There were so many potions used this week on Once to clean up certain dangling plot items, it was hard to keep track of them all. Let’s see, we had: sleeping curse potion, memory forgetting potion, drink pink stuff to create a door to your true love in another realm potion, potion that deep fries dark curses out of your heart, and potion that allows your shadow to travel across realms to fondle your girlfriend’s face and give her a magic wand. This is because, in Storybrooke, potions are kind of like cell phone apps. They allow you to do things you never know you always wanted to do, like, for example, have a conversation with an animated Easter Bunny (That’s a real app, by the way.)
Let’s review, shall we?
Mmmmm, Deep-Fried Hearts!
Regina’s first idea to break the sleeping curse that hangs over Snow and Charming (collectively, but not simultaneously) is to basically rip out both their hearts and throw them into what looks like a deep frier. (Even though a steamer would result in the hearts having way less trans fats and lower cholesterol.) The idea is to “fry” the curse out of the hearts. The plan sort of seems to work at first, until Regina realizes that after you deep fry hearts, they kind of . . . um . . . don’t work as well anymore?
Now, Snow and Charming are not only still cursed, they also both have weak, fatty, cholesterol-filled hearts. And that means if Regina and the gang don’t find a curse cure by the end of the episode, both members of the happy couple will be forced to hang out in the Land of Nod for all eternity.
Oops! Now, if that’s not a PSA for using healthier forms of food processing, I don’t know what is.
Fortunately, there’s a magical solution just around the corner in the form of a pink flower that only grows when evil is around . . . or, more accurately, when the plot requires it to grow. The good news is the pink flower can be made into a potion that reunites separated true lovers, like Snow and Charming. The bad news is that it means the Black Fairy has found her way into Storybrooke, which puts her one step closer to murdering our Savior.
Emma and Snow quickly find a full field of those plot reviving pink flowers. But then the Black Fairy pops by and makes her Stepford Son Gideon magic them away. “Are you going to kill me now?” Emma wonders, since it seems like the perfect opportunity for the Black Fairy to do so.
“Nah, we still have a few more episodes left before the finale,” the Black Fairy insists before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
“Hey, you forgot a pink flower?” Emma calls after the Black Fairy.
But she’s already gone. This means that Snow and Charming have what they need to both have speaking parts in the same episode! Once Upon a Time is about to get a whole lot more expensive . . .
Shadow Dancing
Erotic or Creepy?: You be the judge
So, remember how, last week, the forty-year old looking Lost Boys were chasing Hook with bows and arrows? Well, the good news is Tiger Lily saves him by putting sleeping darts in all their necks. The bad news is she uses a dart on Hook too.
But Tiger Lily was just kidding about the whole “trying to murder Hook” thing. As it turns out, she just wants Hook to help her get a magic fairy wand to the Savior, so that she can use it to defeat the Black Fairy. “Well, what a coincidence, I’m currently boning the Savior,” Hook exclaims.
Using some of Peter Pan’s magic, Captain Hook, though unable to rescue himself from the Lost Boys, is able to send an emissary across the realms in the form of his shadow. The Shadow hands Emma the wand, along with Hook’s Hook, and then turns to leave, but not before performing a bit of heavy duty fondle action with Emma’s face.
This poses an interesting question, if you hook up with your boyfriend’s shadow, does that count as cheating?
A Snow and Charming Do-Over (Under?) and A (Better) Proposal
Back in Storybrooke, Emma worries that the Shadow’s gift of Hook’s Hook to her means that he’s in danger. (She also fears that Hook’s shadow may have given her an STD.) Snow, who is about to take the pink flower potion that will “reunite” her with Charming, and, by extension, cure their sleeping curse, decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and let Emma use it instead to reunite with her boyfriend, even if that means eternal sleepiness, and leaving her baby Neal, who the writers apparently forgot she had, to grow up an orphan. (Hey, Emma was an orphan, and she turned out just fine. She was only incarcerated once for grand theft auto!)
Emma’s all, “Why the heck would you do that? Don’t you care about your other kid at all?”
This brings us to our episode’s flashback of the week, which takes place during the First Curse in Storybrooke, around ten years before the pilot episode. Apparently, during that time one of those plot-convenient pink flowers appeared. And when Snow placed it in the then-comatose Charming’s hand it caused him, and, a few moments later, her, to remember their true identities.
Immediately concerned about the fate of their daughter Emma (who, unlike their other kid Neal, they actually seem to like), Snow and Charming hunt down Rumple and inquire about Emma. He tells them to drink more potion and think about her. This will create a door to Emma’s world and allow Snow and Charming to retrieve her from there.
The problem is that Emma’s only 18 at this time. And the prophecy requires her to be 28 to Save the World from Evil. (Apparently, world saving has an age requirement like drinking, voting, running for office, and buying porn off the internet.) Snow and Charming do end up creating that door to find Emma, who looks super young for 18, like WAAAY too young. (Maybe she has that thing Emmanuel Lewis has that makes you look 10 when you are 18? Or, maybe the writers just took memory potion and forgot that the script indicated her age as 18, instead of 10? The world may never know.)
“I swear, judge, she told me she was 18-years old!”
However, ultimately, Snow and Charming decide that preserving Emma for world saving is way more important than their happiness as parents. Besides, Emma’s a ten-year-old-looking-18-year old. What trouble could she possibly get into without parental supervision? So, Snow and Charming drink the conveniently available memory potion, that causes them to forget their true identities and allow them, and everyone they care about, to live inside the movie Groundhog Day for another decade.
So, basically, it’s a win/win for everyone right?
Back in the present day, Emma way too quickly accepts her parents’ offer to kind of/sort of commit murder suicide on one another (and, in doing so, pretty much guarantee that Baby Neal will grow up-to be a serial-killer) in-order-to-improve-their-daughter’s-sex life.
Emma then drinks her parents pink flower potion, creates a portal to Neverland, beats up some Lost Boys, and brings her beau safely back home.
Once there, Hook decides to propose to Emma for realsies. He even gets on one knee. This time, Emma doesn’t try to steal his thunder, by saying yes, before he even gets to ask the question. Everyone is happy. Well, except for Emma’s kind-of dead parents, and Baby Neal, and Tiger Lily who got left behind to hang out with a bunch of Forty-Year-Old-Looking-Lost-Boys for all eternity.
Ain’t “True Love” grand?
Worst Mother-in-Law Ever!
When Black Fairy and Stepford son Gideon pay a visit to Rumple and Belle at Rumple’s shop, the look on Belle’s face tells us she’s seriously questioning marrying into the most screwed-up, evil, and incestuous family of all time.
“Gaston is suddenly looking like a mighty attractive option.”
Then, Rumple tries to use some magic against his Bad Mommy. And the Black Fairy, in turn, uses the Control the Dark One sword against him so he can’t do it.
I don’t know about you guys, but if there was a sword around somewhere that could make me the slave of anyone who wielded it, I would keep that sh*t locked up in a vault so far away that no one would ever find it. Rumple just kind of leaves it around on the floor, for the latest Big Bad to nonchalantly pick up whenever the episode requires it.
Not too bright, if you ask me. Fortunately, Black Fairy actually gives Rumple back the sword on her own free will. She insists that after she defeats the Savior, Rumple will gladly and willingly join her on the Dark Side. It’s all very Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker-ey . . . you know, if Luke Skywalker had a real fondness for canes and face glitter.
But Rumple isn’t totally useless here. He gets at least one parting shot on Mommy by informing her that he knows Gideon is only acting like a huge douchebag, because she stole his heart. (Otherwise, Gideon would only be a medium-sized douchebag.) Rumple notes Gideon’s decision to leave one pink “reunite with your lover” flower for Emma and Snow to find as evidence that there is “still some goodness in him.”
See? Even Stepford medium-sized douchebags do nice things, every once in a while!
Naptime!
They literally drank the Kool-Aid . . . Peer pressure is bad, boys and girls!
Speaking of nice things, just in time for the end of the episode, Regina comes up with another plan to wake up Snow and Charming who are now both lying in bed together in identical comas. She brings the whole town together (which seems to only comprise like 20 people all of the sudden), and instructs them each to drink some of Snow’s and Charming’s curse. Regina hopes that this will dilute the curse enough for Snow and Charming to wake up. It also could, you know, kill the entire town, but, whatever.
So all the townspeople of Storybrooke drink the sleeping potion, and Snow and Charming wake up together (HOORAY!), and find the entire town lying around them in a coma (BOO!) . . . but only for like two minutes, and then they all wake up. (YAY!)
And they all lived happily ever after . . . at least until next Sunday at 8 p.m E.S.T. See you then!
[Note: The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way! Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours. It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31. Thanks for your patience!]
Hey there, Fangbangers! This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train. Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed. Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show. Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.” And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting? So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move? Alaric can relate . . .
“Hey sexy, what’s shaking? Whaddya say, after this we go hit up the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, have a few drinks together and make some bad decisions.”
While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil. (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”) Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors. “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . . and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie. (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)
The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one. It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess! Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena. (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)
“Don’t worry, Alaric! Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”
Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena. Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?” Well, apparently, so does Elena. And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .
Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits. All these different women! Poor Steffie will get indigestion! Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .
Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .
“Hey! What’s wrong with puppies aside from the fact that Stefan used to eat them?”
Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem. He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed! He needs to go back to his vampire roots. And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . . which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed . . . not as good as Damon, of course. But better . . .
Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie. Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . . .
I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided to fix that ole’ bridge everybody is always falling off, and drowning. (Good for them!) Damon offers to take Alaric and his new girlfriend, Dr. Secret Psycho, there for some fresh air. You know, because there’s nothing like spending time on a Man-Made Death Trap to make a Supernaturally-Made Death Trap feel less alone in the world.
“I feel so personally connected to this bridge. I bet it’s killed a lot of Founder’s Council Members over the years too. Good work, brother!”
Mama Lockwood, who has no idea she’s talking to a serial killer of FOUNDER’S COUNCIL members takes this opportunity to bug Alaric about his forgetting to bring by some old sign, in honor of the re-opening of the bridge. (Believe it or not, this detail will actually be important later.)
“I’m sorry, Mama Lockwood, I’ve been kind of busy carving all your friends up like the big fat Thanksgiving turkeys they are it just slipped my mind.” replies Alaric politely.
Shortly thereafter, Alaric and Crazy Nanny Carrie exit stage left, allowing Damon some alone time with His Women.
“Ladies, ladies. There is no need to fight. My manhood is big enough for both of you . . . and Elena.”
After doing a little flirtatious sleuthing, Damon quickly surmises the reason for both of his lady friends’ sudden reappearances on the bridge. Rebekah has been looking into some random tree, though Damon is not quite sure why. As for Sage, she’s apparently been pining for that Death Wish-Having, Mama’s Boy Finn for the 900-years, since he turned her, and was hoping he’d stop by. (Well, at least now we know why she and Damon get along so well! And here, I thought it was just about the amazing sex.)
Always eager to spread bad news, Rebekah bounds over to tell Sage that Finn has left town, and that his heart only belongs to one woman, his wackjob mother . . .
Primed for a little lady fighting, Sage offers to help Damon figure out what exactly it is that Rebekah is hiding from him. All he has to do is turn on the charm, a little bit, and get her to pop by La Casa de Rich and Awesome for some Sexy Times. Sage knows full well, that no woman in her right mind would ever refuse an invitation to Damon’s Bed of Champions . . .
. . . least of all the vulnerable, and perpetually sex-starved, Rebekah . . . who, like everyone on this show (except for maybe Psycho Alaric) really just wants to be LOVED, right?
As Sage had predicted, Rebekah doesn’t need much convincing. And soon enough, our fabulous vampire threesome have made plans for an X-rated Date with Destiny . . .
Meanwhile, back in Broody Town . . .
Well, THAT’S a pretty creative use of a knitting needle . . .
Elena has conveniently invited herself into La Casa de Rich and Awesome because she heard about Damon and the threesome. Supposedly, she’s come to check out a book from Salvatore Library on her batsh*t crazy ancestor, Samantha. She finds Stefan in the living room, drinking blood of course. (This guy is clearly an emotional binge eater . . . How does he never get bloated? I mean, I know he’s dead and all, but you have to wonder sometimes, where it all goes.)
Damn you, and your super fast vampire metabolism. DAMN YOU!
Knowing how much his girlfriend hates to read (I mean, let’s face it, girlfriend hasn’t set foot in a classroom in about six months.), Stefan chivalrously offers to give Elena the Cliff Notes version of that Big Bad Book she’s cradling in her arms. Long story, short: her ancestor chopped her head open with a knitting needle, and bled to death in the loony bin. (OK, who the heck gave the INSANE SERIAL KILLER a knitting needle? Someone needs to put a dollar in the Moron Jar, stat.)
Ever the Bastion of Positivity, Stefan concludes his story, by giving it a “feel good” moral: “P.S. Alaric’s probably going to end up attempting to crochet an afghan with his brain too. And there’s basically nothing you can do about it. Thanks for playing! Better luck next time.”
(In my next life, I would like to be The Guy Who Covers Ian Somerhalder’s Weiner with Bits of Fabric to Appease the Censors. That guy always seems to be one sneeze away from a Wardrobe Malfunction.)
When Damon arrives home from his Double Date at Death Bridge, Stefan is FUMING MAD . . .
*insert snarling and growling noises here*
“How dare you tell Elena I’m a vampire who drinks human blood . . . oh wait . . . she already knew that . . . I mean, how dare you . . . um . . . talk to Elena without my permission. YEAH! That’s it! Not cool, brother,” gripes Stefan.
Under normal circumstances, Damon would LOVE to continue another round of the Saga of Stefan and Elena, but he has brains to manipulate, and ladies to screw. And he’s not about to let his little brother cockblock his CWTV-approved Porn Star Moment.
So, instead, Damon simply offers Stefan a few, Vampire Pride Maxims, for inspiration (“We’re here. We’re bloodsuckers. Get used to it!”), and heads off to the bathroom to shower himself in Axe Body Spray . . .
Sage arrives at the party first. Her housewarming gift is a piano player, who bares a suspicious resemblance to Finn. (I guess Sage has a “type.”)
“Mommy and I used to play the piano together all the time. But she always insisted on sitting on my lap, when we did it. I never understood why . . .”
There’s a rule on this show, that states that all piano players must get mauled by vampires. And this one is no exception. Sage wastes no time at all chomping on her Finn Doppelganger, while Damon looks on, eager for the REAL party to get started. And then, it does . . .
Like Sage, Rebekah also has not come to the party empty-handed. She brings over her personal catnip . . . booze, stolen from some Queen . . . somewhere.
Have I mentioned yet today, how much I love the rampant alcoholism on this show?
OK, enough of this lame piano music. Let’s crank up The Kills on that iPod and DANCE! (Because we all know how much Damon loves to dance!)
Never one to want anyone to feel left out of the party, Damon struts over to Rebekah, and her two left feet, who is busy nursing her bottle of booze and looking forlorn. The pair share a little piano player snack, and then it’s time for Damon to REALLY turn on the Salvatore charm . . .
Normally, I would take this opportunity to chastise Boozy Rebekah for being so easily manipulated by Damon’s transparent and superficial attempts at seduction. But when Damon whispered, “I want you,” in Rebekah’s ear, I looked down at the floor, and found my panties around my ankles . . . and HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING TO ME!
The man is a genius . . .
So, of course they have to cut out the BEST scene, and skip to the post-coital bedroom cuddle . . .
Fortunately, the magic of gif-making allows us to improvise what likely happened between these two, while the cameras were otherwise occupied . . .
Then, Sage crawls into bed with Damon and the sleeping Beks, and I’m thinking, “It’s PARTY TIME!”
But then, Sage just fondles Rebekah’s forehead for about two seconds, and walks away . . .
OK, here is where I call “B.S.” Since when do vampires have Forehead Fondling Mind-Reading powers? Oh, that’s right . . . they don’t. Otherwise, Klaus wouldn’t have spent the entire summer ignorant to the fact that Elena wasn’t dead, and Stefan wasn’t really his best friend / minion / willing sex slave . . .
Nope . . . forehead fondling as a form of communication sounds a lot more like something a WITCH would do. In fact, it looked a heck of a lot like what Bonnie was doing with that plant, toward the beginning of the episode. (It’s also very similar to what she did to Luka, back in Season 2). And yet, we’ve just been told that witches lose their powers, immediately upon being turned into vampires. So, even if Sage WAS a witch in her former life, there’s a good chance she would have lost her ability to forehead fondle, the minute she sucked on Finn’s bloody teets.
For now, I’m willing to give the writers the benefit of the doubt. But if Sage has some magical powers that even the oldest, most powerful vampires in the world don’t possess, I’m hoping to get some sort of explanation as to why that is the case. Just saying . . .
Ooooh, but wait! We aren’t done with sexy times yet. It’s time for the post-sex shower. And we all know how much Damon loves getting all wet and soapy . . .
This time though, it appears our shower is built for TWO. (All that forehead fondling, must have gotten Sage’s fingers sweaty.)
P.S. Sage apparently has other magical powers, in addition to random dancing, piano player eating, tag team showering, and mind reading. Now, she’s fondling Damon’s forehead, and GIVING him Rebekah’s memories. OK, now I’m starting to get scared. If her head starts spinning around, and green stuff comes spewing out of her mouth, I’m calling the exorcist . . .
Damon, of course, seems completely unperturbed by this odd turn of events. In fact, he’s kind of thrilled . . . After all, now he knows there’s still a tree out there that could Klaus et al.
Damon doesn’t even bother getting dressed, before he makes another trip to the trusty Salvatore library. (Wearing clothes is SOOO 19th century.) Please let the towel fall down . . . please let the towel fall down . . .
Sure enough, he figures out what many of us TVD fans have long suspected . . . . the Wickory Bridge is made almost entirely of White Oak. In other words, Death Trap Bridge doesn’t just kill Founder’s Council Members like Alaric, it also kills ORIGINALS! Time to burn the evidence!
Sage reappears, during all this, and makes Damon promise not to use the knowledge she gave him to kill her long lost lame lover, Finn. Damon agrees, crossing his fingers behind his back . . . since he knows, thanks to the spell binding all the Originals together . . . once he stakes Klaus . . .
“Mmm . . . Surrogate Son tastes yummy!”
Something tells me New Guy Jamie is going to fit right in on the cast of The Vampire Diaries . . . at least, until they inevitably whack him, probably about three or four episodes from now
Coincidentally, I also think she will fit in as Bonnie’s new love incest. It’s not incest. They promise us it’s not incest, even though they sort-of/kind of have the same crappy mom. After all, we all know how much Bonnie adores those former child stars, who went on to develop biceps . . .
(New Guy Jamie is the Non-Puppet one, just in case you were confused . . .)
The last time we saw Jamie, he was busy being compelled, and trying to bust a cap in Stefan’s ass . . . now he’s chopping wood (because that’s not at all a metaphor for anything sexual, now, is it?) Caroline stalks outside to yell at Jamie for not being nicer to his new vampire mother. She forces him to come inside and be civil. Let the eye f*&king with Bonnie ensue. Then, Mama Bennett proceeds to EAT HIS NECK. Yeah, that’s what you get for listening to Caroline, Jamie. Eventually, you’ll learn . . .
“How was I supposed to know that Jamie had ‘B Positive, blood!“
Fortunately, Jamie doesn’t . . . you know . . . die, or anything. But that doesn’t stop Mama Bennett from sneaking out, while the kiddies aren’t home, despite Caroline’s protestations. I’m really sorry that your Mom totally sucks, Bonnie. (In more ways than one.) But hey, look on the bright side, considering how rarely you get your own story line, it will probably be at least three seasons, before we find out your father is just as bad . . .
In other news, Bonnie has decided to forgive Elena, and perform the spell that will magically cure Alaric of his Crazy. (Man, if this were real it would put pharmaceutical companies, insane asylums and therapists out of business. Witches are BAD for the economy. . .) She tells Elena to get something from Alaric’s house that he had before he started wearing his Jamaican Me Crazy Ring.
“Does the bottle of scotch, I had permanently attached to my lips count?”
Back at the Gilbert house, after receiving the password to all of Alaric’s bank accounts (It’s “vampire slayer,” just in case you’re interested in performing a little identity theft, after reading this recap), Elena offers to head back to Alaric’s apartment to pick up the jewelry item. Meredith all-too-eagerly agrees offers to stay alone with Alaric, while the latter looks. (Girlfriend must be really hard-up for sex, if she’s willing to risk being bludgeoned to death for it.) Ruh-roh!
“Do you feel remorse? Because you should!’
“Geez, Elena. You’re a pig. When’s the last time you cleaned your bathroom counters, Season 1?”
Over at Alaric’s apartment, Elena finds Stefan . . . lurking (because that’s not weird . . . at all). He agrees to help her search for Alaric’s wedding ring. While the two are in the apartment, Elena and Stefan find all these creepy pictures of Alaric’s victims (even a picture of himself . . . not sure how he managed that.)
“Automatic timer on his camera?”
There’s also a big packet of information on the Founder’s Council, which Alaric was apparently preparing to send to . . . wait for it . . . Jeremy?!!!
On top of the packet is a letter to Jeremy, instructing him on precisely how to “cleanse the Founder’s council,” using the ring that will “make him strong.”
I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but I really like the way the writers are handling this serial killer story line. Initially, when I first learned that it was “the ring” making Alaric crazy, I thought that they would use this as a way of completely freeing Alaric of liability for his own actions.
But what’s interesting about Alaric’s psychosis is that he doesn’t seem “psychotic” in the way Samantha Gilbert was described. Nope. This is a sociopath, pure and simple . . . a guy with a clear motive . . . one that “sane” Alaric wouldn’t necessarily disagree with: to rid the Founder’s Council of it’s inherent hypocrisy, when it comes to protecting the townspeople from vampires (though their methods of coping with it, might be different). Bad!Alaric’s moves, up to this point, from attacking himself, to provide himself with an alibi . . . to studying up on the Founder’s Council . . . to exploiting the fact that the ring is likely having the same effect on Jeremy’s mental state, over in Vermont, have been kind of creepily brilliant.
The other thing we learn from this little excursion is that Samantha Gilbert also killed folks in the mental institution, long after she stopped wearing the ring. Having come to the realization that Alaric is still very much a danger to Crazy Nanny Carrie, Stefan and Elena rush back to the Gilbert house . . . though it may be too late . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric awakens from his little nappy, with a bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .
“Here’s looking at you, Crazy Nanny Carrie.”
As we learned this week, even on his “good, non-possessed days,” Alaric was no stranger to violence. In fact, one of his favorite past times was beating up on asshats for fun. So, you could imagine how terrifying he is now that he “has the ring to make him psycho strong.”
At first, Bad!Alaric plays it cool . . . making casual conversation with Sitting Duck Meredith, as he plays with her blood syringes. But things start to get creepy, when he not-so-casually asks Meredith if she feels remorse about her seemingly hypocritical stance on vampires. (i.e. Good for Doctor Business . . . Bad for the Town.) His words remind me a bit of when Alaric bullied himself onto the Founder’s Council, by arguing that everyone else in the group was in love with or related to a supernatural creature. (Man, how long has this sh*t been going on?)
With all pretenses of sanity dropped, Alaric can now chase Meredith, like the psycho self he’s been . . . at least for the last fifteen minutes. As for Meredith, she can make the classic Damsel in Distress Horror movie mistake of running upstairs, when she could just as easily have ran out the door screaming, “HELP, MY RING POSSESSED BOYFRIEND IS TRYING TO KILL ME, BECAUSE I ONLY PRETEND TO HATE VAMPIRES. IS THERE A WITCH IN THE HOUSE?”
In Meredith’s defense, she’s impressively handy with a scissor . . .
By the time Stefan and Elena return to the Gilbert house (That was kind of slow! What? Stefan can’t fly? Vampire FAIL!), Alaric is already calmly and creepily grinning at them by the door. “Meredith is currently dying on your toilet, Elena. Sweet DREAMS! got an emergency call, and had to go back to the hospital,” he fibs.
Elena gets Bad!Alaric out of the house, by claiming she wasn’t able to find his ring. Once he’s gone, Stefan turns to Elena, his eyes wide with anticipation, his nostrils flared like a pig poised a mud bath. He has a little favor to ask of his ex girlfriend.
If Elena thinks she’s being propositioned for Ex Sex, she’s sorely mistaken. Stefan literally smells blood. And it isn’t long before the pair find it’s source . . . it’s Meredith . . . in the bathroom . . . with the steak knife. Cue Stefan’s vamp face . . .
. . . the latter did a little spell, and served the Chunky Monkey some of her magical, “Don’t be a sociopath, anymore” salad. Then Damon knocked the guy out, and took him to some remote loft, where he could . . . you know . . . not kill people, and stuff . . .
Speaking of Dormant Serial Killers, Elena called Jeremy, who I am now officially worried about . . . or, rather, I’m worried for the good people of Vermont, who he has taken to calling his “friends.” (Why do I have this feeling that Jeremy’s “friends” are a bunch of decapitated rotting corpses, he hides in his closet, and plays chess with when he’s bored.)
Of course, Elena doesn’t do anything practical . . . like tell Jeremy to take off the ring . . . or to be on the lookout for a care package of “Don’t be a sociopath anymore” herbs. Instead, she just pouts and stares off into space . . . Way to be a hero, Elena . . .
Never trust a woman who’s always fondling your forehead. Damon finds out Sage betrayed him, when he sees Rebekah burning down the Wickory Bridge. It turns out Rebekah’s head wasn’t the only one Sage shrunk, during last night’s sex sandwich escapades. Sage absolutely refuses to believe Damon’s claims of Finn’s suicidal nature. She honestly thinks that, once united, the two will live happily ever after . . . along with his mother . . . who will probably sleep in bed with them for all eternity.
Sage may think she’s saved her lover boy’s life, by betraying Damon, and teaming up with the scheming Rebekah. But she hasn’t. It turns out there’s one piece of Wickory Bridge White Oak the twosome failed to burn . . . (Remember what I said about the sign being important?)
Greetings, my Pretties! Oh, rainy days! They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.
Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface. It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .
Remember Paige? Nobody else does . . .
This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .
But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .
“Well, hello there! My name is Ian. I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile! Don’t mind me. I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”
When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone. This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor. What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)
HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross. Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”
SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”
The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now. “I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.
Poor girl! Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .
The video then rough cuts to later that night. Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna. Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.
Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party! WTF man?”
Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance. What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership. As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .
“MWAH-HAHAHA!”
Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking. They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .
“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”
Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .
Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that. I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility. Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .
. . . or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .
“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”
So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?
Well, apparently “A” does too. Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera. That made “A” angry. And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .
“Hey Spence . . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all. But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that? I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”
Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .
“This truck is a real chick magnet.”
Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck. This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .
She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny. Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars. Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .
“What? Why are you looking at me, like that? Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”
In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .
“Pretty please, can I see her? I’ve recently showered and everything!”
Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him. So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .
Everybody Loves a Beard . . .
“Me? Gay? Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”
Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey! That rhymed!) Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection. But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .
HANNA: *pouts* “Oh! Aria is so lucky. I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”
EMILY: *clears throat loudly*
The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria. You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .
To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening. Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans. But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .
“Well, hello there, little lady. Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”
Be Afraid, Caleb . . . Be VERY Afraid . . .
“Sure! I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”
Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you? Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .
“Ahhh, yes. The camera loves me. Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”
Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working. Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat. Did he know what Caleb was doing? Probably . . . it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all. After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .
It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .
. . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .
As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue. This time, that person is Hanna. The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT? Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day. (There I go, rhyming again . . .)
DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”
Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special. And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .
(Side note: Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died. And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)
We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night. Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .
“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.
Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch. One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .
“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”
The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . . In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies. And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house. She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this. And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?
Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender. “A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .
Plot? I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .
The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .
“You are getting very sleepy. When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”
At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time. In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her. But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end. And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .
Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there. I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT. And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers . . .
Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend. “He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly. (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)
“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket. I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”
“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style. “It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”
(Side note: I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference. Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.” But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)
Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees. Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation. Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?
Surprise! It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all. (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.) By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms? Maybe she has irritable bowel syndrome? That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .
I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter. Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails! You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though. She sure is persistent. We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.
Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .
Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker. This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why). Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated . . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .
Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .
“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”
Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician. I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . . Give up?
OK . . . I’m better now. So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship. (This is news, right?) In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.
(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)
The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him. Cue the text from “A” . . .
. . . annnnd . . . Spencer’s speedy departure. (Bye Wren . . . for now! We’ll see you soon! I miss you already!)
That not-so-fresh feeling . . .
One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .
Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .
Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.” Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital. It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.” “We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.” “I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)
Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already? Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?
(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)
That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window. And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans. They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .
But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode. She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense. HELLO! Emily’s GAY! Read the memo, Blind Jenna. And here I thought you knew everything . . .
You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?
CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”
HANNA: “Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”
CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”
HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”
Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder. Hanna, apparently, thinks so too. Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .
“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!” Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.
Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna. Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .
Speaking of alone . . .
Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.
“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers. It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”
Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her. And she does it in the most painful way possible too . . . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .
As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was. As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action. Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .
As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance. Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved. But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .
Poor Wren. He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating. Then again, maybe he does . . .
Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .
It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me. Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .
TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .
But, in lighter news . . .
How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .
“A good deed . . . I did do. But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”
Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .
And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way. . .
OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay. (He sure could have fooled me.) He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb). And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas). So, what secrets does that leave, exactly? 😉
Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .
. . . and waits . . .
“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee . . .”
Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .
In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please! A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger? That’s horse poopy!”
As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria. And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood. Of course, Yoda student is elated. So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .
And so, the student has become the teacher. Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions, carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .
In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . . Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .
But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . . to PROTECT HER . . .
It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions. And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna. Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .
The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .
This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .
Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT! And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell. Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .
Hey, Mike Chang . . . wanna become be a LESS neglected Glee club member? Here’s a hint: WEAR LESS CLOTHING!
Welcome back, Gleeks! Has this most recent Glee hiatus left you feeling neglected . . . unappreciated . . . used up and tossed out, like a snotty old tissue?
Well, then, you are in luck! Because this week’s installment of Glee is all about that oh-so-familiar feeling of being left out, passed over, chewed up, and spit out. Talk about a “Feel Good Episode!”
So, ball up those tissues. Break out the comfort food. And crank up the volume on that SUPER depressing song on your iPOD. Because it’s time for “A Night of Neglect.”
Brother, can you spare a dime?
“Goodbye, money! It was nice knowing you!”
So, remember the Super Bowl Episode, when the Cheerios, upon losing their national competition, also lost their ENTIRE extracurricular activity budget, in favor of the Glee club? And then remember how, for about 3 episodes or so, the normally cash-strapped Glee kids suddenly had enough money, not only to travel to Regionals, but also to purchase massively expensive rotating sectional sofas to use as props for their in-school performances about the dangers of alcohol abuse?
Blame it on the alcohol . . . and a REALLY dumb plotline.
Ummm . . . yeah, well, apparently, the idea of the Glee club actually having enough CASH to attend Nationals was “inconvenient,” for purposes of this plot. Therefore, the writers had to find some way to make the Glee kids poor again, thereby forcing them to hold the “fundraiser” around which this episode revolved. So, the writers decided to have Sue steal the money, and reroute it into an “off-shore bank account.” SURPRISE!
“Just call me Sue ‘The Scapegoat’ Sylvester . . . everybody else does!”
And yet, assuming Sue HAS all this money (and can use a portion of it on her “precious Cheerios”) why is she even bothering sabotaging the Glee kids (AGAIN), in the first place?
Of course, to even try and answer this question, would require attributing something to this show that it clearly DOESN’T have . . . continuity. So, we will just move on from here, OK?
Anywhoo . . . so not only do the Glee kids need cash, but the McKinley High Smarty Pants, an Academic Decathalon Team, which, surprisingly, is made up ENTIRELY of Gleeks (Aren’t ALL after-school activities, on this show?) needs money too! This gives Will and his temporary guest star new girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow Holly Holiday the idea to raise money for BOTH after-school activities by (1) selling saltwater taffy; and (2) putting on a benefit concert with, a theme that is very near and dear to both club’s hearts: LOSERS . . . er . . . I mean . . . “neglected artists.”
*sings* “Soy un perdedor! I’m a neglected artist, baby! So, why don’t you KILL ME?”
Volunteering to perform at the event is Vocal Adrenaline Star, Sunshine Corazon, who has “600 twitter followers,” but still claims that she knows how it feels to be “neglected,” because she is “so very short” and “a much better singer than everybody else.”
Despite having been burned before, by a member of Vocal Adrenaline, who also supposedly possessed a burning desire to “help out the Enemy” . . .
. . . the Glee kids ultimately let Sunshine audition for the benefit. After all, they are Ridiculously Stupid, very much in need of the audience members Sunshine promises to bring with her to the venue.
“SUCKERS!”
In what was BY FAR the most riveting performance of the evening, Sunshine sings Celine Dion’s extremely-over played, but STILL fabulous, “All By Myself.” During her rendition, Sunshine captures the heart of a Very Special Gleek . . .
“Nice knowing, ya, Zizes! It’s going to be a bright SUNSHINE-y day, without you!”
“Dump me for the Munchkin, and I will LITERALLY eat you for breakfast, PUCKERMAN!”
Check out Sunshine’s spectacular performance (not to mention Puck’s SUPER mushy response to it) here; and you will see EXACTLY what I mean . . .
Welcome to the Legion of Doom!
While the Glee kids are hard at work preparing for their Night of Neglect, Sue Sylvester is just as hard at work, making sure it fails miserably. Except, this time, Sue is not alone in her Nefarious Plotting of this Week’s Evil Deeds.
(Seriously? Can Sue BE any more of a cartoon villain? Next thing you know, she will be petting a bald cat, perfecting her Evil Laugh, and blabbering on about World Domination.)
Helping Sue to destroy Glee club, this week, are former New Directions’ advisor, Sandy Ryerson . . .
News Flash: You are INDOORS! Take off the sunglasses, Vampire LeDouchebag!
. . . and Will’s ex-wife, and FAKE Baby Mama, Terri . . .
She’s baaaaaaaack!
For such an “impressive” group of Super Villains, the Leagion of Dooms’ schemes to foil the Night of Neglect actually end up being disappointingly LAME. These plans include having Charise and her “600 Twitter Followers” ditch the benefit, at the last minute . . .
“That’s what you get for sending me to ‘audition’ at a Crack House, B*TCHES!”
. . . trying (and FAILING) to break up Will’s relationship with Holly . . .
“WTF?”
(Of course, she ended up leaving, ANYWAY . . .)
. . . and hiring a team of “Hecklers” to make fun of Tina’s performance of Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers.”
Most Random . . . Team . . . of . . . Hecklers . . . EVER!
(And yet, they still managed to make Poor Tina CRY . . . THOSE BASTARDS!)
Which reminds me, is anybody else curious as to why Poor Tina’s musical performances always seem to end with her bawling her eyes out? (“My Funny Valentine,” anyone?)
As for Tina’s real life “Funny Valentine,” he danced at the benefit to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes,” which made me smile . . . both because I love Jack Johnson . . . and because “Bubble Toes” are just adorably SILLY!
This would have been a whole lot more appropriate, if Mr. Bubble Toes danced barefoot . . . and shirtless.
Granted, it was a bit disappointing that no one actually SANG the Jack Johnson song, as I think that might have been a nice addition to the performance. (After all, unlike, most of the other artists featured in this episode, Jack Johnson actually IS a neglected artist, one who is often vastly underappreciated for his unique talents . . . at least, in my humble opinion.)
I’d say Tina could have sang the “little ditty.” But she was still crying at the time, and, therefore, would have inevitably converted the song from “Bubble Toes” to Blubbering ones . . .
Speaking of blubbering . . .
Like a Virgin, Touched (with a Glove) for the Very FIRST Time!
No Glove . . . No LOVE, BABY!
After having experienced so much progress in recent months, it was disheartening to see Poor Emma having fallen completely off the OCD-wagon again, this week. Recognizing that OCD sufferers tend to see their symptoms worsen in times of extreme stress (AWWW! He’s been doing RESEARCH on her condition! He SO Luuuuuves HER!), Will gently asks Emma what happened.
“Carl’s gone. He asked for an annulment, which, I guess, he’s entitled to, since we never actually consummated our marriage,” Emma explains dejectedly.
(Oh, the judge must have LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, when he heard that one!)
“Have MER-CY!”
“How old do you have to be, to look back on your life, with nothing but regret? Is 32-too young?” Emma asks sadly.
Knowing an “opening” (See what I did there?), when he sees one, Will sweetly vows to help Emma through this “rough patch” in her life. To “seal the deal,” he even goes as far as to put on a condom a pair of sterilized gloves . . . Yep, he’s a slick one, that Schuester!
Holly takes another Holiday (and this one may be permanent)
Watching the aforementioned exchange from a nearby window, Holly Holiday already knows she’s been replaced. But, to her credit, rather than stomping off in a Rachel Berry-like fury, the “adult” Holly sticks around to teach the kids an “important lesson” on the dangers of online (and in-person) heckling.
(Awww, that was great, Holly! Without your preachy and super annoying inspired speech I would have NEVER known that it was mean and hurtful to . . . be MEAN and HURTFUL to people. Thank you, for showing me the light!)
Other examples of the not-at-all obvious teachings of Holly Holiday . . .
Holly also performs Adele’s “Turning Tables” at the Night of Neglect Benefit . . .
Riiiiiiight . . . because the young chart-topping female / international music sensation is PRECISELY who I think of, when I hear the words “neglected artist.”
At the end of the episode, Holly sadly admits the following: (1) She has taken a substitute teacher position in Cleveland, and is therefore, leaving town and the showASAP;
(2) she knows Will and Emma are in love with one another, which makes it kind of inconvenient for her to continue being Will’s F*&k Buddy girlfriend; and
(3) she promises to return the next time she has a film project to promote sometime soon.
“You go and POP that Cherry WILL! Pop it ONCE AND FOR ALL! Do it for ME! Do it for America!”
Speaking of people who are about to DO IT . . .
I’m always chasing Klaine-bows (and so is Karofsky, apparently)
My favorite non-musical moment from the episode, BY FAR, was Kurt’s and Blaine’s visit to McKinley High to support their friends’ benefit. Upon hearing Kurt reminisce about the school, Blaine realizes immediately that Kurt misses public school, and all the friends he’s made there. Unfortunately, this sappy sweet moment is interrupted by the magical “surprise” appearance of Karofsky, who was pining over Kurt, dancing to “Bubble Toes”, rocking out to Adele “lifting weights,” when he overheard the new out-and-PROUD couple strolling the halls of McKinley.
In a swoon-worthy move, Blaine, who knows full well about Karofsky’s homophobic self-hatred, and how it ultimately resulted in Kurt having to switch schools, stands up to the much larger Football Player . . . even going as far as to give him a REALLY HARD PUSH!
. . . Santana positions herself squarely in front of Karofsky, and begins to tell him, once and for all, how things are going to be, from now on.
“See, here’s whats gonna go down. Two choices, you stay here, and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that’s your choice. Or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag, another day. And, also, I have razorblades in my hair. Mmm-hmmm. Tons, all up in there,” monologues Santana, in a moment that is positively FILLED with Awesome!
“If I wasn’t gay and secretly in love with Kurt, I’d be SO attracted to you, right now!”
What’s better, after hearing Santana’s not necessarily idle threats, Karofsky ACTUALLY walks away!
(Little do these two individuals know just how much in common they actually have with one another!)
Symbolism and foreshadowing aside, it was really nice to see Santana come to Kurt’s aid, the way she did this week. It shows fans just how far her character has come from the one-note villainess she once was, back in early Season 1 . . .
Speaking of characters who have come far . . .
Rachel teaches Mercedes the TRUE meaning of DIVA . . .
Of all the members of New Directions, perhaps, no character has been more outspoken about feeling neglected than Mercedes. And yet, as Lauren Zizes perceptively points out, though she may gripe and complain EXTREMELY OFTEN, Mercedes will ALWAYS inevitably cede the spotlight to Rachel. So, Lauren comes up with this ridiculous plan for Mercedes to ask for all these STUPID DIVA REQUESTS (A puppy to wipe her face on? Being carried out on stage in a Lady Gaga-inspired egg?), so that her Glee club mates know that she’s important.
Oddly enough, for a little while, anyway, this dumb ass plan seems to work, with Rachel Finn and Quinn rushing around like crazy to fulfill all of Mercedes whimsical desires . . .
But when Mercedes refuses to perform at the Benefit, it is Rachel who follows her into the parking lot in the rain and stabs her to death sets her straight . . .
“Diva demands don’t make you famous,” explains Rachel (and she would KNOW!). “Having talent does!”
“So, why are you a bigger star than ME!” Mercedes whines.
“Because the writers always give ME all the big solos and romantic storylines. “Because I care more about being famous, than about being liked. Everyone LIKES you,” Rachel explains, “Except for NOW, because NOW you are being a TOTAL ASSHOLE!”
Ultimately, Rachel concedes the closing number at the benefit to Mercedes, who sings her idol Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way,” to an adoring crowd. (OK, so have we just TOTALLY dispatched with the theme of “neglected artists” now? First ADELE, and now, ARETHA? Who’s next, U2? The Beatles?)
Of all people, Glee club nemesis, Sandy Ryerson, is SO touched by Mercedes performance, that he conveniently decides to defect from the Legion of Doom, and give all the money from his illegal drug sales to the Glee club and the Academic Decathaletes!
The random guest star has been REDEEMED! HOORAY! (It’s just too bad no one can redeem that outfit he’s wearing. Because that thing is HIDEOUS!)
Now, with Dustin and Sandy having totally FAILED at breaking up the Glee club, it’s up to Sue and Terri to finish what they started. *Sigh* Here we go again . . .
Oh, and did I mention that the “McKinley Smarty Pants,” led by Brittany (and her bizarrely Rainman-esque knowledge of cat diseases) went on to win the Academic Decathalon, thanks to the MOST RANDOM GAMESHOW CATEGORY EVER?
Oh, Holly Holiday . . . you and your WEIRD costumes . . . and your bizarre weekly historical tidbits . . . about women with Man-Hands who Loved Hitler! Now that you are really gone, I may actually end up missing you, after all!
ELENA: “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another. It’s going to be SO COOL! Are you interested?”
BONNIE: “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips? Because I really hate that . . .”
ELENA: “Umm . . . welllllll . . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”
BONNIE: “I’m IN!”
“Make Love . . . Not War.” That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . . and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive. So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war. But you don’t really care about that, do you? You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants!
Shame on YOU! I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON! Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!
Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.” For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight. (Except for Forwood! Sorry Forwood fans!) Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen! And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall!
Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?
Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!
So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”
Playing House with AlarKlaus
You know what I really hate? When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee! That just really sucks! (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)
Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!
When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary). Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock. It sure sounds like a party to me!
After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .
Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .
. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine. Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .
and THIS . . .
. . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .
So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!
In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!
The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus. It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death. And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake! Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it.
“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years. So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine. And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again. “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers. “Don’t be so glum, Kat! The fun is just beginning!”
FUN, indeed!
FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs. It’s OFFICIAL! AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!
Ahhh, but can he DANCE?
It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!
DAMON: “Knock, Knock!”
ELENA: “Who’s there?”
DAMON: “Damon”
ELENA: “Damon who?”
DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”
ELENA: “You may enter . . . them.”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby, been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries. Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS!
And bite, it DID! Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).
“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.
“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!
Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter. Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .
“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY! You must OBEY ME! Say my name, B*TCH!”
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot. Bonnie is at the house too. And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school. Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave. He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms. But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch. So, she insists. “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1
Journey to CougarTown
*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on. She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so. . .” Ick, nevermind!
Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived. But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.
MATT: “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”
LIZ: “That depends . . . is it working?”
Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week. That’s right boys and girls! Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)
“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.“
I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL! I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less. After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right? Right?
WRONG! The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!
At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy. Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored. In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?
POOF! It’s been forgotten!
Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)
Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school. Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE. But Elena IS at school today. So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend. (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)
“Care to join us, Elena? We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”
The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events. New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s! He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar!
Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before! Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this. Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .
At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight. She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.
“3 scenes, 3 lines. You know what that means, don’t you? SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”
By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others? Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the body. And yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it. Any thoughts?
The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news. I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!
“Well Hi, There, Super Villain! Wanna kill me? Here’s HOW!”
So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?
Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .
It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually. Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan. Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking).
“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.
When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .
Look on the bright side, Damon. At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!
After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys. Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY . . .
(As we already knew.)
. . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor. (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)
AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body. So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell.
Alert the media! It speaks!
Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.
“Screw you too . . . EMILY!”
And this brings us to the night of the Next Last Dance . . .
Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)
It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while, at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.” ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .
You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE! It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween! Just sayin’!
Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality. (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)
Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .
DEN-IED!
. . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human. You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl, Bonnie! And you know what THAT means, don’t you?
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2
Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!) First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo. Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.” AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE? In his TIGHT PANTS? A man purse, perhaps?) to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown.
But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed, and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .
While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware . . .
Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.) And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .
In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own. Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture. So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.
(Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena! And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)
“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW. Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .
“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?”
I’m not even making that up! Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena! And it’s pretty friggin hilarious! But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .
Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!
He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG! And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end! GO TEAM!
Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters. And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears . . .
Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this! No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER! “What are THOSE TWO up TO?” Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .
Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!
A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly. So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him. It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans. So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena. And Elena confronts Bonnie. And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style!
Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life. But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her. And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness . . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season. But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.
Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.” They quickly follow him back inside the school. Ruh-ROH!
The Showdown!
I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body. In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it. “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?” Elena inquires.
Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits. (Well DUH!) Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena. So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass. But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped. “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .
“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change? HELLS YEAH!”
(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings. I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)
Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat. Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier. (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!)
“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena. (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)
Where’s your head at, girlfriend? Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!
Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .
The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge. It’s not much of a battle, really. Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another. We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing. Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed.
Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls High. Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!
Umm . . . Bonnie? I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .
Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS! You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon! (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)
Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .
Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.” But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills. Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself.
Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS. Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies.
Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room. (What’s with witches and candles anyway? Can someone explain this to me?) Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave. When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .
SURPRISE! Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE! She’s ALIVE! Haha, fooled you, TVD fans! Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!
Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement. You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)! I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit. Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .
Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie. When Damon comes home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.
“Yes,” replies Damon. *facepalm*
(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been. “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE! APRIL FOOL’S!” I mean, talk about burying the lead!)
Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD!
And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her. Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening. (Well . . . it WAS a good Cry Face!)
Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online. Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together! YAY! Lamest Best product placement ever!
You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this, “Have you faked your own death? Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs? SKYPE can HELP!”
(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents? Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance? Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)
And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna! Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!
AHEM!
Oh, DON”T even get me started!
Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena. Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.
“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins. “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage. I’ll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”
Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true. I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle. But not for the reasons you might think. Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?
Who am I kidding? Of COURSE you remember! It was EPIC!
Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true. Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is. After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so. Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him. Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.
And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene. While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion.
I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact. And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .
Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions. In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene. Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her. “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena. “There has to be another way.”
You can try to hide your true feelings from Damon. But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!
But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels. “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die. I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”
Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life. And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe.
I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one. This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.
After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye. (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.) Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and about the sacrifices people make for ones they love. And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah. But in the end she knew that she couldn’t. Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.
As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it. And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon. Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.
But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .
As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven! That’s right boys and girls! Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!
Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut! Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode? It’s called “Klaus.” Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON! You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:
In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”
Damon: “So, you’re KLAUS, now? WTF Alaric! I thought we were supposed to bros? Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”
Alaric: “Ummmm . . . yeah . . . sorry about that. But, hey! At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”
Damon: “True . . .”
OK, so remember THIS GUY?
“Dammit Harry Potter! If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”
Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance. He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face. (Honestly, can you BLAME him? I mean LOOK at the guy?)
That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries. Everybody talks about him. Some folks even work for him. But nobody seems to actually know what he looks likeunless they read the spoilers.
In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .
The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep. This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following: (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this. Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .
“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”
Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode. (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show. It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another! It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)
“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”
Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2) to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!
An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang. The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus. Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease, neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.
As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded! Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena. (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)
At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . . throwing her up against the wall. SURPRISE! (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.) Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother. There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them. In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .
“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here! That was fun!”
The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice. Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars. Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline. But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting. (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)
“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya! (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”
While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone . . . and Elena.
(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . . “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better. Just sayin’!)
Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone. Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .
After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands. It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!
Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object. Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place! The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually: Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .
As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US! Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .
Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!
Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert. NOOOOOOO! Hang out with ELENA, DAMON! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!
A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .
You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864. If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus. So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .
(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)
. . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.
“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”
As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast. And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)
First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor. Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER! Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”
Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell. While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear.
“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT. Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”
Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing). Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain. And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .
“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”
Then, it’s all over. And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .
Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .
I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.
After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .
“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend? Are you friggin kidding me, with this? That’s IT! Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”
Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .
Isobel’s Big Plan
While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness. (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show? The Salvatores have Bonnie. Elijah had Jonas. Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock. Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?)
Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom. Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps. (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps. It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)
“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”
While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .
Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion. The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!
When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly? It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.” Sexual symbolism abounds . . .
And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.”
Then Damon magically appears!
After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .
“Now, watch me make him dance!”
Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?
Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .
Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!). However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire. Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter. Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock. He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go!
Wait . . . huh?
Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!
OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone.
(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something? Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do . . . even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)
But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season! She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!
Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood. The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene. . .)
Sayonara, Mama Isobel! It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting.
(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS! How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)
Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .
And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)
“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes. (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”
So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!) When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight!
(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)
Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister. Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.” Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .
. . . is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .
Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.
Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls. So, Caroline gives him these . . .
Just kidding! But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire. (I wonder how long THAT took!)
Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier. (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!) Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .
“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny. Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger. The world is a Perfect Place.”
The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything. “I did what you said. I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it. I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom. Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .
Well YEAH, GENIUSES! She DID die! That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!
Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene: (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .
“That’s SO racist!”
. . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.
You know, what? Why choose? Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!
Come back soon, Tyler! Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!
In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .
Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!
How’s this for a rockin’ present? Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . . . OMG! They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION! Holy CRAP!
Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .
Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head. Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine. But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT!
“Lovely Katarina. I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his.
In fact, the next new episode of this fang-tastic show is not set to air until April 7th!
Now, that doesn’t mean that the TVD fandom has gone silent! NO WAY! Us fangbangers still have PLENTY to talk about! For starters, just this week, the CW released its Extended Trailer for the show’s upcoming episode, entitled, “Know thy Enemy.” And it’s, for lack of a better word, a real SCREAM!
But if that trailer didn’t get your tongue wagging, this next piece of intel definitely will (assuming it hasn’t already). After an entire season of speculation and rumors, producers of The Vampire Diaries have finally revealed the name of the actor selected to play the vampire, who will undoubtedly be the most terrifying villain Mystic Falls has ever seen. After all, he’s the only vamp with the power to make Vampire Katherine cry . . .
Of course, I am referring to Santa Klaus. And he will be played by . . . (drumroll please) . . . THIS GUY!
It’s Joseph Morgan!
“Yay! Joseph Morgan! That’s so . . . wait . . . I don’t know who that is.”
One could argue that the role of Klaus will be the MOST important one TVD producers cast this year. After all, much of the second half of this season has coped with the ominous Sun and Moon Curse, and, specifically, its implications for Elena Gilbert. Because she has the dubious honor of being the Petrova Doppelganger, Elena needs to DIE, in order for this curse to be successfully broken.
“Oh HELL NO!”
As the OLDEST Original Vampire, one who is notoriously DEAD set on capturing Elena and breaking the Curse, Klaus has undoubtedly become Public Enemy Number One for the Salvatore Brothers and the Scooby Gang, as they fight to save Elena from an untimely death. So, while the character has yet to make an appearance, his reputation certainly proceeds him.
Some notable tidbits we’ve learned thus far about Klaus include: (1) He used to bone Katherine, on a fairly regular basis . . .
Who hasn’t?
(2) But, then, Klaus killed Katherine’s ENTIRE family. This ultimately forced the vixen to become a vampire herself, so that SHE wouldn’t fall victim to the same Sacrifice, for which Elena is currently being hunted.
(3) Klaus’ fellow Original vampires think he’s a wackadoo, and will stop at nothing to make sure he meets his True Death . . .
(4) Klaus has kidnapped(?) the witchy daughter of the now very-dead Jonas. And he is using her powers for his own personal gain.
(5) As an Original, Klaus can compel other vampires, walk in the sun without a sunscreen ring, and break walls of glass, just by playing with coins . . .
Because you never know when THAT little magic trick will come in handy . . .
(5) But Klaus is not invincible. He can be killed by a special dagger dipped in white oak ash.
(Just make sure you don’t “pull it out.”)
(6) Ironically, the act of breaking the Sun and Moon Curse, which Klaus is so determined to accomplish, will also leave him temporarily vulnerable for such a staking.
“Dream on, Diaper Boy! Curse or no curse, I can’t be tamed!”
On one hand, TVD producers’ decision to cast a more-or-less unknown British actor to play such a major role in their series, is a prudent one. After all, this will force fans of the show to view Joseph Morgan’s performance with an open mind. Fangbangers can now evalulate the character, without being distracted by the preconceived notions and strong opinions that come attached to the “bigger named” stars, who might have been more obvious choices for the role . . .
On the other hand, The Vampire Diaries is a show known for its extremely talented and unfathomably attractive cast . . . particularly, in the MALE Department . . .
So, if the TVD writers expect us fans to believe that this Klaus Dude is a formidable opponent to Man-Gods, the likes of Damon, Stefan, and Elijah . . . someone who could bring the Cooly Unflappable Vampire Vixen Katherine to her knees . . . in more ways than one? Well, he better something REALLLLY special! Because, if not, the Fandom will NEVER embrace him . . .
And the actor will be forced to endure a venomous wrath, the likes of which he has never before experienced . . .
Which brings me to Joseph Morgan . . . Who the heck is he? Fortunately, in this modern age of Google and YouTube, with a bit of digging, we can find out . . .
First off, Joseph Morgan is ENGLISH!
(Though, who knows if we are actually ever going to hear his accent on the show.)
He was born in 1980. And yet, I can’t seem to find his actual BIRTHDATE online. This means I can’t do a blog birthday celebration for him, which really dusts my doilies.
(I mean seriously, Joseph, as an actor, you’re supposed to lie about your AGE and birth year, not your birthdate! An actor’s birthday is something to be cherished, not hidden from the world! Just sayin’!)
Anyway . . . fans of the UK television series Hex probably remember Joseph as Troy — the kinder, gentler, non-supernaturally inclined love interest to the show’s Season 1 lead character, Cassie . . .
Like The Vampire Diaries, Hex was an urban fantasy / paranormal romance tale, which took place in a school setting. Like Elena, the main character, Cassie, through no fault of her own, was constantly being thrown into danger by supernatural forces over which she had minimal control. Also like Elena, everybody in the cast (Troy included), for better or worse, seemed to be madly in love with Cassie.
So, Joseph Morgan is definitely no stranger to starring in television shows, that exist on an alternate plain of reality — one where things go bump in the night, and magic is a weekly occurrence. But whether the actor can evolve from playing the Jock Next Door to the Big Bad Vampire Villain remains to be seen . . .
One thing is for sure, though. He definitely has the BODY for it . . .
In addition to Hex, Morgan also starred in a series of historically – based movies and mini series. During these films, he was able to exhibit physical prowess and athleticism. Both of these traits will absolutely come in handy, during the inevitable stunt play and fight scenes in which the character will likely engage, in upcoming episodes. These movies included the Russell Crowe film, Master and Commander, Alexander, and, most recently, the mini series Ben-Hur, in which he played the title role . . .
You can check out the trailer for Ben-Hur, and see Joseph Morgan in “action,” here:
But, physicality, sexuality, and looking good naked are just the tip of the iceberg. As the oldest and most powerful vampire in the world, Klaus must possess the dignity and wisdom that would inevitably develop in an individual, after so many years spent roaming the Earth, and dominating its people. In his role as William Price in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, Joseph Morgan was granted the opportunity to exhibit that part of himself . . .
Off screen, many of The Vampire Diaries‘ cast members spend much of their spare time working hard to support the charitable causes about which they are deeply passionate. Most notably, Ian Somerhalder has recently launched the Ian Somerhalder Foundation, which, according to its Mission Statement, “aims to empower, educate and collaborate with people and projects to positively impact the planet and its creatures.”
Like Ian, Joseph Morgan is also deeply involved in world issues and charitable causes. He is the leading supporter of Positive Women, an international charity that works to improve the lives women and children affected by the HIV/Aids virus. You can hear Joseph discuss his charity, and its vision for underpriviledged women, here:
(I almost wish I didn’t know about all this. Because it’s going to be REALLY hard to dislike him now . . .)
No word yet, on which episode will mark Joseph Morgan’s debut as Klaus. However, if we’ve learned anything from this past season of TVD, we can assume that Klaus won’t leave Mystic Falls, without wreaking some major havoc on its residents in general, and our Scooby Gang, specifically. And do THAT I say, BRING IT ON!
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