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MOUNTAIN ASSSSHHHHHHHH! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 2 Finale “Master Plan”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining.  The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths (though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]

In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .

“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS.  Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”

When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field.  (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)

Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy.  Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.

“Ooh!  Can I come along?  Can I?  Can I?  This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!

Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy.  But hey!  It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.  (For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)

“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son.  Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son.  (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”

So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!

Later, we are at the morgue.  And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson!  (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty.  And I know you’re lonely.  But, trust me, girl.  You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)

“I just want to be loved, dammit!  Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”

Oh, that’s right!  I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet!  You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably.  In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .

As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff.  (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.”  But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)

Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.

“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”

Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .

One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co.  They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment.  And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .

What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?

Oops . . . too late.


Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards.  Do they really have teeth like that?  Because . . . yuck.

Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.”  Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .

In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .

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Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type.  (Geez!  How many Argents are there in this town?  Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . .  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott.  Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)

After belly flopping on the hard cold ground (What’s the matter?  Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents?  Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .

This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .

Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity.  And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out.  (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back.  Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .

Oh hey!  Gerard has joined this party!  He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).

“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”

Seriously, Teen Wolf?  Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid?  Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies?  What’s next?  Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?

What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least.  This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers?  If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist?   I’m serious.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .

Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location.  However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky.  Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott?  Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .

“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now.  If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”

That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . .  . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy.  I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face.  Clearly, the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .

Don’t be sad, Stiles.  Chicks dig scars . . .

Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.

And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode.  (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)

I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!

At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom .  . .

In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s  . . .

Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night.  And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?

*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here.  This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.

In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .

I mean, it just had so much potential!  Think about it.  The couple is alone in the bedroom.  They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . .  It could have been EPIC.

It wasn’t . . .

Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .

“Come on!  Kiss me, you fool.  This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”

Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .

Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back?  But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?

Well, Lydia certainly remembers.  And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key.  After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy.  And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner.  And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .

“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”

Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV!  You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks.  Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.

“Hi Teen Wolf fans.  Check out my MACY’S bags.  Because I shop at MACY’S.  Yes, MACY’S.  (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”

“Ah-ha!”  Stydia fans say!  Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?

Yep, that’s the one . . .

Except, we don’t . . .

But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry from Macy’s!  Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .

“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.

(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills.  Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)

Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .

But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY!  I was MAD!

Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .

“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”

Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own.  He finds it selfish  . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .

See, it all comes full circle . . .

Now, me?  If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .

Lydia?  She left . . .

It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .

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Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve.  But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski.  You get an “A” for effort.

Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .

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Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale.  So, I’m not going to complain.  But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?

Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?

After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet).  So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?

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No matter.  This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.

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Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . .   Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .

Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .

I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video.  Wouldn’t you?

In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .

Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .

Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch.  At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles.  And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .

She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .

Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow.  B*tch totally deserved it . . .

Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .

As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima.  He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .

Rumble in the Were-House!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.

“What, and mess up this hairdo?  Seriously!”

There’s a twist though.  The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.

“Come on!  Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”

That’s right, Werebangers.  It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.

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As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek.  Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .

SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”

DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA!  He’s wrinkly.  Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”

How’s that for a surprise!  You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer.  And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .

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Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite.  The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .

“Huzzah!  I’m bleeding black blood!  HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”

 . . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .

Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .

BUT WHY?  You might be wondering . . .

Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!

This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea.  Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .

Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .

AHHH!  MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE.  Come on!  How could you NOT laugh at that?  That’s friggin hilarious.  Here, let’s watch it again . . .

Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess.  And we THINK he’s dead.  But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.”  See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .

In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .

Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .

Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all.  She gives Jackson his key.

“What, no flat screen TV?  Cheap B*tch!”

The pair then flashback to “better days” . . .  you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .

Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .

So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!

Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Are you ticklish?  I bet you are!  *tickle, tickle, tickle*  Oops!  Damn claws!”

Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self.  We’ll miss you, Jackson!  Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .

Buuuuut, suddenly,  Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music.  Now, his ass lit up like the SUN!  It’s GLORIOUS!

“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”

Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .

You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .

“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”

Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage?  Tune in next season to find out . . .

Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again.  And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .

Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .

In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .

I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE.  There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf .  . . that sneaky bastard.  First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well .  . .

Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S (though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.

THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing.  (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)

“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”

Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .

He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog  . . .

FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂

And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell.  And that was our Season.  I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)).  It’s truly been a blast!  See ya next season, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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Post-Traumatic Kanaima Syndrome – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield”

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OMG, Werebangers!  We are officially one episode away from the end of the season!  It seems like only yesterday that we watched Lydia take the Dirtiest Shower Ever, and we all made fun of Scott and his trademark Crab-Leg / Run-Waddle . . .

This week on Teen Wolf, Derek received some “Uncle-y” (Is that an actual word?) Advice, Allison proved that the Psycho Argent Gene might not have skipped a generation, after all, Stiles proved that he might actually be Batman (though, personally, the Spiderman analogy always made more sense to me), Isaac fondled an adorable puppy, and Scott spent the hour looking even more confused than usual . . .

So, strap on your helmet and brush up on your knowledge of the film Independence Day, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

[As always, special thanks go out to my pal, Andre for his weekly dedication to Screencap Awesomeness!  Andre, just so you know, I would totally beat people up on the lacrosse field, for you, if you asked nicely. ;)]

Hyper-Vigilence

I hear lacrosse sticks are a good source of fiber.

One frequent criticism lodged at teen shows, in general, and teen supernatural shows, specifically, is that they tend to be purposefully blind to the long-term impact that repeated exposure to traumatic events would have on the average teen psyche.

Teen Wolf has managed to avoid this pitfall, with episodes like “Battlefield.”  These episodes directly address how the events of the series are impacting the main characters’ lives, in a way that actually adds to, rather than detracts from, the action of the story.

I guess we have Cryptic Counselor Lady to thank for that . . .

The episode begins on an unusually somber note, with everyone’s favorite ambassador of Team Human, nervously gnawing on his lacrosse stick (Mmmm!  Tasty!), as he describes to Cryptic Counselor Lady, in chilling detail, what the experience of drowning feels like . . . the way the water exerts pressure on the body .  . . the way the body struggles to keep itself from filling with water .  . . and the peaceful feeling that takes over right before death . . .

This doesn’t look so peaceful to me . . .

Woah,  Stiles!  Have you been chatting with Dead Creepy Camera Guy, lately?  How do you know all this stuff about drowning?  Did you look it up on Wikipedia?  Morbid much?  Whatever happened to teens who spent their free internet search time scouring for porn, like everyone else? 🙂

“So, basically WebMD says that little problem you’ve been having down there is totally normal for werewolves, who come back from the dead through weird hand-holding rituals.”

And yet, in a way, Stiles has experienced drowning, firsthand . . . though it’s drowning in the metaphorical sense, more than the literal one.  Like a drowning man, Stiles is feeling pressure exerted on him from all angles.  He feels responsible for his father’s sadness (But hey, at least thanks to all those dead cops, the dude got his job back!), Allison’s rage, Jackson’s and Lydia’s respective psychoses, and Scott’s confusion and loneliness.   He wants to help the people he cares about, but feels that his humanity makes him incapable of doing so.  He’s also pretty f*&kin’ freaked out that he might just end up getting eaten alive by a Big F*&kin’ Lizard Man .  . .

Cryptic Counselor Lady, as it turns out, has a medical  diagnosis for “pretty f*&kin freaked out.”  It’s called Hyper Vigilant.  (Take that, Freshman Psychology Class!)  She also has some advice for Stiles, courtesy of Winston Churchill.  “If you are going through Hell, keep going.”

Insightful?  Yes, definitely.  Inspirational?  Oh, I don’t know.  Personally, when I’m going through Hell, I prefer to stop and take a nap . . .

Either way, Dylan O’Brien and his puppy dog eyes absolutely KILLED this scene, adding an unusual amount of gravitas to a show about funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-looking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .  The actor is just awe-inspiringly talented.  And I for one, can’t wait for the time, when he’s off winning Oscars, and I get to brag to everyone I know, that I knew him back when he was on that little MTV show with the funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-loooking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .

Who’s with me on this one?

Cue the obligatory Scott Shower Scene in 3, 2 . . .

“Hey Ladies!  I’m the wolf your man could smell like . . .”

Lest we get too serious, too quickly, the episode then decides to dial up it’s camp factor to about 20 with a revisit to Naked Shower Scott.  You remember Naked Shower Scott,  right?  We met him back in the pilot, and he’s been having regular cameos on the show ever since.  After all, when you spend a good portion of your time running around the woods chasing squirrels, and running from lizard people,  hygiene is VERY important . . .

Naked Shower Scott not campy enough for you?  How about this doozy of an image?

“Just hangin’ out . . .”

Sadly, this is Mama McCall’s first date since Peter Hale . . .

That’s right, Werebangers! It appears the McCalls have unwittingly thrown themselves a private party, at which scaly green men, and wrinkly old men are the guests of honor.  Poor Mama McCall!  Not too long ago, she found out her son occasionally sports sideburns, a bad hairdo, and a pointy face that literally only a mother could love.  Now, suddenly, she’s hanging out on her werewolf son’s ceiling, spooning with a murderous kanaima.

I guess, when it rains, it pours, right?

Grandpa Crazy Pants reminds Scott that this is what happens, when the latter doesn’t return his text messages . . . his mom starts hooking up with lizard people.  Pops then goes on to explain to those confused by the events of last week’s episode, that his desire to avenge his daughter Wackjob Kate’s death,  is what made him capable of forging the Kanaima Master connection.

“‘S-up, Wolfie?”

I guess he’s right.   But, then again, what character on this show DOESN’T have at least one death to avenge?  Truth be told, Kanaima Jackson has so many options for a Master in Beacon Hills, he could star in his own reality dating show entitled: Can I be your b*tch?

Anyway, after Gerard and his b*tch exit stage left, a tearful Mama McCall begs Scott to do whatever Grandpa Crazy Pants wants him to do, i.e. provide Derek Hale’s head on a platter . . .

Clearly, Mama McCall has never seen the episode of Teen Wolf where Derek spent ten minutes doing push-ups and pull-ups to pop music . . .

Had she seen this, I’m quite certain she would have chosen differently.   After all, a six-pack and great pects are a terrible thing to waste . . .

Baby, I’m howling for you . . .

Here’s a new couple idea for you: Boyd and Erica . .  . the Absentee Werewolf and Tweedle Dumb Boobs.

We found love in a hairy place . . .

I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first.  But eventually, they won me over . . . holding hands in the middle of the woods, like high school sweethearts, finishing each other’s sentences, calculating the percent chance of certain doom, when they find themselves surrounded by a seemingly large pack of wolves that isn’t there own.  It’s a romantic comedy dream come true . . . minus the comedy, of course . . .

Love hurts . . .

And if these two crazy kid both wind-up surviving the season, which, under the circumstances, is highly unlikely, I think they just might make it as a couple . . .

After all, they did find love in a hopeless place.  Stay strong, were-cubs!  Help is on the way . . . eventually.

Who in their right mind would reject Derek Hale?

Scratch that, were-cubs.  Help was on the way, until you bit the hand that fed you.  So much for pack loyalty.  One creepy lizard thing controlled by a werewolf-hating sociopath, and a pack of potentially angry wolves, is all it takes to send Erica and Boyd literally heading for the hills.

“Honestly, we’re just not that into you.

“But I was on SEVENTH HEAVEN.  Doesn’t that mean anything to you ingrates?”

And as bad as I felt for Derek about being double-dumped, I was actually a bit more concerned about Erica’s and Boyd’s parents.  I mean, considering they were being referred to as “the runaways” throughout the entire hour,  they HAD them, didn’t they?  Perhaps, they assumed their sticking around would put their families in danger of becoming kanaima meat as well . . .

Upon hearing the bad news that, “it’s not you, it’s the kanaima,” a particularly sour grapes Derek warns his little cub-lings that once they start running scared, they will ALWAYS be running scared.  I suspect Derek knows a thing or two about that from personal experience.

That, and he looks really hot when he runs . . .

No matter, because,  as it turns out, Erica and Boyd don’t actually get to do much running at all .  . .

Because Grandpa Argent clearly laces his fake suicide notes with crack and Cult Kool-Aid . . .

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Katniss Everdeen does not approve . . .

Honestly,  I’m a bit confused about what exactly the “strategy” was that convinced an entire team of Argents, led by Allison and Papa Argent to drive down Erica and Boyd in a troop of ATVs.  Forgive me, if I’m wrong, but I thought it was established last week that “Derek got the Death Sentence priority,” and the were-cubs were only a target, if they got in the way. Well, I hate to break it to you Argents, but Erica and Boyd, are SOOOO not getting in your way!  In fact, they are saying, “Hey, Argents!  You go ahead and kill that hunky piece of man-meat known as our were-dad.  We sure as heck aren’t going to stop you!”

“Wake us, when our maker is dead . . .”

I mean, I guess their idea was to use Boyd and Erica to get to Derek, either through interrogation or ransom.  But still, the “strategy” seems to pretty blatantly fly in the face of that whole “Argent Code.”  Don’t you think?

Oh, and ATV’S?  Not exactly the most stealthy hunting vehicles.  You might as well tracked down Boyd and Erica using monster trucks . . .

ALLISON: “Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting werewolves.”

CHRIS: “WHAT?!  I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE ENGINE!”

Anywhoo, Allison pulls out her trusty bow and arrow, and shoots Erica in the side, immediately immobilizing her.  Then, when Boyd (lamely) tries to come to her aid (HELLO!  YOU ARE WEREWOLVES!  DEFEND YOURSELVES!  SHAKE WHAT YOUR DEREK GAVE YOU!), Allison’s got an arrow for him too, multiple arrows, in fact.

“Heartburn . . . need . . . TUMS.”

Did I mention that Allison continues to pelt poor Erica and Boyd with arrows, despite the fact that they have long been immobilized,  and neither is a threat anymore.  It gets to the point where Papa Argent has to literally shoot the bow and arrow out of Allison’s hand to get her to stop having so much fun!

Now, granted, werewolves heal.  So, unless the bullets on those bows were silver tipped, Allison was in no danger of killing Boyd or Erica, no matter how many of them she wasted on them.   Still though, it was an uncharacteristically cold move on Allison’s part.  And when your wacky, “I kidnap my own daughter sometimes,  just to teach her a lesson” father, thinks you’ve gone too far, it’s a pretty safe bet that you have . . .

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Even more uncharacteristic of Allison was the surprisingly sleazy and arrogant joy she got out of capturing her two classmates.  This accomplishment she haughtily took full credit for, in front of her father, just before gleefully calling “Grandpa” to report the good news.  That’s right, I said “Grandpa.”  Allison used to distance herself from the loony tunes old dude who spawned her father, by coldly referring to him as “Gerard.”  Now, suddenly, she’s acting like their Mean Girl besties.

Daddy definitely does NOT approve . . .

My thoughts on this plot development?  Too much, too fast . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved seeing the heretofore almost frustratingly even=keeled Allison come a bit unhinged in these past few weeks over the death of her mother.  And, acting-wise, Crystal Reed has really been “bringing it” in this regard.  But what made Good Girl  Allison’s slow descent in to Darth Vader territory seem so authentic and believable was that it was all anchored by a heart-wrenching sadness, and a lazer-like focus on Derek, the man she presumes to be her mother’s killer.

This week, Allison just seemed a little too happy for my liking.  Her sudden glee over repeatedly shooting her classmates, when they were already down, for no reason whatsoever, was a bit hard for me to swallow.

Whatever Gerard put in that faux suicide letter must have been pretty darn powerful stuff to get Allison to change her ENTIRE personality for it, in the course of a week.  Hey, maybe he laced it with that same crazy (“kill all the humans”) Cult Blood the vampires have been inhaling on True Blood . . .

A Hale Family Zombie Reunion

Back at the Hale house,  Derek’s day just continues to get worse,  as he finds himself faced with the Uncle he both killed, and unwittingly helped to come back from the dead.  (How very Shakespearean!)

“You can tell I’m more dignified now, because I have a soul patch, and use hair gel . . .”

The two family members “catch up” with one another, by tossing household items at one another, and basically beating the sh*t at each other for a few hours.  You know, just like old times!

Then, Peter (who, I’ll say this again, has been looking SUPER fine, since his reincarnation) decides to go all Yoda on Derek’s ass.  “Save Jackson, you will.  Teach you to stop being such a lame Alpha,  I can,” Yoda Peter tells his nephew, more or less . . .

Peter claims that Jackson only became the kanaima in the first place, because he lacked a sense of identity.  (That whole “no face” hallucination in the “Party Guessed” episode would seem to prove as much . . .)  He further explains that calling Jackson by his “Christian” name, should be enough to bring him back to himself.  (I guess being a burned-up corpse  in the ground gives you a lot of time to catch up on your Bestiary reading . . .)

Oh, and here’s the kicker,  Peter claims that the Hale’s should use Lydia to save Jackson, since he looooooooves her so much.

Is it just a mere coincidence that the person Peter wants to incorporate into their grand Kanaima-Away plan for Jackson Wittemore, just so happens to be the same girl Uncle ex-Alpha has been mind-raping, and using as his zombie slave all season?  I think not  . . .

Because, here’s the thing, I don’t care how hot he looks lately, I’m totally not buying Peter’s whole “I just want to be part of a pack again,” act.   A few episodes back, the Vet explicitly told Derek to watch out for Peter’s attempts to mentally manipulate him.  Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening here . . .

Good Old Animal Magnetism

As much as I pick on Scott, I’m actually really enjoying the Scott / Isaac bromance that’s been percolating throughout the season.  So, I hope that continues, and they don’t decide to .  . . you know . . . kill the guy, or something.

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One thing that was never really addressed with Isaac were his thoughts about the whole “Matt Thing,” especially since we learned that the two were childhood friends, and that Matt was playing at his house, when the whole “drowning thing” occurred.  So, presumably, Isaac knew about it.  I wonder if that aspect of the story will ever come up again . . .

Anywhoo, I found it interesting that while Boyd and Erica decided amongst themselves to abandon Derek, and escape Beacon Hills, Isaac came to world-beater Scott at the Vet’s office for advice.

You could say THAT again . . .

Of all of Derek’s wolf pack, Isaac actually had the least to lose by leaving, since he LITERALLY has no one keeping him in Beacon Hills.  And yet, I still feel like he’s grasping for some connection, or reason to stay in town.  Derek Hale wasn’t that connection.  Neither was Erica Reyes.  Scott might be.  Except, Scott’s already got a whole Scooby Gang to wolf-sit.  Is there room for one more?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

“We can have slumber parties, and paint eachothers’ nails . . . just promise you won’t invite the swim team over, K?”

Oh, and did I mention that Werewolf Isaac has the power to fondle puppies and take their pain away.  Does it get much cuter than that?

“He can ‘take my pain away’ anytime!”

Too bad I’m pretty sure this power is going to be used to take the pain away from a dying human next week.

But for now, we can just enjoy the adorable puppy love-ness of it all . . .

Because lacrosse games are exactly like Potentially Apocalyptic Alien Invasions . . .

It’s time for the Big Game. Jackson the Lizard Slave is in attendance, looking eeeeevvvill.  Pal Dann wants to know why Jackson hasn’t been returning his calls.  Maybe it’s because Hallmark hasn’t started selling: “Sorry, I became the kanaima and accidentally / on purpose paralyzed you, while going on my killing spree” cards just yet . . .

“Is this because I watched your sex tape?”

“That depends.  Did you enjoy it?”

Regardless, Danny’s reaching out and calling to Jackson seems to break him out of his kanaima-fueled trance (just like Lydia was able to do last week) long enough to tell his best friend to RUN, if he sees him coming toward him at the game.  Solid advice, Kanaima man!

Meanwhile, Coach Crackhead is inexplicably quoting the 1996 classic Alien Invasion Film, Independence Day (starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman as . . . wait for it . . . the President of the United States) — a movie that the entire locker room is way too young to have possibly seen in theaters — in order to rev the team up for their big game.

“That Bill Pullman is SO dreamy!”

(Well, I guess the kanaima is kind of alien-looking, when you really think about it.  So, perhaps, the film reference isn’t quite as out there as it initially seemed.)

“Who you calling an ALIEN?”

Speaking of out there,  what the frack is Scott’s mom doing in the gym locker room, ogling naked teenage boys?  I mean sure, we needed to see her go tell Scott to “be a hero” or something, and tell him that she no longer thinks he’s hideous, just because he sometimes gets sideburns and a pointy face.  But couldn’t this have waited until the team got to the field?

“You can’t fight it, Stiles.  I know if I wait here long enough,  eventually you are going to have to take off your shirt.”

Then again, along with the Coach himself, and Grandpa Argent, Mama McCall is probably the only one old enough to get the Independence Day reference.  (I mean, Stiles got it.  But that kid has “film geek” written all over him.)

Speaking of pep talks, Grandpa Crazy Pants Argent pops in to slyly tell the lacrosse team to MURDER the opposition.  Of course, we all know full well he doesn’t give two craps about the game, and is only there to command Jackson, and seriously freak out Scott.  But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?  Well . . . nevermind.

Anyway, mission accomplished, old man.

In which Stiles plays well (both with himself and others) . . .

Beacon Hills . . . we have a problem.  You see, Scott McCall is our star werewolf lacrosse player.  He’s also our co-captain, and resident super-hero, tasked with protecting the WORLD from Kanaima Jackson the Killing Machine, who just so happens to be the team’s other co-captain.  So, what’s the problem, you say?

Well, basically the problem is that Scott CAN’T PLAY!

He can’t play because he’s a moron.  his grades don’t meet the minimum requirements to participate in high school sports . . .

This means that, not only is there a good chance the Beavers are going to LOSE this game, there’s also a good chance . . . wait for it . . . THEY ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

This sounds like a job for Superman   Batman  Wolverine  Isaac Lahey?

“You were expecting someone taller?”

So, what’s his big plan?  Simple, he’s going to beat the crap out of everyone on his own team, so that the Coach has no choice but to play Scott, or risk forfeiting the game.

Wait . . . what?

Correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t know jack about lacrosse.  But doesn’t kicking your own teammates asses constitute some sort of a penalty, as in the kind of penalty that would get you thrown out of a game, before you REPEATED THE PROCESS ON ABOUT SIX PLAYERS?  It’s still kind of fun to watch, though . . .

Eventually, Isaac himself gets a taste of his own medicine (presumably from the Kanaima, himself, though he gets un-paralyzed surprisingly quickly, all things considered), and is pulled out of the game on a  stretcher.

That’s bad . . . (well, unless, of course, you were one of the players who didn’t end up getting beaten up because of it).

You know what’s very, very good, however?  STILES GETS TO PLAY!!!  (And not just with himself either, because he already did that twice today.)

And that causes Proud Papa Stilinski to have this reaction . . .

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Initially, Stiles kind of stinks up the joint on the field, which causes his personal cheering section to have this reaction . . .

But then, all of the sudden he’s AWESOME, which makes Lydia do THIS . . .

Seems like, if these keeps up, Stiles might be scoring in more ways than one, next season.  Hey, Lydia!  It’s high time you recognized the awesomeness of Stiles.  And, should you have any doubt in your mind that he is the right guy for you, might I remind you of the . . . size of his package?

*clears throat*

Hey Grandpa Crazy Pants!  I think it’s time to go back on your meds . . .

You see . . . it’s a pill container, and also a sundial . . . You gotta love old people and their trusty gadgets . . .

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t really understand how the Supersonic Werewolf Hearing Power works.  I mean, is it like a set of quality headphones, allowing you to drown out all crowd noises, in favor of the old geezer whispering sweet nothings in your ear from across the field?  And what about Grandpa himself, I mean, presumably he was speaking at normal volume.

He’s totally eye-f*&king you right now . . .

How come no one but Scott had to listen to him threaten to kill Coach Crackhead, Scott’s mom, and assorted others, if Scott didn’t deliver him Derek in a handbag (which would be a really great Christmas present . . . just saying. ;))?

I won’t dwell on this too long though.  What’s important here is that Beacon Hill WON THE GAME, even without Hero McCall!

This, of course, might prompt you to wonder where our hero had scampered off too, after Mini Hulk Isaac went through all that trouble to beat up his teammates.  Well, as it turns out he went to SAVE ISAAC from Gerard.

“You totally thought you were going to get to shove that up my ass, didn’t you?”

In short, it was a really nice case of You Scratch My Hairy Werewolf Back, I’ll scratch yours . . .

But I guess now you are wondering who Gerard ordered Jackson to kill at the end of the game.  And here’s the kicker, we still don’t know!  Because after the game ended all of the lights went out in the field!

And then, get this Jackson KANAIMA’ED HIMSELF!  (Way to take one for the team, Jackson . . . literally.)

So, does that mean everyone is safe then?  Well, maybe, maybe not, because, wait for it . . . STILES IS MISSING . . .

Talk about a cliffhanger, right except not really, because we all saw Stiles very much alive in the promo, and we all know that the writers would all probably rather cut their right arms off than kill Stiles, which is entirely understandable given the sheer extent of his awesomeness?

And that was pretty much, “Battlefield,” in a nutshell.  Soooo . . . what did you think? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles t-shirts!]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Punch Drunk – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Party Guessed”

We all know Lydia is up to no good in this picture, because she is wearing the . . .  Black Eyeliner of EVVVVILLL!

I’ve said it before, Werebangers.  But this time, I really mean it.  “Party Guessed” will go down in history as my favorite Teen Wolf episode EVER!  The stellar acting, the solid writing, the character development, the twists, the numerous obligatory shots of Derek in his Tight Grey Tank Top . . .

We haven’t seen this much Glorious Derek, since that episode, where all he did was work out for the entire hour . . .

(Another favorite episode of mine, by the way . . .)

What more could a Teen Wolf fangirl (or fanboy) ask for?  Did I mention we might have finally pinned down our Kanaima Master?

Way to be a Psycho Svengali Serial Killer, Creepy Camera Guy Matt!

(By the way, remind me never to join the swim team at Beacon Hills High . . .)

“Breast stroke?  Don’t you mean DEATH STROKE?”

So, chug down a glass of that deliciously hallucinogenic pink punch, Werebangers, because it’s time for another Teen Wolfcap . . .

[Special thanks to Andre for sending over those kickass screencaps.]

Another Dream Date with Decaying Corpse Peter Hale . . .

When the episode begins, Lydia’s in the shower . . . again.  And we all know how well that worked out for her last time.

(I’m thinking girlfriend should start considering taking sponge baths, STAT.)

“You’re not fully clean unless your ZESTFULLY CLEAN!”

This time around, fortunately, there is no gross dirty Peter Hale Hand or gorilla hair in the tub with her.  Instead, she opens the curtain and finds herself on the football field.

By golly, it’s a NAKED DREAM!  We’ve all had those, haven’t we?  And as The Girl Who Ran Around the Forest Naked for Two Days, we think Lydia’s entitled to a Naked Dream or Two (preferably with Stiles or Derek in it).

Except, this isn’t actually a Naked Dream, after all.  In fact, Lydia is in the very same dress she wore to last year’s dance.  And she’s being cheered on by a crowd of high school students . . . well, except for one chick, who’s totally bawling her brains out for no reason, whatsoever.  (Party Pooper!)

“Dammit!  Why isn’t she NAKED?  How come everyone gets to see Lydia naked except for me?”

Actually, I’m still trying to figure out Crying Girl’s significance.  Is she one of the girls from the Swim Team (more on that later)?  Is she a member of the Hale family, who died in the fire?  Because she didn’t exactly look like Corpse Laura to me!

Whoever she is, I suspect we will see her again, before the season is out . . .

Anywhoo, back on the football field, Lydia is being dragged across the ground by . . . wait for it . . . Peter Hale.

(They’re just cheering, because from the back, he kind of looks like Justin Bieber.)

Lydia wakes up screaming (naturally).  But then, she calms down.  “It was all a dream!” She thinks to herself.  “I didn’t really shower in front of my classmates.  Phew!”

Except, now her bed is filled with a REAL mixture of blood and hair.  Signs of rough sex? And guess who’s lying next to her, eagerly awaiting their next Pillow Talk Session?

Peter Hale TOTALLY seems like a post-coital cuddler . . .

You got it . . . Peter Hale!  This dude is nothing, if not persistent.  And I hate to say it, but these two actually have some freaky twisted sexual chemistry going on . . .  (I think Stiles would be jealous, if he knew.)

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Also a cuddler . . .

Except, here’s the thing . . . now, maybe it’s because he’s been dead for a few months, and spent years before that pretending to be a vegetable   . . . whatever the reason, Peter’s kind of off his flirting game.  For starters, he bores Lydia with talk about the Worm Moon.  He also makes insects crawl all over her dirty feet, as part of his Seduction Technique.  (Total turn off!)

See, Lydia . . . maybe if you spent less time screaming in the shower, and more time actually washing yourself, you wouldn’t have this problem . . .

Peter also has this really annoying habit of referring to Lydia in the third person, when he talks to her about her.  “Lydia is smart and beautiful,” he says.  “Everyone wants to go to Lydia’s party.”  “Lydia is immune.”

“Dude!  She’s standing right next to you!

You know what else isn’t going to get you laid by the girl of your dreams?  Telling her she has to spike her punch bowl with hallucinogenic flowers, dig up your dirty corpse, and make it hold the hand of some hot guy, or else you will kill all her friends, while dressed in an oversized gorilla suit . .  .

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that even the sluttiest of girls would consider that kind of a Deal Breaker . . .  unless, of course, you happen to be part of the “Furry” Community, in which case, more power to ya . . .

On Wolves Getting Their Periods, and Wearing Funny Hats . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Abandoned Bus  . . .

(By the way, is it just me, or does Derek Hale have the worst taste in real estate EVER?  First, it was the burnt decrepit house.  Then, that weird storage shed, and now a bus where ole Peter mauled some dude.  Hey Derek!  Give me a call, and I’ll set you up with a nice condo . . . one that comes with a cleaning lady, who won’t mind that you always leave teeth marks in the furniture . . .)

Derek is showing his baby wolves his Magic Trunk (I wish that was a euphemism for something fun.  Unfortunately, it’s not.)  Boyd notices that oh so familiar swirly symbol on it . . .

*wipes drool from side of mouth*

 Like the teacher’s pet he TOTALLY is, the Big Guy explains that it’s a Triskele, which symbolizes the “Power of Three.”

Derek looks impressed, and a little bit turned on.  Isaac looks like he wants to shove Boyd’s head in the toilet, and give him a swirly, for being such a TOTAL NERD!

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Derek notes that, for him, the Triskele represents Alphas, Betas and Omegas.  Specifically, it reminds the stud muffin how any of the three types of wolf can easily be converted into one another.  So, even if you’re the Alpha, you should never get too comfortable, or too cocky, because you could end up a Beta or Omega, at the drop of a hat (or the pinch of a wrist). And that, my friends, is what I like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Anyway, it’s time to whip out the chains, and that hat from the Total Recall movie.

Derek must restrain his baby wolves, in preparation for the Full Moon.  (Yeah, because that’s worked SOO well, in the past.)  Erica notes boldly that because she had her period last week, she won’t be nearly as dangerous this week.

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 (Oh, Erica, haven’t you learned yet that talking about “your monthlies” is a Boy Repellant!)

Erica’s Period Faux Pas not withstanding, Derek gets major points with this female recapper for correctly noting that Erica, as a monthly bleeder / child birther has a higher tolerance for pain than her weiner-bearing companions.  That’s why she gets to wear the silly hat, and they don’t!  GIRL POWER!

“I feel pretty .  . . oh so pretty . . .”

But no amount of S&M accoutrements are going to help Derek keep his wolf cubs from ripping up all the seat cushions,  and peeing all over the house.  After all, these are some Really Bad Babies!

So, you can imagine Derek’s surprise when it ends up being NOT teacher’s pet Boyd, but rather, Leather Twin Isaac, who’s the first cub to find his “anchor,” and control his wolfy rage.

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(Now, if only his “anchor” could help him find his eyebrows.  . .)

Even more surprising?  The fact that Isaac’s anchor just so happens to be the same father who verbally, and physically abused him, while occasionally shoving him in a freezer.  As it turns out, Papa Lahey, actually used to be a pretty nice guy . . . before . . . well . . . more on that later  .  . .

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Let’s Get “Candid” with Creepy Camera Guy Matt!

Elsewhere, Allison’s finishing up her Awful Date with Creepy Camera Guy Matt . . .

“Can I please cop a feel?”

“No.”

“Just a little one?”

“No.”

“What if I go to unbuckle my seatbelt, and my hand accidentally / on purpose grazes your left boob and inner thigh?”

“GET OUT!”

Creepy Camera Guy Matt continues to not-so-subtly probe Allison with questions about the status of her relationship with Scott.  When “CCGM” (see above) realizes he probably isn’t getting anywhere, he exits the car, but not without accidentally / on purpose leaving his camera there, so that unrequited lady love can find his Eerie Homage to All Things Allison, Including Her Bedroom on the Second Floor of Her House . . .

“Wow.  Matt must be really tall . . .”

“Wanna see more?  The lens in my pants is on zoom, baby!  Check out my f-stop!”

Though Matt tries lamely to explain his icky actions, Allison speeds away in her car, so fast, she leaves skid marks on Creepy Camera Guy’s blue balls . . .

Meanwhile, over at the ex-sheriff’s house . . .

Stiles Stilinski – Super Sleuth

Just because Stilinski Squared isn’t employed by the Beacon Hills PD, anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t still on the case.  Driven by his crushing guilt over the part he unwittingly played in his father’s firing, Stiles seems more determined than ever to crack the case of the serial-killing kanaima.  While the Sheriff notes that local pedo, Mr. Harris, has already been brought in for questioning, due to his car / lame bumper sticker being found at the sight of Every Single Murder . . .

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 . . . Stiles is still unconvinced “She’s 21” Guy actually did the crimes.  After all, like us, Stiles knows that TWO of the victims, Isaac’s dad and last week’s unfortunate rave chicky, have no relationship with Harris at all.  They do however have THIS relationship with one another . . .

That’s right, Werebangers!  In addition to beating his kid, and locking him a cooler, Mr. Lahey, also apparently used to enjoy teaching the butterfly to under-aged hard bodies, in his spare time.  Go figure!

So, remember, earlier I mentioned that Isaac alluded to the fact that his father wasn’t always a Grade A, asshole . . . thereby prompting me to wonder, what exactly made him change?

My theory?  It’s precisely, the same thing that made the kanaima want to kill all these peppy swimmers . . .

Could Mr. Lahey be somehow have been taking his guilt over what happened in 2006 out on his son?  It’s definitely a possibility . . .

You know, I actually spent a lot of time pouring over the screencaps for this scene, because I figured, we might be able to find our good pal Master Matt in the photograph.  (We know he couldn’t swim, but, perhap,s he was the Team Manager, or something?)  Oddly enough, the guy that looked most like Matt in the picture (check out the kid in the bottom row center), is actually, at least according to the team roster, Isaac Lahey’s brother, Camden.

I’m not exactly sure if that means anything.  But it certainly piqued my interest . . .

Why Mama Argent Will Never Again Sharpen a Pencil and Pretend It’s Scott’s Weiner . .  .

Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memoriessssssss .  . .

When we last left Mama Argent, she was lying in Papa Argent’s arms, suffering from the Worst Hickey Ever!  (Then again, any gift from This Guy can’t be ALL bad, right?)

Now, Dame Victoria is sitting in the basement licking her own wounds (pun intended), while Grandpa and Papa Argent stage whisper about killing her, as if she’s not sitting literally 5 feet away from them.  (RUDE!)

“You know, becoming a werewolf actually IMPROVES your sense of hearing, a$$holes!”

De-nial isn’t just a river in Egypt, it’s also a gaping blind spot in Papa Argent’s vision, as he tells his father, “It doesn’t look so bad.”

Really, Papa Argent?  Because from where I’m sitting it looks like a PRETTY BIG F*&KING CHUNK of skin is missing from Victoria Argent’s chest plate.  Grandpa Argent clearly agrees, which is why he shows about as much sympathy for his daughter-in-law as an obese man would show for a Big Mac, telling Daddy-o, more or less says, “Kill the, B*tch.  Allison will get over it.”

“If you hurry up and kill her now, we may be able to make the 8 p.m. showing of Spiderman at the Multiplex.

“If you want an easier life, change your last name,” scolds Grandpa Argent.  “Just as long as you aren’t changing it to whatever Mama Argent’s maiden name is, because apparently that last name makes your life suck too.”

On a side note, many fans have speculated that the pills we regularly see Grandpa Argent popping on the show might actually be some kind of werewolf or lizard suppressant.  If that ends up being true, well, let’s just say Grandpa’s callous comments about Mama Argent being nothing more than a cocoon waiting to hatch a monster, will likely come back and bite him in the ass, by the end of the season . . . or, perhaps, I should say the chest plate.

“It’s like looking in a mirror. We’re both a little green and wrinkly.”

In a surprise show of maternal instinct, a slightly teary-eyed Mama Argent (I thought soulless vampires only cried blood tears?)  makes an attempt to confront her daughter about her impending wolficide.

“And while I’m describing to you, in detail, how I’m going to take my own life with a carving knife, I’ll bake you brownies, tell you a bedtime story, and even squeeze in a talk about the birds and the bees.”

Unfortunately, Allison Argent has better things to do than engage in Mommy/Daughter time . . . like for example, help Lydia perform ridiculously obvious product placement for Macy’s pick out outfits (plural!) for tonight’s “Big Party.”

“Peter Hale said I had to shop at Macy’s, or he would make me shower with him again.”

Eventually, Allison leaves for the party, having never gotten to say goodbye to Mama Argent.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this is super sad, and will undoubtedly, saddle poor Allison with years of unresolved guilt, and thousands of dollars in therapy bills.

Nevertheless, the way that Mama Argent decides to atone for this “lack of a Final Conversation” between Mother and Daughter can only be described as . . . morbid.


Now, I love a Super Poignant Dramatic, Tear-jerking TV Death as much as the next fan.  So, I TOTALLY understand Mama Argent’s decision (at least from the writer’s perspective) to go out with the Bang of a Stab Wound Inflicted in the Light of the Full Moon, just as “The Change” was occurring, as opposed to the Wimper of a pill overdose.  I’m just a bit iffy on her decision to do it ON HER DAUGHTER’S BED, so that she can “feel closer to her.”  I mean, first of all, “EW,” and second of all . . . no  . . . scratch that . . . . “EW” just about sums up my thoughts on that decision.

(I also hope Daddy changed the sheets, afterward.  Because, seriously.  That’s just unsanitary . . .)

There is some conversation between Mama and Papa Argent about playing off Victoria’s death as a suicide to the community, which kind of seems like adding insult to injury, at least as far as Allison’s concerned.  Mama Argent, in particular, seems distraught over the fact that the neighbors would likely disapprove of her coming to such a “cowardly end,” and deserting her family in that way.  (I would think that Mama Argent would be more concerned about the community thinking her family was a bunch of gun-toting lunatics . . . which, of course, they are.)  Papa Argent replies that Mama Argent is making a “brave sacrifice” for her family, by stabbing herself on her daughter’s bed, rather than sprout long nails, and a pointy face, once a month, and whenever else she gets really angry (which, let’s face it, is probably often).

I don’t know . . . to me, personally, if it looks like a wolficide, and it walks like a wolficide . . . well, you get the idea.  I still feel terrible for Allison that things had to go down this way.  But more on that, a bit later.

Because Stiles Keeps His Drag Queens on Speed Dial . . .

In somewhat less depressing news, Stiles has a problem to which many men, I suspect, can relate.  He has to get his HUGE BOX inside Lydia’s teeny tiny door . . .

Yeah, I went there . . .

Unfortunately, we never did get to find out what was actually in that box.  I have a few ideas, though.  Do you? 😉

When our Scooby Gang arrives at Lydia’s party, they find out that it’s not exactly the hip soiree the birthday girl was hoping for  (at least, not yet).  Allison and Stiles speculate that this might be because Lydia’s naked romps in the woods have christened her the “Town Wackjob.”  I don’t know, guys.  Personally, I would think Lydia’s new-found penchant for public nudity would make her VERY, VERY popular . . . at least with the boys.

Don’t you worry too much about Lydia, though.  Stiles, as always, is ripe and ready to rescue her.  All he has to do is call in a favor from all those new “friends” he met at the gay club a few weeks back.  (Nice continuity, writers!)

Personally, I kind of love the idea of Stiles having his very own entourage of Drag Queens, ready to do his bidding at a moment’s notice.  I mean, let’s face it, Derek and his wolf pack couldn’t stand a chance against all those high heels!

Don’t Drink the Punch, or You’ll End Up All WET!

Stiles’ Magical Drag Queen Summoning Powers (which are likely the same powers that enable him to move fairy dust with his mind) . . .

 . . . end up working wonders!  In what seems like only minutes, Lydia’s once nearly empty house (Where ARE your parents, girlfriend?) is just crawling with party people, who just can’t seem to get enough of Lydia’s Magical Punch.  And Lydia, ever the gracious host, is more than happy to quench the thirst of  all her guests.  In fact, she practically pours the stuff down all of their throats!

Of course, us viewers can tell right away that something is VERY wrong with that tasty drink, in the pretty stemless plastic wine glass.  For one thing, it’s got blue crap in it.  Gross!  For another, as I mentioned earlier, Lydia is serving it wearing her Black Eyeliner of EEEEEVVVVIILLLL!

Now, it’s not entirely clear WHY Peter Hale insisted on Lydia LSD-ing all her pals.  But I suspect it was done more as a diversion tactic from his holding hands with Derek “rebirth,” than anything else.  After all, had Scott, Stiles, Allison and Jackson not all been tripping that night, one or two of them might have noticed Lydia WANDERING AWAY FROM HER OWN PARTY, and possibly stopped her.  (I think it’s a pretty safe guess that she wasn’t heading off into the woods to watch The Notebook again.)

That said, it did sort of seem like our main cast members got a Bad Batch of Punch, because while everyone else was busy making out, rolling around on the floor and being happy drunks, our core four were experiencing some pretty disturbing hallucinations . . . hallucinations that ended up being highly insightful, in terms of who these individuals are, and what exactly drives them . . .

Let’s review the hallucination’s shall we?

Because Lizards Make the Best Lovers . . .

I’ll start with the most shallow hallucination first, which, not surprisingly belongs to Scott.

As we all know, Scott and Allison have been a bit “on the outs” of late, ever since Scott “casually” told his girlfriend to make out with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and Allison ratted out Jackson’s kanaima status to her batsh*t crazy family, which Scott saw as an explicit betrayal of his trust.

But, of course, Scott’s still petrified of losing his brunette beauty, particularly to a monster that’s bigger and badder than he is . . . one that’s got a super long tongue that you could stick . . . anywhere.  And don’t even get me started on that BIG TAIL.  (Even Stiles’ “box” has nothing on that thing . . .)

*nom-nom, nom-nom . . . tastes like carcass*

Speaking of the kanaima . . .

Face Off – Starring Jackson Whitmore . . .

Poor Jackson!  The writers have somehow managed to make me feel bad for this douchebag probably because they are planning on killing him in the season finale, and want me, personally, to cry when it happens.  First, they did it with his crocodile tears, upon learning he had no friends a few week’s back.

And now, the writers are at it again, when Jackson pleads with Lydia not to invite him to her party, because, deep down, he knows his kanaima self is only going to turn Lydia’s dream birthday into a nightmare.

And yet, the kanaima master, isn’t exactly cool with Jackson sitting out on a party that could potentially be attended by another swim team member.  So, off to the party he goes.

“I’m sexy and I know it . . . LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD,LIZARD . .  . YEAH!”

And wouldn’t you know it, it’s actually Jackson who experiences the nightmare at Lydia’s hand.

Upon drinking that fateful punch, Jackson comes face-to-face with his REAL parents, only to find out that . . . wait for it . . . THEY  DON’T HAVE FACES AT ALL!  And, of course, neither does he . . . which makes sense, because, when you think about it, much of Jackson’s douchebagginess comes from his frustration over not having an identity . . . not being able to turn into the “manly wolf” he’s always wanted to be . . . having to share his position as captain of the Lacrosse Team with Scott . . . and, most importantly not truly knowing his own origins.

“I prayed for clear skin, during my teen years, but this is ridiculous.”

Props to Colton Haynes for somehow managing to warm my heart with his trademark Vulnerable Face . . . only to be used on special occasions like this one . . .

Speaking of vulnerable faces . . .

“You killed her.”

Poor Stiles.  It doesn’t take a genius to realize he’s taken his whole father losing his job because of him thing, really hard.  We see it in the determination with which Stiles attacks solving this kanaima murder case.  And we see it in Stiles’ anguish over his hallucination, which features a drunk Papa Stilinski, having just gotten back from Stiles’ mother’s funeral,  blaming Stiles for HER death, and the ruination of HIS life.

Unfortunately, we still have yet to learn what exactly killed Mama Stilinski, or why Stiles seems to blame himself for it happening.  But we do know that her absence has left a major hole in Stiles’ heart, one from which he’s never fully recovered.  Kudos to Dylan O’Brien for really tugging at our heartstrings with the raw emotion of this scene.

Speaking of kudos . . .

Dark Allison’s Revenge

Of all the actors on this show (with the exception of Tyler Posey) Crystal Reed probably gets the least to work with, in terms of juicy material, funny one liners, and powerful, character developing scenes.  Correction:  She GOT the least to work with, prior to this week, during which the actress showed her werebanging fans just how talented of an actress she truly is . . .

It all started with Allison kicking the crap out of that slimy Creepy Camera Guy, first for being a total stalker case, who takes “candid” pictures of her from her second floor bedroom window, and second for actually INSULTING her beauty, and calling her a dime a dozen.  I mean, seriously, if anyone deserves a knee in the nuts it’s Creepy Camera Guy Matt.

Now, at least, if his photography career fails, he can always sing Soprano in an all boys choir . . .

Except as it turns out, Matt isn’t exactly the enemy Allison needs to the fear the most.  THAT enemy, is wearing a black hood, stalking around the party, and shooting her in the stomach with a bow and arrow, while chastising her for being SO weak, and always playing the victim.  What’s interesting about this scene (apart, of course, from how cool Dark! Allison looked in it), is that it’s not entirely clear what Allison’s fear actually is?

Is she afraid of being weak . . . a perpetual victim, who constantly needs to be rescued by Scott and her family?  Or,  conversely, is Allison afraid of losing her soul, and becoming a single-minded, cold and calculating killer . . . like Dark!Allison . . . like the dearly departed Kate Argent . . . like her very own mother . . .

Speaking of Allison’s mother . . . how incredibly raw, and emotional was that hospital scene, in which Allison learns of her mother’s death from her father?  As someone who lost a parent at a young age, Allison’s pain and anguish really resonated with me, because no matter what kind of person Mama Argent was, she was still Allison’s mother.  And you never really get over a loss like that . . .

Source

On a much lighter note . . .

That Teen Wolf Contest Winner NEEDS to become a series regular . .  . no joke.

When we last left our plucky little Stilinski, he was drunk as a skunk, high as a kite, and still reeling over his faux father’s drunken outburst. But Scott needs his sidekick back STAT.  So, he turns to our Very Special Contest Winning Guest Star to pick up the pieces of Stiles fragile psyche, which she does by dunking his head in a pool of water.

Not only was this a hilarious moment, executed to perfection by a surprisingly talented amateur actress, it also gave us back Wet Stiles . . . an image we haven’t seen, since that fateful day, when he and Derek took a nice long romantic swim together, in the school pool . . .

Speaking of swimming . . .

THE KANAIMA REVEALED

After weeks of doing little more than lurking around looking suspicious, Creepy Camera Guy Matt finally revealed himself as the kanaima master, when he YELLED OUT TO THE ENTIRE PARTY that he can’t swim, upon being tossed into the pool (probably by some sh*tfaced drag queen).

Jackson rescued him, of course, which just screams “Master / Slave,” because we all know that under any other circumstance, Jackson would be the one THROWING the nerd into the pool, not pulling him out . . .

Then, as if we hadn’t been beat over the head with the “Matt as Kanaima” idea enough, we are given THIS image . . .

This reveal, of course, only leads to more questions . . . is Matt alive?  Is he the ghost of someone murdered by a bunch of swim teammate?  What led him to take on this quest for vengeance?  And how exactly did he know he could use Jackson to carry out his plan?

Ahh . . . the plot, it’s thickening . . .

Speaking of thick . . .

Derek Gets Glitter Bombed / Red Eye Reduced

What are you dreaming about, Derek?

Awww, Derek!  You big sexy hunk of man meat, you!  Of all the things that would end up bringing your seemingly invincible ass down, no one could have guessed that it would end up being the petite 105 pound red head, and a bunch of blue glitter in your face.  Honestly, it’s a little pathetic, but also kind of charming, in a way.

After week’s of speculation, we finally got to see why Peter Hale had been stalking Lydia, and using his teenage face to hit on her, make out with her, and give her flowers all these weeks.  It was also so Lydia could make Derek fondle Peter’s corpse at the first light of the worm moon, which somehow made Peter come back to life, and turned Derek’s eyes from Alpha Red, to Horny Green. 🙂

Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either.  But, you have to admit, it was still a really cool ending.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever- Now with Teen Wolf tees!]

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