Tag Archives: Episode 11

Eat Your Heart Out, Eric Northman! (Or someone else’s . . . your choice) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Soul of Fire”

PAM: “Damn, there were A LOT of dead bodies in this episode!  Bon Temps just became an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!” 

ERIC:  “And, best yet, there’s Witchipoo Creme Pie for Dessert!”

BILL:  “I don’t know . . . the last time I ate a batsh*t crazy sociopath, I had heartburn for a WEEK!”

Greetings Fangbangers!  We’ve got just one episode left, before True Blood‘s fourth season flies off to that Big Ole’ Blood Bank in the sky.  And if this week’s installment was any indication,  our Bon Temps buddies are going to go out with a BANG .  . .

. . .  a whimper . . .

. . . and a whole lotta sucking (but in a good way, of course) . . .

Source

But that’s NEXT WEEK.  In the meantime, we have plenty to talk about, THIS WEEK . . . like, for example whether Jesus got his Darth Vader helmet at Brujos R’ Us .  . . whether an Inpenetrable Force Field could double as a microwave .  . . and, perhaps, most importantly, whether the heart of Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion really does taste like chicken.    So, fire up your rocket launcher, hold your glow finger high, and, for heaven sakes, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, Lafayette . .  . because it’s time for your weekly recap . . .

(As always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the spectacular screencaps you see here.)

Vampire RAGE = PMS (Who knew?)

You know, I never noticed this before, but King Cockblock has a little Butt Wiggle in his walk.  Think he picked that up in the Cofederate Army?  (Don’t ask, don’t tell . . . anyone?)

When we last left our Undead Matrix Cover Band, they were walking in slow motion toward the Moon Goddess Emporium (or, as I like to call it Hogwarts for Psychos), armed and ready to kick some Witchipoo ASS!  Well, it must have been REALLY slow motion, because an ENTIRE WEEK has passed, and they are still making the trip!  As the crew continue their LONNNNNNG journey, they attempt to inspire eachother with maxims like, “Let’s blow up this dipshit,” and “This is what PMS used to feel like.”

Then Jason appears, and lays a heavy guilt trip on them for having the audacity to explode a place with “F*ckin’ Sookie” inside of it.

“Coincidentally F*ckin’ Sookie was the name of a garage band I played for in high school.” 

After all, “F*kin’ Sookie has been so very kind to King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric . . . doing things for them like screwing their brains out in the shower, screwing their brains out in the dirt, screwing their brains out in Narnia letting them drink her blood when they needed to heal, and lending her their home when they needed a place to screw someone’s brains out hide from their enemies, and/or work out their Amnesia Issues.

King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric eventually agree that these were, in fact, very nice things for F*ckin’ Sookie to do.  And so they eventually decide that they will not blow her up, after all.  But they will let her blow them later.    Who said vampires didn’t have working hearts?

Once that’s done, Jason has a little chat with Baby Vamp Jessica.  He can’t understand WHY ON EARTH she’d be pissed at him.  I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her, and then told her he wanted to forget doing it, or anything . . . oh wait . . . he did.

“If it makes you feel any better, I forget the names of most of the girls I sleep with, anyway!” 

Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts for Psychos . . .

 Lose Weight Fast, By Puking Up Your Friends

Because it sure as heck beats exercising . . . 

Just like our vampires spent the entire week walking about a meter, our reluctant coven spent the week whining about how they wanted to go home.  Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion quotes some old song, by telling the group that “they can check out if they want to, but they can never leave.”  Quoting this line had the effect of making me want to yank Wacky Minion by his hair, and toss him around the room like a javelin.  Some pop culture references are cute, and some are just obnoxious.  It is up to you to know the difference . . .

Hotel California?  Seriously?  How OLD are YOU? 

Then Witchipoo ACTUALLY gives the coven permission to leave.  (How kind of her!)  She even goes as far as to offer her “friends” a weapon with which to try and defeat the vampires, upon exiting the premises . . .

But when one of the witches actually makes a run for it, Witchipoo telekenetically raises the stake and plunges it directly into the woman’s heart, killing her almost instantly.  “Marnie?” The woman gasps, shocked that her former friend would go so far as to MURDER her, as a result of their ideological differences .  . .

“I know you’re Team Jacob, and I’m Team Edward, but that’s no reason to KILL ME!” 

In protest of the Witch Homicide, Antonia pukes herself out of Witchipoo, and starts yelling at her for killing one of their own.

“Oof!  I’m never eating Ancient Spanish Chick AGAIN!”

“Evil has BLOSSOMED in you,” says Antonia in that awesome accent of hers  .  . .

Antonia is SO done playing Witchipoo Games!  She wants to blow this popsicle stand, STAT!  Then, Witchipoo does this spell to force Antonia back in her body, leaving Antonia with no other recourse against Witchipoo, than to give her a really nasty case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome .  .  .

But worry not, kiddies, Jesus has an idea!

He pretends that the dead witch still has a pulse.  This gives Jesus and Lala the opportunity to drag Dead Witch into the bathroom, and use her in some weird spell to bring Antonia back out of Witchipoo’s body.  And you just KNOW Demon Head / Poor Man’s Darth Vader Hat is going to be involved in this one.


“I’m baaaaaaaack!”

While Jesus is preparing himself for a bad case of Hat Head, F*ckin’ Sookie and Holly are outside, trying to convince Witchipoo to “negotiate” with the vampires.

They do this, by basically blowing smoke up her ass (and we all know how good Sookie is at blowing things), and telling her what a “nice person” she is.

Yes, Caroline.  I thought that was funny too! 

Eventually, Witchipoo DOES agree to negotiate.  But she brings Sookie with her (“The vampires seem to like you,” she says), and sends her very own ZOMBIE vampires out ahead of her, to beat the sh*t out of OUR vampires make sure the coast is clear . . .

 Meanwhile, over in Thank You Lord, for Ending this Annoying “V” Storyline, Anything You Could Possibly Come Up with MUST Be an Improvement Over That Nonsense  the Forest of Andy Bellefleur’s Subconscious . . .

Float Like a Butterfly, F*&k Like a Fairy . . . .

Was it as good for you, as it was for Tinkerbell?

Andy is wandering home from his forced intervention at Fort Bellefleur when he comes across a white light . . .

Don’t worry, it’s not THAT white light!  It’s the white light that comes from Freaks with Glow Fingers, like F*ckin’ Sookie, a.k.a. fairies . . .

“I’m my own night light!” 

As it turns out, the Fairy’s name is Moron  Maurella.  She shoots Andy down with her magic glow fingers . . .

Then she straddles him, makes his finger glow, and screws the stuffing out of him, but not until after he promises to “protect her.”  (Men will say anything to get laid these days, won’t they?)  Andy arrives home many hours later, and tells Arlene his Fairy Sex Story.  Arlene, of course, thinks he’s crazy and/or tripping on V.   But hey, what does she know.  This is the woman who thought her murderous dead ex-husband was reborn inside her baby . . . No accounting for sanity THERE!

Coincidentally, rumor has it that this is our Super Villain, in Season 5 . . .  (Just kidding . . . or am I? ;))

In other secondary storyline news . . .

Bye Bye, Greasypoo!

“I may not have a SUPER SEXY ASS like Alcide, but I still want to make little hairy babies with you, Trailer Trash Debbie.”

Greasypoo is still trying to put the moves on Trailer Trash Debbie, who, to her credit, seems to be rejecting his advances.  (I guess she’s not as blind as I thought.)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . and repeating . . . and repeating. 

Of course, the fact that she’s SITTING IN BED WITH HIM WEARING SLINKY LINGERIE doesn’t exactly help her cause . . .

“Hey!  For your information, this is the classiest outfit I own.  I even wore it to a wedding, just last week.” 

As it turns out, Greasypoo has kidnapped the kid he raised with Luna (a.k.a. Emma), and wants to run away with Debbie so that the pair could raise it together.  Honestly, I think that’s kind of weird.  I mean, who meets someone, and, two days later, wants to run away and start birthing babies with them?  A Wackadoo Greasypoo, that’s who!

Speaking of Wackadoos, Sam’s busy going all Dirty Harry (maybe more like Joe Pesci) on one of Greasypoo’s loyal pack members at the autobody shop that Greasypoo owns . . .

“You think I’m funny?  Do I amuse you?” 

He’s doing this, of course, because he wants to find Greasypoo and kill him, in order to avenge Tommy Boy’s death.  I also think, secretly, he gets off on waving guns in people’s faces .  . .

Ahhh, memories! 

Then Luna rushes in, demanding to know what Greasypoo did with her daughter.

Conveniently enough, Emma calls her mom right at that moment.  And Alcide recognizes the telephone number as his OWN.  GREASYPOO IS IN ALCIDE’S HOUSE WITH LUNA’S KID!  Now that’s just CRAZY!

Sam, Alcide and Luna storm Alcide’s house.  And on Sam’s instruction, Luna takes her daughter outside.  And that’s when the Greasypoo REALLY hits the fan . . .

At first, Greasypoo and Sam fight like “REAL MEN,” i.e. without weapons, and in human form.  Sam may be little, but he sure is scrappy!  And he’s got vengeance on his side.  The spry shifter eventually straddles and incapacitates Greasypoo (KINKY!).  “Live with that,” taunts Sam.  Then Greasypoo cheats by starting to shift.  He also picks up a gun.  This sounds like a job for SUPER ALCIDE . . .

“Grrrr . . . Me .  . . Alcide . . . You . . . Dead Man.” 

Alcide strangles Greasypoo until he becomes Corpseypoo.  Trailer Trash Debbie then rushes to his side, and tries to make amends.  But Alcide isn’t hearing it.  He starts to do this weird little chant that book readers know as the “Werewolf Abjure.”  It may sound like your typical breakup talk, but it isn’t.  It’s a BIG DEAL.  When you abjure someone in the werewolf religion, you and your fellow pack members LITERALLY pretend they are invisible for the rest of eternity.  Talk about getting closure in a breakup!

“No wait!  I thought abjure had something to do with Alcide’s ABS!  Take it back!  Take it back!” 

Unfortunately, I didn’t catch ALL of the Abjure chant, but I did pick up the good stuff, like this:  “I will see you no longer.  I will share flesh with you no longer.”

“Haha!  He said ‘share flesh’ as a euphemism for SEX!  (And yes . . . I AM twelve.)” 

Then the scene gets a little sad, when Sam walks out of the house, and Emma asks him where her daddy is.  We didn’t get to hear his response.  I’m guessing Sam said something like, “in that Big Ole Dog Pound in the Sky.”  Don’t worry Emma!  At least, you will always have Cat Barbie and Dog Barbie to keep you company!

Did you ever notice how much Cat Barbie looks like Trailer Trash Debbie?  Weird . . . 

Everybody Loves F*ckin’ Sookie (well . . . except Pam . . . and Jessica . . . and Witchipoo . . . and all those fans who would jump through the screen and MURDER HER if Eric actually committed suicide, on her behalf)

Though the zombie vampire sheriffs make a valiant effort to kill the Matrix Cover Band, they are ultimately unsuccessful.  The MALE vampire sheriff gets de-hearted rather quickly.  And the female gets gang banged by Eric, Bill and Sookie is incapacitated nearly as quickly.  And yet, she is STILL spouting out her loyalties toward “Antonia Ladadeda Blahblahblah” or whatever the f*&k her name is.  Friggin ZOMBIE!

We interrupt this Hallmark Moment to bring you a message from Witchipoo.  Actually, it’s less of a “message” and more of a statement.  Witchypoo gets the Zombie Sheriff back on her feet only to TOSS HER INTO THE FORCEFIELD AND TURN HER INTO BLOODY TIE DYE . . .

“Oooh, that blood clot looks kind of like a bear . . . and that one looks like a lion . . . and that one looks like Kanye West.”

Here are the terms of Marnie’s “Negotiation.”  Sookie will be released from Hogwarts for Psychos, if Bill and Eric off themselves.

Seriously?  That’s the stupidest “offer” I’ve ever heard.  I know . . . I know it’s supposed to be all sweet, and romantic, and honorable, and blah, blah, blah that these two big powerful men would be willing to give up their lives for F*&kin’ Sookie, and all.  But COME ON!  I mean, who would run Fangtasia?  Who would become the NEW reigning King Cockblock?  Who would save vampire kind from Witchipoo?  Who would TELL THE TWO DEAD VAMPIRES WHETHER WITCHIPOO HELD UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN?

Yeah, so apparently, having sex with a fairy doesn’t just make vampires HIGH, it also makes them UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, because both Bill and Eric take the deal.  “I’ll shoot Eric, and then Pam will shoot me,” Bill says, almost boredly.  (Wait?  Don’t you need wooden bullets to shoot vampires?  Why would the Matrix Cover Band carry guns with WOODEN BULLETS to fight witches?)

Of course, Sookie is making THIS FACE . . .

 . . . which makes me EVEN MORE ANNOYED.   Because why the heck would you sacrifice so much for someone who makes faces like that . . .

No offense, Dawson Leery . . .

 . . . or Will Schuester!

So, Eric gets on his knees, just like he did when he was giving Sookie pleasure  about to be given the Truth Death by Vampire Bill, THE FIRST TIME, earlier this season.

And then Eric gives Sookie this calm, loving, look that almost breaks my heart, and makes me forget what a moron he’s being  . . .

*sigh*

I said ALMOST . . .

Aside from it being patently ridiculous that BOTH King Cockblock and Eric would ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOOKIE, my main problem with this scene was that it included no inherent danger.  I mean, we all KNEW unfortunately King Cockblock wasn’t going to CROAK, and neither was Eric.  So, really, it was just a matter of time, before SOMEONE stepped in to help.

That someone is Pam.  She shoots a rocket launcher right at the Force Field, and almost blows up Sookie.  (I’d be lying, if I said that doesn’t make me laugh, just a little bit . . .)

“Thar she blows!” 

After the explosion, Witchipoo takes Sookie, and rushes back inside.  I guess that is her way of saying negotiations are over . . .

Then, Eric makes Pam cry for having the AUDACITY to try to save her Maker’s life, over the life of Some Waitress . . .

Now, based on the message boards, I know that a lot of you were REALLY pissed at our man, Eric, for going off on Pam, like he did.  After all, she was just doing what she was “raised” to do, right?  Protect her Maker?  And you would think that Eric, of all people, would understand how difficult it is to watch your Maker, who you love more than life itself, commit suicide, for what you see as NO GOOD REASON AT ALL . . .

Source

And yet, let me play Devil’s Advocate here, for just a moment.  What if Bill and Eric weren’t planning to sacrifice themselves, after all?  As I said, a mere ordinary bullet from a gun, wouldn’t be enough to kill a vampire.  So, what if Bill and Eric had planned to FAKE their own deaths, to get Witchipoo to let down her defenses and release Sookie?  Then, they would simply kill her, when she was most vulnerable.  King Cockblock and Eric, of course, wouldn’t have told their progeny about this, because they would have wanted their reactions to the “deaths” to be real.

“Come back, King Cockblock!  Who will keep me from getting laid now . . . Hoyt?”

However, if THIS was the case, Pam not only disobeyed her Maker’s wishes, she also SINGLEHANDEDLY RUINED the plan.  Now, if that’s not a good reason for a scolding, I don’t know what is!

Admittedly, King Cockblock is a bit more understanding of HIS progeny’s angry reaction to HIS suicide attempt.  “Don’t you EVER do that to me again,” scolds Jess.

And King Cockblock just nods silently, and pulls her in for a big long hug.  All together now . . . “Awwwwww!”

Oh, but before you get too comfortable, SOMETHING VERY BAD HAPPENS TO JASON!  He gets barbecued in the Force Field . . .

Man!  You can tell Jess must love that boy A LOT!  Because she keeps looking at him lovingly and stroking his face, even though he currently looks like spaghetti with teeth . . .  Then, Jess feeds him her blood for a second time.  And he heals.  And it’s all lovey dovey reunions, and hearts and flowers between them again.  “Even without your blood, I can’t stop thinking about you naked,” admits Jason.  That’s funny!  Even without Jessica’s blood, I can’t stop thinking about JASON naked, either!”

You know what all this means, don’t you?  MORE PICKUP TRUCK F*&KS!  🙂

Can I get a HELL YEAH!

Sorry Hoyt!

 Blood Puddle, Blood Puddle on the Floor, Who’s the Deadest One of All?

Source

Ding, Dong, the Witch is DEAD!  (Which old witch?  The WICKED WITCH)  Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is DEADDDDD!

You know how in Snow White, the Wicked Queen talks to a creepy mirror with eyeballs . .  . and it tells her that Snow White is the fairest one of all, which TOTALLY pisses off the Queen, who probably used to be REALLY hot, back in the day?  Well, Witchipoo doesn’t own a mirror  (Obviously!  Have you SEEN some of those outfits she wears!)  So she has to improvise, by looking at her reflection in . . . wait for it . . . SOME DEAD WITCH’S BLOOD!

SERIOUSLY!  And the Blood Puddle pretty much tells her (1) the vampires are still outside Hogwarts for Psychos; and (2) she’s going to die.  So, Witchipoo tells the witches they will ALL die, if they don’t hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosey with her.  They do.   And outside, this starts to happen .  . .

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out.  You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about . . . 

Watch the VIDEO!  It’s HILARIOUS!  I just wish I could embed it here . . .

Who knew vampires were such awesome DANCERS, right?  Oh wait .  . . I DID!

Now, it’s time for Jason to rescue JESS 🙂 . . . and Bill 😦 . . . by keeping them from Hokey Pokeying right into the Force Field of DOOM!

“What am I?  Chopped liver?  I want to be rescued too!” 

Inside the Not-So-Secret Secret Circle of Hogwarts for Psychos, F*ckin’ Sookie HEARS Jason’s distress, and uses her glow fingers to break apart the circle AND stop all that Random Vampire Dancing.

Damon may approve, but Witchipoo, most certainly DOES NOT!  She puts Sookie in a Burning Ring of Fire.  (She fell in to a Burning Ring of Fire.  She went down, down, down, and the flames crept higher . . . and it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Firrrrrre . . . the Ring of fFre.  Dammit!  Now I have that song stuck in my head . . . and so do YOU! ;))

Somewhere in a nearby rest room, Jesus is drinking Dead Witch’s blood (which is not a very Jesus thing to do), and calling upon his Evil Darth Vader-like family spirits to help him (which also isn’t a very Jesus thing to do), and cutting his wrists (which also isn’t . . . never mind).

“Why oh why, did I have baked beans and Poor Man’s Darth Vader for breakfast.”

“Lala?  Does my Inner Evil Demon make me look fat?”

“Hey Jesus!  You have a little something on your face . . .”

Once Jesus is wearing his Supposed to Be Scary Looking, But is Actually Makes Me Giggle Mask, THINGS start happening . . . like the deactivation of the Forcefield of DOOOOM, and the regurgitation of Antonia (for good, this time), and the de-conflagration of F*ckin’ Sookie.  I gotta say, that’s one busy Stupid Mask.  It just goes to show you, never doubt a guy who’s named after Jesus, even if his (grandfather IS a goatlicker).

Never . . . gets .  . . old.  (For me, anyway!) 

In a flash, the vamps have stormed Hogwarts for Psychos, and F*ckin Sookie tells them not to kill the other witches, because they are innocent.  Then that MORON minion says that if the vampires want to kill Witchipoo, they will have to go through HIM first.  So, Eric does, by pulling out Wacky Minion’s heart .  . . and drinking it . . . like a juicebox. (Remind you of anyone?)

Source

In a word . . . AWESOME!

Then, King Cockblock shoots Witchipoo in the head, and she dies . . . And after all the Big Dramatic, Razzle Dazzle, Hocus Pocus, Force Field- Dancing, Heart-Eating, Darth Vader-Hat Wearing, Fairy-Sexing, Glow-Fingering, Excitement of the episode, it was a bit anticlimactic, actually.  I mean, one bullet . . . done.  And then everybody just went home . .  .

That’s IT? 

Actually, it’s not.  Because in the final scene of the episode, Lala is in bed with Jesus, trying to convince him that he did the right thing by, indirectly murdering his friend, while wearing a funny hat.  Then, they both go to sleep.  And, not a minute later, flying Ghost Marnie is floating over Lala’s head.  And, after all he’s been through, with this WORST MAGICAL POWER EVER, he’s stupid enough to ACTUALLY OPEN HIS MOUTH AND LET HER IN?

I don’t know.  Maybe he was just REALLY HUNGRY?  Fighting evil can do that to a Vessel for Possession by Any Angry Ghost Who Happens to Be in the Vicinity.

Tune in next week, when we, once again, get to see Nelsan Ellis, flex his acting chops, and play the role of YET ANOTHER Crazy Lady . . .  Also, next week: Bondage Eric, more of that Funky Mask, and Little Red Riding Hood just might kill us all!

Remember, Fangbangers!  It’s the season finale!  So ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and probably will).  See you then!

Source

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

14 Comments

Filed under True Blood

Where There’s a Will, There’s an “A” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “I Must Confess”

SPENCER:   “Nice to be stood up by your OWN therapist . .  .”

HANNA:  “She better not be charging us for this . . .”

EMILY:  “Do you smell something?  I think I smell a dead body.”

HANNA: “That might be me.  I just puked up coconut shrimp, right before I got here.”

EMILY:  “Nope, it’s definitely a corpse-like smell . . .”

ARIA:  “Aww, crap!  Not again!” 

Greetings, my Pretties!   Can you believe there is only one PLL episode left in the summer season?  It seems like only yesterday, that I was contemplating whether Creepy, Then-Only Possibly-Dead, Pedo Zombie Ian was somehow related to that Blueberry-looking chick from the Willy Wonka movies . . .

Good times!

Eleven episodes later, Ian is DEFINITELY dead.  And if the last few minutes of “I Must Confess” are any indication, “A’s” body count may very well be on the rise.  So, take a big hefty swig out of your vodka-spiked water bottle, make an appointment with your therapist, and set a dinner date with your long lost significant other, because it’s time for another PLL recap . . .

Why You Shouldn’t Call Emily the Weakest Link, Anymore . . .

Because I ran all the way to my therapist’s office, and only got slightly sweaty . . .

The episode begins with Emily receiving a pre-dawn text from “A,” and dashing out of her bedroom, in a panic.  Emily remains missing for hours, leaving her new girlfriend roommate, Hanna, and the rest of the PLL girls, to worry over her whereabouts.   We then see Emily running frantically through the woods, and winding up right outside Dr. Anne Sullivan’s office.  She NEEDS to talk . . .

“Geez, Emily.  You ran all the way here?  Would a SHOWER have killed you?  Some of us have to work in this office.”

However, by the time she arrives at the office, the rest of the girls are already there waiting for her.  Apparently, they need to talk too . . .

“Haha!  We beat you!” 

Way to be a loyal friend, Emily!  After some prodding, the girls evenually reveal to Shrinkypoo that “A” has been targetting Emily, specifically, for her weakness.  Apparently, she (or he?)  believes that, of the four girls, Emily is the “toughest nut to crack.” Also, it’s clearly her turn.

As it turns out, the text Emily received that morning relates to Aria.  It shows a picture of her cleaning Fitzy’s teeth with her tongue.  Underneath it is the phase, “Clue Ella [a.k.a. Mama Montgomery] in, and I will let YOU out.”

ARIA:  “Fitzy?  Is that Jackie I taste on your tongue?  Have you been cheating on me?”

FITZY:  “No, I just ate Jackie . . . because, I’m secretly a vampire . . . and because Jackie is LAME.”

ARIA:  “Oh . . . good call.”

Hey guys, remember when “A” pulled this same trick on HANNA a few episodes back, and it actually worked?

“Way to rub it in, Recapper!  That was actually a very dark time in my life.” 

Apparently, someone needs to update their “Unique Ways to Torture PLL Girls’ Handbook . . . and STAT!

One of the best lines of the episode, came when Spencer saw the picture, and wryly noted that, had Aria’s mom ACTUALLY seen it, she probably would have assumed it was “Spencer  . . . slutting it up” rather than her own daughter . . .”

“Hey, I am NOT a slut, Mama Montgomery!  How many sluts do you know that wear My Little Pony sweaters?” 

You can see a slight sense of relief pass over the girls, as they FINALLY tell someone outside their social circle about “A” (though they conveniently leave out most of the juicy stuff . . . you know, like the Jenna Thing . . . and Dead Ian).  No matter, Shrinkypoo seems sufficiently horrified by what she is hearing anyway, and wonders out loud why the girls have waited this long to come forward about what was happening to them . . .

“Ooh, this sh*t is JUICY!  I think I’ll go try and sell the idea to ABC Family, as a television series!  I’ll just have to insist that they get Angelina Jolie to play me.”

The next day at school, Shrinkypoo makes an appearance at school, during which she makes a speech to the student body about the dangers of Cyber Bullying . . .

 

“Yeah A!  That poster is totally on to you!”

While Shrinkypoo is giving her speech, we get a series of reaction shots from the rest of the cast.  The PLL girls look kind of horrified . . .

Blind Jenna looks evil.  (But, then again, she pretty much always looks like that . . .)

Annoying Mona looks like she’s practicing for a time twenty years in the future, when she has to get her first Botox injections, and finds herself no longer capable of forming realistic facial expressions .  . .

“I know you can’t tell from my face.  But I am VERY, VERY upset about this whole Bullying Thing.”

After the assembly, Hanna is FURIOUS with Shrinkypoo!  She feels like the therapist pretty much took her clothes off in public (Then again, this might just be a side effect of her late night phone sex sessions, with Caleb.)

“I just feel so violated!  Now, everybody knows what my Lily looks like!”

Conversely, Emily found Shrinkypoo’s speech empowering.  And she shows her newfound strength when Big Bad Blind Bully Jenna approaches the girls, and makes some snide remark about how Dead Ali was the biggest Cyber Bully of them all . . . “I guess it takes a bully to know one, Jenna.  Now, move your stick.  Other people are trying to pass you!” Emily sneers.

“Yeah, and while you are at it, why don’t you take your little stick and shove it up Police Boy Garrett’s ass!”

“You GO, EMILY!”

Why You Should Never Leave Hanna Alone with Your Wedding Dress . . .

Hanna is trying to play nice with Facelift Kate, after the whole “I Said Crappy Stuff About You on the Loudspeaker at Some Horse Farm, and You Threatened to Turn Me into Glue” thing.  So, she asks Spencer to get her some old smelly horse books to give to Facelift Kate, as a form of apology . . . you know, because Spencer – like most people who own My Little Pony Sweaters – is an expert on smelly horse books.

I don’t know, Hanna . . . if I was trying to make someone forget about an incident that occurred at a HORSE Farm, I would probably start by NOT GIVING THEM BOOKS ABOUT HORSES . . . just a suggestion.

Then, Hanna’s grandma makes a random appearance at school . . .

Apparently, she needs a copy of Hanna’s house keys, and wants Hanna to take her to the bathroom, so that she can “wipe the dew off her lily.”

And if that statement means what I think it means, that’s pretty much the most disgusting request I have ever heard someone make on prime time television, EVER!  (Just a note, boys and girls, if an adult ever asks you to go into the bathroom with them, and “wipe the dew off their lily,” that’s when you RUN AWAY . . .  FAST!  NO JOKE!  I assure you that Granny is fully capable of wiping the dew off her OWN LILY!  And if she isn’t, she should probably be in an assisted living facility, where trained nurses can do it for her.  Just sayin  . . .)

Back at home, Hanna is busy having Phone Sex with Caleb . . .

Source

 . . . when she gets a call on the other line from her dad.   AWKWARD!  Apparently, Daddy wants her to give a toast to the new happy couple, with Kate, at the engagement party.  (Gee Dad?  Aren’t toasts supposed to be like . . . I don’t know . . . spontaneous, or something?  It kind of defeats the purpose of a toast when you TELL someone they have to say good stuff about you.)  Hanna looks like she’d rather have all her fingernails plucked off than have to give a speech with Kate.  But she agrees to it anyway, because she is trying to be the “good daughter.”

Oddly enough though, Grandma Marin, of the Dewy Lily Club, is TOTALLY NOT COOL with her son’s upcoming nuptials.  In fact, she, more or less compares the upcoming event to cows getting slaughtered . . . (Boy, this woman sure loves her metaphors, doesn’t she?)

Source

“I’d rather become a Sloppy Joe, than help you get the dew off your lily . . .”

When Hanna’s mom comes home, Grandma Marin tells her that she looks like Condoleeza Rice . . . which, I guess, is supposed to be a compliment . . .

Yeah . . . I don’t really see the resemblance . . . Hillary Clinton, maybe, but not Condy . . .

Granny then tells her ex-daughter in law, that she should pretend that she’s starring in the last five minutes of Every Romantic Comedy Film Ever Written, and stop her son’s wedding.  Mama Marin is NOT amused . . .

“First of all, I look nothing like Condoleeza Rice.   Second of all, stop making my daughter touch your lily!”

At Papa Marin’s Super Snooty Engagement Party, Grandma Dewy Lily is being hilariously rude to her son’s guests, which makes me fall a bit in love with her, despite having kind of a bad first impression.

“Why should I bother learning any of your names?  My son’s to be divorced again in about two months . .  .”

Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to mend fences with the super slimy Facelift Kate, who’s acting nice on the surface, but is so obviously being fake, that I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Hanna isn’t picking up on it.

“Oh, Hanna!  It is so good to see you!  I would very much like to rip that blonde hair at of your head, lift my leg, and pee on your bloody skull.  I can’t wait to become your SISTER!

Facelift Kate takes this opportunity to show Hanna her mom’s wedding dress, which, of course, is NOT WHITE.  (That one clearly hasn’t been a virgin in a VERRRRRRRY long time!)

“Believe it or not, this is the same dress my Mom wore when she married my dad . . . It was white back then . . .”

Facelift Kate pulls out her purse, and extracts what she claims are two water bottles filled with vodka.  She offers some “liquid courage” to Hanna as the two plan out their toast.  Hanna seems hesitant at first, but sheer stupidity peer pressure wins out in the end, and she decides to chug-a-lug.

“I’ll get you my Pretty, and your little Lily too!” 

As a viewer, I figured out immediately, that Facelift Kate had manipulated the water bottles to sabotage Hanna.  (I actually thought she was goin to do something way worse, like lip her a Roofie, or something.)  But I could also see how Hanna — given her insecurities regarding her newfound popularity and her relationship with her dad — might put her misgivings aside, and go along with this Rich B*tch, in hopes of being accepted by her, and “fitting in” to this new family.  Seeing Hanna get gradually more intoxicated, as the evening wore on, was pretty darn funny . . . and yet, kind of sad too, since we all knew this wasn’t going to end well . . .

Source

Source

When Facelift Kate conveniently steps outside for a bit, Hanna starts drunkenly dancing around with her stepmonster’s dress, gets dizzy, and TOTALLY YAKS all over the darn thing!

Before . . . 

After . . . 

The evil wench, of course, sees the whole thing go, down, smirks triumphantly, and heads off to give the toast by herself.

After the party, Papa Marin goes into the ladies’ room (What the heck is with this family following eachother into bathrooms?!)  He’s FURIOUS with his daughter for getting wasted, and bailing on the toast.  Hanna argues that Facelift Kate was drinking too, but Papa said SHE was poised and mature during the toast, unlike his Alchy of a DAUGHTER!

Grandma Awesome sticks up for Hanna, insisting that Papa should take it easy on her.  After all, it’s not like she PUKED ON THE BRIDE, which is what Grandma would have done!  When Facelift Kate returns, Grandma TOTALLY has her number, yanks her purse away from her, and extracts the two water bottles.

“Mmm!  Smells like breakfast!” 

Of course, the one Kate was drinking was plain water, whereas Hanna’s was PURE VODKA.

Granny gives a miserable, and sure to be VERY hungover tomorrow morning Hanna a hug, and takes her favorite granddaughter home to sleep it off . . .   Ooh!  I HATE FACELIFT KATE!  I can’t wait to see what Hanna has planned for her revenge!  It better be something GOOD!

Why You Should Never Discount Your Ex-Girlfriends . . . Even While they are in De-Gaying Camp . . .

“This is what I’m going to use to smack Granny for rearranging my cabinets, without permission.”

While Hanna is busy changing her stepmonster’s wedding dress from gawdy gold to puke brown (with coconut shrimp chunks), Emily is at home with Mama Marin having a heart-to-heart.  (Isn’t it weird / sort of sad that Emily’s relationship with Hanna’s mom seems way more affectionate and honest than her relationship with her own?)  Emily asks Mama Marin if she is upset about being home, while her former husband marries a Rich B*tch with an Evil Spawn of a Daughter . . .  Mama Marin admits that it’s hard, but that she’s doing her best to get by.  (I’m sure it helps to Mama Marin to know that Granny is going to make that Evil Wench’s life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!)

Then Mama’s maternal instincts kick in, and she asks Emily what’s going on between her and Samara.

“Well, actually, I think she left the show to play a supernatural creature on The Vampire Diaries, like all my ex-girlfriends eventually do.”

When Emily explains that there are still a lot of unanswered questions in her relationship with Samara, Mama Marin notes that, when you have unanswered questions in a relationship, it’s best to . . . you know . . . ASK THE OTHER PERSON ABOUT THEM.  (Duh!)  Shortly thereafter, we see Emily waiting at a restaurant for somebody.

And we THINK it’s going to be Samara . . .

“Nope!  Guess again!” 

So, you can imagine our surprise (Well, at least those of us who hadn’t read the spoilers were surprised!)  when the person who sits down at the other end of the table is . . . wait for it . . . MAYA!

Looking good, Maya!  De-gaying camp, has done wonders for your complexion! 

That’s right, boys and girls!  Fresh from De-Gaying Camp, Emily’s first girlfriend has clawed her way out of the PLL Vortex for Lost Significant Others, and right back into Emily’s heart.  I have to say, it was cute, how well these two seemed to relate to one another.  And, considering how EFFED up, sexually confused, and emotionally abused by her mom Emily was, when she FIRST started dating Maya, it was great to see our Emily looking all happy, horny and evolved, this time around.

If you know me, you know I wasn’t Maya’s biggest fan, the first time around.  However, she definitely won me over with her little jab at Emily’s ex-girlfriend “Little Orphan Bitchy.”

BOO!  Hiss! 

“She shoved your head underwater, and you STILL DATED HER!  Man, I didn’t come back a moment too soon!”  (Truer words were never spoken, Maya.)

Foreplay?

And then, Emily and Girlfriend #1 lived Happily Ever After . . . (at least until next week, when “A” will probably try to decapitate Emily and blame on Maya, or something else awful like that . . . No relationship is sacred on this show . . .)

Speaking of relationships, “A” has yet to ruin . . .

Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Eyes Closed, While Making Out with Abs Toby . . .

There’s this totally random scene, at the beginning of the episode, in which a Grossed Out Abs Toby spies his adopted sis, Blind Jenna, lining up discarded fruit rinds on the dashboard of Policeboy Garrett’s car.

I love Toby’s disturbed facial expression, here . . . 

But Police Boy Garrett’s is EVEN FUNNIER! 

Oddly enough, Policeboy Garrett doesn’t seem to mind to mind that much, and starts sucking Blind Jenna’s face right in front of poor Abs Toby, who’s probably WISHING he was blind, right about now . . .

“AHHHH!  MY EYES!” 

Later, we have this sadly prophetic scene, in which Spencer makes out with Abs Toby in his pickup truck, on the way to school, and tells him that they have to be careful, or “A” will try and break them up.  Abs Toby promises her that this will never happen, which makes us feel pretty certain that it WILL . . .

Enjoy it while it lasts, Spoby!  Because something tells me you are in for a World of “A” Pain!

That night, we get a MUCH HOTTER Spoby Makeout session, which features Abs Toby’s half unbuttoned shirt.  (TAKE IT OFF, TOBY!  TAKE IT ALL OFF!)

Talk about a buzz kill.  Things are just about to move to a TV-MA rating, when Abs Toby notices two figures involved in an intense discussion upstairs in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom.  He tells Spencer what he saw.  And Spencer wonders why Abs Toby had his eyes open, while they were making out.

This, of course, made me think of that Bruno Mars’ song, “Grenade.”  (“I should have known you were trouble from your first kiss.  You had your eyes wide open.  Why were they open?“)  So, then I started singing to myself.  Annnnnd .  . . I pretty much missed the rest of the scene.  OOPS!  (Damn you, Bruno Mars!)  I’ll try my best to tell you what happened, anyway.

Now that Spencer knows that Abs Toby is watching her kiss him, she’s probably feeling pretty uncomfortable.  I mean, what does she look like, when she’s kissing?   Does she make a weird face?  Is her mouth doing something weird?  It’s got to be pretty disconcerting to know something like this.

So, of course, NOW SHE’S KISSING WITH HER EYES WIDE OPEN (Why were they open?  I gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, yes you diiiiiiiddd . . .  SEE, what you did to me, Abs Toby?)

While open-eyed macking, Spencer sees the same thing that Abs Toby saw.  And now she’s thoroughly freaked out.  So, she rushes from the car, as a half-naked Abs Toby chases after her.  (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)

NO TOBY!  Take the shirt OFF!  Trust me, you will run MUCH faster . . . 😉 

But it gets worse.  The person Facelift Vampire Jason was talking to ends up being . . . wait for it . . . HER DAD!

Cue SPENCER FACE!

A fairly intense scene follows, in which Spencer tries to get her dad to explain what the f*&k he’s doing hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, and her dad totally blows her off!  Then, Abs Toby gets in the mix, risking his job, and his relationship with his potential future father-in-law, by demanding that Daddy Dearest answer Spencer’s questions.

Daddy is FURIOUS, that his daughter’s boyfriend would have the AUDACITY to confront him in this way.  (Personally, I thought it was kind of hot!)  He wants Spencer to come home with him IMMEDIATELY, but she refuses.  And her and Abs Toby speed away in their car, as Daddy Dearest chases after it . . . like a dumb dog, who’s just gotten off his leash . . .

“Oh, go pee on a hydrant, Dad!  I have more open-eyed face-sucking to do!” 

When Spencer arrives home that night, Daddy Dearest reluctantly admits that Ali and Facelift Jason’s grandmother had changed her will right before she died, and TOTALLY cut Facelift Jason out, leaving everything to Ali.  Then, after BOTH Ali and granny died, the Dilaurentis’ hired Daddy Dearest to alter the date on the will, and it’s contents, so that it didn’t appear to give Jason a motive for killing Ali.  (Annnnd, now we know where Jason got all his money from!)

Mind control, of course! 

In a flashback, we see Alison suggest that Jason may have sold a family heirloom to buy drugs, and that she may have gone to visit her grandmother before she died to tell her this, so that she would change her will.

“I’m going to take ALL YOUR MONEY!  Suck on THAT, Facelift Vampire Jason!” 

Spencer then, puts two and two together, recalling that Alison (and possibly Ian?) went away to Georgia, shortly before her death, to visit her grandmother.  And this was, possibly, when she got the will changed.   Given all this, now Spencer REALLY thinks Facelift Vampire Jason killed Ali  . . . both, for the money, and to get back at her for trying to have him cut out of the will.

Daddy Dearest warns Spencer not to pursue such theories, which brings Spencer to a more dangerous question.  “What does the Dilaurentis Family have on US, that you were willing to break the law to help them?”

“I’ve been a bad, bad boy . . .” 

“You are SOOOO busted!” 

Daddy Dearest didn’t exactly have an answer for that one, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with the fact that he’s porking (or at least used to pork Ali and Jason’s mom) . . .  We’ll see if I’m right . . .

Why You Should Never Touch Psycho Mike’s Computer . . .

“Stop trying to steal my internet porn, MOM!” 

Ma and Pa Montgomery are fighting about Psycho Mike.  Pa Montgomery wants him on anti-depressants, since he thinks his emotional condition is the same genetic one that afflicted his brother.  Ma Montgomery doesn’t think drugs are necessarily the answer.  She wants Psycho Mike to try talking to a therapist first, to see what specifically is causing Mike to behave this way.

Honestly, I can usually care less about Aria’s parents, but their discussion was an interesting one, this week.  After all, both Ma and Pa have a point.  On one hand, there shouldn’t be any stigma against taking medication for clinical depression.  And, in this case, Mike has both a family history of the disease, and is showing all the classic signs.  On the other hand, knowing this show, Mike’s sudden depression is almost certainly situational, and almost definitely has something to do with “A.”  So, talking, more than drugs, is probably the answer here . . .

“Hey Psycho Mike?  Why don’t you take a break from Cyber Sex, and come down for dinner, K?” 

Anywhoo . . . Aria enters Mike’s room to find him once again tapping away at his computer (which seems somehow linked to whatever it is that causing him to act out).  She tells Mike to come down for dinner, and when he refuses, Mama Montgomery comes in, and tries to take his computer away.  BAD MOVE!  Psycho Mike FREAKS OUT, and wrenches it from her fingers, causing her to fall back into one of his chests of drawers, and seriously hurt her wrist.

It’s a heartbreaking scene, as a horrified Psycho Mike, upon realizing that he just basically beat up his own mother, dashes into the bathroom, while Ma Montgomery chokes back tears.

I have to say, Holly Marie Combs was remarkable in this scene.  As a typically strong mother type, it was fascinating to see Ma Montgomery looking unusually timid and fragile, this week. I honestly had tears in my eyes, when she frantically made Aria promise not to tell her father what Mike did.  Ma Montgomery seems afraid of what her husband would do to Psycho Mike, if he found out.   She also seems just the slightest bit afraid of her own son . . .

This storyline made me teary AGAIN, when Aria came back into Psycho Mike’s room, and sat on the edge of his bed, next to him.  “Is mom going to be all right?”  He asked his sister nervously, acting the part of the innocent younger brother, once again.

“Yes,” replied Aria.

“Am I going to be?”  He asked worriedly.

“Yes,” exclaimed Aria, pulling her little brother in for a tight hug.

Source

(All together now: AWWWWWWW!)

Toward the end of the episode, Aria, tired of all the secrets her family has been keeping from one another, finally confronts her parents about Psycho Mike’s stealing.

And when Mike, himself, comes down to the living room to be with his family, we all feel a bit of hope, that things might finally start to become a bit less angsty in the Montgomery home.

 *sniffle, sniffle*  “I just keep having all of these FEELINGS!”

(Or, at least, we can FINALLY figure out what the f*&k has been going on with Psycho Mike!)

Why You Should Always Check Your Bobble Head Dolls for Bugs . . .

Dr. Freud is ALWAYS listening . . . 

The night after her morning meeting with the PLL girls, and her triumphany BULLIES ARE BAD speech, Shrinkypoo is walking the streets of Rosewood by herself late at night (never a good idea, by the way), when she gets a strange cell phone call.  The call is basically a taperecording on repeated playback of Shrinkypoo talking to the girls, during their private therapy session.

“Hi, Shrinkypoo!  I’m calling to confirm the appointment I have with you later tonight.  My name is ‘DEATH’.” 

Having already had her office broken into once before, an understandably terrified Shrinkypoo calls the Lame-o Rosewood cops to search for bugs in her office.  These police academy rejects find no such bugs, but that’s clearly because they aren’t really looking all that hard.  Not surprisingly, Policeboy Garrett is there.

“Gee Shrinkypoo, I’m really sorry that you have a potentially murderous stalker watching your every move.  But I need to get back to making out with my underage girlfriend . . .  Catch ya later . . . unless, you are already dead by then.”

Oddly enough, all Policeboy seems interested in are the names of the patients that were in Shrinkypoo’s session during the supposed bugging, so that he can find them, chop them into tiny pieces, and feed them to Blind Jenna.  Shrinkypoo is fortunately smart enough not to give the Shady Police Boy this confidential information.  And he leaves in a huff . . .

Later, while thumbing through her files, Shrinkypoo comes upon one file in particular belonging to a patient, the same age as the PLL girls.  Upon studying the file, Shrinkypoo notes some shocking similarities between the patient and this “A” the girls are describing.

So, she calls Emily and tells her to gather the girls and meet her at the office ASAP.   “I know who A is,” Shrinkypoo says, though OF COURSE, she conveniently doesn’t give this information out over the phone.  Because that would be too easy, right?

By the way, remember that time when HANNA texted the PLL girls to tell them that SHE knew who “A” was?  Remember what happened to her, back then?

Ahhhh, memories . . . 

So, the girls’, of course, rush to Shrinkypoo’s office, eager to learn the true identity of “A.”  But when they get there . . . SURPRISE!  She’s not there!  In fact, she might be DEAD!

At least that’s what THIS text message, which the girls get, shortly after arriving in the office, seems to suggest . . .

OH NO!  How are the girls ever going to learn “A’s” identity now!  THE HORROR!

In the final scene, we see gloved hand trashing the incriminating therapy file, and removing a not-particularly-well hidden bug from the bottom of a Sigmund Freud bobble head  (See, Police Boy Garrett!  Dead Shrinkypoo was RIGHT!  It wasn’t IN THE WALL!) . . .

Damn you, “A”!   Damn YOU!

If you thought this week’s PLL was intense, wait until you check out next week’s trailer!  Be prepared for ugly dolls, more cryptic “A” messages, and a weird Ali dream sequence, among other things . . .

You know what else is going to be INTENSE about next week’s summer finale?  My blogger pal, France and I will be LIVEBLOGGING IT!

Yes, Hanna, we love it too!  Be sure to check back later this week, when I will have exclusive details on how YOU can take part of this spectacular event!

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

7 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars

BITE ME, UNCLE ALPHA! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale Part II “Code Breaker”

Derek Hale, you just purchased a brand new pair of red-colored contacts became the new Alpha.  What are you going to do now?

DEREK: “I’m going to have crazy, mindblowing, sex with a TV Recapper!” 

Greetings Werebangers!  Well, the finale of Teen Wolf has come and gone.  And the world, as we know it, will never be the same.  We’ve seen things we can’t unsee: people with their throats ripped out; corpses tucked in the trunks of cars; skin irreparably burned by twin Molotov Cocktails; a body spewing blood across a hospital bed, like a geyser . . .

 . . . and, the most shocking image of all . . . DEREK HALE SMILING!

So, reload that crossbow, toss me a Molotov, and show me your teeth, because it’s time for the FINAL Teen Wolf Recap of the Year . . .

Man, I’m going to miss using this GIF!

(As always, special thanks to the spectacularly brilliant and talented screencapper Andre, for the images you see here.  Were it not for all his help, this season, these recaps would probably be filled with nothing more than my LAME words, and a few random promotional stills that I nabbed off  MTV.com. 🙂 )

“So . . . ummmmm, Allison.  About my New Face . . .”

“You like?”

When we last left those two crazy kids, Allison and Scott, they were contemplating a little quickie in the old school bus .  . .

 . . . until, of course,  that mean ole’ cock block, Papa Argent came, and TRIED TO RUN SCOTT OVER WITH HIS CAR . . .

 Damn you, Papa Argent!  It’s YOUR fault that this show is only rated “T” for teen!

Once Scott realizes what has happened, he runs off to LITERALLY go howl in the woods .  . .

OK, Scott.  I know your “devastated,” and all.  But is it really necessary to go rolling around in dirt, in your WHITE DRESS SHIRT?  What is this . . . the beginning of a Tide detergent commercial?

Having been effectively neutered by his girlfriend’s dad, Scott goes to the vet’s office, so he can “sort out his feelings” along with the other K-9’s .  . .

*sniffle, sniffle*  “I wish I could just roll over, and play dead.” 

As for Allison, she’s more in shock than anything else.  Wouldn’t you be, if you found out you were screwing a dog?

AWKWARD!

 Papa Argent hugs his frightened daughter to his chest, and drives her home.  Given the state she’s in, he will probably have to wait until tomorrow to get her a rabies shot.

Meanwhile, out on the football field . . .

Road Trippin’ with Uncle Alpha

Stiles is freaking out now, huddled, as he is, over a definitely unconscious Lydia’s limp body.

“Uhh . . . Lydia?  I really hope you don’t let this reflect poorly on your opinion of our first date.”

But Uncle Alpha doesn’t seem all that concerned.  He has bigger fish to fry than prospectively dead redheads.  He wants to find Derek Hale, and he needs Stiles to help him do it.  “Why don’t you just kill me, already?” Stiles shouts.

Oh, come on, Stiles!  Let’s not be so overdramatic!  I mean, Lydia’s a nice girl and all (Well . . . not really).  But she’s not technically your girlfriend yet, is she?  So, there’s really no need to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, now.  Is there?

After Uncle Alpha assures Stiles that he doesn’t want to immediately kill him, Stiles reluctantly agrees to help him find Derek.  However, being the chivalrous gentleman he is, Stiles absolutely refuses to leave Lydia three-quarters dead, in the middle of the football field.  (What a guy!)  So, Uncle Alpha, ever the resourceful Super Villain, suggests that Stiles call Jackson, and tell him where he could go to pick up his ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-human.

“Lord, when I asked you for a ready and waiting woman, to fall into my arms, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” 

Chilling out in Stiles’ jeep together, en route to Uncle Alpha’s car (which is located in the parking lot of the mall / grocery store) “sensitive” Uncle Alpha tells Stiles not to worry about Lydia, since there’s a good chance she could come back to life, as a big hairy werewolf.  What a refreshing thought, Uncle Alpha!  Stiles, of course notes that this would also mean that Lydia will start sprouting hair in weird, unattractive places, undoubtedly causing Stiles to cough up many a hairball, if and when he sleeps with her will eventually lose control, and try to EAT STILES, at some point, all because she’s having a bad day.

Yeah . . . that wasn’t what I meant. 

Uncle Alpha can’t really argue with that assessment, so he starts humming to the tunes on the radio, instead . . .

“My mouth is alive, with juices like wine.  And I’m Hungry Like the Wolffffff.” 

Over in the parking lot, Uncle Alpha lets Stiles get a peek underneath his hood . . . oops, I mean, in the trunk of his car . . . which is actually the red-headed nurse’s car.  “But  . .  . she’s dead,” exclaims Captain Obvious Stiles, in horror.

Check out the hand.  It looks kind of wolfy to me.  I guess “getting the bite” doesn’t necessarily promise a long life, now, does it? 

“I got better,” remarks Uncle Alpha emotionlessly.  (Haha!  I like THIS GUY!  He’s funny!)

From the stinky corpse-filled trunk, Uncle Alpha extracts a iMac laptop, causing Stiles to wonder whether ALL werewolves are MAC people.   (Gee, I wonder how much Apple paid for THAT little advertisement?)

Buy iMac . . . for all your wolfy, human flesh-eating needs. 

Now, all they have to do, is type Scott’s iPhone username and password into the computer, and they can figure out where Derek (who has been hanging on to the phone for precisely this purpose), is being held captive.  After making a few growled threats, and promising to keep Scott safe, Uncle Alpha eventually gets Stiles to admit that he knows both Scott’s username AND password by heart.

Stiles types both in, and Uncle Alpha hilariously rolls his eyes.  “His username is ‘Allison.’  And his password is also ‘Allison‘?”  He snorts derisively.

“Apparently, I’ve just let the human equivalent of a tampon into my wolf pack.”

(OK, so, I immediately guessed Scott’s password.  He’s not particularly intelligent, or creative, after all.  But that username threw me.  I mean, what kind of guy chooses “Allison” for their username?  The kind of guy who gets weepy, while watching The Notebook, that’s who!)

“Are you sure you still want him in your pack?”  Stiles quips.

Uncle Alpha doesn’t look sure at all.  In fact, he’s probably wishing he took Stiles, instead, or Stiles’ dad, or THIS GUY . . .

 . . . anybody aside from Schmoopy Scott and his oh-so-creative cell phone passwords!

Within moments, Derek Sexy Pants’ location is revealed.  Apparently, Auntie Kate has been keeping him in a dungeon, underneath the guy’s OWN HOUSE, this WHOLE TIME.

Source

I suspect the warehouse was used back in the day, by the family, to prevent themselves from eating their neighbors, during the Full Moon.  (How thoughtful!)

Having gotten what he wanted out of Stiles, Uncle Alpha takes the keys to the poor kid’s jeep and smashes them in his hands, so he can’t follow him. He then prepares to strand the poor guy in the parking lot.

Wait . . . how did he get them all to bend in different directions?  That’s pretty impressive! 

“Oh, so your not going to kill me?”  Stiles asks, seeming slightly disappointed, if you ask me.

Uncle Alpha, honestly, seems hurt by the notion that he would kill the most popular character on this show. “When are you going to realize that I’m not the bad guy here?”

“You turn into a giant monster, with red eyes and fangs, and YOU’RE not the bad guy?”  Stiles quips.  (LOVE HIM!)

“I’m just misunderstood.” 

Though clearly played up for humor, this conversation actually brings up a good point about Uncle Alpha.  I mean, of course, he’s the Bad Guy!  How could a guy morph into something that looks that hideous and not be? And yet, Uncle Alpha is far from the one-note maniac with his heart set on World Domination that we so often see on these types of shows.

Much like the Argents (well, at least Papa Argent . . . there’s no accounting for Auntie Kate the Psychotic Werewolf Slayer), Uncle Alpha has a code to live by, and that code is Vengeance.  All his actions throughout the season were geared toward attaining that goal.  And while this doesn’t make his actions justifiable, it certainly gives him a valid, and somewhat relateable, motive for his crimes.

So, while WE view Uncle Alpha as a Bad Guy for what he did to Laura Hale . . .

 You just don’t come back from something like this . . .

. . . and what he’s TRYING to do to Derek, Scott, and his friends, as viewers, we can definitely see why Uncle Alpha HIMSELF doesn’t see himself as a Bad Guy, but more as a victim, of sorts, turned renegade anti-hero.

In fact, to prove he’s “not a Bad Guy,” Uncle Alpha offers to repay Stiles for  all his heart work and support, by BITING HIS ARM OFF!

 “Does anybody have any butter?”

That’s right, boys and girls!  Realizing that one of his packmembers is this uber sappy emo kid, who’s unhealthily obsessed with his girlfriend, Uncle Alpha has decided that it might not be such a bad idea to do a little additional pack recruiting.  And he wants Stiles on his man-eating team.

Just as Derek did with Scott, during the Pilot episode, Uncle Alpha begins to sell Stiles on the joys of being a werewolf.  Believe it or not, the “DO YOU WANT THE BITE?” scene was by far my favorite of the episode, and, considering this episode contained within it a heaping helping of Shirtless Derek, that’s saying A LOT!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

“You know, I bit Scott that night, because I needed a pack, but it could just as easily have been you . . . ” Uncle Alpha begins.  (Well, that’s a new piece of information!)  “If it doesn’t kill you, which it might . . . you will become like us . . .  no more standing on the sidelines watching Scott grow stronger, and more popular . .  . watching him get the girl.  You two will be equals . . . maybe you’ll even more than that.”

This naughty little puppy is about to get a spanking. 

One of the things that makes Uncle Alpha such an intriguing character, is that he is capable of SO much empathy, especially for a villain.  (A quality which the female Auntie Kate, ironically seems to almost completely lack.)  The reason why Uncle Alpha is so great at manipulating the other characters on this show, is that he has such a deep understanding of them.

He knows that Derek is primarily driven by his guilt over the pain of losing his family.  He KNOWS that Scott would pretty much sell out his own mother to protect Allison.  And he knows that Stiles, while being predominately driven by loyalty toward his friends, also deep down, must be feeling some resentment toward being forced to the sidelines, as the less intelligent, and less generous Scott is given the opportunity to shine with his newfound abilities, and new hot girlfriend.

Source

You gotta admit, for a socially awkward high school kid, who’s best friend is already a werewolf, accepting Uncle Alpha’s offer sounds like a pretty good idea, don’t you think?  (Just ask Jackson.)

“Please bite me in the ass.  I’ll be your best friend!” 

Stiles doesn’t say anything at first.  He just sort of stands their gawking at Uncle Alpha, like he wants to make out with him, or something.  Not one to stand on ceremony, Uncle Alpha grabs Stiles’ arm, and slowly lifts it toward his mouth.  But Stiles snatches it back at the last second.  “I don’t want to be like you,” Stiles hisses.

(I know it’s random, but I just couldn’t resist.)

Uncle Alpha doesn’t believe Stiles, because apparently his heart was beating faster, when he said the words, “I don’t want,” thereby signifying a lie.

I guess lie detection is another cool party trick werewolves can do!  I don’t know, Stiles.  It sounds like you are missing out.

Having had his “gift” denied, Uncle Alpha bids Stiles adieu, and heads off in Stiles’ jeep toward La Casa de Old and Decrepit, a.k.a. Derk Hales House . . .

Don’t Mess with Mama Argent!

Back at the Walmart of Guns, Papa Argent is reading Auntie Kate the riot act, for letting the cat out of the bag to Allison about the whole “werewolves exist, and we kill them” thing.  (So,  I guess this means Papa Argent didn’t expose Scott as a werewolf to Allison, on purpose?)

He’s beginning to question Auntie Kate’s real reasons behind returning to town, and whether she’s adhering to the code, considering she seemed so willing to put a teenager like Scott’s life at risk, even though he’s never spilled any blood, while in wolf form.  (Well . . . except maybe Danny’s.)

How soon we forget! 

You can tell that Papa Argent is already starting to piece things together, when he notes that Uncle Alpha only seems to be killing those individuals with some connection to the Hale fire.  “Well, everyone always blamed us for that,” Kate argues.  (UHH HUH!  With good reason!  Because YOU did it, B*tch!)

Why do I get this weird incestual vibe, everytime I watch these two interact on screen with one another?

Ultimately, Papa Argent punishes Auntie Kate for her insubordination, by benching her from the Game of Kill Alpha, and forcing her to take Allison out of town to ensure that she is safe from any possible retaliatory Alpha acts that might be made against her person, within the next couple of days.  Auntie Kate reluctantly agrees, but she does so with a mishievous gleam in her eyes, that seems to suggest that she has other plans for her and Allison, ones that involve a bit less road tripping, and a bit more ass-kicking . . .

I would wipe that smirk off your face, if I were you.  In about 15 minutes, you aren’t going to have a throat . . . or a working neck, for that matter.

Upstairs in Allison’s room, her mom is helping her to pack for her little “Please don’t kill me, Mean Werewolf,” excursion.

We’ve really only met mom once or twice this season.  But we already know she’s a total WACKJOB, one that makes Auntie Kate look like a pussycat by comparison.  (Who would have thought that scary Papa Argent, would end up being the most docile and relatable adult in this family?)

“Who you callin’ DOCILE?” 

In addition to her severe haircut, and super frightening alien eyes, Allison’s mom is like a cross between a Stepford Wife, Mommy Dearest, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, and a rabid pitbull.  During her scene with Allison she alternates from faux smiling and discussing the weather up north, and what Allison should wear, to screaming at her to keep quiet about all the family secret’s she’s recently learned.  Mommy Dearest, indeed . . .

Gross Anatomy (No, really . . . that sh*t’s nasty.)

Just as Uncle Alpha had envisioned, Jackson retrieves Lifeless Lydia from the football field, and carries her back to school to get some help.  She is promptly brought to the hospital where, according to the doctors, she seems to be having an allergic reaction of sorts to the bite she received.

Don’t I look all pretty and angelic, in my hospital bed?”

Outside in the waiting area, Deputy Daddy gives Jackson a good ole’ TVD style wall slam, demanding to know exactly what happened to this teen, who was suppposedly Jackson’s girlfriend.

Source

I suspect Jackson has a pretty good idea of precisely what happened to Lydia.  But, of course, he passes the buck, telling Deputy Daddy that maybe he should ask HIS SON, since HE was Lydia’s actual date to the dance, not Jackson.

Now it’s Deputy Daddy’s turn to be near tears.  “Somebody better find my song,” he whispers frantically, before finally letting Stiles go.

Entering the hospital with a creepy detached look in her eye is Allison, who’s walking through the hospital halls, like she’s a dude with a hard-on.

 I didn’t know there were zombies on this show . . .

She immediately finds Lydia’s bed.  And when she places her hand on the glass, Allison envisions Lydia, seizing violently, and shooting blood all across the room.

That was neat, Allison!  I want to learn to do that!

Of course, when she removes her hand, Lydia goes back to normal, her bed just as white and pristine, as when the bedsheets were first washed.  But hey, just because it was a hallucination on Allison’s part, didn’t make it any less nasty.

When Allison returns to the car, “supportive” Auntie Kate is right there waiting to give her a little snide, “I told you so.”

Why does this picture remind me of a poster for the direct-to-video sequel of Thelma and Louise?

According to Auntie Kate, this is what ALL werewolves do.  “They just can’t help themselves . . . yes, even Scott.”

Oh, Auntie Kate, you Shameless Murderer of Young Love, you!

“DIE, ROMANCE, DIE!” 

When Stiles finally arrives at the hospital, his father is clearly relieved to see him alive.  But still . . . he has some SERIOUS explaining to do, about the whole, “leave your date in the middle of a field to die, after she was bit by  . . . SOMETHING” thing.  Nevertheless, Deputy Daddy has some important information to share with Stiles.  Specifically, he tells him that the person who orchestrated the Hale fire was a woman, currently in her late 20’s wearing a very distinct necklace.

And that’s how Stiles FINALLY fingered Kate .  . .

. . .  wait . . . that didn’t come out right.

Of course, now that Stiles has returned, everyone seems to be looking for Scott.  Deputy Daddy inquires as to his wereabouts, but both Stiles and Jackson remain mum.  However, when Papa ARGENT, asks the same question, Jackson, who I will hereinafter refer to as the Little Weiner tha Couldn’t, or Little Weiner for short, cracks under the pressure.  (SURPRISE!)

It’s time for more idle threats and wall slams!  Yay!

“Pucker up, cutie pie!”

Papa Argent takes this captive audience opportunity to tell Stiles his furry little bedtime story, about the time he had to shoot his rabid werewolf, former best friend in the head.  Stiles snarks that Papa should use better judgment selecting friends.  Papa fires back, by forcing Stiles to recall the time he was forced to chain Scott to the radiator, during the whole Bad Scott Full Moon episode.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memmoriesssss, of the way we werreeee.” 

In response, Stiles FINALLY lets Papa in on what we’ve known all along, that Auntie Kate was the one who broke the Hunter Bro Code to burn down the Hale House, all those years ago.

Annnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once Papa Argent is done man-handling the kiddies, Stiles and Jackson decide to head off in Stiles’ Porsche to go find Scott themselves, since they are both pretty sure, under the circumstances, that he is hanging out at La Casa de Old and Decrepit with Wolfman Derek.

Scott McCall to the Rescue (I guess there’s a first time for everything!)

We return to the dungeons to find Sexy Wolfman Derek still shirtless . . .

*sigh*

 . . . and still being beaten by the Argent Enforcer, Mr. Clean .  . . this time, with a bat.

I’ve never been so jealous of a bat before in my life .  . . 

Scott finds Derek by howling at the moon.

(Because that’s not cheesy at all.) 

By the time Scott arrives, Derek has managed to remove enough of his chains to knock out the enforcer.  Derek is pretty happy to see his fellow pack member.

“So, this one time . . . at band camp . . .” 

But the pair seem to be at a bit of a standstill.  You see, Derek wants Scott to help him out of his last restaints, but Scott wants Derek to promise to help Scott rescue Allison first.  Having had his own  . . . negative experiences with Argents during his teen years . . .

 . . .  Derek wants Scott to buck up and behave like a wolf.  “You are 16-years old . . . you are not in love.  You are a CHILD,” Derek growls, even though he can’t really be more than five years older than the “child,” himself.

But then Scott conveniently shows Derek the paper indicating that the Alpha, with the nurse’s help had lured Laura Hale into town to kill her, so that he could become the Alpha.  And suddenly a vengeful Derek is right back on the “Help Scott, Save Allison, Kill Alpha Team.”  He breaks out of the restraints himself, and the two betas make a run for it . . .

Nice Knowing Ya, Auntie Kate (Well . . . not really . . . but, you know .  . .)

Derek and Scott are running around La Casa de Old and Decrepit, when Derek suddenly has the strangest feeling that they are being stalked.  Scott suddenly decides to get all META, and tell Derek that by SAYING seems to easy, he’s pretty much GUARANTEEING that bad sh*t will go down.

NOW, you tell me!” 

Cue the entrance of Allison and Kate, and their weird weapons arsenal.  Using her archery bow, Allison expertly hits Derek with two silver tipped arrows at Kate’s command.

“WOAH!  How did THAT get there?” 

She then blows up a tree near Scott to blind and incapacitate him.

Cue the Bad Ass Female Music, as the two women walk in slow mo toward their prey.  A whiny squinty Scott continues to proclaim to an angry Allison that despite pretty much lying to her for 11 episodes straight, he really does love her, and has only been trying to protect her this entire time.  Kate interrupts this sweet heartfelt moment to tell Allison that it’s time to kill the Betas.  Naive Allison is SHOCKED at this suggestion.  “I thought you just wanted to catch them,” she exclaims.

Really Allison?  Have you met Kate the WEREWOLF SLAYER?  Have you been watching the same show we have?  Then Kate shoots Derek in the stomach WITH A GUN to prove she’s serious . . .

Then, before Allison can scream “SCOOOOOOOOOT,” she pushes her own niece out of the way, and prepares to put a bullet in our heroes brain.

It’s PAPA ARGENT to the rescue?  He reminds Kate that shooting teens is not acceptable.  She has gone against the code for the last time.  “Put the gun down, or I will put you down,” he threatens, holding a gun in his sister’s face.

(Now don’t you wish you could put THAT sentiment on a Hallmark card for  YOUR sister’s birthday?)

This little Fun Family Moment, is interrupted by the ominous opening of the door to La Casa de Old and Decrepit.  Scott’s eyes begin to glow.  “It’s the Alpha,” he snarls.

Suddenly, the Alpha is circling the Argents at top speed, knocking them to the ground, one by one.  It’s pretty darn hilarious, I have to say, particularly when he does it to Allison.  (Yes, I’m a total b*tch, I know.)  Saving the best for last, he grabs Auntie Kate, and breaks her arm, causing her to drop her only weapon.   He then throws her into the Hale House.

Oh, it’s ON!

Allison runs into the house, frantic to save her Aunt, who the Alpha now has by the neck.

Cutest Couple EVER! 

For the first time, Auntie Kate looks scared, and vulnerable.  She’s no dummy, and knows the end is near for her.  Uncle Alpha remarks that Allison and Kate look a lot alike, only Allison is less damaged.  (Something tells me, she won’t be “less damaged” for much longer, after witnessing this!)  Uncle Alpha then tearfully asks Kate to apologize for killing his entire family.  Kate rasps out a sorry.  But Uncle Alpha breaks her neck, and rips out her throat, anyway, as Allison looks on in horror.

Sayonara SUCKA! 

“I don’t know about you, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere to me,” Uncle Alpha snarls.  (You have to admit, he has a point.)

Then the Alpha lunges for Allison.  But ta-da!  It’s a wolfy Scott and Derek to the rescue.  Scott growls for Allison to run.  It’s GO TIME!

Werewolf Showdown (Cue the bad CGI Graphics!)

As Uncle Alpha’s face gets all stretchy, weird and Alpha like . . .

 This gives the term facelift a whole new meaning . . .

However, Scott and Derek dominate the human transformer, by kicking him, punching him, and doing back flips and karate chops on him. But when Uncle Alpha morphs into his full Alpha mode.  All bets are off, and the playing field is no longer even.  Uncle Alpha then easily incapacitates Derek for like the 80th time this episode, and stalks out toward the humans, who are waiting for him outside

UH OH!

Rock on, Scooby Gang!

Stiles and Jackson arrive on the scene, just as Uncle Alpha is running through the door.

Though I’m not sure when they had time to make them, each is carrying a Molotov Cocktail.  Stiles throws his first.  And, in an echo to the “Night School” episode, the Alpha catches it . . .

Chug a Lug, Alpha! 

 . . . except THAT time the Cocktail was made wrong.  This time, it was made CORRECTLY.  Thinking fast, Scott throws Allison her crossbow, and she shoots an arrow through the Cocktail, causing it and Uncle Alpha to burst into flames.

“Stop, drop and ROLL, Alpha!” 

Jackson then throws HIS Molotov Cocktail to fuel the fire, and Scott needlessly . . . but I guess the writers needed him to do SOMETHING finishes Uncle Alpha off, by kicking him into a nearby tree (Honestly, I’m not sure how he managed to not get burned doing that, but OK.)

“I’m MEEEEEELLLLTIIIING!” 

The Alpha falls to the ground, looking pretty darn dead.  But shockingly he’s not.  Cue Derek’s triumphant exit from La Casa de Rich and Decrepit.  He walks toward the prone Alpha like a man on a mission.

Scott warns Derek, that if HE kills the Alpha, Scott’s final chance at a cure for his werewolfism is pretty much shot.  But Derek isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to reason.  He leans over the Alpha, with vengeance in his eyes.  “You’ve already made your decision,” rasps the dying, groteque-looking Uncle Alpha.  “I can smell it on you,” he concludes, his eyes glowing red for the last time.

And the Derek does it. Using his nails, he takes a big swipe out of Uncle Alpha’s neck, ripping his throat out, just as the Alpha had done to Auntie Kate, moments ago.

His eyes immediately glow red, and his voice starts to get that creepy echo to it.  “I’m the Alpha now,” he says triumphantly.

YEAH, YOU ARE!

Amidst all this (Because seeing people with their throats ripped out is SUCH a turn on!), Allison crawls over to Scott, and starts making out with his wolf face.  The effect of Allison’s saliva, de-wolf’s Scott. “What did you do that for?”  He inquires.

“Because I love you and I really don’t give a sh*t that my favorite Aunt just died, or that I killed someone, and will, therefore, probably be traumatized for the rest of my life,” Allison replies.

Allison, you DOG F*CKER, YOU! 

Cue the schmoopy music.  OK, I’m officially gagging now . . .

Lydia’s a WHAT??!

After all is said and done, Scott and Stiles sneak back into the hospital to look in on a resting Lydia.  After shutting the creakiest door on the planet behind them . . .

 “I really shouldn’t have eaten those beans, before killing the Alpha.  WOW!”

. . . the besties examine her wounds, and find, to their shock and awe, that they did not heal, as Scott’s did.  This means that Lydia is NOT a werewolf, but . . . wait for it . . . SOMETHING ELSE.”

“Seriously!  Her hair is perfect!  How did she do that?  She must be an ALIEN from Planet Good Hair.” 

The Aftermath . . .

The episode ends with the Argents announcing that they have rallied the hunter troops to avenge Auntie Kate’s death, and deal with whatever werewolfy problem is on the horizon for them.

Apparently, having one of their own publicly admonished for KILLING AN ENTIRE FAMILY, including a bunch of innocent kids, is going to make the Argents unpopular in town.  WHO KNEW?

Allison doesn’t care though, she’s cuddling on the roof with Scott.  PUSH THEM OFF!  SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THEM OFF!  Looking out at the stars . . . and the Full Moon.

QUICK!  STRANGLE HER!  NO ONE WILL KNOW!

Wait, what?  How is Scott human, during a full moon?  Is it because Allison is KEEPING him that way WITH HER LOVE  (blech!), or does it have something to do with Scott’s “maker’s” death.  Only time will tell . . .

In the final scene of the episode, MORON Jackson returns to La Casa de Old and Decrepit to ONCE AGAIN beg NEW ALPHA DEREK to make him into a wolf .  . .

Source

And based on the Big Ole Once in a Lifetime Grin, Derek gets on his face, as he comes down the steps, he may just decide to oblige . . .

Source

Bon Appetite, Derek!  Now you may EAT!

And there you have it folks, an admittedly predictable, but definitely game-changing end to a surprisingly well-written and acted show’s freshman first season.  So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers!  What did you think of the finale?  Was it all you hoped it would be?

Did you correctly guess:  Which two characters would die?  Who would turn into a wolf?  Who would make out under the stars, while nauseatingly cheesy music blasted in the background?

Drop me a line in the comment section, and let me know!

“CALL ME!” 

(P.S. In closing, I just want to say that I’ve had such a great time talking Teen Wolf with all of you, this season!  So, to all you brilliant commenters, and loyal lurkers, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this surprisingly fun and entertaining show with me.  I look forward to doing it all over again with you guys, next summer!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

39 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

High Voltage, Higher Octane – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale, Part I “Formality”

AUNTIE KATE:  “Come on, Werewolf!  Show me your teeth . .  . like in the Lady Gaga song!”

ALLISON:  “Really Kate?   You’ve got this hot specimen of man meat in front of you, and HIS MOUTH is the first thing you want to unzip pop open?  Are you sure we’re really related?”

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?  This is sure shaping up to be one heck of a season finale, isn’t it?  After weeks of speculation, and analysis, the Teen Wolf writers FINALLY seem to be giving us answers to the burning questions we’ve been asking ourselves all season.

And what better backrop for those jawdropping reveals than a High School Dance?  (Well, in truth, some of those reveals came about in a vet’s office, a mall, a warehouse torture chamber, a football field, inside a bus, and in the creepy forest, but still . . .)

So, ramp up your car to 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone, let the Alpha help you pick out your pretty little dress, and give your gay best friend a big manly hug, because it’s time to get this recap started . . .

(Once again, a big round of wolfy applause to my pal Andre, for the spectacular screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done it without you, Mister!)

Rattling the Cages  . . .

“Sorry about the chains, and the electric shocks, Derek.  These days, this is the only way I can get men to sleep with me.” 

“Formality” begins right where “Co-Captain” left off (well, actually, it begins a few hours after that time, but Allison conveniently “flashes back” for us, to fill in the blanks).  As a tearful Allison is cruising through Beacon Hills in the rain . . .

“Does this camera angle make my face look fat?”

. . . she recalls Auntie Kate using poor Wolfed-Out (and deliciously shirtless) Derek as a science experiment in electrical conduction . . .

How dry I am.  How wet, I’ll be.  If I don’t find . . . the bathroom key . . .” 

We see a Crazy-Eyed Auntie Kate gleefully describing the Family Business, as Allison looks on in disgust and horror.  Auntie Kate clearly never took a marketing class, because she SUCKS at selling her niece on the job of werewolf hunting.  For example, coldly telling Allison that she sees Derek as nothing more than an animal, is a REALLY stupid thing to say to Allison . . . the girl who rescued a stray dog she accidentally hit with her car . . . a girl who wrote Peta about her father’s “accidental shooting” of a mountain lion.  Allison is CLEARLY an animal lover . . . just ask Scott . . .

Bestiality?

Auntie Kate’s tactics of persuasion improve slightly, when she plays the “I can make you feel strong and powerful,” card, and the “Your parents thought you were too immature and weak to know about this, but I think you can handle it.  Because I believe in you,” card.

These statements make Allison at least a little bit intrigued about what happens next.  “So, what do I do now?” She inquires.  “Go to the dance, and act like a  normal teenage girl.  Because after that .  . you are going to help me catch the Second Beta.”

Wait . . . the Second Beta?  But that’s Scott!

UH OH!  I smell trouble . . . 

If at First You Get a Speeding Ticket, Cry, Cry Again . . .

“I swear, Officer.  I haven’t been drinking.  It’s just that I have this werewolf in my basement, being electrocuted, as we speak.  Surely, you understand.” 

Back in “Present Day,” Allison is out on the road in the rain, having a Mini Meltdown over the information she just received, when Papa Stiles pulls her over for going 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone IN THE RAIN.  The fact that Allison is bawling her eyes out, and having a major mental meltdown, right there in the car, clearly gives Papa Stiles a hard-on softens Papa Stiles’ heart, while keeping her from getting the speeding ticket she SO richly deserves right now.

“I also think she’s kind of sexy.  Shhhh.  Don’t tell Stiles.” 

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t tried this particular method of “Speeding Ticket” evasion.  After all, what good is being a member of the “fairer sex,” if you can’t use that fact to your advantage, somehow?  And yes, it works . . . just in case you happened to be curious . . . it works like a charm.

Coincidentally, so does THIS . . . not that I would know from personal experience. 

Allison starts nuttily babbling on about how she’s “not like this,” and that she’s “strong,” and “should definitely get a ticket.”  By the time Allison is done with Poor Papa Stiles, he barely remembers his own name, let alone Allison’s specific infraction(s).  In fact, Allison’s SO DAMN GOOD AT THIS, that she somehow manages to get Papa Stiles to BEG her not to have to give her a ticket.  Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about!  Way to go, Allison!

“I know . . . I’m awesome.”

With Papa Stiles out of earshot, a mask of calm falls over Allison’s face, and a nefarious glint appears in her eye.  “I’m OK,” she says to herself, and as if to prove it, we get to see her SHOOT AN ARROW UP POOR DEREK HALE’S NOSE . . . well, at least the artist-sketched poster picture of his nose.

“She shoots . . .” 

“. . .  she SCORES!” 

(That’s NOT cool, Allison.  I don’t think we can be friends, anymore.)

Meanwhile, Scott is shirtless (SURPRISE!), and still being felt up by That Veterinarian Everyone Used to Think Was the Alpha . . .

Beware of Alpha’s carrying wooden desks . . .

VET:  “You’re obviously feeling lightheaded, from all the bloodloss.  You should lie back down, and take off your pants.   You will feel better.”

SCOTT: “What does taking off my pants have to do with it?”

VET:  “Well, that would make ME feel better . . .” 

Our first big reveal of the hour happens in Scott’s pants inside the vets office, where Uncle Alpha has come looking to “pick up” some precious shirtless cargo.

Uncle Alpha’s inquiry seems consistent with those viewers who assumed that the vet was in league with the Big Bad Werewolf, and somehow, doing his bidding.  However, the vet’s response to Uncle Alpha smashes THAT theory to bits.  Rising to eye-level with the Beast, Vet Man fixes his steely gaze on the villain, and tells him, in no uncertain terms that he will NOT deliver Scott to him.

*sings* “I’m sorry that you . . . seem to be confused . . . he belongs to me . . . THE BOY IS MINE!” 

Uncle Alpha then attempts to threaten Vet Man, by showing some claw.  However, Vet Man is two steps ahead of him.  Apparently, the gate between the entrance way and Vet Man’s office is either made with, or been covered by, “mountain ash,” which keeps werewolves in their human form.  Nice move, Vet Dude!

Of course, the absolute COOLEST part of the scene comes when Uncle Alpha lifts up a desk, and THROWS it right at the vet’s stomach, only to find that his body can perfectly deflect the impact, a la Superman!

He has a stomach of steel . . . he neuters your pets., with a single pluck . . . they won’t even feel it, when he shoots them in the ass with a rabies shot.  He’s . . . VET MAN!

“Rats!  Foiled Again!”

In case you’ve been counting, that’s Vet Man: 3, Alpha: 0.   Three strikes, and your OUT!  Don’t let the door hit you, where the Good Lord split you . . .  Of course, Uncle Alpha has a few choice words for Scott, before he leaves the vets office for good.  Uncle Alpha wants his pack minion to know that if he doesn’t straighten up, and fly right, the Alpha will . . . wait for it . . . KILL ALLISON!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . wait . . . why am I still holding his key?” 

Later, back at Scott’s house . . .

Well, Well, Well . . .  Look Who’s FINALLY decided to play hero . . .

“This sounds like a job for . . . NON DOUCHEY SCOTT!”

Oh, Scottiepoo!  For 10 episodes, you’ve pretty much walked around with your head up your ass . . . ignoring your wolfy responsibilities, while your smarter (Stiles) and hotter stronger (Derek) friends, did your dirty work for you.

Now, all the sudden, the finale is here, and you realize that, if you want to make your character likeable for Season 2, he’s going to have to stop thinking about how to please his weiner all the time, and START kicking ass, and taking names . . .

“Hi, my name is Scott.  What’s yours?” 

In this scene we find Scott and Stiles searching in vain for Scott’s ever-elusive cell phone.  (Dude!  The things been taken from you and/or broken about twelve times since the series began.  It’s time to cut your losses, and invest in an iPhone.  Or better yet, just HOWL.  Trust me, your friends (all two of them) will hear you!

SCOTT:  “Allison?  Are you down here?”

STILES:  “I thought you were looking for your phone?”

SCOTT: “Yeah, but it’s been about 30 seconds since I said the word ‘Allison.’  I’m starting to go through withdrawal symptoms.”

Scott frantically tells Stiles that they have to find and rescue Derek.  In an intriguing reversal of roles, it is now the normally self-sacrificing Stiles who instructs Scott to just let Poor Derek rot away in that hunter warehouse (or should I say were-house).  Stiles reminds Scott that, just last week, Derek seemed pretty intent on killing BOTH Jackson and Scott.  However, I think the REAL reason Stiles doesn’t want Derek rescued, is that he’s jealous because Danny finds “Miguel” more attractive than Stiles of Derek’s hot abs.  (OK . . . no . . . I don’t ACTUALLY think that.  But, whatever . . .)

Source

(That lame joke was just an excuse to use this GIF again . . .Oh, and while we’re at it . . .)

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.

Scott, who is “connected” to Derek, through the whole “Pack Thing,” explains to Stiles that Derek wasn’t REALLY trying to kill anybody.  Rather, he was attempting to protect Scott, and, by extension, Jackson, from both the Hunters, and the Alpha.  Outside, Scott overhears his mother in her car leaving a rather clingy stalkerish message on Alpha’s answering machine.

“Hi Uncle Alpha.  This is Desperation calling.  Please arrange another date with me, or I will be forced to do naughty things with my son’s lacrosse stick.” 

Geez!  Given how creepy and cold the Alpha seemed on the “couple’s” first date, Mommy McCall must be REAL hard up for some loving to want a little Alpha in her!  And, perhaps because she realizes that this, is in fact, the case, she proceeds to burst into tears.

(What .  . . is there a “crying in cars” theme to this week’s episode, about which I am unaware?)

Stiles instructs Scott that he can’t protect ANYONE, because he’s pretty much a selfish turd, who only cares about keeping Allison safe, and can give two figs about anyone else everyone.

“I have to,” says Scott “bravely.”

Is Scott’s new foray into Superhero-dom too little, too late?  Only time will tell . . .

Meanwhile, back in Auntie Kate’s Torture Chamber / Were-house / S&M Pleasure Dome . . .

“Is that your tongue on my stomach, or are you just happy to see me?”

OH Derek, you can ravage me with those, “I want to murder you, in your sleep” eyes ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday!) . . .

The episode’s second big reveal, happens during the S&M Scene between Derek and Kate.  More and more, each week, Auntie Kate seems to prove what a ridiculously evil nutball she actually is . . .  Now we see her holding Derek’s New York drivers license to his face, and telling him to smile more.   (I don’t know, Auntie Kate.  I kind of prefer my Derek mad and pouty, thank you very much!)

By the way, can anyone make out the Birth Year on Derek’s license?  I’m guessing it’s either 86, 88, or 89 . . . 

When Derek remarks that he would very much like to kick Auntie Kate in the face, the wackadoodle somehow interprets this as a COME ON.

All the sudden, Auntie Kate wants to reminisce about all the “Fun Times” she and Derek had together.  “You mean when you burned down my house, and killed my entire family?”  Derek asks angrily.

“I was thinking more of the really hot, and crazy sex we used to have!”  Kate responds.

That’s right, Werebangers!  As many of us suspected, Kate and Derek used to do the DEED together, back in the day.  What we DIDN’T know was that, much like with the Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher, Kate played Derek (who must have been underage at the time) like a fiddle, to get what she wanted from him namely, to have her brains f*&ked out of her :  information as to the whereabouts of the rest of his were family.  So now, not only does Derek feel responsible for his own family’s demise, and the rise of Uncle Alpha.  He’s also suffering from a Broken Heart.  I mean, he actually fell in love with this Crazy B*tch!

(By the way, Vampire Diaries’ fans, does this scenario REMIND you of anybody, in particular?)

“Kiss me, or kill me, Damon.  Which will it be?” 

(Special thanks to East Coast Captain, for this parallel.  Though HE used Stefan and Katherine in HIS example . . .)

Having been given this information, I now feel like I have so much more insight into Derek’s character, and why he is the way he is: i.e. uncommonly broody, unsmiling, not particularly trusting of others, and, perhaps, most importantly, perpetually single, despite looking like THIS . . .

Source

Another aspect of Derek’s character that makes a lot more sense now, is his broken-record insistence that Scott break all ties with Allison.  Contrary to popular belief, he’s not saying those things to be a cockblock!  He simply doesn’t want Scott to make the same mistakes that HE DID, by giving his trust, and his heart to a Were-Hunter, only to eventually have both irretrievably ripped from his chest!

Unfortunately, just as us Werebangers are putting the puzzle pieces together, so is Auntie Kate.  And it is by using the above-reference that KATE finally figures out that the second Beta is not Jackson at all, but, rather Scott.

Uh Oh . . .

Before our brains can fully process all the information we’ve just been given, those PERVS over in the Teen Wolf writing department treat us to the sexiest, raunchiest, and arguably most disturbing example of foreplay, I’ve seen in a while.  I mean, I definitely needed a cold shower after watching this, both to water down my raging hormones, and to wash that dirty feeling off of me.

In the scene, Auntie Kate decides to torture a handcuffed, electroshocked, sweaty and shirtless Derek (who, thankfully, is back in his sexy human form), by licking his stomach, starting in the crotch area, and slowly working her way up to his neck.

Source

Tyler Hoechlin plays the scene brilliantly, as someone who’s overcome with hatred for his torturer, but who can’t help but become aroused by what she’s doing to him, and the memory it undoubtedly evokes in both his psyche and his . . . um . . . yahoo place. 🙂

Derek’s fangs come out, in the werewolf (and vampire form of an erection), as he bucks and grunts, tears filling his eyes, trying to keep his body from having its natural response to being licked.  His face turns down toward the Evil Auntie Kate, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her, with all his might.   The humilation and emasculation he is undoubtedly feeling in this very moment, is far worse than any physical pain Auntie Kate can inflict on Derek.  And, of course, PHYSICAL PAIN is about to become an issue, as well . . .

Once Auntie Kate has had her way with Derek, she sicks Mr. Clean, “The Enforcer” on his ass . . .

Speaking of pain, ever since he and Allison have “broken up,” Creeper Scott has apparently taken to sitting on her roof, and watching her sleep.  Now, if you asked him about this, he’d probably say he’s just “keeping her safe.”  But really, he’s just being icky.  Seeing him there, I also couldn’t help but wonder whether Allison’s Wet Scott Dreams were more based in reality than I had initially thought.

Nevertheless, when Scott dozed off, and fell off the roof, I left my ass off, because dude DESERVED IT, BIG TIME, as far as I was concerned.

Source

I mean, I don’t care how attracted I am to a person, I REALLY don’t want them watching me sleep from my window.  It’s probably not a pretty sight . . .

Also, HOW THE HECK do Allison’s parents NOT KNOW that there’s a DUDE ON THEIR ROOF, EVERY NIGHT?  Hunters FAIL!

“DO IT, for Allison!”

We are treated to yet another locker room scene in this episode . . .

Unfortunately, this time, everyone seems to be wearing a disappointing amount of clothing . . .

During this scene, Coach Cupcake confirms our suspicions that Scott is a Mental Midget, because he’s failing two classes, and doing fairly lousy in all his other ones.  Normally, coaches pad good athletes grades to make sure they don’t flunk out bad grades like Scott’s would spell an end to his lacrosse career.  However, Coach Cupcake has brokered a compromise:  Scott can stay on the team, provided he misses the school dance.  Really?  THAT’S A COMPROMISE?  Sounds like Scott got off kind of easy to me.

“I concur!” 

Of course, to Scott, the idea of not being able to use the school dance as an opportunity to get back inside the Argent pantalones is a fate worse than DEATH!  Worried for Allison’s safety from a hungry vengeance-seeking Alpha, Scott approaches Jackson, and asks HIM to take Allison to the dance in his place.

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Got a bad case of deja vu?”

My first thought, of course, was, Why not just ask Stiles to do it?  After all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT!

 

Source

Well . . . we’ll see why he didn’t, later. 😉

I suspect one of the purposes of this episode was to make Jackson seem as patently unlikeable as possible.  Otherwise, I’m a bit confused by his reaction to this request.  I mean, I get that Jackson was only seducing Allison to get under Scott’s skin.  But, really . . . Jackson is a heterosexual (maybe?) teenage boy, and Allison’s a HOT GIRL, who’s not a total b*tch.  Plus, he genuinely did seem to like her, at least as a friend, during some of the earlier episodes.

And yet, by the way Jackson reacted to Scott’s request, you would think he was asking him to insert a claw down his throat . . . oh wait . . . he already did that. 😉

In fact, Scott actually has to WOLF OUT on Jackson to get him to agree to take Allison to the dance.  Weird . . .

The scene ends with a Bromantic Stiles and Scott moment, in which Stiles eagerly agrees to help the poverty striken Scott somehow find clothing and a ride to a dance he’s not allowed to attend, even though there will be lots of people there who would like to see him dead.  All together now: Maybe Jackson had a point, when he said that these two should screw eachother AWWWW!

Thank you Macy’s, for your SUPER SUBTLE Product Placement . . .

After last week, when Allison not-so-subtly threatened Lydia with her archery skills, and massive weapons arsenal, the stuffy red head decided she better do something to get herself back into Allison’s good graces, after making out with her “ex” boyfriend, and FAST.  Lydia’s solution: buy Allison a dress for the school dance.

Sounds like a pretty good apology, right?  But Allison wants MORE.  She wants Lydia to change her date to the formal from Random Extra Dude to This GUY! (YIPPEE)

It’s interesting that Lydia doesn’t make any mention at all of the fact that Allison is attending the dance with HER ex-boyfriend, who she is clearly not yet over.  I mean, on one hand, her previous actions, put her not really in the place to say anything.  On the other hand, wouldn’t THIS already make them even, without the dress and the date change.  Not that I’m complaining, of course.  As you know, I love me some Liles (Stydia?).

Somehow, Allison finds herself separated from Lydia and Stiles.  So, of course, the minute she’s alone, a leering Uncle Alpha makes his appearance.   (Honestly, this part was kind of lame.  I mean, even if Scott and the rest of the Scooby Gang DIDN’T find Allison, Uncle Alpha REALLY wasn’t going to be able to do her any harm, in this crowded of a place.  Then again, maybe he was just doing this to prove a point.  More on that later . . .)

By the way, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH UNCLE ALPHA’S HAIR? 

Anywhoo, apparently, Uncle Alpha is the Tim Gunn of Teen Wolf, because he had all these random fashion tips for Allison about what dress would best suit her coloring.

“Make it work, Allison!” 

Uncle Alpha can be pretty darn persuasive, when he wants to be (even without wolf pack mind control powers).  And Allison ultimately selects the silver dress the costume department Uncle Alpha chose for her, instead of the darker colored one she had originally chosen.  Oddly enough, Lydia goes with a silvery dress too, which you would think she would avoid at all costs, so as not to look like she had coordinated dresses with Allison, but . . . whatever.

Long story short, Scott sees Uncle Alpha making a move on his girl, and just like he did with his mom before him, Scott stages a distraction, in the form of having her car towed, to get her out of harms way.  Uncle Alpha repeats that he is impressed with Scott’s “dedication to the cause.”  However, he reminds Scottipoo that “he can’t be everywhere all the time.”  As I suggested in an earlier paragraph, I’m pretty sure that Uncle A’s accosting Allison in the mall, was meant more to prove the above point, than to do anything more harmful to her person.

“Go out and get yourself laid, Son!  (At least ONE person in this family should be getting some.)

“Well, at least it’s easy access.” 

Back at the McCall crib, Scott has found himself a natty, ill-shapen ripped up suit to wear to the dance.  Mama McCall (who never offered to buy her son a suit) makes up for this infraction, somewhat, by offering to sew up this ugly one for him.  While she does this, she wonders out loud why Scott didn’t just find another dance partner, after Allison dumped his ass.  (Of course, Mommy McCall has NO idea that Scott isn’t allowed to be attending the dance AT ALL, let alone with a DATE.)

In a scene that was equal parts sweet, nauseating, and WAY TOO LONG for my taste, Mommy encourages Scotty Dearest to tell Allison that he loves her, before it’s too late.  Yes, Mommy McCall, because HIGH SCHOOL is all about finding “The One.”  Drunken flings, and random hook-ups, be DAMNED!  That being said, I very much approved of Mommy McCall telling her son not to be a dumbass.  Truer words were never spoken.

Good Ole, Danny!  (He’s one of the Best Looking Plot Devices I’ve Ever Seen . . .)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . 

Outside in the parking lot, Jackson is in his car, drinking from a flask, because apparently he needs to be wasted to go to a dance with a hottie like Allison.  (Seriously, what the f*&k is wrong with this douchebag?  What the writers are doing with this character is stretching the realms of believeability . . .)  Realizing that Jackson’s going to be about as much fun as root canal, Allison steps out of the car, and smiles broadly, when she sees Scott running across the roof of the school.  And suddenly all the lame, random, plot driven reasons why she dumped him are all is forgiven, between them.  After all, it could be worse, she could be dating JACKSON.

Somebody who WANTS to be dating Jackson very badly is Lydia, who seems more than a bit distracted when the goofy but adorable Stiles, opens the passenger side door of his jeep, allowing her to practically fall out of it.  When Jackson all but ignores Lydia in the parking lot, she is crushed.  Fortunately, sweetheart Stiles is there to tell her how pretty she looks in her Allison look-alike dress . . .

At the dance, an awesome song is playing that I will be downloading onto my iPod, as soon as I finish writing this recap, thank you very much!  It is called “Just a Little Bit,” by Kids of 88, and it’s pretty awesome.

Scott enters the dance, only to find himself cornered by BOTH Coach Cupcake, and Uncle Alpha at the SAME TIME.  (OK, who the f*&k let Uncle Alpha into the dance?  Because that’s the oldest looking 16-year old I’ve ever seen!)

Guess he didn’t like that, huh? 

I  usually make fun of Scott’s idiocy, but I have to say, that his impromptu “dance with Danny,” in order to prevent Coach Cupcake from publicly kicking him out of the dance  (He would have looked like a total homophobe, and probably got sued, or fired, if he did.) was pretty inspired thinking.

“May I cut in?” 

And, of course, once again, Danny gets used and abused as the Gay Plot Device.  Here’s hoping Ole Danny Boy gets some storylines of his own, next season, because he seems pretty cool.  (And so does his hot boyfriend, for that matter. . . )

Dance Until You Die?

Since neither Jackson nor Lydia seem interested in dancing, both Allison and Stiles must engage in a little creative persuasion to get their respective dates onto the dance floor.  My favorite of the two, not surprisingly, was Stiles, who was TOTALLY channeling early Season 1 Seth Cohen, when he told Lydia to “get off her cute little ass and dance with him,” since he “had a crush on her since the third grade,” and “is the only one who knows how truly smart she is.”

As if all that wasn’t adorable enough, Stiles tells Lydia that he suspects she will get  a Nobel Prize for solving some complex Mathematical Equation.  And she corrects him, by noting that she will be getting a Fields Price, not a Nobel.  The two slow dance together, for a while.  And Lydia, actually seems fairly into it, with her head tucked carefully into the crook of the not-so-tall Stiles’ neck.

Unfortunately, Lydia can’t help but notice that Jackson has wandered off.  Stiles senses her concerns and agrees to accompany her, while she searches for him, to make sure he’s OK.

It’s actually kind of sad, because Lydia does TRULY seem to love and care about Jackson.  However, he’s way too shallow, and into himself, to ever genuinely return those feelings.  Once again, Team Liles for Season 2!  (Assuming Lydia makes it there alive.)

While the rest of the gang is outside, doing productive things, Scott and Allison are dancing close together.  He finally admits that he loves her, and, blah, blah, blah lkjfslkjfsldkfjs;lkj . . . that was my head hitting the keyboard, because I just fell asleep typing these last two sentences . . .

Scott tries to talk to Allison about the whole Werewolf & Werehunter / Romewolf & Juliet Thing, but Allison, who is determined to enjoy her last few hours as a “normal teenage girl” (whatever that is), doesn’t really want to hear it . . .

Out in the creepy forest, a drunken Jackson weebles and wobbles (but doesn’t fall down).  In the distance he sees two familiar red orbs, that he assumes are the eyes of the Alpha.

 “I SEE YOU!”

In a truly pathetic moment, Jackson prostrates himself on the ground, begging the Alpha to “Become like [him].”  (By the way, was anybody else hoping he’d get EATEN in this scene?  Because I sure was!)

“BITE ME!” 

Alas, the red orbs didn’t come from a hungry Alpha ready to eat Jackson, they were from the Papa Argent and his hunter’s infrared flashlights.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t give you what you want,” Papa Argent tells a sniveling Jackson.  “But maybe you can help me.”

“You should have seen what a moron you looked like out there.  That was HILARIOUS!” 

Within minutes, Jackson sings like a canary, giving Scott up as the second Beta.  (Of course, Auntie Kate figured this out HOURS ago.  However, apparently she has been keeping her S&M games with Derek a secret from the rest of the Hunters, and they have NO idea, where she is, or what she is up to . . .)

Elsewhere, Lydia rushes to the football field in search of Jackson, but finds Uncle Alpha, and his razor sharp teeth, instead.  Stiles screams for her to run, but it is too late.

She is bitten . . . A LOT, and falls unconscious.

“What are you talking about Stiles?  There’s nobody behind me!” 

“Oops.”

Uncle Alpha promises not to kill her (though from the looks of next week’s promo, he may have already . . . unless she’s been TURNED), provided Stiles inform him where Derek is.  Stiles, honestly, has no clue where Sexy McWolf is hiding.  However, he cleverly reasons, that Derek knew he would be captured at La Casa de Old and Decrepit, which was why he stole Scott’s cell phone.  Since all cell phones have GPS, Uncle Alpha can use this feature to track Derek to the hunters lair, which, of course, is EXACTLY what Auntie Kate wants . . . aside from more Derek lollipop licks, of course.

If This Bus is a Rockin’ . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison have stopped dancing.  And Allison gets the SUPER TACKY idea that Scott should screw her on a school bus . . . nevermind that some dude DIED ON THERE, a few weeks back.  School buses are ROMANTIC!  What with those super comfy green seats, and the omnipresent smell of teenage body odor, intermingled with rotten lunch?  Who wouldn’t want to bone on a school bus?


Anywhoo, Allison rushes onto the bus, and motions for Scott to follow.  But, just when he is about to do so,  Papa Argent and the other hunters come at him, in their cars at full speed from all sides.

“Go Speed Argent, GO!” 

Scott has nowhere to run, and Allison is certain that he will be squished like a bug.

SQUISH

Instead, he jumps on top of the cars, wolfing out right in front of Allison for the first time, just as Papa Argent suspected he would.  Allison looks horrified.

Wolf Scott looks sad.

“To Be Continued” appears on the screen . . .

Oh the humanity of cliffhangers!

Next week’s trailer promises a major death, and a major werewolf transformation.  Personally, I would LOVE to see Lydia turn werewolf.  Because wouldn’t that just TOTALLY dust Jackson’s doilies? 

“Wahhh!  Why couldn’t it be MEEEEEE?”

Also, I REALLY don’t want her to die, because I’m eager to see how her relationship with Stiles plays out in Season 2 . . . 😉

As for major deaths, my money is on either Papa Argent or Auntie Kate.  Jackson is a possibility too, of course, but that might slice the “young cast” down too much for fans’ taste.  And besides, we wouldn’t get to see nearly as much of Danny, if his best friend croaked, now would we?’

(Plus, then we would never be able to answer the burning question of whether he finds Stiles attractive!)

So, now I turn the proverbial microphone over to you, Werebangers!  What did you think of “Formality?”  Was it everything you wanted it to be?  What’s on your wish list for Part II?  And who are  your choices to win the awards for Newest Werewolf and Deadest Cast Member, respectively.  Sound off in the comment section, if you DARE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

36 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

Welcome Football Fans! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Sue Sylvester Shuffle”

Question:  What do Football, Fights, Zombies, Cannon Balls, and Flaming Boobs, have in common? 

If you answered that all of these things were included Glee‘s Post-Superbowl Extravaganza episode, to help the show appeal to male sports fans, you are ABSOLUTELY right! 

Interestingly enough, the change in target audience, did not at all seem to hamper the show’s quality.  In fact, dare I say, making Glee more “Boy Friendly,” may have actually improved it. 

I mean, sure, the episode was certainly not perfect.  It lacked cohesion, and certain scenes seemed to appear completely out of nowhere (I’m looking at YOU, “Bills, Bills, Bills”).  Yet, overall, it was a fun-filled hour, one who’s main theme — about football players risking their popularity to perform in Glee club — seemed to be a gentle, but deliberate, nod to the football fans who were watching.  And the message was clear:  “It’s OK, if you’re enjoying this.”

So, what are we waiting for, let’s get recapping!

Your Boobs are on FIRE (and Your Cannon has Fibromyalgia!)

We open on the Cheerios performing an obnoxiously over-produced, Half-Time show-esque, dance number to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.”  During the number, the girls wore blue hair, as a homage to Katy herself.  They also wore pointed cones on their chests, as a homage to early 90’s Madonna (?).  From the girls’ Boob Cones, shot fiery sparklers (because boys like HOT boobs). 

 Behind the girls, were a few guys doing bike flips off a ramp.  Of course, no one was paying attention to them — no GUYS, anyway — because of the girls and their Flaming Boobs . . .

If Flaming Boobs aren’t exactly your thing, and you weren’t a fan of the opening number, you weren’t alone.  Because Sue Sylvester didn’t like it either, “I’m bored,” she whines into he megaphone, after the song wraps. 

(As if knowing that Sue is talking about them, upon hearing these words, the Flaming Boobs fizzle out, unceremoniously.)

Isn’t Becky a member of the Cheerios?  If so, why wasn’t she in this number?  Does anyone else find this vaguely offensive?

After that, Sue makes a not particularly funny joke that runs on WAY too long.  It involves (1) the benefits of stuffing one’s bra with chicken cutlets;  and (2) having cheerleaders intermittently hit one another in the face with them . . .

Chickens were NOT amused.

Quinn wisely notes that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the dance number.  Rather, Sue herself has simply become completely impossible to please.  And no matter how extravagant the Cheerios numbers become, she will continuously want to top herself.

Sue doesn’t entirely disagree with this statement  But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try and “improve” the Cheerios’ performance, in any way she can  And so, while watching a cartoon featuring someone getting shot out of a cannonball, our “favorite” Cheerleading Coach comes up with an idea . . .

She will shoot one of her Cheerios out of a cannon, during the Cheerleading Championships!  Specifically, THIS Cheerio . . .

“I don’t want to die yet . .  . at least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled next year,” Brittany whines, upon learning that she is the “lucky” human cannonball.

Hmmm . . . Brooke Davis didn’t like something I wrote above . . . Maybe it was those two words I crossed out . . .

Fortunately for Brittany, she gets a brief reprieve from certain death.  This is because Sue is willing to use a Brittany-looking doll for the “trial run.”

To Brittany’s horror, her Poor Unfortunate Doll Doppelganger gets blown to itty bitty bits of Blonde.  Seeing this undoubtedly makes Brittany wish she had chosen a show with a brighter future to measure her lifespan by . . . Two and a Half Men  American Idol one of the 500 different versions of Law and Order, perhaps?

When Sue learns that she will need Brittany’s consent in order to make her explode, the “kindly mentor” secures it by giving Brittany a “We miss you,” card, purportedly written by the cannon, in crayon, no less.  Later, Sue tells a still uncertain Brittany a sob story about how the cannon has two growing baby cannons at home, and one on the way.   (Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.) 

 Eventually, Brittany agrees to literally sign her life away on Sue’s Consent Form.  Of course, she signs using an “X” because she doesn’t know how to spell her name, apparently.  (Sometimes they go a bit too far with the whole “Brittany is dumb” thing.  Don’t you think?)

Jocks versus Gleeks, Take 252

It’s a tale as old as high school:  popular versus unpopular, jocks versus geeks, football players versus gleeks.  But at McKinley High, it’s way worse.  For one thing, half the Glee club is also on either the football team, or on the cheerleading squad.  This makes the school’s social hierarchy . . . confusing . . . to say the least.

“So we are Gleeks . . . and we are Footballers.  Does this mean we have to Slushee ourselves?”

Additionally, Slushees ruin clothing, which is a HUGE problem for the Cheerios and Football players, none of whom seem to own any other clothing aside from their probably VERY smelly uniforms . . . 

Up until this point, however, the McKinley High Football team has been able to limit their Gleeks versus Jocks rivalry to off the field.  However, when a fight erupts between Finn and Karofsky that spreads through the entire football team, causing them to LOSE their game, Coach Beiste knows that serious measures must be taken. 

And so, she turns to her new Kissing Buddy, Will Schuester, for help.

Will’s grand “Plan” involves Beiste requiring the entire football team to be part of Glee club for an entire week.  The non-Gleeky footballers, not surprisingly, balk at the idea.   Azimio for one, refuses to sing showtunes, because they were written by his “oppressors.”  

Realizing that a bit of persuasion will be needed to get the football players on board, Will invites Rachel and Puck to perform Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” for the now doubly large Glee Crew.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Puckleberry duets, and seeing Puck strum that guitar, while crooning softly to ANY song, is enough to make my toes curl.  But, honestly, considering the purpose of this duet was to convince a bunch of football players that Glee Club was cool, a slow romantic country ditty seems a particularly odd musical choice.  I mean, why didn’t they pick a song the football players would understand, like . . . say, “We are the Champions,” or “Eye of the Tiger,” or “We Will Rock You,”  or “Mama Said Knock You Out?”

Given the poor choice in song, I wasn’t too surprised when Azimio snarkily remarked that “The girl in the mohawk has a nice voice,” thereby prompting the entire Glee club and football team to erupt into a knock down dragout fight. 

“Oh, NO you didn’t just make fun of my AWESOME Mohawk?”

One GOOD thing that comes out if this brawl, is the reunion of former besties Puck and Finn, who decide to put aside their differences (and by “differences” I mean their tendency to swap Rachel and Quinn with one another, every other week like trading cards) and unite to promote unity amongst the football team and Glee club.  The bromantic buddies cement their partnership with a solid fist bump, of course.  (How very manly of them!)

Sue Sylvester is SCARY, and so are zombies . . .

It’s a good thing Finn and Puck decided to unite.  Because it looks like they are going to need all the help they can get!  When Principal Figgins balks at Sue’s decision to shoot Brittany out of cannon, she suddenly turns into The Hulk, and inexplicably starts throwing furniture around Mr. Figgins office, and later the gym locker room . . .

Will and the rest of the faculty begin to wonder whether Sue has finally gone off the deep end, for good.  But Sue stops throwing things around long enough to calmly explain to them, that she has moved the date of the cheerleading championships to the same day as the football championships.  This means, not only that the football team has no cheerleaders to perform its halftime show . . .

Shocking, I know . . .

 . . . but that Quinn, Santana and Brittany are once again forced to choose between Glee club and the Cheerios.  (Of course, if they attend the football game, according to Sue, they will be off the squad.)

Will comes up with the idea that the FOOTBALL players, who are honorary Glee club members this week, anyway, will perform their own halftime show, along with the rest of the Glee Club.  Coincidentally, this will NOT be the first time, the McKinley High Football players dance during a game.  Remember the whole “Put A Ring On It,” fiasco during Season 1?

Most of the football team would probably prefer that you forgot this.

What songs will the Gleeks / Footballers be performing THIS TIME you ask?  A Mashup between Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” of course.

Did I mention that the crew will be going to do the entire performance dressed like Football-Playing Zombies?  (Oh yes, because in addition to being able to dance an entire music number, during the ONLY break they will have during a two-hour game, these footballers, are also, apparently, experts at the application of zombie makeup!)

Interestingly enough, this is how I look sometimes when I first wake up in the morning . . .

As for the Cheerios, sadly, Sue Sylvester bullies them into quitting the Glee Club, so that they can attend the cheerleading competition.

This causes Finn to want to lecture the girls about their Bad Life Choices, like the disappointed DAD he is.  It also prompts Quinn’s not-for-long!  beau Sam to rush to the girls’ defense.  In an attempt to stay relevent to this show Macauley Culkin also challenges Finn for the position of “unofficial” Glee Club leader.  Nice try, freshman! 

Honestly, the whole fight is contrived and ridiculously stupid.  But Quinn of course, who realizes the two men are REALLY fighting over her, finds the whole thing to be incredibly HOT . . .

“Now, if you guys would kindly take off your shirts and pants right now, I’d be SOO much happier!”

Pissing contests for Quinn’s affection aside, the footballers and the Gleeks begin to rehearse their half-time number.  And I’ll be darned if they don’t do a pretty great job at it.  Interestingly enough, it’s Gay Homophobic Bully Karofsky who shows the MOST musical talent of the footballers!  So much talent, in fact, that Will suggests that HE join Glee club, for real!

Karofsky is AWE-SOME!”

To most fans surprise, Karofsky doesn’t actually seem to HATE the idea.  He even suggests that the Glee crew start off with a warm-up number, to ensure that the halftime show itself is absolutely perfect.  For the warm-up, the Glee kids choose the song “She’s Not There,” which was appropriately originally sung by a band called The Zombies.

Things take a bad turn, however, when, after performing this number, the FOOTBALL players get slusheed by . . . get this . . . the HOCKEY PLAYERS, who “cleverly” argue that the football team has just been “turned gay,” because they performed a musical number dressed as the undead.  (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “gay” uttered this many times in a single hour, since I watched that movie on Logo last week.)   Of couse, the “gay” accusation totally freaks out the footballers, particularly the ACTUALLY gay, Karofsky . . .

This unfortunate incident prompts the football players to REFUSE to perform at the Halftime show, even though doing so will mean that they can’t participate in the Championship Game.  (LOSERS!)  Suddenly, the football team is at risk of forfeiting the game, due to not having enough players to compete.  Coach Beiste tries to recruit new players from the rest of the school.  However, no one seems interested in crossing the Homophobe Picket Line.

And We Are Singing About “Bills” Now, Because . . .

And it is when we are our darkest hour at McKinley High, that the producers decide to inexplicably cut to Dalton Academy.   There, in the EXACT SAME LOUNGE where we shoot ALL of our Dalton Academy Scenes, as always, Blaine is singing solo, and the rest of silent Warblers, Kurt included, are dancing around him like the faceless, personality-less minions / disciples they are  . . . 

(Oh, Kurt!  I know you want in this guy’s pants.  But you can’t honestly say that his Diva Theatrics don’t piss you off, just the slightest bit?  Especially after he waxed poetic about how everybody was part of a TEAM at this school.  The Kurt I know would NEVER accept this kind of treatment!  No matter how sexy it’s source!)

So, anyway, in typical Warblers fashion, the group dances uncomfortably around Blaine, as he croons Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.”  Not only does the song sound REALLY awkward coming from a bunch of dudes, it also seems completely out of context in this football / zombie-themed episode.  On a positive note, Darren Criss’/ Blaine’s singing is pretty solid, making what would be a pretty annoying song, actually fairly palatable.

But don’t take my word for it.  See for yourself: 

 After their “song practice” Blaine and his loyal puppy dog, Kurt, head out to lunch with new gal pals, Mercedes and Rachel, who, in light of recent events, are MAJORLY depressed about the state of their Glee club, and football team . . .

I was more than a bit worried about Kurt applying for Stepford Hubby status, when he asserted that “We [i.e. Blaine and I] love football.”  However, when he qualified that “Blaine loves football.  I love scarfs”  I felt a bit better.

As it turns out, though, Blaine actually DOES like football! 

“Who knew?”

In fact, Blaine’s vast knowledge of pigskin (no pun intended) actually ends up coming in quite handy, when he informs Rachel of precisely how many football players are needed in order not to forfeit a game.  This gives Rachel an idea.  THE GLEE GIRLS CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!  (Or, rather, they can lie down on the field, while the guys play, so they don’t get disqualified.  How’s THAT for femisist rights!) 

Let’s Hear it for the GIRLS!

Though reluctant at first, the remaining footballers ultimately agree to Rachel’s suggestion . . .

Though the girls initially planned on just LAYING on the field the whole time, a couple of them, actually ended up HELPING the team!  For example, Lauren Zizes, with her WRESTLING background, had sheer force and intimidation on her side, making her a WAY more frightening football player than most of the guys she played alongside . . .

Now THAT is seriously scary!

But it was Tina Cohen Chang who REALLY shocked her teammates, by running nearly half the field, before being very roughly sacked by a member of the opposing team.  Though her beau, Mike, was obviously extremely concerned for her well-being, as she lay on the field unconscious . . .

“Sh*&t!”

 . . . he needn’t have worried.   Because, within just a few moments, Tina was up and mumbling, “Did we win yet?”

Tina was ultimately carried off the field, a True Hero!  (Now that’s some SERIOUS girl power!  I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Glee!)

Tina’s and Lauren’s surprisingly extraordinary footballer skills aside, the team was still losing miserably, just moments before halftime.   And so, temporarily putting Sam in charge of the team, Finn and Puck decide to salvage the rest of the game, by convincing the rest of the football players, as well as cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, to participate in the halftime show.  Finn worked on the cheerleaders, managing to grab them, just moments before they went on the bus toward the competition. 

Speaking quickly, he told the girls mostly stuff they already knew.  Namely, (1) Sue Sylvester doesn’t really care about them, and is typically mean to them;  (2) that she doesn’t care if Brittany DIES; and (3) that the girls are strong enough to withstand the miniscule popularity decrease they might suffer from not being cheerleaders anymore; (4) it’s hightime they wore something other than those stupid uniforms, for a change.  The girls agree because that’s what the plot requires hem to do, and jointly tell Sue that they are quitting the Cheerios. 

 “You are all my stars!  If you leave, I will have no performance,” Sue notes, admitting for the first time just how important these girls are to her success.

“Sucks for you,” snaps back Quinn, as the trio follows Finn back toward the football field.

Predictability aside, it was great scene.  And, I’m not going to lie.  Watching it, made me do something like THIS . . .

Karofsky For the WIN!  (well . . . almost)

As for Puck, he had NEARLY as much luck with the football players, ultimately getting all of them, except for Karofsky, to suit up and participate in the halftime show, which TOTALLY rocked, by the way . . .

The performance was SO rousing in fact, that Karofsky eventually sucked up his pride, and joined in mid-song.  He didn’t have any zombie makeup on of course, but it was still pretty awesome.

You can LISTEN to the song here:

After Beiste gives the rest of the football team the OK to compete, they go on to WIN THE GAME . . .

 .  . . but only because the team’s SCARY zombie makeup, and creepy repetitive chanting of “BRRAAAAAIIIINS,” freaks the crap out of the opposing team.  Nothing like playing FAIR, right?

Of course, my favorite part of all of it, had to be when one of the kids on the other team started screaming, “He bit me!  That zombie kid bit me!”  (Now THAT was hilarious!)

Lest you think Karofsky’s about to run out and join the Glee team, after that one rousing performance . . . think again!

“Why would I want to change?  I’m on top now,” asserts Karofsky, when Finn gives him his formal Gleek invitation (provided he head over to Dalton and personally apologize to Kurt, first, of course). 

Note: A  lot of fans were annoyed by this.  But I personally thought it was the right move, on the part of the writers.  For Karofsky to morph from Evil Homophobic Bully to Proud Glee Club star, in a single episode, would be completely unrealistic, in my opinion.  Not to mention, I doubt the rest of the Glee Club would accept him into their circle so easily, after what he did to Kurt — nor SHOULD THEY! 

The mere thought of it makes me weepy . . .

That being said, I do think the Karofsky character is on the path toward redemption.  And I’m very eager to see where his arc goes.  Right now, Karofsky is probably one of the most complex characters on this show.

Finn may not have had that much luck with Karofsky, but he did WAY better with Quinn, who, despite dating Macauley Culkin’s twin Sam for the past few episodes, spent the entire hour eye f*&king Finn.  She then concluded the episod,  by planting a fat wet one on his lips, right in the center of the school hallway . . .

Whatever Finn’s feelings for the recently dumped Rachel might be, you could tell that our resident Alpha Male was TRULY effected by Quinn’s kiss.  Note how the Smitten Boy kept his eyes closed for a full three seconds after she tongued him, as if not wanting his Wet Dream to end!  Now, whatever your couple loyalties are on this show, you have to admit, it was kind of adorable . . .

And given that this coming Tuesday is the show’s Valentine’s Day episode, we can be sure that this won’t be the last we will hear about that game-changing kiss.

Awww, don’t feel left out, Puck!  I’ll totally make out with YOU!

And that was Glee’s Super Bowl Spectacular.  Did you watch?  If so, what did you think?  Did you find the placement of “Bills, Bills, Bills” as awkward an unnecessary as I did?  Are you a fan of this sort-of new and improved Karofsky?  Are you on Team Fuinn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!

[www.juliekushner.com]

12 Comments

Filed under Glee

Welcome Back, Grey’s! (AND DOCTOR YANG!) – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Disarm”

The Dark and Twisty Sisters with Scalpels — Reunited, and it feels SO GOOD!

Welcome back, my fellow Greysies!  Man, I missed you!  I missed THIS SHOW!  I missed all the sexy . . . and all the SEX . . . and all the nakedness . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

I missed all the snappy one liners . . . and the tears I inevitably shed, during EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. 

Note:  That is not ME, crying . . . just in case you got confused there.

But most of all, I missed MY CRISTINA YANG!  The real one . . . not the troubled zombie-esque doppelganger with whom we have spent the first half of the season.  Well, let me tell you something . . . CRISTINA’S BACK, BABY!

You all know who we have to thank for that, right?

Nope.

Guess again!

“You’re welcome.”

(Man, if we knew all it would take to snap Cristina out of her funk, was having her holding a smelly fish for ten seconds, we would have given her one a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago!)

But I’m getting off track . . . So, let’s get on with the recap, OK?

Three Sex Scenes for the Price of ONE!

Say what you want about the Grey’s writers.  But they SURE do know their audience!  After a month of Grey’s sex withdrawal, our pals at Seattle Grace rewarded our patience, with not one, not two, but THREE sex scenes, within the first TWO MINUTES of the episode!  How’s THAT for ambitious?  I mean, I’ve seen pornos with less action than that . . .

“Oh, Mr. Pizza Delivery Man!  Your MEATBALLS are the biggest in town!”

And we aren’t talking plain old vanilla sex, either.  Take our first couple, Meredith and Derek, for instance.  They start the episode fighting over Cristina’s “healing process.”  But just when it looks like Derek might win the fight, Meredith goes in for a sucker punch.  “I’m ovulating,” she tells him. 

“Ugggggghhhhh,” replies Derek, rolling his eyes like a petulant teen, as he reluctantly takes off his boxers under the blankets.  (You would think his wife just asked him to clean the toilet, or something!)

Given his SUPER enthusiastic response, Meredith is faced with the near impossible challenge of pretending she DOESN’T want to have sex with PATRICK DEMPSEY, in order to preserve her dignity!  “I can’t even look at you, right now,” Meredith fibs.

“Fine!  Then turn over,” retorts Derek.

And under the covers they both go . . .

“Who has two hands, and just had Doggy Style Sex on prime time television.  THIS GIRL!”

Unfortunately, due to those pesky censors, ABC wasn’t able to show us the actual MerDer sex footage.  BUT I CAN!  Wanna see?

Our second sex scene belonged to a decidedly FORWARD FACING Owen and Cristina.  (I posted their “money shots” above, for your viewing pleasure.)  Unlike Meredith and Derek, Owen and Cristina didn’t screw like dogs . . . more like bunnies . . .

Apparently, holding a fish for ten seconds, not only cures PTSD and depression, it also does wonders for your SEX LIFE!   Cristina is just basking in the glow of fish sex with Owen — so much so that she decides to spend the day sightseeing!  Owen would love to come (See what I did there?).  However, he has a JOB to do, and a faux wedding to witness (more on that later) . . .

We cut to Sloan and Lexie doing it.  Like the two couples before them, they exchanged some cuddles and post-coital talk, after doing the deed.  But honestly, I can’t remember a word of what they said, as I was completely mesmerized by Eric Dane’s massive arm muscles, at the time . . .

But you know who WASN’T having sex?  Callie!

Nope . . . not even THAT kind of sex . . .

If you recall, at the end of the last episode, Arizona returned to the U.S. to be with Callie.  And a VERY PISSED OFF Callie slammed the door in her face.  So, you can imagine Callie’s surprise, when she stomped out of her apartment the following morning to find Arizona STILL THERE!  Apparently, girlfriend woke up early, got some coffee, and resumed her vigil outside Callie’s home.  “Go back to Malawi,” Callie tells the former love of her life coldly, as she walks right past her.

“Ummm . . . OK . . . but can you let me in your apartment first?  That frappuccino made me really have to pee.”

In other, “not getting laid” news, Teddy was awkwardly waiting at court to marry her new Husband for Medical Insurance Purposes, Noel from Felcity.  (I’m sure he has another name on this show.  I just refuse to acknowledge it, because he will forever be NOEL to me . . .)

“So . . . Noel . . . do you like scary movies?”

Owen arrives as the necessary Wedding Witness. (This made me feel kind of sad for Noel, who apparently had no friends to ask, which is strange, because I know Felicity totally would have come!)  After he chastizes Teddy a bit about the obvious dangers of marrying the killer from Scream 3, Owen reluctantly does his part in the impromptu ceremony.  Far from your typical bridezilla, a harried Teddy rushes the officiant to hurry up the wedding proceedings, so she can go to work.

“Can you tell me how to get to the Space Needle,  Mini McDreamy?”

While her husband is busy witnessing a sham wedding, Cristina heads off to sight see.  She finds this super hot bike rider — who looks like a clone of  how Patrick Dempsey probably looked about ten years ago — and asks him for directions to the Space Needle.  “First time in Seattle, eh?”  He flirts.

(It’s OK, Cristina.  I’ve lived right outside New York City all my life, and NEVER been inside the Empire State Building.  Landmarks are for tourists, DAMMIT!)

“Ummm . . . OK,” Cristina deadpans, knowing full well, that if this was a romantic comedy, she would have immediately started babbling on about her whole traumatic experience to this stranger.  (They then would have undoubtedly fallen in love.  And then, at the end of the movie, he would have proposed to her . . . at the top of the Space Needle, of course!)

Sleepless in Seattle Grace — Coming soon to a theater near you!

Mini McDreamy kindly directs Cristina to the Space Needle.  However, when a series of ambulences pass by the pair, sirens wailing, she follows them instead.  Poor Mini Mac watches her go, dumbfounded, because he has clearly stepped onto the wrong show . . .

As it turns out, there was a massive shooting at a local college.  Cristina comes on the scene, just as one of the injured is taken into an ambulance.  “You need to crack his chest,” she yells instinctively at the EMT’s hovering over the stretcher . . .

“You’ve been replaced.”

Back at the hospital, Arizona Robbins is officially having the WORST DAY EVER!  For one thing, she’s majorly jetlagged.  For another, her girlfriend won’t take her back.  Callie never even let her PEE at the apartment.   Then Chief Webber tells her she can’t have her old job back, because that Super Douche Dr. Stark has replaced her as Head of Pediatrics.  But in a few moments, both Arizona and Dr. Webber will have much more important things to worry about than Arizona’s relationship and employment status . . .

Deja Vu . . .

In the lobby of the hospital, we find the entire Seattle Grace staff huddled around a television, sobbing.  News has just broken about the campus shooting at the local college.  An indeterminate number of students and faculty have been injured, and they are headed to Seattle Grace for treatment. 

Like a general preparing his troops for battle, Chief Webber delivers a solemn and inspirational speech to his tearful and highly emotional staff, as they await the arrival of the ambulances.  His speech was so touching and powerful, it brought tears to my eyes, when I heard it during the episode promo.  It brought tears to them again, during the episode itself.  And it made me cry a third time, when I rewatched the promo to get them all down on paper to use in this recap. 

Here’s what he said:  “We are going to have feelings today, and there is no shame in that.  What we went through six months ago, is what they are going through right now, which makes them our brothers and sisters.”

As the ambulences arrive, we are introduced, one-by-one, to the patients that will be the focus of the episode.  The first is a 15-year old certified genius, who has been shot in the stomach and leg.  The second is a professor, who has fallen from a four-story window, while trying to help his students escape. 

The third is a policeman who disarmed the shooter, but was shot himself, in the process.  In the ambulence with that victim was the police chief who royally effed up the handling of the Seattle Grace shooting, six months prior.  (Remember, how many times those Keystone cops of his had that nutjob in their sights, and let him get AWAY?)

Police Chief FAIL!

But, in all seriousness, it was hard to hate on the Police Chief, when he seemed so genuinely concerned as to the well-being of the younger cop.  In addition to his obviously having a fatherly type relationship with this policeman, the Police Chief has other reasons for wanting his employee to survive this accident.  Apparently, this patient is the only one who will actually be able to identify the Shooter . . .

And yet, it’s the inhabitants of the  fourth ambulence, that really cause all the fans mouths to drop open . . .

Remember that guy who Cristina witnessed being carried into the ambulence, during the first few moments of the episode?  Well, as it turns out, she didn’t just TELL the EMTs to crack his chest.  She did it for them! 

Since Cristina’s hands are inside the patient’s body cavity, Teddy, who will be the lead attending on the surgery, allows her former protege to participate in the operation.  But just in case Doppelganger Zombie Cristina rears her ugly head again, Teddy wisely requests that Dr. Avery scrub in as well . . .

“All State, BABY!”

The mood of the episode, lightens just a bit, as we are taken inside another OR, where Douchebag Stark and Karev are operating on the 15-year old prodigy.  Psycho Stark seems absolutely intent on sawing off the poor teen’s leg!  He claims this is because she has other life threatening injuries.  This is despite the fact that the other unnamed doctor on the scene, informs Stark that these other injuries are under control . . .

Ummm .  . . Dr. Giggles?  Just because you are operating on a minor, doesn’t mean you should treat surgery like a game of Operation . . .

“But the game told me to remove the LEG BONE!  If I don’t remove it, I’LL LOSE!”

Karev knows there is a way to save the girl’s leg, without causing her any additional medical harm; and he tells Stark as much.  But Dr. Giggles blows him off.  Fortunately, Arizona is watching the event from the cheap seats, and sides with Karev.  An affronted Dr. Giggles pouts, and calls Arizona unprofessional, telling her she no longer has any authority at this hospital.  “Body block him, Karev,” shouts Arizona, as she dashes off to get scrub-in approval. 

Source

As Karev continues his standoff with the squirrelly Dr. Giggles, Arizona commandeers Callie to help with the surgery . .  .

When Callie hears Karev’s side of the story, she immediately kicks Dr. Giggles out of the OR, and takes over.  “In this hospital, we take shootings, very personally,” explains Callie. 

Once Giggles is gone, Callie sends a triumphant Karev to help other patients in need.  “Yesssss, that’s cool!  My work here is done.  ALL STATE, BABY!”  He shouts, pumping his fist, as he struts out of the OR, in true Alpha Male Frat Boy Fashion.  (LOVE HIM!)

Meanwhile Sniveling Dr. Giggles whines to Dr. Webber about being kicked out of his OWN OR . . .

But Webber (who was TOTALLY my hero this week, by the way), absolutely OWNED the bastard, by shutting him up for good, with THIS gem of a line, “Go be a DOCTOR!  People are DYING!  GO SAVE A LIFE, NOWWWW!”

Back in the OR, Arizona was taking advantage of her Captive Audience Surgical Moment with Callie, to grovel her way back into Callie’s Pretty Pink Pantalones.  Callie DEFINITELY wasn’t having it . . .  But you know what she WAS having?  REALLY HUGE HOOP EARRINGS . . .

OK . . . maybe I was exaggerating their size just a bit.  But was I the only one bothered by this?  I mean, I know how often I lose MY hoop earrings!  So, if my body is lying on an operating table, chopped in HALF, I sure as heck don’t want my doctor wearing those, while she’s sewing me back up.  The only hoops I want in my body cavity are the ones that were there to begin with!  Just sayin’ . . .

Anyway, Callie and Arizona ended up saving the prodigy’s leg.  Their relationship?  Not so much . . . When Arizona tells Callie that she “loves her” and “crossed the whole world to be with her,” Callie retorts with, “There are two of us in this relationship . . . you came back, but I didn’t.” 

It was harsh moment for the pair, but one bursting with truth and revelations from both parties.   To be honest, I’m not quite sure who’s side I’m on here.  I sort of feel bad for both of them.  Am I the only one?

“I was the wife in that waiting room.”

Speaking of surgical relationship squabbles, Meredith and Derek were having one of their own, as they performed brain surgery on the professor who fell from the four-story window.  Meredith kept excusing herself to update the patient’s wife on his progress. 

 This deeply annoyed Derek, who saw the repeated interruptions as an unnecessary hinderance to the surgical procedure.  “Since when are you more interested in updating the wife in the waiting room, than doing this?”  Derek inquires coldly.

“Since I was the wife in the waiting room!”  Meredith exclaims.  “You and Cristina are so busy supporting eachother.  Have you even noticed that I went through a trauma too?”

Meredith reminds Derek that being “the wife in the waiting room,” was so traumatic to her, six months ago that she came into the OR, and asked that The Shooter take her life instead of Derek’s.  Meredith’s speech touches Derek at his core.   Finally, he understands the extent of what his wife has endured.  Derek is so overwhelmed with emotion, that he must take a moment to collect his thoughts, before continuing on with the surgery.

Outside in the lobby, Meredith leads the Professor’s wife and other patient’s family members to the center of the hospital (where the Seattle Grace Shooting took place, by the way).  From there, the family members can see the hospital parking lot, where thousands of college students are standing together holding candles, and singing their school’s alma mater.  (Oh yeah . . . this scene made me cry too . . .just in case there was any doubt.)

Though it was not without its complications, the professor’s surgery is a success.  So elated is the Professor’s Wife with this news that she gives Derek a big hug!  Later, Derek embraces Meredith, in a sweet apology, for his douchiness to her throughout the episode.  “You’ve been holding everyone up all along.  You amaze me,” he whispers in her ear.

Derek has some additional good news for Meredith.   Cristina is PERFORMING SURGERY AGAIN!

Getting Closure . . .

Although Cristina’s story of catharsis and healing was undoubtedly the most significant of the episode, it was far from the only one.  Other characters were also able to obtain peace and closure, as a result of this second tragic, but ultimately triumphant event.  For Bailey, this came from her being able to save a young man named Chuck from dying of a wound that was startlingly similar to the one Charles Percy suffered during the Seattle Grace shooting . . .

So, overwhelmed with emotion is Bailey, by the obvious similarities between the two patients and their conditions, that she repeatedly calls this new patient “Charles” instead of “Chuck.”  Charles Percy may have died, but Chuck will hopefully lead a long life, thanks to Bailey’s strength and perseverence . . .

April . . .

. . . who was undoubtedly still experiencing some feelings of guilt over the way she froze — and was generally unable to act — during the Seattle Grace Shooting, was given the opportunity to take charge of this situation.  When all the ORs in the hospital were booked, Owen assigned April to run an improptu trauma center in the hospital.  Because we ALL remember how kick ass she was in trauma training, right?

Well, apparently, she kicks ass at it in real life too, as she showed us this week!  This just proves, once again that April Kepner is TOTALLY the New George O’Malley, both in terms of social awkwardness, and trauma prowess . . .

R.I.P. O’Malley!

During the Seattle Grace Shooting, Lexie and Sloan operated on a very wounded Alex, using only the bare minimum of surgical tools that were available to them.  When faced with virtually the same situation once again, Mark made sure to allow Lexie to do the surgical cutting, so that she could prove to herself that she was capable of doing so a second time.  Toward the end of the episode, a grateful Lexie tells Mark she loves him.  He’s obviously thrilled!

I predict MANY more hours of bunny sex in this couple’s future . . .

“Your Patient is the Shooter.”

When the policeman finally awakens, and offers a description of the shooter, we learn, much to our chagrin, that it is the patient on which Teddy, Yang, and Avery are currently operating.  Floored by the notion that the three of them will be “wasting” an excessive amount of hospital resources — which could be used on other patients– to save the life of the person who caused all the casualties, in the first place, Avery storms out of the OR . . .  (He does that A LOT, doesn’t he?)

Teddy thanks Cristina for staying to complete the surgery.  “I know it can’t have been an easy decision,” says the Cardio God. 

“You know what, though?  It was,” explains Cristina thoughtfully!

(Can I just reiterate how ELATED I am that our girl is back?)

As for Avery, he somewhat softens his position on whether the hospital should expend resources on saving the shooter’s life, when he hears Alex talk of his schizophrenic brother trying to shoot his sister.  “If he got hurt doing it, I’d want the doctors to do everything they could to save his life.  No matter what, he’s still my brother,” Alex explains.

I know he’s a MAJOR ass, sometimes, but I’m still in love with Alex Karev . . .

Avery takes Alex’s words to heart, when he comforts the mother of the Shooter, by gently explaining to her that her son is still alive, and all efforts are being taken to save him . . .

I know he’s a MAJOR ass sometimes, but I’m still in love with Jackson Avery too!  (Notice a pattern here?)

As the rest of the staff wrap up their surgeries, the doctors come to watch Cristina and Teddy finish operating on the Shooter . . .

As they watch, Webber explains to them, that of the 26 patients that were brought to the hospital, as a result of this second shooting, there were NO casualties.  Upon hearing this, the whole staff immediately erupts into tears that are a mixture of happiness for the triumphs of the day, and despair for the losses of six months prior.  Shortly thereafter, they all start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, in order to obtain a much needed cathartic emotional release after an unbearably stressful.  Dr. Stark, however, is NOT amused . . .

“I HATE THIS PLACE,”  he whines, storming out as the rest of the staff continues to chuckle at his expense. 

The “fun” continues, when Dr. Webber tells Arizona that he was lying to her before.  She CAN come back to Seattle Grace .  . . provided she works under Dr. Stark.  The look on Arizona’s face when he gives her the news is PRICELESS!

“Webber say WHAT?”

After the final surgery of the day, an exhausted Teddy reluctantly heads to Joe’s Bar (which is the only bar in Seattle, apparently), to fill out medical insurance paper work with her new husband, Noel Crane . . .

But Noel, ever the charmer, convinces her to share a celebratory drink with him first.  “You saved MY life today,” he explains sweetly, “and that deserves a toast.”

(OK . . . so I’m going to give these two three episodes tops, before they are doing the horizontal mambo together.  Anyone care to wager with me?)

But the best scene of all came at the very end of the episode, when best friends Cristina and Meredith — both clad in scrubs (as they SHOULD BE!) — reunited, after taking a LONG and very PAINFUL break from one another.

“Wanna get a drink?”  Cristina asks congenially, as if no time or recriminations have passed between them at all.”

“Yeah . . . but not a real drink, since I’m trying to get pregnant.  And I read that drinking when your pregnant results in your baby having three heads, and sixteen toes,” replies Meredith conversationally.

“How about some crack cocaine then?”  Cristina retorts, as the pair walk off into the night together, and the screen fades to black. 

Yep . . . Meredith and Cristina . . . still dark and twisty after all these years . . .

Well, that’s all she wrote, Greysies!  Be sure to tune in next week, to watch Bailey get some LONG OVERDUE sex action from THIS GUY!

Is it Thursday yet?

[www.juliekushner.com]

6 Comments

Filed under Grey's Anatomy

Creepy Boys and Their Creepy Toys – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Premiere “Moments Later”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Tonight, Pretty Little Liars  kicked off the second half of its first season, with some genuinely shocking plot twists, an “outing,” a surprise wedding, and enough new suspects to fill Hanna’s perpetually too crowded hospital room.  (Seriously!  Talk about LAX SECURITY!  I half expected Deputy Douchey — who was strangely absent this week —  to peek out from under Hanna’s bed, wearing nothing but a towel, and that smug expression that comes from being the WORST DETECTIVE ON THE PLANET.)

“Hey Hanna, I know YOU were really driving the car that ran you over!  Don’t lie to me!”

And as for who “A” is . . . well, I don’t know about you, but my money is on that Creepy Teddy Bear the camera kept randomly focusing in on, at completely awkward moments.

That silly Chucky doll’s got nothing on Teddy Bear Bundy!

But, before I get started on the proper recap, can I just get one thing out of the way?

Mean Girls 2:  Electric Boogaloo?  What . . . the . . . hell?  I thought they ran these b*tches over with a bus, at the end of the first movie?

OK . . . I feel better now.  On to the recap . . .

Scenes from a Car Crash . . .

“Sheesh!  Having your daughter get run over by a car requires a whole lot of emotion!  It kind of makes me wish I eased up on all those Merry Christmas Botox treatments.  Do I look upset?  Because I’m going for an ‘upset’ look, here . . .”

It’s super appropriate that the mid-season premiere episode of Pretty Little Liars was entitled “Moments Later,” because it literally began just moments after the summer season finale left off.  (And yet, during those “moments,” all the male characters seem to have completely grown out their hair.   Weird . . .)

(That’s Seth Cohen, in case you were curious . . .)

Hanna has just been run over by a car at Mona’s lame party, to which Hanna was not invited (Worst punishment for party crashing EVER!).

She is being taken away by an ambulence, having been knocked unconscious, and rendered completely immobile . . .

Aria glances at all the shocked onlookers, and spies Bushy Eyebrows Noel.

(who’s hair has been cut, and who’s eyebrows are slightly less bushy than before)

However, her loverboy Fitzy (who she was majorly macking with in the car, just seconds earlier) is seemingly no where to be found . . .

“Sayonara SUCKAS!”

Meanwhile, Hanna’s formerly cash-strapped Mommy Dearest is guiltily driving back home, after stealing a whole wad of cash that was conveniently left in a bank safe deposit box where she works, by a little old lady.  When the cops stop her, she fears the jig is up.  She’ll be locked up FOR LIFE!  And those orange jumpsuits are going to clash with her haircolor, something FIERCE!

But no . . . the cops simply want to warn her about that whole pesky “your daughter has been in a near fatal accident” thing .  . .

“PHEW . . . oops . . . I mean . . . OH NO, I sure hope my daughter is OK! (Was that convincing?)”

Studying Hanna’s Anatomy

By the end of the first commercial break, all of our Pretty Little Liars arrive at the hospital, having come directly from the scene of the crime.  They are all chatting on their cell phones in hushed tones, presumably telling their parents what happened.  As it turns out, Hanna got pretty darn banged up in the car accident, with a broken leg and ankle, bruised ribs and a ruptured spleen.

“Hope Mama’s got some REALLLLL good health insurance!”

Oddly enough, Hanna’s future boyfriend, the always adorable Super Seth Cohen-y, Lucas seems to have arrived at the hospital first.  It’s a bit odd that no one really thought to have asked him how he found out about the accident so fast, considering, he was most certainly not at Mona’s lame party . . .  (He hates that Evil Biatch!)

(I really do hate to suspect sweet Lucas for any of the crimes committed against our girls on this show.  But you have to admit, he was acting a bit strange this week . . .   And there’s still the issue of his having “dirty shoes,” the day after Ali’s Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain was destroyed in the park, this past summer . . .)

Dirty feet = a dirty mind?

The other girls worry for all of two minutes over whether Hanna will be safe in the hospital alone over night.  (You know .  . . because someone, like, tried to kill her, and stuff.)  However, ultimately, they decide to leave her there, in order to further their own respective plotlines get some rest. 

If you thought Lucas was acting weird this week, he had NOTHING on Spencer’s b*tchy older sister, Melissa, and her freakish old / new boyfriend, Ian, who — we know from flashbacks — apparently had a real THANG for under age teens and pedophillic sex tapes, back in the day.  (So far, we have been led to believe that Ian was the last guy to see Ali alive.  He also once made out with Spencer, as most of Melissa’s boyfriends tend to do.)

Come BACK, Wren!  COME BACK!

Was I the only one who found the whole exchange between Spencer and her sister weird?  There was just something about Torrey Devitto (the actress who play’s Melissa)’s line delivery.  It kind of sounded like she already knew what had happened to Hanna, but was pretending to be all shocked and concerned, for Spencer’s sake.  And then, as if right on cue, the shirtless Adonis, Ian pops in . . .

(If you recall from the previous episode, Ian and Melissa had just had their “first date,” after a long breakup, during which Melissa had met and become engaged to HOT WREN.)  Notice how when Ian inquires, “How is she?” Melissa responds only as to Spencer’s well being, not even thinking about Hanna’s.  Is the faux pas merely evidence of natural sisterly concern?  Or something more . . .

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time THIS actress played a bat-sh*t crazy killer . . .

Believe it or not, it is Ian that corrects Melissa, by inquiring specifically as to Hanna’s well being.  And yet, how did Ian know Hanna was hurt, if HE had supposedly been screwing Melissa the entire evening, and SHE claimed not to have even been aware that the accident occurred, until Spencer told her about it?  VERRRRRRRRRRY Interesting!

“Paging, Dr. McDreamy . . .”

Meanwhile, Aria and Professor Fitzy Ezra are getting their flirt on, and worrying a bit over the incredibly lame cryptic message drawn in dew on the back window of Ezra’s car the night of Mona’s party (back when the couple was screwing like bunny rabbits, in the front seat)

You GO, Aria and Ezra!

(Now, I’m certainly no scientist.  So, maybe someone who is can help me out here.   Is “dewy mirror finger painting” really THAT visible, on a sunny day, HOURS after it was written?  Because the hearts and happy faces, I used to “draw” on car windows, backwhen I was a kid, almost always faded to dull indecipherable scratch marks, within 10 minutes of my making them. 😦   Just saying . . .)

Anyway, Ezra . . . the only member of this couple who is old enough to have actually seen I Know What You Did Last Summer . . .

. . . becomes immediately convinced that the message is a threat from someone who saw Fitzy macking on his underage student at the party.  “It says ‘I See You,’ not ‘Wash Me,’ not ‘Go Sharks’ . . . It’s very specific,” snarks Fitzy. (Haha, “WASH ME”  Oh, that Fitzy!  He’s such a little joker!) 

Aria, on the other hand, is confident that the message is nothing but some kid’s idea of a silly prank . . . at least, until she speaks to Hanna, later that day.

Sometime in the afternoon, Hanna’s mom texts the girls to tell them to come play with her daughter at the hospital.  So “cool” is Mama Marin, that she even signs the text with her first name “Ashley” as opposed to “Hanna’s mom,” which is how most PLL fans probably know her, anyway.  I swear, after that scene where Emily got the text message, I spent about 2 minutes saying, “Who the heck is Ashley?”  (Then again, this is coming from a girl who has always called ALL of her friends’ moms by Mrs. [Insert Last Name], and STILL DO.)

“Some girl named ‘Ashley’ just texted us, and said you needed company.  We thought it was another SUPER SCARY message from ‘A,’ until we remembered that’s actually your mom’s name.”

As soon as the girls are alone, Hanna makes an announcement so triumphant, that I swear I heard someone banging piano keys dramatically in the background, while she spoke *DUN . . . DUN . . . DUNNNNN*  “BUSHY EYEBROWS NOEL KAHN is ‘A.'”

YIPPEE!  I just went from being the lamer part of a love triangle to being a REAL murder suspect!  I’M OFFICIALLY AWESOME!”

What’s Hanna’s PROOF, you ask?  Well . . . she saw Noel writing on Fitzy’s CAR!  (See what the writers did there?)  This revelation, of course, forces Aria to admit to the rest of her pals that she’s boning the English teacher.  All the girls pretend to be aghast by this, but you know they are all secretly turned on (well . . . maybe not . . . Emily ;)).  “Part of me thinks it’s self-destructive behavior, but most of me just thinks it’s really hot,” admits Spencer later . . .

Spencer just got about ten times cooler, in my estimation, for saying that hilarious line.  It almost makes me want to forgive her for dumping Wren for that Alex kid . . . almost.

Aria still doesn’t think Noel is “A” (or Ali’s killer for that matter).  He may have bushy eyebrows, and be the most possessive non-boyfriend on the planet, but he’s not a murderer, she argues.  And yet, the suspect count is dwindling, at least as far as the girls are concerned.  Creepy Toby was tucked safely away in jail, on the night in question . . .

And Slutty Ian was porking Spencer’s sister (or, at least, that’s what Spencer thinks). 

So, of course, Noel has to arrive at EXACTLY this moment, carrying the LARGEST Hospital Gift Basket I have EVER SEEN.  Geez!  For someone who claims to luuuuuuve Aria, this guy sure likes to buy stuff for Hanna!  Suffice it to say that I’ve purchased those gift baskets before.  And they are NOT CHEAP!  (I just wish I had a picture of this monstrosity to post here.  For one thing, I’m really curious as to whether it was Noel or Lucas who brought Hanna the EEEEEEEVILLL Teddy Bear.)

I’ve read that Noel is supposed to be viewed as a viable lovematch for Aria.  And he’s certainly pretty enough to be one.  But, honestly, I’m having trouble being anything but creeped out by the guy.   Observe the way he comes stalking into Hanna’s room unannounced, bearing extravagant gifts, his saucer-like eyes nearly bugging out of his head.  Aria doesn’t let him inside, fibbing that Hanna just fell asleep.  Then, when Aria asks Noel about his whereabouts the night of the party, he lies through his teeth, telling her he wasn’t there. 

When Aria doesn’t call Noel back, like he asks her to at the hospital, he seeks her out in an empty classroom.  It is there that she finally calls him out on his “Car Art.”  Noel then gets WAY TOO defensive, considering he’s only dated Aria once.  He immediately assumes Ezra has been pressuring Aria into sex, and seems completely intent on pummeling the lanky English teacher like a deflated punching bag.  When Aria, more or less, admits that their relationship is a mutual one, Noel refuses to believe it.  And starts STALKING Professor Fitzy in the dark, as a result .  . . SPOOKY!