Just what Storybrooke needs, another “reformed villain.” The town suddenly seems overrun with them. Jiminey Cricket is going to need to start a new support group soon . . . maybe even a halfway house. This week on Once, the Wicked Witch of the West gave up her ability to shoot green farts from her fingers for the greater good. Also this week, the Charmings fought over how bling-y Emma’s and Hook’s wedding should be, but still seem to have forgotten that they have another child. Be patient, Baby Neal. I’m sure in 28-years you’ll get all the parental love you so desperately need and deserve.
Let’s review, shall we?
The Heart of the Matter
Once upon a time, the Wicked Witch of the West was just a sweet ginger teen, who used her magic, to like help birds and stuff. But it turns out the good folks of Oz were super racist against magical people (or maybe they just had something against gingers), so they bullied Mini-Not-Yet-Wicked-Witch. Fortunately, this all-powerful magical being had a man to help her . . . a big burly teen with an axe. And everyone knows that crude weapons that require close contact with the victim in order to be effective are WAAAAYYYY more powerful than magical fingers that can turn you into a flying monkey from 100 yards away. So, away fled the bullies. Thus, a new (very temporary, but highly plot convenient) friendship was born between the Wicked Witch of the West and the dude who would eventually grow up to become the Tin Man.
Years later, a now grown and green-faced Wicked Witch of the West (whose magic knows no bounds, but still apparently needs servants to salt her deli meat dinners) is lounging alone in her castle when she receives a visitor. Why, it’s her old friend Guy With An Axe . . . except now he sort-of / kind of looks like the Tin Man! It turns out that the Wicked Witch of the North stole Tin Man’s heart (for fun, I guess?), and now he will turn entirely to tin if he doesn’t find a MacGuffin in the middle of the forest to cure him.
(Huh? I thought when evil people stole your heart out of your chest, you became their personal puppet, not their personal oil can. Why are you changing the rules on me, Show?)
Anyway, Wicked Witch agrees to help the Tin Man Formerly Known as Guy with an Axe to find his MacGuffin, because she was given the day off from her usual job of terrorizing munchkins and lollipop kids, and had nothing better planned. Everything goes well at first! The Wicked Witch even rescues the Tin Man Formerly Known as Guy with an Axe from being eaten by Scar from The Lion King! She does this by shooting green farts from her fingers at Scar, and turning him into the Cowardly Lion. (We feel you, Scar. Being farted on is super traumatic! Who knew that all this time the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz was just suffering a mild case of PTSD brought on by stinky gas?)
Things go south, when the Wicked Witch finds the MacGuffin and learns that, in order to get the Tin Man’s heart back, she has to imbue the object with all of her powers, thus giving up her green fart fingers forever. (Or, she could just, you know, go to the Wicked Witch of the North, fight her, and take the heart back by force, but whatever!) Not willing to give up her powers for her friend, the Wicked Witch abandons Guy with an Axe, just as his transformation into a giant oil can becomes complete. Then, the Wicked Witch goes back to her castle to eat the deli meats that have been sitting out on her dining room table for hours, getting cold and probably catching flies. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . .
Then again, considering this is the same character whose storybook demise literally involved forcing her to take a shower, I guess it’s kind of par for the course.
Why You Should Never Hire Snow White to Plan Your Wedding . . .
Back in the present day. Emma and Hook are making pancakes, tongue kissing and fondling one another in a way that says (1) “we had great sex last night;” and (2) “we are about to get started on Round 2.” So, of course, Snow White has to barge into the couple’s home and ruin everything. Hey Snow, while you are so busy keeping Emma from getting a Little Hook in her (see what I did there?), you might want to consider the fact that your newborn baby hasn’t had a diaper change in about three months. I mean, you probably aren’t feeding him, so that helps a bit with waste minimization. But still!
“Too bad, you get none. Gawd, you are so needy!”
Anyway, Snow White is apparently into scrapbooking! (Twenty-eight years of teaching eight-year olds to build the exact same bird house every day will do that to a person!) Snow has lots of ideas for Hook’s and Emma’s wedding. “The apocalypse can wait,” exclaims Snow. “We’ve got ten seasons of Say Yes to the Dress on DVR to watch!”
And so, instead of spending the episode figuring out how to defeat the Black Fairy, Emma and the rest of her family, at Snow White’s behest, fill the hour scouting wedding venues. Snow’s top pick: Granny’s Diner, the exact same place where the groom temporarily died a couple seasons ago. But worse than that, it’s a diner. So tacky!
Prince Charming is not down with this choice of venue at all. “My daughter is a princess. She’s not having a wedding that’s the Storybrooke equivalent of a kid’s birthday party at McDonalds.”
Charming is also not cool with Emma having her wedding at town hall. He makes some rather snide comments about its poor lighting and shoddy paint job, before storming off. Prince Charming = Wedding Venue Snob, who knew?
“If my daughter gets married in a diner, I’ll never be able to show my face in the country club that Storybrooke doesn’t have again!”
He’s totally right about the diner, though . . .
The Lesser of Two Evils . . .
While the rest of the town is suffering from Wedding Fever, the Wicked Witch, to her credit, seems like the only one actually interested in defeating this season’s Big Bad! When the Black Fairy shows up at the Wicked Witch’s house and sort of/kind of threatens to eat her baby, if she doesn’t go over to the dark side (Well, I mean, technically, the Wicked Witch is already on the dark side, so, I guess, the darker side?), the lady in green is mad as hell, and she isn’t going to take it anymore!
Regina tells the Wicked Witch to slow her roll, and not be so hasty about murdering the Black Fairy, who is currently holed up in the dwarf mines. “We have four episodes left in the season . . . relax!” She tells her sister.
But the Wicked Witch will not relax! And she will not wait until Snow White plans an entire wedding for Emma at Chuckie Cheese to murder the lady who wants to eat her kid. (For all we know, the Black Fairy may have already eaten Baby Neal, and put a spell on the Charmings and the series writers, so they would forget he existed! That would explain so much!)
“Unlike the rest of you wackos, I actually like my baby! I do not want him served with french fries and a side of ketchup as the main dish at Emma’s wedding.”
So, the Wicked Witch drops off her baby at Belle’s house for safe keeping, trying desperately to ignore the fact that Belle recently managed to lose her own baby five minutes after giving birth to it. (She’s still the best babysitter in town though, scarily enough.) Then, our villain / heroine (villoine?) heads to the dwarf mines to defeat the Black Fairy.
Inside the dwarf mines, as it turns out, the Black Fairy and Stepford Gideon are farming white magic crystals. When the Wicked Witch confronts the Black Fairy and tries to green fart finger her to death, the latter turns the tables on the former, by using the witch’s own magic to turn all the white magic crystals to dark magic ones. This just so happens to be the first step in the Black Fairy’s “How to Start and Apocalypse” handbook. Who knew?
When Regina finds out how royally her prodigal sister screwed things up again, she tells the Wicked Witch to take her baby and leave town for good.
“Damn you, sis, and your attempts to move along plots faster. Don’t you know this show is on the verge of cancellation?”
But the Wicked Witch has other plans . . .
In Which The Wicked Witch Becomes Just Some Lady Who Really Likes to Wear Green . . .
The Wicked Witch uses her magic to bring a green fart tornado to Storybrooke. But that green fart tornado just so happens to be carrying a very important item. By golly, it’s the MacGuffin from the flashback! You know, the one that saps all the Wicked Witch’s powers! The Wicked Witch decides to use the MacGuffin to suck up all her powers, thereby turning the black magic crystals back to white magic ones, and undoing the Start of the Apocalypse (at least for three more episodes).
Regina and Emma are super proud of the Wicked Witch for giving up her powers to save the world, for now. But they may feel differently when they need someone to make them a green fart, and no one is around to do it . . .
In other news, the clan decides to use one of the newly restored white magic crystals from the dwarf mines to wake up the Blue Fairy from her coma. Emma and Co. are hoping that the Blue Fairy can give them intel they can use to defeat the Black Fairy. Yeeeaaaaaah. . . . probably not. For one thing, the Blue Fairy is super shady, and will most definitely end up being the season’s surprise Bigger Bad. For another, her only current talents on the show seem to be losing babies, getting cursed by villains, and making judgmental faces at people, in that order.
Resting . . . er I mean . . . Flying Bitch Face
But hey, all logical reasoning and common sense aside, you keep dreaming big, Emma and Co! You may live to see a seventh season yet . . .
“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains. For one thing, he seemed totally redundant. I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?
Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .
But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . . with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut, the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it. This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over? He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd . . .
Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies. I mean, they always got off to a promising start. Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake . . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?
But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well . . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .
In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past. He’s a Riddler done right . . .
Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons. His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.
But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all! By lingering in the darkness, and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once. He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves . . .
He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst . . .
So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . . and some dentures, because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .
[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]
Wish you were here . . .
Poor Stiles! He’s on a Bad Trip. And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries. I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . . the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .
Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there. What’s worse, he’s injured and can’t escape. What’s even worse than that? He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .
Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though! And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception. So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this. He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.
Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild. And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles. But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.
The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected! And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail! Time to switch to Verizon, Scott! (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)
Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal. (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)
“I think I just pissed my self.”
“Me too!”
But Stiles is no dummy. He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well. And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because, as Lydia rightly notes, “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”
“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t. I’m going to art school!”
And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”
“Hey Lydia! It’s me . . . Stiles . . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life. The usual.”
Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne! Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!
The Cats in the Cradle
You ever play that game when you were a kid? The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?
There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills. It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.
It’s also kind of f*&ked up. Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.
But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind. Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years. Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them? Could the Nemeton?
After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice, and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.
If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .
It’s Just Me, Myself, and I
With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal, when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes. Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .
“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here? I could really use a band-aid?”
“No bandaid. Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”
But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway? Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night? The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed? The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously? The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang? Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?
And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .
Wack-a-doodle
It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one. With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.
The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds. One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate. The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.
“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less. “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”
At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead. Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”
“Smells like Teen Spirit.”
Well thank you, Captain Obvious! I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed. Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!
In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do Very Bad Things! He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.
“I rule!”
Hey Sterek fans? Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points? Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden? Who’dda thunk it?
“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”
Back on Stiles’ bed, Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings, and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum. Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!
Dear sweet Lydia, Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.
On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures! Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!
Ooh, how embarrassing! Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!
Or was he . . . .?
My What Big Teeth You Have?
Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes. And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst! First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up. Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about. “When is a door not a door?” “Everyone has it but no one can use it?” “Hey, watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”
What a douchebag!
He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .
Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his janky teeth and bad breath, and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.
Now, that’s just rude. There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation. Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap? Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt. Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.
In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.
“This is really not very sanitary!”
Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.
Wait, what? Did I miss a connection here?
“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”
So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay. And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time. In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.
That’s fine. But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof . . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .
Color me confused . . .
BatMan Strikes Again . . .
Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.
Ahhhh . . . memories! There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .
Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier. Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile. They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.
“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”
Not cool, Teen Wolf writers. Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled, hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe. But never fried!
Fix this, Jeff Davis! And fix it fast! Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!
S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles
As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again. The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .
A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?
For one thing, they both seem much too young, considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s. For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia. In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .
So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all. Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else . . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.
Though, I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .
What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.
Speaking of symptoms . . .
Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.
Did I say migraine? I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.
It’s not easy being a banshee . . .
In which the Bad Guys Win . . .
Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.
And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is . . .
STILES?!
Wait . . . what?
So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger? What is this The Vampire Diaries? All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .
All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying. Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence. Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .
By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . . Now, that would give her a good reason to scream . . .
Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.
Take that, Papa McCall . . .
Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?
It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!” She threatens coolly.
Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder. “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified. In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .
Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .
Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine . . .
Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else. She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal. And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps? (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)
Konnichiwa, Werebangers! This past week, on a heavily Eastern Mythology-inspired episode of Teen Wolf, Scott and Kira read a children’s book together . . .
“I’m not a great reader. But I’m very good at looking at pictures.”
Isaac dressed up like one of the bad guys from The Matrix . . .
Lydia . . . did nothing, because she wasn’t in the episode.
And in earth-shattering, climactic news, Stiles . . .
. . . killed a firefly.
Perhaps, more than any episode in the 3B block, “Silverfinger” was, at its heart, an origin story. Nothing fleshes out a hero more than a Great Origin Story. It shows us what drives and motivates this character . . . how he came to be the living, breathing entity you are watching on screen.
But what about the Villain? Too often writers don’t care enough about their villains to give them a satisfactory Origin Story. Rather, their motivations for wreaking havoc are hastily explained in the moments before their demise at the hands of the hero.
Writers neglect their villains at their peril. Because the viewing public loves a solid villain, one with specific dreams, goals and disappointments, beyond the usual “Plans for World Domination.” Cool villains like the The Joker, Loki, and Magneto make their protagonist counterparts more interesting, and their inevitable final encounters more epic. In short, it’s the ultimate love / hate relationship . . . a twisted romance of sorts.
Now, I’m not saying that the Oni and Nogitsune we met this week, are particularly well fleshed out yet. I mean, we aren’t even sure what the latter looks like. And though there are five of the former, we still can’t tell them apart . . .kind of like those pesky not-so-Alpha twins. Yet both of these baddies, actually have fairly solid motivations for doing what they do.
“It’s complicated.”
The Oni are kind of like cops. As far as they are concerned, the Nogitsune is seriously bad dude, a dark spirit that infects society with evil. Is it so wrong them, for these guys to hunt it down and try to destroy it? I mean, they are even learning from past mistakes and trying to minimize harm. Back in the day, they used to just kill everybody, in hopes that one of them would be the Nogitsune.
“In hindsight, we might have overreacted just a bit.”
But now they test people first. If they aren’t evil, they get a nice little neck tattoo and can go on their merry way. That’s a pretty humane practice for a bunch of so-called super villains? Don’t you think?
As for the Nogitsune, we’re told he’s this awful guy. But so far, all he’s been doing is hiding from the Oni and trying his best to stay alive. Wouldn’t each of us do the same thing, if some pesky fire fly guys were trying to kill us?
See . . . it’s all a matter of perspective, folks. Let’s keep that in mind as we review, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to my Evil Genius Screencapper Andre,who is deftly plotting his path toward World Domination, one screenshot of shirtless men at a time . . .]
A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .
When Papa Argent first encountered the Oni (i.e. the new word we learned this week for the Firefly Guys), he wasn’t the badass Mr. Mom he is today. Rather, he was a strapping young arms dealer, just trying to please his old man, by striking a deal with the Japanese Mafia.
“I’m way too attractive not to get my own prequel . . .”
Enter the Oni, whose idea of successfully closing a deal is killing everyone on the other side of it.
“Say hello to your intestines leaking out of your body.”
What a waste of some seriously swanky suits!
And then there was one left . . . and, as luck would have it, he was the one the Oni were searching for all along.
“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and bright. And I pity any yakuza who isn’t me tonight!”
This one supposedly had a dark spirit inside of him, and some awesome magical powers. But the only thing “impressive” I saw about him was impossibly large teeth and some bad cataracts. He growled and made a lot of noise, but ultimately Nogitsune 1 died without putting up much of a fight.
“When are people going to learn that throwing your arms out and embracing the world pretty much guarantees you aren’t going to make it out of the end credits alive.”
Or did he? Because I have this sneaking suspicion that a very important part of this story is missing. And the Ole Horse Teeth was nothing more than a pawn in the Real Nogitsune’s game . . .
But, of course, we can forgive Papa Argent for being a bit hazy on the details. After all, he was young (and hot) and spent most of the experience peeing himself behind a rock . . .
Then Young Papa Argent shot an Oni in the mask, and learned he had no face, which pretty much makes the Oni the Japanese Cousins of the soul-sucking Dementors from Harry Potter . . .
This little distraction allowed Little Papa Argent to escape . . .
Not satisfied with Papa Argent’s explanation of the leather suit-wearing freaks currently trying to murder them all, the Scooby Gang decide to gather additional intel from some old bald Japanese Yoda-like guy, who conveniently also survived the great Yakuza Massacre of 1980 something . . .
The problem, of course, is the last time Papa Argent attempted to find Beacon Hills Yoda, he kind of / sort of got his ass kicked . . .
So, being a Good Dad, Papa Argent does what any self-respecting father would do . . . he sends the guy who wants to bone his daughter directly into harms way, to do his dirty work for him!
It’s actually a pretty crafty idea, if you think about it. I mean, either way, the Elder Argent eliminates a threat . . . though the latter threat is only to his daughter’s panties . . .
Beauty and the Beast
Awww how sweet! After a night of battling Oni, Kira rode home on the back of Scott’s motorcycle, he showed her his goofy-looking wolf face, and she fondled it, and thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, thus proving that this girl REAAAALLLY needs to get out more . . .
In other romance news, Ethan and Aiden stalk Scott on their matching motorcycles and tell him that they will stay loyally glued to his side forever and ever, or until he gets eaten and brutally murdered by Oni, whichever comes first. I smell a werewolf threesome!
I guess there are some folks who were born to always be minions to “The Hottest Girl.”
Now, while I’m not entirely sold on the twins as individual characters, I’m actually not minding the idea of them as part of Scott’s pack. After all, up to this point, Scott’s Scooby Gang basically consisted of Allison (weaponry), Lydia (annoying screaming / death detection), Stiles (brains), and Isaac (?). Every good pack needs a little muscle power . . . no matter how empty the heads that come attached to those muscle bags might be. And Ethan and Aiden, they give good muscle (and good bone), if nothing else . . .
Speaking of Stiles’ brains, they are beginning to look a bit less like hard boiled eggs, and a bit more like scrambled ones, with each passing week . . .
This is your brain on Nogitsune . . .
Scott wants to warn Stiles about the Oni. But Stiles is too freaked out that someone had the nerve to erase his chalkboard encoded murder message to Barrow about Kira. That same someone has stolen his key to the chemistry closet. Hey Stiles, ever heard the phrase, “Take a picture. It lasts longer . . .”?
Maybe, next time, Kira will let you borrow her camera phone . . .
For his part, Scott is fairly confident that his best friend is not a love-interest murdering sociopath. But, in all fairness, Scott and Stiles haven’t been spending all that much time together of late. As for Scott, he’s been kind of busy swatting fireflies and eating mouthfuls of wasabi with his new girlfriend, the fox. Meanwhile, Stiles has been making out with random bisexuals, going on investigation missions with his gal Friday Lydia, and, most recently enduring the horrors of a life that has become a perpetual waking nightmare.
Scott and Stiles have been so out of sync lately, that Scott has barely had time to tell Stiles all about his most recent Oni encounters. This is a shame, because we all know that demon-possessed or not, Stiles would have been all up in that amazing opportunity for Nerd Research . . .
Though not necessarily wise enough to retain evidence of his own serial killing tendencies, Stiles is smart enough to seek the help of a medical professional when he’s about to go full-on nutso. He visits Mama McCall because she is clearly the only professional left alive in Beacon Hills hospital. Being a mom first, and a nurse second, Mama McCall is loath to get Stiles any more riled up than he already is about the potential severity of his condition, before she knows what exactly is wrong with him. And so, she diagnoses Stiles with “being sleepy, very sleepy,” shoots him up with some hospital-grade Ambien and shuffles the young lad off into Dream Land . . .
. . . which is precisely the place where all Stiles’ troubles began in the first place.
“Thanks, Mom,” indeed . . .
In the “After Show,” Holland Rhoden suggested that Stiles half-asleep referral to Scott’s mother as “Mom,” is a foreshadowing of sorts . . .
I’m going to take her word for it. But, foreshadowing (and Mama McCall’s questionable medical tactics) aside, I actually think it was a very sweet, quiet, authentic moment between these two characters. After all, why wouldn’t Stiles, whose spent at least the past few years of his young life without a mother, experience feelings of warmth and parental gratitude toward a woman he has known since he was a very small child and trusts very much, who has tucked him into bed, and is lovingly caressing his forehead as he drifts off into some much-desired sleep?
As for Stiles’ biological mom, it appears, based on some quick research on the part of Mama McCall that she experienced the same symptoms as Stiles shortly before her own death, which actually dovetails quite well with my trusty ole Brain Tumor Theory.
However, based on the last few moments of the episode, something a bit more supernaturally sinister may, in fact, be afoot here . . .
Why it’s bad to take selfies on your dad’s computer . . .
Agent McCall / Daddy Douche, tech savvy scamp that he is, apparently installed some security function on his computer that takes pictures of people other than him that try to use it. And while I’d say, just password protecting the darn thing would be a heck of a lot more efficient /effective. Doing it this way, does make it that much harder for the intruder in question to deny his guilt. Not to mention the fact that secret selfies are just hilarious. Because who doesn’t look super goofy, while they are staring into a computer screen?
Anywhoo, Daddy Douche wants answers. So off he tromps to his son’s house to get them.
Meanwhile DARKNESS IS COMING . . .
Isaac Plays Dress-up
Sure Daddy Argent, dress your daughter’s boyfriend up in a penguin suit and send him into a scary warehouse filled with roid-raging bouncer types with really bad manicures under the pretense of selling some old gun. Sounds like a great idea!
Because Isaac is not a total moron, he’s a bit conflicted about the whole “entering the jaws of death” thing. So, Allison puts her tongue down his throat and makes him grab her ass, and suddenly everything is totally cool! (Everyone claims Allison is totally human. But I’m not so sure. Clearly she has a Magical Vajayjay.)
As Isaac yammers on about stuff he knows nothing about, the Argents easily work their way through the lamest excuse for security ever. Then Mr. Clean tells Isaac the true story about the weapon he’s “selling,” turns out it was used by one Argent to shoot another one, before he could turn into a werewolf, back in the day.
Pretenses tossed away, Isaac and Mr. Clean both show their fangs to one another, while, upstairs, Papa Argent reunites with Silverfinger for the first time in 24 years . . .
Silver Finger . . .
Missing a Finger . . .
Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid is more than happy to explain to the Teen Wolf audience the mystery of the Firefly Guys. They are Oni, demon warriors traveling through the darkness in search of one being possessed by a dark spirit, the Nogitsune, a form of kitsune. They sift through individuals with supernatural auras, marking them with an S, once they have determined they are still themselves. And once they find their target, they will kill everyone in their way to reach him or her.
Mr. Miyagi politely thanks Papa Argent for saving his life all those years ago. Then, he warns the werewolf hunter that if he finds the Nogitsune he should kill it, “even if it is his own daughter . . . or that goofy kid that hangs out with her daughter’s wolfy boyfriends . . .”
Meanwhile, Scott and co. are back at his house, learning about the Oni the hard way . . .
It’s an Oni Slumber Party!
Scott, that horndog, somehow convinces Kira that the place she will be safest for the night is right in his bed . . .
So, Kira does what any girl would do when she finds herself in a sexual situation with the boy she likes. She . . . pulls out a children’s picture book about kitsune and reads to him.
Dear Sweet Kira. Didn’t you get the memo? You’re on MTV, home of sexed up series like The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and about six shows starring Snooki . . .
Sesame Street is two studios down . . .
Scott’s and Kira’s playdate soon gets rudely interrupted by Agent McCall, who is piping mad about Scott and Kira getting their grubby pawprints all over his MacBook Air. Then, Scott’s mom comes home. And this place is starting to get more crowded by the second.
Honestly, for me, the funniest part of the episode, was when the CLEARLY DEMONIC AND SUPERNATURAL Oni materializes in the kitchen, and Scott’s dad’s response is not “AHHHHHHHH!!!”
Or, “HOLY F*&K! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?”
As most normal people would react. Rather, he’s all, “Who is this tall, poorly dressed gentleman? He is clearly not on the lists of people I approved for you and your mother to hang out with, before I abandoned you both years ago?”
Doofy Papa McCall then walks toward the Oni like he’s actually going to ARREST HIM . . .
So, of course he gets a sword in his belly for his trouble . . .
With Papa McCall out of commission and Mama McCall tending to his wounds, this were-house party can really get started. Enter Twins . . .
And Derek . . .
And MORE ONIS . . .
It’s like the blacklight party all over again, minus all the body paint and bad choices!
Mama McCall gains her hero wings by temporarily ejecting the Oni from her home using . . . you guessed it . . . Everybody’s Favorite Magical Plot Device . . .
Buuuuuut then they get in anyway . . .
Allison conveniently calls Scott just in time to tell him that, provided he and his girlfriend are not totally evil, the Oni are just there to give them both nice neck tattoos. So, chill out!
And so, hands clasped, Scott and Kira meet the Oni head on and prepare to receive their brands . . .
. . . which they do. So, the Onis disappear . . . in search of their real target.
“Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..”
That was easy.
Eat Stiles’ Dust, Firefly Guy!
In the hospital, Stiles awakens to find everybody gone. He wanders sleepily into a lonely dark corridor, just as the McCall family wheel in douchey daddy on a gurney.
Then the Oni come to give Stiles his tattoo . . .
But we all know how Stiles feels about tattoos . . .
So, when the Oni moves to give him one he RIPS OUT THE ONI’S FIREFLY SOUL WITH HIS BARE HANDS, INSTANTLY KILLING THEM ALL . . .
The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”
What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy. Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t. (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.) Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.
. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.
Shame on me.
Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.” For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.” (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)
Mommy?
In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again. (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)
So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire. Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .
(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)
“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet. We’re hunting Originals.”
“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex. You are starting to sound a little desperate.”
Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions. The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave. In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.
(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)
Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?
Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house? Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off. Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together. And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .
“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .”
It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is. That’s right, boys and girls! It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw! (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.)
And Damon? Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business! Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . . (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller. Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)
Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles. Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!! Can you believe it?
Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father. After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!
“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .”
Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .
After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all! (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)
Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers. So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future. All together now: Awwwww!
As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health. They have a date with destiny! Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.
“No, Damon! Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins. It’s not fair!”
“I can take off my pants, if that helps. (I’m not wearing any underwear.)”
And why shouldn’t everyone get to play? There are plenty of stakes to go around! Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.
Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?
Well . . .
On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene. I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus. And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah. My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more . . . STABBING of things. Just sayin.’
Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think. As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected. In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW. It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.
“Check out those pects! Have you been working out?”
But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies. They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar. (See what I did there?) Knowing that Finn will not guard his life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live . . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper. (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)
Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him. But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila. Ahhh, true love!
“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex. I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us . . .”
Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now? What happened to house arrest?) . . .
Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .
. . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes. When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident. Crazy Train is right, Damon.
Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance. . .
Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner. Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.
Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser! We’ve got people to kill!”
Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness. “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house. Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .
Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.
Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion. In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption. (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls. Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)
Question, fangbangers: Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person? I strongly suspect that it does. Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it. So, thank you for that.
You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores? (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.” 1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.) They even bleed pretty. Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.
But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.
Klaus must have noticed this too. Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN. Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen! (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.) The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.
Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea. And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much. Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually . . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause. Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think. She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and . . . logic.”
In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .
Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .
Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.
So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong. He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.
Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission. “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you. Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).
Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later. Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”
Elena pouts in frustration. But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother? Only time will tell . . .
Damn you, promo makers. DAMN YOU!
Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture. Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him. It’s “Elena.” “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.
“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”
Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.” But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength. “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist. “Drink, she says.”
And drink he does. It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES. (What can you do? The tongue wants what it wants.)
Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.
Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .
Between a Rock and a Klaus Place
Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week. Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives. When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.
This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . .
Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her. (It’s a miracle!) She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions. And, just like that, the spell has been completed. Well, that was easy . . .
How many friggin candles does this chick have? Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode. And they are always these boring white ones too. A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?
On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.
Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness. Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.
After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally. I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed. Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning. And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!
The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics
It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries. If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed. It would have saved them a stake . . .
Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila. Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point. (Yikes. What a way to live! No wonder he was always wanting to die!)
“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.”
A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . . . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . . That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned. Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.
Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her. She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .
With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila. When they go outside to investigate. Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey. Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.
“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.”
And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus. Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.”
Who will save YOUR soul?
When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus. (Well, it’s about damn time!) Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar. Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die, before they can do any real damage.
This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial.
Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support. Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .
Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan. Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him. Well, hello BIG TWIST!
Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality. After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.” Damon’s blood turned Caroline. Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon. And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.
The question is . . . which Original turned Rose? Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill. Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives. (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.) This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.
In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode. But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂 Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon. “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.
It went differently in my head too . . .
Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil. Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon. (Sounds like a good deal to me!)
But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over. So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that . . . MORE excruciating pain.
Someone needs a nap . . .
It really has not been a good episode for Damon. Has it? He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).
Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus. Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang. But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.
Heart-to-Bloody Heart
In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing. Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead. (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.) Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.
Klaus pouts, promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws. That’s the spirit Klaus! Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .
Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore. This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season. That makes Stefan sad.
Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.
“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.
Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels. But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .
Bad!Alaric strikes again.
Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.
“It’s OK, Alaric. My father will always live on in my memories. We shared so many good times together.”
During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.
“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”
But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.” He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN. (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!) Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)
Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey.
Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup. Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.” *sigh*
(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)
Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy. In other news, Tyler’s back. And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.
Caleb must have accidentally slipped a video from his personal porn collection into the “A” attachment . . .
The Truth hurts sometimes, My Pretties! And for a group of characters, who have become rather accustomed to spending their lives tiptoeing from one lie to the next, sometimes the pain of facing real, honest-to-goodness, truth can be just about unbearable. In “Breaking the Code,” all of our PLL girls were forced to confront some pretty ugly truths, both about themselves, and about the people they loved. How they react to this knowledge will undoubtedly shape the events of these crucial upcoming weeks, as we get closer and closer to finally figuring out the identity of “A”!
So head on over to your favorite abandoned law firm, drink some tequila shots with the hottest doctor in town, and plan a tea party with your mom and boyfriend, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
That Mona! For a girl who supposedly became Queen B, around the time Princess Ali kicked the bucket, she sure does get the short end of the Friend Stick, where Hanna is concerned.
Between her endless “A” investigations, dramatic family issues, and regular interludes of sex on Spencer’s Nana’s couch with Caleb, it seems as though Hanna constantly has better things to do, than to go shopliftping with Mona. This, of course, makes Mona’s receipt of text messages from “A” seem more than a bit convenient, don’t you think?
Now, suddenly, Mona has something else to talk to Hanna about, aside from whether she should wear pure silk or a poly blend to some party. And it’s a good thing too, because life sure seems to be distracting Hanna from the “important things,” lately. “Did I catch you in the middle of a nap?” Mona inquires, when Hanna isn’t giving Mona’s new clothing “purchases” the attention the latter feels they deserve.
You know what DOES get Hanna’s attention though . . . Mona’s admission that “A” has been feeding her intel about Hanna’s mom and Deputy Douchey, that’s what! You know, like, for example pictures of the two of them making sweet, sweet love IN FRONT OF AN OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW (Because that’s precisely the place you take all your secret lovers, right?) . . . and police reports about Hanna shoplifting that were expunged, after Mama Marin and Deputy Douchey made sweet, sweet love IN FRONT OF AN OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW.
“Are you looking at my bum? You dirty bum-looker!”
This is some pretty damaging stuff! (Not as damaging as the fact that Mama Marin stole money a dead lady, mind you, but pretty damaging nonetheless.) Now, suddenly, Hanna is very, very interested in what Mona has to say, indeed . . .
Of course, this is PLL, not Gossip Girl. So, when “A” shares information with you, it’s not just as an FYI. Usually there’s a catch involved to knowing certain things, even if you weren’t interested in knowing them in the first place. Now, “A” is threatening Mona to rat out Mama Marin, or SHE will be the one put under fire for her own pretty little shoplifting habit!
“Moi?”
What’s Mona going to do? Sell out her bestie, in order to ensure her own safety? It’s not really Hanna’s place to say. But Mona’s confession does put her in a really awkward position with her friend . . . not to mention, make her feel EXTREMELY guilty.
(Poor Mona! And she would have been such a good crisis center call responder too . . . such sensitivity to those less fortunate than herself!)
It also earns Mona a spot at the PLL girl’s lunch table . . . an honor she’s been denied, multiple times in the past. The invitation in question, comes after Mona gets yet another threat from “A,” this time on an apple, of all things.
If I were “A”, I would have probably just written “bite me.” But I guess this works too . . .
Hmmm . . . on one hand, I’m happy to see Mona finally getting treated right by Hanna, and accepted into the fold, by the other girls. She really has come a long way from that girl who ripped up, poured soda on, and tossed out, Caleb’s first declaration of love for Hanna.
And yet, if Mona DID end up being “A,” wouldn’t her sudden receipt of text messages, and act of valor involving Hanna be the PERFECT ALIBI, not to mention a great way to get in close with her victims, and mine them for additional information. (“Keep your friends close . . . and all that.)
I just love when Spencer goes into Law and Order mode! Her tough-girl rendition of, “I’m the money,” when that creepy Jonah dude met with her and Aria to give them tracer information on the cell phone from whom Ali was getting calls, nearly had me in hysterics. Too bad they spent $2,000 of Jason’s money, and only got themselves one stinky address. (I could of told them, the call was from a prepaid cell phone!)
Though the girls initially plan to seek out the address in question immediately, they can’t because Police Boy Garrett is watching them . . . Correction: he’s ALWAYS watching them! And we wonder why so many bad things happen in Rosewood to the teenage population! It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that all the cops in town are too busy stalking their underage ex girlfriend’s enemies, or diddling the parents of crime suspects, now could it?
Eventually though, the girls manage to give Police Boy the slip long enough to stake out the address. And it ends up belonging to an old abandoned law firm, and the CREEPIEST LOOKING OLD GUY EVER! Seriously, I’m talking Freddy Krueger levels of frightening.
“That’s not A!” Captain Obvious Emily remarks, as the pair dash away from this oldster, and escape the abandoned, but not entirely forgotten, premises.
But wouldn’t it be hilarious, if that was “A”. Just the idea of this guy sending Mean Girl text messages to Emily, and scrawling threatening letters to Mona on an apple is enough to make me giggle . . .
As much as Jonah’s Ice Cold Tip might have seemed like a red herring at first, the law firm in question actually ends up being linked to not one, but two, characters on the show . . . one of whom is pretty close to the top of the “A” suspect list. For starters, it’s the law firm that represented Mama Marin in her divorce from Papa Marin.
But the bigger question for me is, why the hell did the firm shut down, in the first place? Most law firms don’t just close up shop over night, and sell their real estate to creepy, Freddy Krueger-looking old guys. Something pretty bad must have gone down at that firm, in order for this to occur . . . just sayin . . .
“The first time I saw you, I just thought, ‘Damn!'”
Ahhh, now for my absolute FAVORITE part of this episode. While continuing to decode A’s cell phone, Caleb unearths another piece of the same video taken from Ali’s room, that we’ve been viewing part and parcel, for weeks now. Up until this point, we’ve always assumed that the NAT club was sent scattering from the room, because Ali herself was returning there. But, as it turns out, the person from whom the NAT club was running wasn’t Ali at all . . . it was . . . wait for it . . . a TOTALLY PSYCHO-looking Melissa. Seriously, girlfriend looked full scale Crazy Nanny Carrie in those video shots!
(I know I keep using them, but I just love these pll-ichats. They are hilarious!)
No wonder the PLL girls were screaming so loud! Crazy Face Melissa could give Freddy Krueger looking old guy a real run for his money, in the evil entrances department. The rest of the girls, of course, want to turn the video over to the police right away . . .Now, this seems a bit moronic, if you ask me. After all, how many times are these girls going to give up the goods to the police department, before they realize that the Rosewood PD is (a) completely useless, (b) always ends up using the information against the girls, and (c) is probably working for “A.”
Aside from that, stomping into someone’s bedroom angrily, far from makes you a killer. Then again, she does look pretty f*&king crazy in that picture. Anyone could see that . . . well, except for maybe Blind Jenna.
Not wanting to turn in her pregnant sister to the cops, so soon after (1) her husband died / killed himself / was murdered; (2) she got into a car accident and almost lost the baby; and (3) she just found out that her parents have an illegitimate child she used to enjoy making out with, Spencer begs the rest of the girls for another 24 hours, to talk to Melissa, and get HER side of the story, before they turn her in.
Here’s the thing about Melissa. I kind of think her being “A” is too obvious, especially since she was painted pretty firmly in the suspect corner this week. And, remember, we still have at least two episodes left in the season, before we learn A’s true identity. What I do think about Melissa though, is that she might have been the one Ali was blackmailing with information about Jason’s paternity. There was just something about the way Melissa acted early on in the episode when that information was revealed, just didn’t strike me as that genuine.
The blackmail option would also explain Melissa’s angry presence in Ali’s room, on the night she died . . .
As for Spencer, the possible guilt of her sister isn’t the only harsh truth she has to face, in this week’s episode. She also learns that Aria’s been lying to her about not seeing Fitzy, when, in actuality, the two were sucking face on a weekly basis, the whole time Spencer was whining to her about the loss of Toby.
Then, to make matters worse, when Spencer goes to meet Melissa at a local bar, to discuss her appearance on the tape (Yes, because a bar is an absolutely GREAT place for an underage girl and a pregnant woman to meet!) . . .
. . . Melissa BLATANTLY ditches her for Police Boy Garrett, of all people. Worse yet, Spencer WATCHES her do it, and lie about it, from the window of the bar!
(Rumor has it, these two have been spending A LOT of time together. It was even implied, during the episode, that Melissa’s current spawn, might actually belong to the Policeboy. Crazy Eyes sure does get around, doesn’t she?)
Just kidding . . . please don’t kill me.
Is it any wonder that, by the end of the night, an emotionally exhausted Spencer is ready to get totally snockered on tequila with Dr. McSexypants himself, Wren?
I know I’d do it, if I were her! After engaging in some innocent bar flirting, Wren ends up taking Spencer back to his place, where she drinks even more, and starts drunkenly seducing the older man, like it’s her job!
(That’s funny. This is exactly how I reacted, the first time Wren was on MY TV screen. Go figure!)
It’s rather impressive, actually. Then the pair share a pretty adorable conversation about which one of them is more screwed up / comes from a more screwed up family. (Hint: Wren don’t even bother, Spencer’s got it in the bag!) During the conversation, Spencer admits to being a competitive perfectionist (duh!), even when it comes to yoga. As for Wren, apparently he’s so OCD about organizing his books alphabetically, that when Spencer teasted him about having an Aristotle book out of place (What kind of twenty-something actually owns a book by Aristotle? Oh Wren, it’s a good thing you’re so hot!), he actually stopped macking with Spencer to stare at his bookshelf. Silly boy!
Skewed priorities aside, the chemistry between Wren and Seduction Mode Spencer (it’s always the straight-laced ones that end up being the craziest drunks) was white hot! And what was even white hotter, was the fact that Wren, despite clearly be tempted, ultimately played the part of a gentleman, by not taking advantage of Spencer, in her vulnerable situation.
He did, however, let her sleep on his couch, and offer her an invitation to return, whenever she likes. They tongue kissed to seal the deal, of course.
Wren might not want to take advantage of Spencer. But something tells me Spencer will be taking advantage of that body of Wren’s very, VERY soon. Can you blame her?
In other news, Melissa finally decided to show up and talk to Spencer. But she insisted on taking her to a remote place to do it, and just seemed really squirrely throughout the entire conversation. What’s worse, the usually smart Spencer, decided to go off with Crazy Eyes, herself, WITHOUT TAKING HER CELL PHONE.
Clearly, all those hot Wren kisses, must have gone to her head . . .
Speaking of face sucking . . .
When the going gets tough, (the tough eat your face) . . .
Maya may actually have made good on her threat to run off to San Francisco, rather than return to True North to conquer her “doobie problem.”
All Emily knows is that she hasn’t been returning any of her calls. But as is usually the case with Emily, the very minute she seems like she might be single again, a buzzer goes off in the heads of every lesbian in Rosewood. And suddenly, they are all in hot pursuit.
“Ooh . . . ooh . . . pick me . . . pick me . . . my turn!”
This time, Emily’s aggressor is Paige, a.k.a. as Little Orphan Butchie, (though now that she has a better haircut, the title is admittedly no longer appropriate).
When we first see Paige, she’s all zen and thrilled about having finally come out to her parents. And it’s not long, before she’s making flirty and suggestive comments to Emily, about the possibility of a rehash of their earlier, tumultuous relationship.
*clears throat*
Paige may be more out and proud than she was when we first met her, but when it comes to reading relationship cues, she still has a heck of a lot to learn. Case in point, when a crying Emily admits to Paige that Maya and her had a fight, after which the former went missing, Paige decides this is a great opportunity to RAPE EMILY’S FACE. Oops.
And as much as I was never Paige’s biggest fan, I can’t help but feel bad for her and her utter cluelessness. Then again, she did try to DROWN Emily, once before, which undermines my sympathy for the character, just a smidge . . .
At the end of the episode, the police come to Emily’s doorstep to talk about Maya.
Golly gee, I hope she didn’t burn down that law office, while sparking a big ole’ doobie . . . Seriously, though, I hopes she’s OK . . . unless she ends up being “A,” in which case, GOOD RIDDENS . . .
Speaking of good riddens . . .
It’s an Ezria Tea Party! (a.k.a. Now A’s messing with the Moms!)
Ladies, what the heck was the deal with Fitzy, this week?
And why was Aria wearing that bizarre early 90’s ensemble? She looked like an extra from Saved by the Bell . . . Was it just me, or was he SUPER CALLOUS in that car scene, with Aria, in which he contemplated dumping her, and running off to New Orleans, for his new boyfriend Byron?
Yes . . . Fitzy . . . you were a dick . . . yes, you were.
On one hand, this isn’t the first time, Fitzy has been scared away by Aria’s parents, and frightened into giving up on the couple’s May/December romance. But the way he treated her, while he was doing it, just seemed uncharacteristically cold to me . . . particularly when he left her alone crying in the car, and then proceeded to WATCH HER CRY, STONEFACED, from his car, for about five minutes, before driving away.
It was just an odd scene, all around, in my opinion. Though on a positive note, Lucy Hale definitely does give good cry. I’m not ashamed to admit, I got a little teary . . .
Speaking of odd, Aria’s mom is suddenly all up in A’s grill, because of that note Papa Montgomery got last week, cluing him in to the location of Aria’s ultimately canceled date with Fitzy. Now, she’s decided to find out, for herself, who A is. That can only lead to BAD THINGS, me thinks . . .
*insert hissing noise here*
But the hunt for A isn’t the only aspect of Aria’s life that Mama Montgomery has started to dip into. She’s also decided to reevaluate her stance on the whole Ezria issue, after receiving a tearful tongue lashing from Aria regarding Papa Montgomery’s plans to ship Fitzy down to the bayou (probably in hopes that he would be eaten by alligators). Honestly, ladies, it doesn’t get much more awkward than your mother plopping down on the couch at your boyfriend’s couch, and staring at you, while you all pretend to drink tea.
That said, I do give Mommy Dearest some props for her willingness to hear her daughter out . . .
Speaking of self-sacrificing mom’s, Mama Montgomery might not be the only PLL Mommy hot on A’s trail. When Mama Marin finds the police report A threatened Mona with, her first thought is that Deputy Douchey sent it, in hopes of forcing Mama Marin to have more sex with him. But when she confronts the latter with the offending document, he seems just as freaked out by it, as she is! And with good reason! Last I checked, accepting sexual favors in return for sentencing clemency, was generally frowned upon, in law enforcement . . . no matter how good one might look, dressed in nothing but a towel . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see “A” using the gun she stole from Spencer Hasting’s desk to do some pretty on-point target practice.
Be afraid, PLL girls. Be very afraid!
And that was “Breaking the Code” in a nutshell, my Pretties. Next week on PLL, we get a father/daughter dance, a missing persons poster, Toby on a motor cycle, and Spencer’s dad repeatedly saying things, like “pump up the jam.” (Hey Mr. Hastings, 1992 called. It wants that phrase back.) You can check out the promo for the episode, here . . .
Greetings, My Pretties! I think the theme of “A Kiss Before Lying,” is best stated by the late Ali herself, when she asks Hanna (in her trademark “Ali” way that is both insulting and mysterious, at the same time). “Aren’t you just sick and tired of being you?”
In a literal sense, the line refers to Ali, herself. After all, at the time, she was wearing a wig and masquerading as a fictional literary character, and quite possibly — if the conspiracy theorists are to be believed — masquerading as her own twin sister.
But, in a way, this episode showed us that all the PLL characters have created alternate identities for themselves, to some extent.
Let’s see: there’s Hanna and her mom, who must pretend that they are wealthy through natural means, and not, as a result of theft. There’s Aria, who must pretend she’s dating Holden, instead of Fitzy. There’s Spencer, who’s trying to portray herself, as tough and strong, while, on the inside, she is literally wearing Toby’s under shirt, and falling apart at the seams.
There’s Maya, who’s trying to show herself as being “cool and laidback,” while, in reality, she’s still rocking some serious resentment toward her girlfriend’s mother, for getting her shipped off to druggie camp. And, finally, there’s Evil Stepsister Kate, who’s hiding a literally UGLY past, during which her now-flawless face was covered with ugly boils. And, if my theory is correct, she’s also hiding a series scheme to take down Hanna, once and for all . .
“I’m going to ship you to the glue factory, just like this horse . . .”
As for the episode title itself, “A Kiss Before Lying,” two couple’s exchanged kisses this week, Emmaya and Ezra. Fitzy and Maya . . . what lies are they tellings their loved ones about their identities? Could either of them be “A”? 😉
So shake up your boil-and-baggy, throw on your favorite wig, and practice your favorite Air Hockey Victory Dance . . .
. . . because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
Spencer Hastings Smells Like Cheeseburgers . . .
“What? You don’t like it? It’s my new Ode de McDonalds’ perfume . . .”
So, I have this new theory that Caleb Rivers is a werewolf. Why? Because he has a creepily good sense of smell. Just last week, while on yet another phone hacking excursion with the PLL girls, Caleb kindly informed Emily that she smelled like mulch . . .
This week, Caleb got Spencer to stop crowding him, by informing her that he could tell she had a cheeseburger for lunch . . . even though it was already dinnertime! Now, that’s impressive . . .
Anyway, contrary to my own interest in Caleb’s latent lupine tendencies, I think the real point of the scene was to show (1) that the PLL crew still couldn’t figure out what the heck is in Ali’s Secret Box; (2) that Dead Ali takes the best fake license picture, ever . . .
Seriously . . . it’s like one of those Glamour Shots!
. . . and (3) everybody is still freezing out Hanna, due to the whole “she put the flashdrive in a blender, but Caleb secretly made a copy” thing . . .
Have you ever called all your friends at once, and none of them answered? So, you developed this paranoid fear that all of them were together having fun without you? Well, that’s pretty much EXACTLY what’s happening to Hanna, right now.
“Hmm . . . well, Ali’s dead, so I can’t call her. Mona’s probably out shopping for more sweater sets. Lucas is an ONLINE GAMBLER! So, I can’t hang out with him . . .”
We watch as each of the PLL girls, and Caleb, receive calls from Hanna, one right after another, and subsequently ignore them.
Eventually, Spencer takes pity on Hanna (after cynically noting that she is always the last one called), and actually picks up her phone. Cue the idiocy of Emily, who chooses that exact moment to break glass on the floor, and Aria, who chooses to yell “EMILLLLLLYYYYYY,” in a ridiculously loud voice, so that Hanna can hear her.
(She might as well have just yelled, “HI HANNA! It’s ARIA! We are all here at Spencer’s house, rubbing up against your boyfriend! And you aren’t invited! Sucks to be you!)
“Umm, I’ve got go hang out with my family,” Spencer blurts out awkwardly, before hanging up the phone.
In other news, Aria has inexplicably begun lying, not just to her parents, about continuing to see Fitzy, but to her friends as well. “There are certain situations where you have to lie to your friends, even if you hate doing it,” Aria tells Spencer in a private moment, after everyone else has left the house.
Aria’s actually talking about herself. But Spencer assumes the confession relates to the secret all of them are currently keeping from Hanna. So, she lets it slide . . .
Speaking of Spencer, the poor girl is clearly on the verge of an Abs Toby-fueled emotional breakdown! She’s wearing his t-shirts . . . sitting in his abandoned car . . . deathly afraid to be alone . . . all the post breakup depression signs are in full force. It’s interesting to see this more vulnerable side of Spencer. After all, of all the girls, she seemed to be the most independent, and the least reliant on significant others to make her happy.
And yet, perhaps, that’s precisely the point. Unlike the other girls, who are all rather quick to fall in love, and open their hearts to new people, Spencer is a bit more guarded and closed off. So, the fact that Toby was really able to wiggle his way into her heart, is something that Spencer does not take lightly, nor can she let it go, so easily. “I don’t know how you are holding it together,” Spencer cries to Aria, as the two embrace.
Spencer, I’m really sorry your sad. We all love Toby, really we do. But . . . might I make a suggestion?
Sorry, I just couldn’t resist . . .
Fitzy and Aria generate some real heat, while Holden and Aria order some fake appetizers . . .
I love all these TV shows, where couples do things together while driving, like making out, and sometimes even, having full-on sex. And nobody stops to think that maybe this is a bad idea . . .
Fortunately, (since this IS ABC Family, after all) Aria’s mouth doesn’t stray far enough from Fitzy’s to go some place more X-rated. Yet Fitzy definitely closes his eyes, and turns his head, for a good five seconds, in order to return the favor.
And we all know how “easily distracted” Fitzy can be . . .
While it was definitely sweet to see Aria and Fitzy together again, doing coupley things (even though, for obvious reasons, those “things” are restricted to secret car rendezvous), there’s something about the way the pair has to continuously sneak around and look over their shoulders all the time, that’s a bit sad. It must make them FEEL like they are doing something wrong, whether or not they believe they actually are.
Oh, and did I mention that Byron the Bad Dad is trying to get Fitzy shipped off to Louisanna for an “Associate Dean” position, at Hollis’ satelite school?
“Whachu talkin’ about, Recapper?”
*insert evil laugh here*
First of all, what kind of self-respecting university gives an Associate Deanship to a 24-year old, with less than one year of teaching experience? Second of all, Byron’s a moron, because he’s pretty much inviting his daughter to runaway with an older man and elope in the bayou. He also seriously needs to get laid, because his man-crush / fixation on Fitzy is getting a bit ridiculous. Third of all . . . well . . . I think this picture pretty much says it all . . .
After Aria’s and Fitzy’s Secret Car Ride, she rushes back to Holden, just in time for Bad Dad Byron to take them home. While Bad Dad leaves the car to make a clandestine call to his secret underage girlfriend get some money from the ATM, Aria and Holden work to get their story straight about what they fake ate for dinner, during their fake date. They also make plans for their next fake date, which just so happens to be their third one of the week.
I kind of love that ABC Family is “cultured” enough to have it’s characters do a little eyebrow raising and tongue wagging at the notion of the “third date,” which is referred to by some single adults as the “sex date.” Though I suspect the line was not meant to imply that Aria and her friends share the same custom as their older counterparts, I do think ABC was providing a little wink to some of it’s viewers, who are college age, and above . . .
Of course, Aria and Holden aren’t having sex. They are just eating a lot of fake garlic bread, with extra butter. It’s a good thing Bad Dad Byron doesn’t share Caleb’s superpowers. Otherwise, he would have totally been able to “sniff” out this particular lie . . .
“One of you smells like Fitzy’s car, and the other one smells like Fight Club. I wonder which is which?”
In which Maya teaches us about the pot-smoking tendencies of jazz musicians . . .
I guess I should really start listening to jazz music . . .
So, Maya and Emily are back together. By the time we reunite with them, they are already cuddled in Maya’s bed bantering, back and forth about Emily’s disappointment about being off the swimteam . . .
On one level, Maya’s being pretty cute and supportive of her girlfriend, while attempting to find humor the bad situation that is Emily’s expulsion from the team, due to both her being a suspected murderer. And yet some of Maya’s “joking” suggestions about how to seek vengeance against the team do seem just a smidge “A” like, don’t they? Like putting Nair in their shampoo bottles for example . . . Just sayin’ . . .
In other news, Fitzy apparently isn’t the only couple capable of creating heat. Emmaya was so racy this week, it practically came with it’s own “parental discretion is advised” label . . .
In addition to plotting against the swim team, and fondling one another, Emily and Maya also briefly discussed Mama Field’s visit to Rosewood, and what impact that would have on the couple’s relationship. Apparently, Maya still hasn’t quite warmed to the woman who got her shipped off to druggie camp. (Gee, I wonder why?)
Back at school Emily gets a message from “A” attached to her locker . . .
Just kidding! The note is actually from HER MOM!
“Haha! Suckassss!”
It IS interesting that “A” and Emily’s mother happen to have the same handwriting, though. Don’t you think? I also think the wording of the red-herring message is interesting, considering that Emily, herself hasn’t been tortured by “A,” since her greenhouse encounter. It’s also important to note that of all the romantic relationships on this show, Emmaya seems to be the only one “A” hasn’t tried to break up. Hmmm . . . suspicious . . .
Anywhoo, when Emily’s mom offers to take Emily’s friends out for dinner, Emily instead suggests new/old girlfriend, Maya. And you could just see Mommy Dearest’s face crumple into a million pieces at the suggestion. But she quickly recovers, and agrees to date, promising to give Maya another chance . . .
To say Emmaya and Mom’s date doesn’t exactly go well is the understatement of the century. Right off the bat, Maya angers Emily for engaging in odd conversation about “cell phone apps” with A’s probable new lacky, and Blind Jenna’s new beau, Bushy Eyebrows Noel.
“Emily . . . Emily’s mom . . . two women on this show that I haven’t dated yet. Might I interest you in a threesome?”
When Maya promises Emily that Noel is a “nice guy,” the disdain is written all over Emily’s face. The latter observes wryly that “his smile takes up half of his face.” I’d like to add that his eyebrows take up the other half . . .
Have you ever a friend who, for whatever reason, just continuously said rude and inappropriate things in front of your mother? And you just knew that your mother couldn’t stand her, which made meetings between the three of you super uncomfortable?
I’ve actually had this experience a few times, which is why I was cringing throughout this dinner scene . . . From Maya’s backhanded compliment to Mrs. Fields about her ability to control and dominate those less powerful than herself . . . to her insistence that Mrs. Fields probably only listened to conservative music, and wouldn’t listen to jazz, because jazz musicians were potheads . . . to her leaving the phone on LOUD, while at the dinner table . . . to her repeated references to “druggie camp” . . . and the stalker boyfriend she had there, it was as if every word out of Maya’s mouth was specially designed to piss off Mama Fields. And if Mama Fields’ pursed lips smile, and raised eyebrows were any indication, her plan worked splendidly. (I think I smell another Byron Montgomery, in the making.)
When a frazzled Mama leaves the table (probably to call her shrink, or her priest, or something), Emily really lets Maya have it for her bad behavior . . .
At first, Maya is extremely defensive, when confronted with the accusation that she is deliberately sabotaging Emily’s relationship with her mother, and, by extension, Maya’s relationship with Emily. She genuinely doesn’t seem to think she did anything wrong. Then, she goes on the offensive, by accusing Emily of picking a fight with Maya, simply because she’s concerned about Maya dating boys.
Though my instinct was to side with Emily on this one (respecting my elders, was one of the very first lessons my parents drilled into my head, back when I was really young . . . and it stuck, in a big way), Maya’s response to the accusation made me wonder, if, perhaps, she really wasn’t aware of how rude she was being. Having grown up in a hippie-type household, it’s highly possible that Maya was simply raised differently than Emily and I were. Perhaps, in her house, parents and adults speak to one another as equals, and are brutally honest with eachother, even when it’s hurtful. Then again, my parents probably wouldn’t ship me off to juvie, just because they found a doobie in my bag. So, who knows?
Maybe all of this weirdness is simply because Maya is “A” . . .
Emily must have been giving all of this some serious thought, because she shows up at Maya’s house, before school the following morning to apologize for her (comparably small) part in their argument . . .
“This would probably be a bad time for me to ask you, if you had any weed, right?”
Emily opens the conversation by admitting to Maya that she was uncomfortable with the notion of Maya dating boys, but only because she’s uncomfortable with the notion of Maya dating anyone besides her. (Let’s temporarily forget the fact that Emily has had five romantic relationships on the show, aside from Maya . . . two of them with boys.) In return, Maya admits that she probably was acting out against Emily’s mom, because she’s still pissed at her for getting her shipped off to druggie camp. But when it comes to dramatic apologies, Maya certainly doesn’t mess around . . .
OMG! Maya just redecorated her ENTIRE room to look like an underwater wonderland, JUST BECAUSE Emily missed the pool. Talk about romantic. (Of course, you do know, Maya, that whatever you do for Valentine’s Day and her birthday, is going to end up being a SERIOUS letdown, by comparison.)
If there was ever an appropriate time to exchange “I love yous” with your significant others . . . this is that time . . .
Annnnnnd . . . then they had makeup/ underwater wonderland / “we just said I love you for the first time” sex . . .
The first rule of Fight Club is you never talk about fight club . . . with Aria.
Anyone else think that if Aria went into fight club with Holden, she’d kick his ass. Girlfriend is small . . . but scrappy. Just ask Fitzy!
So, Aria and Holden are out on another ‘fake date” . . . which ends up being a “real date,” because both of their “fake dates” conveniently canceled at the same time. (For the record, this was the first time I started to wonder whether Holden actually has nowhere else to go, while Aria is off with Fitzy, and simply uses the “fake date” as an excuse to get out of the house. It would certainly explain his awkwardness, when Aria announced that her date was canceled, as well as his insistence that he and Aria see one another as much as possible. More on that, in a bit . . .)
Studies show that a good way of determining whether someone is lying is to watch their eyes when they talk. Liars tend to avert their eyes, when speaking to you, by looking above you, or to the side of you, while they are speaking. See above.
One of the fun things about watching Aria and Holden play air hockey together, was how genuinely innocent and angst-free it was. So many relationships on this show, are filled with drama, tears, breakups, and “A” manipulations. But these two just seemed to enjoy spending time together, and felt comfortable enough with one another to be genuinely goofy.
So, of course, Holden had to make things dark, by showing off his MASSIVE TUMMY BRUISES, right?
OK, so I have a few theories as to where Holden got that bruise on his stomach. Here they are, in no particular order:
(1) Holden is secretly Tyler Durden from Fight Club.
(2) Holden suffers physical abuse at home. And goes on fake dates with Aria, simply to get out of the house, because he is terrified of being alone with his abuser. (See above)
(3) Holden is also involved in a Forbidden Relationship, only those who are opposed to it are A LOT more upfront about their dissatisfaction than Bad Dad Byron and his sleazy “associate deanship” plans . . .
(4) Holden has been hired by Blind Jenna to do the N.A.T. club’s dirty work (just as Caleb was, earlier on in the season). Generally, he just spies on the girls. But once, she had him pick up Ali’s secret box. The bruise is from where Hanna hit him with her car, during his getaway . . .
Do you guys like any of these? I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts . . .
You take the high road, I’ll take the NAKED road . . .
Toward the beginning of the episode, Hanna’s mom warned Hanna to play nice with Evil Stepsister Kate, or they’d both end up looking like trash. Obeying her mother’s wishes might be easier said than done for Hanna, especially when she’s being freezed out by all her friends and her boyfriend, and continues to receive texts like this one from “A” . . .
So, remember when Ashley Marin stole money from that old lady, and hid it in a lasagna box. And then the old lady DIED? Yeah, I thought the PLL writers forgot about that too. But apparently, “A” remembers . . .
Of course, it’s not the reference to the lasagna box in A’s message that confuses Hanna, it’s the reference to her techno boy toy Caleb, who, as far as she’s concerned, stopped investigating A’s phone, when Hanna “blended” the flashdrive containing all it’s intel. Not wanting to break their pact with Caleb, the rest of the girls are frustratingly evasive with Hanna, when she inquires about this . . . even going as far as to suggest that A is just flat out WRONG.
Silly little liars! Everyone knows that A is NEVER wrong, especially Hanna . . . So, she pulls Spencer aside, and asks her flat out, whether the rest of the girls are blowing her off, because they are mad about what she did with the flashdrive. Spencer denies this, but awkwardly so. (Breaking up with Toby, has apparently turned Hanna into a really sh*tty liar.)
And a sh*tty litte dresser . . .
This prompts Hanna to angrily remind Hanna that she did what she did to protect Caleb, and she would do the same thing for any of the little liars. Oddly enough, in actually, that’s exactly what the rest of the liars THINK they are doing for her.
Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to figure out what exactly Kate is up to that is prompting her to be so sickeningly sweet to Hanna and her friends. (We’ll find out soon enough.)
“Is your head going to start spinning around, and start spewing out green stuff? Or are you more of a Paranormal Activity, watch me while I sleep, and then throw me into a video camera after you eat my heart out, type demon?”
Meanwhile, Spencer is just trying to figure out where the f*&k she remembers Evil Stepsister Kate from, aside from the ill-fated wedding . . .
(I suspect the costume department wanted Spencer to wear a ridiculous Sherlock Holmes hat, while she was doing her investigation, just to add to the humor of this plotline.)
Later, in gym class, the show producers make a point to show us how Hanna puts her cell phone in her bag, which she then stupidly throws into her locker, WITHOUT LOCKING IT . . .
Then we see Kate lingering, an oddly long time in front of her locker, as if she can’t get it open. Though everyone else is already in their gym uniforms, she is suspiciously still dressed. And you’ll see why that’s important, in a little bit. Of course, it’s this moment when Spencer finally figures out exactly where she knows Kate from . . .
Apparently, Melissa was Kate’s camp counselor, back when Kate was a loner loser with a Face Bug Bite problem. And Spencer has the pictures to prove it! I do love when Spencer gets into protective mode for her pals. I think we all could use a friend like Spencer in our lives.
Anyway, spencer not-so-subtly warns Kate that if she mistreats Hanna, Spencer will expose her for the Bug Bitten B*tch she is. Of course, Spencer strongly suspects that Kate will ruin her own reputation, long before this can happen, simply by being her awful, nasty, self . . .
“Ooh, I should really threaten you back, but I can’t think of another horse metaphor to use . . .”
I actually think that Spencer’s words were what inadvertently gave Kate the idea to steal Hanna’s phone, if she hadn’t been planning to do it, already . . .
Later that night, Spencer and Hanna meet up at Spencer’s house. Spencer is happy not to have to spend another night alone sniffing Toby’s undershirt. And Hanna is just happy she’s let back into the ‘inner circle.” Spencer even rewards Hanna, by showing her the promised picture of Evil Stepsister Kate and her Evil Bug Bites. Hanna is impressed with her friend’s super sleuthing, not to mention VERY pleased with the results . . .
But the friendly outing goes south fast, when Hanna finds the picture of Ali’s faux-license in Spencer’s phone, and realizes precisely what Caleb and the rest of the PLL girls have been hiding from her, these past few days . . .
Hanna later confronts Caleb with this discovery, who perhaps doesn’t feel quite as guilty as he should, since he’s still not sure why Hanna was so adamant about him not investigating the phone in the first place. Hanna then tells Caleb about the whole “money in the lasagna box” thing, and admits that the person who’s phone he has, is the one who’s been taunting her with knowledge of this information.
I was kind of glad Hanna trusted Caleb enough to tell him this, especially since she hasn’t been able to tell any of her friend, and I know the secret has been weighing heavily on her, for quite some time. I also love that Caleb (a) accepted the information without any judgment, and (b) immediately went into protective boyfriend mode by heading straight to Blind Jenna’s house to threaten her against hurting Hanna. (I guess he assumes this is her phone.)
Of course, Police Boy Garrett intercepts Caleb the minute he sets foot on Blind Jenna’s porch. Clearly, business is very slow in the Rosewood Police Force, since Police Boy Garrett seems to have nothing better to do than to hang out in coffee shops, and sit outside Blind Jenna’s house for hours, waiting for visitors.
“Hey, Caleb! I’ve been sitting in this cop car doing nothing all day, and I’m super board. Wanna sit with me. We can watch Blind Jenna’s window, and play Angry Birds on my iPhone!”
Did you catch how Police Boy Garrett made reference to Caleb’s former job working for “A” as Blind Jenna’s spy, and how he’s since been replaced by someone else? I actually think this seemingly throwaway line was important for two reasons. (1) Continuity, yay! Caleb’s shady past is another thing the writers seemed to have conveniently forgotten, up to this point. (2) Who exactly is Blind Jenna’s new henchman? Is it Noel, as the PLL girls seem to suspect? Or is it someone closer to the PLL girls . . . like Maya . . . or Holden?
Oh! Good news! Spencer and Hanna kissed and made up. Well . . . they didn’t really kiss, but, you know what I mean . . .
They’ve also uncovered a potentially HUGE clue about Ali’s death . . .
Hanna recalls seeing Ali wearing a black wig, and masquerading as someone named Vivian Darkbloom, while at a beauty salon. (Don’t you think a beautician would figure out that the person who’s hair they are working on was wearing a wig, when they . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . TRIED TO WASH THEIR CLIENT’S HAIR?)
Now you see it . . .
Now, you don’t . . .
Suspecting that Ali might have used the new look and fake identity, in order to investigate her stalker “A.” Super Sleuth Spencer researches the name Vivian Darkbloom on the internet. She quickly discovers that Vivan Darkbloom was a character in the book Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov, and is also an anagram for the author’s name. Ahh . . . I love with PLL gets all nerdy and literary!
I read Lolita. The book was both fascinating and skeevy at the same time. Surely, it can’t be an accident that the show’s writers choose to reference a book about an older man who falls in love with a tempestuous and manipulative early teen, considering how many age inappropriate relationships exist on this show . . .
Hanna recalls stealing the book from Ali, for some inexplicable reason. (Weird . . . Hanna is probably the least literary of the four girls.) But when she retrieves it, out falls some old claim ticket “Vivian Darkbloom” had for a storage locker. Spencer calls the number and makes an appointment to retrieve the contents of the locker, since the REAL Vivian Darkbloom never will . . .
Ahhh . . . the plot . . . it thickens . . .
Over at school, everyone’s gossiping about a phone message that was apparently sent to the entire student body from . . . wait for it . . . Hanna Marin. Yes, because apparently Hanna Marin is a child pornographer . . .
Honestly, I’m a bit annoyed at the rest of the PLL girls for even thinking, for a second, that Hanna would do something so patently disgusting, especially when she had so much riding on not rocking the boat with Evil Stepsister Kate. Of course, the minute Hanna insists that she DIDN’T send the picture, the girls immediately assume that “A” did. Personally . . . I think Kate sent it herself.
I mean, think about it, Kate gets to look like the poor innocent victim, while Hanna looks, to use her mom’s own words, “like trash.” Hanna could get expelled for doing something like this, and possibly even face criminal charges for child pornography. It would also MURDER her relationship with her dad. Beyond that, the picture looks totally posed, and almost too perfect to be candid. So, I’m thinking that Kate used Hanna’s phone to snap it herself, while the rest of the girls were in gym class . . .
It’s been a good year for us Delena fans on TVD, hasn’t it? (And, judging by where things left off, next year promises to be EVEN BETTER! YIPPEE!)
After an admittedly shaky start (Jeremy Neck Snap Incident, anyone?), us stalwart D&E fans fans were eventually rewarded for our patience, with a Season 2 Smorgasbord of Tasty Delena goodness. Within just the first 10 episodes of the Season, we were treated to multiple phallic encounters . . .
. . . passionate exchanges . . .
. . . near kisses . . .
. . . and, of course, one VERY SPECIAL (but equally frustrating) declaration of love . . .
Having experienced the joy of all that, who would have thought that the scenes I just described would ultimately end up being just a precursor to all the FABULOUS Delena Decadence that was to come?
And it is for this reason that, while I had already crafted a list of the Top Ten Delena Moments of Season 1 . . . and followed that up with a SECOND list, featuring the Top Ten Moments of the FIRST half of Season 2 . . . I simply couldn’t resist writing a THIRD article, focusing on the Top Ten Delena Moments of the SECOND half of Season 2. After all, far be it for me to deny my fellow Delena fans, the opportunity to relive the ecstasy of THE FIRST KISS . . .
What follows are my favorite Damon and Elena scenes from the last eleven episodes of TVD’s second Season, starting from “The Descent,” and ending with “As I Lay Dying.” So, without further adieu, let Sweet, Sexy, and Swoon-worthy Nostalgia BEGIN!
10. “Be the Better Man, Damon.”
Episode: “Daddy Issues” – 2 X 13
Setting the Scene:
Team Save Elena (a.k.a. The Scooby Gang) has been making some questionable decisions lately. And it’s been trying Damon’s already-limited patience, BIG TIME. First, Stefan comes up with the “brilliant idea” of inviting Known Vampire Hater Uncle/Father John, and Elena’s Evil Bio Mom Vampire Isobel back to town, so that they could “join the team.” Damon and Elena don’t trust either of these two sorry excuses for parents, as far as they can throw them. However, both recognize that John might have information the two could use to defeat Klaus. “Be the better man,” Elena cautions Damon for the first time that evening, before Damon meets John at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to exchange a few words.
Damon DOES, somehow, manage to hold his tongue, when speaking to John (just barely). Not long after, however, Elena gets a call from Stefan, informing her that the werewolves (Jules and Wereoaf Brady) are holding Vampire Caroline hostage. As a condition of Caroline’s safe release, the werewolves wish to “strike up a deal.” They will return Caroline, in exchange for resident werewolf, Tyler Lockwood.
Upon hearing this, Damon, (who, up to this point, had been completely kept out of the loop, regarding the whole “Tyler is a werewolf” thing) is FURIOUS about this recent turn of events. And he is not at all shy about sharing these feelings with Elena . .
Potent Quotables:
Damon: (about Tyler) “He’s a werewolf. He needs to die. I’m willing to kill. It’s win/win!”
And later . . .
Damon: “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming I’ll play the good guy, because it’s YOU who’s asking.”
Elena: “Be the Better Man, Damon.”
And still later . . .
Damon: (to Uncle/Father John) “First Dad Duty? Ground your daughter . . . keep her here.”
Elena: “I’m coming with you!”
Why it made the list:
“Daddy Issues” was an important episode in the Delena canon, because it, in effectively introduced us to a completely different character, one who we hadn’t seen up to this point. Ladies and gentleman, meet Ponytail Elena. (She will appear again in “The Last Dance,” home to TWO MORE of our Top Ten Delena Moments. Coincidence? I think not!)
While Hair Down Elena might not be sure, at this point in the game, of her feelings for Damon, Ponytail Elena already has a pretty good idea she wants him BAD! (Remember that look of jealously flashing across Ponytail Elena’s eyes, when Andie hit on Damon for the first time? Or the look of triumph on Ponytail Elena’s face, when Damon initially rejected her?) Not unlike Katherine, Ponytail Elena knows EXACTLY what she needs to do to get her way . . .
It was interesting seeing THIS scene back -to-back with the earlier one in the episode, in which Elena instructs Damon to be “kinder and gentler” in his discussion with Uncle/Father John. In both scenes: (1) Elena pleads with Damon to be “good.” (2) He balks. (3) She asks him to be the “Better Man.” (4) He balks AGAIN, but reluctantly agrees. (5) She demands to follow him whereever he is going.
However, the DIFFERENCE between these two scenes is why this one made the list, and the previous one didn’t. Unlike in the first scene, this time, Ponytail Elena is more brazen with her manipulation of Damon. Observe how the Petrova Doppelganger gently places both of her hands on Damon’s arms affectionately, and looks up at him with her puppy dog eyes, when she asks him not to kill Tyler.
Also different from the first scene, is Damon’s reaction. All Damon has to do is take one look at Elena’s hand positioning, and he knows EXACTLY what she’s trying to do. “You need to stop doing that,” he demands, eyes blazing.
I love how Elena, naively, acts as if she isn’t aware of her manipulation of Damon “Doing what?” She asks innocently.
However, the minute he makes mention of it, Elena guiltily removes her hands from his arms. She’s no dummy, that Ponytail Elena! Damon’s response to Elena “(Assuming I’ll play the Good Guy, because it’s YOU who’s asking”) is the closest we’ve come to seeing Damon admit his feelings for Elena directly to her, ever since he told her he loved her, and compelled her to forget it, during “Rose,” back in episode 8.
And yet, the fact that Elena is behaving this way, to begin with, illustrates that she probably already has a pretty good idea of Damon’s feelings for her. When affection doesn’t work, Elena falls back on her catchphrase, “Be the Better Man, Damon,” she tells him, for the second time that evening. The phrase almost acts as a hypnotic trigger for Damon, working on him instantly. Damon will always obey this command of Elena’s, no matter how much he may hate doing so.
And why not? After all, it’s Damon’s incorrect belief that Stefan is a “Better Man” than he is, that keeps him from more actively pursuing Elena, in the first place! At this point in the series, Damon still believes he doesn’t DESERVE Elena. We see this at the end of the episode when the “Better Man” line makes it’s third appearance. “I’m in love with a woman I can’t have,” Damon tells Andie, during the pseudo-couple’s infamous Bathtub Scene. “I have to stay together (read “in control of my emotions”) to protect her, which means, I can’t be who I AM!”
As the series draws to a close, Damon will gradually come to learn how wrong he is in this assessment. But, for now, the elder Salvatore Brother will just have to rejoice in the mini victory of having let Ponytail Elena know that he has her number.
And, hey, she DID want to “come with him” to rescue Tyler, didn’t she? Only this time, Damon said “NO!”
“Nice try, Sweet Cheeks! It’s called ‘playing hard to get.’ Get used to it!”
So, you might be wondering why I included this scene at the top of my list, especially since it seems to show more of a manipulation of Damon on Elena’s part, than actual affection. Well . . . I don’t think that’s ALL it shows.
In “Daddy Issues,” more than any episode we had seen in Season 2 (at least up to THIS point in the season), Damon and Elena are relating to one another in that same super-close, married couple, type way, we witnessed during KEY Season 1 Delena episodes, like “Bloodlines,” and “Blood Brothers.” And, don’t forget, this is POST Jeremy Neck Snap Incident! So, that’s saying a lot!
Yes, they are bickering . . . and arguing . . . and Elena seems to be getting on Damon’s nerves a bit. But beneath all that, are two people who are on the same page. They understand how eachother think. And they subconsciously take comfort in eachother’s company. Why else would Elena keep following Damon around for the ENTIRE first half of the episode? Where was STEFAN during all that time? HMM?
9. Damon asks for Elena’s forgiveness
Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2 X 22
Setting the Scene:
Having been bitten by Teen Wolf Tyler, during his werewolf transformation, Damon believes himself to be doomed to die a painful and ugly death by were-rabies. If Rose’s rapid disease progression is any indication, Damon has a few days to live at most, and just hours, before he begins showing signs of dementia. Despite all this, Damon has made the selfless, but tragic, decision not to inform Elena of his impending death. “The last thing [Elena] needs is another grave to mourn,” Damon tells Stefan, when his younger brother first learns of the fatal bite.
And yet Damon has one dying wish: that Elena forgive him for going against her wishes, and force-feeding her his blood, prior to The Sacrifice. (He did this, so that if Klaus, in fact, killed her, she would at least return as a vampire.)
Thanks to Uncle/Father John sacrificing his soul . . . and his life, for Elena’s, Elena was revived following the Sacrifice, and was able to retain her humanity. And yet, Elena has still not verbally forgiven Damon for his actions. In this scene, Damon arrives at Elena’s house, the morning after John’s and Jenna’s funeral, in hopes of obtaining the absolution he so desperately needs from the woman he loves more than life itself.
Potent Quotables:
Damon: “I want to apologize . . . please . . . Elena feeding you my blood, I was wrong. And I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need it.”
Elena: “And I need some time . . . maybe a lot of time.”
Damon: “Sure . . . of course . . . take all the time you need.”
Why it made the list:
This short simple scene is important, in that it functions as the first step in the journey Damon and Elena take toward mutual forgiveness, acceptance, and possibly much more, during the final episode of the series. The tragedy of this scene, as mentioned above, is that Elena doesn’t know that Damon is dying. Yet, he refuses to tell her.
Damon “needs” Elena’s forgiveness, so that he can die in peace. And yet, he doesn’t want that forgiveness to come from a place of PITY (Take THAT, Pity Kiss THEORISTS!), or guilt. In the epic words Damon himself used last season, in explaining the reason he didn’t compel Elena during the pair’s trip to Georgia, “I wanted it to be real.”
The OLD Damon might have become frustrated with Elena’s stubborness, and refusal to forgive him. (I mean, it’s not like she actually turned into a VAMPIRE, or anything!) Remember how quickly Damon started to pout and complain, when Elena refused to forgive him for the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident, earlier on in the season? But this is a different Damon from the one we knew back then. This Damon truly is “a Better Man.”
Notice how, throughout the scene, even though Damon is obviously going through a TON of personal sh*t, his focus is always on Elena. Watching her linger over Aunt Jenna’s room in the morning, Damon IMMEDIATELY knows the anguish Elena is feeling, upon seeing that bed empty. “It will get easier,” he tells her comfortingly. “Then again, you already knew that.”
And even when Elena refuses to forgive Damon, and he realizes that there is a good chance he will die without receiving that forgiveness, Damon still considers Elena’s feelings to be of the utmost importance. He even manages to smile at her, and say, “Take all the time you need,” when deep down, he knows that his own time is slowly running out . . .
The fact that Damon and Elena started the episode in THIS sad place, however, makes where they end up, by the end of the episode, all the more miraculous . . .
8. Elena rescues Damon . . . from himself!
Episode: “As I Lay Dying” – 2 X 22
Setting the Scene:
Damon’s time is running out. His were-rabies has now set in at full force. He’s feeling weak, is in an incredible amount of pain, and is beginning to have difficulty distinguishing his flashback hallucinations (featuring Katherine) from reality. That’s the BAD news.
The good news is that Damon’s hallucinations have been oddly therapeutic for him. He finally sees that he was personally responsible for his decision to turn vampire, back in 1864. Neither Stefan, nor Katherine forced him to do it. He has to find Elena, and tell her this (as well as FINALLY confess his true feelings for her), before it’s too late.
Elena needs to find Damon too. She found out about his werewolf bite from Stefan, and feels terrible about the way she treated him earlier that day. (See scene above.) Elena wants to let Damon know that she forgives him for feeding her his blood prior to the Sacrifice. She also knows that Caroline’s AWFUL mother Lizard Forbes wants Damon dead. And Elena wants badly to rescue Dying Damon from that b*tch.
Eventually, Damon and Elena do find one another. But Damon just so happens to be in the throes of one of his most vivid hallucination, when the reunion occurs . . .
Potent Quotables:
Elena: “Damon . . . come on . . . come on . . . We need to get you out of here. We have to hide you.”
Katherine: (in flashback, after puncturing her neck, and allowing blood to drip from it) “If you want it, take it. It is your choice to make.”
And later . . .
Elena: (as Damon bites Katherine / Elena) “Damon, you don’t have to do this.”
Why it made the list:
This scene works on two levels. On one, we have Damon, just hours away from death, finally coming to the realization that he is personally responsible for his decision to become a vampire. On another, we have Elena, who, after two seasons of being rescued repeatedly by Damon, finally has the opportunity to put her own life and safety on the line, to rescue him right back.
On some level, Damon and Elena have been searching for one another, the entire episode. It was Damon’s instinctive knowledge that Elena was looking for him outside, that prompted Damon to send Alaric for blood, knock out Lizard Forbes, and escape his makeshift cage in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. Likewise, it was Elena’s need to find Damon, and comfort him, during his final moments, that prompted her to break through the glass of the police station with that chair. (I wonder who’s going to end up having to pay for THAT!)
Of course, once Damon finds Elena, he shifts right back into hallucination mode, and can only see Katherine. In the hallucination, Katherine’s words to Damon are direct. She tells him that the decision to become a vampire is his choice to make. And by biting down on Katherine’s neck, and taking her blood, he makes that choice. Yet, in the present day, Damon is biting on Elena’s neck. Her words to him are symbolic too. She tells him, “You don’t have to do this.”
And though she’s referring to BITING HER, Elena’s words also apply to biting KATHERINE back in 1864. Damon didn’t HAVE to do that. He didn’t have to become a vampire. And he WOULDN”T have become one, if he hadn’t made that choice. The anguish on Damon’s face, upon waking from his reverie, and realizing that he has bitten and hurt the woman he loves, is truly heartbreaking.
But what is sweet about the scene is Elena’s reaction. Yes, Elena is in pain. Yes, Damon hurt her. But Elena isn’t angry at Damon for what he did, or worried for her own safety.
Like Damon’s actions at the beginning of the episode, Elena’s actions here are completely selfless. All she cares about is protecting Damon, and getting him to safety. The way Elena holds and comforts Damon in this scene, you can tell just how much she truly cares about him. And this show of affection is only a precursor of what’s to come later on in the episode . . .
7. Elena Comforts Damon after Rose’s Death
Episode: “The Descent” – 2 X 12
Setting the Scene:
Damon earned the ire of Big Bad Wolf Jules, when she began to (correctly) suspect that he had killed her werewolf buddy, Mason Lockwood, a.k.a. Tyler Lockwood’s Hot Uncle.
The elder Salvatore brother moved even further up Wolf Girl’s Poopy List, when he and Alaric cornered her in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and (under the guise of hitting on her) were-rufied her drink with Wolfsbane.
Fast-forward to the next Full Moon. Jules, in werewolf form, barges into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, intent on chopping on some Salvatore skin. (Can you blame her? YUMMY!)
However, instead of sinking her teeth into Damon, Jules’ pointy choppers land smack dab on the backside of Damon’s most recent Screw Buddy, Vampire Rose.
As a result of the bite, Vampire Rose contracts some bizarre form of were rabies. (Then again, isn’t all were rabies, by definition bizarre?). Shortly thereafte, Rose, pretty much, starts going apesh*t. (She looks pretty hideous too.) Rose uses her Sick Time, constructively, by chasing Elena around La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and trying to eat her. (Personally, I prefer to spend MY sick time watching bad daytime television. But, that’s just me . . .)
When that fails, a wacked-out Rose breaks free from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and starts chowing down on innocent Mystic Falls residents. Damon eventually finds Rose, and brings her back to the house. However, Rabies Rose’s days of eating the Good People of Mystic Falls are numbered. And Damon knows it.
Using his vampiric powers of dream walking, Damon sits Rose down in her lap, like the unruly baby she has become. Being the Generous Mercy Killer he is, Damon creates for Rose a warm fuzzy (read “extremely cheesy”) dream, in which she and he are frolicking through the meadow.
When Rabies Rose is feeling sufficiently blissed out, he stakes her, but not before shedding a few tears, on her behalf.
In THIS sweet and poignant Delena scene, Elena, having learned of Rose’s death, arrives at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check up on Her Future Lover . . .
Potent Quotables:
Elena: “I came back to make sure you are OK.”
And later . . .
Elena: “Damon I’m your friend.”
Damon: “I’m well aware of that.”
Elena: “And a friend usually knows when their friend is hurting.”
Damon: “What do you want to hear? That I cared about Rose? That I’m upset? Well, I didn’t. And I’m not.”
Elena: “There you go, pretending to turn it off, pretending not to feel. Damon, you’re so close. Don’t give up.”
Damon: “I feel, Elena, OK? And it sucks! What sucks even more is that it was supposed to be me. Jules was coming after ME.”
Elena: “You feel guilty.”
Damon: “That would be human of me, Elena, and I’m NOT HUMAN! You’re one to talk about giving up. That’s all you’ve done is give up! Go home! There’s been enough doom, gloom, and personal growth for one night.”
Why it made the list:
You’ll notice that in this scene, unlike the ones that preceded it, I transcribed practically the ENTIRE conversation between Damon and Elena in the “potent quotables” section. That’s because every line of this scene is heavily laden with meaning. In fact, with the exception of the final scenes of “As I Lay Dying,” Damon’s and Elena’s exchange during “The Descent” is probably the most honest exchange they have with one another the entire season.
Just as, in the earlier scene I posted from the finale, where Damon instinctively knows what Elena is going through, when she stares at Jenna’s empty room, Elena, having experienced Rose’s demise along with him, knows exactly how hard it was for Damon to ultimately end her life.
We’ve seen many scenes in which Elena has pushed Damon away, for one reason or another. However, this time, it is Damon trying to do the pushing, and Elena vying for closeness.
Ahem?
But Elena makes a mistake, when she calls Damon “her friend.” Of course, she’s trying to be helpful. However, reminding Damon of their “just friends” status, during this difficult time in Damon’s life, is like rubbing salt in the wound.
(Then again, perhaps, this is a case of thou doth protest too much? Maybe Elena is already starting to feel a closeness to Damon beyond friendship, and needs to reiterate the “just friends” nature of their relationship to convince herself that this is the case? Wishful thinking on my part? Maybe . . . but maybe not. ;))
When Damon denies having any feeling about Rose’s death, however, Elena goes for the “Better Man,” card again. Though she doesn’t use those exact words, by telling Damon that he is “so close” to humanity, that is, in effect, what she is saying. And Elena is right. Rose’s death did cause a sort of emotional breakthrough of sorts in Damon.
But these emotions scare Damon, because, as he admits to Andie, in the following episode, they make him feel out of control. They also cause him to remember how much he misses being human. “That would be human of me, Elena. And I’m NOT human,” he argues. (Talk about a case of “Thou doth protest too much!”)
But even though Damon commands Elena to leave for a third time, during the scene, Elena refuses to go, without giving Damon the comfort she so desperately knows he needs. She hesitates as she turns to leave, looking at him intently for a few beats before pulling him in for a deep Full Body Hug. Elena’s show of affection surprises Damon, and, eventually moves him to tears.
But Damon isn’t the only one who needed to feel closeness in that moment. While Elena may have decided to hug Damon, in a friendly and comforting way, the look she gives him, when she pulls back from the hug, hints that she might have felt something deeper during it, than she initially expected.
For a few moments before she leaves, we see Elena stare pointedly at Damon’s eyes and lips. She does this so intently, that, the first time I watched this scene, I really did think that she might kiss him. But, alas, our first Delena kiss was still quite a few episodes away . . .
6. “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen!”
Episode: “The Last Dance” – 2 X 18
Setting the Scene:
Though he has not yet shown his “true face” to the Scooby Gang, Klaus has not been shy about expressing his desire to “capture” Elena, and use her in his Wacky Sacrifice Ritual. By compelling one of her classmates, Klaus delivers a creepy message to Elena that she should expect to “meet” him at the sixties-themed dance being held at the high school. Rather than avoid the dance (which, to be honest, would have made a heck of a lot more sense), the entire Scooby Gang, Elena included, decides to attend. Their plan is to draw Klaus out, and then kill him . . . somehow.
Needless to say, tensions are high. And no one is more tense than Elena. That is, until . . .
Potent Quotables:
Why it made the list:
Damon: “How you doin?”
Elena: “Umm . . . freaking out a bit. You?”
Damon: “Cool as a cucumber. Come on . . . remember the last Decade Dance. The vampires were all ‘Arrrghhhh’ and you were all ‘Ahhhhh!”
Elena: “Right . . . and . . . we won.”
Damon: “Yes, we did.”
Elena: “You’re good at this.”
Damon: “I’ve got moves, you’ve never seen.”
You know what I actually just noticed about this scene? (And it’s something that I had never picked up on, in the 20 or so times I watched it before hand.) There’s this little moment, before Stefan leaves to go talk to Caroline, that he gives Damon a bit of a head nod, actually ENCOURAGING him to dance with Elena!
Dear old Selfless Stefan . . . you have no idea what you are getting your “girlfriend’ into! Doesn’t Baby Salvatore know that no girl can resist a Dancing Damon?
Least of all . . . Elena . . .
Still, you might be wondering why this scene ranks so high on my list, when the ones preceeding it are so much more “emotionally intense.” But, actually, the fact that this scene WAS SO LIGHTHEARTED AND SIMPLE is precisely why it earned such a high ranking.
The Delena Dance of Season 2, much like the one in Season 1 that preceded it, allowed us a glimpse into what Damon and Elena will be like as an ACTUAL COUPLE. In just a few short seconds of grooving together, Damon and Elena, illustrate all the fun, sex appeal, wit, good humor, and understanding that is going to make Delena such a force to be reckoned with in season 3.
I love the look of shock and arousal that crosses Elena’s face, when Damon first whirls her into his chest. As we’ve seen often with Elena, when she comes in close contact with Damon, she often seems mesmerized, by his mouth in particular.
And, though Damon is trying to play it, “cool as a cucumber” (his words, not mine), we can see that he isn’t exactly immune to Elena’s charms either. There’s a brief second where Damon loses himself in the movement of the dance, and forgets all about Klaus, the Sacrifice, and all his schemes. In that moment, these are just two beautiful people who are insanely hot for one another.
That being said, when Elena openly admits to Damon that she is “freaking out a bit,” Damon immediately becomes refocused on the task at hand: Operation Cheer Up Elena! A
