Tag Archives: ethan and aiden

Road to Perdition – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Frayed”

help me

“Sweet English Teacher, I have decided to show my love to you by finger painting on your car.”

omg

“Life is a journey, not a destination,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

school bus

Who knew Emerson was a fan of Teen Wolf?

the wheels on the bus

“The wheels on the bus go round and round.  Round and round.  Round and round.  The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town!  Come on, Scott, sing it with me!  The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish . . .”

In “Frayed,” the Scooby Gang had two destinations they needed to reach, before the end of the hour.  There was the literal destination of the Lacrosse Cross Country(?) meet, and the more abstract destination of “Derek’s Death,” an event with which the writers mercilessly teased us throughout the episode.

dancing derek and ennis

“Recapper say WHAT?”

If the success of “Frayed” merely depended on the characters reaching their respective destinations, it would been a HUGE failure.

failing awkward jawline thewinchestrs - Copy

After all, the Scooby Gang never actually made it to the Lacrosse Cross Country(?) Meet.  And, as most of us suspected early on in the episode, Derek didn’t actually die . . . at least not literally.

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

But “Frayed” wasn’t really about these destinations at all!  Rather, it was about the journeys each of the characters took in reaching them.  It was about Allison and Derek being forced to choose between “family” and pack . . . Derek’s fall from grace, in the eyes of both his enemies and his allies . . . Scott’s begrudging embrace of his “Destiny” . . . Stiles’ impressive, and much coveted, ability to make his teammates vomit on cue . . .

mischeivous stiles

So, pop a couple Dramamine, and keep your eye on the horizon.  Because we are in for a bumpy recap ride . . .

drive away - Copy

As always, special thanks to my super talented, kickass screencapper Andre.  He’s the kind of stand-up guy you could definitely trust to stitch up your psychologically-induced mortal stomach wounds with a knitting needle in a public restroom .  . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

[WARNING: The non-linear structure of this episode made for a really unique and exciting viewing experience.

Unfortunately, it also made it a b*tch to recap.

verbal keyboard smash

I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should review the various scenes from the episode in the order in which they appeared on screen, or stick to a more “chronological” form of recap.  Ultimately, I opted for the latter.  Hopefully, it all ends up making some sort of sense . . .]

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

PART I- THE DEATH(?)  OF DEREK HALE

Getting Handsy

One of the benefits of recapping this episode chronologically, is that I get to start my recap with a sex scene.  And you all know how much I love my sex scenes . . .

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sex me now

Apparently, so does Lydia . . . which is fitting, because she’s the only one on this show, who seems to be getting any action, these days.

awesome lyd pic

lydia smirk

Well  . . . that’s not true.  I assume Danny is getting some action.  He has seemed a bit . .  .um .  . . happier lately.  You know what they say . . . once you go Alpha . . .

ep 10 shirtless danny

another shot of danny

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ill do it

Lydia is in some  abandoned classroom getting fondled by Aiden.  But while the dude may be an Alpha in a brawl or on the cross country field, he’s clearly a Beta, when it comes to boning.

doing

put someplace useful

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humpty

I mean, honestly, you would think a guy who spent his entire childhood fisting his brother would be able to come up with more inventive ways to use his hands than boring butt squeezes.  Isn’t he supposed to be like a Top, or something?

3 14 up the butt kmcgeezy

Then again, perhaps I have this whole Fused Being concept all wrong.  Maybe the fusing happens up the center of the body, instead of across its middle.  This would mean that Aiden and Ethan actually only have experience using one hand a piece (not to mention the fact that they each only possess half a brain).

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Of course, it’s possible that Aiden was just trying to be a gentleman, by not getting too handsy with his new girlfriend .  . .

nodding oh yeah

Nahhhhh .  . .

As for Lydia, I may be a traitor to my sex, by saying this, but I kind of like that she’s become a bit more . . . ummmm . . . loose.

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At first, when Lydia started sleeping around this season, I worried that the writers would subtly chastise the character for it, by inferring that this is her “unhealthy” way of coping with Jackson’s departure.

distraction - Copy

But, actually, that doesn’t seem to be the case at all!  Lydia’s sexuality doesn’t come from a needy place.  She’s empowered by it!  As far as I’m concerned, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an intelligent, strong-willed woman, who loves sex, for sex’s sake . . . a woman who understands instinctively that sometimes a non-sexual relationship (like the one she has developed with Stiles . . . so far) can be even more personal and meaningful than a sexual one.

lydia brave tatikatelena

If she was a guy, we’d call her a stud.

stydia big 2

Speaking of studs and empowered females  . . .

Getting Handy 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Did you know Allison and her dad ditched the home they had just moved into less than a year ago, in favor of a swanky apartment, this season?

trademark scott face

Me neither . . .

I love when Teen Wolf surprises us with little changes like this . . . like when the entire Lacrosse Team magically morphed into a Cross Country Team, without anyone noticing .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Anywhoo, Scott pays Allison a visit at her new apartment to slap her on the wrist for using Derek and Co’s Brilliant Beta Trapping Scheme last week, as an excuse to live out her lifelong dream of becoming Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games.

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Allison blithely shrugs off the scolding, Scott having lost his Disciplinarian Daddy Privileges the day the two “former” lovers agreed to admire one another from afar for a few episodes“see other people.”

sassy allison

“Bark your commands to Isaac, Scott. This little lady is not your b*tch anymore.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Scott tries another tactic.  He dusts of that old high school flirting trick, where guys manipulate girls into wrestling with them by bragging about how much stronger than them they are . .  .

foreplay

remember sex

good sexx

Word to the wise guys, us ladies are well aware of this trick.  And any girl who seems to be falling or it, is only doing so because she wants to manhandle you just as much as you want to manhandle her.

more battle

As for Allison  . .  . she REALLY wants to manhandle Scott . . .

look sexy 2342342

Mere seconds later, Allison and Scott are going at it like . . . well .  . . a couple of wolves.  And for all my jab at Scott’s milquetoasty take on heroism, it must be said . . . this guy is much more inventive with his hands than Alpha Aiden.

wolf sex

So, you know how, back when we were kids, our mom’s would always say to their kids, “It’s all fun and games, until someone pokes an eye out?”

eye patch

Well, foreplay with a teen wolf is all fun and games until you accidentally sprain your wrist, during a failed attempt at doggystyle.

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Oops . . . it looks like someone doesn’t know his own strength.  Talk about killing the mood.

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*licking wounds*

scott wolf

blue balls

Speaking of mood killers . .  .

There goes the neighborhood . . .

Have you ever run into someone on the elevator, who you REALLY didn’t want to talk to?

awkward peg

awkward post sex

Of all the high rises in Beacon Hills, apparently Deucalion the Demon Wolf, and his Alpha Pack decided to move in right above the Argents.  What are the odds, right?

deucalion in elevator

elevator encounter

“Dammit!  I knew I should have taken the stairs.”

Perhaps, this building has the most lenient policy on pets?  (It sure beats living in an abandoned bank.)

You know what bugs me about Deucalion?  He talks too damn much.

demon wolf

destroyer of worlds

2 16 damon says stop talking

All these ponderous speeches to Scott, Derek, and anyone else who will listen about “living up to one’s true potential,” and this guy is starting to sound like a motivational speaker gone postal . . . No wonder it only takes a few minutes in the elevator with This Guy for Scott to decide he wants to kick his ass . . .

bad scott

Kick his ass . . . but not kill him . . . yet.

Scott rushes off to Derek’s digs to tell him about Deucalion’s new homestead, only to learn that this news is SOOOOOO yesterday!

studying

“Bored now . . .”

He finds the Hales .  . . and Boy . . . pouring over the floor plans to Allison’s apartment complex.  (These guys seem to just magically have floorplans to building in Beacon Hills.)  It seems Derek has decided to put down the Deuce and his pesky minions the following night!

going to die

Killjoy Scott thinks this is a bad idea.  But no one with the last name Hale gives a sh*t what Scott thinks, not even Sassy Peter . . . who has the coolest Alpha form of the whole bunch, but still never fights with the pack, for reasons that haven’t yet been explained . . .

ep 7 alpha gym

“I’d love to help you kill your enemies today.  But, unfortunately, I’m already scheduled for a mani-pedi.”

That reminds me, we still have yet to see Deucalion’s Alpha form . . . possibly because it looks something like this . . .

BARNEY

I’d be embarrassed too!

Back at La Casa de Argents, Allison wants her dad to help her stick some phallic objects in some Alpha wolves, for old times sake.  But Papa Argent echoes Scott’s sentiments of non-violence, even if it leads to the entire cast of the show being murdered by a blind guy who talks WAY too much . . .

talking with daddy

Now, that’s just cold . . .

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting . . .

The following night . . . at least . . . I think it was the following night.  Scott makes some awkward comments to Isaac about going out for “Mexican,” and it totally seems like  Euphemism for sex . . .

whovian182

“I would very much like to put my chimichanga in your burrito.”

Especially, when the scene directly following this conversation features the two bromantic buddies snuggling up to one another on Scott’s motorcycle . . .  (Sounds like another happy couple we know . . .)

klefan

Fun fact . . . Scott is officially the third person to whom Isaac has snuggled close on a motor bike.  In other words, Isaac is a TOTAL motor bike whore!

isaac

Arriving at some weird warehousey place (with two randomly placed escalators to nowhere?) that may or may not be part of the Argents’ apartment complex, Scott warns Isaac that he is just there to “talk” to Deucalion . . . not fight him . . . or kill him . . .

eye roll jackson

“‘Just talk’ to the self-proclaimed Destroyer of Worlds.  That sounds like a great idea!” Said nobody ever.

the deuce

“Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah blah blah blah blah . . . DEMON WOOLLLLLLF!”

Plus, the last thing we need is to listen to Deucalion talk more  . . .

Fortunately, it’s a trap/ ambush!  Derek’s pack pops up, seemingly out of nowhere.  And the Alpha Pack follows shortly thereafter!

i want you

i want you too

Let’s get this party started!

kung fu fighting - Copy

Cue the pop music and wolf outs all around.  It’s pretty much your garden variety gang fight amongst hairy teens . . . But then this happens . . .

alpha closeup

BabyScared

That’s right, boys and girls, drop kicking Ennis gave Scott a temporary case of the Red Eyes . . . the Alpha Red Eyes.  Don’t worry, Scott.  No need to embrace your destiny just yet.  A little Visine will clear that eye problem right up!

visine

The writers aren’t quite clear on what it was about this specific moment of fighting that made Scott “go Alpha.”  I mean, sure, the drop kick was a cool move, I guess.  But last I checked to become an Alpha you actually had to . . . you know . . . kill someone.

ep 8 kill someone popopop

The only thing Scott seems to have killed is Ennis’ self esteem . . .

Also, since when did Alpha-ism become the kind of condition that flares up, only on occasion, like hemorrhoids or herpes?

butt wiggle

Speaking of Alpha “flare-ups,” Derek’s probably wishing his Alpha would go away, when the Alpha pack commandeers Boyd and his sister, thereby forcing him to face the Ultimate Existential Werewolf Question: Family . . .

dying cora

cora

. . . or Pack . . .

pack

torn

this is me thinking

Saved by the Bell!  Or should I say, the Katniss Everdeen Allison.

shooting everyone

my eyes

“I’m MELTINNNNNNG!”

Annnnd we’re back to fighting!

twirl

Scott comes in for the assist.

the assist

“Haha!  Got your toesies, tickle, tickle, tickle!”

Hey, look!  They are flying . . .

dancing derek and ennis

Derek, this isn’t really the best time to take a nap.  Wake up and finish him!

dead men

Derek?  Wait . . . is he . . . DEAAAAADDDDDDDD?

i see dead people

cry 1

PART II – ROAD RAGE

Don’t you just hate it when you are on a long bus ride in traffic, and you get hit with a massive bout of motion sickness?

scared jared

How about when you are on a long bus ride in traffic, and you are suffering from a MASSIVE STOMACH WOUND?

constipation

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Isaac’s burrito last night.”

In the aftermath of Derek’s “death,” everyone seems a bit on edge.

growly boyd

Boyd and Isaac want to beat the sh*t out of Ethan .  . .

Ethan keeps nervously checking his cell phone .  . .

peeking - Copy

“Are we at the stage of our relationship yet, where I’m obligated to ask you about your feelings?  Or can we just continue screwing in silence.”

Danny is secretly wondering why Ethan seems so distracted . . .

Stiles is secretly wondering whether Danny knows why Ethan seems so distracted . . .

peeky stiles

“I wonder if Ethan thinks I’m attractive.”

This guy is about to puke . . .

jared the puker - Copy

“I knew I shouldn’t have eaten Isaac’s burrito with Scott last night?”

And Scott’s like DYING and stuff . . .

Did I mention that Allison and Lydia are following behind the bus to stalk Dying Scott?

stalking

Car Stalking is the new Cyber Stalking  .  . .

In what is probably my favorite sequence in the entire episode, Stiles Twitter attacks Danny into finding out why his boyfriend keeps checking his phone.

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stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Boyfriend must be an OLYMPIC texter!  Because, Danny’s phone is going off literally every second, for about three minutes.  You know, kind of like This Guy . . .

texting

You would think a supposed “computer hacking whiz” like Danny, would be smart enough to silence his phone,  as soon as the first couple of texts came in . . .

number of fingers

Ultimately, Danny relents and asks his boy toy what’s up?  As it turns, out Ethan is worrying about his “friend,” who “might not make it through the night.”

sickco

2 2 zombies don't text katie-cassidy

Somehow, I don’t think he’s talking about Derek .  . .

It’s interesting how much loyalty these Alphas have toward one another, considering these people all literally MURDERED their entire original pack . . .  I don’t know about you, but that’s not the type of person I’d feel comfortable having on MY TEAM.

hide from elijah

Meanwhile, near the back of the bus, Scott’s Alpha-induced wound still isn’t healing.  And his health seems to be in rapid decline.  Stiles tries to ask the coach nicely to pull over the car.

blow whistle

ok gif

But when that fails, he opts for more desperate measures . . .

mischeivous stiles

Sorry Jared!  But hey!  Look on the bright side.  At least you aren’t motion sick anymore!

barf

OPERATION

Remember that popular children’s game, which taught five year olds that “surgery” simply means yanking small items out of a body with a pair of tweezers, and basically requires no training or experience whatsoever?

doctor-bot-operation

Med School, Schmed School!  I learned everything I ever need to know about the human body from a naked guy with a red nose, and “water on the knee.”

Well, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it inspired this scene in Teen Wolf, where Allison Argent — the girl who once needed a tutor in biology — dragged her dying ex boyfriend into a dingy public restroom, and “saved his life,” armed with nothing but a needle and a thread . . .

bloody scott

Step aside doctors from House and Grey’s Anatomy, because you just got served!

music greys

Once the gang finally manages to get off the School Bus (thanks to Puking Jared), they are able to focus on the REAL problem at hand: Scott’s Tummy Trouble.

sculder mully

It’s Lydia who determines that the reason Scott’s usual healing powers aren’t taking effect, is psychosomatic.

ephemeral

In English . . . that means that Scott’s guilt over the accidental hand he played in Derek’s possible demise is LITERALLY eating him up inside.

Pop quiz:  Scott has an injury that’s at least partly in his mind.  How should the gang solve this problem?

awww stilesy

Should they:

(a) ask around to see if there’s a Werewolf Shrink in the house;

(b) slap him around a bit, and tell him to “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

(c) call his mother, a registered nurse who knows he’s a werewolf, and tell her to get her ass to her local rest stop to save her son; or

(d) have Allison, a teen with NO medical training, sew up his not-really-genuinely injured stomach with a knitting needle.

stiles and the new pack

“We’re waiting.  . .”

If you chose any answer but (d), I’d call you a logical  being.  But this show isn’t called Logical Wolf.  It’s called Teen Wolf!

ah screw it

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So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, “Sewing Tummies for Dummies,” starring Allison Argent, and Scott McCall . . .

alive

 . . . and Special Guest Star . . . Dead Mama Argent!

scary mom

Step 1 – Sterilize the needle.

sterilize

Step 2 – DON’T LICK THE NEEDLE AFTER YOU STERILIZE IT, THEREBY INVALIDATING THE STERILIZATION . . .

licking

no no on

Don’t worry about that, Allison.  Maybe fake injuries only engender fake infections .  . .

Step 3 – Try to keep a steady hand . . .

thread the needle

Having the ghost of Allison’s mother, Ice Queen Mama Argent, talk Allison through dispassionately stitching up Scott’s wounds made for a powerful viewing experience, particularly for us viewers, who have experienced the loss of a parent.  Kudos to Crystal Reed for really pulling off the pathos and anguish of this scene.

what do do

Watching this scene, you could almost forget that Mama Argent was a sociopathic wackadoo who once tried to MURDER the very same person she’s helping Allison to stitch up . . .

teaching to sew

big bitch crazy

Almost . . .

After the surgery, we are treated to not a very convincing fake out, during which Scott “plays dead” for a horrified Allison for about three seconds, before “waking up.”

sleeping scott

peekaboo haa

GOTCHA!

But the real action is going on outside, where Isaac has started WHALING on Ethan.  Might as well, right?  I mean he already got blamed for beating up the kid.  At least this time, Isaac can experience the satisfaction of knowing that it was his fist causing the bleeding.

beat self up

beat up

happy isaac“And that douche got beat up twice, HAHA!”

Not that I condone violence, or anything . . .

2 11 drunk hanna

Scott, once again, pulls rank on Isaac, getting him to “stop the insanity.”

kill joy

Kill joy!

Personally, I could have gone for a few more minutes of ass kicking myself . . .

Back in the barf-fumigated bus . . .

jared you suck

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 .  . . a now stitched-up Scott is sitting with Allison, who has inexplicably ditched her car in the middle of nowhere, just so that she can in a smelly bus with her bloody ex boyfriend.  Scott thanks Allison for not listening to him, when he told her to stay out of his business, thereby saving his life.

allison bamf heir of slytherin

“You’re damn right,” says every girlfriend ever.

Further up on the bus, an increasingly chummy Mulder and Scully Stiles and Lydia do the heavy lifting of tying the two seemingly disparate storylines of the Big Bad Dark Oak Druid Killer and the Alpha pack together, by determining that Big Bad Dark Oak Druid Killer might be making all these kills in order to build strength for its inevitable battle against the Alpha pack.

murder thoug

In other words, it’s Alien versus Predator all over again.  Who’s side are YOU on?

Speaking of the Alpha Pack,  let’s check in on them again, shall we?

SQUISH!

Given the former’s tendency to turn into a gorilla-like thing and mind-control gingers, and the latter’s complete absence from the series for the entire first two seasons, it’s entirely understandable that Sassy Uncle Peter and Cora Hale are a bit leery of one another.  But with Derek dead(?) / missing, and possibly dead, and the entire rest of the cast trapped in Bus Hell, the two decided to combine forces and engage in a bit of super sleuthing.

smirky peter

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why the Hales immediately assumed that ONLY one of the two bodies that fell from the scaffolding, Ennis or Derek, could have possibly survived the fall . . . especially considering the fact that they are BOTH Alphas, and BOTH of their bodies had been removed from the scene.

dont understand

Desperate for answers, the pair decide to head for the Trusty Vet’s office for guidance.

Geez, who knew some glorified dog groomer’s office would end up becoming the most happening location on the show?  I mean, this place is basically the Teen Wolf equivalent of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

ep 11 vet man

LIFE OF THE PARTY!

Dr. Deaton (whose first name is Alan, by the way . . . I didn’t know that until this week) must be the richest vet in the WORLD!  I wonder if he charges by the hour . . .

cryptic vet

Unfortunately for Sassy Pete and Cora, SOMEONE has beat them to Deaton’s office.  (Should have made a reservation . . .)

dying ennis

I think it’s a bit odd that Deucalion and co. (AND Ms. Morell . . . who apparently is Deaton’s Sister from another Mister?) would choose Notorious Derek Pack Ally Deaton to repair their beloved Ennis’ boo boos.  But I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.  Of course, Deaton is able to repair Ennis to his strong and stupid silent type greatness, with nothing more than a few simple magical remedies.  (He didn’t even need Mama Argent and a knitting needle to do it.)

But then Deucalion comes and SQUASHES ENNIS’ HEAD LIKE IT’S A ROTTEN MELON .

squish

 

stiles grossed out

(In fact, I’m pretty sure they used an actual melon to pull off this stunt.)

melon head cat

The moment was simultaneously, gross, horrifying and awesome at the same time.  Though I suspect Ugly Toenail Chick would disagree with me.

sad kali 1

 

sad kali 2

 

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Hmmmm . . . I wonder if these two were boning.  That’s not the kind of mourning you do for a casual acquaintance, if you catch my drift . . .

sex girl boy

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter and Cora see this reaction and immediately assume that because Ennis just died Derek must already be dead . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Logic Fail.  I thought you were smarter than that, Sassy Uncle Peter . . .

Meanwhile back at the school . . .

PART III – IT’S ALIVE!

English Teacher is innocently heading to her car after school  . . . What’s the matter?  Don’t feel like spending another night in the boiler room? . . . when she encounters a friendly surprise  . . .

omg

Geez Derek, I know you’ve been out of the dating game a while.  But here’s some friendly advice.  It’s really not necessary to mutilate yourself to the point of near death just to get your lady love’s attention.

help me

Most of the time especially for people who look like you a clever text message will suffice.  Just sayin . . .  Anywhoo . .  . Derek’s alive.  Obviously.  SURPRISE!

die in blinkin8

And that was “Frayed” in a nutshell.  Next week on Teen Wolf, the ENTIRE CAST SLEEPS TOGETHER . . .

not an orgy - Copy

. . . in a motel . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com]  [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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It’s like . . . ephemeral – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Tattoo”

ephemeral

Source

ihopenotsporadically

“See you soon! I hope not sporadically.”

ihopenotsporadically2

Word-of-the-Day Calendars . . . Helping Dumb People pretend to be smart since 1995 . . .

Scott McCall has turned over a new leaf, this year. He no longer spends every waking moment thinking about his girlfriend, Allison. Instead, he spends every waking moment thinking about how Allison is no longer his girlfriend.

busted salison

He’s got a brand new ride . . .

yamaha-motorcycle-0061

Hey may or may not be able to FLY . . .

flying posey

He still wakes up early to do pull-ups on that random bar in his bedroom, every morning. But now, he does it one-handed . . . WHILE READING BOOKS . . . REAL ONES!

call of wild

It’s a new school year, Wolfbangers . . . and a new season . . . a time when everybody — characters, cast members, and staff writers — get to start fresh, with a clean slate and a positive can-do attitude. Together, they vow to be better than they were the year before. And some of those changes really do stick! The rest, unfortunately, are destined to be . . . wait for it . . . ephemeral.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

But that’s later. Let’s focus on now . . . when everything in Beacon Hills is just perfect . . .

nodding oh yeah

. . . well . . .unless you’re a deer . . . or a bird . . . or a cat . . . or that chick who tried to save Isaac’s life . . . or Isaac . . . or Boyd . . . or Erica.

omg cat

Scratch that. It’s a new school year, and everything already pretty much sucks in Beacon Hill for almost everybody . . . except for the people with the really hideous toenails. Those guys are living pretty large right now . . . On with the recap, anyway!

stiles with wolf hat

(Special thanks to my main man, Andre, for all the kickass screencaps. His generosity and talent is DEFINITELY not ephemeral . . .)

This could get ugly . . .

It’s odd to think that Isaac got the most intense action sequences of all the main characters, this week . . . especially when you consider that he spent about three quarters of the episode either completely unconscious or seriously doped up.

puppy love

Case in point . . . in the opening moments of the season, he’s nothing more than a seemingly lifeless, carved up body, being dragged along the streets. A mysterious leather-wearing teenage biker chick is doing the dragging . . . a biker chick, who just jump-started Isaac, by electrocuting his nipples. (Now, that’s not very nice!)

friday yet nipples

2 19 weird puffy pyramid nipples burytheworries

Girlfriend is uber petite. So, I’m thinking she’s probably some sort of supernatural something, to be able to so easily bear that load. She’s no wolf though . . . that’s for sure. Presumably, Not Wolf Girl hijacked Isaac from the folks who are currently chasing him . . . the ones that sliced his tummy into bacon strips . . .

2 3 bacon

. . . a process which somehow stole his memories. Memories, schmemories . . . I’m more worried about his ab muscles. Those grow back, right?

isaac wolf

Anywhoo, Not Wolf Girl tosses Isaac on the back of her motorcycle, like he’s a rag doll, and rides off into the night.

relaxing ride

Not a good time for a nap, Isaac . . .

But wait! Someone’s coming! It’s those twins who played Felicity Huffman’s kids on Desperate Housewives . . . except, now they are much buffer . . . possibly, because they stole Isaac’s ab muscles . . .

magic mike wannabe

more strippling

magic mike

The twins run much too fast to be human, which makes them instantly formidable. Unfortunately, they don’t seem too bright to me. I mean, if you are chasing someone, who is on the back of motorcycle, with the intent of re-kidnapping them, wouldn’t it make sense to . . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . ACTUALLY SLAP OR GRAB THEM OFF OF THE MOTORCYCLE?

surrounded by idiots

Instead, the brothers just keep slapping the motorcycle with their hands, and occasionally keying it with their nails. It’s fun to watch. But as far as strategies go, it’s pretty lame.

We arrive inside some warehouse, where we find out, once and for all, why the Scavo Carver kids seem so lame brained . . . it’s because they only have ONE brain, between the two of them! (Not even a Word-of-the-Day calendar can help you there.)

ephemeral haha

In what was decidedly the SECOND most disturbing scene in the entire episode (I’ll get to the first, in a bit), one twin shoves his hand into the other twins back. Somehow, doing this causes them to become this monstrous being, that, honestly, looks more ogre than wolf. (Sorry, Shrek!)

morph

hulk

offended shrek

smash 2

Neat trick. The jokes about this one pretty much write themselves . . . My pal Andre what happens to the boys’ poor pants, when they do this? (As we know, the brothers have already helpfully taken off their shirts, like the good little teen TV show stars they already are.) I mean, I guess they rip, along with the rest of the wardrobe. But which brother gets the luxury of keeping his own crotch?

blaine crotch grab

Another thing I wondered . . . how exactly does one learn that they are capable of doing something like this? Were the two kids just sitting around, playing on their play station, when, all of the sudden, one said to the other, “Hey, wouldn’t it be neat, if I shoved my hand into the back of your spinal column and merged, bodies’ with you? Let’s try it! If you die, I’ll know not to do it so hard next time . . .”

first stabbing

But back to the show . . . Not Wolf Girl takes out this massive stun gun thingy, and blasts the werewolf version of Megatron out of the present, and into the future . . . i.e. a later point in the episode.

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electrifying

All Tatted Up . . .

In quieter news, Scott is hoping to get himself a brand new tattoo on his arm . . . of an equals sign?

tatt done

3 15 wtf can i

(Stiles is right. He definitely should have gone with a kanima tatt! Now, that would have been awesome!)

kanima tatt

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Speaking of Stiles, he’s not too big on the whole needles thing . . . bludgeoned bloody, kanima and alpha ravaged bodies . . . NO PROBLEM . . . needle pricked Scott Arms though? EW . . . that sh*t’s gross . . .

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Poor Scott. He spent all that time in the operating chair, and it turns out, his tattoo is only . . . EPHEMERAL. (You knew I was going to do it, didn’t you.)

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His super wolfy skin heels right over the damn thing. It appears Scott is going to have to find another way to show he’s “over Allison” and “bad ass,” might I suggest purchasing a teen-life crisis motorcycle?

Now you see me . . .

Later that same night, Lydia and Allison are in a car headed for a double date with NOT Scott and Stiles. And because it is with NOT Scott and Stiles, it will most certainly not be an ORGY, as Lydia helpfully reminds us . . .

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Speaking of things Lydia helpfully reminds us . . . erm . . . Jackson’s GONE. He went to the TV series Arrow “live in London,” which is television series code for, “You left us in the lurch, you bastard . . . no proper Departure Plot explanation for you!

ep 10 jackson cries

Coincidentally, Scott and Stiles are also in a car, driving home from the tatt parlor . . . and that car happens to pull up right next to Allison’s and Lydia’s at a stop light. It looks like this “double date” may end up becoming an orgy after all . . .

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Or . . . maybe not . . .

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Lydia and Allison can’t avoid Scott and Stiles forever though . . . Rabid Bambi’s Mom makes sure of that, by ramming herself right into Lydia’s front windshield. It’s touching the sacrifices our animal friends make for our ships . . .

something coming

friday yet again

bambi

Scott feels up the dead deer, and cleverly notes that it was “terrified,” moments before dying. Now, I know that’s supposed to be one of his nifty wolf powers, being able to instantly discern animal moods, by fondling their boobies. But really, I could have told you the animal was frightened, the moment I saw it FLYING INTO GLASS TOWARD ITS INEVITABLE DEATH!

duh told you so

Meanwhile, over at the hospital . . .

It’s SCOTT, DAMMIT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! (Even though most of you thought it was Derek or Stiles.)

The writers are mad at you, Wolfbangers! For two seasons, they have tried to beat it into your brain that SCOTT IS THE HERO OF THIS SHOW . . . SCOTT IS THE HOT ONE . . . the one you are supposed to love. And yet here you (and I) am, week after week, gabbing on about “Derek this,” and “Stiles that,” and “Sterek the other thing.”

derek dream 1

stiles-15

sterek next to eachother

And we are all “Scott who?”

trust scott

So, Teen Wolf is going to prove this character’s worth to you once and for all! Laid up in a hospital bed Not Wolf Girl is calling for an Alpha’s help. Scott’s night nurse mom, helpfully offers to snatch up Derek . . . because, honestly, what self-respecting cougar wouldn’t want to hit that?

mamas proud enter cece drake

But Not Wolf Girl shakes her head, looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCHES! I’M TALKING ABOUT SCOTT! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW!”

scott important

Later Mama McCall is tending to Isaac’s bacon stripped abs, which are starting to look like garden variety abs, thanks to Isaac’s presto chango bad boo boo erasing wolf powers. (SEE! THE ABS DO GROW BACK! THANK GOODNESS!) Mama McCall is wondering how she is going to explain to her fellows Grey’s Anatomy buddies, how the guy, who, just seconds ago, had a bloody, mashed potato tummy is suddenly in perfect health.

important

Isaac has the answer. He looks directly at the camera and says, “NO, YOU BITCH. GET SCOTT TO HELP! SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THE SHOW!”

Well, they sure schooled us . . . Speaking of school . . .

Objects in your classroom window are closer than they appear . . .

Was I the only one that thought Lydia’s bedroom boy toy was nothing more than a figment of her imagination . . . kind of like the dead guy she spent half of last season flirting and locking lips with?

sex again

good sexx

lydia smirk

Because if he IS real, then why isn’t he going to school with Lydia? And, more importantly, where the hell are Lydia’s parents?

lydia brave tatikatelena

My mom was pretty low key, when I was in high school . . . but not SO low key that she’d let me spend the morning before my first day of junior year shacking up wanna-be Justin Bieber . . .

bieber fever

Speaking of The Biebs, at school, Lydia notes that she doesn’t want a boyfriend, but is very interested in sex with young boys . . .

fresh men

In context, it’s an acceptable comment, because “Lydia” is only 16. So, it makes perfect sense for her to have interest in 14-year old boys.

fresh boys

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But coming from an actress who is 26 . . . I have to admit it comes off sounding a little creepy . . .

In addition to all the incoming freshman, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Hot Abs are also matriculating at Beacon Hills high this year. They walk the halls in slo mo to pop music, of course . . . because, why not?

slo mo

In English class, the new teacher show’s everybody how “cool and hip,” she is, by sending the entire class a text message containing the final words from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. I’m disturbed by the fact that she had all their cell phone numbers.

heart of darkness

It’s a neat idea, in the new, “media” age. But, honestly, if girlfriend REALLY wanted to fit in, she should have texted them passages from something a bit more contemporary . . . like . . . say . . Fifty Shades of Grey?

electrifying

Scott and Allison make a plan to talk later in the day, before Scott is called out of the school on Important Werewolf Duty, because . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW . . .

Meanwhile, Stiles and Lydia discuss the recent strange behavior of the animals in Beacon Hills.

discuss 1

something coming something bad

Deer are throwing themselves into cars. Itty Bitty Purse dogs are BITING LYDIA . . .

BabyScared

. . . cats are committing suicide, as we find out later (remember when I told you the mighty morphing twins was the second most disturbing part of the episode for me, THIS WAS THE FIRST!)

suicide dont do it

It’s like that awful M. Night Shlamalamadingdong movie with Mark Wahlberg, where the trees make everyone kill themselves . . .

plastic plant

Lydia refuses to believe anything weird is going on, which is why an entire flock of birds has to fly through the school window, in order to prove her wrong!

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dead bird

scary birds

Silly Lydia! You should have listened to your purse dog! The entire cast of Angry Birds had to die because of you!

angry bird

Meanwhile, back in Scottland . .

Derek Hale makes an appearance (and instantly, I forget everything they just told me about “Scott being the most important person on the show.”)

I begin to wonder about the hiring policies at the Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, when I notice that half the staff walks around with massively untrimmed fingernails and hideously ugly bare monster feet. Now, that’s just unsanitary!

feet

ew face

One such foot fungused person puts sleepy juice in Isaac’s IV drip . . .

sleepy

dopey again

Like I said, Isaac gets to spend most of this episode in a stupor . . .

Another Unhappy Feet candidate wolfs out on Scott in the elevator, just as he’s managed to escape, with a now fully healed, but also completely unconscious Isaac. And I must say, it’s not looking too good for our hero . . .

wolf guy

Until DEREK MAGICALLY APPEARS! HUZZAH!

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I’m sorry . . . you just can’t keep trying to convince me that “Scott is the most important person on this show,” when Derek’s around being all . . . Dereky . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

Off to the hideaway, they ride . . .

Derek’s Hideaway of Hotness

Scott, Stiles, Derek and Isaac gather at Derek’s “training pad,” to discuss what most of us already knew from watching last season finale, and this season’s trailers. (1) There’s a pack of Alphas in Beacon Hills.(2) They’ve kidnapped Boyd and Erica;

missing

(3) They leave weird marks on prospective Alpha Pack joiners doors, prompting Derek to paint HIS red, in order to hide the evidence. (Should have gone with black, buddy. Red isn’t really your color.)

red door

Even though Isaac’s stomach is looking as wound free and sexy as ever, Derek rips off the younger man’s shirt and covers him with plantlife to “heal him on the inside.”

Damon eye roll

Nice try, Derek. But you can’t fool us . . .

Speaking of “hidden wounds,” Scott reveals that the reason he wanted a tattoo so badly was to reward himself for pretending not to care about being broken up with Allison . . . you know, even though he spent half the episode talking about how bummed he was about being broken up with Allison . . .

bad scott

So, Derek gamely offers to attack Scott’s arm with a blow torch . . . He says he’s doing this to allow Scott’s tattoo to reemerge from beneath his skin. But honestly, I think he’s just doing it so his bud will SHUT UP ABOUT ALLISON!

blow torch

held down

“OK, OK .. . I’ll stop talking about Allison. Just STOP TORCHING ME!”

Back at school . . .

Alls well that ends . . . not so hot . . .

Recent Hospital Escapee, Wolf Girl races through Beacon Hills High looking for Scott, while there she grabs hold of Lydia’s and Allison’s wrist, leaving a strange mark on them. (Some type of protection spell, perhaps?)

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In hindsight, she probably should have “marked” herself. Because girlfriend ends up getting attacked by the ENTIRE ALPHA PACK, we met earlier in the episode. (I guess they are still really sore about the whole Isaac’s Abs thing. Then again, maybe they are just upset, because none of them have ever had a pedicure, or used a toe nail clipper. That would make me pretty mad.)

mad girl

Interestingly enough, she manages to fight all of them off, without even using her crazy stun gun thingy . . . pretty darn impressive.

fight

“HIIIIIYAHHH!”

Except, then that Pretending to Be Blind Wolf Leader dude . . .

caned

cool guy

see or not

. . . with the cane has to come by and ruin everything, by murdering the most badass chica on the show (sorry Allison!), before we even got a chance to learn her name . . .

bloody

surprised-face

Now, that’s just bad manners . . .

Right before he does it, Pretending to be Blind Guy admits that this is all part of his MASTER PLAN to rid the world of Super Wolf Scott, by getting Hot Wolf Derek to kill him somehow . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

“WHATCHU TALKIN ABOUT RECAPPER?”

Stiles would most definitely not approve . . .

stiles sad 1

And that was “Tattoo” in a nutshell . . . Next week on Teen Wolf, Stiles FINALLY gets some nookie, and Sassy Peter Hale returns . . .

See ya then, Wolfbangers!

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