Betcha can’t guess which one is the Evil Clown?
(By the way, the title of this recap was brought to you by a fabulous little song, entitled “Funhouse,” by the one and only, Pink. To “get in the mood,” feel free to enjoy it here. But, those, like myself, who suffer from Clown Phobia, be warned. There ARE Evil Clowns in the music video . . .)
Hey there, my Pretties! This week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars was not for the faint of heart. In fact, it was pretty downright terrifying! No matter what scares you, be it clowns, closed spaces, creepy stalkers, having to wear a BAG over your head, or . . . MONA . . .
. . . chances are there was something in this penultimate hour of PLL’s first season that made you want to SCREAM!
So, are you ready to relive the fear? Let’s get on with the recap . . .
“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me. (And I Have No Privacy.)”
The episode opens with a REALLY grotesque looking life-sized clown being dragged away on a gurney. Surrounding that clown are about four other equally evil-looking clowns, including THIS GUY . . .
Yes, boys and girls. Garrett the Police Boy spends the ENTIRE episode lurking in the background, watching our Pretty Little Liars navigate the slings and arrows of being tortured by “A.” And if he didn’t look about 15-years old, this would make him a TOTAL pedophile (Because we don’t have enough of THOSE on this show!). But since he DOES look 15, and IS wearing uniform, we can chalk this up to Little Garrett just being REALLY good at his job (and REALLY needing to get laid . . . like . . . BIG TIME!)
Anyway . . . as Garrett watches amorously from a nearby window, our PLL’s enjoy coffee at one of their favorite hangouts. Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games. Our fabulous foursome has important business to discuss, like Evil Blind Jenna, and her bizarro alliance with Hot Male Ho Caleb.
The girls decide that someone needs to talk up Caleb, and figure out why Evil Blind Jenna was so interested in stalking them. (Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show interested in stalking the PLL girls?) Emily and Aria suggest they tag team ambush the boy (kinky!). However, Hanna reluctantly admits that, if anyone should be getting information out of Caleb, it should be the girl who’s taken an extended vacation inside his boxers . . .
“Got a secret? Can you keep it (in your pants)?”
As the girls are leaving the restaurant, Spencer stops to stare out the window. She is certain (and rightfully so) that the girls are being watched. Unfortunately, for Spencer, the rest of the PLL’s stopped listening to her paranoid rantings, ever since she started making THIS FACE all the time . . .
As we will soon find out, Aria, in particular, should have heeded Spencer’s warnings . . .
Why You Should Always Password Protect Your Computer . . .
I have a question for you ladies out there. When you first start crushing on a boy, or, at least, before you start dating him, aren’t Googling him, and checking out his Facebook page two of the FIRST things you do to “get to know him better” and “confirm he’s not a serial killer?” I mean, SERIOUSLY! I find it REALLY hard to believe that Aria has been dating her Fitzy for ALL THIS TIME, and has never even thought to look him up on Facebook. Then again, this is the girl who accidentally sent a SEXT to her OWN mother . . .
Speaking of Aria’s mom, I know I’m usually kind of hard on her in my recaps, due to the almost obscene level of SHEER BORINGNESS that surrounds her relationship with “Byron,” and my irrational anger at having to be subjected to it, week after week. Nonetheless, I must admit, Mama Montgomery was responsible for what was arguably the most hilarious PLL scene of the week.
So, yes, I guess it WAS understandable that Aria’s mom, upon seeing Caleb talking intently to Aria about Hanna (more on them later), would assume that Caleb was Aria’s “secret boyfriend.” What wasn’t quite as understandable was the ridiculously HILARIOUS way in which she reacted to this false news . . .
OK. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION?? Did I miss the episode where Ella Montgomery became a blood-thirsty vampire? She looks insane!
And while I do agree with Ella’s assessment that Caleb is “cute,” I highly doubt that, as a teacher at that school, Caleb’s reputation as a “con artist” who is “always in detention” and “got caught living in the school library” would have escaped her knowledge. (I guess ignorance runs in that family.) Then again, if Ella had a choice, she would probably rather Aria be dating Juvenile Delinquent Caleb, then the person she is actually dating . . . the one who Aria impulsively spilled coffee all over to prevent her mother from seeing them talking in the hallway . . .
“Ohhhh no! You have a big brown coffee stain on your crotch! Please, let me wipe it off very slowly with a napkin, while my mom watches . . .”
This, of course, brings me back to my main story. Aria arrives at Fitzy’s house early, while he is still at school. While there, she “accidentally” knocks into his laptop. And, because he was not smart enough to password protect it (stupidity is apparently contagious on this show), and because he has left it on ALL DAY with his Facebook page wide open, Aria finds THIS PICTURE . . .
Who the f*&k is JACKIE MOLINA? (Maybe SHE’S A!)
That’s right, my Pretties! Apparently, “Jackie Molina” and Fitzy used to “lick one another’s Gelato,” back in the day! And they did it in ITALY, while she was wearing HIS ENGAGEMENT RING!
Oh Fitzy! You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!
I love the other PLL’s reactions, when Aria comes clean to them about inadvertently cyberstalking her English teacher boyfriend!
“What was his status update? Ezra Fitz has joined the Mark Twain Fanpage?” Spencer snarks.
Fitzy likes this (and so do his four wives in Western Europe).
“Make a fake profile, friend Jackie, get to him through her, and NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL,” a recently betrayed (and obviously still VERY BITTER) Hanna exclaims, when she learns about Fitzy’s possible “Double Life.”
And with Hanna’s help, Aria does exactly that . . .
But when “Jackie” eventually accepts fake-Aria’s friend request, Aria can’t bring herself to go through with it. So, she rents a WHOLE LOTTA Big Love DVD’s (Yay polygamy!) and rushes to her boyfriend’s apartment, to get information straight from the Fitzy’s Gelato-licking mouth . . .
Now, I hate to say it, Ezria fans, but I found Fitzy’s explanation about Jackie, a bit lacking in the credibility department. Was I the only one? According to Fitzy, he was engaged to Jackie, back when the pair were finishing up college, which had to have been at least three or four years ago. He proposed to her in Italy. She said “yes,” at first . . . and then she said “no.” And yet, “Jackie” not only KEPT THAT PICTURE on her Facebook profile, but she, VERY RECENTLY, TAGGED her supposed ex- lover in it, so that it would appear at the top of Fitzy’s “recent updates” page.
Isn’t that kind of a dick thing to do: rub your botched engagement in the face of the dude you spurned. after over two years of dating? I mean, seriously! What is wrong with you, “JACKIE MOLINA!”
Issues of reality aside, Fitzy insists that Jackie is his past, and Aria is his
mid-life crisis future. And because they aren’t able to take normal “coupley” pictures together, for obvious reasons, Aria and Fitzy decide to pose for a picture that they WON’T be embarrassed to show their friends . . .
Ummm . . . yeahhhhhhh . . . the only thing that would make this Bag Head picture more disturbing, would be if Aria had cut “mouth holes” out of the bags, so that her and Fitzy could be photographed “licking eachother’s Gelato.” (Just imagine the paper cuts!)
Bag Head Photographs preserved for posterity, Aria suddenly has to bolt (more on that later). The problem of course, is that SOMEONE saw her leaving . . .
Oh Fitzy! You have some ‘splaining to do . . . AGAIN!
In the final scene of the episode, a mysterious gloved hand removes the hide-a-key from under Fitzy’s welcome mat (SERIOUSLY FITZY? You might has well have just left it in the DOOR!), and sneaks inside, under cover of night. Hide your Bag Head, Ezra Fitz! Because you are about to be in some SERIOUS trouble, Mister!
Speaking of boys in the dog house . . .
Another One Bites the Dust . . .
Goodbye Caleb! (For good?)
As promised, Hanna approaches Caleb to ply her whorish ex boyfriend for information about Blind Jenna. To his credit, Caleb seems pretty darn remorseful about what he has done. Then again, sleeping on a park bench for two days would be enough to make anyone “remorseful.” (Not to mention REALLY smelly!)
Hot Male Ho Caleb confesses to Hanna that Blind Jenna paid him a lot of money to locate a “key” that she believed that Ali had given one of the girls before she died / was murdered. “I miss you,” Caleb whines, after providing Hanna with some useful, if maddeningly vague, intel.
“Yeah, well . . . you’ll get over it,” Hanna replies, before stomping off.
Caleb then stops by Hanna’s house to give a letter he has written for her to Hanna’s mother. You see, Caleb is heading off to “Arizona,” and the letter is meant to tell Hanna “goodbye.” (I hear they have really nice park benches to sleep on in Arizona!)
In hindsight, had Hanna’s mom accepted the letter, things might have gone very differently for Caleb and Hanna. But noooooo . . . Hanna’s mom’s heart had softened toward Caleb. And she wanted him to go to the “Founder’s Day Carnival” to say goodbye to Hanna in person. (First The Vampire Diaries, now Pretty Little Liars? Is my town the only town that doesn’t have a Founder’s Day?)
“Hanna doesn’t need any more men in her life leaving, without saying goodbye
like, for example, every other boy on this SHOW!” Mama Marin instructs.
So, Caleb heads on over to Founder’s Day, where he runs into . . . the terrifying . . . the horrific . . . the vomit-inducing . . . MONA!
Can they just MURDER this chick, already? Seriously! Just looking at her makes me want to break my television . . .
Because Hanna won’t talk to him again
and because he’s a TOTAL MORON Caleb gives his very personal letter to Mona, so that she can give it Hanna, on his behalf. So, of course, the minute Caleb walks away, Mona starts reading the letter. Not liking what it says (Because she wants Hanna all to herself?), Mona proceeds to rip the darn thing up, over the trash . . .
She then pours her soda all over it. Now, if Mona was a normal human being, we would never be able to learn the contents of that letter. Fortunately, for us, however, Mona is NOT a normal human being. Rather, she is a strange alien life form, who’s hands are like delicate scissors, and who’s mind is like cottage cheese. So, when she rips up Caleb’s letter, she does so in a way, that makes the whole thing STILL COMPLETELY LEGIBLE. And then, when she pours soda on the letter, she only pours it on the outer rim, so that NONE of the words are obscured . . .
Seriously! Who rips paper in perfect straight lines like that?
When Hanna returns and asks Mona what she was talking to Caleb about, Mona lies through her ridiculously large, eye-gougingly white, beaver teeth, and tells her that Caleb was merely asking for change. So, later, when Aria and Hanna spy Caleb waiting on line to board a bus to Arizona (a bus that is conveniently parked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL), Hanna turns down Aria’s suggestion that she rush over and say goodbye. And, of course, back at home, Hanna’s mother, though openly admitting that she was “wrong” about Caleb, never mentions the letter he had written for Hanna. (Because, like I said, stupidity is contagious on this show!)
Sorry Hanna! It’s really not your fault that everyone around you, is either dumb or evil!
Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the PLL Lost Boy Vortex, Lucas Gottesman is pumping his fist in triumph . . . Lucas and Hanna . . . it is SO ON . . . again . . .
(Hey, check out the cardboard cutout of President Obama in the lefthand corner of this GIF! RANDOM!)
Speaking of dorky, but surprisingly adorable, couples that seem to be in for the long haul . . .
Spencer and Abs Toby Sitting in A Tree H-U-M-P-I-N-G . . .
This is the number of times Spencer and Toby are going to SCREW, after this episode is over . . and that’s just tonight!
Every teen drama has it’s Romeo and Juliet. This is a couple who are constantly being kept apart from one another, by their family and friends. A couple that must battle extraordinary forces to stay together . . . forces like b*tchy sisters, and creepy pedo brothers-in-law, and funhouses that LOCK, and, EVIL CLOWNS!
When the episode begins, Spencer’s mom and sister tell Spencer that she can’t PLAY
DOCTOR Scrabble with Abs Toby anymore . . .
Just in case you forgot the rationale behind the nickname . . .
They believe that, by associating herself, with the OTHER known suspect in Ali’s murder, Spencer will only make herself look more guilty to prospective jurors. Instead, they think she should attend the Founder’s Day Carnival, so that she can “integrate into the community.” When Spencer runs outside to see Toby, she learns that HE is not supposed to see HER either, because HIS family thinks she framed him for Ali’s murder . . .
The pair silently (because Blind Jenna is nearby) agree to meet at the Founder’s Day Carnival . (Riiiight, because NO ONE will know you are together, if you hang out at the BIGGEST TOWN EVENT OF THE YEAR! Apparently, even the two smartest characters on this show are not immune to the Stupidity Epidemic, spreading like wildfire around this town.)
At the Carnival, Creepy Pedo Ian threatens Spencer for the 85,000th time this Season. And Spencer catches Creepy Pedo and Melissa in a not-so-little white lie.
As it turns out, Melissa is pretty clueless about the layout of the Hilton Head hotel, where she supposedly aborted her FIRST baby with Creepy Pedo Ian a year ago. This means it’s possible that Creepy Pedo DID spend a weekend in the hotel with Ali shortly before her death, as the PLL girls initially suspected. But, then, why would Melissa cover for him? Verrrrry interesting!
Spencer then gets a text from “Toby” who wants to meet her in the “Fun House,” which, pretty much seems like the least romantic meeting spot ever! But Spencer goes anyway. And, let’s just say, she doesn’t have that much “fun” there . . .
If Spencer entered the Funhouse hoping to get felt up . . . she got her wish.
Hey, did you know that, in addition to her other talents, which, include, among other things, having impeccable text message timing, and being able to insert messages inside fortune cookies, “A” is also a Master Graffiti Artist?
The question is: Who, aside from Ian, Melissa, and Blind Jenna, would want Spencer to “shut up?” She hasn’t really incriminated anyone else . . . lately . . .
Anyway, Spencer wanders off into a deserted corrior, and ends up trapped in the dark. In short, it’s every claustrophobic’s nightmare come true! (Like I always said, “A” CLEARLY hates Spencer and Hanna THE MOST!)
Spencer screams at the top of her lungs, and cries continuously. But no one seems to hear her. Then, suddenly, she hears the walls literally crumbling in front of her. And then she sees THIS . . .
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s CREEPY PEDO IAN with a HOOK FOR A HAND! HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!”
So, Ian is Spencer’s HERO? HE’S the one who RESCUED her from the Funhouse? WTF?
Surprisingly, Creepy Pedo assumes the role of the “Good Brother-in-Law” quite well in this scene. He’s actually fairly convincing, when he’s yelling at the carnival attendees, for allowing his baby-sister-in-law to become trapped in that way. And yet, I’m still not 100% sure that neither he or Melissa were the ones that trapped Spencer in there, in the first place. But, for now, I will give the pedophile the benefit of the doubt. Because I’m kind and generous like that . . . 🙂
After her “brush with death,” Spencer decides that she will no longer live in fear of public opinion. Life is too short to not play doctor with Abs Toby, dammit! And, so, when Spencer’s current Flavor of the Month magically appears at the carnival (WAY LATE, MIND YOU!) Spencer, rushes over to him, and begins to “lick his Gelato,” in front of her WHOLE family . . .
Be jealous, Creepy Pedo Ian! Be VERY JEALOUS!
It’s just you and your hook for a hand, TONIGHT!
Speaking of people Spencer has made out with . . .
I FINALLY FOUND WREN A.K.A. JULIAN MORRIS! He’s on TWITTER! And FACEBOOK! And HAS HIS OWN WEBSITE!
Life is GOOD AGAIN!
OK . . . back to the show . . .
Paige . . . You’re FIRED!
Silly Paige! Don’t you know that everybody on this show, except Aria, gets a new love interest, every three episodes?
Emily’s storyline was a tad redundant this week. Once again, Paige offered to be Emily’s “girlfriend.” Once again, she contemplated “coming out.” This time, the plan was for Paige to meet the head of some Gay Pride Association from a neighboring school, at a coffee shop, so that she could figure out how to come out to her dad. Paige asked Emily to accompany her to this “outing.” Emily agreed. But when she got there, Paige had bailed, leaving Emily and the modelesque “Samara” to flirt shamelessly with one another, and make plans to meet at, where else, the FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL!
When Paige sees “Samara” rubbing up on Emily, under the guise of “helping her try on earrings,” she is obviously SUPER JEALOUS. But, instead of staking claim to Emily, by doing some rubbing up of her own, Paige lashes out at Samara, and calls out Emily for telling Samara that Paige is gay, despite the fact that it was PAIGE who made the appointment with Samara, in the first place. Deciding that Paige
has awful hair! is way too much drama to be worth the trouble, Emily grabs the pair of earrings her future girlfriend gave her, and stalks off.
Once at home, Emily gets an apologetic message from Paige. She then gets another one from “A,” informing Emily that her “type” is girls who’s secrets she has to keep. I SMELL A FLASHBACK!
It’s now a year prior. Once again, Ali is manipulating Emily’s romantic feelings for her, to get the attention she desires. Ali gives Emily a cheap snowglobe from her vacation, warning her not to tell the other girls about it, because, Emily is supposedly the only one of the four for whom she got a gift. “Keep it in a safe place,” instructs Ali. “It’s more valuable than it looks.”
Having not made out with a girl ALL EPISODE, lonely Emily starts fondling Ali’s snow globe. And lo and behold, it has a FALSE BOTTOM. Something is inside. It’s . . . wait for it . . . THE KEY BLIND JENNA WAS SEEKING!
Emily immediately recognizes the key in question, as one that belongs to a storage locker. So, she texts all the girls to meet her down there. Spencer, of course, can’t come, because she’s a little “stuck” at the moment. But Aria and Hanna do accompany Emily to the storage locker . . . (Lord knows who’s been paying the fees on it, for the YEAR that Ali’s been dead!)
Personally, I think renting an ENTIRE storage locker, to store ONE Tweety Bird lunchbox is a bit overdramatic. (Not to mention a HUGE waste of money!) Nevertheless, the girls retrieve the cute little lunch box, and find within it, yet another flash drive . . . (What’s with PLL girls, and their hiding flashdrives in BIRDS? First, the ugly owl, now THIS?)
“Ughhh! She left a turkey sandwich in here too!”
Back at home, the girls insert the flashdrive in one of their laptops. On it, appears to be HOURS AND HOURS of footage of the girls and Ali from the past year, obviously taken by cameras hidden in their homes, by someone other than Abs Toby . . .
The girls begin to suspect that Ali was killed for having incriminating evidence of this video stalker. This, of course, begs the question of WHO THE HECK IS HE (OR SHE?)
Based on the Much Music Preview, next week’s Season Finale looks pretty intense. It promises, among other things, the return of Lucas (and Caleb), a surprise appearance by the mysterious “Jackie Molina,” more annoying antics by Garrett the Police Boy, and LOTS of driving around in the dark. What more could a PLL fan ask for? (Well, aside from lots of hot sex, of course?)
See you then, my Pretties!