Tag Archives: Episode 16

ONCE UPON A TIME: It’s the FINAL COUNTDOWN!

Never gets old . . .

(Cross posted at Agonybooth.com)

It’s the end of this show, as we know it, folks. The biggest of Big Bads has finally arrived to battle the Save-iest(?) of Saviors! But first, we’ve got some CGI spiders to mutilate, and a pirating adventure to endure. Also, Henry’s got some gross white goo in his eyes, and that “Evil” Author from last season just really wants Hamilton tickets, dammit!

So, without further adieu, let’s talk about “Mother’s Little Helper.”

Along Came a Spider

Last week we got a CGI Kraken, and this week we got the large furry spider from the movie Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Honestly folks, if a CGI Dumbo doesn’t make an appearance before this series ends, I will be super upset.

But before we get to Ole Spidey, let’s talk about Gideon. He’s in Emma’s house, asking her to help him murder the Black Fairy. Emma’s all, “See, I kinda would have maybe helped you. But then you tried to murder me, and banished my boyfriend on a bluish submarine, where he almost got murdered by a CGI Kraken. And then you threatened to hurt me again, so, ummmm . . . yeah . . . I’m going to pass. Next time just say ‘please.’ A little politeness goes a long way when you are basically hiring a hitman for your surrogate mother.”

To prove she’s serious about the whole “not helping” thing, Emma throws Gideon against a wall using her lightning fingers and gives him a pretty gnarly nosebleed, which, for all you Gideon haters out there, was actually pretty cathartic to watch.

Emma experiences a change of heart soon after though, when Rumple reminds her that basically every bad thing that ever happened to her throughout this entire series pretty much indirectly stemmed from the Black Fairy. (It much more directly stemmed from Rumple himself, but let’s not get too picky here.) Emma then finds Gideon at the clock tower, and agrees to help him kill Black Fairy, but only if Gideon agrees to give her back the Savior Murdering sword he stole from her, and also un-banish her boyfriend.

The two frenemies shake hands over their newly established detente, and head over to Mickey Mouse’s house, where supposedly Emma’s savior magic can be used to open a portal, so that Emma can get to the Black Fairy and murder her ass. Unfortunately, someone beat the pair to the house . . . and by “someone” I mean a Big F*&king Gross Spider.

Gideon and Emma try running away from the Big F*&king Gross Spider for a little bit. But then Gideon turns on Emma, pushes her into a giant spider web (which literally appeared out of nowhere . . . is that how spiders work, because I don’t think spiders work that way, not even Big F*&king Gross Spiders?). Dark One Junior then steals back Emma’s Savior Murdering Sword, and runs off, leaving her to die by suffocation, wrapped up in a spider web like a mummy.

Well, that was kind of rude! Your social networking skills could use a little work, Gideon . . .

Never Trust a Pirate

Speaking of untrustworthy douchebags, Captain Hook challenges fellow fictional pirate villain Blackbeard to a game of cards, in the hope of winning from him a magic bean he could use to portal back to Emma in Storybrooke. Blackbeard agrees to play, but only if Hook agrees to give him his ship, the Jolly Roger, if he loses. Hook ultimately does lose the card game (but only because Blackbeard cheated).

Ahhh, but there’s a twist. Hook admits to Blackbeard that his ship is back in Storybrooke, and Blackbeard can only get to it by using the magic bean, and taking Hook with him. It’s admittedly a pretty savvy move by a character who isn’t always known for being the sharpest tool in this show’s shed.

Unfortunately, because Gideon’s curse has prevented Hook from properly portaling back to Storybrooke, Hook and Blackbeard end up in, of all places, Neverland, where the pair of pirates are promptly chased and shot at with arrows by a hoard of angry Lost Boys (I use the term Boys loosely, because they all look about 40-years old).

Blackbeard finds canoe near a body of water, and quickly knocks Hook unconscious, so that he can escape Neverland on his own, leaving Hook to do battle with the Lost Boys solo. Of course, Hook could have totally fit in the canoe too, but Blackbeard doesn’t care. Just like in Titanic, Jack could have totally fit on the piece of wood Rose was resting on, but she let him freeze and drown anyway. I never understood that about Titanic . . . Maybe Rose was an asshole all along, just like Blackbeard, and we just never knew.

Anyway, I hope you brought along your shell phone, Hook. Because you are going to really need to phone a friend, right about now. Just don’t call Rose from Titanic, if you value your life.

Writer’s Block Can Make You Evil

Speaking of needing friends, Regina finds herself totally at a loss for how to break the sleeping curse that is preventing Snow White and Prince Charming from ever appearing in the same episode together, thus saving the Once production crew a lot of money in actor salaries. So, she decides to give Henry a grocery list of potions that might help her on this front.

Side note: Whatever happened to Henry’s girlfriend? Is she also under a sleeping curse, due to budgetary restrictions? Last season, the show introduced an entire high school of kids from the Land of Untold Stories, and this kid still hasn’t managed to find one other friend under the age of 35, except for said MIA Girlfriend. Is it any wonder he’s slowly turning into a mixture of Norman Bates from Psycho, because of the whole Mother Obsession thing, and Jack from The Shining, because of the whole Writer Turned Crazy Person thing?

Anyway, as Henry is writing the list, his eyes go all milky white, and he starts jotting pages and pages of jibberish into his notebook before passing out. When Henry awakens he has no clue what it was he was writing or why, but it looks suspiciously like “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.”

Assuming that Henry’s sudden prolific, albeit crappy, writing abilities have something to do with his Magic Author Powers (up to this point, the so-called “Author” has only been shown writing one sentence at a time, and even then, only when the plot requires it.), Regina and Henry pay a visit to the “asylum,” where the show stores all Big Bads that managed to make it through their season without being murdered. There, they find Other Author Isaac.

Other Author Isaac is willing to instruct Henry and Regina on the former’s sudden Eye Goo Problem, but only if Regina gets him out of the asylum and into a porsche headed to NYC. Also, Other Author Isaac wants Hamilton tickets, because who doesn’t?

Regina agrees to Isaac’s requests (well, minus the Porsche and the Hamilton) only to learn that (1) Henry’s author powers are taking over his body and could eventually make him evil (thus making my The Shining reference all the more relevant, if I do say so myself); and (2) Emma’s battle with the Black Fairy is coming soon, which means the end of the fairytale book, and, possibly this series.

Not for the “Feint” of Heart

Speaking of the Black Fairy, this week’s flashback sheds some light on her parenting skills, and why they will undoubtedly earn Gideon a lifetime of crappy therapy courtesy Jiminey Cricket. First, we see in live action, the tale earlier hinted at by Gideon, of how the Black Fairy tortured Gideon’s boyfriend Roderick when the two were kids, just to prove that Gideon wasn’t brave or heroic enough to save him.

Twenty-eight years later, the Black Fairy instructs Gideon to hunt down the person who stole her keys, and that person winds up being Boyfriend Roderick all grown up. Roderick begs Gideon to help him sneak into the Black Fairy’s study and use some Magic Eight Ball looking thing to call the Savior and get help to defeat the Black Fairy. But before they can do that, the Black Fairy finds the two guys and punishes them both. She punishes Roderick by turning him into a spider, and squashing him under her shoe. (That’s two too many spiders in this episode, as far as I’m concerned. Bugs are the worst!)

She then punishes Gideon by . . . taking his heart out of his chest, controlling him, and using him to trick Emma into helping him open the portal to free her from the outer realm and bring her into Storybrooke.

Well, at least now we have an explanation for Gideon’s utter douchebaggery! Then again, maybe Gideon is just a garden variety douchebag like Blackbeard or Rose from Titanic, and the whole evil fairy holding his heart thing is just a distraction from that basic truth. The world may never know . . .

Back in present day, Rumple saves Emma from permanent mummification and kills the Big F*&king Gross Spider, which is great, because, as I said, bugs are the worst, whether they are giant CGI versions, or normal-sized ones that used to be your childhood boyfriend.

And yet with the Black Fairy in Storybrooke, Gideon under her control, and her son Henry potentially going full-on Evil Author, Emma’s got a lot more to worry about now than a bad case of arachnophobia.

Until next time, Oncers!

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Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

cheerleading

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Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

freaking hungry

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

klaus cheers

funny face grandpa

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

spirit fingers

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

car coming

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

dont feel anything

kind of dead

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

car parallel 1

car parallel 2 holding on my heart

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One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

spread eagle

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

delena sex real

ian says awesome

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

friday yet

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

rescue

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

happy elena

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

rawr damon

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

is this real

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

blue balls

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

listen

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

surrounded by idiots

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

fanboy 2

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

naked elena

naked torrence

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

soapy damon

see naked

the show

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By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

There Goes the Neighborhood

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

want you to do

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

soap dish smash

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

damon-s-dance-o

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

damon soulful crying

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

going to eat

meat with eyes

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

nite bite

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

fantastic

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

pull heart

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

heart tug

smirky damon

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

surprised-face

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

blue ribbon

dr-evil

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

cheerleader again

dunst make out

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

Damon eye roll

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

april 1

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

left my crap on bus

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

on bus

like ribbon 1

like ribbon 2

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When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

not cheerleading

stop me

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cheerocracy

This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

ploppy

life on my back

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

spirit stick drop

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

in my arms

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

seduce

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

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getting laid

All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

klaus face

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

remember sex

good sexx

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stefan salvatore fist pump best

. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

dancing elena

3 8 dance

That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

texting

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Break on Through

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

pickup sss

dancing steroline

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dont dance

Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

jealous emotion

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

elena what

drinking drug use

eating mom

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

pissed car

oh hell to the no

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

shut up make me

3 6 warrior elena

strangle regina

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

turn on

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This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

tyler points

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

crying care bear

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

hey ladies

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

thirsty damon 2

dont care

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Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

stefan shrug

Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

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This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Last Weekend at JerBear’s (Part 2): A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Stand by Me”

the walk out

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  These are the five stages of grief.  And they were all on display, during this Very Special Episode of The Vampire Diaries . . . each with their own supernatural twists, of course.

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So, break out your hankies, Fangbangers!  Because this one is going to be a tearjerker . . .

damon soulful crying

(Oh, and please don’t forget to checkout my informal tribute to Jeremy Gilbert in Part 1 of this recap!  JerBear needs your support today!)

broken picture

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the kickass screencaps you see here.  He claims he’s going to not read this recap in protest of it’s inevitably schmaltzy content.  But we don’t actually believe him, do we? :)]

shakes head

Denial

she's michael jackson

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“There’s absolutely no way that my brother is dead.  I am NOT in denial.”

It’s Elena who first discovers Jeremy’s limp and lifeless body, covered in his own blood.

hugging dead jer

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Poor guy!  Dumped unceremoniously on the floor, while Katherine escaped to lord knows where . . .

the kat thank me brought cure

 . . . and “Silas” sauntered off to literally “put on his new face.”

300px-Face_Off_Poster

A body like that deserves better . . . Ugly, decrepit, thousand plus year old Silas got his own entire tomb.  Sexy Jer Bear should have at least gotten a small mausoleum, complete with a life-sized marble statute etched in his likeness . . . kind of like Michaelangelo’s David . . . except maybe not as tall . . .

photograph body

steven tattoos

pictures of jer bear

She carries him all the way home from Nova Scotia swaddled in a blanket, like a baby.

swaddled jer

thats not a casserole

“That’s not a casserole!”

Trust me, if Jeremy was alive to see that, he would have hated it.  But Elena can’t help but baby Jeremy.  He’ll always be her little brother, no matter how old or supernaturally buff he gets.  Besides, he’s not really dead .  . . just taking a supernatural ring-induced nap . . . right?  RIGHT?

stefan shrug

Damon stays back in Nova Scotia to find the still-missing Bonnie, and break the bad news  about the cure to Rebekah.  This leaves Stefan and Caroline to deal with Elena, and pass one another “She’s cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” looks, as Elena straddles the dead guy in his bed, and cups his ringed hand in her own, like she’s about to propose marriage.  Jeremy would have hated that too!

hover

take it and get out

Morbid as these scenes were, I have to laugh when Stefan tries to prevent Elena’s vampire ears from hearing him talk about her to Caroline by . . . TURNING ON THE SINK.  Is this guy for real?  This is even more ridiculous than his TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE last week to prevent Klaus from overhearing him.

Damon eye roll

I am proud of Elena for putting those two in their places.

happy elena

She isn’t going nuts.

big bitch crazy

She has good reason to believe Jeremy is still alive . . . sort of.  After all, this isn’t exactly the first time Jeremy Gilbert has laid lifeless on his bed . . . In fact, it’s probably the fourth or fifth.

don't die jer

elena and jer

And besides, JerBear lost his manly tattoos in the caves!  That should make him human again, right?  And humans wear rings of immortality that actually work, in this world . . . even if wearing them eventually turns their minds to mush.  (Sorry Alaric.)

2 22 more drinking alaric vocal-masturbation

Elsewhere, in Denial Town, Caroline is hoping that a nice casserole will make everything better.  Stefan is finally coming to grips with the fact that his ex-girlfriend might just wind up remaining a vampire bonded to Damon for all eternity.  As for Damon, he’s in the forest, trying to convince himself he stayed behind just to find Bonnie . . . not not because he dreads having to face an utterly bereft Elena, and fears that he won’t be able to take away her pain.

damon dont judge

But then poor Jer’s body starts getting grey and stinky.  And for a girl with a vampire nose to avoid that, her denial has to not only exist, but be pretty darn deep.  Is there a doctor in the house?

vampire emergency

Anger

3 6 warrior elena

“NO!  It’s NOT science.  Where was science when you used vampire blood to save my life?”

Someone calls Doctor Meredith, who has to perform double duty as a coroner / undertaker, when she tries to convince Elena to “release the body to her.”  (Shouldn’t she be wearing gloves, a lab coat . . . a surgical mask . . . something?  Talk about unsanitary.)

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Meri-DEATH drops a medical text book babble-filled truth bomb on Elena.

sad mer

“Blah, blah, blah, bloodloss, bloating, blah, blah, blah . . . lividity . . . YOUR BROTHER IS A CORPSE!  GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!”

attack

“NEVERRRRRR! DIE, PUNY HUMAN!”

And honestly, I can’t blame the newbie vamp for going full on Mean Girls rage fest on her ass. . .

strangle regina

After all, when has TVD given two licks about SCIENCE?  Never!

We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes

“I like science!”

NOBODY CARES, SHANE!

This is a world where Mythological “Rules” are made to be broken, and science just plain doesn’t exist .  . . (which likely explains why the students at Mystic Falls High only seem to attend classes in history and gym).  Meredith, herself, probably had to get shipped off to Nova Scotia just to attend Med School.

hold back

Stefan immediately leaps into Hero Mode, in order to prevent Elena from murdering his wife The Only Doctor / Coroner / Undertaker / Supernatural Shrink in Mystic Falls.  But he need not worry.  All it takes is for Matt Donovan to pop by with his Cry Face, and Elena melts into a warm puddle of goo . . . as do we all . . .

Maybe this Matt Kid has superpowers, after all!

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Elsewhere in Anger Town, “Shane” breaks the news to Bonnie that JerBear has taken off his shirt for her for the very last time.  Girlfriend is so pissed that her hookup prospects have just been limited to . . . that guy who’s sort of/ kind of her brother, that she starts to burn down the ENTIRE FOREST WITH HER MIND!  Smokey the Bear would definitely not approve . . .

At this point, part of me was REALLY hoping that Bonnie would turn into the Lost smoke Monster and eat “Shane” ass . .  .

smokey

But alas, it was not to be . . .

soap dish smash

Also angry?  Perpetually Cockblocked Damon!  Damn that Stupid Bond for making him feel perpetually guilty about getting laid by the woman he’s loved for our seasons!  He’d like to KILL that sire bond, if he could.  But he can’t.  So, instead, he uses Rebekah as a human shield to block the arrow heading for his heart.  He then beats that Vampire Hunter Vaughn Guy, within in an inch of his life.

stabbin me

By the way, I’m still trying to figure out what that guy’s purpose on the show is exactly.  Has JerBear’s death and Tyler’s “disappearance” left an opening for Window Dressing on the TVD Casting Roster?  If so, why is Vaughn always wearing so much clothes?

dont understand

Bargaining

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“I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Bonnie . . . Bonnie . . . Bonnie.  Everybody needs Bonnie.  She’s been the magical answer to seemingly every supernatural kerfuffle into which the gang has got itself embroiled in the past.  Why not this one too?

bonnie shane 2

The problem, of course, is that Bonnie doesn’t want to be found.  She wants to curl up into a ball and die, thank you very much.  So, “Shane” has to take drastic measures.  He has to get his eyes all wide and buggy, and mesmerize Bonnie into believing she could bring JerBear and his hot bod back to life.

ring around

When that doesn’t work, he literally brings back the dead .  . . albeit temporarily.  Suddenly, JerBear is on the floor asking Bonnie for help.  Nevermind that he is actually back in Mystic Falls stinking up the Gilbert house . . .

fake jer

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Bonnie doesn’t question it.  She’s still enamored with the memories of her hand running across that delicate firmly muscled skin.  She’ll do whatever it takes to get that body back.  Fortunately, “Shane” has the solution.  Bringing JerBear back to the world of the living?  It’s easy.  All you have to do is murder twelve innocent humans.  No biggie!

drinking shane

Just when Damon is about to return home Bonnie-less, the intrepid witch literally runs right into his arms.  Bonnie and Damon hugging?  Without trying to strangle one another, in the process?  Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us!

hug bonnie 1

hug bonnie 2

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Speaking of the apocalypse, since when did “Silas” become Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects?  From the character’s mythological “too bad to be true” beginnings, to his masquerading as that doofus nerd, Professor Dumpy Dork  . . . They even had the temporarily incapacitated Vaughn borrow a line straight from that iconic film, when he was warning Rebekah about the big bad’s inevitable escape.  “How do you run from the Devil, if you don’t even know what he looks like?”

Yeah, I don’t know about you.  But I wasn’t all that shocked when the soon-to-be-dead Shane revealed that Silas had somehow assumed his form, in order to wreak havoc on Mystic Falls.

funny shane

“Anybody have a toothbrush I could borrow?”

I was only surprised he didn’t do it sooner.  That said, I have to say that”Shane” is much sexier as Evil Silas, than he ever was as that annoying, boring mythology spewing, Professor Dumpy Dork.  So, there might be hope for this character yet . . .

funny face shane

“You like me?  You really like me?”

Meanwhile back home, Matt brings Elena to school, to show her that it’s OK to still have hope for her brother’s survival.   And why not? School is a pretty hopeful place for the Scooby Gang.

school is rad

“So this is what our high school looks like.  I forgot!”

Think about it.  They haven’t been there for months, and yet no one has ever been expelled!

ok to have hope

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It kind of makes me wonder what the writers are going to do with the inevitable “college” transition for this group.  I mean, these guys are seniors, right?   Have they even applied to colleges at this point?  Have they taken their SATs?  I guess the crew is counting on compelling the admissions officers of the colleges of their choice.  Otherwise, I sincerely hope that Mystic Falls has its own community college . . .

tyler caroline laptop

Tyler: “I’m a Phoenix!”

Caroline:  “No you aren’t, Loser.  You’re a hybrid.”

Tyler: “No, I mean the online colle . . . never mind.”

Anywhoo, Damon brings Bonnie back home, and she explains Silas’ Wackadoo Plan.  Crazy TVD Mythology Alert!

warning

So, here’s the deal . . . Bonnie’s Desperate Loony Ancestor apparently somehow created this separate purgatory for all dead supernatural beings, all so that, when immortal Silas took The Cure and died, his Vampire/Witch self would be separated from his human beloved forever.  But if Bonnie murders 12 humans, that Other Side will somehow cease to exist.  This means that all currently dead Supernaturals come back to life, and all soon-to-be dead supernaturals, like Silas, can go to Heaven (or Hell) just like their human counterparts.

got to be kidding

Sounds great, right?  Except for the fact that some of these supernaturals are SERIOUSLY BAD DUDES .  . . folks like the Hidey Hole Vamps, Esther, Mikael, Kol, and those hot Vampire Hunters from the Original Five to name a few . . .  folks that the Scooby Gang REALLY doesn’t want to see come back to life.  Let’s not forget the fact that doing this involves KILLING MORE PEOPLE.

i told you so

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Aside from that, I’m pretty sure Silas/ Shane is full of sh*t.   I don’t think he has any plans for bringing these people back as anything but evil zombies, primed to do his bidding . . . but that’s just me . . .

nodding oh yeah

Except, maybe it’s not just me.  Because while Bonnie is spitting her Silas-imbibed Crazy Juice all over the Gilbert Kitchen table, Elena is getting this look on her face.  It’s a look of understanding . . . of realization . . . of knowledge . . . of  . . .

Depression

the match

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“There is nothing here for me anymore, Stefan.  Every inch of this house is filled with my love for people who have died.”

April calls looking for Jeremy, and Elena admits that he can’t come to the phone. . .  because he’s dead.  She admits it to April, at the same time that she admits it to herself.  There is no more denial.   No more anger.  No more bargaining.  All that is left is the stench of death, rising from Jeremy’s bed . . . and depression.

hes dead

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As the rest of the Scooby Gang looks on in horror, Elena impulsively drowns the house in kerosene.  She tosses Jeremy’s sketches, and his X-box on the floor, along with the dearly departed Alaric’s bourbon.  She gives Damon Jeremy’s immortality ring (a foreshadowing to Damon’s eventual inadvertent transformation back into a human?).

the ring

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She’s crying and babbling like a woman who has officially lost all of her family.

no more room

scaring me

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She’s scaring Caroline, who has made a vampire career in Keeping up Appearances . . . who hasn’t been able to reach Tyler to tell him what is going on, and who is being eaten up inside by grief, guilt, and concern for her friend.

broken down matt

Outside in his car, Matt has just dropped Wackadoo Bonnie at home, and has finally allowed himself to experience the loss he has been holding at bay for Elena’s benefit.  His wrenching release of emotion is arguably more heartbreaking than anything we’ve experienced throughout this entire emotional episode . . .

matt car breakdown

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Back in the Gilbert’s house, Elena is inconsolable.  She’s screaming and crying.  She’s in pain.  Suddenly, it’s as if all the familial losses of the past three seasons, that she’s kept at bay, in order to soldier on, have suddenly revisited themselves upon her, with a vengeance.

i hurts

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It’s one of the curses of being immortal.  You are doomed to watch the people you love die, over and over again.  And you can never join them.  It’s something Stefan and Damon have inevitably had to cope with in their long lives.

miss being human

But Elena is not 165.  She is only 18.  And she has already lost more loved ones than she can count on her fingertips.  She’s not sure she’ll be able to survive this . . . and, quite, honestly, neither are her friends.

im not enough

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Damon and Stefan both love Elena, in their own ways.  And it literally kills them to see her in this much pain.

big comfort

Stefan tells Damon to do what he has to do to help Elena, even if it involves invoking the dreaded sire bond.

help her

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I’ve actually given this a lot of thought.  I’ve tried to determine whether Damon had any other options available to him, to help Elena, aside from doing what he ultimately did.  Had he done nothing, but comforted her, and allowed her to cry on his shoulder, would she have eventually soldiered on?  Or would she have become so bereft that she ultimately took her own life, by meeting the sun?

comfort

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In terms of evoking the sire bond, was there some other command Damon could have given, aside from the one he ultimately gave to ease her pain?  My first thought was that he could have told her to simply substitute her sadness for feelings of hope and comfort.  But I suspect that would not have worked.  After all, though rooted in  love, the sire bond actually only effects actions, and cannot be used to CHANGE emotions, in and of, itself.

act not feel

A more practicable solution would have been for Damon to tell Elena to FORGET . . . FORGET that Jeremy had died. . .  FORGET all the loss she experienced.  Heck, he could even tell her to believe that Jeremy had stayed in Denver. And she would have believed it, if she thought that believing that would have made him happy.

jerelena

But would that have been a better solution, or an even more inhumane one?

intense damon

So, Damon did what I believe he truly felt was his only option.  He told Elena to turn off her humanity, and her emotions, even if it meant that her love for him would cease to exist.  He did it to spare her pain . . . possibly to save her life.  He did it to give her the gift of . . .

turn it off

want you to do

stone faced elena

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Acceptance?

after the turn off

no feelings no attachments

“I’m not enough for her.  Not this time.”

Outside, for their very last Porch Scene, Damon and Stefan come to, if not necessarily a truce, at least an understanding of one another.  Damon explains to Stefan why what he did for Elena was the only possible solution in his eyes.

know that 1

know that 2

know that 3

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Damon assumes he will eventually be able to use the sire bond to bring back Elena’s humanity, when the time is right.  But, honestly, I’m not so sure.  If the sire bond is seeped in Elena’s preexisting love for Damon, what happens when she no longer feels that love.  Will he still have the same hold on her?  That remains to be seen.

3 2 hello brother damon

Anywhoo, the loss of Jeremy, in a weird way, brings these two brothers together, who, despite their differences, are grateful to still have one another, even after all these years . . .

Inside, Elena gives her brother one last look, before coldly lighting the match that will ultimately incinerate her childhood home.  In telling Elena to reconsider her decision, Stefan is appealing to a humanity that Elena no longer has.  She answers dispassionately.

kerosene spill

jeremys drawings

What a waste of good artwork!

A home fire is the best excuse for Jeremy’s untimely demise.  So what if April Young, who was told Jeremy was dead hours ago, asks questions?  She could always be terminated . . .

april 2

In the final moments of the episode, Damon, Stefan and Elena leave the Gilbert House in a Slo Mo sequence that manages to be both Bad Ass and Utterly Depressing at the same time . . .

walking away

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It’s kind of like watching the opening scene to Reservoir Dogs over again  . . . after you’ve seen it before, and know that pretty much everyone is going to die . . .

Back inside the Gilbert household, Jeremy burns to a crisp, along with his drawings, his sneakers, his X-Box, and let’s not forget Elena’s diary.  Don’t fret, JerBear.  Other Side or No Other Side, you can rest assured you are going to get laid like a champ in the Great Beyond . . . Dead or alive that body of yours is just too good to resist!

burnt jer

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I’m burning up for your love, JerBear!

Next week on TVD, Evil Elena eats some cheerleaders, joins a nudist colony, and engages in a foursome with Stefan, Damon, and Caroline.  In other words, “Bring it On” is going to be the best fanfiction ever written!

See you in a few weeks, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Get OUT of my HEAD! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Break on Through”

[Note:  The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way!  Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours.  It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31.  Thanks for your patience!]

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Hey there, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train.  Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed.  Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show.  Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.”  And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting?  So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

“We are predators, not puppies.”

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Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move?  Alaric can relate . . .

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“Hey sexy, what’s shaking?  Whaddya say, after this we go hit up the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, have a few drinks together and make some bad decisions.”

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“Well, that depends .  . . are YOU buying?”

While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil.  (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”)  Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors.  “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . . and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)

The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one.  It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess!  Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena.  (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)

“Don’t worry, Alaric!  Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”

Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena.  Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?”  Well, apparently, so does Elena.  And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .

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 . . . nevermind the fact that her guardian and her brother are still on a One-Way trip to Wacky Serial Killer Town.

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Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits.  All these different women!  Poor Steffie will get indigestion!  Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .

Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .

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“Hey!  What’s wrong with puppies aside from the fact that Stefan used to eat them?”

Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem.  He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed!  He needs to go back to his vampire roots.  And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . . which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed .  . . not as good as Damon, of course.  But better . . .

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Oh, I don’t know Elena . . . Damon has spent three seasons, doing this . . .

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  . . . and this . . .

 . . . and this . . .

 .  . . without jumping YOUR bones . . .

I think it’s safe to say he knows a thing or two about “self control.”

Speaking of self-control . . .

“B Positive!”

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Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie.  Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . .  .

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“Oh, Pink Flower, your stamen is SOOOO big, it TOTALLY turns me on!”

(This reminds me .  . . I forgot to water my cactus, this year.)

Meanwhile, over at the Wickory Bridge, Damon gets to reunite with not one, but TWO of his 900 +-year old sex partners.

 (I guess he has a thing for older women . . . and, of course, much, much younger ones . . .)

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Hot for Teacher . . .

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 I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided to fix that ole’ bridge everybody is always falling off, and drowning.  (Good for them!)  Damon offers to take Alaric and his new girlfriend, Dr. Secret Psycho, there for some fresh air.  You know, because there’s nothing like spending time on a Man-Made Death Trap to make a Supernaturally-Made Death Trap feel less alone in the world.

“I feel so personally connected to this bridge.  I bet it’s killed a lot of Founder’s Council Members over the years too.  Good work, brother!” 

Mama Lockwood, who has no idea she’s talking to a serial killer of FOUNDER’S COUNCIL members takes this opportunity to bug Alaric about his forgetting to bring by some old sign, in honor of the re-opening of the bridge.  (Believe it or not, this detail will actually be important later.)

“I’m sorry, Mama Lockwood, I’ve been kind of busy carving all your friends up like the big fat Thanksgiving turkeys they are it just slipped my mind.” replies Alaric politely.

Shortly thereafter, Alaric and Crazy Nanny Carrie exit stage left, allowing Damon some alone time with His Women.

“Ladies, ladies.  There is no need to fight.  My manhood is big enough for both of you . . . and Elena.” 

After doing a little flirtatious sleuthing, Damon quickly surmises the reason for both of his lady friends’ sudden reappearances on the bridge.  Rebekah has been looking into some random tree, though Damon is not quite sure why.  As for Sage, she’s apparently been pining for that Death Wish-Having, Mama’s Boy Finn for the 900-years, since he turned her, and was hoping he’d stop by.  (Well, at least now we know why she and Damon get along so well!  And here, I thought it was just about the amazing sex.)

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Always eager to spread bad news, Rebekah bounds over to tell Sage that Finn has left town, and that his heart only belongs to one woman, his wackjob mother . . .

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Primed for a little lady fighting, Sage offers to help Damon figure out what exactly it is that Rebekah is hiding from him.  All he has to do is turn on the charm, a little bit, and get her to pop by La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Sexy Times.  Sage knows full well, that no woman in her right mind would ever refuse an invitation to Damon’s Bed of Champions . . .

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 . . . least of all the vulnerable, and perpetually sex-starved, Rebekah . . . who, like everyone on this show (except for maybe Psycho Alaric) really just wants to be LOVED, right?

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As Sage had predicted, Rebekah doesn’t need much convincing.  And soon enough, our fabulous vampire threesome have made plans for an X-rated Date with Destiny . . .

Meanwhile, back in Broody Town . . .

Well, THAT’S a pretty creative use of a knitting needle . . .

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Elena has conveniently invited herself into La Casa de Rich and Awesome because she heard about Damon and the threesome.  Supposedly, she’s come to check out a book from Salvatore Library on her batsh*t crazy ancestor, Samantha.  She finds Stefan in the living room, drinking blood of course.  (This guy is clearly an emotional binge eater . . . How does he never get bloated?  I mean, I know he’s dead and all, but you have to wonder sometimes, where it all goes.)

Damn you, and your super fast vampire metabolism.  DAMN YOU!

Knowing how much his girlfriend hates to read (I mean, let’s face it, girlfriend hasn’t set foot in a classroom in about six months.), Stefan chivalrously offers to give Elena the Cliff Notes version of that Big Bad Book she’s cradling in her arms.  Long story, short: her ancestor chopped her head open with a knitting needle, and bled to death in the loony bin.  (OK, who the heck gave the INSANE SERIAL KILLER a knitting needle?  Someone needs to put a dollar in the Moron Jar, stat.)

Ever the Bastion of Positivity, Stefan concludes his story, by giving it a “feel good” moral: “P.S. Alaric’s probably going to end up attempting to crochet an afghan with his brain too.  And there’s basically nothing you can do about it.  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time.”

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Yeah, she didn’t really hit him.  I am just saying that, if she did, he totally would have deserved it . . .

“Two is company, three is a party.”

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(In my next life, I would like to be The Guy Who Covers Ian Somerhalder’s Weiner with Bits of Fabric to Appease the Censors.  That guy always seems to be one sneeze away from a Wardrobe Malfunction.)

When Damon arrives home from his Double Date at Death Bridge, Stefan is FUMING MAD . . .

*insert snarling and growling noises here*

“How dare you tell Elena I’m a vampire who drinks human blood  . . . oh wait . . . she already knew that . . . I mean, how dare you . . . um . . . talk to Elena without my permission.  YEAH!  That’s it!  Not cool, brother,” gripes Stefan.

Under normal circumstances, Damon would LOVE to continue another round of the Saga of Stefan and Elena, but he has brains to manipulate, and ladies to screw.  And he’s not about to let his little brother cockblock his CWTV-approved Porn Star Moment.

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So, instead, Damon simply offers Stefan a few, Vampire Pride Maxims, for inspiration (“We’re here.  We’re bloodsuckers.  Get used to it!”), and heads off to the bathroom to shower himself in Axe Body Spray . . .

Sage arrives at the party first.  Her housewarming gift is a piano player, who bares a suspicious resemblance to Finn.  (I guess Sage has a “type.”)

“Mommy and I used to play the piano together all the time.  But she always insisted on sitting on my lap, when we did it.  I never understood why . . .”

There’s a rule on this show, that states that all piano players must get mauled by vampires.  And this one is no exception.  Sage wastes no time at all chomping on her Finn Doppelganger, while Damon looks on, eager for the REAL party to get started.  And then, it does . .  .

Like Sage, Rebekah also has not come to the party empty-handed.  She brings over her personal catnip . . . booze, stolen from some Queen . . . somewhere.

Have I mentioned yet today, how much I love the rampant alcoholism on this show?

OK, enough of this lame piano music.  Let’s crank up The Kills on that iPod and DANCE!  (Because we all know how much Damon loves to dance!)

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Ahhhh . . . memories!

Never one to want anyone to feel left out of the party, Damon struts over to Rebekah, and her two left feet, who is busy nursing her bottle of booze and looking forlorn.  The pair share a little piano player snack, and then it’s time for Damon to REALLY turn on the Salvatore charm . . .

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Normally, I would take this opportunity to chastise Boozy Rebekah for being so easily manipulated by Damon’s transparent and superficial attempts at seduction.  But when Damon whispered, “I want you,” in Rebekah’s ear, I looked down at the floor, and found my panties around my ankles . . . and HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO ME!

The man is a genius . . .

So, of course they have to cut out the BEST scene, and skip to the post-coital bedroom cuddle . . .

Fortunately, the magic of gif-making allows us to improvise what likely happened between these two, while the cameras were otherwise occupied . . .

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Then, Sage crawls into bed with Damon and the sleeping Beks, and I’m thinking, “It’s PARTY TIME!”

But then, Sage just fondles Rebekah’s forehead for about two seconds, and walks away . . .

OK, here is where I call “B.S.”  Since when do vampires have Forehead Fondling Mind-Reading powers?  Oh, that’s right . . . they don’t.  Otherwise, Klaus wouldn’t have spent the entire summer ignorant to the fact that Elena wasn’t dead, and Stefan wasn’t really his best friend / minion / willing sex slave . . .

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Nope . . . forehead fondling as a form of communication sounds a lot more like something a WITCH would do.  In fact, it looked a heck of a lot like what Bonnie was doing with that plant, toward the beginning of the episode.  (It’s also very similar to what she did to Luka, back in Season 2).  And yet, we’ve just been told that witches lose their powers, immediately upon being turned into vampires.  So, even if Sage WAS a witch in her former life, there’s a good chance she would have lost her ability to forehead fondle, the minute she sucked on Finn’s bloody teets.

For now, I’m willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt.  But if Sage has some magical powers that even the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world don’t possess, I’m hoping to get some sort of explanation as to why that is the case.  Just saying . . .

Ooooh, but wait!  We aren’t done with sexy times yet.  It’s time for the post-sex shower.  And we all know how much Damon loves getting all wet and soapy . . .

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This time though, it appears our shower is built for TWO.  (All that forehead fondling, must have gotten Sage’s fingers sweaty.)

P.S. Sage apparently has other magical powers, in addition to random dancing, piano player eating, tag team showering, and mind reading.  Now, she’s fondling Damon’s forehead, and GIVING him Rebekah’s memories.  OK, now I’m starting to get scared.  If her head starts spinning around, and green stuff comes spewing out of her mouth, I’m calling the exorcist . . .

Damon, of course, seems completely unperturbed by this odd turn of events.  In fact, he’s kind of thrilled . . .  After all, now he knows there’s still a tree out there that could Klaus et al.

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Damon doesn’t even bother getting dressed, before he makes another trip to the trusty Salvatore library.  (Wearing clothes is SOOO 19th century.)  Please let the towel fall down . . . please let the towel fall down . . . 

Sure enough, he figures out what many of us TVD fans have long suspected . . . . the Wickory Bridge is made almost entirely of White Oak.  In other words, Death Trap Bridge doesn’t just kill Founder’s Council Members like Alaric, it also kills ORIGINALS!  Time to burn the evidence!

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 Sage reappears, during all this, and makes Damon promise not to use the knowledge she gave him to kill her long lost lame lover, Finn.  Damon agrees, crossing his fingers behind his back . . . since he knows, thanks to the spell binding all the Originals together . . . once he stakes Klaus . . .

“Mmm . . . Surrogate Son tastes yummy!”

Something tells me New Guy Jamie is going to fit right in on the cast of The Vampire Diaries  . . . at least, until they inevitably whack him, probably about three or four episodes from now

Coincidentally, I also think she will fit in as Bonnie’s new love incest. It’s not incest.  They promise us it’s not incest, even though they sort-of/kind of have the same crappy mom.  After all, we all know how much Bonnie adores those former child stars, who went on to develop biceps . . .

(New Guy Jamie is the Non-Puppet one, just in case you were confused . . .)

The last time we saw Jamie, he was busy being compelled, and trying to bust a cap in Stefan’s ass . . . now he’s chopping wood (because that’s not at all a metaphor for anything sexual, now, is it?)  Caroline stalks outside to yell at Jamie for not being nicer to his new vampire mother.  She forces him to come inside and be civil.  Let the eye f*&king with Bonnie ensue.  Then, Mama Bennett proceeds to EAT HIS NECK.  Yeah, that’s what you get for listening to Caroline, Jamie.  Eventually, you’ll learn . . .

“How was I supposed to know that Jamie had ‘B Positive, blood!

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Fortunately, Jamie doesn’t . . . you know . . . die, or anything.  But that doesn’t stop Mama Bennett from sneaking out, while the kiddies aren’t home, despite Caroline’s protestations.  I’m really sorry that your Mom totally sucks, Bonnie.  (In more ways than one.) But hey, look on the bright side, considering how rarely you get your own story line, it will probably be at least three seasons, before we find out your father is just as bad . . .

In other news, Bonnie has decided to forgive Elena, and perform the spell that will magically cure Alaric of his Crazy.  (Man, if this were real it would put pharmaceutical companies, insane asylums and therapists out of business.  Witches are BAD for the economy.  . .)  She tells Elena to get something from Alaric’s house that he had before he started wearing his Jamaican Me Crazy Ring.

“Does the bottle of scotch, I had permanently attached to my lips count?”

Back at the Gilbert house, after receiving the password to all of Alaric’s bank accounts  (It’s “vampire slayer,” just in case you’re interested in performing a little identity theft, after reading this recap), Elena offers to head back to Alaric’s apartment to pick up the jewelry item.  Meredith all-too-eagerly agrees offers to stay alone with Alaric, while the latter looks.  (Girlfriend must be really hard-up for sex, if she’s willing to risk being bludgeoned to death for it.)  Ruh-roh!

“Do you feel remorse?  Because you should!’

“Geez, Elena.  You’re a pig.  When’s the last time you cleaned your bathroom counters, Season 1?”

Over at Alaric’s apartment, Elena finds Stefan . . . lurking (because that’s not weird . . . at all).  He agrees to help her search for Alaric’s wedding ring.  While the two are in the apartment, Elena and Stefan find all these creepy pictures of Alaric’s victims (even a picture of himself . . . not sure how he managed that.)

“Automatic timer on his camera?”

There’s also a big packet of information on the Founder’s Council, which Alaric was apparently preparing to send to . . . wait for it . . . Jeremy?!!!

On top of the packet is a letter to Jeremy, instructing him on precisely how to “cleanse the Founder’s council,” using the ring that will “make him strong.”

I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but I really like the way the writers are handling this serial killer story line.  Initially, when I first learned that it was “the ring” making Alaric crazy, I thought that they would use this as a way of completely freeing Alaric of liability for his own actions.

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But what’s interesting about Alaric’s psychosis is that he doesn’t seem “psychotic” in the way Samantha Gilbert was described.  Nope. This is a sociopath, pure and simple . . . a guy with a clear motive . . . one that “sane” Alaric wouldn’t necessarily disagree with: to rid the Founder’s Council of it’s inherent hypocrisy, when it comes to protecting the townspeople from vampires (though their methods of coping with it, might be different).  Bad!Alaric’s moves, up to this point, from attacking himself, to provide himself with an alibi . . . to studying up on the Founder’s Council . . . to exploiting the fact that the ring is likely having the same effect on Jeremy’s mental state, over in Vermont, have been kind of creepily brilliant.

The other thing we learn from this little excursion is that Samantha Gilbert also killed folks in the mental institution, long after she stopped wearing the ring.  Having come to the realization that Alaric is still very much a danger to Crazy Nanny Carrie, Stefan and Elena rush back to the Gilbert house . . . though it may be too late . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric awakens from his little nappy, with a bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

“Here’s looking at you, Crazy Nanny Carrie.”

As we learned this week, even on his “good, non-possessed days,” Alaric was no stranger to violence.  In fact, one of his favorite past times was beating up on asshats for fun.  So, you could imagine how terrifying he is now that he “has the ring to make him psycho strong.”

At first, Bad!Alaric plays it cool . . . making casual conversation with Sitting Duck Meredith, as he plays with her blood syringes.  But things start to get creepy, when he not-so-casually asks Meredith if she feels remorse about her seemingly hypocritical stance on vampires.  (i.e. Good for Doctor Business . . . Bad for the Town.)  His words remind me a bit of when Alaric bullied himself onto the Founder’s Council, by arguing that everyone else in the group was in love with or related to a supernatural creature.  (Man, how long has this sh*t been going on?)

With all pretenses of sanity dropped, Alaric can now chase Meredith, like the psycho self he’s been . . . at least for the last fifteen minutes.  As for Meredith, she can make the classic Damsel in Distress Horror movie mistake of running upstairs, when she could just as easily have ran out the door screaming, “HELP, MY RING POSSESSED BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME, BECAUSE I ONLY PRETEND TO HATE VAMPIRES.  IS THERE A WITCH IN THE HOUSE?”

In Meredith’s defense, she’s impressively handy with a scissor . . .

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By the time Stefan and Elena return to the Gilbert house (That was kind of slow!  What?  Stefan can’t fly?  Vampire FAIL!), Alaric is already calmly and creepily grinning at them by the door.  “Meredith is currently dying on your toilet, Elena.  Sweet DREAMS! got an emergency call, and had to go back to the hospital,” he fibs.

Elena gets Bad!Alaric out of the house, by claiming she wasn’t able to find his ring.  Once he’s gone, Stefan turns to Elena, his eyes wide with anticipation, his nostrils flared like a pig poised a mud bath.  He has a little favor to ask of his ex girlfriend.

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If Elena thinks she’s being propositioned for Ex Sex, she’s sorely mistaken.  Stefan literally smells blood.  And it isn’t long before the pair find it’s source . . . it’s Meredith . . . in the bathroom . . . with the steak knife.  Cue Stefan’s vamp face . . .

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“My wife looks so hot, when she’s all mutilated and dying like that . . . oops.  Did I just break character?”

Annnnd, here comes our Super Hero moment of the week . . .

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Final score: Vampire Cravings – 0, Stefan Salvatore – 1

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Well, hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day . . .

Now, you may be wondering what happened to Alaric.  Well, after a nice bonding moment between Elena and Bonnie . . .

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 . . . the latter did a little spell, and served the Chunky Monkey some of her magical, “Don’t be a sociopath, anymore” salad.  Then Damon knocked the guy out, and took him to some remote loft, where he could . .  . you know . . . not kill people, and stuff . . .

Speaking of Dormant Serial Killers, Elena called Jeremy, who I am now officially worried about . . . or, rather, I’m worried for the good people of Vermont, who he has taken to calling his “friends.”  (Why do I have this feeling that Jeremy’s “friends” are a bunch of decapitated rotting corpses, he hides in his closet, and plays chess with when he’s bored.)

Of course, Elena doesn’t do anything practical . . . like tell Jeremy to take off the ring . . . or to be on the lookout for a care package of “Don’t be a sociopath anymore” herbs.  Instead, she just pouts and stares off into space . . .  Way to be a hero, Elena . . .

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 According to Jeremy, Alaric hasn’t tried to contact him once, since he left for Vermont.  Do we believe him?

“Game back on, brother!”

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Never trust a woman who’s always fondling your forehead.  Damon finds out Sage betrayed him, when he sees Rebekah burning down the Wickory Bridge.  It turns out Rebekah’s head wasn’t the only one Sage shrunk, during last night’s sex sandwich escapades.  Sage absolutely refuses to believe Damon’s claims of Finn’s suicidal nature.  She honestly thinks that, once united, the two will live happily ever after . . . along with his mother . . . who will probably sleep in bed with them for all eternity.

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Sage may think she’s saved her lover boy’s life, by betraying Damon, and teaming up with the scheming Rebekah.  But she hasn’t.  It turns out there’s one piece of Wickory Bridge White Oak the twosome failed to burn . . . (Remember what I said about the sign being important?)

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I hope you’ve been training, Scooby Gang, because Hunting Season has just begun .  . .

Next week on TVD, Bondage Damon makes his triumphant return to our televisions sets.  Also, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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Can I get a HELL YEAH?!

Check out the trailers . . . if you dare . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Death Becomes Him – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “1912”

 DAMON: “Just once, I’d like to be in a flashback, where you don’t end up with blood all over your face, and I don’t act like I’ve got a stick up my ass.”

STEFAN: “Better luck, next week.”

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  This week, all of our Mystic Fall-ians (at least the ones that were actually IN the episode, since about three-quarters of the cast weren’t) were forced to confront death in a very personal way.  For the throw-away flashback guest stars, this meant actually dying (SUCKS FOR THEM!).

“I feel your pain.” 

For Stefan, this meant, once again, coming to terms with the fact that he’s . . . (surprise!) . . . a vampire.  (After over 100 years of bloodsucking, I think it’s safe to say that Stefan’s a bit of a “late bloomer” in the self-actualization department.)

For Damon, this meant solving a serial killer case, by reenacting scenes from the first half of pretty much every Law and Order episode that’s aired, EVER.

For Elena, this meant coming to terms with the fact that immortality might be precisely what drew her to Stefan Salvatore in the first place.

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For Rebekah, this meant realizing that the term “immortality,” with respect to Original Vampire living might not be without its exceptions.

And yet, no one embodies the title of my recap more than Alchy-ric Saltzman . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my ingenious blogging pal Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here.]

Hangover: Alaric Saltzman Edition

Don’t wanna die?  Here’s a tip:  Don’t be the never-before-seen on screen, human character, played by a completely unknown actor, in the first scene of a Vampire Diaries flashback . .  . ZACK SALVATORE!

“Aww, crap.  She’s talking about ME, isn’t she?  Why can’t she be talking about YOU?”

It’s late at night, sometime in 1912.  A Founder’s Council meeting has just adjourned.  Death Wish Dummy, Zach Salvatore declines a carriage ride home, preferring instead to walk, despite the fact that a Founder’s Council Serial Killer is on the loose.  Horror movie fans will tell you that this is the equivalent of the stoner high school kid at the party in the woods, who tells his friends “I’ll be right back,” before stumbling toward a bush to relieve himself.  (He then disappears completely from the film, until act three, when his weiner and disembodied head are randomly found in the slutty naked girl’s bathtub.)

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SURPRISE!  Two seconds later Zach Salvatore is stabbed in the gut, and left to die, right in the center of town square.  It looks like someone won’t be around for the sequel . . .

“Do I at least get my SAG card?” 

Back in the present day, Alaric Saltzman awakens in a jail cell with no memory at all, of how he got there.  Unfortunately, Bradley Cooper, Zack Galifianakis, and co. are over in Antarctica filming Hangover 12.5: How are we NOT in rehab yet? and cannot accompany him on the madcap adventures necessary to solve this mystery  . . .

“At least I didn’t get a weird face tattoo, or have my front teeth knocked out!”

Lizard Forbes, who arrested Alaric the night before (Unfortunately, she has been the only cop in town, ever since her daughter ate the other one, back in Season 2.) is keeping his incarceration on the down low.  Because Alaric may well be a sociopathic serial killer, but he is also a great friend, whose ass looks spectacular in tight jeans.

“They don’t call me Chunky Monkey for nothing.  Just ask Useless Aunt Jenna or Vampire Isobel . . . oh wait . . . nevermind.”

Besides,  what’s a few dead bodies, among friends right?   I mean, honestly, who really liked Bill Forbes, anyway?  Lizard certainly didn’t, and she was married to the guy!

“Hey!  I redeemed myself in the end, by dying with dignity, and telling my daughter that I would never ever want to end up a monster like her . . . oh . . . nevermind.”

Shortly therafter, Damon arrives to bail his drinking buddy / boyfriend out of the pokey.  After all, if Alaric is going to meet his maker, it should be because Damon accidentally killed him for the eightieth time, and not because of something silly . . . like the Death Penalty.

“You owe me one, buddy.  I get to kill you at least two more times now.”

That Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith Fell.  She’s a strange duck.  Her actions in this episode baffled me.  I think I liked her better when she was just a pure psychotic b*tch  . . .

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We learn from Lizard that Meredith healed Alaric with vampire blood after she shot him in cold blood, in her apartment, at the end of last week’s episode.  According to Meredith, Alaric has been offing members of the Founder’s Council with his crazy stash of weapons that EVERYONE on the council knows he has . . . thereby making him the dumbest serial killer ever.  Then again, he also stabbed the crap out of himself, which makes him Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

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Alaric is furious with these accusations, and claims that the real serial killer, Meredith, has framed him.  Damon wholeheartedly agrees, if only because the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls will be oh-so-lonely tonight, without him.

Lizard retorts that, unlike Meredith, Alaric has no solid alibi for any of the murders.  Right now, it officially sucks to be Alaric Saltzman . . . but, perhaps, not quite as much as it sucks to be THIS GUY . . .

Elena’s out for a mopey run with Matt.  We know she’s really depressed because she’s wearing the ugliest, bulkiest, most unflattering, grey sweatshirt in the history of grey sweatshirts.  Elena’s workout clothes used to be so universally adorable, that I coveted every single one.  What the heck happened?  Did someone in the costume department go through a really bad breakup, this week?

She looks like a koala bear with human legs . . .

Matt, apparently, can’t keep up with Elena, despite the fact that he is a two-sport varsity athlete, who occasionally has to run away from werewolves.  They take a break from running to talk about Bonnie, and explain why she won’t be appearing in the episode this week.  (No such discussions are had about Tyler or Klaus.)  Apparently, her mother has decided to complete the Vampire Transition, instead of, you know, dying, and stuff.  Baby Vamp Caroline, who also wasn’t in the episode, this week, is going to help out this this.  (Considering how much Bonnie’s nose bleeds, Abby is going to need all the help she can get, to refrain from biting off her daughter’s schnoz.)

Mid afternoon snack 

Elena mentions that she feels partially responsible for what happened to Bonnie’s mom.  She should . . .

This angsty moment is interrupted by Lizard calling Elena to tell her to come pick up her possible-serial killer-pseudo dad.  Elena jogs right down to the courthouse / police station without passing Go, collection $200, or taking off that damn grey sweatshirt.  The entire judging panel of Project Runway does a collective face palm, in response.

“This concerns me.” 

At the courthouse/jail thingy,  Elena encounters Damon, and gives him her best perma-b*tch face look.  Damon responds by doing his Eye Thing.  (That’ll teach her a lesson!)  Though vaguely mad at Damon for the whole “making Mama Bennett undead” thing, Elena is apparently not too angry with her sometimes lover to ask him for a favor.

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Of course, Elena would very much like Damon to “help Alaric” in his hour of need . . . but only if said “help” doesn’t involve eating people, manipulating them, or breaking laws.  Elena is a TOTAL buzzkill.  I blame her ugly sweatshirt . . .

“I’m mean.  You hate me.  The earth is back on its axis,” Damon snarks, his expression a mixture of exasperation and mild amusement, with just a hint of unadulterated lust thrown in for good measure.

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“You know, if you keep pushing people away, you are going to end up alone,” retorts the girl, who compelled her brother to abandon her, betrayed the one Original who actually trusted her, inadvertently alienated her friends, and ALWAYS PUSHES DAMON AWAY.

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Elena then stalks off . . . alone.

Confessions of a Chipmunk Muncher

Let’s now add to the long list of reasons Damon Salvatore would be an AM-AZING lover the fact that he plays piano, shall we?

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(It means he has long dexterous fingers that are strong yet gentle, and quick yet highly adept at . . . accuracy. ;))  While Damon is composing his next concerto, Stefan is busy . . . you guessed it . . . writing in his diary again.

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 It’s BAAAACCCK!  (Oh, pilot episode . . . how we’ve missed your cheesiness . . .)  Fortunately, now, instead of Stefan, himself, the voice of “Stefan’s diary,” will be played by Damon Salvatore . . .

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 Though Damon loves his brotherly snark fests as much as the next guy, he tends not to interrupt Stefan’s “Diary Time,” unless he needs something.  And this time is no different.  “I want to enact our Wonder Twin Powers,” says Damon excitedly to the brother, who is most certainly not his twin.  Twins or not, I like the way Damon is thinking.  It’s been wayyyy too long since Stefan last played Scooby Doo to Damon’s Shaggy.  And what better excuse is there than the re-emergence of a Mystic Falls serial killer, on the 100-year anniversary of its last reign of terror, for the brothers to band together and engage in some serious super sleuthing?

Damon tosses Stefan his Diary for 1912, which, we can assume is conveniently lodged between the Diary for 1911 and the Diary for 1913.  (I’m sorry, but the idea that Ripper Stefan was carting around an ENTIRE library full of diaries, while he was ravaging Monterrey  like the bloodthirsty animal we are led to believe he had become, is about as ridiculous as . . . well . . . an Original Vampire carting around coffins for ONE THOUSAND YEARS.  This show is quickly becoming a vampire edition of the TV show, Hoarders.)

Apparently, back in 1912, Damon inadvertently reunited with his brother Stefan, after a fifty year hiatus, when the two returned to Mystic Falls to pay their respect to the definitely and permanently dead, Zack Salvatore.  In another nod to the pilot, Damon’s presence is actually preceded by that darn crow he used to occasionally metamorphis into, back in the day.

“I’m not going to lie.  I totally slept with the producer to get him to put me back in the script.” 

(Fortunately, he never became “wind” or a “puff of smoke” in this episode.)  Though a newly Lexi-fied, bunny-munching, on the wagon, Stefan is eager to put the past in the past, and resume his relationship with his brother,  a very chilly, grudge holding Damon is not quite ready to make amends . . .

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(It is important to note that Damon is also wearing a ridiculous hat.)

And yet, even back then, Stefan knew that the key to Damon’s heart was his liver.  And so, when the younger Salvatore invites the older one out for a drink, he is as patently unable to resist then, as he would be now . . .

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Damon Salvatore . . . making alcoholism seem attractive, since 1864 . . .

(Also during this scene, we are briefly introduced to two female Founder’s Council members from back in the day, Marianne Forbes and Samantha Gilbert.  Suffice it to say that ONE of these two never-before-seen women will end up being slightly more important to the episode’s mythology than the terminally unfortunate Zack Salvatore . . .)

“It doesn’t help that we are, more or less, completely indistinguishable from one another.”

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Back in the present day, it’s Damon who invites Stefan out for a drink (since his bromantic buddy is currently being fitted for an unflattering orange jumpsuit, and a soap on the rope necklace for the inevitable “communal showers”).  It must be Vampires Drink for Free Night at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, because Rebekah is there too.  She’s been busy buttering up Carol Lockwood for information about the infamous Original Vampire-killing White Oak Tree, which may, or may not, still be standing somewhere in Mystic Falls.

“I’m very interested in learning about your wood.” 

From Carol, Rebekah conveniently learns that it was the Salvatore family that was mainly responsible for all the wood cutting, molding, and erecting that went on in Mystic Falls, during the past century.  (See what I did there?)  So, of course, when Damon and Stefan arrive in the bar,  Rebekah engages Damon in an eye-f*&king session that would surely cause retinal pregnancy, if vampires in this series were actually capable of giving birth.

Over at the bar, Damon admits to Stefan that he’s hoping to be his “vampire sponsor / life coach,” patiently guiding him through the world of “Eating Humans in Moderation,” i.e. allowing them to live to tell the tale . . . if they hadn’t just been compelled to forget it.  Damon’s argument that Stefan’s All or Nothing / Cold Turkey approach to de-ripper-ifying himself is a REALLY BAD one, that always, inevitably, ends in failure, is an impressively sound one.  And yet Stefan has read enough Alcoholic Anonymous books in his day to be skeptical about his brother’s untraditional approach to addiction . . .

The picture of sobriety.

Nosy Nelly, Rebekah, pops in, just in time for the conversation to wind its way back to 1912, which is great for her, because Rebekah REALLY wants to talk about the Salvatore wood . . . err .  . . I mean the White Oak Tree.

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Unfortunately for Rebekah, the Salvatore brothers aren’t in the mood to compare the size of their wood.  Instead, they’d like to talk about some old vixen vampire named Sage, who, like Rebekah, has sampled Damon’s wood, at least once.

Rebekah knows Sage, and thinks she’s a skank,  because she apparently used to have a little “thing” for Rebekah’s brother Finn.  I just think this means she has bad taste.  Now, I’m not saying that Finn isn’t attractive.  All I’m saying, is that, if I had to select one Original Brother to take to bed with me I’d take them ALL, the ABSOLUTE last one I’d choose would be the self-loathing, suicidal one with Serious Mommy Issues . . .   Then again, Sage DID seduce Damon, so her taste can’t be TOO bad, right?

Back in 1912, Sage was a semi-professional boxer, who used to use her vampire strength and compulsion to beat the crap out of men, and humiliate them in front of all their friends.  (Sounds like a real keeper!)  Sage takes an instant interest in Damon, criticizing him for the joyless way he gnaws on human flesh, and reminding him that women can be used for pleasure, as well as food.

“Welcome to Vampire Whoring, 101.” 

To be honest, this part of the episode was a bit of a let-down for me.  After all, the promo for this episode seemed to promise viewers a glimpse into how Damon went from being the sort-of innocent, Katherine-spurned,  uptight vamp we saw in the “Blood Brothers” and “Dinner Party” flashbacks to the lusty lothario we came to know in Season 1.  During the hiatus, I was genuinely looking forward to some Casanova-esque seduction scenes, in which Sage patiently instructed Damon in the art of compulsion-induced arousal and “sexy neck biting.”

What we got instead was  . . . absolutely nothing.

Damon’s seduction and consumption of the aforementioned Samantha Gilbert occurred off screen, and the remainder of the flashback was Stefan’s to steal.  And while the episode did shed a bit more light on Stefan’s past, I ended the hour with little more insight into Damon’s 20th century motivations and machinations than I had prior to its airing.  It kind of pissed me off.   I’m not going to lie . . .

Back in the Present Day, a very flirtatious Rebekah graciously offers Damon her services, both with respect to Stefan’s “treatment,” and to the “serial killer investigation.”  We are led to believe she’s doing this, in hopes of getting more information about that darn tree.  However, I, for one, think that Rebekah, much like her brother is just lonely . . . horny . . . and desperate for companionship, particularly with those of the opposite sex.

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Though I’m a Delena fan, through and through, I must say that I enjoyed the “friends with benefits” comraderie of Rebekah and Damon in this episode.  While I believe these two are WAYYY too much alike to ever get seriously romantically involved with one another (not to mention the whole “Klaus” thing), I did like the easygoing, mildly insulting banter they had going on with one another.  I also got a real kick out of how effortlessly they repeatedly managed to gang up on and mercilessly tease Stefan,  whether it was by jointly reading his ridiculously self-righteous diary, or later, by force feeding him a drunk college coed . . .

Rebekah also provides the much-needed female perspective on this male-dominated flashback.

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For example, Damon’s and Stefan’s assertion that a female couldn’t possibly be the serial killer were both incredibly chauvenist, and as it turned out, patently WRONG.  Rebekah picked up on this right away.   And the minute she said it, I was certain that the 1912 serial killer HAD to be female.

Rebekah also astutely noted that BOTH Damon and Stefan were rather broody, judgy, self-righteous, and dare-I-say, a bit dull, back in those early post-Katherine days.  It was a tough truth that I think both brothers desperately needed to hear . . .

Ultimately, I think it was Rebekah’s spot-on assessments of the brother’s situation, back in 1912, that convinced Damon to allow Rebekah to help him “cure” Stefan 100 years later.  So, when Stefan storms out of the bar, after experiencing symptoms of blood withdrawal,  Damon and Rebekah gamely follow him into an alleyway.

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Once there, they come upon an unlucky blonde early 20-something.  “You are about to have a very BAD night,” Damon says to the college coed, his eyes heavy with compulsion power.  He then takes a big chunk out of the poor girl’s neck, right in front of a twitchy,  eye-bulgy Stefan.  With the scent of blood still fresh in the air, Damon passes the nearly unconscious girl over to Rebekah, informing Stefan that the Original Vampire will KILL the girl, unless Stefan takes a bite out of her first.

Unable to control his urges any longer, Stefan goes all growly and fang faced, as he hungrily and noisily slurps blondie’s neck like a kid in a Campbell’s soup commercial.  When things start looking pretty grim for the girl, Damon calls upon Stefan to stop, but the urge is too strong, and he keeps on sucking.  Finally, Damon is able to wrench his brother’s piggy-eater face from the guest stars neck.  He then feeds her some blood to heal her, and send her on her way.

“I swear, this isn’t what it looks like.  I’ve just never been good at putting on lipstick.” 

Unfortunately for the Salvatore Brothers, Elena and Matt magically appear to catch them in the act.   Cue the judgmental glares from Elena,  as Damon smirks awkwardly, and Stefan just stares at his ex-girlfriend wide-eyed, as globules of college coed drip from his mouth and chin.  (Next time, Damon . . . bring a napkin.)  Elena, once again, stalks off in a huff.  This prompts an embarrassed Stefan to do the same.   I foresee a lot of angsty diary writing in both of their futures . . .

The Born-Again Ripper

In my favorite Salvatore Brother Bonding scene of the episode, Damon comes home to comfort his little brother, and congratulate him on a job not-so-well-done, but not entirely sh*tty either.   “You did really well out there.  Pretty soon, you will be the King of Moderation,” Damon insists brightly.

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When the subject turns to Elena, Stefan insists that he “doesn’t really care what she thinks.”  But Damon isn’t hearing it.  “Oh no . . . no more No Humanity Stefan,” he lectures.

As much as this whole “two brothers in love with the same girl” thing is getting a little old, I do appreciate how both brothers actually encourage one another’s feelings for Elena, because they recognize that their love for her is a symbol of their humanity.

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When Stefan angrily insists to Damon that he “doesn’t need his help,” we are whisked back to 1912, once again.  Just like in the present day, Damon finds a not necessarily willing female blood donor for Stefan, and entices him to drink her in an alleyway.  The only difference is that, this time, Damon doesn’t stop Stefan.  Instead, he lets his younger brother literally RIP the girl’s head off, then creepily try to glue it back together, just as we saw him do back in the early episodes of Season 3.

Again, a devastated Stefan insists that he “doesn’t need [Damon’s] help” before rushing off into the woods to become the famed Ripper Klaus talked about, earlier this season.  And Damon, out of a mixture of fear, anger, and maybe a little guilt, just lets him go.  Over in the present day, Damon promises Stefan that he will never let this happen again.  He vows to stand by his brother through every step of his “recovery,” for as long as it takes.  Stefan is touched and tearful, as he wonders out loud, why his brother is so insistent on doing all this for him.   “Because right now, you’re all I’ve got,” Damon responds solemnly.

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All together now, “AWWWWWWW.”

In which Elena admits that Damon “gets under her skin” (and we start thinking dirty thoughts)

While Stefan and Damon are in the process of gradually repairing their relationship, one partially-chewed college coed at a time, Elena is busy doing a little Scooby Doo detective work of her own.  She angrily confronts Meredith, regarding why the latter would have the gall to frame her guardian for murder, when the Chunky Monkey is obviously so very good in bed.  Meredith then proceeds to start spouting out information about Alaric’s past, like the super stalker she clearly is.

“So, Damon told you he loved you, and you said THAT?!  What the heck is WRONG WITH YOU?”

According to Crazy Nanny Carrie, back in college, when he wasn’t studying up on vampires, good ole Alaric used to enjoy beating the crap out of people, including, quite possibly his own girlfriend / Elena’s mother, Isobel, who, apparently, at one point, had filed a restraining order against him.

This information gives Elena pause.  But she’s not quite ready to believe these awful things about the man who used to bone both his sister, and his bio mom, and is now literally the only family she has left in Mystic Falls.  “Elena, you date vampires.  It shouldn’t come as a shock to you that your guardian is a murderer,” Meredith retorts, before leaving Elena open-mouthed in the parking lot.

(You have to admit, the b*tch kind of has a point . . .)

Later, Matt randomly helps Elena break into Meredith’s apartment, while she’s at work.  (You know, because all poor, blue collar, kids MUST be thieves.)  Within minutes, Elena is conveniently able to locate the trap door in Meredith’s closet. (Every Founding Family member has one!)  Behind the trap door is a box that contains detailed files on all the Founding Family members, who were victims of the serial killer, including Alaric himself.  In Alaric’s file, Matt locates a note from the coroner’s office, which actually seems to provide Alaric with an alibi for the original coroner’s death . . . since it may well have occurred earlier than the initial reports supposed.

But before any more research can be done, Meredith arrives home from work and catches Matt and Elena IN THE CLOSET (insert dramatic music here).

Lizard Forbes is furious, but not furious enough to actually do her job, and charge the teens with any crime (It’s not like either of them have anything resembling parents to bail them out of jail!)  Before letting the pair go, Lizard Forbes notes that Meredith herself turned in the letter.  So, Alaric will be set free from Mystic Falls ONLY active jail cell, once said letter is authenticated.  Hooray for Alaric, he will live to eat Chunky Monkey again . . . or will he?

Elena and Matt have had a rough day, one that began with a rough run, included a potential arrest, and ended with them witnessing Stefan’s piggy eating habits.  So,  of course this makes them both feel like they’ve earned a stiff drink of hard liquor some tea (lame!).  As the two chug the non-alcoholic liquid the discussion turns to why Elena loves her Salvatore brothers.   It is during this discussion that Elena realizes that she was drawn to Stefan, at least initially, because he was immortal,  and so many of the people she loved had already died.

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It’s kind of a sad reason to begin a relationship, don’t you think?

The conversation then turns to Damon, and why Elena seems just as inextricably drawn to him as to Stefan.  In what were, not surprisingly, my favorite lines in the ENTIRE episode, Elena had THIS to say . . .

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 Now, you know me.  I’ve never exactly been a “Matt Fan.”  And yet, I must admit, I fell in love with him a little bit, when he said this . . .

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 What an awesome and insightful statement!  For one thing, I love how Matt automatically made the connection between Damon’s “getting under [Elena’s] skin,” and her “falling in love with Damon.”  It’s something that’s been so incredibly obvious to all of Elena’s friends for so long.  But Elena, who’s been in denial of her true feelings, for multiple seasons now, needed to hear it.  So, I’m glad that Matt was willing to say it to her.

And while Matt is quite obviously referring to Elena’s strong feelings for Damon, judging by the watery look in his eyes, he’s also referring to himself.  What’s interesting is that it’s not entirely certain, in that sense, whether he’s referring to his feelings for Caroline, or his feelings for Elena.  It’s possible that he means a little bit of both.

Beyond the obvious reasons why I wouldn’t “ship” Matt and Elena *cough she should be with Damon cough,* my concern with the coupling actually has a lot to do with Matt’s well being.  Elena has already dated Matt, and admitted that, while she clearly cares for him, she never really felt passionate about their relationship.  If Elena was to date Matt again, I feel like she would be doing it simply because he wasn’t a vampire, just like, two years prior, she started dating Stefan, because he was one.  Because I don’t believe that Elena will ever genuinely feel for Matt as strongly as he feels for her, or as strongly as she feels for the Salvatores, I don’t think it would be fair of her to enter into a relationship with him.

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Nobody deserves to be third choice in their Happily Ever After . . .

Oh, did I mention that Matt’s Cloak of “Human Invisibility” enabled him to snag Elena’s ancestor, Samantha’s journal from Meredith’s files?

Well, now I did!

One Ring to Rule ALL the NUTBARS . . .

For an episode that was surprisingly slow moving, things happened pretty fast in the last five minutes or so.  Alaric is released from jail.  We then see Elena reading Samantha Gilbert’s increasingly erratic diary (apparently, John Gilbert wasn’t the only member of Elena’s family, who ended up going loony tunes), at the same time that Damon and Stefan are recalling how the Mystic Falls serial killer ultimately ended up being none other than Samantha herself.

“See?  I told you I’d be mildly important.” 

Then, Meredith pops over to tell an angry Alaric that his “drunken blackouts” may be a sign that he’s a psycho serial killer, who’s slowly being turned into a wackjob by his recently-on-the-fritz immortality ring.  Elena rushes downstairs to confirm this, since she now realizes that both Samantha and John Gilbert, who wore similar rings, suffered the same fate.  So, Alaric is the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, after all . . . Meh, I kind of expected as much.   I’m SHOCKED.

More interesting than the Killer Ring, I think, is what exactly motivated Meredith to forge a coroner letter, in order free Alaric, when she now-KNOWS he’s mentally unstable, and might KILL HER?  I still think that b*tch is hiding something . . .

Another interesting aspect of this is Jeremy.  He’s wearing the Jaimaican Me Crazy Ring too!  Now, ordinarily, I’d say Jeremy is in no immediate danger of becoming a wackadoodle, since he hasn’t been wearing the ring nearly as long as Alaric has, nor has he “died” quite as many times.  And yet, I can definitely see the writers fudging with this fact, if they need a quick excuse to bring Jeremy back on the show.  (For example, the writers might assert that Alaric’s aggressiveness during his college years was also the result of his wearing the ring, thereby making Jeremy’s endangerment much more immediate.)

One more tidbit to consider.  Is it possible that the two rings are DIFFERENT from one another,  or that each ring wearer is effected differently by them?  For example,  Uncle/Father John was presumably about Alaric’s age.   And the two men were wearing the darn thing, for about the same amount of time.  And while Uncle/Father John was certainly a douche most of the time, I wouldn’t necessarily consider him a psychopath . . . nor would I consider the original John Gilbert to be one. Judging by flashbacks of the character, he seemed more quirky mad scientist than homicidal maniac . . .

Just some food for thought . . .

If the promos are any indication, next week’s episode looks pretty promising.  For one thing, we get the return of Crazy Alaric, who we haven’t seen since he was Alarklaus.  (Question: Why is it, in horror movies, that the psycho killer always seems to be screaming things like “OPEN THIS DOOR,” when he’s coming at you with a hatchet?  He might as well be saying, “Why on Earth, are you running away from me?  Don’t you want to be raped and decapitated?”)

Also, next week, Damon [Spoiler Alert?] somehow mind rapes Rebekah (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what he does, based on the promos), takes a shower, and gets lucky with two lady vamps at once.  In the words of Damon, himself, “Now that’s what I call a party.”

You can check out extended promos for the episodes, here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Why You Should Always Be Kind to the Elderly . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Princess Dowry”

It looks like no one bothered to tell Cece Rhodes that Wakes aren’t typically the kind of “party” for which one sends out invitations . . .

Character development . . . it’s what savvy TV viewers expect from their favorite long-running shows.  If a viewer has been watching the same television show for four or more years, there’s a good chance that she’s grown and changed quite a bit, since the pilot episode aired.  Therefore, she naturally expects her favorite television characters to have evolved during that time as well.

The way I see it, there are four essential elements to solid character development in a television series: (1) believability; (2) subtlety; (3) consistency; (4) and maintenance of the essential characteristics that helped viewers fall in love with the characters, in the first place.

Clearly, there’s a significant portion of the GG fanbase (myself included) who have been frustrated with the show of late.  Those who are satisfied with the show, in its current incarnation, will tend to blame OUR dissatisfaction on the fact that we are Chair fans, and our ship currently isn’t on “top”, storyline-wise.  That’s true.  🙂

However,  I also think such a summation over-simplifies the issue a bit.  I would argue that, as GG fans generally, and Chair fans specifically, our main gripe with the show has less to do with the fact that Chuck and Blair are “broken up” right now  (We are used to that. :)), and more to do with issues related to “character development.”

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On a more positive note, I will say that, as a whole, I found “The Princess Dowry”  though admittedly a bit predictable in some of its so-called “plot twists” to be markedly more enjoyable than the two episodes that preceded it.  Interestingly enough, much of the credit to that goes to a character that spent the entire episode in a mahogany box.  That Grandma Cece!  She sure knows how to throw one hell of a wake (no pun intended). . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Where there’s a will, there’s a wake . . .

We begin our story at the office of an anonymous funeral director.  Lily thanks him for seeing her on such short notice.  So, Funeral Director Guy jokes that in his business, there tends to be little in the way of “advance notice.”  (Ahhhh . .. nothing like a little DEAD PEOPLE humor to put you in the mood for a GG episode . . .)

Interestingly enough, Funeral Director Guy’s not particularly funny joke actually doesn’t apply to Cece.  As a matter of fact, Grandma has known of her inevitable demise long enough to plan a funeral with as much flare and gusto as most women put into their weddings!  She even scheduled her own wake . . . to occur at Lily’s house . . . the morning immediately following her death . . . which is . . . wait for it . . . RIGHT NOW.

Talk about getting the last laugh!  Grandma Cece really is the best Master Manipulator on this show.  Please GG writers, have her haunt the characters from beyond the grave, this season.  I can think of a few characters in particular that could use a good haunting . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Empire Hotel, Lola and Nate are engaged in a post-coital morning cuddle.  (Well, that was fast.  She’ll fit RIGHT in, here on the Upper East Side.)

(Screencaps for this recap have been provided by Home of the Nutty.)

Nate casually slips in that he took the day off from work to be with Lola.  This reminded me that Nate actually seems to be the only Upper East Sider who’s currently gainfully employed.  (I guess Chuck’s employed too.  But the only kind of work I can actually picture him doing, is taking Monkey for a walk, and occasionally rolling around on his bed amidst massive piles of his own money .  . . with Blair . . . naked.)

Nate is clearly one of those guys who interrupts sex to ask you about your “feelings.”  He wants Lola to “talk” to him about this new family she recently discovered that she had.  But Lola doesn’t want to talk about her “feelings” or her “family.”  In fact, she thinks her new family sucks monkey balls.  She’d like to go back to having sex, thank you very much.  Unfortunately . . .

“RING, RING, RING”

Lola: “Hello?”

Serena: “Hi, New Family Member.  I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Lola: “Nope.  Just boning one of your many ex-boyfriends.”

Serena:  “It was bound to happen sometime!  Listen,  I know you said you don’t want anything to do with your new family, and stuff.  That’s cool.  I just called to invite you to hang out with me today . . . at my house . . . where our grandma’s wake is . . . I absolutely promise you there will be no family members at our grandma’s wake.  P.S. I always lie.”

Lola: “OK, I’ll come, but only because the plot requires me to be a total idiot, and not think things through AT ALL.”

Serena: “Welcome to my world!”

Out in the kitchen, Chuck is helping Nate make espresso.  (Don’t they have servants for that?)

Because this isn’t homoerotic at all  . . .

He’s super excited, because he now knows that Dan sent that video to Gossip Girl that ruined Blair’s royal wedding.  Chuck knows that trust is super important to Blair.  So, he figures that once Blair knows Dan for the trust betraying, scheming, Donut that he is, she won’t let him eat her face, anymore.

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 Seems like a pretty fail safe plan, right?  WRONG!  But for now, let’s just allow poor Chuck the only happy moment he experiences in the entire episode . . .

Speaking of scheming, trust betraying, face-eating, donuts with no sense of style, Humpty Humphrey arrives at Blair’s house to kidnap her for another “fun date” . . . one that will likely be spent watching the kind of dull, pretentious, films that people only pretend to like, when they want others to think they are intelligent.  Blair promptly declines the invitation (Golly gee, I wonder why?).  She then informs the Donut that she has to stay home and wash her hair / fantasize about sex with Chuck wait for her step dad to call about a possible loophole in her prenuptial agreement with Louis-bot.

“Psst telemarketer.  I really want this annoying Donut to leave my house.   So, if you pretend to be my stepdad, while I talk to you in French for a few minutes, I promise to buy your entire month’s quota worth of Pajama Jeans.” 

Having had to compete with the likes of Sexy Studly Chuck, Pretty Nate, and scores of richer, more attractive, guest stars for five seasons, Donut Dan is certainly no stranger to rejection.  It’s just another day in Humphreyland!  No big deal!  Besides, now that he’s dateless, he can go check out that Super Cool Wake, he’s heard so much about . . .

“I love wakes and funerals.  Whenever I go to them, I’m always the life of the party.” 

Hurricane Georgina rides again

Dan isn’t the only one eager for Dawn of the Dead: Upper East Side Edition.  Georgina Sparks is also psyched to go to the hottest wake in town.  After all, spending hours in front of the computer as Gossip Girl, has put a major crimp in her social life /world domination plans, of late.  (“I’m beginning to feel like a stay-at-home mom,” moans the teenage mommy.)

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s gripes about the “job” in question actually offer a surprisingly big clue as to who the real Gossip Girl might be.  Being a 24-hour a day, seven day a week gossip columnist takes TIME, and patience.  Clearly, Gossip Girl is not one of these Upper East Siders, who spends all their time partying with the main characters of the show.  Rather, this person likely spends most of their time alone in front of their computer, reading countless e-mails from people who wouldn’t give her the time of day, if they passed her on the street.

Just some food for thought . . .

Anywhoo, even though Georgina might be “so over” being Gossip Girl, she clearly cares enough about the position to not want to leave it unattended, while she’s off wake crashing.  And so, Georgina decides to leave GG responsibilities to her adorable oaf of a husband, Rufus 2.0.  Looking back, Georgina’s instructions to her house boy on how to be Gossip Girl might have been a bit oversimplified.  When she told the guy to post any e-mailed tips he found interesting, she wrongly assumed he’d know to paraphrase them . . . or, at the very least, remove the e-mail address from which they were sent before posting them.

Here’s hoping Baby Milo gets his mother’s brains, otherwise he’s going to have to be one of those kids who spends his entire life wearing a helmet, because he can’t stop walking into walls  . . .

Interestingly enough, Georgina’s date for the wake is none other than Faux Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, herself.  Apparently, the latter has kept that damn napkin with Georgina’s phone number printed on the back for over a Season.  Now,  that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, so is this  . . .

Anyway, something tells me this female duo won’t be winning Prom King and Queen at this wake . . .

Wakey, Wakey . . .

Now, I’m not Irish.  But, if I ever had a wake, I think I’d probably like it to look something like Cece’s, with bagpipes, and the band, and everyone chugging beer, and shots of whiskey.

 “OK, here’s how you play the Cece’s Wake Drinking Game.  Take a shot everytime someone says the words, ‘You should leave.’

It’s not at all the kind of “Goodbye Party,” I would have expected from the Rhodes Matriarch.  And yet, that’s precisely what makes it so much fun.  Actually, that’s not true.  What makes it so much fun, is how utterly uncomfortable the entire affair makes the stuffy, straight-laced, Lily.

Somewhere up in Heaven, Cece Rhodes is already laughing her ass off . . . and the party is just getting started . . .

All hail, Chuck Bass.  He has arrived at the wake ready to win back his lady love.  (You know, because funerals and wakes are great places to pick up chicks, just ask Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers.)  Once Chuck learns that Blair might have found a way out of her prenup, and into the flanneled arms of that soggy stale Donut Dan, he quickly sends Gossip Girl an e-mail encouraging the latter to out Dan for his little excursion into documentary film making.

You would think, by now, these people would learn to contact Gossip Girl using anonymous e-mail addresses, or at least be smart enough not to SIGN the blasts.  Of course, most days, this doesn’t matter, since the REAL Gossip Girl, and even Georgina were both smart enough to know how to redact personal identifiers from GG blasts.  Not Rufus 2.0 though.  Dim Bulb simply copies the entire contents of Chuck’s e-mail (e-mail address included), and publishes it on Gossip Girl.  (In Rufus 2.0’s defense, he might not actually know how to read.)

Chaos erupts amidst a wake, which is already filled with Rhodes’ bickering over silverware and antiques. Blair (who I guess decided not to stay home, after all .   . .  sorry Donut Dan) is already stomping over to Chuck, demanding an explanation.  She doesn’t believe what she’s reading.  Not Humpty Humphrey!  He wouldn’t do something so awful, would he?  (That would require him to have a personality.)

Ah, but he HAS done it.  And he’s willing to admit it too.  At this point in the story, I’m leaning forward in my chair, eagerly awaiting a long overdue Dan Humphrey Smackdown.  Then, two minutes later, I’m slumping back in that same chair, having already tossed my pillow at the television screen in disgust.

SHE FORGAVE HIM?  JUST LIKE THAT???  REALLY?  Is there no justice in this world?

While the dull pair is having their not-so-argument, Georgina takes this opportunity to steal Dan’s phone.  Does the fact that part of me was hoping she’d slather said phone with Ebola Virus, instead of just stuffing it in her purse make me a bad person?

A Tale of Two Charlies

Meanwhile, Lola has arrived on the scene.  and she is super pissed about having been tricked into attending her grandmother’s wake.  (Damn those inconsiderate dead family members, for interrupting Lola’s sex life!)  There’s a bit of a running gag, during which, every time Serena tries to introduce Lola to her “nice, down-to-Earth” family, they do and say something even more ridiculously greedy and money grubbing.

That said, Lola’s perpetual pussface does little to redeem the character in my eyes.  We have enough self-righteous, judgmental folks on this show, thank you very much . . .

What does endear Lola to me, a little bit, is the surprisingly understanding way in which she handles the presence of Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena.  While the rest of the VDW/Rhodes’ shun the red head, repeatedly asking her to leave, Lola willingly allies herself with her former imposter, in hopes that together, the two of them can finally figure out, why Lola’s AWFUL mother would go through so much trouble and expense, to hide Lola from the rest of her ostentatious and snobby family.

Take that 1%ers!

Answers may come for Lola, sooner than she thinks.  Not long after she arrives, Dr. VDW enters the building.  As it turns out, Cece chose Lily’s first of many ex husbands as the executor of her will.  Go figure.

“Hey Cece!  Good to see ya.  You’ve never looked better!”

For a guy who was willing to play fast and loose enough with his medical license to convince his ex wife she was dying of cancer, Dr. VDW sure seems to be a stickler for the rules of trusts and estates.  When Faux Charlie comes to sit in on the precedings, and the rest of the family wants her out, Dr. VDW insists that she stay, because “it’s what Cece wanted.”

“I swear!  Just ask her . . . oh, wait . . . nevermind.” 

Dr. VDW also doesn’t bat an eyelash, when he reads the provision of the will that provides that Cece more or less left her ENTIRE fortune (save for a few antiques and lame ass trinkets) to .  . . wait for it . . . IVY DICKENS.

That’s right, boys and girls.  Grandma Cece knew all this time, that Ivy was an imposter, who weaseled her way into the Rhodes family, intially for money, but ultimately for acceptance.  And Cece LEFT HER EVERYTHING ANYWAY.   Wow,  she must really hate her family, A LOT!

Like I said in the title of this blog, if you learn anything from this ridiculous episode of Gossip Girl, let it be this: respect your elders.  After all, you never know when they might be filthy rich, and willing to write you into their will . . .

Part of me wishes Cece was a bit more descriptive in her will, regarding why she chose to do what she did.  For one thing, the fact that she left no explanation for her actions, whatsoever, makes her will a whole lot easier for the VDW/ Rhodes to contest legally.   For another, part of me is just really curious, what happened between these two women from disparate generations (Ivy and Cece), during those last crucial few months, that made Cece experience such a drastic change of heart.

Perhaps it was the gin talking . . .

I mean, sure, Ivy needed the money far more than the VDW clan.  But that’s not a good enough reason to do what Cece did.  I’m hoping we get another flashback to flesh this storyline out a little more.   But I’m thinking we probably won’t . . .

Whatever Cece’s reasons for so royally screwing over her family, I can’t IMAGINE she suspected that Ivy would end up unceremoniously evicting Lily from her OWN house, on the day of the wake, claiming that the property now belonged to her.  Really?  Charlie/Ivy / Call Me Serena?  THESE are the actions of a woman who “fell in love with the Rhodes” family?  I know they were mean to you, when they found out the truth, Ivy-kins, but still  . .. that’s a pretty darn evil thing to do.

My guess is that Ivy won’t actually end up doing it.  And that the gesture was just her way of asserting authority against the Rhodes.  But hey, what the heck do I know?

In other news, Dr. VDW, who apparently never met a Rhodes he didn’t wanna f*&k, just learned that he’s actually Lola’s father, and will owe a crap load of money in back child support payments, if he doesn’t become Carol Rhodes’ b*tch . . . again.  That makes Lola, more than just Serena’s cousin . . . She’s also her HALF SISTER.  Predictable.  Shocking, I know . . .

“Is there anyone on this show I’m NOT related to?” 

“ME!  Well, at least I hope I’m not related to you . . . It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone committed incest on this show.” 

“You are the only good thing in my life,” Lola pouts to Nate. .  .  the man she met just one episode ago, as the two head back to the Empire to make up for lost sex time.  How’s that for pathetic?  But Lola might just find that she’s very wrong, indeed, about that assessment.  Toward the end of the episode, Dr. VDW calls his long lost daughter, to take her up on her offer that he help her investigate her family secrets.  However, something tells me that HIS particular paternity secret, will be one he won’t offer up so freely . . .

Don’t do it, Blair .  . .

Have you ever watched a horror movie at home, and spent half the time screaming the following things at your television:  “DON’T GO IN THERE!”  “LOCK THE DOOR!”  “HE’S GOING to CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.”  “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, LOOKING SCARED, RUN, YOU MORON.”

Well, that’s kind of how I felt, watching Blair in “The Princess Dowry.”  Throughout the entire hour, I watched her move ever closer, to a Donuty Doom.  I knew it was coming.  And I dreaded it like the plague.  But no matter how loud I screamed at the television screen, I couldn’t protect Blair from acting like a brainwashed Stepford Wife . . .  It was quite frustrating, really.

Anywhoo . . . when we last left our Queen B, she had just forgiven Donut Dan for trying to ruin her wedding and her life, with that video.  Enter Blair’s Minder with a convenient way out of this mess of a wedding.  As we learned from last week, this French twit is actually in LOVE with Louis-bot . . .

“See Blayerrrrgh, evaan roboths geth layeeed.”  (Translation: See Blair, even robots get laid.)

 . . .  making it in her best interest to see this wedding annuled.

Elsie the Minder’s theory, is that Blair is such a public relations disaster, that any other prospective wife (even a fellow robot like Elsie the Minder) would look good to the press, by comparison.  Therefore, provided Blair agrees to not speak to the press about the annulment,  Elise the Minder suggests that the Grimaldis will just let her out of the contract.

“Even though I am lying through my teeth, you believe every word I say, because my British accent makes me sound more trustworthy than I actually am.” 

Well now, that certainly doesn’t sound the Grimaldi’s I met this summer . . .

Rhymes with Ditch . . .

Nonetheless, Blair blindly and stupidly agrees to this, never once considering the possibility that she might be getting setup.  And setup, she ultimately is, when Chuck and Georgina send “Gossip Girl” i.e. Rufus 2.0 a picture of Dan raping Blair’s face on Valentine’s Day, in complete violation of Elsie the Minder’s so fake “annulment settlement terms.”

“AHHHH!  He’s suffocating me!  Make it stop!”

OK, so let me get this straight.  Chuck did this to KEEP Blair married to  Louis-bot and/or potentially bankrupt her . . . just because he doesn’t want her to be with Donut Dan?  I don’t buy it.  After all, wasn’t Chuck the one who offered to pay off the entire dowry, in the first place, because he knew Blair’s family couldn’t afford its exhorbitant sum?

Anyway, it takes next to no time for Blair to learn that the photograph in question came from Chuck and Georgina, not from Dan.  At the same time, Minder chick informs her that there was never really a settlment position on the table, in the first place.  (SURPRISE!)  Now, Blair doesn’t know WHO to believe.  So, Chuck digs the knife in, even deeper, by accusing Donut Dan of repeatedly keeping him away from Blair, so that the Donut could have her all to himself.  It’s an accusation which Dan readily accepts!

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And when Blair finds out, she’s so incredibly hurt and betrayed that she says. . . NOTHING?  Again, what the heck is wrong with this girl, lately?  The REAL Blair Waldorf wouldn’t have taken ANY of these injustices lying down.  But this one just pouts and walks away.  Come on, Blair, even Nate could have done better than that . . .

Toward the end of the wake, Blair sadly tells Chuck Bass that she LOVES him, but isn’t IN love with him . . . a sure sign that Blair has clearly lost her marbles, this season.  Here we are, finally, with no obstacles between these two individuals.  But Blair is inexplicably throwing in the towel on her own.  No me gusta.

Speaking of Chuck, he seeks out Lily for comfort shortly after his dumping.  “It’s different this time.  She’s had her brain devoured by Zombie Dan changed,” remarks Chuck sadly.

Well, that’s the understatement of the century!  Unfortunately, Lily has little intel to impart on the subject of Stepford-Blair Waldorf.  However, she does manage to offer up some other fairly pertinent information.  It turns out, as many of us suspected, Jack Bass was the one who actually saved Chuck’s life, by ensuring that the Dark Knight received a blood transfusion, following his car accident with Blair.

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The question is, was it actually Jack who made the pertinent donation . . . or was it Diana, who we all know Jack called just moments after Chuck was admitted to the hospital, and who many (myself included) have speculated is Chuck’s REAL bio mom . . .

In other news, Georgina calls somewhat of a truce with Blair, agreeing to fly to Monaco to end Blair’s sham of a cyborg marriage (using blackmail intel she learned during her Gossip Girl days, naturally), in exchange for a favor from Blair to be announced at a later time.  Blair mindlessly agrees, a decision (like the one in which she STUPIDLY chose Dan over Chuck ) that I am sure she will come to regret in a few weeks.  Oh, and did I mention that, before she left, Georgina shipped her entire GG laptop to SERENA, of all people?

Serena as Gossip Girl . . . again?  Gahhhh . . .  is this a repeat episode of Gossip Girl?

Toward the end of the episode, Blair goes to the Donut’s loft, determined to start what will undoubtedly be an incredibly boring, unfulfilling relationship, characterized by abysmal sex.  Hooray!

“Please don’t make me kiss him again.  Last time, my lips bled for hours afterward . . .”

Then, they eat eachother’s faces, for a while, and in between mouthfuls, Donut Dan explains how excited he is that Blair actually used his real name, for the first time since they met.

Yes, Donut Dan.  She knows your name.  Now, if that’s not the foundation for a successful relationship, I don’t know what is  . . .

And that was “The Princess Dowry,” in a nutshell.  When Gossip Girl returns in April, we will learn why Donut Dan is such a slug in the sack  . . . not that this is much of a surprise . . .  After all, the guy can’t even manage to walk to the nearest Supercuts to fix that awful hair of his.  How can we possibly expect him to navigate the delicate contours of a woman’s body.

Slug or Stud?  You decide . . .

 That said, the sex-pisode in question, actually looks kind of humorous (especially if you enjoy making fun of Donut Dan, as much as I do).  You can check out the trailer for the episode, here . . .

Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck Bass is pumping his fist in triumph.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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A Letter from Chuck Bass to Blair Waldorf, written after he watched the Gossip Girl episode “Cross Rhodes”

My Dearest Blair,

Letter writing . . . it’s a bit of a lost art, don’t you think?  For me, there is just something so personal about putting pen to paper . . . gradually baring my soul to you, with each florid flick of my pen.  To know that you are holding my thoughts in the tips of your long elegant fingers . . . it’s kind of erotic, really.

Then again, you and I have always been a bit old fashioned, haven’t we?

More in some ways, than in others, of course . . .

Generally, I don’t watch much television.  My responsibilities as a prominent New York hotelier don’t afford me much in the way of free time.    And when I do watch, I’m frequently unimpressed.

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Just this past week, Nate convinced me to join him in a viewing of an episode of The Jersey Shore.   I spent most of that hour of my life (which I will never get back, by the way) trying to adjust the television screen.  I was about to call the cable company to complain about the poor picture quality.  But Nate assured me that the characters on the show really do have skin that color . . . a fact I found unsettling, to say the least.

That said, Monkey and I have recently gotten into the habit of watching Gossip Girl, together, each week.

Between you and me, Monkey has become a bit of a prima donna, since his debut on the show.  He insists that the producers only film him on his right side.  Every once in a while, you will catch a shot or two of Monkey taken from the left.  When this happens, Monkey always grabs my cell phone in his teeth, and rushes to call his agents in my bedroom.  There’s always a lot of loud barking going on, on those nights.

Anyway, I’m writing this to you, to discuss some things that happened during the “Cross Rhodes” episode that greatly disturbed me.  Aside from the parts of the episode that featured yours truly . . .

. . .  I’d say my favorite part of the episode was the one that featured you and Serena fighting at the breakfast table, after Dorota locked you in the dining room together.  You looked stunning as always, dear Blair.  And part of me was very much hoping that you and Serena would amorously wrestle one another on the table, amidst a shower of breaking glass, flying bits of fruit cocktail, and of course, lots and lots of bacon.

That would have been incredibly arousing . . . though, since Serena is my sister, I would probably have to refrain from looking at her during the battle, and only look at you.  No problem . . .

Also, I must say that having seen the fur vest to which Serena was referring in her insult of your wardrobe choices.  I must say, that I patently disagree with her assessment of it.  I thought you looked smashing in that vest.  Then again, you would look smashing wearing nothing but a paper bag, or better yet, a roll of red-tinted plastic wrap . . .

I’m going to refrain from remarking on the fact that the two of you were arguing over that boring, brillo-pad headed, puff pastry, with a passion for wearing cheap flannel, otherwise known as Daniel Humphrey, for the time being . . .

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Speaking of the Donut, Monkey and I were particularly exited to get to the part of the story, where the Upright Citizens Brigade skewered Dan’s novel.  After all, if there is any book in the world that deserves a good skewering, it’s the Dair fanfiction commonly referred to as “Inside.”  (Dan’s proposed second novel, The Manhattan Monarch, on the other hand . . . now THAT sounds like a good book!).

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I was especially interested in seeing which dashing young gentleman they would cast as the brilliantly, witty, but ulimately tragic, auto-erotic asphixiator,  Charlie Trout.  But alas, that aspect of the performance was never shown on screen.  For what it’s worth, I’ve always pictured Charlie as a swarthier Ryan Gosling, or, perhaps, as that talented little Brit, Ed Westwick . . .

That said, I thought the Brigade did a nice job casting that hairy mountain man with the slight speech impediment as Dan Humphrey . . .  Granted, he was a bit more attractive, and charming, than the real Dan.  But isn’t that always the case with Hollywood casting?

As for the girl they cast as a stand-in Serena, she was a bit shorter and rounder than I would have liked, but she did manage to catch many of Serena’s trademark mannerisms . . . most notably, her patent inability to brush her hair, and the fact that she likely shares her wardrobe with Mary Kate Olsen . . .

Regarding the casting of your character, there is no way that Lola girl, could hold a candle to you.  And you are right.  That headband she was wearing was an insult to headbands everywhere, certainly to the caliber of headbands you wore on your pretty little head, back in high school.

So, of course, Monkey and I were thrilled to learn that Lola had to back out of the show (though we’re sorry that Cece had to die for the sake good art), and that you were ready and waiting to take her place.  After all, no one does Blair Waldorf, like Blair Waldorf.  You know that, better than anyone . . .

Prior to the actual play, we did get to see you offering some acting tips to the woman who was to play you, which I think was a very kind gesture, on your part.  I think you were absolutely right, when you described any kiss that would exist between you and Dan Humphrey as “perfunctory.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  (Though the words “nausea-inducing” also immediately come to mind.)

Then, of course, I became very worried for your safety, when Humphrey tried to eat your face, like a hungry zombie, closing in on an exceptionally tasty brain, after weeks of going completely unfed.

The way your hands haphazardly grasped at various parts of that Donut’s body led some viewers to thing you were “caught in an arousing moment.”  But I could see that you were actually fighting for your life.  I was about to call 911 on your behalf, until Monkey reminded me that this show is pre-recorded . . .

Fortunately, Serena arrived to distract the zombie from his brain-eating attack.  And you promptly ran into the streets after her, in hopes of escaping infection by the undead and personality-free.  Monkey and I cheered, when this happened.

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I must say, I didn’t understand much about the argument you had with Serena, shortly after she rescued you . . . something about squashing your emotions like a bug.

I seem to remember once, back in high school — the first time I admitted to you that I might be harboring romantic feelings for you — you told me to murder the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.  In that case, I’ll take your seemingly random comment as a clandestine acknowledgement of our everlasting love.  Message sent and received, my darling, Queen B.

When it came time for the actual show, there was a ridiculous moment, in which the Serena character relayed to you, an experience in which Humphrey supposedly came to watch you read some essay you wrote in the fifth grade. She said this, even though you and Dan Humphrey did not attend the same school, during that time.  (He was in public school . . . poor boy.).   Also, I might add, you had no idea who the f*&k Dan Humphrey was until high school.

It was a charming story in the way syphillis is charming, despite it’s being completely untrue.  And I guess your response of “Dan loves me for me,” was supposed to be funny.  The Upright Citizens Brigade is meant to be comedic, after all . . .

Now, I certainly can’t  fault Humphrey for falling in love with you, Blair.   You are perfect, in every way.  You know that.  The question is, what version of you does Dan love?

Does he love the strong, powerful,  incredibly ambitious, and often manipulative, woman, who used to stay up nights with me, planning and scheming?  Does he love the Queen B, who ruled the halls of Constance Billard High School, with an iron headband?

Does he love the woman I helped to become the perfect prom queen?  The one who helped me build my empire, and pulled me back from the brink, after my father’s death?

Does he love the first woman to whom I said those ever elusive three words and eight letters?  The woman who enjoys the finer things in life . . . posh hotels, king sized beds with soft sheets made of Egyptian cotton, in ridiculously high thread counts . . .

. . . a designer wardrobe,  eating tasty macaroons . . .

. . . indulging in the kinkiest of foreplay, playing dress-up, and, of course, limo sex?

Or does he only love you, when you are at your most vulnerable and broken  . . . a girl on the run, hiding from a life she never wanted, and pretending to be someone else, so that she doesn’t have to face the nightmare that her world has become?

I wonder . . .

But then you ran out the door again, and I assumed you must be having PTSD flashbacks of Zombie Dan eating your face . . .

When you arrived at the hospital to support Serena in her time of need, I wished I could be there for you.  But Monkey and I were too busy plotting world domination, and my limo driver couldn’t get across town in time.  Yet, I did call you.  And the words you said to me, were statements I genuinely took to heart.

You are absolutely right, Blair.  Being a good person, is more than just being kind to you . . .the woman I love more than life itself.  Being nice to you is easy . . .

. . . The real test of reformation is being benevolent to all of gods creatures . . .

. .  . even dull, squishy-bodied, slugs like, Dan Humphrey.

And thanks to your powerful words, I vow to be an all-around more decent person, in the future, Blair  . . . even to those who are less fortunate than myself . . . or at least have less fortunate hair . . .

Then, you told Humphrey you had real feelings for him, and I started to wonder whether, perhaps, he had chewed out a portion of your brain, after all . .  .  I plan to have an in-depth conversation about this with my neurologist, later today.  It’s a good thing you decided to stick around the hospital.  Impromptu surgery might be in order . . .

Until then, I pray for your speedy recovery.  Don’t you worry, though.  I’m not going to make a Pact with God, on your behalf.   Because that would just be ridiculous . . .

Forever yours, with deep and abiding love,

Charles Bass.

P.S. Dan sent that video of us declaring our love for one another on your wedding day to Gossip Girl.  If you ever want to get revenge on his ass for pretty much ruining your life, you know who to call  . . .

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