Tag Archives: Esther

May Sweeps and April Fools – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Do Not Go Gentle”

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“Oh, how I miss the good old days, when I only had one personality, and when my biggest problem was that my girlfriend’s teenage niece accidentally caught a glimpse of my Chunky Monkey.”

Ever feel used and abused by one of your favorite television shows .  . . like the writers treated you like a cheap tissue, blowing their nose on your tummy, and tossing you in the trash?

That’s kind of how “Do Not Go Gentle,” made me feel, this week.  Of course,  this is not to say it wasn’t a well-written, bold, and game changing episode.  It was!  And yet, I still somehow ended the hour with a not-so-fresh feeling . . .

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Shameless excuse to use Damon shower gif?  CHECK!

Then again, when you think about it, this wasn’t even TVD’s first Fake Death at a School Dance Episode.  (Remember what didn’t happen to Bonnie during “The Last Dance?”)

So, perhaps, I’m a bit at fault for coming into the episode so patently unprepared for emotional manipulation.  On a lighter note, I now have about four more pictures, of hot boys with single tears streaming down their cheeks, for my ever-growing Soulful Crying Collection!  So, HOORAY FOR ATTRACTIVE ANGST!

Let’s review, shall we?

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(As always a Big Bloody thank you to Andre, one of my favorite Fangbangers, for all the awesome screencaps you see here . . . including a few admittedly obscure screencap requests made by THIS lazy recapper . . .)

Faux-bekah Strikes Again

We begin our episode over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer But Not as Well Furnished.  Klaus is hard at work, painting something that, I suspect is supposed to look moody and avant garde, but to me vaguely resembles a big pile of poop . . . literally . . .

This is why you shouldn’t chew on girls who eat beans for dinner . . .

Faux-bekah has just returned from her little pow wow with Psycho-Ric, and wants to “bond” with Klaus.  For the record, Barbie Klaus is acting so completely unlike the real Rebekah (She’s all prim, proper and prissy, now . . . Her accent has even changed) that it annoys me a bit that Klaus isn’t at all suspicious.

“I’m showing you mine.  So, whip it out, and show me yours.  Come on.  Don’t be shy.  It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.  I used to change your diapers.  Oops . . . I mean, our mom used to change your diapers . . . But I’m not your mom, no sir!  Now, bend over and let me spank you on your knee for pooping on that piece of artwork.”

I mean, this is the SISTER he’s known for 1,000s of years (thereby making this at least ten times worse than all those times Katherine fooled Stefan and Damon into thinking she was Elena).  And it’s not as though Klaus is a stranger to bodily possession.

Yet, we get no indication that Klaus is the least bit wise to the fact that his sister is now his mother . . . not even the slightest snarky remark, or eyebrow raise.  I’m starting to think that crushing on Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Caroline, has negatively impacted Klaus’ IQ.

“There’s something different about you, I just can’t put my finger on it.  Oh, wait . . . I know.  You cut your hair and your personality.”

Anywhoo, after the “siblings” discard what is supposedly the Very Last Deadly to Originals Stake together, Klaus starts to discuss the idea of skipping town.  Unfortunately for him, Faux-bekah isn’t  having it.  “But I want to go to the dannnnnnnnce,” she pouts, like the perpetual early 40-something pretending to be the perpetual teenager that she actually is.    (It’s all so very Freaky Friday.)  “And, besides, don’t you want a chance to see Caroline?  I know you looooooooove her.”

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Klaus actually finds this ridiculous argument compelling.  So compelling, in fact, that he agrees to stick around for Mystic Falls’ annual Bloodbath Prom, based solely on the hope that his Prom Queen Crush will dump the football jock, and acknowledge his Hybrid King existence.  Sigh . . .

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After pretending to be “Real Alaric” during a phone conversation with Damon, Psycho Ric meets up with his new girlfriend, Faux-Bekah, again, who  then quickly returns to her old Esther body, by temporarily staking Rebekah.  “WHY?”  I yell at my television.  Just so she can do more of that witchy chanting stuff?  BO-RING.  I don’t know . . . I had the opportunity to parade around as a younger, hotter, version of myself for a few days, while awaiting the destruction of an entire species, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Just saying . . .

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From a storyline perspective, I was also a bit disappointed at how quickly the form of Faux-Bekah was discarded.  For one thing, it make last week’s big twist so much less impactful than it could have been.  Also, personally, I was interesting in seeing how well Claire Holt could pull off the dual role for a more extended period of time.  Of course, I understand this whole possession storyline to some extent was a been there/ done that rehash of last season’s Alar-klaus fiasco.  But still, it would have been nice if Faux-Bekah stuck around a bit longer.

Girlfriend, can’t catch a break . . . EVER.

On a much more shallow note, there’s just something about the way the actress who plays Esther puffs out her lips when she talks that really bugs me.

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If this episode was a more Faux-Bekah centric one, we could have easily sidestepped this inconvenience . . .

In other news, Jeremy’s back in town.  He’s still wearing the ring, but he’s not a psychopath yet . . . at least as far as we know.  He’s also been spending a lot of time with Matt, which is nice.

Since Mini Gilbert has never been particularly sporty, Matt suggests the young stud take up interpretive dance.

Team Human has to stick together, after all.  As long as neither of these guys bring up the fact that they both used to bone eachother’s sisters, I think they will be OK.

Speaking of Matt boning Elena, what was the deal with Caroline telling Matt to stay away from Elena?  That was kind of pushy!  Now, granted, I don’t want Matt and Elena to get together either.  But I was annoyed on Matt’s behalf that Caroline was the one telling him not to “go there.”  After you break up with someone, you officially waive the rights to have any sort of say in who they date next.  That should be like a law . . .  or something.

Wow, I think this is the first time I’m taking Matt’s side over Caroline’s!

Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Caroline and I are no longer on the same team, shipper wise.  And I’m consequently a little mad at her . . . OK, make that A LOT mad.

Shipping Stelena has painful consequences on this blog . . .

“He’s your Epic Love.” *gag, puke, groan*

Last week, we all got to hear Rose’s argument as to why Elena should be with Damon.

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This week, we got Caroline’s rebuttal.  And it basically boiled down to this:

Caroline, because I am mad at you, you get to be the victim of an unflattering screencap.

(1)     Stefan’s and Elena’s love is EPIC.  Ummm . . . NO.  Actually, THIS is epic . . .

Stefan and Elena are more . . . um . . . sweet, I guess?   I don’t want to offend Stelena fans out there.  But I do take offense to the use of the word “epic,” predominately as a result of the clip above.  Stefan’s great and all.  But he’s no Logan Echolls . . . sorry.

(2)    It’s Stefan’s turn.  *snort, giggle*  Yes, last week, Damon’s “turn” involved some super hot dry humping and almost-sex, at a motel that probably actually did rent by the hour.  Stefan’s “turn” -involved a half a slow dance, a lot of crying, and some G-rated hugging.  Long story short, if this was carnival game, and I was Stefan, I’d ask for my red tickets back.  That wasn’t a “turn,” it was a taste test .  . .

Anyway, Caroline’s “super argument” convinces Elena to ask Stefan to Bloodbath Prom.   He accepts gratefully, thinking, “Hey, maybe I could get some action, under the bleachers, while my ex-girlfriend reminisces about the time I almost ate her there . . .”

Sorry, Stefan . . . this isn’t that kind of episode.

Damon, of course, hasn’t gotten the memo about how lackluster Stefan’s “turn” is going to end up being.  So, he broods and pouts a bit, telling Stefan not to accidentally stab Elena with his corsage . . .

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You know, because if she bleeds, he might be tempted to eat her again . . . and not in the “good way.”

Woefully without a date to the Bloodbath Prom, Damon decides to stalk the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie at the hospital, since she’s the only person on this show, aside from Sheriff Forbes, who actually seems to go to work.  Damon informs Crouching Tiger, Hidden Psychopath, that Alaric hasn’t been taking his “Be a Good Boy,” medication, which means he’s now a “Very Bad Boy.”

In real life, this probably thrills the Lady Doc, who, let’s face it, always seemed like the kind who liked it rough.  Of course, for purposes of this storyline, she has to pretend to be appalled.

“That’s hot . . .  um . . . I mean . . . Oh, no.  How terrible!”

One Big Silver Phallus to Rule Them All

Not enough phallic imagery in the first twenty minutes of this episode?  Worry not!  Lady Esther, is about to take her BIG POWERFUL STICK (i.e. the Originals Killing Stake), and thrust over and over again, into Alaric’s ring, until it oozes silver stuff, thereby rendering, it EVEN BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL.

“I’m going to need a bigger condom . . .”

Woo!  I need a cold shower, after watching that . . .

Shameless . . . THAT’S ME!

In all seriousness though, the idea of linking the Immortality Ring to the Stake, to prevent it from burning up instantly upon use, thereby rendering it recyclable, was a pretty brilliant move on Esther’s part . . . not to mention clever plotting, on the part of the show’s writers. . .

Dance Karma’s a B*tch . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Stefan picks up Elena for the dance, and the two make some highly meta jokes about how super deadly dances happen to be, in this town.  Of course, all this seeming self-awareness would be a lot more meaningful if Stefan and Elena were actually smart enough to take their own advice, and . . . wait for it . . . NOT GO TO THE DANCE WHERE ELENA IS PERPETUALLY IN DANGER, AND HER FRIENDS ALWAYS DIE.

Speaking of meta, resident Alpha Male, Tyler Lockwood rarely gets to exhibit his intelligence on this show (except for that one time, when they randomly decided to put him in Advanced Placement History class).  However, this week, for whatever reason, the writers decided to throw Tyler a bone (Cheesy Wolf Joke Alert), and allot to him, what was, in my opinion, the funniest line in this entire, otherwise rather depressing, episode.

It all starts, with Tyler arriving at the 20’s themed dance, all decked out in his gangster finery, and ready to sweep Caroline off her feet with his mad “swing dance” moves.  (His snooty mom probably made him take ballroom dance lessons, as a kid, or something.)  Caroline, of course, is petrified that Klaus will sniff out (another dog joke) his sire, and make him do something awful, like lick his boots or something.

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But Tyler Lockwood is not afraid.  Ripping off all your clothes, and turning into a werewolf, over and over again in the woods, will do that for a guy.  “What’s he [Klaus] going to do?” Tyler snarks.  “Draw you another picture?”

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That My Little Pony drawing  .. .  man, Klaus really was asking for it when he made that.

“I wuv you, Cawoline!”

Back in my high school, that was the kind of thing that got your head shoved in a toilet.  In addition to Klaus’ “gift” to Caroline not exactly being the most manly way to show a lady your affection, we often forget that Tyler too is an artist.  But, unlike Klaus, he draws DUDE stuff .  . . like bloodthirsty werewolves, and naked ladies with big titties.  In other words, in the male pissing contest for Caroline’s affections, Tyler sort of wins this round.

It IS a dance.  So, we have to get all this cheesy, cuddly, coupley stuff out of the way, before we can starting ripping people’s faces off and killing sh*t.  We see Bonnie having a grand old time with her Not-Brother (who kind of still IS her brother) Jamie.

The Lannister family approves!

I’m pretty sure it’s the only time I’ve seen her smile all season.  Then Jeremy arrives, and looks jealous for about two seconds.  Then, he remembers that his ghost girlfriends were about ten times better in the sack than Bonnie ever was.  So, he goes back to play with Matt some more . . .

While Stefan and Elena slow dance, Elena tries to apologize to Stefan for occasionally tongue kissing, and often dry humping, his brother.

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Stefan says he doesn’t care.  He’s just happy to have a date.  Way to set the bar low, Steffie-poo!  Then, Damon comes and cockblocks the pair, which doesn’t particularly bother me, because someone is ALWAYS cockblocking Damon and Elena.  Remember, as Caroline said, it IS Stefan’s turn . . . and being cockblocked is just one of those things that “turns” with Elena on a non-pay-cable show will inevitably include.

 “Sorry to interrupt . . . oh, wait. .  . no I’m not.”

Apparently, Damon actually has a REAL reason for interrupting Stelena time, aside from just pure not wanting it to happen.  Psycho Alaric has gone rogue, and Damon wants to murder the guy, in order to put his “good self,” out of his misery.  This, of course, pisses off Jeremy, because this will be the third father figure he’s lost since the series started.  (Fourth, if you are like me, and always considered Useless Aunt Jenna to be more paternal, than maternal.)

Would you like some salt with your vampire?

Outside the dance, Esther gets Elena to come with her, because Elena’s a moron she wants to save Alaric’s life, psycho or no psycho.  The rest of the Scooby Gang, run off in pursuit but find they are trapped inside by . .  . wait for it . . . a ring of salt.  SALT!  That’s great!  Who knew this year’s Bloodbath Prom theme would end up being Vampire Barbecue?  Throw in a little hot sauce, and some grilled veggies, and we can make a mean shish-kabob . . .

“This reminds me of the 80’s, when I used to do a lot of coke.”

Damon’s the Cockblock King this week, he interrupts Jamie’s and Bonnie’s incest perfectly normal .  . . make out session  . . .

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 . . . to tell them that the Bonnie’s weird chanting, and nosebleed services are needed to move the salt.  Personally, I would have gone with a plain old vacuum, but that’s just me . . .

Now, we are in some weird creepy cemetery.  (I bet with their super high death toll, there are as many cemeteries in Mystic Falls as most towns have Starbucks.)  It’s here that we learn Esther’s Big Bad Plan.  Apparently, in order to kill all the vampires, she wants to  . . . wait for it . . . turn Alaric into a vampire.  Yes, because a vampire hater, who MAKES LOTS OF VAMPIRES isn’t hypocritical at all.

“Who wants to make some S’Mores?”

Seriously?  Is there some rule that no one on this show can stay human, aside from Elena?  Isn’t part of the aura of vampires the fact that they are so SPECIAL, and so much cooler than us humans?  The problem is, in a town where seemingly about 80% of the population is something supernatural, it’s the humans that are special.  Vampires are kind of, been there, bit that, you know?

Here’s another issue I had with this whole Psycho Ric storyline.  We now learn that the real reason, Alaric’s become all crazy and Founder’s Council killing, is not because The Ring Made Him Do It, but because Esther, herself starting chatting his ear off every time he died?  Huh?  So, is that what we are supposed to believe happened to Samantha Gilbert too?

And if Alaric was really nurtured to believe that vampires and all their friends don’t deserve to live, each time he died, was there really ever an alter ego, at all  . . . or has Alaric been secretly psychotic all this time?  As clever as I thought this whole ring twist was at first, I found Esther’s part in it a bit confusing, and more than a bit frustrating.

Small town boy . . . small town life

Speaking of frustration . . . well, at least of the sexual variety, Klaus gets a verbal and emotional beatdown by Caroline, who, for all her keeping his horse pictures, and secretly mooning over him, in previous episodes, really does seem “just not that into him,” when he manages to pull her aside for one “Last Dance” at the prom.

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She does, however, seem at least intrigued by his suggestion that, one day, her “small town life,” will no longer satisfy her immortal vampire urges.  Now THAT’S a storyline I’d like to see explored further . . .

Nonetheless, it is Tyler who Caroline reaffirms her love for at the end of the dance.  And the Alpha Male even earns some extra points, by offering to sacrifice himself on the Scooby Gang altar, just so Klaus could die.  Yeah, Tyler definitely won this round against his Vampire Papa.  The question is, can he win the war . . . and, even if he does, will he survive to reap the spoils of his victory?

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The rest of the Scooby Gang runs into Klaus, while his now blue-balled self is stalking away from Caroline.  Once again, Klaus is forced to join forces with Team Scooby for a common goal.

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Behold . . . the Eye Candy.

Failing to realize that Plot Device Bonnie is already trying to break the salt barrier, so the vampires can rescue Elena . . . again, and stop Esther and Nouveau Ric, Klaus starts strangling her new beau-not brother Jamie.

You better not hurt me, or my Cousin Skeeter will kick your ass . . .

It shouldn’t be hilarious ..  . but it totally is.

Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m a terrible human being.

Wow, they weren’t kidding.  She really IS just a Human Plot Device!

It’s been three seasons, now.  It’s time the writers deeper into their bag of tricks for spells their witches can do to save / ruin the day at the end of every episode.  For example, I’m really tired of the one where they bleed on a piece of paper, and the blood travels around to “find stuff.”  I know, it’s supposed to be all intense and visceral.  But it always just looks like bad finger painting to me.  It would have been better (or at least funnier) if they had Klaus draw another pony picture, and the horse GALLOPED off the page to Elena’s rescue.

Of course, all the vampires are still busy licking salt, so Token Humans Jeremy and Matt have to go out to the creepy ceremony to save Elena . . . This can’t end well . . .

Back at the cemetery, Esther snatches Elena’s blood and feeds it to Alaric.

Coincidentally, Elena’s O face . . . and Elena’s OH NO face are strikingly similar . . .

She then kills him, helpfully informing Elena that, during Alaric’s transition, he will become “Good Alaric” for one final time.  Then, Jeremy and Matt pop up, and try to shoot Esther, which, of course, doesn’t work . . . because she’s an evil witch ghost DUH!  But surprise!

Crossbows RULE.  Just ask this guy . . .

Good Alaric rises to kill the biatch.

“NO MOTHER’S DAY CARD FOR YOU!”

Hooray . . . for now.

In other good news, now that Queen of the Vampire Haters is dead, Bonnie can move the salt with her mind.  The Scooby Gang is FREE!  But before they can leave to grab Elena, Klaus and Stefan, must fight like the gay lovers they truly are.

“We never touch anymore . . . except when you’re strangling me, or trying to stake me in the stomach.”

Klaus, once again, bemoans his lost friendship with Stefan . . . and by “friendship” he means all the great hot ripper sex they used to have.  Unfortunately, for Klaus, Stefan rejects him too . . . so the sex must not have been as good for Stefan, as it was for Klaus.

“Screw you, Recapper.  I’m an Adonis in the sack!”

Wow, duped by Beks, hated by his own mother, and rejected by both Caroline and Stefan . .. this REALLY isn’t Klaus’ episode, is it?

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!

“Shouldn’t someone like say a speech or something?”

“No, no . . . just stare it him.  The depressing -want-to-slit-your-wrist-music will do all the work for us.”

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It’s maudlin emotional manipulation time, when we learn that Alaric, like Caroline’s dad before him, is not going to complete his vampire transition, so as to save his friends from his own murderous impulses.  This is followed by a massively tear jerking moment, in which the entire cast of the vampire diaries, stares longingly at Alaric, and gives the character, and presumably the actor, a fond adieu.

But that’s not all, we also get, single-tear soulful crying moments, first from surrogate son Jeremy, who’s been through this WAY too many times before . . .

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 . . . then from super crier, Elena . . .

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 . . . and finally, from Alaric himself, as bromantic team Bad Ass buddy Damon, joins Alaric in his self-imposed prison for one final glass of scotch, or bourbon, or whatever the heck is these two’s liquid of choice these days.

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In my absolute favorite scene of the entire episode Damon . . . the King of the Single Tear Cry apologizes for killing Alaric  . . .  twice, while Alaric playfully teases Damon about the cheeseball romance novel dream death he gave Dear Rose,  last season.  A few, alcoholic jokes are exchanges, before Alaric finally passes out from the sedative Meredith gave him.  And a lonely, and bereft Damon exits the “jail” stage left.

And if the episode ended here, I would have been happy . . . very happy.  Not because I want Alaric to be dead, of course.  But because I think this would have been a fitting and poignant send off, for a much beloved character . .  . (who’s going to be starring on another show on the CW soon, anyway) . . .

But nooooo .  . . we still have about five minutes left in the episode.  And it only takes about five minutes for everything to go to hell in a bloody hand basket . . .

“Hey, remember that time when I ate you in this gym?  Good times!”

After a couple sweet scenes, featuring various Mystic Falls’ couples comforting each other, in the wake of the “loss of Alaric” Matt and Jeremy: (“Let’s do shots for the Dead Alcoholic,)”

Bonnie and Not-Brother Jamie: (“I’m so sad about Alaric, even though I’ve shared maybe two scenes with him, since the pilot episode. Dad’s not home.  Let’s screw.”)

And Stefan and Elena: “Here’s the gym where I made you feel really bad, by turning off my emotions, and trying to eat you.  Feeling bad makes you human.  Let’s screw.”) . . .

. . . annoying ass Esther returns again . . .

. . . just we thought we were finally rid of that pucker lipped ho.  This time, she’s in Bonnie’s dreams.

Mother Effer (Or should I say, “Mother Esther?”)

Poor Bonnie . . . always a plot device  . . . never a bride.  Off she goes in her Esther-induced trance to almost dead Alaric’s jail to give the leaving Damon, one of her famous migraines . . .

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“One of these days, I’m going to invest in a really good helmet.”

 . . . and to force feed herself to Alaric.  In the final moments of the episode, Alaric awakens as a Robot Vampire version of himself, armed with a big weiner stake, and out for revenge.

Buffy Alaric VAMPIRE the Vampire Slayer

Silly Scooby Gang . . . you should have let Damon break his neck, when you had the chance.

Next week on TVD, more BAAAAAD Alaric beating people up and breaking sh*t  . . .

. . . at least, until they kill him again . . . probably for good this time.  But since they had the funeral already (and Alaric’s already died about 85,000 times since the pilot episode), this one is probably going to be a bit anti-climactic.  Alaric Saltzman has officially become the Boy Who Cried Dead.

Did I mention we already have a webclip?

One things for sure, with only two episodes left in the season, TVD is going to really have to up its game to wow its increasingly tough to please fanbase.  We’ve seen it all, these past three seasons: murder, cannibalism, sex, sacrifice,  death, destruction, doppelganger hijinks.  What can they possibly throw at us now? 🙂  You’re guess is as good as mine . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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When things go bump (and grind) in the night . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Heart of Darkness”

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The moment I got an electric shock from fondling my television screen . . . Totally worth it.

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Long time, no fangirl!  Just in case you missed it, this week on TVD, ELENA FINALLY KISSED DAMON . . . and they humped against a dirty motel wall . . . and did some rather naughty things with their fingers in bed . . . it was all so deliciously tawdry, and long awaited, that I spent much of the episode celebrating . . .

Also, there was THIS . . .

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Oh, and I guess some other stuff happened too . . .

So, let your Big Bad Alter Ego out to play, because this episode of TVD is rated “M” for “More Makeouts Than We’ve Seen All Season.”

The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Saltzman

We begin the episode, in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, also known as ‘The Time Out Corner for Misbehaving Salvatores and Friends.”  That little cage sees more action than a motel that rents by the hour i.e. the place where Damon and Elena shacked up this week   I mean, think about it.  Stefan goes there when he’s all Mean and Rippery.

Damon “rested there,” while he suffered from a nasty case of were-rabies.

Elijah vacationed there, during one of his many Temporary Deaths.

And now it’s Multiple Personality Disorder Alaric’s turn!

Psychotic or not, you have to give Alaric credit for his willingness to endure self-imposed lockdown, so that his Jack Nicholson from The Shining Other Self doesn’t run off and murder all his friends, while he sleeps.

However, when Elena popped by to offer him some food and light reading . . .

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 . . . I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been down there, and what the Good History teacher was doing about the all-important Three S’s” of Life (sh*t, shower, shave).  Because I definitely didn’t see a toilet in there . . . or a hose.  So, unless Warden Stefan was willing to act as chaperone, I’m thinking that place smelled pretty darn rank.

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Anywhoo . . . Elena’s real reason for visiting Alaric, of course, has more to do with her, than with him.  After all, she’s going on a little road trip to Denver with Damon to sow her wild sex oats  “rescue Jeremy,” and she needs a little moral support from her erstwhile father figure.

Understandably,  Alaric is pretty grumpy about the idea that Damon and Elena will be off exploring one another’s nether regions, while he’s busy playing “Find the Stake” with Stefan.  I mean, from the looks of things, it’s been a while since Prisoner Alaric has received a conjugal visit from the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith.  (Apparently, attempted murder is not so great for your sex life.  Who knew?)

Except . . . as it turns out, ALARIC’S a total psycho, which means he and Crazy Nanny Carrie are kind of perfect for one another . . . 

Alaric wonders out loud how Stefan is feeling about this Delena Sexcation.  And Elena responds that it was HIS IDEA!  Well now, this takes the concept of Brotherly Love to a whole new level, doesn’t it?

“Bye honey!  Be SAFE!  Have fun dry humping my brother!

A bit of awkwardness ensues, when Elena pops by La Casa de Rich and Awesome to meet up with Damon, and Stefan meets her at the door.  “Have fun trying to coax that Big Stick out of Alaric,” Elena offers helpfully.  (No, she doesn’t actually say that.  But I kind of wish she did.)

“Be safe,” Stefan replies morosely, as Damon whisks Elena toward the door.

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Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Steffie.  You know vampires can’t impregnate humans or spread STDs!  Though they do love to try . . .

Battle of the Blondes

We then move over to Mystic Falls High, where the students are hard at work preparing for their Bloodbath Prom . . . er . . . I mean Decade Dance.  Seriously, at this point the administration should just pick a day at random, where they line the students up against a wall, and randomly slaughter them, Hunger Games style.  It would be much more efficient.  But while we are on the subject of high school, does anyone else find it ironic that 1,000-year old vampire, Rebekah, seems to be the only one who regularly attends?

Caroline and Rebekah are apparently having a contest to see which of them can out “Regina George” the other.

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And the passive aggressive insults are flying across the gym like dodgeballs . . .  Personally, I think Caroline won this fight, though.  Her, “at least I don’t have sex with everyone I make eye contact with,” comment was filled with win.

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(Everybody knows that “slut jokes and fat jokes,” are the girlfight equivalent of “yo mama” jokes  . . .)  As for Rebekah’s retort . . .

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 . . . it probably would have been more effective if the two girls didn’t look so very much alike . . .  And yet, when Blonde Boy Matt sided with Rebekah, when it came to choosing a 20’s themed decade dance, over Caroline’s proffered 70’s one, it appeared that former featherweight champion, Vampire Barbie, might be forced to concede a victory in this round.  The latter stormed out of the gym in a huff, while Rebekah looked on, her face practically brimming with smug satisfaction . . .

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But, as it turns out, the jokes on Rebekah.  Apparently, Matt and Caroline orchestrated the entire argument, just to give Caroline an excuse to leave school, and engage in Sexy Times with Tyler.  (Seriously?  What is with all these guys offering up their ex-girlfriends as sexual sacrifices to the Altar of Alpha Male?)

Now, maybe this makes me a Bad Person.  But I would rather eat glue, than give an ex-boyfriend I’m not over yet, free reign to start boning my more attractive and probably better in bed rival . . .  It’s one thing to accept that your ex has moved on.  It’s quite another to give them an INVITATION to do it . . . particularly, when YOU aren’t getting any, yourself.

“Doh!” 

Boozing Buddies

Speaking of sacrificial males, Stefan has decided that in order for Bad Alaric to come out to play, Good Alaric needs to take a nap.  So, the Broody Vampire decides to speed matters along, by offering Alchyric some liquid lunch . . . which actually makes sense, since I’ve never seen the guy eat.  (You know how vampires only require blood for sustenance?  I’m starting to think the same concept applies to Alaric and Booze.)

Alaric, of course, tries to go all Dr. Phil on Stefan, and his mind boggling decision to get Elena to explore her feelings for Damon via road trip.  Stefan basically admits that in order for him to continue to pursue things with Elena, he has to know she isn’t lusting after his brother.  (Why Stefan?  It never stopped you, before.)

“Scoot over, brother.  It’s my turn to get the neck.”

Alaric and Stefan also reflect upon whether their Psycho and Ripper so-called alter egos, respectively, are really just themselves after a Bad Day.  “The same things that drive him, drive me,” Alaric reflects wisely.

Of course, if anyone knows anything about being driven by bloodlust to do Bad Things, it’s Stefan.  But for Alaric’s sake, he puts a kinder spin on things.  “It’s not you,” he reassures his buddy boy.  “It’s just your darkest parts.”  (Well, THAT sounds dirty . . .)

The “darkest parts” of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, a.k.a. the chocolate fudge . . .

But while all this navel-gazing and moody self-reflection might BORE Alaric, it doesn’t necessarily put him to sleep.  This, of course, means more “physical” tactics will have to be employed.  And, unfortunately, I’m not talking about sex.  Though really, nothing sends a warm-blooded male to dreamland faster than a solid roll in the hay.  I’m referring to a good, old-fashioned ASS KICKING . . .

Fortunately, Klaus has magically appeared to deliver said ass-kicking.  And when Stefan gives his ex boyfriend the Cliff Notes version of the whole “Save the Cheerleader, save the World Destroy the Missing Stake.  Save the Vampire Bloodline,” concept, Klaus helpfully breaks Alaric’s neck, thereby FINALLY powering this starting-to-become-a-bit-draggy plot line forward.

Sweet Dreams, Good Alaric!  (And THANK YOU, KLAUS!)

“Have you met YOU?”

I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, when the episode cut directly to Damon and Elena, already in Denver.  I mean, isn’t the whole point of a Sexy Times Road Trip, the hours and hours of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at one another, and bond over the bad in-flight movie?

Obviously the duo MORE than made up for this, by the episode’s end.  But at this point in the game, I was a little peeved.

Damon and Elena find Jeremy alone at the batting cages, striking out, of course.  “I should have compelled him to be better at baseball,” Damon quips.  (I don’t know.  If I was a teenage boy, there are a few things I’d want to be compelled to be “better” at, but baseball isn’t one of them.)

“STRIKE ONE”

“STRIKE TWO”

“STRIKE THREE!  YOU’RE OUTTTT!”

 The duo quickly fill Jeremy in on at least part of the reason they are really here . . . to get “I See Dead People” Jeremy to “talk” to Rose, and find out which Original sired her, so that the Scooby Gang doesn’t kill that one.  “So, you came all the way up here to get me to talk to some dead vampire?”  Jeremy gripes.

No, we also came up here, to make sure that Ring of Immortality Ring your wearing hasn’t already turned you into a drooling, vampire-hating loony toons, like your guardian, Alchyric.  “Dead and vampire is redundant, but yes,” Damon replies.

Jeremy promptly informs his darling sister, who has effectively traveled across the country to have sex with Damon effectively prevent the extinction of vampire kind, that the Vampire Apocalypse is just going to have to wait.  Apparently, Mini Gilbert has much more important things to do than save the world . . . like whacking balls with a “dear friend.”

Remember that time, an episode or two ago, when  Jeremy told Elena over the phone that he was heading out to spend time with “some friends?”  And most of the fandom immediately took this a a sign that Jeremy, much like his guardian before him, had already taken a One Way Trip to Crazy Town?  In fact, many fans even went as far as to suggest that these “friends” Jeremy was referring to may actually be vampires he’d already murdered, in the same way he offed that hybrid, before being sent away in the first place . . .

As it turns out, fans were right to be worried about the fact that Jeremy made “a friend.”  Apparently, sexy little Jer is only allowed to have real “friends” if they belong to his sister, or secretly want to sleep with him.  “Didn’t you find it a little weird that you made a friend so fast?  Have you met you?”  Damon chastises Jeremy later for his poor judgment.

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So, yeah, long story short, Jeremy’s friend was “Kol,” a reveal that probably surprised precisely no one, since we knew the Original Vamp had been stalking Jeremy, and his new dog (See, at least Jeremy has a Man’s Best Friend), ever since the latter arrived in Denver.  That said, I must admit, I did feel a bit bad for Jeremy, when Kol admitted.  “You and I are not really buds,” before bashing Damon’s head in with an aluminum bat.  (Of course, I felt worse for Damon for being beaten by an aluminum bat.  But, I felt bad for Jeremy too!  I mean, everyone should have REAL friends right.  Even if those friends just so happen to be blood sucking sociopaths . . .)

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Eventually, Damon manages to stake Kol with something that ISN’T dipped in or made from white oak ash (i.e. good for temporary death nap, but nothing more), and the threesome escape the batting cages, relatively unscathed.  But  . . . with Kol knowing the groups whereabouts, they can’t well stay in Denver.  So, you know what that means.  It’s time to check into the Sex Motel!  (Can I get a hell yeah!)

In which I take back everything bad I ever said about Rose the Vampire . . .

Unfortunately, this vacation isn’t only for Delena pleasure.  It’s for business too.  So, upon arriving at the hotel Jeremy “I talk to dead people” Gilbert manages to channel Ghost Vampire Rose, through Damon’s memories of her.

When Damon first starts waxing poetic about Rose’s death being beautiful, and sweet, and blah, blah, blah, Elena thinks he’s blowing smoke up Jeremy’s ass.  And understandably so.  After all, the last time Elena saw Rose, she looked like this . .  .

. . . and was literally trying to chew Elena’s face off.  It’s not really an image one soon forgets.  Interestingly enough, it’s Jeremy, who has either already connected with Rose, or simply managed to get hi s hand on the TVD Season 2 DVD that corrects Elena’s misinterpretation of the situation.  “Damon was talking about the dream he gave her when she died,” he offers.

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(Damn, Ghost Whisperers, always thinking they know everything . .  .)  After the reunited pair get the banal chitchat out of the way . . . (Yes, Rose is still hot.  Yes, she misses Damon, but is NOT obsessed with him.) . . . things start to get really interesting.

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Now, those of you who have read my recaps before know full well, that I was far from Rose’s biggest fan.  I believe the nickname I used for her was “Boyfriend Stealer.”

In fact, for weeks after she died, I refused to use any other photograph to illustrate this character but her Were-Rabies Mugshot.

Here we go again . . .

 It wasn’t really anything personal.  It’s just that, as a Delena shipper, I found the fact that Rose was constantly humping Damon to be . . . well . . . how do I put this kindly .  . . REALLY ANNOYING!

That all changed when Elena told Jeremy THESE fateful words, “Tell Damon I’m rooting for him and Elena.”

That’s right, Fangbangers.  Apparently, my former fictional arch rival is a fellow Delena shipper.

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This means she and I have the incontrovertible bond of folks who share the same ship.  And, therefore, I must love her like a sister.  (It’s easy for me to do this, since I am an only child, and really have no concept of what “loving someone like a sister” actually means.)  So, Rose, if you are out there . . . in Heaven, or wherever it is that rabid vampires go .  . . I’m sorry for calling you Man Stealer, posting ugly pictures of you on the internet, and not being particularly sad when you died.  I truly hope you can forgive me.  Oh, and if you ever want to come to my house, and watch Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries with me on DVD (We can skip your death episode of course), I promise to invite you inside.

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Oh, but back to the real reason we called Rose.  Who sired her?  As it turns out, it wasn’t ANY of the Originals.  Rather, the woman who sired Rose was a girl named “Mary Porter,” a.k.a. Scary Mary.  (Well, this certainly complicates things.)  Though Rose doesn’t know where Scary Mary lives off hand, apparently there’s some Vampire Phone Chain she can tap into.  Rose promises the Scooby Gang that she will do some research, and get back to them with an answer, before bidding them a fond adieu.

This, of course, means Damon, Elena and Jeremy can’t leave until they hear back from Rose.  Damon calls Stefan with the AWESOME . . . er . . . I mean terrible news.  “We’re stuck in a motel,” says Damon glibly.

The look on Stefan’s face upon hearing this admission is totally priceless.  Sorry, buddy.  But hey, you wanted Elena to explore her feelings for Damon.  And now she’s going to have an entire night in a not particularly big bed to do just that . . .

Mother/Daughter bonding?  (Yeah, we should have remembered that NEVER really happens on this show.)

Back at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Decorated (also known as the Originals’ house), Matt drives Rebekah home from school.  And she is so impressed that a boy actually did something nice for her, that she looks like she wants to hump his leg.  All joking aside, I REALLY these two together, and hope they both live long enough on this show to make a go of it.

“Thank you!  I WILL have a nice life.  Because I’m the only human left on this show . . . unless you kill me, of course.”

Rebekah’s good mood is short-lived though.  Because when she crosses the threshhold into her home she’s greeted by none other than her miserable murderous, slightly bug-eyed Mommy.  Mommy Dearest tells Rebekah that the latter really should have no hard feelings about the whole “I tried to kill you” thing, because she’s dying now too.  We all know how starved Rebekah is for ANY show of love and kindness.  So, of course, she cracks immediately, cradling her mother’s hands as the latter . . .  “dies.”

In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  “Big mistake . . . HUGE!”

“Tell him to suck it,” and other moments of Forwood Cave Porn

Meanwhile a much happier reunion is occurring in the Forest Where Bad Things Happen.  I really do love how horny Caroline and Tyler always seem to be.  I mean, think about it, whenever they aren’t broken up, these two are ALWAYS, ALWAYS boning.  This week they were almost too busy boning to engage in any dialogue at all.

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They boned against the tree .  . . They boned against the cave wall . . . They boned on the cave floor.

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They would have boned at Caroline’s house.  But they couldn’t because Lizard Forbes was home, which meant they actually had to talk.  Well, that don’t go over so well . . .

(Yes, before you guys, all jump down my throat, I know that Caroline and Tyler had a very sweet post coital conversation on the cave floor, during which Caroline said Klaus should suck it (HE WISHES!), and admitted to Tyler that if the Scooby Gang killed Klaus he would die too.  Caroline and Tyler are fully capable of engaging in adult conversation.  They’d just much rather have sex.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I mean, have YOU seen them?  I’d bone all the time too . . .)

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But back to Caroline’s house, where everything went to hell, and all because Caroline just COULDN’T bear to throw away that darn pony picture that Klaus drew her.  Ruh-roh!  Tyler didn’t like that one bit.  And I for one, think his anger was justified.  I mean, the way I see it, if a sociopathic psycho killer draws a picture of you, there are only two rational reasons why you would want to keep it.  (1) He’s a FAMOUS psycho killer.  And you plan on selling the picture on E-bay for a crapload of money.  (2) You’re hot for the psycho killer.

Sorry Caroline . . . we haven’t seen you on E-bay.  So, I’m thinking it’s option 2 for you . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Looooooooove Shack . . .

In which Elena finally ravages Damon, a.k.a. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

His suspicion piqued by Rose’s offhand comment, Jeremy understandably wants to know what’s going on between Elena and Damon.  The problem is that Elena’s not quite ready to admit what’s going on to herself yet .  . . at least not for another hour or so.  But Jeremy takes the hint anyway, and lets Elena and Damon share the second bed, while he sleeps alone.  Smart boy . . .

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Later that night, Elena is watching an open shirted Damon strut around the hotel room with his shirt hanging open (which is my FAVORITE Damon Look, by the way), and looking hotter than I’ve seen him look like .  . . EVER.

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And this is including all those shower scenes!  She’s staring him like she wants to swallow him whole.  And even though she tries to pretend she’s sleeping when he turns around, he notices . . . as all hot guys notice, when girls are ogling them like construction workers.

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Sensing an opening (smart boy), Damon crawls into bed with Elena, but lays on his back, so as not to make her feel pressured.  It’s not the first time they’ve slept together.  But it IS the first time Elena has seemed so very eager.  And Damon doesn’t want to screw up the moment.

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Elena starts the conversation, as she turns toward Damon, her eyes roving his mostly naked body.  Her eyes are already filled with yearning and wanting.  I suspect it’s already taking all her strength not to jump him right here and now.  But she’s got to treadly lightly too, as this is a “test of her true feelings.” And she doesn’t want her hormones to get in the way.

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“You never told me what you did for Rose,” Elena muses.

“It wasn’t about you,” Damon responds wisely.

It’s an important point to make.  Because, as far as Elena has always been concerned, Damon only did good, and selfless things for Elena’s benefit, because he loved her, and sought her approval.  But Damon’s selfless actions with regard to Rose, really didn’t have anything to do with Elena, or even with love for that matter.  Damon did what he did, because he cared about Rose as a friend, and because it was . . . wait for it . . . the right thing to do.  In fact, when he had the opportunity to tell Elena about it, when she comforted him later in the episode, he chose not too, because, as he said, it had nothing to do with Elena or his love for her.

Elena can be dense sometimes, but even she recognizes a selfless gesture when she sees one.  And this gesture of Damon’s is starting to make Elena feel all tingly in her pants.  You can see her face flush, and breathing quicken, even though it is dark.  As much as Elena “loves” Stefan, I don’t recall a time where she ever seemed this incontrovertibly turned on by his mere presence and the sound of his voice.

“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?”  Elena muses.

I love what Damon said here . . .  “When people see good, they expect good.  And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”

Those two sentences explain so much about who Damon is, and why he behaves the way he does.  In the same way Rebekah craves affection, Damon fears rejection.  And why not?  In a way, he’s been rejected all his life . . . by his father . . . by his brother . . . by the women he loves.  So, rather than put himself out there, and risk being rejected again, Damon turns inward.  He pretends to be cold and heartless, because it’s easier that way.  Because if people saw how truly large his heart was, they might toy with it, and break it.  And he’s simply not ready to bear the brunt of that pain for another eternity.

Of course, we have seen Damon show his goodness to many people . . . people he loves and cares about . . . like Stefan, Elena, Alaric, and Rose.  But he always does so with a caveat.  “I don’t do GOOD,” he tells them all . . . a pleading refrain.

When what he really means is, “Please don’t break my heart again.”

Elena understands all this instinctively, which is why she’s now so incredibly hot for Damon, she can’t breathe.   She turns her body toward the ceiling, mimicking his earlier gesture, but not before she reaches for his hand . . . What starts as a gesture of solidarity and understanding, becomes something much more . . . intense.  Seconds later, these two are having some serious Hand Sex.  There’s rubbing, massaging, groping and fondling.  Put it this way, if these were any other body parts, aside from fingers, this scene would be rated NC-17.

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Can you blame Elena for needing to go outside for some “air?”  And, more importantly, can you blame Damon for following her?  He knows a turned on hot tottie when he sees one!

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 By the time Damon approaches Elena, she’s literally gasping for breath.  She can’t resist any longer.  She grabs him, and kisses him intensely.  He throws her against the wall of the dirty motel passionately, as he kisses her chest and neck . . . there is not a single erogenous zone left untouched.  (Well . . . maybe ONE erogenous zone.)  She’s moaning, he’s panting.  It’s the dry hump of all dry humps.  And it is awesome.  And for one brief minute, the world is a perfect SEXY place.

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And then Cockblock Jeremy comes and ruins it all . . .

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Apparently, Rose has found Scary Mary in Texas, or wherever.  Who cares?  I want more Delena Almost Sex!  I’ve waited THREE SEASONS FOR THIS, DAMMIT!  Let’s relive it, shall we?

Where’s Fake Friend Kol when you need him?

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Vampire Hoarders – Scary Mary Edition

All sexual frustration aside, you know what?  I’m kind of disappointed that we never got to meet Scary Mary.  I mean, if DAMON thought she was creepy,  she must have really been a piece of work.  And yet, not creepy enough for our Bad Boy Vamp not to screw her in the past.

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That IS pretty Scary . . . Mary . . . 

“I said she was creepy, not ugly,” Damon quips, as Damon and Elena wander her haunted farmhouse of freakishness.  (They made Jeremy wait outside.  “Why so you two can make out more?”  Jeremy griped.  WE WISH!)

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Don’t mind if we do  . . .

Of course, Kol killed Scary Mary, before they got there.  Now, not only will we never get to meet Scary Mary.  We aren’t going to find out which Original sired her . . . probably for another season or so.  Maybe I’m exaggerating.  But I’m starting to think not.  Kol starts beating Damon up again.  Because it seems that poor Damon can’t go two episodes without getting torture or a beat down.  That’s just the price you pay for being a stud, I guess.

On a shippers note, I did love how both Elena and Damon put themselves in harms way to protect their makeout buddies.  “Don’t you touch her,” Damon growled, thereby causing my panties to drop again for about the 80th time this hour.

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But be wary, Delena fans.  Angst is-a comin . . .

In which Elena screws everything up (AGAIN),  but Rose gives us hope . . .

Outside Scary Mary’s house, Damon and Elena fondle one another’s wounds, as we know they LOOOOVE to do with one another.

But Damon makes the mistake of asking Elena what her sudden change of behavior is all about.  “Stefan thinks I have feelings for you,” Elena mumbles pathetically.

“Do you?” Damon asks stupidly?

(Really Damon?  You have to ask.  I mean, did you WATCH that hotel scene?)

“I don’t know,” replies Elena.

(AGRRRRHHHHH!  These people are killing me!)

Then, Elena has to go be all b*tchy, and admit that part of her was hoping that Damon would sabotage their makeout session, so Elena wouldn’t have to face the fact that she’s in love with someone who isn’t SAINT Stefan.

As frustrating as this scene was, I have to say, I was super proud of Damon for staunchly refusing to behave badl, thereby giving Elena an excuse to deny her feelings, and go running back to Stefan again.  Things may have ended badly between Damon and Elena, this week.  But I think, overall, it was a positive thing that Damon held his ground and leveled the playing field.  It’s about time, Elena chose a Salvatore once and for all, based on her true feelings, and not on some lame technicality . . .

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On the car ride home, Ghost Rose whispers in Jeremy’s ear that Damon and Elena had a fight, which is why they are now not talking, whereas, prior to this, they were eating one another’s faces.  (Well, THANKYOU, Captain Obvious!  And here, I thought they had just caught a bad case of mono / bronchitus, from all that kissing they were doing earlier.)

But like I said, I can’t bash Rose any more . . . especially not when she assumes the voice of the entire Delena fandom, by explaining why exactly, Stefan is the “safe” choice for Elena (because Rippers are SUPER safe), while Damon is the SEXY choice.  “She makes him a better person.  But he changes her too,” she explains surprisingly eloquently.  Damon challenges [Elena].  He makes her question her beliefs.  He is either the best thing for her or the worst.”

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Well, I’m going to go with THE BEST . . . but, other than that, I really couldn’t have said it myself.  I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Rose.  Thanks a lot.  (And, hey, if you ever want a side career, in TV recapping, you know who to call . . .)

Welcome back, Psycho Killer!

Back in Psycho Killer rehab, Alaric has woken up from his neckbreaking still himself . . . unfortunately.  Now, Stefan has to resort to beating Good Alaric up, in order to get Bad Alaric to come out and play.  Alaric even removes his ring, to raise the stakes.  It’s a surprisingly unpleasant scene, with Alaric bleeding everywhere, and Stefan desperately trying to fight the bloodlust he NEEDS to make this happen.

Eventually, Psycho!Alaric does appear.  And he starts flinging insults at Stefan like it’s his job.  “You’re pathetic,” he sneers.  “You’re nothing,” etc. etc.

But Psycho!Alaric isn’t all that smart, apparently, because it only takes him about two minutes to reveal that he hid the stake in the cave “where no vampire can get it.”  (Seriously, what’s with these people and caves?  Doesn’t anyone in Mystic Falls like to hang out above ground anymore?)

Of course, by the time Stefan and Psycho!Alaric arrive upstairs, Klaus and Rebekah are already waiting for them.  “Rebekah” gallantly offers to escort Psycho!Alaric to the cave, so Klaus can flirt some more with Stefan.  Honestly, Klaus has such a big boner for Stefan it’s not even funny.  It makes his boner for Caroline, look like . . . well . . .a handdrawn picture of a pony.  “I want my friend back,” Klaus gripes.

But Stefan isn’t about to be won over so easily this time.  He’s accepted his Ripperness, dagnamit!  And now NO ONE can control him . . . well . . . except for maybe Elena . . . boyfriend is TOTALLY whipped.

Here comes the TWIST . . .

Meanwhile, over in the caves, Psycho!Alaric, knowing he’s in grave danger of an Original Ass-Whipping / Cave Murder, tries to strike a deal with Klaus Barbie, before he crosses the threshhold back to where vampires CAN travel.  “Only one Original has to die,” he pleads.  “Help me, and I’ll make sure it’s not you.”

A fair enough proposal, but Rebekah isn’t having it . . . as she Boldly Goes into the Cave Where No Vampire Has Gone Before.  You see . . . because Rebekah isn’t a vampire anymore . . . She isn’t even Rebekah, anymore.  She’s MAMA “I WANT ALL VAMPIRES TO DIE” Esther  . . . .

. . . who’s currently borrowing her daughter’s body, like I used to borrow my best friend’s clothing in junior high.  (Her body fits better though . . . My best friend was WAY TOO TALL for me to fit in her pants.)

I smell an ALLIANCE OF EVIL . . .

And that was “Heart of Darkness” in a nutshell . . . next week we get another Deadly Decade Dance.  You can check out the Extended Promo, and a sneak peek here . . . (I’d give you the Canadian one too, if I could find it . . .)

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The “Save Elena” Games . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “All My Children”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD.  And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love,  honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity,  freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl.  She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.  And that girl, of course, was  . . . Elena Gilbert.  Isn’ it always?

So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games  TVD-cap . . .

Figuratively (and literally) Fondling Damon Salvatore . . .

The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear.  Hmmm . . .  that teddy bear looks very familiar.  Where have I seen it before?

Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉  Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely.  And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.

“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’

Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone.   And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie!  We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.

“No more phone sex for you, Buster!  (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)” 

Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?

Nahh  . . . I didn’t think so .  . .

Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).

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“Oh hey, Elena!  You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”

Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities.  She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around.  Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself.  And why shouldn’t he be?  After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap.  Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .

But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood.  Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.

She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies.  As it turns out?  Not so much . .

“There’s more where she came from!”

You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena?  Stefan.

(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice.   And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)

 At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*

The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”

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Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever  . . .

As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done.  “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.

But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.”  It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature.  So, instead of high fiving,  Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.

(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement.  Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)

Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.

What?  Elena?  Ruin plans?  NEVER!

Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .

Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house.  So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense.  Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet.  To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth   . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.

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Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .

Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly?  But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet.  He still has THIS to say . . .

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 I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor.  TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes .  . . 😉

With Kol and Klaus out of the house,  Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual .  . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats.  Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this.  Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.

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Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face.  (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.)  So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .

Tales of a Vampire Gigolo

Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women.  You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . .  Well played, Damon.  When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls.  You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .

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Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell.  But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.

That’s better!

Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch  to kill all her kids that very night.   Ruh-roh!  Talk about burying the lead!

Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath.  I disagree.  And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .

“Are you there, Elena?  It’s me, Elijah!”

Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane.  (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?)  As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time.  They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.

This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat.  But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.”  and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”

 “That’s not going to work!”

It works like a charm!

The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering,  quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands.  She confesses everything.  “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.

“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.

One word: HOT!

The battle lines are drawn

While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing.  He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted.  (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . .  perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)

The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another.  Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉

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Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer.  (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.)  Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point.  His lady love is missing.  And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family.  She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna.  Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch.  It’s all highly unpleasant.  But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.

“Just nod and smile, baby.  Just nod and smile.” 

Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing.  What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms.  After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her.  The plan?  Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.

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Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests.  Anything for Elena!  (Man, how many times has THIS happpened!  For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)

Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern.  Hurry up, Salvatores!  Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!

Speaking of balls . . .

The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist

The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one.  Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark.  Caroline, of course,  gets Klaus.  But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls.  Though, I guess  the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.

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Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie.  “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.

First his teeth, now his liver.  I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.”  Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)

This is Kol . . . 

When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely.  *insert whipping sound*

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 “Get to know me, I dare you,” says Klaus, as the two get comfy on a park bench.

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But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark.  In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:

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Back in the bar,  Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.)  So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  It’s like a game of Clue!

All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead .  . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache.  But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger.  Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt.  So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.

A scuffle ensues, and Kol  is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals.  Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head.  He probably would have gotten much worse.  But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand.  i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.

The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .

Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .

Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt.  The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it,  while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals.  (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.)  Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .

Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.”  Neither one wants to do it.

 

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But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts.  They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse.  We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.

Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans.  But really, the Originals should be expecting this.  After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once.  The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores.  Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?

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Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena.  But then, in a surprise move,  Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because  . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.

In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing.  “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.

Oh, silly Original Mother?  Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches?  I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon .   . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.

Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air.  But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?

The Aftermath . . .

Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend.  (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!)  Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship.  She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold.  So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses.  How sweet!

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Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire.  (Grams would have hated that!)  And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result.  (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . . 

Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too.  Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉

“What are you wearing?” 

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss.   There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena.  On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying.  On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”

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Now, with this, I agree.   Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original.  Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive.   And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.

Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge.  He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return.  But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with,  in the first place.  And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .

At least, I hope so . . .

In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake.  Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her.  Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion.  How adorable!  Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .

Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse.  There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually.  So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂  He’s still super pretty though!

Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist.  This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .

Oh Crazy Nanny Carrie . . . you weren’t fooling ANYONE except, perhaps, Alaric.

In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons.   “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.

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Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer.  But that would just be too easy.  As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time.  That remains to be seen.  But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .

Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .

But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?

And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Tougher the Vampire, the Bigger his Balls! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Dangerous Liaisons”

You are invited to dance with, screw, and possibly be murdered by some of the hottest vampires in Mystic Falls.  R.S.V.P., A.S.A.P!

Howdy fangbangers!  This week on TVD we had a BALL . . . multiple balls, in fact . . . depending on your definition of the term. 😉

It was also a very good week for dancing, shipping, and, of course, surprise “back door entrances.”  So chug back a glass of Petrova Doppelganger blood, slip into your fanciest finery, and prepare for some “Dangerous Liaisons.”

My Knight and Shining Elijah

You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Williamson and Co.  Somehow, they can take even the tiredest of TV and Movie tropes, and give them a fresh twist to make them seem new and interesting again.  Case in point: you’ve probably all seen the “someone’s hiding in the backseat of your car” scene, about a few dozen times before tonight.

Hey, would you mind lowering that axe, I can’t see out of my review mirror . . .” 

And that’s precisely what I, and I suspect many of you, thought was coming, when the writers made a point of spending FIVE FULL MINUTES on Elena having a seemingly useless conversation with Matt outside the hospital, and SLOWLY getting her car ALONE, all the while, with the distinct feeling that SOMEONE WAS WATCHING HER.

What we didn’t expect was that the stalker in question wasn’t actually in Elena’s car, but rather, behind it, and then, subsequently, under it.  That’s right, folks.  Elena HIT and Ran Over her stalker.  But when she emerged from the car to check out what had happened . . . wait for it . . . NO ONE WAS THERE . . .

Until SOMEONE HAD HER UP AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR . . . and not exactly in a hot, foreplay, way either . . .

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Well, maybe in a little bit of a hot, foreplay, way . . .

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But, worry not!  The Gentleman Vampire Elijah is not going to let anything happen to the woman who shares a face with his first (and second) love, even if it means going against his sister .  . .

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“You are pathetic,” Rebekah seethes.

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Umm . . . yeah, if by “pathetic” you mean “AWESOME!”

Cue TVD’s resident recapper Elijah’s filling in Elena, off screen about what happened in the last scene of “Bringing Out the Dead.”  Now, that was a conversation I would have liked to have seen!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Anyone Else Feeling Used?

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Aside from that time, when she de-staked Elijah and didn’t tell anyone . . .

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 . . .  this might be the first time Elena knows something about the supernatural world, before Damon and Stefan do.  It’s kind of cool to see her schooling them, like that.  Damon, in particular, is annoyed that the Scooby Gang did all this work to open the Fourth Coffin, only to find that it’s contents were nothing more than a Family Reunion Party in a pretty little package . . .

After all, if all Mama Original plans to do with Klaus, is kiss and make up with him . . . well that’s really not going to help him DIE, now is it?

And yet, as those of us who have already watched the episode know, Damon’s view of the situation is a bit myopic . . .  And I mean that in the nicest way possible, TV Boyfriend . . .

Knock, Knock . . . Who’s there?  No one?

Apparently, despite being thousands of years old, the Original Family has still not outgrown the game: “ding, dong, ditch.”  Elena finds an invitation to the Michaelson’s (that’s the Original Family’s name, BTW) Ball.  (I guess Damon’s and Stefan’s got lost in the “ditch.”)

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On the back of the invitation is a little love note from Esther Original.  It says, “Come and play with me at the party.  I promise I won’t send Ghost Vicki to burn you alive in your car again, like last time. LOL.  XOXO – Esther.”

Or something like that . . .

Elena wants to attend the sitdown, suspecting that perhaps it might help in the whole “Kill Klaus” thing.  Stefan seems to agree with her (either that, or he just thinks that agreeing with her will help him get into her pants faster).  But Damon thinks it’s a terrible idea . . . probably because it is a terrible idea.

This isn’t the first time Elena has gotten involved with an Original, and Damon has disapproved . . . while Stefan sat back and watched, hands folded across his chest.

The difference, of course, is that back then, Stefan’s constant agreement with Elena, was his way of showing her love.  Now, he’s agreeing with her to hide those same feelings.

“That’s your job,” Stefan says to Damon, regarding the responsibility of caring for Elena.  This would be fine, if we DIDN’T just hear Stefan admit he was in love with Elena, last week.

Which version of Ripper Stefan are we going to get next week?

Make up your mind, Buddy!

At the end of the scene Damon promises to check out the whole Mommy Dearest thing for Elena.  He assumes this means that he will get to go to the ball, while Cinderella Elena, and the trusty mouse that helps dress her (Stefan) will stay home.  Silly Damon!  What makes you think Elena would ever give up the opportunity to dance with you?

Meet the Michaelsons

In last week’s episode, all of the Original “kids” (if you can call them that), all seemed pretty united in kicking Klaus’ ass .  . .  both physically, and emotionally.  But this week, we really got to see the various dynamics and alliances between them . . .  For example, Kol seems to have an almost incestuous affection for his sister . . .

. . .  has little love lost with his mother, and really, really, really does not get along with Klaus.  (Now, we know why Klaus feared facing him alone.)

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In some ways, Kol is scarier than Klaus, because he genuinely seems to lack anything resembling empathy . . . His only concern is himself (and maybe Rebekah).  As for Klaus, as impulsive, calculating, and sometimes downright evil he can be, we all know that inside, he is made of mush, fatherly neglect, a need to be loved, and a deep, deep attraction to blonde baby vampires named Caroline . . .

Klaus’ mother, on the other hand, seems all goopy sweetness and light, which, at least on this show, makes her entirely suspect . . .

Speaking of suspect . . .

Fondly Klaus

At Caroline’s house, we see her get a phone message from Tyler.  This is actually Tyler’s only appearance in the entire episode . . . a disembodied voice in the iPhone.  It’s sad, really.  But I was glad that Tyler saw fit to call Caroline about her dad’s death, and that he’s trying to “cure” his sire bond for her.  Caroline seemed touched as well.

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 . . . just not in the way he wanted to touch her, if you catch my drift.

Ding, Dong, Ditch, again!  Like Elena, Caroline just landed herself an invitation to the Michaelson’s ball.  But the little love note on the back of her card isn’t from Goopy Sweetness and Light, Esther.  It’s from Klaus . . .

Did I mention he also bought her a dress?   Oh Tyler.  Get thee back to Mystic Falls pronto.   Your hours and hours of sacrifice and excruciating pain are no match for the likes of Tiffany and Vera Wang . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Caroline discuss the freaky weirdness that is the Michaelson’s ball.  “It’s some freaky Cinderella fetish,” Caroline muses.

There is some discussion as to which Salvatore will be escorting Elena to the ball, since one of them recently lost his “feelings” chip, and the other one, MADE OUT WITH HER, LIKE A BAMF!

Yeah . . . apparently,  Little Witch Bonnie is fairly lame, when it comes to the whole “secrets keeping” thing.

Caroline is more than a bit hurt that Elena didn’t tell her, herself, especially considering how quickly Elena told Caroline the first time she and Matt kissed.  It’s funny how vampires and a supernatural lifestyle can mess with your priorities.  Speaking of Matt, he actually seems to be the only one who actually gets his invitation to the ball handed to him, by Rebekah, no less . . .

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“Is it about moi, then?” 

Caroline and Elena look on with concern, and decide that they should attend the ball, after all, if only to prevent a guy they both dated, once upon a time, from being eaten . . .

Cinderella Fetishism at its Best . . .

It may be the Michaelson’s dance, but the place it’s held looks suspiciously like Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Am I wrong?  I guess it’s just easier to use and reuse this set, everytime Mystic Falls has one of it’s big fancy parties.

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Also, the place is packed!  What’s the population of Mystic Falls, anyway, especially considering that about three humans and three random supernatural characters seem to get killed here, at least once a week?  I mean, if that’s not population control, I don’t know what is?  Additionally . . . THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT. .  . New York City, it clearly, isn’t .  . .

But i digress . . . Damon — who may or may not have gotten his own invitation — is flirting with Carol Lockwood, who claims she is playing nice with the vampire neighbors, in order to keep her town safe.  Enter Kol, who, in about two minutes, manages to disarm Tyler’s mom, and brutally insult Damon, in one quick shot.

This town doesn’t have a prayer . . .

Generally speaking, our man Damon doesn’t take kindly to insults, particularly by vampires.  But fortunately for Kol, Damon is a bit distracted by a recent occupant of the ballroom.  It’s Elena.  And between her curled hair, vampy makeup, and big poofy black sequined ball gown, she’s looking more than a bit Katherine-y.  Damon most definitely approves . . .

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I’ll never get over the way Damon looks at Elena, particularly when she’s dressed up.  What girl wouldn’t want to be looked at that way, by the man of her dreams?  And Elena gets to be looked at that way by two men?

B*TCH! 

After expressing annoyance with Elena for disregarding their wishes and attending the ball, both Damon and Stefan offer themselves up as her escort . . . one sexy suited vamp per arm.  It just doesn’t get much better than that, folks . . .

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While our main love triangle is already enjoying the festivities, Caroline is still at home, trying in vain to find something to wear to the party that isn’t the dress Klaus purchased for her.  We know she owns at least other ballroom gown . . . the one she wore to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant.  But it’s NO Klaus Gown, and Caroline knows it.

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The box remains on her bed, taunting her . . . teasing her . . . “Wear me!”  It says, in Klaus’ accent.

Caroline sighs, having no choice but to obey  . . . blame it on the “sire dress” bond, or whatever . . .

Caroline seemingly arrives at the dance, about two seconds later.  I’d say this was an editing problem.  But vamps do have superhuman speed after all.  One look at Klaus’ face, as he sees Caroline enter the room, clad in his dress AND his bracelet, and we know, for certain that the Big Bad Original Vamp isn’t the one holding the cards in this relationship.   “Love is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Klaus has been quoted as saying.

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Well, Bad Boy . . . get ready to get weak!

“I need a drink,” are Caroline’s first words to Klaus, as she sidesteps him, and heads to the bar.  (a.k.a. the party version of I can’t go out with you, because “I’m washing my hair.”)

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But Klaus isn’t giving up so fast . . .

Finn pops by Elena to remind him that her invitation didn’t come with a “plus one,” and it certainly didn’t come with a “plus 2.” He reminds her that, if she wants to hang with the Original Witch, she’s going to have to go in there alone.  Well, of course she does!  The question is, will Damon let her . . .

Speaking of Damon, he finds Elena again, just as the Michaelsons request that their guests join them in a waltz.

Sly little doobie that he is, Damon manages to keep Elena from traipsing after the Original Mother by reminding her how orgasmic the pair can be on a dance floor.  “It would be rude not to dance,” whispers Damon in her ear, as he delicately grabs hold of her arm.

And suddenly, it’s the Miss Mystic Falls pageant all over again  . . .

“You look stunning, if it isn’t obvious,” says Damon, admiring his dance partner with a reverence and awe, bordering on religious.

When it comes to dancing, Damon and Elena possess a language that is all their own.  It is in the way that they look at, and touch one another  . . . and how they glide across a dance hall together, incredibly in sync, as if they are meant to be doing nothing else.

Stefan looks on with obvious jealousy.  Well, well, well, look who decided to wear his emotions this week?

Speaking of Stefan, I thought it was interesting that he “cut in” at the dance, by twirling Elena toward him, since that’s precisely what Damon did to him, back in “The Last Dance.” 

The parallel to that episode is quite fitting, when you think about how, back then, Damon accused Stefan of being too emotionally attached to Elena to make the hard decisions regarding Klaus’ death, and her safety.  “I’m the one that’s going to keep her alive,” he said memorably.

Now, it’s Damon, playing the role of the emotionally attached, and Stefan, in the role of cold-hearted protector.   It’s for this reason, at least partially, that Elena seeks a private audience with Stefan, whereas, at this time last year, she might have chosen Damon . . .

Her specific request is for Stefan to help Elena get in to Mama Original, without Damon following her, or trying to stop her.  “You care more about boning killing Klaus than anything,” am I wrong?  Elena inquires of her ex.

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Stefan hesitates for a few moments, but ultimately agrees.  At this point, both parties know that Stefan’s whole “I have no feelings” thing, is totally a charade, but they decide to go along with it, anyway.  Elena muses that Stefan’s tendency to allow Elena make whatever stupid decision she’s decided to make for the week, without argument, is something she loved about him, while they were dating, and still loves now.

It would seem that Elena, like a certain Vampire Katherine, before her, prefers her boyfriends to be pliant and obedient  . . . Go figure!

Meanwhile, Klaus and Caroline are doing their own little flirtatious waltz.  Though our first official introduction to this duo, was the whole “arm sucking / life saving” thing, this is the first time we’ve really had the opportunity to see these two interact on a sort-of even playing field.

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 It’s fun to see how disarmed Klaus is by Caroline.  He’s in total wooing mode, and not quite sure how to handle her wariness, or feistiness.  This is a woman he can’t control through fear.  And while he could theoretically compel her (assuming she’ not on vervain), that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, as what he’s doing now . . .

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Speaking of Caroline’s wariness, and feistiness,  this is really the first time we’ve seen a woman interact with Klaus who isn’t deathly afraid of him.  (Though some might argue, she probably should be . . . she most of all.)  Elena, Bonnie, Katherine, even Klaus’ own sister, to some extent, all treated the Original Hybrid with a certain degree of terror and disdain.  But Caroline’s almost stupidly brave around Klaus, having no qualms at all about sassing him, or insulting him.  And it’s that aspect of her personality that seems to intrigue him, all the more . . .

Like Tyler, Klaus begins by apologizing about Caroline’s dad’s death, but Caroline won’t hear it.  So, he instead smugly remarks on her choice of dress and jewelry, despite her protestations that she is “spoken for” by Klaus’ very own sire, Tyler.

But I think my favorite exchange between these two, was when Klaus noted that Caroline was a good dancer, and Caroline explained that she was Miss Mystic Falls.  “I know,” responded Klaus with a grin.

Apparently, not even Original Hybrids are above Googling the objects of their affection . . .

In which Elena pisses me off THREE TIMES in under twenty minutes . . .

Elena texts Damon to meet her in the study.  And when he arrives he’s attacked from behind, by his own brother, who BREAKS HIS NECK.  Elena looks sad about this, for all of one second, before dashing upstairs to meet the Original Mother.  – Time Elena Pissed Me Off  this Week # 1

En route to Mommy Dearest, Elena runs into Elijah, who’s seemed more than a bit smitten with her of late.  Memories of Tatiya, I guess.  (Man, is there anyone on this show, aside from Klaus, who isn’t head over heels for this girl.  It’s frustrating!)  Elijah admits to Elena that he’s not quite sure of his own mother’s motives for bringing the family together.  And it’s causing him to ask questions, he never thought he would ask.  “Can I depend on you to tell me what she says?”  Elijah asks.

Elena agrees.  Poor Elijah.  You might be honorable.  But the girl to whom you are speaking just convinced her ex boyfriend to break his brother / her sort-of lovers’ neck.  Now to me, that does very little to render her statements to you, at all trustworthy . . .

When Elena arrives in the Original Hybrid’s bedroom, Finn is there.  And there’s just something weirdly incestuous about the relationship between these two, as well!  It’s a little gross.  I’m not going to lie.  Apparently, this is the part of the episode where the Original Mother answers our questions about how the f*&k she came to be here, in the first place.

According to Mama Original, when Klaus killed her, Ayanna her witchy friend, preserved her body, so that she could leave it, and traverse the spirit world for over 1,000 years, without her corporeal form rotting away.  (That’s how she got in touch with Ghost Vampire Vicki in Ghost World.  It’s also how she still has witchy powers, even though, we’ve been told that vampires can’t be witches, and vice versa.)  Apparently, Ayanna was a Bennett, and that’s why the Bennett Mother /Daughter duo were the only ones capable of opening her coffin.

Oh, and did I mention that she wants to KILL ALL HER KIDS!!!!

Yeah, apparently, she’s decided they are an abomination, or something . . .  Right, because a 1,000 year old woman, who’s body has been preserved for 1,000 years, and is trying to murder all her children isn’t an abomination at all . . .

She also apparently threw this whole entire ridiculous ball, just to get her kiddies to drink some cursed champagne.  Now, that’s just silly, Mama Original!  Your children are perpetual twenty-somethings.  You don’t need a big fat ball to get them to drink liquor!  They probably do it on their own, every day.

Mama Original explains that she needs the Doppelganger’s blood in the champagne toast, in order to bind the Original Siblings together.  (“One drink ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.” It’s Lord of the Rings all over again!) Elena gladly offers her blood, without knowing exactly why she’s giving it.  The Original Mother conveniently explains it to her, afterword.  “Kill one Original, kill them all.”

Yeah, this woman sucks ass, in a big way . . . worse than her husband, even.  Why are the parents on this show so universally despicable?  What message does that give our youth?  Just sayin’.

Back in the library, Damon awakens to Stefan standing over him, with a smug smile on his face.  Let the brotherly ass kicking begin!  Name calling is involved.  I seem to recall both brothers referring to one another a “controlling dick,” which makes me think dirty thoughts.  Stefan accuses Damon of “caring too much,” an accusation that erstwhile villain Damon finds both ironic and offensive, and so do I.

Damon then storms off, in search of his errant lady love . . .

Much like Katherine, before her, it seems that screwing up the Salvatore brother’s relationship  is one of Elena’s greatest talents.

DON’T DRINK AND DIE!

Elena is standing next to Elijah at the time that the Original Hybrid makes her dreaded champagne toast.  Before it happens, Elijah asks Elena what his mother said to her, and she lies through her teeth, claiming that all Esther wanted to do was apologize to her for the whole “lock you in a burning car” thing.  Elijah believes Elena, seemingly, without question.   And his unfailing faith in her lying ass, makes me incredibly sad.

But I’m about to get angry. . .

For a few hopeful seconds, it looks as though Elena might prevent Elijah from drinking down his cup of death.  It would be so easy to do.  All she’d have to do is trade glasses with him .  . . or accidentally/on purpose knock the cup from his hand . . . or say, “Don’t drink that,  I think Klaus peed in it.”

But NOOOOO!  She just lets Elijah drink his own death warrant.

What a heinous b*tch! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 2

A horse is a horse, of course, of course . . .

After the Death Toast, Klaus finds Caroline admiring a horse.  She’s a fan of the animals, because they are cute.  He likes them because they are loyal.  Klaus then tell a nice little story about how his father killed his horse / only friend as a warning.

Oh Klaus, you really know how to sweet talk a girl.  There’s nothing like severed horse heads to get a female in the mood . . .

In true Elena fashion, Caroline lectures Klaus on the importance of ironing out differences with your daddy, no matter how many of your horses he has slaughtered.  This way, when he dies, you will have no regrets.  .  . well, aside from regretting that he’s dead, of course.  And, in Klaus’ case, regretting that YOU killed him.  (But, hey, no family relationship is perfect, right?)

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Caroline then gets all sassy again, by telling Klaus that she likes horses AND people.  But that people also like her too, probably because she doesn’t try to use them in sacrifice rituals . . .

Later Klaus takes Caroline to his personal art collection, and offers to take her around the world . . . anywhere she wants to go.

Caroline seems entirely tempted, in spite of herself.  Evil as he might be, Klaus has really been on his best, and most charming behavior, when it comes to Caroline . . . well, except for the whole “trying to get Tyler to kill her” thing . . .  (I’m honestly not sure why Caroline hasn’t made that connection yet.)

Did I mention that Klaus is an artist, himself?  And that he tends to draw pictures of the women he “fancies” . . . women like Caroline?  Who knew!

But things go south a bit, when Caroline remarks annoyedly of her future boyfriend’s tendency to snap his fingers to get what he wants, and turn them into hybrids when he needs new “friends.”  She then pointedly asks Klaus to break the sire bond, between him and Tyler.

After all of Caroline’s remarks, it’s this one that seems to piss Klaus off the most.  “I think it’s time for you to leave,” he says petulantly, like a little kid who’s childhood playmate has started calling him names.

But Caroline isn’t done with Klaus, quite yet.  “You don’t connect with people, because you don’t try to understand them,” Caroline yells, tossing the super expenive bracelet to the floor, before stomping off.

The assessment seems to affect Klaus deeply, and cause a lot of brooding, on his part.

But Klaus recovers quickly enough to leave Caroline yet another secret gift.  This time it’s a handdrawn picture of her next to a horse.  Out of context, this seems like an odd, and potentially offensive gift.  But given Caroline’s and Klaus’ pony bonding moment, it’s actually a really sweet gesture.

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Oh, and there’s also a note . . .”Thank you for your honesty,” it says.

WOW, Klaus must REALLY like being insulted. 😉  At least, now we know how to get into his pants!

Toward the end of the episode, Caroline calls Tyler and begs him to return home.  Now, we KNOW she’s falling for Klaus.  If she wasn’t, I suspect she wouldn’t be quite so insistent on her boyfriend’s presence as a buffer between them.

Choices . . . choices. 

Speaking of buffers . . .

“I’m mad at you, because I’m in love with you.”

When Elena runs into Damon, after getting Stefan to break his neck, she has some serious explaining to do.  They are in eachother’s faces again.  His hand is on her arm.  Their eyes and mouths are inches apart from one another.

In the heat of passion, Damon tells Elena he loves her, for the third time, in their relationship.  (Though, in her defense, she still doesn’t remember the first time.)

“Well, maybe that’s the problem,” Elena says coldly.

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OK . . . WHAT . . . THE . . . F*&K!  SERIOUSLY, ELENA! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 3  through 1,022!

First of all?  Coldest, most callous response to an “I love you,” EVER!  Second of all, since when does Little Miss Touchy Feely Elena accuse someone of being TOO EMOTIONAL and caring.  Hasn’t she just spent the past three seasons TRYING to get Damon to “be the better man” and feel?

Ugh!  Who peed in Elena’s cheerios this morning, and made her such a heinous b*tch?  We’re totally in a fight right now, her and I . . .

“I care too much . . . I’m a liability . . . How ironic is that?”  Damon scoffs.

How ironic, indeed!

Matt’s Knight and Shining Damon

Elsewhere in the party, Kol and Rebekah decide to kill Matt for sh*ts and giggles.  They figure it will piss off their mother, and hurt Elena at the same time.  But then Matt chivalrously offers Rebekah his coat, and all bets are off.

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(Wow, girlfriend must REALLY have never had a guy be nice to her to be so incredibly easy to win over.  A cheap ratty coat . . . for a vampire?  Seriously!)

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Kol, however, is super jealous of Matt, because his sister might actually want to bone him not quite as needy for affection as his sister.  So, he accosts Matt on the balcony later that night, and proceeds to break his arm . . . literally.

But worry not, Matt fans!  It’s Damon to the rescue!

He throws Kol OFF THE BALCONY, jumps after him, and starts pummeling the pretty boy’s face, like it’s his job.  But, of course, when the rest of the party guests emerge from the house to investigate the commotion, Damon, being Damon, just stomps away, instead of explaining why he did what he did . . .

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Quite the bad ass martyr, that Damon . . .

Through the back door .  . .

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Back at the mansion, Elijah lets his mother know he has done damage control, on the whole vampire fighting thing.  “I wish the others were more like you, Elijah,” coos Mother Dearest.  (Yeah, Mommy.  If you have your way, they will all be like Elijah . . . DEAD.)

Inside mommy’s chambers is her boyfriend / husband, Finn, to whom Mama Original complains that Elijah is too “moral.”  “Morality is a vampire’s greatest weakness, apparently.”  (Good ole TVD, always teaching us the tough life lessons.)

Apparently, Finn is in on his mom’s whole “kill her kids” plan.  “I’m ready to die,” says Finn, who must agree with his mother, about the whole “vampires are abominations” thing.

Great . . . just what our pop culture lexicon needs, another self-loathing vampire . . .

It’s frustrating really, because, if I was a vampire, I would love the sh*t out of myself.  No joke.  Vampires are awesome . . .  particularly, the non-suicidal ones.

To complete spell, we see Finn cut his hand, and drip his blood on a piece of paper, which maps out a bloody family tree across him and his siblings’ names, etch-a-sketch style.  I guess this is like the paper version of Bonnie’s nosebleeds . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan walks Elena home, while she informs him of the Wicked Original Witch’s nefarious kid-killing plans.  The former reminds Elena that she has nothing to feel guilty about, in terms of killing Elijah, because Klaus has brought nothing but darkness into her life.  (Ummm . . . maybe . . . but Klaus isn’t Elijah.)

The pair also both admit to one another that they were mean to Damon, and that this might explain why he went after Kol the way he did.  If only they knew . . .

As Stefan is leaving, Elena calls him back to the site of the epic Delena kiss. (That is sacred ground, Elena.  Don’t you dare kiss him, or I will hack off your lips, and send them to you via Fed Ex.)  She wants to know how Stefan can “not feel,” and wishes that she could do the same thing.  Well, Elena, for what it’s worth, I thought you were pretty unfeeling to Damon!   So, that’s progress in the “becoming heartless” department!  Stefan then pretty much admits to Elena, that the reason he’s seemingly turned off his humanity, and has been pretending not to care about Elena, is not to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain of reliving what he did last summer . . . and, of course, reliving his BITING of Elena.  (No word on reliving that time, when he tried to drive her off a cliff.)

Elena seems heartened by this, somewhat .  . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a gloomy Matt ignores Rebekah’s apologies and romantic advances, because her brother BROKE HIS ARM, and he doesn’t have health insurance.  (Apparently, the only health coverage Only Bar gives it’s employees is a lifetime supply of vervain.)

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 “I should have killed him,” pouts Rebekah.

Be afraid, Matt.  Be very afraid.

Enter Drunk Damon, who’s chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle that he’s conveniently brought to the bar from home.  “Rejected by the high school football captain,” he says sliding into the seat next to her.  “Welcome to adolescence.”

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After tossing back a shot or two, Damon reminds Rebekah that she would have crushed Matt in bed anyway, and that she should find someone more . . . ahem . . . durable.

Next thing you know, Damon and Rebekah are back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, throwing one another against walls, ripping eachothers clothes off, and . . . butt humping?

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Oh, CW!  You naughty, naughty channel . . .

This isn’t the first time, Damon has dealt with mistreatment by Elena, through sex with others.  We’ve seen it happen with Caroline, Katherine, Rose, and Andie, before Rebekah.

The difference, of course, is that Elena REALLY deserves this one.  And I can’t wait until she finds out that her erstwhile vampire lover has been schtupping the woman who wants her dead.  Revenge is definitely sweet, but it also might give you a VD . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena gets more of her just desserts, when Elijah finds out about her little fib, and responds by kidnapping and holding her hostage.  Yep, the honeymoon period is definitely over between these two.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Family that Stakes Together . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bringing Out the Dead”

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Greetings, Fangbangers, and welcome back!  This week’s TVD installment may have been a bit low on romance, and grist for the respective Shipper Mills . . .

 . . . but, boy, did it make up for that with unparalleled Original Family Hijinks (which, of course, is the new Doppelganger Hijinks)!

Julie Plec and Co., I beg of you . .  . please give this family it’s own spinoff show . . . and while you are at it, you might want to make it a comedy.  Because these guys are friggin hilarious!

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See what I mean?

So, slip into your favorite dinner wear, and, for heaven’s sake, hide your stakes!  Because you have just been invited to the sexiest, wackiest, most jaw-dropping dinner party on this show, since . . . well . . . the last time they had a dinner party, on this show . . .

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(As always, special thanks to my spectacular screencapper Andre, who is most definitely filled with awesomesauce! ;))

Cheap and Easy Ways to Renovate Your Home – starring Elijah 

“This would make a marvelous tree ornament.”

Our bloody tale picks up, literally, right where it left off, prior to last week’s hiatus.  Damon has returned the Original Family Coffins (except for one!) to Klaus.  However, unbeknownst to the Original Hybrid at the time, one of those coffins contained a de-staked Elijah . . .

Now Klaus finds himself face-to-face with his undead brother, who is literally wearing his heart on his sleeve . . . well, someone else’s heart, actually.  To say that Elijah got up on the wrong side of the coffin, after sleeping away half the season, is an understatement, to say the least . . .

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Klaus is clearly surprised to see his brother, alive,  kicking, and KICKING HIS ASS for that whole “murder and storage” thing.  Now, as we all know, apologies have never exactly been Klaus’ strong suit.  And while a simple, “I’m sorry I murdered you, and carted your rotting body around in a coffin for over 12 episodes,” would certainly have been in order . . . Klaus, instead, offers his very irate brother a cheeky, “Hey, at least I reunited you with your family, like you asked!”

But as jovial as Klaus might be, he has very limited patience for people who (1) don’t laugh at his jokes; (2) question his commitment to “family;” and (3) prefer other’s company to his own.  When people disappoint Klaus in this way, he does what any rational human being would do in such a situation: DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH THEIR HEART . . .

However, since Damon currently has the stake that originally came out of Elijah, Klaus is forced to “recycle” the one currently enmeshed in his brother Kol.  

Tell the mortician to ease up on the face makeup next time.  I look like a vampire.  Oh . .. er . . . nevermind.”

Elijah then gently reminds his sibling that, since Kol  has been dead at Klaus’ hand for over 100 years, there’s a good chance his wrath against the Original Hybrid will be even worse than Elijah’s.  Klaus ultimately re-daggers Kol, and opts for a change in tactics . . .

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You know what they say, “If at first you don’t succeed . . . try begging.”

Ultimately, Elijah decides to hear his brother out.  It can’t hurt, right?  After all, he does still want to be reunited with his family.  And if Klaus tries to betray him again, Elijah can always go back to redecorating the mansion, by tossing his brother’s body into various parts of it . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Gilbert house . . .

Alcoholism:  Because expressing your true feelings is hard.  But it doesn’t have to be . . .

Alaric and his erstwhile foster kid, Elena, have very different ideas of what constitutes clean living.  For Elena, clean living means waking up early for a morning jog, and having a bowl of fruit for breakfast.  For Alaric, clean living means taking a shower, after you’ve polished off nearly an entire bottle of scotch.  

This is likely one of the reasons that he and Damon get along so very well . . .

Damon’s a big fan of drinking and nakedness personal hygiene, as well!

In addition to clearly being a “morning person,” Elena get some props for keeping her judgy side at bay, even after Alaric admits to (1) being massively hungover; and (2) having drunk dialed his new Doomed-to-Die-a-Very-Painful-Death girlfriend, Crazy Nanny Carrie, the night before .  . .

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Well .  . . mostly at bay.

This super cute exchange is interrupted by a knock on the door.  It’s Lizard Forbes, a woman who’s idea of clean living is putting a bloody murder weapon in a plastic baggy, before returning it to its rightful owner.  

“In addition to murder weapons, I also sell bibles!”

That’s right, Fangbangers!  Remember that adorably dead medical examiner from a couple week’s back?

“Hi!”

Well, apparently, he was killed by a stake from Alaric’s collection . . . one that conveniently contained only Elena’s prints on it.  (Or Vampire Katherine’s . . . isn’t it conceivable that the two Petrova Doppelgangers would have identical fingerprints?  Just a theory.)  Of course, Lizard doesn’t suspect Alaric or Elena, which makes her a very understanding person, but also a Really Sh*tty Cop.

 OK . . . I take back the “understanding” part . . .

If this was Law and Order, both Alaric and Elena would be dragged down to the station for questioning faster than you could say, “Is that a stake in your chest, or are you just really happy to see me?”

Elena the Vampire Founder’s Council Slayer?

In which it was finally revealed that Damon Salvatore is actually Gossip Girl . . .

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Those of you who read my Gossip Girl recaps, know that I am still not entirely convinced that Georgina Sparks is actually Gossip Girl.  To be honest, she simply doesn’t seem adept enough at snarky wordplay to pull it off.  Damon Salvatore, on the other hand, is a spectacular wordsmith!

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Take for example,  his super quippy initial response to Elena’s phone call regarding the incriminating murder weapon in question . . .

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(By the way, Elena really shouldn’t put Damon on speaker phone.  It vastly increases the chance that Alaric will learn the truth about the couple’s budding phone sex relationship.)

“I love it when you talk dirty.”

Elena doesn’t think the Mystic Falls Murderer is Alaric’s girlfriend . . . but only because she’s been too busy running away from Klaus,  and making out with Damon to watch One Tree Hill or Pretty Little Liars.

Brush up on your pop culture, girlfriend.  It might just save your life . . .

Elena actually thinks the murderer might be Stefan, despite the fact that her ex  has absolutely no rational motive for staking a perfectly good meal, which the medical examiner clearly was despite the formaldehyde smell, of course, and leaving it completely uneaten.

Oh, Mr. Former Bunny Muncher . . . how the mighty hath fallen . .  .

Speaking of Mighty, Damon cuts his flirty phone conversation with Elena and Alaric short, to meet with one of the most powerful vampires in the world.  Of course, I’m referring to the newly awakened Elijah.  Honestly, if I were Elena, I’d be a bit concerned, because the sexual  tension between these two men is fierce!  I mean, Damon is already leaving flirty Gossip Girl style messages in Elijah’s underwear clothing, signed with hugs and kisses. . .

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“I’m here.  Let’s talk,”  says Elijah gruffly, as he moves in mere inches from Damon Salvatore’s chiseled face, and dreamy crystalline blue eyes.  “Talk” . . . is that what the kids are calling it, nowadays? 😉

DAMON: “Just so you know, I am a VERY good ‘talker.’  In fact, just last night, Elena was complimenting me VERY LOUDLY about what a good ‘talker,’ I am.”

Speaking of “talking,” Elena kindly confronts Stefan, with her theory that he’s