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Happily Ever Asshole – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Shattered Sight”

hell am i

Last week on Once, in the final seconds of the episode, the moment we’d been waiting for all season finally arrived.

The Snow Queen’s wacky plan worked! She broke that mirror. (Seven years bad luck for her!) Then, glass got into the eyes of everyone in Storybrooke and promptly turned them all into a bunch of raving assholes. (Granted, a lot of them were already assholes, but this spell kind of made it like official?)

snowwing brook

Now, Emma and Elsa are in race against time (and assholes) to defeat the Evil Snow Queen and put an end to the Shattered Sight Spell before everybody DIIIIIEEEEEES!

dont trust blondes

No pressure, right?

So put on your safety goggles and get nice and comfortable, because it is ASSHOLE TIME!

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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The Wishy Washy Wishing Star – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Fall”

making the curse

Still suffering from a tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving food coma? This kind of fillery pre-cursor to the important episode action-packed installment of everybody’s favorite show guest-starring those wacky kids from Frozen has just what you need to wake you right out of your Turkey Hangover.

ouat 4.2 snow baby

It has snappy one liners . . .

dont trust blondes

Hot people tearfully kissing . . .

goodbye lover

not afraid

Magical hats that vacuum up the show’s most obnoxious characters . . .

that hat

And certain-death situations from which people get rescued at the last possible second for no other reason than that they are just so gosh darn cute and because Disney has contractually required that they survive at least until Frozen 2: Electric Boogaloo. . .

we were froze

Also, we learned valuable lessons about the temperamental nature of magical jewelry and the importance of wearing safety goggles.

Yes, I’m talking about safety goggles. You know, those hideous clear plastic boxes you wore in your high school chemistry class? The ones that made even your most attractive classmates look positively ridiculous and left tell-tale pink raccoon circles around your eyes for hours after you took them off?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure those things would have been much more effective in protecting the sweet residents of Storybrooke from the spell of “Falling Glass That Gets in Your Eyes and Makes You an Asshole” than basically anything the cast did during this episode to try to protect themselves.

carol safety

But hey, let’s be honest. We didn’t really want our heroes to win this time, did we? After all, nothing says good TV like an asshole Snow White and a douchey Prince Charming ripping one another to shreds.

OUAT Snow White golden arrow

I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Let’s review.

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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To Thine Own Self Be True – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Smash the Mirror”

smashing the mirror

“This above all: to thine own self be true.”

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius said these iconic words to his son Laertes on the eve of the latter’s trip to Paris to warn him not to go slutting it up with the local Parisian lassies while on holiday. He could be a bit uptight sometimes, that Polonius.

Nowadays, these words are commonly evoked to mean something a bit less . . . celibate. They are about self-acceptance, self-love, self-understanding, and all that other mushy gushy “self” stuff. They are about embracing your flaws and weaknesses with as much passion as you do your strengths and gifts. These words are Dr. Phil: Twitter Edition, basically.

Coincidentally, this famous phrase also just so happens to be the theme of this week’s Super-Sized Edition of Once Upon a Time. Love yourself . . .

. . . even if you have a habit of shooting firebolts out of you fingertips, which occasionally turn your son into a human rocket launcher . . .

finger magic

. . . or you have a really bad snow dandruff problem, and only own one smelly dress . . .

ouat 4.1.a dandruff

. . .or if you have the worst haircut in the history of bad haircuts . . .

ouat 4.2 snow upset

. . . or you are an Evil Queen with a penchant for boning married dudes in mausoleums . . .

mackin outlaw 2

. . . or you’re a popsicle . . .

“Hey, anyone got a tissue? Or an ice scraper?”

“Hey, anyone got a tissue? Or an ice scraper?”

. . . or you have a delusion that two women who look and are young enough to be your daughters are actually your “sisters” . . .

sad snow

Love yourself, in spite of all these things, or better yet, because of them.

Because, if you don’t, you can be sure as hell that nobody else will . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To check out the rest of this jumbo-sized, snarktastic recap, click here.

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The Firestarter – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “The Snow Queen”

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blowing.gif”><img class=”size-full wp-image-25931 aligncenter” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blowing.gif&#8221; alt=”blowing” width=”500″ height=”281″ /></a>

In a season that’s been all about snow monsters, people who shoot ice out of their fingers, and women who accidentally/on purpose get turned into popsicles, “The Snow Queen” was a nice, refreshing, change of pace. Why, you ask? Because this was an hour of television that brought the heat, in more ways than one . . .

Now, unless you own an ice cream shop or a ski lodge, or just find the refrigerator in your home to be a huge waste of space, the ability to shoot icicles from your finger is pretty much one of the least useful super powers ever.

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ouat-4.3-ice-cream.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter wp-image-24834 size-full” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ouat-4.3-ice-cream.jpg&#8221; alt=”Gluten free, death full!” width=”587″ height=”280″ /></a>

(Almost as unhelpful in life as “being able to tell when people are lying <del datetime=”2014-11-10T03:14:15+00:00″>except for when its plot convenient for you not to be able to tell.</del>”)

Shooting firebolts from your fingers on the other hand, now THAT is pure awesomesauce.
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/finger-magic.jpg”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25347″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/finger-magic.jpg&#8221; alt=”finger magic” width=”599″ height=”337″ /></a></p>
Consider this for a moment. In a single episode, we saw Emma’s magical hot fingers used to warm baby bottles . . .

. . . convert dull tap water into sparkling . . .

. . . provide an inexpensive form of mood lighting . . .

. . . offer demolition and remodeling services . . .

. . . and redirect traffic.
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/haha-snow1.gif”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25952″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/haha-snow1.gif&#8221; alt=”haha snow” width=”500″ height=”240″ /></a></p>
Also bringing the heat, this week, Regina and Robin, who taught all of us the very important lesson that, while cheaters never win, they still can be really awesome kissers.

<a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/more-makeout.gif”><img class=”wp-image-25928 size-full” src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/more-makeout.gif&#8221; alt=”more makeout” width=”245″ height=”150″ /></a> Game of Bones
<p style=”text-align: left;”>More importantly, amidst all of this “hot stuff,” the titular Snow Queen finally got her own backstory. And, holy heck, was it a heart breaker (heart freezer?) One that arguably sets her apart as one of the most sympathetic villains in <em>Once</em> history, played with devastating vulnerability and an understated and, dare I say, chilly, grace by Elizabeth Mitchell.</p>
<p style=”text-align: center;”><a href=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/cant-love.gif”><img class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-25922″ src=”http://happynicetimepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/cant-love.gif&#8221; alt=”cant love” width=”245″ height=”240″ /></a></p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Let’s review, shall we?</p>

You can check out the rest of the recap here.

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A Bad Day for Gingers – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Family Business”

cover image blondie

Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.

ouat 4.2 disney snow

“Is it too late to invest in some bleach?”

She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .

Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.

terrible dream

“Oh Rumple! I just had this horrible nightmare in which I acted like a total asshole for an entire episode . . . oh, you mean that wasn’t a dream? Crap!”

And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .

everyone in town is related making eyes at eachother

making eyess

once a child

Still so pretty though . . .

So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .

(You can check out the rest of this recap here.)

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A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Breaking Glass”

broken face

“Use distorted mirrors . . . because plastic surgery is for p*ssies.”

Did you hear the one about the sassy, sarcastic, blonde teen with trust issues, and her best friend Lily, who tragically kept secrets that ended up prematurely ending their friendship?

veronica mars and lily

No? Me neither  . . .

lily and emma

This entirely new and original premise, which featured soooo much lesbian sexual tension between two presumably heterosexual teens that I thought I had accidentally switched channels and started watching LOGO, formed the basis for this week’s Very Special Life Lesson Masquerading as Flashback on Once Upon a Time.

(It also made me crave a crossover episode of Once and Veronica Mars, during which Young Emma and Veronica casually debate the merits of leather versus denim jackets, and Captain Hook and Logan take the old yacht for a spin, get totally wasted on rum, and proceed to spend the next seven or so hours practicing their broody-but-sensitive longing looks at an unseen camera.)

veronica with camera

Hey, it could happen!

Meanwhile, back in the present day, Emma and Regina ironed out their differences by generously sharing in heaping helpings of one another’s “Glorious Finger Magic.”

finger magic

“Woo, I’m going to need to smoke a cigarette after this!”

Hook and Charming each got the opportunity to do a little Dr. Phil-ing on their lady loves . . .

Elsa learned that handcuffs can, in fact, be recreational .  . .

handcuff sex

Fifty Shades of Frozen

And Regina got royally screwed by a piece of Glass . . . but not in a good way.

ouat 4.1.a regina mirror

Let’s review, shall we?

[You can check out the rest of this recap here.]

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Maid Marion Gets a Cold – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Rocky Road”

frozen maid marion

“Hey, anyone got a tissue?  Or an ice scraper?”

What does it take to gain your trust?  Are you someone who is easily won over?  All it takes is a pretty face, a warm smile or a few moments of bonding over a sweet treat, and you are already convinced you’ve met a friend for life.

ice cream for roland

Do you tend to give people the “benefit of the doubt,” and view them in the best light possible, until they prove to be otherwise?

trust you

Or perhaps you are a bit more discerning in the people with whom you choose to share your secrets?  You often find yourself skeptical of the motives of others.  You play your cards close to your chest.  Those who don’t know you well may even call you aloof, standoffish, or, dare I say . . . frosty .  . .

not to trust

Though one could argue that the theme of every episode so far of Season 4 of Once has been “how to milk the Frozen franchise for all its worth,” I would argue that this particular episode . . .

nodding oh yeah

  .  . . had that theme too . . .

verbal keyboard smash

 . . . but it was also about “Trust.”

For people like Elsa and Emma, who have been hurt and mistreated in their past, it is difficult to open up and trust others .  . .

For people like Regina, Rumpelstiltskin and Will Scarlet, who have been stereotyped and marginalized for their past deeds, it is difficult to regain the trust of the people who may have already written them off.

breaking mirror

And for people like the Snow Queen, this general lack of trust amongst the good people of Storybrooke proves to be a fertile playground for manipulation, control, and all sorts of other activities that tend to frequent the To Do Lists of every self-respecting Big Bad.

Let’s review, shall we?

Actually, before we begin . . .

A Little Background on The Snow Queen

What’s fun about Once Upon a Time, is that most of the fairytale characters we meet here are fairly recognizable to pretty much anyone who has ever read a fairytale or  . .  . more likely . . . seen a Disney movie based on a Fairytale.  Most of us grew up knowing at least the basic stories of Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Little Red Riding Hood.

disney princesses

But Once seems to have waded a bit deeper into the Fairytale Pool for The Snow Queen, a story that probably didn’t make a lot of your first grade teachers’ Must Read list . .  . basically because its super dark, and a little gross . . .

You see, The Snow Queen’s modus operandi was basically to shove broken pieces of glass mirrors into people’s eyes (ouch!) and distort their vision of the world.  She’d make them hate everything and mistrust everyone except for . . . wait for it . . . The Snow Queen herself.

up top

“Up top!”

This was a step-by-step process. First she’d make her victims act like total douchebags to all their friends.  Then, when they had no friends left, she’d have them come live with her.  Then she’d make out with them (even if they happened to be little prepubescent boys . . . ewwwww), causing them to not only mistrust and hate their former friends, but to forget their existence entirely.

In short, The Snow Queen was the “If I can’t have you, no one can,” abusive boyfriend / mistress in every Lifetime Movie you ever saw . . .

bunny burner

A burner of bunnies . . . among other things.

So, with that in mind . . .

(You can read the rest of my recap for Once Upon a Time’s Rocky Road here . . .)

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