wasn’t real either?”

4) Despite the show’s writers TRYING desperately to prove otherwise, it is still VERY obvious to most of us fans that Chuck and Blair have NOT, I repeat NOT, lost “That Loving Feeling.”

Dear CB Sex: 

We miss you!  We’ll see you real SOON!

Love,

Chair Fans

 

But enough of that.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

“HELP!  I’ve fallen off the wagon, and I CAN’T GET UP!”

“Ugh!  These sheets are DEFINITELY less than 400-thread count.  WTF!”

 When we last left Poor Serena, she was rufied, tossed in a cab by the EEEVVVIL Psycho Stalker Juliet, and shipped off to a cheap motel in Queens.  It is there that Serena wakes up in the opening scenes of this episode — wasted and reeking of booze, with a stomach filled with pills, and a nose raw from possible inhalation of The White Stuff.  In other words,  she’s going through exactly what I am forced to endure every Sunday morning.  JUST KIDDING! 🙂

Blitzed as she may be, Serena, fortunately, still has enough sense to pick up the phone, and dial 911 for help. 

“I don’t know where I am or how I got here,” Serena cries, her voice hoarse and words slurred from intoxication.

Off camera, Serena’s call is presumably traced by the Good Folks over at 911.  She is then picked up by ambulance, and carted off to a nearby hospital.

 All of this goes down completely unbeknownst to the rest of the GG cast, who are still pissed as hell at Serena for all the crap they THINK she pulled during last week’s episode (i.e. kissing BOTH Dan and Nate, very publicly exposing Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, applying for a job Blair wanted, and dropping out of Columbia, via text message).  The rest of the Upper East Siders would much prefer to completely forget about Serena, and gorge themselves on turkey, pie, and expensive Thanksgiving wine.

As for Blair, she plans to spend Turkey Day in Paris, with her adorable gay dad, and his adorable gay boyfriend (remember them?). 

Ahh . . . memories.

(By the way, did anyone else ever wonder why Blair spent the WHOLE SUMMER in Paris, and never once mentioned visiting her dad?  Or, did I miss something . . .)

Knowing full well, that Blair’s impromptu vacation was nothing more than Queen B’s way of running away from her Chuck and Serena Problems, Dorota has other plans for her Boss / Surrogate Daughter.

Dorota = TOTAL Chair fan.  No wonder I love her so much!

Appealing to Blair’s sense of decorum and tradition, Dorota bakes a pie for the van der Woodsen’s and subtly suggests that Blair bring it to their home, in lieu of attending their Thanksgiving dinner, as she has every Thanksgiving, since Season 1 of Gossip Girl (at least, I think).  So, of course, when Blair arrives at La Casa de VDW cake in hand, who’s there, but Chuck Bass, himself!

The sexual tension / romantic chemistry between Chuck and Blair is palpable (as always) — so much so, that Chuck gallantly offers to leave La Casa de VDW, so that Blair can pretend to eat turkey in peace.  Blair declines the offer, however, assuring Chuck that it is important that they get used to running into one another now, as it is bound to happen at least once an episode.  (At least, we can HOPE!)

This Barely Concealed Chair Lovefest is interrupted, by the entrance of Mama VDW, who, quite honestly, seems annoyed by the presence of  Serena’s friends in her home.

“Here, I am — one of the richest women in Manhattan, and I don’t have ANY friends my age, aside from Rufus Doofus.  My life officially sucks!  Bring back Billy Baldwin, please.”

Things get increasingly more intense when Blair asks to see Serena, and Lily has no clue where she is (Mother of the Year — that one!).  As it turns out, Lily thought Serena was with with Blair .  . .or Chuck . . . or maybe the Dalai Lama, who can keep track, anymore?  Now that she knows her daughter is not with any of the aforementioned people, Lily FINALLY starts to worry about her daughter’s safety. 

Cue the phone call to the VDW household, announcing that Serena is in the hospital, suffering from a possible drug overdose.  Calls are made to the entire GG cast (except for Nate, who, unfortunately, got stuck with the Bad B Plotline, this week).  Everyone else rushes to the hospital to be with Serena.

“They tried to make me go to Rehab, and I said, NO!  NO!  NO!”

At the hospital, the doctor informs the VDW clan that Serena’s condition is stable.  However, she was on some serious anti-depressants when she came to the hospital, and may very well have tried to commit suicide.  Conveniently, at that very moment, Breaking News on the television screen above the cast’s heads announces Serena’s “Tragic OD”  to THE WORLD.  Knowing that the family can’t stay at the hospital, or go home, without being hounded by the media, the doctor “kindly” suggests having Serena involuntarily admitted to the same Rehab Center where little Eric got un-suicidal himself, during Season 1.

“You mean, back when I had an actual plotline to MYSELF?  Ahhh . .  . memories!”

Quick to think the worst of Serena, most of the family is totally on board with having Serena committed, except for Dan who still luuuuuuuuuuuuves her, even after she purportedly screwed him over, by macking on his studmuffin Nate, at the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball, last week.

Hey.  I’ve heard about those rehab places.  There are NO CONJUGAL VISITS!  If Serena gets admitted there, I’ll NEVER get laid!  EVER!  Except, maybe by Vanessa.  But we all know she doesn’t count.

And yet, despite Dan’s protests, a very pissed off Serena is admitted into rehab against her will.  So, Unlikely Superhero Dan comes to Serena’s rescue, by helping her make a JAILBREAK!

The only problem is that Dan is not smart enough to come up with a good hiding place for Serena.  So, of course, he takes her to the FIRST place everyone will think to look for them — HIS APARTMENT.  *facepalm*  Granted, Dan claimed they were “just packing for a vacation there,” but, seriously, THESE TWO ARE RICH!  It’s not like Good Ole’ “Bonnie and Clyde” here couldn’t afford to stop at the mall, en route, and pick up clothes there!

Fortunately, for Dan, Serena’s not quite bright enough to see this for the DUMB idea it is.  So, she awards Dan for his bravery, with a quick smooch . . .

She also admits to Not-So-LonelyBoy, that he was, in fact, the one Serena was GOING to choose to be with at the Saints and Sinner’s ball (NOT NATE?), had the Triumverate of Evil not gone and royally f*cked things up.

Meanwhile . . .

Rats and Raccoon Zombies Invade Manhattan –  Pest Control is on standby!

When Rufus Doofus calls his Rodent Daughter to inform her of Serena’s hospitalization, the wench FINALLY sprouts a conscience.  So, Little J immediatley heads back to the city, to tell Juliet that the Triumverate of Evil MUST come clean about their recent dastardly deeds.  Juliet balks at the idea, arguing that Serena might actually REALLY NEED REHAB.   So, why put a stop to a good thing?  The same lame excuse is trotted out to Vanessa, when she confronts Juliet about what happened to Serena.

By the time Jenny arrives at the hospital, Vanessa has already ratted HER, and HER ALONE, out to Rufus the Doofus, conveniently leaving her own part in the revenge plot out of the tale, as well as Juliet’s.  And, while it is always great to see Jenny get chewed out by her dad, of course, this particular chewing out INTERRUPTED Chuck’s and Blair’s sweet moment together at the hospital, and, therefore, ROYALLY SUCKED!

It’s ALWAYS Jenny’s FAULT!  Damn Raccoon Zombie!

Blair was just about to tell Chuck how great it was to have his support during all this Serena Drama, and how, maybe, nothing needs to change between them after all . . .  More Sex, More Sex, More Sex! . . . when The Pestilence arrives and RUINS EVERYTHING!

Outside the hospital, Rufus chews out Jenny for being such a Freakish Brat.  Little J then tearfully promises to leave Manhattan for the 85,000th time.  (She just seems to keep returning . . . like weeds, or roaches, or a bad rash . . .)  However, for now at least, Jenny really does plan to leave the City for good.  She just has to make one quick pitstop first . . .

Back at Dan’s Place . . .

Puff the Magic Dragon, lived up Serena’s nose

Due to their Lame Hiding Spot, Ma and Pa VDW-Humphrey, along with Blair, find the “happy couple” at Dan’s apartment, before Dan even has time to cop a feel at Serena’s boobies.  While Dan (rightfully) calls Lily out on what a crap mother she has been to Serena, all these years (Did I forget to mention that Lily is paying off Serena’s enemy, Juliet, MONTHLY to keep her quiet about Serena’s supposed past?) Blair goes to talk to the Hot Mess herself, and try to convince her to go back to rehab.

At that moment, a GG blast conveniently produces obviously doctored pictures of a masked Serena-looking person snorting enough White Stuff to build a snowman in her nostrils.   This was actually a pretty brilliant move on EEEEVILL Juliet’s part.  Because, now Serena (LIKE EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT DAN), becomes convinced that she’s actually a drug addict!  And, so, back to Rehab the VDWa go, to celebrate a Very Van Der Woodsen Thanksgiving  together . . . along with the rest of the obscenely wealthy alcoholics and drug addicts . . .

Speaking of cokeheads . . .

Nate’s Mom and Dad are . .  .zzzzzzzzz

Nate is hanging out with his Secret Lover Dan, when he learns, thanks to some mis-delivered legal documents, that his mother has randomly decided to divorce his coked up, embezzler father, who’s still in jail.  Nate, who’s naive enough to think his dad is reformed, convinces his mother that Daddy-O has CHANGED.  He’s a GOOD PERSON NOW.  So, she should stay married to him!  (How many times have we heard THAT ONE before?) 

Nate’s overly botoxed Mama, is incapable of making any other expression, aside from “mildly surprised,” when she hears this.  Realizing that her inability to smile or open her mouth particularly wide, will make it difficult for her to land a new Meal Ticket Husband, Mama Archibald decides to give Papa Archibald another chance. 

So, Mother and Son visit Papa in jail, and quickly decide to give him another chance.  Then, of course, as Nate is leaving the jail, he learns that his Daddy is up for parole.  In other words, this whole “Papa’s Reformed Thing” is probably a Big Ole Crock a Sh*t.  Now, Daddy-O seems a whole lot less concerned with “changing for the better,” and more concerned with “putting on a good face for the Parole Board,” so he can earn his “Get Out of Jail Free Card.”

  Go figure . . .

Also visiting jail on Turkey Day . . .

Juliet Proves Herself to Be Even Crazier Than Her Jailbird Brother!

While Nate is chatting up his Pops, Juliet shows up at jail, clad in an outfit so WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE for the occasion, that I’m half convinced she’s been arrested for prostitution.

Unfortunately, she’s just there to visit Crazy Brother Ben . . . again.  When Juliet tells her Looney Tunes Brother how she made all of Serena’s friends hate her, and got her, more or less, kicked out of Columbia, the guy is absolutely thrilled!

However, when Ben finds out that Juliet had Serena drugged, he’s morally APPALLED!  This . . . coming from the same guy who had Nate’s dad beat up, convinced Juliet to try to get their own cousin fired from Columbia on sexual abuse charges, and was willing to ruin the lives of the ENTIRE GG cast, just to get to Serena.  Oh yeah . . . these two (Ben and Serena) DEFINITELY did the nasty together, at some point!  There’s no other possible explanation for this sudden moral outrage, on Ben’s part. 

Juliet agrees with me, and starts calling Crazy Brother Ben out on his hypocrisy, reminding him all that she has given up on his behalf.  Juliet then skips town, cleaning out her fleabag apartment, in a flash.  By the time Jenny arrives to confront Juliet at her place, all that is left is that darn party mask, from the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball. 

(I find it VERY hard to believe that someone as savvy as Juliet, would be dumb enough to leave such an obvious clue of her wrongdoing behind.)

“We’ll always have pie!”

Riding home from the whole Serena Ordeal in a limo with Chuck  (YAY LIMO – SEX, SEX, SEX!), Blair admits to how comfortable being with him makes her.  She is so comfortable, in fact, that she is beginning to regret breaking up with him in the first place.  As Blair admits this to Chuck, she sweetly clasps his hand.

But then Chuck tells Blair that she was RIGHT to break up with him.  He LETS GO OF HER HAND!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“I can’t be your friend right now.  I wish I could,” says Chuck, sadly.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Blair offers.

“I’m not.  Because I got to spend more time with you today,” admits Chuck.

Back at home, Blair encounters Jenny, who promptly comes clean to her about the whole Triumverate of Evil, Serena Revenge Plot thing.  And I’ll be darned if the two don’t share an oddly sweet moment together!  When Blair asks for Jenny’s help in bringing down Juliet, Jenny declines, assuring Blair that the Queen B was right in banishing her from Manhattan, in the first place!

Blair even seems to suggest that she will miss Jenny, when she’s gone!

That makes one of us!

When Jenny leaves, Blair immediately picks up her cell phone.  She is about to dial Chuck, her go-to lover partner-in-crime, when it comes to getting revenge on Bottle Blondes.  However, Blair ultimately decides against making that call.  She does, however, send Chuck some pie. ( And We all know how much CHUCK LOVES BLAIR’S PIE!).  The pie for Chuck comes with a little note:  “Just because we couldn’t be friends, doesn’t mean we aren’t – B.”

Chuck smiles at the note, and so do we, knowing full well, that it will NEVER truly be over between, Soul Mates, Chuck and Blair.  So, take that, haters! (Just kidding, I love you all!)  🙂

Meanwhile, Jenny texts Vanessa about having come clean to Blair about the Revenge Plot from Hell.  A VERY SCARED Vanessa immediately pees her pants at the thought of Blair’s Inevitable Wrath.  V-card then ends up escaping to Brooklyn, like the Big Weeny she is!

*Sings* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!

At the end of the episode,  Blair seeks out a new partner-in-crime for her Get Revenge Against Juliet for Serena plot . . . DAN?

“Don’t worry.  I’m just as confused by it as you are.”

Based on the promos we were treated to at the end of this episode, next week’s GG installment promises more fun plotting and scheming from the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, as well as the return of one of my FAVORITE GG guest stars of yesteryear . . . DRUG DEALING DAMIEN!

Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Serena Gets Screwed (But not in the way you might think.) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Witches of Bushwick”

“Now, who’s the Craziest B*tch of Them All?  That Evil Raccoon Zombie’s got NOTHING ON ME!”

Well, that Juliet Sharp ended up being a Real Wackadoo, didn’t she?  Page Six scandals, phony makeout sessions, best friend frame-ups, and ill-timed text messages . . . those are all things that come with the territory, when you live on the Upper East Side.  Heck, that’s just another Day at the Office, for these folks!

  But DRUGGING and KIDNAPPING SOMEONE?  Now, that’s just EFFIN CRAZY!   That’s the stuff Lifetime movies are made of (or The Roommate, starring Leighton Meester).

That’s right, Serena.  The Triumverate of Evil is COMING.  And you can run, but you CAN’T HIDE!

While Serena tries to make her escape, perhaps, we should get started on the recap . . .

Serena’s Love Life = Ridiculously Complex Mathematical Equation

“Math is hard . . . but I am easy.

When the episode opens, we find Eric I-Never-Have-Any-Worthwhile-Storylines-and-am-Therefore Forced-to-do-Lame-Things-Like-Graphing-My-Sister’s-Lovelife van der Woodsen and his boyfriend doing precisely what you would expect any hot young gay couple to do, when they have a Big Mansion to themselves . . . drawing Venn Diagrams?

“Are you KIDDING ME with this?  This is what I’ve been reduced to?  Have you forgotten that I was once in a movie with ANGE-FRIGGIN-LINA JOLIE?”

“Yeah . . . I thought so . . .”

So, anyway, the boys are hoping that this little visual aid will help Serena choose a MAN.  Now, unfortunately, the GG producers didn’t really show us too much of the Diagram.  And yet, I’m willing to bet it looked something like this . . .

Now, before you start getting all mad at me, please realize that I am fully aware that not all of the people listed here were actually on the show.  I improvised a bit . . .

Speaking of visual aids, Lily comes home with another one.  SURPRISE, SURPRISE!  “Someone” has leaked the news of Serena’ little relationship with Professor Hotpants Colin to the media, and it somehow landed on Page Six.  (Talk about a slow news day!  Page Six clearly isn’t what it used to be!)

I’m simply posting this picture here, because I fear I will not have an excuse to use it again on this blog.  *Sigh*

To make matters worse, Dean I-Keep-Tabs-on-All-My-Students’-Sex-Lives-and-Repeatedly-Threaten-to-Expel-Them-for-Completely-Nonsensical-Reasons Reuther would like to talk with Lily and Serena about this most recent development.  Apparently, Dean Reuther is absolutely APPALLED by the notion that one of her students would have the nerve to *gasp* publicly makeout with a guy who taught class at Columbia for a few days.

The HORROR!

To further complicate matters, the Paparazzi have quickly grown tired of tracking the drunken escapades of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, and would much rather stalk the Columbia campus, in hopes of finding one of its students FRENCH KISSING.  Unnerved by the “terrible press,” which will SURELY topple Columbia’s chances of besting Stanford in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings this year, the Dean not-so-subtly suggests that Serena withdraw from school.

But fear not, kiddies!  Mama Lily has come to the RESCUE!

Initially, Lily attempts to solve the Serena’s “The Dean Hates Her” Conundrum, by doing what she does best: throwing money at the problem.  “I’d be willing to give you an endowment, that could perhaps be used to build a moat around your school, to keep out those pesky papparazzi.”

“Golly, Gee, Serena’s Mom!  That’s a marvelous idea!  Can we throw in a Fire Breathing Dragon too?”  Dean Reuther inquires.

But alas, the “super moral” Dean Reuther cannot be bought.   She CAN, however, be blackmailed.  Lily wises implies that should Dean Reuther force Serena to withdraw from Columbia, Lily will publicly expose the “sexual harassment”  and “gender discrimination,” her daughter suffered at the hands of the school and its faculty.

Of course, the Dean has NOTHING to say, in response to that.  Well, played Mrs. van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and, however, many other friggin last names you have!  Thanks to you, Serena will be able to stay at Columbia . . . at least, for the next 35 minutes or so.

3 Words, 8 Letters =Pure HEAVEN for Chair Fans!

This scene renders me SPEECHLESS.  Fortunately, however, it has the OPPOSITE effect on Chuck Bass . . .

Yes, boys and girls!  Chuck and Blair spend yet another episode wrapped in one another’s arms for almost the ENTIRE HOUR!  And I for one, couldn’t be happier, well . . . except for that scene at the end  . . .

When the episode opens, Chuck and Blair have finished another raucous session of LOOOOOOVE MAKING. 

Based on their post-coital discussion, we learn that Chuck is ONCE AGAIN interested in rehashing his fallback plotline of “The Empire Hotel Strikes Back.”  Meanwhile, Blair is repeating her fallback plotline of “I must sacrifice my values and happiness to join some lame organization that I think will make me richer and more powerful.”  This time, Blair’s snooty organization of choice is the HIGHLY creatively titled, Girls, Inc., run by that Bastion of Social Grace Herself, Anne “Wife of a Convict” Archibald.

(Note:  It has been brought to my attention that Girls, Inc. is an ACTUAL organization  — one that I am sure is lovely.  Please know that everything I say from here on in about “Girls, Inc,” refers to the fictional chapter of it portrayed in the show, and NOT the real organization.  No hate mail, please! :))

CHUCK:  “You know, B.  We should really invest in some more original plotlines.  Because this is like the fifth time I’ve tried to “Take Back the Empire” and the 87th time you’ve tried to join a Lame Self-Righteous Club for Women . . .”

BLAIR:  “I know C.  But at least the writers are FINALLY allowing us to sort of be together.  So, we really shouldn’t complain.  Otherwise, they might do something drastic, like make you screw that Raccoon Zombie again  . . .”

As part of his “Empire Hotel Strikes Back” campaign, Chuck decides to throw a Black and White Ball.  He and Blair make plans to have dinner together before the event.  And while they keep assuring eachother the dinner date is only a “friendly one,” the hungry looks in both of their eyes say differently.

In the first of two sets of parallel scenes, we see Blair talking with Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict, Anne Archibald, about how the new face of Girls, Inc.  CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT fraternize with someone of questionable moral character, like Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  Blair, of course, assures Anne that she has no plans to fraternize with Chuck Bass or Nate Archibald’s dad.  At first, I thought Anne looked kind of shocked and frightened by Blair’s assurances . . . then I realized it was just the Botox talking.

Surprised Face Monkey can certainly relate to Anne’s predicament.

Meanwhile, P.R. Represenative from Hell (remember her from LAST SEASON?), K.C., is telling Chuck he has to go back to being the Hedonist Man Whore he has always been, if he wants to “Take Back the Empire.”  And, shocker of shockers, that means ditching “Sweet Innocent Blair.”

Had this been Season 1 or 2, we would have likely had to suffer through Chuck and Blair both suddenly being cold to one another, with each not telling the other one why.  Fortunately, our favorite couple seems to have actually grown up some since the start of the show.

And, in an INSANELY cute scene, during which both Chuck and Blair are talking on the phone to eachother, while wearing red robes, and getting pedicures, each admits to the other why the pair can no longer be seen together in public.

Chuck Bass is probably the only man on the planet who can make THIS look masculine and sexy . . .

You all know what this means, don’t you?  That’s right!  SUPER HOT SECRET SEX!

Clearly, the King and Queen of Scams, Chuck and Blair don’t even have to pause in undressing, before they’ve already derived a solution to their mutually difficult predicaments.  Chuck will convert his boring Black and White Ball, into a sensual and super naughty “Saints and Sinners” Masquerade Ball.  For her part, Blair will publicly denounce the Ball, to politically distance herself from Chuck, and show Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald that she can be just as “Innocent and Sweet” (read: “Stuck-up and Hypocritical”) as the LAST “Face of Girl’s Inc.,” namely, Anne Archibald, herself.

Every time I think I’ve seen the HOTTEST SEX SCENE Chair has to offer, they go and TOP IT FOR ME!  And this week was no exception.  Chuck’s and Blair’s scheming, while amorously massaging eachother’s skin, and ripping one another’s clothes off, is all KINDS OF HOT. 

But things REALLY get steamy, when the couple falls backward onto the bed, and a fully-aroused Chuck, in a moment of uninhibited passion, whispers breathlessly in Blair’s ear, “I love you.”

My sentiments exactly, Blair.

But, alas, we must leave our UNDENIABLY SEXY COUPLE, and head LOW DOWN into the dark depths of Brooklyn, were something EEEVVVVVILL is afoot . . .

Raccoon Zombie + Psycho Stalker + Dullnessa = The Triumverate of Evil (and some REALLY BAD HAIR)

JENNY:  So, we’ve come to get revenge on BLAIR, right?  Because for four seasons, I’ve been battling it out with BLAIR.

VANESSA:  Me too.  The few times, I’ve actually had my own plotline, it always had something to do with me fighting with BLAIR.

JULIET:  No, actually, we’re screwing over SERENA, today

JENNY and VANESSA:  ???????  Ummm . . . OK.  It’s not like we have anything better to do.

So, Jenny, Juliet, and Vanessa throw a little Pow Wow in Juliet’s room, to plan their BIG attack on Serena.  And I have to say, as much as I am a total NON FAN of these three, their “Revenge” Plot was pretty darn impressive.

JULIET:  “Did you hear that?  She actually said something nice about us.”

RACCOON ZOMBIE:  “I KNOW!  I think it’s because I stopped eating out of her trash cans . . .”

The plan begins with Vanessa reuniting The Ambiguously Gay Duo Best Friends, Dan and Nate.

DAN:  *sings*  “And we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . we’re the two best friends that anybody could have . . . and we’re going to do things . . . all the time together . . .”

 . . . who decide that, rather than fight over Serena, they will each take her out on a date, and, for lack of a better phrase, “Let the best man win.”

Because Jenny has switched the SIM card on Serena’s phone, but carried over her contact list, allowing Serena to make outgoing calls, but not incoming ones (and yet she STILL gets Gossip Girl Blasts . . . weird), Serena ends up standing up BOTH Dan and Nate on their respective dates.  And yet, because Dan and Nate have no balls sex with Serena is so mindblowing as to wipe out all mental reasoning in her male partners, rather than get mad, Dan and Nate inexplicably decide to give the “Love of Their Life” (at least, until next week) one more chance.

So, The Ambiguously Gay Duo these manly men corner Serena on the street, and tell her that she has until midnight to choose which “lucky dude” gets to be her Semi-Permanent Screw Buddy.

During the next phase of the plan, Jenny lets it slip to Mama Lily that Juliet is plotting to get vengeance on Serena.  So, Lily, of course, calls Juliet over for a meeting in order to pay her off try to straighten things out.  During the meeting, Juliet admits to leaking the Page 6 news, but alludes to their having been ANOTHER teacher-student incident involving Serena, back when she was in boarding school.  Juliet threatens to leak this information to Columbia.  So, of course, Lily pays for Juliet’s silence.

Wait . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet once mention that CRAZY BROTHER BEN was a teacher, before he landed himself in jail?

“That’s Professor Crazy Brother Ben to YOU!”

Is it possible that Ben taught at Serena’s boarding school, and something happened between them there that resulted in him being in jail, and brought about Psycho Stalker Juliet’s reign of terror on the Upper East Siders?

Don’t worry . . . it’s not a spoiler . . . just a conjecture.

Anywhoo . . . while shopping for a dress for the ball, Serena finds out that her mother has paid off Juliet.  Of course, Serena is WAY OFFENDED that her mom could POSSIBLY think SHE, of all people, would EVER sleep around with an older man.  She tells her mom, as much.

“Sleep around?  Moi?  NEVER!”

After getting a text message from Blair on Serena’s phone about Girls, Inc., Vanessa is instructed to send Serena’s resume to Anne Archibald, despite Serena having promised she would not apply for the position.  In a futile attempt to get us to like her character more, Vanessa appears mildly troubled by the EVIL TASK she is supposed to perform.

“I am mildly troubled by the Evil Task I am supposed to perform.”

And yet, after Juliet tells Vanessa what a LAME SUPER VILLAIN she is, and how the Raccoon Zombie is TOTALLY kicking her ass in terms of pure evilness, the Bohemian Brooklynite ends up sending the resume, anyway .  . .

In the final Pre-Party Phase of the “Bring Down Serena” plan of action, the Triumverate of Evil conveniently receive a Gossip Girl Blast showing the girls EXACTLY what Serena will be wearing to the Masquerade Ball . . .

Ummm . . . Serena?   You are on a public city street entering a CAB!  Is the mask really necessary?

“Take off your clothes, and get out your credit card,” demands Jenny of Juliet, upon reading the blast.

“Not to be nitpicky or anything.  But aren’t you supposed to pay ME for this sort of thing?”

Elsewhere in Town . . .

 . . . Blair is SO touched, when she learns that Chuck has arranged for the best chefs in New York City to cater for her “Denounce Chuck Bass” Meeting with the folks from Girls, Inc., that she dashes off to the party (wearing nothing but slinky red lingerie) to give him an impromptu screw thank you.

EVIL comes to the Saints and Sinners Ball . . .

Wearing a refreshingly minimal amount of eye makeup, Jenny (see, I will call her by her real name . . . for now) and Juliet arrive at the Masquerade Ball wearing hooded capes, underneath which, both are clad in . . . you guessed it . . . Serena’s dress . . .

A masked Juliet enters the party first, and uses the name of a not-yet-arrived Serena to gain admittance.  So, of course, when the REAL Serena arrives at the party, she is initially not allowed in by the Dumb Doorman, who CLEARLY doesn’t read Page Six! 

Unfortunately, for Serena, she only carries around her driver’s license when she’s “shopping for a car,” so, she has no immediate way of proving she is who she says she is.  It must be nice to be clearly underage, and yet NEVER get carded in New York City.  And yet, I’m willing to bet Serena will CHANGE her views on carrying identification AFTER the night she’s about to have . . .

(To be honest, I’m not really sure HOW Jenny got into the party.  I highly doubt Chuck would put her on the list, and Juliet already used Serena’s name.  It’s possible they explained this during the episode, but I totally missed it.)

So, of course, Evil Serena Doppelgangers, Juliet and Jenny, start wreaking havoc on Serena’s love life.  When one of them kisses Dan passionately on the mouth . . .

 . . . I worry, for a second, that it’s his SISTER, Jenny!

But then I realize it’s probably Juliet, and I calm down a bit.  I do, however, think Jenny (dressed as Serena) kisses Nate . . .

 . . . which is kind of ironic, especially considering that THIS EXACT SCENARIO, has happened between these two once before . . .

You’d think Nate would learn by now.  Then again, he’s not that bright . . .

(By the way, have you checked out the HAIR on these girls, in the above pictures?  Question: If YOU were attending a hot sexy masquerade ball, wouldn’t YOU think to . . . you know . . . run a comb through your mop, first?  Then again, Serena and her hairbrush have never exactly been “friends.”  So, perhaps, they were just playing the part . . .)

Going to Hell in a Handbag . . . and LOVING EVERY MINUTE

While Taylor Momsen’s band, “Pretty Reckless,” belts out “Make Me Wanna Die” in the background (a song, which I shudder to admit, I’ve grown to appreciate, ever since they used it in The Vampire Diaries’ Season Premiere Promo), Blair locates Chuck at the party, in a clandestine area, behind a rather large, conveniently-placed curtain. 

“If the words you said were true, I’d want to know,” says Blair, clearly referring to Chuck’s orgasmic “I love you,” from earlier in the episode.

“I meant it.  I meant it with all my heart,” replies Chuck.

The enchanted looks exchanged by these two, when Chuck finally admits his love for Blair are literally enough to take my breath away.  Kudos to Chuck for manning up  about his true feelings WAY quicker than I expected him to do so!  “Are you going to say something?”  Chuck asks, smiling slightly, but, perhaps, a bit nervous as well . . .

“I will . . . I do,” replies Blair.

“AWWWW YEAH!  She sooooooo LOVES ME!”

“We can’t have everything,” says Chuck, illustrating his willingness to give up his Bad Boy image for Blair.

Then, suddenly, someone, who looks suspiciously like Serena, emerges from the shadows.

Silently NotSerena yanks down the curtain, revealing Chuck and Blair to the crowd . . . well . . . at least revealing them to the people in the front row.  To everyone else, they probably just looked like ants . . .

Honestly, the initial reveal struck me as kind of ho hum.  After all, there could be any of a million ways in which savvy schemers like Chuck and Blair could have explained away their mere presence behind that curtain.  But then, count on Chuck and Blair to make an otherwise lame reveal TOTALLY AWESOME!

“Let’s go down in flames together,” says Chuck to a beaming Blair, as he pulls her in for a deep passionate kiss . . .

Now THIS is something that cannot be explained away to a watching crowd . . .

And apparently, Chuck’s party has the WORST GUARDED guest list in town, because who shows up to conveniently witness the whole Makeout Session, but Bastion of Society / Wife of a Convict Anne Archibald.

And Anne has plenty to say about how Blair has RUINED her chances of being a Girls, Inc. girl, by publicly making out with Chuck.  Apparently, the “modern-thinking” Anne believes that women are a reflection of the men they are with.  And I agree.  Anne Archibald is definitely a reflection of Nate’s Convict Dad! 

Before stalking off in a dramatic Botox-infused huff, Anne tells Blair to tell Serena that she’s not Girls, Inc. material either.  (Yeah, way to be professional Anne!  Have one candidate reject another candidate for you, at a SAINTS AND SINNERS PARTY!) 

Now, of course, Blair assumes that Serena exposed her and Chuck, so that she would have a leg up on Blair in being the next Girls, Inc. girl.  And Blair is PISSED!  In fact, she is SO PISSED that she may very well throw Serena in that fountain again . . .

Meanwhile, Chuck’s P.R. Gal, K.C., surprisingly, is THRILLED with how well the public has responded to Chuck’s recent dalliance with Blair.  She claims it provides a good contrast to the SUPER HEDONIST persona Chuck exhibited during the party, by giving him heart.  “Maybe we can have everything,” says Chuck.

“I can’t,” pouts Blair.

Outside the party, Chuck tells Blair that he wants to build a future with her.  Blair wistfully replies that, for now, she needs to follow her heart.  “I have to be Blair, before I can be Chuck Bass’ girlfriend,” she insists.

Given all that these two have been through in the past few weeks, the above exchange was incredibly sad, and more than a bit depressing.  And yet, the conlusion of the scene leaves us with hope for this star-crossed couple. 

“I love you,” says Chuck.

“I love you too,” says Blair.  “I don’t expect you to wait.”

“When two people are meant to be together, they eventually find their way back,” answers Chuck.

“Do you really believe that?”  Blair asks.

“I do,” answers Chuck.

“Me too,” says Blair, smiling sadly, as she chastely touches her fingers to his lips, before exiting stage left.

You know what?  I think these two are going to be OK!

But you know who might NOT be OK?

Serena’s Up Sh*t’s Creek, without a Paddle

Our girl Serena is having a VERY BAD NIGHT.  First she got reamed out by Blair.  Then she got dumped by BOTH Nate and Dan, who left the party together to have sex play video games.  To top it off, Psycho Stalker Juliet, unbeknownst to EVEN Jenny and Vanessa, roofied Serena’s mask, and carried the poor girl, (who promptly passed out) into a limo, which she rode back to her place. 

Did I mention Juliet TEXTED the Dean, as Serena ,to tell her that Serena had WITHDRAWN from Columbia.  Yeah . . . I said TEXTED.  Because, apparently, permanent exit from a prestigious Ivy League school is just a few cell phone button pushes away . . .

Ridiculousness of the whole “Drop Out by Text” Thing aside, I’m actually really worried about our girl, Serena.  Because that Juliet is clearly WAY more disturbed than any of us originally suspected . . .

Man, this show is getting good . .  .

XOXO

[www.juliekushner.com]

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“Think with your Brain. Not your . . . Macaroon!” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

“But I LOVE Macaroons!”

Is it possible?  Could this week’s GG installment actually top last week’s?  How could that POSSIBLY BE — when last week’s episode featured Chuck and Blair having HOT HATE SEX ON THE PIANO?

Oh, but it DID, Gossip Girl fans!  It absolutely did!  Because that AWESOME Piano Sex we all got so excited about last week?  As it turns out, that was ONLY THE BEGINNING!  In fact “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” was so racy (in a GOOD way), that it made “War at the Roses,” look like a Disney Cartoon . . .

Well . . . maybe not Aladdin.  That Jasmine girl?  Yeah, she’s a little bit slutty . . .

Oh . . . and Serena’s storyline wasn’t half bad, either . . .

So, what are we WAITING FOR, GG’ers?  Let’s get our “CHAIR” on!

“Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed!  And he’s STILL HERE!”

A couple episodes back, Gossip Girl began with Blair having a “nightmare,” in which she “thought” that Chuck was attacking her in the darkness of her home.  This week, that nightmare CAME TRUE!

The episode opens with Serena storming into Blair’s bedroom, first thing in the morning, to gripe about her “Colin Problem.”

“Oh, it’s so HARD . . . loving my teacher, and not being able to screw him, or take him to the Ballet.  I’ve always wanted to bone at a ballet!  Blah, blah, blah, I’m so irresistible to all men.  Woe is me,” Serena babbles.

 Now, while the “Colin Problem” sounded TOTALLY snoozy and annoying to me, I am not Serena’s best friend, Blair is.  So, I must admit, I was a bit surprised by the callous way Queen B blew off her “friend in need” in this first scene  It just seemed SO unlike her . . .

But then Serena left, and I noticed a little extra “bump” in Blair’s bed.  It was almost as if something or someone was hiding under the covers  . . .

OK . . . where can I get me one of THOSE?

Kudos to Chuck for NOT going for the way-too-easy (and undeniably creepy) threesome joke he could have made, regarding his “accidental” sharing of the bed, with BOTH Blair AND Serena.  We all know that Season 1 Chuck would have TOTALLY made such a comment.  So, it’s good to see how much our Big Bass has grown, since this series started (in more ways than ONE!)

Chuck Bass: A “HEAD” above all the rest . . .

Blair insists that this most recent sexual rendezvous between the two “sworn enemies” will be their last one . . .   And, if you believe that, I have a pet Raccoon Zombie I will selling, over the internet, shortly following this recap.

There she is!

( Coincidentally, if you are interested in owning your very own pet Raccoon Zombie, please let me know, in the Comments section.)

“What if Someone Sees?”

BLAIR:  “If screwing on a plane puts you in the Mile High Club?  What does screwing on a subway get you?”

CHUCK:  “A bad case of whiplash?”

Who says you can’t learn about local news from watching Gossip Girl?  When Chuck runs into Nate, just outside Blair Waldorf’s house, Nate notes that Chuck has been MIA for THREE WHOLE DAYS!

“Wait to GO, BLAIR!”

Chuck’s explanation as to why he has been so “absent,” of late?  This past Sunday’s New York Marathon, of couse!   According to Chuck, he has been helping the runners to get screwed, like they’ve never been screwed before “warm up” for the Big Race.

All of the people in this picture would like to thank Chuck Bass for his . . . umm . . . support . . . during the hours leading up to their Marathon.  Way to take one for the team, Chuck  (or should I say “take 1,000”)!

 Meanwhile, Nate is headed to Juliet’s place, to return some of her things, and, thereby, get “closure.”  (I wonder if Nate’s idea of “closure” is the same as Chuck’s.  For Juliet’s sake, I sure hope so!)

“Yeeee Hawwww, Juliet!  It’s time to close this relationship DOWN . . . using my lasso . . .  and my ‘Mechanical Bull.'” 😉

But while Chuck is chatting with Nate, he spies Blair, off in the distance.  And so, he makes an abrupt exit, running toward Blair with the verve of all those Marathon runners he claimed to be screwing.

Chuck grabs Blair’s hand amorously, with an eye toward continuing their own PERSONAL marathon.  But Blair hesitates.  “What if someone sees us?”  Queen B inquires nervously.

“What you don’t like that, anymore?”  Chuck asks. 

(OMG!  How could you NOT love these two?)

When Blair suggests that their sexcapades end “here,” Chuck replies, “How about over there?”

Within minutes, the two are arm and arm, and heading down BELOW . . . if you catch my drift!

As it turns out, Blair’s fears weren’t completely unfounded.  HOURS later (well . . . . maybe it was minutes . . . but a girl can dream, can’t she? ;)), when Blair and Chuck emerge from underground, they are spotted by Serena and Colin, who are sharing a cab to “class,” and planning a romantic weekend getaway together (Riiight, because that’s what all students and teachers who are NOT involved in an illicit relationship do together.)  . . .

Colin just so happened to be fully clothed at the time . . . BUMMER!

Also around to catch both Chuck and Blair AND Serena and Colin, in the midst of their respective illicit rendezvous, was Dorky Dan — who without his Georgina / Baby Daddy storyline — has ONCE AGAIN been reduced to pining over Serena for episodes on end . . .

“It’s not easy being this lame.  It takes a LOT of practice . . .”

Even though Dan does NOT actually go to Columbia, (Though, honestly, you could have FOOLED me, for all the time he spends there . . .) he instantly recognizes Colin as being a professor there.  (Sorry . . . “Guest Lecturer.”)  This is because Dan “just so happened” to be reading the dude’s book, (and staring at his sexy portrait on the back) at the time of the sighting.  What are the odds, right? 🙂

And the Plot Thickens . . .

“So, THAT’s why they titled this episode that way!  It all makes so much more sense now!”

When Nate arrives at Juliet’s “home,” he is surprised to find out, from the doorman, that she not only “doesn’t live [there] anymore,” she “NEVER lived there EVER.” 

Meanwhile, at Juliet’s REAL Rathole of a Studio Apartment, she is home, playing on a surprisingly nice laptop for a “poor girl.”  On said laptop is some home- made soft core porn featuring, you guessed it: Colin and Serena.  And they are . . . wait for it . . .

Kissing?

LAMEST SEX TAPE EVER!  Come ON, Juliet!  I expected MUCH better from a girl who used to be on Melrose Place . . . 

Upon viewing the tape (and re-viewing it, and re-viewing it, and -re-viewing it . . . never mind that it features her very own COUSIN!), Juliet contacts the Dean of Columbia to set up a meeting, so the pair can discuss this “INTENSE” video.

“Hmmm . . . maybe I should send this hot Kissing Video over to my brother in the Pokey.  Lord knows THOSE GUYS are hard up for some cheap entertainment!”

Why Serena NEVER has a tanline . . .

“Tans are for PRUDES!”

“Ummm . . .  honey, I beg to differ.”

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Serena and Blair confront each other about what and who they’ve been doing lately.  “It was a one time thing,” insists Blair regarding her “happy times” with Chuck, “OK .  . . a five time thing . . . OK so I lost count of how many times this ‘thing’ was.  But we are Enemies with Benefits!  There are no more feelings between Chuck and I, than there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.”

(Now Blair . . . that’s not very nice!  Levi Johnston has LOTS of thoughts in his head.  They just all have to do with his nuts . . .)

Pistachio nuts, of course!

Still Serena Killjoy does not approve.  She is fully convinced that ANY emotions that grow between Blair and Chuck, even ones of hatred, can only lead to trouble.

And by “trouble,” she of course means “tons of fun!”

Fortunately, for Blair, she hasn’t been the only one misbehaving of late.  “You are one inappropriate relationship away from a Guinness Book World Record,” Blair argues, adeptly changing the subject.

When Serena stupidly brings up the idea of her and Colin going on vacation together to “just talk,” Blair is appalled!

“I am APPALLED!”

You see, Serena has NO WILLPOWER on vacations.  That’s why she NEVER HAS A TANLINE.  Get it?  Apparently, Serena should take a page from Blair’s book, and start having sex in random sunny places, STAT . . . but . . . just . . . not with Colin . . . because that’s WRONG!  Right?

 Juliet Gets Caught in her 85,000th Lie by Nate.  Meanwhile, Vanessa Tags Along on Another Storyline, in which she has NO BUSINESS BEING!

Was it just me?  Or did this part of the episode give you a MASSIVE case of deja vu?  Tired of being lied to by the girlfriend who dumped him, Nate is determined to find answers!  (Riiiiiiight!  I don’t know about you, but I stalk ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS, particularly when I find out information confirming that I dodged a bullet, by breaking up with them.)

“Wait . . . are you being sarcastic?  Because I actually do that . . . stalk all my ex-girlfriends, I mean  . . . at least the ones that are ‘series regulars.’  None of this ‘Special Guest Star’ B.S.  Sorry, Joanna Garcia and that Cougar I banged for a while, in Season 2!”

Since the rest of the Scooby Gang (well, except for Dan . . . but he doesn’t count) are busy “gettin busy,” Nate visits his Partner of Last Resort, Vanessa.

Vanessa is so excited that Nate is actually talking to her and that her character has more than three lines this episode, that she completely forgets the fact that he regularly ditches her for EVERY OTHER female character on this show, (EVEN JENNY), and has basically treated her like TOTAL CRAP for the past Season and a half.  Nate wants to spy on Juliet.  AndVanessa wants to “clear her name,” regarding the whole Serena “sex-for-grades” frame-up she supposedly orchestrated, a few episodes back.

And that was how the Hottie and the Nottie joined forces.  Vanessa finds Juliet’s actual address, while Nate talks his Ex up to “distract her.”  While Nate is talking to Juliet, she admits how very, very POOR she is.  So poor, in fact, that: (1) her cousin pays for her VERY EXPENSIVE college education; (2) she lives in a studio apartment near Harlem; (3) she does her own hair (FOR SHAME!): (4) and she shops at WOODBURY COMMON!

WTF, Gossip Girl!  I got some of my favorite outfits from Woodbury Common!  That place is awesome!   I’m impressed Nate even knows where it is!

So, now, despite the fact that Nate has already caught Juliet lying about: (1) her brother in prison; (2) her trying to get Serena kicked out of Hamilton House; (3) where she lives; (4) and how she pays for school, Nate is so touched by Juliet’s “I’m Just a Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me,” story, that he decides to give Juliet a second chance . . .

Ummm . . . second?  Apparently, it wasn’t Nate’s “counting” abilities that got him into Columbia.  Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet dump Nate this last time?

Anyway, Nate decides to start of this “second chance,” by inviting Juliet to the Lame Ass Ballet that will function as this episodes main “Party of Plot Development and Hijinks.”  He texts Vanessa, to tell her that the “raid” is off.  However, Vanessa has already found the video of Colin’s and Serena’s VERY soft core porn on Juliet’s computer.  And now she just can’t stop watching . . .

“This is the most action I’ve seen ALL SEASON!”

Dan’s “Mad Face” = Total Relationship Killer

Dan finds Serena (studying?), and lays on her one of his most intense stares . . .  “Uh oh!  Why are you giving me Mad Face?”  Serena inquires, nervously.

“Mad Face?  Who me?  I don’t know what you’re talking about!  I always look like this!”

Dan admits that he saw Serena getting out of her Professor’s cab, and he didn’t like it.  Serena tries to smooth things over, asserting that they are “waiting” until the class is over to “do it.”  Isn’t that “romantic?”

Honestly?  This guy could SNEEZE, and it would be “romantic.”

Hoping to go all judgy-judgy on Serena’s as,s for screwing The Teach, Dan is a bit taken back, by his Slutty Ex’s Anomalous Abstinence.  And so, he starts REALLY laying it on thick.  Dan tells Serena that if HE was her boyfriend HE would do anything for her, INCLUDING quit a teaching position at Columbia to be with her.  After all, SERENA is worth more than the cost of a “Guest Lecture Fee.”

(Yeah . . . way to be subtle O’ Danny Boy!)

And yet, perhaps, I was too quick to rank on Dorky Dan’s Mad Lady Skills.  Because, about two scenes later, Serena DUMPS that Hot (and Rich) Piece of Meat, Colin, and instead decides to go to the ballet with . . Dan?

“Oh yeah!  I’m a stud!  You know it!”

Immersion Therapy versus Detox –  You all KNOW which one I’m ROOTING FOR!

Thank you, Episode 8, and CWTV.com for providing me the HOTTEST new collection of Chuck Bass screencaps, EVER!  (See example, above.)

I must admit, I literally squealed with joy, when I learned that Chuck and Blair opted to have their “last” sexual encounter in the exact same place where they had their first, namely, the back seat of a limo.  However, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t actually get to see the encounter this time . . .  So, I guess we will just have to settle for this . . .

You’re welcome.

Unfortunately, for Chuck and Blair, they aren’t always the greatest at communicating.  As a result, each had VERY DIFFERENT ideas about how to finally END their sexual relationship.  For Blair, it was all about DETOX.  She commandeered poor Dorota, to keep her from seeing Chuck AT ALL during the next 24 hours.

“Oof!  I can already tell I’m not going to like this job . . .”

As for Chuck, he preferred more of an IMMERSION therapy — namely, ALL SEX, ALL THE TIME for 24-hours, or until they got “sick of it” (like THAT would ever happen), whichever came first.

Now, you all know how much I LOVE my Chuck.  So, I hope you all don’t take this the wrong way.  But was I the ONLY one REALLY creeped out by the way Chuck instructed his limo driver to pick up TONS OF CONDOMS in preparation for his NONSTOP SEX SESSION with Blair? 

Umm . . . ever heard of a thing called “privacy,” Chuck?  Perhaps, it wasn’t Chuck’s words that made me so uncomfortable, but the SUPER DISTURBING way the cab driver leered at Chuck  when he said them.  That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit . . .

Anywhoo . . . Blair’s idea of detox mainly involved “thinking with her brain, not her macaroon, as she told Serena, later that evening.  Basically, this plan constituted a LOOOOOONG bath . . .

 . . . and EATING . . . lots and lots of EATING.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen Blair Waldorf eat as much in FOUR SEASONS, as I saw her eat, during this episode.  It was kind of refreshing, actually.  I’m guessing that all that sex she was having with Chuck, probably burned those macaroons RIGHT OFF! 

Throughout Blair’s LOOOOOONG bath, we see her repeatedly ignore phone calls from Chuck (31, to be exact).  And then, just when it seems like she’s “chucked chuck” for good, Blair reenters her room, and finds a little “present” in her bed.

Make that a nice BIG present . . .

Just as Blair’s resolve is about to crack, Dorota screams out NOOOOOOOOO! And promptly sends Blair off for her date to The Ballet with . . . Professor Colin Forrester?

As Blair rushes to meet her TOTALLY RANDOM date, Chuck eyes Dorota suspciously. 

“If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance,” insists Dorota.

(Anyone know where I can find my own Dorota?  I can think of a lot of situations where this would come in VERY handy, indeed . . .)

In Other Home Invasion News . . .

 . . . Juliet returns home, to find a Creepy Vanessa lounging on her bed.  Temporarily forgetting that it was Juliet who set Vanessa up, as being the person who “framed” Serena for exchanging “grades for sex,” Vanessa has since decided that she now wants to JOIN FORCES with Juliet, to bring down Serena

“Come to the Dark Side, Juliet!  Oh . . . wait . . . I guess you are kind of already there.”

The only problem is that, now, Juliet’s all lovey dovey with Nate, and doesn’t want to go through with the whole “Screw Over Serena” Thing.  Not ready to give up just yet, Vanessa snatches up a USB drive containing the incriminating footage, and heads off to “The Ballet.”

At the Ballet

When Dan arrives at The Ballet to meet up with Serena, rather than going right over to her, he inexplicably stands still and leers at her from far away. 

“Clearly, this is all part of my master plan.  Why else would I do something so stupid?”

While Dan is waiting for puberty to hit, Blair learns that Colin quit his teaching job to be with Serena.  Her faith restored in Mankind (well, at least the part of mankind she ISN’T sleeping with on a regular basis), Blair decides to be the “good friend,” and reunite Colin and Serena.

It doesn’t take very long at all, for this to happen.

Sorry Dan!  It looks like the early bird gets the slut Serena!

Once she is safely alone, Chuck approaches Blair, and asks her to meet him in a phone booth?

“This sounds like a job for SUPER CHUCK!”

OK . . . do they even HAVE phonebooths in New York, anymore?  Because I’ve never seen one . . .

Meanwhile, Vanessa tries to paw off the USB drive containing the not-so-sexy vid on the Dean of Columbia U, when Juliet stops her.

But then Vanessa quickly convinces Juliet of the “error of her ways,” by telling Juliet that she will always be an outsider to this Upper East Side crew.  Therfore, she might as well join up with Vanessa’s LOSER CREW OF TWO, ASAP.

Juliet agrees, and ends up giving the USB drive to the Dean herself, pointing out that the folks in it, are none other than Serena and her very own cousin (and mealticket) Colin.  In my ABSOLUTE favorite part of this scene, Vanessa tries to interject some useless information into the conversation, and the Dean replies, “I’m sorry, but who are YOU?”

(Yes, Dean, we’ve ALL been trying to figure that out, for a REALLY long time now. . . )

When the Dean confronts Colin and Serena, Colin is already sort of off the hook, since he’s already resigned his position as faculty member at the school.  Being the good guy that he is, Colin refuses to implicate Serena in his “Sex Madness.”  But the Dean insists that she will HAVE to investigate Serena, based on past claims of “sex-for-grades” that were made against her.

That’s when Chuck and Blair come to the rescue!

Blair surprises us all, by risking everything for her best friend.  First, she snatches the USB drive from the Dean’s hand, and tosses it into her champagne, ruining it irreparably.   She then states that SHE, and NOT SERENA, was the one screwing Colin.  (I loved the little smirk Colin made, when she said this.  Colin is really enjoying himself, isn’t he?)

Chuck chimes in to confirm Blair’s involvement.  “I would know because I keep tabs on every man Blair sleeps with, because I’m insanely jealous.  Also, I heard he wasn’t satisfying her in the way that ONLY I can.”

So true, Chuck!  So VERY true!

In the end, the Poor Dean is just totally fed up with this crew of Upper East Side Looney Tunes.  And, without any evidence of the scandal in question, there’s really nothing she can do to Serena or Colin. 

After the whole “scandal” is over, Colin cuts off Juliet’s finances (DUH!), and Blair and Co., banish her from Columbia FOREVER (Not like she can afford to be there anymore, anyway. . .)

And they all lived happily ever after?  Well . . . not quite yet . . .

The Aftermath . . .

In the limo coming home from The Ballet, Serena inexplicably dumps THIS GUY. . .

 . . . (WHO LEFT HIS JOB FOR HER) . . . for THIS GUY . . .

(WHO DIDN’T).

But then, while she’s waiting for Dan, so she can tell him the “Good News,” Serena runs into THIS GUY . . .

 . . . who . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . is in love with her too!  Now, Serena is confused as to who she should choose . . . AGAIN. 

Seriously?  This girl goes through lovers, like the rest of us go through pairs of underwear . . .

MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY, SERENA . . . Blair did. 🙂

Back at La Casa de Waldorf . . .

 . . .  Chuck and Blair finally admit that they are friends (?)  And, though we all know they are so much more, it’s really nice to see the weeks (months?) of hatred between them just wash away.  “Who knew it would take tons of sex, and a public take down, for us to get here?”   Blair asks brightly.

“Good night, Waldorf,” says Chuck, a bit wistfully.

The pair hug eachother tightly, then kiss eachother chastely.  Then, very slowly, they begin to kiss eachother more passionately . .  . MUCH more passionately.  Next thing you know, Chuck has literally swept Blair off her feet, and is effortlessly carrying her toward the stairs . . .

The pair engage in SCORCHING SEX, in front of the fire.  But this time is different from all those other times, earlier in the episode.  No longer can Chuck and Blair hide behind the protective shield of Hate Sex.  Because this time . . . they are truly  . . . making  . .  .  LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

And the episode should have ended here . . . really . . . but it didn’t.

In the FINAL scene, we see Juliet and Vanessa cyberchatting with a familar face . . . someone who “really understands” what they both are going through . . . someone who KEEPS SAYING she’s going to be above the fray, and not get involved .  . .  but keeps GETTING INVOLVED AGAIN, AND AGAIN! 

You guessed it.   Next week’s episode will feature Juliet and Vanessa teaming up with . . . 

Jenny the Raccoon Zombie!

And that, my dear friends, was how the Triumverate of EVIL was born!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The Taming of the Screwed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “War at the Roses”

OMFG! 

Three words.  Ten letters.  HOT . . . HATE .  . . SEX.

This week, sexually frustrated Gossip Girl fans everywhere FINALLY got the vicarious release they’ve all been waiting for, since the Season 4 premiere.

There’s nothing like a little Birthday Sex, to kick off your twenties with a BANG!

So, now that we’ve all been . . . ahem . . . satisfied . . . let’s take a look back at how everything “went down,” shall we?

“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go have sex.”

Come on, Gossip Girl writers!  How naive do you think WE ARE?  A Celibate Serena?  Talk about an Oxymoron!  I mean that would be like a Classy Jenny . . .

. . . or an Interesting Vanessa . . .

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . .  Sorry.  I just fell asleep looking at that picture . . .

Anyway, everyone KNOWS that Serena is absolutely incapable of withholding sex from a man.  Might I remind you of the widespread panic that took over Manhattan a few weeks back, when Serena was thought to have an STD?

Nonetheless, this week, we are led to believe that Serena is preserving her nonexistent“virtue” with Professor Colin . . .

 . . . at least, until she completes his course in Tantric Sex Psychology of Marketing.  And so, the couple-supposedly-yet-to-“couple” meets each morning for “coffee and conversation.”  However, since the only words Serena knows how to “converse” with end in “_uck,” “_crew,” and “_ang,” these sessions never seem to last more than a few minutes . . .

When Serena tells Blair about her hot and foamy rendezvous with Professor Sugar, No Cream, Queen B is “morally aghast” (as she is about once per episode) with her friend’s teacher-mounting ways . . .

“I am morally aghast!”

“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go and have sex,” lectures Blair (and she would know . . .).

Blair wisely instructs Serena that she should stop licking cream off her Studly Business Professor, if she cares at all about her education.  Not liking Blair’s advice one bit, Serena (who’s obviously a MORON, and clearly has selective amnesia), seeks comfort from the girl trying to RUIN HER LIFE, Juliet . . .

“This is just too friggin EASY!”

Upon learning that Serena is “involved” with her professor, Juliet immediately recognizes an opportunity to bring about Blondie’s downfall.  And so, Juliet “kindly” suggests to Serena that if the Professor is not getting his “cream and sugar” from Serena, he is most certainly getting it from somewhere else.  As if on cue, Serena spies Colin escorting a rather attractive woman out of her cab, and into his house.

“I am so spitting this FOAM in your FACE, the next time I see you, Professor Scumbucket!”

A perturbed Serena stomps right up to Colin’s door, ready to catch him in the act.   However, when she gets inside, Serena sees that the Professor’s “lady friend” is wearing an apron and carrying a broom. 

“Oh, Professor!  You are such a Dirty Boy!  A nice sponge bath will clean you right up!”

Somehow, Colin manages to convince Serena that the lady currently “cleaning his clock” and “dusting his balls trophies” is his housekeeper, and not his lover .  . .  Nonethless, Serena, recognizing the extent of her own jealousy (but not her idiocy), decides to put a stop to “Office Hours” and “Coffee Time” with Professor Maid Humper until the end of the semester.

And yet, avoiding Professor Stud Muffin will be easier said than done — especially when both he and Serena are scheduled to attend Blair’s 20th Birthday party, the following evening  . . .

Speaking of things that are easier said than done . . .

“I guess this is goodbye.”

Not believing their friends Chuck and Blair to be capable of staying “true” to their “truce” on their own, Nate and Serena agree to put aside their own differences, and broker a “Peace Treaty” between the uncoupled- couple. 

CHUCK: “In the spirit of peace, if you give me the Standard on weeknights, I will give you The Carlyle for the entire Christmas Season.”

BLAIR:  “Done.  But I want an addendum that you can’t bed hostesses from the roster of restaurants I frequent.”

While the words coming out of our hero’s and heroine’s mouths are pure business, their body language is a bit more . . . suggestive.  Lips are licked.  Collars are fidgeted with.  Fingers are ran through hair.  Legs are crossed and uncrossed.  Necks and chins are stroked amorously. 

Oh, yes, boys and girls!  There is some SERIOUS sexual tension in the air!  “There is just one last point to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys, you are dismissed,” Blair says pointedly, throwing serious F*ck Me Eyes in Chuck’s direction.

(Photo provided by ChuckandBlairthePerfectPair  – check them out for all the latest GG promos, stills, production intel and spoilers!)

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see what went on between Chuck and Blair during the last few moments of Treaty Negotiations.  (I, personally, like to imagine them cementing the terms of their agreement, by screwing like bunnies . . .

 . . . but that’s just me.)

The next time we see Chuck and Blair, they are leaving the “conference” and heading toward their respective limosines.

“I guess this is goodbye,” says Chuck, with more than a bit of uncertainty, as he extends his  hand for Blair to shake.

Blair begins to reach for Chuck’s hand as well.  Then, remembering the electric current of sexuality that coursed through her veins the LAST TIME she shook Chuck’s hand, she thinks better of it.  “Let us not forget about Article 19.  No touching,” concludes Blair, with a certainty she does not feel.

With a wistful look in eachother’s direction, the two slowly part from one another, and withdraw to their respective vehicles.

Meanwhile, in Dorky Dan Land . . .

Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #1

Poor Dan!  He tries so hard to be one of the gang, with his snoozy relationship troubles, droll one-liners, and feeble attempts to be Bad Ass.  And yet, he fails miserably every time.

Annoyed that last week’s rendezvous with Chuck andBlair has left Little J cowering in a trash can, like the Raccoon Zombie she is . . .

 . . . and concerned that Jenny’s hermit-like tendencies will keep his father and stepmother from celebrating their first anniversary in style, Dan (with the help of Mini van der Woodsen) . . .

“Do you think, maybe, sometime this Season, someone can write me a storyline that’s not . . . you know .  . . TOTALLY LAME?”

 . . . develops a Dastardly Scheme of Revenge.

(And by “Dastardly” I mean, “Uninspired and Incredibly Stupid”)

Dan decides to . . . SEND A FAKE POST TO GOSSIP GIRL ABOUT BLAIR SUPPOSEDLY SLEEPING WITH JACK BASS, WHILE SUMMERING IN FRANCE!

Wait . . . that was it?  That was the entire plan?  Silly, Dan!  Fake blasts to Gossip Girl are SO Season 1 . . .

Anyway, Dan hopes that Chuck will be SO MAD about this fake blast, that it will send him running right into the waiting arms of Jenny . . .

OK, first of all .  . . EWWWW!  And, second of all, wasn’t Jenny’s illicit relationship with Chuck what started all these problems, in the first place?

What ON EARTH would make Dan think that this was a good idea?

When Dan arrives at Chuck’s house, he is surprised to find Chuck having tea with . . . none other than Blair Waldorf, herself.

After weeks of seeing these two spar AGAINST one another, it was nice to see Blair and Chuck have a little fun together at Dorky Dan’s expense.  As it turns out, Blair and Chuck recognized the blast as a fake immediately, and met up to revise their treaty to include additional terms, which would govern the pair, in the event that such fake blasts occurred in the future. 

“Jack Bass wasn’t even in France this summer.  He was in Chile,” Blair says nonchalantly.

Chuck pauses at this.  “Wait . . . how did you know that?”   He asks.

And yet, he recovers quickly, in an attempt to exhibit a unified front, in the face of a ridiculous enemy.  “The intricacies of war games are too complex for a prole like you to fathom,” Chuck scoffs at Dorky Dan.

Blair, for her part, adds that she could care less what Dan’s Gothic Barbie sister does to try and undermine Chuck’s and Blair’s treaty.

I see a resemblance.  Don’t you?

To prove just how much she doesn’t care about Jenny, Blair boldly invites Chuck to her birthday party, right in front of Dan.  And Chuck agrees to attend.

Take THAT, Dan the Dipstick!

The Serena van der Woodsen Escort Service

While Dan is striking out with Chuck and Blair, Serena begins to worry that her plan to NOT screw Professor Sexy Pants will also fail miserably.  Dumbbell Serena decides that Psycho Stalker Juliet would be the “ideal candidate” to act as her Professor Buffer (How dirty does that sound?) at Blair’s party. She, therefore, invites the little wench to attend the affair as her date.

However, when Nate finds out about Serena plan, he offers to be the Buffer between his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend.  It is important to note that, in doing this, Nate is taking the place of his other ex-girlfriend, who was supposed to the Buffer originally, while attending the party of a third ex-girlfriend (Blair).  AWKWARD!

“I treat my ladies like cowpoke at a Rodeo! Round em up.  And keep em in line!”

“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck.  So, you fight with everybody else!’

If anyone really needs a Buffer, it’s Blair!  The girl has been running around like a chicken without a head, ALL AFTERNOON!  Poor Blair has been seriously fretting about her party, and whether it will allow her to make her mark in society, as a “powerful woman.” 

Incredibly stressed out, and bursting with sexual energy — as a result of her recent heated encounters with Chuck — Blair is being a total BIATCH to all her poor lowly servants, including the loveable Dorota.

“What’s going on with me?”  Blair asks her trusted friend (and slave) worriedly.

“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck, so you are fighting with everybody else,” Dorota says decisively.

As it turns out, Blair would be better off using that pent-up energy to fight off Dorky Dan.  The pathetic loser has just stolen a copy of Blair’s and Chuck’s treaty from the moronic Nate.  Apparently, Nate the Nincompoop was dumb enough to leave the darn thing lying around, even though Chuck demanded it be “locked away in a safe . . .”

Sex, Lies, Videotape, and Family Members?

Blair isn’t the only one who is the subject of a revenge plot, this evening.  When Serena ditched Juliet for Nate, the Psycho Stalker rounded up an “alternate” date to Blair’s birthday party: namely, Professor Screws-a-Lot.

While “distracting” Serena from the Professor, Nate spies him engaged in a heated conversation with Juliet.  Nate then quickly becomes convinced that the Professor is two-timing Serena with his own ex-girlfriend.

When Nate confronts Juliet, she explains that Colin is her cousin, who has paid her way through school, and who she cares for deeply.  In talking with Nate, Juliet comes to realize that Colin is the Professor that Serena is dating. 

And we, as fans, come to realize that Colin might not be the manipulative scheming snake we originally thought he was, based on his suspicious conversations with Juliet last week.  This also means that Colin might . . . gasp . . . actually like Serena for her PERSONALITY!

Juliet calls Brother Ben in jail again to break the news to him.  (Seriously?  How much phone time does this guy get?  This must be the most LENIENT PRISON EVER!)

“Hey Juliet.  Listen, I’ve gotta go.  The strippers will be here any minute.”

Brother Ben who, oddly enough, looks like he’s lost a bit of hair, since last week’s episode (Comb over, much?), can clearly give two craps about whether Juliet’s screwing over Serena will, by extension, end up screwing over his own cousin.  “Get proof [that she’s boinking our cousin], and get Serena expelled,” Brother Ben demands.

In the next scene, we see that Serena has received a note from Colin telling her to meet him upstairs.  The couple rendezvous in her bedroom.  Things get pretty hot and heavy up there.   Personal space is invaded.  Fingers lightly probe body parts.  Eye F*cking occurs.  Shockingly, it’s Serena that puts a stop to it.

“What the heck is this?  Invasion of the Body Snatchers?   Who is this girl and what has she done with the Real Serena?”

“We’ve already gone farther than we should have,” says Serena.  “Old Me would have gone farther.  New Me wants to wait.”

I knew it!  I was right!  Serena’s TOTALLY been body snatched .  . . by some alien named NewMe!

Leaving Colin with a lingering goodbye kiss on the lips, Faux-Serena exits the bedroom, having, shockingly, never gone farther than first base with her new sweetheart.  Juliet creepily watches the events unfold in the window, from outside and below

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anybody, except Juliet (and maybe Brother Ben), a camera, which Juliet(?) has planted inside Serena’s bedroom, most certainly catches one Hot and Bothered Professor tending to these . . .

Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #2

After Mini van der Woodsen wisely backs out of Team Doofus, Dan telephones some random company that does “roasts” and invites them over to Blair’s party to exhibit a “very special video” in Blair’s honor.  I was right there with Penelope and Blair’s minions, in hoping that Dan would embarrass Queen B in front of all those fancy people she invited to her party, by showing them something juicy like . . . say . . . a Chuck / Blair Sex Tape. 

That would have been HOT!

I should have known not to overestimate Dan’s abilities at .  . . well . . . doing anything.  What he actually ended up showing was an old video of Blair drunkenly singing “Stand By Your Man,” in a rather humorous fake southern accent, while Chuck tried in vain to pull her off the stage.

OOPS!

Despite my thinking that the video was (though mildly humorous) pretty unexiting, in terms of blackmail material, Blair was actually quite mortified by it.

Apparently, the disavowal of this tape was the “extra” treaty term that Chuck and Blair had sent Serena and Nate away to discuss earlier in the episode.  Blair rushes to turn off the video.  In doing so, she inadvertently knocks over fashion designer Rachel Zoe, who somehow ends up on the floor, covered in chocolate fudge.

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELLLLTINNNNG!”

Mistakenly believing that Chuck was the only one who knew about the video, Blair immediately assumes that he is the one responsible.  Interestingly enough, despite being enraged at, and extremely hurt by, Chuck, it is at this moment that Blair admits something very heartfelt to him.  As it turns out, Blair only knew of Jack Bass’ whereabouts, because she had sent a private investigator to look for Chuck, while he was missing – despite he purported hatred for him during that time.

Chuck, understandably, seems touched by this admission.  “I hate being at peace with you, but I didn’t do this.  We have a Treaty,” he promises.

It is at this moment, that Dorky Dan, clearly proud of himself, comes clean about his “Dastardly Deeds.”

And honestly . . .  no one really cares that much . . . well almost no one . . .

Rufus and Lily quickly put Dan in his place, calling him out for what a Douchebag he’s always been become, since he’s started hanging with the Upper East Side Scooby Gang.  Like Goth Barbie / Raccoon Zombie before him, Dan begins to feel guilty for having stooped to Chuck’s and Blair’s level . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

And I just put myself to sleep typing that sentence . . .

AND FINALLY .  . . THE GOOD STUFF!

After the party, a humiliated Blair has a heart-to-heart with her mother, about  . . . who else . . . Chuck.  “What I want is to be a powerful woman.  But Chuck makes me feel like a weak little girl.”

I have to say, the often absent and dismissive Eleanor surprised me this week, by giving Blair some pretty sound (not to mention, uncharacteristically, Pro-Chuck) advice.  “Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak, in order to become stronger.  You don’t have to lose the girl, to become a woman,” Eleanor concludes. 

Alone again and fortified by her mother’s encouraging words, Blair heads toward her bedroom.  However, before she reaches the stairs, she encounters a familiar face in her entrance foyer . . . it’s CHUCK!

“I just wanted to let you know that the treaty is off,” Chuck begins.

“Good.  The pretense of civility was exhausting,” Blair counters.

“We are not friends.  We don’t have to like eachother,” offers Chuck, his brow furrowed, fists clenched.

“I’ll never like you either,” seethes Blair, moving closer to Chuck.  “In fact, I hate you.”

“There’s a firery pit of hate inside of me, and it’s ready to explode,” counters Chuck, moving so close to Blair that their faces are almost touching.

Chuck then rips the treaty up right in front Blair.   Blair watches wide eyed, as Chuck grabs on to her shoulder.  He then yanks her closer to him, and . . . KISSES HER!

As music thunders in the background, Chuck and Blair start going at it, ferociously ripping one another’s clothes angrily, while hungrily probing eachothers’ bodies, and furiously making out.  Then, the camera starts to do strange and trippy things (which I DID NOT LIKE — don’t mess with CB SEX, you MEAN OLD CAMERA MAN!),

In the final moments of the episode, Chuck pushes Blair up against a piano, and proceeds to “hatefully” screw her brains out.  Man, I wishes someone “hated” me like that . . .

Tune in next week Chair fans, when, based on the promos, there will be PLENTY MORE where that came from! 

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Nightmare on Blair’s Street – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Easy J”

Forget Paranormal Activity 2, THIS is the scariest sight I’ve seen ALL WEEK . . .

 .  . . and, apparently, I’m not the only one who thought so!

So, this is Halloween Week.  This tends to be the week when television shows try to add a little something “special” and “Halloweeny” to their episodes.  They do this, in a shallow attempt to SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF US!

Glee has the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  The Vampire Diaries has a Masquerade Ball and a Murderous Kat.  Gossip Girl has an Evil Raccoon Zombie with bad hair extensions . . .

But you want to know the SCARIEST THING about this episode?  During it, I actually .  . . gulp . . . didn’t mind . . . Jenny Humphrey!

OH THE HORROR!

Let’s get on to the recap, OK?

Wait Until Dark . . . Then Freak Out in the Morning

Yes, boys and girls.  Only Blair Waldorf wakes up in the morning with perfect makeup, flawless skin, and not a single hair out of place . . . B*TCH!

In anticipation of this upcoming episode, many of you might have had nightmares about Jenny Humphrey’s impending return to Gossip Girl.  Apparently, so did Blair.  When the episode opens, our Queen B is, once again, dreaming herself into an Audrey Hepburn movie.  Only, this time, it is not the Happy “Holly Go Lightly” Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  It’s . . . Wait Until Dark.

 LOVE THE HAIR . . . Blair!

In the dream sequence, a blind Blair (Wait . . . She was blind?  How did she SEE ANY OF THIS?) hears an intruder in her house, and becomes immediately convinced that it is Chuck Bass.  But, when the intruder attacks her from behind, Blair, in an attempt to defend herself, grabs a hold of something .  . . HAIR . . . long . . . grimy . . . stringy . . . despicable . . . HAIR.  My goodness!  Who could it possibly be?

Good guess . . . but I’m pretty sure it was Jenny Humphrey . . .

Meanwhile, across town, Serena is in bed with that Slutty Hot Guy who kept stealing her cab last week. 

Mommy Like!

Except . . . they are wearing clothes . . . A LOT OF CLOTHES.  You know what?  I don’t these two slept together . . .

Man, this episode is terrifying.  Clearly, this is a WORLD GONE MAD!

Anyway, Slutty (but not TODAY!) Serena sneaks out of Cab Guy’s apartment, because she doesn’t want to be like “all those other girls” she sees entering cabs from there, on “the morning after.”  (Yes, Serena.  Because Walks of Shame are SO much classier, than Cab Rides of Shame.  Good call, Girlfriend!)

“I am SMART!  S-M-R-T!”

But then, in a twist that shocked positively NO ONE, when Serena arrives at her “class,” which is Psychology of Business, or something . . .

(Wait . . . another business class?  What’s the matter?  Don’t any of you Gossip Girls like Science?  Or Math?  Or Underwater Basket Weaving?)

 . . . who is her new professor but, lo and behold, Cab Guy!

(I’m sure Columbia University is SO HAPPY to know that their prestigious faculty is being represented on this show as He Sluts and B*tchy Ladies who quit teaching because their  prospective Teaching Assistants fight over them . . .)

The Day Pass and the Dropped Class

Never one to disregard her Audrey Hepburn Dreams, Blair rushes to La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, and finds to no one’s surprise that Jenny Humphrey is there!

Queen B is just APPALLED that Evil Raccoon Zombie would have the GALL to disregard her Decree of Banishment, and show her mascara-stained face in Upper Manhattan.

“Off with her head!”

And yet, The Queen is feeling quite generous today.  Upon hearing that Jenny has an interview with Tim Gunn, for admittance into Parsons School of Design . . .

“Oooh Jenny!  That hair!  That MAKEUP!  This concerns me.  I’m very troubled . . .”

 . . . Blair offers Jenny a “Day Pass” from Queen B-sized torture.  The terms of said Day Pass are that (1) Jenny stays home all day; and (2) she ONLY leaves the house to attend her interview.

Now, is that not the sweetest thing you ever heard?  No?  Well, clearly you don’t understand the sheer magnificence that is Relative Kindness to Evil Raccoon Zombies!

“I’m so happy I could eat out of a garbage can!  Oh, wait . . . I always do that!”

Not that it matters, anyway.  We all know it isn’t going to last . . .

Meanwhile, Serena confronts Professor Cab Guy, and tells him that they should just be friends teacher / student, or whatever.  But then Professor Cab Guy starts laying it on really thick!  He’s all . . . “I CARE about you!  I think we could really HAVE something together.  You’re so smart and witty!  I have so many new and unusual STDs to give you.  But I can’t give you them, if we never screw!

“I’m concerned.  This troubles me.  He’s just so full of sh*t!”

Ummm . . . yeah . . . the minute Professor Cab Guy (His name is “Colin” by the way.  I just like Professor Cab Guy, better . . .) started alluding to the fact that he was attracted to Serena, because she’s “smart” and has a “great personality,” we all should have IMMEDIATELY known something was up . . .

But, alas, Serena is actually deluded enough to think she is smart, and actually has a great personality!  And so, she falls for all this hook-line-and-sinker.  She agrees to to hold off on taking Psychology of Business, or whatever, until next semester.  She also agrees to be Professor Cab Guy’s date to the Eligible Bachelor Award Party at the Boom Boom Room. 

OK . . . so let me get this straight.  They give out awards to guys for being single, at a place called the “Boom Boom Room?”  Does that sound strange to anybody else?

Crimes of Fashion

After running into Chuck, and reminding him that she “banished” Jenny for “both [their] sakes” . . .

“Honestly, Chuck, do you REALLY want people to know you slept with Little J?  Let’s put aside, for a moment, the fact that she’s underaged, and you two are kind-of/sort-of related.  Have you seen that HAIR?”

. . . Blair contacts her Army of Minions (which now, apparently, includes Penelope again – Oh how the mighty, hath fallen!).  She then instructs them to stake out Little J’s casa, to make sure Spaghetti Head abides by the terms of her Day Pass.

OK . . . now, I only noticed this, because I screencap the episodes.  But do any of you find it odd that Blair’s two non-Penelope minions always wear orange and yellow? 

 

What’s up with that?

The non-Penelope minions agree to the task without question.  However, Penelope has become a bit rusty in the art of Minionship, during her year off the show away from Queen B.  She actually QUESTIONS BLAIR’S AUTHORITY!

While Penelope agrees that nothing can be more entertaining than a little “Bottle Blonde Recon,” she can’t, for the life of her, understand what Loser J could have possibly done to make her worth all this trouble . . .

“Yours is not to wonder why, yours is just to DO or DIE!”  Blair SEETHES.  (That RHYMES!)

 “I do not like Jenny in my Town.  I do not like her.  She makes me frown.  And so you’ll stalk her, yes you will.  You better stalk her, or I’ll kill!”

Back at La Casa de Humphrey / van der Woodsen, Jenny is putting the finishing touches on the LAMEST FASHION COLLECTION EVER!  Seriously?  Stick figures?  All black?  All dresses?  This . . . from the “most talented young fashion designer of the Upper East Side?” 

“Your verk, is uneenspired, and borink.  You have nooo talent.  And your hair is a DISASTER!  Jenny Humphrey, you are Out!  Auf wiedersehen!”

And then . . . just when we thought we would be subjected to yet another lame scene, where Jenny and Dan talk about how oh-so-mean Blair is, a Special Guest arrives at the house . . .

Well hello,  Special Guest!

Special Guest Chuck (who we all know was the whole reason Jenny and her hideous fashion sense even GOT an interview with Parsons) arrives supposedly to “apologize” for deflowering her, and ruining her hair (Oh. . . wait, she did that by herself.) . . . I mean ruining her LIFE  (Yeah, that works.)

But Dorky Dan won’t let Chuck see Jenny.

“Now that Lame-o Vanessa is out of the picture, I have NO STORYLINE.  In fact, I have pretty much nothing to do this week, except follow my sister around and be “brotherly.”  You are SO not stealing another scene from me!  So there!”

*sticks out tongue*

Chuck agrees to leave so quickly, we just know he’s up to something dastardly.  And we figure out precisely what he’s up to, when we see him depart with a stack of papers.  And even though the top pages say “Bass Industries,” we can be pretty sure that the ones conveniently hidden below them say, “Jenny’s Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line.”

Our suspicions are confirmed, when Chuck calls Jenny at home, to let her know he purposefully accidentally stole took her “Crappy Excuse for a Fashion Line” Papers.  Therefore, he will leave the at the front desk of his hotel, so that she can retrieve them.

“I’m Chuck Bass.  I make weird faces, when talking on the telephone.”

Having no choice in the matter, Jenny dashes outside, ugly goth dresses under her arm, and hails a cab toward the Empire Hotel.

The Stalking Minions, of course, follow Jenny into Chuck’s Pants the Empire, and immediately report their findings back to Blair.

And she is PISSED!  Blair hightales it to Tim Gunn’s studio.  There, she plots a revenge that is SO awful, that it actually had me . . . gulp . . . FEELING BAD FOR LITTLE J!

I don’t even know who I AM, anymore!

Toward the end of Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which, admittedly, she ALREADY screwed up, by having LAME designs, and babbling on WAY TOO MUCH about her trashy personal life), she brings out the models wearing her designs.  It is at that moment that Jenny learns that Blair has somehow labeled each of them, so that they spell out the word”Whore,” in giant red letters.

(Then again . . .  it DID put some color on that bland palette of hers . . .)

Tim Gunn is APPALLED!

“I’m APPALLED!”

And so, he has no choice but to very politely ask Little J to leave  . . .

Don’t Drop the Soap!

You know what’s REALLY awkward?  When you are at prison, visiting your Psycho Sadistic Stalker Brother, who wants you to ruin the lives of your Boyfriend’s Friends — and you run into your Boyfriend, who is visiting his White-Collar Criminal / Drug Addict Dad.  I really hate it when that happens . . .

So, the above situation happens to Nate and Juliet.  Nate, for his part, is pretty cool with it — coming completely clean to Juliet about his Bad News Dad.  He also tells Juliet that he doesn’t care at all that her brother is an obvious Derelict / Threat to Society.

But then Juliet LIES ABOUT IT (even though she already basically told Nate about her brother’s “problems,” which sort of didn’t make sense).  Rather then telling the truth, Juliet makes up some lame excuse about being at the prison to teach some “literacy program” to inmates.  And then, Poor Dumb Nate offers to COME WITH HER to the class!

Awww Nate!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty . . . Because you are going to make a GREAT Trophy Husband, some day . . .

Knowing she’s not about to teach some “Fake Literacy Class” at the prison, Juliet dashes off, nervously.  Back at prison (They must have some PRETTY LENIENT policies, regarding Visiting Hours and Use of Cellphones there!), Juliet tells her Derelict Big Bro that she trusts Nate, and wants to come clean to him, about EVERYTHING.

Her brother says, “That’s cool . . . whatever.”  (And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.)

Surprise, surprise!  Just when Juliet is about to confront Nate about “EVERYTHING,” he gets a call that his father has been gang banged “jumped” at prison.  Moments later, Big Bad Ben uses his Unlimited Prison Texting Plan to text Juliet with the unoriginal, “Did you get the message?”

(Maybe that “Prison Literacy Class” wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all!)

Reverse Psychology for Dummies

Because it’s Monday, Serena is TOTALLY in love with Professor Cab Guy (just like she was TOTALLY in love with Nate .  . . and Dan . . . and Tripp . . . and Carter . . . and Aaron Rose . . . and the entire male population of Paris . . .)  But when her Mommy, Lily (she of the 18,000 marriages). . .

 . . . sees her daughter reading Professor Cab Guy’s business book, she is shocked to learn that her daughter can actually read thrilled that Serena is finally taking an interest in academics.  Serena, of course, doesn’t have the heart to tell her mother the truth — that her and her mom are EXACTLY alike — namely, Rich and Pretty but Dumb as Dog Poopy.

And so, the younger Miss van der Woodsen goes along with the ruse.  At least until this happens . . .

OOPS!

Lily, of course, is upset that her daughter is back to her Majorly Slutty ways, and can clearly give two figs about getting an education.  But . . . all hope is not lost!  Because Lily has an IDEA!

You see, she’s been looking at the pictures in reading Professor Cab Guy’s book, specifically the chapter on “Reverse Psychology,” and, doggonit, she’s going to use that on Serena!

(Riiiiiiiight, because this 40-something woman, educated at Brown, head of Bass Industries, married to millions of people dollars, has NEVER heard of or used reverse psychology before . . .)

Anyway, Lily starts telling Serena all this mean stuff, which, quite honestly is TOTALLY TRUE!  She tells Serena that Professor Cab Guy will make her rich, so she should go for it.  Plus, she’s too pretty to have to worry about “hard” mundane things like “getting an education.”  So, why bother?  Besides, Trophy Wives are AWESOME!

Serena, of course, being the Mental Midget she is, totally falls for this, and escapes the party, during Professor Cab Guy’s SUPER cheesy, “I’d give up bachelorhood for the right woman,” speech. 

Unable to resist, however, Serena visits Professor Cab Guy at his office to screw him talk.  Together, they agree that she should take Psychology of Business or Whatever, with him as teacher.  Then, when that’s all over and done with, she can finally become the Hot Trophy Wife he so desperately desires!

Love the Way You Lie . . .

When Chuck hears what happened at Jenny’s interview with Tim Gunn (which he TOTALLY orchestrated, by the way), he offers to “help” Jenny, by arranging another run in with Tim at the “Boom Boom Room,” where Blair and Co. just so happen to be.  Jenny agrees to attend. 

However, when Jenny DOES get to speak to Tim Gunn, he let’s it slip that Chuck got her the interview . . .

Infuriated that she has managed to get herself in the middle of Chuck’s and Blair’s foreplay, ONCE AGAIN, Little J fights back, by calling BOTH of their bluffs. 

“I’m BAAAACK!”

Moments later, out shoots a new Gossip Girl blast detailing just WHO exactly popped Little J’s cherry.  Chuck and Blair are, understandably, both humiliated.  (After all, who the heck would want people to know you slept with / were cheated on with an Evil Raccoon Zombie?) 

And, I have to say, it was nice to see Chuck and Blair together, on the same side, sharing the same emotion — even if it was Little J who caused it.  But then, Dan pops Little J’s Black Cloud of Joy, by informing her that just a single day on the Upper East Side has made her EVIL again.  (Not to mention, it further damaged her already miserable reputation.)

And so, Jenny decides the Upper East Side might not be the best place for her.

And yet, just when I’m ready to LITERALLY throw the book at Jenny, she has to go and say something to Chuck and Blair that (almost) changes my opinion about her in . . . gulp . . . positive way. 

“You two used to be in love.  Together, you were invincible.  Now, it is just a matter of time before your mutual destruction,” remarks a Newly Sage Jenny.

Jenny’s surprisingly wise words, strike a chord with Chuck, who visits Blair at her house that very night. 

“If we keep going like this, we are both going to end up dead,” Chuck begins.  “What happened between us . . . it was no one’s fault . . . it was fate . . . it could have been different.  We are holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  But . . . we don’t have to.  Truce?”

Chuck extends his hand to Blair.  Tentatively, she takes it.   The moment their hands touch a current of lust and electricity, rushes through both their bodies.  They hold hands for just a moment too long, staring intently at one another.   Then, they abruptly pull away . . .

The door to Blair’s apartment closes, as Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” plays in the background.  A more perfect song for this scene could not have been chosen . . .

Before I move on to the final portion of this recap, I just have two words (one a contraction) that I’d like to share with my fellow Chair fans: We’re BAAACK! 🙂

In Other News . . .

Jenny left town! 8) (for now . . .)

A tearful Juliet broke up with Nate to “save him” from the wrath of Big Bad Ben.  However, Nate wrongly assumed that Juliet dumped him, due to her embarrassment over dating a “Dude Who’s Dad’s in Prison.”  So, Nate kind of told her off.  (Not that she didn’t deserve to be told off, mind you — just . . . not for that reason.)

Oh, and THIS GUY?

He’s TOTALLY the “Big Brain” behind Juliet’s and Psycho Ben’s Stalker Games! (See, I knew nobody could REALLY like Serena for her “personality!”)

That’s all I’ve got, folks.  As for next week?  I have three words for you all: HOT . . . HATE . . . SEX!  😉

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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