It’s a great week to be a villain in Storybrooke. This week on Once the writers are handing out happy endings to garbage people, like Oprah Winfrey occasionally hands out cars. Also, if you remove all the obvious concerns about multiple personality disorder, Regina has a nice conversation with herself about the importance of self-love that would make any psychologist giddy with glee. In less joyous news, Captain Hook is trapped on a Bluish Submarine, and Gideon is still a massive douchebag.
In Which the Evil Queen’s Dad Desperately Tries to Get His Daughter Laid . . .
“F*&k my daughter, please!”
After six seasons, Once is clearly running out of ideas for Meaningful Flashbacks That in Some Way Add Insight to Present Day Plotlines. (See example, last week, where they literally re-played the same flashback from a few seasons back, wrote a different ending to it, and then had one of the main characters “forget” the new ending to avoid the inevitable retcon it produced.) This week’s flashback finds the Evil Queen, once again, hunting for Snow White, and generally being sh*tty to everybody she encounters, including her sweet, but utterly ineffectual, father. Then, once again, Tinkerbell appears, so that she can remind the Evil Queen, for the third time now, that the only possible antidote to the villainness’ garbage person-ness, is for her to find the one man willing to bone her regularly. How’s that for a feminist message, ladies?
For a lady so interested in everyone finding their True Love, Tinkerbell herself seems awfully single most of the time, doesn’t she?
Evil Queen, to her credit, doesn’t buy that crap. She doesn’t need a man to complete her! She just needs . . . to commit lots more murders, and continue making everyone around her as miserable as possible!
Evil Queen’s dad (who, to his credit, seems vaguely uncomfortable with his daughter’s penchant for merciless dictatorship and serial murder, but not uncomfortable enough to say use his mother’s spell book to ground the Evil Queen, and keep her locked in a high tower until she reaches menopause) has an idea!
Under the guise of helping Evil Queen find Snow White using his wife’s spell book, Dad brings his awful daughter to visit the statue of a fat naked baby carrying a bow and arrow. It’s Cupid . . . obviously. And apparently looking into Cupid’s arrow will lead you to The Person You Love the Most. Dad believes that once Evil Queen looks at the arrow, she will find Robin Hood, and that he will instantly bone all the garbage-personness out of her. But, more importantly, he will knock her up, and keep her at home, Barefoot and Pregnant Ever After like a good Disney Princess.
[Pause: Am I remembering things wrong? Wasn’t it actually determined in an earlier season that the Evil Queen’s dad is actually The Person She Loves the Most. And this is why she eventually had to kill him, in order to effectuate the Season One curse that started this whole show? Now, we are suddenly supposed to believe that the Evil Queen loves someone she never met more than her own father, who literally stuck by her through six seasons of suffering through the exact same flashback together approximately one million times?]
Anyway, Evil Queen is so not interested in fat babies and their luuuuuuuve arrows. So, she spells the arrow into something that leads you to The Person You Hate Most, assuming the arrow will take her to Snow White. But, SURPRISE! The arrow actually ends up showing the Evil Queen the mirror image of herself. Apparently, no one hates the Evil Queen more than the Evil Queen.
If I didn’t make it clear earlier, this episode is basically a Freshman Psychology Major’s wet dream . . .
A Tale of Two Reginas
Speaking of self-loathing, back in the present day, the now separated into two distinct beings, Evil Queen and Regina are both dead set on murdering one another ASAP. Evil Queen conveniently has Bad!?Robin Hood dig up the Cut Off Your Fate scissors from a few episodes back, so she can murder her better half without suiciding in the process. Evil Queen then ties up Bad!?Robin Hood and uses him as bait to lure Regina into her clutches, so the two can have yet another “Epic” Split-Screen Showdown.
By the time Regina arrives, Evil Queen has actually already sent Bad!?Robin Hood back to the fake Alt World from whence he came. This was a surprisingly nice thing for a garbage person like her to do, except when you consider the fact that Bad!?Robin Hood is still marked for death by Alt World Rumple, which is why he left Alt World in the first place?
Anywhoo, Regina and Evil Queen alternate between sword fighting and throwing their trademark purple magic farts at one another for a few minutes. But eventually Regina bests Evil Queen, and actually has the opportunity to kill her forever. Of course, she doesn’t do it, because killing people is “bad,” and Regina is no longer a Malevolent Serial Killer. Rather, since she cut out the garbage-personness in herself, Regina has proudly joined the ranks of the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killers.
Instead of murdering her self(?), Regina actually takes some of the garbage personness out of the Evil Queen’s heart and trades it for some of her slightly less garbage personness. So now, thanks to some impromptu open heart surgery that would make the makers of the childhood game Operation Proud, the Evil Queen sucks a little bit less than she did before, and Regina sucks a little bit more. Oddly enough, this makes everybody happy.
“I love myself now,” Regina admits to the now only slightly more garbage version of herself.
The pair then hug one another, clean up the mess they made in Regina’s office from all the purple fart throwing and open heart surgery stuff, then sit down for tea together to gossip about boys. Because, of courses, self-love, forgiveness, and self-acceptance are really only important if they can help you get laid right?
Regina has somewhat of a difficult time convincing the rest of the main cast that the lady who spent all of eternity trying to murder them all is now her new bestie. But in less than five minutes, everyone reluctantly allows themselves to be convinced, because we still have another plotline to wrap up after the last commercial break.
Then, Henry calls the Evil Queen “mom” for the first time, hugs her, and uses his Author powers to give her a “fresh start.” I’ll give you two guesses as to where that “fresh start” leads Evil Queen. You got it: back to Alt World, and the bar where Bad!?(BUT CONVENIENTLY SINGLE) Robin Hood is busy nursing his latent alcoholism, and possibly waiting for Alt World Rumple to find and murder him.
But hey, True Wuv conquers all right? So, I think these two sort-of-garbage, arguably not-real, people might just make it to their Happily Ever After together!
“Let’s drink until we forget that neither of us actually exist! Hey, at least that means there’s no chance of my getting you pregnant or giving you crabs!”
Coming Un-Hooked
In less happy news, Captain Hook is still stewing over the fact that he murdered Emma’s grandfather, and hasn’t found the courage to tell her yet, because he thinks it might screw up their impending nuptials. Then, Captain Nemo (Seriously? This guy is still around?) pops by to offer Hook some sage advice. “Tell Emma the truth,” he says. “Or don’t tell her, and forgive yourself. But please stop whining about it, because this storyline is getting wicked depressing.”
Yeah, I know it’s the wrong Nemo. And I don’t care! This one is cuter!
Hook decides on a third option. He tries to use a dreamcatcher to suck the memory of the offending murder out of his brain. This way, Emma never has to know, and he no longer has to feel guilty about this senseless killing (or any of the other 900 or so people he murdered throughout his eternal life). It’s a win / win? Right?
(I mean, at this point, us viewers are all kind of wishing we can forget that Hook killed Emma’s grandfather. So, how can we really blame Hook for doing something we’d all want to do for ourselves!)
“Like for example the time I didn’t tell you that I turned you into a Dark One, and you ended up getting sent to hell as a result. Or the time I didn’t tell you I had a vision of my own death.”
Unfortunately, Emma walks in on Captain Hook using a kitschy hood ornament to suck out part of his brain. This is how she finds out that Hook killed her grandfather, and she’s kind of pissed about it. Note: She’s not really mad about the murder, as much as the whole brain-sucking thing, because that’s just tacky. Emma takes Hook’s willingness to inflict permanent brain damage on himself, rather than tell Emma a tough truth, as a sign that he’s not ready to be her husband. So, Emma sadly returns Hook’s engagement ring to him.
Now fiancé-less and with a woefully un-sucked brain, a Super Depressed Captain Hook tells Captain Nemo he wants to leave with him, possibly forever, on the Bluish Submarine . . . because running from your problems is always the most brave and manly way to deal with them. But then Snow White finds him standing out in the snow, and tells him about how the Evil Queen found her happy ending with Bad!? Robin Hood this week despite both of them being kind of garbage people.
“Hey! I’m a garbage person too!” Hook exclaims excitedly. “That means I can also get my happy ending, despite having murdered your husband’s dad!”
“What?” Snow White asks, shocked.
“Ummmm . . . I said, I think the Evil Queen’s clothes are really rad?” Hook covers poorly.
With a renewed zest for life, Hook rushes to the Bluish Submarine to tell Captain Nemo he’s not going to go on “tour” with him. Rather, he’s going to face the music with Emma, and prove to her that he’s still f*&kable, despite having slashed and burned a portion of her family tree.
So, of course, that douchebag Gideon has to magic himself onto the Bluish Submarine and make it submerge, so Hook can’t get off of it, right? Gideon is the friggin worst!
Once the Bluish Submarine is submerged Gideon magics himself off of it, so he can murder Emma in peace. Once, Gideon is off the ship, Captain Nemo can regain control of it, and bring it back to the surface, so Hook can get off the ship and help his girl . . . or, at least, that’s what Nemo would do if this show had any sense of logic to it. But it doesn’t, so Captain Nemo and Hook sail away on the Bluish Submarine, while Emma stands by the door of her home, looking sad and awaiting certain death . . .
This week on Once: a daring rescue goes awry; a reunion between old lovers reminds us just how incestuous this show actually is; Regina gets a new job as a horse whisperer; and a female character’s “secret” pregnancy is revealed by looking at her husband’s balls.
Let’s review, shall we?
“And You Thought Your Mother-in-Law Hated You,” by Emma Swan
Congratulations, cast members of Once, there is now a new way to die on this show that is arguably worse than being turned into a giant purple fart, because you drank some bad water, or tugged too hard on a sword.
According to Hades, there’s this River of Lost Souls, which, if you touch it, turns you into those giant wads of sperm from The Little Mermaid . . .
Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, Death by Eternal Spermdom is way worse than Death by Purple Fart. Because, at least as a purple fart, you get to disappear! I mean, sure, your scent lingers for a few terrible moments, but after that, you’re off the hook. Being an immortal sperm that never gets to fertilize an egg, is like spending an eternity hearing that awful knock-knock joke about the banana, and never getting to the punchline, where it mercifully turns into an orange.
Anyway, Hades is super mad at Hook for refusing to damn three of his friends to an eternity in the Underworld, so he gets back at him, by stringing him up and dangling him precariously over Sperm River!
Elsewhere, things are looking up a bit, because after weeks of searching, Emma has finally figured out where Hades is hiding Hook. All she has to do is hold hands with a dead person, so she can get there, which should be super easy, because almost everyone in the Underworld is dead, giving her plenty of hands to chose from. Of course, Rumpel, being Rumpel decides to choose the hand of his ex-wife Milah, because he’s a masochist.
Milah’s job in the Underworld is that of crossing guard, probably because no one is more qualified to keep small children from getting run over by buses, than the woman who went to a bar to get laid, while her only son was dying of a snake bite . . . (Fortunately, all the kids here are already dead, so, the risk factor is kind of low.)
As it turns out, Milah’s unfinished business is that she feels shitty about what an awful parent she was. So, she agrees to help Rumpel save Hook, if it means possibly being able to earn some good karma points not at all related to parenting.
Once on board with the whole “Holding Hands Plan” (If Henry was in this episode, he’d call it: Operation Ring Around the Rosey), Milah meets for the first time the love of her son’s life, and mother of her only grandchild, Emma, who also happens to be the love of Milah’s ex boyfriend, Captain Hook’s, life.
(It’s too bad Emma never slept with Rumpelstilstkin, because then things could have been REALLY awkward.)
The blonde earns some points with Milah though, by telling her that her son Neal is in Heaven, and if she plays her cards right, she can meet him there, and apologize to him for being The Absolute Worst.
Emma is surprised to learn that the Portal to Hell is actually in the Alt World version of her basement, which is probably why, whenever she does laundry down there, she comes back missing at least one sock. (All uncoupled socks go to Hell. Everyone knows that.)
While Emma rushes into Hell to save Hook from becoming Sperm 4 Life (which would be a great name for a band, I think), Milah and Rumpel wait outside. And that’s where Hades finds them . . .
Quite Possibly, the Real Reason I’m An Only Child . . .
Personal aside: I was an only kid. Don’t feel bad for me, or anything. It meant I always got to bring a friend along on family vacations, and I never had to share my toys. (Sharing is for suckers.)
But still, sometimes I wondered why I never had any brothers or sisters. Occasionally, I’d even ask my parents. “Ask your mother,” said my dad. (It was the exact same response he gave, when I asked him why he had a package of “balloons” in the drawer of his nightstand.)
“It’s because you were so perfect, we didn’t need another baby,” said my mom.
Clearly, that’s not true. I mean, have you read my recaps? I’m kind of a jerk.
Now, thanks to Once, I know the real reason. It’s gotta be the same reason Baelfire/Neal was an only kid . . . my dad must have made a deal with some creepy clown face guy, in order to save my life! It all makes so much sense now.
But enough about me, let’s go back in time to before Rumpelstiltskin hired a fabulous stylist . . .
. . . back, when he was just some schlub, whose kid liked to hang out with deathly poisonous snakes. (When you are an only child, “friends” can be a very broad concept.)
So, the deathly poisonous snake took a little bite out of young Neal / Baelfire, and suddenly, he has 24 hours to live.
(Well, this isn’t a very intriguing backstory, I think to myself. We know Neal / Baelfire is going to live, because he grows up to pork Emma in the back of her yellow Beetle car, so she can give later birth to Henry, while incarcerated, and then proceed to forget about him entirely for ten years. But wait . . . there’s more.)
So, Rumpel and his then wife, Milah, go to a healer to save Neal / Baelfire. And he’s this weirdo, who lives in a tent, and kind of looks like the fat guy from the band, Kiss. “I have a bottle of green goo that can save your son,” explains Fat Guy from Kiss. “But it’s going to cost you a $100.”
Now, this was before the time of Obamacare. So it’s not like Rumpel had mandatory health insurance, and could simply ask for a less expensive, generic, version of the green goo, that was covered under his plan, cost way less, but had way worse side effects. Rumpel also didn’t have $100. And that’s when Milah decided that Rumpel should kill the Fat Guy from Kiss, and steal his green goo.
While Rumpel is busy attempting to off the guy who fittingly brought us the song “Heaven’s on Fire,” Milah is at the local bar getting shitfaced, because, “Feminism?”
While at the bar, Milah meets Captain Hook, and wants to hit that so hard, which is totally understandable, because, well, look at him . . .
. . . but kind of makes me wonder where her dying kid is during all of this.
Rumpel ends up chickening out, and doesn’t kill the Fat Guy from Kiss. But the Fat Guy takes pity on him, and gives him the green goo, in exchange for the promise of his second born child. Why? I don’t know! But the weird guys with the face paint in these fairytales always seem to be wanting to get their mitts on other people’s kids.
Rumpel comes home, cures Neal / Baelfire with the green goo, and excitedly tells Milah the good news. Milah, however, is super bummed out that she doesn’t get to hide a dead body, which has always been on her personal bucket list. Also, she’s mad that she can’t have another baby to leave dying in a hut, while she goes off to get wasted and bone sexy pirates . . .
Later on, once Rumpel has hired his stylist, and becomes the fabulously evil guy we know and love, he kills the Fat Guy from Kiss, and then heads off to Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day. (See what I did there?)
All Dogs Go to Heaven, But Horses? Meh!
Regina and Snow White don’t have much to do during this episode, so they decide to seek out Regina’s ex-boyfriend, who briefly became Frankenstein’s monster. Cruella, who is apparently the new Mayor of the Underworld, now that Regina’s mom is its new florist, offers to help, because she doesn’t have much to do during this episode either. She explains to Regina that if ex boyfriend Daniel’s gravestone is tipped over, it means he’s in Heaven, but if it’s cracked, it means he’s in Hell.
Regina finds the gravestone, and is thrilled to see it turned over. (Mostly, because she has a new lover now, and running into an ex, who may or may not be a murderous monster, would be super awkward.) Regina is so happy, in fact, that when she sees an injured horse, she uses the magic she thought she had lost to cure it! (This was undoubtedly the writers’ way of making up for all the animal cruelty and doggy murder in last week’s episode . . .)
No word on what the horse’s unfinished business was, but I like to think it was because he came in second in the Kentucky Derby, and is super disappointed with his performance . . . Horses can be really Type A about those kind of things.
Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming . . .
Back in Hell, Hades cuts a deal with Rumpel. All he has to do is kill Milah and destroy a boat that is the cast’s ticket out of the Underworld, and he can return to Storybrook to be with Belle. So, Rumpel betrays his friends (AGAIN), and turns his ex-wife into Giant Sperm, which, if nothing else, is a really great way to get closure on a bad relationship.
On the bright side, if Milah just keeps swimming, there’s a really good chance she can Find Nemo.
In Grave Danger
With Hook now safely by her side, Emma decides to get on with the plan to split her heart into two, so Hook can take half of it, and use it to return from the dead. But when a newly re-magicked Regina tries to remove Emma’s heart, it won’t budge. Why?
It turns out that Emma is technically dead now too. See, when Hook refused to choose for Hades three souls to banish to the Underworld, Hades chose for him. And the winners are: Emma, Regina and Snow White.
This might be a good time for Snow White to decide she’s drippy Mary Margaret again. It could be her Get Out of Hell Free Card, just saying.
Hit Me With a Baby One More Time
Rumpel returns to Hades eager for the latter to make good on his part of the bargain to send Rumpel home. But Hades has other plans, plans that involve Rumpel’s balls. You see, early in the episode, Rumpel used one of his balls to spy on Belle, but broke it in the process. Now, at the end of the episode, Hades uses another of Rumpel’s balls to spy on Belle again, this time revealing she’s pregnant!
(This is super good news for the actress who plays Belle, who also happens to be pregnant. This means the character doesn’t have to spend nine months hiding behind tables and “carrying heavy boxes” to hide her increasingly growing baby bump.)
But here’s the clincher. The Fat Guy from Kiss is in the Underworld, and Hades has bought out the contract he made with Rumpel for his second born. This means that Rumpel has to do Hades bidding, or else Belle’s baby will have to get really used to wearing the color red, and eating his or her baby food with a pitchfork . . .
Greetings, Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar. We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!
“La Loba”
All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television. Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]
Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .
When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .
And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals . . .
This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .
. . . except now they have company. Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen. Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.
This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty. He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba. “Where is La Loba?” He demands. (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.” It’s also a song by Shakira. But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former. This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)
Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate. And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.
This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful. I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right? We’ve already met a few of them ourselves. (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).
Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.
Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at. She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea.
But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son. “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.
Finally, someone willing to translate! But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer. Well, now they are just being obstinate!
Peter offers alternative form of payment. He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear . . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one. But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts. So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off. I think it was his middle finger. Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .
I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .
The Douchebag Cometh
After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .
Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .
. . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair. It’s small. It’s dark. It’s dingy and poorly furnished. It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.
The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup. So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too. You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip? That’s 100% Scott’s dad.
What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick. Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”
Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.
It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira
At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.
This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.
Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”
“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall. What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”
“I’m not 100% sure. But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”
Except . . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?
And we all know what happened to her . . .
Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .
Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf. Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.
Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class. Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming. Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.
“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . . . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”
And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist? To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means? Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .
Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room. (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her? Am I right?)
Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie. However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution. Eventually, however, it works.
“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants. Do you want me to pull down my pants? Because I’d do that for you, Stiles? That’s what friends are for.”
“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”
Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.
“Yoo hoo, I have your book bag. Will you please have sex with me now?”
Ease up, Kira, honey. You are on a show with an extremely limited female population. Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless. So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.
As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.
“I want my doll!”
“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”
(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system. You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)
“Can I see your student ID?”
Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her. This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!
But she doesn’t. Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does. Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.
“Fear not, possible villain! I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”
That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag. Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate. But not, Kira. She’s in loooooove. You know what? I take back what I said earlier? Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.
“Hi, I’m Chuckie. Wanna play?”
Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!
Confession time. I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale. How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next? I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line. Now, that’s talent.
Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.
It’s Braeden! Remember her? She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .
We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo. By the way, does anybody really die on this show? Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .
Or Kali . . .
Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .
Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.
Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries. I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck? Because I wouldn’t . . .
Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind. Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief. And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.
Thanks Braeden! If I could afford to pay you I would. But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did. Deal?
Actually, that just gave me an idea!
Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds! Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore. Everybody wins!
Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started. But Derek says no. The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.
*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn. Do you?
Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .
What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?
Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.
What the hell? Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house? He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name. It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word. Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.
Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family. And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing. Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo. It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.
Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods. But how? Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way. The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.
Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see. But that option is problematic too, for two reasons. (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to . . . um . . . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..
Quite a pickle . . .
But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle? But who?
“Hakuna Matata?”
The Bash Brothers
To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha. But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .
*insert bad 90’s video game music here*
It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .
“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”
I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male. For heaven sakes, grow a pair!
Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps. Dude needs a job . . . bad. The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . . .
Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.
While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate. This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart. Kate is the lead surgeon / person performing her autopsy? Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.
“Feeling kind of exposed here? Can someone pass me a towel?”
*insert sloppy eating sounds*
When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head. That’s odd? She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .
“Is this foreplay?”
Follow that Doll!
Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.
“Busted.”
“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”
While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.
“I’m innocent!”
It’s Were-Malia. She took that damn doll again! Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well. Start your engines, boys! It’s time for a Chase Scene.
“Say hello to my little friend.”
Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang, (I leave it to you to decide which is which.) they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll. Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister. And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects. Is that too much to ask, dammit?
“See, I’m misunderstood. I just want to be loved.”
The twist: The real Big Bad of the episode is . . . wait for it . . . ME! MR.COYOTE TRAP!
Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass. Easy, right? Maybe not . . .
Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps. Allison can’t shoot. Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps. And Scott can’t roar. This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.
And another one down . . .
another one down . . .
another one bites the dust . . .
With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast. Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED! Hooray.
Nighty, night Papa Tate! Have a nice nap!
“Back to being awesome. Thank you very much.”
Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read. So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B. “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles. “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read. We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”
And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies. And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you. Thanks, Teen Wolf!
As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up! Already brushing off the dust. You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground. I’m tired of quoting this song. But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!
Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)
Bamn! Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle.
“Where’s the rest of my coven? How did I get here? Why am I naked? Whose the guy with the fugly face?”
“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”
She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader.
DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”
MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”
The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class! But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors. He’s cured!
Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . . .
And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .
In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with . . . wait for it .. .
Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again. Anywhoo, inside the . . .
. . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..
So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!
(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important. I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious. Just call me, Sassy Peter.)
Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?
Got any bug spray? Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .
When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .
No, seriously. I don’t mean like “undead.” I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing. (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)
Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .
Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .
These two are flirting with one another, something fierce. The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.
He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.
In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) . . .
Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.
Oh, just get a room already, you two . . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!
We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . . Take it away, Elena . . .
“Like previously . . . on The Vampire Diaries . . . we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to stake us and shoot us with arrows. But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus. And then, like, Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure. And he like . . . doesn’t? And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me. But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger? So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it? Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”
“What? Elena? I can’t hear you. This is a really bad connection. *makes fake static noises into the phone* Ohhh, I think I’m losing you. Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure. Byeeeeeee!”
“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”
Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .
“Thanks so much for your help! Here, have a rock!”
Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .
He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!
Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that. Bull honky! It looked like a plain old rock to me! And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .
Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy! Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone! You already have a rock!
Aramaic for Dummies
Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .
“Hey, look! It’s Andre’s screencaps!”
. . . and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .
Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”
Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”
“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”
Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword. They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not. But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely. As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!
Oh no! If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to . . . SAVE ELENA! Oh the humanity!
“I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m not even on this show.”
So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers, it’s all for one, and one for . . . ONE?
Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .
Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally
Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again. Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .
Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid. (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)
With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about The Cure’s limitations. She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway. He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck. Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really old love!
And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.
Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure. Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .
WOAH! Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!
All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment. In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.
“And what am I, chopped liver?”
But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.
She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show. And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .
In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect. Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!
Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.
“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”
Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure. And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .
. . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy. (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.) So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .
So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .
Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well. Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship. But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .
Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!
“This is sooooo not my episode! I’m calling my agent.”
Golly gee! I wonder who it could be?
It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal
Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again. (Honestly, can you blame her?)
JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”
Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work to do!”
JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”
Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*
Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing. The magic must be working.”
Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*
Bonnie must have really strong hands! All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!
“Thanks for the free tattoo removal. You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for. Do you think you could take that off too?”
Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well. Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!
“This is total crap. I’m calling my agent too!”
Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .
But that’s not true at all! My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!
Now THAT was awesome! Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!
But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on. LAME!
“I’m sorry! My nipples got cold, OK?”
Welcome back, Zombie Granny!
Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .
“Hi sweetie! Go kill yourself, OK? Grandma knows best!”
Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .
. . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination. He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.
The Long(ish) Goodbye
With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .
Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .
. . . at least not anymore . . .
In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.
Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too? It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”
Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”
Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .
Tyler: “See you next season?”
Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”
The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another. And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions . . . or something . . .
The Selfless Salvatore
Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.
I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds. Anyone else agree?
Surprise!
Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .
And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .
Deja-vu?
If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.
So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .
JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again. His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense. That witch is a pain in thee ass!
But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .
Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor. (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)
So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead? Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?
It’s hard to tell at this point. And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .
(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)
The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.
But IS he?
Only time . . . and next week’s episode will tell . . . See ya then, Fangbangers!
“Is this a bad time?” Those are the first words out of Mona van derWaal’s mouth in the new season, as she hovers creepily over a sleeping Hanna’s bed in the middle of the night.
I heard a song once that says, “There’s a time for every purpose, under Heaven.”
And while that’s a nice sentiment, I firmly believe that there are some things for which it is NEVER a good time. For instance, here’s a hint for you, Supposedly-Not-Crazy-Anymore MONA. There is NEVER a good time to break into someone’s house and hover over them, while they sleep, because you want them to be your friend again, despite your once having tried to run them over with your car . . .
There is also never a good time to stalk down your school’s hallways, brandishing a cow’s brain on a sharp steak knife . . . except, perhaps, if you are trying to feed a pack of hungry zombies, and feel the cow’s brain is preferable to your own brain as a meal choice.
Spencer, there is never a good time to sit in the hot tub with Evil Abs Toby. I don’t care how sexy his six-pack looks underwater, or how good it feels when his wet hands massage your back.
Oh, and Aria? There is never a good time to wear an outfit that looks like this . . .
Though I suspect there are some who would disagree with me. Like This Guy . . .
Those Rosewood girls, they never learn. Let’s review, shall we?
Grand Theft Toby
It’s a well-known fact that you are nobody in Rosewood, until someone in a black hoodie tries to run you down in their car.
This seems to be sort of a rite of passage in this quaint town, where members of the illustrious A-team seem to drive around all night, every night, with literally nothing to do but to dig up long-dead corpses’ bodies, and play “Hulk, SMASH!” with the toesies of innocent bystanders.
In that case, Welcome to the Club, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude! You’ve just been Grand Theft Tobied . . .
It’s been a banner morning for the PLL girls. Emily’s under house arrest, because her dad would prefer that psychos wearing hoodies not run over her toes with a car, thank you very much. Sound over protective? Sure, except when you remember that, a few weeks back, THIS DOUCHE tried to have Emily and her New Girlfriend killed . . . because he’d already killed her old one . . .
Hanna’s just learned that she has a crazy cousin Heshy, who once served his parents rusty nails drenched in milk for breakfast. No wonder the poor girl has had issues with food all her life! I wonder if being a Rusty Nail-Eating Loony Tune is genetic . . .
All of Aria’s friends now think her dad killed Ali, because he hung out with her the night she died. For what it’s worth, Aria, I don’t think your dad’s a murderer, I just think he’s a major asshole . . .
His shirts are also way too tight.
But that’s not all. The most petite PLL just found out her father’s mistress is teaching her class in U.S. Government. And the Slutty Wench just confiscated her iPhone!
Remember that time when this biatch was in the movie Center Stage, and we actually didn’t want to stick a fork in her neck?
True Story . . . when I was in sixth grade, my school made me dissect a cow’s brain. It was slimy, and smelled bad. Plus, multiple times during the dissection, I could have sworn that I heard it Moo.
Needless to say, the image of the stabbed brain in Mona’s locker, and it’s cryptic accompanying message, “It takes one mad cow to know another,” brought back some bad memories for me.
“Is that a brain?” Hanna asks helpfully, when her erstwhile friend makes the MOO-orbid locker discovery.
Good call, Hanna! I thought it was a cupcake!
Hanna helpfully suggests that Mona close her locker door, brains and all. Maybe nobody will notice! Especially not in a place like Rosewood, where people murder lab rats, and keep random body parts in their lockers all the time!
But Mona will not go quietly. Instead she stabs that knife deeper into that cow brain and holds it proudly in the air, as she takes a long walk down the hallway. Yeah, because THAT doesn’t look crazy at all.
“What’s the matter? Never seen a brainy girl before?”
In most school’s Mona’s ridiculous actions would land her a first-class trip right back to the loony bin where she belongs. But here in Crazy Town, this is just another day . . . and perhaps, an opportunity for another YouTube video . . .
After her little Catwalk of Crazy, Mona whispers something cryptic in Lucas’ ear, and stalks back down the hallway. Hanna tries to find out what she said, but Lucas just limps away guiltily. Poor Lucas! It looks like he may have needed that Big Toe, after all!
Remember back when Lucas was funny and adorable like this? I miss that!
Many fans suspect that Mona told Lucas that he should help her make THIS video, which became a Rosewood YouTube sensation, shortly after the whole brain incident. It also made the obvious psychopath instantly well liked and popular, because apparently Rosewood High is a School for the Dumb.
Anyway, the video . . . here it is, in its entirety:
Do you think that’s Lucas on the other end of the camera? Feel free to shout out your opinions in the comment section.
But back to the whole limping thing, Hanna suspects that Lucas is limping, because he may very well be the person who tried to throw Aria from the train on Halloween night. You know . . . when she was hanging out in that coffin with dead Garrett, and stabbed someone with a nail? Good times.
She begs her boyfriend to get the scoop. You know, because murderous people who try to throw others off trains, make for really great interviews! Caleb comes back empty handed, but Hanna later gets Lucas to admit to her that Mona has been sneaking out of the nuthouse, since she first went in there. “That’s all I can say,” Lucas admits sadly.
Poor Lucas. He’s definitely the Beta kid of this A Team. He gets to do all the dirty jobs, with none of the respect or the rewards. Not to mention, it’s pretty obvious he’s still hung up on Hanna, and hates having to play any part in hurting her. I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy. Even if he does sometimes have a really bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .
Meanwhile, outside the school . . .
Hand Grenade Hugs and Moonlighting Janitors
Have you ever noticed that ever since Evil Abs Toby has been outed as a member of the A Team, he has this perpetual puss on his face, like a cartoon super villain? It’s like you can almost hear the maniacal laugh track of “MWAH-HAHA,” every time he opens his mouth.
And you would think that Spencer — who used to be the kind of girl who would be suspicious of a bunny rabbit, if it looked at her funny — would notice that her supposedly loving boyfriend has suddenly caught a case of the EVIL EYES. But nope! B*tch is totally clueless . . . just rambling on and on, about how Facelift Jason is putting his life in his hands by being nice to Crazy Mona.
“He’s hugging a hand grenade,” Spencer scoffs, as she pulls Evil Abs Toby into a loving embrace.
You see, that’s the thing about hand grenades. They come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes, they even have six-pack abs . . .
Meanwhile, it appears that the Weirdo Norman Bates-y dude who owned the hotel where Mona kept her evil lair is suddenly moonlighting at the high school as a janitor, and carting around a bag filled with Mona’s creepy crap.
Oh, hello Ugly Baby Mask! I missed you . . .
Again, who the heck runs security at this school? It seems like the entire payroll is filled with wackadoos and sociopaths!
No offense, Fitzy . . .
And Aria’s mom . . .
I particularly liked the scene where Emily and Hanna go stalking the janitor, and try to hide, when they are almost discovered. Something tells me that, as a child Hanna was the kid you never wanted on your team during Hide and Seek . . . just a hunch . . .
I also liked the part when the creepy janitor started literally sniffing around the hallway for the girls, as if he could SMELL their presence. Time to lay off the perfume, my pretties . .
Aria and her scary animal print outfit are having a fine old time with Fitzy, when the former finds a “Congrats on your baby boy,” gift basket parked on Fitzy’s apartment doorstep.
Ruh ROH! I guess A found out about Fitzy’s secret love child with Alex Mack, after all. Aria’s eyes pop out of her head, as she disposes of the gift basket, before Ezzie can find it. (I don’t know. That seems like kind of a waste to me. Those gift bags are expensive!)
Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for Aria to keep this BIG BABY secret from Fitzy. After all, America’s favorite unemployed English teacher has a right to know that he has a spawn out there somewhere, who just might share his genetic propensity for having pasty white legs, being attracted to younger women, and writing REALLY BAD poetry . . .
Hot Tub Time Machine
Remember back when Toby and Spencer were the World’s Sweetest Couple? When every time he took off his shirt we clapped . . . and every time he hugged Spencer, lovingly touched her hair, and/or patiently told her to “shut the f*&k up about A, it’s all you ever talk about” we swooned?
Yeah, now the writers are just laughing at us with all this “Toby is Evil” stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy seeing Spencer and Toby get all hot and sweaty after a run. And I still clap when Toby sits in the hot tub shirtless, massaging Spencer’s shoulders. The only difference is that now, enjoying it makes me feel like a bad person.
That said, I love the repeated irony of Spencer getting jumpy about sounds that go bump in the night, when, inches away from her (shirtless, of course) is the dude who probably killed Police Boy Garrett, and Creepy Pedo Ian. Talk about sleeping with the enemy!
As a sort-of/kind of runner (albeit a ridiculously slow one), I’m thinking I’m probably the only one who was annoyed by the girls totally cutting out of their charity race at Mile 2, to break into Creepy Janitor’s Lair of Old PLL Props. Did they ever finish the race? Or did they just cut to Mile 6, and jog triumphantly to finish line? Fitzy said he donated HALF his unemployment money for this! And he only has ONE HAIRY LIME in his fridge to eat!
Now that’s just rude!
That said, I’m kind of impressed at what savvy criminals these four have become over the past three seasons. Emily successfully disables her dad’s first rate alarm system to sneak out of her house, in order to go on this mission. Spencer expertly breaks into the Janitor’s lair, using nothing but a bobby pin, and sheer force of will.
And Aria, upon finding incriminating evidence that could one day be used to implicate her Craptastic Dad in Ali’s murder, quickly pockets the offending booty. But more on that, in just a bit . . .
Newsflash: Aria’s Dad is Poopface . . . oh, wait, we already knew that?
This week on PLL, we learned that Dead Ali was blackmailing Boring Byron with knowledge about his affair with Skanky Meredith, and that this is probably why she had piles of money stashed away in her room. (Then again, maybe she just had a gambling problem.)
We found this out from Creepy Janitor, who randomly had Dead Ali’s diary in Creepy Janitor’s House of Old PLL Props, just hanging out, and waiting to be read.
Boring Byron thinks we should just be happy to know he wasn’t sleeping with the 14-year old. He thinks that makes him a Good Dad!
You know what else he thinks makes him a Good Dad? Accusing his daughter of trying to blow up his slutball mistress at a school charity event. (That’s right. It seems that, while the girls were in the Janitor’s Closet playing Hide the Diary. The A Team went and literally BLEW UP MEREDITH, off screen! HILARIOUS. Too bad she survived.)
Anyway, it’s always good to know your parents trust and support you . . .
Ugh, this guy sucks so bad, I skeeve, whenever he’s on screen. I’m just pissed he wasn’t in the schoolhouse with Happy Hobag Meredith, when Obviously-Not-Aria tried to blow her up. Better luck next time . . .
Speaking of Skeevy . . .
Toward the end of the episode, we find Mona and Jason getting frisky together. (Geez, don’t any of the guys on this show date people their own age?) She’s fawning over a very rusty-nail looking wound on Facelift Jason’s tummy. Then again, it could also be a BURN MARK.
Has Facelift Jason been part of the A Team all along? Was he the one who Aria stabbed with a nail, when he tried to throw her coffin off the train on Halloween? Did he try to blow up Boring Byron’s girlfriend Moronic Meredith at the Charity Event?
Tune in next week to find out . . .
And finally . . .
In the last scene of the episode, Evil Abs Toby screws around with the wheels on some random guy’s bike, who may or may not be the dude who put the brain in Mona’s locker. (That’s funny. I was certain she put that in herself?)
This, of course, just goes to show you that NO ONE is safe on the streets of Rosewood, not even extras, who don’t have speaking parts on the show. Be afraid, Teens! Be very afraid . . .
Greetings, Fangbangers! It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD. And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love, honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity, freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl. She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. And that girl, of course, was . . . Elena Gilbert. Isn’ it always?
So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games TVD-cap . . .
The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear. Hmmm . . . that teddy bear looks very familiar. Where have I seen it before?
Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉 Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely. And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.
“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’
Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone. And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie! We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.
“No more phone sex for you, Buster! (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)”
Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?
Nahh . . . I didn’t think so . . .
Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).
“Oh hey, Elena! You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”
Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities. She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around. Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap. Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .
But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood. Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.
She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies. As it turns out? Not so much . .
“There’s more where she came from!”
You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena? Stefan.
(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice. And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)
At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*
The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”
Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever . . .
As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done. “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.
But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.” It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature. So, instead of high fiving, Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.
(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement. Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)
Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.
What? Elena? Ruin plans? NEVER!
Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .
Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house. So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense. Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet. To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.
Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .
Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly? But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet. He still has THIS to say . . .
I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor. TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes . . . 😉
With Kol and Klaus out of the house, Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual . . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats. Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this. Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.
Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face. (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.) So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .
Tales of a Vampire Gigolo
Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women. You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . . Well played, Damon. When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls. You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .
Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell. But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.
That’s better!
Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch to kill all her kids that very night. Ruh-roh! Talk about burying the lead!
Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath. I disagree. And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .
“Are you there, Elena? It’s me, Elijah!”
Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane. (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?) As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time. They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.
This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat. But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.” and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”
“That’s not going to work!”
It works like a charm!
The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering, quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands. She confesses everything. “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.
“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.
One word: HOT!
The battle lines are drawn
While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing. He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted. (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . . perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)
The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another. Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉
Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer. (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.) Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point. His lady love is missing. And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family. She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna. Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch. It’s all highly unpleasant. But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.
“Just nod and smile, baby. Just nod and smile.”
Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing. What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms. After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her. The plan? Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests. Anything for Elena! (Man, how many times has THIS happpened! For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)
Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern. Hurry up, Salvatores! Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!
Speaking of balls . . .
The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist
The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one. Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark. Caroline, of course, gets Klaus. But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls. Though, I guess the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.
Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie. “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.
First his teeth, now his liver. I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.” Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)
This is Kol . . .
When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely. *insert whipping sound*
But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark. In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:
Back in the bar, Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie. (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.) So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. It’s like a game of Clue!
All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead . . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache. But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger. Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt. So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.
A scuffle ensues, and Kol is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals. Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head. He probably would have gotten much worse. But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand. i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.
The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .
Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .
Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt. The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it, while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals. (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.) Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .
Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.” Neither one wants to do it.
But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts. They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse. We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.
Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans. But really, the Originals should be expecting this. After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once. The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores. Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?
Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena. But then, in a surprise move, Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.
In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing. “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.
Oh, silly Original Mother? Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches? I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon . . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.
Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air. But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?
The Aftermath . . .
Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend. (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!) Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship. She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold. So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses. How sweet!
Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire. (Grams would have hated that!) And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result. (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)
Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . .
Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too. Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉
“What are you wearing?”
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss. There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena. On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying. On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”
Now, with this, I agree. Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original. Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive. And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.
Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge. He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return. But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with, in the first place. And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .
At least, I hope so . . .
In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake. Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her. Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion. How adorable! Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .
Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse. There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually. So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂 He’s still super pretty though!
Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist. This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .
In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons. “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.
Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer. But that would just be too easy. As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time. That remains to be seen. But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .
Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .
But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?
And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉
You are invited to dance with, screw, and possibly be murdered by some of the hottest vampires in Mystic Falls. R.S.V.P., A.S.A.P!
Howdy fangbangers! This week on TVD we had a BALL . . . multiple balls, in fact . . . depending on your definition of the term. 😉
It was also a very good week for dancing, shipping, and, of course, surprise “back door entrances.” So chug back a glass of Petrova Doppelganger blood, slip into your fanciest finery, and prepare for some “Dangerous Liaisons.”
My Knight and Shining Elijah
You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Williamson and Co. Somehow, they can take even the tiredest of TV and Movie tropes, and give them a fresh twist to make them seem new and interesting again. Case in point: you’ve probably all seen the “someone’s hiding in the backseat of your car” scene, about a few dozen times before tonight.
“Hey, would you mind lowering that axe, I can’t see out of my review mirror . . .”
And that’s precisely what I, and I suspect many of you, thought was coming, when the writers made a point of spending FIVE FULL MINUTES on Elena having a seemingly useless conversation with Matt outside the hospital, and SLOWLY getting her car ALONE, all the while, with the distinct feeling that SOMEONE WAS WATCHING HER.
What we didn’t expect was that the stalker in question wasn’t actually in Elena’s car, but rather, behind it, and then, subsequently, under it. That’s right, folks. Elena HIT and Ran Over her stalker. But when she emerged from the car to check out what had happened . . . wait for it . . . NO ONE WAS THERE . . .
Until SOMEONE HAD HER UP AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR . . . and not exactly in a hot, foreplay, way either . . .
But, worry not! The Gentleman Vampire Elijah is not going to let anything happen to the woman who shares a face with his first (and second) love, even if it means going against his sister . . .
Umm . . . yeah, if by “pathetic” you mean “AWESOME!”
Cue TVD’s resident recapper Elijah’s filling in Elena, off screen about what happened in the last scene of “Bringing Out the Dead.” Now, that was a conversation I would have liked to have seen!
. . . this might be the first time Elena knows something about the supernatural world, before Damon and Stefan do. It’s kind of cool to see her schooling them, like that. Damon, in particular, is annoyed that the Scooby Gang did all this work to open the Fourth Coffin, only to find that it’s contents were nothing more than a Family Reunion Party in a pretty little package . . .
After all, if all Mama Original plans to do with Klaus, is kiss and make up with him . . . well that’s really not going to help him DIE, now is it?
And yet, as those of us who have already watched the episode know, Damon’s view of the situation is a bit myopic . . . And I mean that in the nicest way possible, TV Boyfriend . . .
Knock, Knock . . . Who’s there? No one?
Apparently, despite being thousands of years old, the Original Family has still not outgrown the game: “ding, dong, ditch.” Elena finds an invitation to the Michaelson’s (that’s the Original Family’s name, BTW) Ball. (I guess Damon’s and Stefan’s got lost in the “ditch.”)
On the back of the invitation is a little love note from Esther Original. It says, “Come and play with me at the party. I promise I won’t send Ghost Vicki to burn you alive in your car again, like last time. LOL. XOXO – Esther.”
Or something like that . . .
Elena wants to attend the sitdown, suspecting that perhaps it might help in the whole “Kill Klaus” thing. Stefan seems to agree with her (either that, or he just thinks that agreeing with her will help him get into her pants faster). But Damon thinks it’s a terrible idea . . . probably because it is a terrible idea.
This isn’t the first time Elena has gotten involved with an Original, and Damon has disapproved . . . while Stefan sat back and watched, hands folded across his chest.
The difference, of course, is that back then, Stefan’s constant agreement with Elena, was his way of showing her love. Now, he’s agreeing with her to hide those same feelings.
“That’s your job,” Stefan says to Damon, regarding the responsibility of caring for Elena. This would be fine, if we DIDN’T just hear Stefan admit he was in love with Elena, last week.
Which version of Ripper Stefan are we going to get next week?
Make up your mind, Buddy!
At the end of the scene Damon promises to check out the whole Mommy Dearest thing for Elena. He assumes this means that he will get to go to the ball, while Cinderella Elena, and the trusty mouse that helps dress her (Stefan) will stay home. Silly Damon! What makes you think Elena would ever give up the opportunity to dance with you?
Meet the Michaelsons
In last week’s episode, all of the Original “kids” (if you can call them that), all seemed pretty united in kicking Klaus’ ass . . . both physically, and emotionally. But this week, we really got to see the various dynamics and alliances between them . . . For example, Kol seems to have an almost incestuous affection for his sister . . .
. . . has little love lost with his mother, and really, really, really does not get along with Klaus. (Now, we know why Klaus feared facing him alone.)
In some ways, Kol is scarier than Klaus, because he genuinely seems to lack anything resembling empathy . . . His only concern is himself (and maybe Rebekah). As for Klaus, as impulsive, calculating, and sometimes downright evil he can be, we all know that inside, he is made of mush, fatherly neglect, a need to be loved, and a deep, deep attraction to blonde baby vampires named Caroline . . .
Klaus’ mother, on the other hand, seems all goopy sweetness and light, which, at least on this show, makes her entirely suspect . . .
Speaking of suspect . . .
Fondly Klaus
At Caroline’s house, we see her get a phone message from Tyler. This is actually Tyler’s only appearance in the entire episode . . . a disembodied voice in the iPhone. It’s sad, really. But I was glad that Tyler saw fit to call Caroline about her dad’s death, and that he’s trying to “cure” his sire bond for her. Caroline seemed touched as well.
. . . just not in the way he wanted to touch her, if you catch my drift.
Ding, Dong, Ditch, again! Like Elena, Caroline just landed herself an invitation to the Michaelson’s ball. But the little love note on the back of her card isn’t from Goopy Sweetness and Light, Esther. It’s from Klaus . . .
Did I mention he also bought her a dress? Oh Tyler. Get thee back to Mystic Falls pronto. Your hours and hours of sacrifice and excruciating pain are no match for the likes of Tiffany and Vera Wang . . .
Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Caroline discuss the freaky weirdness that is the Michaelson’s ball. “It’s some freaky Cinderella fetish,” Caroline muses.
There is some discussion as to which Salvatore will be escorting Elena to the ball, since one of them recently lost his “feelings” chip, and the other one, MADE OUT WITH HER, LIKE A BAMF!
Yeah . . . apparently, Little Witch Bonnie is fairly lame, when it comes to the whole “secrets keeping” thing.
Caroline is more than a bit hurt that Elena didn’t tell her, herself, especially considering how quickly Elena told Caroline the first time she and Matt kissed. It’s funny how vampires and a supernatural lifestyle can mess with your priorities. Speaking of Matt, he actually seems to be the only one who actually gets his invitation to the ball handed to him, by Rebekah, no less . . .
Caroline and Elena look on with concern, and decide that they should attend the ball, after all, if only to prevent a guy they both dated, once upon a time, from being eaten . . .
Cinderella Fetishism at its Best . . .
It may be the Michaelson’s dance, but the place it’s held looks suspiciously like Tyler Lockwood’s house. Am I wrong? I guess it’s just easier to use and reuse this set, everytime Mystic Falls has one of it’s big fancy parties.
Also, the place is packed! What’s the population of Mystic Falls, anyway, especially considering that about three humans and three random supernatural characters seem to get killed here, at least once a week? I mean, if that’s not population control, I don’t know what is? Additionally . . . THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT. . . New York City, it clearly, isn’t . . .
But i digress . . . Damon — who may or may not have gotten his own invitation — is flirting with Carol Lockwood, who claims she is playing nice with the vampire neighbors, in order to keep her town safe. Enter Kol, who, in about two minutes, manages to disarm Tyler’s mom, and brutally insult Damon, in one quick shot.
This town doesn’t have a prayer . . .
Generally speaking, our man Damon doesn’t take kindly to insults, particularly by vampires. But fortunately for Kol, Damon is a bit distracted by a recent occupant of the ballroom. It’s Elena. And between her curled hair, vampy makeup, and big poofy black sequined ball gown, she’s looking more than a bit Katherine-y. Damon most definitely approves . . .
I’ll never get over the way Damon looks at Elena, particularly when she’s dressed up. What girl wouldn’t want to be looked at that way, by the man of her dreams? And Elena gets to be looked at that way by two men?
B*TCH!
After expressing annoyance with Elena for disregarding their wishes and attending the ball, both Damon and Stefan offer themselves up as her escort . . . one sexy suited vamp per arm. It just doesn’t get much better than that, folks . . .
While our main love triangle is already enjoying the festivities, Caroline is still at home, trying in vain to find something to wear to the party that isn’t the dress Klaus purchased for her. We know she owns at least other ballroom gown . . . the one she wore to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. But it’s NO Klaus Gown, and Caroline knows it.
The box remains on her bed, taunting her . . . teasing her . . . “Wear me!” It says, in Klaus’ accent.
Caroline sighs, having no choice but to obey . . . blame it on the “sire dress” bond, or whatever . . .
Caroline seemingly arrives at the dance, about two seconds later. I’d say this was an editing problem. But vamps do have superhuman speed after all. One look at Klaus’ face, as he sees Caroline enter the room, clad in his dress AND his bracelet, and we know, for certain that the Big Bad Original Vamp isn’t the one holding the cards in this relationship. “Love is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Klaus has been quoted as saying.
“I need a drink,” are Caroline’s first words to Klaus, as she sidesteps him, and heads to the bar. (a.k.a. the party version of I can’t go out with you, because “I’m washing my hair.”)
Finn pops by Elena to remind him that her invitation didn’t come with a “plus one,” and it certainly didn’t come with a “plus 2.” He reminds her that, if she wants to hang with the Original Witch, she’s going to have to go in there alone. Well, of course she does! The question is, will Damon let her . . .
Speaking of Damon, he finds Elena again, just as the Michaelsons request that their guests join them in a waltz.
Sly little doobie that he is, Damon manages to keep Elena from traipsing after the Original Mother by reminding her how orgasmic the pair can be on a dance floor. “It would be rude not to dance,” whispers Damon in her ear, as he delicately grabs hold of her arm.
And suddenly, it’s the Miss Mystic Falls pageant all over again . . .
“You look stunning, if it isn’t obvious,” says Damon, admiring his dance partner with a reverence and awe, bordering on religious.
When it comes to dancing, Damon and Elena possess a language that is all their own. It is in the way that they look at, and touch one another . . . and how they glide across a dance hall together, incredibly in sync, as if they are meant to be doing nothing else.
Stefan looks on with obvious jealousy. Well, well, well, look who decided to wear his emotions this week?
Speaking of Stefan, I thought it was interesting that he “cut in” at the dance, by twirling Elena toward him, since that’s precisely what Damon did to him, back in “The Last Dance.”
The parallel to that episode is quite fitting, when you think about how, back then, Damon accused Stefan of being too emotionally attached to Elena to make the hard decisions regarding Klaus’ death, and her safety. “I’m the one that’s going to keep her alive,” he said memorably.
Now, it’s Damon, playing the role of the emotionally attached, and Stefan, in the role of cold-hearted protector. It’s for this reason, at least partially, that Elena seeks a private audience with Stefan, whereas, at this time last year, she might have chosen Damon . . .
Her specific request is for Stefan to help Elena get in to Mama Original, without Damon following her, or trying to stop her. “You care more about boning killing Klaus than anything,” am I wrong? Elena inquires of her ex.
Stefan hesitates for a few moments, but ultimately agrees. At this point, both parties know that Stefan’s whole “I have no feelings” thing, is totally a charade, but they decide to go along with it, anyway. Elena muses that Stefan’s tendency to allow Elena make whatever stupid decision she’s decided to make for the week, without argument, is something she loved about him, while they were dating, and still loves now.
It would seem that Elena, like a certain Vampire Katherine, before her, prefers her boyfriends to be pliant and obedient . . . Go figure!
Meanwhile, Klaus and Caroline are doing their own little flirtatious waltz. Though our first official introduction to this duo, was the whole “arm sucking / life saving” thing, this is the first time we’ve really had the opportunity to see these two interact on a sort-of even playing field.
It’s fun to see how disarmed Klaus is by Caroline. He’s in total wooing mode, and not quite sure how to handle her wariness, or feistiness. This is a woman he can’t control through fear. And while he could theoretically compel her (assuming she’ not on vervain), that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, as what he’s doing now . . .
Speaking of Caroline’s wariness, and feistiness, this is really the first time we’ve seen a woman interact with Klaus who isn’t deathly afraid of him. (Though some might argue, she probably should be . . . she most of all.) Elena, Bonnie, Katherine, even Klaus’ own sister, to some extent, all treated the Original Hybrid with a certain degree of terror and disdain. But Caroline’s almost stupidly brave around Klaus, having no qualms at all about sassing him, or insulting him. And it’s that aspect of her personality that seems to intrigue him, all the more . . .
Like Tyler, Klaus begins by apologizing about Caroline’s dad’s death, but Caroline won’t hear it. So, he instead smugly remarks on her choice of dress and jewelry, despite her protestations that she is “spoken for” by Klaus’ very own sire, Tyler.
But I think my favorite exchange between these two, was when Klaus noted that Caroline was a good dancer, and Caroline explained that she was Miss Mystic Falls. “I know,” responded Klaus with a grin.
Apparently, not even Original Hybrids are above Googling the objects of their affection . . .
In which Elena pisses me off THREE TIMES in under twenty minutes . . .
Elena texts Damon to meet her in the study. And when he arrives he’s attacked from behind, by his own brother, who BREAKS HIS NECK. Elena looks sad about this, for all of one second, before dashing upstairs to meet the Original Mother. – Time Elena Pissed Me Off this Week # 1
En route to Mommy Dearest, Elena runs into Elijah, who’s seemed more than a bit smitten with her of late. Memories of Tatiya, I guess. (Man, is there anyone on this show, aside from Klaus, who isn’t head over heels for this girl. It’s frustrating!) Elijah admits to Elena that he’s not quite sure of his own mother’s motives for bringing the family together. And it’s causing him to ask questions, he never thought he would ask. “Can I depend on you to tell me what she says?” Elijah asks.
Elena agrees. Poor Elijah. You might be honorable. But the girl to whom you are speaking just convinced her ex boyfriend to break his brother / her sort-of lovers’ neck. Now to me, that does very little to render her statements to you, at all trustworthy . . .
When Elena arrives in the Original Hybrid’s bedroom, Finn is there. And there’s just something weirdly incestuous about the relationship between these two, as well! It’s a little gross. I’m not going to lie. Apparently, this is the part of the episode where the Original Mother answers our questions about how the f*&k she came to be here, in the first place.
According to Mama Original, when Klaus killed her, Ayanna her witchy friend, preserved her body, so that she could leave it, and traverse the spirit world for over 1,000 years, without her corporeal form rotting away. (That’s how she got in touch with Ghost Vampire Vicki in Ghost World. It’s also how she still has witchy powers, even though, we’ve been told that vampires can’t be witches, and vice versa.) Apparently, Ayanna was a Bennett, and that’s why the Bennett Mother /Daughter duo were the only ones capable of opening her coffin.
Oh, and did I mention that she wants to KILL ALL HER KIDS!!!!
Yeah, apparently, she’s decided they are an abomination, or something . . . Right, because a 1,000 year old woman, who’s body has been preserved for 1,000 years, and is trying to murder all her children isn’t an abomination at all . . .
She also apparently threw this whole entire ridiculous ball, just to get her kiddies to drink some cursed champagne. Now, that’s just silly, Mama Original! Your children are perpetual twenty-somethings. You don’t need a big fat ball to get them to drink liquor! They probably do it on their own, every day.
Mama Original explains that she needs the Doppelganger’s blood in the champagne toast, in order to bind the Original Siblings together. (“One drink ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.” It’s Lord of the Rings all over again!) Elena gladly offers her blood, without knowing exactly why she’s giving it. The Original Mother conveniently explains it to her, afterword. “Kill one Original, kill them all.”
Yeah, this woman sucks ass, in a big way . . . worse than her husband, even. Why are the parents on this show so universally despicable? What message does that give our youth? Just sayin’.
Back in the library, Damon awakens to Stefan standing over him, with a smug smile on his face. Let the brotherly ass kicking begin! Name calling is involved. I seem to recall both brothers referring to one another a “controlling dick,” which makes me think dirty thoughts. Stefan accuses Damon of “caring too much,” an accusation that erstwhile villain Damon finds both ironic and offensive, and so do I.
Damon then storms off, in search of his errant lady love . . .
Much like Katherine, before her, it seems that screwing up the Salvatore brother’s relationship is one of Elena’s greatest talents.
DON’T DRINK AND DIE!
Elena is standing next to Elijah at the time that the Original Hybrid makes her dreaded champagne toast. Before it happens, Elijah asks Elena what his mother said to her, and she lies through her teeth, claiming that all Esther wanted to do was apologize to her for the whole “lock you in a burning car” thing. Elijah believes Elena, seemingly, without question. And his unfailing faith in her lying ass, makes me incredibly sad.
But I’m about to get angry. . .
For a few hopeful seconds, it looks as though Elena might prevent Elijah from drinking down his cup of death. It would be so easy to do. All she’d have to do is trade glasses with him . . . or accidentally/on purpose knock the cup from his hand . . . or say, “Don’t drink that, I think Klaus peed in it.”
But NOOOOO! She just lets Elijah drink his own death warrant.
What a heinous b*tch! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 2
A horse is a horse, of course, of course . . .
After the Death Toast, Klaus finds Caroline admiring a horse. She’s a fan of the animals, because they are cute. He likes them because they are loyal. Klaus then tell a nice little story about how his father killed his horse / only friend as a warning.
Oh Klaus, you really know how to sweet talk a girl. There’s nothing like severed horse heads to get a female in the mood . . .
In true Elena fashion, Caroline lectures Klaus on the importance of ironing out differences with your daddy, no matter how many of your horses he has slaughtered. This way, when he dies, you will have no regrets. . . well, aside from regretting that he’s dead, of course. And, in Klaus’ case, regretting that YOU killed him. (But, hey, no family relationship is perfect, right?)
Caroline then gets all sassy again, by telling Klaus that she likes horses AND people. But that people also like her too, probably because she doesn’t try to use them in sacrifice rituals . . .
Later Klaus takes Caroline to his personal art collection, and offers to take her around the world . . . anywhere she wants to go.
Caroline seems entirely tempted, in spite of herself. Evil as he might be, Klaus has really been on his best, and most charming behavior, when it comes to Caroline . . . well, except for the whole “trying to get Tyler to kill her” thing . . . (I’m honestly not sure why Caroline hasn’t made that connection yet.)
Did I mention that Klaus is an artist, himself? And that he tends to draw pictures of the women he “fancies” . . . women like Caroline? Who knew!
But things go south a bit, when Caroline remarks annoyedly of her future boyfriend’s tendency to snap his fingers to get what he wants, and turn them into hybrids when he needs new “friends.” She then pointedly asks Klaus to break the sire bond, between him and Tyler.
After all of Caroline’s remarks, it’s this one that seems to piss Klaus off the most. “I think it’s time for you to leave,” he says petulantly, like a little kid who’s childhood playmate has started calling him names.
But Caroline isn’t done with Klaus, quite yet. “You don’t connect with people, because you don’t try to understand them,” Caroline yells, tossing the super expenive bracelet to the floor, before stomping off.
The assessment seems to affect Klaus deeply, and cause a lot of brooding, on his part.
But Klaus recovers quickly enough to leave Caroline yet another secret gift. This time it’s a handdrawn picture of her next to a horse. Out of context, this seems like an odd, and potentially offensive gift. But given Caroline’s and Klaus’ pony bonding moment, it’s actually a really sweet gesture.
Oh, and there’s also a note . . .”Thank you for your honesty,” it says.
WOW, Klaus must REALLY like being insulted. 😉 At least, now we know how to get into his pants!
Toward the end of the episode, Caroline calls Tyler and begs him to return home. Now, we KNOW she’s falling for Klaus. If she wasn’t, I suspect she wouldn’t be quite so insistent on her boyfriend’s presence as a buffer between them.
Choices . . . choices.
Speaking of buffers . . .
“I’m mad at you, because I’m in love with you.”
When Elena runs into Damon, after getting Stefan to break his neck, she has some serious explaining to do. They are in eachother’s faces again. His hand is on her arm. Their eyes and mouths are inches apart from one another.
In the heat of passion, Damon tells Elena he loves her, for the third time, in their relationship. (Though, in her defense, she still doesn’t remember the first time.)
“Well, maybe that’s the problem,” Elena says coldly.
OK . . . WHAT . . . THE . . . F*&K! SERIOUSLY, ELENA! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 3 through 1,022!
First of all? Coldest, most callous response to an “I love you,” EVER! Second of all, since when does Little Miss Touchy Feely Elena accuse someone of being TOO EMOTIONAL and caring. Hasn’t she just spent the past three seasons TRYING to get Damon to “be the better man” and feel?
Ugh! Who peed in Elena’s cheerios this morning, and made her such a heinous b*tch? We’re totally in a fight right now, her and I . . .
“I care too much . . . I’m a liability . . . How ironic is that?” Damon scoffs.
How ironic, indeed!
Matt’s Knight and Shining Damon
Elsewhere in the party, Kol and Rebekah decide to kill Matt for sh*ts and giggles. They figure it will piss off their mother, and hurt Elena at the same time. But then Matt chivalrously offers Rebekah his coat, and all bets are off.
(Wow, girlfriend must REALLY have never had a guy be nice to her to be so incredibly easy to win over. A cheap ratty coat . . . for a vampire? Seriously!)
Kol, however, is super jealous of Matt, because his sister might actually want to bone him not quite as needy for affection as his sister. So, he accosts Matt on the balcony later that night, and proceeds to break his arm . . . literally.
But worry not, Matt fans! It’s Damon to the rescue!
He throws Kol OFF THE BALCONY, jumps after him, and starts pummeling the pretty boy’s face, like it’s his job. But, of course, when the rest of the party guests emerge from the house to investigate the commotion, Damon, being Damon, just stomps away, instead of explaining why he did what he did . . .
Back at the mansion, Elijah lets his mother know he has done damage control, on the whole vampire fighting thing. “I wish the others were more like you, Elijah,” coos Mother Dearest. (Yeah, Mommy. If you have your way, they will all be like Elijah . . . DEAD.)
Inside mommy’s chambers is her boyfriend / husband, Finn, to whom Mama Original complains that Elijah is too “moral.” “Morality is a vampire’s greatest weakness, apparently.” (Good ole TVD, always teaching us the tough life lessons.)
Apparently, Finn is in on his mom’s whole “kill her kids” plan. “I’m ready to die,” says Finn, who must agree with his mother, about the whole “vampires are abominations” thing.
Great . . . just what our pop culture lexicon needs, another self-loathing vampire . . .
It’s frustrating really, because, if I was a vampire, I would love the sh*t out of myself. No joke. Vampires are awesome . . . particularly, the non-suicidal ones.
To complete spell, we see Finn cut his hand, and drip his blood on a piece of paper, which maps out a bloody family tree across him and his siblings’ names, etch-a-sketch style. I guess this is like the paper version of Bonnie’s nosebleeds . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan walks Elena home, while she informs him of the Wicked Original Witch’s nefarious kid-killing plans. The former reminds Elena that she has nothing to feel guilty about, in terms of killing Elijah, because Klaus has brought nothing but darkness into her life. (Ummm . . . maybe . . . but Klaus isn’t Elijah.)
The pair also both admit to one another that they were mean to Damon, and that this might explain why he went after Kol the way he did. If only they knew . . .
As Stefan is leaving, Elena calls him back to the site of the epic Delena kiss. (That is sacred ground, Elena. Don’t you dare kiss him, or I will hack off your lips, and send them to you via Fed Ex.) She wants to know how Stefan can “not feel,” and wishes that she could do the same thing. Well, Elena, for what it’s worth, I thought you were pretty unfeeling to Damon! So, that’s progress in the “becoming heartless” department! Stefan then pretty much admits to Elena, that the reason he’s seemingly turned off his humanity, and has been pretending not to care about Elena, is not to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain of reliving what he did last summer . . . and, of course, reliving his BITING of Elena. (No word on reliving that time, when he tried to drive her off a cliff.)
Elena seems heartened by this, somewhat . . .
Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a gloomy Matt ignores Rebekah’s apologies and romantic advances, because her brother BROKE HIS ARM, and he doesn’t have health insurance. (Apparently, the only health coverage Only Bar gives it’s employees is a lifetime supply of vervain.)
Enter Drunk Damon, who’s chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle that he’s conveniently brought to the bar from home. “Rejected by the high school football captain,” he says sliding into the seat next to her. “Welcome to adolescence.”
After tossing back a shot or two, Damon reminds Rebekah that she would have crushed Matt in bed anyway, and that she should find someone more . . . ahem . . . durable.
Next thing you know, Damon and Rebekah are back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, throwing one another against walls, ripping eachothers clothes off, and . . . butt humping?
This isn’t the first time, Damon has dealt with mistreatment by Elena, through sex with others. We’ve seen it happen with Caroline, Katherine, Rose, and Andie, before Rebekah.
The difference, of course, is that Elena REALLY deserves this one. And I can’t wait until she finds out that her erstwhile vampire lover has been schtupping the woman who wants her dead. Revenge is definitely sweet, but it also might give you a VD . . .
Next week on TVD, Elena gets more of her just desserts, when Elijah finds out about her little fib, and responds by kidnapping and holding her hostage. Yep, the honeymoon period is definitely over between these two.
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