Sookie Stackhouse: Angel of DEATH! – A Recap of True Blood’s “We Will Meet Again”

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Uh oh, Fangbangers!  Don’t mess with the Sookster!  Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind.  (Sorry Tara!)

For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .

. . .this was the episode for you!

Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.

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Of course, there was one notable exception . . .

Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble.  Ain’t that sweet?

In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.

Let’s review, shall we?

Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!

Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again.  (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)

That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .

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 . . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously.  Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!

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Now, that’s what I call a good mom!

Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more.  And she’s in good company, in that regard .  . .

Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)

Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy.  Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.

But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first .  . .

What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.

And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles.  What the f*&k is up with that?

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Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .

. . . almost . . . but not quite.

Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .

OMG!  You killed that annoying vampire kid.  You RULE!  Bastard!

Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.

That little vampire kid .  . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.

I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed.  In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire.  I’m certain of it.  Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.

But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”

And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .

BRAVO!  Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.

Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . .  .

PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo

Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.

Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm.  Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”

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In which Eric and Pam make us ugly cry . . .

Oh, Eric Northman!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.

Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode.  Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.

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That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.

“How ya like me now?”

For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline .  . . well . . . you just might not be human.

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The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it.  But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?

Or can we?

In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .

Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week.  Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule.  The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

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 . . .  immediately took the law into her own hands.  Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed.  Pretty awesome huh?

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Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search.  And why did they do that you ask?  Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .

Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!

Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .

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 . . .  has decided to go and get herself good and wasted.  That’s my girl!

You know what, Fangbangers?  This might have been my favorite scene in the episode.  For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome.  Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.

And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!

She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.

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She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.

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That’s right, Alcide.  You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.

But you were wrong!  So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face.  Nom-nom, nom . . .

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Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience!  Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale.  And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it.  Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?

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Oh, and Eric, you may act like this doesn’t bother you at all.

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But you aren’t fooling anyone . .  And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.

Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .

Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition

Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure.  Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again.  The question is . . . who killed them?  I smell another mystery!  Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .

Speaking of mysteries . . .

Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition

Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?

And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season?  Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.

Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club!  And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.

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Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood?  (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?)  Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day?  Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?

Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

You say you want a REVOLUTION? – A Recap of True Blood’s “I Smell a Rat”

Why does one bad apple  vampire have to spoil it for the whole bunch?  You see, up until this point on the show, Humans and Vamps?  They were getting along JUST FINE! 

Sure, there was a certain fringe group of humans that weren’t all too keen on letting the vampires play in their Human Games . . .

But they were just a bunch of religious wackjobs.  And no one cares what religious wackjobs think, anyway. 

That was before THIS happened . . .

Special thanks to Carol for this awesome GIF!

Suddenly, those “religious wackjobs” were starting to sound mighty convincing to a lot of people.  As a result, many of our friendly neighborhood vampires found themselves having to take certain “defensive” measures, to maintain the “status quo” . . .  And that was when all the POO really started to hit the fan.

Secrets were revealed, loyalties tested, and plenty of supernatural creatures were forced “out of the closet,” in the process.  In fact, so much went on during this episode, that I don’t even know where do begin.  Wait . . . yes, I do  . . .

Everybody Loves a Good FAIRY tale . . .

After weeks upon weeks of hinting and speculation, Bill finally revealed to Sookie, “her TRUE Nature” (or as Bill calls it, her “Nashahhhhh.”) When she finally finds out, Sookie is less than pleased.  “I’m a FAIRY?  How f*cking lame!”  Sookie gripes.

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

You know Sookie, there are a lot of WONDERFUL things about being a fairy.  After all, every time a bell rings, there’s a chance you may get your wings . . .

Oh, that’s angels?  Nevermind . . .

So, anyway, apparently, vampires just go CRAZY for fairy blood!  In other words, to Vampire Eric and Vampire Bill, Sookie tastes something like this .  . .

This begs the inevitable question as to whether Bill loves Sookie for her spunky, mind-reading, big-boobed self, or because her blood tastes like something he would order at Baskin Robbins.  Bill, of course, claims it is the former. 

“It is not your blood I love.  It is the way you scream ‘BEAAAAAAAAAL’ that really makes my heart flutter and my ear drums burst into flames.“

Bill begins to wax poetic about how much he LUUUUUUVES Sookie, and wants to protect her for all eternity, and blah, blah, blah.  While he speaks, you can literally hear the violins playing in the background.  Super small ones . . .

When there’s a WILL, Vampire Eric gets his way .  . .

Meanwhile, Eric is at Fangtasia, drafting his Last Will and Testament with a lawyer, while Pam (who is looking FABULOUS, in her smokin hot purple leather dress, by the way) looks on, in not-so-silent protest.

“Let’s see, the rest and residuary of my Estate goes to Pam.  My heart .  . .

. . .and my weiner . . .

. . . belong to Miss Stackhouse.  But to whom shall I leave my crown?

Of course!  Lafayette – a King’s Crown for my favorite QUEEN!”

Vampire Pam is disappointed in her Maker.  It’s not like Eric to just roll over and “play undead,” just because some Big Gay Vampire King is mad at him.  She thinks he’s acting like a total pussy, and tells him as much.  But Eric, convinced he is about to meet his Maker . . .

Yeah . . . that one too, I guess.

 . . .  is determined to make his final arrangements.  He immediately asks SlutBall Yvetta to act as his witness, while he signs the will  . . .

Poor Dumb Yvetta!  She actually believed Eric was going to leave all his fortune to HER, just because the pair had a few good rolls in the coffin.  OK, a few good SIX-HOUR rolls in the coffin, but still . . .

“But you PROMISED!”  Yvetta whines, like the whorish Dancing Baby she is . . .

“I promised you a job and lots of good sex.  That’s all,” insists Eric, causing poor Yvetta to wet her diaper, before storming out in tears.

Out, Out, Damn Spot!

“Dammit!  This is the THIRD shirt I’ve lost to Vampire Guts.  If only there was a way to cope with tough-to-remove stains like these . . .

Thanks Tide!”

When we last left Tara, she was being rescued by Jason Stackhouse . . .

. . . who turned her abusive ex-boyfriend, Franklin . . .

 . . . into THIS . . .

Poor Franklin, if only he could have used his “Mad Texting Skills” to dial 911, things might have worked out differently for him . . .

We love you too, Franklin . . . you creepy psycho stalker, YOU!

Now, Jason, has had SOME experience killing EGGS . . .

 . . . but virtually NO experience, killing VAMPIRES (well, unless you count poor, Vampire Eddie, but that was purely for recreational purposes  . . .)

“Did I ever tell you about this time I drank Vampire Blood and got this massive boner for HOURS?  Good times!”

 So, the elder Stackhouse was, understandably,  a little freaked out . . .

I can’t believe I’ve killed such a brilliant texter!  Oh the lack of humanity!

So, Tara, who is VERY experienced in the art of Vampire Cleanup, takes charge, instructing Jason to pick up Franklin’s guts . . .

. . . dump them in his truck, and drive them FAR FAR AWAY! 

While Jason is handling the first load, Tara takes some time to pay her last respects to the love of her life  . . .

Nothing says loving like a LOOGEY!

“Oh, Tara!  How I’ve longed to taste your spit again!”

Jason and Tara then ride back to Jason’s house, where Fairy Sookie is waiting for them, and looking for some protection.

Sookie Plays Shrink . . .

“I should really charge by the hour for this!”

Poor Sookie!  She came to her brother’s house looking for safety, and some R&R  — after being on the run from vamps, werewolves, and maenads for THREE SEASONS without any breaks.  But NO ONE will let the Poor Fairy rest!  All they want to do is talk her ears off about their petty little problems.  First up is Tara, who wants to give Sookie the play-by-play in her neverending “Why I hate vampires” saga . . .

“He made me wear an ugly dress.  And he was a VERY bad kisser!  It was TERRIBLE!”

Next up was Jason, who inexplicably stayed clothed for the entire episode.  And for that reason, he must be PUNISHED!

“Bad for him.  Good for US!”

Jason finally admitted to Sookie that HE  broke killed Eggs, not Andy.

Take that, recent outbreak of Salmonella Poisoning!

Sookie responds by giving Jason the WORST ADVICE EVER!  “Tell Tara.”

Seriously?  What good could it possibly have served for Jason to tell Tara about Eggs, just moments after she suffered the traumatic experience of watching her abusive boyfriend die right in front of her, AGAIN!

And yet, tell Tara, Jason did, just moments before the fiesty femme was about to give him a Gratitude F*ck, for saving her from being murdered by Franklin.

“See this, Jason?  This is your chances of getting laid during this episode going down the drain . . .”

“Sh&t!  Not AGAIN!”

Tara dashes out of that room, faster than you can say “blue balls.”

Next, Vampire Eric comes to visit Sookie . . . TWICE!

The first time Vampire Bill is there.

The second time, he is in SOOKIE DREAMS!

“Woo hoo!”

Both times, the message is the same.  “Sookie, you want me, and my sexy body . . .

“Who doesn’t?”

 . . . and don’t trust Bill.”

In the first encounter, Sookie more or less blows off Eric.  And yet, she is noticeably distraught, when he not-so-subtly alludes to the very real possibility of him meeting his “final death.”  It is likely Sookie’s anguish over THIS first encounter, that causes her to DREAM of Eric that night.  And that dream . . . well . . . it deserves it’s own BOLD SUBHEADING, don’t you think?

Why aren’t MY dreams like THIS?

Sookie is dozing on the couch, when she awakens to find Eric perched on its armrest, peering down at her.  “Will your blood ever wear off?  I’m tired of dreaming of you.”

“Huh?”

(Hey Sookie, if you ever get tired of dreaming of Eric, I’d gladly take those pesky dreams off your hands for you.  No problem.)

“It’s not just the blood.  You KNOW you have feelings for me,” whispers Eric, as he leans in closer.

“Ew,” replies Sookie, but her rapid breathing, and “f*ck me” eyes  say something else entirely.

Dream Eric then leans in and kisses her gently.

In spite of herself, Sookie closes her eyes and moves in closer.  “You know you like this,” probes Eric, kissing the side of her neck, “and this,” he continues, kissing the front of her neck.  “And you know you can’t trust Bill.  That’s not my blood talking.  It’s your survival instinct,” concludes Eric, as he leans in to bite Sookie’s neck. 

Sookie sighs in ecstacy, and then (unfortunately) wakes up with a  start.  She HAS to go see Eric to engage in a hot six-hour sex session with him find out why he said he was about to die, and she can’t trust Bill.

Hallelujah!  Dreams CAN come true!

NOT a DREAM!

Sookie sneaks out from the “grounding” Papa Bill Compton enforced on her, and heads off to Fangtasia to visit Eric.

Time for dessert!

Sookie begins the meeting with all intentions of talking business, but Eric is much more interested in enjoying the Sookie Stackhouse Tongue Special, for his “Last Supper.”  Eric moves in close to Sookie, invading her personal space with gusto, just like he does in ALL of my favorite scenes, “If I meet the true death without at least having kissed you, Sookie Stackhouse, it would be my biggest regret.”

SQUUUUEEEE!

“That’s what I did during this scene!”

“Why does it sound like you are saying good bye,” whispers Sookie.

“Because I am,” responds Eric mournfully.

And then he leans in . . . and kisses her .  . . for REAL!  And guess what?  She KISSES HIM BACK!  And I’m not talking that peck on the lips, “I’m just humoring you, but you really remind me of of my grandpa,” kissing, either.  I am talking REAL, HONEST TO GOODNESS MAKING OUT, complete with arms fondling backs, and bodies squeezed tightly together like two halves of a delicious peanut butter sandwich.  In short — It’s the moment Sookie and Eric fans have been waiting for.  And it. is. AWESOME!

But then Pam (who I usually adore, but not today) has to come and screw it all up.

Pam implores Eric to either give Sookie up to Russell, or USE her, to save his own life.  (Note: There was some talk earlier in the episode, of Sookie’s blood permitting vampires to walk in the sun.  However, Bill assured Eric that the effect was only temporary.)

In the final scene of the episode, Eric shocks all of us, by carrying Sookie into a dungeon (the same one where he held Lafayette prisoner during the early part of Season 2), and chaining her to a wheel, by her neck. 

Who knew Eric was so into S&M?

Sookie immediately concludes that Eric has betrayed her.  But has he?  Or is he just doing this to save HER life?  Only time will tell . . .

Tommy Makes His Move (But So Does Hoyt!)

Back at Merlotte’s, our favorite Baby Vamp and Teen Shapeshifter are working HARD, and getting dirty together on the floor . . .

 Mmmmm, KINKY!

Unfortunately, Arlene the Ass isn’t helping them AT ALL!  Instead, that b*tch is  watching TV . . .

And who’s on the tube, you ask?  It’s Looney Tunes Hatemonger, Steve Newlin, of course!

For those of you just tuning in, Steve Newlin was one of the main villains of True Blood‘s Second Season.  He is the leader of a Vampire Hate cult called the Fellowship of the Sun.  The oddly charismatic Steve even briefly indoctrinated Bon Temps own Jason Stackhouse into his Sick Sad Cult World . . .

Fortunately, however, Good Ole’ Jason couldn’t keep it in his pants, as per usual . . . And when he started doing the horizontal mambo with Steve’s wife, Sarah . . .

 . . . Steve decided he didn’t want Jason in his little club anymore.

So, anyway, Arlene is busy not-cleaning, and watching Steve Newlin peddle his hate, when she suddenly blurts out, “It was only a matter of time before one of y’all got caught on film.”  (“Y’all” obviously referring to Jessica and the rest of her vampire kind.) 

OH NO, she DIDN’T!

Well, needless to say, Jessica doesn’t like that comment very much . . .

OK.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I loved this scene.  But the whole “Vampire gets mad and pushes the bad guy (or girl) against the wall, super fast” thing?  It happens EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.  And it’s getting kind of old.  Why can’t they just drop kick the bastards, and be done with it?

Apparently, Jessica has a little something she wants to say to her Good Ole Pal, Arlene.  “OK.  We get it.  You don’t like vampires.  Well I don’t like narrow minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs.  But at least I’ve got the courtesy to keep my mouth shut about it . . . most of the time,” seethes the  Baby Vamp.

Meanwhile, Tommy, who has been watching this entire exchange take place, is clearly turned on . . .

“Damn!  This is better than the porn I watched on PayPerView last night, and charged to Sam’s credit card.”

“You don’t think he knows, do you?”

After Arlene scampers away, like the whiny coward she is, Tommy moves in for the “kill,” telling Jessica how hot her fangs and rage issues are to him.  But Jessica is still hung up on Hoyt, and she tells Tommy as much.  “Then why are you here with me and not him?”  Tommy asks, with surprising amount of bravado, seeing as Jessica has given him NO REASON whatsoever to believe she’s interested.

“If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on Vampire let me know!”

“Because this is my shift.  Duh!  Because Hoyt is too good for me,” Jessica pouts.

Never much for self-respect  (You know what they say about lying down with dogs, after all .  . .), Tommy responds, “But I’m not too good for you.”

Then, Jessica leaves his ass.  BURN! 

Ummm, Tommy.  I have a book recommendation for you . . .

Meanwhile, Hoyt is in the car with a VERY HORNY Summer .  . .

Summer is ready to do it with Hoyt, because she thinks screwing him will save their dead-in the-water relationship.

“I have a mouth like a hoover, if that helps!”

To Hoyt’s credit, he doesn’t enjoy his Summer.  Instead, he grows some balls, and finally kicks the antiquing, porcelain doll collecting, freako to the curb.

“Does this mean no more biscuits?”

Immediately after ditching Summer, Hoyt rushes to the bar to profess his love to Jessica!

But she once again blows him off . . .

When Hoyt storms out, Tommy rushes after him, to rub salt in his nemesis’ wound .  . . so Hoyt decks him.  Then Tommy turns into THIS . . .

. . . and attacks Hoyt.  (Ummm . . . weirdest fight over a girl, EVER!)

When Jessica comes outside, and sees Hoyt being attacked by Doggy Tommy, she easily tosses him into the trees, like he’s a random piece of dust that got on her shirt.  It is the coolest thing EVER! 

 (Another note: It’s uncertain at this point, whether Jessica KNOWS what Tommy is.  Perhaps, she just thought Hoyt, was being attacked by some random mangy mutt.  Perhaps not . . .)

As Naked Tommy looks on sadly from the bushes, Jessica tells Hoyt she loves him too.  She then forces him to drink her blood, to heal his Tommy bites.

Awwww yeah!  It’s only a matter of time, before these two are de and re-virginizing eachother regularly once again.  And I for one, couldn’t be happier . . .

I’m sorry, Tommy!  I know things haven’t exactly been easy for you during this episode.  Fortunately, however, I have something that is sure to cheer you right up . . .

You’re welcome!

Sam Merlotte Gets “Lost”

While Tommy was busy getting beat up by a girl and rejected, his dog partner in crime, Sam, was equally busy altering his entire personality from the past three seasons — by snapping at everyone, drinking heavily, and experiencing flashbacks.  Since when did Sam Merlotte become Sawyer from Lost?

“Is this another Flash-Sideways?”

Just like a certain, Flight 815 survivor, apparently Sam Merlotte was somewhat of a con artist in his “past life.”  In fact, he made most of his cash by robbing banks and jewelry stores, using his shapeshifting abilities to sneak in and out unnoticed.

“And to think, all this time, I’ve been relying on my good looks and great abs to get me in the door . . .”

In Sam’s little flashback, he seems to have a girlfriend . . .

Yeah, bye bye is right, b&tch!

The girlfriend is played by Arielle Kebbel.  And if you know the actress, you knew the character was a goner, the moment she appeared on screen.  After all, Arielle bears the dubious distinction of being the girl who’s character gets tragically killed in EVERY SINGLE supernatural TV show or horror movie in which she is featured . . .

This is DEAD Arielle Kebbel in The Vampire Diaries.  Believe it or not, she actually played a VAMPIRE in that one . . .

Anyway, apparently, Arielle (or whatever her name was in the episode) was only using Sam, so that she and her boyfriend could get his money and booty .  . .

 . . . runoff, and live Trashily Ever After.  When I heard this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another blonde brat who tried to do the EXACT SAME THING to the man who loved her . . .

Yeah . . . her.  Apparently, it was LOST Day on True Blood . . .

So, b&tchy Arielle and her beau escape with poor Sam’s moolah, while Sam lies writhing on the floor, plotting his revenge.  He gets it the next night, when he arrives in dog form at the couple’s campsite.  (Really?  A campsite?  All those jewels and cash, and these two couldn’t afford a hotel?  What gives True Blood?)

So, Sam morphs back into human form, and holds a gun at Bad Boyfriend’s head . . .

Sam then knocks the dude unconscious and waves the gun over his prone form.  Then Arielle takes out a gun and holds it at Sam’s head.  Not thinking clearly, Sam instantly shoots his so called lady love dead.  In anguish, he then shoots the boyfriend to cover his tracks, and leaves the campsite. 

AHA!

So, NOW we know why Sam was on the run from the cops during the first season!  It all makes sense now!  I just wonder why he never got around to changing his name, seeing as “Sam Merlotte” may or may not still be wanted for murder . . .

Speaking of Murderers .  . .

Arlene FINALLY tells Terry that the baby in her belly is not his, but rather Evil Rene’s.  And you know what?  Terry is AWESOME about it . . .

He offers to raise the baby as his own, and give it so much love, it can’t possibly turn evil.  (Awwww, I heart HIM!)

And yet, Arlene STILL wants to get rid of the baby.  So, she asks her new “Wiccan” friend Holly to help her out in this regard.

Arlene is a total Poopyhead!

In fact, that’s what I think I will call her for the rest of the Season .  . .

Have a nice trip, boys!

Lafayette’s and Jesus’ story this week, started with a miraculous rescue . . .

 . . . and ended with a “trip” that looked like a Disney World ride . . .

“Hey, isnt that the old hag from Snow White?  Weird!”

It all started when Trailer Trash Barbie . . .

  . . . Crystal, along with Jesus . . .

 . . . and Lafayette were driving around with a half-dead Calvin Norris in the backseat.  Since there didn’t seem to be any time to get to a hospital  (And lets face it, with the exception of Jesus, NONE of those folks have an ounce of health insurance.), Lafayette decides to take the whole gang to his house.  There, he feeds Calvin some of that vampire blood he has been dealing.  Calvin heals almost immediately, but then disowns his daughter for letting two gay guys feed him V.  Talk about ungrateful!

“Them f*ckers is a WHOLE NEW DIMENSION of trash!”  Lafayette muses. 

Trash . . . the final frontier.

Alone again, Jesus, who despite being all holier than thou, and “I can’t date a drug dealer,” just episodes earlier, begs Lafayette to take V with him. 

Remembering how much he LOVED the stuff last time . . .

 . . . Lafayette agrees, and the two have this weird theme park-esque tripping sequence, where they proceed to tell eachother about their family roots, both of which seem steeped in freaky voodoo-type magic.  But the absolute weirdest hallucination of them all was THIS GUY . . .

Apparently, Jesus has an evil grandfather of some sort.  (Hope his name isn’t Judas . . .)

And finally . . .

Bat sh*t crazy Russell . . .

 .  . . picked up some random male prostitute, holed up with him in a random hotel, and talked to him as if he was Talbot, before staking him.

“Oh, Russell!  This is BEYOND offensive!  I am WAY cuter than this guy!  And you did it in a seedy motel, with COTTON sheets instead of silk.  If my guts weren’t trapped in that vase of yours, I’d be ROLLING OVER in my grave!”

Oh, and I almost forgot . . .

After Jason uninvited Bill to his apartment, because Bill gave him WAY TOO MUCH crap for accidentally letting Sookie, a GROWN woman, escape, Crystal . . .

 . . . snuck into Jason’s house, and revealed herself to be one of THESE . . .

Watch out Tara, I smell a CAT FIGHT in your future . . .

So, there you have it folks, another spectacular installment of True Blood is in the can.  Can you believe there are only two episodes remaining, before we bid this fabulous Season adieu?

 [www.juliekushner.com]

True Blood Minisode 5 – Vampire Bill has a new “Lady Friend” . . .

Happy Tuesday, Fangbangers!  Guess what?  It’s time for yet another installment of HBO’s Drop of True Blood minisode series!  (Just in case you didn’t figure that out from reading the title to this post .  . .)  This minisode stars none-other-than Bon Temps very own, recently kidnapped, Vampire Bill! 

 “Oh wow!”  You say. 

“Is he OK?”  You wonder. 

“Where are they keeping him?   Is he being tortured?”  You cry out, in anguish.

Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to ANY of these questions.  And watching this clip won’t exactly help YOU to answer them either.  After all, this “mini” takes place in Vampire Bill’s house.  And, in it, he’s just hanging out in his bathrobe, looking happy as a clam.  

(Why do people always say that?   Happy as a clam .  .  . Do YOU know any happy clams?  Because if I was a clam, I think I’d be pretty friggin miserable ALL THE TIME .  . . but that’s just me.)

But enough about clams . . . . back to the clip.  It pretty obviously takes place before the Season 2 finale.   Seeing as, during that episode, SOMEONE  . . . you know . . .  bound up Vampire Bill, gagged him, and dragged him away . . . presumably never to be seen until Season 3 AGAIN!

I’m thinking that — like the Sookie, Tara, and Lafayette scene that I posted here a few weeks ago — this minisode is yet another example of a  “deleted scene” from Season 2.  In it, a strange woman arrives at Vampire Bill’s home, late at night.  And she has something HE wants . . .  The question is, how far is he willing to go, to get it?  You’ll just have to watch and see . . .

Thanks again to ShirtlessLocke, for allowing clip embedding!

OK . . . OK . . . I’ll admit it.  My post title,  my intro picture, and pretty much everything I wrote here, up until I embedded the YouTube clip, were all a bit misleading.  But honestly, I don’t think ANYONE would have clicked on the link to this post, if I called it “Vampire Bill Scams a Cheap Engagement Ring Off Some Old Horny Broad.”  Can you blame me for trying to spice things up a bit?

Now, those of you who have read my previous True Blood posts, already know that I have a tendency to be a bit down on our Fangy Friend, Mister Bill, here . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong!  It’s not that I don’t like Vampire Bill!  I DO!  It’s just that he’s not . . .  this guy . . .

 . . . or this guy . . .

 . . . or THESE guys . . .

 . . . who, despite being on an ENTIRELY different show, still manage to surpass our pal, Bill, in the hot brooding vampire department.

That being said, major props to Stephen Moyer for inserting a nice bit of humor into this scene, and making Vampire Bill just a bit more likeable.  Having watched this clip, I think we all gained a bit more insight into what truly makes Vampire Bill tick . . . 

For example, we learned that he is FABULOUS bargain hunter!  Bill Compton would be a great guy to bring along with you, if you were . . . say . . . heading to your local flea market (assuming, of course, that your “local flea market” keeps night hours . . .). 

“Hey, would someone close the shades, please!  I’m starting to decay . . .”

In this “important” scene, Bill also proved himself to be a loyal lover to Sookie. 

 Then again, I’d probably be a bit more impressed with his manly “restraint,” had his temptress not borne such a resemblance to my best friend’s grandmother . . .

Now Granny, I meant that in the nicest way possible!  There’s no need to get all riled up!  Did you forget to take your meds again?

Tune in next week for the FINAL minisode of the Drop of True Blood Series.  After that  . . . Next stop SEASON 3!

Heck!  Even Josh Holloway is excited!  And this isn’t even HIS show!

Just in case you’ve missed any of the True Blood goodies previously posted on this site, you can catch the extended promo for Season 3 of True Blood here.  (Don’t forget to read the comment section.  There, my blogging buddy, Lola (of Lovely Entropy fame),  posted a FABULOUS True Blood sneak peak, one that will allow you to get a glimpse of what Vampire Eric looks like, after having endured SIX HOURS of nonstop sex!

Here’s a hint of what you might see . . .

Once you’re done drooling over that, feel free to check out past minisodes, by clicking . . .

Here (Minisode 4 – Starring Sam);

Here (Minisode 3 – Starring Sookie, Tara, and Lafayette);

Here (Minisode 2 – Starring Vampire Jessica);

and Here (Minisode 1 – Starring Vampires Eric and Pam).

True Blood Season 3 premieres on June 13th, at 9 p.m. on HBO.  Be there!  Or Vampire Bill will make you wear his ugly robe FOR ALL ETERNITY!

True Blood Minisode 3 – CATFIGHT! (Sookie, Tara & Lafayette)

Welcome back, fellow Fangbangers!  It’s Tuesday, and you know what that means . . .  You got it!  The third of six True Blood Minisodes has just been “leaked” online. 

(Seeing as how one of these puppies has been “leaked” every Tuesday, since April 27th, I’m pretty sure that this has been HBO’s grand plan all along.  Just a little something to get us nerdy bloggers all riled up about the show, and feeling special.  After all, WE (and everyone else with a computer who knows how to use a Search Engine) get to see the minisodes, before HBO ACTUALLY airs them on Sunday nights.  Still, it’s a pretty ingenious marketing tool, if you ask me . . .)

This week’s installment of  “A Drop of True Blood” features our three favorite Bon Temps girls: BFF’s Sookie and Tara (who, quite honestly, have been seeming a lot less chummy, of late) . . .

They just found out I spilled the beans about the whole “Tuesday internet leak” thing.  Don’t worry ladies, I promise to keep it between just us girls . . .

 . . . and, of course, the inimitable Lafayette . . .

You take off those earrings girl!  (I’d rather not have them in my soup . . .)

Now, initially, I was under the impression that these minisodes were supposed to take place at some point in time, between Seasons 2 and 3.  Here, we see that this is not necessarily the case.  This minisode, in particular, seems more like a deleted scene from the Season 2 finale than anything “new.”  For one thing, check out the dress Sookie is showing off to Tara at Merlotte’s.  Does it look familiar to you?

Of course, there’s a second, much more obvious, reason why I think that this scene had to have occurred chronologically before the Season 2 Finale concluded.  But, I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves . . .  Roll the clip . . .

(If, for any reason, this video disappears before you get to see it, you can also catch it at Dread Central and Jivid.com.)

Now that I think about it, there’s a third reason this scene had to take place before the Season 2 finale ended. Did you pick up on it?  I’ll give you a hint.

By the way, how much do you love Lafayette, in this scene?  “B*tches you both is pretty!” –    Classic!

While we’re sharing, HBO has also released its newest promo for the show today.  And if big blue dogs, and bad CGI graphics (sorry Alan Ball) are your thing, you’re going to love this one . . .

If this promo is any indication, I’m thinking there’s a good chance that the next True Blood minisode will feature Bon Temps’ newest visitor and werewolf, Alcide Herveaux, played by Joe Mangiello, of One Tree Hill fame. 

Here’s hoping the video clip somehow involves this guy being shirtless . . .

(For more on the new cast members signing on for Season 3 of True Blood, click here.)

And if, by any chance, you missed any of the True Blood Minisodes that have already aired, you can catch the first one, which features a tracksuit- wearing Vampire Eric and a bisexual Vampire Pam auditioning new dancers for Fangtasia Bar, here . . .

 

 . . . and the second one, which involves a casino-hopping and hungry Vampire Jessica, here.

Thirsty for more, True Blood goodness?  Check out the show’s newest fan, Lola at Lovely Entropy, and her take on Vampire Bill’s penchant for that hideous hillbilly shirt he always wears.  (I laughed until I peed!)

True Blood premieres Sunday, June 13th on HBO.  Be there, or be eaten by vampires . . . and werewolves, of course.

 

The True Blood Minisodes are HERE!

Can’t wait until Sunday, June 13th, for your True Blood fix?  Apparently, neither can HBO, because they’ve decided to release six standalone “minisodes” for the show, before the season even begins!  The shorts will be written by the main man, Alan Ball, himself.  These “minisodes” were not SUPPOSED to premiere, until May 2nd on HBO, as per this promo . . .

HOWEVER . . . the first minisode, which features Eric and Pam and some REALLY BAD DANCING, hit the Internet TODAY!  And, would you believe, those nice folks at HBO are ACTUALLY letting me embed it?  Oh, how I heart them!  Enjoy!

Cute, right?  You know what would have made it even better, though?  Eric in a bathtub . . .

In other news, fans of Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire Mysteries, the novels on which the True Blood series is based, will have one more book to read come May 4th, when Dead in the Family, the tenth book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, is released worldwide.

Thirsty for info on the book?  You can read the first chapter of it over at Charlaine Harris’s website here.  Oh, and here’s another cool tidbit.  For those of you, like me, who like to read new books, but are generally too cheap to shell out the big bucks for the hardcover versions, Amazon.com is offering a pretty sweet deal.  As it turns out, if you preorder this book online from them, you can get it for $9.99, in HARDCOVER, no less!

You can find the Amazon link here.

You see?  It’s not always about snarky recaps and shirtless men, here at TV Recappers.  Sometimes I save you money, and bring you late breaking news . . . 

Oh, who am I kidding?  It’s ALWAYS really just about the Shirtless Men!