Tag Archives: Erica

The Killer Party – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Raving”

 

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Greetings, Werebangers!  This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was all about motive.  After all, even the most self-righteous of characters can be lured to the proverbial darkside, if given a good enough reason to do so . . .

Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf that have aired so far this season, “Raving” was probably the most chock full of information.  We learned a lot this week about the relationship between the kanaima, and its Master.  We also got to take a closer look at the kanaima’s victims .  . . what ties them together .  . . and what they might have done to merit such horrible demises.

 

 

And yet, despite all that, the writers STILL somehow managed to give us a genuinely action-packed hour, complete with stellar acting, amazing character moments, and of course, a WHOLE LOTTA STILES!

Color me impressed . . .

So, slip into your party clothes, grab a handful of fairy dust, and try to avoid taking hits off the wolfsbane pipe,  because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the awesomesauce screencaps you see here.  Also, this week’s screencaps all come from two fabulous tumblr sites:  teenwolfgifs and allteenwolf.  So, feel free to show their owners some love, as well.]

In ‘Da Club

 

Go Wolf Twins!  It’s your birthday!  We’re gonna party, like it’s your birthday.  We’re going to huff some wolfsbane, like it’s your birthday . . .

Go shorty, it’s your birthday!  (But hopefully, not your 24th.)  Apparently, there’s some Big Hip Rave in Beacon Hills.  And everybody who’s ANYBODY under the age of 25 (and a few people OVER it . . . here’s looking at YOU Grandpa . . . and Creepy Pedo Chemistry Teacher) . . .

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 .  . . is going to be there.  This is true, even though admission costs a whopping 75 bucks!

Seriously?  Where I come from, all the “good” raves (at least, if you’re into that sort of thing) take place in abandoned warehouses.  And the only things you pay for are the glow sticks, cheesy pacifiers, and the bruises you get on your legs, while running away from the cops who just broke up the party . . .

But that’s neither here nor there.  What matters here is that it’s been a while since we’ve had a Big Party that literally brings all of our main characters together in one room (remember prom?).  And that makes the expectations for this party rather heightened.  Did I mention that the kanaima will be in attendance to snuff out yet another unlucky victim?

“Hi!  Welcome to my funeral!  Admission is $75 . . .”

The victims . . . Stiles and the Sheriff finally manage to draw a few parallels between them.  For example, with the exception of the Dawson’s Creek daddy, they are all the same age (24), and all attended Beacon Hills High together in 2006.

Kudos to us TW fans, who picked up on this trend a few weeks ago,  back when Hot Black Argent, Sassy Mechanic, and Derek had been the only kanaima targets, aside from Isaac’s dad.  (Honestly, I thought the “young married couple” looked a bit “long in the tooth” for 24.  But hey . . . life in a trailer park can be tough, I guess.)

“It is was a hard knock life for us.”

Stiles had also deduced that these folks had been in Mr. Harris’ chemistry class together, which confirmed the latter as a chief suspect for Master . . . at least until that last victim bit it, who wasn’t in his class.

The Sheriff thought her death blew his theory to shreds.  However, thanks to a little fancy camera work, WE know that SHE was, in fact, still part of the Class of 2006.

Of course, this begs the obvious question: which member of that Class died in 2006, and HOW?

“I got it!  I know who the Kanaima’s Master is!  It’s KAISER SOZE!”

We already know from the mythology that the kanaima thrives on vengeance, and will only kill killers (hence, it’s decision to delay the murder of the pregnant woman, until AFTER she gave birth).  But how did all of these seemingly unrelated 24-year olds have their hand in the exact same death?

Confused yet?  There’s more!

The Puppet Master

OK, I have no clue what that “Are you listening?” poster behind the guys heads has to do with vaccinations.  All I know is that I really want one for my bedroom . . .

While Stiles and the Sheriff were focusing in on the kanaima’s victims, Scott, Derek, Isaac and the Vet were more interested in the kanaima himself, and why he might be afraid of water, given that Jackson is Captain of the Swim Team (Of course, he is!  Jackson is “Captain of Everything”).

The Vet notes that this has to do with some “merger” of the kanaima’s personality with that of his Master.  They can feel eachother’s thoughts and feelings.  So, what hurts one, hurts the other.  (He even shows us some gnarly bling to illustrate this premise.)

“Hey kids!  Check out the earring I’m going to wear with my pirate costume, this Halloween!”

In other words, we’re talking about a two-for-one special on killing Big Bads!  Talk about a bargain.  (It’s a way better bargain than $75 for a rave ticket.  That’s for sure!)

Speaking of the Rave to End All Raves . . .

Isaac gets a two-fist discount.  

Finally, Isaac does something RIGHT in this episode of Teen Wolf.  Up until now, I’ve felt like pretty much every week, the writers have spent at least some time illustrating how Isaac and Erica are “special needs” wolves.  They can’t fight Scott.  They can’t fight Derek.  They’re outsmarted, and out-maneuvered by Allison.  And they are scared sh*tless of Jackson.  (Remember, one is an incident, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern.  Four  =  these two are pathetic.)

But they are excellent at sleeping!

And yet the n’er do well Isaac does seem to possess one particular talent: picking on the weak and completely unsuspecting.  When Scott and Stiles need a ticket for the “Big Rave” in order for their “Catch Jackson’s Master” plan to work out, Isaac knows exactly to get them what they need, and for a really great price too.  FREE!

Two wolfy ass kickings later, Scott and Stiles have their tickets, and Isaac has a goofy grin on his face.  Then again, now that you mention it, we never actually got to see Isaac kick those lacrosse players ticket-holding bums.  Perhaps, he did something a bit less G-rated to get those tickets, hmm?

The World may never know . . .

In which Allison’s loyalties are divided (for real, this time) . . .

In other news, Allison’s parents might finally be winning the battle for their daughter’s soul . . .

For the longest time on this show, we’ve been told that Allison was “Torn Between Her Hunter Family and Her Wolf” lover.  “Who will she choose?”  The over dramatic, deep-voiced promo narrator would often ask.

Except, to be honest, most of the time, it never seemed like all that difficult of a choice for Allison.

For one thing, and I know this sounds awful, but Allison never really seemed all that jazzed about her family.  I mean, we all know Stiles loves his dad . . .

And Scott loves his mom .  . .

But Allison?  With the exception of “cool” (Read “CRAZY”)  Aunt Kate, the littlest Argent seemed, at best, to tolerate her wacky “fam,” and, at worst, to be just as frightened of them, as the rest of the fandom seems to be.  (Though, I have to say, her dad is actually pretty hot!)  I never really bought Allison as being particularly “torn” between two loves.  It was all Scott, Scott, and . . . wait for it . . . more Scott.

However, that all changed this week.  It started when Papa Argent used a little coroner’s office “bonding session” . . .

“Hey Allison!  You used to like playing with Barbie’s right?  Well, these are life size!  I’ll be the wife, you be the husband!”

 . . . to coerce Little Argent into (1) fingering Jackson as the Kanaima; and (2) revealing his upcoming attendance at the “Big Rave,” despite the fact that Scott and his new wolf pack had already made their own plans to intercept Jackson there.

“I think I liked Daddy / Daughter bonding time better, when you just tied me to chairs, and threatened my life . .  .”

And then came the whole “let’s see other people” talk Allison had with Scott a bit later in the episode . . .

“It’s not you.  It’s me.  It’s just that I know you’re Team Edward in Twilight.  And I really can’t date anyone who isn’t Team Jacob.”

Now, in Scott’s defense,  he and Allison had been so sloppy about their “secret relationship” that even a deaf, dumb, and blind guy could probably figure out that they were dating.

And to prove it, Scott had been beaten up by pretty much every single member of the Argent family, ever since his and Allison’s “breakup.”

That said, in terms of Allison’s state of mind, Scott probably picked the absolute WORST time in the world to tell her that he’d be “totally cool” with her “dating” and “making out” with Matt the Creepy Camera Guy.  For one thing, it probably made her feel like she was a prostitute and he was her wolfy pimp.  For another, Scott’s sudden seeming indifference to Allison’s feelings, had to make her wonder whether her consistent betrayal of her family values for his sake was worth it.

“Silly Scott!  And you’re supposed to be the smart one.  Oh wait, no your not.  Nevermind then.”

Now, if Mama Argent new that THIS was the conversation her daughter was having with a sworn enemy, she probably would have been doing this . . .

Unfortunately, Mama Argent couldn’t HEAR what these two crazy kids were saying to one another, when she spied them talking  heatedly in an empty classroom.  All she was . . . well . .  “the heat.”  And so, instead, she looked like this . . .

That’s right, werebangers, Mama Argent is one Scary B*tch!  And boy did she prove it, in this week’s episode!

In much kinder and gentler news . . .

Stiles gets a tearjerker and a Dead(?) Tinkerbell moment in the same episode . . .

Good ole, Stiles.  Not only is he a fan favorite, because of his tendency to bring the comedy, and awesome one-liners to the series . . . .

 . .  . he’s also the heart of this whole damn show!

And boy did he show that this week, when the poor guy learned that his father had lost his job as Sheriff, as a result of Stiles’ “bad behavior,” i.e. the “kidnapping of Jackson.”

If only Sheriff Stilinski knew about the whole “lizard thing,” maybe he wouldn’t have to feel so sad . . .

Then again, he’d still probably be out of a job so . . .

But as guilty as Stiles obvious feels about his father’s job loss, he also knows that he has to keep all this supernatural craziness, a secret from his father, in order to protect him . . . or, at least, keep him from looking like a total wackjob in front of his cop buddies . . .

Lest you think that Stiles’ story in “Raving” was all angst and puppy dog tears, he also got to experience some serious Dead Tinkerbell Triumph.

You have no idea what I’m talking about, right?

Allow me to explain . . .

Remember that part in Peter Pan, where everyone thinks Tinkerbell is dead . . . so Peter Pan turns to everyone in the audience as says that “if you clap your hands, and believe in fairies, you can save her.”  So, a couple of idiots actually clap (the rest of the audience just stares at the screen, dumbfounded), and,  SURPRISE, Tinkerbell is alive again!

Well, that’s kind of what happened to Stiles, this week . . .

You see, thanks to our good friend The Vet, our wolf pack had a seemingly foolproof plan to trap Jackson / the kanaima / and his Mystery master all in the same confined space, using a bit of intravenous drugs, and some Magic Fairy Dust . . . I’m sorry . . . I meant “mountain ash.”

“Oh this?  This is just body glitter . . . for the rave!”

However, in order for the plan to work, Jackson needed to be trapped inside the Rave.  And, in order for Jackson to be trapped in the Rave, someone HUMAN had to lay out the Magic Fairy Du mountain ash barrier that would keep him there.

And we all know who our resident Team Human member is, right?

So, while all his buddies, get to go inside the Super Cool Rave, dance, stab lizards with drugs, and kick some Argent ass, poor Stiles is stuck outside sprinkling dirt around the parking lot.  Real nice!

“Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to trap Douchey Jackson, I go . . .”

Given that, you can imagine how frustrated Stiles is, when he finds himself ridiculously low on Kanaima Keep Away Dust, way before he’s completed his Magic Circle.  But does Stiles get discouraged.  Heck no!  Instead, he takes the Vet’s advice, and BELIEVES he has enough fairy dust to finish the circle.  And, just like that, HE DOES!  It’s magical . . .

 . . . which, is why I’ve decided to BELIEVE that my laptop will turn into a million dollars, immediately upon my completing this recap.

I’ll let you know how that goes . . .

In which Derek, Boyd, and the Argents reenact a Jets/ Sharks scene from West Side Story . . .

Despite Papa Argent assuring Allison that his family’s plan to catch the Kanaima will have “no collateral damage” Grandpa Bad Ass tells his men, in no uncertain terms that this is a Seek and Destroy Mission.  “Something wicked this way comes,” Gerard says.

You know, because he’s old . . . so, of course,  he’s going to quote Shakespeare prior to heading out on a murder mission!  (Speaking of Old Grandpa Argent, any guesses as to what those pills are, that he always seems to be popping like candy?  Because something tells me they aren’t your typical “old guy” pills, i.e. heart and cholesterol medication, and/or stuff for his arthritis . . .)

But if the Argents want inside the party, they are going to have to get past the wolves first.  Derek and Boyd are ready and waiting for them.  It’s time to do battle!

At this point, I’d like to mention how happy I am that Boyd is back.  You know, last week I bitched that Boyd might be the “forgotten werewolf.”  Now, I know the truth.  Boyd isn’t the “redheaded step child” of his wolfpack.  On the contrary,  he’s Alpha’s Pet!  This is why he’s not sent off each week into the land of Failure and Humiliation like Derek and Erica are.  Instead,  he gets to be on the front lines with the Pack Master . . . getting sh*t done!

Except this time, when the Argents kinda kicked Derek’s and Boyd’s asses, using their  . . . weapons and stuff.

“Don’t brink claws to a gunfight.”  Consider that a lesson learned.  Hey, you can’t win em all!

Speaking of Failure and Humiliation . . .

It’s Bump and Grind Time!

It’s the scene you’ve all been waiting for, folks.  Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb Boobs have a mission, should they choose to accept it.  That mission is to stab Jackson with a syringe, the contents of which will,  if I’m not mistaken, both temporarily stave off the kanaima transformation, and unify the Puppet and Puppet Master of this team, so that our wolf pack can theoretically control them both . . .

Easier said than done . . .

I mean sure, Isaac and Erica are ACES when it comes to entrapping Un-Lizard Zombie Jackson into a Wolf-Kanaima sandwich.

And I’ll be damned if the possessed kanaima doesn’t look more than a bit hot and bothered by the notion of slapping his salami against the blonde bombshell, and the curly-hair with the pretty eyes.  Though, it’s kind of a toss-up as to who turns the lizard on more, thus calling into question the sexuality of both Jackson (which has long been a subject of debate), and the person controlling him . . .

Things get a bit more dicey when it comes to syringing the beast.  It turns out, for all his wolfy moxie, Isaac just can’t seem to get his stick in Jackson. (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

It takes a few tries, and a bit of a struggle.  But eventually, the Leather Twins are able to drag a napping Jackson into an abandoned room.  But Poor Pathetic Isaac.  Here we have a SLEEPING Jackson, and the werewolf STILL can’t successfully slap him around.

“Don’t you dare interrupt my Evil Naptime!

In fact, I’m starting to think that Isaac’s getting his arm broken in every episode is going to start to become a running joke of the show, much like Stiles’ seeming inability to ever be seen on camera without his shirt on . . .

But hey, the plan isn’t a total bust!  The Leather Twins (with Stiles’ help) eventually get the Kanaima to SPEAK through Jackson.  As it turns out, the wolf pack might not just be dealing with a Jackson Jekyll and Hyde, and a HUMAN master, there also might very well be a spirit involved.

In a weird disembodied voice that kind of sort of sounds like the Possessed Person in Every Horror Movie Ever, “Jackson” tells the Scooby Gang that he’s not really here to kill them (Could have fooled us!), because he’s got bigger fish to fry, namely, the people that killed HIM.

“Jackson’s” words seem to confirm the theory that the spirit that embodies Jackson, when he’s the kanaima, is some high school student, who died in 2006, at some school event.  Furthermore, quite a few other students seem to have witnessed the event in question, and either, did nothing to stop it, or helped it to happen.

This, of course, begs the question, how did “the kanaima” die.  My theory?  Drowning!

It would explain why Jackson was seen coming out of the water shortly after he was bitten by Derek, as well as the kanaima’s seeming fear of water . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get much time to ponder this theory, because, in a flash the “medicine” wears off, and, just like that, Jackson is Lizard Man again (well, more like half and half), and he is on the loose . . .

It’s like one of those moisturizer commercials, where the model only puts the cream on half his face to show you how great the stuff works . . .

Stiles rushes out to tell his boyfriend, Derek, the news.

 Isaac and Erica would probably like to rush out too, but . . . you know . . . fairy dust . . .

Meanwhile, the kanaima has found it’s next victim.  Nice knowing ya, Ticket Taker at a Rave Chick . . .

“Go, BYE BYE!”

Hey, look on the bright side.  Now, you will never have to worry about suffering from one of those pesky quarter-life crises!

How Mama Argent destroyed Scott’s chances of ever becoming a pothead . . . (And, boy, did she pay for that!)

“I was going to kill the kanaima, but I got high . . . I was going to have sex with my girl, but I got high . . . now this scary lady is out to get me, and I know why . . . cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott’s a bit less than pleased with not-girlfriend Allison, because her Stupid Family is interfering with the Wolf Pack’s fun-filled game of “Catch the Kanaima.”  This makes Allison sad, which nimrod Creepy Camera Guy Matt takes as a sign that, “Gee!  Now, seems like a totally great time to stick my tongue down her throat.”

Real smooth, Matty-poo!

Scott rushes outside for some “air” only to be hit by Mama Argent’s car . . .  “He came out of nowhere!  It was just an accident.”

Right?

WRONG!  As it turns out, this is all part of Mama Argent’s master plan to kidnap her daughter’s “ex” boyfriend, and asphyxiate him with a wolfsbane bong / vaporizer, of sorts (thus confirming my suspicions that Mama and Papa Argent were both TOTAL potheads, back in the day . . .)  And it seems like this EEEVVVIIILLL plan just might work too, until Scott gives out a howl to his new pack mate, Derek, who rushes to his dawg’s rescue (after Stiles’ sweeps up the fairy dust, of course, so he can pass).

What happens next is a little shocking . . .

I mean, sure, we all figured that Scott was going to get out of this alive.  What we didn’t plan on was Derek giving a big ole’ F-U to the Argent’s and their so-called “Code of Honor,” by giving Mama Argent the bite, thereby prospectively turning her into the thing she hates more than anything in this world . . .

In the final scene of the episode, we see Mama Argent rushing to Papa Argent’s arms, bloody and tainted, as Papa Argent looks on in dismay, undoubtedly wondering if it might be time for a little mercy killing.  Are any of you fellow werebangers nerdy enough to have supernatural pacts with your friends.  I am!  All my best friends know that I’d be totally cool with becoming a vampire, or a werewolf (provided I’m financially stable enough to afford regular waxing treatments . .  hairiness . . .ick), but if I ever become a zombie, they are totally within their rights to chop my head off.

Somehow, I suspect that the Argent’s have a similar pact at the ready, should any of them become werewolves.  Papa Argent hinted as much in his “lesson” to Allison early on in the season.  “One bite can change everything.”

This, of course, begs the question, how will Allison respond to the idea that her boyfriend’s pack mate effectively signed her own mother’s death warrant.  I’m thinking the answer is going to be “not particularly well,” no matter how creepy and unloveable Mama Argent might be . . .

In other news, while The Vet is once again saving the life of a wolfsbane poisoned Scott . . .

“Why do all you werewolves always seem to end up on your backs?”

 . . . that sucks-at-Latin guidance counselor randomly appears to make eerie comments to him about how “these kids don’t know about all the bad crap that’s going to happen to them really, really soon.”  But what’s she doing in there in the middle of the night, anyway.  Is she a relative?  Does she know more about the kanaima than she’s letting on?  Is she . . . TWENTY-FOUR YEARS OLD?

Unfortunately, I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out the answer to these questions.  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – Now featuring Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

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“A Tale of Two Kanaimas” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Venomous”

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Kanaima.

Kanaima who?

I Kanaimake sense of what Lydia wrote on the board. 

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Oh . . . that’s better.

Howdy, Werebangers!  Five episodes into the season, and we’ve already solved one of Teen Wolf’s biggest mysteries: Who’s the Kanaima? (Hint: It’s not This Guy . . .)

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You know, one of the things I love most about this show . . . well . . . aside from the obvious . . .

. . . is its willingness to challenge TV conventions.  By all estimates, “Venomous” was a high – octane hour of whodunnit-type television that could have easily served as a season finale.  Like many finales, “Venomous” offered action, intrigue, and a mass murder mystery, which resulted in a standoff that pitted nearly every major cast member against one another.  And of course,  it ended by answering a HUGE question that had been plaguing the series since the first episode of this season.

“You mean to tell me I’m that asshat lacrosse-playing douche!  Thanks, a lot!” 

But perhaps the best thing about “Venomous” is that it WASN’T a  finale.  And that is a very good thing . . . because for every question this episode answered for us Teen Wolf fans, it posed about three more.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, my own personal screencapping genius, for everything you see here.]

Who’s the dumbbell, now?

The episode begins with a very (sexually?) frustrated Jackson struggling under the weight of a seemingly puny barbbell.

“Come on, Jackson.  You can do it!  Lift that five-pound weight!”

This, understandably confuses Jackson, who, just a day or so ago, had been able to lift up a car with his bare hands.

It’s just another one of those things that sets Jackson apart from his wolfy companions, who, even in human form, can exhibit bouts of superhuman strength, pretty much, anytime.  Jackson’s “strength” on the other hand, only seems to come out at night, and is sporadic, even then.

When Danny grows bored with his wimpy cranky friend, he exits stage left.  (Can you blame him?)  This gives Derek’s lame-o wolfpack members, Tweedledee and Tweedle dumb boobs, an opening to perform their kidnapping of the Lacrosse Co-Captain, who they obediently cart off to their maker.

“I don’t want to join your Mickey Mouse Wolf Club, OK?  So stop asking.”

“Are you sure?  All members get a free t-shirt!” 

Suspecting Jackson (the pack member that never was) of being the Kanaima, Derek feeds him a drop of venom that he somehow collected from the poolhouse.

“Open wide for the choo-choo train!”

“Good boy.  Now, play dead.” 

Derek’s (WRONG!) theory is that, if Jackson is immune to the venom, he must be the Kanaima.  Unfortunately for Derek, Jackson is not-so-much immune, and spazzes out on the floor, before becoming completely immobile.  Oops!  I guess that means it’s back to the drawing board for our good pal, Derek.

Wolfy Isaac, who’s kind of been put to waste as a character, having been given little to do on the show, aside from make weird faces . . . and repeatedly get his ass kicked . . .

 . . . however, is not quite through with Jackson.  There’s still the little matter of the latter recanting his story to the cops about seeing Isaac and his father fighting on the night of his father’s Kanaima-inspired murder.  Conveniently enough, this little favor allows newly free man Isaac to return to school, so that he can do Derek’s bidding out in the open.  How nice for him!

“It’s a Matching Leather Jacket Party, and you’re not invited!”

Someone help Lydia . . . please

Also at school, Lydia is still suffering from waking Alpha nightmares.  This most recent one, involves the Alpha scribbling strange circular messages for her on a chalk board, while all her classmates look at her, like she’s nuts.

“It’s funny how in Lydia’s daydreams I’m really good at math.  Because, in real life, I didn’t even know how to read.” 

“Awk-warrddd!” 

Unfortunately, for Lydia, it turns out that last part isn’t exactly a dream.  She returns to real time to find that she’s written “Someone help me” backwards across the chalkboard instead of the math equation she was SUPPOSED to solve.  Hey Lydia, it could be worse.  You could be naked . . . like last time.

Things become crystal clear (Maybe .  . .)

In chemistry class, Derek’s pack (except for Boyd, who always seems to get a pass from these lame Wolfy Games) torments Scott, Allison and Stiles, while keeping an eye on Lydia,  who has now become their top Kanaima suspect.

For about the 18,000th time this season, Erica aggressively throws herself at Scott . .  .

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. . .  and totally “Regina George’s” her nemesis, Allison.

Poor naive, Erica.

I have a book you might find interesting .  . .

Speaking of rejection, it seems poor Isaac has a little angry hard-on for our friend Lydia, ever since the latter rejected in middle school, and made him cry.

“You wouldn’t reject me, would you, Stiles?”

Lydia’s protector and perpetual unlikely hero, Spiderman Stiles has something to say about that . . .

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Sadly though, no amount of words can protect Lydia from a lying-in-wait Derek, when she unwittingly ingests venom, during chemistry class, and experiences none of its paralyzing side effects.

“Gnom-nom-nom.  Mmm . . . venom cystal.  Yummy!” 

“Grrrrr.” 

Uh oh, Scooby Gang!  It’s time for Plan B!

Operation: Save the Butterfly

During her shrink session, Lydia stubbornly tells Dead Maya from Pretty Little Liars / Dead Emily from The Vampire Diaries that every inkblot picture in her Rorschach Test looks like a butterfly, even the one that OBVIOUSLY was made to resemble a wolf, and the one that sort of/kind of resembles her recently deceased Alpha “boyfriend.”

“Butterflies are pretty.” 

“That one might still be a caterpillar.” 

Meanwhile, in a surprise move,Jackson joins forces with, as he calls them “Testicle One” and Testicle Two” (How fitting!) . . .

“Believe it or not, you two actually do vaguely resemble my testicles.”

 . . . to protect Lydia from the Wrath of Derek, which he was unlucky enough to recently experience for himself.  Of course, Jackson still has his own selfish motives in mind.  He’s still using Creepy Photographer Guy and Danny to uncover the lost footage on his sleepytime not-so-sex tape, which he suspects Lydia might have “edited” for him.  After all, she DOES have a key . .  .  (How else could she regularly sneak into his house and watch The Notebook?)

As far as plans go, Scott’s plan to save Lydia from Derek and Co. is surprisingly well thought out, despite the fact that Scott, while a nice guy, has always been a bit of a mental midget.  The first part of the plan involves attempting to prove to Derek that Lydia ISN’T actually the Kanaima, before school lets out.  It is randomly determined that shrinkypoo reads Latin.  So, Allison goes to her, in an attempt to translate the Bestiary page on Kanaimas.

How come the kanaima in this book, looks like the werewolf in last season’s book? 

Now, this seems like a throwaway scene, but it’s actually important.  Shrinkypoo notes that, while wolves seek pack affiliation, Kanaimas are always on the hunt for a single “friend,” to make them feel less lonely.  And thus, the theory of the two Kanaimas is born .  . .

Elsewhere Derek tries (and fails) to talk Derek out of wanting to kill Lydia.  Why?  You ask.  Well, for one thing, Scott really has no way of proving that Lydia isn’t actually the Kanaima.  For another . . . ummm . . . Derek just REALLY seems to like killing people  .  . .

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Scott’s theory, like the one Jackson, himself, had earlier, is that Lydia is somehow immune to wolf bites, and passed that immunity on to Jackson.

Cocky Derek doesn’t like the idea of ANYONE being immune to his sexy saliva.  Derek has a different theory, and here it is: some people who are bit by werewolves, become OTHER TYPES OF SHAPESHIFTERS, that better reflect their personality.  You know, like Isaac becomes a wolf with no eyebrows.  Erica becomes a wolf that isn’t really a wolf, but still has pointy teeth.  And “Lydia” becomes a rather masculine looking snake . . . because she’s a b*tch.

Interesting theory, Derek . . . it would kind of fly in the face of traditional werewolf lore, though . . .

When Phase One of the plan fails, it’s time for Phase Two: bring Lydia to Scott’s house (his mom’s never home,  anyway), and hide the accused lizard there .  . . without telling her why, of course.

An eye-opening discovery

While the rest of the Scooby Gang (even Jackson) whisk Lydia away, Scott gets accosted by Coach Crackpot for “not protecting Danny’s equipment.”  Coach Crackpot thinks that Scott should protect Danny’s equipment all the time.  Unfortunately, for some of you, I’m not actually talking about Danny’s weiner.  I’m talking about his actually equipment . . . as in “lacrosse uniform,” which was ripped clean in half, following the last game.

“That’s hot.” 

So, is DANNY the Kanaima, due to his miraculous fabric-ripping skills.  Apparently, not.  When Scott confronts Danny in the library, we learn that HE had lent his uniform to none other than Jackson, during the game, while he played the position of goalie.  Hmm . . .

Speaking of Danny, it seems everyone’s favorite Teen Wolf gay has developed a bit of a crush on Creepy Photographer Guy, who plays for his team (lacrosse), but may or may not play for his “TEAM,” if you catch my drift . . .

Together, the two manage to restore the lost footage from Jackson’s camera.  And it is . . . as I hinted before rather “eye opening.”

“Wazzzzzzup!” 

Of course, we still don’t know who edited the tape in the first place.  Though these two (Danny and Creepy) clearly have the werewithal to do it themselves . . .

Oh, P.S. Creepy Photographer guy just figured out that whole, “Scott can’t take pictures anymore, because he’s a werewolf” thing.  BUSTED!

Erica gets OWNED . . .

In one of my favorite moments in the episode, Stiles adorably barricades Scott’s house to protect Lydia from Derek’s pack, while the Scooby Gang waits for Scott to return home.

 However, try as they might, it doesn’t take long for Tweedledee and Tweedledumbboobs to enter the house.    (Again, how come Boyd never has to do the dirty work?  Is he too cool for this?)

Anywhoo, Wolfy Erica, who’s sole new personality trait seems to be “Slutty B*tch” takes this opportunity, once again to threaten Allison with stealing Scott from her, despite the fact that Scott seems like he’d probably prefer to make out with Derek or Stiles . . . or anyone else in the cast really, over Erica.  Earlier Erica teased that she was “a little bit psychic,” and that’s why she knew that Sallison wasn’t really going to work out.

But her psychic powers seem to have a bit of a blind spot.  Because she definitely didn’t count on Allison shooting her with a venom coated bow and arrow.  (Where did these guys get all this extra venom from?)

Within minutes, Erica is down for the count.

“This is the part where I have my way with you.”

 Now that’s some powerful venom!  Just a little bit on the fingers (or in the mouth . . . like Jackson), and wolves are apparently paralyzed from the neck down . . . which confuses me, because I thought the Kanaima needed to scratch the victim’s spinal column, in order to get that result (as he did with Hot Black Argent, Douchey Grease Monkey, and Derek).

After all, wasn’t Stiles still able to call 911, after HE touched the evil venom?

Anywhoo, you can imagine Derek’s frustration when Tweedledee and Tweedledumbbumbs, both incapacitated by Kanaima venom are haphazardly tossed out of Scott’s house, like yesterday’s trash . . .

“It’s naptime . . . again.” 

At some point, during all this, Scott finally arrives back home for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for . . .

The key to the Mystery

Meanwhile,  Jackson takes Lydia into Scott’s room to confront her about having the key to his house / possibly editing his Werewolf Porn video, while he slept.  Lydia denies having the key, or any knowledge of said video.  But Jackson’s newfound “powers” seem to enable him to sense that she’s lying, simply by staring at her boobs.  Impressive!

This, of course leads to the two of them making out, which is surprisingly hot . . . possibly because this is the first time I’ve seen Jackson show ANY emotion apart from “whiny and generally pissed off.”  I honestly didn’t know he had it in him  . . .

“Has anyone ever told you, your tongue is a little lizardy?” 

While the pair is making out, Jackson gets a bit of a rash .  . . a rash that looks suspiciously like Lizard Scales . . . Ruh roh!

“Remind me to stop rolling around naked in the poison ivy.” 

 I smell KANAIMA!

Alpha to Alpha, and Kanaima to Kanaima

In the final scene of the episode, Derek hits on Scott, by telling him that he is the Alpha to his own pack (referring, I guess, to Allison, Stiles, Lydia and Jackson).  Too bad flattery is useless on Scott, who just looks confused.

“Hot guy say WHAT?” 

 Then again, maybe that’s because there’s a Lizard Thingy on the roof of his house . . .

“Hey guys!  Miss me?” 

Seconds later, Lydia pops out, wondering why she wasn’t invited to this party, thereby proving once and for all, that she’s not the Kanaima.

“It’s Jackson,” mutters Captain Obvious Scott, just in case some of the fans of the show are particularly slow.

But wait!  You say!  Jackson was paralyzed by the Kanaima venom Derek took from the pool last week. And Jackson is a good swimmer, whereas THAT Kanaima fears water.

This, of course, brings me back to the “Two Kanaimas” theory.  A theory that seems all but confirmed in the final scene, in which Kanaima Jackson sidles up to a car, in which he seems to find the “friend” he’s been looking for, all along.

“Yo!  What up, dog!  Give me some skin!” 

But who’s the friend?  All we know about him so far, is that he has an Eisenstein bumper sticker, and wears black gloves.  Is it the Nerdy Chemistry Teacher, who hates Stiles, and loves quoting Einstein?

Is it the Kid Outside the Shrink’s office, who complimented Lydia’s pink gloves?  Is it Shrinkypoo, who knew the Kanaima needed a friend?  Or is it Creepy Photographer Guy, who seems the most likely editor of Jackson’s Wolf Porn video?

It looks like we may have to wait until next week to find out.

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See you then, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Beauty and the Bestiary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Abomination”

Dating Profile for Lizard Thingy, a.k.a The Kainaima

Age: Better not tell you now . . .

Sex: Sure!  If you’re still alive, by the time I’m done with you.

Likes: Long walks on the beach, cars, paralyzed prey, lacrosse

Dislikes: Abusive dads, Argents (even Hot Black ones), Douchey Grease Monkeys, and Werewolves

Fears: Water, Mirrors .  . . and Stiles?

Hey there, Werebangers!  Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf we’ve seen so far, this one was by far the most educational.

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Let’s see . . . we learned the difference between “Bestiary” and “Bestiality.”

We learned about a creature called the Kanaima, who’s SO deadly, it can instantly kill anything it touches, yet somehow has crushingly low self-esteem, and can’t even go in the Kiddie Pool without a pair of Swimmies.

We learned how to edit boring film footage of someone sleeping to make it EVEN MORE BORING.

And finally, we learned that Stiles is the most awesome dude on the planet . . .

Then again, we already knew that.

So, without further adieu, I bring to you “Abomination.”  Let the learning begin!

[As always, everything in this recap that you think is pretty, belongs to Andre, Screencapper Extraordinaire.  Without him, these recaps would be super lame.]

“Killers come in all ages . . . sizes and shapes.”

“Be afraid . . .be VERY afraid.”  That’s what The Vet tells the Argents (and Scott before them), when they enter his lair at the beginning of the episode.  And with good reason!  Because there, lounging before him on the operating table, is Hot Black Argent, who’s looking a little less “Hot Black” these days, and a bit more “Pre-Chewed / Beef Jerkified.”

“I’ve always wanted my stomach muscles to look ‘cut,’ but this is ridiculous.” 

The Vet almost gleefully describes to all of us the rather unpleasant way in which Hot Black Argent met his Maker, despite the fact that (1) we saw it happen; and (2) it’s kind of obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes.

“Oh really, is that, how he died?  I thought it was from old age.” 

By far, the creepiest aspect of this autopsy is the when The Vet shows the Argents the teeny tiny scratch on the back of Hot Black Argent’s neck.  For one thing, his neck makes a really disturbing cracking sound, when it’s turned.

Noisiest . . . neck . . . EVER!

 For another, apparently that little scratch contains something called a paralytic toxin.  This means that, rather then merely killing its prey outright, Lizard Thingy completely paralyzed Hot Black Argent first . . . and then forced him to lie on the floor, alive and immobile, so that he could WATCH himself be sliced open into ten strips of bacon.

“Tasty,” you might say.

But actually, contrary to popular belief.  24-year old Hot Black Argents simply aren’t a part of Lizard Thingy’s balanced breakfast.

“Killing may be it’s only purpose,” warns The Vet sagely.

Well . . . it sure isn’t trying to start itself a Lacrosse Team . . .

“That’s gonna cost you extra.”

Now, based on what we’ve learned so far, about our pal, Lizard Thingy, he seems to have a real penchant for killing Hot 24-year Old Blue Collar types . . . and Dawson Leery’s Dad.

We meet Victim Number 3 at an Auto Body Shop, where he’s fleecing poor Stiles out of his hard-earned cash to fix the latter’s rat trap of a car.

Like Hot Black Argent, Victim #3, a former high school lacrosse player, of course, is sexy, in a kind of Douchey Grease Monkey sort of way.  In fact, if this was a different type of show, he’d probably end up being The Lead, as opposed to The Guy Who Ends Up with a Car on His Torso.

As Stiles storms out of the shop, he makes the mistake of putting his hand on the door handle .  . . something I learned not to do in any public place, without a paper towel, when I was like five.

Seriously!  Door handles are nasty.  Have you ever watched one of those news programs, where they swab them for germs?  Put it this way, your hands would be cleaner, after fondling a toilet seat in a gas station . . .

Anywhoo . . . this door handle is particularly unsanitary, because it contains Lizard Thingy Cooties, which render Stiles’ ten little fingers completely immobile.  (Though, honestly, I only remember him touching the door with one hand.)

Though Stiles won’t be doing the Robot Dance, anytime soon.  He’s got it easy.  Douchey Grease Monkey, alas, will suffer a far worse fate.  He gets the Full Lizard Thingy Neck Massage, and can do nothing but stare up at the sky sadly, as the last piece of crap car,  he will ever work on crushes him from below.  Ouch!

“It should have been a Lexus.” 

Somehow, Stiles manages to dial 911, with uncooperative fingers, but not before he gets to have a little Meet and Greet with Lizard Thingy, who pops by to say Howdy.  He’s a really sociable dude, that Lizard Thingy . . .

Grandpa Not-John McCain wants you to trust him . . .

You ever notice how much Granpoppy Argent resembles a certain aging former U.S. presidential candidate?

In fact, were it not for the occasional Irish brogue slipping into his dialogue, I’d probably assume that the Senator was moonlighting as a werewolf hunter on MTV . . .

Allison is sneaking out of the house to meet Scott, because she got his Very Secret Message Written in Car Window Sweat.

Those crazy kids and their new fangled technology!  Personally, if I was sneaking out for a late night leg humping session with my doggie boyfriend, I’d probably opt for an old fashioned form of secret communication . .  . like a text message . . . but that’s just me.

Grandpoppy Not-John McCain catches Allison on her way to meet Scott, and impedes her progress, long enough for Scott to look all sad and emo, as he stares off into the stars . . . alone. 

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But back to Grandpoppy and Allison.  There’s just something about the way these Argent’s communicate.  One second they are all smiles, and nostalgic stories about the past .  . . the next, they are barking in your ear about things like “trust” and “conviction” with crazy pants, “I’m gonna eat you with a side salad, and a glass of milk,” looks in their eyes.  Then, just as quickly, they are smiling again.

“I never should have gotten involved with that crazy Palin women.  Oops.  Sorry, umm . . . what’s my line again?” 

In short, if I was an Argent like Allison, I’d probably wish I was adopted .  . .

“I think it knew me.”

Back at the Crime Scene, Stiles isn’t quite ready to tell his Sheriff Dad that the Lizard Thingy ate his car repair man.  But Sheriff Stilinski knows his son well enough to know he’s hiding something, and gives him one of “those looks.”  If you have a dad, you know exactly what kind of Look I’m talking about.

Nope . . . not that one . . .

That’s the one . . .

Suffice it to say, if I was Allison Argent, not only would I want to be adopted, I’d want to be adopted into Stiles’ family.  Because his dad’s just a super sweet heart, who genuinely cares for his son.  No Crazy Eyes on that one!

When Scott picks Stiles up from the scene (The latter’s car has been impounded as evidence, due to it’s having Bits of Douchey Grease Monkey slathered across it’s underbelly), Stiles describes his experience to his friend in detail, admitting that Lizard Thingy seemed to . . . know Stiles personally.

Worst Werewolves EVER!

You ever watch one of those sports movies, with the ragtag bunch of loser athletes, who can’t play for crap for the first hour and the half of the film, but suddenly pull it together just in time for the Big Game?  Well Derek’s Wolf Pack is kind of like those guys . . . only less inspiring.

We watch as Lame-o Isaac, and even Lamer-O Erica try in vain to attack Derek, only to have him boredly swat them away with his hand, like pesky flies.

Boyd, of course, doesn’t have to play.  He just gets to watch.  Teacher’s Pet!

Since Werewolf Erica’s weapons of choice seem to be her boobs and her tongue, she tries to shove the latter down Derek’s throat to distract him.

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Though I can’t say I blame the girl for trying . . .

. . . this whole one-note, “I’m suddenly hot, so now I throw myself at everything with a weiner,” thing is getting a bit old.

Derek doesn’t seem to think so though.  Though he rejects Erica’s advances (but only after making out with her for three glorious minutes) . . .

. . . he informs her that he has “someone else in mind for her.”  My initial thought is that Derek is going to have Erica seduce either Scott or Stiles, in hopes of indoctrinating them into his Lame Leather Wearing Wolf Pack.  but since both men seem 100% immune to her charms, I’m hoping his plan is a bit more clever than that . . .

After all, the new Alpha has a Lizard Thingy to defeat, and Argents to overcome.  This is really no time to play a werewolf version of The Bachelorette . . .

“What’s your brand of psychosis?”

Here’s something we learned about Lydia.  She is NOT a morning person.  Breaking mirrors with your bear hands isn’t exactly the sign of a well-adjusted teen.

“Why can’t I just blame my crazy on PMS, like everyone else?”

No wonder Lydia’s mom, a.k.a. Tyler Lockwood’s mom, wants her to see the school shrink, a.k.a Witch Emily / Maya from Pretty Little Liars, who’s actually playing a character that’s her own age, for a change.

“Please don’t kill me off.  They always kill me off on these teen shows . . . usually around the same time they learn that I’m 40 22.” 

 While waiting to have her head shrunk, Lydia gets hit on by creepy dude, who’s sole purpose for being in this episode seems to be as Lizard Thingy Suspect Number 5.

Hey, any of you guys ever watch The O.C.?  Remember Psycho Oliver?  Yeah, Marissa met him outside a shrink’s office too  . . . 

In side shrinky-poo’s office, Lydia notes that sometimes the people closest to you can hold you back the most.

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 Shrinkypoo wants to know who told her that, but Lydia doesn’t remember.  My guess is that these Very Important Words of Wisdom come from her good pal, Uncle Alpha . . . a.k.a the guy who’s been traipsing around her mind with his gross gnarly feet for the past three or so episodes . . .

Elsewhere, Stiles is telling Scott how much he loves him, and how sorry he is about missing their date last night.

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 It’s about time those two admitted their unspoken passion for one another.

But wait . . . just kidding.  He’s delivering a message for Allison . . . the Juliet to Scott’s Puppy Romeo.

There’s a running joke in the episode where Stiles has to keep dashing back and forth delivering messages between Scott and Allison, because apparently, they can’t trust those pesky Argents not to go through their cell phones.

In addition to delivering messages of love, Stiles also needs to pass along messages about the Elusive “Bestiary,” (not to be confused with Bestiality, though I wouldn’t put that past the Argents’ either), i.e. a Werewolf Hunter Diary that describes all sorts of mythical creatures . . . like say . . . Lizard Thingys with Hard Ons for teenage boys, like Stiles.

Ultimately, the threesome decide that in order to obtain said book, Allison must obtain Granpoppy Not McCain’s office keys during the Big Lacrosse Game, and pass them off to Stiles, so that he can search the premises, while Grandpoppy is “otherwise occupied.”  Hmmm . . . this storyline sounds mighty familiar.  Remember last seasons’ Big Bad Werewolf book?  Who knew those Argents were so gosh darn literary?

Because Jackson is EVERYONE’S TYPE . . .

After his Adventures in Car Lifting, Jackson has grown suspicious of that boring ass sex tape he made of himself . . . you know . . . the one ended up showing him doing nothing more than having a few wet dreams over the course of his allotted 7.5 hours of “beauty rest.”

Danny is confused by his supposedly heterosexual pals repeated entreaties that Danny watch the video.   “I’ve told you, you’re not my type,” explains Danny, who, as we know, tends to prefer his men swarthier and more . . . Derek-esque.

But Jackson thinks he’s everyone’s type.

So, Danny commandeers Creepy Photographer Guy to watch the video with him.  What they find is what many of us suspected in the first place.  As it turns out, Jackson’s tape has been manipulated to loop in on itself over and over again.  In other words, two hours of live footage are missing from the tape.

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This pretty much scraps Jackson’s Lizard Thingy Alibi . . . except, I don’t think he did it.  For one thing, he’s way too stupid .  . .

My money’s still on Photographer Guy as the footage-doctoring culprit (though, I guess “computer whiz” Danny could have done it too).  But why?  The most obvious reason would be to make Jackson eventually come to THINK he’s Lizard Thingy . . . but who would want to do that, aside from Lizard Thingy himself?  Ah, the plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

“The bigger they are, the BIGGER THEY ARE!”

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It’s time for Teen Wolf’s obligatory Lacrosse Match.  The whole cast is there . . . Creepy Photographer Guy, Jackson, Danny, Stiles, Scott, Allison, Grandpoppy Not-McCain.  Even the wolf pack has come to watch (minus Fugitive Isaac, of course).  For her part, Allison manages to wrangle her Grandpa’s keys, by using the old “I’m a girl, and I’m cold.  Be a gentleman and lend me your jacket.” trick.

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What girl hasn’t used that one before, huh?

Interestingly enough, despite the fact that Beacon Hills’ Lacrosse Team is getting to the point where it has more Werewolves on it than Humans, they are LOSING . . . BADLY .  . . and all because of some big Hulk of a guy, called the “Abomination.”  (Golly gee!  That’s the name of this episode!)

“I’m just pissed off, because I’m on a team called The Beavers.”

Abomination keeps knocking all members of the opposing team unconscious, leaving Coach Crackhead a player short.  His solution: get someone from the stands to play.  And I bet you will never guess who?

“Because Heaven forbid a male character on this show NOT play lacrosse.” 

It’s Boyd!  The Wolf Man With the Plan.  And wouldn’t you know it?  He gets to be just like Scott, after all, pummeling the entire lacrosse field like a champ, despite having never played the sport . . . ever.  And, of course, no one on the field seems to notice his Big Yellow Glowing Eyes . . . probably because half the team has them . . .

“Like jock straps, demon eyes are an essential part of the team uniform.” 

Grandpoppy Not-John McCain thinks this game is a bit violent for his tastes.  He much prefers nice calm games, like Chess, Checkers, and Cut the Werewolf in Half with a Carving Knife . . .

Lydia is Pretty Crier.  How nice for her . . . (especially considering she does it in every episode).

On his way to Not-John McCain’s office, Stiles runs into a tearful Lydia in the parking lot.  Ever the charmer, Stiles tells Lydia she looks beautiful when she cries . . .

. . . and offers her a petite, but surprisingly well-toned shoulder to cry on.  Lydia seems about ready to take Stiles up on his offer.

Unfortunately, Stiles has some bestiality to take care of, first . . . (Wait . . . I got that wrong again, didn’t I?)

Just like the Gremlins . . . Lizard Thingy doesn’t want to get wet . . .

Stiles is looking for Bestiality .  . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary.  Erica catches him, and brings him to the pool for a nice little swim / chat with Master Derek.  They discuss Stiles’ experience at the Auto Body shop, where Stiles noticed several EPA violations, and one Big Green Scaley Dude straight out of an old Japanese Horror Flick.

Speaking of Big Green Scaley Dude, his ears must have been burning, because he shows up for the party too!  And as we all know, their ain’t no party, like a Lizard Thingy party!

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Like I said, Lizard Thingy clearly has a thing for hot 24-year olds.  So, while it growls at Stiles, and harmlessly bats at Lydia, it’s Derek, who gets the paralytic neck massage, and ends up taking a flying leap into the pool.

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 A now immobilized Derek pleads for Stiles to call Scott.  But ever the unlikely hero, Stiles opts instead to dive into the water and rescue Derek.

The two swim arm-and arm-for hours (well . . .one swims, the other just sort of “hangs out”), as the conveniently water leery Lizard Thingy circles the pool, clearly anxious.  (Now, we know it’s not Jackson!  That guy LOOOOOVES the water . . . Unless, of course, he knows from experience that water will revert him back to his human form . . . hmmmm.)

Yes, Team Sterek . . . this entire scene was written JUST FOR YOU GUYS!  Forget, Lydia and her gorgeous crying, bring on the thinly-veiled homoeroticism!

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(Speaking of lovely ladies, what the heck was Queen Erica doing during all this time? Painting her toenails?)

“I was hungry.” 

Eventually, after a few hours of sexually tense water treading, Stiles and Derek get into a bit of a pissing contest, to determine who’d be better at saving the other one’s life.  Stiles eventually wins, by letting Derek drop into the pool like a rag doll, while he makes a mad dash for the phone to call Hero Scott.  Don’t worry!  He picks him up again.

Turns out, in addition to his solid rock climbing skills, Stiles is also a pretty kick ass swimmer.  I’m telling you.  He’s SPIDERMAN!

Meanwhile, back at the Lacrosse Game . . .

“Sorry about your  almost-broken bones!  Maybe a nice awkward family dinner with the people who want you dead, will make you feel better.”

Just when it seems like Bad Boyd might blow the wolfy lid off his Secret Identity, Scott distracts the crowd, by scoring a relatively human-looking point for the team.  So, of course, the Abomination tackles him.  And of course, right under the watchful eyes of Grandpoppy Not-McCain, Scott heals a very obviously broken leg bone, just by standing on it.

Grandpoppy is clearly impressed . . . so impressed that he invites Scott to his supposedly ex-girlfriend’s house for dinner, despite the fact that the lacrosse game is still going on.  (No worries!  Coach Crackhead can just get another werewolf from the crowd to play in Scott’s place.  The town is literally crawling with them.)

Ah . . . Dinner with Argents . . . it brings back such memories . . . like that time Scott got caught searching for bullets in Kate’s room, and ended up having to tell Allison’s parents he was stealing condoms, instead.  Awesome!

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I have to say, I sided with Grandpoppy Not- McCain on this one, watching the Argents squirm awkwardly, while Grandpoppy openly inquired why Scott and Allison weren’t still boning on a regular basis was kind of awesome.

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“I pretend to hate you, but really, I just want to lick you like a lollipop.” 

And the old guy just seemed to be having such a great time too!

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Eventually, Scott and Allison excuse themselves to go search Grandpoppy’s room for the Bestiality . . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary, and wind up finding a cook book instead.  (I don’t know, maybe their one in the same.  I wouldn’t put it past Not-McCain to pan fry a few werewolves and vampires, and slather them with barbeque sauce.)

But then Scott gets his S.O.S. message from Stiles, annnnd . . . leaves him to die, so he can hang out with Allison some more.  Now, that’s a good friend.

Fortunately, for Stiles, Scott has other business to attend to at the school, business that involves a USB drive on Grandpoppy’s key chain that may contain the Bestiary.  (Pretty tech savvy for an old guy, right?)  So, it looks like our favorite Wolf/Human duo will get rescued after all . . .

Wolfy Scott pulls Team Sterek out of the water just in time to face off against Lizard Thingy, who prompty tosses our hero into some glass.  Thinking fast, Scott holds up one of the shards as a weapon.

“Prepare to get shanked, Gecko from Geico!”

So, you can imagine the Wolf Pup’s shock when Lizard Thingy gets one look at his ugly mug, and runs away crying.  (But was it “a beautiful cry,” Stiles?)

“Don’t look at me.  I’m hideous!” 

I can’t say I blame it.  Lizard Thingy needs to moisturize . . .

Safe and sound, outside the school, Derek tells Scott Lizard Thingy’s name, it’s Kainaima.  Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?  Scott things the whole Scooby Gang (Argents included) should band together to bring it down.  But Derek’s not down with that.  He wants to kill it himself.

Say what?  What happened to your whole “join or die / we can’t do it alone” mentality, Hot Stuff?  Did the paralytic toxin freeze part of your brain too?

Tsk, tsk Derek.  It’s a good thing, you’re so darn pretty . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Grandpoppy corners Scott, and knives him in the gut.  Now Pappy!  Is that any way to treat your future Grandwolf-in-Law?

“Wait . . . before you leave me here to bleed all over the floor, check out my impersonation of an old man.  Pretty good, right?” 

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Teen Wolf

“I wanna be like you” – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ice Pick’

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Best . . .  gynecologist appointment . . . EVER! 

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?

This week on Teen Wolf, we got a little lesson in “family values.”  Every family has some . . . even the really awful ones.  For example, if you’re an Argent, you value the Code, and cutting things in half . . .

. . . even if those “things” happen to be your own arm.

You also value that oh-so-fun family trip to the Gas Station, where you bound and gag one another to chairs, while you taunt eachother using that machine that makes your voice sound like the Ghost Face Killer from Scream.  Conversely, if you are part of Derek’s werepack, you value ice skating . . . and Derek . . . and . . .  well, so far, that seems to be about it.

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Let’s review the episode, shall we?

(As always . . . the awesome screencaps are all Andre’s.  The boring words are all me!)

“Would you like a complimentary window-washing with that kidnapping?”

Oh those Wacky Argents!  They sure know how to have a good time!  We begin the episode by joining Allison Argent at a rather familiar looking gas station.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve spent more time at the gas station on this show, then we’ve spent at Stiles house . . . or even Scott’s house for that matter.  (I guess the set’s a bit cheaper.)

We know right away that something VERY BAD is about to happen to Allison.  After all, why else would we spend three minutes of a preciously limited-time episode, watching her fill up her gas tank?  This isn’t reality TV!

Allison’s not entirely alone.  There’s a hot African American guy at the station, who seems to be checking out Allison.   I only mention that he’s African American, because he’s the first African American “Argent” we’ve seen.

But more on him, in a bit . . .

The lights go at the station, and Allison, sensing danger, rushes back inside her car.  (Did she pay?  I hope she paid!  Gas station attendants have to feed their children too you know . . . even the gas station attendants who work at fake movie set gas stations.)  It’s  too late though, she gets tackled by someone in a black hoodie . . . the official uniform of Bad Guys in Teen Shows everywhere.

Allison awakens in some sort of a woodshed near the handy dandy gas station.  She’s bound and gagged to a rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair . . . though I guess any chair would be uncomfortable, if you were bound and gagged to it.

Kinky! 

Her father is facing her, looking similarly screwed.

“Happy Father’s Day!”

A disembodied voice taunts the pair, while they struggle to get unbound.

Ghost Face Killer voice poses an interesting question, especially in light of all the different responses we’ve been seeing to one single Alpha Wolfbite, this season.  Namely, what happens to an Argent, when he or she gets bitten  . . . you know, aside from the fact that her family disowns her, and may or may not try to cut her in half, while she hangs from a tree.  Would her body reject the bite, like Jackson’s seems to be doing?  Would she experience wacky hallucinations, like Lydia?  Or would she just become your garden variety werewolf, like Scott and now Isaac?

Unfortunately, we don’t get to learn the answer to that question, because Papa Argent breaks out of his binding, like he’s that magician dude, Criss Angel.  He smiles and bows.  Then, the Hot Black Argent returns, carrying an iPhone with a Ghost Face Killer voice app.

Allison Argent . . .

“Is this how we’re doing daddy-daughter talks from now on?”  Allison pouts.

Probably.  But the purpose of this little fun gathering was “training.”  Papa Argent quizzes Allison on some basic werewolf fighting techniques, and informs her that the Argent family is a matriarchal society.   The men kill, and the women “lead” . . . and also kill.  Hooray, for feminism . . . I guess.  Hot Black Argent sets the timer on his iPhone, as he and Daddy A, exit stage left, while Allison uses the tip of an arrow to cut herself free.

She does it in two and a half hours.  And Hot Black Argent, who’s been waiting for her, all this time, thinks that’s just awesome.  It took him three hours during his “training.”  Unfortunately for Hot Black Argent, that extra half hour, might have caused him his life.  We see some snake like thingy, that may or may not be the Lizard Thingy from last week, trip him up, and nip him in the neck.

“This is the part, where I point my gun out in front of me, even though it’s quite obvious that my attacker is making his move from below.” 

Then, in a distance, we see . . . the claws.  Oh, Hot Black Argent, we barely knew yee . . .

Hitting the Wall

We’re in gym class now.  Allison is kicking ass on the rock climbing wall, while flirting with her beau Scott, to boot.

“Stop looking at my bum.  You dirty bum looker!” 

Who knew the littlest Argent possessed so many talents, aside from making out with Scott, and busting out of faux-kidnapping situations faster than Hot Black Argent?  Allison knocks Scott off the wall, and everyone laughs, especially Coach Crackpot.

Next up is Stiles and New Character Erica.  New Character Erica kind of looks Drew Barrymore’s character from all those flashbacks in the movie Never Been Kissed . . . and not just because she’s probably a 25 year old playing a teenager . . . but because she’s clearly an attractive girl that the costume designers have tried really hard to “ugly up” for character development purposes.

In other news, Stiles is like the best wallclimber ever.  He trounced Scott and Allison, and nobody noticed.

Who knew he had that in him.  Maybe Stiles IS secretly Spiderman, after all . . .

But back to New Character Erica, she has a little panic attack on the wall.  Allison informs Coach Crackpot that she’s epileptic, and he lets her come down.  No big deal right?  You know that’s not the end of that story.

Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles gossip about their upcoming evening plans.   While they talk, Stiles takes off his shirt, a sight which is conveniently hidden by an open locker.

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I’m starting to be convinced that Stiles naked body is like Neighbor Wilson’s mouth on that old show Home Improvement.  They are going to taunt us with the idea of it, constantly.  But never actually show it to us.

Scott then gets a weird shaking feeling in his hand.  Turns out, New Character Erica had the dumb idea to return to the rock climb on her own, and with out a harness.  And then . . . wait for it . . . she suffers a seizure, and falls off the wall.  Scott catches her, before she hits the ground.  “My hero!”

“They always make this look a lot easier in the superhero movies.” 

Allison, who runs back into the gym with a bunch of other girls wants to know how Scott knew New Character Erica was in trouble.   I want to know how Allison and the other girls knew . . . but that’s just me.

Perhaps, Erica’s seizures made the entire school shake . . . kind of like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park. 

Scott says “he just felt it.”  Because apparently,  being a wolf allows you to sense other people’s epileptic seizures.  Groovy!

Now we’re at the hospital.  Scott’s mom is telling New Character Erica that she still has hot legs, despite being a mom.  It’s always about YOU, isn’t it, Mama McCall?

“Don’t worry, Erica.  Some day soon, you too will be able to play a mom on a teen show, who has nice legs.” 

Mommy leaves soon after.  Then Derek, who’s dressed in a super sexy grey tank top, appears to wheel New Character Erica to the morgue.  (I guess he “felt” her too.)

DEREK TO ANDRE:  “Hey!  You cropped out my sexy tank top.  What gives, buddy?” 

 Again . . . this hospital has the Worst Security Ever.  You would think, after the whole Alpha Thing, that Derek would at least have to don a pair of scrubs to gain access to patients rooms.  But noooo . . . I guess hot people like Derek can do whatever the f*&k they please, just because they wear droolworthy grey tank tops.

Derek seduces Erica, which isn’t that hard, considering he’s Derek . . .

He reminds her how crappy her life is, because she has epilepsy, by reading her the side effects of the medication she’s clearly not taking.  At least now we know why she’s not taking it.  Derek offers her a better life, then, presumably gives her a nice big ole fang-making stomach hickey, when she accepts.

“Golly.  I sure do wish MTV could afford to put red eye reduction on its camera lenses.” 

It seems we are learning more and more “cool things” about werewolves with each passing episode . .  . like the fact that becoming a werewolf seems to cure human diseases.

But what about diseases to which animals are susceptible?  Like rabies.  I mean, you could argue that the werewolves on this show, act like they have rabies already.   So, getting it again is no big deal.

I’m getting off track again.  What’s important is this . . . New Character Erica has just become the newest member of Derek’s wolf pack.  Umm . . . yay?

Speaking of cures .  . .

The Healing Qualities of Sex with Lydia

In biology glass, Jackson learns about vaccines, and decides that all those times he’s schtupped Lydia, over the past few months, have rendered him “immune” to werewolfism.

“Daydreaming of Wolfy.” 

This is probably the first time, Jackson actually successfully applied something he learned in class to his real life . . . you know, aside from that time in Sex Education, where the kids practiced putting condoms, on small, shriveled rotten bananas . . .

Out in the hallway, Jackson screams at Lydia because her Super Vag has apparently ruined his life.

“You killed my inner wolf with your magic winky, AND you made me watch The Notebook.  You are like SOOO evil!”

Then, she runs off to the bathroom to cry.

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 I don’t know.  If I had a Super Vag, that made asshats like Jackson have a miserable life, I sure as heck wouldn’t be crying.  In fact, I’d be doing this . . .

Anyway, while Lydia’s weeping in the bathroom, a pair of really gnarly bare feet can be seen from outside the stall.  Wow, you must be some kind of idiot to walk around barefoot in a public restroom . . . especially a girl’s public restroom.  Do you have any idea what kind of crap ends up on that floor?  Forget Athlete’s Foot.  We’re talking Athlete’s Gangrene!

All dogs may, in fact, go to Heaven.  But clearly, they don’t offer pedicures there. 

Of course, by the time Lydia emerges from the potty.  (She didn’t even wash her hands!)

Big Foot is gone.  But wait, he’s walking around the school, checking out Peter Hale’s old athletic trophies.  So, Lydia isn’t actually seeing Dead People.  She’s just seeing Dead Peter.

As far as Super Powers, that’s kind of a lame one, don’t you think.  Now, having a Super Vag, on the other hand . . .

The “Fa” Sound

We’re starting to piece together what Scott and Stiles’ Fabulous Secret Plans are.   They  apparently involve a set of keys that only New Character Boyd possesses.  I immediately like Boyd, because he’s a loner, who knows how to negotiate.

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$50 for a single set of keys is kind of pricey!  So, you can understand why a poor soul like Stiles, wants to whittle the asking price down to twenty.  “The price is fifty, with the Fa sound,” Boyd repeats, unmoved.

It’s like Sesame Street.  This episode has apparently been brought to you by the letter “F.”

As in Stiles is totally f*&ked, if he thinks he can get those keys for less than half the asking price.

“As in Forty?”  Stiles tries again.  (At least he has the Fa sound right this time.)

But Boyd is unmoved.  Ultimately, Stiles coughs up the cash.  That’s a lot of money for a high school student!  What kind of allowance is Sheriff Stilinski giving his son?

Speaking of things that make you go “Fa,” New Character / New Wolf Erica, makes her grand slo mo entrance into the cafeteria, complete with background music that basically consists of the word “Hot,” repeated over and over again.  (Because that’s not too obvious at all!)

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Speaking of cliches, she eats someone’s apple off his table.  I think there’s supposed to be some Adam and Eve reference there.

But to me, that’s just plain RUDE!

Erica then leaves school, and rides off into the sunset with Derek.

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Hmm . . . I wonder if, when they screw, it’s in wolf form, or human.  These are the things I think about, while I watch Teen Wolf. . .

After this, we get two little seemingly random scenes, both of which will have more importance later.  In the first, Scott tries to broach the whole “werewolf discussion” topic with The Vet, who demures, and ends up giving Scott a raise instead.  Then Papa Argent asks Allison to “look out” for Lydia, i.e. find out if she’s a wolf, so Grandpa can hack open her body . . . ah . . . friendship!

ALLISON: “You would look SOOO pretty with your appendages cut off!” 

LYDIA:  “You really think so?  That’s SO sweet!”

It’s a Petercicle!

Armed with Boyd’s keys, Scott, Stiles, Lydia and Allison head off to the old ice hockey rink for “Date Night.”  We watch Stiles’ adorably awkward seduction techniques, as he plies Lydia with ugly orange jackets and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  (Hello, Product Placement.)

“Hi boys.  You should TOTALLY buy Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, because they will help you get laid by girls like me.” 

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Stiles seems to think he’s striking out, but us females know that Lydia’s seeming ambivalence toward Stiles is starting to crack at the surface.  In other words, he’s growing on her in a big way  . . .

We are then treated to some “cutesy skating montage scenes.”

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Then Lydia has another freak out, because she hallucinates wolfsbane (pretty)  .  . .

and Peter  (not so much) growing out of the ice  . . .

“Hey girlfriend.  Got an extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for your old pal Petey?”

“I guess that’s a no?” 

If this was a different show, I’d say Lydia was simply suffering from a serious case of PTSD.  But there’s clearly something wolfy going on here . . .

Speaking of something wolfy . . .

B*tches ARE CRAZY!

In the hallway at school, Scott tries to get Erica to tell him, who’s the next lucky candidate for Team Derek’s Hickey of Dreams.  Erica doesn’t answer, instead she aggressively hits on Scott, while Allison looks on pouting.

*Pouts* “Maybe if I got hairy every full moon, Scott would look at ME that way.” 

 It kind of makes you wonder if Derek chose Erica, specifically, because he thought her Little Lost Girl with Epilepsy Story would lure Scott away from Allison.  And it might have worked too.  After all, Scott has always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, and Allison certainly isn’t that.

What Derek probably didn’t count on, was that Wolf Erica would undergo a complete personality transformation, upon being bitten, and start channeling Lindsay Lohan, in that awful movie where she plaid the dead stripper.  Also, if two pack members screw, isn’t that kind of like incest?

Speaking of aggressively unlikeable ladies, Allison’s Bat Sh*t Crazy Alien-Looking Mom finds a love letter from Scott in Allison’s books, and then proceeds to SLICE A BIG FAT HOLE IN HER ARM WITH A KNIFE, just so that she can have an excuse to interrogate Scott’s mom at the hospital.

“Hmm . . . I wonder if these knives need to be sharpened again.” 

“Yep, definitely need to be sharpened . . .”

I don’t know.  To me, that seems like a lot of pain for not much reward.  Scott’s mom basically doesn’t tell Allison’s mom anything she (or we) don’t already know.  When you really think about it, aside from being super creepy, it was kind of a useless scene.  (And seriously, is Scott’s mom the ONLY nurse in this place?  No wonder Scott can run around every night, in faux canine form, without his mom suspecting anything!  She’s always working!)

“But I thought all teenage boys ran on all fours and barked at the moon!” 

Snow Dogs on Ice!

Back at school (The time jumps in this episode are making my head spin.), Scott and Stiles find New Character Boyd’s lunch table empty, and they know right away, because he must be the new pack recruit.  (Why?  Can’t a guy have a sick day?)  Stiles finds Scott impulsive need to save every wolf man in Beacon Hills very sexy . . . stupid . . . but sexy.  “Can we just try to make out for a few minutes?”  Stiles asks hopefully . . .

Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

Elsewhere, Jackson tries to confront Derek at his Crapbox House, only to be accosted by a boatload of Argents with guns.  I’m thinking someone’s going to need a dry pair of pants, after that experience.

Back at the rink, Stiles and Scott find Boyd driving the Zamboni, which is pretty much the most awesome high school job you can have EVER.

“I sure am one bad mamma jamma!”

Scott tries to convince Boyd that Being a Wolf is BAAAAAAAD, which prompts Derek and his new pack of puppies to pop out, and illustrate the other side of the debate.

Meet the Douche Squad. 

Eventually, all this philosophizing starts to get really dull.  And that’s when things really pick up.  I smell a WOLF FIGHT.  Wolfy Scott literally wipes the icy floor with Isaac and Erica.

Naptime for wolfy . . .

 (I guess Slippy Scott got that “balance”problem on the ice straightened out.)

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 But then Derek wolfs out, and promptly wipes the floor with Scott, thus proving that all is fair in love and werewolfism.

“Dammit!  Why do I always miss out on the good stuff?”

Once he regains consciousness, Scott makes one final plea with Boyd to stay on Team Human.  But it’s too late.  Boyd lifts up his shirt, and there, clear as day is his tummy hickey.  But Boyd assures Scott that he doesn’t want to be just another member of the pack, like LAME Isaac and Erica.  He wants to be like SCOTT . . . a lone wolf.  Except, then he follows Derek off into the sunset like an obedient puppy, thereby proving he’s exactly like Isaac and Erica . . .

Now, that’s faaaaa  . . . ucked up.

In other news, Hot Black Argent finds himself on The Vet’s table, as a seriously mutilated corpse.  I’m betting HE wishes he had Derek’s Hickey of Dreams Right now.

Dinner is served! 

 Bites from that Lizard Thing just aren’t as sexy.  Upon seeing this, The Vet decides it’s time he had that Werewolf Birds and Bees talk with employee Scott, after all . . .

Smart choice.

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Jackson can lift up cars with his bare hands now.

How nice for him.  I guess Lydia’s Super Vag isn’t quite as effective as we once thought . . . go figure.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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