Tag Archives: Episode 2

Suck and Blow – A Recap of Vampire Diaries’ “Memorial”

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Sure, Damon’s Hand may seem all sweet and caring, while your sucking on it.  But will it call you the next day?

Poor Elena!  We’ve all been there, haven’t we, Fangbangers?  You’re hanging out with friends, having a few drinks, enjoying life, when, all of the sudden . . .

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I don’t know about you guys,  but whenever I feel like puking, the first thing I do is find a mirror, so that I can watch myself do it . . .

Ahhh, yes. thee sure was a lot of binging and yakking, in this episode.  Fortunately, we got to wash it all down with a heaping helping of minty fresh vampire sex, and hand sucking.  So, while we may have ended the hour a bit weaker and paler-looking than we began, at least we left satisfied . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Bambi’s Mother is TOTALLY judging you . . .

Somewhere deep in the forests of Mystic Falls, a group of happy woodland creatures are laughing their asses off at Stefan and Elena . . .

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I mean, sure, I suspect when the big bad OLD Vampire, and the Temperamental Baby Vampire first started making tracks in the woods, the woodland creatures were suffering from some serious anxiety.

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But when Elena started weeping in the woods, after failing to complete her kill . . .

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And then the two started humping one another against a nearby tree . . .

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And then Elena, left mid-hump to yak up poor Bambi’s mother all over the soft lush grass . . .

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 . . . leaving Stefan with a massive case of THESE . . .

I’m thinking that those formerly terrified bunches of bunnies, birds, and assorted wildlife probably all rushed to tell their furry friends about their run-in with the LAMEST ANIMAL-ATARIAN VAMPIRES OF ALL TIME!

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Elena must be the owner of some seriously strong breath mints.  Because upon returning home from their hunt, she somehow managed to suck face with Stefan, without him having any clue that her stomach contents contained a few less Bambi parts, than they had twenty minutes ago.  Ignorance was bliss for Stefan, who bought a bottle of champagne, so that the two perpetual minors could toast to Elena’s first taste of SUPER raw venison.

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Elena didn’t want to alarm her beau about her new-found weak stomach, so she kept her mouth shut.  Well, except for the sucking face, that is . . .

Unfortunately for Elena, much like undigested deer parts, secrets have an uncanny way of “popping back up,” when you least expect.

“Hi!  I’m April, Jeremy’s destined to die in under four episodes quirky new love interest!”

Hey Fangbangers, I’m going to make a suggestion here.  I know she’s “adorable,” with her big doe eyes, and “quirky” fast talking tendencies.  And it doesn’t hurt that she kind of looks like a slightly younger version of Zooey Deschanel . . .

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 . . . but lets not get too attached to April Young, mmm-kay?  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I liked her!  (I know some fans didn’t.)  It’s just that every time she opened her mouth, I couldn’t stop seeing the words “Won’t Make it to Winter Hiatus” tattooed on her forehead.

Special delivery for APRIL!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack to April’s first appearance on the show, which came about sometime around the first ten minutes of the episode.  April has an “adorable” run-in with Matt and Jeremy, because she has “adorably” came back to Mystic Falls High, after her father “adorably,” blew himself up, along with eleven of the communities’ most revered members.

“The roof . . . the roof . . . the roof is on fire.  No, seriously.  . . it’s on fire.”

HUH?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the time your dad is outed as a wackadoo cult leader, who is responsible for the death of dozens, the exact time you should be transferring out of your public school, and . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . hiding under a really big rock?  It’s a good thing April’s adorable.  Otherwise she’d be bait from serious TORTURE.   You know, like some crazy hunter might chop into her, and let the scent of her blood tempt all the monsters in attendance at her dad’s funeral . . .

Because even 170+ year-old vampires can have imaginary friends . . .

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Poor Damon!  It must suck to be repeatedly wrongfully accused of brainwashing a sizeable portion of the town to char-grill themselves into oblivion.

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Though, I must say, you’re not exactly helping your case for “sanity” by saving a seat at the bar for a Man Who Isn’t There . . . or is he?

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By the way, did anybody else get childish glee out of the fact that Elena, in taking the “reserved” seat, basically sat on Imaginary Alaric’s lap?  I bet old school Elenaric Shippers had a field day with that one . . .

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Speaking of shippers having field days . . .

In which Damon lends a very horny helping hand . . .

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Delena fans definitely got their delicious just desserts when a certain newbie vampire confided in the elder Salvatore Brother about her “little digestion problem.”  To me, at least, it makes perfect sense that Elena would turn to Damon over Stefan when she found herself to be a bit lacking in the vampire prowess department.  For one thing, Stefan feels guilty enough having been the cause of Elena’s eternity of vampiredom in the first place, Elena probably didn’t want to make him feel worse, by showing him how sick it was making her.

Secondly, I’ve always gotten the impression that Stefan puts Elena up on a bit of a pedestal, viewing her as almost godlike in her innocence.  That’s got to be a lot of pressure for the doppelganger.  And I think a part of her feels like Stefan would be disappointed in her, if he knew she couldn’t abstain entirely from drinking human blood.

Case in point, recall how much more accepting Stefan was of Caroline’s early baby vampire foibles than he was of Elena’s.  I think that was because Stefan knew Caroline to be a flawed being, in a way he never expected of Elena.

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Now, Damon, on the other hand, is probably the least judgmental guy on this show, probably because he’s such an unapologetic screw-up, in so many ways.  And yet, that’s a big part of his charm . . .

So, of course, Elena’s going to come to Damon when she’s sick, hungry, and horny at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and in desperate need of some HAND SUCK SEX .  . .

This was the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for, since last week’s promos.

And it really was everything I wanted it to be and more.  I loved how Damon noted that, for vampires, the exchange of blood was more personal than sex.  I loved how minutes after the hand sucking began, Damon became so overcome with intense pleasure, he needed to hold on to the wall.

I loved how Damon gently caressed Elena’s hair, during the blood drinking, in a way that was oddly gentle and affectionate, given how raw and intense the exchange seemed to be.

And, perhaps most of all,  loved the way Damon’s eyes rolled back in his head, when the blood drinking reached it’s exciting “climax.”

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Stefan was right to be jealous of this moment, shared between two supposed non-lovers.  It was pretty hard core . . .

Speaking of naughty hands . . .

Coitus interuptus . . .  via handshake?

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You’ve really got to hand it to the editors of this episode.  The way they transitioned from Damon’s and Elena’s metaphoric vampire sex to Tyler’s and Caroline’s actual sex was pretty genius.  Also genius?  The fact that Tyler and Caroline’s sex was literally interrupted by a guy who wanted to shake Tyler’s hand.  (I wonder if he washed it first . . .)

Meet Connor, the Vampire Hunter, and his magically coated fingerless vervain gloves.

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If you’d like to get an idea of how Tyler felt when this hot bald dude shook his hand, imagine those cheesy joy buzzers you get at Halloween shops, and multiply how they feel on your fingertips by about ten thousand . . .

But that’s not all.  Connor wasted no time, before immediately shooting Tyler up with special bullets explicitly designed to kill “regular” vampires on contact.  Ah!  But Tyler is not a regular vampire.  He’s a hybrid.  So, instead of, oh, you know dying, Tyler, quite literally, takes a flying leap out the window and runs away, while Mom looks on, aghast, and a nearly naked Caroline dashes off in hot pursuit . . .

Later at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy remarks about Connor’s massive arm tattoos, which, oddly enough, Matt can’t see at all . . .

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At first, I thought this was just another one of those “Jeremy sees dead people,” things, except . . . well . . . Connor is very much alive.  Now, I’m thinking that the ink was a secret way that ancient vampire-hunting families, like the Gilbert’s, recognized one another, without blowing their cover to the rest of the world.

Just a thought .  . .

Damon Salvatore . . . Germaphobe?

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Later, at the funeral for Pastor Young and all those other dead wackadoodles . . . well . .  . “memorial” . . . no coffins to bury, because all of the bodies were . . . um . . . cremated . . . perpetual-do-gooder Elena is comforting “adorable” April, when she feels herself starting to blow chunks again.  Girlfriend dashes into the bathroom, where she makes a huge mess, and ruins her clothes just as . . . dun, dun, DUNNNNNN . . . Connor knocks on her bathroom door to see what’s wrong . . .

This sounds like a job for . . . wait for it . . . Damon Salvatore, who Elena calls a second time, for help, while her “boyfriend” is over at Bonnie’s investigating the “special bullets” that shot Tyler.

Just like the BAD ASS MO FO that he is, Damon immediately recognizes Connor intentions and not only refuses to shake his hand, but also manages to get Elena a clean dress and steer her clear of the Big Bad Vampire Killer’s clutches, despite her clearly fragile vampire-in-starvation-mode state . . .

Outside the church, Damon, noting that Elena has now rejected both animal blood and vampire blood, offers her a bag of human blood, which she promptly yaks up as well.  (SO MUCH VOMIT, IN THIS EPISODE!)

I loved the sweetly sexy and emotionally-emotionally charged exchange Damon and Elena shared by the tree, during which Damon looked at Elena with such loving concern, and yet confidently reassured her she wasn’t dying . . . again . . .

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Damon suspected that perhaps Elena’s doppelganger blood was rejecting the transition, and, therefore, Elena could only extract blood from the human vein . . .  Hmmm . . . interesting . . . I’m thinking this is an idea you might want to run by that other doppelganger . . . considering how,  if this is true, she would have experienced the exact same thing . . .

Just a thought . . .

As Elena scampers into the funeral . . . well . . . more like stumbles . . . (This is the second episode in a row, where she’s rocking the deathly pale “looks like sh*t” look . . .  Kudos to the makeup artist for that one) . . . Stefan happens by, just as Damon is pocketing the un-drunk blood bag . . .

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Stefan, of course, is super pissed at his brother for bringing Angel Elena down the PATH OF EVIL . . . So, Damon, in responds “kindly” clues his little brother in, on the fact that, not only is Elena rejecting every source of blood imaginable, he and Elena have also been intimate . . . in the vampire sense.

RUH-ROH!  I smell a Salvatore Smackdown coming on . . .

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!!!

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The first thing Vampire Hunter Connor does, upon entering Pastor Young and Co’s funeral is stab Adorable!April in the tummy repeatedly.  Ummm . ..  Connor . . . I hate to break this to you, but April is NOT A VAMPIRE!  Ahhh . . . but wait . . . Vampire Hunter Connor has more important uses for Adorable!April, i.e. vampire catnip . . .  As her scent wafts through the church floor, all the vampires in attendance are suddenly on edge, none more so, than Elena, who, after trying to speak on Pastor Young’s behalf, loses it, and is carried off the stage by Stefan, as a highly suspicious Connor, watches on from above . . .

In a scene I was actually hoping would happen last week, Matt — whose life had been so easily exchanged for Elena’s by Stefan, in the season finale — offers his own vein up to Elena for a secret funeral drink, which is cleverly disguised as a mournful cuddle.

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And though that solves the immediate problem of Elena’s re-death, it doesn’t get rid of Vampire Hunter Connor, or Adorable!April’s tantalizing bloody smell.  And so, in a surprise move, Tyler, who has already been a target for Connor approaches the stage to say a few words about “taking one for the team” . . .

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 . . . and then, he, quite literally . . . takes one for the team . . . as Connor shoots him again . . . enabling all the other vampires in the room, an easy avenue for escape, as the entire church clears out . . .

This leads Damon to finally have a tussle with Vampire Hunter Connor . . .

It doesn’t go so well . . .

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And Stefan certainly doesn’t help matters by PUNCHING HIS BROTHER IN THE FACE . . .

WAIT!  WHAT?

Oh, yeah . . . that whole Delena SEX blood-sharing thing . . . I almost forgot . . . let’s relive it again, shall we?

Mind Control 101: It works better, if you don’t eat your subject’s brain, before you try to “wash” it.

Caroline’s and Elena’s daring campaign to save Adorable!April runs into a bit of a snag, when Hungry Elena tries to  . . . um . . . eat her . . .

Caroline calmly informs Elena that eating fellow orphans is big NO-NO.

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She instead encourages Elena to try out her new-found compulsion powers on the girl.  Elena somehow musters up the inner strength to do this, without eating April, but her compulsion message leaves a bit to be desired . . .

“It was a beautiful funeral,” Elena says.  “People said really nice things.”

Riiiight . . . because no one in town is ever going to let slip in front of April that her dad’s memorial was broken up by an INSANE GUNMAN!

Poor Adorable!April.  Now, everyone is going to think that, not only is her dad a wackjob, but she’s a moron . . .

Just like the In Memoriam part of the Oscars . . . only with Japanese Lanterns

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After laying into Elena a bit about the whole lying / Damon blood sharing thing, Stefan decides to gather the gang for a poignant . . . “look at all our dead cast members” memoriam using Japanese Lanterns to represent the dead.  It was a beautiful ceremony.  But, of course, just like with the Oscars, some poor dead shlub is always getting left out of the festivities . . .

I’m looking at you Uncle / Father John . . . I was thinking the guy who literally gave up his life for Elena merited at least a mention.  But NOOOOO . . .

Refusing to take part in the festivities is Damon, who, contrary to popular belief, is not actually Japanese . . .

Because even in Heaven, Alaric Saltzman still drinks bourbon straight from the bottle . . .

In what was definitely the fan-favorite moment of the episode, we see Damon sharing a heart-to-heart with Alaric Saltzman’s gravestone, while, unbeknownst to him, Ghost!Alaric listens on with a mixture of comradery and wistful sympathy.

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The scene is really just too beautiful not to post in it’s entirety . . .

And so Damon and Alaric got to share one last bottle of bourbon together from beyond the grave.

And I’m still tearing over it 24 hours later . . .

By the way Alaric’s “birthdate,” at least, according to his tombstone, was February 4, 1976, which is two years older than the actor who played Alaric, and probably about 5 or 6 years older than the character was supposed to be on the show.  It just goes to show you that it’s not only the vampires that are ageless in Mystic Falls . . .

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, more torture of Punching Bag Matt . . . more Damon the Cannibal references . . . oh, and Klaus returns . . .

Oh, and I’m sorry Rebekah.  It looks like Matt Donovan is “just not that into you.”  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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An Important Message from Future Nick Miller – A Recap of New Girl’s “Re-launch” and “Katie”

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Ah, New Girl.  There is so much to love about this show.  It’s got penis casts (and penis diapers?), random dancing, drinking games, references to Game of Thrones,and people shaking their asses at one another,  just because they can . . .

But really, for me at least, New Girl is about one man . . . THIS MAN . . .

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Nick Miller, you are the fictional love of my life . . . my Grumpy TV Boyfriend for life.  This is why, though plenty of other things happened, during the New Girl two-episode season premiere, most of this recap is going to be dedicated to you . . . and your turtle face.

Nick Miller’s Greatest Hits

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Here’s how I know, the writers of New Girl care about me as a fan.  Even before the opening credits rolled, we got to see both Nick and Schmidt in their mostly naked glory.  I mean, granted, penis cast diapers aren’t exactly the hottest male fashions of 2012 . . .

But hey, when a girl has gone an entire season without ANY Naked Nick and Schmidt in her life.  She’ll take what she can get.

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Did I mention that Nick Miller sings “Groove is in the Heart,” while in the shower, and has a terrible singing voice?

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You might not know this about me, but I also sing bad 90’s music, while in the shower.  And I too have an awful singing voice.  Now, that’s what I call kismet . . .

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Nick Miller feels your pain . . .

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You can tell how far Jess and the guys have come in their relationship, when she gets canned from her job . . .

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. .  . and they awkwardly rally around her, trying to cheer her up, as opposed to merely be annoyed at her, like they were, when she first moved in . . .

Nick, in particular, seems deeply affected by Jess’ loss.  It even causes him to develop an Eye Twitch . . .

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Though Jess initially claims to be OK with her new-found unemployment . . .

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Nick doesn’t buy it, and goes to great lengths to help her through this difficult time.  He compliments her beauty . . .

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 . . . and her artistic endeavors . . .

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He encourages her . . .

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He even dances for her.  (And Nick Miller doesn’t dance for just anybody.)

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And when Jess’ foray as “shot girl,” at Schmidt’s “Dangerous Penis Party” . . .

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. . . causes her to finally break down, and face her fears about being an out-of-work teacher . . .

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. . . it’s Nick who races off to find her, comfort her, and, of course, tell her she has a plywood ass . . .

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Nick Miller will help you get laid . . . but only if you want to get laid by guys named Bearclaw . . .

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While Schmidt is coping with the idea that Cece has moved on to an adorably average looking guy . . .

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Jess’ unemployed, off-the-grid mojo is off the charts.  This enables her to draw the attention of, not one, but both of Nick’s fellow bartenders, in addition to this really hot guy, who just so happens to think she’s a dancer named Katie, who he met on OK Cupid . . .

Given Jess’ recent hike in sex appeal, and Nick’s newly single status . . .

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Can you really blame the guy for “accidentally” giving Jess’ number to the goofy guy with a Bearclaw tattoo on his back, instead of his much less bear-like friend, in whom she was very obviously interested?

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Eventually, Jess’ identity thieving, two-timing ways, end up getting her busted in a bar bathroom.  And Nick gets a front row seat to her humiliation.  (Though, I guess, when you think about it, the whole thing is actually more impressive, than it is embarrassing.)

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One person who thought this feat was impressive, was actually Jess’ fellow bathroom humper Sam, who decided to continue engaging in mindblowing sex with Jess, despite the fact that she was a liar, who absolutely hated his favorite band, Creed.  Sorry, Nick!  Better luck, next Bearclaw . . .

Nick Miller will apologize to you for things he hasn’t even done yet!

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What would you do, if you had the opportunity to come face-to-face with your future self?

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What kinds of things would you ask him or her?

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And would you take future you’s advice, even if “future you” sort of / kind of seemed like a wackjob, who wore a tin foil hat, and “time traveled” in a cardboard box, while making weird beeping noises?

Nick did.  And it’s probably a testament to his obviously burgeoning feelings for Jess, that, despite the fact that Future Nick might well have been a total nutbar, Nick decided, at the end of the episode, to make his female roommate an old fashioned, and apologize to her for any harm he might cause her heart, in the near future . . .

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Yeah . . . that’s what us folks in the literary and media world like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Don’t you, worry Nick Miller.  Something tells me you and Jess will be having sandwiches and sex together soon enough.  It should have been ME, dammit!

The question is just how badly are you going to inevitably screw it up?

Just so you know, Nick whatever awful things you might do in the future to Jessica Day, I’ll still love you . . .

Until next time, New Girl fans . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][fangirls forever]

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Oops, they did it again – A (Very Late) Mini-cap of Glee’s “Britney 2.0”

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Oh, my dear Gleeks . . . it’s that time again . . . you know . . . the time when McKinley High School makes its annual pilgrimage to Spearsylvania.

And why not?  Spearsylvania is a happy place . . . a place where every song is about That Boy You Boned, and popping your bubble gum, while thrusting your hip out suggestively, is the Language of Love.

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Except, this time around, it appears that something is VERY rotten in Spearsylvania . . .

OMG!  What’s a Gleek to do?

Can the Glee kids save their Happy Place from becoming a world filled with bald heads, bad relationships, and Cheetos binge sessions?  Tune in to this mini-cap to find out . . .

Tough Love is a B*TCH!

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Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole concept of “tough love,” or “brutal honesty.”  I’ve always kind of viewed it as an excuse for your friends and loved ones to say obnoxious and hurtful things to you, under the guise of “caring” and “concern.”

Call me crazy.  But when I’m feeling blue, I’d much prefer my friends to lie to me about how awesome I am, and how great everything is going to turn out, even if I know, deep down, that they are just blowing smoke up my ass.

Given my opinion on this subject, I found myself 100% relating to Rachel’s frustration with Finn’s idea of “giving her space” . . .

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. . . and her annoyance with Cassie July’s notion of “student motivation” . . .

I also wasn’t necessarily on board with Sue Sylvester’s “brilliant” idea to kick Brittany off the Cheerios squad for failing ONE test during her second senior year, considering that Girlfriend has most likely failed EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TEST she has ever taken since kindergarten . . .

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You would think (given her own family history) that if anyone should understand that Brittany’s learning problems go way beyond laziness, and a much-too-tight high ponytail constricting blood flow to her brain, it would be Sue Sylvester.

But . . . as it turns out . . . not-so-much . . .

And yet, Brittany and Rachel aren’t the characters I’m most concerned about right now on Glee.  You know who’s worrying me most?  THIS GUY . . .

What’s going on with you, Lord Tubbington?  Suddenly, you’re self-medicating?

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(Somehow, I don’t think she’s talking about cigarettes . . .)

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And hanging out with a “bad crowd?”

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Now, you can’t tell me these aren’t loud meows for help!  In other tough love news . . .

They are sexy, and they know it!

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In true Glee fashion, Unique and Tina use a song to gently break the news to new girl, Marley, that new boy, Jake, is probably “just not that into her,” because he’s already been inside everyone else, if you catch my drift . . .

Musically, the number wasn’t one of my favorites.  However, I did enjoy the choreography, and the way Jake’s Army of Scorned Females grew throughout the song, until the triumphant finale, in which they filled an ENTIRE GYM!  Now, that’s impressive!  Be honest, Puck . . . you’re just a little bit proud of your baby bro for that one . . .

Speaking of Puck, guess who flew all the way in from LA, just to have a two-minute conversation with his baby long lost brother?  (Guess his Pool Cleaning Business has a Frequent Flyer Program?)  In what was probably the most random scene in the entire episode, the Sexy Mohawk-wearing Man convinced his Mini-Me to join Glee club, simply by revealing that he (Puck) had engaged in his first threesome at the ripe old age of seven . . . wait . . . WHAT?

Yeah, it didn’t make any sense at all, and . . . to be honest . . . was a bit disturbing.  But hey, the guy still looks gooood .  . .

You can clean MY pool anytime, Puckerman . . .

Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, how about a gay man singing this to a lesbian . . .

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I know . . . I know . . . Brittany is technically bisexual.  But still, it was a little weird.  And yet, not quite as weird as a SUPER religious Christian guy singing about “threesomes” and “living in sin,” without adding the words “will get you a first class ticket to HELL,” to the end of the song.

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That said, of all the Britney covers in this episode, “3” was probably my favorite.

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One of viewers’ main complaints about the first Britney tribute episode, was that each of the songs featured was little more than a color-by-numbers cover performance . . . the sound, the costumes, the dance moves . . . each performance came off like a less vibrant copy of the original Britney Spears music video on which it was based.  This time around, Glee seemed to take that criticism to heart, gamely reinterpreting Britney’s iconic (and some less-than-iconic) songs through mash-ups, different interpretations of the lyrics, and, in this case . . . actually going acoustic.

I don’t know about you guys, but I actually like this version of “3” better than the original . . .

Since we are on the subject of sex, it seems a certain dance teacher doesn’t think Rachel is sexy enough to dance the tango . . .

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NO ONE calls THE RACHEL BERRY un-sexy . . .especially not a has-been, whose Broadway career ended ten years ago, because she made an ass of herself on YouTube . . .

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So, Rachel does what any of us would do in this situation.  She hires her hot older friend . . .

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 . . .to perform a “dance number” with her, that basically involves her grabbing her crotch a lot, while said “hot older friend” repeatedly paws at her boobs and straddles her.

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Oh Rachel, you naughty minx!  No wonder you’ve got your dance teacher suddenly asking you to help her with her “stretching exercises” . . .

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 . . . and your “hot older friend,” giving you orchids and getting a massive boner thinking about kissing you, every time he sees you . . .

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Uh oh Finn!  It looks like someone might want to reconsider that whole “space” thing, if HE doesn’t want to end up being permanently replaced . . . both on that stupid painted-over apartment wall (Seriously?  Who does that?) and in Rachel’s heart . . .

Elsewhere in Love Triangle Land . . .

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They’ve only known one another for two episodes.  And yet, when it comes to Olympic Eye F*&king, Jake and Marley are already gold medalists . . .

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She looks great in his leather jacket!  And they make beautiful Britney Spears / Aerosmith mash-ups together!

It’s a match made in TV Shipper Heaven!  Except . . . welllll . . . there’s one teeny tiny problem.  Stop me if you’ve heard this one before . . .

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BAD KITTY!  You’ve gone and made this storyline even more of a cliche!  No toy mice for you!

Why don’t you go join Lord Tubbington’s gang, and leave Jarley alone?

But wait!  Isn’t this episode supposed to be about Brittany?

You’re right!  I almost forgot!  So many subplots, so little time . . .

Anywhoo . . . when we last left Brittany, she had just been kicked off the Cheerios, leaving her not only without a high ponytail, but also without any clothing.  (You know . . . since all cheerleaders have only one item of clothing their closet . . . their uniform . . . which they wear to school every day . . . and, sometimes, even on weekends.)

Fortunately for Brit-Brit, someone’s fat grandma likes to hang out at McKinley High, where she, occasionally performs strip teases for fun.  This stroke of luck allowed Brittany access to this super fashionable t-shirt, which she plucked out of the Lost and Found . . .

Also in the Lost and Found? A razor . . .

 . . . and a rather large green umbrella . . . perfect for beating the crap out of one Jacob Ben Israel in the hallway, and NOT getting suspended for it . . . you know . . . like Santana did, for lightly tapping Golden Boy Finn on the face for OUTING HER TO THE ENTIRE TOWN, last season

Deserves a hug . . .

Deserves EXPULSION!

Interestingly enough, none of these actions . . . not wearing Fat Grandma Clothes . . . nor carrying deadly weapons to school . . . nor brutally beating her classmates with rain gear . . . were considered loud enough cries of help from Brittany to get the attention she so direly deserved.

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No . . . for Brittany to earn the help of one William Schuester, she had to do something far worse.  She had to LIP SYNC!

OH THE HUMANITY!  Brittany has gone TOO FAR now!  SHE MUST BE STOPPED!  It’s time to take drastic measures.  It’s time to SEND IN  . . . THE OTHER BLONDE  . . .

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Don’t worry, Brit-Brit!  Sam understands your pain.  He doesn’t know how to spell either . . .

Together you two beautifully unintellectual people will stage a Britney Spears-inspired comeback like the world has never known . . . one President Mistaken for an Oscar-Award Winning Actress at a time . . .

Worry not, my fellow Gleeks!  Spearsylvania shall be SAVED!

And that’s what you missed on Glee!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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13 Things I Learned from Pretty Little Liars’ “Blood is the New Black”

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Hey, my Pretties!  Yes, yes, I know, I’m late.

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But don’t you worry.  This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. 😉

(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care?  Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.

You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift .  . . like, for example,  a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .

(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?

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(3) Planning a trip to your local insane asylum?

Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt.  You what you should NOT bring?  Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!

[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events.  What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies?  Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED?  Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy?  Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint?  So many questions . . .]

(4) “Ambiguous loss.”

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It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . .  .

.  . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .

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(5) I might be persuaded to check myself into a mental hospital, if THIS was my Doctor Feel Good . . .

(6) When you are feeling super stressed .  . .

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 . . .  and your ABS-TASTIC boyfriend offers to give you a sexy back massage . . .

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 . . . don’t be selfish!

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Tell him, he has to take off his shirt, so we ALL can get some enjoyment out of this . . .

(7) Before trashing your dad’s office to wreak vengeance on the hussy he’s screwing behind your mom’s back . . .

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 . . .  all because of some ugly earring in his couch cushion that your sociopath friend TOTALLY planted there, because SHE was probably secretly banging your dad too . . .

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 . . .  you might want to make sure they are ACTUALLY HER EARRINGS’, first . . . (Maybe your dad wears earrings sometimes, Aria.  Ever think of that?)

(8) When pretending to be blind as part of an elaborately ridiculous scheme to ruin the lives of some of your high school classmates . .

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 . . .  the PUBLIC RESTROOM,where said classmates spend NEARLY ALL OF THEIR TIME . . .

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 . .   is probably not the place to start . . . you know . . . acting like you SEE . . . and stuff . . .

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[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.

 Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]

(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?

Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test.  First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.

 Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.

And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .

[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now.  This ought to be interesting.]

(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area.  Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?

And finally . . .

(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him.  I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .

(12) This guy?

A TOTAL KEEPER.

And finally . . .

(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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“I’ll have what he’s having!” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “A Dangerous Maid”

[I know I posted them out of order, this time.  But you can still find the Gossip Girl Recap for “The Jewel of Denial,” HERE.]

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And in that moment, Larry the Flying Lobster beat out Sebastian from The Little Mermaid for the honor of Best Performance by a Crustacean in a Film or Television Production.

Jealousy and regret.  We’ve all experienced both, at one time or another.  It’s easy to look at someone else’s life, and covet that which isn’t yours.  And it’s just as easy to look back at the past, longing for a time when things were simpler, and less complicated.  This week’s episode of Boardwalk Empire finds all of our characters feeling, in some way or another, uncomfortable in their own skins . . . or, in Commodore’s case, in his own Loberster Thermidor-covered lap . . .

“Why is there a claw in my crotch?” 

Let’s review, shall we?

(Special thanks to rawrcaps.net for the screencaps you see here.)

Nelson Van Alden: A Real Fun Guy

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist. 

Our tale begins in a creepy boarding house, where Crazy Pants Van Alden is scraping butter onto his toast, and looking out a dingy, dust-filled window onto the world.  In waddles a SUPER pregnant Lucy to announce, in her bizarro voice, which sounds like a cross between Wall-E and Miss Piggy, that “It is kicking again.”

“I think it’s the baby, but it could just be a really nasty case of crabs . . .” 

A clearly aggravated Nelson is quick to remind Lucy that “it” is actually a baby.  But, honestly, I can understand Lucy’s confusion.  I mean, any living being spawned from Crazy Pants and Madame Sluts-a-Lot has an exceptionally good chance of being born with fangs or a tail.

The future Baby Van Alden 

Last week, we learned that Lucy was hanging around the boarding house, and Nelson was paying her.  However, this week, we got to dig a bit deeper into the happy couple’s “business agreement.”  Apparently, Nelson is paying Lucy a “salary,” to stay in the boarding house, and not leave it, until their little demon baby is born.  Once she’s given birth, Lucy is free to return to her so-called “normal” life.

Of course, this begs the question of what will happen TO THE BABY.  Will Nelson give it up for adoption?  Will he bring it back to HIS wife, and claim that he adopted it for HER?  One thing is for sure, Nelson definitely isn’t going to want Lucipoo to have anything to do with the kid, once it’s wrenched from her alcohol and cigarette-scented uterus . . .

Lucy is understandably feeling a bit stifled by her new living arrangement.  After all, not too long ago she was Nucky’s #1 whore!  She wore fancy dresses, partied seven days a week, and had lots and lots of undoubtedly unappetizing looking sex with THIS GUY .  . .

Now, she’s stuck effectively living under house arrest (not unlike a puppy who hasn’t yet been potty trained and is, therefore, forced to do its business on a stack of old newspapers).

Lucy tells Nelson this, in no uncertain terms, remarking, by way of example, that she can’t even listen to music, because, unlike the neighbors, she and Nelson don’t even have a victrola in the house.  Nelson doesn’t know what a vitrola is . . . probably because it’s not mentioned in the bible . . .

Nonetheless, Crazy Pants Van Alden HATES the idea of being compared negatively with his adversary Nucky.  After all, Mrs. Van Alden lives EXACTLY like this.   And Nelson never hears complaints from her! Lucy is clearly just spoiled with all her crazy notions of, you know, actually LEAVING THE HOUSE, and stuff .  . .

“You better behave, or I’ll baptize you.  (And we all know what happened to the last guy I baptized . . .)” 

“Between ordering murders, and rigging elections, I’m sure [Nucky] showed you a real good time, ” scoffs Nelson sarcastically.

“Say what you will about Nucky, but at least he has a really big weiner was FUN!” Lucy pouts.

Honestly, Lucy’s got a point there.  With a name that looks and sounds so much like “nookie,” how could you be anything BUT FUN?

See?  This guy’s a BLAST! 

Speaking of fun, Lucy’s pal, Eddie Cantor — who is based on a real-life comedian, and Broadway performer, who was probably way too cool to actually hang out with a weirdo like Lucy –is his OWN party!

“Oh, Lucy!  You and I are going to have so much fun (once I used the restroom . . . I have to piss, like a racehorse).” 

He pops by the boarding house with a bottle of booze (As if this baby’s life, wasn’t ALREADY guaranteed to suck, let’s give him an alcohol problem, and possible congenital disease), some hilariously exaggerated facial expressions, and a real snoozer of a play entitled “A Dangerous Maid.”

My new favorite couple on this show . . . 

Lucy complains to her pal about wanting a man who wants her for more than just “makin’ whoopie.”

(The fact that Mr. Cantor didn’t bust into hysterical laughter, upon hearing this, makes him a WAY better person than I am.)

Later, Nelson comes home, and is shocked to find Lucy “rehearsing” for “A Dangerous Maid” in front of the bedroom mirror.  “You wish to perform in this spectacle?” He inquires, which causes Lucy to pout and mug at the camera a bit (a.k.a. her only workable facial expression).

Nelson actually tries reading the play out loud with her for a few minutes, before losing his temper, and tossing it at her.  Clearly, their little baby-making arrangement did not involve momentarily pretending you didn’t look 8.5 months pregnant and could actually star in a play!  How dare Lucy do such a thing!

But Lucy has gotten through to Nelson more than she knows.  While at work, Nelson asks a co-worker?  “Do you think I’m fun?”

The fact that THIS co-worker also did not laugh in Nelson’s face makes HIM a way better person than I am.  (Man, I must truly suck as a human).

Meanwhile, back at the boarding house, Lucy is crying over her naked massively pregnant body in the mirror.  Because, heaven forbid we go through an episode where Lucy doesn’t get naked at least once.  She even goes as far as to try to throw herself down the stairs . .  . either to lose the baby, or commit suicide, not quite sure which.

“Don’t worry, I’m not trying to kill myself.  I’m just teaching myself how to fly.” 

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your particular thoughts about Lucy), Lucipoo’s epic Stair Dive is interrupted by a delivery person, bearing a gift from Nelson, or, more accurately, the fake name Nelson is living in the boarding house under.  It’s . . . wait for it . .  a victrola.  He comes home later to find Lucy listening to the victrola, and happily dancing around the house, as if she is giving the furniture a lap dance.  (Just like Old Times!)

“I’m a GREAT dancer!  I can pat my head, and rub my belly AT THE SAME TIME!” 

Nelson’s face, upon seeing this spectacle is inscrutable.  Is he overtaken with feelings of love, and pride, for this strange woman carrying her child?  Is he aroused by her naked body?  Confused as to why anyone would enjoy music that couldn’t be found in a hymn book?  Relieved that he has successfully prevented his Baby Maker from escaping with the child?  Perhaps, he is a little of all of these things . . .

Then again, maybe he’s just really, really constipated . . .

Speaking of poker faces . . .

Who is Peggy Rowland Margaret Schroeder

 . . . aside from someone who can really hold her liquor . . . 

Margaret continues on her quest to be the dutiful not-wife to Nucky, during his hour of need.  Concerned about their finances, Margaret returns some of the fancy jewelry Nucky bought her, despite the latters repeated (though not very believable) protests that “everything is going to be fine.”

“Hang on to the jewelry, now.  We may need to sell it on the streets, later, when we are poor and destitute . . .along with your body.” 

Of course, Margaret has more to worry about than just Nucky’s continued financial health.  A letter has arrived at her home from a local detective agency.  As it turns out, the agency has tracked down Margaret’s family in Ireland, and they have since emigrated to nearby Brookyln.

Margaret reluctantly reveals this fact to Nucky, when he finds her flipping through their photographs in bed.  He is suprisingly kind and supportive of Margaret’s discovery, and even encourages her to arrange for a family reunion.   “We didn’t leave on the best of terms,” Margaret admits.

“Golly gee, Boss!  This is fun!  Who do we get to prank call, tomorrow?”

Later in the episode, Margaret commandeers her busy little maid, Katie (she of the crappy coats), from last week’s episode, to call the house where Margaret is staying, and ask for Peggy Rowland.  When she does, Katey is informed that “Peggy,” died twelve years ago.  Margaret copes with this discovery, by crying by herself in her bedroom.  The outburst does not go unnoticed by an increasingly suspicious Katey.

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Later Margaret makes the odd choice of trying to “revisit her roots,” by trying to hang out with the maid staff, while they are drinking booze and gossiping down in the kitchen.  Perhaps, she feels this will help her to assauge the guilt about her own family.  She tells the girls to call her Margaret, and pour her a shot.  However, drinking with Margaret, feels to the girls a bit like drinking with their boss . . . or their own mother.  And so, the fun in the room, quickly, and humiliatingly dies.

MARGARET:  “Ladies, I was thinking of playing a rollicking game of strip poker.  What do you say?”

KATIE: “If we say no, do we get fired?” 

Margaret’s attempts at closeness, however, do strike a chord with Katie, who stops her on the staircase, at the end of the episode, to confirm a suspicion she has, “YOU’RE Peggy Rowland, aren’t you?”

“The minute I get upstairs, I am SO unfriending you on Facebook.” 

Well, so much for being friends with the help!  Margaret metaphorically shuts the door on a friendship with the maid, by coldly shooing her away.  However, based upon her sudden change in demeanor, we can tell that what Katie said was absolutely true.  Margaret had, for some reason, changed her name from Peggy Rowland, when she left the states.  And, because of that, her family either THINKS she’s dead, or is behaving as if she is dead, out of resentment.  Either way, it is quite a blow to Margaret, and pretty much makes her the “Don Draper,” of Boardwalk Empire . . .

Oh, how I miss you, Don Draper! 

Al C. and Jimmy Irish: Reunited and it feels so good!

Al Capone is BACK AT THE BOARDWALK!!!!

And he’s got a special message to deliver to Nucky Thompson on behalf of Joe Torrio:  Chicago and New York are no longer in the liquor business together.  This is because Chicago is now in business with Some Annoying Dude from Pittsburgh Who Refer to Himself in the Third Person.  Nucky is extremely insulted that Torrio sent his emissary, as opposed to delivering this information by himself.  And he tells Capone as much.

“You ditched me for someone who refers to themselves in the third person!  People who do that don’t deserve to LIVE!” 

Nonetheless, Nucky IS curious, given his recent struggles, with the business, how,his counterparts are fairing in other cities, “How is Torrio handling the competition?”  Nucky inquires, as Capone prepares to leave.

“We’re killing ’em,” Capone replies with a wry smile.  (Well, that IS one way to get rid of them . .  .)

But politics and platitudes never much interested Capone.  He’s much more interested in his bromantic buddy Jimmy Irish, a.k.a. Jimmy Darmody.  “You’ll have to ask him, himself,” Nucky replies coldly.

So, Capone DOES!  The next time we see the inimitable Capone he is in Jimmy’s living room, charming Jimmy’s wife and son in the way only he can.

“Hey little guy!  Want me to tell you a story?  It’s all about this guy I whacked, back in Chicago . . .”

When Jimmy returns home, the two share a drink and catch up on where their respective storylines have taken them, since they last saw one another.  Both men are moving up the ranks, in their respective crime families, Jimmy due to his father’s greed, and his cunning, and Al, due to his strength, and seamless ability to whack the competition, without experiencing an ounce of guilt.  Case in point, when Jimmy tries to explain to Al the political coup he, the Commodore are planning, to oust Nucky, Capone is mystified.  The whole thing just seems like so much unnecessary work!  “Why don’t you just have Frankenstein here, put a bullet in his head?”  Capone asks, motioning to Harrow, who has been silently listening to this conversation the entire time.

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Meh . . . I don’t really see a resemblance.

“I won’t do that,” replies Harrow sternly.  (Wow .  . . it looks like our Family Coveting SUPER Hitman has gone and developed some scruples.  This can’t be good!)

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(All together now . . . AWWWWW!)

When Jimmy rushes to the living room floor to cuddle his son, and help him tie his shoes, both Capone and Harrow watch him with matching looks of envy, Harrow, because he has no wife and kids, and Capone, because his son is deaf, and therefore, can’t converse with him, like Jimmy’s can.  Harrow breaks the awkward ice by asking after that “lovely prostitute,” Odette, that took his virginity last season.  “She’s a WHORE,” Capone replies.  (I guess he’s not real big on “small talk.”)

“That’s the last straw.  I’m totally taking Al Capone out of my Family Scrapbook!  No one calls my prostitute girlfriend, a prostitute, and gets away with it!” 

Later, we see Jimmy getting a manicure from Mama “Kiss His Little Winky” Darmody.  Jimmy muses to her about Al Capone’s late father, who was a barber, and wonders whether he might have been meant for a simpler life.  Mama clearly sees her son as someone who’s Little Winky is destined to explore hot women for great things.  And she’s more than happy to be the woman behind that Winky . . . well, aside from HIS WIFE, of course.

“I do hope you’re treating your little winky, better than you are treating these nail beds.  Mind if I check?” 

It’s evident in this scene that Jimmy is already beginning to question his allegiance to the Commodore, who his mother used to call “The Lech.”  When questioned about this, Mama notes that forgiveness is a virtue.  And this undoubtedly causes Jimmy to wonder why he should be forgiving COMMODORE and not Nucky, who effectively raised him, while Commodore was out exploring his “other interests.”

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It kind of makes me wonder whether Jimmy will ultimately decide to return to Nucky, even if it means giving up the opportunity to ascend to power.  And if he does make this decision, will he be able to do so, before it is too late . . .

Speaking of paying one’s dues to one’s elders .  . .

Making the Cheshire Cat Frown

Oh no!  Why so serious, Meyer? 

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Ahhh . . . that’s better.

Lucky and Meyer are sitting down to a very uncomfortable dinner with Arnold Rothstein and Mr. Mazzeria, the Lower East Side Crime boss, who’s henchmen’s throat’s Jimmy slit last week.  Mr. Mazzeria is clearly pissed about this, especially considering that it happened on, what he considered to be his turf.  Apparently, Mazzeria is well aware of the card game Lucky and Meyer run, fairly close to where his men were killed.  Rothstein, ever the businessman, offers to make amends, by having Lucky and Meyer pay a lump sum to Mazzeria for the two victims families, as well as 10% of their card game wins, going forward.

Lucky is furious and moves to protest, but is quickly silenced by Rothstein, and the more cool-headed Meyer.  As he is leaving, Mazzeria notes in Italian to Lucky that he should be working with a fellow  Italian, like HIM, as opposed to two Jewish men.  Lucky seethes at this, but does not respond.  With Mazzeria out of the picture, Lucky turns to Rothstein out of sheer frustration.  “We already give 50% of our earnings from that game to you!”  He complains.

“And now you know why,” Rothstein says coolly.

Do you smell a rebellion?  Because I think I smell a rebellion . . .

Since we’re on the subject of rebellion . . .

A Face Not Even a Father Could Love . . .

“If I just move that pillow ever-so-slightly over his face, and press down really hard, no one will ever know . . .” 

Oh, Eli!  Poor sniveling Eli!  All he wants to do is FINALLY wear the Big Boy Pants, and step outside of his older brother’s shadow.  But while Eli is taking car of his senile, emaciated father, who is staying in his house, the only name on that man’s lips is Nucky.  “How can they do that to him?  You have to help your brother,” says Papa Thompson, looking frantically into Eli’s eyes at the newspaper detailing the election fraud charges recently lodged against Nucky by Eli, himself, among others.

Is it just me, or does Nucky look kind of hot in this picture?  It’s just me?  Yeah . . . I thought so . . . 

But then Papa, in his senility begins to believe he’s talking to Nucky.  “You have to help ELI, he’s not like you.  He’s weak and has no sense,” Eli’s father says . . . or something to that effect.

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up . . . oops . . . wrong line.” 

OUCH!  When you’re 80-something year old dad thinks your a loser, you’ve REALLY got problems.  It looks like Eli won’t be stepping into those Big Boy Pants anytime soon . . .

Speaking of surrogate sons .   . .

Jimmy Darmody 2.0

“I’m pretty sure I just fell in love with you . . .” 

So, remember that cute Irish guy from last week named Owen Sleater?  Well, it turns out he’s a lot more ambitious than his baby face would suggest.  Having landed a job at nearby casino, thanks to Nucky. Owen overhears the alderman nagging his boss for being short on Nucky’s “take” of the profits.  The boss gripes that, since he’s not getting any liquor, and drunks gamble more, and LOSE more, he’s suffering from a serious case of the Myfundsarelow Disease.  Sleater puts two and two together, and realizes that Nucky hasn’t been able to deliver his liquor to his patrons, because SOMEONE has been intercepting it at the shore, in order to sell their own.  *cough Commodore cough*

“Wow, Nucky, your desk is a mess.  I don’t think that woman, Katie, you hired as a maid, does a good job cleaning up around here.  Would you like me to spank her?  Because I would very much like to spank her . . . among other things.” 

Sleater sees this as an opportunity and quickly goes to see Nucky about it.  Sleater tells Nucky that he’s good at “making people stop doing things that other people don’t want them to do.”  It’s a bold move for someone who’s still clearly at the bottom of the food chain to make.  And Nucky seems equal parts intrigued, amused, and skeptical of the offer, which he neither accepts or rejects outright.

“Hmm . . . well, you’re definitely young and hot, like Jimmy is, but I’m not quite sure you really have what it takes.  Let me see your Little Winky, so I can know for sure.” 

However, later, back at the casino, Owen gets the opportunity to exhibit his skill, when he stops the Commodore’s liquor delivery to the casino, and ends up in an at gunpoint standoff with none other than Richard Harrow.  The two regard eachother as equals, with a matching twinkle in their eyes, and neither of them pulls the trigger.  “Why didn’t you shoot me?” Owen asks, a valid question, but also a REALLY stupid one, if you think about it.

“Would this be a bad time for me to ask you whether you have a Twitter account?” 

“I may yet,” says Richard, with a half grin, before exiting stage left, with his unloaded liquor.

Needless to say Owen’s boss isn’t going to be too happy with him, when he learns that his casino will be forced to, once again, stay dry, as a result of his new employees scare tactic.  But Owen is betting on the fact that Nucky will be take notice of what he did, and be pleased.  After all, he does seem to be in the market for a Jimmy 2.0 . . .

As for Jimmy 1.0 . . .

My Two Dads

JIMMY:  “Mmm . . . you smell nice, have you purchased a new cologne, since I betrayed you?”

NUCKY: “Why, yes, it’s called Eau De I’m Going to Kick Your Ass.” 

After spending some time in the pokey, and some more time in self-imposed exhile, Nucky seems super excited to have a night on the town with Margaret, his sole remaining political ally, Mayor Bader, and the Mayor’s wife.  The two couples head to their favorite nighttime spot, Babette’s only to find that their usual table is being occupied by, you guessed it, the Commodore, Jimmy D, and some Senator the pair are trying to butter up.  Nucky seethes, but says nothing, that is . . . until it comes time for the foursome to order their meals.

Margaret makes the HUGE mistake of ordering lobster thermidor.  This prompts the waiter to inform her that the last lobster was just sold.  Cut to Nucky’s eyes honing in on the Commodore, who is currently shoving a HUGE LUMP OF LOBSTER in his fat mustachioed mouth.

“Mmmmmm . . .  LOBSTER  . . . DELICIOUSSSSS!” 

“Hey!  You spit that out!  That lobster belongs to my lady!”

I think this is the first time in a LONG TIME, where we really see Nucky lose it.  He stomps over to the Commodore’s table, and hilariously flips that lobster plate, sending it flying across the table.  Quite frankly, it’s AWESOME!

“Weeeeeeeeeeeee!  I’m flyinggggggggg!” 

But Nucky’s not finished.  “I will ruin you,” he says determinedly.  “ALL OF YOU,” he concludes with a glare at Jimmy.

A bit embarrassed, and not sure how to respond, Jimmy stays silent . . . for now.  So, Nucky focuses his ire on Commodore, who chastizes him for acting like a child.  “You’re an expert on children,” he replies brilliantly.

(Ooh, that was a good one.)

But things get REALLY intense, when Nucky tells Jimmy that the Commodore didn’t even ask for his mother’s NAME, before he slept with her.  Instead, he just pointed to her, and said, “That one.”

Jimmy rises to his feet, and the two erstwhile comrades in crime, are now eyeing eachother with hatred and accusation.  It is the Commodore, who eventually prevents Jimmy from getting physical with Nucky.

“I want my daddy . . .*sniffle*” 

Later that night, when Jimmy is alone in his kitchen, we see the emotional and physical toll this evening has taken on him.  He is half asleep with drunkenness, and his head is heavy with sadness and regret.  Jimmy’s wife enters the room, and, seeing the state her husband is in, offers him a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he accepts gratefully.  “How was dinner with your father?”  She inquires.

“Which one?”  He replies glumly .  . .

You know, a lot of commenters have griped about Michael Pitt’s performance as Jimmy.  They’ve claimed it to be wooden, and uninteresting.  Now, maybe it’s just because I’m insanely attracted to the actor, but I have to respectfully disagree.  I love the understated way Pitt addresses this role.  The character of Jimmy Darmody is at a crossroads.  He can become a hardened criminal, a slimy politician, or a true hero . . . right now, any of these titles is ripe for the taking.  And, quite frankly, he’s not sure which one he wants.

To me, that’s what makes Jimmy SO interesting.  He always seems to be calculating his next move, and you just never know which version of him, you are going to get, at any particular moment.  It’s exciting . . . and sexy.

“Whatever, Recapper . . . you’re just saying that because you want to jump his bones.”

(Yeah . . . probably) 

OK . . . I’m off my soapbox now, and done with my recap.  So, what did you think of “The Dangerous Maid?”  Has it turned you off to lobster thermidor for good, or are you hungry for more?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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L’eggo My Eggo (I’m Preggo!) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Beauty and the Feast”

BLAIR: “Pull my finger.”

DOROTA: “Just because you are ‘with child,’ doesn’t mean you have to act like one, Miss Blair.”

BLAIR: *pouts*

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  I don’t know about you, but I learned A LOT from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl . . . Let’s see, I learned about a  “disease” called “conversion disorder,” which apparently makes you jump from rooftops, crash motorcycles, and pay guys to beat you up.

In other words, it turns you into Bella Swan, circa New Moon 

I learned that there are actually people who are more than willing to beat you up for cash (it’s a recession economy, after all).  And I learned the difference between bulimic puking and pregnancy puking.  And you just never know when these things are going to come in handy!

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Thanks Gossip Girl!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Friends don’t let friends . . . have tender boobs.

“Is this going to involve us getting into stirrups?  Because my Brazilian Wax isn’t until next week. . .” 

Your first gynecological pregnancy check-up . . . it’s a Right of Passage . . . or at least, that’s what I’m told.  As such, many women prefer not to experience it alone.  Some drag their husbands along, others their friends, still others, their mothers.  Dorota brings her boss, which is probably why she felt obligated to wear her uniform to the checkup, complete with that weird doily thing she always wears on her head.

“Is that my sanitary napkin on your head?” 

(Seriously, what IS that?  And what sort of function does it have in the complex world of housekeeping?  I mean, it’s not large enough to be a hairnet, and not circular enough to be a scrunchie.  So, what does it DO for Dorota, aside from make her look ridiculous cute.  Inquiring minds want to know . . .)

“Have you reviewed this doctor’s credentials, Dorota?  Because I’m pretty sure I saw him recently on an episode of Law and Order, SVU.” 

When the doctor arrives, Blair peppers the poor schlub with TONS of icky personal questions about “Dorota’s” pregnancy symptoms, including, but not limited to, her breast tenderness (gag), her morning sickness (double gag), her sensitivity to smells (ick), and her fatigue . . . (Well, OK, I can live with that).  Of course, it’s not until Blair inquires about how long “Dorota” must wait to be able to determine the father of her baby, that both the housekeeper and the doctor, become suspicious.

“Actually, I am not suspicious.  This is just my usual facial expression.” 

The doctor got so suspicious in fact, that he LEFT, instructing Dorota to come back another time, ALONE.  (Really, Doctor?  You got scared off by someone asking you a couple of sensitive questions?  Talk about a lack of bedside manner!   Perhaps, you received your medical degree online?)

Since the happily married Dorota is damn near certain about the paternity of her baby (Then again, you never know with those saucy Russian Maids Perpetually Dressed in French Maid Halloween Costumes), she puts two and two together, and figures out that her little Blair-ipoo is, in fact, with child.

Yeah . . . I just really love this GIF. 

Dorota is THRILLED by the prospect of being able to share the “wonders of pregnancy” with her boss / friend / surrogate daughter.  “We are like sisters now,” she exclaims, downgrading that to cousins, upon noticing Blair’s horrified response.

“Right . . . sisters . . . like I would really be related to someone who willingly wears toilet paper on her head.” 

Unfortunately, Blair is not exactly ready to share Dorota’s excitement about her upcoming Baby Bass bundle of joy.  For one thing, she’s neither married, nor out of college yet . . . for another . . . duh .  . . she DOESN”T KNOW WHO THE DADDY IS!  CHUCK!  CHUCK!  IT HAS TO BE CHUCK’S!

“No one must know,” Blair warns Dorota, as she makes the first of her trademark I’m Going to Hurl Faces, of which we get different variations throughout the episode.

You can practically FEEL the chunks rising.  Now THAT’s good acting! 

You know what else I loved about this scene?  The fact that the song “Pumped Up Kicks” was playing during it . . . a song that sounds all sweet and innocent, but when you listen to the lyrics is actually about a psycho kid on a killing spree.  How VERY appropriate for this “sweet” gyneological moment between a girl and her maid . . .

Elsewhere, on the Upper East Side . . .

Slutty Cougars are Better than Viagra (AND they can get you a job!)

“And if you are a really good lay, Ill take your for a Happy Meal at McDonald’s, when we’re finished.”

Ahhh  . . . Nate.  For a guy who’s had more Random Guest Star Girlfriends than any male character on the entire CW network, he SURE does fall hard and fast for the floozies, doesn’t he?  All it takes is a couple of LA sex romps with the mysterious “Diana,” and suddenly Nate can’t get it up for ANY OTHER ANONYMOUS FLOOZIES!  (Oh the horror!)

You know what they say, once you go OLD, you never go back . . . (OLD-ER!  I meant old-er, I swear!) 

This becomes immediately apparent when ONE of these random floozies dashes out of Nate’s bed, complaining about “guys on anti-depressants.”  And you know what “anti-depressants” tend to do to Mr. Happy, don’t you, boys and girls?

That’s right!

I have to say, I think Chuck had a point when he said that Nate’s apparent Mommy Issues, tend to manifest themselves in him becoming obsessed with sexual partners who are old enough to be his mother.  (Well, when you put it THAT way, it just sounds gross..)  I’m not necessarily sure this explains his tendency to date scheming stalkerish psychopaths, however.

Any thoughts?

Nate spends a good portion of this episode (as in about four-and-a-half minutes of his total eight minutes of screentime) trying to find out any information he can about his mysterious Mrs. Robinson-type.  But then, (SURPRISE!) she finds him.  No . . . really . . . I mean she stalks him all the way from LA to right in front of his mother’s doorstep, in the Upper East Side.

NATE: “Where have you been all my life?”

DIANA: “Well, around the time you were born, I was probably getting felt up behind the bar at a frat party.  After that, it’s all pretty much one big blur.”

Apparently, “Diana” has some business agenda.  She manages The Spectator,  an LA-based tabloid newspaper that she wishes to bring to the East Coast, and, for reasons I couldn’t quite comprehend, needs Nate’s mother’s approval, in order to do it.  Maybe I would have gotten more out of this particular storyline, if I wasn’t so distracted by Nate and “Diana” randomly HAVING SEX UP AGAINST THE ARCHIBALD’S OUTDOOR SECURITY GATE!!!! Way to stay classy, Professional Businesswoman Person!

This is one of those times when I kind of wish Gossip Girl was on HBO.  Because I bet Chace Crawford’s ASS (among other things) is OUTSTANDING! 

Nevertheless, Nate somehow manages to secure “Diana” his mother’s backing, by telling her what a great lay she is, perhaps.  And “Diana” returns the favor, by offering Nate an internship at her crappy tabloid professional newspaper, as opposed to the plum, GUARANTEED CAREER- MAKING internships with Goldman Sachs, etc., that were originally offered to Nate.

“I major in Cougar Studies, with a minor in Pot Brownie Baking.” 

It must be nice to think with your weiner all the time be so friggin wealthy that little things like one’s future career path mean nothing in comparison to sexual opportunities with women almost over child-bearing age.  (Because, hey, at least pregnancy isn’t as substantial a possibility? Right?  Chuck Bass, take note! ;))

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Meanwhile, on the opposite coast . . . .

“Call Me Serena, “Ivy/Charlie = The WORST Waitress, Girlfriend, Cousin, and Roommate EVER  (But at least she’s consistent!)

“I also dress like that chick from the show Blossom.”

So, here’s the thing.  I’m a little worried about Serena.  (What else is new, right?)  But wait . . .  it’s not necessarily for the reason you would expect.  On one hand, I LIKE New, Perky, Optimistic, Non-Boy Obsessed, Job-Oriented Serena.

“Holding important looking folders is a tough job, but somebody has to do it.” 

In fact, I probably like her more than I’ve liked ANY incarnation of Serena since Season 1.  It’s just that . . . I think she might suffer from a brain disorder . . .  specifically, whatever Drew Barrymore had in 50 First Dates .  .  .

Serena HAS to be suffering from some kind of selective amnesia!  How else could she exist on this show for FIVE SEASONS, and not have learned by now that you can NEVER, EVER trust the pretty Guest Star!  Heck, this isn’t even a NEW Guest Star!  “Call Me Serena” Ivy Charlie was a big ole wackadoo the FIRST TIME SHE WAS ON THE SHOW!

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 I mean, sure, chalk it up to the “lack of anti-psychotic medication.”  Tell me that she was “just playing a part for some cash.”  I DON’T CARE!  B*TCH IS OBVIOUSLY CRAZY!  She also wears weird pants.  (And not in a cute, charming or adorable way, either.  More like in a Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Octo-Mom kind of way.)  RUN SERENA!  RUN FAR AND FAST!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s start at Ivy continuing to pretend to be Serena’s cousin, while the pair, frolic around LA.  Nevermind the fact that Ivy’s adorable live-in, wanna-be chef boyfriend just followed her to LA, so she could pursue her “acting dreams,” and has no idea what a scheming little wench he is dating .  . . Nevermind the fact that Ivy left her new JOB as a waitress to play the part of the Trust Fund baby, and will now have no way of paying rent.  Just .  . . well . . . nevermind.

“You and your creepy cotton candy pants, don’t deserve me and my adorableness.” 

Things are going great for “Call Me Serena” Ivy / Charlie until Serena drops the REAL bomb on her.   She’s staying in LA . . . AND looking for an apartment  . . . AND she wants “Charlie” to live with her.

Wait . . . I’m sorry . . . but WHAT THE F*&K?  I get that she’s your relative, Serena.  And I know you feel a bit bad for her, because she didn’t grow up filthy rich like you, and has “mental problems,” but do you not remember that this is the same girl who tried to dress up like you, asked your ex-boyfriend to call her BY YOUR NAME, when he had sex with her, and pretty much went all SINGLE WHITE FEMALE ON YOUR ASS?  This is who you want to live with?  You don’t know anything about this girl, and everything that you know is BAD.

“Oh . . . well, when you put it THAT way.” 

WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH . . . YOU!

Now faux-Charlie (See, I can’t even decide what I’m supposed to call this girl!) REALLY has to tap dance to get out of living with Serena, because Golly GEE she ISN’T really her cousin, doesn’t really have access to the Van Der Woodsen Trust Fund, and is already living with her adorable boyfriend who, as I mentioned, knows NOTHING about this con.   So, faux-Charlie tries her best to find polite reasons why she can’t live with Serena.  But girlfriend simply REFUSES to take no for an answer.

And they think CHUCK has a Death Wish . . . 

Of course, rather than coming clean about NOT being Charlie, faux-Charlie ends up getting dragged into going apartment hunting with Serena.  What’s worse, so as not to hurt Serena’s feelings, and make her think she doesn’t want to be her roommate, faux-Charlie ends up giving the realtor one of “Charlie’s” checks to help cover the downpayment.  (Who knew con-artists were so sensitive to other’s fragile egos?)

Now thoroughly freaked out, faux-Charlie quickly calls the realtor to get back the check, only to learn that it was bad (SURPRISE), and that it was returned to Serena.  (Yeah, because that’s what realtors do when you write bad checks, give them to YOUR FRIENDS, instead of YOU!)

Logical explanations aside, faux-Charlie is SO busted!  At least, that’s what she thinks, which is why she runs to her poor sweet schlub of a boyfriend (his name is Max, by the way), and tells him she is SO done chasing after HER dreams (after two weeks).  It’s high time they started chasing after HIS dreams for a change . . . FAR AWAY in Portland.

“Wait . . . this means I don’t get any more screentime, doesn’t it?  YOU B*TCH!” 

“Max” seems confused by faux-Charlie’s sudden change of heart, but readily agrees to move to Portland, probably because he is SO whipped you can practically see the rope marks on his body through his clothing.  Max then promptly quits his new restaurant job, so that he can start packing.  (You’ve really gotta love the tremendous work ethic these two have!)

Now, faux-Charlie is relieved because she’s actually dumb enough to think that she can run away, without the girl she just screwed over for cash on an apartment, will not realize that she left.  (Then again, given Serena’s obvious amnesia issues, this is actually a distinct possibility.)  But alas, Serena now KNOWS where she lives.  And worse, she is waiting outside her apartment to utter the oh so cliched, pre-commercial break line, “I know what’s going on here.”  (Or something like that . . .)

*insert dramatic music here*  (By the way, is Serena wearing SHOULDER PADS?) 

Of course, us veteran TV watchers know this as code for, “I am COMPLETELY off base as to what is actually going on here.  But I want to make you worry about what I know, throughout the commercial break . . .

Back from commerical break, we finally find out what Serena thinks she knows.  And believe it or not, it’s actually a lot more plausible than the REAL reason faux-Charlie’s check bounced.  Serena thinks her “Charlie’s” mom cut her off from her trust fund for moving to LA.  And so she promises to get faux-Charlie cut back ON.  (Is that a real phrase?  NO?  Well, you get what I mean . . .)  Then, she reiterates her NEED for faux-Charlie to become her roommate.  (Clingy much, S?)

“Can you blame me?  I haven’t had a boyfriend in TWO WHOLE EPISODES?  This is TORTURE!” 

But this was the part that really dusted my doileys!  Faux-Charlie DUMPED her REAL boyfriend to STAY with SERENA, and continue to be her FAKE cousin.  She told him she didn’t love him any more, and sent him packing to Portland ALONE.  I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell for people like that . . .

Oh, and get this, after all that, Serena decided SHE’S NOT STAYING IN LA.  Her production assistant job is being moved . . . you guessed it . . . back to New York!   (SURPRISE!)  And now she wants faux-Charlie to come with her?  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t faux-Charlie claim to be leaving New York because the Upper East Side was what made her fall off her meds in the first place?  (See what I mean, about Serena and her amnesia?)

And, really, how needy are you, that you ask somebody you barely know to travel across the coast to LIVE WITH YOU?  But, of course, faux-Charlie says yes.  Because . . . you know . . . this is Gossip Girl, where everybody does strange and inexplicable things sometimes lives for the moment, and flies by the seat of their pants.  So, faux-Charlie hops in the limo with Serena, and they ride off toward good ole Manhattan, where they will undoubtedly live happily ever after . . . at least until next week’s episode.

Speaking of phony relatives . . . Louis-Bot has a relative who’s a BIG phony.  And (SURPRISE!) she has it in for Blair .  . .

An Entire Plotline Focused on Blair’s VOMIT?  Well, this is NEW!

“If I don’t watch my step, I’ll be forever remembered by the Good People of Monaco as Princess Pukey.” 

You know what I really liked about this storyline?  How real it was .  . .

Of course, I’m not talking about the moving of the Assumption Feast, or the whole prince thing, or really anything about this plotline except for Blair’s morning sickness.  It is so rare that we actually get to see our Non Judging Breakfast Club members (at least the female contingent) of them, when they are not at their best (well .   . . we see them drunk sometimes, but, other than that).

Personally, I thought it was refreshing that Blair looked a bit tired and disheveled throughout the episode.  I like that she made puke faces, any time anybody or anything smelly got anywhere near her.  Because, from what I’ve been told, that’s what women in the early stage of their pregnancy are like!  And as prim, proper, and often perfect Blair may appear, she is, after all, only human (as evidenced by the fact that she’s not entirely certain of the paternity of her baby).

This story begins with Louis-Bot informing Blair that she gets to meet yet another one of his oh-so-charming royal relatives.   This one’s name is Beatrice.  And though she looks about the right age to be Louis-Bot’s sister, she’s actually his aunt.  *cough Change of Life Baby cough*  At first, Beatrice seems nice enough.  She’s way more laid back than the stodgy Princess Sophie, and she has a much wider range of voice inflections than Louis Bot.  Her worst offense seems to be that she wears too much perfume, which, like everything else in the episode, makes Blair want to hurl.

Would you please get that weiner-looking thing out of my face.  THAT’S what got me into this mess in the first place!” 

As nice as she seems, Blair is VERY eager to get rid of Beatrice, and ship her and Louis Bot off to the Feast of Assumption by plane, so that she can get some much needed Pregnant Lady R&R.  But Beatrice insists on spending the day with Blair, during which she regales her with how AWFUL being reigning princess will be for Blair, because she will have to wear lame, non-skin showing outfits.  Beatrice of course, though second in line for the throne, has no interest in doing such things, no SIR . . .

But the “kindly” Beatrice begins to become suspicious of Blair when she repeatedly gags at the food Beatrice shoves in her face every five seconds. And, despite being in the middle of NYC, where it is almost impossible to find a place that will let you use the bathroom without buying something first, Blair makes roughly twenty trips to the potty in a single afternoon!

Just like Serena, Beatrice comes to the immediate WRONG conclusion about Blair’s bizarre behavior.  She confronts Dorota and basically accuses Blair of being on drugs.  Dorota denies this, but, of course, doesn’t want to tell Beatrice what is actually wrong with Blair.  (A good maid never reveals her boss’ secrets, after all).  And so, when Beatrice suggests bulimia, Dorota sort-of agrees, since, it seems the lesser of two evils, and is not entirely untrue.  After all, Blair WAS bulimic . . . back in Season 1.

“How did you know?  Are you bulimic too?  Perhaps, we can throw some Big Bulimia Party!  No?” 

Upon hearing this news  scheming wench concerned sister Beatrice calls Louis-Bot for an impromptu meeting.  She tells her nephew that Bulimic Blair just isn’t ready for the pressures of being princess.   But Loyal Louis-Boy will not believe it.   So, Beatrice decides to prove it to him, by miraculously moving the Feast of Assumption to NYC (Get it?  Miraculously), and spending the entire feast .  . . you guessed it . . . trying to make Blair vomit again . . .

What is our Blair-Bear to do?  She decides to pray to the Virgin Mary.

“Can I ask you something?  Where did you get your outfit?  Because it’s really cute!”

And, hallelujah, her prayers are answered . . . well . . . sort of . . .

Dan’s Got a Plan, Blair’s Got a Secret, and Chuck’s . . . Joined a Fight Club?

Back in non-royal ville, Dan the Donut (who I will refrain from calling The Donut this week, because he did some nice things for both Blair and Chuck . . . things that I suspect, will start them on the path toward their inevitable reunion) is STILL trying to figure out what publishing company That Annoying Wench Who Shall Not Be Named Manessa got to publish his book.

“Actually, I’m just pretending to figure out who published my book.   I’m really just surfing the net for porn.  Shhhh!  Don’t tell Gossip Girl anybody!” 

He decides that the best way to do this is to trace the check said wench sent him as an advance.  But Dan the Donut has NO skills in the art of computer hacking or bank breaking, he decides to turn to the one person with the ability to do ALL OF THOSE THINGS . . . the man . . . the myth . . . the legend . . . CHUCK BASS!

Dan uses Gossip Girl to track Chuck’s head (no literally, Gossip Girl uses a picture of a Giant Chuck Bass Head to signify his whereabouts).  But when Dan finds him, these two hooligans are KICKING LOVERBOY’S ASS.

*insert homoerotic joke here* 

So, Dan rushes to Chuck’s rescue, and .  . . is completely unsuccessful in helping.  In fact, he gets PUNCHED IN THE FACE!  The two men rush off, and Chuck DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

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But Dan, while ogling Chuck’s awesome abs notices that nasty gash Chuck got on his stomach from his motorcycle wipeout . . .

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*whistles appreciatively*

 . . .  and  insists he see a doctor.   Chuck boredly complies with this request.  As for the doctor, he says Chuck’s wounds are “bordering on serious.”  He’s more concerned with the fact that Chuck claimed not to physically FEEL anything when the wound was touched.

“Hey, look!  It’s Doctor House . . . calls.” 

So,  now everyone assumes that Chuck is numbed out on drugs . . . just like Beatrice thought about Blair.  Coincidence?  I think not . . .

Dan, being the good After School Special Star that he is, confronts Chuck AGAIN in his bedroom, to tell him to “Just say no to drugs.”

“Unlike Serena, when I rejected you, I meant it,” replies Chuck smugly.  (Ooh, look at Chuck with all these slamming Darena zingers!)

Dan figures out, quite correctly that Blair is the cause of Chuck’s rash behavior.  In fact, he pretty much accuses Chuck of being Bella Swan in New Moon, a.k.a. trying to get himself killed so that Blair will return to his side.  Ouch!  Then, to add insult to injury, Shrink Dan decides to REALLY send Chuck off the deep end, by telling the poor guy that HE, Dan Humpty Dumpty Humphrey (See, I’m trying, I really am!) kissed Blair last, pre-Louis-Bot.

Now, I know this was supposedly just some well-intentioned tough love on Dan’s part.  But, honestly, did anybody else think that Dan was using this as an opportunity to stick his tongue out and go “Nah-nah, nah-nah boo, boo” in the emotionally-damaged Chuck’s face.

Fortunately, Chuck had the comeback to END ALL COMEBACKS to this remark.  “The last person she was with was me.  And I’m talking full carnal knowledge.  Did that hurt?  I wish I could feel it.”

Ooohh!  BUUUURN!  I love it!

It’s time for Dan to stalk Blair now.  But since he’s coming to tell her to help out Chuck, I can’t fault him too much for his decision.  What I can fault him for is his outfit.  SERIOUSLY?  A t-shirt and jeans to the Feast of Assumption?  You couldn’t at least put on a pair of khaki’s or something . . .

Religious Festival Attendance FAIL! 

Anywhoo, Dan arrives at the perfect moment to rescue Blair from the puke-making Beatrice.  She drags Dan into the Little Girls Room,  (I will not make the obvious joke . . . I will not make the obvious joke . . .  I will not make the . . .) where he feels right at home.  (DOH!  I  guess I made the obvious joke.).  Blair seems to have forgiven Dan fairly quickly for his most recent transgression of plotting to get her to escape her upcoming not going to last anyway nuptials, and f*&k him in the Hamptons.  Then again, maybe she’s just too nauseous to push him away.

Dan successfully manages to plant the seed in Blair’s head that Chuck is going TOTALLY BATTY without her, and needs her help, before she rushes into the nearest stall and starts blowing chunks.  While Dan doesn’t get the full credit he would have received for holding Blair’s hair back Chuck definitely seems like a holding hair back kind of guy, don’t you think? while she prayed to the porcelain god (Man, my euphemisms for vomiting sure are in full force this week, aren’t they?), he does get partial credit, for running the water in the faucet to drown out those pesky retching noises, and for not crinkling his nose to much at the inevitable foul smell.

“I can sing too, if you’d like?” 

Enter that b*tch Beatrice.  Dan tells her that Blair is sick, and she offers to go “fetch” Louis.  But, instead, of course, she stays to overhear Dan accuse Blair of being bulimic again, and demand that she gets help.  To this, Blair replies in frustration, “I’m not bulimic, I’m pregnant.”

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Of course, Beatrice heard THAT too.  And just when we THINK she’s going to tell Louis, she surprisingly DOESN’T.  What she does do, is claim that Blair had this “great idea” to dine with smelly homeless people at the Feast of Assumption, as a way of giving back to the community.  Man, that Beatrice, she is REALLY good at inducing vomiting.  She’s like the human version of Ipecac!

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!” 

Cue the blast from Gossip Girl that Chuck is getting his butt beat again.  And cue Super Man Dan’s exit to make another rescue!  (Hes a busy little bee, this week, isn’t he?)

“Ta-da!”

When Dan arrives to see Chuck getting beaten by the SAME guys who beat him last time, he finally figures out that Chuck PAID them to do this.  Backed into a corner, both literally and figuratively, Chuck explains the real reason behind this one-sided fight club.  Ever since he lost Blair, he has found himself frighteningly unable to feel.  So, basically, the reason he keeps putting himself in dangerous situations is that he hopes to experience pain.  “Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?”  Chuck asks, morosely.

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How about you try to feel good things?”  Dan suggests.  “I could tickle you!”

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(WOW .  . . just wow . . . and the gay porno version of Gossip Girl would start right there.)

Most of us, had kind of assumed that Chuck wasn’t as well-adjusted and coping with Blair’s loss, as he might have seemed last week.  But hearing Chuck admit this is still extremely sad.  Back at his bachelor pad, Chuck graciously asks the REAL reason Dan has been stalking him all episode.  Dan admits that his book contains some SCATHING commentary on all his “friends,” including Chuck.  And, if it’s published, a lot of people will get their feelings hurt.

“Oops,  I should really learn to keep a lock on my diary.”

According to shrink Dan, Chuck is suffering from conversion disorder, a psycho somatic illness that removes the feeling from limbs, as a result of the experience of a traumatic event . . . an event like the VERY TEMPORARY loss of a soulmate . . .  ( What’s the cure, you ask?  LOTS OF SEX WITH SAID SOULMATE, Dr. TV Recappers says . . .)

“Ahhh, Charlie Trout returns,” Chuck replies, cleverly recalling Dan’s OTHER scathing essay, about Chuck and his dad, which Dan used to impress a teacher, at Chuck’s expense.

You know, it just occurred to me that Dan is forever exploiting satirizing his pals to further his writing career.  Think about it . . . his story that was published in the New Yorker was about Serena.  He’s already written about Chuck.  And THIS story is about the ENTIRE Non Judging Breakfast Club.  Given Dan’s obvious penchant for gossip about rich kids, and “based on true events” stories, wouldn’t it just be HILARIOUS if Dan ended up being Gossip Girl?

I know he isn’t.  But I still think it would be funny .  . .

Ultimately, Chuck agrees to help Dan with his little scheme to get back that EVIL book.  And, like that, the Chan Bromance is reborn . . .

Meanwhile, Beatrice is in a limo with the PRIEST from the Feast of Assumption.  To him she reveals her desire to usurp the throne from Louis, by bringing down Blair.  Is this confession?  You might be asking yourself.  NO, believe it or not, it’s actually SEX . . .

That is so wrong on so many levels.

The episode ends with Blair finding her way back to Brooklyn, and the comfort of an old friend.  She tells Dan everything she’s been keeping locked up inside herself for such a long time now . . . like how she had sex with Chuck once, but Louis-Bot many times.  Apparently, according to Blair, he’s “surprisingly virile.”  I didn’t know robots could copulate?   Who knew?

You totally paid the writers to put that part about you being virile in the script, didn’t you?

And even though Blair is not yet certain who the father of her child is, she knows that it was conceived out of love, and therefore wants to keep it.

Ahhh, memories! 

  Honestly, I’m still skeptical as to whether Blair loves Louis-Bot, especially considerng she went back to him, more or less, as a consulation prize, after Chuck gave her up for the greater good.

But for now, I will give her the benefit of the doubt.  (OK . . . maybe I won’t.)  Of course, Blair’s life will be much easier if the baby is Louis-Bots, as it will leave her with much less explaining to do.   And yet, she is conflicted, scared, and petrified of losing everything.

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You’ve really gotta hand it to Dan.  And this is coming from someone who isn’t usually his biggest fan.  Given how clearly head over heels he is in love with her, it couldn’t have been easy for him to endure her graphic description of Louis’ virility, or of her sex with Chuck, or of her love for both men, and not him .  . . not in that way, at least.  And yet, the used-to-be extremely judgy Dan takes the fragile Blair in his arms, and convinces her to find out the baby’s paternity.

“What if I lose everything?” She asks tearfully.

“You’ll still have me,” he replies, as the episode draws to a close.

Well . .  now, that’s nice . . . sweet even.  (See?  I can behave!)  🙂

Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“I’ve come to bury Nucky, not to praise him.” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Ourselves Alone”

“All by my selllllllf.  Don’t wanna be, all by my selllllllf, anymorrrrre!” 

Poor Nucky!  I never thought I would ever begin a recap with those two words.   After all, wasn’t the entire theme of season one how blessed Nucky was in every way except in the looks department, of course, and how much power he wielded in his pants Atlantic City?

My, have the tables turned quickly . . . well, actually not so quickly, considering Season 1 aired a year ago!  Now, everyone’s out to screw Nucky over.  And District Attorney’s are touching his personal items in ways that Eddie finds personally offensive!

“I’m so upset over what is going on here that I am going to eat this phone.”

You know who else started out as a guy, who had it all, and ended up with crap?  THIS GUY . . .

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. . . well, him too.  But I was thinking more along the lines of THIS GUY . . .

The obvious comparisons between Nucky’s current situation and Julius Caesar’s are so striking, that I can’t imagine they weren’t intended by the writers of this show.  I mean, think about it, we’ve got the young up-and-comer, who used to be part of Nucky’s ranks, being groomed to usurp his throne.

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We’ve got the not-so-whispered words of mutiny amongst the senators alderman.  And, perhaps, most importantly, we have Nucky experiencing the ultimate betrayal at the hands of the person he trusted most . . . his own brother . . . his Brutus.

(Take that High School English Teacher that only gave me a B+ on my Julius Caesar paper!  You know who you are.)

And yet, while it would seem as though this episode revolved around the Downfall of Nucky Thompson, arguably, the real stars of “Ourselves Alone” were his supporting cast . . . the surprisingly sly, and cunning courage of Margaret Schroeder . . . the quiet, yet extremely dangerous, ferocity of Chalky White . . . the stone cold ambition of Jimmy Darmody . . . the bat-sh*t craziness of Nelson Van Alden . . .

Well, actually, he wasn’t in this episode.  But I think you catch my drift . . .

So, settle down with a good book, pop open a new can of shoe polish, or take a dip in the Temperance Fountain, because it’s time for another Boardwalk recap . . .

(By the way, special thanks to ladymanson.com, for the kickass screencaps you see here!)

“Nucky’s in the Slammer.  Who wants pancakes?”

“Do you think they are whispering about me, because I’m not wearing any underwear?”

The episode begins with Margaret tiptoeing down the mansion steps in her nightie, to the sight of her apprehensive all-female staff, regarding her, as one would regard a terminally ill cancer patient.

“I can’t believe NONE of us were cast in the movie The Help.  It’s NOT FAIR!” 

Too bad Margaret doesn’t live in Modern Times.  Otherwise @randomnewsreporter could have totally tweeted her the news that her not-so-hubby was very much arrested the night before.

Doh!

Instead, the new Woman of the Thompson Household is forced to learn of her lover’s arrest in the local paper.

Margaret, who has obviously adapted rather quickly to the unspoken responsibilities of being an expensive sex toy the wife of a powerful public figure, is remarkably stoic, in the face of this obviously surprising and disturbing news.  Rather than bursting into hysterics, or rushing out the door to the nearest jail like a mad woman, as the old Margaret might have done, Nu-Margaret merely takes a deep breath, and returns to her regularly scheduled  tasks, i.e. bossing around of the staff.

It is not until a bit, later, when we see Margaret on the phone with Nucky’s driver, Eddie, that cracks in her marble facade begin to show.

“So, what exactly ARE conjugal visits?  I don’t think we had those back in Ireland.” 

“I’d be more than happy to SHOW you.”

Poor Margie can barely keep herself from crying, when Eddie tells her that he can’t pick her up and drive her to the jail.  (As it turns out, the District Attorney and his cronies have been inappropriately fondling the items in Nucky’s office.  And Eddie is afraid to leave them alone.)

When the house maid is found lurking near the doorway, Margaret asks her what kind of coat she owns?

Huh?

Well, THAT’S a strange thing to ask.  Is Margie hoping the maid will drive her to the jail to see Nucky?  Is she worried about her favorite housekeeper catching pneumonia during those cold A.C. winters?  Is she secretly writing an expose on the dressing habits of maids for the local paper?  Or is something more sinister afoot?  (Well, obviously, you already know the answer.  But let’s pretend everythings all scary and intriguing, for a little while longer, OK?)

Meanwhile, down at the Pokey . . .

“Gee, sorry I had you arrested, and am now sharing a jail cell with you . . . AWKWARD!”

“I never really believed all those silly rumors about ‘dropping the soap,’ did you?” 

How convenient odd is it that a large, purportedly crime-infested, place like Atlantic City, only seems to have two cells in its town jail?  Now, if that’s not a good reason NOT to screw over your friends, I don’t know what is.

Just last week, Nucky had his liquor and political compadre Chalky White arrested “for his own safety,” after a “nice, friendly” meeting with some SHEET HEADS KKK members went horribly awry.

SHEET!

Now, Nucky finds himself trapped ALONE in a jail cell with Nucky.

(Apparently, Chalky’s political clout has gained him enough social standing to earn a spot in the “more elite” jail cell, apart from the rest of the assorted riff-raff.  Umm . . . yay?)

Silly, Nucky!  He was apparently having sex sleeping during his Jail Cell Etiquette Class.  Rule #1 of Surviving Prison:  Don’t accuse your cell mate, who YOU are responsible of throwing in jail, of betraying YOU.  And yet, that’s exactly what Nucky does, by asking Chalky a few VERY pointed questions about whether his “people” had anything to do with the “anonymous witnesses” whose testimony got Nucky thrown in jail for election fraud.

“Vote on THIS, b*tch!” 

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.  Were it not for Chalky, there is a good chance that Nucky’s cronie, Anthony Bader, would have NEVER been elected Mayor.    Not to mention the fact that Nucky is DEFINITELY no longer in the position to be choosy about who he gets to call his “friend.”

Things get even MORE awkward between Nucky and Chalky (I’m sorry, but are those not the WEIRDEST NAMES EVER? My fingers get twisted on my keyboard everytime I have to type them both together), when Nucky’s lawyer comes to post his bail, while Chalky is made to rot in the slammer.  Oops!

“See ya, Sucka . . . er . . . I mean . . . sorry, Big Guy!” 

So, Nucky exits the jail a Free Man (for now), and successfully engages in a battle of wits with the local journalists, looking to prove he’s a criminal to the “Good People of AC.”

(He calls them all alcoholics.  BURN!  What a NOVEL insult about journalists!  You have to wake up pretty early in the morning or whatever time Jimmy, the Commodore, and Eli wake up to pull one over on Nucky Thompson.  What a FIRE CRACKER!)

Meanwhile, Chalky is forced to deal with insults of a much more personal nature . . .

David Copperfield (err  . . . I mean “Tom Sawyer”) must be a REALLY GOOD BOOK!

“I have flipped through a 100 pages of this book, and I haven’t seen a single BOOB.  And they call this a classic!” 

It starts off innocent, enough. Chalky’s wife has come to visit him in jail.  They have a fairly banal conversation, during which Chalky’s wife tells Chalky that his son wanted to come visit him, but she thought it would be best if he stayed home.  Remember Chalky’s son?  The adorable prepster piano player from last week?  Yeah, not exactly someone you picture in a jail cell.

“I may look sweet and innocent, but  .  . . yeah, I’m sweet and innocent.” 

Mini-Chalky sent a gift to his dad, in his absence, however.  It’s a book, David Copperfield, to be exact.  (Was I the only one hoping there would be some sort of file, key, or weapon hidden in that book, that would help Chalky to plan his escape?  Well, there wasn’t . . . It was just a book.  Crime Boss’ son FAIL!)

Hidden mechanism for escape or not, Chalky seems touched by his son’s gift.  “That’s a good one,” he says, with a proud smile, as he takes the book from his wife’s hands.  As Mrs. Chalky leaves one of the Chalky’s “cell-mates” from across the way makes some comments that a man should NEVER make about another man’s wife.

“What’s that you say?  That I’m going to be dead in five minutes?  You’re LYIN’!” 

Chalky accepts the passive aggressive taunting of his cell mate, which is thinly disguised as good natured banter, with a surprising amount of dignity and grace, though its obvious he REALLY wants to put a cap in this guy’s ass.  The guy’s name is Dunn Purnsley, which is a really stupid name, if you ask me.    (No offense to all you Dunn Purnsley’s out there.)  And the fact that Chalky currently has a “fancy” cell to himself REALLY seems to dust Dunn’s doileys, as does the fact that Chalky dresses expensively, and has an attractive, comparatively light-skinned, wife.

You’ve got to admit, they do make a cute couple.

When another white prisoner is brought into the jail, Chalky is switched into the cell with Dunn, and the rest of the prisoners (all African American).  According to the guard, this is to prevent the mixing of races, which is strange considering that Nucky and Chalky shared a cell just hours earlier.  Weird .  . .

You would think that Chalky’s relocation into Dunn’s cell would placate the latter’s ire.  Unfortunately, it only seems to rile him up more.  Now Dunn is making increasingly inciteful and offensive comments about the color of Chalky’s skin, and referring to him in derrogatory terms, that, I suspect were generally reserved for the pre-Civil War era.

(OK, now I’m REALLY hoping Chalky kicks this Dunn guy’s butt!  He’s TOTALLY asking for it now.  If he doesn’t do it.  I may just jump into the television screen and do it for him.)

What follows are what are, in my opinion two of the most intriguing scenes in the entire episode.  The first arises when Dunn asks Chalky – who has been silently “reading” David Copperfield this whole time, what he is reading.  When Chalky first announced the book as Tom Sawyer, I thought he might just be messing with the guy.  After all, Mark Twain was an author who was pretty well known for having some fairly strong opinions about race relations, as evidenced in his follow-up book to Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn.

“Once upon a time, there was a man named Dunn, who’s life was almost finished.  Get it . . . done . . . finished?  Oh well, I guess you had to be there.” 

But then, when Dunn asks Chalky to describe what he is reading, he does so by making up a story about a picture that happens to appear in the center of the David Copperfield book.  Fans will undoubtedly recall that this is the method most of us used as children to PRETEND we knew how to read, before we had learned to do so.  The fact that Chalky probably does not know how to read, and has obviously hidden this fact from his wife, and Harvard-bound son, is both shocking and a little bit sad.

But now is not the time for sad stories.   Now is the time for ASS KICKING!  That’s right, boys and girls, Dunn is stupid enough to put up his fists and threaten Chalky.  He even has the audacity to RIP David Copperfield out of his hand, tearing out the picture Chalky used to describe what was happening in the book.

SERIOUSLY!  THE NERVE OF THIS GUY!

This next part is pretty cool.  Chalky doesn’t lift a FINGER!  Instead, he quietly addresses each of the men with whom he is sharing a cell.   He knows them all by name, and ALL of them, owe him SOME sort of debt.  It becomes apparent in this scene, that Chalky is the Nucky of the African American community in Atlantic City.  The only difference is that, unlike his political counterpart, Chalky’s power is still in full force.

Dunn rises to throw the first punch.  BAD MOVE!  Now, all of Chalky’s cell mates have been given their unspoken instructions.  They BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM . . . LITERALLY, as in . . . HE DIES!  Then, one of them casually gives Chalky back his book.

“And they all lived happily ever after . . . well . . . almost everyone.” 

So, Chalky decides its a great time for a bedtime story.   (Why not?)  He asks the group, which of them know their letters, reaffirming the fact that he, himself, cannot read.  One of the cell mates obliges, and begins to read the remaining living cell mates David Copperfield proper, as the victorious, but not, necessarily triumphant Chalky, stares blankly at the torn out page of the book.  The fact that its incredibly depressing words are meaningless to him do not mean that they don’t hold meaning for him .  . .

When Season 2 Margaret Meets Season 1 Margaret . . . (How META!)

“So that’s me from the future .  . . I was kind of hoping my boobs would get bigger.”

So, earlier in this recap, I teased at Margaret’s inquiry to her maid about what kind of coat she wore.  In this scene, we get to see what exactly she did with that lovely coat.  In a scene that ironically mimics that of the poor, beaten, and pregnant, Margaret Schroeder’s first fateful visit to Nucky Thompson, Margaret arrives at Nucky’s office to see it being swarmed by lawyers and investigators.

Having had a lot of experience playing this particular part, Margaret is flawless (if a bit exaggerated)  in the role of her old pre-f*&king Nucky self.  She feigns ignorance to Nucky’s arrest, claims to have wanted to see him in order to get some cash, and asks to be shown to the nearest rest room.  Feeling pity on this helpless biddy, the District Attorney personally directs her to the toilet, and then, most likely forgets her existence.  This, of course, gives her free reign around the rest of Nucky’s office.

We’ll find out what she does with that “free reign” at the end of the episode . . .

Elsewhere, specifically,  at La Casa de Commodore . . .

The Oldest Man Ever to Suffer from a Mid-life Crisis . . .

“This is my very subtle way of telling you I have a large weiner.” 

For the Triumverate of Evil — Commodore, Eli, and Jimmy’s winky (Don’t worry, Jimmy, I still love you, even though you’ve turned to the dark side.  You are just too hot to hate.), getting all of Nucky’s cronies, specifically, the aldermans of each of the five wards over which Nucky is city treasurer, was surprisingly easy.  All they had to do, was convince these greedy poopyheads that Nucky’s ship had sailed.  And if they wanted to continue fattening their pockets, and living in the manner to which they had grown accustomed, they had to support the “New Guard.”

Having already got these doofuses under their thumb, except one (more on him later), Commodore invites them all to his Dead Animal Zoo study to talk “business.”  Concerned that the aldermans will discount him due to his age, Commodore decides to dress up as a fat Charlie Chaplin, and amaze them with his remarkable ability to lift elephant tusks in the air.  (Because you KNOW that’s going to come in handy on the road to World Domination!)

“When you come face-to-face with destiny, do you want to be the bear, or do you want to be the one holding the shotgun?”  Commodore asks his ambivalent admiring associates.

Actually, I’d prefer to be Dick Cheney.  But that’s neither here nor there, is it?

Meanwhile, Nucky is also trying to rally the troops for his cause . . .

When the guy who’s house you burned down is your only ally, you know you have problems . . .

Exhiled from his swanky Ritz Carlton office, Nucky is forced to (gasp) actually work in the dingy work space provided for him by the government.  It comes complete with a secretary, who has probably spent the past, lord knows how many years, sitting on her fanny from 9 to 5, reading magazines and painting her nails.  (Now THAT’s a living.)

“You REALLY want me to work today?  But my radio soap opera is on in five minutes?”

Nucky has his not-so-new assistant call all of the aldermans, the mayor, and his brother for an impromptu meeting.

Only two of them actually show, both RIDICULOUSLY LATE.  The first is the Mayor, because . . . well, duh . . . Nucky’s election fraud GOT him his job.  And if Nucky goes down, so does HE.

“Honestly, I was just looking for a little more screen time . . .” 

The second “loyalist” is alderman Damian Fleming.

Remember him?  Nucky offered him his father’s home.  And then he BURNED IT DOWN!

This takes the term “working fireplace” to a whole new level .  . . 

But he gave him another one.  So . . . let bygones be bygones.  I guess . . .  Except, Damian isn’t really coming to Nucky to tell him he’s on his side.  He’s coming to tell him that he’s SORRY that he can’t be, and to warn him that everyone is against him now . . . everyone, including . . . nu-Fredo his brother . . .

It’s pretty darn heartbreaking to see Nucky, with tears in his eyes, alone in a rundown office, taking a call from his brother, who, at this point, he KNOWS has betrayed him.  And yet Nucky is STILL offering him a chance to return to the fold.  It’s all very “Et tu Brute?”

“That’s really too bad, Eli.  Because I was planning to celebrate your coming back to my team, by getting you a hooker?”

“If you want to get out of this, I can help you?”  Nucky offers.  “I’m prepared to hear your side.   Because in a minute it’s going to be too late.”

But Eli isn’t interested in second chances.  He’s interested in Power . . . and wearing Big Boy Pants . . . and sitting at the grown-ups table.  And so he gives Nucky a speech that I’m sure he practiced in front of his mirror for three hours, even though he always knew he was going to deliver it over the phone.  “How does it feel .  . . sitting by yourself?”  He asks cruelly, before continuing his Pee on Nucky Parade.  “Nobody takes power. Someone has to give it to them . . . What have YOU got?”

“What a poopy head!” 

Then he hangs up on Nucky, and I find myself in the rare situation of wanting to reach through the television screen and give Steve Buscemi a hug.  What are you DOING to me, Boardwalk Empire?

While Nucky is busy learning the One truly IS the Loneliest Number, Jimmy is across town, trying to get SOMEONE to give HIM some power . . .

Oh, Arnie, how we missed you! (And your milk!)

“Milk . . . it does a gangster GOOD!” 

Jimmy pays a visit to Arnold Rothstein (and his “pet” Lucky ;)).  He wishes to present him with a proposition . . . one that involves screwing over Nucky (SURPRISE!), and entering into the liquor business together.  Arnold seems a mixture of amused, impressed, and curious.  Arnold is no dummy.  He knows Jimmy used to be Nucky’s fair-haired boy.  He also knows that Nucky was recently arrested.

As he listens to the young up-and-comer kiss his butt and beg for his business, you can see he wheels turning in his head, regarding the possibilities this might present, and the inevitable risks.  Is this kid for real?  Arnold isn’t quite sure.  And so he politely bids Jimmy adieu, without offering an answer one way or the other.

“Well, if you are not going to go into business with me, could you at least take a drink.  I’ve always wanted to see the biggest crime boss on the East Coast with a Milk Mustache . . .” .

So, remember when Lucky f*&ked Jimmy’s winky kissing mom?

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Well, bygones, because now he wants to do business with him.  “You know that thing you asked for?  I would have said yes to that,” Lucky offers cheerily.

“Yes, but I asked Arnold.  Not the guy who carries his water.”  (Ummm . . . it was MILK, Jimmy!  MILK!  Get it right!)

Ohhh, yeah and . . .

Apparently, Arnold’s other pet, Meyer, he of the baby face and Cheshire Cat smile, instructed Lucky to invite Jimmy to their weekly poker night so the three could “talk.”

Oooh, I smell a Next Generation Rebellion!  Yay Twenty-somethings!

Meyer Lansky says, “Say YES to heroin.  (And NO to Temperance Fountain.)”

“So, before I got this part, I was cast in my college production of Batman . . .  I was the Joker.  I hope that explains the smile.” 

At their meeting Meyer tells Jimmy he has BIG PLANS for the two of them and Lucky.  “We’ve learned a great deal [from Nucky and Arnold],” he begins.  “But no one wants to be in school forever.”

Except all these people . . . 

Then, Lucky and Jimmy start exchanging Yo Mama jokes (well, actually, it’s just Jimmy’s mama), and beating the crap out of eachother.  So, Meyer has to stop them, so that he can tell them his BIG PLAN.

“Calm down.  You’re both pretty.” 

It involves Meyer and Lucky buying liquor from Jimmy, if Jimmy and HIS people buy HEROIN from them.

Ummm . . . HOORAY for HEROIN . . . I guess .  . .

(Something tells me school teachers Arnie and Nucky would most certainly NOT approve.)

At the poker game, Jimmy wipes the floor with some of Meyer’s friends, while Meyer has an uncomfortable meeting with two goons who apparently represent the “Lower East Side.”  Later that night, Jimmy is walking home from the poker game, when those same two goons try to steal his lunch money poker winnings.

“I know you really want to ask me out on a date, but this is a bit too agressive, don’t you think?  There is something to be said for playing a little hard to get.” 

So, Jimmy . . .. ummm KILLS THEM, and leaves them lying in the ironically named Temperance Fountain with their mouths gaping grotesquely, and their necks spurting out blood.

I’m not going to lie.  It’s kind of awesome.

Speaking of awesome  . . .

Hi, New Cute Irish Guy!  (Yeah, that’s basically all I got from this plotline.)

“SOMEONE has to make sure Steve Buscemi doesn’t get all the chicks.” 

While Margaret waits for Nucky to come home, she’s got her OWN problems to cope with.  Nucky is apparently having a very stuffy Irish gentleman to visit.  He wants guns . . . or something.  He also doesn’t eat anything that walks on clove or hoof, and HATES AMERICANS.  Sounds like a real Life of the Party Type, right?

PARTY ANIMAL! 

He does have one thing going for him though, his help is HOT.  His name is Owen Sleater.  He has a cute Irish accent, can helps straighten rugs, and puts his foot in his mouth, like it’s his JOB.  He arrives to try and get into Margie’s pantsmake sure the Thompson house is SAFE for his boss.  Within minutes, he proceeds to mistake Margaret for he MAID, and the MAID for Margaret’s DAUGHTER, despite the fact that the two look to be only about five years apart at most.

“I’m deeply offended, and furious with you.  Yet, I have this strange urge to bone you, right here on this floor.”

Yet, there’s something charming about him.   He has a bit of sexual chemistry going on with Margaret (and the maid).   And, most importantly, he’s STICKING AROUND!

Woohoo!  Look out Jimmy Darmody and Al Capone.  It seems you have some competition for my heart  . . .

Speaking of hearts . . .

Margaret Schroeder = A Modern Day (Likeable) Lady Macbeth (Who knew?)

“Just don’t start talking about ‘damn spots,’ or I am SOOOO out of here.” 

We’ve been waiting for it all week, and it finally happens at the end of the episode.  Margaret confronts Nucky about his arrest, and everything that has been going on with him, these past two episodes.  Calmly and firmly, she gets her lover to admit everything to her, including, most painfully, his brother’s betrayal.  “I keep people satisfied.  It’s what I do,” says Nucky dejectedly, unable to comprehend how far he has fallen.

“They will never satisfied.  You know that already,” she replies, not entirely unkindly.  (Now, we know who the REAL brains of this operation is!)

Then Nucky tells Margaret, what he has TRULY been avoiding telling her all along.  The District Attorney has evidence against him, hard evidence.  It appears the officers searching his office have taken his ridiculously crime ridden business ledger, as well as $20,000 in cash.  Or HAVE they?

Like a BOSS, Margaret, skips to the other side of the room, and pulls BOTH incriminating items out of a nearby drawer.  Ahhhh!  So, that’s what she was doing at the Ritz in the Poor Girl Costume!  It all makes sense now!

Margaret decisively tosses the ledger in the fire, making Nucky promise to commit his shady dealings to memory from NOW ON!  You tell  him sister!

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed with a female television character as I am with Margaret Schroeder right now.  Margaret, I take back every mean and snarky thing I ever said about you in season 1 and at the beginning of this rccap.

In the final moments of the episode, Margaret kisses and emotionally and physically exhausted Nucky on the forehead, and tells him to come to bed, where there will certainly be some EPIC lovemaking . . . I’d prefer not to picture it, though . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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