Tag Archives: Episode 12

ONCE UPON A TIME: Boys Behaving Badly

“I know there’s a porta-potty around here somewhere!”

[Cross published at Agony Booth.com]

This week on Once, the writers bastardize Beowulf (which, in their defense, couldn’t be made much worse than it already was). Also this week, Rumple tries twice to prevent his kids from becoming assholes like him, and is sort of / kind of successful, but only based on technicalities? In other news, Alt-World Robin Hood thinks Regina is a stage-five clinger. And the marriage proposal we’ve all been waiting for finally happens . . . but with a slight (kind of crappy) catch.

Stop Ogre-Compensating, Dad!

“Beowulf: Making high school kids miserable in their English classes since 975 A.D.”

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve had the misfortune of reading Beowulf (my apologies to the anonymous dude who wrote it back in 975). But if I recall correctly, Beowulf was a hero who killed two monsters, Grendel and Grendel’s mommy (the one played by Angelina Jolie in the movie), eventually became king, and then died fighting a dragon. (OK, so I may have “refreshed my memory” on the plot with Wikipedia. Sue me!)

 

In the Once flashback version, Beowulf is a major douchebag loser, who lets Rumple defeat the ogres for him, using a specialized Ogre Murdering Sword (because Ogre Murdering Swords were totally the Swiss Army knives of the 900s, everyone had them, but few knew how to press the right buttons to get them to work correctly). Then, the “hero” Beowulf gets jealous of Rumple, because he was too wimpy to kill the ogres himself. So, Beowulf turns the town against Rumple, by saying that Rumple was only able to defeat the ogres because he’s EEEE-VIL. The townspeople believe this naturally, because Rumple wears too many sparkles on his face. And everyone knows you can’t trust a man with face sparkles. (My apologies to Edward Cullen from Twilight.)

What’s worse, according to Once, Beowulf MADE up the monster Grendel entirely, just to lure Rumple into a trap and frame him for murdering some townspeople that HE killed himself! (Some anonymous dude from 975 is totally rolling over in his grave right now.)

So, anyway, Rumple’s other son Baelfire (Memba him?) is all up in his dad’s grill about defeating “Grendel” without using any magic to prove to the town that he’s not actually EEE-VIL, despite all the creepy face sparkles. So, Rumple, wanting to impress his kid, gives Baelfire the magical “you can control me” Dark One sword, to ensure that Rumple stays on the “magic-free” wagon. Then, the pair go off into the forest to fight “Grendel,” who, as I already mentioned, doesn’t actually exist in this bastardized version of the classic tale.

Once there, of course, the father and son duo come upon that douchebag Beowulf, who is totally out to ruin Rumple’s already lousy sparkle-face reputation. “Imma let you finish,” responds Rumple, because that’s what a “good” person on the “magic free” wagon would do.

 

But then Baelfire CONTROLS his dad and makes him MURDER BEOWULF!!!!

 

Almost immediately thereafter, Baelfire starts stroking the Dark One Sword like Smeogol on Lord of the Rings, laughs maniacally while twirling his prepubescent mustache fuzz, and tells Rumple they should use the Ogre Murdering Sword to KILL EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HAD THE NERVE TO MAKE FUN OF RUMPLE’S SPARKLE FACE!!!

W . . .T . . . F!!!!!

Isn’t this the same Baelfire who ran off to another dimension because he hated all magic, thought his dad was the devil, and was more nonviolent than Ghandi? This is some serious retcon sh*t going on here!

But don’t worry, People Who Actually Care About Plot and Continuity. There’s a fix for that. Rumple just makes Baelfire drink some tea that causes him to forget that he’s actually a shitty human being / murderer with a darkened soul. Baelfire swallows the tea, and is instantly a perfect little angel again. And this, if you think about it, would be a really great and inexpensive way to cure America’s prison overpopulation problem. Just saying . . .

My Handsome Loathsome Hero

Speaking of sons of Rumple who are in desperate need of a spanking, Gideon still wants to murder Emma, the Savior of the Universe, because he thinks this will prove that the Black Fairy is wrong, and he’s a really swell guy. “That makes no sense,” exclaims Rumple, when he confronts his son. “None of this plot makes any sense!”

“Well, you see, Dad.” Gideon begins, “It all started when I was a kid reading that ‘My Handsome Hero’ book mom gave me before I was kidnapped, which she believed would be a substitute for ‘good parenting.’ You know, back when she gave me away to that incompetent Blue Fairy to hide me from your evil ass? Anyway, Black Fairy was all like, ‘You want a be a hero? Then, stop me from beating up this other kid in front of your face. And I didn’t, because the book didn’t have anything in it about how to prevent supernatural child abuse. So, now, here I am, ready to make lots of poor life choices, possibly bring about the apocalypse, and use my effed up childhood as a justification for all of it.”

“Cool,” responds Rumple. “Hey, how would you like some nice tea that will make you forget what an asshole you are. It worked on your half-brother!”

Gideon drinks the tea, then shrugs and explains that it doesn’t work on him.

“Why?” Rumples asks, confused.

“Because the plot says so,” responds Gideon.

So, Gideon continues on with his plan to kill Emma, but first he has to repair the Murder Emma sword that broke the last time he tried to fight her and failed miserably, because Gideon sucks at fighting and at life in general. To repair the sword, Gideon needs the blood of the person who made the sword, who just so happens to be . . . wait for it . . . the same useless Blue Fairy that was responsible for losing Gideon to the Black Fairy, in the first place!

“Perfect,” exclaims Gideon, upon learning this new fact. “Everyone hates the Blue Fairy, and now we finally have an excuse to kill her off the show. I really am going to be a hero!”

But nooooooooo . . . Rumple has to go take Blue Fairy’s blood and NOT kill her, so that he can help his son achieve his stupid and misguided dreams, without darkening his already asshole heart. Dammit! We were this close to finally getting rid of Blue Fairy!

Stupid Rumple! Stupid Conveniently Not Working Forget You Are An Asshole Tea!

Sorry Regina, He’s Just Not That Into You

Elsewhere in Storybrooke, Alt World Robin breaks into Zelena’s house. “Are you trying to steal the baby I tricked the other version of you into putting into my womb?” The Wicked Witch asks nervously.

“Meh, kids are the worst, especially ones made partly from your gene cesspool,” explains Robin. “I just want you to help me skip town, because your sister is sooooooo needy, and keeps trying to fix me. Just in the past hour alone, she’s sent me like fifty texts. And they all say things like: ‘Let’s go to church together.’ ‘What are your thoughts on volunteering at a homeless shelter? ‘Stop kicking puppies and strangling old ladies, because it’s impolite.’”

“Every once in a while, I’ll reply ‘New Phone, Who Dis? But she never believes me,” gripes Alt-World Robin.

Zelena happens to be sympathetic to Alt-World Robin’s plight. She also thinks he’s hot. So, Zelena and Alt World Robin agree to break the protection spell around Storybrooke and skip town together. Unfortunately for them, the potion they make to break the protection spell doesn’t work when they try it.

Eventually, Regina confronts them both, and apologizes for being a Stage Five Clinger to Alt-World Robin. She even offers to help him find a way to break the spell and skip town!

Robin is so thankful to Regina for this, that he considers possibly even sleeping with her clingy ass. But then Regina’s Evil Queen alter ego turns back from a snake to a human, and she’s way hotter and more slutty than Regina. So Alt World Robin decides to sleep with her instead.

The Moral of this Story?: Nice girls who used to be evil, but used a magic potion to separate their evil selves from their bodies, always finish last. Also, don’t be a Stage Five Clinger. It’s a real boner killer!

“Marry Me . . . Even Though I Killed Your Grandfather, But It’s Cool, Because I Didn’t Know It Was Him At The Time.”

So, you know how last week on Once, Hook found out that he killed Prince Charming’s dad, but let Prince Charming go on thinking that the King was responsible for his death, because he didn’t want to screw up his relationship with Emma? (Because murderous secrets NEVER screw up relationships! Right?)

Pirate boots are known for their excellent insulation.

Well, now Hook has decided to come clean with Emma about the murder, but before he can do that, Emma spills the beans to him that she knows he wants to propose to her. She even gives him the engagement ring she found in his undie drawer, and tells him she will say yes, when he does it. (Way to be presumptuous, EMMA!)

So, Hook temporarily tables his grandpa-murdering confession, gets on one knee and proposes to Emma. And it’s a super sweet moment . . . one that’s totally going to bite the guy with the hook for a hand in the ass sooner, rather than later.

Until next time, folks!

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Filed under Once Upon a Time

That was Kol-d! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “A View to a Kill”

defans jeremy hulk

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JerBear, SMASH!

“If you’re going to be bad, be bad with a purpose.”

bad purpose 2

These are the sage words of advice “Mostly Reformed” Villain Damon Salvatore offers “Most-of-the-Time” Villain Klaus Mikaelson, while their respective friends and lovers are out trying to murder Klaus’ brother Kol.

A little ironic . . . don’t ya think?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But is Damon right?  Are TV characters who do bad things for good reasons always redeemable, while those who do bad things for bad reasons are, in the words of Damon, himself, “just dicks?”

douchebag jar misomeru

Take for example the now dearly departed, Kol Mikaelson.  Here’s a guy who, make no mistakes, has been doing some pretty bad things lately.  Let’s see . . .

He killed a group of innocent newbie vampires in a bar (though, let’s face it, they were all pretty much goners, regardless).

dead baby vamps

He threatened his own sister with the True Death.

hot kol 2

He made Damon stab himself.

stabbing self

He compelled Damon to kill Jeremy.

zombie damon

He terrorized Elena and Jeremy in their own home.

kol rampage

Trust me, Santa is definitely not putting Kol on any Nice List, this year.

santa klaus

And yet, ostensibly speaking, Kol had good reasons for doing all of these things.  He was doing them to try to avoid what he believed was the arrival of the END OF THE WORLD.

The Scooby Gang, on the other hand, murdered Kol, and, by extension THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of vampires . . . not all of whom were definitively terrible people, by the way . . . because they wanted to . . . make it easier for Elena to resolve her romantic feelings for Damon and Stefan?

stefan shrug

Hmm . . . maybe Damon’s wrong.  Perhaps, the difference between a redeemable TV villain and an irredeemable one really just comes down to . . . whose name is higher on the credits?

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre,  whose screencaps are .  . . wait for it . . . to DIE FOR, MWAH-HAHAHA!]

Vampire Walk of Shame

pissed stef

“Oh crap!”

Those of us out there who have had the unfortunate experience of making a Bad Decision after a night of drinking, can certainly relate to Stefan’s desire to “dress and dash” at the first morning’s light,  in order to avoid the inevitable “awkward conversation” that typically follows such Bad Decisions.  Super vampire speed can come in pretty handy, in such situations!

hush little

*tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, door open, squeeeeeaaaak*

Unless, of course, you are making Bad Decisions with other vampires.  Then, you are kind of screwed . . .

hello mate

“Hello, Guy Who just F*&ked My Sister.  Care for a spot of tea?”

Stefan learns this the hard way, when he tries to make a quick escape from Rebekah’s bed, only to find himself face-to-face with her brother, Klaus .  . . who, let’s face it, always seemed to have a not-so-secret crush on Stefan.

3 11 klefandiaries love never dies

Talk about awkward!

Fortunately for Stefan, Klaus isn’t there to take a walk down Memory Sex Lane.  He actually just wants Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger, so that he can put down his pesky brother Kol.  Rebekah has a few choice words for Klaus,  in response to his request, and they rhyme with “Yuck Foo” (or, at least they would, if this show was on cable, instead of the CW).

sookie shut the fuck up

Stefan, on the other hand, is a bit more receptive to Klaus’ argument.  After all, daggering Kol, at least, at the present moment, seems to be the key to . . . wait for it . . . SAVING ELENA.

happy elena

Something in the Water

Caroline is inexplicably on hiatus again, this week . . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

This means that Bonnie must take on her job of . . . having highly unnatural sounding telephone conversations with other members of the cast, with the sole purpose of re-hashing the plot of last week’s episode . . .

previously on

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

strangle balloon

“I’d rather strangle this balloon than be having this conversation.”

I thought the show’s annoying helpful new intro took care of this . . .

“I’m stuck in the house, because Damon is compelled to kill Jeremy.  But I want Jeremy to kill Kol.  Because killing Kol means killing his entire vampire line.  And killing lots of vampires means Jeremy’s tattoo can grow.  And Jeremy’s fully grown tattoo equals a map to the vampire cure,” rambles Elena, as she essentially makes my “job” as a recapper completely useless.

3 5 angry fixed at zero other nat and gace

Thanks a lot, biatch!

I’m not going to lie.  I cheered when the newly-vervained water supply burned Elena’s dainty plot-spoiling fingertips.  Girlfriend had it coming . . .

ayeeee

“Ayeeeeeeeee . . .”

Mayor McSad

im a witch

“Do you have any idea how many supernatural creatures live here?  You do realize that by vervaining supply, you are going to ensure that none of them can shower, right?  Do you know how bad this place is going to stink, in about two days?

whistle

*whistles*

Taking a page out of the movie Footloose, Bonnie’s dad unilaterally decides that teenagers dancing leads to death.  So, he opts to cancel the school’s annual decade dance.

dont dance

Unfortunately, in this case, dude’s probably right.

TVD’s Decade Dance episodes are almost always their most bloody.  And this one will be no exception . . . In fact, it can be argued that this episode’s body count is the highest in TVD history . . .

Bonnie’s pretty pissed about the whole “no dance” thing.  (She blew up those 99 damn red balloons for nothing!)

grrrr owl

bonnie kol

“Oddly enough, this is the most action I’ve had since I stopped sleeping with my almost brother.”

And I imagine her No Dance rage had a bit to do with her going all Stephen King’s Carrie on Kol, when he tried to accost her in the hallway by the lockers.

pop balloon

“NO!  Not popped balloons!  Anything but popped balloons!  Please Bonnie, have mercy on my soul!  (Maybe you could just give me a papercut, like you did that Shane guy.)”

Now granted, Bonnie does some pretty cool witchy things, by the end of this episode.   So, I’ll give her a break here.  But it must be said, that, just like with last week’s “gave Shane a paper cut,” moment, Bonnie’s “defense” against Kol’s advances is pretty Magic Lame.  Popping balloons?  Slamming lockers?  Around these parts that’s what we call a Temper Tantrum.

And yet “All Powerful Original Vampire” Kol was on his knees, inexplicably screaming in anguish from this lackluster demonstration.  So, Not-Yet-Dark-Willow 2.0 must have been doing something right. . .

dark willow

Damon Salvatore’s Revenge Sex Handbook, and other items on my Must Read List

nice floor

Dirty, pride-wounded, and half drained of blood, Damon is still looking mighty hot, as he naps on the floor of the Makeshift Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  Stefan treats his brother like a dog, throwing  blood vial treats on the floor by his face, and offering him probably piss warm re-bottled tap water to drink.  (Important later)  What’s the matter, Steffy?  You couldn’t spring from some Poland Spring?

wet damon 2

Oh how the mighty hath fallen!  Big Bad Klaus has been relegated to the job of babysitter/ prison warden, while Stefan heads out looking for Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger to use on Kol.

prison warden

“Peekaboo!  It’s your friendly neighborhood prison warden!”

the show

He shares with Damon gossip about Stefan’s sexcapades with Rebekah.  And I’ll be damned if big bro doesn’t seem just the slightest bit proud of his brother’s newfound sluttiness!

damon approves

“Look whose taken a page out of my Revenge Sex Handbook,” muses Damon.

First Katherine, then Elena, and now Rebekah . . . these two bro vamps sure do seem to enjoy dipping their pens in the same company ink, don’t they?  Speaking of Salvatore Sex Buddies . . .

Elena’s Master Plan

Stefan is pissed off enough at Elena to remove her picture from his cell phone, but not pissed enough to delete her from his contacts entirely.  So, when Elena calls Stefan, the generic “Male Silhouette” pops up on his phone, instead of his ex-girlfriend’s smug face.

I thought it was pretty hilarious that, when Elena started detailing her plans to Stefan on how she planned to kill Kol, Stefan turned on his motorcycle, so Klaus couldn’t hear them.

whaaat

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

moto

“Wait, I’m turning on my motorcycle so Klaus can’t hear us.”

whaaat

“WHHHHHAAAAT???!”

screaming stef

“I SAID, I’M TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, SO KLAUS CAN’T HEAR . . . oh, fudge!”

Riiiiight, because the Original Vampire’s Super Hearing is strong enough that he can hear telephone conversations going on UPSTAIRS and OUTSIDE HOUSE WALLS, but not telephone conversations that are DROWNED OUT BY THE DULL ROAR OF AN ENGINE.

Damon eye roll

Anywhoo, Elena wants Stefan to use the Make-Originals-Take-a-Nap dagger on Rebekah (or, rather, have Matt do it for him), so that Jeremy can kill Kol, and Bonnie can “do something” to Klaus.  And, just like that, the Band is back together again . . .

Happy House Guests and Maneaters

All two people who shipped Elena and Kol as a couple were probably thrilled that it was her job to hit on him in her home, while Matt helped Stefan look for Rebekah’s dagger, and JerBear headed off in search of BonBon.  Kol tries to smooth, by waxing poetic about “music” and yammering on about the classy alcoholic beverages of yesteryear.  But let’s face it, he’s no Elijah . . .

hi im elijah

video games

ELENA: “Yooooo hooo, I’m flirting with you, and plying you with alcohol!  It’s your job to love me!  Don’t forget what show you’re on!”

KOL: “Shut up, wench.  I’m in the middle of beating Grand Theft Auto.”

ELENA:  “You’re sooo not surviving this episode . . .”

Why not stick to what you do best, Kol?  Making people stab themselves, and clocking them on the head with baseball bats?

kol bat

Meanwhile, Rebekah is rocking out to the song “Maneater,” while whining about the lameness of 80’s fashions.  Having missed every single decade dance, since the show’s inception, Rebekah seems more resigned than dejected, when she learns that this one was canceled.

rebekah heart

And yet, try as she might to look nonchalant, when Stefan presents her with the idea of attending the dance anyway, the perpetual 17-year old’s face lights up, like a kid on Christmas morning . . .

go to the dance

“If this were really an 80’s movie, you’d be the bitchy girl, who, dated James Spader, and got screwed in the end, while Molly Ringwald got the boy.  But since you were sleeping during that decade, we can pretend it’s the other way around.”

Villain Bonding Session

In my second favorite scene in the episode (we’ll get to my favorite soon enough), Klaus randomly asks Damon for advice on how to get the girl of your dreams to fall in love with you, despite the fact that you occasionally murder people she cares about . . .

blonde vamp

damon-compels-caroline-gif

“Been there, done her . . .”

As I mentioned at the beginning of this recap, Damon advises Klaus that the key to being a redeemable villain is doing bad things for good reasons.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Klaus all that much.  After all, he’s the guy that killed Aunt Jenna, because he wanted to build himself a Slave Army, and killed Tyler’s mom and twelve hybrids, because he was Having a Bad Day . . .

3 9 better klaus cry

Cheer up, Klaus.  Redemption is overrated, anyway . . .

Worst .  . . Family Meeting EVERRRRRR!

Sucky is when your dad confiscates your cell phone and your car keys, so you can’t go out and play in the Save Elena games with your Scooby Gang.

got your phone

“I got your phone, and you can’t have it, Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhhhh.”

SUPER SUCKY is when your ex-boyfriend barges in and tries to kill your vampire mother, so she suffocates you, and drugs you, so you can’t leave the house . . .

stop talking

“Ew, mom, your hand stinks.  Who have you been eating?”

Ode to the 80’s

Unlike some of the other decades this series has represented, you can tell that the 80’s is one that a majority of the show’s writers have actually lived through, and thoroughly enjoyed, tacky wardrobe choices notwithstanding.  Paul Wesley (speaking in Stefan’s voice, of course), who, himself is an 80’s baby, seems almost wistful, as he describes movies like Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club.

80s movie

I gotta say though, I kind of thought they’d go with a Pretty in Pink reference, especially given the locale .  . .

pretty-in-pink-fb

But I guess that’s not really a “Dude Movie,” not even for “sensitive vampire dudes” like Stefan . . .

Though I bet Edward Cullen would just eat that sh*t up .  . .

EdwardCullen

And while, as far as plot points go, this scene did little to advance the main story, it did serve to reveal a side of both Rebekah and Stefan that we haven’t seen before . . . their shared sentimentality and sense of nostalgia.  Plus, I thought it was a little kinky that Rebekah’s “koala corsage,” was grabbing at her boob the whole time they danced . . .

dancing

copping

Upon learning that Rebekah has conveniently hidden the dagger in her boot, Stefan gets right to business, cleverly suggesting the pair practice The Breakfast Club Slide (Is that a Thing?  I didn’t know that was a Thing?), as a way to get her barefoot.

breakfast club slide

She sees right through his evil scheme, though . . .

Ruh Roh!  Nice knowing ya, Steffy!

beating up stefan

Except . . . wait a minute  . . . Rebekah’s totally COOL with giving her little bro the Big Sleep . . .

. . . if it means getting a chance to use the vampire cure on herself, that is . . .

wanna be human

Sorry Matt Donovan, Dagger Finder!  You’ve just been rendered entirely useless, for yet another episode . . .

always a bridesmaid

“Always a bridesmaid . . .”

Speaking of Originals, who know they’ve been betrayed . . .

Burning MAD!

After phoning Brother Klaus to give him the 411 on his so-called allies, Kol angrily barges back into Casa Gilbert to tell Elena he’s denied her phony request for a truce.  He stabs Elena with some wood, tries to chop off Jeremy’s arm on the carving table, gets sprayed in the face with vervain water, and chases Elena and JerBear around the house a bit, like he’s the Wil E. Coyote, and they are the Road Runners.

baked jeremy

“Anybody hungry?  I thought I’d make some Hunter’s Stew, heavy on the hunter.”

And just like the Wil E. Coyote, Kol makes one VERY stupid mistake . . .

Hey buddy, question for you.  Why would you bring THE WEAPON DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO KILL ONLY YOU to the house of the people who REALLY WANT TO KILL YOU?

draco malfoy facepalm

“I’m a mini villain, and even I know that’s a bad idea.”

And kill him they do!  While Kol is being distracted by vervain water and shiny objects (like Elena’s boobs), Elena grabs the stake from him, tosses it to JerBear, and allows the latter to finish the job.

burning kol

“Stop drop and roll, buddy.  Just stop, drop and roll . . .”

KABLOOEY,  Hot Kol has just become REALLY HOT KOL .  . .

And then ASH KOL . . .

And then DEAD KOL . . .

No spinoff for you, little man!  That’s what you get for not being nice to Elena on the Everybody Loves Elena show. . .   Better luck, next series!

happy elena

Klaus the Mime

Hey guys, Kol’s dead!

You know what that means.  That’s right.  An uncompelled Damon has earned his Get of Jail Free card from the Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  More importantly, now he can go back to screwing Elena.  YIPPEEE!

sexy delena 2

In other news, Bonnie went all Witchy Roid Rage on her parental units, and made it back to Casa Gilbert just in time for a furious Klaus to land on their doorstep, and realize his brother is Definitely Dead this time . . . not just taking a 500 year nap, like last time . .  .

burn house

Klaus, of course, is hopping mad, and threatens to blow Elena’s house down, like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs story.  Actually, he threatens to BURN it down.  Honey, your brother already tried that.  It didn’t work out so well for him.

burning kol

Turns out, Klaus didn’t really want the cure to make Elena human, and make more hybrids.  He wants to DESTROY IT!

(Really, Klaus?  You go through all that trouble to find something, and then you want to throw it away?  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to go along with Kol’s plan, and prevent the cure from being found at all?)

funny kol face

“Now you tell me?”

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Bonnie leads Klaus into the Gilbert living room, and inexplicably uses some witchy juju to LOCK HIM IN . . .

fist pump

“Klaus, you’re doing it wrong.  Clearly, in your thousand years of time on Earth, you never spent time at the Jersey Shore.  A fist pump looks like this.”

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Cue Klaus screaming and banging his fist against the air.  That homeless mime, who I see every day outside the subway would be SO impressed.  Screw the Originals spinoff.  I want to watch a show that features new guest stars every week coming to talk to a faux-imprisoned Klaus at the Gilbert Home.  Imagine all the hijinks!  They could call it “Klaus in a Box.”

lonnie oh my feelings

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Speaking of funny . . .

You wouldn’t like JerBear when he’s angry . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome the Scooby Gang reunites for my favorite scene of the episode.  At first, nothing much happens.  Damon and Elena hug and kiss, but can’t do much else, because all those pesky other people are there watching.

Delena-Hug-3-2x12-damon-and-elena-18786642-500-254

Stefan pops in to inform everyone that their former nemesis, Rebekah, has now joined the Scoobies. And why not?  After all, Rebekah has already paid the membership fee, by getting a Stefan injection . . . if you catch my drift . . .

stebekah 1

Elena, of course, thinks this idea is crap.  Because she’s the fairest one of all, gosh darn it!  And she’s not going to have to put up with another lady who has intimate knowledge of which Salvatore brother has the bigger weiner.  No sir!  Not on the Everybody Loves Elena Show! she doesn’t trust Rebekah.

Damon and Stefan exchange words about their lady loves.  Stefan issues a particularly below the belt sire bond comment.

oh hell to the no

The two are about to beat the crap out of one another for the 85,000 time this series  . . .

punching stefan

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 . . . when . . . MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE HAPPENS!

JerBear starts growling, and ripping off his shirt, like he’s just been told he got the starring role in Hulk: The Musical.  And I start laughing hysterically at his expense, until I see his muscles all covered in dead vampire tattoos.  Then, suddenly, I fall silent, mesmerized by the hotness of it all.

muscles 2

muscles 1

x marks the spot

BabyScared

Surely, the sight of Jeremy’s naked chest makes the death of thousands of vampires, worth it?  Doesn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, the Scooby Gang goes camping on Lost island!  (Here’s hoping Damon and Elena have sex in a bear cage.)

KateSawyer cage

See you then, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Whose Team are YOU on? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Catch Me If You Can”

crossbow

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In a world where TV Viewers are defined, not only by the shows that they watch, but by the couples they ship while they are watching them, “Amazing Race”-type plotlines, like the one found in this week’s TVD episode, are not only encouraged, they are inevitable!  Just like with Real People, competition brings about both the best and the worst attributes of our characters.  It highlights their strengths, exposes their weaknesses, and awakens their basest instincts.

freaking hungry

Who will win the Race for the Vampire Cure?  Who will defeat their adversaries in a Battle to the Death?  And who will end up sucking . . . blood?   Only time will tell, Fangbangers.  Time . . . and this recap, of course!

[Special thanks to Andre, whose snark and awesome screencaps know no bounds!]

Team Hunky Arms and Human Teddy Bear

When we last left the World’s Cutest Ambiguously Gay Duo, Mattykins and Jer Bear, they were in a bar, surrounded by freshly turned newbie vamps.

at the bar

Silly Matt!  Don’t you realize that wearing a varsity jacket to a bar not only tells everyone you are underage, it also tells them you are “not yet legal?”

Jer Bear, aside from occasionally erupting into a murderous rage against his own sister, is still, for all intents and purposes, a “Good Guy.”  So, of course, he balks at the idea of killing “innocents.”

jeremy arms

This makes Klaus mad!

3 5 mad klaus aunquesea

And when Klaus gets mad, everyone suffers . . . especially Mattykins, who the newbie vamps have just been compelled to believe is a tender juicy steak with eyes, ripe for the chewing.

matt meat

meat with eyes

Run Matt, Run!  The Sexy Cabin is waiting!

run matt run

The “Run Through The Forest” sequence at the beginning of this episode has a fun sort of video game quality to it, in which each of our resident “heroes” takes turns rescuing Damsel in Distress Mattykins from a nameless, faceless, Vampire Zombie Type.

sad matt

“I feel so used!”

First Jeremy does his “Cross-Bow” thing.  Then, Damon does his “Heart Tugging” thing . . .

3 11 bloody heart

open heart surgery

Then, Elena pops up out of literally nowhere, and does . . . well, whatever it is she does . . .

leave him alone

hiyah

“Gee thanks, ex-girlfriend!  As if the past five minutes haven’t emasculated me enough!”

The video game ends and the sex games begin with Mattykins, Elena and JerBear returning safely to Sexy Cabin.  There, the only monsters they will have to battle are the ones they invite inside . . . provided they don’t screw up, and spring for pizza again . . .

pizza girl one

Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes

jer damon

“Our plans are lame, but our hotness makes up for it.”

Back inside Sexy Cabin, Jeremy has regrettably come to the conclusion that, cuddly though he may be, Human Teddy Bear Mattykins is more of a liability than an asset in the Race for the Cure.  It’s time to trade him in for an “Older, More Vintage” model . . .

wet damon 2

damon soulful crying

Elena is not entirely cool with this . . . until Damon tells her that she is cool with it.  Then, she decides it’s a Great Idea!

happy elena

So, Damon and Elena have sex!

sexy delena 2

delena sex real

(Actually, they don’t.  But I was annoyed by the lack of Delena in this episode, particularly after their triumphant “I Love You” exchange, last week.  And I decided to use a little poetic license.  So, sue me!)

Team Lonely Hearts

rebekah reading

“Dear Diary . . . blah, blah, blah Elena . . . blah, blah, blah Feelings .  . . blah, blah, blah SO SAAAAAAAAAD . . . blah, blah, blah I’M FREAKING HUNGRY!”

Sprawled out on her ex-boyfriend’s bed, and waiting for him to emerge from the shower in all his shirtless, muscle-y, glory, Rebekah probably wishes she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Gone Girl, or any other book about dysfunctional relationships that isn’t Stefan’s Mopey Diary.  Yet, she gallantly endures the tedium of Stefan’s writing.  Because, when it comes to the Race for the Cure, knowing thy teammate is almost as important as knowing thyself.  And besides . . .

stefan abs

stefans back

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 . . . when he’s not perpetually Boo-Hooing over Elena, This Guy is actually kind of HOT!  Who knew?

what i look like when

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Yes, I do, Stefan.  You look goooood.

Without a vampire hunter or a witch on their side, Rebekah and Stefan decide that their key to winning the Race for the Cure is finding Silas’ headstone.  You know, because hunks of cement beat live human beings any day, and twice on Sundays.

Gravestone Eyes

“Go Team Stebekah!”

From the get-go, there’s a lot of sexual tension between these two.  They are both really close talkers, and enjoy invading each other’s personal space.

personal space

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I just haven’t decided yet if that’s because these two have good chemistry with one another, or if they are both just REALLY, REALLY HORNY!

rebekah heart

“I didn’t mean to do it!  I swear, I thought it was his weiner!”

Team Bloody Nose and Brillo Pad Hair

sleepy bonnie

Oh crap!  Are these two staring at candles again?

candle stare

“It’s just so . . . beautiful!  I think I’m going to write an emo song about it.”

4 10 nod off

Fortunately, Lizard Forbes is on the case.  She uses her badge to combat the boredom of Bonnie and Professor Flower Child.

lizard

“Scenery chewing is a federal offense.  You’re under arrest, douchebag!”

fanboy 2

“Cool!  I’m getting arrested.  This is totally going to up my street cred!”

Honestly, I’m so thankful to Lizard Forbes for saving this scene that it almost makes me forget about that time she tried to have her own daughter killed, just because she turned into a vampire . . .

you suck laurrrrde

Bonnie, of course, wants to know why the Lizard has so rudely interrupted her intense game of Candle Staring.  To this inquiry, Lizard replies, “Ask your father.”

In the wise words of Yoda, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”

bonnie's dad

“Honestly, I just really hate candles.”

All Hail, Kol Mikaelson!

all hail kol

good to see mate

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I hate to say it, but I think, right now, Kol is the only one on this show with any good sense.  I mean, come on . . . “raising the dead,” “curing immortality,” “more powerful than an Original Vampire?”  It’s SOOO obvious this Silas guy is being set up as the show’s Next Big Bad, just in time for Klaus to get his spinoff.  So why does the entire Scooby Gang seem intent on giving this guy a wakeup call?

surrounded by idiots

(Also, I’m pretty sure Professor Shane is actually a disembodied Silas, whose working to get back into his own body, to re-activate his dormant powers.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .)

Anywhoo, Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes head back to the bar to pick up chicks continue their “hunting expedition.”

enter the bar

Hunting Rule 101: When trying to catch your prey by surprise, it’s probably a bad idea to stand under a BIG BRIGHT LAMP, while carrying a HUGE CROSSBOW.

So, this bar . . . it’s not exactly the kind of place you want to toss back a few beers, and sway drunkenly to “Sweet Child of Mine.”  For one thing, check out the floor . . .

bloody floor

“Something’s wrong,” remarks Damon, sagely.

Gee!  Ya think?

You know what I like to do, when I go to a bar, and the floor looks like that?

run

Yeah . . . I think that’s probably the normal response.  Certainly not, “Let’s go hang out in the freezer,” which is exactly what Jeremy and Damon ended up doing . . .

dead baby vamps

This is what happens to people who hang out  in the freezers of bars with bloody floors . . .

want a drink

“Chill out, guys!  Get it . . . chill?  Because we’re in a freezer.  Whatever!  Socrates and Jesus both thought that joke was hilarious!  You millennials have no sense of humor!”

In the freezer, Damon and Jer Bear find That Other Lost Original Who Isn’t Elijah . . .

elijah wont show

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hide from elijah

At first, Kol actually behaves pretty peaceably.  He calmly explains to the duo a simple formula that even they can understand.  And here it is . . .

                     awakening Silas = bringing about the Apocalypse

bringing about the Apocalypse = BAD

DON’T WAKE SILAS!

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Damon and Jer Bear ponder this for a moment, and decide,  “Nah, Apocalypse, Shmockalypse.  We should wake Silas anyway . . . after all, it’s FOR ELENA!”

happy elena

So, Kol is forced to take matters into his own hands . . .

strangle head

“Is it Friday yet?”

Bonnie Bennett is THE CLOSER

dont do it

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Wanna get a man to confess to the mass murder of twelve townspeople?  Put him in the room with a Really Pissed Off Witch!  Bonnie went all Dark Willow on Professor Shane’s ass in the Mystic Falls interrogation room, this week.

dark willow

And it actually gave me a great idea for a TV show.  Think about it.  What are the two most popular kinds of television dramas out there today?  Police procedurals and Supernatural shows.  So, why not combine those two for a show about a witch who uses dark magic to force confessions out of serial killers?  Not bad, right?

damon approves

Except, was I the only one who was a bit disappointed that Bonnie’s first Descent into Evil featured her doing nothing more than setting a small trash can fire, and giving Professor Shane would looked like a Really Bad Case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

bonnie shane 1

bonnie shane 2

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Seriously?  Dark Willow would have blasted Professor Dimbulb’s ass to the next century for saying all the crap he was saying about Bonnie’s Grams!

VDGranny

The Bennett witch just gave him a glorified paper cut . . .

my hand

“Dammit Bonnie!  Now I’ll never be a hand model!”

eye roll

And yet, I think this scene was important because it foreshadowed two future plotlines: (1) Bonnie’s inevitable descent into Dark Willow 2: The Straight-to-Video Version “Bad Witch” territory; and (2) her developing her own motives for getting the cure, based upon a desire to bring her grandmother back from the dead.

Team Klaus and Elena?

klaus elena

While Caroline was out “shopping,” or whatever the f&*k she was doing throughout this episode . . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

I never said she was, Tyler.  Thou doth protest too much?

 . . . Matt had the unlucky job of being the Obligatory Delena Doubter of the Hour.  There he was, in Elena’s ear, telling our heroine that her boyfriend is BAAAAAAD news . . .

damon and matt

“Payback’s a b*tch.”

We interrupt this “scintillating conversation” for an Important Phone Call . . .

vampire emergency

It’s Jeremy!  Kol has KIDNAPPED DAMON!

surprised-face

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Elena actually ends up going to Klaus for help, which is weird on so many levels . . .

santa klaus

“Hey Elena!  Come sit on Santa Klaus’ lap, and tell him how much you want the Vampire Cure for Christmas.”

Interestingly enough, Klaus and Elena are actually on the same side, in this instance.  Though they each have their own reasons, these two BOTH want the cure, and they BOTH want to keep Jeremy Gilbert alive and safe . . . at least for the time being.  So, Klaus agrees to call in a “brotherly favor” on Elena’s behalf . . .

kol on the phone

“Sup, bro?”

klaus on the phone

“Oh, the usual . . . just torturing and manipulating people for my own personal gain.”

stabbing self

me too

“No sh*t!  Me too!”

It’s a real testament to Klaus’ stupidity arrogance that he seems to truly believe that he can get Kol to STOP trying to murder Jeremy, just because he asked nicely.

draco malfoy facepalm

Kol gives Klaus his “word” that he won’t touch Jeremy Gilbert.  And he does keep his promise . . . by compelling Damon to kill Jeremy for him . . .

BabyScared

Team ?

stebek

More Whisper Talking and Eye F*&ks for these two, as they scope out Professor Nerdy Pants’ office for Silas’ headstone.

crazy sex good

Rebekah and Stefan then enter into that age old question that teen dramas cope with, time and time again.  Is no frills sex possible, on a consistent basis?  One night stands are one thing.  But can you repeatedly bone the same individual, without “catching the dreaded feelings” for that person?

stefan shrug

Stefan and Rebekah seem primed to test that theory, right there on Professor Needle Weiner’s desk. But then, Some Random Guy comes and grabs Silas’ headstone, which, conveniently, is precisely what Team Lonely Hearts had broken in to find!

random strangled

The question is, who sent this guy, and what team is HE ON?  Unfortunately, Some Random Guy would rather chew off his own tongue, and kill himself than let you find out . . .

stabbing self 2

This is usually how I feel on Sunday nights . . .

Team Zombie Damon?

zombie damon

“Must . . . Kill . . . Jer Bear . . .”

care_bear

“But he’s SO CUTE . . . and has really nice arm muscles.”

zombie damon 2

“Must . . . kill .  . . him . . . anyway.”

I always find the concept of vampire compulsion fascinating.  You see, unlike humans, vampires KNOW they are being compelled.  So, there’s this interesting dichotomy between what they WANT to be doing, and what they are ACTUALLY doing.  The moment Damon hunts down Jeremy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, he realizes that Kol has compelled him to murder Jeremy.  And yet a part of him WANTS to obey, while the other part is WARNING Jeremy to run away from him, and / or shoot him in the heart.  Damon’s babbling on about this like a Crazy Person, as he chases the vampire hunter through that old underground railroad place where Tyler used to do his “Werewolf Transformation Thing.”

big bad vampire out here

It’s a TOTAL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde conundrum!

Jeremy ends up shooting Damon in the BRAIN, instead of the heart, which only places a temporary bandaid on the problem.  (I guess he’s not really a zombie, after all!)

borderline braindead

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Then, Elena pops up to tell Damon he should fight the compulsion to kill Jeremy because he loooooves Elena so much.  “It worked for Stefan,” she helpfully implies . . .

Damon eye roll

Here’s some helpful advice for you, Elena.  Please don’t be one of those girls who always talks about your Old Boyfriend with your New One.  Guys hate that!  How would YOU feel, if Damon started comparing sex with you to the sex he’s had with the 20,000 other women he’s laid before you?

2 21 the cry hungoverdelena

Exactly!

Also, let’s not compare apples to oranges here.  Stefan was able to fight the compulsion to EAT ELENA.  That’s very different from fighting a compulsion to EAT ELENA’S BROTHER.  Stefan loved Elena.  Damon loves Elena.  Damon . . . likes Jeremy very much.  Hence, these are two totally different situations.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Speaking of Stefan, Elena ends up calling him for help.  And though he first balks at the idea, Baby Salvatore conveniently arrives in the “forest” just in time to stop the bullet Jeremy shoots toward Damon’s heart AND break his brother’s neck, thereby putting him out of commission long enough for Elena and Jer Bear to make a quick escape.

youre welcome

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Since Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, until Kol is either daggered or permanently killed, Stefan ends up draining Damon of blood and locking him in that convenient cage in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where Stefan and Damon always lock each other when one or the other of them is “being bad.”

2 22 prison warden stefan

“Your turn!”

This seems to happen at least once or twice per season . . .

Team Stelena Team Stefan and PRIDE

what i look like when

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Elena heads over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check on Damon.  Needless to say, Stefan is not happy to see her.  And her repeated requests are met with stone cold denial . ..

whatever you want

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There still remains the risk that Elena might free Damon, as a result of the sire bond.  And Damon will inadvertently kill Jeremy.  So, in a sense, Stefan is protecting Elena and Damon from themselves.  But that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.

And Elena, well . . . sometimes, she just doesn’t know when to SHUT UP . . .

2 16 damon says stop talking

She has to go nag Stefan about palling around with his ex, Rebekah, when, really, she should be thrilled that he’s FINALLY moving on, like she already has.  She lectures Stefan about his bad attitude . . .

isnt you

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And yeah, we can all see where she’s coming from.  Stefan has been acting like a bit of a douche this week . . Why does that make him more attractive to me?  Clearly, I have issues.

douchebag jar misomeru

But for Elena to say that Stefan’s behavior is “out of character” for him, is kind of out of line.  After all, the guy is what, 160 some odd years old?  And Elena has known him for . . . maybe two of those years?  Elena never really knew Stefan as the Ripper, or the depressive, who spent years underground trying to kick his human blood drinking habit cold turkey.  And most of all, Elena never knew Stefan as a humanin love with a girl named Katherine Petrova.

kefan dance

So, who is to say what’s “normal” and what isn’t for Stefan?  He was in his right, telling her that this is how he looks when he isn’t in love with her . . . even if his words are OBVIOUS lies . . .

2 16 lie

This is the “Everybody Loves Elena” show, after all . . .

But Stefan and Damon aren’t the only characters who are having a bad day.  Rebekah has a confrontation with Kol, during which she almost daggers him, and HE almost STAKES HER . . . permanently.  Ouch!

hot kol 2

Though Klaus comes to his siblings rescue, his presence isn’t exactly comforting to Rebekah, especially, when that presence advocates the murder of her own brother . . .

dagger sib

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Honestly, with all the stress they’ve been under, can you blame Stefan and Rebekah for wanting to end their day with a little No Frills Sex?

no feelings no attachments

stebekah 1

stebekah

not but fun

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Now, maybe it’s just me.  But, somehow, I don’t see the “Girl Who Loved Too Easily” . . .

laugh at

 . . . and Broody McCryFace . . .

stefan crying gif

 . . . being successful in this whole “Friends with Benefits” undertaking.

Of course, I could be wrong . . .

In Other News . . .

Klaus has just threatened to take Jeremy on one of his “Let’s Murder, Roadtrips.”

gilbert clan

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And we all know how those tend to work out . . .

2 22 bloody stefan

So, Elena has another idea.  “Let’s KILL KOL!”  She tells Jeremy excitedly.

You know, because directly murdering twelve innocent baby vamps is WRONG.  But indirectly murdering 5,000 of them is TOTALLY cool!

happy elena

Yeah . . . remember back when Elena thought that Kol might be the Daddy of the Sire Line that made Damon and Stefan; and she wanted to protect his life at all costs?  That’s OK, neither does she!

Next week, on TVD . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Pretty Little Liars Season 3A – The Good, The Bad, and the TOBY!

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Hey there, my Pretties!  This week, PLL wrapped up its third summer season with a hot sex scene, the discovery of a bastard child, another dead body, and a shocking twist that absolutely blew last season’s arguably anti-climactic reveal of Mona as “A” out of the water.  Though admittedly a bit less action-packed than past seasons, season 3A of PLL still managed to serve up some genuine scares (Mona’s “nursery rhyme” anyone?), a few great one liners (“Bitch can see!”), and some tantalizing clues that kept fans guessing each week, long after the final credits rolled.

So, hold on to your teeth, check your dolls for hidden recording devices, and always keep that wooden mannequin leg handy (You never know when you might have to murder a snake with it.), because here comes a Pretty Little Season 3A retrospective . . .

THE GOOD

After Mona’s “outing” as A last season, I think a lot of fans, myself included, worried that PLL would begin to run out of steam.  “Would subsequent seasons of the show just be more of the same?”  We wondered . . . another A . . . more text messages . . . a few empty scares and clues that would end up going no where . . . until it was ultimately revealed that the story was turning out just as the books had predicted it would.

And yet, somehow, the writers and producers of PLL managed to overcome this obstacle . . . at least, partially, by giving the season a darker, more mature, tone (the girls are seniors now, after all), introducing some new characters, while delving further into some older ones, and creating some really solid standalone moments that brought back memories of what the show was like in its groundbreaking first season.

So, without further adieu, I present to you, “The Good” of Season 3A . . .

Best Scares/ Moments of Season 3A

Maya-normal activity

Admittedly, I had a lot of issues with the Maya St. Germaine murder mystery, as you’ll see in “The Bad” below.  That said, one aspect of this B-plot that I enjoyed thoroughly was the use of web videos to increase the intrigue, and heighten the fright factor, of what otherwise could have become just another “cold case” type story.  Just as the PLL writers have always done with their trademark Dead Ali Flashbacks, Maya’s web diary, helped to make Maya a more interesting and mysterious dead character, than she ever was a live one.

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In addition to providing some “slice of life” character insight, Maya’s videos also heightened the tension of the scenes in which they were featured, because the viewer always knew that, just outside the video frame, someone was out there trying to KILL her.  This technique sort of harkened back to “Ali’s Last Video Debut from Season 1.”  I’m sure you guys remember that one . . .

However, one of my favorite video moments of the season actually didn’t come from Maya’s video diary at all.  Rather, it came from the surveillance video that Noel Kahn sent Spencer to exculpate himself as a murder suspect.  The makers of the Paranormal Activity series will tell you, there’s just something about a grainy surveillance video, featuring seemingly random footage of people you know that’s inexplicably scary.  Maybe it’s the feeling of “authenticity” you get from watching something with a time stamp.  Or, maybe it’s because they catch you off guard, by being so boring most of the time, and then, converting to BATSH*T CRAZY MODE, just when you’re about ready to change the channel . . .

All I know is that when Maya, seconds after appearing on screen, got yanked out of the frame by an unseen evildoer, I jumped out of my seat, for the first time, this season . . .

Show Me Your Teeth

Sure, it was campy, and not particularly believable, but I love that the “A” team made a necklace out of real teeth, and slipped it into Emily’s bag at school.  I mean, sure, I imagine those chompers could have come from any number of mundane places . . . the dentists office, some way-too-proud parents commemorative jar, the tooth fairy . . . But just the mere idea that the A Team might have hand plucked pearly whites from Ali’s now nearly two-year old corpse is disgustingly genius!

Truth or Scare

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Because the girls are forced to deal with some pretty adult stuff on a daily basis, we often forget the fact that, back when they were hanging out with Ali, they were all still REALLY young.  That’s why some of my favorite PLL moments take seemingly innocent childhood toys and games, and present them in a creepier, much more sinister, light.  The most obvious example of this are those ugly-as-sin talking dolls that have fast become Evil!Mona’s calling card.  Halloween masks, Ouiji Boards, pumpkins, and super cute clown banks have also been used to create this same effect.

This season, however, the PLL writers boldly tackled a place where only middle school sleepover parties have gone before: Truth or Dare.  We’ve all played this one before, right?  It’s a game that, at it’s tamest, involves revealing secret crushes to your friends, and at it’s most bawdy typically involves flashing people, and making dirty prank phone calls.

But PLL somehow managed to turn a simple game of Truth or Dare into a tantalizing game of Cat and Mouse, during which Rosewood’s two most intense residents, Spencer Hastings and Jenna Cavanaugh each tried to out interrogate one another.  And while the game, itself, didn’t exactly reveal to fans, anything they didn’t already know, it was still incredibly fun to watch . . .

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Snakes at a Fashion Show

Let’s face it.  Snakes are SCARY!  If they weren’t, nobody would have ever bothered to make a movie, who’s entire plot featured them slithering around on a plane.  So despite the fact, that I have no idea how anyone on the so-called A-team managed to (a) buy that kind of a snake; and (b) slip it into a box of clothing without anyone being any the wiser, the ick factor produced when Spencer opened that box, and that disgusting snake started nipping at her heels, had me squealing at my TV set.

But that wasn’t the best part.  The best part was when Cece Drake “rescued” Spencer though, honestly, it’s seems pretty obvious she had something to do with the darn thing being there in the first place by  . . . wait for it . . . beating the CRAP out of the snake with a MANNEQUIN LEG!  Girls got skills .  . .

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Child’s Play – Mona van der Waal Edition

I’m going to discuss Mona’s dialogue in this scene a bit more in depth in the “clues” section.  For now, I just wanted to fangirl a bit about this scene itself, and how it seemed custom-made to produce chills in anyone who happened to be watching at the time . . . from the abandoned corridor in the already creepy insane asylum . . . to the implication that there are enough Crazy Babies, and/or Crazy Mom’s with Babies for said insane asylum to have a Toddler’s Ward . . . to that terrifying way Mona had of stroking the dolls lovingly like that Creepy Ring Monster from Lord of the Rings, while speaking in this whisper-soft, sing-song voice that made you feel like, any minute, her head was going to start spinning around and green-stuff was going to pour out of her mouth . . In short, it was AWESOME!

Best one-liners

“Or, I’ll show my boobs and we’ll be news again.”

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Why: Because Drunk!Emily is always ten times more fun than Sober!Emily.  And because, no matter how old I get, the word “boobs,” still makes me cover my hand over my mouth and giggle like an eight-year old who just heard a “naughty word.”

“Bitch can see!”

Why: We’ve all known Blind Jenna could see for ages.  But there was something genuinely satisfying about having the girls FINALLY figure it out.  And Lucy Hale’s wide-eyed, yet uncharacteristically “street,” delivery of the line was priceless (and made me secretly want to watch Jenna and Aria “rumble” in the school parking lot.  For the record, my money would be on Aria.  She may be small, but she’s scrappy!

“When you baby squirrel Ezra, you are stealing his nuts.”

Just the images on Tumblr of Ian Harding’s head on a squirrel’s body that followed the episode in which this statement appeared, were enough to make me fall in love with this line.  Plus, once again, the eight-year old school girl in me, got a real kick about the fact that, no matter how you slice it, Spencer was talking to Aria about  Fitzy’s Man Parts . . .

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Best New Character – Cece Drake

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When you are coming onto a show in its third season as a new character, the deck is already stacked against you.  TV fans aren’t particularly known for being fond of change.  And chances are, the new character is being brought in to mess with their Ships, and Gal Pals, which makes it even harder for the Newbie to develop his or her own fanbase.

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I’ll be honest, I was all set to dislike Cece Drake, when her character was first introduced in the middle of the Season.  Though she was portrayed as a possible early muse for Ali, I thought for sure she’d be the straight-to-video version of a complex character I had actually grown to adore over the seasons.  However, as the season progressed, I developed a soft spot for Cece’s Fiercely-Loyal-Mean Girl-Who-Likes-to-Party-Persona.

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Of course, I don’t trust her, as far as I can throw her, but the PLL girls have all become SO serious lately, that it’s nice to throw a character into the mix, who clearly doesn’t give a rats about anything, but living in the moment, and having a good time.  Did I mention she MURDERED A SNAKE WITH A MANNEQUIN LEG?

Best Villain – Mona van der Waal

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As I mentioned earlier, I was one of the people, who were annoyed by the writer’s decision to stay loyal to the books, and make Mona “A.”  Though I thought Janel Parrish did a great job with the material she was given, during the first season, I thought her reveal as a Crazy Psychotic Loon in last season’s finale was too abrupt, and not necessarily believable.

Fast forward to season 3A, and Mona has become one of the best villains on TV.  Alternating from nearly comatose, to syrupy sweet, to oddly sympathetic, to creepily childlike, to batsh*t crazy, to EVIL!GENIUS MASTERMIND in the course of just twelve episodes, you never really knew what you were going to get, whenever Mona van der Waal appeared on screen.  But you always knew it was going to be spectacular . . .

Best clue- Mona’s secret code

Perhaps suffering from “A Fatigue,” I found it difficult to become invested in PLL during the first few episodes of Season 3A.  Basically, I just couldn’t bring myself to care all that much about which 5 or 6 suspicious-looking Rosewood residents stole Ali’s coffin, and took Drunk!Emily on a Wild Ride.  More on that later . . .

However, all that changed, during the episode “Crazy,” when Mona started speaking in her super special code.  Suddenly, I was like a Season 1 PLL fan again, re-watching scenes, stalking the message boards, and ravenously hunting through trade magazine for spoilers.  What I loved about this code, was that it never took fan’s intelligence for granted.  The PLL writers had enough faith that us fans would pick up on the hidden messages in the scene.  And we did, which made solving the mystery that much more fun . . .

Best flashback – The story of Pigskin

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If you’ve read this blog before, you might know that I was never Paige’s biggest fan.  (I belive the nickname “Little Orphan B*tchy” was used once or twice.  And while I’m still not 100% sold on the character, or her relationship with Emily, I adored the opportunity to delve deeper into her psyche this season.

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One of the best opportunities us fans had to get to know Paige better, was the flashback involving her and Ali.  Sure, it made Paige look a little crazypants, with those marks she left on Ali’s back (though, not nearly as crazy pants as she looked when she tried to DROWN EMILY), but it also explained  a heck of a lot about Paige’s treatment of Emily, and arguably disturbing behavior, during those early episodes.  I mean, how could you not sympathize with the poor girl, after Ali stole her love letter to Emily, thereby humiliating her in the worst, and most personal way possible?

Well, actually, this hair is more humiliating . . .

Oh, and she ended up NOT being Maya’s killer . . . so . . . that was nice . . .

THE BAD

Ah, yes . . . the Positivity Train has officially left the station . . . at least temporarily.  Here’s the part of the blog, where I talk about the aspects of Season 3A that I thought didn’t work, and dragged down an otherwise solid season . . .

Worst twist – Nate is Maya’s stalker / killer

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Come on now, PLL writers!  No one, for a second, believed that the super creepy, suspiciously appearing, and not the least bit interesting or likeable “Nate St. Germaine” was Maya’s real cousin, or anything, other than exactly what he turned out to be, Maya’s stalker / murderer.  So, the fact that this guy spent no less than twelve episodes, eating up screentime, with his fake Maya Memories, and his cringe-worthy attempts at “bonding with Emily,” were more frustrating than they were fascinating.  It also made Emily look like a TOTAL MORON (more on that later), for falling for his tricks . . .

Maybe if the writers (and the actor who played Nate) made the character look like a bit less of a lecher, from the get go, more of us would have actually been fooled by the guy . . .

Worst Plotlines –

PLL parents try dating 

Yeah, sorry.  Maybe this makes me sound ageist.  But I don’t watch PLL to see Ashley Marin date the Dull as Dishwater Deacon, or Byron Montgomery date that blonde twit student with whom he cheated on Ella.  And, yes, the American Pie Guy is hot and charming.  But I don’t watch PLL to see him makeout with Ella in the coffee shop either.  None of this has ANYTHING to do with Ali’s death or “A.”

Just sayin’ . . .

Emily’s “lost night”

So, let me get this straight.  Emily got roofied.  Then, she was picked up on the street by Jenna and Noel.  Then, she went to some restaurant with that dude who sort of/ kind of/ but not really dated Aria for one episode, and then pretty much disappeared forever.  Then, she went to Paige’s house, and made out with her a little bit. And THEN she went back to the cemetery, and watched the “A” team dig up a grave?

Ummm . . . am I missing something here?

Don’t get me wrong, I think the idea of Ali’s corpse being stolen, and Emily being framed for it, shows a lot of promise.  I just wish the writers managed the mystery in a more streamlined way, rather than going for the, throw in everything but the kitchen sink approach . . .

Worst clues –

The Ugly Earring

The real mystery for me, is why ANYONE in their right mind would wear that hideous earring, and not, how it ended up being Rosewood’s answer to the Traveling Pants, winding up under couch cushions, in graves, inside of lockers, and in Paige’s purse, all in the course of a single season . . .

Those lame final sequences

Remember when PLL final sequences were AWESOME?  Like the one that showed Lucas bashing the crap out of Ali’s memorial fountain . . . . or the one where “A” killed the Rat Named Spencer . . . or the one where “A” changed the Rosewood Population sign to imply that SOMEONE WOULD DIE TONIGHT!

Yeah . . . now, we’ve got “A” drinking booze, watching Wheel a Fortune, and listening to old songs on a jukebox.  Can you say, LAZY?

Worst new characters

Nate – SEE ABOVE. 🙂

Maggie

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Hey, I love Alex Mack as much as the next girl . . .

But I do not love the freaky, wide-eyed pixie version of her that Fitzy supposedly impregnated with his spawn.  And now, from what I hear, this is Aria’s New Competition?  Jackie 2.0?  Been there, done that, read the Cliff Notes for it . . . let’s move on . . .

Most Frustrating Character Development – The Dumbing Down of Emily

Oh, Emily.  Let’s face it, you were never the sharpest tool in the shed.  And we know academics have never been your strong suit, considering you were ALMOST LEFT BACK A GRADE.  But, in the course of a single season you, failed to mind your FLASK (NEVER LEAVE YOUR BOOZE UNATTENDED, GIRLFRIEND) . . . got roofied . . . lent your diseased flask to your girlfriend, WITHOUT WASHING IT, so that she could get roofied too (Now, that’s just unsanitary.), hung out with your dead other girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER, believed that your dead girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER was her cousin, despite the fact that he DIDN’T KNOW WHERE HER PARENTS LIVED, and SEEMED TO LOOOOOVE HER, IN A WAY COUSINS SHOULD NOT LOVE ONE ANOTHER, kissed your dead girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER, despite the fact that he was a TOTALLY DISGUSTING CREEPER, and finally, went to a cabin alone with your dead girlfriend’s OBVIOUS KILLER, despite the fact that he was a TOTALLY DISGUSTING CREEPER.

Maybe you just mistook your thinking cap for your swim cap this season, huh, Emily?

And, finally .  . .

THE TOBY

Ooh, talk about a shocking twist.  Coming off a season, where the Big Reveal of who “A” Was shocked almost NOBODY, Season 3A’s final moments legitimately surprised EVERYONE!  Who would have suspected that Spencer’s stalwart Rock . . . the man who supported her crazy, fell off a scaffold for her, played endless games of Scrabble with her, humped her many times in his truck, and took her virginity, would also be one of her biggest enemies?

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And that look on his face, as he donned that hoodie, and ran off into the night . . . SUPER CREEPY.

Of course, the implications of this discovery are HUGE.  WHY did Toby do it?  How long has he been doing it?  And, perhaps most importantly, did he ever really care about Spencer at all?

It’s interesting how, of all the PLL girls it was the one least likely to trust others, who let The Enemy literally get underneath her skin . . .

But I guess all is fair, in love and A . . .  Until next season, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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MOUNTAIN ASSSSHHHHHHHH! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 2 Finale “Master Plan”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining.  The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths (though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]

In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .

“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS.  Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”

When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field.  (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)

Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy.  Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.

“Ooh!  Can I come along?  Can I?  Can I?  This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!

Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy.  But hey!  It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.  (For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)

“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son.  Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son.  (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”

So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!

Later, we are at the morgue.  And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson!  (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty.  And I know you’re lonely.  But, trust me, girl.  You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)

“I just want to be loved, dammit!  Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”

Oh, that’s right!  I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet!  You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably.  In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .

As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff.  (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.”  But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)

Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.

“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”

Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .

One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co.  They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment.  And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .

What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?

Oops . . . too late.


Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards.  Do they really have teeth like that?  Because . . . yuck.

Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.”  Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .

In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .

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Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type.  (Geez!  How many Argents are there in this town?  Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . .  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott.  Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)

After belly flopping on the hard cold ground (What’s the matter?  Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents?  Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .

This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .

Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity.  And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out.  (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back.  Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .

Oh hey!  Gerard has joined this party!  He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).

“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”

Seriously, Teen Wolf?  Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid?  Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies?  What’s next?  Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?

What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least.  This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers?  If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist?   I’m serious.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .

Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location.  However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky.  Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott?  Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .

“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now.  If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”

That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . .  . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy.  I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face.  Clearly, the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .

Don’t be sad, Stiles.  Chicks dig scars . . .

Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.

And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode.  (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)

I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!

At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom .  . .

In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s  . . .

Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night.  And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?

*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here.  This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.

In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .

I mean, it just had so much potential!  Think about it.  The couple is alone in the bedroom.  They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . .  It could have been EPIC.

It wasn’t . . .

Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .

“Come on!  Kiss me, you fool.  This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”

Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .

Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back?  But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?

Well, Lydia certainly remembers.  And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key.  After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy.  And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner.  And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .

“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”

Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV!  You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks.  Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.

“Hi Teen Wolf fans.  Check out my MACY’S bags.  Because I shop at MACY’S.  Yes, MACY’S.  (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”

“Ah-ha!”  Stydia fans say!  Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?

Yep, that’s the one . . .

Except, we don’t . . .

But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry from Macy’s!  Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .

“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.

(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills.  Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)

Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .

But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY!  I was MAD!

Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .

“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”

Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own.  He finds it selfish  . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .

See, it all comes full circle . . .

Now, me?  If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .

Lydia?  She left . . .

It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .

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Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve.  But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski.  You get an “A” for effort.

Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .

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Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale.  So, I’m not going to complain.  But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?

Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?

After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet).  So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?

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No matter.  This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.

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Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . .   Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .

Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .

I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video.  Wouldn’t you?

In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .

Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .

Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch.  At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles.  And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .

She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .

Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow.  B*tch totally deserved it . . .

Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .

As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima.  He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .

Rumble in the Were-House!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.

“What, and mess up this hairdo?  Seriously!”

There’s a twist though.  The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.

“Come on!  Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”

That’s right, Werebangers.  It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.

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As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek.  Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .

SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”

DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA!  He’s wrinkly.  Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”

How’s that for a surprise!  You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer.  And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .

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Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite.  The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .

“Huzzah!  I’m bleeding black blood!  HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”

 . . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .

Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .

BUT WHY?  You might be wondering . . .

Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!

This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea.  Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .

Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .

AHHH!  MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE.  Come on!  How could you NOT laugh at that?  That’s friggin hilarious.  Here, let’s watch it again . . .

Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess.  And we THINK he’s dead.  But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.”  See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .

In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .

Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .

Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all.  She gives Jackson his key.

“What, no flat screen TV?  Cheap B*tch!”

The pair then flashback to “better days” . . .  you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .

Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .

So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!

Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Are you ticklish?  I bet you are!  *tickle, tickle, tickle*  Oops!  Damn claws!”

Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self.  We’ll miss you, Jackson!  Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .

Buuuuut, suddenly,  Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music.  Now, his ass lit up like the SUN!  It’s GLORIOUS!

“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”

Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .

You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .

“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”

Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage?  Tune in next season to find out . . .

Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again.  And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .

Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .

In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .

I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE.  There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf .  . . that sneaky bastard.  First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well .  . .

Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S (though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.

THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing.  (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)

“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”

Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .

He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog  . . .

FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂

And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell.  And that was our Season.  I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)).  It’s truly been a blast!  See ya next season, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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Where’s Waldorf? – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Back-up Dan”

“Yes, my New York Post functions as a passport, a credit card, and lining for my cat’s litter box.  I’m a princess, now.  I can do whatever the f*&k I want!” 

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  It’s time for another exciting installment of: The Princess . . . The Robot  .  . . The Donut . . . and The Dark Night . . .

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(Guess which half I care about?)

I’m Leaving on a Jet Blue Plane . . .

When we last left our new Princess of Monaco, she had just temporarily escaped the nefarious, and perpetually unintelligible, Robot Prince, and was hiding away in a clown car . . . driven by a Donut.

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“Oh crap, you mean this isn’t a cab?”

Together with the Donut, the Princess traveled to a Major New York Airport, where she was shocked to find that PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY STARING AT HER!  Surely, this had nothing to do with the fact that she was wearing a BIG POOFY WEDDING DRESS AND TIARA.

“OMG . . . that’s Blair Waldorf . . . and boy, that car accident really did a number on Chuck Bass’ face and hair, Poor Guy!”

“Ummm . . . I think that’s actually Dan Humphrey she’s with.”

“Really?  WHY???

“In a few seconds, it’s going to be Bieber Fever,” gripes the Princess, raising her arms in aggravation at the unwashed leering masses.  (She might also have been referring to Dan Humpty Dumpty’s hair . . .)

BLAIR: “Can I brush it, pretty please!”

DONUT: “I tried a few times.  The hairbrushes never made it out alive.  I have reason to believe some of them are hiding in my brain.” 

Aghast at the rudeness of nosy travelers, the Princess stomps around a bit, and barks orders to the donut.  “Donut!”  She says.  “Get me a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic, so that I can annul my marriage to Louis-bot, because the Domican Republic does not recognize human-cyborg unions.”

“Go forth, my minion.  And, if you are successful, I will permit you to eat lunch with the cool kids on the steps of the Met .  . . for three minutes and thirty seconds.” 

Had the Donut been a person, as opposed to a pastry, he might have gently reminded the Princess that, in the interest of privacy, it would make much more sense to order plane tickets online from his iPhone, while tucked safely behind the tinted windows of the clown car.  But instead, Donut just sighs dramatically (as Donut tends to do), and shakes his frizzy head back and forth (as Donut also tends to do).

“She frustrates me . . . and yet, I still have this strange urge to bone her.  Dammit weiner!  This is all your fault.” 

Speaking of the Princess, it finally occurs to her that she might need an item of clothing that ‘s NOT a wedding dress, in order to pass through security unnoticed.  (Plus, given how heavy her gown looks, it’s highly likely she would have had to pay for two plane tickets, should she decide to wear it in-flight.)  First, the Princess tries to borrow some clothing from a “commoner.”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Complete Stranger, tights are NOT pants.”

 Initially, said commoner is thrilled at the thought of being approached by a REAL Princess.  But then she takes one look at the Donut, and determines that a REAL Princess would never associate herself with such a fatty food item.  “You’re terrible,” says the commoner, to the Donut.

And in that moment . . . another Chair fan was born . . . 

Cue the sighing of the Donut . . . and the head shaking . . .

Now, the Princess is forced to get her royal sweatshirt and sweatpants at the not-so-royal gift shop.  I suspect this experience was a rather unusual one for the Princess, who’s idea of a “gift shop” is the service counter at Harry Winston wear a certain wedding ring from a Dark Knight is still waiting patiently for her return.

Meanwhile, the Donut rolls over to a kindly attendant at Jet Blue (product placement alert!) and purchases the Princess a ticket in . . . GASP . . . COACH!

“Oh the humanity!”  

Shortly thereafter, the Princess returns, decked out in her new incognito tourist garb.  However, since said garb does not include one of those face masks gang members use to rob banks, she is only slightly less recognizable than she was before.

Only Blair Waldorf could make this look good . . .

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Ah!  But here’s the problem.  In her haste to leave the Evil Robot Prince, our Princess seems to have forgotten her passport!

No worries!  Blair Waldorf is a Princess!  And everyone knows that Princesses are free to use newspaper headlines as passports!  Oh wait . . . they aren’t?  Well, it sure was a nice try!  The Princess contacts her lady-in-waiting Dorota promptly in order to rectify this pesky no passport, no luggage problem.  Meanwhile, Little Donut calls Big Donut to tell him about all the fun adventures he’s having with the Princess.  “Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone,” says the Donut, knowing full well that his father, though kindly, has a bigger mouth than Gossip Girl, herself . . .

“Could you say that again, a bit slower?  I’m taking notes so that I could use this in my Facebook Status Update.” 

The Princess, of course, is furious about this.  She remarks conversationally that her mother never got botox, and therefore, has an emoticon for a face.  How interesting, I would think that GETTING botox would make one look more like an emoticon, not less.  Emoticon faces are always so enviably wrinkle-free!

Meanwhile, back at the wedding that was . . . then wasn’t . . . then was again . . .

The Case of the Missing Princess

Amazing, isn’t it?  How Blair managed to escape her own super dramatic, off and on, wedding without anyone noticing, least of all her supposed best friend, S?  Serena’s been asking EVERYONE about the whereabouts of the new princess, as Madonna’s Like a Virgin, ironically strums in the background.  (I suspect Serena hasn’t been a virgin since age 10.)

When Serena meets up with Blair’s mother, the latter asks her if Blair seems happy with Louis-bot?  You know, because the public release of a tape, in which her daughter admitted she was madly in love with someone else, and only marrying the robot for “religious reasons,” hasn’t truly clued her in to her child’s true state of mind . . .

Serena responds to this inquiry, as per usual, by looking confused, and mildly put off . .  .

“I am confused, and mildly put off . . .” 

Next up is Chuck, who also has no clue where Princess Blair has gone off too. Serena suggests that perhaps, the Princess went to the roof, Hangover style, to eat a tab of E, and go hang out with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger.

Is it a far-fetched idea?  Absolutely.  But, then again, if you were forced to spend an eternity with Louis-bot, wouldn’t you too contemplate taking a long leap off of something VERY, VERY HIGH?

Chuck then receives a call from his hotel, informing him that Blair is in his apartment.  Let the dirty Chair-centric thoughts ensue . . .

Serena and Chuck find the third member of the NJBC outside hitting on the Help, a.k.a. Lola, a.k.a.  the REAL Charlie Rhodes, a.k.a. apparently, the only  caterer girl in the Upper East Side.  Nate helps Caterer Girl carry heavy crates, because he thinks this will show her that he is “strong . . . . like . . . bull” and therefore, an animal beneath the sheets . . .

“I can also lift these crates with my Other Arm, if you catch my drift . . .” 

Lola seems to buy the act, quite easily.  And when Nate’s friends come, and ask for help driving the getaway car to free their friend the Runaway Bride, she jumps on the opportunity to join the hilarity  . . . you know, because it sure beats mopping red wine and vomit off of table 2 . . .

Hey, if Louis-bot chops Blair up into teeny tiny pieces with his claw hand, is there any chance I could take her spot as fourth member of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club?”

Over at Chuck’s place, the NJBC and Lola are shocked to find that the new inhabitant of Chuck’s home is not Blair, at all, but rather not-Gossip Girl Georgina!

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Nate, ever the polite gentleman takes it upon himself to make introductions.  “She is pretty much the worst person you will ever meet.  Therefore, try to avoid eye contact at all times.”  (Solid advice).

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“What have you done with Blair?”  Chuck asks defensively, possibly suspecting Georgina of vicious acts of cannibalism, lesbianism, or some mixture of the two . . .

“I will cut you, Georgina.  (I have knives hidden in my bowtie.)” 

“Why do you always assume my motives are nefarious?”  Georgina asks nefariously.

She claims to know where Blair has disappeared, and offers her services in the interest of plot development good faith.

Shortly thereafter, Serena calls the Donut, who pretends he’s still partying away at the wedding he left hours ago.  Did I mention that the Donut really likes to boogie . . . an impressive feet, when your arms are made with a mixture of dough, powdered sugar, and jelly.  He also just so happens to be feigning amnesia of that little instance in which Serena professed her love to him, and he responded by looking at her as if she announced, “I slaughter puppies . . . really cute ones . . . just smash in their heads with blunt objects . . .  one by one.”

“Gotta go potty,” Donut concludes, ending the call in a way that would make a recently potty-trained three-year old proud.

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Soul-crushing rejection aside, Serena still fully and completely believes her unrequited lover that Blair left her wedding with Louis-bot, and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.  Silly Serena!  Haven’t you been watching this show for the past five years? Don’t you know that nothing anyone says on the phone on this show is EVER truthful?

Count on Georgina to set Serena straight on the true motivations of her NOT-boy toy . . .  But before she can impart anymore wisdom, Georgina receives intel on Dorota’s whereabouts and exits stage left . . .

As if on cue, Serena finds Blair’s phone, on which are multiple texts from Louis-bot, inquiring as to her whereabouts.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if Louis-bot texts in unintelligible gibberish too?

In which we hear the word “dowry” more times in an hour than we will probably ever hear it in our entire lives . . .

Back at the wedding, Louis-bot is still unsuccessfully pretending he has a soul . . . and a personality.  Mama-bot then calls him on his cell phone, which, of course, he has in his pocket, probably because he uses it to keep his robot self fully-charged.

“Domo arregato, Mr. Louis-boto.” 

There were a few things about this conversation that I found hilarious (1) Louis-bot needs his mother to inform him that his bride left the reception hours ago; (2) Mama-bot is only slightly more intelligible than her son, so when they speak, it sounds like a chorus of sheep at a petting zoo . . . (3) Mama-bot rips Louis-bot a new one, for revealing his true Evil Cyborg self prior to the wedding, as opposed to after Blair was already pregnant with a brand new copy of his devil spawn . . .

“Even I can’t understand what my son is saying, half the time.”

“I feauh zat ze may haf leyf” says Louis-bot, in response (Translation: I fear that she may  have left.)

Since Louis-bot is patently incapable of donig anything for himself, including, bot not limited to: having sex with a woman, wiping his own behind, blowing his nose to evacuate boogies, and oiling his various meal parts, Mama-Bot decides to take the reigns and investigate, Blair’s disappearance for herself.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!” 

She visits with Mama Waldorf, who doesn’t find it at all odd that the woman who her daughter just publicly humiliated, by admitting to everyone that she doesn’t really love his son.  Eventually, however, she completely abandons the facade, and resorts to petty threats.  According to Mama-Bot, Blair has to stay true to her marriage to Louis-bot for at least a year, or risk activating the “dowry” portion of the agreement, which would pretty much bleed the Waldorf family completely dry of cash . . .

Then, Blair might have to resort to wearing flannel pajamas from Walmart, like this . . . 

Ummmm . . . wait a second here . . . correct me, if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t Blair’s getting an annulment render the entire prenuptial agreement null and void, since there would no longer be any “nuptials” to speak of?  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo . . . Mama Waldorf is understandably freaked out by Mama-Bot’s threats, as ignorant of the law as they might be . . .

Meanwhile, Georgina attacks Dorota,  and locks her Blair’s walk-in shoe closet, which, as far as prisons go, doesn’t seem like a bad place to be imprisoned . . .  I suspect she did this to keep Dorota from warning Blair that Georgina was on her tail.

“Oh no, please don’t put me in a room with one million dollars worth of shoes!” 

And yet, it seems like a rather excessive thing to do, simply to get a scoop on a story, don’t you think?

Back at the airport, Princess Blair awakens to the puddle of drool she left on Donut’s shoulder, and a news briefing in which Louis-bot pleads with the masses to help him find Blair, because she, “Haz nut bien hershelf ladelley” (Translation: Has not been herself, lately)

Well, Louis-bot, this is something on which we agree . . .

At least on television, he comes with subtitles . . . 

Donut Dan suggests that Blair come with him to a hotel so that they can have the sex he’s dreamed of having with her, every night for the past year  won’t be discovered.  Off they go!

Nate Archibald doesn’t DATE liars .  . . this week.

Back over in the storyline that none of us care about all that much, Nate . . . who seems much more interested in getting laid, than in finding his bestie Blair . . . is shocked when Lola asks him for . . . wait for it A BEER!  Beer?  Nate thinks to himself.  Poor people are so interesting, with their peculiar drinking habits.

“You drink it out of a CAN?!  Aren’t you afraid of cutting your lip on the opening?”

While Nate tries to figure out what exactly a BEER is, and whether he can make one from the $700 bottle of scotch, Chuck has hidden on the top shelf, Lola takes a call.  “OH HI MOM, CAROL RHODES!”  Lola says loudly enough for the entire Upper East Side to hear her. “Oh, I’m here in Michigan studying for an exam, and definitely not flirting with an Archibald who used to bone your niece!  Gotta run!  Toodles!”

Overhearing this causes Nate to make this face . . .

He asks Lola who was on the phone.  And she promptly responds that it was her boss, despite having screamed “MOM,” into the phone multiple times throughout the conversation.

“Gotta go potty,” Nate says, no longer nearly as interested in getting into Lola’s underoos as he was a few moments ago . . . either that or he just couldn’t figure out that whole beer thing . . .

“Are you effing kidding me, guy who slept with your ex girlfriend’s boyfriend’s mother, and the woman who might possibly be your best friend’s mother?” 

And that would be the end of this boring happy couple.  But FATE steps in, in the form of Lola doing a random “flower delivery” job at Lily VDW’s house.  Of course, Lola starts rambling on about “not dating boys named Nate” . . . you know, because that’s what you do on flower delivery jobs, tell your client about your love life, in great detail.  Lily, of course,  picks up on the fact that Lola is referring to Nate.  So, she decides to call him, and see if she can’t play a little matchmaker.  Nevermind the fact that Lily knows next-to-nothing about her would-be-niece, save for her name.

You might want to work on your own kid’s love life first . . .  just sayin. 

A little thing like this would never stop Lily from helping he daughter’s ex boyfriend get laid.  What a great mother she is!

In the end, Nate explains to Lola his whole pet peeve about “lying people.”  And, really, you can’t blame the guy.  I mean his cousin DID try to kill him.  That’s going to give anyone trust issues!

“If it’s any consolation, I only did it, because I’m a genuinely terrible person!” 

But alas, all that hard work, and Nate still has to go home with a pair of these  . . .

“I’m interested in hearing about your world.  I’m just not sure I want to be in it.”

Oooh!  Rejected!  But hey, you could always go back and find Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena!  I hear she’s an easy lay!

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What have I done to deserve Donut?

Now at the hotel, Dan and Blair are bickering, because Dan thinks Blair treats him like crap, by running to HIM, only when she needs a place to hide, and Chuck when she wants AMAZING SEX and UNPARALLELLED LOVE.  In response, Blair responds that the Donut should really be nicer to her, considering she’s been having pretty much the Worst Year Ever.  “I hope someone yells at you on your special day,” Blair retorts.

This, of course, prompts Dan to bring up the whole “Dair fanfiction” thing.  You know, the book Dan wrote about a hotter, smarter, cooler, version of himself hooking up with Blair?  The book she NEVER actually read?  Fortunately, this irksome conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door .  . . but not a Dorota knock, because she’s “a stickler for shave and a hair cut.”

It’s THESE GUYS!

Thanks to Dorota, Serena and Chuck located the missing Blair, and are ready to help her escape the Evil Louis-bot.  “You ran away with Humphrey, and he took you here?” Chuck says,  crinkling his nose in disgust at the shabby hotel accommodations.  (Ahhh . . . I love Chuck!)

“I know, right?”  Blair replies.

Surprise!  Here comes Georgina with her trusty camera. This girl is EVERYWHERE, isn’t she?  After snapping, a GG-sized picture of the reunited foursome, Nu-Gossip Girl casually lets it slip that it was Serena who leaked the video of Blair’s conversation with Chuck to Gossip Girl.  Serena quickly cops to the charge, much to Blair’s horror.

Ever the Chair shipper, Serena claims to have done this to save their love.  (HOORAY!)  She also claims to be really hurt that Blair ran away with Dan, the man Serena luuuuuuves . . . at least for today . . .when she SHOULD have been running away with Serena.  You have to admit, girlfriend has a point.  That was pretty darn stone cold Blair and Donut!

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Speaking of people Blair should have turned to in her time of need, aside from Donut, Chuck immediately offers to hire Blair a plane to the Dominican Republic.  Now, THAT’S more like it.  But . . . cue Darth Vader music . . . because Mama Bot is now in the building, making this hotel officially the WORST HIDING PLACE EVER . . . possibly even worse than hiding in a major airport with a wedding dress!

“They will never find me here.” 

“Gozip Gurl, knows more about you zen ur own muzzer,” says Mama-Bot (Translation: Gossip Girl knows more about you than your own mother.)

Cue that dowry talk again zzzzzzzzzzz!

“When and if we get together, it has to be as equals.”

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It’s time for our weekly Chair scene.  No matter how similarly these scene might be written to one another, the delivery, familiarity, and delivery is always flawless.  Chuck promises to protect Blair .  . . to pay the dowry . . . to do whatever it takes to protect her from Louis-bot, and keep her from being unhappy with a man who doesn’t love and respect her.  He reminds her that her pact with the Lord was broken the day she ran out on the wedding.  And yet, he’s still here, alive . . . well . . . and incredibly HOT!

But just as Blair said, during the couple’s epic and gut-punching breakup, during Witches of Bushwick, Blair cannot enter into a relationship with Chuck, beholden to him.  She wants them to be together as equals, so that there is never any distrust or resentment between them.  She promises Chuck that Louis-bot will never never touch her . . . she means this, obviously, in more ways than one.

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“Louis won’t be the end of me,” she says, once again, leaving Chuck alone and heartbroken.

But Blair has more apologizing to do.  So, she goes down to the bar and apologizes to Dan, for taking advantage of him, and never reading his fanfiction.  She even apologizes for making fun of his ridiculous hair, and tells him she knows he wrote Louis-bot’s wedding vows.  It’s all happiness, and Golden Girls, and “thank you for being a friend.”  They hug.  Donut once again promises he will be there for the next time she needs something jelly filled and doughy to lean on  . . .   How generous and donuty of him!

AMIGO SUPREMO! 

She “knows what she has to do’ . . . no matter how senseless, silly, and ridiculous it might be.

Back at the Waldorf house, Mama Waldorf is making me proud again, by sticking up to the BOTS!  She tells them she will sell her business, spend any amount of money, and do whatever it takes to not have the robots own the humans.  (I’ve seen a few horror movies with this as the exact premise.)  Then, Blair comes by, and says she’ll marry Louis-bot, so as not to subject her mother to financial ruin.

It’s martyric .  . . and a little dumb, because we all know there are so many ways out of this . . . the most obvious one being hiring a LAWYER.  Hey, isn’t one of Blair’s many dads one of those?

But my current theory is that someone has tape of what Louis-bot said to Blair about their marriage being in name only, on the night of the wedding.  And THAT, my friends, will be Louis-bot’s downfall.  Either that, or he’ll get run over by a pack of wild elephants.  Please tell me they have those in Monaco.  Now, that’s something I’d really like to see.  Throw his Mommy in their too, while we are at it .  . .

Oh, did I mention that Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, but rather, just a substitute, since the REAL GG stopped posting, around the time of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident?

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I think most of us probably figured that out already.  But it’s actually nice to have the mystery of GG remain a mystery, at least for  a little while longer.   And hey, it still could end up being someone totally random, like Beer-drinking Lola!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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STOP . . . THAT . . . WEDDING – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s 100th Episode, “G.G.”

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Greetings, Upper East Siders!  And welcome to the game show, Stop That Wedding.  During this Game Show, a number of contestants will try to stop Blair Waldorf’s wedding to the evil, and often incomprehensible, troll cyborg, Louis-bot.

Meanwhile, viewers at home will try to guess which contestant will ultimately be successful in stopping this wedding.  Since this IS the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, we have a special prize today for the viewer at home, who correctly guesses which contestant stops the wedding.  Tell them what they will win, Bob!

It’s . . . LIMO SEX with Chuck Bass!

Haha! Just kidding!  Everyone knows that if Blair Waldorf’s wedding is successfully stopped, the only person who will be having limo sex with Chuck Bass, for the rest of eternity, will be . . . of course .  . . Blair Waldorf.  But hey, if you win, I’ll be sure to give you a nice big hug.  OK?

So, grab your buzzers, boutineers and bridal bouquets, because it’s time to play STOP . . . THAT . . . Wedding!

Except that it actually did . . . 😦 

Getting Wiggy with It!

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It looks like our first contestant of the evening is none other than Blair’s best friend and maid of honor, Serena van der Woodsen.  When the episode begins, she is dreaming that she’s Marilyn Monroe, with a REALLY BAD WIG!  In the dream, she’s singing “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend,” in an oddly-accented voice, while Chuck Bass, Donut Dan, Nate, Louis-bot, and a bunch of never-to-be-seen-again male extras dance around her, attempting to win her favor.  Then, Blair arrives as Audrey Hepburn and takes Chuck Dan away.

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(Interestingly enough, in most of Blair’s dream sequences, she is also Audrey Hepburn.  But in those dreams, it usually tends to be Serena taking sh*t from her.  Go figure!)

Well, clearly this dream has turned into a nightmare . . . both for our first contestant, Serena, who, for some inexplicable reason, has decided she’s madly in love with the Donut again .  . . and for viewers at home, who know that the only person Blair should be “taking away” is Chuck.  Under the circumstances, can we  really blame Serena for waking up in a cold sweat?

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Now, dream sequences are super cheesy and kind of annoying adorable.  And this one ended with Blair running off with someone other than her robot betrothed.  So, that’s good, right?  However, dreams, unfortunately, cannot stop weddings.  And so, our first (unconscious) attempt of the hour at stopping Blair’s wedding is met with a LOSER BUZZER . . .

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Don’t despair, Serena.   You will get another chance to play, later on in the episode!

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Awakening Serena, is none other than Blair’s trusty housekeeper / erstwhile sidekick / notorious Chair shipper, Dorota.  Could she be our second contestant, folks?

Nope!  Unfortunately for Dorota fans, the writers seem to have lobotomized Dorota, in honor of Blair’s wedding day.  Because our normally feisty maid is as excited about Blair’s impending nuptials as  . . . well . . . actually no one . . . because no one else really seems to want it to happen, including Blair, herself.  Now, even though Dorota technically isn’t playing the game, I’d say this definitely deserves a LOSER BUZZER!

Meanwhile, father and son, Humpty Humphrey Squared, are enjoying a scrumptious breakfast of Cynicism and Gloom (a Humphrey Specialty).  Rufus wants to know if the Donut is planning to pull a Graduate, i.e. stop the wedding and runaway with the bride.  Donut responds that everyone knows that Blair loves Chuck.  Why on Earth would she run away with me?  such shenanigans seem more up Chuck Bass’ alley, than his own.  From your lips to the Lord’s ears, Donut . . .

Forgive me, Father, for I have Montezuma’s Revenge . . .

Over at the Empire Hotel, Chuck and Bad!Priest are also enjoying a healthy breakfast, while they jointly plot the demise of Blair’s wedding.  This would make them Contestants 2 and 3, respectively, in our exciting game.  Bad!Priests gives Chuck some choir boy garb, which he claims will help him get into the wedding unnoticed.  Riiiiiight . . . because, once Chuck is wearing a black robe, no one is possibly going to be able to recognize HIS FACE.

Where exactly did this guy get his Seminary School degree?  Sesame Street?

Bad!Priest also apparently plans to put a sleeping pill in another priest’s food, so that he, himself, can replace him, in the performance of Blair and Louis-bot’s wedding ceremony.  Then, when Bad!Priest asks if anyone contests the marriage, Chuck will rise and tell the world that he heard Blair CONFESS that she is actually in love with him.

OK, I’m confused, why exactly does this plan require drugging the other priest?  Wouldn’t the other priest also ask if anyone contests the marriage, especially since it’s  . . . oh, I don’t know PART OF A TRADITIONAL WEDDING CEREMONY ?

This whole drugging the other priest thing just seems unnecessarily mean.  So, now, of course, I’m rooting for Contest 3, Bad!Priest to lose this game . . . well, as long as someone else stops the wedding, of course.  (If no one else can do it, I’m Team Bad!Priest, all the way . . .)

But worry not, Upper East Siders, it’s Chuck Bass to the rescue!  You see, all this time, he’s been serving Bad!Priest water from Mexico.  And you know what happens to people who drink water from Mexico, who don’t actually live there, right? MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE!  Been there, done that, sent the postcard . . . And I wouldn’t wish it any Priest, no matter how Bad!

Yep, Bad!Priest now has the squirts, and is apparently out of the game.  Thanks for playing, Bad!Priest.  You won’t be going home, empty handed, however.  As a consolation prize, we’d like to offer you a box of Immodium and a gas mask . . .  And, hey, for what it’s worth, the Church would probably frown on your having limo sex with Chuck Bass, anyway . . .

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Elsewhere, Georgina Sparks is walking through the park dressed like the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.

She blames Blair Waldorf for basically ruining her life.  So, of course, she desperately wants to stop the wedding, not realizing that this would actually be a REALLY good thing for Blair.  Georgina meets up with Bad!Priest on the way to the port-a-potty, and begins plotting with the Flatulent Father.  In doing so, she picks up the much-coveted title of Contestant Number 4 . . .

“Jesus owes me one,” Georgina explains, as she finishes explaining her plans to bone Louis-bot, just moments before the wedding is set to take place.

WOAH!  Talk about taking one for the Team . . .

(By the way, I guess we are supposed to assume that Louis-bot has “working anatomy,” because he, like, apparently, knocked Blair up, and stuff.  But the jury’s still out for me.  I also can’t help but wonder what an “O” face must look like, on a guy who’s completely incapable of showing any form of human emotion, whatsoever . . .)

“Those sparks coming from between my legs mean I must be aroused.”

Speaking of the android groom . . .

Lucky Louis-bot

“Iyyy em the lookiesth mienn een the wuryild,” says Louis-bot (Translation: I am the luckiest man in the world.)

Note that he says this line, with about as much excitement as most of us would say, “I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.”

Serena smiles graciously, while, on the inside she would very much like to cut Louis-bot’s bot-head off with a meat cleaver.  (That would be ONE way to stop the wedding!)  Stepford Dorota reminds Serena that, one day, she too will find someone who loves her, as much as Chuck Louis-bot loves Blair.  Well, that’s aspirational!

Personally, I think Serena could find household appliances, who love her more than Louis-bot loves Blair.  But I digress.  Elsewhere Louis-bot and his mother are slow dancing.  Will SHE be a contestant in our game?  It certainly wouldn’t be the first time she tried to stop her son’s nuptials . . .

Apparently, not.  You see, Mama Bot is now super excited about this union.  And why not?  That good ole car accident that murdered Blair’s baby, and nearly killed Chuck sure was great for publicity!  She figures that the fact that Louis-bot is still willing to marry this “damaged goods” woman will make him a martyr, in the eyes of the public.

Wow, step aside Bad!Priest.  Evil has a new name, and it rhymes with Mother Chucker . . .

“I kin beleef yuuu errr sayink theez, moderr” scolds Louis-Bot.  (Translation: I can’t believe you are saying this, Mother.)

And if I understood one word he was saying, I suspect I might actually agree with him . . .

Oh, did I mention that Donut Dan is going to step in as Louis-bot’s best man and Serena’s escort, because Louis-bot has no human friends ‘s real best man got “called away at the last minute?”

Congratulations, Serena!  You might not win this game, but your chances of getting laid on Blair’s wedding night, just increased, tenfold . . .

But wait . . . Blair has just arrived at the Waldorf manse, wearing what looks like a cupcake on her head.

(Seriously, the hats people were wearing throughout this episode were positively ridiculous.  Just because Fergie’s kids wore toilet bowls and balloon animals on their heads for the last royal wedding, doesn’t mean EVERYONE has to do it.  Just sayin . . .)

Blair drags Serena into her room, in hopes that Serena will help her chase away some of the butterflies and nausea that come along with making the WORST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE.  Serena complies with the most prophetically awful words anyone on a TV show could say: “What could possibly go wrong?”

Sneaky Serena . . . you might win this contest, yet . . .

In which everyone who isn’t Blair wonders why they are still single . . .

It should come as no surprise to you long-time Gossip Girl fans that Nate Archibald’s storyline for this week, is entirely self-serving, and completely disconnected from the  actual plot of this episode.  Slutty boy that he is, Nate tries to hit on the catering girl, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be the REAL Charlie Rhodes.

“My plan is to bang all the relatives of every cast member on this show . . . and their pets, of course . . . Monkey.”

Of course, he loses major points by not remembering her name.  But “Lola” really shouldn’t take that too personally.  Here are some other things that Nate often forgets:  (1) his own name; (2) his address; (3) how to add and subtract; (4) to put on underwear, before leaving the house . . .

Anywhoo . . . Lola gets points for being spunky, and calling Nate out on his crap.  It’s just too bad she has to be wearing an unflattering tuxedo, while she’s doing it . . .

Moments later, Donut Dan emerges from the rehearsal breakfast.  So, Nate starts griping to him, about how he once thought he’d be married to Blair.  But now he’s been single for an entire episode.  So, clearly his life must be over.

NATE: “I heard this rumor, that if you go over a week, without having sex your weiner shrivels up and falls off.”

DAN: *whistles uncomfortably* 

“Maybe that’s my problem,” Nate muses. “I pay too much attention to the wrong guest star   woman old enough to be my mother   supervillain girl.”

Donut Dan surmises that Nate has many worse problems than that.  But Donut Dan isn’t exactly Casanova, himself.  So, he really shouldn’t be talking right now.  Nate notes how weird things have become on the Upper East Side, when the most honest man they know is Chuck Bass.  (Well, actually, it’s not so weird . . . especially, when you consider the fact that Nate and Donut don’t seem to know any other men, aside from eachother and Chuck Bass . . .)

“Sometimes, I wear this mask, so Nate will think I’m someone else . . .” 

Speaking of Chuck, Nate and Dan call him to make sure he’s not going to stop the wedding.  STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING!  STOP THE WEDDING!  Chuck calmly tells Nate that he has no intention of stopping Blair’s wedding, and would much prefer spending the day walking his dog.  (Unfortunately, this is not a euphemism for sex or self-pleasuring.  What a fun scene THAT would be!)

Of course, if you believe that, I have a bridge I can sell you in Brooklyn, right outside Humpty Humphrey’s apartment . . .

In which, Blair’s mother redeems herself for five seasons of absentee parenting, in one single AWESOME gesture . . .

As Blair settles into her wedding gown (but never brushes her hair, which has oddly started to take on a sort of Insane Mountain Woman look), she tries to play matchmaker with her Maid of Honor, instructing Serena to buck up and tell Dopey Donut how she really feels about him.  (Ahh . . . honesty.  Blair might want to start taking her own advice, for a change.)

A time of self-reflection? 

But when Blair’s mother arrives to bid her daughter the best of luck, Blair suddenly suffers a panic attack, and begs to be removed from her wedding dress.  Her daughter’s seemingly allergic reaction to the thought of marrying the Cyborg Prince prompts a realization in Elinor Waldorf.

Usually when a bride yells, ‘Get it off.  Get it off,’ on her wedding night, it’s for another reason, entirely . . .” 

Apparently, she had the same reaction to her doomed-to-fail marriage to Blair’s gay dad, but not to her nuptials with the adorably dorky, Cyrus Rhodes.

“I have a last minute errand to run,” say Elinor, before promptly exiting, stage left.

The next time we see Mama Waldorf, she is standing in Chuck Bass’ open doorway . . .  Before Chuck can protest, Mama awesomely gulps down his glass of mid-afternoon scotch in a single gulp.  “I don’t want my daughter to wait to be happy.  When I was in the church, I kept feeling like there was something I had forgotten.  Than, I realized what it was  . . . you . . .”

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That’s right, Upper East Siders.  It seems Dark Horse Contestant, Elinor Waldorf has just moved herself to the front of the fray.  Will SHE be the one to stop her daughter’s wedding?  Only time will tell . . .

A Head for Scheming, and a Body for Screwing

At the Church, Lily is wearing a toilet bowl cleaner on her head.

Meanwhile, Georgina slips out of her choir boy robes, and into a slutty dress.  She requests a meeting with Louis-bot, in private, so that she can show that dumb hunk of metal what it’s like to screw a real trainwreck.

“Come and get me, Bot Boy!” 

So, while Louis-bot give in to temptation?  Are robots even capable of experiencing arousal?  Unfortunately, we will never get to find out, because Lily and Rufus locate Georgina, and kick her out of the church, before Louis-bot even gets a chance to see her in her whorish dress.  Well, I know at least two people who are going to LOSE this game . . .

But Georgina isn’t about to go down without a fight.  She still has one more ace up her sleeve.  And she’s not afraid to use it . . .

“Don’t marry him.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” Elinor Waldorf says plaintively, as she leaves the always-dapper-looking Chuck Bass in Blair’s bridal suite, as she takes her exit.

(And in that moment, Chair fans around the world let out a collective cheer, and then began to hold their breath, in synchronization.)

All Chuck and Blair scenes are beautiful in my eyes, but this one was particularly so.  We are clearly looking at the New Chuck Bass, here.  He is calm, collected, and confident that what he is doing is the right thing.  But he is also gentle, and earnest.  Chuck is speaking to Blair from a place of pure love, without judgment or manipulation.

He speaks to her about wanting her to be happy.  He wants to run away with her, and spend the rest of his life with her, just as they had planned to do in “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  “It should be us up there, and you know it,” he says determinedly.

And there is Blair, confirming Chuck’s suspicions, and expressing her love in return.  “Of course, I love you, Chuck.  I have always loved you.  I love you more and more every day if it is even possible to love someone that much.”

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Sounds great right?  So, what’s the problem?  The problem is Blair still wants to go through with this sham of a wedding, and is still hiding behind that ridiculous “Pact with the Man Upstairs” to do it.  “Not living with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done . . . I can’t be with you.  You should find someone who loves you too.”

Given the insanity of what Blair is saying, surely no one would fault Chuck for throwing up his hands in frustration, tossing over a few chairs, and storming out of the room.  But he doesn’t.   Instead, Chuck just smiles and says, “I have.  She’s standing right in front of me.”

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And with that statement, Chuck became the man to beat in this competition.  But then Serena entered the room, and brought the conversation to an abrupt end.  Bad timing, or clever strategy, inspired by her desire to win “Stop the Wedding,” for herself?

You can examine the entire gut-wrenchingly glorious exchange here . . .

Georgina and Serena each up their game .  . .

After Serena kidnaps Blair for some much-needed pre-weddding girl talk, Georgina enters stage right demonstrating the much-over used Slow Clap.  That’s right, boys and girls, Contestant Number 4 got the entire Chair exchange ON VIDEO (possibly the same video you just watched).  But Georgina surprises everyone with a hail mary.  Instead of keeping the video for itself, she shows it to Chuck.  It’s a win-win move.  Now, no matter who stops the wedding, she wins the prize.  (Because Chuck can’t very well have sex with himself, can he?  Well . . . actually he can .  . . see self pleasuring discussion above . . .But that’s neither here, nor there.)

Elsewhere, Serena throws her hat back in the ring with her classic, “Don’t enter into a false life, because you are afraid to enter your real one,” speech.

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Lest we forget how eloquent Serena has become, since two episodes ago, when she started blogging.  (More on that, in a bit . . .)

But Blair is determined to be miserable, dammit!  She’s going to have her robot marriage, if it kills her.  You know, because the car crash, didn’t . . .

Poor taste? 

But Serena’s not done, she also takes time to tell Chuck about the infamous (read MORONIC) PACT WITH THE LAWD that Blair is using as her excuse for entering into a lifetime of boredom, misery, and “Domo Arigato, Mr. Louis-bot,” sex . . .

Ahh, but has Serena shot herself in the foot?  Armed with Georgina’s video, Serena’s intel, and Bad!Priest’s confessional secrets, Chuck officially has EVERYTHING he needs to leave his competitors in the dark and . . . wait for it . . . STOP THAT WEDDING.

“Please, save the applause until after the show.” 

But will he?

iPhone now or forever hold your peace . . .

Most of us were hoping it wouldn’t get this far.  And yet, there’s Blair walking down with her two dads, the hot gay one (remember him?) and the adorable little muppet that is Cyrus Rose (I’m just glad he didn’t bring that lame son of his.)

Everyone is watching, and no one (except Stepford Dorota) seems particularly happy about what’s going on.  Louis-bot, in particular, looks like he needs his batteries recharged.

Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when the Priest says those iconic words, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

And heeeeeeeeereeeeee’s Chuckie . . .

“Good lord, what are you WAITING FOR? Do I have to give you a personal invitation?  STOP THIS THING, LOVER!” 

Buuuuuut . . . he says nothing.  (You know I love you, Chuck.  But I have to do this: LOSER BUZZER!)

I hope we can still be friends . . . 

Oh, but wait a minute, apparently someone didn’t see the sign outside the church that said “silence your cell phones, during the ROYAL WEDDING.”  Suddenly, the whole entire chapel is a buzz with iPhone vibrations.  It’s Gossip Girl.  She apparently has the Chair LOVE footage, and has decided to send it to all Blair’s wedding guests.

Doesn’t ANYBODY turn off their cell phone at a wedding? 

Blair runs out in tears, her unbrushed hair flapping in the breeze behind her.

“You’re FREEEEEE!  Run for your life!” 

Louis-bot still looks like he’s about to fall asleep.  But the rest of the congregation is shocked.  Ladies and gentlemen, I  think we have  a winner.  Then again, WHO IS GOSSIP GIRL, ANYWAY?

It’s clearly, Veronica Mars, DUH! 

Georgina takes a moment to gloat, explaining to the rest of the cast, Scooby Doo style how any of them could have easily been the one who sent the video to Gossip Girl, thus single-handedly ruining Blair’s wedding.  (Honestly, I’m more interested in knowing which one was dumb enough to keep the volume up on their phone, during the ceremony.)

Oh, but here’s an interesting tidbit.  Georgina is pretty sure Chuck Bass is innocent.  After all, he’s not the kind to write stories.  He has stories written about him.  Remember?

Blair thinks Chuck did it, though, despite his protestations to the contrary.  She tries to explain to him her whole “I found religion” thing.  “You were dead,” she says.  “I saved your life.”

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Well . . . Blair . . . ummm . . . I’m going to have to disagree on both of those fronts.  But you get an “A” for effort, and, of course, angst.  What you get an “F” for is telling Louis-bot that you are still willing to go through with this sham of a wedding.  And you get a double “F” for not thinking it’s the least bit weird tha Bot’s first words, upon hearing this “great news” are, “Let me talk to my Mommy, first.”

In which Louis-bot shows more emotion then we’ve seen him emote the entire season  . . .

Fortunately, we are spared the nausea of having to suffer through Louis-bot’s most unintelligible translation of Donut’s vows to Blair, as well as their, about as sexy as your grandma kissing a moose, marital kiss.  Next stop, reception!

Things happen kind of fast, from this point forward.  Nate waddles off to hit on Lola.  And by “hit on her” I mean, he tells her he remembers her name, and where she goes to school.  Now that’s romantic!   Elsewhere, Serena tells Dan she’s in love with him . . .

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  . . . and he responds by making this face  . . .

“You don’t have to respond now,” says Serena pitifully, as every last shred of dignity leaves her body in search of wedding cake . . .

Blair is slow dancing with Louis-bot, and telling him, how happy he should be about being her seventh choice for a life partner, behind Chuck, Nate, Dan, Rufus, Serena (I can see it, can’t you?), and Chuck’s dog’s Monkey.  But Louis-bot shocks everyone by growing a pair of balls, and the kind of blackened soul one can only get from out-staying your welcome about eight episodes too long on the Upper East Side (See e.g. Vanessa, and basically any of Blair’s and Serena’s boyfriends, who weren’t part of the main cast, with the notable exceptions of Carter Baizen and Drug Dealing Damien).

“Do I smell fish?  Ick, Robot Breath . . .” 

“Theerrr ees nothink betwin us boot a contrect.  When we errr alowyn, we will be stranjursh.  My muzzer tol me loof has nothink to do with mayerieg.  Now I know she ees righth.”  (Translation:  Their is nothing between us but a contract. . . When we are alone, we will be strangers.  My mother told me love has nothing to do with marriage.  Now, I know she is right.)

And he says it all with a big fat smile on his face.  Classic.  Since no one ended up winning Stop that Wedding, I may actually have to give the robot the prize of limo sex with Chuck . . . Sad, but true.  Louis-bot also admits that Dan wrote those so-called epic vows we never got to hear.  Ouch!

Now, do I feel bad for Blair, at this point, despite some of the terrible choices she made to bring this fate upon herself.  Absolutely!  But hey, if Blair goes along with this, she could get to be a REAL princess, AND NOT have to actually sleep with, or spend time, with Louis-bot.  She can also have limo sex (and any other kind of sex, with Chuck on the side.  So, it’s kind of win-win, right?

NOOOO.  Blair wouldn’t do that, Upper East Siders.  She’s “honorable” and “newly religious.”  And she certainly isn’t this TV Recapper.  So, she makes a Secret Phone Call, and dashes off into the night.

Meanwhile, Chuck is at home drowning his sorrows (Fortunately, being Good Chuck hasn’t curbed his rampant alcoholism.)

. . . when we see him call for a car, to head back to the wedding.  Did Blair call him?

We wish . . . She actually ends up getting into the Just Married Mobile with the Donut.  *sigh*

Well, at least it wasn’t a stretch limo.  If it was a stretch limo, I might have broken my television.  And, as you know, I reallllly love my television.

Oh, and did I mention that GEORGINA signs off the episode as Gossip Girl??!!!

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I definitely wasn’t expecting that!  Though, she HAS been around since ALMOST the beginning of the show . . . well when she wasn’t in Belarus or Bible Camp, at least.  And yet, something about the website on which Georgina was posting, kind of gave me pause.  For one thing, it looked suspiciously like The Spectator Blog Site Serena used to use.

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Remember a few episodes back, when people stopped sending blasts to GG, and started sending them to Serena instead?  Well, what if Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl, at all, but rather a mere hacker imposter.  She did, after all, make a reference to being “reborn.”

As much as I loved the shock value of this twist ending, part of me hopes that Georgina is NOT Gossip Girl.  I don’t know.  I just always kind of liked the idea of the Real Gossip Girl being an outsider . . . someone sort of on the fringes of this elite society, as opposed to one of its chief villains . . . someone like Lola . . .

But there you have it folks, that was “G.G.” in a nutshell.  So, what did you think, Upper East Siders?  Will the episode live Happily Ever After with you?  Or are you already counting on some hefty alimony payments from the inevitable divorce?  As always, I’m eager to hear your thoughts . . .

XOXO!

[http://www.juliekushner.com/ingeneious.html!]

[Fangirls Forever – now with Funny Valentine’s day tees!]

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