GAME OF THRONES: Breathers Unite! (Recap S7: Ep 5)

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

Holy exposition episode, Batman! Let’s see, we got the legitimization of Jon’s Snow’s birth, Cersei’s pregnancy, the triumphant return of That Rowing Guy, and Littlefinger getting exposed for shadiness again (possibly on purpose?). We’ve also got characters moving all across the GOT map at implausible speeds . . . folks that haven’t seen one another in SIX SEASONS . . . magically reuniting to spread tidbits of intel like Fedex packages. But most importantly, we’ve got a small, but scrappy, army of randomly assorted fan favorites heading North of the Wall to go fishing for a zombie to give Cersei as an early Christmas gift.

Let’s do thing, shall we?

Bronn is still alive, and he wants his castle, dammit!

In a turn of events that is sure to surprise absolutely NO ONE, Bronn and Jaime survived their Dragon Evading Synchronized Swim Routine from last week. So, they will both live to be snarky with one other for at least another episode.

Bronn, for his part, is too macho to admit to Jaime that he saved his life, because he likes hanging out with him. So, the mercenary blames his heroics on good old-fashioned opportunism. “I’m not going to let you die until I get my f*&king Castle,” Bronn quips.

Aww, don’t be sad, Jaime. Bronn is just playing hard to get. But seriously, after saving your and your brother’s butts countless times over seven seasons, all the man wants is his own uncomfortable chair. Is that too much to ask?

RIP Rickon, Brickon, whatever your name is . . .

Literally across the lake from Bronn’s and Jaime’s Bromantic Rendezvous, a concerned Tyrion surveys the charred wreckage of the Lannister army left in Drogon and the Dothraki’s wake. Meanwhile Dany speaks with the few Lannister army survivors, offering them the ability to retain both their lives and their freedom, if they pledge fealty to her. “Join or die,” she tells the men, more or less.

Most of the men bend the knee without question, because they see Dany’s Dragon chilling out about five inches away from where they are standing, and they aren’t stupid. Papa Tarly though . . . he’s kind of stupid, so no kneeling for him. (Sidenote: I totally recall Papa Tarly getting burned to a crisp by Drogon in last week’s episode. Guess it was just some other old bald guy. Either that, or I’m psychic like BranBot3000, and “predicted” how this guy would ultimately bite it, a week in advance.)

Dickon wants to die with his dad because of honor, or something. Or maybe the poor sexy dumb-dumb is just tired of people always getting his name wrong. Tyrion warns Dany against the bad PR that may result from her effectively murdering the entire Tarly house. In doing so, he conveniently forgets that the Tubbiest Tarly remains alive, well, and shoveling poo over at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive.

But Dany will not be deterred, and so a single dragon burp literally evaporates yet another house on the GOT game board . . . most of it anyway.

I wonder if they pooped their pants before they died?

In which, Lady Olenna gets her dying wish . . .

Jaime eventually returns home to Kings Landing with his tail between his legs, to tell Cersei that they are SO EFFING SCREWED. By way of elaboration, Jaime explains to his sister / lover that the Lannister army has no chance in hell of winning this war against an army of insane Dothraki warriors fighting alongside not one, not two, but THREE GIANT FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS.

Cersei, of course, has never been one to listen to reason and surrender, particularly when we’ve still got a season left of the show. So, she changes the topic of conversation to Tyrion, their little brother turned “enemy combatant.” The siblings’ relationship with Tyrion has always been a touchy with these two, one that Jaime would prefer not to broach. But when Cersei casually brings up Tyrion’s “murder” of Joffrey, Jaime reluctantly grants Lady Olenna’s death wish, by admitting that it was the Queen of Thrones, and not Tyrion, who ultimately caused this beautiful scene to occur . . .

Initially, Cersei refuses to believe that Olenna could pull this off. However, when Jaime explains Olenna’s rationale for wanting Joffrey dead (namely that it would offer then-Queen Margaery a more docile and obedient husband to control in her quest for power), Cersei is forced to grudgingly admit that Tyrion was wrongfully accused.

Game, Set, Match, Lady Olenna, from the GRAVE, no less.

Tyrion still gets credit for the whole “killing his dad on the toilet” thing, though . . . which was also pretty cool.

Hi Drogon, I’m home!

After a long day at work burning people’s faces off, Dany and Drogon arrive back at Dragonstone where Jon is patiently waiting for them. Though the King of the North is still a bit creeped out by Dany’s “kid,” he doesn’t want to seem RUDE! So, Jon extends his hand and gently caresses Drogon’s face, because, let’s face it, having all five of your fingers is overrated. Just ask Jaime Lannister!

Interestingly enough, Drogon doesn’t bite off Jon’s fingers OR burn his face! Instead, the dragon gets surprisingly wide-eyed and puppy like, as he moves in closer to Jon for more neck rubs and kisses. (If you recall, Dany’s other dragons had a similarly docile reaction to Tyrion last season.) Is it possible that dragons are actually kind, cuddly, creatures that are just misunderstood by the world at large?

Or, perhaps dragons are just kind to folks with Targaryen blood . . .

Anywhoo, Dany gets a major Lady Boner over this Jon / Drogon exchange, and is all ready to whip out her phone so she can show Jon an entire album worth of dragon baby pictures for him to coo over. “Aren’t dragons beautiful?” The Mother of Dragons inquires breathily.

“Ummm . . . if by beautiful, you mean totally f*&king terrifying, than yes,” Jon replies, more or less.

Well damn, JON! Haven’t you learned by now that it’s never cool to call a mother’s kid ugly to her face? You have to learn to lie better, and fast, or cave sex is never going to happen for you again!

We interrupt this recap to bring you a message from BranBot3000 . . .

BranBot3000 sees the White Walkers in the promo for next week’s episode, so he sends out a group text to all the other characters in the show about his vision. No, seriously, it literally took about ten seconds for the entire rest of the cast all across the Westeros globe to get this information. The Three-Eyed Raven may not have downloaded emotions or a personality onto his server, but the dude definitely has an excellent cell phone data plan with unlimited text messaging capabilities.

In which, Gilly actually tries to say something important, but Sam Tarley only wants to talk about shit.

When the Maesters at the Hogwarts School for the Old and Unattractive get the text from BranBot3000 about the White Walkers invading Westeros, they naturally dismiss it as spam. This infuriates Sam, who came to Oldtown for the sole purpose of learning how to defeat White Walkers . . . also because he really likes books.

Sam is so mad about the Maesters’ nonchalant attitude toward the upcoming apocalypse, in fact, that he totally ignores Gilly when she casually lets slip what may very well be the most important piece of information ever to be revealed on this show.

In a book Gilly is reading, one that is undoubtedly titled “The Game of Thrones Reddit Page,” she inadvertently discovers that Rhaegar Targaryen (Jon Snow’s secret father) actually got an annulment from Elia Martell, in order to have a secret marriage outside of Dorne to Lyanna Stark (Jon Snow’s secret mom).

You know what that means don’t you, Thrones fans? Not only does Jon have Targaryen blood running through his veins, he might very well also be a legitimate Targaryen, one with a claim to the Iron Throne that rivals that of Dany, herself.

“I don’t care how many times a day the Maester takes a dump! I want to fight White Walkers, dammit!” Sam responds angrily.

Ummmm, Sam? Just because you spend most of your day shoveling feces, doesn’t mean every piece of intel on this show is about poop.

Anywhoo, Sam and Gilly ultimately decide to leave Old Town and return to the North to join the fight against the White Walkers. And if the new time logistics on this show are any indication, they should probably arrive there in about fifteen seconds.

Family Affairs

The Dragonstone crew also get their text message about the White Walkers from BranBot3000 this week. So, Jon comes up with this bizarre plan to get Cersei to put the battle for the Iron Throne on pause, and join the rest of the houses in fighting the Undead by . . . retrieving a zombie from North of the Wall, and offering it to her as a gift?

(Ummm . . . just because Dany made dragons into her pets, doesn’t mean you can make zombies into yours, Jon!)

Anyway, the plan involves Tyrion meeting with Jaime in an effort to grease the proverbial wheel. The problem is that Tyrion and Jaime have been a bit on the outs, ever since Tyrion murdered Jaime’s dad on the pooper. So, matchmaker Bronn arranges a surprise date for the pair underground, under the guise of engaging Jaime in a Dragon Killing Machine training session.

Jaime isn’t particularly thrilled to see his brother, naturally. And the two exchange some harsh words about their now-deceased daddy dearest. Nonetheless, Jaime brings Tyrion’s request regarding putting the war on hold in exchange for a zombie prize to his beloved Queen. Cersei is unexpectedly amenable to the idea, especially if it means potentially getting Dany alone in a room, where she could murder her. As it turns out, Cersei was aware of Jaime’s meeting with Tyrion before it happened, but allowed it to take place for this very reason.

As if those weren’t sufficient bombshells for one scene, Cersei also reveals that she’s currently pregnant with Jaime’s child. But this time, unlike with her other three kids, she’s going to publicly out this one as the incest baby that he or she happens to be.

Jaime is thrilled by this news! (Because they’ve done SUCH a great job at making children in the past.) He tearfully embraces Cersei, who returns the affectionate gesture, but not before threateningly whispering in her brother’s ear, “Don’t ever betray me again.”

Hey Fredo, I wouldn’t go on any fishing trips anytime soon, if I were you . . .

Littlefinger: Pot Stirrer Extraordinaire

In other sibling news, Littlefinger seems to have caught on to the tension between Arya and Sansa, and has decided to work toward alienating the sisters from one another. The first part of the plan involves having the men of the Vale publicly denounce Jon and pledge fealty to Sansa, while Arya is present. Though Sansa reminds the men that Jon is their King and not her, Arya doesn’t feel she defends her brother’s honor firmly enough.

Arya tells Sansa as much when the two meet in their parents bed chambers later that day. Arya then accuses Sansa of secretly wanting to rule the North. It’s an accusation that Sansa not so convincingly denies.

Later that day, Arya spies Littlefinger doing his Littlefinger thing of creeping around and whispering in people’s ears. So, naturally, she decides to follow him around like the good little stalker she is. Littlefinger seems blatantly aware of Arya’s presence, but that doesn’t stop him from paying off a servant right in front of her into giving him a “secret” scroll written by Sansa. “The Lady Stark thanks you for your service,” Littlefinger stage whispers, before hiding the scroll (rather poorly, if you ask me) under his bed.

Arya, of course, breaks into Littlefinger’s room and reads the scroll. In it, she finds Sansa’s letter from Season 1, in which she begged her brother Robb to pledge fealty to then King Joffrey as the true ruler of the Iron Throne. (And we all know how well that turned out for both parties to that letter!)

Now, as viewers, we know that Sansa only wrote this letter out of fear for her life, after witnessing her father’s beheading. But Arya will likely not see it that way, which, I suspect is precisely why Littlefinger arranged for Arya to find this information in the way that he did.

Did Sansa instruct Littlefinger to retrieve the letter out of fear that it’s discovery would harm her potential future claim to the throne as Queen of the North? Probably not. But Arya doesn’t know that . . . at least, not yet.

But when did he stop rowing?

Meanwhile, Davos is on a mission of his own. It’s a recovery mission. Specifically, Davos wants to recover Gendry, aka Robert Baratheon’s bastard son, aka the guy Melissandre once tried to murder, in order to prevent HIS possible claim to the iron thrown, aka THE GUY WHO HAS BEEN ROWING A BOAT FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES.

As it turns out, sometime in the past few years, Gendry stopped rowing and began forging weapons for the Lannisters, waiting out the war for the Iron Throne by hiding in plain sight. Gendry is thrilled by Davos’ offer to go on a suicide mission to retrieve a zombie, because it’s the only way he’s going to get any more screen time on the show, at this rate. So, The Rowing Guy heads with Davos back to Dragonstone, but not before murdering a couple Lannister guards with a hammer like he’s Thor.

(Naturally, the pair, with Tyrion in tow, make it across the globe in approximately two minutes.)

Once in Dragonstone, Gendry, against Davos’ advice, quickly outs his true identity to Jon, who seems to like the guy almost instantly.

In other reunion news, the newly cured of greyscale, Jorah Mormont has also arrived at Dragonstone. He and Dany embrace fondly and reunite for about five seconds, before Jorah also agrees to kill himself in a zombie hunt with Jon Snow! Because, why not?

The rag tag group of warriors then set off on a boat toward the Wall, right when Dany is finally getting the chance to question Jon about the offhand commend Davos made last week about Jon surviving a knife to the heart, and being just a little bit undead himself.

Hold that thought, Dany . . .

Like The Suicide Squad (only entertaining!)

Jon, Jorah, Davos and Gendry make it back to The Wall in about sixty seconds! There they meet with Tormund, who agrees to help them in their zombie retrieval mission, though he’s a bit disappointed that his lady crush, Brienne of Tarth won’t be joining them.

Also on the scene and ready to fight some dead guys, The Hound, who, if you recall, rented BranBot3000’s GOT DVD, and, as a result, knows all about the White Walkers, and his new pals Beric Dondarrion (another fellow un-deader) and Thoros.

There’s some initial squabbling amongst this rag tag crew of would-be zombie fighters, who have multiple grudges against one another for things that happened in prior seasons. But count on Super Diplomat Jon Snow (who is clearly the Captain America of this Avengers crew) to get everybody to play nice with one another.

“We are all on the same side,” Jon explains to his mini army. “We all breathe.”

The episode ends with the freshly-minted Team Breathing heading North of the Wall, Armed and ready to kick some zombie butt, or, possibly, fail miserably and become zombies themselves . . . whichever comes first.

 

ONCE UPON A TIME RECAP: The Passion of the Pop Tart

Cross Posted at Agony Booth.com!

“Back on the Jolly Roger, this is what my crew members liked to call foreplay.”

This week on Once, Captain Hook learns that, contrary to popular belief, the best way to make friends and influence people is not by taking their Pop Tarts and murdering their dads. Also this week, the Evil Queen develops a southern accent for some inexplicable reason, and reconnects with an old flame. Oh, and Belle gets an ultrasound . . .

It’s a very wet, but not particularly wild, episode. So, let’s get to it. Shall we?

We all live in a blue-ish submarine . . .

Once upon a time, Captain Nemo kidnaps Captain Hook from the Jolly Roger and forces him onto his submarine, the Nautilus. Nemo does this, apparently, because he has this magical object aboard his ship that acts as a GPS for Man Pain. And nobody has more Man Pain than the guy with the hook for a hand.

Captain Nemo, an expert on all things vengeance, believes that its super unhealthy for Captain Hook to spend his life seeking revenge against Rumpel for murdering his side piece (who also happened to be Rumpel’s wife). More healthy? Stomping around under the sea in a scuba suit, while trying to avoid being eaten by a giant CGI octopus.

(And this is why you shouldn’t take advice from a guy who shares his name with an adorable cartoon fish with a really bad sense of direction.)

Like all the other guest star characters this season, Captain Nemo has been searching for a key to the Land of Untold Stories . . . a place where he can go to avoid having to face all the people he was a dick to in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.

Helping Nemo to find this key is his first mate, Liam, a guy whose Man Pain Sonar apparently was bleating just as loud as Hook’s, after the murder of his father left him an orphan at a young age.

Hook, Nemo and Liam eventually find the key. Shortly thereafter, though, Hook figures out that Liam is actually his baby brother. This means that Hook is the reason for Liam’s Man Pain, because HE KILLED BOTH THEIR DAD’S! (What a friggin coincidence, right? Of all the Man Pain Submarines 20,000 leagues under the sea, Hook and Liam both ended up on this one!)

Having never been much for confrontations, unless he’s the one starting them, Hook attempts to make a hasty exit from the Nautilus. Unfortunately, Nemo finds Hook before he can do this. Nemo, bless his heart, truly believes that Big Bro and Little Bro can hash out the whole Dead Dad / Orphan for Life thing over milk and animal crackers. But Liam, upon overhearing Hook’s true identity has other ideas. He wants to KILL HOOK BIG TIME!

A scuffle ensues between the Brothers Man Pain. And Nemo, who dumbly puts himself in the center of the fracas ends up mortally stabbed.

This gives Liam extra incentive to hightail Nemo to the Land of Untold Stories, so the latter won’t die. It also gives Hook the incentive to get the eff out of there!

Leggo My Pop Tart!

Though Henry never seemed to have any issue with his mother dating Hook before, this week, he exhibits some plot-convenient “Mom’s New Man is Trying to Be My Dad” angst, when the pirate tosses Henry’s Pop Tart in the trash, and tells him to eat grapefruit and fish for breakfast instead. (Ew?)

Nobody gets in between Henry and his Pop Tarts! Nobody!

This Pop Tart is pissed!

Evil Queen, who seems to have the same Magical Man Pain GPS system as Captain Nemo, appears out of nowhere to take advantage of this new crack in the otherwise perfect fairytale family unit.

Under the guise of familial concern, the Queen reveals to Henry the “Cut of Your Savior-Ness” scissors that Hook was supposed to destroy for Emma, but instead kept poorly hidden in his tool box. (Because Hook is kind of a tool. A sexy tool, mind you. But a tool, nonetheless.)

An enraged Henry then takes the “Cut Your Savior-Ness” scissors himself, planning to finish the job his mother had initially assigned to her boyfriend. Hook finds the teen seconds before he can flush the darn things into the sea. And that’s when the pair get kidnapped by, you guessed it, a blue submarine!

This time, Liam, not Nemo, is piloting the submarine, since the Magical Time Stopper of being in the Land of Untold Stories is no longer around to prevent Nemo’s mortal chest wound from running its course. And you don’t need a Man Pain GPS to tell that this brother is PISSED with a capital P at Captain Hook!

Knowing that Liam only wants to kill Hook, not Henry, and believing there only to be one scuba suit aboard the Nautilus (even though there were at least three just minutes earlier in the episode). Hook gallantly offers Henry the escape hatch back to Storybrooke, while the pirate remains to take his death medicine. (Hope Henry knows how to scuba!)

Fortunately for Hook, Henry must have a Man Pain GPS too, because he only appears to escape the Nautilus, only to return at the exact moment when Liam is about to murder Hook, thereby saving his new father figure’s life. All together now: AWWWWWW!

 

You see, apparently, Henry DOES actually consider Hook to be part of his family . . . he just happens to be a part of the family that steals pop tarts and scissors, and has terrible taste in breakfast foods.

Back in Storybrooke, Liam is rushed to the hospital for the injuries he suffered during his ill-fated attempt to murder his big brother. It is there that Liam is united with another patient at the hospital: Nemo. Apparently, in Storybrooke, mortal chest wounds don’t have to be so mortal after all. Anything, for the sake of a happy ending!

Also in Storybrooke, Henry and Hook, having decided to be a Big Happy Family Again, finally drop the “Cut Your Savior-ness” scissors into the sea togeteher. It’s a slightly better hiding spot than inside Hook’s tool box. But not good enough that those scissors don’t find themselves in the wrong hands by the end of the episode . . .

Speaking of wrong hands . . .

Kiss-Tastrophe

This week hasn’t been a really great one for the Evil Queen. Not only did she fail to drive a permanent wedge between Hook and Henry by taking advantage of the latter’s undying devotion to sugary breakfast foods. She also lost her captive, Jiminey Cricket, to her better half’s employment of the oldest trick in the book: the “oh look over there, it’s a bird” distraction technique.

I would have expected better from the lady who imprisoned an entire cast of characters in a twenty-eight year daily reenactment of the movie Groundhog Day . . .

But things start looking up for the Evil Queen when she retrieves the “Cut Your Saviorness Off” scissors from their crappy hiding place at the not-so-bottom of the sea, and offers them to Rumpel (who wants to use them to cut off Belle’s being pissed off at him . . . or something), in exchange for some Evil Queen / Dark One tonsil hockey . . .

Also in this scene, the Evil Queen reveals her true motivation for the season. It is . . . wait for it . . . to rip out Snow White’s heart.

Ugh! Again! This has been the Evil Queen’s motivation for six seasons. Get a new hobby lady! Just don’t let that hobby be making out with Rumpel, because that was really gross to watch . . .

It should be noted that the Evil Queen inexplicably decided to sport a Southern accent throughout this episode, despite illustrating no evidence of actually being Southern at any other point in her life. Perhaps, she was taking a page out of the Aladdin School of Accents and Acting Playbook, just to spice things up a bit.

Speaking of Aladdin, Emma convinces him not to run away from his girlfriend, just because he was a total coward and cut off his saviorness. Emma is sure that Jasmine will like Aladdin anyway. (I mean, it’s not like he cut off his p$%@s . . .) Aladdin offers to help Jasmine save the kingdom of Agrabah from total destruction. But Jasmine tells Aladdin he can’t . . . because the kingdom has already been destroyed.

What a bad boyfriend that Aladdin turned out to be! Not only is he Sans-Saviorness, he can never be bothered to be on time!

In other bad boyfriend news, Belle has a slight change of heart after seeing her first ultrasound, and decides to share a photograph of the blessed event with Rumpel. Of course, while she’s slipping the photo under the door of his shop, the Dark One is busy contracting mouth herpes from the Evil Queen.

With boyfriends like this in Storybrooke, it’s amazing that the female characters haven’t all decided to become lesbians . . .

 

ONCE UPON A TIME: Aladdin and The Temple of Dude

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com!)

“I hope you have good homeowner’s insurance. Otherwise, this place is a real money pit.”

This week on Once, Aladdin lets Jasmine check out his Man Cave. Hook gets crafty with a pair of Emma’s scissors. The Evil Queen and the Wicked Witch get mani/pedi’s from Goldilocks. And a popular fan theory is swiftly debunked.

Shall we review?

What, no Genie?

This week’s installment of Once finally brought us the bastardized version of Aladdin and Jasmine’s love story, with one notable absence. No Genie . . . which is a real waste, if you ask me. Everybody else got a role, from Jasmine’s doddering zombified father, to Evil Jafar and his pet bird! Even adorable monkey Abu got a small cameo, as a golden trinket that played an important, if silent, role in Aladdin’s first stab at heroism.

However, Good Ole Big Blue must have called in sick from the lamp on the day they filmed this episode. Because it seemed as though Aladdin “Ain’t never had a friend like him.” (See what I did there?)

But I digress. We start our tale in a street market in Agrabah many years ago. There, Jafar turns three thieves into rats, which is a method of crime prevention that would likely be met with approval by one of our presidential candidates. (I’ll let you guess which one.)

“It was cheaper than building a wall.”

Aladdin, not freaked out by this Rat-tastrophe in the least, continues to freely and haphazardly pickpocket while its occurring. He’s stopped by a poorly disguised Princess Jasmine, who thinks that wearing a scarf over her head will prevent the rest of the townspeople from figuring out she’s rich. (This is basically the Agrabah equivalent of Superman thinking no one should recognize him at the Daily Planet, just because he occasionally wears classes and a geeky bowtie.)

“Peekaboo!”

Jasmine wants to “hire” Aladdin to steal something from the Cave of Awesome Stuff called a Diamond in the Rough, which she claims will save Agrabah from Jafar’s tyrannical reign and rat-ification of the entire city’s immigrant population. Aladdin, to his credit, is rightfully skeptical of this poorly-hidden rich person’s invitation to him, a common thief, to enter a Cave of Awesome stuff ripe for stealing. But he goes along with it anyway, because he thinks Jasmine is super hot. (Typical dude, always thinking with the magical genie in his pants, instead of the stuff between his earlobes.)

It should be noted that Aladdin, though admittedly extremely easy on the eyes, sports this bizarre shifting accent throughout the hour, which served, for me at least, as the episode’s true mystery: What the heck nationality is the guy trying to convey? His intonations continuously morphed from British, to Irish to Cockney to American to Something Just Plain Weird (Pig-Latin, maybe?)

Anyway, Hot-Bad-at-Faking-Poverty Jasmine and Also-Hot-But-Talks-Weird Aladdin quickly head to the Cave of Awesome Stuff, which Aladdin easily opens by saying . . . wait for it “Open Sesame.” (Talk about bad security. Making the password to open your Cave of Awesome Stuff “Open Sesame” is basically the olden-day equivalent of making the password to your online bank account “Password.”)

I bet I know the location of another “cave” Aladdin wants to explore.

In the center of the Cave of Awesome Stuff, Aladdin conveniently finds an abnormally large diamond perched precariously on a sword. Quickly recognizing the in-plain-sight placement of the Diamond in the Rough for the trap that it is, Aladdin uses an Abu lookalike monkey statue to counterbalance the weight of the diamond, so he can pilfer it. But then, before the pair could make a clean getaway, the “diamond” crumbles to dust, as does seemingly, the roof of the Cave of Awesome Stuff.

Like a true gentleman who really, really, wants to get laid, Aladdin uses his own body to shield Jasmine from falling debris. And when that doesn’t work, he shoots lightning bulbs out of his fingers to stop the building from collapsing. Spoiler Alert: This common thief has magical powers . . . ones that go beyond just being able to alternate between ten unrecognizable accents in five syllables, and that thing he did with the apple earlier in the episode.

Jasmine, apparently, knew this all along, despite the fact that Aladdin himself was seemingly unaware of it until this very moment. It’s why she took him on this fake diamond extraction errand in the first place. So, he could realize what a special snowflake he was, and agree to help her save the city from Jafar! How exactly Jasmine knew of Aladdin’s Savior qualities is never made clear during the episode. Perhaps, she just assumed all hot guys with weird accents have magical fingers (hint, hint, wink, wink).

Aladdin though, is not too sure he wants to be a Savior, because being poor and homeless is so much more fun! After Jasmine leaves Aladdin to his decision, Jafar further compounds his would be nemesis’ indecisiveness by offering him a gift: a pair of scissors he could use to literally “chop off” his Savior-ness.

But also, like, lots of riches and stuff.

This actually seems to make Aladdin’s decision for him, but not in the way Jafar probably intended. See now, by giving up Jafar’s offer of riches, Aladdin no longer has to choose. He can be poor and homeless AND be the Savior! It’s like pulling a half-eaten dirty piece of cake from a rat-infested garbage can and eating it too.

So, a Happy Aladdin promptly rescues Jasmine from the giant hour glass Jafar has trapped her inside, and frees Jasmine’s dad of the zombie curse Jafar put him under, thereby saving the day! (And he does it while riding a magic carpet, because walking the three steps from Jasmine’s castle door to the center of the room is just too damn hard!)

When that’s over. Aladdin heads off to fully embrace his poor and homeless Savior identity, while Jasmine stays behind to rule Agrabah, because her dad certainly isn’t going to do it. Even un-zombified, the guy is clearly a mental midget . . . sorry mental “little person.”

As Aladdin heads off on his travels, he receives a parting gift from his old pal Jafar. It’s those darn scissors. Jafar probably figures that, hey, even if Aladdin never decides to cut his Savior-ness off, at least he could use them to make some really gnarly arts and crafts!

Hope Springs Aladdin

Back in Storybrooke, Emma is following Jafar’s bird again to get more information from the Oracle about that vision of her own death she keeps having. Archie is there too, because how to entertain the delusions of the possibly insane was the first lesson he learned in “I didn’t actually go to graduate school because I got my medical degree from a curse” university.

The good news is that the red bird actually help Emma find the Oracle again. The bad news? This time, she’s dead, thereby seemingly debunking a popular fan theory that the Oracle was actually Jafar in disguise, spreading misinformation to Emma about her possible untimely demise.

“Well aren’t you just Little Miss Mary Sunshine?”

Near the crime scene, Emma comes upon a poorly hidden Jasmine, and brings her in for questioning regarding the murder of The Crusher of Emma’s Hopes and Dreams. (Again, with the head scarf as a disguise! Does this woman never learn?)

Jasmine claims herself to be innocent of the Oracle’s murder. It’s a claim that Emma instantly believes, because of her supposed super power to tell when people are lying. You know, the one that’s proven wrong at least once an episode!

She then reveals her true identity and purpose for being in Storybrooke, to find Aladdin . . . the Other Savior. Though Emma hasn’t yet revealed her impending death to the rest of the cast, she’s secretly thrilled by this news. After all, the Oracle told her that Savior’s MUST die. But if Savior Aladdin somehow managed to survive, maybe that’s not entirely true . . .

Archie Bunkered

“Is this because I wouldn’t stop singing ‘When You Wish Upon a Star?”

In slightly less hopeful circumstances at the moment is Archie, whose just been kidnapped by the Evil Queen, so the latter can impersonate him, and trick Emma into revealing all her secrets. The Queen stows Archie at her sister, the Wicked Witch’s house, so he can babysit, while she’s off doing her dastardly deeds.

The Evil Queen, posing as Archie, does succeed in getting Emma to reveal the specifics of her vision . . . and in front of her entire family, no less.

The crew is less than pleased with Emma for keeping this from them. Taking the news particularly hard are her beau Hook, her son Henry, who blames himself for forcing Emma to become the Savior in the first place, and Regina, who learns that she’s not in Emma’s vision, which either means she’s already dead by this point in the future, or is the one responsible for killing Emma.

Looks like someone could use a hug!

While all the Good Guys are suffering from the doom and gloom of bad news, the Evil Queen and Wicked Witch are celebrating their victory with a ladies spa day, and gossip session about the boys in Storybrooke they are currently crushing on! Oh, and they also turn Archie back into a cricket, because, why not?

The Crypt Keeper

Now, that Emma’s life is at stake, everyone is freshly motivated to find Aladdin for Jasmine. (Whereas, before they couldn’t give two craps if some one-episode guest star’s boyfriend bit it, because it didn’t impact them personally.)

Since, both Emma and Aladdin have magic fingers, Regina cooks up a spell to link their magic together, so Emma could find the erstwhile thief. The spell leads Emma to an underground crypt that looks kind of like the Cave of Awesome Stuff . . . only without the awesome stuff.

Jasmine gets super teary when she finds a pin she gave Aladdin back in the day, on top of a pile of bones, assuming her would-be lover’s demise. This finding majorly bums out the rest of the crew too, because it seems to confirm the Oracle’s theory that all Savior’s die. (Ignoring the fact that . . . well . . . everybody dies eventually, savior or not, so maybe it’s just a crappy coincidence!)

Emma comforts a distraught Henry, telling him that she doesn’t regret reuniting with her family and becoming the Savior, even if it means she only gets to live a few more episodes. It’s a kind of sweet moment actually.

“The pilot episode of the series revolving around me as a bail bondsperson didn’t get picked up, so I really had no choice in the matter anyway.”

Aladdin must have thought it was pretty sweet too, because he decides to COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!!

Just kidding! Aladdin was never dead! He was just a really big wimpy baby, who was afraid his girlfriend wouldn’t want to bone him anymore, after he cut off his Savior-ness with Jafar’s scissors. So, he hid out in a cave for twenty-eight years, like the homeless person he always aspired to be!

Aladdin offers the Anti-Savior scissors to Emma, so she too can cut off her Savior-ness and avoid certain death. He then heads to the park to reunite with Jasmine, who is probably going to dump his ass, as soon as she learns he no longer has those magical fingers . . .and has officially become just like every other smelly homeless guy with a weird accent.

Running with Scissors

Since she’s been lying to him about dying for nearly five episodes, Emma decides to make things right between her and Killian by letting him hold her Anti-Savior scissors. “I trust you to hide them in a safe place, and not use them on me, while I’m napping on the couch after drinking way too much rum with you and watching those Pirates of the Caribbean movies you like so much.”

So, of course, Hook lies to Emma, and tells them he dropped the scissors 20,000 leagues under the sea, when, really, he dropped them 1/10 of a league into his pants. Because THAT decision isn’t going to come back and bite someone in the ass later this season, now will it?

Until next time, Oncers!

Don’t Wanna Be Your Monkey Wrench – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “A Novel Approach”

The problem with supernaturally “gifted” do-gooder heroes like Scott McCall, is that they tend to be a bit boring judgey. There are only so many times one person can vanquish the Big Bad, sacrifice his safety for that of the group, rescue the helpless, rally the troops, mentor the naïve, and champion the misunderstood, without it going to his head . . . without the hero starting to believe that everyone he cares about must live by his rigid moral code, or else.

Back in the early seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall was a character who was still figuring things out. He struggled with violent impulses toward his adversaries, as he managed his new wolf-like temper. He battled with lust, and found himself giving in to temptation with Lydia, even though Stiles was in love with her. His pride kept him on the lacrosse team, despite the fact that his superhuman strength gave him an unfair advantage against most of his teammates and opponents. And Peter’s seductive offers of power, made him seriously consider turning to the darkside, on more than one occasion.

Now, in Season 5, Scott McCall is a different animal (pun intended) entirely. He’s even-tempered, virtuous, unfailingly loyal and almost monk-like in his incorruptibility (except for that one episode where he wore a bear mask for ten minutes, but we don’t need to get into that). Alpha Wolf Scott McCall’s world is a 1950’s monochrome. Everything is either good or evil, black or white. There is no in between.

Unfortunately, for Saint McCall, his pack mates still reside within the shades of grey. They recognize that some people can’t be trusted, and aren’t worth saving. They understand that there are some times when good ends are justified by bad means. They are unmistakably human in mind and spirit, even if not entirely in body. And it is that flawed humanity that is throwing some serious monkey wrenches into Scott McCall’s plans to Save the World from the Dredd Doctors.

And, in the case of Scott’s bestie, Stiles, this just happened to come in the form of an actual monkey wrench. . .

This week on Teen Wolf, everyone’s favorite Naked Garbage Man makes another pickup. Malia continues to confirm every bad stereotype that ever existed about female drivers. Third Eye guy becomes, Just Some Middle Aged Dude with a Hole in His Head. And Kira confirms her suspicion that electrocuting one’s boyfriend truly is the best form of foreplay.

Let’s review, shall we?

Very Superstitious

As if we needed any more confirmation that the superstition stating that it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder is 100% true, Teen Wolf proudly presents . . .

The Not So Tragic Death of Donovan . . .

I gotta say, as cold opens go, this one was one of Teen Wolf’s stronger submissions. I mean sure, unlike the typical Teen Wolf open, where a character we’ve never met before is put in peril, and we are legitimately uncertain as to whether they will live or die, Stiles’ surviving this “hand with a mouth drawn on it” mauling . . .

. . . was not in question here. And yet, despite that, Dylan O’Brien’s ability to silently (apart from some seriously heavy breathing that seemed in desperate need of an inhaler) convey Stiles’ utter terror, as Donovan tracked him from the car to the library, his impulsive decision to use the monkey wrench to loosen the screws on the ladder nearest to the one he was ascending, and his conflicting feelings of guilt, horror, relief, and even a slight bit of satisfaction at Donovan’s gory demise at his own hand, was riveting to watch.

Also, let’s face it. Some people in this world just deserve to be made into a human shishkabob.

Then, we get to the part where Stiles calls 911 to report the dead body, and returns to the scene just seconds later, only to find it scooped up by our Naked Garbage Man. (Who just so happened to be wearing clothes this week. What’s the fun in that?)

So, now we know that Naked Garbage Man doesn’t just retrieve bodies, carry them to the Nemeton, and burn them out of existence with his hot bod, he also cleans up crime scenes like a champ.

Clearly, Parrish is much better at his Naked Garbage Man job than his cop job . . .

But it does beg the question, of how Parrish got there so fast.   Do the Dredd Doctors have him on speed dial? Does the playing card with Lydia’s face on it scream at him, banshee style, whenever he needs to pick up a new corpse? (Typical nagging cardboard girlfriend!)   Does he just hang around Scott and Stiles, knowing that these guys are pretty much guaranteed to produce a supernatural corpse in the cold open of every episode?

More importantly, does being a Naked Garbage Man come with a 401K plan?

Scott McCall’s Book Club

Having already read all the books in the 50 Shades of Grey series, including that astonishingly bad one from Christian’s perspective, Scott’s wolf pack decides to read something a bit more relevant to their lives . . . that book about the Dredd Doctors they stole from Now-Dead Tracey’s house! Kira kindly offers to make a photocopy of the darn thing, which, anyone who has ever tried to photocopy a teeny tiny soft cover paperback will tell you, is pretty much the most mind-numbingly awful job ever. (No wonder she electrocuted Scott later in the episode, to get him back for making her do it.)

SO MANY PAPER CUTS!

“If you want to be in our pack, you have to participate in our book club,” Scott tells Theo, in no uncertain terms, as he shows him the copy of the Dredd doctor book.

“Wait, you guys are in a book club? But I thought you were all virtually illiterate,” Theo wonders out loud.

“Malia and I are virtually illiterate,” Scott explains. “But Stiles is only illiterate when he’s void Stiles, and everyone else can read to us just fine. Lydia even does these really great character voices, which make me giggle. Do you do character voices, Theo? Because you will be much more likely to get into the pack if you can.”

“Hey check out the back page of this book,” Theo demands, as he laughs maniacally and winks at the camera.

“Why?” Scott asks, flustered. “Nobody reads the acknowledgement page in a book, except the people being acknowledged, because it’s basically the book equivalent of the boring part of Oscar acceptance speeches, only without the pretty dresses and manufactured tears. I’m a functioning illiterate, and even I know that.”

Theo rolls his eyes. “Look, it’s imperative that you read the acknowledgement page of this book, read Dr. Valack’s name on it, and go visit him in the mental hospital, because he wrote this book, and my bosses, the Dredd Doctors, need you to see him, for reasons.”

“But if he wrote the book, why didn’t he put his name on the front cover, as the author?” Scott question. “This way I would absolutely read it, unlike the acknowledgement page, which nobody reads.”

“Whatever, Scott,” Theo replies exasperatedly. “Just do what I say mindlessly, and leave the thinking on this show to the smart characters like Stiles and Lydia. I’ve got to go worship the Devil, torture some live puppies, and brainwash Malia into being my loyal sex slave. Peace out.”

When Something is Lost, Always Consult Your Fox Costume . . .

Later that night, Scott and Kira are sleeping together, because Kira’s parents think there is absolutely nothing wrong with their only minor daughter sharing a bed with her werewolf boyfriend, and are not at all worried that she will one-day wake up to find she’s given birth to a litter of were-fox babies, who will ruin her young life. (Note: Scott’s mom would probably be bothered by this, but, seeing as she’s the only nurse / anesthesiologist / coroner / doctor / sometime surgeon left alive in Beacon Hills, she works 24-hours a day, and hasn’t been out of her scrubs since approximately 1996.)

“If I think really hard, I can still sort of remember a time when I used to get laid . . .”

Kira starts speaking Japanese in her sleep, and Scott appears totally turned off by it. But, of course, he has to pretend he’s not turned off by it, because being turned off by it most probably makes him a racist.

Later, when Kira’s ugly ass belt (seriously, that thing is hideous) goes missing, she asks Scott to look at her with his red hangover eyes to help her find it. When Scott turns on his Creepo-vision, he sees Kira’s fox head (which looks oddly bear-like for a fox, no?) helpfully pointing out the belt’s location for Scott.

Ummm . . . so basically, this was the writers’ clever way of illustrating that Fox Kira and Kira-Kira aren’t the same entity? So Fox Kira knew where the ugly ass belt was, but Kira-Kira didn’t? If so, why didn’t Fox Kira just tell Kira-Kira where the ugly ass belt was, instead of going through Scott’s Creepo-vision?

Anywhoo, Kira now has her belt. And they all can live unfashionably ever after . . .

Driving Miss Crazy

Because Malia used to be a mental patient at Eichen House, and could possibly decide she likes it better in the nuthouse where she had a better haircut, than at Beacon Hills, if she returns, our sassy were-coyote isn’t invited on the pack’s Journey into Evil this week.

Instead, she is stuck reading that crappy book, into which the author nonsensically inserted himself into the Acknowledgement page. “Hey, Malia, want to ride my car?” Theo asks, looking so shady as he confronts her, that he might as well be curling an evil black mustache, and strangling an angel child with his bare hands, as he speaks.

“Is that a euphemism for sex?” Malia wonders, as Evil Theo not-at-all subtly undresses her with his eyes.

“Absolutely, but I’d like you to almost murder me in my own car, before we sleep together, just to make sure we really like one another,” responds Theo.

In Theo’s car, he tries to impress Malia with how not frightened of death he is, by instructing her to speed, and drive with her hands at the bottom of the wheel, like she’s a pimp in a rap video. Because everybody knows that those who are incapable of driving like “normal” people are always the absolute best at driving like “cool people.”

(This reminds me of the time when I was learning how to drive, and my dad instructed me to do it by resting my knees on the steering wheel only. Basically, I think he just wanted to take the piss out of my mom, who was in the backseat at the time, clutching the armrests for dear life. . .)

Inevitably Malia goes into her usual PTSD mode, and nearly crashes the car, only to have Theo, inexplicably, roll out of the car on top of her, so he can “stare lovingly into her eyes.”

This time, however, Malia actually remembers a useful piece of information during her fourth traumatic brush with death-via-motor vehicle of the year. “Hey, my evil mother shot at my adopted mom and sister, the day I thought I turned into a were-coyote and killed them inside the family car. This makes me potentially innocent of murder! It also means my parents are even more despicable humans than originally imagined!”

Eichen Louse

Though Stiles was once a mental patient just like Malia, and is clearly experiencing PTSD, himself, from that one time earlier this episode when he murdered a dude, he still decides to accompany Lydia to see Dr. Valack, because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuves her. (Which is totally cool by the way, because sex between Malia and Evil Theo is inevitable this season, obviously).

I like how Lydia recognizes immediately that something is up with Stiles, and that he is injured and sad, lets him know that she knows, but doesn’t judge him or press him for information until he’s ready to talk about it. She instinctively understands that he needs to be there for Lydia, while they do this, just as much as Lydia needs him.

This, when Scott, who has been friends with Stiles for way longer, is completely clueless . . .  so clueless in fact, that he “confides” in his friend, that he thinks Kira might be turning into a terrible person, because she almost killed the evil scorpion thing that was trying to murder them all at the Random Dancing night club.

“Ummmm . . . maybe she did it in self-defense?” Stiles offers, hopefully, as he contemplates telling his friend about his own dalliance with freak-of-the-week murder.

“No way,” responds Scott. “All murderers deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier? Something about you and Donovan?”

Stiles whistles uncomfortably, as he, Scott, Kira and Lydia enter Eichen House.

Once inside the nuthouse, Kira is immediately forced to take off her hideous belt, so it doesn’t frighten the mental patients with its ugliness. Then, Scott and Kira learn that they can’t cross into Valack’s chamber, because it’s protected by mountain ash, and they are supernatural creatures. (Not sure why Lydia wasn’t kept out too, seeing as she’s a banshee and all, but . . . details.)

“Hey Third Eye Guy,” Lydia and Stiles begin conversationally. “What’s up with this crappy book, you wrote, but pretended you didn’t, by writing your name on a page of it that nobody will read?”

“I wrote it so you crazy kids would remember the Dredd Doctors, and how the last time they came to Beacon Hills, they gave you all anal probes, and made you bark like dogs, for five straight hours, just for fun. Oh yeah, and then they buried a bunch of teenagers in holes, and turned them into Wuzzle Killing Machines.”

“Ha, joke is on you,” responds Stiles. “Because Lydia and I are the only people in Beacon Hills who know how to read.”

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” Third Eye Guy asks. “Scream into this tape recorder, Banshee, so I can press it against the glass holding me in this cell, shatter it, and escape.”

“But if I’m screaming in front of your cell, won’t that break the glass anyway, without the tape recorder?” Lydia wonders out loud.

“Oh, absolutely, but this makes it way more dramatic,” Third Eye Guy Explains.

Meanwhile, out at the entrance to Eichen House, Kira is starting to short circuit, and the electric currents she shoots out of her body, totally screw with Eichen House’s security system, allowing the Dredd Doctors to enter, as was their original plan.   Scott carries Electric Kira to safety, suffering severe burns all over his body in the process.

“Hey, I remember I told you I loved you in last week’s episode!” Scott exclaims.

“Glad all it took was an electrocution to get you to recall something you said less than 48 hours ago,” replies Kira. “Just be thankful you are pretty.”

Inside Eichen House, the Dredd Doctors extract Third Eye Guy’s third eye, immediately converting him from somebody cool, into just some dumb schlub who doesn’t understand that no one reads the Acknowledgement page on books.

“Now, the party don’t start, til we walk in!”

Then, now Boring Two-Eyed Valack plays the tape Lydia made for him about ten minutes ago, and her scream from the recorder, breaks the glass of his cell, even though her scream in real life did not. He escapes into the night, rendering the population of Beacon Hills just a bit more filled with crazy-eyed insane-os than it was at the beginning of the episode . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

Battle Scars – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Kill the Boy”

*wishes he invested in a better pair of gloves*

War wounds . . . we all have them. Even the luckiest among us, won’t make it to adulthood without earning a few. Some are visible, like childhood skinned knees that inevitably lead to lifelong scars, black eyes, bruised cheeks, that scaly makeup they’ve been putting on Shireen’s face, and, more recently, Jorah’s arm, not to mention whatever the f*&k happened to that poor dude in Mereen burned in half by Dany’s dragons this week . . .

Other wounds are less visible, but no less painful. They fester beneath the surface, subtly coloring our every word and gesture, preventing us from trusting and loving too easily, shielding us from a life lived to its fullest, out of fear that we might be hurt again . . .These are the kind of wounds that turn the once brazen and cocky Theon Greyjoy into the pitiful, stinky, silent and sexless Reek . . . and innocent sheltered Sansa Stark into Darth Sansa, the kind of girl who would willingly stick her tongue down middle aged creepy Littlefinger’s throat and like it.

This week on Game of Thrones, Dany feeds her dragon kids a gourmet lunch. Greyworm lives to be ball-less another day. Jon Snow grows a pair. Sansa comes to terms with just how badly her life sucks. Tyrion grudgingly acknowledges the perks of being held hostage.

And everyone gets covered in battle scars, some more visible than others . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

In which Dany’s Dragons Learn to Share, and Wish Their Mom a Happy Mother’s Day . . .

While a concerned, but relieved, Missandei hovers precariously over a wounded, but still living, Greyworm’s bedside, Dany and Daario stonily mourn Ser Barristan’s corpse, which, thankfully, doesn’t have those creepy googly eyes on top of it, like they put on all the dead bodies in Kings Landing. So tacky! But Dany doesn’t seem so much sad, as she does SUPER PISSED OFF!

“I will cut a bitch.”

“I feel like scaring the sh*t out of some rich people,” says Dany. “Round up all the heads of Mereen’s wealthiest familes, so I can dangle them in front of my dragon kid’s faces, and make them soil their golden tighty whities.”

“But I’m filthy rich, and have golden tighty whities,” whines Hizdahr, a.k.a the guy whose talked about nothing but reopening the fighting pits ad nauseum, since episode 1. BOO-RING!

“Then, I hope you didn’t eat a big lunch,” remarks Dany, blithely, as her guards seize his smug ass.

Shortly, thereafter, Dany’s collection of rich assholes is assembled around her in the dragon pits.

“A good mother never gives up on her children,” speechifies Dany, as the quivering, quaking mass of rich folk hover precariously near Dany’s patiently waiting sort-of progeny, wondering which one of them is about to become dragon kibble.

SPOILER ALERT: It’s the fat bald guy!

Extra cookies for all who called it.

Daario pushes the poor unfortunate soul into the pit, where Dany’s dragons promptly steam fry him, and expertly carve his body in half, so they each can get a meal. If you ignore the whole gross burning body thing, it’s actually kind of adorable.

“All men must die,” remarks Hizdahr, feigning bravery, despite the fact that he is now wearing poopy pants.

“Yeah, but not today,” offers Dany blithely. “My dragons have already had a large fat bald man for a meal. And I don’t want them to get chunky. Because nothing is worse than having chunky dragon kids. Maybe tomorrow.”

Message sent and received, Dany. Mess with the Queen, and end up the expertly carved-up Lean Cuisine for two svelte dragons . . .

In which we hear the episode title . . .

Back at the wall, Samwell is reading to Maester Aemon news of his relative Dany. It’s boring news that fails to mention her making rich men sh*t themselves by feeding a fat baldie to her dragon kids. Talk about burying the lead! Apparently, there is no TMZ in Westeros . . .

Jon pops by to get advice from the Maester on a decision he’s about to make, that’s going to make him super unpopular with the rest of the Knights Watch, who used to like him a lot, because he’s really ridiculously good looking.

“I also have spectacular hair.”

“Kill the boy, and let the man be born,” explains Maester, winking at the camera, in the way people do, when they’ve just given out a slogan they know will become popular, like “Trix are for kids,” “Campbell Soup is Mmm Mmm Good,” and “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!”

Emboldened by having just murdered his inner Toys R’ Us Kid, Jon approaches Ginger Tormund about forming an alliance between the Watchers on the Wall and the Wildlings to fight against those creepy white walkers that zombify babies for sh*ts and giggles. “We can offer your Wildling Folk shelter for your women and children, a fleet for your travels, and the right not to end up a creepy baby zombie, if you fight by our side.”

“I’ll get my people to join forces with you,” relents Tormund, “But only if you travel with me to visit them, because you are so damn sexy.”

“Curse my good looks,” mutters Jon Snow, but he ultimately agrees.

At the Wall Watchers meeting, everyone thinks Jon’s idea of allying with those smelly wildlings sucks, except, of course, for Samwell, because Samwell likes everything Jon says and does. As everyone yells at Jon Snow, Stannis mutteringly corrects all the Wall Watchers’ bad grammar, proving himself to be the nerdiest contender for the Iron Throne ever!

Jon Snow has a harder time justifying his decision to his apprentice, young Olly, whose entire family has been butchered by Wildlings. “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Olly, more or less. “Also, you suck and I hate you now.”

It’s always lonely at the top, isn’t it Jon Snow? Especially, when you’ve murdered your inner child, just because some old guy told you to do so . . .

And Jon Snow’s lonely days are about to get even lonelier, especially now that his surprise bromantic buddy Stannis Baratheon finally ships off with his men toward Winterfell . . .

With Friends Like These . . .

Speaking of Winterfell, Darth Sansa’s friendly wash basin lady reminds her that she still has friends in the North, and that if she lights a candle at the top of the highest tower, they will come and kick some Evil Bolton ass on her behalf.

Sorry ladies, he’s taken!

Speaking of Evil Bolton ass, Ramsey is naked and porking the kennelmaster’s daughter, Myranda, who is clearly psychotic JUST LIKE HIM! She whines that Ramsey will be marrying Darth Sansa and not her. When Ramsey accuses her of being jealous and boring, she attempts to prove that she isn’t either by biting a large chunk out of Ramsey’s lip. So sweet! Clearly, these two are a match made in smelly flayed body heaven.

Further wishing to metaphorically pee on Ramsey’s leg, so Darth Sansa knows that hot psycho piece of man meat is taken, whether or not she becomes his wife, Myranda finds Sansa on the grounds and passive aggressively Regina George’s her by complimenting her dress in a way that is clearly not sincere. Then, Myranda takes Sansa into her crazy Cujo dog kennel, it is there that Darth Sansa reunites with the artist formerly known as Theon Greyjoy, aka the guy she thinks killed her brothers Rickon and Bran.

Darth Sansa is understandably shocked by Theon (now Reek’s) disheveled appearance, obvious brain damage, nauseating scent, and the fact that he literally lies down with dogs. The look on her face when she sees him is one of pity and disgust, mixed in with anger.

“This is so not cute.”

Needless to say, Darth Sansa is having a really shitty day. And it’s about to get much worse. Because, she’s about to have dinner with her new family . . .

Meet the Boltons

You know it’s a bad dinner party when the happiest person at the table is the dead pig you are about to eat.

“It must be strange for you, being here,” Walda Frey, Roose Bolton’s wife offers conversationally to Darth Sansa as the new family sit down for dinner.

“It’s not strange, this is my home,” corrects Darth Sansa. “It’s the people that are strange.”

Bam! Touche! Sansa.

Ramsey, the guy who flays men and cuts off balls for a hobby, and considers getting his lip chewed off by a woman foreplay, really doesn’t like being called strange, so he brings Theon/Reek to stink up the table and traumatize poor Sansa. (Whoever thought Sansa would come to miss the days of being married to that Little Sh*t Joffrey.) Ramsey forces “Reek” to apologize to Sansa for “killing her brothers,” then invites the guy to give her away at the wedding as her “closest living relative.”

Because nothing says familial bonding like the fake flaying of your baby brothers.

Even for the detestable Roose Bolton, Ramsey’s treatment of Sansa seems a bit grotesque. So, the father lashes back out, announcing proudly that Walda is pregnant with his legitimate son. Ouch! First Ramsey got his lip chewed off, now there goes his balls. It’s a painful day for everyone involved.

Later, Roose waxes poetically to Ramsey about the fond memories he has of raping Ramsey’s peasant mother, after killing her husband. “When this woman came to my door with a baby, I was going to throw you in the river, because, let’s be honest, most babies are complete garbage, but I took one look at your Crazy Eyes and knew you were my son.”

Eat your heart out, Stannis and Shireen Baratheon! Two can play at the Father’s Day Hallmark card game.

Roose follows up this romantic and inspirational story with a confession to his son. He knows that Stannis is marching toward the Iron Throne and wishes to take the North on his way. “Help me keep the North, by brutally murdering as many people as possible, and hanging their flayed bodies around our house for decoration, and I promise to love you more than the new garbage baby,” Roose offers gallantly.

If I were Darth Sansa, I’d be lighting those “Help Me” candles at the watchtower right about now . . .

A Match Made in Poopy Pants

Having literally scared the rich people of Mereen shitless by feeding one of them to her kids, Dany begins to take steps to solidify her rule in a more reasoned way. She visits a truly petrified Hizdahr in the dungeons to inform him of the good news. It turns out, she’s decided to reopen the fighting pits after all, but only to “free men.” (Considering everybody in Mereen is technically free now, it isn’t really much of a compromise, but details . . .)

“Does this make me Father of Dragons? Is that even biologically possible?”

Also, she’s going to marry Hizdahr. Because nothing says romantic proposal like visiting someone in prison and saying “Marry me, or I’ll have your body torn apart limb from limb by a pair of dragons on a strict calorie restricted diet.”

Jorah Gets a Bitchin Tattoo

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily merrily, life is but a disfiguring disease.”

Riding toward the lost city of Valyria, which admittedly pretty gorgeous, with its dazzling ruins, green grasses, and crystal clear waters, Jorah and Tyrion experience their first ever bonding moment post-kidnapping, despite the fact that Tyrion is woefully sober during it. They even recite a poem about Valyria together. Between this, Stannis’ grammatical corrections at the Wall meeting, and Samwell Tarley getting all hot and bothered over books earlier in the episode, this may very well be the nerdiest episode of GOT ever!

We interrupt this dramatic poetry reading and scenic tour of someplace pretty in New Zealand to bring you, DROGON THE DRAGON!

ALSO A GREYSCALE-AFFLICTED STONE MAN ZOMBIE!

Ladies and gentlemen, things have just taken a turn for the weird.

Jorah battles the Crazed Stone man, trying hard not to touch him, because, apparently, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties. Meanwhile, Tyrion jumps off the side of the boat, his hands still tied together. Ultimately Jorah defeats Old Stoney and rescues Tyrion from drowning, YAY!

But he somehow manages to get Greyscale Cooties in the process. Boo!

“I was going to get an ‘I heart Dany’ tattoo, but I guess this works too.”

Poor Jorah! All the guy wants to do is win a date with the Mother of Dragons, and he gets a deadly, disfiguring, mind ravaging disease for his troubles. He should have stuck with Westeros Match.com . . .

And that was “Kill the Boy” in a nutshell. Until next time, my friends!

Xanax Makes Everything Better – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 5 and 6

Ladies and gentle donkey turds (Madalena’s words, not mine), we have arrived!

After two weeks of Medieval musical foreplay, and countless songs about lady who-ha’s and male ding dongs, Galavant has finally reached his rousing CLIMAX!

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The episode where our hero, and the guy who is supposed to be the villain but is actually MY FAVORITE, meet again in (sort of) epic fashion and prepare to do battle for the heart of . . .

. . . this b*tch . . .

Also this week . . . more guest stars . . . like the guy who made fun of all those Michael Jackson songs in the 80s . . .

And the British version of Steve Carrell’s character on The Office . . .

But most importantly, Daisy from Downton Abbey . . .

Playing the part of . . . well . . . Anna from Downton Abbey . . .

So reign in your horses and hold on to your drawers, because even the cook gets lucky in this hour . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

A Bad Day for Gingers – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Family Business”

Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.

“Is it too late to invest in some bleach?”

She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .

Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.

“Oh Rumple! I just had this horrible nightmare in which I acted like a total asshole for an entire episode . . . oh, you mean that wasn’t a dream? Crap!”

And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .

Still so pretty though . . .

So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .

(You can check out the rest of this recap here.)