You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The “Save Elena” Games . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “All My Children”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD.  And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love,  honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity,  freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl.  She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.  And that girl, of course, was  . . . Elena Gilbert.  Isn’ it always?

So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games  TVD-cap . . .

Figuratively (and literally) Fondling Damon Salvatore . . .

The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear.  Hmmm . . .  that teddy bear looks very familiar.  Where have I seen it before?

Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉  Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely.  And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.

“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’

Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone.   And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie!  We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.

“No more phone sex for you, Buster!  (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)” 

Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?

Nahh  . . . I didn’t think so .  . .

Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).

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“Oh hey, Elena!  You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”

Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities.  She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around.  Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself.  And why shouldn’t he be?  After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap.  Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .

But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood.  Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.

She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies.  As it turns out?  Not so much . .

“There’s more where she came from!”

You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena?  Stefan.

(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice.   And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)

 At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*

The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”

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Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever  . . .

As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done.  “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.

But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.”  It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature.  So, instead of high fiving,  Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.

(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement.  Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)

Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.

What?  Elena?  Ruin plans?  NEVER!

Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .

Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house.  So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense.  Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet.  To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth   . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.

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Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .

Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly?  But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet.  He still has THIS to say . . .

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 I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor.  TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes .  . . 😉

With Kol and Klaus out of the house,  Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual .  . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats.  Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this.  Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.

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Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face.  (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.)  So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .

Tales of a Vampire Gigolo

Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women.  You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . .  Well played, Damon.  When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls.  You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .

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Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell.  But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.

That’s better!

Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch  to kill all her kids that very night.   Ruh-roh!  Talk about burying the lead!

Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath.  I disagree.  And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .

“Are you there, Elena?  It’s me, Elijah!”

Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane.  (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?)  As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time.  They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.

This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat.  But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.”  and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”

 “That’s not going to work!”

It works like a charm!

The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering,  quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands.  She confesses everything.  “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.

“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.

One word: HOT!

The battle lines are drawn

While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing.  He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted.  (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . .  perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)

The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another.  Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉

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Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer.  (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.)  Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point.  His lady love is missing.  And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family.  She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna.  Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch.  It’s all highly unpleasant.  But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.

“Just nod and smile, baby.  Just nod and smile.” 

Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing.  What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms.  After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her.  The plan?  Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.

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Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests.  Anything for Elena!  (Man, how many times has THIS happpened!  For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)

Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern.  Hurry up, Salvatores!  Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!

Speaking of balls . . .

The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist

The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one.  Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark.  Caroline, of course,  gets Klaus.  But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls.  Though, I guess  the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.

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Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie.  “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.

First his teeth, now his liver.  I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.”  Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)

This is Kol . . . 

When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely.  *insert whipping sound*

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 “Get to know me, I dare you,” says Klaus, as the two get comfy on a park bench.

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But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark.  In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:

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Back in the bar,  Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.)  So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  It’s like a game of Clue!

All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead .  . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache.  But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger.  Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt.  So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.

A scuffle ensues, and Kol  is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals.  Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head.  He probably would have gotten much worse.  But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand.  i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.

The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .

Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .

Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt.  The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it,  while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals.  (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.)  Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .

Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.”  Neither one wants to do it.

 

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But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts.  They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse.  We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.

Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans.  But really, the Originals should be expecting this.  After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once.  The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores.  Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?

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Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena.  But then, in a surprise move,  Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because  . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.

In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing.  “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.

Oh, silly Original Mother?  Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches?  I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon .   . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.

Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air.  But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?

The Aftermath . . .

Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend.  (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!)  Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship.  She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold.  So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses.  How sweet!

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Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire.  (Grams would have hated that!)  And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result.  (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . . 

Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too.  Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉

“What are you wearing?” 

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss.   There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena.  On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying.  On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”

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Now, with this, I agree.   Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original.  Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive.   And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.

Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge.  He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return.  But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with,  in the first place.  And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .

At least, I hope so . . .

In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake.  Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her.  Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion.  How adorable!  Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .

Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse.  There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually.  So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂  He’s still super pretty though!

Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist.  This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .

Oh Crazy Nanny Carrie . . . you weren’t fooling ANYONE except, perhaps, Alaric.

In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons.   “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.

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Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer.  But that would just be too easy.  As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time.  That remains to be seen.  But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .

Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .

But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?

And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls forever]

The Tougher the Vampire, the Bigger his Balls! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Dangerous Liaisons”

You are invited to dance with, screw, and possibly be murdered by some of the hottest vampires in Mystic Falls.  R.S.V.P., A.S.A.P!

Howdy fangbangers!  This week on TVD we had a BALL . . . multiple balls, in fact . . . depending on your definition of the term. 😉

It was also a very good week for dancing, shipping, and, of course, surprise “back door entrances.”  So chug back a glass of Petrova Doppelganger blood, slip into your fanciest finery, and prepare for some “Dangerous Liaisons.”

My Knight and Shining Elijah

You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Williamson and Co.  Somehow, they can take even the tiredest of TV and Movie tropes, and give them a fresh twist to make them seem new and interesting again.  Case in point: you’ve probably all seen the “someone’s hiding in the backseat of your car” scene, about a few dozen times before tonight.

“Hey, would you mind lowering that axe, I can’t see out of my review mirror . . .” 

And that’s precisely what I, and I suspect many of you, thought was coming, when the writers made a point of spending FIVE FULL MINUTES on Elena having a seemingly useless conversation with Matt outside the hospital, and SLOWLY getting her car ALONE, all the while, with the distinct feeling that SOMEONE WAS WATCHING HER.

What we didn’t expect was that the stalker in question wasn’t actually in Elena’s car, but rather, behind it, and then, subsequently, under it.  That’s right, folks.  Elena HIT and Ran Over her stalker.  But when she emerged from the car to check out what had happened . . . wait for it . . . NO ONE WAS THERE . . .

Until SOMEONE HAD HER UP AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR . . . and not exactly in a hot, foreplay, way either . . .

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Well, maybe in a little bit of a hot, foreplay, way . . .

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But, worry not!  The Gentleman Vampire Elijah is not going to let anything happen to the woman who shares a face with his first (and second) love, even if it means going against his sister .  . .

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“You are pathetic,” Rebekah seethes.

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Umm . . . yeah, if by “pathetic” you mean “AWESOME!”

Cue TVD’s resident recapper Elijah’s filling in Elena, off screen about what happened in the last scene of “Bringing Out the Dead.”  Now, that was a conversation I would have liked to have seen!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Anyone Else Feeling Used?

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Aside from that time, when she de-staked Elijah and didn’t tell anyone . . .

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 . . .  this might be the first time Elena knows something about the supernatural world, before Damon and Stefan do.  It’s kind of cool to see her schooling them, like that.  Damon, in particular, is annoyed that the Scooby Gang did all this work to open the Fourth Coffin, only to find that it’s contents were nothing more than a Family Reunion Party in a pretty little package . . .

After all, if all Mama Original plans to do with Klaus, is kiss and make up with him . . . well that’s really not going to help him DIE, now is it?

And yet, as those of us who have already watched the episode know, Damon’s view of the situation is a bit myopic . . .  And I mean that in the nicest way possible, TV Boyfriend . . .

Knock, Knock . . . Who’s there?  No one?

Apparently, despite being thousands of years old, the Original Family has still not outgrown the game: “ding, dong, ditch.”  Elena finds an invitation to the Michaelson’s (that’s the Original Family’s name, BTW) Ball.  (I guess Damon’s and Stefan’s got lost in the “ditch.”)

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On the back of the invitation is a little love note from Esther Original.  It says, “Come and play with me at the party.  I promise I won’t send Ghost Vicki to burn you alive in your car again, like last time. LOL.  XOXO – Esther.”

Or something like that . . .

Elena wants to attend the sitdown, suspecting that perhaps it might help in the whole “Kill Klaus” thing.  Stefan seems to agree with her (either that, or he just thinks that agreeing with her will help him get into her pants faster).  But Damon thinks it’s a terrible idea . . . probably because it is a terrible idea.

This isn’t the first time Elena has gotten involved with an Original, and Damon has disapproved . . . while Stefan sat back and watched, hands folded across his chest.

The difference, of course, is that back then, Stefan’s constant agreement with Elena, was his way of showing her love.  Now, he’s agreeing with her to hide those same feelings.

“That’s your job,” Stefan says to Damon, regarding the responsibility of caring for Elena.  This would be fine, if we DIDN’T just hear Stefan admit he was in love with Elena, last week.

Which version of Ripper Stefan are we going to get next week?

Make up your mind, Buddy!

At the end of the scene Damon promises to check out the whole Mommy Dearest thing for Elena.  He assumes this means that he will get to go to the ball, while Cinderella Elena, and the trusty mouse that helps dress her (Stefan) will stay home.  Silly Damon!  What makes you think Elena would ever give up the opportunity to dance with you?

Meet the Michaelsons

In last week’s episode, all of the Original “kids” (if you can call them that), all seemed pretty united in kicking Klaus’ ass .  . .  both physically, and emotionally.  But this week, we really got to see the various dynamics and alliances between them . . .  For example, Kol seems to have an almost incestuous affection for his sister . . .

. . .  has little love lost with his mother, and really, really, really does not get along with Klaus.  (Now, we know why Klaus feared facing him alone.)

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In some ways, Kol is scarier than Klaus, because he genuinely seems to lack anything resembling empathy . . . His only concern is himself (and maybe Rebekah).  As for Klaus, as impulsive, calculating, and sometimes downright evil he can be, we all know that inside, he is made of mush, fatherly neglect, a need to be loved, and a deep, deep attraction to blonde baby vampires named Caroline . . .

Klaus’ mother, on the other hand, seems all goopy sweetness and light, which, at least on this show, makes her entirely suspect . . .

Speaking of suspect . . .

Fondly Klaus

At Caroline’s house, we see her get a phone message from Tyler.  This is actually Tyler’s only appearance in the entire episode . . . a disembodied voice in the iPhone.  It’s sad, really.  But I was glad that Tyler saw fit to call Caroline about her dad’s death, and that he’s trying to “cure” his sire bond for her.  Caroline seemed touched as well.

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 . . . just not in the way he wanted to touch her, if you catch my drift.

Ding, Dong, Ditch, again!  Like Elena, Caroline just landed herself an invitation to the Michaelson’s ball.  But the little love note on the back of her card isn’t from Goopy Sweetness and Light, Esther.  It’s from Klaus . . .

Did I mention he also bought her a dress?   Oh Tyler.  Get thee back to Mystic Falls pronto.   Your hours and hours of sacrifice and excruciating pain are no match for the likes of Tiffany and Vera Wang . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Caroline discuss the freaky weirdness that is the Michaelson’s ball.  “It’s some freaky Cinderella fetish,” Caroline muses.

There is some discussion as to which Salvatore will be escorting Elena to the ball, since one of them recently lost his “feelings” chip, and the other one, MADE OUT WITH HER, LIKE A BAMF!

Yeah . . . apparently,  Little Witch Bonnie is fairly lame, when it comes to the whole “secrets keeping” thing.

Caroline is more than a bit hurt that Elena didn’t tell her, herself, especially considering how quickly Elena told Caroline the first time she and Matt kissed.  It’s funny how vampires and a supernatural lifestyle can mess with your priorities.  Speaking of Matt, he actually seems to be the only one who actually gets his invitation to the ball handed to him, by Rebekah, no less . . .

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“Is it about moi, then?” 

Caroline and Elena look on with concern, and decide that they should attend the ball, after all, if only to prevent a guy they both dated, once upon a time, from being eaten . . .

Cinderella Fetishism at its Best . . .

It may be the Michaelson’s dance, but the place it’s held looks suspiciously like Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Am I wrong?  I guess it’s just easier to use and reuse this set, everytime Mystic Falls has one of it’s big fancy parties.

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Also, the place is packed!  What’s the population of Mystic Falls, anyway, especially considering that about three humans and three random supernatural characters seem to get killed here, at least once a week?  I mean, if that’s not population control, I don’t know what is?  Additionally . . . THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT. .  . New York City, it clearly, isn’t .  . .

But i digress . . . Damon — who may or may not have gotten his own invitation — is flirting with Carol Lockwood, who claims she is playing nice with the vampire neighbors, in order to keep her town safe.  Enter Kol, who, in about two minutes, manages to disarm Tyler’s mom, and brutally insult Damon, in one quick shot.

This town doesn’t have a prayer . . .

Generally speaking, our man Damon doesn’t take kindly to insults, particularly by vampires.  But fortunately for Kol, Damon is a bit distracted by a recent occupant of the ballroom.  It’s Elena.  And between her curled hair, vampy makeup, and big poofy black sequined ball gown, she’s looking more than a bit Katherine-y.  Damon most definitely approves . . .

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I’ll never get over the way Damon looks at Elena, particularly when she’s dressed up.  What girl wouldn’t want to be looked at that way, by the man of her dreams?  And Elena gets to be looked at that way by two men?

B*TCH! 

After expressing annoyance with Elena for disregarding their wishes and attending the ball, both Damon and Stefan offer themselves up as her escort . . . one sexy suited vamp per arm.  It just doesn’t get much better than that, folks . . .

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While our main love triangle is already enjoying the festivities, Caroline is still at home, trying in vain to find something to wear to the party that isn’t the dress Klaus purchased for her.  We know she owns at least other ballroom gown . . . the one she wore to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant.  But it’s NO Klaus Gown, and Caroline knows it.

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The box remains on her bed, taunting her . . . teasing her . . . “Wear me!”  It says, in Klaus’ accent.

Caroline sighs, having no choice but to obey  . . . blame it on the “sire dress” bond, or whatever . . .

Caroline seemingly arrives at the dance, about two seconds later.  I’d say this was an editing problem.  But vamps do have superhuman speed after all.  One look at Klaus’ face, as he sees Caroline enter the room, clad in his dress AND his bracelet, and we know, for certain that the Big Bad Original Vamp isn’t the one holding the cards in this relationship.   “Love is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Klaus has been quoted as saying.

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Well, Bad Boy . . . get ready to get weak!

“I need a drink,” are Caroline’s first words to Klaus, as she sidesteps him, and heads to the bar.  (a.k.a. the party version of I can’t go out with you, because “I’m washing my hair.”)

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But Klaus isn’t giving up so fast . . .

Finn pops by Elena to remind him that her invitation didn’t come with a “plus one,” and it certainly didn’t come with a “plus 2.” He reminds her that, if she wants to hang with the Original Witch, she’s going to have to go in there alone.  Well, of course she does!  The question is, will Damon let her . . .

Speaking of Damon, he finds Elena again, just as the Michaelsons request that their guests join them in a waltz.

Sly little doobie that he is, Damon manages to keep Elena from traipsing after the Original Mother by reminding her how orgasmic the pair can be on a dance floor.  “It would be rude not to dance,” whispers Damon in her ear, as he delicately grabs hold of her arm.

And suddenly, it’s the Miss Mystic Falls pageant all over again  . . .

“You look stunning, if it isn’t obvious,” says Damon, admiring his dance partner with a reverence and awe, bordering on religious.

When it comes to dancing, Damon and Elena possess a language that is all their own.  It is in the way that they look at, and touch one another  . . . and how they glide across a dance hall together, incredibly in sync, as if they are meant to be doing nothing else.

Stefan looks on with obvious jealousy.  Well, well, well, look who decided to wear his emotions this week?

Speaking of Stefan, I thought it was interesting that he “cut in” at the dance, by twirling Elena toward him, since that’s precisely what Damon did to him, back in “The Last Dance.” 

The parallel to that episode is quite fitting, when you think about how, back then, Damon accused Stefan of being too emotionally attached to Elena to make the hard decisions regarding Klaus’ death, and her safety.  “I’m the one that’s going to keep her alive,” he said memorably.

Now, it’s Damon, playing the role of the emotionally attached, and Stefan, in the role of cold-hearted protector.   It’s for this reason, at least partially, that Elena seeks a private audience with Stefan, whereas, at this time last year, she might have chosen Damon . . .

Her specific request is for Stefan to help Elena get in to Mama Original, without Damon following her, or trying to stop her.  “You care more about boning killing Klaus than anything,” am I wrong?  Elena inquires of her ex.

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Stefan hesitates for a few moments, but ultimately agrees.  At this point, both parties know that Stefan’s whole “I have no feelings” thing, is totally a charade, but they decide to go along with it, anyway.  Elena muses that Stefan’s tendency to allow Elena make whatever stupid decision she’s decided to make for the week, without argument, is something she loved about him, while they were dating, and still loves now.

It would seem that Elena, like a certain Vampire Katherine, before her, prefers her boyfriends to be pliant and obedient  . . . Go figure!

Meanwhile, Klaus and Caroline are doing their own little flirtatious waltz.  Though our first official introduction to this duo, was the whole “arm sucking / life saving” thing, this is the first time we’ve really had the opportunity to see these two interact on a sort-of even playing field.

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 It’s fun to see how disarmed Klaus is by Caroline.  He’s in total wooing mode, and not quite sure how to handle her wariness, or feistiness.  This is a woman he can’t control through fear.  And while he could theoretically compel her (assuming she’ not on vervain), that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, as what he’s doing now . . .

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Speaking of Caroline’s wariness, and feistiness,  this is really the first time we’ve seen a woman interact with Klaus who isn’t deathly afraid of him.  (Though some might argue, she probably should be . . . she most of all.)  Elena, Bonnie, Katherine, even Klaus’ own sister, to some extent, all treated the Original Hybrid with a certain degree of terror and disdain.  But Caroline’s almost stupidly brave around Klaus, having no qualms at all about sassing him, or insulting him.  And it’s that aspect of her personality that seems to intrigue him, all the more . . .

Like Tyler, Klaus begins by apologizing about Caroline’s dad’s death, but Caroline won’t hear it.  So, he instead smugly remarks on her choice of dress and jewelry, despite her protestations that she is “spoken for” by Klaus’ very own sire, Tyler.

But I think my favorite exchange between these two, was when Klaus noted that Caroline was a good dancer, and Caroline explained that she was Miss Mystic Falls.  “I know,” responded Klaus with a grin.

Apparently, not even Original Hybrids are above Googling the objects of their affection . . .

In which Elena pisses me off THREE TIMES in under twenty minutes . . .

Elena texts Damon to meet her in the study.  And when he arrives he’s attacked from behind, by his own brother, who BREAKS HIS NECK.  Elena looks sad about this, for all of one second, before dashing upstairs to meet the Original Mother.  – Time Elena Pissed Me Off  this Week # 1

En route to Mommy Dearest, Elena runs into Elijah, who’s seemed more than a bit smitten with her of late.  Memories of Tatiya, I guess.  (Man, is there anyone on this show, aside from Klaus, who isn’t head over heels for this girl.  It’s frustrating!)  Elijah admits to Elena that he’s not quite sure of his own mother’s motives for bringing the family together.  And it’s causing him to ask questions, he never thought he would ask.  “Can I depend on you to tell me what she says?”  Elijah asks.

Elena agrees.  Poor Elijah.  You might be honorable.  But the girl to whom you are speaking just convinced her ex boyfriend to break his brother / her sort-of lovers’ neck.  Now to me, that does very little to render her statements to you, at all trustworthy . . .

When Elena arrives in the Original Hybrid’s bedroom, Finn is there.  And there’s just something weirdly incestuous about the relationship between these two, as well!  It’s a little gross.  I’m not going to lie.  Apparently, this is the part of the episode where the Original Mother answers our questions about how the f*&k she came to be here, in the first place.

According to Mama Original, when Klaus killed her, Ayanna her witchy friend, preserved her body, so that she could leave it, and traverse the spirit world for over 1,000 years, without her corporeal form rotting away.  (That’s how she got in touch with Ghost Vampire Vicki in Ghost World.  It’s also how she still has witchy powers, even though, we’ve been told that vampires can’t be witches, and vice versa.)  Apparently, Ayanna was a Bennett, and that’s why the Bennett Mother /Daughter duo were the only ones capable of opening her coffin.

Oh, and did I mention that she wants to KILL ALL HER KIDS!!!!

Yeah, apparently, she’s decided they are an abomination, or something . . .  Right, because a 1,000 year old woman, who’s body has been preserved for 1,000 years, and is trying to murder all her children isn’t an abomination at all . . .

She also apparently threw this whole entire ridiculous ball, just to get her kiddies to drink some cursed champagne.  Now, that’s just silly, Mama Original!  Your children are perpetual twenty-somethings.  You don’t need a big fat ball to get them to drink liquor!  They probably do it on their own, every day.

Mama Original explains that she needs the Doppelganger’s blood in the champagne toast, in order to bind the Original Siblings together.  (“One drink ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.” It’s Lord of the Rings all over again!) Elena gladly offers her blood, without knowing exactly why she’s giving it.  The Original Mother conveniently explains it to her, afterword.  “Kill one Original, kill them all.”

Yeah, this woman sucks ass, in a big way . . . worse than her husband, even.  Why are the parents on this show so universally despicable?  What message does that give our youth?  Just sayin’.

Back in the library, Damon awakens to Stefan standing over him, with a smug smile on his face.  Let the brotherly ass kicking begin!  Name calling is involved.  I seem to recall both brothers referring to one another a “controlling dick,” which makes me think dirty thoughts.  Stefan accuses Damon of “caring too much,” an accusation that erstwhile villain Damon finds both ironic and offensive, and so do I.

Damon then storms off, in search of his errant lady love . . .

Much like Katherine, before her, it seems that screwing up the Salvatore brother’s relationship  is one of Elena’s greatest talents.

DON’T DRINK AND DIE!

Elena is standing next to Elijah at the time that the Original Hybrid makes her dreaded champagne toast.  Before it happens, Elijah asks Elena what his mother said to her, and she lies through her teeth, claiming that all Esther wanted to do was apologize to her for the whole “lock you in a burning car” thing.  Elijah believes Elena, seemingly, without question.   And his unfailing faith in her lying ass, makes me incredibly sad.

But I’m about to get angry. . .

For a few hopeful seconds, it looks as though Elena might prevent Elijah from drinking down his cup of death.  It would be so easy to do.  All she’d have to do is trade glasses with him .  . . or accidentally/on purpose knock the cup from his hand . . . or say, “Don’t drink that,  I think Klaus peed in it.”

But NOOOOO!  She just lets Elijah drink his own death warrant.

What a heinous b*tch! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 2

A horse is a horse, of course, of course . . .

After the Death Toast, Klaus finds Caroline admiring a horse.  She’s a fan of the animals, because they are cute.  He likes them because they are loyal.  Klaus then tell a nice little story about how his father killed his horse / only friend as a warning.

Oh Klaus, you really know how to sweet talk a girl.  There’s nothing like severed horse heads to get a female in the mood . . .

In true Elena fashion, Caroline lectures Klaus on the importance of ironing out differences with your daddy, no matter how many of your horses he has slaughtered.  This way, when he dies, you will have no regrets.  .  . well, aside from regretting that he’s dead, of course.  And, in Klaus’ case, regretting that YOU killed him.  (But, hey, no family relationship is perfect, right?)

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Caroline then gets all sassy again, by telling Klaus that she likes horses AND people.  But that people also like her too, probably because she doesn’t try to use them in sacrifice rituals . . .

Later Klaus takes Caroline to his personal art collection, and offers to take her around the world . . . anywhere she wants to go.

Caroline seems entirely tempted, in spite of herself.  Evil as he might be, Klaus has really been on his best, and most charming behavior, when it comes to Caroline . . . well, except for the whole “trying to get Tyler to kill her” thing . . .  (I’m honestly not sure why Caroline hasn’t made that connection yet.)

Did I mention that Klaus is an artist, himself?  And that he tends to draw pictures of the women he “fancies” . . . women like Caroline?  Who knew!

But things go south a bit, when Caroline remarks annoyedly of her future boyfriend’s tendency to snap his fingers to get what he wants, and turn them into hybrids when he needs new “friends.”  She then pointedly asks Klaus to break the sire bond, between him and Tyler.

After all of Caroline’s remarks, it’s this one that seems to piss Klaus off the most.  “I think it’s time for you to leave,” he says petulantly, like a little kid who’s childhood playmate has started calling him names.

But Caroline isn’t done with Klaus, quite yet.  “You don’t connect with people, because you don’t try to understand them,” Caroline yells, tossing the super expenive bracelet to the floor, before stomping off.

The assessment seems to affect Klaus deeply, and cause a lot of brooding, on his part.

But Klaus recovers quickly enough to leave Caroline yet another secret gift.  This time it’s a handdrawn picture of her next to a horse.  Out of context, this seems like an odd, and potentially offensive gift.  But given Caroline’s and Klaus’ pony bonding moment, it’s actually a really sweet gesture.

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Oh, and there’s also a note . . .”Thank you for your honesty,” it says.

WOW, Klaus must REALLY like being insulted. 😉  At least, now we know how to get into his pants!

Toward the end of the episode, Caroline calls Tyler and begs him to return home.  Now, we KNOW she’s falling for Klaus.  If she wasn’t, I suspect she wouldn’t be quite so insistent on her boyfriend’s presence as a buffer between them.

Choices . . . choices. 

Speaking of buffers . . .

“I’m mad at you, because I’m in love with you.”

When Elena runs into Damon, after getting Stefan to break his neck, she has some serious explaining to do.  They are in eachother’s faces again.  His hand is on her arm.  Their eyes and mouths are inches apart from one another.

In the heat of passion, Damon tells Elena he loves her, for the third time, in their relationship.  (Though, in her defense, she still doesn’t remember the first time.)

“Well, maybe that’s the problem,” Elena says coldly.

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OK . . . WHAT . . . THE . . . F*&K!  SERIOUSLY, ELENA! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 3  through 1,022!

First of all?  Coldest, most callous response to an “I love you,” EVER!  Second of all, since when does Little Miss Touchy Feely Elena accuse someone of being TOO EMOTIONAL and caring.  Hasn’t she just spent the past three seasons TRYING to get Damon to “be the better man” and feel?

Ugh!  Who peed in Elena’s cheerios this morning, and made her such a heinous b*tch?  We’re totally in a fight right now, her and I . . .

“I care too much . . . I’m a liability . . . How ironic is that?”  Damon scoffs.

How ironic, indeed!

Matt’s Knight and Shining Damon

Elsewhere in the party, Kol and Rebekah decide to kill Matt for sh*ts and giggles.  They figure it will piss off their mother, and hurt Elena at the same time.  But then Matt chivalrously offers Rebekah his coat, and all bets are off.

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(Wow, girlfriend must REALLY have never had a guy be nice to her to be so incredibly easy to win over.  A cheap ratty coat . . . for a vampire?  Seriously!)

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Kol, however, is super jealous of Matt, because his sister might actually want to bone him not quite as needy for affection as his sister.  So, he accosts Matt on the balcony later that night, and proceeds to break his arm . . . literally.

But worry not, Matt fans!  It’s Damon to the rescue!

He throws Kol OFF THE BALCONY, jumps after him, and starts pummeling the pretty boy’s face, like it’s his job.  But, of course, when the rest of the party guests emerge from the house to investigate the commotion, Damon, being Damon, just stomps away, instead of explaining why he did what he did . . .

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Quite the bad ass martyr, that Damon . . .

Through the back door .  . .

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Back at the mansion, Elijah lets his mother know he has done damage control, on the whole vampire fighting thing.  “I wish the others were more like you, Elijah,” coos Mother Dearest.  (Yeah, Mommy.  If you have your way, they will all be like Elijah . . . DEAD.)

Inside mommy’s chambers is her boyfriend / husband, Finn, to whom Mama Original complains that Elijah is too “moral.”  “Morality is a vampire’s greatest weakness, apparently.”  (Good ole TVD, always teaching us the tough life lessons.)

Apparently, Finn is in on his mom’s whole “kill her kids” plan.  “I’m ready to die,” says Finn, who must agree with his mother, about the whole “vampires are abominations” thing.

Great . . . just what our pop culture lexicon needs, another self-loathing vampire . . .

It’s frustrating really, because, if I was a vampire, I would love the sh*t out of myself.  No joke.  Vampires are awesome . . .  particularly, the non-suicidal ones.

To complete spell, we see Finn cut his hand, and drip his blood on a piece of paper, which maps out a bloody family tree across him and his siblings’ names, etch-a-sketch style.  I guess this is like the paper version of Bonnie’s nosebleeds . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan walks Elena home, while she informs him of the Wicked Original Witch’s nefarious kid-killing plans.  The former reminds Elena that she has nothing to feel guilty about, in terms of killing Elijah, because Klaus has brought nothing but darkness into her life.  (Ummm . . . maybe . . . but Klaus isn’t Elijah.)

The pair also both admit to one another that they were mean to Damon, and that this might explain why he went after Kol the way he did.  If only they knew . . .

As Stefan is leaving, Elena calls him back to the site of the epic Delena kiss. (That is sacred ground, Elena.  Don’t you dare kiss him, or I will hack off your lips, and send them to you via Fed Ex.)  She wants to know how Stefan can “not feel,” and wishes that she could do the same thing.  Well, Elena, for what it’s worth, I thought you were pretty unfeeling to Damon!   So, that’s progress in the “becoming heartless” department!  Stefan then pretty much admits to Elena, that the reason he’s seemingly turned off his humanity, and has been pretending not to care about Elena, is not to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain of reliving what he did last summer . . . and, of course, reliving his BITING of Elena.  (No word on reliving that time, when he tried to drive her off a cliff.)

Elena seems heartened by this, somewhat .  . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a gloomy Matt ignores Rebekah’s apologies and romantic advances, because her brother BROKE HIS ARM, and he doesn’t have health insurance.  (Apparently, the only health coverage Only Bar gives it’s employees is a lifetime supply of vervain.)

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 “I should have killed him,” pouts Rebekah.

Be afraid, Matt.  Be very afraid.

Enter Drunk Damon, who’s chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle that he’s conveniently brought to the bar from home.  “Rejected by the high school football captain,” he says sliding into the seat next to her.  “Welcome to adolescence.”

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After tossing back a shot or two, Damon reminds Rebekah that she would have crushed Matt in bed anyway, and that she should find someone more . . . ahem . . . durable.

Next thing you know, Damon and Rebekah are back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, throwing one another against walls, ripping eachothers clothes off, and . . . butt humping?

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Oh, CW!  You naughty, naughty channel . . .

This isn’t the first time, Damon has dealt with mistreatment by Elena, through sex with others.  We’ve seen it happen with Caroline, Katherine, Rose, and Andie, before Rebekah.

The difference, of course, is that Elena REALLY deserves this one.  And I can’t wait until she finds out that her erstwhile vampire lover has been schtupping the woman who wants her dead.  Revenge is definitely sweet, but it also might give you a VD . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena gets more of her just desserts, when Elijah finds out about her little fib, and responds by kidnapping and holding her hostage.  Yep, the honeymoon period is definitely over between these two.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “Founder’s Day” – Live Blogging Event!

According to show writer Kevin Williamson, and some maddeningly teasing hints dropped by E!Online’s Spoiler Maven, Kristen, tonight’s Vampire Diaries Finale offers eight cliff hangers, a major death, and, hopefully, more squealworthy Damon and Elena moments, like the one pictured above.

(Ummm . . . hand holding, anyone? :))

Below is the extended trailer for the episode:

So, after much discussion, and an hour-an-a-half long internet conversation to iron out the details, I am happy to report that my fabulously brilliant blogging friend, and fellow Salvatore Brother enthusiast, Imaginary Men, and I will be live-blogging tonight’s finale episode of The Vampire Diaries, entitled “Founders Day,”  together, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time!

As you can tell, Damon Salvatore is incredibly excited about this news!  So, is Vicki Donovan.  Except, unfortunately, SHE won’t be able to watch . . . being DEAD and all . . .

Join us for what will most certainly be an evening filled with good times, sort-of insightful commentary, and, of course, partially incoherent fangirl ravings of the ALL CAPS variety!  Shirtless Salvatores Brothers need DEFINITELY APPLY!

 Oh, and to whet your whistle before tonight’s show (as if it needed any more whetting!),  please enjoy this webclip from the episode, in which Elena calls Damon out on his “eye thing.”

[I just wanted to update this post to offer you all my sincere apologies.  If you happened to be online during the past hour, you might have noticed that we TRIED to live blog and ran into some technical difficulties.  Please tune in later for your regularly scheduled recap . . .  And again. I’m sorry!]

 

“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!

The Good, The Bad, and The Zombies – A Vampire Diaries Recap of “Fool Me Once”

There must be something in the water in TV Land this week. On Tuesday’s episode of Lost, there was much talk of “zombies.” Actually, the Lost zombies were not exactly of the “eat brains” variety.  Rather, they fell more into the “spiritually empty” realm of zombie-ism.  But they were zombies, nonetheless.

“On second thought . . . eating brains would be a really good way to reduce my carb intake.”

The “zombies” in tonight’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, however, were a bit more literal-minded. These entombed undead bloodsuckers certainly looked the part, with their vacant stares, cob-webbed attire, and skin falling-offy faces.

“Fool Me Once” was not exactly The Vampire Diaries’ prettiest episode, nor its strongest. There was a lot of bad and ugly here, and not all of it included Katherine’s decrepit, centuries-old, friends.  But there were definitely some highpoints to this, the last episode of the series, before it goes  on a month-long hiatus. So, without further adieu, let us separate the dead from the undead, shall we?

“Living” it Up in Motel Vampire

The episode begins with Elena waking up in a shabby motel room, to find vigilant Vampire Ben McKittrick holding her captive.  Or, at least, he would be vigilant, if he wasn’t fast asleep. A frightened Elena tiptoes toward the door. As you watch her, you just know Hot Bartender Vamp is going to jump out, give her a scare, and prevent her from leaving (the “fake escape,” is, after all, the oldest trick in the horror movie book).

When Ben does jump out for the obligatory scare, he tries to compel Elena to stay captive, by using that mind bendy thing they showed in the trailer. Of course, that ended up being a tease. Elena is still wearing her vervain necklace at the time, and, therefore, is immune to his “charms.”

Creepy Stalker Vamp Anna then jumps out and scolds Ben for his stupidity.  And, I have to say, given that they used such a hot actor to play Ben, I was a bit disappointed with the blandness of his two-episode character arc. (Stefan literally torched Hot Bartender Vamp at the end of this episode, so I’m pretty sure he’s gone for good.) Granted, The Vampire Diaries already has its share of sexy and brooding bad boys, but I think Ben had the potential to be more than Anna’s bumbling sidekick.

“I coulda been a contendah!”

Anyway, after suffering through what was officially the worst date ever, Bonnie is stuck slumming it in Motel De Vamp too. As it turns out, Vampire Anna has decided to use Elena and Bonnie as bait to get the Grinimore from Stefan.  (Is it just me, or is Elena used as “bait” in every single episode?)

With the help of Bonnie’s Witchy Grandma, Stefan finds the motel where Elena and Bonnie are being held captive, and rescues them by performing the heroic act of . . . wait for it . . . opening the window shades. Yeah, apparently, unlike Stefan, Damon, and Anna, D-list Vampire Ben not only cannot venture out doors during daylight, he cannot experience any sunlight whatsoever.

Back safe and sound at Witchy Grandma’s house, the Scooby Gang decides to help Damon to open the tomb, if only to get Creepy Stalker Vampire and her various D-list minions off their back. There is one problem with this.  After having been betrayed by the Scooby Gang in the last episode, Damon basically hates their guts . . . Elena offers to take one for the team, and reestablish with Damon the trust that has been broken between them.

“WOO HOO! YIPPEE! An Elena and Damon scene! I knew there was a reason I watched this show . . .”

It’s Just a Matter of Trust and Fashion Facilitation

One of the worst things about being single (for me anyway), is that there is no one there to help you unzip your dresses and secure the clasps on your bracelets and necklaces. Clearly, Elena Gilbert will never have this problem. In what was, of course, my favorite scene of the evening. Elena comes to Damon with her tail between her legs, ready to grovel.

Elena recognizes that Damon was more hurt by Elena’s betrayal at the cemetery last week than Stefan’s, due to the special connection these two have with one another. “You and I have something,” Elena explains, using as evidence the fact that Damon chose not to compel her when the two went down to Georgia together a couple of episodes ago.

“Who says, I didn’t,” challenges Damon, who gets some glee at seeing Elena flinch at his remark.

In a bold move to earn his respect and trust, Elena removes her vervain necklace, allowing Damon total control over her. Touched by the gesture, Damon moves toward her and takes the necklace. However, instead of tossing it away, he gently reattaches it to Elena’s neck. “I didn’t compel you in Atlanta, because we were having fun.  And I wanted it to be real.  I am trusting you.  Don’t make me regret it,” whispers Damon in Elena’s ear.

Wow . . . Please excuse me for a moment, while I wipe the drool off my keyboard . . .

The Lamest Party Ever

“Hey, what do you say we play a rollicking game of bingo when we get home?”

Remember shows like The O.C., where there was a party in every episode, and at every party there was at least one fight and one drug overdose? I do, and for that reason, I was massively disappointed by “Duke’s Cemetery Party.” After all, we had all the makings for a truly awesome party here.

For starters, it was at a cemetery filled with vampires.  Second, Tyler was there! And he likes to beat everyone up! Third, Jeremy was there! And he used to like to get wasted ALL THE TIME! Finally, new couple Matt and Caroline were there! Surely, I can count on them for some heavy petting and steamy necking.

What did I get instead? Tyler lecturing Jeremy about how he used to “be cool.” Jeremy moping around in the corner, mooning over Anna.  Sure, Vampire Ben ended up punching Jeremy’s lights out.  But it wasn’t nearly as much fun to watch as you would think.

And how about our hot new love couple: Matt and Caroline? Did they spend the episode heating up the screen with their newfound passion for one another? Not exactly. Instead, they made “Speeches” to each other and had in-depth philosophical conversations about how to make their relationship work. I  felt as though I had inadvertently changed channels away from my hot and sexy teen drama and, had instead found a talk show starring him . . .

This couple showed a lot of promise with their adorably sexy “car kiss” at the end of last weeks episode. However, the fact that they are already psychoanalyzing one another during the second week of their relationship, doesn’t bode well for them . . . AT ALL!

In Other, More Exciting, News . . .

Back at the tomb, Bonnie and her Grandma successfully complete the spell that will open the gates to Vampireland. Damon enters the tomb with Elena, who is accompanying him as, you guessed it, bait. You see, Damon fears that, without Elena, the witches will burn the tomb down with him still inside it. And we soon find out, that’s exactly what Granny plans to do.

When Vampire Anna rushes in after Damon to retrieve her Mommy, Grandma explains to Bonnie that the spell they cast will allow anyone to enter the tomb, but only humans, like Elena, to exit. While Damon is searching for Katherine, Anna finds her now Crypt Keeper-esque Mommy and tries to feed Elena to her. Elena screams out, causing Stefan to run to her rescue.

Now that a vampire they actually like is stuck in the tomb, Bonnie and Grandma are forced to open it for real. When they do, Anna and her mother rush out, as do Stefan and Elena. Unfortunately, an increasingly frantic Damon is still inside searching for Katherine.  Stefan returns to the tomb and drags a reluctant Damon out seconds before it closes.

Anna confesses to a heartbroken Damon that she always knew Katherine wasn’t in that tomb. Apparently, Anna had run into Katherine a few years back, and the latter seemed to have no intention of finding Damon again.  In a surprisingly sweet scene, Stefan returns home with Damon to comfort him over his heartbreak.

The Vampire Diaries = Ageist?

Back at La Casa de Bonnie, Grandma isn’t looking so hot. It seems that this evening of staying up late and casting spells has taken its toll on her.  When Bonnie leaves the room to get her grandmother tea, she returns to find her dead.

This really dusts my doilies! After all, Grandma was the only sensible non-vampire adult in the whole show (unless you count Jenna and Alaric, which I don’t). Not only was she smart, but she was tough as nails. After all, she beat the crap out of Damon using only her mind!Am I supposed to believe that a hardcore witch like this would meet her demise as a result of merely muttering a few words in Latin? Come on The Vampire Diaries, don’t you realize that old people can be fun? Haven’t you ever seen The Golden Girls?

. . or that awesome Snickers Superbowl commercial starring Betty White?

But I digress.  After a few heart-wrenching moments of mourning dear old Grandma, we return to the infamous tomb, which turns out to be not-so-much closed, as a zombie-esque decrepit dude finds out when he merely pushes lightly on the door . . .

Personally, I would have liked to see all the zombies emerge and do The Thriller dance here, because that would have been awesome.  But no such luck . . .

Well, there you have it folks . . . See you on March 25th!

Vampires Get Puffy Eye Bags Too – A Vampire Diaries Recap of the Episode “Unpleasantville”

            Tonight’s retro, 50s themed episode of The Vampire Diaries was a sock-hopping, soda-popping, poodle skirt-wearing good time, for a number of reasons.  For one thing, we got to imagine what the stars of our favorite gothic teen drama would look like if they had, instead, been cast in a remake of Happy Days.  Starring Damon Salvatore as “The Fonz”!

Eyyyy!

            Secondly, this episode introduced us to a brand new piece of refreshingly recognizable eye candy, in the form of the always-yummy Sean Faris, who plays the hopefully recurring beverage-slinging “washed up ex-jock” / potential love interest of Bonnie / evil vampire, Ben McKittrick.

          Finally, we maintained the recent trend established in this show of one senseless death per episode.  Oh, Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire, we hardly knew thee . . .

        With those three things in mind, let us sharpen up our fake fangs, smear some ketchup on our lips, and get on with the recap, shall we?

More Baby Mamma Drama for Elena

            Early on in the episode, Elena confronts Aunt Jenna about her revelations of the past week. 

(By the way, the writers kind of glossed over exactly how Elena broached this sensitive subject to her current guardian.  Perhaps it went something like this:  “Hey Auntie, my vampire boyfriend found out I was adopted, because he rescued me from the car crash that killed our parents, using his superhuman strength.  He then stalked me at the hospital to make sure I wasn’t his long-undead girlfriend from the Civil War era, who happens to look just like me.”) 

          Aunt Jenna confirms that Elena was, in fact, adopted.  According to Jenna, Elena’s biological mom was a teenage runaway who the Gilberts took into their home.  Elena’s dad, a doctor, delivered Elena, and when the runaway disappeared, the Gilberts, who had, up to this point, been unable to conceive a child, doctored the birth certificate and raised Elena as their own.  When pressed for further details, Jenna offers that Elena’s biological mother was named Isabel and that she had grown up right in their home town. 

            Later, we find out that Alaric’s wife, the woman tragically (killed?) (turned?) by Damon, was also named Isabel.  Coincidence?  Probably not, given how this show has progressed thus far.  And yet, this development raises some intriguing questions that will likely come into play as the series progresses.  Could Alaric be Elena’s biological father?  Could Damon?  (Ick, I hope not.)  How is Isabel (and, by extension, Elena) related to the currently entombed vampire Katherine?  Perhaps Isabel is still alive . . . or maybe even undead?

                Speaking of Alaric, he used his time as chaperone of the school dance to interrogate Damon as to the latter’s reasons for being in town.  Instantly suspicious, Damon tries his mind bendy trick on Alaric to ascertain his true intentions.  At first, Alaric’s interest in Damon seems genuinely innocent, and Damon is led off the scent.  However, later, we find that Alaric’s hands are filled with crushed vervain, making him immune to Damon’s hypnotic charms.  This begs the question, how much exactly does Alaric know about the Salvatore brothers?

Unlike Druggie Jeremy, Stepford Jeremy Doesn’t Do Vampire Love

            It appears that the total 180 Elena’s little brother has done, personality-wise, since Damon did that little mind-bendy thing on him, after Vicki’s untimely undead death has, in fact, stuck.  The former rebel is now getting A’s on extra credit papers, kissing up to teachers by offering them up precious and rare family heirlooms, and serving un-spiked punch at school dances.  In short, he’s become a nerd . . . and a celibate one at that.

            In fact, throughout the episode, Jeremy diligently fends off the advances of the increasingly needy-seeming home-school history buff, Anna.  However, it isn’t until Anna shows up at his school dance uninvited, and insists that he steal back his ancestor’s journal from his history teacher, so he can give it to her instead, that I started to really worry for the youngest Gilbert.  Visions of Fatal Attraction and boiled bunnies danced in my head. 

 

“I will not be ignored . . . Jeremy!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYpeKbHKVbU

            Then of course, Amy got those tell tale black lines on her face. And her eyes got all puffy and rimmed with dark circles.  Apparently, on Vampire Diaries, this is a sign of vampiric hunger.  But for me, that’s just what I happen to look like when I wake up in the morning.  Go figure!  As it turns out Amy is a “bad vampire” who teamed up with the Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire who tried to kill Elena in last week’s episode, in order to free Katherine and the other vamps eternally locked underground in a tomb. 

Geez, how slutty was this Katherine?  Because apparently there wasn’t a vampire in Virginia, male or female who didn’t “hit” that one . . .

“Oh my God, you killed Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire!  You Bastard!”

 

            Like another well-known slow walking, hoodie-wearing character, this episode introduced us to a guy who knows how to die, but can’t seem to stay dead.  When we first met this Vampire (i.e. he already died once), he had just been hit by Elena’s car, and appeared to be dead (again).  Then, he tried to kill Elena, before being stopped by Damon.  He starts off this episode by stalking Elena via cell phone.  In an effort to protect his girlfriend, Stefan provides her with her own family heirloom (Way to regift, d-bag!), a pocket watch that points out the whereabouts of nearby blood suckers.

            Later, as Elena prepares for the school dance, the pocket watch starts going haywire.  Elena understandably freaks out and calls Stefan, only to have Damon pick up the phone.  When Damon informs her that Stefan is on the way to her house, Elena relaxes, convinced that the pocket watch is merely illustrating the presence of her lover . . . that is until she finds Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire lounging around on her ceiling.  Stefan quickly comes to her rescue, and the undead dude gets away.

            Stefan calls Damon. Then, the newly-formed Scooby Gang (every teen show has one) plot their revenge.  Recognizing that now that Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire has been invited into Elena’s home (he posed as a pizza boy), and that he will not stop until he kills her, the trio decide to use Elena as bait at the dance in order to confront the guy.  Elena reluctantly agrees.  So, off to the dance we go.

            Things start off fairly normal, with Elena and Stefan sharing a slow dance, and Elena teasing Stefan about his age.  “You’re so teaching me the hand jive,” she insists.  (Elena, honey, I was still about three decades away from being born during the 50’s, and I know how to hand jive.  Like most self-respecting women, I learned from watching Grease.  And you call yourself a girl  . . .)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcZjpGeHhR4

            Stefan soon leaves Elena alone and heads off to pursue a guy he thinks is Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vamp.  (It ends up being a ruse).  Once alone, Elena receives a cryptic phone call, informing her that she must meet Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire, or her brother dies. Elena walks into the trap and is attacked by “the hooded one,” who she stakes with a pencil, but to no avail.  (Aren’t they supposed to like, disintegrate, or something?  I mean it worked pretty well for Vicki and Lexi, right?)  Then both Stefan AND Damon come to the rescue, each taking turns fatally staking Hoodie Dude with available pointed objects.  The problem is . . . dude just won’t die.

            And so, the Scooby Gang takes this opportunity to interrogate the staked vamp about Katherine, who the latter claims to know.  According to this vamp, they will need Bonnie’s ancestor Emily’s Grimindor (sp? – Every time they mentioned this word on the show, I found myself thinking about Harry Potter’s House at Hogwarts, very similar name, right?) to free Katherine from the tomb. 

 

(If you recall, earlier in the episode Stefan agreed to help Damon free Katherine, provided the latter let the other entombed vampires die, and left town.  Later, an unusually devious Stefan revealed to Elena that he had no intention of helping Damon with his nefarious plan.)

            With one last staking Creepy Hoodie-Wearing Vampire FINALLY dies and all is right in the world.  Or is it?

A Date with a Vampire

            After setting her sights on the older man (the question is how much older, years . . . or centuries), Bonnie strikes up some flirtatious conversation with Ben McKittrick, a former high school football star who now tends bar in town.  Eventually Bonnie gets the courage to ask her crush out  . . . for karaoke night?  (Note to Bonnie:  unless you are Jordin Sparks, this is a terrible — I repeat, terrible — idea for a first high school date.)  McKittrick declines the opportunity to be the next Vampire Idol, but agrees to date Bonnie elsewhere. 

            However, just in case you were getting excited about the blossoming romance between these two, moments later McKittrick is attacked by none other than Jeremy’s creepy home schooled vamp friend, Anna.  However, instead of killing him, she kisses him.  As it turns out, these two are a blood-sucking vampiric item, equally intent on freeing Katherine from her underground grave.  So much for a healthy relationship, Bonnie . . .

Caroline Gets Her Man

            In the “living” relationship world, Caroline finds herself repeatedly frustrated by her “friend” Matt.  Apparently, Matt’s inability to get over Elena, and his seeming unwillingness take things to the next level with Caroline, are becoming a major buzz kill for the blond vixen.  When Matt gives Caroline the cold shoulder, Caroline confronts him.  Matt explains to her that he is not ready to enter into another relationship, using the classic cop out line, “It would just ruin our friendship.” 

          Having, personally, both said and received this line, I can tell you firsthand, it usually isn’t taken well.  And this time is no exception.  Caroline declares the pair’s friendship over and storms out.

            Moments later, in a move that seems custom-made for teen dramas and romantic comedies, Matt follows Caroline out with his car, and before she can yell at him some more, he pulls her in for a romantic kiss right in the middle of the street.  After doing this, he says, “This will never work,” before kissing her some more.  Yeah, we know, Matt . . . but it is fun to watch, anyway . . .

            And that was our show, in a nutshell . . .  Tune in next week, when we go further back in time to analyze Slutty Vampire Katherine’s origins.