“But I LOVE Macaroons!”
Is it possible? Could this week’s GG installment actually top last week’s? How could that POSSIBLY BE — when last week’s episode featured Chuck and Blair having HOT HATE SEX ON THE PIANO?
Oh, but it DID, Gossip Girl fans! It absolutely did! Because that AWESOME Piano Sex we all got so excited about last week? As it turns out, that was ONLY THE BEGINNING! In fact “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” was so racy (in a GOOD way), that it made “War at the Roses,” look like a Disney Cartoon . . .
Well . . . maybe not Aladdin. That Jasmine girl? Yeah, she’s a little bit slutty . . .
Oh . . . and Serena’s storyline wasn’t half bad, either . . .
So, what are we WAITING FOR, GG’ers? Let’s get our “CHAIR” on!
“Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed! And he’s STILL HERE!”
A couple episodes back, Gossip Girl began with Blair having a “nightmare,” in which she “thought” that Chuck was attacking her in the darkness of her home. This week, that nightmare CAME TRUE!
The episode opens with Serena storming into Blair’s bedroom, first thing in the morning, to gripe about her “Colin Problem.”
“Oh, it’s so HARD . . . loving my teacher, and not being able to screw him, or take him to the Ballet.
I’ve always wanted to bone at a ballet! Blah, blah, blah, I’m so irresistible to all men. Woe is me,” Serena babbles.
Now, while the “Colin Problem” sounded TOTALLY snoozy and annoying to me, I am not Serena’s best friend, Blair is. So, I must admit, I was a bit surprised by the callous way Queen B blew off her “friend in need” in this first scene It just seemed SO unlike her . . .
But then Serena left, and I noticed a little extra “bump” in Blair’s bed. It was almost as if something or someone was hiding under the covers . . .
OK . . . where can I get me one of THOSE?
Kudos to Chuck for NOT going for the way-too-easy (and undeniably creepy) threesome joke he could have made, regarding his “accidental” sharing of the bed, with BOTH Blair AND Serena. We all know that Season 1 Chuck would have TOTALLY made such a comment. So, it’s good to see how much our Big Bass has grown, since this series started (in more ways than ONE!)
Chuck Bass: A “HEAD” above all the rest . . .
Blair insists that this most recent sexual rendezvous between the two “sworn enemies” will be their last one . . . And, if you believe that, I have a pet Raccoon Zombie I will selling, over the internet, shortly following this recap.
There she is!
( Coincidentally, if you are interested in owning your very own pet Raccoon Zombie, please let me know, in the Comments section.)
“What if Someone Sees?”
BLAIR: “If screwing on a plane puts you in the Mile High Club? What does screwing on a subway get you?”
CHUCK: “A bad case of whiplash?”
Who says you can’t learn about local news from watching Gossip Girl? When Chuck runs into Nate, just outside Blair Waldorf’s house, Nate notes that Chuck has been MIA for THREE WHOLE DAYS!
“Wait to GO, BLAIR!”
Chuck’s explanation as to why he has been so “absent,” of late? This past Sunday’s New York Marathon, of couse! According to Chuck, he has been helping the runners to
get screwed, like they’ve never been screwed before “warm up” for the Big Race.
All of the people in this picture would like to thank Chuck Bass for his . . . umm . . . support . . . during the hours leading up to their Marathon. Way to take one for the team, Chuck (or should I say “take 1,000”)!
Meanwhile, Nate is headed to Juliet’s place, to return some of her things, and, thereby, get “closure.” (I wonder if Nate’s idea of “closure” is the same as Chuck’s. For Juliet’s sake, I sure hope so!)
“Yeeee Hawwww, Juliet! It’s time to close this relationship DOWN . . . using my lasso . . . and my ‘Mechanical Bull.'” 😉
But while Chuck is chatting with Nate, he spies Blair, off in the distance. And so, he makes an abrupt exit, running toward Blair with the verve of all those Marathon runners he claimed to be screwing.
Chuck grabs Blair’s hand amorously, with an eye toward continuing their own PERSONAL marathon. But Blair hesitates. “What if someone sees us?” Queen B inquires nervously.
“What you don’t like that, anymore?” Chuck asks.
(OMG! How could you NOT love these two?)
When Blair suggests that their sexcapades end “here,” Chuck replies, “How about over there?”
Within minutes, the two are arm and arm, and heading down BELOW . . . if you catch my drift!
As it turns out, Blair’s fears weren’t completely unfounded. HOURS later (well . . . . maybe it was minutes . . . but a girl can dream, can’t she? ;)), when Blair and Chuck emerge from underground, they are spotted by Serena and Colin, who are sharing a cab to “class,” and planning a romantic weekend getaway together
(Riiight, because that’s what all students and teachers who are NOT involved in an illicit relationship do together.) . . .
Colin just so happened to be fully clothed at the time . . . BUMMER!
Also around to catch both Chuck and Blair AND Serena and Colin, in the midst of their respective illicit rendezvous, was Dorky Dan — who without his Georgina / Baby Daddy storyline — has ONCE AGAIN been reduced to pining over Serena for episodes on end . . .
“It’s not easy being this lame. It takes a LOT of practice . . .”
Even though Dan does NOT actually go to Columbia, (Though, honestly, you could have FOOLED me, for all the time he spends there . . .) he instantly recognizes Colin as being a professor there. (Sorry . . . “Guest Lecturer.”) This is because Dan “just so happened” to be reading the dude’s book, (and staring at his sexy portrait on the back) at the time of the sighting. What are the odds, right? 🙂
And the Plot Thickens . . .
“So, THAT’s why they titled this episode that way! It all makes so much more sense now!”
When Nate arrives at Juliet’s “home,” he is surprised to find out, from the doorman, that she not only “doesn’t live [there] anymore,” she “NEVER lived there EVER.”
Meanwhile, at Juliet’s REAL Rathole of a Studio Apartment, she is home, playing on a surprisingly nice laptop for a “poor girl.” On said laptop is some home- made soft core porn featuring, you guessed it: Colin and Serena. And they are . . . wait for it . . .
LAMEST SEX TAPE EVER! Come ON, Juliet! I expected MUCH better from a girl who used to be on Melrose Place . . .
Upon viewing the tape (and re-viewing it, and re-viewing it, and -re-viewing it . . . never mind that it features her very own COUSIN!), Juliet contacts the Dean of Columbia to set up a meeting, so the pair can discuss this “INTENSE” video.
“Hmmm . . . maybe I should send this hot Kissing Video over to my brother in the Pokey. Lord knows THOSE GUYS are hard up for some cheap entertainment!”
Why Serena NEVER has a tanline . . .
“Tans are for PRUDES!”
“Ummm . . . honey, I beg to differ.”
Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Serena and Blair confront each other about what and who they’ve been doing lately. “It was a one time thing,” insists Blair regarding her “happy times” with Chuck, “OK . . . a five time thing . . . OK so I lost count of how many times this ‘thing’ was. But we are Enemies with Benefits! There are no more feelings between Chuck and I, than there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.”
(Now Blair . . . that’s not very nice! Levi Johnston has LOTS of thoughts in his head. They just all have to do with his nuts . . .)
Pistachio nuts, of course!
Killjoy does not approve. She is fully convinced that ANY emotions that grow between Blair and Chuck, even ones of hatred, can only lead to trouble.
And by “trouble,” she of course means “tons of fun!”
Fortunately, for Blair, she hasn’t been the only one misbehaving of late. “You are one inappropriate relationship away from a Guinness Book World Record,” Blair argues, adeptly changing the subject.
When Serena stupidly brings up the idea of her and Colin going on vacation together to “just talk,” Blair is appalled!
“I am APPALLED!”
You see, Serena has NO WILLPOWER on vacations. That’s why she NEVER HAS A TANLINE. Get it? Apparently, Serena should take a page from Blair’s book, and start having sex in random sunny places, STAT . . . but . . . just . . . not with Colin . . . because that’s WRONG! Right?
Juliet Gets Caught in her 85,000th Lie by Nate. Meanwhile, Vanessa Tags Along on Another Storyline, in which she has NO BUSINESS BEING!
Was it just me? Or did this part of the episode give you a MASSIVE case of deja vu? Tired of being lied to by the girlfriend who dumped him, Nate is determined to find answers! (Riiiiiiight! I don’t know about you, but I stalk ALL MY EX BOYFRIENDS, particularly when I find out information confirming that I dodged a bullet, by breaking up with them.)
“Wait . . . are you being sarcastic? Because I actually do that . . . stalk all my ex-girlfriends, I mean . . . at least the ones that are ‘series regulars.’ None of this ‘Special Guest Star’ B.S. Sorry, Joanna Garcia and that Cougar I banged for a while, in Season 2!”
Since the rest of the Scooby Gang (well, except for Dan . . . but he doesn’t count) are busy “gettin busy,” Nate visits his Partner of Last Resort, Vanessa.
Vanessa is so excited that Nate is actually talking to her
and that her character has more than three lines this episode, that she completely forgets the fact that he regularly ditches her for EVERY OTHER female character on this show, (EVEN JENNY), and has basically treated her like TOTAL CRAP for the past Season and a half. Nate wants to spy on Juliet. AndVanessa wants to “clear her name,” regarding the whole Serena “sex-for-grades” frame-up she supposedly orchestrated, a few episodes back.
And that was how the Hottie and the Nottie joined forces. Vanessa finds Juliet’s actual address, while Nate talks his Ex up to “distract her.” While Nate is talking to Juliet, she admits how very, very POOR she is. So poor, in fact, that: (1) her cousin pays for her VERY EXPENSIVE college education; (2) she lives in a studio apartment near Harlem; (3) she does her own hair (FOR SHAME!): (4) and she shops at WOODBURY COMMON!
WTF, Gossip Girl! I got some of my favorite outfits from Woodbury Common! That place is awesome! I’m impressed Nate even knows where it is!
So, now, despite the fact that Nate has already caught Juliet lying about: (1) her brother in prison; (2) her trying to get Serena kicked out of Hamilton House; (3) where she lives; (4) and how she pays for school, Nate is so touched by Juliet’s “I’m Just a Poor Girl, Nobody Loves Me,” story, that he decides to give Juliet a second chance . . .
Ummm . . . second? Apparently, it wasn’t Nate’s “counting” abilities that got him into Columbia. Oh, and correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Juliet dump Nate this last time?
Anyway, Nate decides to start of this “second chance,” by inviting Juliet to the Lame Ass Ballet that will function as this episodes main “Party of Plot Development and Hijinks.” He texts Vanessa, to tell her that the “raid” is off. However, Vanessa has already found the video of Colin’s and Serena’s VERY soft core porn on Juliet’s computer. And now she just can’t stop watching . . .
“This is the most action I’ve seen ALL SEASON!”
Dan’s “Mad Face” = Total Relationship Killer
Dan finds Serena (studying?), and lays on her one of his most intense stares . . . “Uh oh! Why are you giving me Mad Face?” Serena inquires, nervously.
“Mad Face? Who me? I don’t know what you’re talking about! I always look like this!”
Dan admits that he saw Serena getting out of her Professor’s cab, and he didn’t like it. Serena tries to smooth things over, asserting that they are “waiting” until the class is over to “do it.” Isn’t that “romantic?”
Honestly? This guy could SNEEZE, and it would be “romantic.”
Hoping to go all judgy-judgy on Serena’s as,s for screwing The Teach, Dan is a bit taken back, by his Slutty Ex’s Anomalous Abstinence. And so, he starts REALLY laying it on thick. Dan tells Serena that if HE was her boyfriend HE would do anything for her, INCLUDING quit a teaching position at Columbia to be with her. After all, SERENA is worth more than the cost of a “Guest Lecture Fee.”
(Yeah . . . way to be subtle O’ Danny Boy!)
And yet, perhaps, I was too quick to rank on Dorky Dan’s Mad Lady Skills. Because, about two scenes later, Serena DUMPS that Hot (and Rich) Piece of Meat, Colin, and instead decides to go to the ballet with . . Dan?
“Oh yeah! I’m a stud! You know it!”
Immersion Therapy versus Detox – You all KNOW which one I’m ROOTING FOR!
Thank you, Episode 8, and CWTV.com for providing me the HOTTEST new collection of Chuck Bass screencaps, EVER! (See example, above.)
I must admit, I literally squealed with joy, when I learned that Chuck and Blair opted to have their “last” sexual encounter in the exact same place where they had their first, namely, the back seat of a limo. However, I must say, I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t actually get to see the encounter this time . . . So, I guess we will just have to settle for this . . .
Unfortunately, for Chuck and Blair, they aren’t always the greatest at communicating. As a result, each had VERY DIFFERENT ideas about how to finally END their sexual relationship. For Blair, it was all about DETOX. She commandeered poor Dorota, to keep her from seeing Chuck AT ALL during the next 24 hours.
“Oof! I can already tell I’m not going to like this job . . .”
As for Chuck, he preferred more of an IMMERSION therapy — namely, ALL SEX, ALL THE TIME for 24-hours, or until they got “sick of it” (like THAT would ever happen), whichever came first.
Now, you all know how much I LOVE my Chuck. So, I hope you all don’t take this the wrong way. But was I the ONLY one REALLY creeped out by the way Chuck instructed his limo driver to pick up TONS OF CONDOMS in preparation for his NONSTOP SEX SESSION with Blair?
Umm . . . ever heard of a thing called “privacy,” Chuck? Perhaps, it wasn’t Chuck’s words that made me so uncomfortable, but the SUPER DISTURBING way the cab driver leered at Chuck when he said them. That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit . . .
Anywhoo . . . Blair’s idea of detox mainly involved “thinking with her brain, not her macaroon, as she told Serena, later that evening. Basically, this plan constituted a LOOOOOONG bath . . .
. . . and EATING . . . lots and lots of EATING.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen Blair Waldorf eat as much in FOUR SEASONS, as I saw her eat, during this episode. It was kind of refreshing, actually. I’m guessing that all that sex she was having with Chuck, probably burned those macaroons RIGHT OFF!
Throughout Blair’s LOOOOOONG bath, we see her repeatedly ignore phone calls from Chuck (31, to be exact). And then, just when it seems like she’s “chucked chuck” for good, Blair reenters her room, and finds a little “present” in her bed.
Make that a nice BIG present . . .
Just as Blair’s resolve is about to crack, Dorota screams out NOOOOOOOOO! And promptly sends Blair off for her date to The Ballet with . . . Professor Colin Forrester?
As Blair rushes to meet her TOTALLY RANDOM date, Chuck eyes Dorota suspciously.
“If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance,” insists Dorota.
(Anyone know where I can find my own Dorota? I can think of a lot of situations where this would come in VERY handy, indeed . . .)
In Other Home Invasion News . . .
. . . Juliet returns home, to find a Creepy Vanessa lounging on her bed. Temporarily forgetting that it was Juliet who set Vanessa up, as being the person who “framed” Serena for exchanging “grades for sex,” Vanessa has since decided that she now wants to JOIN FORCES with Juliet, to bring down Serena.
“Come to the Dark Side, Juliet! Oh . . . wait . . . I guess you are kind of already there.”
The only problem is that, now, Juliet’s all lovey dovey with Nate, and doesn’t want to go through with the whole “Screw Over Serena” Thing. Not ready to give up just yet, Vanessa snatches up a USB drive containing the incriminating footage, and heads off to “The Ballet.”
At the Ballet
When Dan arrives at The Ballet to meet up with Serena, rather than going right over to her, he inexplicably stands still and leers at her from far away.
“Clearly, this is all part of my master plan. Why else would I do something so stupid?”
While Dan is waiting for puberty to hit, Blair learns that Colin quit his teaching job to be with Serena. Her faith restored in Mankind (well, at least the part of mankind she ISN’T sleeping with on a regular basis), Blair decides to be the “good friend,” and reunite Colin and Serena.
It doesn’t take very long at all, for this to happen.
Sorry Dan! It looks like the early bird gets the
Once she is safely alone, Chuck approaches Blair, and asks her to meet him in a phone booth?
“This sounds like a job for SUPER CHUCK!”
OK . . . do they even HAVE phonebooths in New York, anymore? Because I’ve never seen one . . .
Meanwhile, Vanessa tries to paw off the USB drive containing the not-so-sexy vid on the Dean of Columbia U, when Juliet stops her.
But then Vanessa quickly convinces Juliet of the “error of her ways,” by telling Juliet that she will always be an outsider to this Upper East Side crew. Therfore, she might as well join up with Vanessa’s LOSER CREW OF TWO, ASAP.
Juliet agrees, and ends up giving the USB drive to the Dean herself, pointing out that the folks in it, are none other than Serena and her very own cousin (and mealticket) Colin. In my ABSOLUTE favorite part of this scene, Vanessa tries to interject some useless information into the conversation, and the Dean replies, “I’m sorry, but who are YOU?”
(Yes, Dean, we’ve ALL been trying to figure that out, for a REALLY long time now. . . )
When the Dean confronts Colin and Serena, Colin is already sort of off the hook, since he’s already resigned his position as faculty member at the school. Being the good guy that he is, Colin refuses to implicate Serena in his “Sex Madness.” But the Dean insists that she will HAVE to investigate Serena, based on past claims of “sex-for-grades” that were made against her.
That’s when Chuck and Blair come to the rescue!
Blair surprises us all, by risking everything for her best friend. First, she snatches the USB drive from the Dean’s hand, and tosses it into her champagne, ruining it irreparably. She then states that SHE, and NOT SERENA, was the one screwing Colin. (I loved the little smirk Colin made, when she said this. Colin is really enjoying himself, isn’t he?)
Chuck chimes in to confirm Blair’s involvement. “I would know because I keep tabs on every man Blair sleeps with, because I’m insanely jealous. Also, I heard he wasn’t satisfying her in the way that ONLY I can.”
So true, Chuck! So VERY true!
In the end, the Poor Dean is just totally fed up with this crew of Upper East Side Looney Tunes. And, without any evidence of the scandal in question, there’s really nothing she can do to Serena or Colin.
After the whole “scandal” is over, Colin cuts off Juliet’s finances (DUH!), and Blair and Co., banish her from Columbia FOREVER (Not like she can afford to be there anymore, anyway. . .)
And they all lived happily ever after? Well . . . not quite yet . . .
The Aftermath . . .
In the limo coming home from The Ballet, Serena inexplicably dumps THIS GUY. . .
. . . (WHO LEFT HIS JOB FOR HER) . . . for THIS GUY . . .
But then, while she’s waiting for Dan, so she can tell him the “Good News,” Serena runs into THIS GUY . . .
. . . who . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . is in love with her too! Now, Serena is confused as to who she should choose . . . AGAIN.
Seriously? This girl goes through lovers, like the rest of us go through pairs of underwear . . .
MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY, SERENA . . . Blair did. 🙂
Back at La Casa de Waldorf . . .
. . . Chuck and Blair finally admit that they are friends (?) And, though we all know they are so much more, it’s really nice to see the weeks (months?) of hatred between them just wash away. “Who knew it would take tons of sex, and a public take down, for us to get here?” Blair asks brightly.
“Good night, Waldorf,” says Chuck, a bit wistfully.
The pair hug eachother tightly, then kiss eachother chastely. Then, very slowly, they begin to kiss eachother more passionately . . . MUCH more passionately. Next thing you know, Chuck has literally swept Blair off her feet, and is effortlessly carrying her toward the stairs . . .
The pair engage in SCORCHING SEX, in front of the fire. But this time is different from all those other times, earlier in the episode. No longer can Chuck and Blair hide behind the protective shield of Hate Sex. Because this time . . . they are truly . . . making . . . LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
And the episode should have ended here . . . really . . . but it didn’t.
In the FINAL scene, we see Juliet and Vanessa cyberchatting with a familar face . . . someone who “really understands” what they both are going through . . . someone who KEEPS SAYING she’s going to be above the fray, and not get involved . . . but keeps GETTING INVOLVED AGAIN, AND AGAIN!
You guessed it. Next week’s episode will feature Juliet and Vanessa teaming up with . . .
Jenny the Raccoon Zombie!
And that, my dear friends, was how the Triumverate of EVIL was born!