Tag Archives: Elton John

Sam and Quinn are adorable. But . . . what the Puck? – A Recap of Glee’s “Duets”

“Quinn, what the f*ck?  He’s not even a natural blonde!  At least with me, you already know what our babies will look like  . . . With him, it’s a total crap shoot.”

Let me start by saying that I ADORED this week’s episode of Glee.  Sure, before last night, I had never heard about 75% of the songs the cast performed.  (Who knew my lack of knowledge about Barbara Streisand, and 70’s musicals, would be such a handicap, when recapping a show about singing high schoolers!)  Yet, the episode was FUN, the performances – stellar, the dialogue — witty and realistic . . . well . . . at least about as realistic as dialogue on this show could get.

HOWEVER . . .  I had two BIG problems with “Duets.”  Here’s one . . .

“The horror!”

 . . . and here’s the other . . .

“This is SO uncool, man.”

For Puck’s part, his absence was explained away, early in the episode.  According to Mr. Schue, he’s in JUVIE.

Just don’t drop that soap, pal.  I hear those communal showers can be a little .  . . HARD.

Puck’s infraction?  Something having to do with a convenience store and ATM.  Unfortunately, I was too busy screaming, crying, and throwing my shoes at the television to really hear the explanation.

I REALLY should have forked over the extra cash for that warranty . . .

Now, as my mother calmly explained to me, as I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown to her over the phone, during one of the commercial  breaks, Puck’s temporary absence was necessary, plotwise, to enable the inevitable, Quinn / Samm (Quisamm?) relationship to blossom.

It starts with holding hands, it ends with holding *&$%s.

Besides, Mark Salling (who plays Puck) is busy finishing up and promoting his new album, Pipe DreamsSo, in all fairness, the guy is probably entitled to a day off or two.  But SUE?  Well, her absence was just inexcusable . . .

Glee staff writers, HOW,  I repeat, HOW could you create an episode that was both SUE-less AND PUCK-less?  Need I remind you, that this is the last episode before Glee enters a NOT ONE, but TWO-week hiatus?  Given that fact, this week’s TOTAL and COMPLETE lack of “Bad Boy” and “Bad Woman” was just majorly CRUEL!

See, you’ve gone and made Mr. Schue, CRY!  You should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!

*takes a deep breath*

OK . . . I’m better now.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Meet Sam I Am (Gay?)

When the episode opens, Will begins glee club practice by making three anouncements.  The first concerns the absence of Puck .  . .

GRRRRRRRR!

The second involves the introduction of New Kid, Sam, to Glee Club.  Sam hails from an All Boys Boarding School . . . and all that implies.

Coincidentally, do you think all that “communal showering” Sam did back at board school can account for his OBVIOUS penchant for walking around HALF NAKED throughout most of this episode?

Not that I’m complaining . . .

So, anyway, Sam introduces himself to the Gleeks by making a VERY lame Green Eggs and Ham reference.

Said reference proved precisely TWO THINGS about this character.  (1) He can read up to at least first-grade level, putting him leaps and bounds above SOME other Glee club members . . .

“Sam I Am?  Brittany I am!”

 . . . and (2) just in case any of you out there thought this guy was “too cool” to be a Gleek, he’s DEFINITELY NOT!

While he is in front of the class, Chatty Cathies Kurt and Mercedes take this time to size up the “Fresh Meat.”

“He’s on Team Gay.  No straight boy dies his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993,” whispers Kurt knowingly.

Coincidentally, 1993 was probably also the year the Kurt character was BORN.  (Watch those pop culture references, Glee writers!)

And, yet . . . the kid DOES have a point . . .

For his third announcement, Mr. Schue announces that New Directions will be having a “Duet Competition.”  The winning pair is to receive a dinner for two at The Olive Garden Breadsticks . . .

 . . . a restaurant, whose big claim to fame is . . . you guessed it . . . All You Can Eat Breadsticks . . .

OK . . . Is anyone else REALLY hungry right now?

To Couple, or NOT To Couple

Within moments, we are treated to our first of many obligatory Shirtless Sam shots, when Kurt accosts the Newbie in the men’s locker room and practically demands to be his “duets” partner.

“*sings*Gimme a head with hair.  Long, beautiful dyed hair.  Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen . . . Oh . . . I’m sorry Kurt.  Were you trying to ask me something?”

He’s going to have to think about it . . .

Meanwhile, in Sort of/ Kind of Lesbi-land, Brittany and Santana are laying on Brittany’s bed and TOTALLY MACKING ON EACHOTHER! 

HOLY MACK-ERONI!

And, I mean, they are really going at it.  In fact, I haven’t seen this much girl-on-girl action in a show about high schoolers since . . .um . . . ever.

Observe the telltale Post-Sex Head.

Things seem to be going great for “Brittana,” what with Brittany cooing over “Sweet Lady Kisses,” and Santana making surprisingly naughty (especially for 8 p.m. on Fox) references to “scissoring.” 

But then, Brittany mentions the duet competition.  Suddenly, Santana halts the Massive Makeout Session, and gets all huffy.  (That’s NOT WHAT I MEANT!  Get your mind out of the gutter!) 

“I’m not making out with you because I want to  . . . sing about making lady babies.  It’s just that with Puck gone, I need to get my mack on,” scoffs Santana.

Poor Brittany looks totally crushed by her lover / bestie’s massive KISS OFF.  In fact, it’s probably a good thing she ISN’T a guy, otherwise she would TOTALLY have a pair of THESE right now . . .

Rather than lead Brittany on more than she already has, Santana opts instead for an unlikely duet partnership with Mercedes, since the two share such complementary voices and styles.  If you recall, these two ALREADY sang one duet to the song “The Boy is Mine” last season, back when both divas were battling for PUCK’S affections.  (See, it always comes BACK TO PUCK!  WE WANT PUCK!  WE WANT PUCK!)

Meanwhile, Finn badgers Kurt about ruining Sam’s reputation, by performing a duet with him.  Later, in one of their trademark touching scenes, Kurt’s dad (who seems to be recovering quite nicely from his heart attack, by the way) surprises Kurt, by calling him out for aggressively trying to “out” people who may not be ready to do so.

Kurt, in a surprising show of self-sacrifice, ultimately gives up the opportunity to partner with Sam, leaving the new kid and his INSANE abs free to pair up with Quinn.

Meanwhile, in the Oddest Pairing of the Century, Brittany starts dating Artie . . .

  . . . she does this despite the fact that, for while, she thought he was a robot . . .

“Before we duet, we are going to do it,” says Brittany, in her trademark emotionless deadpan.  

And with that, the Dumb Blonde lifts Artie up, and carries him to the same bed where she was macking on Santana, a few scenes ago.  And then they . . . ACTUALLY DO IT!

So, just in case you were keeping score, that makes our final couples for the Duet Competition:

(1) Rachel and Finn (duh!)

(2) Mike and Tina (double duh!)

(3) Mercedes and Santana

(4) Quinn and Puck Sam

(5) Brittany and Artie

(6) Kurt and . . . um .  . . Kurt

Let’s see how they did . . .

Rachel and Finn – Like Grease 2, only with Nuns . . .

It seems that the Glee writers have been reading our recaps, in which we all bitched and moaned about how utterly detestable Rachel has been since the beginning of this season.  Because this week, they had to go and make her a SAINT . . . well .  . . at least a nun.  (I wonder how long THAT’S going to last!)

It all started while Rachel and Finn were practicing their first choice of song for the duet’s competition, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” (originally performed by Elton John and Kiki Dee).

When it was all over, Rachel surprised Finn (and the ENTIRE VIEWING PUBLIC) by wondering if the performance was simply “too good.”

Self-absorbed, personal recognition-grubbing diva, say WHAT?

Apparently, some time between this episode and last, Rachel randomly decided that she is . . . SELFISH.

 So, she decides she wants to be a better person.  Being a better person apparently starts with improving the Glee Club’s moral.  And, in order to do this, she and Finn must THROW THE DUET COMPETITION!

“Clearly, the apocalypse has come to McKinley High.  I never should have eaten that Grilled Cheesus.”

Of course, I commend Rachel for her new found generosity.  And, yes, Iagree with her that, lately Glee New Directions has become “The Rachel Show,” so change was definitely needed.  However, I have to say, I was surprised by who Rachel selected to “win” the competition. 

Why the New Kid?  Wouldn’t it make sense for one of the more seasoned, and more frequently shafted Gleeks to get a chance to shine?  Like . . . say . . . MIKE CHANG . . .

Nevertheless, Finn and Rachel begin concocting their “evil” plot to foil the competition.  Suddenly, Rachel has an idea.

She randomly recalls how inferior Grease 2 was to the original Grease, and attributes that negative comparison to Grease 2’s poorly written songs.

Now, while I’ll admit that most of the songs in Grease 2 did, in fact, suck, I will ALWAYS love me some C-O-O-L-R-I-D-E-R!  Come on, tell me that was NOT classic!

And so, in a move that would make those guys from The Producers proud, Rachel and Finn decide on a performance that is so “offensive” they can’t possibly win.  The song they choose is called “With You I’m Born Again,” and it was originally sung by Billy Preston. 

Yes, it was bad.  But, honestly, at first, I didn’t really get what exactly everybody thought was so “offensive” about it.  And based on the message boards I perused after viewing the episode, many of you didn’t, either.  So, I did some research. 

As it turns out, “With You I’m Born Again,” is all about spiritual awakening through . . . sex.   So, yeah . . . a song about sex, sung by a nun and a priest, who can’t have ANY SEX . . . ever . . . well . . . I guess that could be construed as kind of offensive. 

Then again, wasn’t that what the ENTIRE Sister Act movie was about?

Tina and Mike – MIKE CHANG FINALLY SANG! . . . sort of.

Now, if you’ve read my Gleecaps before, you know I was particularly excited about this plotline.  After all, I’ve been giving Good Ole Mike Chang quite the hard time for failing to sing (or talk much) throughout the show’s entire first season.  But hey, I guess can complain no more!  After all, in his duet with Tina this week, Mike Chang had more “speaking” (and “singing”) lines than he had ALL FIRST SEASON combined . .

When we first visit Tina and Mike, we see that things haven’t been quite so rosy, since the couple left Asian Math Camp.

Mike’s awesome abs, notwithstanding.

You see, Mike’s really big into his culture.  And he shows this, by repeatedly taking Tina on dates for Dim Sum.  Did I mention that HIS MOM always comes along?

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Tina wants to do is just once eat a salad that doesn’t have Chicken Feet in it, and Mike wants to go to ASIAN COUPLES THERAPY?

“I bet I’m starting to look REALLY good now, aren’t I Tina.”

To further complicate matters, Mike, who can dance like a dream, REALLY CAN’T SING, which is ironic since GLEE CLUB is for SINGING PEOPLE.  And yet, Tina and Mike make this work to their advantage by performing their duet to song “Sing” from “Chorus Line.” 

During the song, Mike basically talks to music about how he can’t . . . sing . . . and Tina finishes his sentences.  Through it all Mike does an awesomely comic little dance.  In short, I loved it.

This almost makes up for an ENTIRE season of laziness, Mike . . . almost.  Just stop taking your mom on your dates, will ya?

Santana and Mercedes – Rockin the Tina Turner Tune

In terms of a recap, I really don’t have much more to say about this duet.  Santana and Mercedes rocked out to Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High,” another song I had never heard before this episode.  The song highlighted both girls’ vocal range extremely well.  But, of course, it was the duo’s sexy sassy dance that really made it their own.

By the way, does it bother anyone else that the Cheerios ALWAYS wear their uniforms? 

Sometimes when I see them, I feel like I’m watching some cartoon where the characters always wear the same thing — like Charlie Brown or The Simpsons. 

 That CAN’T be hygenic.  I mean seriously, how many versions of that leotard to those girls have.  Is it like Ronald McDonald, and those wacky suits he always wears?

Do you think that when you open up Brittany or Santana’s closet, and it’s just filled with Cheerios uniforms?   Finn and Puck are athletes, and you don’t see THEM wearing their smelly uniforms everyday. 

I just don’t get it . . .

Britt and Artie are SO NOT Lady and The Tramp

Remember that iconic scene from The Lady and the Tramp where the titular couple goes on their first date to the Italian restaurant, and they share that one strand of spaghetti?  And then Tramp pushes the last meatball with his nose over to Lady so she can eat it?

Come on!  Who of you out there DIDN’T hope to reenact that scene with your significant other one day?  Well, apparently Brittany was no different.  In fact, her dream was to win the duets competition, and take Artie to Breadsticks so they could “do it” together. 

But then Santana came along, and had to f&*k everything up.

She told Artie that Brittany was using him for his voice, and that the only thing he could get her that she didn’t already have was “super choice parking.”

(I’d put an “Oh Snap” here, if that line wasn’t so gosh darn offensive . . .)

Artie is understandably crushed.  After all, Brittany took his virginity for crying out loud.  He dumps her, and quickly drops out of the competition.  In a sad and pathetic, but still kinda funny final scene, we see Brittany eating at Breadsticks alone, pushing her meatball to NOBODY.  I guess that’s what you get for being such a TRAMP.  (pun intended).

Kurt and Kurt (and, later Kurt and Rachel)

If you recall, Kurt gave up Sam as a partner, leaving him with none.  So, Kurt decides to sing with the Glee club member he likes best . . . himself.  Kurt performs “Le Hot Jazz” from the play “Victor Victoria,” dressed in half drag. (Though admittedly the “girl” side looked more “Guy who REALLY  likes Makeup” than “Female.”  Maybe this is because, on Broadway, the song is typically performed a by a woman.)

Anyway, once Kurt starts singing, magically, all these professional dancers appear on stage to perform with him.  You know what I call that?  Cheating. 

Though, I have to admit, they did put on quite the show . . .

Toward the end of the episode, Lobotomized Nice Rachel approaches Kurt and lets him know that the rest of the Glee Club loves him.  She sweetly tells him that even though he is lonely, he isn’t alone. 

OK . . . that’s it . . . tell me what you’ve done with the REAL Rachel!

Together the pair sing a mashup of “Come on Get Happy” and “Happy Days” are here again.  Sources tell me, this same mashup was sung by Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand on network television some time back.  Whereever the song came from, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And the winners are . . . Sam and Quinn

From the moment Quinn started washing that Slushee out of Sam’s hair, the chemistry between those two was pretty intense.  Things only got hotter when he tried to teach her how to play guitar by groping her and grazing her breasts with his hands delicately placing her fingers on the strings.  But when Sam tried to kiss Quinn, she FREAKED OUT.

Why?  Well clearly not because she’s a virgin . . .

Actually, Quinn had good reason to be tentative about jumping into a new relationship.  She has been through a lot this past season.   So, she was eager to return to just being a normal teenager / cheerleader / Mean Girl.  Quinn abruptly tells Sam she doesn’t want to sing with him, and takes off.

Later, with the matchmaking help of Rachel and Finn, the pair reconcile.  Together, they sing Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat’s “Lucky.”  And, in the words of Santana, the performance is “so friggin charming,” it just had to win. 

Don’t believe me?  See for yourself.

So, off Sam and Quinn go to Olive Garden Breadsticks.

At dinner, Sam tries to “charm” Quinn by talking Navi . . .

“Dude, are you serious?  I speak fluent Navi, and even I know THAT doesn’t work.”

 . . . and doing a REALLY BAD Matthew McConaughey impersonation.

Hey LOOK!  It’s Linda Evangelista’s hair, circa 1993!  Now we know who Sam got the idea from!

Granted, this is the same guy who introduced himself to a group of high schoolers, by using a Dr. Seuss reference.  Can we really be surprised?  

Then Sam tells Quinn he has to confess something to her.  Of course, she immediately assumes, as Kurt did earlier in the episode, that Sam is on Team Gay.  He’s not.  Sam just wants her to know that he dyes his hair like Linda Evangelista.

Quinn is so overjoyed by this news, that she . . . MAKES SAM PAY FOR THE FREE MEAL THEY WON!

Ummmm .  . . how romantic?  Brattiness of that request aside, these two are cute together, and I truly wish them the best at least until Puck comes back.  But I couldn’t help but wonder, are those Breadsticks coupons still up for grabs, because I’m REALLY hungry!

[www.juliekushner.com]

9 Comments

Filed under Glee

“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eating his peas at dinner to convince him not to attempt SUICIDE THE SEQUEL.  Sure, Anna’s blood saved Jeremy’s life once.  But after a few hours, it will be gone from his system.  And next time, he might not be so lucky.  Mommy and Daddy Stefan and Elena ultimately decide to GROUND Jeremy.  Then, Elena heads off to the hospital alone, to check on Caroline.

“Does this mean I won’t get Christmas presents from Santa?”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING ME!”

“Ex-Girlfriend-Look-Alike-Who-I-REALLY-Want-to-Bang say WHAT?”

Back at the hospital, Matt and Bonnie are waiting outside Caroline’s room comforting one another . . .

 . . . while a surprisingly sensitive Damon comforts Caroline’s mom . . .

Which one is the cougar?

Then Elena comes, and Matt and Caroline’s mom inexplicably disappear (as both are wont to do, whenever anything good happens on this show).  Damon taunts Bonnie a bit about her inability to cure Caroline through witchiness.  He suggests that HE can heal Caroline by feeding her.  “The blood will be out of her system in a day,” explained Damon, nonchalantly.  (There go those RULES again .  . .)

Elena is skeptical about the whole thing, but Bonnie agrees with Damon.

 Then, Damon asks Bonnie if they can have “a TRUCE” and Bonnie says, “No!”

(Saying no to Damon?  That girl’s got some CAJONES!  Clearly, she’s never seen him do the Eye Thing . . .)

 Speaking of the Eye Thing, after Bonnie leaves, Damon lays a strong heaping helping of the stuff on Elena.  His fingers deftly grabbing hold of her tiny wrist, Damon propositions Elena to talk about “The Kiss that Made the Whole World Drool.”

“Listen, I know this is a bad time to discuss this, but I really think we should talk about what happened last night on the porch.”

(Oh, Damon.  You kissed a girl, and you actually want to TALK about it?  Boy, you ARE SMITTEN!  You are so DEEP in SMIT, it is not even funny. — Special thanks to Amy, for the “Deep in Smit” line ;)).

Elena, who of course, has NO CLUE what Damon is talking about, blows him off. 

“I know you want to forget about it, but I CAN’T!”  Damon stage whispers.

(Tsk, tsk . . . he’s like a needy pre-teen girlfriend.  Poor Damon!)

But just when we are about to have fun, Useless Aunt Jenna arrives, to spoil things again . . .

It’s Dr. Feel Bored!

Elena asks Jenna where she’s been.  When Jenna starts explaining how she SPOKE to Elena earlier (about her lame fire department errand), and Elena looks dumbfounded, Damon finally puts two and two together.  “You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!”  He exclaims, as the realization that he has just been Katherine-d, reaches his  skull . . .

“At least I fooled ONE of you . . .”

Stefan is at the Gilbert home babysitting Jeremy, when “Elena” returns (but WE know it’s actually Katherine, because she’s got big curly “F*ck Me” hair, and wears A LOT of eye makeup).

Stefan asks “Elena” about how Caroline is doing.  She says, “Not good,” and pulls him in for a hug.  Suddenly Stefan is TOTALLY vamped out, and has pushed Katherine against the wall.  (Unlike his brother, Stefan KNOWS his Straight Hair from his F*ck Me Hair!)

“Elena’s rollers don’t make curls that big.  And I would know, because I have borrowed them on MANY occasions . . .”

But the older, stronger, Katherine eventually gets the best of Stefan, and flips him to the ground like a WWF wrestler, disappearing just as Damon and Elena arrive back at the house.

Where do I know this facial expression from?

Yep!  That’s the one!

“What happened?”  A still clueless Elena inquires.

“Katherine happened,” explains Damon.

“If Katherine wants you dead, there is ZERO you can do about it!”

After heading upstairs to explain everything that is going on to Jeremy, Elena returns to the living room for the First Salvatore Summit of Season 2!

This small scene had some of the BEST quotes in the WHOLE episode!  So, please forgive me, if this section reads more like a script, than a recap.

“Katherine was in the house.  That means she’s been invited in by my Useless Aunt Jenna.  What do we do?”  Elena asks, nervously.

“MOVE preferably to mine and Stefan’s La Casa de Rich and Awesome,”  Damon snarks.  “Listen, if Katherine wants you dead you will be dead.  And there’s zero you can do about it.  But you’re NOT dead.  So, clearly, she has other plans.”

“Actually, Elena, I just stopped by to see if you would give me dance lessons.  And to ask whether you would mind terribly, if I ruined your ENTIRE life.”

But Stefan’s not really thinking about Homeland Security, right now.  He’s more concerned with GIRLFRIEND security.  Stefan wants to know what Katherine meant when she said, “At least I fooled one of you.”

Damon very proudly admits to falling for Katherine’s evil Elena Faking tricks, if only to lay this gem on his little brother.  “Just to prevent any more frown lines from forming on your very crowded forehead.  We kissed.”

“HEY!  I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!  I engage in a thorough cleansing and moisturing regimen on my face EVERY NIGHT, using six different creams . . .”

But, just in case, Stefan was unclear as to what Damon meant, Damon willingly elaborated.  “Two lips pucker and they .  . . (makes kissy noises).”

Now THOSE are lips MADE for kissing!

Stefan vampire lunges at Damon, but Elena stops the brawl, by explaining that SHE would NEVER kiss Damon.  (Nevermind, that she ALMOST kissed him, about 6 times last season . . .)

DENIAL, ain’t just a river in Egypt, Elena!

Once all the COCK fighting is done . . .

 . . . the next item on the agenda is figuring out what Katherine WANTS.

“She’s Katherine.   She loves to play games,” offers Damon. 

His proffered solution?  “Ignore the bitch . . .  then, we’ll stake her .  . . rip her head off . . . something poetic . . .”

(Ummmm .  . . and what kind of effed up POETRY is that, Damon?)

Elena’s and Stefan’s idea is a bit more cogent.   They figure, since Katherine tried to KILL Uncle / Father / Whatever John, he must know her motive.   So, off AGAIN to the hospital they go.

There, we learn that (1) Caroline’s alive (at least, for now); and

 . . . she has BAD taste in television.

I guess it would be too “meta” for her to watch The Vampire Diaries.

“I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

“Uncle John, your lipstick is a bit smudged.  Mind if I fix it for you?”

Once Uncle John is done freaking out at the sight of his own biological daughter, who he THINKS is Katherine, Elena returns his Ugly Ass Ring, to what looks like his re-attached fingers?  Perhaps, Elena neatly packed them in brown doggie bag, before carting John off in the ambulance?  (She can be very maternal that way.)  Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how they got back . . .

“Look MA!  No hands!”

Uncle John, who’s basically IGNORED Elena her whole life (not to mention, LEFT her with USELESS AUNT JENNA!), suddenly decides he’s Father of the Year, and, therefore, deserves a say in his daughter’s life.  He starts talking smack on Stefan.  “Kill me, or get out!  Because I can’t stand the sight of you with MY daughter!”  He grandstands, looking SUPER manly, in his wimpy plastic hospital gown.

But Elena isn’t having ANY of it.    “You see the world with such hatred.  It is going to get you killed,” she seethes, before storming out and leaving her Bio Dad alone with an angry vampire.

That’s when Stefan does this . . .

“Tastes like chicken.”

After forcing a nice heaping portion of Type Vampire Blood down Uncle John’s throat, Stefan explains that if John doesn’t leave town within 24 hours (There’s that RULE again.), “I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

(Sidenote:  It’s interesting to see this New Stefan, who has learned, since last season, to dole out his rage in a more controlled and effective manner.  No more munching on pageant princesses, when the hunger gets to be too much.  Also, Stefan’s comment to Uncle John about self-loathing, is a bit ironic — seeing as how, last season, Stefan was the most self-loathing vampire ON THE PLANET.  He used to believe that part of himself made him a monster.  Now he sees that he can use it to protect those he loves and get what he wants.  This scene is a perfect example of that.)

When Stefan admitted to Elena what he did, I expected her to be pissed and judgy.  But she was CLEARLY turned on by the whole thing . . .

“I’m totally undressing you with my eyes now, Stefan.”

Aren’t we all, Elena.  Aren’t we all . . .

“We haven’t officially met.  I’m Katherine.”

Meanwhile, the ENTIRE rest of the town seems to be at the Mayor’s mansion for the former Mayor Lockwood’s pre-funeral party(?), post-funeral party(?) . . . Whatever, it was, most of the guests were dressed more like they were going to hoedown,then to the home of a once prominent community figure.  Particularly, THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Mason Lockwood, who has many times been referred to as the “black sheep” of the Lockwood family, because he . . . likes surfing . . .

So, it was surprising to see this “black sheep” dressed in ALL WHITE.  Seriously, his outfit looked like the pajamas they make patients wear in mental hospitals.  (Note to Taylor Kinney’s wardrobe designer:  Was NOT a fan of Mason’s duds.  HOWEVER, I do have some pictoral suggestions, as to how you can remedy this problem.  Wanna see?)

Now, isn’t that much better?

At the mansion, Bonnie and Damon are busy engaging in Witty Eventually-We-Will-Screw Repartee.

“So, Bonnie, do you generally prefer to be on top, or on bottom?”

Damon taunts Bonnie, bragging about how he saved Caroline’s life.  This was the same life that Bonnie had put at risk, by handing over to Uncle John the Supernatural Dog Whistle thing that made Were Tyler swerve off the road, tossing Caroline’s body, rag doll style from the car.  Bonnie doesn’t like hearing the truth about herself.  So, she uses her witchy powers to shoot a large slushie in Damon’s mouth . . .

“At least she didn’t throw it in my face, like the do to all those Glee kids!”

 . . . giving him a massive case of BRAIN FREEZE!

At the exact same time, KATHERINE is entering the mansion, because TYLER invited her in, thinking she was Elena.  Bonnie also thinks she’s Elena.  So, she starts whining to the vamp about Damon, in such a way that you just KNOW she already has the hots for him.  “He just makes me sooooo UGGHHHH!”  She gripes.  (How many times have we heard THAT line in teen shows?  “UGHHHHHH” clearly = horny)

Bonnie also conveniently explains to Katherine how Caroline has Damon’s vamp blood in her system for a few more hours.  (Important later.)  But when Bonnie touches Katherine, her spidey sense tells her , “That’s one EVIL Bitch!”

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”

Bonnie’s suspicions are confirmed when she calls Elena on her cell phone, while Katherine is still in her line of sight, and Elena answers.  Bonnie tries to escape, but it’s too late.  “We haven’t met yet.   I’m Katherine,” says the vampire politely, before shoving Bonnie up against a wall and choking her.

Bonnie once again uses her inner Slushie to temporarily gain control, but Katherine regains it easily.  Finally, Bonnie is forced to spell the doors open, exposing Katherine to the rest of Mystic Falls.  And so, she is forced to behave.  How boring.  Fortunately, Stefan has arrived, to make things interesting for her (and us . . .)

“Wanna play with me?”

After drooling a bit over Elena’s ex and Caroline’s current Guy Friday, Matt  (“UGHHHHH . . . His eyes are SO BLUE!”  She coos.  See what I mean about the UGGHHHHH?), Katherine takes Stefan outside for a little chat.  “You wanna play with me,” she asks flirtatiously.

“How do I play, if I don’t know the rules?”  He inquires.

“No rules, Stefan,” she replies.

After being told he’s stronger, meaner, and sexy, the obviously aroused, Stefan (Can you blame him?  These two are HOT together, with a capital “OT”!), finally remembers he has a girlfriend.  “Don’t flirt with me, Katherine.  I’m not Damon.  I haven’t been pining over you for 145 years.”

“Based on your current choice of girlfriends, I’d say differently,” Katherine demurs (TOUCHE!)

Throughout the whole scene, the two characters are up in one another’s grills so much, you can almost see the steam rising from their bodies.  Katherine explains that she came back for Stefan — that it was always Stefan, and that it hurts that he has fallen for someone else.    Stefan assures her that he never loved her, that everything they had together was as a result of her compulsion on him, and that she is a “lying, selfish, manipulative bitch,” who he hates. (Gee Stefan, why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?)

“Hate, huh?   The way I see it, that’s the beginning of a love story, not the end,” posits Katherine, before calmly staking Stefan in the stomach with a poker.

Who knew the phrase “love hurts” could be taken so literally?

“Doppelganger hijinks ensued.”

“A Broody Damon is a Sexy Damon.  Heck, ANY Damon is a Sexy Damon!”

While Team Kefan fans are drooling over the Katherine / Stefan drama OUTSIDE, Team Delena fans are waiting hopefully for their favorite couple to return to their happy place, INSIDE.  Elena approaches Damon all concerned, and shrinky, wanting to “talk about his feelings.”   (Oh sure!  NOW she wants to talk . . .)  Back to being a typical dude, Damon claims he’s just fine.  “Doppelganger hijinks ensued,” and he lived to tell the tale.  (Give this man an “I SURVIVED Doppelganger Hijinks” t-shirt, please.)

But, not knowing when to give up, Elena keeps pushing Damon to open up, claiming that he is “hurt,” and in trying to deny that hurt will do something stupid.  (Gee, foreshadow, much?)

Knowing she’s right, Damon changes the subject to one he’s more interested in, “The Kiss.”  Clearly, all this time, some part of Damon (and some part of US fans) believed that, if Elena was on the porch with Damon that night, SHE would have kissed him too.  And its THAT thought, that keeps Damon going during what has already been a difficult episode for him.  And it’s about to get much worse.  “Why are you so surprised I would kiss you?”  Damon inquires probingly.

“I’m not surprised you kissed me.  I’m surprised you thought I would kiss you back,” responds Elena, without tone or emotion.

Massive hole in Damon’s heart #1

“Now, I’m hurt,” said Damon, sorrowfully, as the fans’ hearts collectively ache right along with his . . .

“I’d fight me!”

After skewering Damon’s most vital organ (at least, aside from his YOU-KNOW-WHAT), Elena heads outside to find Stefan hunched over, and nursing his own puncture wound.  Dr. Stefan, Nurse Elena is now reporting for duty!

Damon arrives outside, just in time to see Elena helping Stefan lift up his shirt, revealing those INSANE abdominals of his.  “Cover up, Fabio!  There’s a crazy ex on the loose!”  Damon needles.

“Hey, Fabio’s got NOTHING on ME!”

“Hey, was STEFAN ever in an “I Can’t Believe it’s NOT Butter,” commercial?   I don’t think so!”

Knowing the start of a Classic Pissing Contest when she sees one, Elena scampers away, and let’s the two “manly men,” duke it out over her LOVE (or lack thereof).  Damon gets in Stefan’s face and taunts him, desperately looking for a fight.

“Come ON!  Fight me!  I’d fight me!”  Damon taunts, shadow boxing like the adorable ten-year old he is deep down.

But Stefan is NO ten year old.  He’s not even a real 18 year old.  Stefan is 162.  And somewhere within the past year, he became “mature.” 

Maturity sucks!  I want to see a fight!

And yet, as much as I was disappointed that Damon and Stefan weren’t going to have a repeat of their classic Pilot Episode throwdown, I was PROUD of Stefan for FINALLY, after an entire season, being able to see the humanity in Damon.  “You kissed [Elena] because you feel something for her.   You care.  It means you are WILLING to feel something.”

Yep, Damon feels something all right . . .

But all joking aside, this was a very Sweet Salvatore Brother moment.  It was a moment when two brothers put aside their differences, and agreed to battle a common enemy, an enemy intent on tearing them apart.  You go BOYS!  (Plus, I’m sure they’ll fight over Elena at some point this season.  So, we haven’t totally missed out. . . . After all, good things come to those who wait.)

Speaking of fights . . . how did you LIKE Tyler tackling his MOM?

It takes a REAL man to fight a Mommy!

Mason explains to Tyler that his untenable rage is a result of the “Curse of Lockwood.”  (a.k.a. Were-curse)  And yet, you know what curse, I think Tyler has?  Curse of the Douchebag, that’s what!

Also on the NOT-Fighting list were Jeremy and Uncle / Father / Whatever John, who engaged in a rationale mature conversation about the merits of vampires (Jeremy was PRO, Uncle John, obviously, CON), whether Papa Gilbert was a vampire lover, the responsibility that comes with knowing supernatural secrets, and why the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality didn’t save Jeremy’s Pop’s from death (See RULES above . . .).  On first watch, this seemed like a throwaway scene — seeing as Uncle John was skipping town, anyway.  However, I’ve come to view this little scene as one of the most important ones in the episode.  More on that later.

“Kiss me or kill me, which one will it be?”

I know, I know!  Damon never FULLY took his shirt off in THIS, the HOTTEST scene in TVD history.  But I really like this picture.  So, I decided to use it.  You got a problem with that? 🙂

After having what seemed to me like the crappiest day EVER (heart broken, brain frozen, no one to wrestle with), Damon arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Katherine sitting on his couch, in front of the Perpetually Burning Fire (of Damon’s heart).  The two banter back and forth a bit, testing eachother’s boundaries.  Katherine claims she’s leaving.  (LIE!)  Damon calls Katherine old. (BURN!)  Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth . . .

Until, Katherine utters her iconic line.  “Kiss me, or kill me, which one will it be?”

That’s when things get REALLY interesting . . .

At first, it seemed as though Damon would get the battle he was looking for.  Him and Katherine rolled on the floor together for bit, snarling and scratching eachother, testing eachothers’ ability to withstand pain.  But the more they clawed, the hotter they both became.  Suddenly, Damon was straddling Katherine, and kissing her neck and her lips.  And . . . yes . . . I do believe dry humping was involved.  Katherine closed her eyes in ecstacy.  “See?  That’s better,” she whispered, lustfully.

(See what you’re missing, Elena.  I gather STEFAN doesn’t go for rough sex!)

Then Katherine rises from the floor, and the two start fighting again.  Katherine pushes Damon against the wall.  She rips open his shirt.  He rips open hers.   And . . . . we are back to making out and dry humping . . . For a few moments, it REALLY looks like we are going to get an honest to goodness sex scene on the CW.  But then, to everyone’s MASSIVE disappointment, Damon, ever the glutton for punishment, requests a “brief pause.”

“WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH  . . . YOU?!”

Poor Damon!  Well into his mid 160’s and STILL equating sex with love!  Silly boy!  Katherine is a Trick, and Trix are FOR KIDS!  A very emotional Damon tells Katherine that he will be willing to forget her basically screwing him over for  century and a half, if she just answers ONE question.  And, of course, we ALL know what that question will be . . . )

(LIE, KATHERINE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND — SO YOU CAN GET LAID . . .  and WE can WATCH!)

But Katherine DOESN’T lie.  She tells Damon that she NEVER loved him.  And that it was ALWAYS Stefan that owned her black heart.

The utter pain on Damon’s face in this moment, was enough to literally bring tears to my eyes.  I’m guessing brain freeze sounds like a good alternative to what you are feeling right now, huh Damon?

Massive holes in Damon’s hear #’s 2 through 145. 

“He got his wish.  I hate him!”

With all Damon endured during this episode, was it any wonder he turned toward the bottle?  Wouldn’t YOU?  At the Gilbert house, in Elena’s bedroom, Elena initially tried to comfort Damon, and stop him from being self-destructive.  She’s seen this train wreck coming ALL episode long, ever since Katherine re-entered their lives.  And yet, up until the last moment, she is still trying to avoid it.  Damon calls Elena a liar, for denying her feelings for him (which may very well be true.  But, of coruse, he is going about it ALL WRONG).

Then, in a move filled with heartbreak and desperation, Damon grabs Elena’s face and pulls it in for kiss, struggling with her as she tries to pull away.  The scene functions as a perfect contrast to the slow, sultry and gentle kiss that occurred between Damon and Faux-lena in the Season 1 Finale. 

Now, I’m Team Delena ALWAYS, so I was REALLY looking for something to get me hot in this kiss.  But, admittedly, there was very little.  Damon was too broken and too drunk to really work his mojo with Elena, and melt her heart the way we all KNOW he can.   This was Face Rape . . . plain and simple.  “I care about you.  I do.  I care about you,” Elena admits tearfully.  “But I love Stefan.  It has always been Stefan.”

(And, thus, we bear witness to the SECOND time in the episode, during which someone explicitly chooses Stefan over Damon.)

But this last one causes Damon to break, totally and completely.  After years of pushing aside his emotions, he finally let them win.  He fell in love . . .twice.  And all he got for it was heartbreak and pain.  He wants to turn off his feelings — the Great Vampire Myth, never truly realized.  He wants Elena to hurt the way he hurts.  But how?

And then it happens.  When Jeremy comes into the room, to see what all the commotion is about, we SEE Damon drunkenly rationalizing his next move, in that blurred head of his.  Others may dispute me, but I TRULY believe I saw him eye Jeremy’s hands, which were folded protectively across his chest.  Not just his hands.  His FINGERS. 

Then, Damon grabs Jeremy by the neck.  “You wanna be a vampire?”  He yells in the face of a petrified Jeremy.  “You wanna know what it’s like to turn your feelings off?  It’s really simple.  All you have to do is flip the switch and. . . SNAP,” concludes Damon, twisting Jeremy’s neck in one sharp turn, just as he did to Vicki the previous season.

Damon staggers backward, as Jeremy drops to the floor. Elena rushes to him, holding his hand to feel for a pulse.  Damon looks on sadly for a few moments, before leaving Elena alone to mourn.  (See?  If he REALLY thought Jeremy was dead, I DOUBT he’d be able to leave that calmly — especially in the highly emotional state he was in.)

Alone, a crying Elena looks at Jeremy’s fingers and sees the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, which, Uncle John must have given him prior to his departure from Mystic Falls.  Jeremy will live, it seems.  Now, Elena will just have to wait for him to wake up.  And then Stefan magically appears . . .

“I’m serious.  I have no clue when or how he got there.”

While Elena cradles Jeremy in her arms, waiting for him to reawaken, Stefan comforts Elena.  He tries to explain to her that Damon MUST have known that Jeremy was wearing the Ring, or else he couldn’t possibly have done that.  “He didn’t see the ring,” Elena argues tearfully, perfectly illuminating how, in the course of a single episode, these two have completely swapped positions, with respect to Damon’s humanity.  “He doesn’t want to feel anymore.  He wants to be hated.  Well, he got his wish.  I hate him, Stefan.”

Then, suddenly, Jeremy, gasps awake, just as he did early in the episode.  “Damon killed me,” he remarks dumbfoundedly. 

Well . . . technically .  . . yes.  But did he, REALLY?

“Game ON!”

Back at the hospital, Caroline is busy sleeping off a Jersey Shore-induced hangover, when Katherine enters her room.  “Elena?  What are you doing here?”  She asks groggily, seeming more than a bit annoyed at her “friend’s” unwelcome intrustion.

“My name is Katherine.  And I have a message for the Salvatore Brothers . . . GAME ON,”  She says evilly, as she smothers Caroline with her pillow.

There is a brief struggle, and then Caroline falls silent, her head lolling lifelessly onto her shoulder, her face pale and DEAD . . . or VAMPIRIC?  Remember the RULES, boys and girls.  Has it been 24-hours since Damon healed Caroline?  We already know that Bonnie TOLD Katherine about the healing . . .  so the knowledge is definitely there.

  Sure, a dead body belonging to the friend of the woman they both loved would send a message to Stefan and Damon.  But you know what would send a BIGGER message?  Having to BABYSIT a brand new vampire for ALL ETERNITY!  We all remember how much trouble Vicki was .  . . don’t we?

Sweet dreams, fellow Fangbangers! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

16 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries