The Game of Thrones is a bloody one. There are no elections in Westeros. So, if you want to hold office, there’s a good chance you are going to be holding it over someone’s dead body . . . multiple someones, more likely than not.
For those of you who complained, “This season of GOT is not nearly bloody enough. I mean, sure, we had the obligatory Big Death at the end of each episode, Burning Mance in episode 1, headless Dany follower in episode 2, headless Janus at the end of episode 3 . . . that old guy at White Castle the House of Black and White. But I want some serious carnage. The sound of swords searing through flesh . . . rotting, fetid corpses in other places apart from the Bolton’s house, where they are merely decoration . . . a mountain of dead red shirts and extras, whose names we will never learn,” this, my friends, was the episode for you.
Let’s begin the body count, shall we?
She’s Just Not That Into You
Poor Jorah. He truly believes that kidnapping Tyrion Lannister and hijacking a ship to Mereen is going to get him out of the dog house and into the pants of the Mother of Dragons. Clearly, he hasn’t been watching Game of Thrones this season, and, therefore has no clue about This Guy . . .
Hate to break it to you, Jorah, but a dumpy boat, and a humorous dwarf have nothing on washboard abs and a smug hipster in his sexual prime . . .
Speaking of boats . . .
It Has To Be Me . . .
If Bronn is to be believed, the Dornish people currently holding Cersei’s only female incestuous love child with Jamie, are a bunch of nymphomaniacs with anger management issues and spectacular tans.
“No offense, but sailing to Dorne on a merchant ship and rescuing your “niece” doesn’t really seem like a suitable job for a one armed pretty boy like yourself,” Bronn muses. “Why don’t you, I don’t know, pay for an army with your ridiculous wealth and power or something.”
“I’ve conceived three abominations with Cersei, and only one turned out to be a total sociopath / possible spawn of Satan,” Jamie explains. “I am grateful to the gods for this stroke of luck, which I may deserve a little bit, because I’m occasionally nice to Brienne and Tyrion. The least I can do is rescue my illegitimate, incestuous, but fortunately not three-headed, child from a life of beach blanket whoredom in Dorne, a.k.a. the Cancun of Westeros.”
“Spring BREEEEEAAAAK,” exclaims Bronn triumphantly, in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Franco in that Harmony Korine movie with all the naked Disney stars . . .
Religious Cults are the Worst
After sending any potential dissenters in young King Tommen’s council on paid vacation, Cersei visits the kindly old poo-smelling man she made pope in last week’s episode, and gives him an army to beat the sh*t out of everybody basically. The new High Sparrow’s “Faith Militant,” i.e. crazy cultists with creepy head tattoos like Charles Manson, led by Cersei’s cousin and former bedmate, dumb-but-hot Lancel,promptly proceed to break into Littlefinger’s brothel, assault and murder a few sex starved old guys and prostitutes, and later imprison, Sir Loras a.k.a the Knight of Flowers, a.k.a Renly’s former adoring boy toy, a.k.a. Queen Margaery’s scamp brother, for being a homosexual.
Lovely Pedophile Margaery promptly appeals to her prepubescent husband to ameliorate her brother’s dire situation. “Tell your bitch of a mother to let my brother out of sex prison,” she demands. “Or you won’t get laid again until you are old enough to get a driver’s license in America.”
“But that’s seven years away,” whines Baby King Tommen. “17 is so old! Almost legal!”
“Well, you better get to work then, Little Blue Balls,” demands Margaery.”
“Mother,” Tommen later demands. “I insist that you release Gay Loras from prison, so that I can continue to be regularly statutorily raped by my wife, Lovely Pedophile Margaery.”
“No can do,” relents Cersei. “But maybe our new Smells Like Poo Pope can save your disturbing sex life for you. Why don’t you ask him yourself? You are king, after all, even if you still suck your thumb and occasionally wet the bed.”
Tommen obediently attempts to visit new Smells Like Poo Pope, but is blocked by his creepy cultists, who insist he is praying and cannot be disturbed. “You could kill his minions and take Smells Like Poo Pope by force,” offers one of Tommen’s guards. “It’s WTLSDJWD”,
“Huh?” Tommen asks incredulously.
“It’s What that Little Shit Dead Joffrey Would Do,” the guard answers matter-of-factly.
King Tommen considers this briefly, but quickly finds himself distracted by all the townspeople calling him an incest baby, and has to leave quickly. “I’d totally murder you, but I’m long overdue for a breastfeeding by mommy, TTYL,” offers Tommen politely, as he excuses himself.
“Sex denied,” Margaery proclaims later that night, when Tommen gives her the bad news about Loras’ indefinite incarceration. “You can use your hand tonight.”
Tommen sighs sadly, then quickly extends his arm to pet and fondle all the furry pussies in his life that don’ t belong to his inappropriately-aged wife. It’s still a lot of pussy, just saying . . .
In Which Everybody Loves Jon Snow (Except, perhaps, for the guy he decapitated last week)
Back on the wall, Jon Snow is teaching his men, how to fight, and Stannis is watching him adoringly from above. (Methinks someone has a Man Crush!)
Apparently, Stannis’ wife thinks so too, because she pops by to passive aggressively gripe and complain to Stannis about his thinly concealed warm fuzzies for Ned Stark’s bastard kiddie. “Gee Stannis, I’m so sorry I birthed you a girl with scar makeup on her face, instead of a strapping young hunk of man meat, like Jon, or an evil shadow baby that murdered your awesome brother like Melisandrei.”
Hey, did you guys ever notice that Stannis’ wife is kind of the worst? I mean, I’m not one to at all condone adultery, and certainly not with creepy Melisandrei, who may very well be Satan in disguise. But if anyone has the right to feel a wee bit dissatisfied with his marriage, it’s this guy.
Speaking of Evil Melisandrei, she magically appears to remind Stannis to take her into battle at Winterfell with him, because, one never knows when they might need a woman who produces black shadows from inside her lady parts to vanquish one’s enemies.
Later on in the day, Jon Snow learns that, while the best part of being a commander is being able to sit at the big kids table at meetings, and occasionally decapitate rude baldies, the worst part is most definitely the paper work. Fortunately, Samwell Tarley is a kickass executive assistant. He puts the papers in front of Jon, and all the latter has to do is sign them.
“What is all this crap?” Jon inquires, as his signing hand starts to cramp up.
“You see Jon, over the past few seasons, we’ve murdered a lot of red shirt wall watchers in various battles,” explains Sam. “And just last week, you cut off the head of a bald one. And most people can’t fight without a head. So, these letters beg all the folks from the neighboring towns to send us more extras, who we can then murder and decapitate as we wish! It’s like an open casting call!”
“I hate that you are making me send a letter to Roose Bolton. He murdered my entire family, and his kid is a psychotic. Clearly, any extras he sends me will be demons from hell,” Jon grouses.
“Does this mean you want me to remove the ‘Hugs and Kisses, Jon’ from the signature block on his letter?” Sam asks nervously.
Enter Melisandrei, who is so evil and creepy, she should come with her own soundtrack, so you know she’s coming, like perhaps, the theme song from the Halloween movies, or the one they play whenever the Wicked Witch appears in the Wizard of Oz . . .
Game of Boners
No scene in GOT has felt more like a porn parody of itself than the one in which Melisandrei attempts to seduce Jon Snow into riding to Winterfell with her and Stannis. “The Watchers on the Wall don’t take part in the Wars of the Seven Kingdoms,” insists Jon Snow.
“There’s only one war, the war of life and death,” Melisandrei explains. “Here I’ll show you.”
“What are you going to show me,” scoffs Jon, “a vision in the fire?”
“Not unless fire is what you crazy kids are calling the vajayjay these days,” Melisandrei notes, as she disrobes for Jon, and places his hand on her tit.
WHAT? WHY? WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like sex scenes as much as the next cable subscriber. But this one just seems out of place. Maybe I was wrong about Melisandrei being accompanied by the Halloween soundtrack, when she enters a room. Perhaps, a 70s porn track would be more appropriate.
“Do you feel my heart beating?” Melisandrei asks Jon, because apparently they are playing doctor now.
“Um, I would, maybe, but your massive breast is in the way,” Jon muses.
“That’s cool, because I don’t have a heart anyway. Let’s screw and make a legion of evil shadow babies together that will conquer the world,” Melisandrei entreats, as she straddles Jon, and starts grinding against his leg like it’s a hobby horse.
“I don’t think Stannis, a.k.a the guy whose already cheating on his awful wife with you, would like that,” Jon argues.
“He would if we let him watch,” responds Melisandrei.
(Actually, she didn’t say that. But something tells me that watching his mistress go at it with the adorable object of his man crush, Jon Snow, would not be the most awful experience Stannis could imagine. He also strikes me as a guy who really digs period piece porn, if you catch my drift.)
“I’m sorry. I can’t f*ck you today, because I’m in love with another ginger,” Jon insists. “Dead Ygritte.”
Melisandrei reluctantly relents, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” she says before exiting.
“Dammit! Why are women always saying that to me?” Jon grumbles, as he returns to his paperwork.
“Rats, foiled again,” whines Stannis, as he turns off HBO, in search of some real porn with actual payoff . . .
In which Stannis and Shireen get their Hallmark moment . . .
Upstairs and completely unable to find good porn on Wall Watcher TV, Stannis finds a welcome distraction in his daughter’s presence . “The Wall is no place for a child,” he says apologetically, despite the fact that in the book, most of the Watchers on the Wall are actually prepubescent boys.
“It’s OK, I like it here. I’ve started my own business called ‘Shireen’s School for Westerosians Who Can’t Read Good.’ It’s been a great success. We’ll be publicly traded on NASDAQ next week,” Shireen answers. “Mom told me she didn’t want to take me.”
“Your mother is the worst,” Stannis replies, thus proving that Stannis and I agree on something.
“Are you ashamed of me?” Shireen asks boldly.
It’s something many fans have undoubtedly wondered about Stannis, who seemingly has kept his cute daughter with the scar makeup on her face locked in tower for most of the series’ run. His terrible wife is certainly ashamed of Shireen.
Stannis pauses a bit long before speaking. And, in that moment, fans undoubtedly share Shireen’s nervousness as to what he’s going to respond. He tells his daughter the story of how she got greyscale. As it turns out, she wasn’t born with it, as many, myself included, might have thought, rather she was infected with it by a poisoned doll that Stannis himself had purchased from a Dornish trader and put in her crib, when she was a baby.
According to Stannis, once Shireen became infected, everyone thought she would die, and begged Stannis to send his daughter to live with the Stone Men far away. But Stannis refused to abandon his daughter, and eventually found a Maester to cure her. “Because you didn’t belong with the Stone Men,” Stannis explains.
The look on Shireen’s face, upon hearing these words is resplendent. And when the father and daughter hug for the first time on camera, you’d have to have no heart in your big boob like evil Melisandrei not to get a wee bit choked up at the Hallmark card-iness of it all . . .
Wardeness of the North
On the much less Hallmark card end of the spectrum is Littlefinger’s continued dalliances and occasional open mouth kisses with the now fully reborn to the dark side, at least for now, Darth Sansa. Westeros’ second favorite pedophile (Marg is still winning) finds Sansa in the crypt lighting a candle for an aunt she never knew. There, Littlefinger breaks the news to Sansa that he’s leaving for Kings Landing. Thus, Sansa will be alone with gross Ramsey to live amongst all those fetid corpse chandeliers he loves so much.
“Worry not, Darth Sansa,” Littlefinger insists. “Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs are coming to kill the Boltons. And once they do, they will name you Wardeness of the North, since you are the only surviving Stark child, apart from Bran and Rickon, who nobody cares about, and Arya, who is stuck in hamburgerless White Castle for the foreseeable future.”
“But what if Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs lose the battle?” Sansa wonders.
“Then, you will become Mrs. Darth Sansa Stark nee Gross Rotting Fetid Corpse Bolton, and after about a year or so, you will stop noticing the smell of all the dead bodies your creepo husband will make you use as a comforter.”
Then, Littlefinger and Darth Sansa make out.
“I suppose, the next time you see me, I’ll be a married woman,” Sansa muses half-flirtatiously.
“Never stopped me before,” winks Littlefinger.
In Which Bronn Gets his Very Own Dornish Stallion . . .
While traveling in Dorne and munching on a yummy rattlesnake dinner, Jamie and Bronn come upon four men on horseback, who quickly suss them out as outsiders, and wish to murder them. “How many do you think you could take?” Bronn asks his new one-armed buddy.
“One, if he’s slow,” Jamie muses.
So, Bronn easily dispatches of three of the four men, steals the horse of one, and murders the horse of the fourth. “This one should be slow enough for you,” Bronn offers.
And he IS slow enough! Jamie kills him! Hooray! Kingslayer’s still got the swagger!
Then, Jamie makes Bronn bury all the dead bodies himself, because he’s a pimp . . . also because it’s really hard to dig with only one hand . . .
Sistahs Sand Snakes are doing it for themselves . . .
When we last saw Ellaria Sand, she was busy being disappointed that Doran Martell wasn’t cool with mutilating little Lannister girls to avenge Oberyn Martell’s death. Ellaria has a hunch that Oberyn’s illegitimate daughters , who appear to live under a sheet held up by three poles, will be less discriminatory about who they mutilate. “Do you choose peace or war?” Ellaria asks the three women.
In response, Obara, the oldest, throws a spear into the head of the guy who brought Jamie Lannister into town, just because she can. Clearly, this is not the kind of girl you sing Kumbaya with around a campfire, while eating s’mores.
Making the Best of a Bad Situation
While on a boat bound for Mereen, the captive Tyrion entertains his captor Jorah by singing with a gag in his mouth. When Jorah removes the gag, Tyrion admits that he was going to see Dany anyway, and that the two of them, captor and captive, share a mutual disdain for the awful Cersei.
Tyrion is smart enough to surmise that Jorah’s kidnapping of him is nothing more than a desperate attempt of the latter to get back into Dany’s good graces and possibly her bed, after she banished him for trading her secrets to Kings Landing (probably because he accidentally deleted all the Dany / Daario episodes of this show on his DVR, and doesn’t realize yet that he’s WAAAAY outmatched, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’s ever going to get to hit that).
Jorah responds to this revelation by punching Tyrion in the face, and knocking him unconscious. Bad move, Jorah. Who is going to sing to you now?
Ser Barristan-Wan Kenobi and Grey Worm versus Those Creeps with the Weird Masks (a.k.a The Scene Where Everybody Gets Bludgeoned to Death)
Over in Mereen, Dany is having a warm conversation with loveable grandfather type Barristan about how her dad used to dress up like a minstrel and sing to the public because it was fun, also because he was a nutbar. She sends Barristan out for a walk amongst the people, while she attends her umpteenth council meeting about re-opening the fighting pits.
“Fighting pits unite the people, and give them something to live for. Reopening them will show you respect their traditions,” says Mereenite guy. “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
We interrupt this episode of CSPAN- Westeros Edition to bring you LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTING VIOLENTLY MURDERED!!!!
Apparently, the Sons of the Harpy, aka, the folks in the weird masks stolen from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut are super pissed at Dany about the whole “no more slaves” thing, so pissed in fact that they want to KILL EVERYONE (which sort of doesn’t make sense, seeing as, if everyone is dead, no one can be a slave).
The unsullied, led by Greyworm try to put down the Sons. But Greyworm seems to be the only one really having any luck with it. Then Barristan joins in, and he’s like the coolest fighting old man since Obi Wan Kenobi, just slicing through Mask Heads, like they are his morning bagels.
Then he dies . . . which sucks, and Greyworm dies too. . . I think, maybe.
The final shot of the hour is a really gross hallway filled with a pile of murdered rotting disgusting corpses, kind of like what you would imagine Ramsey’s childhood bedroom would look like, if he ever had a childhood . . .
And that was “Sons of the Harpy.” Until next time, my friends . . .
Birth. It is a new beginning . . . a fresh start . . . a clean slate . . . a single, hopeful, spot on the blank canvas of life. When we are born, each and every one of us is pure and perfect apart from the whole poopy diaper thing. It’s a state of being that occurs just once in our lifetime.
Rebirth, on the other hand is messier, and happens many times, throughout the course of a human life. In a sense, we are reborn, each time we have children, marry, begin a new job, move to a new place, start a new school year, awaken in the morning. The reborn are smudged, impure, and imperfect, baring within them the scars and blemishes of lives past. But also they are endlessly hopeful, that this time, finally, they will get it right . . .
“Kissed by Fire,” this week’s wet and wild episode of Game of Thrones, was all about baptism. Each of the show’s characters experienced a sort of rebirth, during the course of the hour, whether it be through a soul cleansing confession, the loss of one’s virginity, or a literal rising from the dead. Oh yeah, and we also got to see a lot of naked butts.
It seems Littlefinger’s Male Escort Service has another promising candidate in its midst. A few week’s back, if you recall, Podrick had his menage-a-TERRIFIC with the lovely ladies of the Lannister castle.
And this week, Jon Snow showed admirable prowess with respect to “kissing.” It seems that virgin lotharios are becoming about as common in Westeros as . . . well . . . decapitated corpses.
Anywhoo, after a tense moment between Jon and his fellow Wildings — during which he was asked to expose, not only his former Knight Watch Brother’s various whereabouts, but also how many of them are in each location — Ygritte decided to distract her former-captive-turned-love-interest with an old-fashioned game of Phallic Item Keep Away.
The pair take turns stroking Jon Snow’s sword a bit, when they realize that they have “inadvertently” stumbled upon a little love nest, complete with its very own waterfall! Welcome to the sex scene setting for Every Romance Novel Ever Written . . .
Never one to be known for her subtlety, Ygritte gets naked faster than you can say, her trademark catchphrase: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
And then she says it . . . because Jon tries to get laid with his clothes on! Silly boy (those animal furs are mighty hard to penetrate)! Had they used those kind of prophylactic measures, the wildings would have gone extinct years ago!
Jon Snow may know nothing about the joys of unprotected sex. But he sure is a pro at making his lips speak a language that only ladies can understand, if you catch my drift.
From the looks of it, Ygritte is clearly impressed by Jon Snow’s “multilingual talents.” She wonders where he’s learned this impressive pet trick, especially considering the fact that, with the exception of his mother and MUCH younger “stepsisters,” he’s spent predominately all of his young life in the company of exclusively men. “I just wanted to kiss you there,” Jon Snow demurs (Because, clearly, someone has smuggled the DVD version of Cruel Intentions into the Wildings tents.
Next thing you know, Snow will be whipping Ygritte up a batch of that “Special Tea from Long Island.”)
Then again, Ygritte doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who requires liquid encouragement to play the Game of Bones, where everybody is a winner, and uniforms are optional. I mean, this girl wasn’t “kissed by fire,” for nothing. Now, come on ladies, you didn’t think a cable channel like HBO would hire an actor like Kit Harington, and NOT separate him from his direwolf wear at least once, do you? It’s time for these two crazy Wildings to get wild!
After its all over, Snow adorably admits to his heretofore virginal status, while Ygritte cops to having a bit more . . . OK . . . a lot more experience.
Now, before you judge little Ygritte, please consider the fact that she spends most of her time in a hut with a bunch of barbarians, and . . . well . . . not much else. (No HBO for her!) I mean, there’s only so many times you can watch that kooky guy “commune with crows,” and make snow angels admits the dead horses. A girl’s gotta keep herself entertained!
Ygritte tries to defuse an awkward situation, by reminding Jon Snow that he probably hasn’t bathed since his baptism. And the two go for a swim. It’s a quietly sweet romantic moment, that almost seems out of place on a show where everyone always seems to be in the process of being burned alive, bludgeoned, or having their appendages chopped off . . .
Loras Tyrell. This is a character whose three claims to fame are, in no particular order: (1) being the secret lover of the best looking Dead Baratheon Brother . . .
(2) expertly impersonating the Best Looking Dead Baratheon Brother on the battlefield . . . and
(3) being the only guy in Westeros with a perm?
Now, we can add Egregious Over-Sharer During Post Coital Cuddles to that list! Like Ygritte before him, one of Loras’ trusty man servants (a Macauley Culkin-looking guy we haven’t seen up to this point, and may never see again), deftly equates swordplay with foreplay, as he suggestively fondles Loras’ man bits, while offering to “serve him.” Thanks to Renly’s fine tutelage, Loras at least knew enough to take his clothes off, before all this “serving” began.
But, while Jon Snow tends to be more of the strong and silent type, Loras is a real Chatty Cathy in the sack. And it isn’t long before he spills the beans to Macauley Guy about his future nuptials to Sansa Stark. Macauley Guy promptly shares this news with Littlefinger, as he was undoubtedly paid to do. (See? I was totally right about Littlefinger’s burgeoning male escort business.)
Cute kids and pets are two species I never want murdered on my TV screen. So when that Karstark guy and his men killed those seemingly innocent little Lannister captures in their bed chambers, to avenge his own son’s demise, I was all for Robb Stark chopping his head off.
I felt this way, even though I recognized that, politically, this was a terrible decision . . . one that only served to further alienate the King of the North from the few families that offered him their allegiance. I also got the impression that the public decapitation (which Robb honorably performed himself, as Papa Ned taught him to do) had more to do with Robb’s wounded pride, over being directly disobeyed than any sense of empathy or fondness he had for these young murdered children.
And, of course, anyone whose ever read Shakespeare knows that being cursed by a dying guy, who lost his life as a result of a Family Feud is very bad luck indeed . . .
Arya loses her religion (not that she was ever particularly religious to begin with), when the Hound wins his Trial by Battle, despite the fact that he was TOTALLY guilty of killing Arya’s childhood friend.
So, you can imagine her surprise, when the seemingly dead Beric Dondarrion, pops up, after being slain in battle, as if he was merely taking a nap. Beric admits to Arya that prayers to the “Lord of Light” have “woken” him from the dead, no less than six times. He’s like Kenny from South Park, only with a cool eye patch in place of the orange hoodie.
Arya hopefully requests that the Lord of Light re-attach her departed father’s head to his body. But Beric isn’t sure it works that way . . .
Poor Arya, let down by the Lord of Light twice in one night. And she’s about to be let down, once again. The following morning she learns that her pal Gendry will not be traveling on with her back to the Starks. Rather, like Hot Pie before him, he will be sticking around with the crews previous captors. Gendry likes the camaraderie and democratic style of the Brotherhood without Banners. He hopes they could provide him with the family this bastard son of Robert Baratheon never had.
Arya hopes her good friend will reconsider. And offers him an alternative suggestion.
Sweet, Gendry. But it doesn’t really make up for the fact that you are leaving “your lady” alone with One Eye Guy, and trusting that he’ll bring her to her family, like he promised. Unfortunately, few people ever seem to do what they promise, where Arya is concerned. That’s why her list of “People to Kill” grows with each episode . . .
That said, I love the dynamic between Arya and Gendry, and hope they get the opportunity to reconnect, later in the series.
Why Everyone Should Name Their Kid Grey Worm . . .
It’s been a pretty busy day for everyone’s favorite Dragon Mommy. She laid siege to a city, garnered an entire army, and freed a population of slaves, all in the span of about 15 minutes! Way to make the rest of us feel lazy, Dany!
In this week’s episode, we see Dany trying her hand at politics, when she asks her new army of unsullied to democratically select amongst themselves, who they wish to have as their general. And I gotta say, those unsullied have damn good taste! The guy they choose is pretty hot . . . not that being hot necessarily translates to being a good army general. But it certainly can’t hurt.
Dany is horrified and saddened to learn that her new army general, like the rest of the unsullied, has been forced to take a name whose purpose is to dehumanize and degrade him. Greyworm . . . it sounds like one of those weird names celebrities choose for their kids.
So, Dany encourages all the now-free unsullied to choose their OWN names. Pretty cool right?
Even though he’s down a hand, and looks like his body hasn’t touched water in days, Jamie’s still packing heat where it counts, if you catch my drift. And as a result, he is not the least bit shy about showing his wares to the androgynous Brienne. If Game of Thrones was a romantic comedy or sitcom, these two would be that couple that started out despising one another, and ended up humping like bunnies . . .
Take for example, this scene, during which Jamie teases Brienne about her inability to bring him back to the Lannister’s in “one piece.” The joking accusation enrages Brienne so much that she forgets her nudity, and rises from the tub in all her bare bummed splendor. Briennes taking of offense to Jamie’s joke, softens him. He admits to her that he trusts her and is tired of fighting.
That admission ultimately leads to an even larger one. In a remarkably well acted and poignant speech, Jamie tells Brienne the story of how he got the name Kingslayer. As it turns out, Jamie broke his oath as a knight and killed the king, not for power or any other lofty purposes, but rather because the Mad King wanted to lay siege to his entire city, and asked that Jamie murder his own father.
Overtaken with the emotion of his confession, Jamie faints, causing Brienne to rush forward and clutch him in her arms, like a concerned lover. She shouts his name out, in a cry for help.
So, apparently Stannis Grumpy Pants has a daughter, who despite some facial scarring, is way cooler and perkier, than anyone sharing genes with Stannis has any right to be. (Maybe she gets it from her mother.) Despite being told that Stannis’ former right-hand man Davos is a traitor to the cause, she sneaks off to visit the man, who she considers a dear friend. She brings him books to read during his incarceration. And when Davos admits he is unable to read them. She offers to teach him herself.
You know what’s not “Awwww?” Dead babies in bottles of green gunk.
Remember I said that Stannis’ wife must be a nice lady to have such a sweet daughter. Well, nice she may be, but she sure is looney tunes. Apparently, Mrs. Baratheon has been having some difficulty conceiving Stannis a strapping male heir. And you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, store the evidence of your mistakes in a jar in your basement . . .
Stannis pops by his wife’s Dead Baby Museum, feeling a whole lot of guilt about schtupping the red-headed Melissandre, while wifey was sitting home staring at baby food jars . . .
But Mother of Test Tube Babies says it’s TOTALLY COOL that Stannis is boinking Melissandre. After all, she’s down with the “Lord of the Light,” and has the capacity to make male babies, something Mrs. Baratheon might never be able to do . . .
Tsk, tsk Mrs. Baratheon, you’ve just pushed the woman’s movement back to the Middle Ages. Then again, since that’s when this story takes place, I guess that’s not so bad . . .
Oh, Tywin Lannister! Your douchebaggery knows no bounds. In the final moments of this week’s Game of Thrones, Tywin orchestrated marriages for not one but TWO of his children, both of whom are well in their thirties. .
For the past few week’s Sansa Stark has been the topic of everyone’s conversation over in Lannister Land. She’s young, she’s pretty. And despite her father’s recently headless status, she seems to be the key to gain the favor of the North, a necessary step to achieving the Iron Throne.
And just when it seemed like Sansa would end up either married to Big Gay Loras, or whisked away to points unknown with the sly and slimy Littlefinger, Tywin introduces a surprise third option. Sansa Stark will marry . . . Tyrion?
The Lannister clan’s most petite member is horrified on Sansa’s behalf. He argues that being saddled with yet another Lannister, after that evil wretch Joffrey murdered her father, and brutally abused her, would be a terrible punishment for the innocent maiden. Plus . . .. welll . . . dude’s kind of old enough to be her dad.
Cersei, of course, thinks this is hilarious, since her brother’s misfortune is always her greatest joy.
But it’s ultimately Tyrion who gets the last laugh. Because Tywin has a marriage in mind for Cersei too. Loras Tyrell!
Now, under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t seem like such a bad deal. I mean, apart from the bad perm, Loras is pretty adorable. (Though, I suspect the whole “making babies with ladies” thing, is not really up his alley.) But, lest we forget, Cersei’s heart belongs to another . . . her brother.
And the thought of marrying yet another person, who is not a blood relation, horrifies Cersei to her core. Ahh, parting with incestuous love is such great sorrow . . .
Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers? There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?
I don’t know about you. But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!
So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .
Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”
I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way. Kudos, Julie Plec and Co. This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form. And it is, in a word, AWESOME!
The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D. Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.
Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?
The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King. She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!
Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames. I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!
This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”
But the fun is far from over! Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!
“Duuuuude! That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”
Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .
Deny, Deny, Deny . . .
De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls. We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode. Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .
This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse. Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.
Also in denial? Stefan. He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.
Yeah, this guy? He’s not jealous of his brother at all! No sir! Not a bit!
Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about. Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers. You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?
Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?
That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo! Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”
So much self control! She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth. Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!
Still more stops on the Denial Train. Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.
I think it drowned, Matt . . . along with your dignity.
Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!
OMG! Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . . Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love! He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.
Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car. And I don’t even roll that way. Go figure . . .
Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex? Poor Rebekah! Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.
“You had to start with a car? You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive? Like a lottery ticket? Or a lollipop?“
Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff. But he still has information for her about “The Five.” Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care. But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .
“What can I say? I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.
Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?
Well, now you do!
What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . . Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .
I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!). But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)
(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them. So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)
While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.
Things start off well enough. But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT! (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter. Now, that would have been poignant. But baby sister? Meh!)
No worries! Damon’s got a better idea! He decides to take Elena to a frat party. You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies. Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .
Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme. (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.) Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party. Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .
“I thought she was 18 . . . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”
In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.” (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)
Elena finds a frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.” (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child. Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)
Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy. “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .
So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .
Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window. We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings. No matter! Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.
And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right? You guessed it! It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!
I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene. But I, for one, absolutely adored it. I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing. I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.
I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.
Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism. If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people. People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.
Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one. It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .
Elena scampers off in tears. She wants to go home, dammit! Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .
Try not to take it too personally, Damon. I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs. Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!
Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes. And it basically boils down to this: Damon is a BAD BOY. Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL. She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL. So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.
Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!) Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks. Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .
Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .
50 Shades of Connor Jordan
My that Klaus! He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he? I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan! But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)? Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true. (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan. Because you are both soooo next!
Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!
Seriously! I was not expecting that!
Cooler still? Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”
Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS! POSITIVELY GENIUS!
Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!
[Random sidenote: When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties. And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish. Anyway, rumor has it that if you can tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .
Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage. Take from that what you will. All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS. It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]
“And I’m too sexy for your ear . . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”
We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment. But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?
It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .
Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way. He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes. As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.
Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them both what she knows about The Five. Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day. And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.
“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”
Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms, until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands. Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you. Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”
Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract. Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago. Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . . Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother. And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.
(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another? Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)
The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics
Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body. (Mental Note: Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people. It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)
“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”
Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy. Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.” To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”
“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor. (Just kidding . . . sort of.)
Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me). He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire. Well, that sure is cost-efficient. Tattoos can be expensive!
What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo. Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .
Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo
A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners. I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show. He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!
That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think? Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood. Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .
Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback. And, so, we get one, in short order. Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.
“Check it out. This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”
In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .
Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .
What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around. You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .
Poor Rebekah! She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD! Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings. Rat BASTARD!
“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up. How do you like your new wall decor?“
Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.
Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?
But wait a minute. If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?
A-ha! See, this is where things get sort of interesting. Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure. And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five. Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is. Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.
Nifty plan, right? Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .
Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey? Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.
Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved. As it turns out, this was precisely his plan. You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN. And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus? Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”
That’s right. Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .
This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details. Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.
Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.
“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”
“Somehow, I doubt that . . .“
Seriously, dude? AGAIN! Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off. You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime. It’s time to get another outlet for your anger. Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .
Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus. Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan? Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors? Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?
Just saying . . .
So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .
And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would. But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids. You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .
Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.
Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo. I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .
In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader. “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”
WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor. But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too. What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. . . Professor Boo Radley?
Welcome back, Gleeks! Can you believe it’s been a month since the last time Sue tried to destroy Glee club . . .
. . . or Quinn made a Puss Face . . .
. . . or Blaine sang a song by Katy Perry, while wearing an item of clothing that you would laugh at on anybody else, but, on him, it looks surprisingly adorable?
“What the hell is on your head, fool?”
Well, it has been . . . But wait no more, because our New Directions crew is back in action! And, this time, they have the Luck of the Irish on their side . . .
That’s right! This week marked the debut ofGlee Projectwinner, Damian McGinty, as Rory Flanagan, an Irish exchange student, who wears WAY too much green, loves Lucky Charms, and is desperately seeking a Pot of Gold inside Brittany’s pants.
In honor of his premiere episode, the character was granted: (1) not one, but two, solo numbers; (2) a truly awful hair style that only an Elvis impersonator could love . . .
(Enough hairspray to make the cast of the Jersey Shore cower in fear . . . )
. . . (3) and a WHOLE LOTTA green t-shirts . . .
. . . with matching SHORTS!
So, who cares that it’s still MONTHS away from St. Patty’s day! Crack open your green beer, dress yourself up in four leaf clovers, and . . . yeah . . . I can’t think of a third thing since, like most people. I tend to spend my St. Patty’s days completely wasted because it’s time to dig in to the “Pot O’Gold.”
How a Bunch of Corpses Saved West Side Story
“Vote for ME!”
Surprise! Sue is still using her national political campaign to try and screw over Glee club. This time, she does it by attacking the school’s production of West Side Story, which, of course, stars ONLY Glee clubbers. After getting McKinley High parents all riled up, by broadcasting the show’s $2,000 plus budget on the local news, she then incites them to lash out at Principal Figgins . . . kind of like this lady is doing . . .
(This was my favorite part of the entire episode, by the way . . . I have a feeling I will be using this GIF A LOT, in the future.)
Since Principal Figgins almost always caves quickly and easily to Sue Sylvester Pressure . . .
Hmmm . . . I wonder why?
. . . New Directions soon finds itself without a school play . . . unless, of course, it can raise the $2,000 on its own. Mister Schue suggests that the kiddies sell ad space in school publications to raise the missing funds. “But WHO will buy the ads?” You might be asking yourself.
“Oh, please let it be someone cool . . . pretty please let it be someone cool.”
Enter the ever-adorable Burt Hummel, and his merry band of morticians / funeral directors. (I’m guessing Burt’s Auto Body Shop offers a two-for-one special on fixing hearses?)
)This looks like an advertisement for the Hair Club for Men . . . )
Doh! So much for “cool” . . .
These men decide to front the cost of West Side Story, because . . . well . . . a lot of characters die in the play. So, basically, it’s like One Big Fat Funeral Home Commercial!
Yay, Death!
The aforementioned exchange (along with some nagging from Will) prompts Burt to enter the political arena, and challege Sue for the congressional seat, as a Pro Arts Candidate. Of course, Burt appears on the Sue’s precious local news program, to announce his “write-in” candidacy. You GO, Burt!
Is that really Kurt’s dad? I almost didn’t recognize him without the baseball cap . . .
Speaking of hats . . .
The Dorky Hat Dance
Who are the dudes in the background? Do they even go to this school?
In completely (and I mean completely) unrelated news, Blaine performs “Last Friday Night” with the rest of New Directions, while wearing an extremely dorky hat.
He does this to “unite” the Glee clubbers, after the untimely loss of Mercedes from Glee club, which has seriously dragged on the group’s spirits of late. You know, because nothing brings teenagers together like stories of public intoxication and alcoholic blackouts . . .
“No kidding . . .”
Unfortunately, rather than bringing the group together (though most of them seem perfectly happy to rub up on one another, throughout the song), the musical number has the unintended consequence of making Finn jealous of Blaine (probably, because he could never pull off a hat like that) . . .
“And he still looks attractive . . . amazing.”
. . . and Santana to become extremely annoyed at him (because she ALSO could never pull off a hat like that, but also because she assumes that Blaine and Rachel will now share all of New Directions’ solos, just as Rachel and Finn did, last year).
This prompts Santana to quit Glee club, and join Mercedes in Shelby Corcoran’s group, where the solos are a-plenty, and the members who pee standing up are a-zero.
But could Santana ever REALLY leave her lady love Brittany floundering all alone in an extra curricular activity, without her? PERISH THE THOUGHT!
This reminds me . . . did I mention that Santana and Brittany are “officially and item now?” Because they are! At some point during the hiatus, Santana and Brittany have apparently progressed in their relationship to eating shrimp cocktails together at Breadsticks (Santana pays, of course), and holding hands underneath napkins.
Even better is the fact that they leave little love notes / daily affirmations in eachother’s locker from their favorite pets . . .
I hereby would like to start a campaign to nominate Lord Tubbington for an Emmy. Who’s with me?
In Fox TV land, this is practically the equivalent of marriage . . .
But let’s get back to the Lucky Charms . . .
That’s One Horny Leprechaun!
New Irish Exchange Student, Rory Flanagan, wants to make friends . . . badly. He figures that if he does, maybe he’ll stop getting pushed into lockers, every five seconds. Fat chance considering you’re about to join New Directions. These people practically live with their backs up against the lockers, and their hair covered in red slushie. But, more importantly than that, Rory wants to get laid . . . by anyone, really . . . but specifically by Brittany, at who’s house he is currently staying.
My goodness! It’s yet another stupid hat. Was there some kind of two for one special in the wardrobe department?
Fortunately, Brittany thinks Rory is a leprechaun. And, apparently, she’s always really wanted to screw one of those . . . which is kind of disturbing, actually. (Then again, this is the girl who once created a campaign poster featuring Kurt Hummel being “ridden” by a unicorn.)
What a horny girl!
So, Brittany promises Rory that, if he grants her three wishes, she will show him her “pot of gold.”
“Does that mean what I think it means?”
Now, I suspect, is supposed to mean her . . . um . . . Happy Place. However, knowing Brittany, could actually just mean her favorite . . . gold pot . . . or some really quality reefer. Nonetheless, this is a risk Mr. Leprechaun is willing to take. In fact, he even sings about it, performing a rendition of “It’s Not Easy Wanting to Bone Brittany Being Green.”
It was all right, I guess. But I liked it better when THIS guy sang it.
Brittany’s first wish is to have a box of Lucky Charms made entirely of marshmallows . . . a wish that Rory the Leprechaun can grant easily enough, because . . . you know . . . he and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun go WAY back.
Magically delicious!
Her second wish is a bit more tricky. She wants her pet cat to poop chocolate. (Doesn’t everybody?) Rory cleverly uses a bit of trickery (and some Baby Ruth bars) to satisfy this second wish. And then he and Brittany “eat the poop” together.
OK . . . now that’s just gross.
Santana uses up Brittany’s third wish, to get her to quit the Glee club, and join Shelby Corcoran’s all-girl singing group, the Troubletones, which, up until this week, only featured Mercedes and the tone-deaf, Sugar. However, it recently added the ever-fed up with her lack of solos, Santana to its roster. Brittany is clearly upset with her girly girl’s choice of wish.
But, far be it for her to disobey a leprechaun . . .
What really seals the deal though is Finn’s absolutely MORONIC attempt to get Brittany back onto New Directions, upon hearing from his new “friend,” Rory, what Santana has done. “You are an idiot,” Finn tells Brittany.
Uh oh! Finn, we all know what happened to ARTIE, when HE called Brittany stupid.
So, yeah . . . off she goes to join the Troubletones.
Once there, Brittany and the rest of the group dress up like Old-Fashioned USO girls, and sing Christina Aquilera’s “Candyman.” There performance is undoubtedly something the old hardass Vocal Adrenaline coach, Shelby Corcoran would have hated. But, since Shelby is a completely different character now a mom now, who’s a bit more kind-hearted, when it comes to these things, she loves it.
MORE stupid hats . . . I can’t believe it!
Later, when Finn comes to apologize to Brittany for calling her an idiot, Rory reminds Brittany that he has now granted HER three wishes, since Finn is now totally cool with her leaving New Directions. Recognizing that Finn is not REALLY happy at all, and is just putting on a brave face, Brittany comes to the sudden realization that (horror of horrors) leprechauns aren’t real.
Ruh roh! It looks like Rory’s days of digging through Brittany’s Pot of Gold are over, before they even started . . .
But hey! At least now he can stop wearing green, switch to McKinley high’s token color, red, and . . . wait for it . . . join New Directions.
They even let him sing a song to welcome himself to the gang, “Take Care of Yourself.” I thought it was just OK, but Rachel apparently thought it was “magically delicious.” Go figure . . .
Elsewhere in school . . .
How to Quiet Your Baby (and satisfy your cougar)
Quinn commandeers Puck in her villainous plan to get Shelby to lose custody of Baby Beth, so that she can get her back, and have something else to look forward to in her future, aside from being really, really pretty for the next 15 to 20 years.
At least she had cool hair, fun minions (the Skanks), and an ironic Ryan Seacrest Tattoo . . . Psycho Killer / Baby Napper Quinn just bugs me. (But I really like her wardrobe!)
I mean, how exactly do you redeem a character from a horrible arc like this, aside from giving her a Life Altering / Brush with Death experience? In other words, if I were Quinn I wouldn’t be (1) going to the doctor; (2) getting into a car; (3) or pretty much leaving the house at all for the rest of the season. Just sayin’ . . .
The plan begins, cleverly enough, with Puck and Quinn buying Shelby some concealer, and subtly telling her she looks like crap, because she’s been spending too many late nights with the baby. The pair then offer to babysit, and give her the night off.
Shelby complies, and, while she’s away, Quinn starts planting all this Bad for Baby crap in her house. She doesn’t go so far as to get Beth taken away from Shelby, but not for lack of trying. In fact, she even calls child services on the Glee club teacher’s ass, but they are conveniently “backlogged,” and can’t do anything about the alleged child abuse. (Nice, right?)
Cut to Shelby getting Puck a pool cleaning gig, and Puck feeling super guilty about how he helped Quinn ruin Shelby. So, Puck visits the teacher’s house to remove all the Bad for Baby Items planted therein. Once he’s done with that, Puck and Shelby share a moment, over how terribly lonely being a single mother can be. *gag, snort, puke* When Beth starts throwing a temper tantrum, Puck immediately makes her stop crying, by singing a bad 80’s song, “Waiting for a Girl Like You,” which he accompanies on his guitar.
Clearly, Beth has lousy taste in music . . . But, then again, so does Shelby, because she’s looking at Puck now, like she wants to swallow him whole. Puck takes advantage of this “sure to help me get laid” moment, by grabbing Shelby’s hand, looking deeply into her eyes, and telling her that he will be there for her, whenever she needs him . . . always.
Shelby must buy it, hook, line, and sinker, because, at the end of the episode, the pair makeout.
Ahhh . . . just what prime time television needs, yet another, vaguely inappropriate student-teacher relationship, in which the actor who plays the student is only actually a few years younger than the actor who plays the teacher, and actually looks about the same age as her or him. We’ve never seen that before. No sir!
And that was “Pot O’Gold” in a nutshell. So, tell me, my fellow Gleeks. What did you think of the episode? Are you already a Rory fan, or do you, like Santana, wish that he would just “do everybody a favor and disappear?”
Are you shipping Shelby and Puck? Do you wish Lord Tubbington stopped smoking? Are you digging the Troubletones? And finally, where do you think I could get a ridiculous hat, like the one Blaine was wearing in his performance of “Last Friday Night?”
Speaking of Blaine, next week, it seems like he will cash in Kurt’s V-card, while Finn cashes in Rachel’s (though hopefully not at the same time, or in the same room, because that would just be weird).
“Like a Virgin?” NOT ANYMORE!
You can check out the promo for The First Time,” here:
(That’s funny . . . I’ve always suspected that Finn was terrible in bed. As it turns out, I’m right. Go figure!)
[Note: For those of you looking for a Gossip Girl Recap for “The Fasting and The Furious,” check back around this time tomorrow (October 26th) and it should be up by then. Sorry for the delay! :)]
NUCKY: “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the most badass of them all? I am, because I beat the crap out of my own brother in the Garden Room.”
JIMMY: “I scalped some old dude in his house, while forcing him to eat a Native American Breach Cloth.”
NUCKY: “DOH!”
Let’s be honest. Many of us watch gangster dramas for the WHACKINGS. . .
Not THAT kind of whacking . . .
Sure, we might pretend to be all “evolved and mature” about these shows. We might even talk a good game about how impressed we are with the “adult things,” like the “cinematography,” and the “symbolism,” and the “character development.” Yet, in reality, most of us are just secretly waiting for the moment when the character we always knew was a goner anyway, gets murdered in a highly creative and equally disturbing way . . .
And a good gangster drama doesn’t just whack people, wily nily. There’s got be a build up to the murders . . . some anticipation . . . and longing. So, when the killing actually arrives, you, the viewer, feel rewarded . . . like you’ve earned it. In short, gangster dramas treat whackings, like teen dramas treat kisses between soulmates. Technically speaking, both should happen ALL THE TIME, in EVERY episode. But because they don’t . . . and because you are taunted and teased with the prospect of them, each week, when they DO happen, it is a true Thing of Beauty.
That’s what “Gimcrack and Bunkum” was to me . . . a true Thing of Beauty. Sure, it had good “cinematography,” “character development,” and Richard Harrow being lifted out of an existential crisis by a dog, who tried to eat his “face” off. But more importantly than all of that, it had two truly spectacular whackings . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Public Speaking 101
“I’m picturing all of you naked, right now . . . especially you, Jimmy *winks*”
It’s Memorial Day in Atlantic City. What better day to publicly humiliate a World War I veteran, right? Apparently, this is what Nucky thinks, when, after saying a few words about the brave men, who fought for his country, Nucky decides to call Mr. Man of Few Words, Jimmy, to the stage for an impromptu speech, and the reading of the names of some dearly departed soldiers.
Jimmy is clearly neither that confortable, nor that experienced with public speaking. And this, undoubtedly, is precisely what Nucky was counting on, when he made this tactical political and psychological maneuver. Nucky’s silent message to his former protege turned nemesis is clear: If you can’t even make a simple speech in public, how can you possibly run an entire city? At first, Nucky’s plan seems to have paid off. And we watch for a few uncomfortable moments, as Jimmy shakes, sweats, and blinks silently at the waiting crowd.
“I will not puke on the podium . . . I will not puke on the podium . . . I will not puke on the podium, and if I do, I’ll be sure to puke on Nucky.”
But then something happens to Jimmy, as he stands on that stage. In those few seconds, he transforms from the runty kid, whose father didn’t care about him, and who’s mother used to inappropriately make out with his winky, into a soldier.
And though Jimmy’s words, may be just as politically motivated, as those of his predecessor, they ring true, in a way that Nucky’s did not, simply because he IS a veteran. So, when Jimmy talks about fighting for his family and for America . . . and when he pauses in the reading of the names to remark on a fallen soldier he knew personally, we believe him, and find ourselves eating out of the palm of his hand, just like the rest of the watching crowd.
I’ll never understand why people choose “blowing brains out,” as their preferred method of suicide. I understand that it’s more error proof than taking pills, or drowning, or shooting yourself in the heart. But really, I can’t think of a more awful and grotesque way to send one’s self out of the world. Can you?
So, already, I’m watching this scene through my fingers, hoping we won’t have to see the actual Brain Explosion. (They never show it on TV. But that doesn’t ever stop me from fearing that, one day, they will. This is HBO, after all.) Fortunately, for us, and Richard, some adorable, but slightly mangy looking dog, interrupts the suicide attempt to play fetch with the Poor Guy’s face mask.
If you look closely at the dog, he sort of looks like he’s got a mask on one side of his face, similar to Richard’s. YAY for parallels (and for adorable mask-eating, suicide preventing dogs)!
Now, realistically speaking, you would think that the guy who was about to explode his FACE with gun powder, would no longer have much use for a face mask. But Richard decides to put off offing himself, to chase the dog, anyway . . .
Richard eventually loses the dog. But all that running, and NOT killing himself, has made him tired. So, he chills out by a tree for a bit. It is there he is discovered by a creepy, but ultimately well-meaning, hunting dude, and another guy who may be his dad, or just an elderly friend of his.
Just a bunch of guys . . . chilling out . . . chewing off the heads of rodents . . .
These two dudes invite Richard to their little bonfire to drink booze and feast on squirrels. I’ve never seen a roasted squirrel before. And it surprises me how much they look like pink versions of the Geico Gecko, when de-furred.
“Please don’t eat me. I give good rates on car insurance.”
It’s gross . . . and sad. But not as gross and sad, as a headless Richard. So . . . yay for that . . . I guess.
Oh, and the dog’s there too . . . with Richard’s mask, which now looks a bit more like a doggy chew toy, than half a face. If I were him, I would have rinsed it off with the alcohol, before putting it back on. Because, really, who knows where that dog’s mouth has been? Anyway, apparently, the dog does not belong to either of the two men. Rather, he is a SOLDIER *cough symbolism / foreshadowing cough*, and a fighter, who survives, by living every day, as if he is at war.
Richard Harrow’s new mascot.
One of the guys who found Richard might just be a little psychic, since he somehow seems to know instinctively that Richard came to the forest to kill himself. He lectures the younger man, about how these woods are FOR LIVING . . . Yeah, dude . . . tell that to the roasting naked squirrels . . .
Judging YOU . . .
All sarcasm aside, I’m glad Richard decided not to blow his brains out, and that he has found a new purpose for his life . . . More on that, in a bit.
Meanwhile, back at Vegetable Commodore’s house . . .
Never Mess with Old People Carrying Canes
One of these two men will be minus one scalp by the end of the episode. Bet you can’t guess which one!
Jimmy and Eli are meeting with those Old Dudes, led by Uncle Junior from the Sopranos . . .
When did Uncle Junior turn into Santa Claus?
. . who are none too pleased with them, about their 70,000 having recently been eaten up by that fire Owen Sleater set last week, at Mickey’s distillery. Jimmy tries to reassure the men, that the money will be forthcoming. But with the Commodore no where in sight, the men are becoming restless, and suspicious about the safety of their investments. When one particularly ornery old man in a wheelchair publicly suggests that the Commodore is either dead or dying, Jimmy mouths off at him, causing the dude to whack him in the face, with his cane.
It was kind of funny. I’m not going to lie. Like most Old Dudes, this one thinks that Young People, like Jimmy, need to learn to respect their elders. And he is going to beat that respect into every last youngster, if it is the last thing he does.
Silently seething, Jimmy storms out (probably so his mother can kiss his winkie and make it better). Eli follows after him, to yell at him for not keeping his cool, and to warn him that, without the Commodore, the two of them are pretty much screwed. Jimmy doesn’t really think he needs advice from Boardwalk Empire’s version of Fredo, and tells Eli as much.
Later, while Jimmy’s Mommy is cleaning his wound, she not-so-subtly tells Jimmy he shouldn’t take this being caned, lying down. “We will not be respected . . . Do what needs to be done,” she scolds him.
Of course, as we learned from last week, when Gillian Darmody tells you to do something, you DO IT. Because she has a really nasty right hook . . .
Just ask THIS GUY . . .
Speaking of women (and men) not to be trifled with . . .
“Hey Bro, sorry about the whole Betrayal Thing . . . wanna wrestle?”
Nucky comes home from a strenuous morning of kissing some lawyers’ asses to find, much to his dismay, that Margaret has let his brother into the Garden Room. Eli’s totally working this Fredo angle, hardcore. He’s crying and blubbering, and begging Nucky for forgiveness. His nose is so far up his brother’s butt, that it’s practically popping out of the older man’s mouth.
After making a few cracks about how the lord distributes his gifts unequally (Yes, Nucky, clearly, you got the looks in the family.) . . .
. . . and hearing Eli admit, both that he knows the names of the men testifying against Nucky, and that the Commodore has had a stroke . . .
. . . it really does seem that Nucky is going to take pity on his brother, and let him back into his inner circle. And . . . then he doesn’t. Nucky boldly asks his brother to get on his KNEES AND KISS HIS FEET. Eli seems genuinely shocked. I suspect he really thought this was going to work out.
“But . . . you have really smelly feet!”
Next thing you know, the two middle-aged men are wrestling on the floor . . . and, suddenly, I’m having flashbacks to that episode of The Sopranos, where Tony and Bobby Baccala started beating the crap out of eachother at the Lake House.
Ahhh, brotherly love . . .
It’s kind of awesome, and unintentionally hilarious at the same time. But then the men start grabbing for concealed weapons, and I’m genuinely beginning to get worried about their safety.
But wait . . . SOMEONE has just put a rifle to Eli’s head, and it’s not Nucky. It’s . . . wait for it . . . MARGARET!
My hero! Holy crap! This woman has done it again. She leads a shocked Eli out the door, with a simple and calm expression of a single word. “Enough.” And I’m pretty sure Eli just crapped his pants.
Once he’s gone, Nucky has the NERVE to tell the woman who just SAVED his ass, that she should have LOADED the gun, before she shoved it in Eli’s face. HELLO, by the time she LOADED the gun, you’d probably have brains seaping out of your ears, ASSHAT! A simple “thank you,” would have sufficed. Just sayin . . .
Those are some BUSY prostitutes . . .
Later that day, the Attorney General, Nucky’s lawyer, and that Senator Guy we keep seeing, pop by to explain, once again, how those election fraud charges SHOULD eventually be dropped against Nucky, once the case is removed to federal court, on account of the federal prostitution charges that are ALSO cleverly being lodged against Nucky. And yet, we’ve spent so MUCH time on the rather technical legal nuances of this storyline, that I can’t help but wonder whether all of this is going to end up blowing up in Nucky’s face.
Nevertheless, the same whores who initially got him out of State court, are back to bone the Attorney General and his pals in Nucky’s by-now-surely-disease infested “study.” Part of me thinks, the only reason they keep showing these ladies is so that Boardwalk Empire meets it’s weekly Boobie Quotient . . .
Speaking of Boobies . . .
Dangerous Maid Gets Dangerously Laid
O face . . .
Margaret awakens in the middle of the night, to the sound of a scream. She runs into Maid Katie in the hallway, who claims she hasn’t heard a thing. Later, of course, we learn that the scream came from Katie, who has been boning Owen, down the hall . . . Way to go, Katie! Now, Margaret’s not the only lady with a little Irish in her, if you catch my drift . . .
By George, he’s got it! (And by IT, I mean a wrench in the face)
“May I have this dance?”
Eli is hanging out with one of his 85,000 kids, when Alderman George comes by, asking some surprisingly on-point questions about the Commodore’s health. In fact, the Alderman wants to go down to the Commodore’s house, to make sure he’s not a vegetable, or something. Eli assures George that the Commodore is fine. But George isn’t buying it, and threatens to go back to Nucky, if Eli isn’t honest with him.
So, Eli freaks out, and crushes George’s windpipe with his monkey wrench.
Well, that’s not good! Now, George is definitely going to go to Nucky . . . if he’s ever able to speak again. Eli can’t have that, so he hits him with the monkey wrench in the face . . . again . . . and again . . . and again.
Batter up . . .
Remember earlier, when I was talking about how I never wanted to see what someone’s head looks like, after it’s been blown off. Well, now, I know what someone’s head looks like, when it’s been smashed to bits by a monkey wrench. And, let me tell you, it’s not pretty. For those of you who have never seen something like this, I’ll attempt to provide you with the necessary visual. Imagine drop-kicking a watermelon . . .
I’m just glad, Eli sent his kid away, before he did this. Talk about being traumatized for life.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong. But wasn’t George supposed to be one of the alderman meant to testify against Nucky for Election Fraud. Well, that should make things interesting . . .
Anywhoo, Eli gets his second in command, to help him carry George’s body to his car. And then Eli buries the poor schlub on the beach. Oh Fredo-Eli . . . you are SO getting whacked on a fishing boat, sometime soon . . .
Scalp and a Haircut . . .
Back at the Darmody house, Jimmy shares a sweet moment with his wife . . .
JIMMY: “Just pretend you are making out with that woman you were cheating on me with, last season.”
ANGELA: “Cool, and you can pretend you are making out with that woman you were cheating on ME with, last season.”
JIMMY: “Which one? My mom?”
ANGELA: “THE OTHER ONE!”
. . . before having an even sweeter one, with Richard. (As awful as Jimmy can be sometimes, you’ve got to admit, his bromance with Richard is just adorable.) When Richard comes home late, Jimmy instinctively seems to know that something SERIOUS has gone down. “I should have gone with you,” Jimmy tells Richard, when the latter claims to have “gone for a walk.”
Jimmy then asks Richard to go on job with him, because even Veterans, apparently, don’t get the full day off on Memorial Day. “Would you fight for me?” Richard asks, looking to his companion, much like a son seeking approval from his dad.
“Right down to the last bullet,” Jimmy assures his friend, rubbing his head, in a rather paternal way, much as we suspect Nucky used to do to HIM, back when he was a child.
Now, we’re at that Old Dude’s House . . . you know, the one who clocked Jimmy. He’s looking at some Native American Breach Cloth, and making some not-very-PC comments about Native Americans to his butler, specifically, referring to their penchant for public nudity, and belief in magic. Once Old Dude is alone, Jimmy and Harrow appear, in front of him. Jimmy straps the soon-to-be-dead guy down to show him, that he is “not to be disrespected.” “I’m going to teach you something, now” he says maniacally.
Then Harrow appears from behind. “And who the hell are you?” Old Dude asks.
“I’m a soldier just like that adorable dog that tried to eat my face,” says Harrow triumphantly, as he grotesquely scalps the Old Dude, and, in doing so, brings meaning back to his life.
[For those looking for a recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” it’s on it’s WAY! I just have to load a few more Delena-centric gifs ;), and rework some photo captions. Best case scenario: it should be up early this afternoon. Worst case scenario, it should be up by 7 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) There’s nothing wrong with being a little “fashionably late,” right? ;)]
“Say cheese, all you miserable people from Dan’s book!”
I’m going to break tradition by beginning this recap with a personal anecdote. (I promise you it’s at least partially relevant to this recap.) Here goes . . . I’m a novelist . . . definitely not a famous one, and, possibly, not even a particularly good one. But, still I (self) published two novels.
And when I did, everyone who knew I published them, inevitably wanted to know if any of the characters in either of the books was based on them.
This is despite the fact that one of my books was about warlocks, and the other one was about a vampire. (Not exactly memoirs.) Once the people in my life found out that the books were NOT about them, their next inevitable SUGGESTION was that I write the NEXT one about them. To this I would always respond some variation of “HELL NO!” And this episode of Gossip Girl is precisely why . . .
“This book is like the perfect second child I never had . . . We’re just going to pretend Jenny doesn’t exist, OK?”
Good stories require deeply flawed characters . . . the more flawed the better. No one wants to read a book filled with Mary Sues. As a result, writing a GOOD book about your friends is the quickest way to lose them. It’s as simple as that. (Besides, all my friends are absolutely perfect, and have no flaws, whatsoever. ;))
It’s TRUE!
Additionally, from personal experience, I can tell you that most books written by a first time novelist take anywhere from seven months to a year to write, sometimes longer. I only say this because, despite the fact that Dan the Donut might have claimed that he never planned for anyone to read his book, NO ONE works on something for close to a year, just so they can keep it to themselves . . . Just sayin . . .
“Money? Fame? GIVE ME MORE, NOW! EWWWW GROSS!”
But enough about me. Let’s talk about “Memoirs of an Invisible Dan.”
How to Lose Friends and Alienate Upper East Siders
We open up the episode with what I believe is the first of many “flashbacks” to scenes from Dan’s book. The scene features Dan, er, I mean “Dylan,” walking through a sea of old fogey well wishers at his book party, without a friend in sight.
“All by mysellllf (surrounded by old people) . . . don’t wanna be, all by myself (surrounded by old people), anymoreeeeeeee.”
The REAL Dan wakes from his reverie to hear his new publisher’s assistant babbling on about his upcoming book party, during which he will be revealed as the anonymous author of “Inside.”
“Would you just shut up about my book, for a second, so that I can show you my awesome Elvis impersonation? Thank you . . . thank you very much.”
Hmmm . . . so let me get this straight . . . at the end of “Inside” the Dan character publishes a book similar to “Inside,” which is actually similar to the Gossip Girl books, on which the Gossip Girl show is based?
Excuse me, I think my head just popped off trying to wrap my brain around all this . . .
Don’t worry . . . I’ll put it back on . . .
Dan continues to assure the publisher’s assistant that the Dylan character in the book is NOT actually him. And yet he’s frightened to tell all his friends about the book, because the Dylan character’s friends in the book are almost exactly like THEM, with some key changes. You know, as the apparent “voice of his generation,” Donut Dan sure isn’t particularly creative, now, is he? If he REALLY didn’t want his friends and family to know this was a memoir, he might have tried . . . I don’t know . . . being a bit more inventive about his character’s names . . .
“Coming up with character names is HARD.”
Here are the characters’ in Dan’s book:
Dan Humphrey = Dylan Hunter
Blair Waldorf = Claire Carlyle
Serena VanDerWoodsen = Sabrina VonSomething
Nate Archibald = Derek VonSomething (more on that later)
Chuck Bass = Charlie Trout
No . . . actually . . . you’re Charlie Trout. Didn’t you read the book?
For one thing, it would make the inevitable defamation lawsuits a lot easier to defend against . . .
Dan finally relents, and asks for six copies of his book, so that he can deliver them personally to his so-called friends, only some of whom actually know how to read . . .
DOH!
Elsewhere in town, Blair is complaining about her ever-growing pregnancy boobs . . .
And I have to say, whatever the makeup and wardrobe department are doing with Leighton Meester to make her look pregnant (whether it’s the oddly flat hair, or the tired eyes, or the slightly paler skin, or the not entirely flattering dresses ), it’s WORKING. 🙂 (Don’t worry, Blair! We still think your gorgeous. If you weren’t, every single solitary male character on this show wouldn’t be madly in love with you.)
“Yes, I know. I’m awesome.”
Where was I? Oh yes . . . Blair’s boobs . . . Cue Louis-bot to rise up and fondle said tatas mechanically, as he makes a not particularly funny joke about Blair’s bad moods not being related to pregnancy hormones, since Blair always suffers from mood swings, anyway. (Real nice, Douche!)
“How else can I make you feel extremely uncomfortable about your pregnancy? Ooh! I know, I can squeeze your boobs, while making honking noises.”
In Louis-bot’s defense, most of the robots I know can barely get through a simple knock-knock joke. So, are far as cyborgs go, his sense of humor is fairly advanced.
“I am a comedic genius! (Take that, R2D2!)”
Blair worries that Louis’ parents won’t respond well to her pregnancy, and that she will end up on some trashy reality show, like Unwed and Pregnant Princesses or Royally Screwed. (In other news, MTV has just added two new reality shows to its line-up.) Louis assures her that his parents will be THRILLED that she’s knocked up, since they have always viewed royal women as nothing more than Future-King Making Machines, anyway. Heaven forbid, she actually gives birth to a girl! Off with her head!
(Don’t worry! I won’t post the Decapitation Picture, again!)
Meanwhile, Serena is totally rocking at her job, and completely impressing her new boss. Clearly, we must have stepped into an Alternate Universe of some sort, where Serena actually has Life Goals.
“Wait a second, did you just call me a smart cookie? Am I being punked?”
Of course, her most impressive feat is getting Daniel Day Lewis’ people to call her boss back, on possibly starring in a movie, just by sending him flowers with the script, or something. Yeah . . . something tells me “flowers” wasn’t the only thing Serena sent Daniel Day Lewis. Then again, maybe “flowers,” is a euphemism for something else . . .
“Hey Mr. Lewis, wanna see my flower?”
Meanwhile, Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side Diana, and her Flying Monkey Nate (not to be confused with Chuck’s Monkey, of course), are busy plotting World Domination, and raping the cell phones of Manhattan’s elite . . .
“That Anthony Weiner guy is HILARIOUS!”
Of particular interest to Diana is the cell phone that USED to belong to Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, since she suspects the owner of that cell phone is the key to a BIG story of some sort. Diana also wishes she had Blair’s and Serena’s phones. Unfortunately, for her, apparently, there are some things even a Flying Monkey won’t do. And one of those things is screw over your friends . . . both of whom, coincidentally, Nate has already screwed.
It should come as no surprise to you that my favorite scene in this episode, features none other than that Dynamic Duo, Chuck and Blair, as they “coincidentally,” meet up with one another, on their way to the Non-Judging Breakfast Club Book Club Meeting Dan has arranged.
. . . it was kind of refreshing to see these two former (and future) lovers, reunite, so soon after that epic devastation, and fall right back into the easy comfortable flirtation that embodies their one-of-a-kind relationship. Of course, Chuck was walking his new best friend, Dan Monkey, at the time. And watching the three (well, four, if you count Blair’s unborn baby BASS, BASS, IT HAS TO BE A BASS Louis-bot) together, I couldn’t help feeling as though I was looking at the future first branches of the new Bass family tree . . .
“Blair, I know you want to have sex dance with me, but we have to go meet Dopey Dan about his book.”
This becomes even more apparent, when Chuck drops his carefree facade to ask Blair, in earnest, how she is doing. In response, Blair instinctively clutches her stomach, where her unborn baby lies, before telling him that she is doing well.
“You take good care of that Little Bass-tard. Do you hear me?”
The moment is at once, sweet, subtle, and meaningful, as it illustrates the ever-lasting connection between Chuck and Blair, one that supercedes petty jealousies and paternity tests. At this point in our story, Chuck is convinced that he will never again experience the joy of having Blair as a lover. And yet he still cares so deeply for her, that he is willing to put his own personal heartache aside, in order to ensure her continued happiness.
Comfortable comraderie and witty banter give way to electric chemistry, and hidden longing, when Monkey starts trying to escape Chuck’s grasp, causing Blair to “accidentally” jump into Chuck’s waiting arms. The usually confident Chuck is adorably shy in this scene, mumbling something about squirrels, as he tries to reign in his impulse to kiss this beautiful soon-to-married woman on the mouth.
Blair too seems temporarily caught up in the moment, and is a bit breathless, when she finally extracts herself from Chuck’s grasp.
It’s time for Dan’s Big Meeting, where he finally tells everyone (except Chuck, who already knows) that they are the stars of his book.
Dan wants all of them to read what he wrote in a SINGLE DAY (selfish much?), so that they can decide whether they still like him enough to attend his book party. At first, we don’t get too many details, except for the tantalizing tidbit that, for some reason we will learn a bit later, Dan has decided to make Nate’s character GAY . . .
Nate seems surprisingly cool with this, provided his character is portrayed as being highly adept at getting dick. And if the little clip / daydream / flashback we got of Nate and his LOVER is any indication, our resident boy toy was portrayed faithfully in that regard. (Though, admittedly, Nate’s book beau does seem about 10 years younger than the people Nate USUALLY dates.)
He IS pretty hot, though . . .
By the way, watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of THIS . . .
Certain that she will be portrayed horribly in the book, given the pair’s checkered past, Blair is unusually icy and insulting to Dan, even for her. And if I said this didn’t make my Chair loving heart sing, I’d be lying.
“Cheers!”
She actually calls Dan’s book “America’s Next Doorstop,” (which is pretty clever, by the way). She also bails on his party, to meet with Louis’ parents, and tells Dan that she’s not even going to read it. OUCH!
The not-at-all-conceited Serena promises Blair that “everybody loves a villain,” but only because she’s certain Dan will portray her as the perfect little innocent flower that she still honestly believes herself to be.
Speaking of people who live in a bubble, Faux-Charlie somehow convinces Nate that she can find the owner of that phantom cell phone, who is DEFINITELY NOT her, NO SIR!
“I NEED my cell phone back, without it, I’ll never remember what my name is supposed to be today.”
After the meeting, everyone starts finding out what Dan wrote about them from others, but few of them actually READ the book. You know . . . because reading is like . . . hard . . . and stuff. Silly Serena has no qualms about telling her coworkers that she is the real life “Sabrina” in Dan’s book, because, like I said, she’s positive she’s going to come out of this smelling like a rose. But then, she learns that her character smells more like poo, and wishes she wasn’t so hasty to reveal her identity.
“Sabrina” is slutty, flighty, often drunk, irresponsible, selfish, and self-absorbed. Now THAT doesn’t sound like anybody WE know, does it? In fact, “Sabrina” / Serena is apparently portrayed like such a worthless waste of life, that DANIEL DAY LEWIS doesn’t want to work with her BOSS, even though Serena bought him FLOWERS!
Riiiight . . . because famous actors always make their decisions on what movies they plan to do based on how many people the production company assistants for those movies have had sex with!
Complete lack of believability aside, Dan pretty much ruined Serena’s BIG AMAZING TWO WEEK LONG CAREER with his totally true piss poor betrayal of her in his book.
“Oops. Did I do that?”
You know who else’s life is getting ruined by Dan’s book? BLAIR! Because Dan apparently used his “memoir” to live out his NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN wet dreams of bedding the Queen Bee. When Louis-Bot reads this, he TOTALLY malfunctions, believing what he’s read, INSTANTLY, without even asking Blair if it’s true. (What a loving future husband? Right?) This short circuit in his Perfect Prince Microchip causes him to cancel his parents arrival, during which he was supposed to inform them about the pregnancy, and storm off like a toddler, much to Blair’s horror.
“You do realize the douchier you are to me, the shorter your guest star character arc will be.”
Meanwhile, Dan’s hanging out with Chuck and Monkey, while worrying (with good reason) about how everyone is going to react to his book.
I tend to find Dan at his most tolerable, when he’s hanging out with Chuck. These two are just adorable together. And I love how utterly non-judgmental Chuck is about . . . well . . . everything! “Scotch?” Chuck offers, as Dan cuddles with Monkey (but doesn’t spank his own, thankfully).
“It’s 2 p.m.” Dan whines.
“Valium then,” Chuck responds coyly.
Dan then notes that while his dad is probably finished with the book, Nate is only page 20. I actually think that is a harsh assessment. I think, by this point, Nate probably finished the book, from cover to cover. Then, once he didn’t find any pictures, he put it away, and went back to reading Curious George.
“Ahhh, Curious George! I love that little scamp!”
Dan, of course, is wondering why Chuck, of all people, is being so nice to him, considering he KILLED HIM IN THE BOOK!
Oh wait . . . it gets worse. Do you want to know HOW DAN KILLED CHUCK? Well, they don’t exactly come out and say it, but based on context clues, I’d say it has something to do with a little thing called auto-erotic asphyxiation.
I’m not going to describe that to you in depth, because this site has already been labeled as having adult content, without me telling you what that is. But you can go ahead, and Google it, if you dare. All you need to know, if that Chuck’s character’s death in the book was “accidental,” even though he SEEMS to have hung himself in his closet by a belt. (Chuck claims, in real life, he would have used a designer scarf.) Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, kiddies?
Don’t cry , Chuck! We don’t believe anything that bad man said about you!
By the way, was anyone else wondering how DAN came up with the idea to make auto-erotic asphyxiation a plot point? Hmmm . . .
Anywhoo, Chuck reminds Dan that all success comes at a price, including his own . . . wise sage words, for a guy who’s alter ego is currently hanging in the closet next to the Armani suits . . .
Speaking of “only up to page twenty” Nate, Dan’s assessment of him was actually pretty close to correct, since, instead of reading the book, Nate was busy allowing Faux-Charlie to steal back her own phone from Diana’s office. This, of course, ultimately led to Diana putting two and two together about who Charlie was, and blackmailing her for information about the Upper East Side crew, in exchange for keeping her secret. It looks like Diana won’t need Nate to get intel on Blair, Chuck and Serena, after all . . .
“I’ll get you my pretty. And your little Ivy / Charlie / Call Me Serena too . . .”
But back to Nate, I’m starting to think he really might NOT actually be able to read, as Chuck had to explain to him that his alter ego, a gay character named Derek VonSomething, who’s two years younger than the rest of the characters, and Serena’s character’s little brother, is actually much more Eric VanDer Woodsen, then he is Nate Archibald . . .
“You put me in your book, Dan? I’m going to get REVENGE on you (but only because I left Gossip Girl to star in a show called REVENGE)!”
I think it’s kind of funny, that Nate’s character is probably the most positively portrayed of all the characters, yet he’s pissed because he has to share him with Eric! “But I’m YOUR BEST FRIEND!” Nate whines on the phone to Dan, before his Mommy comes to change his poopy diaper.
This is probably one of the few times during the hour, when I’m actually on DAN’S side. And when Nate balks at the notion of showing up at his supposed best friend’s book party, I can’t help but kind of wish that Dan hung Nate’s character in a closet, at the end of the novel . . . well . . . I guess Nate’s character would probably hang OUTSIDE of the closet. But that’s neither here nor there . . .
Worst Book Party EVER!
“But Serena, when I said you were flighty and irresponsible, I only meant like 98.6% of the time. The rest of the time, you’re fabulous.”
All the poo really hits the fan at Dan’s book signing party, where Serena and Blair confront Dan to rip him a new one for their portrayals in the book. Then, Dan has to try to stop Louis-bot and Blair for coming to blows with one another over the little Dair sex scene he included therein. “I thought my suspicions about the two of you were ridiculous. But, it turns out, the only thing ridiculous is me,” bleats out Louis-bot.
Well, he’s right about one thing. . .
Dan earns some major points with me, by admitting to Louis that said sex never actually happened . . .
And earns some more points, by informing Serena that the world doesn’t revolve around her, when she completely IGNORES the turmoil that HER friend is undoubtedly going through, regarding the impending breakup of her marriage, as a result of this book. “If you can’t tell the difference between what I did to Blair, and what I did to you, then maybe all that stuff about you in the book actually IS true,” says Dan.
Slight redemption aside, Blair isn’t about to let Dan off the hook so easily for humilating her in this way. “You better hope I can stop your fantasy life from destroying my real one,” she tells him. And then later, she says, “Get it through your head, There is no US! There never was! All we had was friendship! And now there is not even that.”
“And for the record, Dan Humphrey, I’ve seen FANFICTION writers who are better at writing smut than you.”
Woah! Meanwhile, outside, Chuck is calmly trying to hit on the publisher’s assistant, who is really quite awful, isn’t she? I mean she really knows how to make a person feel like crap.
“The economy is never going to get better. The world is doomed for all eternity. And you are going to die, alone and unloved. And so is your dog. By the way, my name is Alexandra. Nice to meet you.”
Alexandra casually remarks about Charlie Trout’s auto-erotic demise, wondering how long he hung in the closet, before anyone found him. “I have plenty of staff. I’m sure they would find me rather quickly,” explains Chuck. “Because . . .”
“Staff . . . not friends and family? That’s even worse,” replies the EVIL WENCH.
Excuse me? Do you not realize you are talking to a REAL person about their LIFE, you DESPICABLE SHREW! You know what, Alexandra? If YOU were hanging in the closet, something tells me YOUR so-called friends and family would throw a party RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE.
Did I go too far? Sorry . . . I get very sensitive about my Chuck Bass.
Speaking of Chuck, he totally saves the day (though I kind of wish he didn’t), by rushing out to tell Louis what a MORON he is, for letting go of a girl like Blair . . .
“If you read Dan’s book, you know how I turn out. You have a chance to be happy, and not end up alone, hanging in a closet. Don’t give up you’re own fact for someone else’s fiction.”
WOW! That was really beautiful. And I must admit, it made me a little teary . . .
You know what else made me teary, when Chuck came to Lily toward the end of the episode, and admitted that he didn’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy anymore, and that he feared that Blair was lost to him forever . . .
I must admit, I was a bit annoyed at Lily for simply AGREEING with him, though. What is this, Make Chuck Want to Kill Himself Day?
Things start to go slightly better for the OTHER members of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, when Serena and Blair share a sweet heart-to-heart, in which Blair FINALLY tells Serena she is pregnant. And the pair remind us why we’ve always loved their friendship so much, in the first place. (Yes, I make fun of Serena A LOT. But I do thoroughly enjoy her friendship with the rest of the GG gang. See, I’m not a total heartless bastard.)
“You may be flighty, irresponsible, selfish, and slutty, but I LOVE YOU!”
Then Louis-bot apologizes to Blair, as he always seems to do in the last five minutes of every episode, after he inevitably does something douchey . . .
It’s not his fault, of course. This is just how he’s been programmed to behave by the mad scientist who created him . . .
Commence battery recharge . . .
Then, Serena’s boss tells her that she wants her to get the movie rights to “Inside,” which, honestly, we all should have smelled coming a mile away. (Hmmm . . . I wonder if Blakey Lively will play the part of Sabrina?)
I said the Non-Judging Breakfast Club was doing better at the end of the episode, but that doesn’t include Dan. In fact, Dan’s OWN FATHER is incredibly hurt by HIS portrayal in the novel. Dan wrote him as a money-grubbing trophy husband, which, while not entirely false, is actually a quite terrible thing to say about the person who raised you . . .
“I’ll only forgive you, if you get George Clooney to play me in the movie.”
Granted, Rufus never struck me as the smartest dad on the block, but compared to some of the other fathers on teen television, he’s practically a saint. And he really didn’t deserve this kind of treatment . . .
The episode ends, much like it began, with Dan Humpty Dumpty doomed to follow in his character, Dylan Hunter’s footsteps, loved by the masses, but still utterly alone. And because that’s an awfully depressing way to end an episode, I’d like to leave you on a much brighter note . . .
[ Brief Note: Recaps for Gossip Girl’s “The Jewel of Denial” and a Boardwalk Empire’s “A Dangerous Maid” should both be up on this site before Midnight, U.S. Eastern Standard Time. This is what I get for trying to write two recaps at the same time, as opposed to being smart PATIENT, and just choosing one . . . I blame Chuck Bass and his adorable new puppy, Monkey, of course. ;)]
Damon . . . you’ve got a little something on your face. I’m just going to lick it off, OK? You don’t mind, do you?
Reverse psychology . . . it’s the notion that the best way to get someone to do ONE thing is to make him THINK that you want him to do something else. Parents have been using this strategy to manipulate their teens for CENTURIES. Why? Because it works. Simply put: teens like to rebel. It makes them feel more grown-up, independent, and, of course, BAD ASS . . .
Now, THAT’S what I call Bad Ass. I miss you, Elijah!
This week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries was all about rebellion. There wasn’t a single character on the show, who wasn’t trying to rebel against SOMEONE’S unreasonable expectations of them. It’s just too bad more characters aren’t adept in the use of reverse psychology. If they were, I suspect things would have gone a lot smoother for our friends from Mystic Falls . . .
“Sure, NOW you tell me . . .”
Let’s recap, shall we?
(P.S. Special thanks, as always, go out to screencapping genius that is my good pal, Andre.)
Wake up! Time to Shop!
“If I don’t see tents in your pants, I’m not buying it . . . Well, actually, I only want a tent in Stefan’s pants. If my brother gets a tent, I might puke up that security guard I just ate.”
Original Vampire Rebekah has been napping for ninety years. So, of course, as soon as she wakes up, she wants to go shopping. (I would probably prefer to catch up on all the good television I missed. But that’s just me . . .) In a scene that’s mildly reminiscent of the Shopping Sequence from Pretty Woman, Rebekah tries on dresses from some swanky Chicago store, while Klaus and Stefan get Day Drunk on champagne, and take turns patronizing her, for sh*ts and giggles.
“These champagne glasses are AWESOME!”
Rebekah is a bit of a “fish out of water” here, having missed out on the modern day joys of trance techno music and short slutty dresses. It’s a bit ironic to watch a girl who likes to eat people in public for fun exhibit moral indignation at the concept of wearng a dress that lands above the knee.
Klaus glibly remarks that people wore pant suits in Rebekah’s day, so that women could dress like prostitutes today. But, honestly, the dress she had on was NOT that short . . . In fact, considering that Rebekah’s last memories stem from the Age of the Flapper, you would think that she’d have seen much shorter dresses in her first life time . . .
But hey, what do I know?
The last time Rebekah saw Stefan, the pair were LOVERS. They were SUCH MAJOR LOVERS, in fact, that the Original Vamp was willing to defy her psychopath older brother to stay with Stefan. So, understandably, she’s confused and a bit hurt by Stefan’s seeming indifference toward her.
Hey Rebekah . . . I have some reading material I think you might enjoy . . .
“I can always tell when you’re lying, Stefan,” Rebekah pouts, when Stefan boredly informs her that the dress she is wearing (which is AWESOME by the way . . . seriously, where can I get myself one of those?) is simply “nice.”
“I’m sorry. I’m currently only capable of being turned on by women who look like Nina Dobrev. Perhaps if you put on a brunette wig.”
Ummm . . . actually Rebekah, EVERYONE can always tell when Stefan is lying, because he’s an AWFUL LIAR.
The only one who can’t seem to tell is Klaus. And I’m pretty sure that this is because Klaus is secretly madly in love with Stefan, and, therefore, fully incapable of seeing his faults kind of like Elena.
Speaking of Stefan’s Fan Club the Original Vampire Brother/Sister Duo, currently, neither of them seem to have any idea, that Stefan regifted Rebekah’s much-coveted Magical Necklace to his last girlfriend, the decidedly not dead Elena. And Elena, despite having been told, in no uncertain terms to F*&K OFF by Stefan, is still, at this very moment, wearing the damn thing . . .
Coincidentally, I’m pretty sure I saw the exact same necklace selling for $10 at Target, this week.
Having already undoubtedly been forced by Elena to watch Pretty Woman about 85 times (He says he loves the Cinderella story, but secretly he just likes to ogle a 20-year old Julia Robert’s rack), since they started dating, an EXTREMELY unimpressed Stefan rushes outside for some “fresh air.” It is there that he runs into a VERY familiar face . . .
“Stefipoo, I see you!”
“Oh, I forgot, you’re ‘bad’ now . . .
I’m pretty sure that the only difference between Ripper Stefan and Good Stefan is that Ripper Stefan uses more gel in his hair . . .
I’ve come to the conclusion that, despite Klaus’ assertions to the contrary, Stefan’s great LOVE of Rebekah wasn’t nearly as EPIC as Klaus or Rebekah would like to think it was. After all, there’s really no love, like your first love . . . or like the love of the girl who looks just like your first love.
The minute Stefan encounters Katherine on a busy street corner, sparks begin to fly. Katherine is doing that smirky thingy she always does when she’s being extra special flirtatious. And Stefan is grinning from ear-to-ear, and has suddenly, and mysteriously, become a VERY CLOSE TALKER.
This time around Katherine actually seems kind of worried for Stefan’s well-being. (My, the tables sure have turned, haven’t they?) She knows all about the Tale of the Phantom Necklace, and hopes Stefan has a more devious plan for getting it back, than merely playing hard to get with Rebekah, so that Rebekah will become insecure of Stefan’s love for her, and sell out her brother, so that Stefan will “like her better.” Here comes that reverse psychology . . .
(By the way, judging by the turn of events at the end of the episode, did anybody else wonder whether Katherine’s and Stefan’s surefire “plan” to attract members of the opposite sex was something that Katherine used on Damon, back when she rejected him during “The Return?” If so, the only thing she got out of it was the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident . . . just sayin.’)
Stefan cockily claims to actually have a more advanced plan. But, since he is a Salvatore, it seems genetically predetermined that whatever his plan is, it will almost undoubtedly suck royally.
Sorry, Damon. But you’ve got to admit that I have a point.
Not that this matters. After all, the mere hint of a diabolical plan to defeat Klaus, once and for all, is enough to practically give Katherine an orgasm. She wants IN and she wants in NOW! But Stefan’s not having it . . . at all. Talk about playing hard to get!
A clearly jealous, and now, pouty, Katherine has some parting messages to leave wth Stefan. “Watch out for that sister [Rebekah]. She’ll RUIN YOU,” the first Petrova Doppelganger tells the younger Salvatore Brother. (It’s funny you mention that, Katherine, because Klaus said the same thing to Stefan, back in 1920.) Could this possibly be an example of FORESHADOWING?
But you know Stefan, he’s “bad” now. And, Bad Guys don’t listen to reason. “I’m glad to know you still care,” Stefan says with a smile, throwing Katherine’s own words, from the beginning of the conversation right back in her face.
Oh yes, Stefan, she DOES care. And in about 30 minutes, you are going to be VERY relieved about that fact . . .
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls . . .
Sexy Kitchen Times with Delena, Part II: Electric Boogaloo
Who knew talking about “chili” could get you so hot?
Back in Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries, one of my first, and fondest, memories of Delena flirting was a now-iconic kitchen scene, in which Damon was joking with, teasing, and just generally rubbing all up on Elena, as the pair did dishes, following a Gilbert Family Dinner.
We got another taste of that this week. And, if I’m not mistaken, it’s probably the FIRST TIME we’ve seen Elena smile ALL SEASON!
You see, this episode’s Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week, is nothing more than a LAME party at Tyler Lockwood’s house. Seriously? Couldn’t they be a bit more creative than that, like holding a Mystic Falls Bacchanal, or something of that nature. I suspect Damon Salvatore is the kind of guy that could really be down for a Bacchanal . . .
Despite the fact that the ENTIRE TOWN seems to be invited to this damn thing, it’s also apparently a Pot Luck Lunch event. So, Elena has decided to bake chili, in its honor. And because all vampires (despite not having the need to eat) generally have manificent culinary skills, Damon is at her house, helping her find her G-spot do it. . .
“EVERYONE brings chili to these things,” gripes Damon.
But Elena is insistent on her choice of “pot” for the pot luck. “It’s a Gilbert family recipe,”Elena retorts with pride.
“I’ve known the Gilberts for years. And your family has sucky, chili!” Damon replies.
In response to this “devastating insult” to her family’s chili, Elena giggles like a little school girl (a very un-Elena thing to do, mind you), and then proceeds to hip bump / fondle Damon, as the two regard one another with a mixture of amusement and sheer animal passion.
Now, THAT’S the Delena I remember . . . the one that consists of a smarky Damon, and a good-humored, non-judgmental, Elena. Keep it up, Writers!
Of course, now that Elena is being a less judgmental version of herself, new guardian Alaric has to step in and give Damon the STINK EYE for having the audacity to flirt wth Stefan’s girl. (That’s funny, because I never considered Alaric and Stefan to be particularly close. Did you?)
“How come neither of you wants any Chunky Monkey? I’m starting to feel left out.”
This, of course, prompts Damon to FLIRT EVEN HARDER, by cleverly remarking that the reason he has not left Elena’s side since the Big Bad Chicago Vacation, is because he’s very much hoping to make sweet, sweet love to her, on top of her kitchen table he fears she will eventually”crack” from Stefan’s recent dumping of her, and eventually come to need sexual psychological help from Dr. Damon. As proof of this, Damon notes the fact that Elena is still wearing the vervain necklace Stefan gave to her.
“What do you say, you and me ditch Papa Ric here, and go up to my room, where I can show you all the different places you can, ahem, put my necklace?”
(I mean, sure, she DOES need a steady supply vervain to prevent vampire compulsion, given all the undead baddies she finds herself face-to-face with, on a nearly weekly basis. But she can get that by drinking the lousy coffee from the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. So, the Necklace Filled with Weepy Now-Possibly Evil Ex-Boyfriend Memories is technically unnecessary.)
With Alaric’s jealous angry eyes on him, Damon whirls Elena toward him and tugs on the vervain necklace, so that the pair only have the thin piece of silver between them. The move is a GOOD one. And it, clearly, has an effect on Elena, who can’t seems to stop staring at Damon’s mouth (which she REALLY wants to kiss), or his chest, (because she REALLY wants to rip off his clothing.)
Nicely played, Damon, my man . . .
Speaking of males and females that not-so-secretly want to bone one another . . .
What, no Ghost Sex? I feel robbed . . .
“He looks so peaceful. I wonder what he is dreaming about?”
“OH! Cool!”
Jeremy Gilbert is lounging around in bed, having a wet dream about his dead girlfriend Anna, when POOF, she appears in bed next to him. Now THAT is the coolest super power EVER! Unlike the past few episodes where Ghost Anna merely stares at Jeremy moonily, utters some words of warning about Vicki, and blinks out of existence, this time, Anna actually TALKS to Jeremy.
“You have no idea how glad I am to see you. Heaven has NO hot guys, whatsoever. I guess they all end up in Hell.”
Jeremy subsequently responds, and the two actually have an EXTENDED conversation . . . one that probably makes Jeremy sound TOTALLY schizophrenic to anyone happening by his room, at the time. It turns out, Heaven, or wherever the heck it is that Anna ended up, is TOTALLY lame and boring. And so, my personal favorite of all of Jeremy’s girlfriends, both alive AND dead (The chemistry between these two is really smokin’) is thrilled to have a lover on Earth, who can hear her, and possibly even satisfy OTHER needs she might have . . . ahem.
So, everything is going absolutely great . . . until Bonnie has to return from her Summer Away from Mystic Falls, thereby ruining Ghost Sex for the rest of us. Gee thanks, Bonnie . . . or should I say, the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock.
“That man-stealing, B*tch! I am so going to haunt her ass.”
On their second meeting Jeremy gets a bit more information, both about why Anna keeps stalking Vicki. (“Everytime she appears, I sense a darkess in her. I’m worried for you” . . .)
Umm . . . I think I know where that “darkness” came from . . .
. . . what causes her to appear, (“I can only appear when you are having sexual thoughts thinking about me, and are open to it.”) . . .
“You know what they say about guys with big hands . . .”
. . . and what sort of fun things they can do together, now that she’s back. (Despite the fact that Anna is a ghost, Jeremy finds that he can FEEL her touch — OH HELL YES!)
HANDGASM!
Unfortunately, Jeremy starts to feel slightly guilty, when Anna keeps popping up, every single time, he’s with Bonne (who’s relationship reminds me more of brother / sister than boyfriend / girlfriend, for whatever reason). And so, after a freak incident, in which, the ghost who Anna claims is Vicki, set fire to a few Bennett spellbooks, putting both Bonnie and Jeremy in danger, Jeremy decides to FINALLY come clean to Bonnie about the whole, “I see dead people,” thingy.
“Actually, I just lent her my copy of The Sixth Sense, and sent her home, so that I could go back to ghost f*&king Anna.”
This causes Poor Anna to begin to fade away, or more accurately, melt, a la the Wicked Witch of the West. She calls out to Jeremy in tears, begging him not to shut her out of his life, so soon after they both found one another again. But alas, either he can’t hear her, or pretends not to do so.
“Jeremy! You have to talk to me! I can’t go back there! I keep getting hit on by this creepy witch named Luka.”
No matter . . . something tells me Anna won’t stay “dead to Jeremy” for long. And when she DOES reawaken, my Big Dreams for TVD Season 3 Ghost Sex will be promptly renewed . . .
Elsewhere in town . . .
Douchey Daddy Strikes Again . . . Sort of
“Do you think it’s weird that the two of us have the exact same haircut?”
Renewed besties, Damon, and the artist formerly known as Lizard Forbes, walk together through town, as they make cheesy jokes about Papa Forbes, the Big Gay Right Wing Vampire Racist. Damon thinks it would be a great idea to kill this BASTARD, who, last week, thought it was a GREAT IDEA to try and BURN HIS OWN DAUGHTER to a crisp, in hopes of teaching her “discipline.”
“Stop it Dad, or I’m going to tell Mom you snuck out to that Celine Dion concert on the first night of your honeymoon.”
“Liz” is strongly against this idea. He’s still Caroline’s father, after all. Plus, she still sort-of / kind-of understands where the guy is coming from, considering, not-too-long ago, SHE was contemplating doing something similar.
“Thankfully, I negotiated a clause in my contract this year, which requires that my character NOT be an evil daughter-killing wench . . .”
“Just because you and are on good terms now, doesn’t mean I approve of your [vampire] lifestyle, Liz cautions.
“Is that what you told him, before you two got divorced?” Damon snarks.
Annnnd the vampires = gay people metaphor cheesy jokes just keep on coming . . .
Down in the same dungeon where Daddy-o was keeping Caroline last week, Liz Forbes is now storing the not-so-proud papa, himself. Damon does a quick taste test on him to see if he is on vervain.
“Now I can see the resemblance between you and Caroline. You TOTALLY taste like her.”
He isn’t. And so, he compels him to forget everything that happened last week, and simply leave town.
“Peekaboo! I see you!”
Sounds good, right? Well, it turns out . . . not so much. But more on that later . . .
Switching Salvatores and “Taking a Beat”
“Coincidentally, if you do plan on boning Damon, I have some GREAT six tips, I’d love to share with you.”
You know those sitcoms where, for an entire episode, all the supporting cast members tell the about-to-couple couple NOT to couple . . . and then they don’t listen, and decide to couple anyway? Well, that’s pretty much what this week’s episode of TVD felt like (Though, without the happy desired ending.)
It all started with Caroline wondering whether Elena was switching Salvatores, having noticed a generalized flirtiness and chumminess between Elena and Damon of late. It makes sense that Caroline, of all people, would be one of the first (aside from Alaric, of course) to notice this, given the equally sexually tense “friendship,” she and Tyler shared, before the pair started boning one another’s brains out. You can always count on Caroline, not to beat around the bush.
“Come ON, Elena! We all watched ‘The Hybrid’ episode . . .”
Elena isn’t quite ready to admit to herself how hard she is clearly falling for Damon (and has been for some time now). So, she merely continues DENYING, DENYING, and DENYING (at least at first) by claiming that Damon has just been “helping her, through the whole Stefan, thing . . .’
Yeah, here’s hoping he helps her with whole “celibate, since Stefan left,” thing too, sometime soon . . .
“See how this water runs down my chest and into my nether regions . . . that could be you, if you play your cards right.”
Elena’s wishy-washy initial response aside, Caroline, having not had the best dating experience with Damon in the past, herself, warns Elena about getting involved with him in that way. Meanwhile, the newly judgy Alaric is in DAMON’S ear, telling him how INAPPROPRIATE his recent coupleyness with Elena has become. And HE would know. He sleeps next door to Elena, and probably hears her call out to Damon in his sleep. (Dreams, don’t lie, after all!)
“Damon . . . try to remember all the good times we’ve had. Why would you possibly give up this Chunky Monkey for some girl?”
“I think you should take a beat,” Alaric tells Damon, regarding his buddy’s less than subtle pursuit of Elena. (Yeah, Alaric now uses phrases like “take a beat,” because apparently, he has temporarily switched personalities with a square guest star cop from some bad seventies sitcom.) Damon, of course, is super hurt that Alaric wouldn’t trust him to protect Elena, when that’s pretty much all he’s been doing for over the past two seasons.
Well . . . almost all he’s been doing . . .
Uh oh, Alaric! You may have just inadvertently sparked a Salvatore Brother Rebellion . . .
“I’ll show him! Elena, come have sex with me. NOW!”
When your necklace starts BURNING YOUR SKIN, and spontaneously combusting, that’s probably a good sign you should THROW IT AWAY!
“My boobs are killing me. If I didn’t know vampires couldn’t procreate, I’d be really worried I might be pregnant.”
Back in Chicago, Stefan looks on with his incredibly bad POKER FACE, as Witch Gloria tries to spell the location of “Elena’s Rebekah’s missing necklace.” As she chants, back in Mystic Falls, said necklace starts doing weird crap, like BURNING ELENA’S skin, and floating in the air, and temporarily bursting into flames. Elena reluctantly agrees to give the necklace to Bonnie, so that she can do a magical witch autopsy on it, and trace it for EVIL BUGS.
“It’s just a hickey guys. I really don’t know why you are getting so upset over this.”
Meanwhile, Gloria claims to KNOW where the necklace is, or at least, who has it. And yet, for whatever reason, she decides to stall for time, telling Klaus and Co., she’ll have the necklace whereabouts for him shortly. But, for now, they must leave . . . “You guys are harshing my juju,” Gloria complains.
“Who are you calling a juju? I was raised Protestant.”
Neither Rebekah or Klaus appreciate being told what to do by a mere witch. However, Stefan who suspects Gloria might be purposefully holding something back, something that could be useful to HIM, convinces the brother/sister duo to exit stage left. “Come on. I’ll let you choose who we eat,” he says.
“And by that, what I really mean is that I will let you stick it anywhere.”
Apparently, when it comes to bringing people (and vampires) together . . . there’s no tool quite as powerful as drained corpses food . . . aside from sex, of course.
Speaking of sex . . .
Bondage Stefan . . . He’s BAAACK!
“First the Tomb Vamps and now THIS! What did I do to deserve this terrible treatment? Oh, that’s right, I’ve MURDERED over 1,000 people.”
When Stefan excuses himself from eating some chick, Klaus assumes he’s off to “brood” or “write on a wall” or something. But, really, Stefan wants to see Gloria about the necklace. This is fitting, because Gloria wants to see Stefan too.
“So many hair care questions to ask . . . so little time.”
In case it hasn’t been made clear up to this point, Gloria REALLY wants that necklace back. And she knows that Stefan knows where it is. And if Stefan won’t give up that information voluntarily, well, she’s just going to have to extract it from him . . . literally . . .
“When the director described this scene to me, I really thought I would enjoy it more.”
Cut to the next scene, where Stefan is all oiled up and nakey and strapped down to a table. (Did a woman or gay man, write this episode? I THINK SO!) You know when we first met Gloria, I thought she was going to be on “our team,” because she had flirty conversations with Damon, and cool hair. Well, I GUESS NOT!
Now, she’s slitting Stefan’s wrist to “collect his essence,” clamping his arms with weird bracelets, to prevent him from healing, giving him headaches, Bonnie Bennett-style, and lathering vervain all up on his naked chest, porno movie-style. Yet, despite it all, Stefan refuses to talk . . . And it REALLY sucks that he’s such a terrible liar. Because such a skill would inevitably come in handy, in this instance.
Plus, as it turns out, Gloria doesn’t actually NEED Stefan to talk, because his “essence” is doing it for him. (Seriously? What kind of hippy bullsh*t is that?) Cue the Stelena MONTAGE! Now, it’s as if Gloria just watched all the “previously on” parts of The Vampire Diaries episodes, from Seasons 1 and 2. She knows EVERYTHING . . . from the fact that Elena is the Petrova Doppelganger. To the fact that Stefan is pretty much FAKING his friendship with Klaus to protect Elena, to how much Stefan luuuuuuuuuuuves Elena.
“My essence really needs to shut the f*ck up!”
Well, this is annoying! So, of course, I cheered when BAMF Katherine STAKED GLORIA’S ASS, and killed her dead. (Actually, I cheered the fact that Katherine saved Stefan. I actually felt like Gloria and her bad juju should have stuck around a little while longer. She was COOL!) My only complaint, to this effect, was that Katherine didn’t then decide to jump his bones, considering he was all naked and waiting. But, hey, we can’t always get what we want. Right?
Well, THAT was kind of anti-climactic!
Speaking of not getting what you want, Katherine finds just this out, when, after all that, Stefan STILL refuses to let Katherine in on his big bad Klaus killing plans. He does give her some crucial information, however, As it turns out, part of Stefan’s “plan” involves locating the Big Bad Vampire Hunter Klaus seems so very afraid of, and getting HIM to do the dirty work for him.
Now, Katherine has what she needs to start her OWN mission. So, THERE, Stefan!
Speaking of couples I ship . . .
Forwood Sex Revisited . . . for about two seconds.
“Why are you wearing red? I thought we decided we both hated the color red?”
Perhaps, to apologize to us for the blatant lack of Delena, Kefan, and Jeranna sex we got in this episode, we do get one kind of random, but still adorable Forwood scene, amidst all the vervaining, and necklace grabbing, and hot-chili making. Tyler comes home all hot and sweaty and red tank toppy from running or football practice or whatever, to find a perfectly coiffed Caroline lying on his bed, patiently awaiting his return. As it turns out, she’s hiding from her father, who just so happens to be conveniently immune to vampire compulsion, and therefore, hasn’t left town as Damon instructed. (More on that later.)
“Take me, you Big Bad Teen Wolf, you!”
I love the wide-eyed excitement on Tyler’s face, when he sees Caroline in his bed, and just KNOWS he’s about to get lucky.
*insert cartoon noise of eyes popping out of head*
Teenage hormones and lupine urges aside, Tyler manages to be the sensitive boyfriend, by listening to Caroline talk about how she STILL loves her dad, despite the fact that he pretty much abused her in the worst way possible, and is a TOTAL asshat. Tyler knows all about bad dads, and can relate.
He pulls Caroline’s head into his chest, affectionately. And she breaks the spell, by remarking on how skanky his workout clothing smells. (Hey! Nobody’s perfect right?) Fortunately, the stench isn’t enough to keep Caroline from ripping off Tyler’s tank top and beginning to have her way with him, right on his bed.
That’s one of the things I enjoy so much about this couple, put aside all the werewolf / vampire angst, and you’ve got two surprisingly normal, sometimes smelly, teenagers, who occasionally like to use one another’s bodies as scratching posts. It just doesn’t get much more relatable than that.
So, of course, Elena calls Caroline’s cell phone, and cockblocks the pair. “It’s an emergency,” she tells Caroline.
Poor Tyler, I suspect he’s got a really bad case of THESE right now . . .
It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. And, I suspect, it won’t be the last, either . . .
Welcome to my Poopy List, Elena Gilbert . . .
Kill Bill? Not if Alaric (or Caroline) have anything to say about it!
Damon had never been too keen on letting that Turd Bill Forbes live, in the first place. But NOW that he’s vervain immune, showing up at Anti-Vampire Council meetings Uncle/Father John style, and threatening to “out” Damon (and there are those gay metaphors again!), he’s REALLY dead set on eliminating him!
Cue, Judgy McJudgerson Alaric, and his oh-so-annoying pleas to spare Beeeeel’s life. Yeah, definitely not a fan of Alaric, this week, though I’m glad to see him finally taking on some responsibilities in this town. More on that later. Damon, apparently, isn’t either, which is why he KILLS him . . . temporarily, of course. After all, Alaric still has his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, making him immune to supernatural murders, even those performed through natural means, like neck snapping.
So sleepy.
To say Elena is not pleased with this recent turn of events, is the understatement of the century, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” She exclaims frustratedly.
“You’ve been alone with me for practically four episodes and you haven’t once tried to jump my bones. It’s Alaric, isn’t it. Clearly, you’re in love with Alaric.”
Damon patiently (well, maybe not so patiently) explains to Elena that he is a VAMPIRE, and that this is the sort of thing that vampires do . . . well, the ones who aren’t Stefan and Caroline anyway.
“I may look really mad at you right now, but I still want to take you to my bedroom and give you the ride of your life.”
“That doesn’t mean that you have to act like one,” Elena pouts.
It seems that Elena somehow feels this need to prove to her friends that Damon isn’t the “monster” they claim him to be. Possibly so that when she inevitably starts dating him, they won’t give her such a hard time. Say what, Elena? What happened to “I like you just the way you are?” (How soon we forget?)
Elena’s short-term memory loss aside. I actually think it’s a POSITIVE thing for this couple, that Elena obviously has strong enough feelings for Damon to constantly moan and b*tch about every little thing that he does. Sure, she might be going about things the wrong way, by trying to make Damon into a surrogate Stefan. But still, if she DIDN’T love him, she wouldn’t care how he behaved, right?
No? Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
“I am not Stefan! How about you stop trying to turn me into him?” Damon replies, before storming off.
As an aghast Elena glares at the space recently vacated by Damon, as she waits for her not-so-guardian to return to life, Damon enters the Lockwood house, and confronts Bill AGAIN. They each monologue a bit, not saying too much of interest, honestly, except for the part where Bill says that he’s immune to compulsion (particularly Damon’s “lazy” brand of it”), and that he knows Damon would never kill him, simply because he’s Caroline’s dad.
See what I mean about reverse psychology? The next thing you know, Damon is sucking on Bill’s neck, like its a tootsie pop. And part of me is REALLY hoping Damon turns him into a vampire. Because wouldn’t that be the WORST and MOST FITTING PUNISHMENT EVER! SERIOUSLY!
“DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!”
Enter Caroline. She’s mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore. In a scene that’s highly reminiscent of the first time Caroline caught Damon off guard, and kicked his ass, after learning how he compelled her to be his sex slave, back before she became a vampire . . .
. . . Caroline literally throws Damon across the room, to get him away from her evil father.
“Did I miss something here?”
“I’m stronger than you are, Little Girl,” Damon retorts as the too battle it out, or as Damon would call it “girlfight” (There was no hair-pulling involved, unfortunately).
“Yeah, but I’m angrier,” Caroline responds, successfully keeping Damon at bay long enough to shove her bloody arm in her dad’s face to heel him,and get him out of harms way.
Many fans were frustrated by the lack of realism (Yes, we often DO talk about realism on a show about VAMPIRES. Got a problem with that?) inherent in Baby Vamp Caroline so easily disarming Not-So-Baby Vamp Damon, who’s about a century-and-a-half her junior. From my perspective, Caroline was able to take down Damon this time for the same reason she so easily took him down, back when she first turned. Simply put: She caught Damon by surprise. And he underestimated her strength.
Though I’m sure Caroline was VERY mad at Damon for chowing down on her sperm donor, I highly doubt this alone would have been enough to secure her victory. She still kicks ass, though. . .
In short thanks to the daughter he believes is SOOOO evil, Caroline’s AWFUL father got to live happily ever after. Ummm . . . yay?
Seriously, though, kudos to Caroline for having love in her heart, even for those who do not show her love in return. I doubt I could have been as mature as she was, if my dad locked me in a dungeon, strapped me to a chair, stole my jewelry, and tried to BURN me.
Original Rebekah – Vampire Snitch Extraordinaire
Now fully clothed (DARN!), and with Gloria out of the picture, Stefan sneaks off to Klaus’ Dead Family Member Museum, and undoubtedly, begins looking for Elijah, so that he can unstake him, and try to dig himself out of the massively deep hole into which he has dug himself, during the past four episodes.
However, before he can do this, Rebekah finds him. Stefan tries to charm the girl into giving up information about the vampire hunter. But, as it turns out, he hasn’t been all that charming since 1920. (Modern-day Stefan has always had more of an understated, broody kind of charm, anyway.)
It seems that our Cocky Ripper Douche has genuinely over-estimated the power of his weiner. No Stefan. Women you have not talked to in ninety years will NOT betray their brothers, and reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to you, simply because you asked nicely. I’m afraid most of us girls are a bit more complicated than that. And Rebekah, apparently, is no exception.
The poo REALLY hits the fan, when Rebekah and Stefan make out, and Beks asks Stefan if he will ever again love someone as much as he loves the supposedly dead Elena, “Eventually,” Stefan replies.
Remember when I said Stefan was a bad liar? Well, apparently, he’s also not so good at kissing people who he doesn’t believe are his soulmates. And, as you know, Rebekah can ALWAYS tell if Stefan is lying. The Bratty Original is crushed at having been played. So, when Klaus returns to the Dead People museum, Rebekah IMMEDIATELY rats Stefan out for being “against [them]” and asking questions about Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael (Hallelujah! He has a NAME!)
“Oh! SH*T! Well that certainly didn’t go as planned.”
“Haha, fooled you!”
Now, Stefan is up sh*t’s creek without a paddle, because Klaus will most certainly believe his sister over his FAKE brother. Klaus lunges at Stefan, with murder in his eyes.
Annnnnnnd . . . then, we cut to commercial break . . .
The End of a Bromance
So, remember how I told you how Caroline became my HERO this week? Well, she did it AGAIN, by confronting Elena about her OBVIOUS romantic attraction to Damon, and seeming inability to admit it.
Elena woefully notes that “[If I do have feelings for him] (which she TOTALLY does), what kind of person does that make me.” It makes you human, Caroline responds, giving Elena a hug. OH HELL YEAH, CAROLINE!
Coming soon to a TVD episode near you . . . FOR REAL, this time.
You tell her it’s OK to love them both, because it TOTALLY IS! (Especially, if loving them both, involves regaling us Delena fans with a HOT (but prime time channel appropriate) sex scene some time in the future.
A girl can dream, can’t she? Then, Caroline says goodbye to her father, who’s FINALLY leaving Mystic Falls. Hopefully for good. (Good riddens! I HATE this douchebag!) Papa Forbes gets a VERY minimal amount of points for actually thanking his daughter for saving his life. But then, he loses them again, by telling Caroline that because she’s a vampire, she will [never be OK again.]
SERIOUSLY? Why didn’t Damon kill this douchebag, when he had a chance?
Speaking of Damon, he’s back at the Salvatore Boarding House, trying to make amends with Alaric, by offering him a morning class of bourbon and OJ, from when he comes back to life. After all, nothing says, “I’m sorry I murdered you in cold blood,” like a Big Ole Glass a booze . . .
“You killed me,” Alaric exclaims.
“You pissed me off,” Damon replies matter-of-factly, as if this should adequately explain away everything.
“YOU KILLED ME!” Alaric exclaims again, clearly not quite sure whether Damon heard him the first time.
Clearly, Alaric doesn’t yet understand what it means to piss Damon off, despite the fact that Damon has killed him . . . what . . . 85 times, by now. (Yes, I’m exaggerating here. But, I think you get the idea). Oh, and also, Alaric’s ring is apparently on the fritz. It took him much longer to come back to life this time.
Perhaps, there are only so many times you can use this little Get-Out-of-Death Free card before it stops working entirely. Or, maybe the more times you die, the longer it takes you to come back. That sounds a bit like that “universe in balance hoo-ha the witches on this show are always, talking about, right? Whatever the reason is for this recent Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality Anomaly, if I was Alaric, I’d be more than a bit afraid, right now.
In other words, your Chunky Monkey not be able to get you out of a jam, next time around.
But apparently, Alaric, ISN’T afraid. He’s PISSED OFF. And he proves this, by wrangling a position on the Anti-vampire Council.
If someone invited THOSE guys, surely Alaric can come too . . .
But he’s not a Founding Family member, you say? Well, perhaps, not. But he IS Elena’s and Jeremy’s sole pseudo guardian / surrogate Gilbert. He’s also one of the few folks in Mystic Falls who doesn’t secretly have a supernatural child (at least not one that he knows about), making him a fairly non-biased representative of Team Human. Did I mention that he has a vampire killing weapons arsenal that would make Buffy the Vampire Slayer blush?
Now, don’t get me wrong, after watching Alaric drink himself stupid, and be depressed (with weird hair) for a couple of episodes, it really is nice to see him buck up and take a stand to help his town. I just REALLY hope Alaric doesn’t become the new vampire hating Uncle/Father John Gilbert. We all know how things turned out for him . . .
When One Road Trip Ends, Another Begins . . .
Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Vampire Katherine (who must REALLY be wracking up those frequent flier miles), impersonates Elena again to get her precious MAGICAL vervain necklace from Bonnie. She then shows up at Damon’s door, giving the poor guy the impression that she’s Elena coming to apologize for all her Alaric-murdering judginess.
“Trouble-in-paradise already?” Katherine inquires with a smirk, when Damon makes moves to accept “Elena’s” apology.
Katherine wants Damon to go on a roadtrip with her, but she won’t tell him where. I suspect the destination has something to do with this Vampire Hunter Michael of whom Klaus is so petrified. Girlfriend is even willing to DRIVE, something, which I suspect she doesn’t offer very often.
Feeling a bit rejected by his Mystic Falls pals, of late (and with good reason, considering the episode he’s had) Damon readily agrees to road trip with the OTHER Petrova Doppelganger.
Rest assured, Vampire Hijinks and probably some Car Sex will ensue!
Elsewhere, Stefan wakes up in a truck, to find Klaus homoerotically watching him sleep (No big surprise there.). Knowing he’s in BIIIIG trouble, Stefan starts yammering out a speedy apology / explanation / lie about the whole “Rebekah thinks I’m about to betray you” thing. But Klaus doesn’t seem mad at all. Just amused.
“You look so pretty, when you are petrified.”
He knows that Stefan is hiding a secret from him. And that secret is in Mystic Falls . . . which is where Klaus and Stefan are too now, once again . . . having arrived, quite fittingly, just minutes after Damon and Katherine, Stefan’s (and Elena’s) would be saviors have skipped town . . .
RUH ROH!
SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT:
Next weeks trailer looks juicy, and by juicy I mean bitey . . . specifically Stefan it seems to suggest that Stefan is being forced (possibly by compulsion?) to chow down on Elena’s neck? Is it to early to predict a DAMON-Y speedy return and subsequent Elena rescue? All fingers crossed!
You can check out the trailer for “The Reckoning” here:
END OF SPOILER
So, what did you all think of “Disturbing Behavior?” Was it sufficiently disturbing for you? Did either Alaric or Tattletale Rebekah get on your nerves this week? Are you Team Bonnie or Team Jeranna?
And, perhaps most importantly, are you as ready for Elena to FINALLY switch Salvatore Brothers as I am? Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.
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