Nice Knowing Ya’ CLOSET! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Kissed a Girl”

Greetings Gleeks!  You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject.  And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .

Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.

Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.

Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.

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And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.

But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick.  Right?  RIGHT??

Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive?  Let’s Gleecap, shall we?

The Slap Heard Round the World School

Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”) clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.

I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . 😉 

This week, Santana’s facing down suspension, not to mention a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals.  Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.

Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer  . . .

“It was fake.  HAHA!  Just kidding!  LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.”  (Not really . . . but there should have been.)

No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself.  So, she confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve.  Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .

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Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully “de-closet herself.”  He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.

Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet.  Finn?

He tells her she’s awesome . . . and that by hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it.  It also makes her act like a bit of a tool.  Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .

Finally,  he claims he doesn’t want her to kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news.  But through all these sweet,  if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.

DOH! 

Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so.  Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet,  is really beside the point.  By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means.  If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead .  . .

Going Girly . . .

The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls.  Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.

First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.”  It was a sweet rendition.  Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.

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Specifically, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blaine might have ripped the other half off of him, during . . . ahem . . . rehearsal.

Then, of course, there was Santana’s reaction . . .

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Awww, Santana!  Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU!  Show some respect!

You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:

Meanwhile . . .

Puck Gets Lucky . . .

Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge.  Like many of Puck’s solos,  this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest.  Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me through the television screen . . .

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As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan.  So, of course, I enjoyed this performance.  I did have two complaints, however.  (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me .  . . I’m not quite sure why.

(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.

Keeping a  furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .

Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open.  Puck successfully takes charge of the situation.  And, as a reward, wins SEX.  HOORAY!

How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral .  . . We can’t do this.”  On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind.  After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these .  . .

 . . . unlike, say, somebody else  we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME .  . .

Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.”  But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . .  well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season  .  . . THAT’S WHY.  Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.”  Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

All that aside, since he’s a 29 year old  teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .

“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell out the name “Shelby” during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s name.  Yeah, that’s it!” 

Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it?  Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .

“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome.  And I would know .  . .”

Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because .  . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.

Seriously?   Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!

 Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games.  He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby.  And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements.  Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear.  And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.

So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress,  by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.

Personally, I think Spanks made him do it.  DAMN YOU, SPANKS!

Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .

Everybody Loves Cooter . . .

“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .

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Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets?  Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay.  Surely, many of us fellow star-screwers can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”

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Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election.  And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part.  (NO!  Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily.  (Just kidding.  It’s Cooter.)

“But wait!”  You say.  “Unacceptable!  He belongs to the Beiste!”

Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate.  Poor Beiste is devastated.  And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t .  . . um . . . curing his Man Pain.  Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card.  Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.

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It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone.  I smell a solo song number.  Don’t you?

I hereby present to you “Jolene.”

Ultimately,  Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel.   But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time?  Only the writers know for sure . . .

I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)

Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”  It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice.  I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style.  So, this really worked for me.  Santana must have felt the same way, since her the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.

All together now . . . “Awwwww.”

You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:

Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.”  This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity.  Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song.  This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.”  And while none of the girls actually kiss during it, there is a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

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Check it out . . .

We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.”  Wait . . . what?  I thought that seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?

Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . . That didn’t go so well . . .  “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.

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So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .

How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart?  She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . . . that would be MUCH better.  It’s interesting (and sad) how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay.  Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.

Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass.  Good times! 🙂

Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness.  She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death.  Other than that awkwardness, the performance serves as a poignant finale to the journey Santana underwent, during the episode . . .

In other news . . .

When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to Count the Ballots . . .

Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying.  It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her, he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays.  (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead?   Or Puck,  for that matter?)

Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box.   But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.” The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for.  Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese Lady Love, respectively) by voting for their Britt . . .

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 . . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.

However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul.   This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore!  Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension.  There’s only one problem .  . . he didn’t do it.

You know who did?   Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff.  (Who doesn’t?)

Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square.   (HOORAY for Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!)  Kurt concedes graciously,  telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima,  singing oldies songs for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .

And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either.  Her election rigging is going on her permanent record.  She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!

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This is terrible.  The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .

Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .

Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that.  It’s a girl thing.  What can I tell you?  Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen” here:

So . . . tell me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” 😉

Until next time, Gleeks . . .

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Dodging the Bully – A Recap of Glee’s “Mash Off”

[Fashionably Late . . . Again?  (I’m afraid this is becoming a habit.)  The Recap for Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources” is well under way.  Wondering when you can expect it?  I’d say most probably before midnight (EST), tomorrow, Tuesday, November 22nd.  My sincere apologies for my recent lack of timeliness.  (Chuck got me very drunk last night . . . just like Dan.)]

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Greetings Gleeks!  This Very Special Episode of Glee was all about the unintended consequences of bullying.  But lest you think the entire episode was a TOTAL downer .  . . there was also a sizeable portion of it that was about Puck’s weiner.

Get it?  A sizeable portion . . . because Puck’s wei  . . . nevermind.

Let’s recap, shall we?

Pucker up, for the Puck-ster

It’s a weekday, which means Puck must be in love with a new woman.  At least, this time, it’s not that annoying asshat, Lauren Zizes . . .

“What the f*&k was I thinking?” 

As Puck and the show’s writers go to great lengths to remind us, he’s EIGHTEEN now.  So, it’s TOTALLY OK for him to want to taste the forbidden fruit that is adopted mother-of-his child / substitute teacher / rival Glee club director, Shelby Corcoran . . .  I smell a musical moment, don’t you?

Though not necessarily the best sounding cover song Glee has ever done, “Hot for Teacher,” was definitely good for a few laughs . . . with Puck gyrating to the rhythm of his old school guitar, and crooning / yelling in that sexy, scratchy voice of his.  Meanwhile, Blaine and Mike Chang repeatedly grabbed their grotches, wiggled their hips, and awkwardly waved their hands behind him, in an odd little cross between the original Van Halen music video on which this was based, and . . . a rousing game of Simon Says?

Oh, and, of course, Finn was making his classic, “I’m on the drums” face, the whole time . . .

He didn’t participate in any of the dancing though . . . (Gee, I wonder why?)

Feel free to check out the original “Hot for Teacher” below, and compare the two for yourself . . .

Anywhoo, Puck attempts to win Shelby’s heart by giving her a baby pumpkin, instead of the usual “apple for the teacher” type deal.  Have any of you out there ever actually eaten a baby pumpkin?  Do they taste like regular pumpkins?  I don’t know . . .  They are more interesting than apples though . . . because, really, anybody can get you an apple.  Baby pumpkins, on the other hand, are only available when they are in-season.

But I digress . . .

Puck proceeds to make his plea for Shelby’s love by (1)  reminding Shelby how hot they both are . . .

Well . . . I agree with half of that statement. 😉 

(2) listing all the May / December celebrity romances that have worked . . . like Ashton and Demi for example . . .

WHOOPS.  Nevermind!  It looks like the script for this show was written a few weeks too early.  Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal ARE still together though, last time I checked.  So, he got that one right . . . at least.

(3) And offering to be a REAL father to Baby Beth . . .

But perhaps the most controversial thing Puck did to win Shelby’s love was to out Quinn for all those awful things she did to get Baby Beth taken away from Shelby by Child Services.

Now, assuming Puck did this, because he thought Shelby had the right to know, and not just as a ploy to get into her thong (which is debatable), I’m all for it.  However, something tells me that Quinn isn’t going to feel the same way as I do, when SHE inevitably finds out . . .

I’d say the sweetest part of this storyline was when Puck told Shelby that she was meant to be Beth’s mom, even going as far as to say that’s why Puck and Quinn got drunk and boned one another about a year a so ago, unprotected, and against their better judgment.  Well, that’s ONE way of looking at it . . .

“Come on, let me stick it in, ya!  It’s for a GOOD CAUSE!” 

Things We Never Knew About Burt Hummel . . .

“I’m a better dancer than my son-in-law . . . though, admittedly, that’s not saying much.” 

Did you know Burt Hummel has a baboon heart?

Did you know he married a donkey?  Well, now you do!  Thanks, Sue Sylvester!

I know . . . I know . . . neither are these things are true.  But I honestly think Sue Sylvester’s so-called negative advertising campaigns against State Congressional hopeful, Burt Hummel, were some of the funniest moments of this episode.  And while I’m 100% against bestiality and donkey / human marriages, I think there is entirely too much prejudice nowadays against people with animal parts . . . Just sayin’.

“Is this what having a stroke feels like?”

Brittany said the above line to compliment the mash-up / duet rival Glee club directors Will Schuester and Shelby Corcoran performed to two songs (both named “You and I”).  The performance was meant to  convince the two groups to get along with one another long enough to compete in one giant Mash Off, before they find themselves competing against one another, for real, during Sectionals.  Nevermind the fact that, as was mentioned last season, neither musical group appears to have the minimum number of participants required for a team to enter into the competition.

Well, I was definitely twitching after the song was over.  So, maybe Brittany was on to something there.  While this was definitely not my favorite musical number of the episode, I did appreciate the creativity of combining a popular Lady Gaga song with an old 80’s country song that most Glee viewers (myself included) had probably never heard before.  The lyrics of the two songs dovetailed surprisingly well with one another, and the resulting song sounded a lot better than you would think it would .  . . but not much.

That didn’t stop me from twitching though . . . maybe it’s a Schuester thing.  He bugs me sometimes, what can I say!

Sorry, Schue!  It’s true!

Santana’s got balls (and she’s not afraid to throw them)

Upcoming Mash-off competition aside, it seems the New Directions and the Troubletones weren’t satisfied having only ONE opportunity to kick eachother’s asses.  And so evolved the brilliant idea that the two groups should meet up in the gym, and pelt eachother with their balls .  . .

 . . . dodgeballs that is.

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The Mash-up of “Hit Me with Your Best Shot,” and “One Way or Another,” provided a perfect soundtrack for the surprisingly intense game.  Plus, the action shots of Gleeks playing dodgeball made for some of the best choreography we’ve seen on the show, in quite some time.  For example, did you guys know Blaine can fly?

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“Weeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Kurt likey . . . A LOT! 

Now, while Kurt might have SERIOUSLY enjoyed watching his boyfriend soar over his head, in those uber short and much-too-tight gym shorts, he definitely was NOT a fan of the Troubletones decision to mercilessly pelt Little New Guy Rory with dodgeballs, long AFTER they had already won the game.  Kurt scolded his opponents for their bad form, as he dragged a bloody Rory off the battlefield, while throwing a SERIOUS “I’m judging you” face in his former friends’ direction.

Mommy Dearest (and not so Dearest)

I have to say, I respect Rachel Berry a whole lot more, now that I know she writes her own college recommendations, so that all her “recommenders” have to do is sign them.  (For all you prospective college applicants out there, it really is the best way to go!)  Of course, there is one other big thing that Rachel did during this hour to make me respect her.  But, more on that later . . .

“While we are on the subject, MOM, I am also looking for a surrogate, to carry my baby in her belly for nine months, in exchange for $20,000.  Would you be interested?” 

Given the disappointing way in which Shelby’s Season 2 run-in with bio-daughter Rachel ended, it’s nice to see these two working toward forming a genuine relationship with one another, this Season . . .  When Rachel comes to Shelby, to get her to sign a pre-written college application, the latter surprises her bio daughter with plenty of kind words, encouragement, and the type of pride only a real mother, can show for her daughter.  She even offers to writer Rachel a college recommendation BY HERSELF.  HOORAY!

But then Shelby inadvertently makes Rachel feel like crap, by telling her daughter that, because she’s so friggin perfect, less-than-perfect people who are applying to performing arts school against her (like say . . . Kurt), don’t have a shot in hell of getting in, and, will, therefore, probably end up flipping burgers for the rest of their lives. . .

Dear Kurt, Sorry I ruined your life.  And yes, I would like fries with that.  Love, Rachel. 

Putting that aside though, it was a  Genuinely Touching Moment . . .

If looks could kill . . . 

On the other end of the parental unit relationship spectrum are Quinn and Shelby.  Shelby never exactly seemed to be Quinn’s biggest fan, anyway.  But now that she knows about the whole Baby-napping Scheme, she’s REALLY Anti-Quinn.  Eventually, a confrontation ensues, in which  Quinn calls Shelby out for “whoring out” Baby Berry, back when she was a teen (OUCH!).

And Shelby calls Quinn out for . . . um . . . well, basically, just being an incredibly sh*tty human being.  (QUADRUPLE OUCH!)

Shelby also tells Quinn that she doesn’t trust her around Baby Beth, anymore.  Sorry Quinn!  Perhaps, you should have gone with a different tactic . . . like making out with Shelby, and giving her baby pumpkins . . . Better luck, next illegitimate child!

Topless Tuesdays and Other Campaign Promises . . .

It’s campaign speech time, at McKinley High.  And just like in real government, all the candidates seem to be making promises they can’t keep.  That weird, mullet-wearing, red headed guy from the hockey team says he promises that all students will be able to boss around their teachers from now on.

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Brittany wants to protect high school students in Lima from tornadoes, and promises to go topless every Tuesday.  Way to give back to your community, Brittany!

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Rachel promises to withdraw from the race, and get everyone to vote for Kurt . . .   Wait, WHAT?  Rachel is going to give up an opportunity to be the best?  I must have walked into someone’s alternate universe Kachel fanfiction!

In all seriousness though, I think Rachel took to heart Shelby’s words about how the Type A, overachiever, ALREADY has the resume to get into the college of her dreams, while Kurt does not.  It was a super sweet, suprisingly un-Rachel like thing to do.  And Kurt was just as shocked as the rest of us . . .

As for Kurt, his campaign speech is kind of a downer.  I mean, fighting against childhood obesity, and bullying is great . . . but eliminating dodgeball?  Seriously?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just use softer balls, like Kurt’s those squishy ones that Nerf makes?  My personal opinions aside, I loved Kurt’s speech, simply because Blaine’s “Supportive Face,” while he was making said speech was SUPER hot.  And we wouldn’t have had the chance to see it, otherwise . . .

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After the speeches, Kurt and Rachel FINALLY ended their seemingly interminable election-based fight.  Not only was the reunion scene between the pair extremely touching, I’m just thrilled that these two characters will finally be able to regularly interact again.  After all, Rachel’s and Kurt’s friendship is my favorite completely platonic relationship on this show . . . heck, it might actually be the only completely platonic relationship on this show . . .

Reunited and it feels SO GOOD! 

Out and Not So Proud . . .

Oh, Santana.  As a character, I adore you to pieces . . . most of the time.  You are hilariously funny.  You constantly make fun of Finn.  You have a spectacular singing voice.  And you are one of the most complex, and consistently written, characters on this show.  But if I REALLY knew you, or, worse, attended high school with you, I’m pretty sure, I would hate your guts .  . . and keep a voodoo doll of you in my locker, to stab at, whenever I was having a particularly bad day.

Throughout the episode, we watched Santana be mercilessly evil to Finn, and his new sidekick Rory.

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It eventually got to the point where even her fellow Troubletones were begging her to stop.  But she continued, with what was probably the meanest, most underhanded,  apology ever.  And that’s when Finn snapped, outing Santana as a lesbian in front of the whole school.  Whether intentionally, or unintentionally done . . . whether provoked or unprovoked  . . . whether he thought Santana’s sexual preference was a secret or common knowledge, what Finn did was VERY, VERY wrong.  And it ended up producing some pretty serious consequences for Santana . . .

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As it turns out, one of Burt’s and Sue’s congressional opponents has a daughter who attends McKinley High, and that daughter recorded Finn’s and Santana’s conversation.  Ultimately, Santana’s secret ended up being used by this opponent in a negative campaign advertisement against Sue, in order to imply that the Cheerios coach was ALSO a lesbian.  In a surprisingly poignant moment, the usually ascerbic Sue, Burt Hummel, and Will Schuester call Santana into Sue’s office to show her the advertisement, and offer her their support.

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Santana, understandably, is inconsolate.  “This can’t be happening to me,” she cries, as she makes a mad dash down the hallway  “I haven’t even come out to my parents yet.”

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And the Winner of the Mash Off of 2011 is . . .

The Mash Off Competition takes place before Santana really has time to heal, or process the many ways in which her life is about to change.  The New Directions are up first, and SURPRISE, it’s another 80’s music mash-up.  (Way to be HIP, Mr. Schue!)  This one is a mixture of the songs “I Can’t Go For That,” and “You Make My Dreams.”  It was a fun performance, for sure.  But, for me at least, the best part about it, by far, were the ridiculous curly wigs, weird heavily shoulder padded suit jackets, and over abundance of pink all the guys wore during the musical number.  Hysterical, with a capital H!

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Oh, and did youu catch the befuddled facial expressions of all the females in the audience.  PRICELESS!  As for the women, they all vaguely resembled Pebbles Flintstone . . . though, I’m not exactly sure why . . .

See, for yourself . . .

But the winners of this competition, hands down, just like in the dodgeball competition that preceded it, were the Troubletones.

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With Santana and Mercedes at the helm, the group’s mashup of Adele’s “Rumor Has It” and “Someone Like You,” was breathtakingly beautiful, and enchantingly mesmerizing, with just a smidgeon of slit-your-wrist, depressing.

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Naya Rivera expertly portrayed, all of the angst, sadness, and inner turmoil of her character’s unfortunate outing, in every word she sang, and every expression that crossed her face.

Then, when the performance was over, and Santana leapt off the stage, to slap Finn extra hard, right across the mouth, for the inadvertent role he played in her embarrassment and discomfort, I had genuine tears in my eyes . . .

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In the next installment of Glee, if the promos are any indication, Santana will come out to her parents, and the rest of the cast will get laid.  Can I get a HELL YEAH!  You can check out the promo for “I Kissed a Girl,” here . . .

 So, tell me  . . .  what did you think of “Mash Off?”

Did you enjoy the Adele number as much as I did?  Do you agree with me that the Troubletones kicked New Direction’s ASS this week, in every way possible?  Are you shipping Shelby / Puck . . .  or do they make you want to upchuck?

 Are you pro or anti-dodgeball?  And, most importantly, Team Santana, or Team Finn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section . . .

Annnnd . . . that’s what you missed, ON GLEE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

It’s Not Easy Being a Leprechaun – A Recap of Glee’s “Pot O’ Gold”

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Welcome back, Gleeks!  Can you believe it’s been a month since the last time Sue tried to destroy Glee club . . .

. . . or Quinn made a Puss Face . . .

. . . or Blaine sang a song by Katy Perry, while wearing an item of clothing that you would laugh at on anybody else, but, on him, it looks surprisingly adorable?

 “What the hell is on your head, fool?” 

Well, it has been . . . But wait no more, because our New Directions crew is back in action!  And, this time, they have the Luck of the Irish on their side . . .

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That’s right!  This week marked the debut of Glee Project winner, Damian McGinty, as Rory Flanagan, an Irish exchange student, who wears WAY too much green, loves Lucky Charms, and is desperately seeking a Pot of Gold inside Brittany’s pants.

 

In honor of his premiere episode, the character was granted: (1) not one, but two, solo numbers; (2) a truly awful hair style that only an Elvis impersonator could love . . .

(Enough hairspray to make the cast of the Jersey Shore cower in fear . . . )

 . . . (3) and a WHOLE LOTTA green t-shirts .  . .

 . . .  with matching SHORTS! 

So, who cares that it’s still MONTHS away from St. Patty’s day!  Crack open your green beer, dress yourself up in four leaf clovers, and . . . yeah .  . . I can’t think of a third thing since, like most people. I tend to spend my St. Patty’s days completely wasted because it’s time to dig in to the “Pot O’Gold.”

How a Bunch of Corpses Saved West Side Story

“Vote for ME!”

Surprise!  Sue is still using her national political campaign to try and screw over Glee club.  This time, she does it by attacking the school’s production of West Side Story, which, of course, stars ONLY Glee clubbers.  After getting McKinley High parents all riled up, by broadcasting the show’s $2,000 plus budget on the local news, she then incites them to lash out at Principal Figgins . . . kind of like this lady is doing .  . .

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(This was my favorite part of the entire episode, by the way . . .  I have a feeling I will be using this GIF A LOT, in the future.)

Since Principal Figgins almost always caves quickly and easily to Sue Sylvester Pressure . . .

Hmmm . .  . I wonder why? 

 . . . New Directions soon finds itself without a school play . . . unless, of course, it can raise the $2,000 on its own.  Mister Schue suggests that the kiddies sell ad space in school publications to raise the missing funds.  “But WHO will buy the ads?” You might be asking yourself.

“Oh, please let it be someone cool . . . pretty please let it be someone cool.” 

Enter the ever-adorable Burt Hummel, and his merry band of morticians / funeral directors.  (I’m guessing Burt’s Auto Body Shop offers a two-for-one special on fixing hearses?)

)This looks like an advertisement for the Hair Club for Men . . . )

Doh!  So much for “cool” . . .

These men decide to front the cost of West Side Story, because . . . well . . . a lot of characters die in the play.  So, basically, it’s like One Big Fat Funeral Home Commercial!

Yay, Death! 

The aforementioned exchange (along with some nagging from Will) prompts Burt to enter the political arena, and challege Sue for the congressional seat, as a Pro Arts Candidate.  Of course, Burt appears on the  Sue’s precious local news program, to announce his “write-in” candidacy.  You GO, Burt!

Is that really Kurt’s dad?  I almost didn’t recognize him without the baseball cap . . . 

Speaking of hats . . .

The Dorky Hat Dance

Who are the dudes in the background?  Do they even go to this school? 

In completely (and I mean completely) unrelated news, Blaine performs “Last Friday Night” with the rest of New Directions, while wearing an extremely dorky hat.

He does this to “unite” the Glee clubbers, after the untimely loss of Mercedes from Glee club, which has seriously dragged on the group’s spirits of late.  You know, because nothing brings teenagers together like stories of public intoxication and alcoholic blackouts . . .

“No kidding . . .”

Unfortunately, rather than bringing the group together (though most of them seem perfectly happy to rub up on one another, throughout the song), the musical number has the unintended consequence of making Finn jealous of Blaine (probably, because he could never pull off a hat like that) . . .

“And he still looks attractive . . . amazing.”

 . . .  and Santana to become extremely annoyed at him (because she ALSO could never pull off a hat like that, but also because she assumes that Blaine and Rachel will now share all of New Directions’ solos, just as Rachel and Finn did, last year).

This prompts Santana to quit Glee club, and join Mercedes in Shelby Corcoran’s group, where the solos are a-plenty, and the members who pee standing up are a-zero.

But could Santana ever REALLY leave her lady love Brittany floundering all alone in an extra curricular activity, without her?   PERISH THE THOUGHT!

This reminds me .  . . did I mention that Santana and Brittany are “officially and item now?”  Because they are!  At some point during the hiatus, Santana and Brittany have apparently progressed in their relationship to eating shrimp cocktails together at Breadsticks (Santana pays, of course), and holding hands underneath napkins.

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Even better is the fact that they leave little love notes / daily affirmations in eachother’s locker from their favorite pets . . .

I hereby would like to start a campaign to nominate Lord Tubbington for an Emmy.  Who’s with me?

In Fox TV land, this is practically the equivalent of marriage . . .

But let’s get back to the Lucky Charms . . .

That’s One Horny Leprechaun!

New Irish Exchange Student, Rory Flanagan, wants to make friends . . . badly.  He figures that if he does, maybe he’ll stop getting pushed into lockers, every five seconds.  Fat chance considering you’re about to join New Directions.  These people practically live with their backs up against the lockers, and their hair covered in red slushie. But, more importantly than that, Rory wants to get laid . . . by anyone, really . . . but specifically by Brittany, at who’s house he is currently staying.

My goodness!  It’s yet another stupid hat.  Was there some kind of two for one special in the wardrobe department? 

Fortunately, Brittany thinks Rory is a leprechaun.  And, apparently, she’s always really wanted to screw one of those  . . . which is kind of disturbing, actually.  (Then again, this is the girl who once created a campaign poster featuring Kurt Hummel being “ridden” by a unicorn.)

What a horny girl! 

So, Brittany promises Rory that, if he grants her three wishes, she will show him her “pot of gold.”

“Does that mean what I think it means?” 

Now, I suspect,  is supposed to mean her . . . um . . . Happy Place.  However, knowing Brittany, could actually just mean her favorite  . . . gold pot . . . or some really quality reefer.  Nonetheless, this is a risk Mr. Leprechaun is willing to take.  In fact, he even sings about it, performing a rendition of “It’s Not Easy Wanting to Bone Brittany Being Green.”

It was all right, I guess.  But I liked it better when THIS guy sang it.

Brittany’s first wish is to have a box of Lucky Charms made entirely of marshmallows . . . a wish that Rory the Leprechaun can grant easily enough, because . . . you know .  . . he and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun go WAY back.

Magically delicious! 

Her second wish is a bit more tricky.  She wants her pet cat to poop chocolate.  (Doesn’t everybody?)  Rory cleverly uses a bit of trickery (and some Baby Ruth bars) to satisfy this second wish.  And then he and Brittany “eat the poop” together.

OK . .  . now that’s just gross.

Santana uses up Brittany’s third wish, to get her to quit the Glee club, and join Shelby Corcoran’s all-girl singing group, the Troubletones, which, up until this week, only featured Mercedes and the tone-deaf, Sugar.  However, it recently added the ever-fed up with her lack of solos, Santana to its roster.  Brittany is clearly upset with her girly girl’s choice of wish.

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But, far be it for her to disobey a leprechaun . . .

What really seals the deal though is Finn’s absolutely MORONIC attempt to get Brittany back onto New Directions, upon hearing from his new “friend,” Rory, what Santana has done.  “You are an idiot,” Finn tells Brittany.

Uh oh!  Finn, we all know what happened to ARTIE, when HE called Brittany stupid.

So, yeah . . . off she goes to join the Troubletones.

Once there,  Brittany and the rest of the group dress up like Old-Fashioned USO girls, and sing Christina Aquilera’s “Candyman.”  There performance is undoubtedly something the old hardass Vocal Adrenaline coach, Shelby Corcoran would have hated.  But, since Shelby is a completely different character now a mom now, who’s a bit more kind-hearted, when it comes to these things, she loves it.

MORE stupid hats . . . I can’t believe it! 

Later,  when Finn comes to apologize to Brittany for calling her an idiot, Rory reminds Brittany that he has now granted HER three wishes, since Finn is now totally cool with her leaving New Directions.  Recognizing that Finn is not REALLY happy at all, and is just putting on a brave face, Brittany comes to the sudden realization that (horror of horrors) leprechauns aren’t real.

Ruh roh!  It looks like Rory’s days of digging through Brittany’s Pot of Gold are over, before they even started . . .

But hey!  At least now he can stop wearing green, switch to McKinley high’s token color, red, and . . . wait for it . . . join New Directions.

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 They even let him sing a song to welcome himself to the gang, “Take Care of Yourself.”  I thought it was just OK, but Rachel apparently thought it was “magically delicious.” Go figure . . .

Elsewhere in school . . .

How to Quiet Your Baby (and satisfy your cougar)

Quinn commandeers Puck in her villainous plan to get Shelby to lose custody of Baby Beth, so that she can get her back, and have something else to look forward to in her future, aside from being really, really pretty for the next 15 to 20 years.

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Man, I miss Goth Quinn.

At least she had cool hair, fun minions (the Skanks), and an ironic Ryan Seacrest Tattoo . . . Psycho Killer / Baby Napper Quinn just bugs me.  (But I really like her wardrobe!) 

I mean, how exactly do you redeem a character from a horrible arc like this, aside from giving her a Life Altering / Brush with Death experience?  In other words, if I were Quinn I wouldn’t be (1) going to the doctor; (2) getting into a car; (3) or pretty much leaving the house at all for the rest of the season.  Just sayin’ . . .

The plan begins, cleverly enough, with Puck and Quinn buying Shelby some concealer, and subtly telling her she looks like crap, because she’s been spending too many late nights with the baby.  The pair then offer to babysit, and give her the night off.

Shelby complies, and, while she’s away, Quinn starts planting all this Bad for Baby crap in her house.  She doesn’t go so far as to get Beth taken away from Shelby, but not for lack of trying.  In fact, she even calls child services on the Glee club teacher’s ass, but they are conveniently “backlogged,” and can’t do anything about the alleged child abuse.  (Nice, right?)

Cut to Shelby getting Puck a pool cleaning gig, and Puck feeling super guilty about how he helped Quinn ruin Shelby.  So, Puck visits the teacher’s house to remove all the Bad for Baby Items planted therein.  Once he’s done with that, Puck and Shelby share a moment, over how terribly lonely being a single mother can be. *gag, snort, puke*  When Beth starts throwing a temper tantrum, Puck immediately makes her stop crying, by singing a bad 80’s song, “Waiting for a Girl Like You,” which he accompanies on his guitar.

Clearly, Beth has lousy taste in music . . . But, then again, so does Shelby, because she’s looking at Puck now, like she wants to swallow him whole.  Puck takes advantage of this “sure to help me get laid” moment, by grabbing Shelby’s hand,  looking deeply into her eyes, and telling her that he will be there for her, whenever she needs him . . . always.

Shelby must buy it, hook, line, and sinker, because, at the end of the episode, the pair makeout.

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(SUCKER!)

Ahhh .  . . just what prime time television needs, yet another, vaguely inappropriate student-teacher relationship, in which the actor who plays the student is only actually a few years younger than the actor who plays the teacher, and actually looks about the same age as her or him.  We’ve never seen that before.  No sir!

And that was “Pot O’Gold” in a nutshell.  So, tell me, my fellow Gleeks.  What did you think of the episode?  Are you already a Rory fan, or do you, like Santana, wish that he would just “do everybody a favor and disappear?”

Are you shipping Shelby and Puck?  Do you wish Lord Tubbington stopped smoking?  Are you digging the Troubletones?  And finally, where do you think I could get a ridiculous hat, like the one Blaine was wearing in his performance of “Last Friday Night?”

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Speaking of Blaine, next week, it seems like he will cash in Kurt’s V-card, while Finn cashes in Rachel’s (though hopefully not at the same time, or in the same room, because that would just be weird).

“Like a Virgin?”  NOT ANYMORE!

You can check out the promo for The First Time,” here:

(That’s funny . . . I’ve always suspected that Finn was terrible in bed.  As it turns out, I’m right.  Go figure!)

Until next time, Gleeks!

[www,juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

I LOVE YOU, MIKE CHANG! – A Recap of Glee’s “Asian F”

[ (Mildly) Important Note About the The Vampire Diaries Recap for “Disturbing Behavior”:  Hey Folks!  I suspect some of you might be scouring the home page in search of my most recent TVD recap.  All I can say is, IT’S COMING!  I was feeling a bit under the weather last night, and decided it would be best to publish a thorough recap a bit late, rather than publish a shoddy recap on time.  I promise to make it up to you, by adding plenty of extra yummy pics and GIFS into the mix! 😉  I hope you can forgive me.  The recap should be up by early this evening (probably 8 or 9ish) Eastern Standard time.  See you then, Fangbangers!]

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Would it be inappropriate for me to ask you to have my babies?  It would?  Well, could you just flash your abs at me then?

Oh, dear, sweet, Mike Chang.  You started off Season 1 as the Mysterious, Possibly Mute, Dancing Guy . . .  a guy who . . . except for during the instrumental portion of songs . . . remained largely in the background.  Then came Season 2, and our introduction to those glorious specimens of nature known as YOUR ABS.

You started dating Tina . . . and we started taking notice . . . but mostly just of your midsection.

Yes, I pasted the Abs Picture again . . . just in case you forgot what they looked like, when I pasted them two sentences ago.  You got a problem with that? 

But, now Season 3 is here . . . . Asian F has aired . . . and though it would be illegal in many states, I suspect there are many women out there, over legal drinking age, who would very much like to “Asian F” you, if  you catch my drift. 😉

So, strap on those dancing shoes, because this ode to New Directions most woefully under-appreciated club members is about to begin . . .

Finn is happy . . .

And so is his spirit animal . . .

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Be Cool, Mike Chang!

That’s right, Mike Chang!  You kick that poopyhead, Bad Influence Boyfriend!  You kick him HARD! 

Mike Chang’s dad is mad as hell.  And he’s not going to take it anymore!

“This is my mad face, which, coincidentally, is not all that different from my happy face.  Emotions are for losers . . . and people who score A minuses on their high school exams.” 

His son is on a path toward destruction!  He’s dating a vampire . . . well, at least someone who sometimes dresses like one!

Damon Salvatore finds this extremely insulting . . . 

He’s in GLEE CLUB.  And worst of all, he took a chemistry test, and received an A minus . . . an ASIAN F!  At this rate, Mike will NEVER get into Harvard!

Oh, the horror! 

Papa Chang thinks Mike might be ON DRUGS  . . . and begs Principal Figgins to force him to submit to drug tests each week.  He also wants him to . . . wait for it . . . QUIT GLEE CLUB. (NOOOOOOOOOO!)

Poor Mike!  He’s horrified of the idea of losing the part of his life, that he values most.  He promises his dad that he will do better . . . pay for a chemistry tutor, and never Asian F again (Well, at least not THAT kind of Asian F.)

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But the problem, of course, is that Mike has A LOT on his plate right now.  He’s going to Glee club practice.  He’s spending extra hours at the school helping Mr. Schue run Booty Camp.  He’s on the football team.  He’s teaching the football team to dance, as part of Coach Beiste’s requirement that they all audition for the school play.

And, perhaps, most importantly (for purposes of this episode, anyway) Mike has decided to audition for the role of Riff in the school’s production of West Side Story.  It’s a dancing part, of course.  But it’s also . . . wait for it . . . a singing part.  And we all know that singing isn’t necessarily a talent that comes naturally to Mike Chang . . .

“I’m really good at sex though.” 

Will Mike be able to juggle it all, while earning straight A’s (NOT A minuses!), AND earn the role of his dreams?  Mike decides to dance on it.  In what was my opinion, the most moving part of the episode, Mike heads alone to the dance studio rips off his shirt, to reveal a super tight, arms bearing tank top (but no abs, unfortunately), and dances his frustrations, hopes and dreams in total and complete silence.

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*insert stripper music, and lewd whistles here*

Then, he has imaginary conversations, both with his father — who values scholastic achievement above all else — and his girlfriend — who encourages his passion for dance, and the arts.  Bolstered by the power he gets from his dancing, Mike finally feels capable of unburdening himself, and telling the two people he admires most, exactly how he feels . . . Well, technically, he only does it in his mind .  . . but it’s certainly a start . .  .

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Damn straight, Tina!

And though Mike has been double booked (He is supposed to be learning chemistry right now), our hero, though a bit late, DOES, ultimately decide to audition for the role of Riff.  He does so, with one of the character’s token solos, a toe-tapping, finger-snapping number entitled “Cool,” which showcases both his trademark dance moves, and his raspy, yet surprisingly sexy, singing voice.

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“Yeah . . . I know . . . I’m awesome.  You totally want to get with this.”

Accompanying him on his audition are some pretty goofy-looking dancing football players.  (So, now we know where Mike has slacked.)

“OK guys . . . you just keep doing the hokey pokey.  And I swear, nobody is going to ever find out that I never actually taught you to dance.”

But hey, nobody’s perfect . . .

After the audition, Mike returns to the comfort of the dance studio.  It is there where he encounters his mother.  Upon noticing that he had missed his appointment with his chemistry tutor, she had arrived at the school to make sure he was OK.  UH OH!  Busted!

Tired of hiding his true self, Mike finally comes clean to his mother.  He doesn’t want to be a doctor, engineer or astrophysicist, when he grows up.  Wait for it . . . Mike wants to be . . . a professional dancer.  The notion that Mike would end up coming clean to someone in his family about his true desires was not necessarily shocking or unexpected.  What WAS shocking, however, was his mother’s response.

Mike’s mother admits that she was not as courageous as her son was, and gave up her own dreams to do what was expected of her.  She does not want that for her son.  And so Mike’s mother promises to support Mike’s dreams.  “But what about Papa Chang?”  You might ask.

“When you get the part [of Riff], we will tell him together,” Mama Chang tells her son.

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“OK . . . cool, now while I have you here.  I guess it’s also time I told you that I’ve fallen in love with a TV Recapper . . .”

And just in case you weren’t already reaching for the Kleenex at this point in the scene, there’s more!  Mike asks his mother what dream SHE gave up during her childhood.  As it turns out, she too wanted to be a dancer, but never had the wherewithal to take lessons.  “Well, I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good teacher unless you are a football player,” says Mike.

Then .  . . wait for it . . . he SLOW DANCES WITH HIS MOM!

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All together now . . . AWWWWW!

“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.” 

But Mike wasn’t the only Gleek dancing his way to  success and satisfaction this week . . .

Brittany Runs the World (well . . . at least the gym)

I’ve decided I want to be Brittany S. Pearce for Halloween this year, and use the outfit she’s wearing here as my costume .  . . Now, if only the costume came with her legs . . . 

I told you Brittany is running for class president, last week, didn’t I?  What I didn’t tell you is that she’s running a ROCKING CAMPAIGN, one based on the notion that the student council, up to this point, has been a predominately Man’s World.  And this, in her opinion is why the “economy” of the school is going down the toilet . . . I’m sorry.  I mean, the “magical poop-stealing water chair.”

Give me back my poop, B*tch! 

So, the usually daft Brittany, in a rare show of genius, plans an all-female flash mob that begins in the halls of McKinley High, and ends in the school gym.

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And you know the darn thing is a unanimous success, when you see the faculty (even Sue Sylvester!) doing their own nerdy chair-dances, as they watch her boogie down . . .

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Speaking of (slightly nerdy) teachers . . .

More Adventures in Bad Parenting (Emma Pillsbury Edition)

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Have you ever wondered why Emma Pillsbury is . . . the way she is?  You know . . . perpetually virginal, scared of her own shadow, and OCD-tastic?

Well, Will kind of wants to know too.  After all, he would eventually like to marry this girl, and maybe even (GASP) actually bone her.

(Welcome to the ONLY man in the world, who doesn’t appear the least bit freaked out by his girlfriend’s Secret Wedding Magazine stash.   And this is despite his having, pretty much, the WORST FIRST WIFE EVER!).

Two Words:  Fake . . . Pregnancy.

In furtherance of his ultimate dual goal of getting both married and laid, Will requests to be introduced to Emma’s parents.  The Schue undoubtedly knows from experience that the mere asking of this question sometimes has the result of causing marriage-intent women’s panties to immediately fly off their bodies, at warp speed.  But Emma is not one of those women.  In fact, she is SO dead set against this idea, that she lies and claims that her parents are DEAD, despite Will having HEARD her talk to them on the phone the night before.

“They are ghosts.  I have ghost parents,” Emma offers feebly.

Will is crushed.  He’s convinced that Emma doesn’t want him to meet her parents, because she’s ASHAMED OF Will, his freakish hair, odd attachment to underage girls and boys, teacher’s salary, and inability to say, “Have Mercyyyyy,” like that guy from Full House.

Remember him? 

Will turns to Beiste for help with his quandary, but she is too enamored with her MASSIVE BOWL OF CREAMY DISGUSTING PASTA to offer much in the way of advice.

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“We deliver!”

However, in between mouthfuls of mush, she does manage to tell Will that he’s dreamy, and a catch, and should INTRODUCE HIMSELF TO EMMA’S PARENTS . . .

Wait . . . WHAT?!

Oh, no Will . . . no, no no!  Just say NO!  Hasn’t being on this show for three seasons taught you that 9 out of 10 parents on Glee (and on most teen shows, for that matter) are ASSHATS and weirdos?

(Kurt’s dad and stepmom, and Mike’s mom, so far, seem to be the only exceptions to this rule.)

But Will doesn’t listen to my screams at the television.  And why should he?  He’s a MORON! He’s stubborn.

“Moi?”

So, Will invites Emma’s parents to his house on a night when he and Emma are SUPPOSED to be having a Romantic Dinner.  (Really Will?  And you think this is going to HELP you get laid?)  Emma is mortified, and pleads with Will to put an end to these shenanigans, ASAP.  So, Will asks HER, “Are you ashamed of me?”

(She’s not, Will.  BUT I AM!)

Emma then admits what most of us have probably known all along.  Emma isn’t ashamed of Will at all.  She’s ashamed of HER parents.  And here’s why:  One of them was on the show, Happy Days.  They are . . . wait for it . . . GINGER SUPREMACISTS.

Huh?

I know weird right . . . of all the strange deviant things the writers could have come up with for Emma’s parents, THIS is what they choose?  People who hate those who don’t have red hair?  SERIOUSLY?  Oh, and they are emotionally abusive too, which helps add some poignancy to the plotline but not much..

Well, they certainly LOOK evil . . .

All snarkery aside, when Emma’s mom, mocked Emma’s incessant silverware cleaning at the table, by calling her “Freaky Deaky,” and telling the rest of the table that she has a “case of the Cleanies,” you could tell just how much it tore Emma apart.  Kudos to Jayma Mays for adding some real legitimacy and depth, to what could have been a REALLY ridiculous story, with her impressive acting ability.  My heart really went out to Emma in this scene.

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And Will too, creepy as he may be, most of the time won some major points from me for standing up to Emma’s parents, calling them out on their racism, and emotionally abusive treatment of their daughter.  He also, more or less told them that Emma is a wonderful human being, OCD and all.

Later that night, Will finds Emma frantically rubbing her hands together compulsively before bed.  It is clear that Emma’s recent run-in with the parental units has made her OCD that much worse.  Will, of course, feels incredibly guilty (AS HE SHOULD!)  And though not a particularly religious man, he kneels down to pray with Emma, when she admits that doing so gives her comfort at her most out of control moments.

WILL: “Dear Lord, please allow me to have sex again, before I’m old enough to require a little blue pill to help me get it up.” 

And its a sweet, quiet scene . . . until Will starts singing Coldplay’s Fix You, which, though well intentioned, could be interpreted as a bit condescending, not to mention kind of contrary to the notion of Will loving Emma, exactly as she is.

I mean, yeah, Emma’s is clearly uncomfortable with her condition, and it prevents her from HAVING AWESOME SEX making the most of her life.  But still, in light of what just happened, wouldn’t it have been nicer for Will to sing something a bit more comforting?  I know, the Glee cast has already covered Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are.”  But hey, Billy Joel sang a song with that title too!

Also, I never particularly cared for Will’s “falsetto voice.”  The songs he sings on a lower register tend to be a bit less  . . . how do I put this kindly . . . annoying.  (For example, his renditions of “Tell Me Something Good,” and “Bust a Move,” remain some of my favorite Glee singles.  His version of “Kiss” by Prince . . . not so much.)  Other than that . . . um . . .  GREAT SONG!

Meanwhile, back at school .  . .

Divas Never Win (And Winners Never Diva)

“Remember when I used to be the most well-liked girl in Glee club . . . That was nice while it lasted.” 

Mercedes new Bad Influence Boyfriend, Shane, has been Lady Macbeth-ing her to shun all her friends, in pursuit of the role of Maria in West Side Story.  He puffs up Mercedes head with a lot of hot air, by telling her that the Glee club doesn’t appreciate her talents.

I couldn’t help but notice that both Mercedes and Bad Influence Boyfriend are eating tater tots in this scene.  Ahhh . . . memories. 

And that she is more like the part Beyonce played in Dreamgirls, even though she thinks of herself as the part Jennifer Hudson played.  (Umm . . . Shane . . . wait . . . wasn’t Jennifer Hudson the STAR of Dreamgirls?  Didn’t she WIN AN OSCAR FOR IT?  And wasn’t her character supposed to be . . . THE BEST SINGER IN THE GROUP?)

I mean, I get it . . . Effie in dreamgirls was a character whose talent her producers and bandmates didn’t appreciate, due to her weight . . . but still, BAD ANALOGY SHANE!  Oh, and maybe I’m stereotyping here.  But somehow I have difficulty envisioning this big burly football player going all gaga over the musical version of a chick flick . . . Just sayin’

Anywhoo, Mercedes has been a bit under the weather lately.  She is nauseous, weak, fatigued, and sore.  (Thank the lord, Amber Riley confirmed that her character is not preggars, because I REALLY can’t handle another BABY TALE!)  And because of this, she’s been a bit lax in her Glee practice and booty camp attendance.

So, of course, the increasingly screechy Will is quick to call her out on this fact at Booty Camp.  (Why is Will telling off his students becoming a weekly event on this show?)  If Mercedes expects to get support from her fellow Gleeks for her plight, she is sorely mistaken.  The recently returned to New Directions’ Santana (Mr. Schue’s candidate for screeching in Episode 1), is quick to call Mercedes out on her “laziness,” and poor eating habits.

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(Read Santana’s lips in this GIF.   Doesn’t it kind of look like she’s telling Mercedes to f*&k off?)

Tired of being (what she considers) picked on by her friends and supposed mentor, and bolstered by Bad Influence Boyfriend, Mercedes chooses to sing the soulful song “Spotlight” for her Maria audition.

Her performance impresses all of the casting directors (Beiste, Emma and Artie) greatly.  And so Mercedes begins to believe she may have a shot at being the Beyonce character in Dreamgirls, after all!

Torn between casting Rachel or Mercedes in the role of Maria, the casting directors decide to hold . . . you guessed it  .  .  . a diva off to see which “Maria” is best for the part.

SURPRISE!

Feeling like she is destined to end up in the shadow of Rachel’s spotlight, once again, Mercedes acts out in Booty Camp class, when Will berates her for not being able to successfully perform the “Widowmaker” dance move.    She accuses Will of playing favorites with Rachel, at the rest of the club’s expense.

Will is so outraged by this accusation that he offers Mercedes an ultimatum: “Shape up, or you are out of the Glee club for good.”

These harsh words inspire Mercedes to have . . . you guessed it .  . . a Dreamgirls’ Dream Sequence, with Mercedes in the role of Effie, and the rest of the Glee Club members (sans Rachel), as .  . . well . . . slightly meaner and more flashily dressed versions of themselves, I guess.  The Dream Sequence — which is based on the scene in the movie, where Effie is kicked out of the Dreamgirls for her purportedly bad behavior, when, unbeknownst to everyone else in the group, she is only acting that way because she is pregnant — pretty much features the entire cast telling Mercedes off and ditching her ass to the tune of Dreamgirls‘ “It’s All Over.”

On the day of the Diva Off, a nervous Mercedes and Rachel stand at opposite ends of the stage, with their respective boyfriends waiting in the wings to offer them support.  The song they both sing is “Out Here on My Own,” from Fame.  And though the song is not necessarily my favorite, and sounds a bit too much like the recently performed “Spotlight,” for my taste, both contenders do an admirable job performing it, with Mercedes edging out Rachel ever-so-slightly, during the parts of the song that require belting.

“I am quite the belter . . .” 

(In a way, this song was custom-made for Mercedes’ deep sultry voice, and enviably powerful pipes, thereby putting the softer, sweeter-voiced Rachel at a distinct disadvantage.)

Sorry!  That’s just how I feel. 

Rachel comes out of the audition,  certain that she has lost the role to Mercedes.  Fearing that not having the lead in the school play will make getting into that fancy New York performing arts school she covets, near impossible, Rachel impulsively vies for another after school activity to put on her resume . . . coincidentally . . . or  not-so-coincidentally . . . it’s the same after-school activity for which Kurt is campaigning (who has recently graciously accepted his boyfriend’s decision to try out for the lead in the play as well, and is even surprisingly supportive of his decision).

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“Don’t worry.  I promise it’s not a gun.” 

Kurt is crushed that his bestie would betray him in this way Not to mention surprised.  I mean, don’t you have to be POPULAR to win class president.  Most of the school HATES Rachel!.   And he is not exactly shy about telling her exactly how she feels, ” —-”  Even Finn, who, himself is no stranger to selfish behavior, seems appalled by Rachel’s lack of sensitivity.   He doesn’t even know if he’s going to vote for her!  (And now she’s probably only going to get one vote . . . her own.)

Oops!

When it comes time to choose who gets to play Maria, the show’s casting directors (lamely) decide to cast BOTH women in the role, each person gets the part for a week.  Though frustrating from a plot perspective, it seems like a fair deal for both girls, and Rachel, for her part, accepts the offer fairly readily.   But NOT MERCEDES!  Recognizing that she probably had the better audition (a point about which Rachel doesn’t necessarily disagree), Mercedes becomes convinced that the directors cast both girls, in order to protect Rachel’s feelings.

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And so she THROWS A TEMPER TANTRUM, and quits the show ALTOGETHER .  . .

. . . thereby giving Rachel the part by default.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!  Or maybe not . . . toward the end of the episode, Mercedes approaches the director of the virtually singer-less (save the tone deaf, Sugar Motta) SECOND school Glee club, Shelby Corcoran, of being admitted into HER club, where, by default she will undoubtedly become it’s version of Rachel Berry.

The power-hungry Rachel then decides to continue to run for class president ANYWAY, despite the fact that she now has FULL reigns to the lead in the School Play, and a solid chance of getting into the ollege of her dreams, while her “friend” Kurt is still struggling to find HIS ticket to admission.  (Yeah . . . she’s kind of a b*tch . . .)

“Ooh!  You’re so BAD!” 

And the part goes to . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we FINALLY get to see who got the parts in the West Side Story  musical.   And though, the results are not all that surprising (After all, for the most part, the only people we saw rehearse all got the parts for which they rehearsed), it was still uplifting to see the looks on those Gleeks faces when they learned their school play dreams had come true . . .

I loved seeing Kurt sweetly hug Blaine, upon seeing that he was rewarded the lead role of Tony.  (Kurt ended up landing the part of Officer Krupke . . .  not bad!)

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And Santana’s adorable little understated (but obviously thrilled) smile, upon seeing that she got the part of Anita, was countered with a HUGE EMBRACE by an ecstatic Brittany.  (Have I mentioned yet today how much I ADORE these two.)

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Mike Chang’s winning the role of Riff brought tears to my eyes for about the third time, during the hour.

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And Rachel’s win of the part of Maria, though bittersweet, was not entirely unexpected, or unwanted.

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(Remember when Blaine and Rachel drunk kissed last season, during the “Blame it On the Alcohol,” episode?  Oh yeah!  We are going to get some more of that!)

So, that was Glee, in a nutshell.  I must say, I share many Gleeks admiration for this touching, and well-acted episode, which I feel truly harkened back to the show’s Season 1, heydey.  Mercedes, Will, and Rachel kind of pissed me off, though . . .

“Et tu Recapper?”

Tune in next MONTH, when Quinn makes a play for Baby Beth, Puck makes a play for Shelby . . .

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 . . . and Mercedes and Santana shoot for ALTERNA-GLEE CLUB super-stardom.  You can check out the trailer for the next episode, which is entitled “Pot O’Gold,” here:

So, my Gleekies, what did you think of “Asian F?”  Was it all you hoped for in a Glee episode and more?  Or did you find it to be a bit overhyped?  Are you as much in love with Mike Chang  (and his abs) as I am?  Do you think Mercedes is a bigger diva than Rachel?  And, perhaps least importantly, which Glee kid do you think Mr. Schue is going to freak out on in Episode 4?

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Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.  And please,  take your time . . . we have a loooong hiatus ahead of us . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Show Me Your Horn, Baby! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Am Unicorn”

“Now, Brittany, I understand that sex sells.   But don’t you think that using a picture of me with a giant stick coming out of my head is a bit  . . . um . . . horn-y, for a high school campaign?” 

Greetings Gleeks!  This week’s episode was all about embracing who you are, and being yourself unless you are a goth-looking skank, or a bad-dancing mechanic, then this episode was about being someone more socially acceptable.  Though admittedly light on musical numbers (there were only three, and all of them were show tunes), “I Am Unicorn,” was filled with a ton of heart, a sh*tload of unicorns, and some REALLY, REALLY big horns . . .

“It’s not the size of your horn, but where you stick it how you use it that really matters.”

Let’s review, shall we?

Because I’ve Always Personally Been Curious About the Bathroom Habits of Mythical Creatures

 

It starts off just like any other morning at McKinley High.  Kurt is primping and prepping in front of his locker, and making googly eyes at the wallet-sized snapshot of Blaine that hangs therein, when Brittany arrives.  Brittany has great news.  Apparently, Kurt is the Biggest Unicorn in the entire SCHOOL!

What is a unicorn, you ask?  Well, according to Brittany, a unicorn is a horse who got a horn for doing a good deed.  Then, he poops out cotton candy, until his horn falls off, and becomes a zebra.  Wait . . . what?  Did I really just type that?

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Apparently, I did . . . 

As bizarre as this all sounds, in Brittany’s Little World, being told that you poop cotton candy is a compliment of the highest order!  Brittany is so impressed with Kurt’s individuality and ability to survive insurmountable odds, that she wishes to become his campaign manager for Student Council President.  Brittany believes that her popularity, coupled with the fact that she is kind of slutty, can help the Mythical Creature Kurt to win a ton of votes.

And so, she invites herself over to his house to go over poster ideas.  A skeptical Kurt asks Brittany why SHE didn’t want to run for Student Council herself.  To this, she responds that she’s not smart enough.

This made me sad . . . (almost sad enough to poop cotton candy).

Fortunately, I manage to restrain myself (and took some Immodium) for the sake of continuing this recap.

After school, Brittany heads over to Kurts house, to show him his new campaign posters.  And they are, pretty much, the most awesome campaign posters I have EVER SEEN!  And yet, one can’t help but notice that they have a bit of a “theme” to them . . .

Kurt, who is currently clad in his tight green henley shirt, and sailor’s cap, is just appalled by how “GAY” the posters are.  He says that he’d prefer a more neutral campaign poster, like THIS one . . .

Ummm . .  . Kurt?  I hate to break it to you, but your poster doesn’t exactly scream “I like to bang chicks,” either.  It also says “winning” on it, a word that has been forever ruined by Charlie Sheen . . . just sayin’. 

And besides Kurt, Brittany’s campaign strategy is AMAZING.  It involves giving everybody at school Big Pink Sparkly Glitter Bags with minature versions of Tinky Winky in them.  And who doesn’t love Tinky Winky?

Now THAT’S a teletubby who knows how to accessorize!

When Brittany (with Santana’s help) begins the process of putting her posters up all around school, Kurt freaks out and starts ripping them down (more on why later).  His ungrateful reaction stuns and deeply hurts Brittany, who now believes she has failed her precious unicorn.  That is until Santana comes to the rescue, with her surprisingly sweet, and heartfelt, pep talk.  (How adorable are these two?)

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Santana tells Brittany that her campaign is brilliant . . . that there is no one like her . . and that she IS the unicorn.

And what’s great about the speech, is that it’s so NOT the typical type of thing the usually-caustic Santana would say. But Brittany brings out a sort of protective, and almost maternal, kindness in Santana that few other people get the chance to see.

Plus, she’s right.  Those posters rock! And Kurt rose to the top of my Poopy List for denigrating them . . .

Take THAT
Hummel!

Speaking of maternal influences . . .

Two Glee Clubs (for the price of one), One Baby (for the price of hair dye)

“Awww . . . see that little piece of hair sticking up on the side?  That’s Baby’s first Mohawk!”

Did anyone else find it fishy that Shelby Corcoran, Vocal Adrenaline’s first coach, arrived at McKinley High to run a second Glee Club it doesn’t need, right around the time that Dustin Ghoulsby, Vocal Adrenaline’s second coach (a.k.a. the HOT one) . . .

 . . . was purportedly fired from his position, leaving New Direction’s main rival without a supervisor?  Here’s hoping this isn’t another one of those annoying Vocal Adrenaline SPY plotlines.  After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time such a thing has happened . . .

 . . . or the second, for that matter . . .

Anywhoo, just as many of us suspected, tone deaf, self-diagnosed Asperger’s sufferer, Sugar Motta, didn’t take being rejected by the New Directions lying down.  Instead, she had her daddy pay for the school to start a WHOLE NEW Glee club, one where she will be the star.

“And we shall call our selves ‘Mr. Motta’s Strangled Cats,’ because our unique sound will be similar to that of animals dying.’“

Nevermind the fact that NOBODY at McKinley High, save for the people ALREADY IN GLEE CLUB, have any interest in show choir (in fact, most of them HATE show choir . . . and want to throw slushees at it).  Also, nevermind the fact that McKinley High never seems to have any money for the after-school clubs it ALREADY has . . .

In Shelby’s defense, she doesn’t seem particularly interested in coaching show choir, at all.  She’d much rather spend her time flirting with Mr. Schue, apologizing for abandoning singing more random duets with her Bio Daughter, Rachel, and taunting Puck and Quinn with the baby they gave up for adoption this past year.

Nothing says, I’m sorry I crippled you with self-doubt, Daughter, by skipping town, right when we were starting to get close, like dramatically holding hands, during a musical number . . .

While I’m still not buying Shelby as being a warm and / or maternal individual, she IS a good musical coach.  And her advice to Rachel that she should sing West Side Story’s “Somewhere,” during her audition for the aforementioned play, as opposed to the well-worn, and, obnoxiously conceited (not to mention, Rachel already sang it in another episode) “I Feel Pretty,” was solid.  I also feel like this duet was WAY more story- appropriate, and pleasing to the ears, than that admittedly bizarre duet that the mother/daughter duo did to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” during Shelby’s last appearance on the show . . .

You can listen to “Somewhere” in its entirety, by clicking below . . .

After possibly saving her biological daughter from a lifetime of therapy, Shelby schedules a visit with Puck and the now-skankified Quinn to discuss their possibly becoming a part of THEIR biological daughter’s life.

“Just because I now look like Frenchie from Grease, and have a ridiculous Minnie Mouse bow in my head, doesn’t mean you should keep me from seeing my child.” 

Shelby gives Puck and Quinn an ultimatum.  They can be part of their daughter’s life, provided they agree to look like they came out of a J Crew catalogue at all times.  (I know, I know, that wasn’t she said.  But I’m trying to prove a point here.)

Those of you who have read my Glee-caps before probably know that I’ve been SERIOUSLY missing my darling Puck-ster, ever since the odious Lauren Zizes hijacked his personality (and his balls), last season.

No comment. 

So, the fact that I was treated to a deliciously poignant Puck-centric scene this week, really did mean a lot to me.

Puck visits Shelby at her own home, so that his in-person pleas to be able to see his daughter Beth cannot be ignored.  “I’ll do anything to prove to you that I can be her life.  Please, just give me a chance,” Puck exclaims earnestly.  He even comes bearing some surprisingly impressive (It’s better than I can do, anyway) artwork for the child . . .

Who doesn’t love a good Clown Pig? 

Eventually, Puck’s surprising politeness, and adorableness crack Shelby’s hard facade.  She eventually lets Puck hold (and spend some quality time) with his daughter, with whom anyone could tell he is already enamored . . .

Now, Baby’s got a REAL Mohawk! 

As for Quinn, she’s busy helping the Skanks stuff small girls’ heads in toilets, so they can steal their lunch money  .  . .

Fun! 

New Congressional Hopeful, Sue, immediately recognizes Quinn’s estrangement from . . . well . .  . everything and everybody.  And so, she decides to explot her, in order to undermine Glee club, as per usual bolster her Congressional campaign.  Sue asks Quinn to star in her “The Arts Ate My Life” campaign promo.  And Quinn agrees, provided Sue puts couches under the bleachers, so that Quinn doesn’t have to strain her now emphyzema-filled ASS, while she’s busy trying to “be bad.”

“Doesn’t wearing a hat like that make your head sweat?”

No longer content to just shame Mr. Schue’s program, Sue has to go and humiliate Mr. Schue himself, by having Quinn confront him about how “Glee club ruined her life,” on video . . .

Though Sue’s manipulation of the situation is not particularly surprising, Mr. Schue’s reaction to the event definitely is . . .  He proceeds to scream right back in Quinn’s face, dishing her out some incredibly tough love about how she is basically a spoiled brat, who perpetually plays the Victim Card, whenever things don’t go her way.

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SING IT, Sista!

He also claims that she has no one to blame but herself for her own misfortune.  (Well . . . in Quinn’s defense, that’s not entirely true.  Quinn’s teenage pregnancy was also Puck’s fault . . .at least a little bit. After all, eggs alone do not a baby make, right?)

They do make for a mean omlette though . . .

The harsh speech definitely has its intended effect on Quinn, who runs out of the room in tears, declining to complete the promotional spot.  However, a real change in the character doesn’t occur until SHE, like Puck before her, visits Shelby in her classroom, to talk about the possibility of HER seeing Beth . . .

*sniffle, sniffle* “I’ve just got all these FEELINGS!” 

 Shelby is mildly sympathetic to her plight (after all, she apparently, also had a nervous breakdown and shaved her head after giving up Rachel).  “Stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child . . . er  . . . I mean . . last year . . . says Shelby, sympathetically.  However, the former Vocal Adrenaline coach is still not prepared to waver on this issue:  “No Pink Hair Bleachy Back to Blondie = No Baby.”

The next day, at Mr. Schue’s Mandatory Booty Dance Camp for Horrible Glee Club Dancers, (Hello Finn and Kurt) . . .

 . . . Mr. Schue has just completed teaching Finn the complex wonders of the box step, when Quinn enters the room.  Once again, she is clad in her “pure” white dress, and boring blonde hair, a.k.a. back to being the Stepford Wife everybody always wanted her to be . . .

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Quinn asks to be accepted back in Glee club.  And Mr. Schue, (who really was kind of an asshat to her anyway) “graciously” accepts.  Puck is in Bad Dancing Class too.  And he is looking at Quinn with stars in his eyes, thrilled that, he can once again begin boning someone, who isn’t as awful as Lauren Zizes . . . while wearing condoms, of course that the two of them will now be able to see their baby and become a part of her life . . . together.

BUT WAIT!  There’s a twist!

Apparently, Quinn’s meteoric “Return to Normalcy” (it took less than two episodes, after all . . . which is kind of disappointing, I must say) is not entirely for the reasons everybody thinks.  With a maniacal laugh, and bleached mustache twirl, a disturbingly determined Quinn reveals ot a horrified Puck that she is going to do whatever it takes to get full custody of Beth, even if it means having to give up her pre-existing spot in “Jem and the Holograms.” pretending that she’s NOT having a nervous breakdown . . ., which she most definitely is . . .

“Is this the part where your head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff?” 

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus . . .

The Perfect Camille (but not the perfect Tony)

“So, guys, how about that Packers game, last night?  That final play was really something, wasn’t it?  Did you notice how cute his butt looked in . . . oops .  . . I did it again, didn’t I?” 

McKinley High’s production of West Side Story will be produced by Emma Pillsbury, Coach Beiste (who eats an entire chicken at EVERY MEAL), Artie Abrams, and NOT MR. SCHUE .  . .

 . . . because he has to focus on winning Nationals . . .

Auditioning for roles in the play will be Kurt (of course), Mr. I-Have-Magically-Become-a-Junior-Even-Though-I-Started-The-Show-Older-Than-Kurt Blaine, and NOT FINN . . .

. . .  because he will be busy trying to become a less sucky dancer . . .

“You put your right foot in.  You put your right foot out.  You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.  You do the Hokey Pokey . . .”

 . . . and working at Burt Hummel’s car shop as a mechanic . . . which Rachel Berry is trying not to judge him for . . . but she TOTALLY is judging him . . . only because she thinks he is “better than that” and, therefore, should follow her around like a puppy dog in New York for the rest of his life, as she pursues her dream to become the next Barbara Streisand.

RACHEL: “If I have to hit you with this big stick thingy to get you to listen to reason, I will.”

FINN: “It’s called a tire iron.”

RACHEL: “Whatever, my on-staff chauffeur will be servicing my cars, when I grow up . . .” 

Kurt, for some reason, thinks that the perfect audition song for the role of a macho former-gang member / alpha male named Tony is a Barbara Streisand song, in which he calls himself the “perfect Camille,” prances around the stage in short pants, and flips around some monkey bar contraption like a female gymnast . . .

The song he performs is called, “The Greatest Star,” and you can watch his audition, in its entirety, here:

But then Kurt overhears the show’s directors and producers discussing how Kurt might not appear manly enough to play Tony.  So, he decides to remedy their opinion by GETTING INTO TIGHTS, AND ROLLING AROUND ON A MATTRESS WITH RACHEL BERRY, WHILE SPOUTING SHAKESPEARE MONOLOGUES ABOUT BIRDS?

The results of his second impromptu audition are unsatisfying to say the least.  (But, HILARIOUS!)

It’s Kurt’s devastating realization that he will never get to star in an action movie, or play the romantic lead in a movie about a pro wrestler . . . or a football player . . . or any male character that would feel out of place wearing a pink ascot, that makes him freak out on poor Brittany for pasting those Big Gay Posters, featuring a very horn-y Kurt throughout school . . .

That is, until, he has a talk with his Trusty Old Dad . . .

“Cue the Full House music son.   It’s time for the lesson of the day.” 

Burt tells Kurt, “SURPRISE!  You’re GAY!”

 

“Like . . . really gay  . . . like singing like Diana Ross and owning a Chocolate Factory, gay.”

“Excuse me, Burt.  Did you just call me, Willy Wonka, gay?  I’m NOT gay.  I just really like children and candy . . .  I might be a pedophile, though . . .”

Burt tells Kurt that, if he wants to be a star, he is going to have to chart his own career path, and create his own roles.  And to do this, he must embrace his Big Gay Unicorny self.  So, Kurt decides to do just that.

But it’s too late, because Brittany has already decided (thanks to Santana) that SHE’S a unicorn too.  And she’s going to run for Student Council President against Kurt.

 (And it seems pretty obvious that, mentally challenged or not, she’s TOTALLY going to kick his ass, so . . .)

But that’s OK!  Because, Kurt might still get the role of Tony.  After all,  there’s no one really talented enough to take the role in his place . . .

Well . . . there’s Blaine, but he wouldn’t audition for Tony.  After all, he’s a JUNIOR right?  And a junior wouldn’t want to step on a senior’s toes right?  RIGHT?

OK . . . OK . . . so Blaine’s rendition of “Something’s Coming,” a song that Tony (not someone named Camille) ACTUALLY sings in West Side Story, was pretty darn amazing.  And Blaine’s a pretty manly looking (and acting) guy . . .

 . . . well . . . at least when he wants to be!

But that doesn’t mean the producers are going to GIVE him the role of Tony over Kurt, does it?

Yeah, sorry Kurt!  You’re totally screwed . . .

Until next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]