Tag Archives: druid

Family Values – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Alpha Pact”

never the same stilinski stiles

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Every single one of us has two families.  We have the family into which we were born . . . our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles . . . with whom we share a genetic code and a legacy.

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

ep 8 scott and mom

argents

And we have the family we choose . . . our friends and lovers . . . with whom we share common interests, a history, and bonds of loyalty.

bloody scott

lets die together

woah shes up

tearful lyd

stalking

To each of these families we owe certain obligations.  To the former — who have given us the gift of life, and enabled our existence — we owe a duty to fight for our survival at all costs, so that we can carry on the family name, and secure its place in history, no matter how small or insignificant that place might seem to outsiders.

fall

To the latter, we owe our devotion and support.  We vow to stand by them in times of strife.  Carry them when they are weak.  Bolster them, when they are strong.  And we hope they do the same for us.

sterek comfort

“The Alpha Pact” saw each of the members of our stalwart Scooby Gang struggling to simultaneously fulfill their obligations to each of their respective families, even though those obligations seemed to be in conflict with one another.

ready to heal

This week’s “family-friendly” installment of Teen Wolf is brought to you by the letter “S” for “suicide” (sort-of) . . .

waiting to go

“sacrifice”

kidnapped dad

“sucking face”

stydia kiss 4

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Scott’s Dad” (Surprise!)

um sure ok

And, of course, “Stiles” . . .

mischeivous stiles

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty thanks to stellar screencapper Andre, who has never once tried to drown me while I was submerged in an ice bath, no matter how many times his sage veterinarian told him to do so . . .]

Rude Awakening

huh wakeup

“My new alarm clock is very aggressive.”

We begin the episode with Stiles b*tch slapping the crap out of Derek, while straddling him in the middle of an otherwise abandoned elevator . .  . or as Sterek fans like to call it . . . “foreplay.”

straddle elevator

“Doing this isn’t going to get me pregnant, is it?”

Derek wakes up just seconds before Stiles can punch him in the face . . .

ouchi punchy

 . . . which is weird, because punching people in the face is usually what you do when you want them to pass out, not wake up.  Of course, after Stiles breaks the news to Derek that his psycho girlfriend made off with his friends’ parents, Cora’s still dying, and Scott may have just decided to join Team Evil, the D-list Alpha wolf is probably wishing he had hit the snooze alarm a few more hundred times . . .

torn up derek 2

Cheer up, Der Bear!  It’s not so bad!  At least you got to get your arm fondled by Stiles in an enclosed space . . .

sterek wakeup

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big sterek

Outside the hospital, the mere sight of Allison and Chris Argent, a.k.a. the folks whose aunt / sister he killed, back when he was the Big Bad Gorilla-Looking Thing, make this little Piggy, Peter Hale, cry “wee wee wee wee wee,” all the way back to Derek’s loft.

chillin in car

“Oh hey, look, it’s Allison and Chris Argent!  Yoo-hoo, Argents!  Come meet my new pal, Peter!”

given slip

“Peter? Maybe he had to pee . . .”

If the cast of Teen Wolf were ever sorted into Hogwarts houses, Peter would totally be  the Slytherin, to Scott’s, Allison’s, and Derek’s Gryffindor, Isaac’s Hufflepuff (He IS a really good “finder.”), and Stiles’ and Lydia’s Ravenclaw.  When he’s not pumped up on Epinephrine, posing as a teen in Lydia’s hallucinations, or dressed in a gorilla suit, Peter’s a total wussy.  And I love that about him.  It’s all very Draco Malfoy . . .

beat up draco

scared peter - Copy

Sometimes bravery in the face of total and complete danger is akin to stupidity.  And  say what you will about Peter Hale.  But the dude is definitely not stupid . . . which is more than we can say for some other “braver” characters on this show .  . .

ephemeral

Speaking of Scott . . .

The Bad Dad

After waking up from his little Elevator Nap, Derek rushes to retrieve Dying Cora, so he can bring her back to his loft.  In doing so, he inadvertently abandons Stiles, who, in turn, gets to hang out in the hospital waiting room, looking broodier and sexier than we’ve seen him look in quite some time . . .

better moody stiles pic

Misery looks good on you, Sweetie.

It’s there that the unofficial Alpha of Team Human runs into This Guy . . .

scotts dad 1

We find out This Guy’s true identity soon enough.  (Hint: See the title of this section.)  However, since, at this point in the story, who he is has yet to be revealed, I’m simply going to refer to him as . . . FBI Douche.

3 7 fun police oh miss nothing

As an American viewer, I am comforted to know that if my hometown sprouted a serial killer every few months,  by the 23rd or 24th death in under a year, my government would finally care enough to send its very best douche to investigate.  That’s your proud tax dollars at work, Wolfbangers!

stydia big 2

As with most federal law enforcement guys in film and television, FBI Douche seems like he has an axe to grind with our heroes, a personal vendetta that may or may not take precedence over the case that he’s trying to solve.  Case-in-point, when the Sheriff of a town with a Dead Cop Problem, mysteriously goes missing, FBI Douche’s first instinct is to badger the guy’s teenage son about his dad’s alcohol consumption habits.

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

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FBI Douche isn’t totally useless, however.  He does reveal a heretofore unrecognized talent of our current lady killer . . .

evil jenny

Apparently, in addition to having a Magic Coochie, being capable of performing (and un-performing) plastic surgery on her face just by turning head from side to side . . .

mistletoed

 . . . forcing people to chant in Druid against their will, and causing them to experience intense hallucinations, Jenny the Darach is also a master graffiti artist . . .

taunting

Who knew?

Speaking of females with odd talents, let’s talk about Cora Hale, or, as I like to call her, The Girl Who Spewed Too Much . . .

The Lone(ly) Wolf

dying cora army

“I hate puking up black goo all the time, but it sure makes for a rocking shade of lipstick.”

Derek’s chilling in the loft with his girl Cora.  I mean, sure, he’s pretty much just letting her die, and ignoring the fact that she needs obvious medical attention.  But hey, at least he changed her out of that unflattering hospital gown, and dressed her in sexy army fatigues.  Because, really, who wants to die while wearing blue plastic?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Unfortunately for Derek, his beta boo, Isaac, doesn’t agree with me about the importance of being “fashionably dead.”  He believes Derek should do penance for his brief (and ridiculous) communion with the Evil Magic Coochie .  . .

mackin

turning on channel

“This porn is AWESOME.”

 . . . and like . . . actually try and save people and stuff . . .

isaac is mad at you

“You are way too hot to suck this bad as a half- human being.”

For me, the most interesting part of the scene is when Isaac asks Derek why he bothered to turn him, Boyd and Erika, in the first place, especially since, at least on the surface, he never seemed to have any interest at all in leading them, or even protecting them .  . .

wolf pack

wolf pack turne

It’s pretty gut wrenching when Isaac accuses Derek of turning  three innocent teens into supernatural monster killers, just because the latter wanted to have friends; and Derek doesn’t immediately disagree with his pack member’s assessment.

cowed derek thinker

the_thinker

The accusation begins to sound even worse, when you consider the fact that, had Derek not turned Boyd and Erika into werewolves, last season, they’d probably both be alive today .  . .

you are a monster

When Isaac storms off to be with his new love interests, Allison and Scott  (Can you say, “threesome”?) . . .

gotcha al

Sassy Peter magically appears to comfort his nephew.

seductive peter

“Don’t feel bad, DerBear.  Isaac isn’t abandoning you because you are a sucky leader.  He’s abandoning you because he’s bored of humping you, and wants to hump Scott and Allison.  The fact that you are a sucky leader is just an added bonus!”

Good Ole Uncle Pete . . . always managing to look on the bright side of life.

sour wolf

Peter also intimates that Derek can save Cora, by using his Alpha power to transfer her pain on to him.  But doing so could render Derek un-Alphaed, or worse dead.  Peter cleverly tries to reverse psychology his not too bright nephew into doing this, by telling him how much he shouldn’t do it, and how, by doing it, he would be playing right into Jennifer’s Darach-y hands.

peter being shady

Basically, Peter is using the old “Red Button Trick.”  You know, the one where someone tells you:  “Don’t push the red button.  It’s SOOOO COOL to push it, but totally dangerous.  So, whatever you do . . . don’t push it.  No matter how much you really, really want to . . . or that it’s the only thing you can think about right now . . . or that it seems to be your life’s mission to push that red button.  Just don’t push it.  PUSH THE RED BUTTON!    PUSH IT GOOD!  PUSH. . .  THE . . . BUTTON.  The red button is SEX.  Don’t push the red button.  Do you hear me?”

easy button

Some have speculated, based on this scene alone, that taking the Alpha status back from Derek may have been Peter’s design all along . . .the reason he’s been “hanging out” with the Scoobies, all this time.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that it was Peter and not Jenny the Darach, who poisoned Cora, for this exact reason.  I wouldn’t put it past him . . .

big prob

In other spunky relative news . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

Papa Argent attempts to reassure his daughter and Stiles, that he won’t end up tied to a big ole tree like some other parents on this show, because he has a big . . . “gun.”

phallic gun

Though he doesn’t want to be rude to his friend’s dad, Stiles is unimpressed and particularly comforted by this, basically because Stiles, himself, also has a big “gun” . . .

condom 2

condom 3

And if Stiles has a big “gun,” there’s a good chance Sheriff Stilinski has one as well.  I mean, he’s the Sheriff, right?  What’s a Sheriff, without his big “gun?”

big gun

And he still ended up tied to a tree by a girl  . . .

well this is awkward

As for Isaac, he KNOWS the size of his gun, is no match for the Argents or the Stilinskis.  But he’s got other assets to offer the ladies (and men).  For instance, he’s REALLY good with his hands . . .

bad manicure

While Stiles heads back to school to retrieve his Dead Body version of a Metal Detector, Lydia Martin, Isaac and Allison accompany Papa Argent to the vault, where he surprises the two kids by electrocuting them, and handcuffing them to a wall, respectively.

BabyScared

It turns out, Papa Argent isn’t planning on using his big gun on Jenny the Darach at all.  He’s planning to join the Parents-Tied-to-a-Tree-Party!

ready to be taken

“I make bad decisions.”

busted cool

“That’s OK.  I find incompetence a major turn-on.  It’s why I dated Derek for three episodes.”

To be honest, I’m not really sure how exactly Papa Argent thinks he’s going to save Beacon Hills, without the use of his “Big Gun,” or his “Dexterous Hands.”  But I’d really, really like to see him try .  . .

want to kiss you

ISAAC: “Would it be inappropriate for me to make out with you, right after you just found out your dad is probably going to die?”

ALLISON: “A little . . . yeah.”

hugsies is al

ISAAC: “Can I still fondle your boobs?”

ALLISON: “That would be nice.  Thanks.”

That’s right, Werebangers.  Strife brings people closer.  It reminds us that our time on Earth is limit.  It lowers our inhibitions, and forces us to seize the moment.  Which brings me to . . .

Leave Me Breathless

proud of neck scars

This sweet mother/daughter moment between Lydia, and the-mom-who-didn’t-seem-to-notice-that-her-daughter-had-a-different-strange-guy-in-her-bed-every-night-this-summer . . .

sex again

. . . is brought to you by Tampax Tampons . . .

tampon-med1

All kidding aside, I enjoyed this quiet, subtle scene.  Not only does it offer a nice bonding moment between two characters who we rarely get to see interact with one another.  It also illustrates just how far Lydia has come as a character since Season 1.

lydia brave tatikatelena

This once shallow, vain, girl, who hid her intelligence, because she thought it would make her less popular . . . who was ashamed by her connection to the dead . . . who would never be caught dead without makeup on, is now displaying the neck scars she received last week from Jenny the Darach proudly, because their existence makes her a Survivor.

proud of neck scars 2

You GO GIRL!

lydia smirk

So, of course, a new, wise and mature, Lydia needs a new, wise and mature boyfriend, am I right, ladies?

nodding oh yeah

Upon receiving an update on the first twenty minutes of the show from Stiles, Lydia decides that Jenny the Darach might have had some other reason for trying to murder her, apart from her being a banshee.  So, the pair inexplicably head off to school, to talk to Aiden?

now im pissed

straight one

Unfortunately, before they can do this, Stiles gets a text message from Isaac that Papa Argent is missing.  And that Jenny from the Block of Druids now has not one, not two, but THREE parents in her murder collection.

panic attack stiles

Oh, hello, Stiles’ Panic Attacks!  Long time, no see . . .

Lydia pulls the hyperventilating Stiles into the skanky boys locker room, in hopes that the stink of male teenage sweat will stop Stiles from breathing in through his nose so much . . . but to no avail . . .

stop the attack

“It smells like feet in here.  And I wanna die!”

Next Lydia tries the old “Think Happy Thoughts” cure.  After all, it worked for those kids in Peter Pan.  It made them fly!

calm down please

“Happy Thoughts?”

care-bear-funshine-umbrella

Unfortunately, for Stiles, his “Happy Thoughts” involve his good relationship with his dad . . . who is about to be killed . . . the girl who was going to get him laid . . . who is ALREADY DEAD . . . and his best friend . . . who just gave his soul to some guy called The Demon Wolf.

dead baby day 2

Fortunately for Lydia, Stiles has one happy thought left in his bank, that has yet to be marred by Jenny the Darach . . .

(Werebangers, if the Play button on the below video looks a little funny, it’s because I wore it out by pressing it 85,000 times this week . . .)

Let’s over-analyze this scene, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

Let’s start with Lydia . . . there are two possible ways to read her reaction to this moment.  The first is by taking her at her word.  She read somewhere that holding one’s breath stops a panic attack.  And so, in a moment of impulse, she covers Stiles’ mouth with hers, forcing him to involuntarily hold his breath . . .

trying to stop it

say what

lips mouth

But there’s something about the intense, dare I say, loving way that Lydia looks at Stiles, right before she pulls him in for the kiss that makes me think her explanation of her actions is less than truthful . . .

stydia kiss 1

(All the Stydia kiss pics in this section have been brought to you by This Awesome Tumblr)

A clinical “hold your breath” kiss would have involved a brusque and cursory pressing of Lydia’s mouth against Stiles.  But Lydia kisses Stiles slowly, caressing the sides of his face, and tilting his head upward, as she makes the connection.  When Stiles does begin to hold his breath, she doesn’t stop kissing him.  Instead, she deepens the kiss, pressing her lips against his even more intensely . . .

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

When Lydia finally pulls away from Stiles, she seems entranced by what just happened.  Upon coming to her senses, Lydia appears almost reluctant to break the connection that they shared.

stydia kiss 5

Oh yeah!  She was definitely into it!

stiles

When Lydia gives her explanation to Stiles of what just happened, the usually confident girl seems oddly timid and uncertain, like a girl who just realized she’s developed a crush on a boy she never really noticed in that way before.  She licks her lips, a clear cut sign of attraction . . . and also, coincidentally, a telltale sign that someone is telling a lie . . .

lips licking

Stiles reaction during and after the kiss is a bit more clear cut.  At first, he’s surprised . . . (after all, the kid did feel pretty much on the verge of death, about two seconds earlier) . . .

stydia kiss 2

Then he’s aroused.  I mean, here is the girl he’s been dreaming about kissing since kindergarten . . . the girl he recently accepted that he could never have, finally kissing him . . . REALLY kissing him.  And, what’s better, she seems to be just as into it, as he is . . .

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

After it’s all over, Stiles is in awe, of this beautiful, smart, strong woman, who pretty much just saved his life.  And maybe, just maybe, he’s a smidge disappointed that her explanation of the kiss was more clinical than his interpretation of it.  But that doesn’t make what she did for him any less awesome . . .

stydia kiss 6

But when Lydia jokes that Stiles should go get some help for his panic attacks from the school guidance counselor, Stiles gets an idea . . .

lightbulb-idea

And it’s right back to business as usual again for our resident Mulder and Scully . . . (sigh)

Seeing the Forest Through the Obsessive Compulsive Drawings of Trees

guidance counselor scene

“Hello, Teen Wolf Contest Winner, who has now gotten speaking lines in not one, not two, but THREE episodes, and is prominently featured in the MTV Teen Wolf after show!”

she doesn't

Seriously, I thought “Danielle” attended private school with the Dead Chick who almost screwed Stiles.  Why is she seeing the Beacon Hills Guidance Counselor?

Anywhoo, Special Guest Star brings the funny, when she quickly cedes her therapy session with the Missing Ms. Morrell to Stiles and Lydia, upon learning from Lydia’s files that she’s a freak of nature who obsessively draws creepy looking trees all over all her notebooks, rather than ever doing any actual school work . . .

looking at the trees

And yet she still gets straight A’s!  Now that’s impressive!

That’s when Stiles figures out that what Lydia is actually drawing is the Nemeton, i.e. the root cellar where all the TV parents are now being kept . . . i.e. the place where Derek killed Paige.

root cellar

smush

In other words, Jenny the Darach didn’t try to kill Lydia, because she’s a banshee.  She tried to kill her because she saw her drawing the one key piece of information that, if exposed, could cause all of the Darach’s plans to go up in smoke . . .

jenny

So, Stiles sends Lydia off to give Derek this important information, while he heads off to distract FBI Douche.

Awkward Encounters

That’s right, FBI Douche.  Stiles’ dad is missing.  And all his friends didn’t show up at school today.  So, you should totally let him go off with the strange gentleman, who is creepily lurking around the school, at the exact moment when this clearly fragile teenage boy needs a place to stay . . .

talking to scotts dad

ill take him

“I like emotionally fragile teenage boys!”

Well, FBI Douche.  The good news is that no one would ever accuse you of being a good guardian.  That means you are totally safe from Jenny the Darach . . .

um sure ok

“Season 3B, here I come!”

Deaton has an idea as to how the Scooby Gang might be able to save their parents.  But, surprise, surprise.  They are going to need Scott for help.

Meanwhile, downtown . . .

me

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Peter was hoping he wouldn’t run into Lydia again, until he found a Hallmark card to send her that says, “Sorry I mind controlled you into trying to kill all your friends, and then pretended to be a teenager, so you’d make out with my grimy corpse.”

As instructed, Lydia tells Derek and Peter about the root cellar.  Unfortunately, thanks to a nice little neck rub they got from Mommy Dearest, Talia, both werewolves have conveniently forgotten its location  . . .

memory removal

Hale Fail #247 . . .

Over in a forest somewhere . . .

Mountain ASSSSSHHHHHH 2: Electric Boogaloo

making mountain ash

mountain ash

If I had one gripe about this otherwise pretty flawless episode it would involve this scene . . . you know, the one where Scott has supposedly made the hugely dangerous decision to join Deucalion’s Alpha Pack, in order to save his mom . . .

standing around with scott

“I’m a bad guy now . . .”

 . . . and that Big Sacrifice seems to mainly involve standing around in a forest with the villains for a few minutes, while they fail to kill Mrs. Morell.  And then going right back to Deaton and his Scooby Gang . . .

ephemeral

You were fun, while you lasted, Random Plot Twist!

But hey, at least now Kali, and the Alphas know that Deucalion was the one who actually killed Ennis!  That ought to . . . have no impact on the plot, whatsoever . . .

dying ennis

cave painting ennis

“But I was such a good artist!”

The Circle of Life . . . and Death

There’s this old movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the old grandpa believes, for some reason, that the World’s problems can be solved, by merely spraying some Windex on them . . .

put windex on it

I feel like that’s how Deaton feels about ice baths . . . Isaac lost his memory?

see me 2

Try an ice bath!  Stiles’, Scott’s, and Allison’s parents may be murdered by an Evil Darach?

cold stiles

Let’s put them all on ice!

1 19 getting colder

Now, while logically, I think the idea of surrogate sacrifices brought on by near death experiences is a TERRIBLE IDEA, I must say that it made for an incredibly poignant way to end the penultimate episode.  Let’s see . . . there was the ominous warning, that, not only will temporary death cause Allison, Stiles and Scott pretty much permanent emotional damage, it will also open up Beacon Hills as a Hell Mouth for every Big Bad in the world recently kicked out of Sunnydale, who is looking for a place to commit carnage . . .

pensive stiles

There was the ritualistic offering up of Totems to represent the deep bonds that exist between each parent and child . . .

items of value

sheriff badge

There was the part where Matchmaker Deaton outed Stiles and Lydia, and Allison and Isaac as future lovers, by pairing them together in the sacrifice, and basically left poor Scott out in the lonely cold . . . literally . . .

guess we are in love

jelly at is

And then, if that wasn’t enough, right when they are all on ice, ready to die, Stiles reveals to the audience that FBI Douche is actually Scott’s dad, who is officially back in town . . .

surprised-face

burgle

Yikes!  When the promos said that this season of Teen Wolf might hurt, they weren’t kidding!

glurg

*gurgle gurgle*

tsst

*tssssssst*

P.S. Derek just un-Alphaed himself to save Cora.  How do ya like them apples, Peter?

ready to heal

veiny

He really ought to consider doing something about those varicose veins . . .

red eye der

blue eye der

smirky peter

Next week, on the season finale of Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Alien versus Predator – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Overlooked”

Alien v. PredatorPitting two well-established super villains against one another is a tantalizing prospect for any horror series writer (copyright permitting, of course).  For one thing, it pretty much guarantees that your story will have double the body count, and triple the gore factor, of any single-villain horror tale.  For another, it gives you the opportunity to try your hand at answering a question over which fanboys and comic book nerds, the world over, have been arguing for decades: Which Bad Ass, is Badder Ass?  Whose Super Villain is the Super Villainiest One of All?

werewolves not bond villains

Of course, there are drawbacks to this type of story (as anyone who has ever seen Freddy versus Jason or Alien versus Predator will tell you).  For one thing, in a tale of two antagonists, its hard to find a character to root for.  And this makes the ultimate conclusion of the Battle Royale seem somehow less important.  In fact, there’s probably a part of you that’s hoping the two villains will BOTH blow one another away, simultaneously, just to put the nameless, faceless victims of the story out of their misery.  For another, having your Big Bad get its ass handed to it by another Big Bad emasculates it, making all of its Evil Deeds seem just a smidge less impressive in hindsight.

ep 12 sayonara alpha

“Now, you tell me.”

Such are the benefits and drawbacks of “The Overlooked,” an episode, which was undoubtedly action packed . . .

ouchi punchy

. . . and yet, in pitting the Alpha Pack against The Darach, inadvertently relegated Scott and his Scooby Gang to supporting character roles in their own story.

robin all the time

And yet, despite its flaws, the episode did feature some spectacular acting by Dylan O’Brien, a cool heroic turn by Mama McCall, and a crazy-action sequence featuring none other than a “chemically-enhanced” version of PETER HALE!

neede in self

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So, shoot yourself up with some epinephrine, warm up the crash cart, and hide your ambulance keys from the Barefoot Lady, because it’s time to check in on “The Overlooked.”

lets rumble

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[As always, special thanks to Andre, the wisest, most talented screencapper in all the land, who, just like the rest of us, desperately hopes not to be unconscious the next time Stiles’ lips find his mouth .  . .]

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy 1

The trouble with Druids is that their ritual sacrificing of people who fall into stereotypical categories really tends to f*&k with Mother Nature.  And when Mother Nature gets f*&ked she liked to f*&k back.  And so we open the episode with one of those freak storms that only seem to take place in television series.  You know . . . the ones with torrential downpours from which no one ever seems to get wet, unless it’s plot convenient for them to do so?

care-bear-funshine-umbrella

Anywhoo Freak!Storm appears to be causing some trouble at everyone’s favorite hospital.  So, it’s up to Mama McCall to tell everyone how to do their jobs . . . which makes sense, since she seems to be the only one who actually works there . . .

i run this town

“I really don’t get paid enough for this sh*t.”

I like how that random George Costanza from Seinfeld-looking doctor KNOWS that he’s left his patient Cora Hale (a.k.a the only chick in the world for whom one of the symptoms of having a concussion is spewing black tar on the floor at regular five-minute intervals) to die in an abandoned hospital. And he doesn’t really give two craps about it, because his recently remodeled basement at home might be flooded . . .

george cost

seinfeld

Dear Cora,

George Costanza doesn’t care about you . .  .

Love,
Teen Wolf

I’m no medical expert, but I’d think in most flooded hospitals, the near-death black-goo pukers would be the first to be evacuated, no?

blargh

black crap spew

“I should really stop eating liquorice . . .”

Speaking of black goo pukers?  Don’t you just hate it when their existence inadvertently causes you to awkwardly run into your sociopathic ex boyfriend, who once turned your son into a werewolf, and who used to occasionally wander around killing people in what sort of looked like a mutant gorilla suit?

how strong

happy mom

“Hey, remember how you took me out for dinner at The Olive Garden, and then told my son you would eat my face off?  Good times!”

Damn you, Cora Hale!  You ruin everything, including recently washed floors . . .

Relationship Dealbreakers

kissy kiss

“Just because I murdered a third of your town, and occasionally look like Lord Voldemort, doesn’t mean you should stop rubbing my Magic Coochie for good luck . . .”

Sensing that she’s about to get dumped by the guy with the best abdominals in Beacon Hills, Jenny the Darach teeters into Derek Hale’s loft, wearing the least sensible shoes for a triple-human sacrifice I have ever seen . . .

running in

“Beauty is painful .  . .  coincidentally, so is getting murdered by me.”

(Seriously girl!  Your garroting forty-somethings, not walking the runway on America’s Top Model.  Get yourself a nice pair of comfy flats from Payless.  And call it a day.  Simple shoes would probably clash less with your “murder face” anyway . . .)

darach

stiles grossed out

Anywhoo, Jenny is trying to tell Derek that, regardless of what his high school friends might tell him, she does not occasionally sport a face that looks like cottage cheese with strawberries mashed in it.  (It’s impolite for a male to comment on how a female looks without makeup, anyway, right?)  Oh, and the whole “Multiple Murderer Thing”? That’s a lie too . . .

Unfortunately for Jenny, Scott and Stiles get to the loft first.  And they are about to SERIOUSLY ruin Jenny’s chances of ever using her magic coochie on the brooding Alpha Wolf again.

crying stiles

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you are a monster

splash

“Say hello to My Little Mistletoe!”

mistletoed

“I’m melting . . . I’m melting!”

To say Derek doesn’t take the news of his girlfriend’s supernatural plastic surgery well is an understatement . . .

my girlfriend is not hot

strnagle

You mean you are UGLY?  How DARE you try to seduce me with Magic Coochie?  Derek Hale doesn’t date Ugly People . . . only Attractive Sociopaths.

The only thing that keeps Derek from squeezing Jenny’s neck until her faux-pretty little head pops off of it, is Stiles’ tearful plea that they let her help him locate his missing father . . .

wheres my dad

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See?  Derek does care about Stiles, even though the writers sometimes seem to forget this . . .

stiles father

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But first, there’s the little matter of Cora and her “Black is the New Brown” vomit, which just so happens to be caused by . . . wait for it . . . mistletoe.

Saving Cora Hale . . . Fail.

The Scooby Crew heads to the hospital with the Worst English Teacher Ever(!) and Derek in one car, and Scott and Stiles bringing up the rear.  (Yes, I intentionally made that sound dirty.).

big sterek 2

Jenny continues to try to explain herself to Derek, not realizing that the WORST way to get to Derek’s heart is by talking.  I mean, this is a guy who considers three successive grunts a dramatic monologue . . .

your sister 2

your sister 3

your sister 4

In the other car, Stiles notes that Jenny seems a bit too calm for a woman recently exposed as the second coming of Lord Voldemort.  He doesn’t trust her.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Well good.  At least someone on this show is still using their brain as something other than a mushy substance inside your head that keeps your ears warm.

nice try bat boy

On second thought . . .

When the gang arrives at the hospital, it’s raining.  And no one has an umbrella.  But only Stiles’ hair seems to actually get wet . . .  Perhaps, all supernatural creatures come installed with their own internal blow dryers . . .

all in elevator

Speaking of supernatural weapons, I particularly enjoy the scene in the elevator, where everyone is trying to put on their best Menacing Game Faces.  It’s a good thing Scott’s mom leaves her bat in the back seat of their car, otherwise human Stiles would probably have to use his wet t-shirt as a weapon.  That would be just awful, wouldn’t it? 😉

wet stiles

The crew arrives at Cora’s hospital room to find it empty . . .

surprised-face

Then Peter slides in with a Very Special Announcement . . .

big prob

You’ve really got to hand it to Peter Hale.  He may no longer look like a big scary gorilla.  But the dude still knows how to make an entrance . . .

ep 6 alpha

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time for another brawl between our Scooby Gang, and  . . . that Shrek-Looking Thing that Used to be Ethan and Aiden . . ..

offended shrek

“What happened to my second pair of pants?”

Scott, being Scott, tries to appeal to the Massively Large lunk’s human side.  “Ethan / Aiden STOP!”  He cries.

lets talk about our feelings

“Let’s talk about how strangling me makes you feel?”

shrek fight

“What the f*&k is wrong with this kid?”

But it’s not really Scott their after . . . at least not this time .  . . it’s Lord Voldemort-ette Jenny!

jenny

Don’t get them wrong, the Scooby Gang would love to see Jenny dead too.  But that would put a big red X on their plan to rescue Stiles’ dad from potential Druid Sacrifice . . .

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Unfortunately, this little friendly exchange between wolves gives the Druid just enough time to escape.

draco malfoy facepalm

But wait!  Here comes Foot Fungus Lady, and her Blind Friend Who Talks Too Much!  It’s like a supernatural Teen Wolf villain reunion!

heard party

If only Kanaima Jackson was here, we could throw a Party of Evil!

half kanaima jack

Kali tries to attack Jenny in the elevator.  So Jenny, forgetting Kali is a woman (a common mistake on this show) attempts to defeat her by giving her blue balls . . .

tries to get in

evil jenny

blue balls

throw blue ball

Outside on the hospital floor, Mama McCall runs into Deucalion, and instantly calls him out as “The Bad Guy.”

him

him 2

him 3

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If this was a sitcom, a comment like that would make Mama McCall adorable and hilarious.  It would also probably garner her a Big Bad Boyfriend . . .

ep 10 yay mom

But because this is a teen horror show, a comment like that wins Mama McCall nothing but a giant nametag on her back that says, “Hello, my name is: Your Next Victim.”

killing mom softly

“If this is your idea of foreplay, it sucks.

Bad Medicine

how strong

neede in self

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And the award for Best Non-Medical Use of Epinephrine in a Television Series goes to . .  .

Reunited with Jenny, the Scooby Crew begins in-fighting about what exactly they should do with her.

jenny

scoobs

Peter advocates torture.  Now THAT would have been fun to watch.  Scott advocates ceding to her demands.  (Typical Scott . . .)

teen wolf 12 eye roll

“True Alphas are SUCH a pain in the ass . . .”

Stiles is just pissed at Derek for once again letting his weiner cause him to f*&k things up so royally.

about to kiss

“If you were gay, like half the fandom wanted you to be, none of this would have happened, Derek.”

But wait . . . there’s another problem.  Now, Deucalion has Scott’s mom!  Surprise!

BabyScared

There you go, Scott.  The time has come to let all your friends know what a Special Snowflake you truly are . . .

already an alpha

The crew ultimately decides to help Jenny escape the Alpha Pack, in hopes that she will return the favor by saving Stiles’ dad from Jenny-cide, and Cora from Black Goo-icide.  But first they have to get past Shrek Thing.  And as Special a Snowflake as Scott might be, he’s not yet special enough to battle two boys who inexplicably insist on wearing one pair of pants.

growling

So, Peter and Scott decide to do what all their favorite former American baseball heroes do, they use performance enhancing drugs.  Boys and Girls, DO NOT try this at home . . .

epinephrine

in chest

growling 2

Though, Scott and Peter end up getting their asses kicked AGAIN, by the Alphas, at least the diversion they create in doing so, is enough for the rest of the gang and Jenny Darach to get out of the hospital and into the ambulance that could transport Cora Drools-A-Lot to safety.

safety

“I’ve decided I’m going to lose my virginity in the back of an ambulance with my comatose sort-of girlfriend.  When this ambulance is a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin!”

There’s just one problem: The ambulance driver is somewhat “indisposed.”

dead amb

“Someone call 911!  Oh, wait .  . . I AM 911.  Crap!”

And Foot Fungus Lady took his keys.

got keys

(Well, technically,  I guess that’s two problems.)

Vomiting Black Goo 2: Electric Boogaloo

stora

“You know, you’re a lot nicer to me than my other crush, Lydia.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you’re always unconscious.”

Back in the abandoned ambulance, Cora has stopped breathing, so Stiles decides to make out with her . . .

make out stora

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Part of me kept waiting for Cora to spew black goo in Stiles’ mouth.  Talk about a mood killer!  Instead, she coughs a bit, and goes back to bed . . . ALIVE.

cough

This proves that Jenny the Darach isn’t the only character on this show with magic . . . um . . . lips.  (Yeah, I went there.)

Stiles warns Cora that the next time he rapes her face, she sure as heck better be awake to enjoy it.

lips mouth

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If that was a comment on Stiles’ Facebook page, Lydia would not “like this.”

lyd screams

You’ve been MISTLETOED!

Speaking of romance, back in the hospital Derek and Jenny find themselves trapped in an elevator, because Deucalion forced his hostage, Mama McCall, to flip off the power switch in the hospital . . .

trapped in elevator

3 1 always horny imperial bedrooms

Be strong Derek.  Every time your weiner wants to bone her, just remind yourself that beneath the modelesque facade, she’s really Lord Voldemort in lipstick, and a pair of skinny jeans . . .

sad derek hearing

darach

“Kiss me, baby.”

Since they appear to have some Time to Kill (bad choice of words?), Jenny decides to enlighten Derek with her Origin Story.

talking to derek

(Question: Why, in this day and age, must every super villain require an Origin Story?  Sometimes, I miss the Olden Days, when villains just magically appeared, did a bunch of awful sh*t for no logical reason whatsoever, and then died horrible deaths.)

ep 12 dead kate

Jenny Blake used to be Julia Baccari, an emissary of Foot Fungus Lady, who the latter liked a bit too much to murder out-right.  So, she merely burned her face beyond all recognition and left her to die.  How sweet!

sad kali

“In my emissary’s honor, I vow never to wear shoes or cut my toenails again.”

Fortunately, Foot Fungus just so happened to not-kill Julia right next to the Magical! Tree (i.e. the “Nemeton”) where Derek’s first lovey dovey Paige croaked, a few months early.  Basically, it was the blood of Derek’s virginal girlfriend, dripped onto this magical tree, that gave Julia Baccari the power to become Lord Voldemort.

dying julia

BEFORE

voldemort

AFTER

In other words, pretty much everything awful that happened to anybody this entire season is Derek Hale’s fault.  Nice going, Hot Stuff!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Then, Jenny starts waxing poetic about this mythological crap, and I start to zone out a bit . . .

4 10 nod off

But then I force myself to listen, because I know you guys are more intellectual than I am, and actually care about this stuff . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

Now, in defense of Haley Webb, I should mention that, as much as I bitched about her character, early on in the series, she makes a pretty captivating villain.  Delivery of this particular monologue would have died on the lips of some.  But Haley really brought it to life.  She actually made me give a sh*t about Mistletoe.  And for that, I salute her . . .

blah blah blah

“Blah, blah, blah, I’m an evil psychopath with feelings . .  blah.”

bored by story

*crickets*  “Did someone say pizza?  All this talk about murdered ugly people is making me hungry . . .”

So, here’s the story.  This guy Balder was a hot God, who all the male Gods wanted to befriend and protect, and all the female Gods wanted to bone . . .

BalderAll this attention Balder was receiving royally pissed off Loki from The Avengers . . .

loki

Balder kind of looks like Thor.  Why does everyone who is better than me look like Thor?”

smash 2

 . . . who, despite being the god of Mischief (which is pretty much the coolest thing ever to be the god of, with the exception, perhaps, of being the god of Sex), seemed pretty much destined to be the Jan Brady of the gods, in a world of “Marcia, Marcia, Marcias” . . .

marcia marcia marcia

So, he follows Balder’s mom, when she’s going on this journey to make all the world’s natural weapons promise not to “hurt” Balder, finds the one potential weapon mom forgot, and promptly uses it to kill the Poor Unfortunate Thor-Lookalike.  That weapon?  You guessed it . . . mistletoe.

mistletoe kisses

puking danny

Now, I don’t know about you.  But if I had a kid, and someone killed him using a type of tree branch, the last thing I would want to do, is hang that tree branch over my door, and makeout with people under it, for the rest of eternity . . . That just seems really morbid to me . . .

jaws of death

It’s also pretty much ruined mistletoe for me, forever.  So, thanks Teen Wolf!

hate you so much

So, how does this relate to old Jenny from the Tree Block?  Well, basically she considers the emissaries murdered by the Alphas in their Alpha Pack to be like mistletoe, because both parties were overlooked, and underestimated.

small_violin

The world’s smallest violin plays for Evil Jenny . . .

Personally, I don’t like the analogy.  You know who I think is “overlooked,” Jenny Dearest?  All those innocent virgins, and sweet woodland creatures, you murdered just so your face wouldn’t look like 100 slugs died on it . .  that’s who!

dead heather

“I could have been laid by Stiles Stilinski, and his extra large weiner.  Instead, I’m sitting here on a mortuary slap.  Thanks a lot, Jenny from the Tree!”

Jenny also casually mentioned that a Lunar Eclipse is coming up.  Apparently, Lunar Eclipses make werewolves lose all their magical powers.

full moon

Hooray for Team Human!

moon face

moon face 2

Oooh, wait . . . Jenny the Darach is happy about this too. .  . This can’t be good.

evil english

We interrupt this Lesson in Norse Mythology, to bring you MAMA MCCALL BEING AWESOME, AND ELECTROCUTING SHREK WITH A CRASH CART . . .

electrocute

electrifying

Apparently, Deucalion set her free.  This lady may have just officially become my favorite TV mom of all time . . .

A Deal with the Devil(s)

The Argents and Isaac finally arrive at the hospital, and plot with the Scooby Gang to free Jenny from the wrath of the Alphas.  When, Papa Argent asks the crew to describe Jenny Blake, he describes her as “dark hair, kind of hot,” to which Allison responds.  “Hey, I have brown hair and am kind of hot too!”  (It’s always good to be humble Allison.)

arrogant allison

And so, a plan was born . . .

lightbulb-idea

Basically, the plan involves Allison impersonating Jenny to draw the Alpha’s out of hospital  . . .

running as jenny

watching her

ETHAN: “She’s dark haired and hot.  But is she Evil Druid Cougar Hot?  Or Age Appropriate Werewolf Hunter Hot?”

AIDEN: “I don’t know.  I couldn’t stop staring at her boobs.”

alli

shooting

“Once again, I waste lots of bullets, and hit absolutely no one . . . This is my design.”

missed us

“Kiss my dirty, fungus-ridden feet, Argents!”

 . . . while Mama McCall turns the hospital power back on, to get the elevator . . .

turn back on power

“Is it weird that I’m finding this erotic?  I really need to get laid?”

 . . . where Jenny and Derek are currently trapped, working again.  Isaac and Peter will drive the getaway car.

driving getaway car

Scott will stand around looking confused.  And Stiles will look nervous and teary-eyed, because the writers know he’s super sexy when he cries.

mopey stiles - Copy

The plan works!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But, of course, there’s a problem . . .

sad stiles

Remember how the Darach was looking for “Guardians” to fill her collection of human sacrifice stereotypes?  Well, apparently Mama McCall and Papa Stilinski both fit that bill.

verbal keyboard smash

The minute the elevator starts working again, Jenny goes all Cottage Cheese Face on Derek’s ass, and disappears into the night, taking Scott’s mom with her Ugly Ass . . .

ugly face

passed out

“Elevator music makes me sleepy.”

And that’s when Scott, bereft of hope, and severely lacking in creativity, dejectedly decides to accept Deucalion’s offer to join his pack, if only so he can save his, and his best friend’s parental unit.

made the pact

Stiles, understandably is crushed.  Scott is crushed.  Jenny’s face is crushed.

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

But no matter how miserable these folks are, no one is having as bad a day as Mama McCall and Papa Stilinski

The Tree of Life . . . and Death

stuck on nemeton

Hello, Teen Wolf Parental Units, welcome to your new home at Magical!Tree.  Relax, enjoy yourselves, and PREPARE TO DIE!

well this is awkward

“This is pretty much the most awkward date I have ever been on.”

sadly

“I wish I could say the same.  But I once went on a pity date with Gerard Argent.”

funny face grandpa

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

you just don't believe

don't believe 2

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We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

stydia big 2

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

my hero

stiles with wolf hat

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

stiles sad 3

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

ephemeral

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

die in blinkin8

sour wolf

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

boyd kicking ass

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

dead baby day 1

dead baby day 2

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

hello my name is

unfortunate plot device

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

hello my name is 2

less of a

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

there again

red herring

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

1_kate

big bad

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

feety

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

dumb girl

no no on

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

dead shelf

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

dead shelf killer

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

draco malfoy facepalm

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

find the body

the effing angel of death

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

found the body

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

wheres waldo

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

mopey stiles - Copy

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

allison twirly stiles pls

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

Dexter-dexter-26095020-1280-800

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

argents

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

hump hump d

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

vulnerable isaac

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

isaac

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

kissy face alissac

looking at you

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

knifepoint

straddle hump

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Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

guardians

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

soap dish smash

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

dont do it

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

another shot of danny

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

dethan

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

blue balls

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

grotesque-forward-walking-spanner-crab1

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

exposition

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

the bitches of the pack

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

offended shrek

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

stefan shrug

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

destroyer of worlds

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

picture of the wolf

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

donald trump you're fired

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

mackin la

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

artwork by cora

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

whats that

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

you die

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

thwack

ouchie

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

now im pissed

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

see me 2

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

dennifer

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

lyd screams

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

talk to hot english

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the body

the Darach .  . .

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

cool dad

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

argent chris

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

machine_gun_cat

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

sheriff pic

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

teen wolf chess

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

heart wrench

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

woozy

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

mom would have

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

stiles-15

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

smash 2

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

birds

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

guilty brother

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

memorial concert 2

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

breath mint

Source

puking danny

Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

playing music

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

swear i will

hands

Source

Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

right now

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

evil english

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

mackin

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

darach

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

torn up derek 1

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

ep 5 running derek

let me love you

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

scary derek

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

ep 5 kate der

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

hot trainer der

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

lyd screams

naked lydd

ep 5 screaming lyd

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

grabbing her

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

bad chant

dying teacher

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

made out with darach

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

knifed dad

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

poor stilesy

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Road to Perdition – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Frayed”

help me

“Sweet English Teacher, I have decided to show my love to you by finger painting on your car.”

omg

“Life is a journey, not a destination,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

school bus

Who knew Emerson was a fan of Teen Wolf?

the wheels on the bus

“The wheels on the bus go round and round.  Round and round.  Round and round.  The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town!  Come on, Scott, sing it with me!  The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish . . .”

In “Frayed,” the Scooby Gang had two destinations they needed to reach, before the end of the hour.  There was the literal destination of the Lacrosse Cross Country(?) meet, and the more abstract destination of “Derek’s Death,” an event with which the writers mercilessly teased us throughout the episode.

dancing derek and ennis

“Recapper say WHAT?”

If the success of “Frayed” merely depended on the characters reaching their respective destinations, it would been a HUGE failure.

failing awkward jawline thewinchestrs - Copy

After all, the Scooby Gang never actually made it to the Lacrosse Cross Country(?) Meet.  And, as most of us suspected early on in the episode, Derek didn’t actually die . . . at least not literally.

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

But “Frayed” wasn’t really about these destinations at all!  Rather, it was about the journeys each of the characters took in reaching them.  It was about Allison and Derek being forced to choose between “family” and pack . . . Derek’s fall from grace, in the eyes of both his enemies and his allies . . . Scott’s begrudging embrace of his “Destiny” . . . Stiles’ impressive, and much coveted, ability to make his teammates vomit on cue . . .

mischeivous stiles

So, pop a couple Dramamine, and keep your eye on the horizon.  Because we are in for a bumpy recap ride . . .

drive away - Copy

As always, special thanks to my super talented, kickass screencapper Andre.  He’s the kind of stand-up guy you could definitely trust to stitch up your psychologically-induced mortal stomach wounds with a knitting needle in a public restroom .  . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

[WARNING: The non-linear structure of this episode made for a really unique and exciting viewing experience.

Unfortunately, it also made it a b*tch to recap.

verbal keyboard smash

I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should review the various scenes from the episode in the order in which they appeared on screen, or stick to a more “chronological” form of recap.  Ultimately, I opted for the latter.  Hopefully, it all ends up making some sort of sense . . .]

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

PART I- THE DEATH(?)  OF DEREK HALE

Getting Handsy

One of the benefits of recapping this episode chronologically, is that I get to start my recap with a sex scene.  And you all know how much I love my sex scenes . . .

sex again - Copy

sex me now

Apparently, so does Lydia . . . which is fitting, because she’s the only one on this show, who seems to be getting any action, these days.

awesome lyd pic

lydia smirk

Well  . . . that’s not true.  I assume Danny is getting some action.  He has seemed a bit . .  .um .  . . happier lately.  You know what they say . . . once you go Alpha . . .

ep 10 shirtless danny

another shot of danny

Source

ill do it

Lydia is in some  abandoned classroom getting fondled by Aiden.  But while the dude may be an Alpha in a brawl or on the cross country field, he’s clearly a Beta, when it comes to boning.

doing

put someplace useful

Source

humpty

I mean, honestly, you would think a guy who spent his entire childhood fisting his brother would be able to come up with more inventive ways to use his hands than boring butt squeezes.  Isn’t he supposed to be like a Top, or something?

3 14 up the butt kmcgeezy

Then again, perhaps I have this whole Fused Being concept all wrong.  Maybe the fusing happens up the center of the body, instead of across its middle.  This would mean that Aiden and Ethan actually only have experience using one hand a piece (not to mention the fact that they each only possess half a brain).

twins - Copy

Of course, it’s possible that Aiden was just trying to be a gentleman, by not getting too handsy with his new girlfriend .  . .

nodding oh yeah

Nahhhhh .  . .

As for Lydia, I may be a traitor to my sex, by saying this, but I kind of like that she’s become a bit more . . . ummmm . . . loose.

teach - Copy

At first, when Lydia started sleeping around this season, I worried that the writers would subtly chastise the character for it, by inferring that this is her “unhealthy” way of coping with Jackson’s departure.

distraction - Copy

But, actually, that doesn’t seem to be the case at all!  Lydia’s sexuality doesn’t come from a needy place.  She’s empowered by it!  As far as I’m concerned, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an intelligent, strong-willed woman, who loves sex, for sex’s sake . . . a woman who understands instinctively that sometimes a non-sexual relationship (like the one she has developed with Stiles . . . so far) can be even more personal and meaningful than a sexual one.

lydia brave tatikatelena

If she was a guy, we’d call her a stud.

stydia big 2

Speaking of studs and empowered females  . . .

Getting Handy 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Did you know Allison and her dad ditched the home they had just moved into less than a year ago, in favor of a swanky apartment, this season?

trademark scott face

Me neither . . .

I love when Teen Wolf surprises us with little changes like this . . . like when the entire Lacrosse Team magically morphed into a Cross Country Team, without anyone noticing .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Anywhoo, Scott pays Allison a visit at her new apartment to slap her on the wrist for using Derek and Co’s Brilliant Beta Trapping Scheme last week, as an excuse to live out her lifelong dream of becoming Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games.

scolding - Copy

Allison blithely shrugs off the scolding, Scott having lost his Disciplinarian Daddy Privileges the day the two “former” lovers agreed to admire one another from afar for a few episodes“see other people.”

sassy allison

“Bark your commands to Isaac, Scott. This little lady is not your b*tch anymore.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Scott tries another tactic.  He dusts of that old high school flirting trick, where guys manipulate girls into wrestling with them by bragging about how much stronger than them they are . .  .

foreplay

remember sex

good sexx

Word to the wise guys, us ladies are well aware of this trick.  And any girl who seems to be falling or it, is only doing so because she wants to manhandle you just as much as you want to manhandle her.

more battle

As for Allison  . .  . she REALLY wants to manhandle Scott . . .

look sexy 2342342

Mere seconds later, Allison and Scott are going at it like . . . well .  . . a couple of wolves.  And for all my jab at Scott’s milquetoasty take on heroism, it must be said . . . this guy is much more inventive with his hands than Alpha Aiden.

wolf sex

So, you know how, back when we were kids, our mom’s would always say to their kids, “It’s all fun and games, until someone pokes an eye out?”

eye patch

Well, foreplay with a teen wolf is all fun and games until you accidentally sprain your wrist, during a failed attempt at doggystyle.

doggy style - Copy

Oops . . . it looks like someone doesn’t know his own strength.  Talk about killing the mood.

buzzkilled - Copy

*licking wounds*

scott wolf

blue balls

Speaking of mood killers . .  .

There goes the neighborhood . . .

Have you ever run into someone on the elevator, who you REALLY didn’t want to talk to?

awkward peg

awkward post sex

Of all the high rises in Beacon Hills, apparently Deucalion the Demon Wolf, and his Alpha Pack decided to move in right above the Argents.  What are the odds, right?

deucalion in elevator

elevator encounter

“Dammit!  I knew I should have taken the stairs.”

Perhaps, this building has the most lenient policy on pets?  (It sure beats living in an abandoned bank.)

You know what bugs me about Deucalion?  He talks too damn much.

demon wolf

destroyer of worlds

2 16 damon says stop talking

All these ponderous speeches to Scott, Derek, and anyone else who will listen about “living up to one’s true potential,” and this guy is starting to sound like a motivational speaker gone postal . . . No wonder it only takes a few minutes in the elevator with This Guy for Scott to decide he wants to kick his ass . . .

bad scott

Kick his ass . . . but not kill him . . . yet.

Scott rushes off to Derek’s digs to tell him about Deucalion’s new homestead, only to learn that this news is SOOOOOO yesterday!

studying

“Bored now . . .”

He finds the Hales .  . . and Boy . . . pouring over the floor plans to Allison’s apartment complex.  (These guys seem to just magically have floorplans to building in Beacon Hills.)  It seems Derek has decided to put down the Deuce and his pesky minions the following night!

going to die

Killjoy Scott thinks this is a bad idea.  But no one with the last name Hale gives a sh*t what Scott thinks, not even Sassy Peter . . . who has the coolest Alpha form of the whole bunch, but still never fights with the pack, for reasons that haven’t yet been explained . . .

ep 7 alpha gym

“I’d love to help you kill your enemies today.  But, unfortunately, I’m already scheduled for a mani-pedi.”

That reminds me, we still have yet to see Deucalion’s Alpha form . . . possibly because it looks something like this . . .

BARNEY

I’d be embarrassed too!

Back at La Casa de Argents, Allison wants her dad to help her stick some phallic objects in some Alpha wolves, for old times sake.  But Papa Argent echoes Scott’s sentiments of non-violence, even if it leads to the entire cast of the show being murdered by a blind guy who talks WAY too much . . .

talking with daddy

Now, that’s just cold . . .

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting . . .

The following night . . . at least . . . I think it was the following night.  Scott makes some awkward comments to Isaac about going out for “Mexican,” and it totally seems like  Euphemism for sex . . .

whovian182

“I would very much like to put my chimichanga in your burrito.”

Especially, when the scene directly following this conversation features the two bromantic buddies snuggling up to one another on Scott’s motorcycle . . .  (Sounds like another happy couple we know . . .)

klefan

Fun fact . . . Scott is officially the third person to whom Isaac has snuggled close on a motor bike.  In other words, Isaac is a TOTAL motor bike whore!

isaac

Arriving at some weird warehousey place (with two randomly placed escalators to nowhere?) that may or may not be part of the Argents’ apartment complex, Scott warns Isaac that he is just there to “talk” to Deucalion . . . not fight him . . . or kill him . . .

eye roll jackson

“‘Just talk’ to the self-proclaimed Destroyer of Worlds.  That sounds like a great idea!” Said nobody ever.

the deuce

“Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah blah blah blah blah . . . DEMON WOOLLLLLLF!”

Plus, the last thing we need is to listen to Deucalion talk more  . . .

Fortunately, it’s a trap/ ambush!  Derek’s pack pops up, seemingly out of nowhere.  And the Alpha Pack follows shortly thereafter!

i want you

i want you too

Let’s get this party started!

kung fu fighting - Copy

Cue the pop music and wolf outs all around.  It’s pretty much your garden variety gang fight amongst hairy teens . . . But then this happens . . .

alpha closeup

BabyScared

That’s right, boys and girls, drop kicking Ennis gave Scott a temporary case of the Red Eyes . . . the Alpha Red Eyes.  Don’t worry, Scott.  No need to embrace your destiny just yet.  A little Visine will clear that eye problem right up!

visine

The writers aren’t quite clear on what it was about this specific moment of fighting that made Scott “go Alpha.”  I mean, sure, the drop kick was a cool move, I guess.  But last I checked to become an Alpha you actually had to . . . you know . . . kill someone.

ep 8 kill someone popopop

The only thing Scott seems to have killed is Ennis’ self esteem . . .

Also, since when did Alpha-ism become the kind of condition that flares up, only on occasion, like hemorrhoids or herpes?

butt wiggle

Speaking of Alpha “flare-ups,” Derek’s probably wishing his Alpha would go away, when the Alpha pack commandeers Boyd and his sister, thereby forcing him to face the Ultimate Existential Werewolf Question: Family . . .

dying cora

cora

. . . or Pack . . .

pack

torn

this is me thinking

Saved by the Bell!  Or should I say, the Katniss Everdeen Allison.

shooting everyone

my eyes

“I’m MELTINNNNNNG!”

Annnnd we’re back to fighting!

twirl

Scott comes in for the assist.

the assist

“Haha!  Got your toesies, tickle, tickle, tickle!”

Hey, look!  They are flying . . .

dancing derek and ennis

Derek, this isn’t really the best time to take a nap.  Wake up and finish him!

dead men

Derek?  Wait . . . is he . . . DEAAAAADDDDDDDD?

i see dead people

cry 1

PART II – ROAD RAGE

Don’t you just hate it when you are on a long bus ride in traffic, and you get hit with a massive bout of motion sickness?

scared jared

How about when you are on a long bus ride in traffic, and you are suffering from a MASSIVE STOMACH WOUND?

constipation

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Isaac’s burrito last night.”

In the aftermath of Derek’s “death,” everyone seems a bit on edge.

growly boyd

Boyd and Isaac want to beat the sh*t out of Ethan .  . .

Ethan keeps nervously checking his cell phone .  . .

peeking - Copy

“Are we at the stage of our relationship yet, where I’m obligated to ask you about your feelings?  Or can we just continue screwing in silence.”

Danny is secretly wondering why Ethan seems so distracted . . .

Stiles is secretly wondering whether Danny knows why Ethan seems so distracted . . .

peeky stiles

“I wonder if Ethan thinks I’m attractive.”

This guy is about to puke . . .

jared the puker - Copy

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Isaac’s burrito with Scott last night?”

And Scott’s like DYING and stuff . . .

Did I mention that Allison and Lydia are following behind the bus to stalk Dying Scott?

stalking

Car Stalking is the new Cyber Stalking  .  . .

In what is probably my favorite sequence in the entire episode, Stiles Twitter attacks Danny into finding out why his boyfriend keeps checking his phone.

find out why - Copy

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Boyfriend must be an OLYMPIC texter!  Because, Danny’s phone is going off literally every second, for about three minutes.  You know, kind of like This Guy . . .

texting

You would think a supposed “computer hacking whiz” like Danny, would be smart enough to silence his phone,  as soon as the first couple of texts came in . . .

number of fingers

Ultimately, Danny relents and asks his boy toy what’s up?  As it turns, out Ethan is worrying about his “friend,” who “might not make it through the night.”

sickco

2 2 zombies don't text katie-cassidy

Somehow, I don’t think he’s talking about Derek .  . .

It’s interesting how much loyalty these Alphas have toward one another, considering these people all literally MURDERED their entire original pack . . .  I don’t know about you, but that’s not the type of person I’d feel comfortable having on MY TEAM.

hide from elijah

Meanwhile, near the back of the bus, Scott’s Alpha-induced wound still isn’t healing.  And his health seems to be in rapid decline.  Stiles tries to ask the coach nicely to pull over the car.

blow whistle

ok gif

But when that fails, he opts for more desperate measures . . .

mischeivous stiles

Sorry Jared!  But hey!  Look on the bright side.  At least you aren’t motion sick anymore!

barf

OPERATION

Remember that popular children’s game, which taught five year olds that “surgery” simply means yanking small items out of a body with a pair of tweezers, and basically requires no training or experience whatsoever?

doctor-bot-operation

Med School, Schmed School!  I learned everything I ever need to know about the human body from a naked guy with a red nose, and “water on the knee.”

Well, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it inspired this scene in Teen Wolf, where Allison Argent — the girl who once needed a tutor in biology — dragged her dying ex boyfriend into a dingy public restroom, and “saved his life,” armed with nothing but a needle and a thread . . .

bloody scott

Step aside doctors from House and Grey’s Anatomy, because you just got served!

music greys

Once the gang finally manages to get off the School Bus (thanks to Puking Jared), they are able to focus on the REAL problem at hand: Scott’s Tummy Trouble.

sculder mully

It’s Lydia who determines that the reason Scott’s usual healing powers aren’t taking effect, is psychosomatic.

ephemeral

In English . . . that means that Scott’s guilt over the accidental hand he played in Derek’s possible demise is LITERALLY eating him up inside.

Pop quiz:  Scott has an injury that’s at least partly in his mind.  How should the gang solve this problem?

awww stilesy

Should they:

(a) ask around to see if there’s a Werewolf Shrink in the house;

(b) slap him around a bit, and tell him to “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

(c) call his mother, a registered nurse who knows he’s a werewolf, and tell her to get her ass to her local rest stop to save her son; or

(d) have Allison, a teen with NO medical training, sew up his not-really-genuinely injured stomach with a knitting needle.

stiles and the new pack

“We’re waiting.  . .”

If you chose any answer but (d), I’d call you a logical  being.  But this show isn’t called Logical Wolf.  It’s called Teen Wolf!

ah screw it

Source

So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, “Sewing Tummies for Dummies,” starring Allison Argent, and Scott McCall . . .

alive

 . . . and Special Guest Star . . . Dead Mama Argent!

scary mom

Step 1 – Sterilize the needle.

sterilize

Step 2 – DON’T LICK THE NEEDLE AFTER YOU STERILIZE IT, THEREBY INVALIDATING THE STERILIZATION . . .

licking

no no on

Don’t worry about that, Allison.  Maybe fake injuries only engender fake infections .  . .

Step 3 – Try to keep a steady hand . . .

thread the needle

Having the ghost of Allison’s mother, Ice Queen Mama Argent, talk Allison through dispassionately stitching up Scott’s wounds made for a powerful viewing experience, particularly for us viewers, who have experienced the loss of a parent.  Kudos to Crystal Reed for really pulling off the pathos and anguish of this scene.

what do do

Watching this scene, you could almost forget that Mama Argent was a sociopathic wackadoo who once tried to MURDER the very same person she’s helping Allison to stitch up . . .

teaching to sew

big bitch crazy

Almost . . .

After the surgery, we are treated to not a very convincing fake out, during which Scott “plays dead” for a horrified Allison for about three seconds, before “waking up.”

sleeping scott

peekaboo haa

GOTCHA!

But the real action is going on outside, where Isaac has started WHALING on Ethan.  Might as well, right?  I mean he already got blamed for beating up the kid.  At least this time, Isaac can experience the satisfaction of knowing that it was his fist causing the bleeding.

beat self up

beat up

happy isaac“And that douche got beat up twice, HAHA!”

Not that I condone violence, or anything . . .

2 11 drunk hanna

Scott, once again, pulls rank on Isaac, getting him to “stop the insanity.”

kill joy

Kill joy!

Personally, I could have gone for a few more minutes of ass kicking myself . . .

Back in the barf-fumigated bus . . .

jared you suck

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 .  . . a now stitched-up Scott is sitting with Allison, who has inexplicably ditched her car in the middle of nowhere, just so that she can in a smelly bus with her bloody ex boyfriend.  Scott thanks Allison for not listening to him, when he told her to stay out of his business, thereby saving his life.

allison bamf heir of slytherin

“You’re damn right,” says every girlfriend ever.

Further up on the bus, an increasingly chummy Mulder and Scully Stiles and Lydia do the heavy lifting of tying the two seemingly disparate storylines of the Big Bad Dark Oak Druid Killer and the Alpha pack together, by determining that Big Bad Dark Oak Druid Killer might be making all these kills in order to build strength for its inevitable battle against the Alpha pack.

murder thoug

In other words, it’s Alien versus Predator all over again.  Who’s side are YOU on?

Speaking of the Alpha Pack,  let’s check in on them again, shall we?

SQUISH!

Given the former’s tendency to turn into a gorilla-like thing and mind-control gingers, and the latter’s complete absence from the series for the entire first two seasons, it’s entirely understandable that Sassy Uncle Peter and Cora Hale are a bit leery of one another.  But with Derek dead(?) / missing, and possibly dead, and the entire rest of the cast trapped in Bus Hell, the two decided to combine forces and engage in a bit of super sleuthing.

smirky peter

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why the Hales immediately assumed that ONLY one of the two bodies that fell from the scaffolding, Ennis or Derek, could have possibly survived the fall . . . especially considering the fact that they are BOTH Alphas, and BOTH of their bodies had been removed from the scene.

dont understand

Desperate for answers, the pair decide to head for the Trusty Vet’s office for guidance.

Geez, who knew some glorified dog groomer’s office would end up becoming the most happening location on the show?  I mean, this place is basically the Teen Wolf equivalent of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

ep 11 vet man

LIFE OF THE PARTY!

Dr. Deaton (whose first name is Alan, by the way . . . I didn’t know that until this week) must be the richest vet in the WORLD!  I wonder if he charges by the hour . . .

cryptic vet

Unfortunately for Sassy Pete and Cora, SOMEONE has beat them to Deaton’s office.  (Should have made a reservation . . .)

dying ennis

I think it’s a bit odd that Deucalion and co. (AND Ms. Morell . . . who apparently is Deaton’s Sister from another Mister?) would choose Notorious Derek Pack Ally Deaton to repair their beloved Ennis’ boo boos.  But I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.  Of course, Deaton is able to repair Ennis to his strong and stupid silent type greatness, with nothing more than a few simple magical remedies.  (He didn’t even need Mama Argent and a knitting needle to do it.)

But then Deucalion comes and SQUASHES ENNIS’ HEAD LIKE IT’S A ROTTEN MELON .

squish

 

stiles grossed out

(In fact, I’m pretty sure they used an actual melon to pull off this stunt.)

melon head cat

The moment was simultaneously, gross, horrifying and awesome at the same time.  Though I suspect Ugly Toenail Chick would disagree with me.

sad kali 1

 

sad kali 2

 

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Hmmmm . . . I wonder if these two were boning.  That’s not the kind of mourning you do for a casual acquaintance, if you catch my drift . . .

sex girl boy

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter and Cora see this reaction and immediately assume that because Ennis just died Derek must already be dead . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Logic Fail.  I thought you were smarter than that, Sassy Uncle Peter . . .

Meanwhile back at the school . . .

PART III – IT’S ALIVE!

English Teacher is innocently heading to her car after school  . . . What’s the matter?  Don’t feel like spending another night in the boiler room? . . . when she encounters a friendly surprise  . . .

omg

Geez Derek, I know you’ve been out of the dating game a while.  But here’s some friendly advice.  It’s really not necessary to mutilate yourself to the point of near death just to get your lady love’s attention.

help me

Most of the time especially for people who look like you a clever text message will suffice.  Just sayin . . .  Anywhoo . .  . Derek’s alive.  Obviously.  SURPRISE!

die in blinkin8

And that was “Frayed” in a nutshell.  Next week on Teen Wolf, the ENTIRE CAST SLEEPS TOGETHER . . .

not an orgy - Copy

. . . in a motel . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com]  [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Come Closer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Unleashed”

sex me now

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As human beings, we can’t help but crave intimacy . . . a warm touch . . . a loving look . . . some kind words of reassurance.  We thrive on these things.  They can make a life, less lonely, and more worth living.

ep 11 salison

9_stiles-lydia

hugsies isaac
But intimacy can be as dangerous, as it is seductive.  Allowing people into your life . . . letting them “come closer,” leaves you vulnerable to rejection, hurt, and pain.  It also makes you about ten times more likely to get bodily dragged under your car, while your dog watches, and brutally murdered by a villain who seems to change his murder victim stereotype about as often as most people change their clothes . . .

going to die

Yes . . . three people died this week on Teen Wolf, adding to the season’s already aggressively gruesome body count.

i see dead people

But, more than that, “Unleashed” was about the benefits and unexpected dangers of physical and emotional intimacy . . .

toss out

So, rev up that motorcycle, avoid cleaning supply closets like the plague, and, for heaven sakes, hold on to your puppies, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

stiles with wolf hat

enjoy the show

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(Special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who I know would bravely rid Stiles of his pesky virginity, if the latter asked nicely.)

Number One with a Bullet

Mistletoe.  Apart from being the impetus behind a few unwanted kisses around Christmas time, it always seemed like a pretty harmless plant.  Right?

mistletoe kisses

ep 7 kissy face

WRONG!  It turns out, Mistletoe is poisonous to adorable pups like Bullet and Secret Teen Werewolves like Scott . . .

BabyScared

It also ultimately brought about the brutal murder of this Poor Schmuck . . .

whois your daddy

“He knows who the Alpha is,” Not-Yet-Dead Guy muses to Scott the Dog Whisperer, after the latter extracts the offending bite of Mistletoe from pet Bullet’s body.

mistletoe

(And just in case you didn’t catch the OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING in that statement, both Scott and the Vet spend their next three minutes of screen time winking at the television screen, until you do . . .)

ephemeral

It’s a bit unusual to me that a guy who believes himself to be a “military man,” would (1) own the type of dainty dog that looks like he’d be right at home in a socialite’s designer purse; and (2) be so incredibly lousy at teaching that dog obedience.

bullet dog

“Here Puppy  . . . Puppy,”” Not-Yet-Dead Guy calls out ineffectually, as his unleashed dog runs out of the veterinary office and into a back alley.

here doggie

Bullet: “I’m not your B*tch.”

Clearly, Bullet knows who the Alpha isn’t . . .

Believing his dog to have run under a trash compactor, Not-Yet-Dead-Guy makes the genius move of STICKING HIS HEAD UNDER IT . . .

come closer 1

no no on

Already I’m cringing at my TV screen, while I wait for Not-Yet-Dead Guy’s face to get flattened like a pancake.  Fortunately, for Not-Yet-Dead-Guy he gets to survive long enough to make TWO MORE REALLY STUPID MISTAKES.  

owww bit

First, he STICKS HIS HAND UNDERNEATH THE DAMN THING.

draco malfoy facepalm

“You bit me!” Not-Yet-Dead guy yelps in accusation, as he removes his hand from beneath the compactor, only to find his dog waiting patiently behind him.

look at my bite

stupid human

“Stupid Human.  I ought to send this in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

But wait . . . if it wasn’t Bullet that bit not-yet-dead guy, who could it possibly be?

stefan shrug

Perhaps, it’s the creepy guy that’s weirdly chanting “Come Closer” from underneath the trash compactor . . .

Pop Quiz, Wolfbangers.  It’s the middle of the night.  You and your dog are hanging out in a dark alley.   You hear the voice of the unidentified thing that JUST BIT YOU telling you to COME CLOSER.  Do you:

(a) Grab your dog, and run away fast

(b) Grab your dog, and run away faster

(c) Grab your dog, get in your car, and drive away fastest or

(d) Stick your head back under the trash compactor, like a schmuck, and kiss your ass (and potential for recurring guest star status on Teen Wolf) goodbye.

I’m sorry, Owner of Bullet.  D was not the correct answer.  As a consolation prize, you get to have your head separated from your body.  But, hey, you weren’t really using that pesky brain much, anyway, right?

you can be my new dad

“You can be my new daddy.”

pick up dog

“But first you have to learn to hold me correctly . . .”

pick up dog 2

“Oh Brother!”

Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time.

The Part Where I Weigh in on the Derek Hale New Love Interest Controversy . . .

Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

So, here we have our adorable English Teacher, with a penchant for inappropriately texting students, and hanging out in school boiler rooms at 3 a.m. . . .

scared teach

“Just because I am always in danger, and completely incapable of protecting myself, doesn’t mean I’m a Damsel in Distress.”

She hears a noise outside.  And like any good damsel in distress grabs onto the nearest phallic object to protect herself . . .

holding stick

But fear not, English Teacher!  That noise was nothing more than your Neighborhood Sexy Wolf, who has come a-courtin’!

im the alpha cameronbaum

English Teacher immediately starts babbling on about how her therapist thinks she’s crazy.  Because nothing turns a hot twenty something male on more, than a woman, who likes to talk about her mental and emotional problems with people she just met . . .

big bitch crazy

Start talking about your period, now, English Teacher.  That will really make him swoon!

tampon-med1

moony look

“She’s Dreamy!”

And yet, Derek seems to find all of this “quirkiness” adorable.  Possibly because he was mesmerized by her perky boobs, and didn’t actually hear the annoying words coming out of her mouth.    Intent on impressing his lady love, Derek even offers up some information he read off the inside cover of the Cliff Notes from The Crucible, to show English Teacher what a smart, well-spoken guy he can be!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Before he leaves her, the two exchange names, in hopes that they will have the opportunity for at least one roll in the hay set to pop music, before English Teacher meets her inevitable demise .  . . or, in a “surprise twist,” is revealed as the Evil Mastermind Behind Either the Alpha Pack or the Druid Sacrifices . . .

bitch face

she turns into the devil tendermercies

All right, so here’s the thing.  Contrary to what some might think, I’m not bothered by the fact that the writers have given Derek a love interest that isn’t Stiles . . . or Allison . . . or ME.  In fact, if having a love interest on the show, means more shirtless Derek, or more moony-eyed, lusty-looking Derek, I welcome the storyline with open arms . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

internet derek 3

let me love you

I’m just having trouble getting behind the idea of English Teacher as the love interest.  Yeah, I get that she’s “hot” or whatever.  She’s just so milquetoasty!  And beyond that, she just seems void of any of the sort of personality traits (edge, spunk, a sarcastic sense of humor) that would make for an interesting pairing with a brooding strong silent type like Derek.

sarcasm defense

Long story short, from a plot perspective, I understand the need for this couple.  They look “pretty” together.  And I’m sure younger fans will eat them up, for that reason alone.

happy elena

But from a writing perspective, I feel like, if the sole purpose of English Teacher’s character is to be a love interest for Derek and/or future victim / surprise villain, she needs to be written in a more dynamic way, so that the developing couple is more appealing, and “shippable.”

speedboat-2

Since we are on the subject of new characters, let’s talk about those twins.  Shall we?

Taking One for the Team

Over in the boys locker room, Coach Crackpot tells the kids that they are flabby and out of shape.

fat asses big

hot men no shirts

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Apparently, Deucalion isn’t the only blind guy on this show . . .

number of fingers

Meanwhile, Stiles propositions the entire lacrosse team for sex, upon learning that another possible virgin joined the ranks of the definitely dead in Beacon Hills, last night . . .

threat life

sex me now 2

Any volunteers?

ill do it

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Danny offers to be a hero, and take one up the butt for the team . . .

Stiles thanks him for his generosity.  And in the inevitable porn version of this series (bonus points to the commenter, who comes up with the best porn name for this series), that’s when things get really interesting . . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

But alas, this is just MTV, not Pay Per View.  And Danny’s gallant offer was nothing but a big fat lie.  What a cock tease!

blue balls

Speaking of cock teases . . . these two . . .

twins - Copy

OK . . . OK . . . I know that one is gay, while the other is straight, and that they occasionally “talk” now.  But I still can’t tell these two doofuses apart, or determine whether they possess actual personalities.

look confused

Perhaps, the costume department should have them wear these to avoid confusion . . .

gay one

straight one

Isaac . . . being an open-minded, non discriminating kind of guy . . .  doesn’t particularly care which one gay, and which one is straight.  He wants them both equally dead.

isaac running

twins running

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The three men mutually agree that the absolute best place to wolf out, and have a gang fight is in the woods right in the middle of a mandatory cross country run.  This way, the only people who could potentially see them, and learn their Deep Dark Wolfy Secrets, are THE ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM!

roar 1

roar 2

roar 3

rawr

Fortunately, Brutally Murdered Bullet’s Owner, appears literally out of nowhere, to protect these three dumb-dumbs from themselves . . .

dead bullet guy

tears from stiles

homeless kid

wasnt on the team

Talk about taking one for the team!

Speaking of taking one for the team, do you remember the scene from that old Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, where the two twin Siamese cats made a total mess of the house, and then expertly got poor Lady to take the blame?

Twin 1 beating up Twin 2, and letting Isaac take the rap for it, kind of reminds me of that . . .

beat self up