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The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

hungry

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

la loba

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

derek body

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clap

And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

electroshock therapy

electrifying

boo nolan

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

vlcsnap-2014-01-14-19h17m35s198

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

weel keeel

mr_clean

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

sour wolf

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

ep 7 in spanish

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

keen werewolf senses

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

throw mama from the train

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

frumpy mom

tyra

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

mr. stubborn

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

thumbkin

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

ahh stiles

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

dorm

love college

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

le douche

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

malia dad

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

nodding oh yeah

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

you knew that

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

research for boyi so want to hit that

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

my daughter totally wants to hit that

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

she absolutely wants to hit this

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

heart of darkness

And we all know what happened to her . . .

evil jenny

darach

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

big bad

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

what about you

reading is hard

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

falling words

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

not a tumor

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

make it stop please

ignore problem

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

no extra digits

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

no dont pull down your pants

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

i so want to hit that

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

hes-just-not-that-into-you-photo

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

i want my doll

“I want my doll!”

baby doll stealing

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

malia

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

flick

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

i want my doll scary doll

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

always been the alpha

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

raining bullets

im back braeden

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

soon dead

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

drowning matt

Or Kali . . .

kali

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

mr harris

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

growly boyd

noticing me

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

job

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

evil peter pan

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

lightbulb-idea

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

negativity and scarf

isaac scarf

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

sexy derek face

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

here i go again

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

dangerous minds

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

big shoot

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

ep 6 alpha

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

baby simba

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

take it like a bitch

what he said

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

wham bam

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

is this the part where i turn green or gorilla y

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

smash 2

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

priest

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

yummy

this is embarrassig

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

eating

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

dont shoot

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

busted

“Busted.”

home shopping network

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

cute dog

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

good day for dead coyote

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

girls together

i just want to be loved

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

big bad of this ep

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

and another one down

And another one down . . .

another one down

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

so tired

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

alli

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

makethemwonder143

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

halloween scaring kids silent-boulevard

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

alpha now

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

why am i naked

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

i did it

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

your pretty daughter

hugs

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

i can read

ep 10 happy stiles

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

mountain ash

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

mountain ash

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

pretty

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

firefly people

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

 hi stiles

 

 

 

 

 

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Come Closer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Unleashed”

sex me now

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As human beings, we can’t help but crave intimacy . . . a warm touch . . . a loving look . . . some kind words of reassurance.  We thrive on these things.  They can make a life, less lonely, and more worth living.

ep 11 salison

9_stiles-lydia

hugsies isaac
But intimacy can be as dangerous, as it is seductive.  Allowing people into your life . . . letting them “come closer,” leaves you vulnerable to rejection, hurt, and pain.  It also makes you about ten times more likely to get bodily dragged under your car, while your dog watches, and brutally murdered by a villain who seems to change his murder victim stereotype about as often as most people change their clothes . . .

going to die

Yes . . . three people died this week on Teen Wolf, adding to the season’s already aggressively gruesome body count.

i see dead people

But, more than that, “Unleashed” was about the benefits and unexpected dangers of physical and emotional intimacy . . .

toss out

So, rev up that motorcycle, avoid cleaning supply closets like the plague, and, for heaven sakes, hold on to your puppies, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

stiles with wolf hat

enjoy the show

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(Special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who I know would bravely rid Stiles of his pesky virginity, if the latter asked nicely.)

Number One with a Bullet

Mistletoe.  Apart from being the impetus behind a few unwanted kisses around Christmas time, it always seemed like a pretty harmless plant.  Right?

mistletoe kisses

ep 7 kissy face

WRONG!  It turns out, Mistletoe is poisonous to adorable pups like Bullet and Secret Teen Werewolves like Scott . . .

BabyScared

It also ultimately brought about the brutal murder of this Poor Schmuck . . .

whois your daddy

“He knows who the Alpha is,” Not-Yet-Dead Guy muses to Scott the Dog Whisperer, after the latter extracts the offending bite of Mistletoe from pet Bullet’s body.

mistletoe

(And just in case you didn’t catch the OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING in that statement, both Scott and the Vet spend their next three minutes of screen time winking at the television screen, until you do . . .)

ephemeral

It’s a bit unusual to me that a guy who believes himself to be a “military man,” would (1) own the type of dainty dog that looks like he’d be right at home in a socialite’s designer purse; and (2) be so incredibly lousy at teaching that dog obedience.

bullet dog

“Here Puppy  . . . Puppy,”” Not-Yet-Dead Guy calls out ineffectually, as his unleashed dog runs out of the veterinary office and into a back alley.

here doggie

Bullet: “I’m not your B*tch.”

Clearly, Bullet knows who the Alpha isn’t . . .

Believing his dog to have run under a trash compactor, Not-Yet-Dead-Guy makes the genius move of STICKING HIS HEAD UNDER IT . . .

come closer 1

no no on

Already I’m cringing at my TV screen, while I wait for Not-Yet-Dead Guy’s face to get flattened like a pancake.  Fortunately, for Not-Yet-Dead-Guy he gets to survive long enough to make TWO MORE REALLY STUPID MISTAKES.  

owww bit

First, he STICKS HIS HAND UNDERNEATH THE DAMN THING.

draco malfoy facepalm

“You bit me!” Not-Yet-Dead guy yelps in accusation, as he removes his hand from beneath the compactor, only to find his dog waiting patiently behind him.

look at my bite

stupid human

“Stupid Human.  I ought to send this in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

But wait . . . if it wasn’t Bullet that bit not-yet-dead guy, who could it possibly be?

stefan shrug

Perhaps, it’s the creepy guy that’s weirdly chanting “Come Closer” from underneath the trash compactor . . .

Pop Quiz, Wolfbangers.  It’s the middle of the night.  You and your dog are hanging out in a dark alley.   You hear the voice of the unidentified thing that JUST BIT YOU telling you to COME CLOSER.  Do you:

(a) Grab your dog, and run away fast

(b) Grab your dog, and run away faster

(c) Grab your dog, get in your car, and drive away fastest or

(d) Stick your head back under the trash compactor, like a schmuck, and kiss your ass (and potential for recurring guest star status on Teen Wolf) goodbye.

I’m sorry, Owner of Bullet.  D was not the correct answer.  As a consolation prize, you get to have your head separated from your body.  But, hey, you weren’t really using that pesky brain much, anyway, right?

you can be my new dad

“You can be my new daddy.”

pick up dog

“But first you have to learn to hold me correctly . . .”

pick up dog 2

“Oh Brother!”

Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time.

The Part Where I Weigh in on the Derek Hale New Love Interest Controversy . . .

Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

So, here we have our adorable English Teacher, with a penchant for inappropriately texting students, and hanging out in school boiler rooms at 3 a.m. . . .

scared teach

“Just because I am always in danger, and completely incapable of protecting myself, doesn’t mean I’m a Damsel in Distress.”

She hears a noise outside.  And like any good damsel in distress grabs onto the nearest phallic object to protect herself . . .

holding stick

But fear not, English Teacher!  That noise was nothing more than your Neighborhood Sexy Wolf, who has come a-courtin’!

im the alpha cameronbaum

English Teacher immediately starts babbling on about how her therapist thinks she’s crazy.  Because nothing turns a hot twenty something male on more, than a woman, who likes to talk about her mental and emotional problems with people she just met . . .

big bitch crazy

Start talking about your period, now, English Teacher.  That will really make him swoon!

tampon-med1

moony look

“She’s Dreamy!”

And yet, Derek seems to find all of this “quirkiness” adorable.  Possibly because he was mesmerized by her perky boobs, and didn’t actually hear the annoying words coming out of her mouth.    Intent on impressing his lady love, Derek even offers up some information he read off the inside cover of the Cliff Notes from The Crucible, to show English Teacher what a smart, well-spoken guy he can be!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Before he leaves her, the two exchange names, in hopes that they will have the opportunity for at least one roll in the hay set to pop music, before English Teacher meets her inevitable demise .  . . or, in a “surprise twist,” is revealed as the Evil Mastermind Behind Either the Alpha Pack or the Druid Sacrifices . . .

bitch face

she turns into the devil tendermercies

All right, so here’s the thing.  Contrary to what some might think, I’m not bothered by the fact that the writers have given Derek a love interest that isn’t Stiles . . . or Allison . . . or ME.  In fact, if having a love interest on the show, means more shirtless Derek, or more moony-eyed, lusty-looking Derek, I welcome the storyline with open arms . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

internet derek 3

let me love you

I’m just having trouble getting behind the idea of English Teacher as the love interest.  Yeah, I get that she’s “hot” or whatever.  She’s just so milquetoasty!  And beyond that, she just seems void of any of the sort of personality traits (edge, spunk, a sarcastic sense of humor) that would make for an interesting pairing with a brooding strong silent type like Derek.

sarcasm defense

Long story short, from a plot perspective, I understand the need for this couple.  They look “pretty” together.  And I’m sure younger fans will eat them up, for that reason alone.

happy elena

But from a writing perspective, I feel like, if the sole purpose of English Teacher’s character is to be a love interest for Derek and/or future victim / surprise villain, she needs to be written in a more dynamic way, so that the developing couple is more appealing, and “shippable.”

speedboat-2

Since we are on the subject of new characters, let’s talk about those twins.  Shall we?

Taking One for the Team

Over in the boys locker room, Coach Crackpot tells the kids that they are flabby and out of shape.

fat asses big

hot men no shirts

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Apparently, Deucalion isn’t the only blind guy on this show . . .

number of fingers

Meanwhile, Stiles propositions the entire lacrosse team for sex, upon learning that another possible virgin joined the ranks of the definitely dead in Beacon Hills, last night . . .

threat life

sex me now 2

Any volunteers?

ill do it

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Danny offers to be a hero, and take one up the butt for the team . . .

Stiles thanks him for his generosity.  And in the inevitable porn version of this series (bonus points to the commenter, who comes up with the best porn name for this series), that’s when things get really interesting . . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

But alas, this is just MTV, not Pay Per View.  And Danny’s gallant offer was nothing but a big fat lie.  What a cock tease!

blue balls

Speaking of cock teases . . . these two . . .

twins - Copy

OK . . . OK . . . I know that one is gay, while the other is straight, and that they occasionally “talk” now.  But I still can’t tell these two doofuses apart, or determine whether they possess actual personalities.

look confused

Perhaps, the costume department should have them wear these to avoid confusion . . .

gay one

straight one

Isaac . . . being an open-minded, non discriminating kind of guy . . .  doesn’t particularly care which one gay, and which one is straight.  He wants them both equally dead.

isaac running

twins running

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The three men mutually agree that the absolute best place to wolf out, and have a gang fight is in the woods right in the middle of a mandatory cross country run.  This way, the only people who could potentially see them, and learn their Deep Dark Wolfy Secrets, are THE ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM!

roar 1

roar 2

roar 3

rawr

Fortunately, Brutally Murdered Bullet’s Owner, appears literally out of nowhere, to protect these three dumb-dumbs from themselves . . .

dead bullet guy

tears from stiles

homeless kid

wasnt on the team

Talk about taking one for the team!

Speaking of taking one for the team, do you remember the scene from that old Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, where the two twin Siamese cats made a total mess of the house, and then expertly got poor Lady to take the blame?

Twin 1 beating up Twin 2, and letting Isaac take the rap for it, kind of reminds me of that . . .

beat self up

wtf

*crickets*

protect

you are a monster

Except, since I still can’t tell the twins apart, watching Twin 1 beat up Twin 2, was kind of like watching Ed Norton beat up Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club . . .

hit me as hard as you

beat two

Also taking a hit to the face this week was Stiles, who learned the hard way that there is no tactful way to ask the grieving girlfriend of a guy who was just brutally murdered, if her military-loving boyfriend had the opportunity to bone her, before he went off to that Big ROTC in the Sky . . .

talking to widow

too soon haha - Copy

But hey, Stiles!  Look on the bright side.  At least that pesky serial killer isn’t offing virgins, anymore!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Coming out of the Closet

Because Isaac gets detention for not “beating up” one of the twins . . . and the writers need Allison to have detention too for “romantic reasons,” we get THIS random scene . . .

sleepy baby

*insert loud snores*

 . . . in which Allison falls asleep in class, and mistakes the French teacher / Guidance Counselor / Vet’s Friend / Possible Evil Alpha-Loving Ninja for her mother . . .

sees her mother

impasse

You can understand Allison’s confusion.  I mean, these two look EXACTLY ALIKE!

7 4 twins

 In detention, Allison and Isaac get paired together to do something in the supply closet that I don’t quite remember, but it sounds awfully kinky . . .

Allison sort of / kind of apologizes to Isaac for . . . you know . . . trying to kill him, and stuff.

stabbed me twenty times

stabbed me

multi stab

Foreplay . . .

And Isaac sort of / kind of forgives her, because he would very much like to know what she looks like naked . . .

flirting 1

flirting 2

Source

I love the obvious chemistry these two actors (who were dating in real life, back when this was shot) have with one another on screen.  And, for that reason, I’m much more willing to get on board with them as a future couple, than I was with Scott and Allison.  But just as I have trouble believing Derek would fall for a Mary Sue like English Teacher, it’s difficult for me to see Isaac, a child of abuse, falling for  . . . really . . . his only male friend’s ex, who so gleefully brutalized him, just a few months ago.  Likewise, I have difficulty understanding why Allison would hit on another werewolf, so soon after she supposedly swore off the entire species, for good . . .

thinking

Maybe she’s just really horny . . .

Anywhoo . . . SOMEONE locks Isaac and Allison in the closet, which gives Isaac PTSD about all those times when his dad locked him in the icebox . . . which causes him to wolf out .  .  . which puts Allison’s life in danger . . .

ptsd

fighting

If I recall correctly, of the three newbie wolves, Isaac was the best at controlling his rage, because he used his rage over his father’s abuse as an anchor, to prevent him from ever becoming an abuser himself . . .

anchor found

Given the volatility of this moment, it’s interesting – if not exactly surprising, given all the ad nauseum foreshadowing of Scott rising to Alpha status – that Scott is successfully able to replace Isaac’s own father, as the anchor to Isaac’s humanity.  Upon freeing Allison from the closet, Scott literally “Alpha’s” Isaac into submission . . .

owned

vulnerable isaac

“Does this mean I’m grounded?”

Now, Scott is REALLY pissed.  The Alpha Twins have officially messed with his ex girlfriend, his bromantic buddy, and . . . Lydia?!

lyd and twin

hawt

Jealous much?

THIS MEANS WAR!

Sweet Vengeance

gotcha al

In what was probably my favorite scene in the episode, Scott, Allison and Isaac band together to exact perfect justice on those doofy Alpha Twins, by throwing that Siamese Cat Framing Trick the Bad Guys pulled at the beginning of the episode, right back in their faces.  All it takes is a little motorcycle sabotage .  . .

bike parts

. . . a hot cell phone pic . . .

looking hot on bike

. . . and a sexually tense lesson in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for Dummies . . .

throttle 1

throttle 2

throttle 3

throttle 4

Source

Considering Isaac spent his first time on a motorcycle, half unconscious, with a sliced open tummy, and a pair of painfully electrocuted nipples . . .

relaxing ride

. . . I’d say he does a pretty good job instantly figuring out how to maneuver it into the school, while making just enough noise to spark the Evil Alpha Twins attention . . .

riding around school

Isaac slips away quietly, just as one of the two Evil Alpha Twins rushes out to save his precious bike.  (How did he know it was his?  Aren’t both the bikes identical?)

see ya

“By the way, your engine sounds like it could use a tune up.”

I also like how, even though everyone in class, including English Teacher, heard the sound of the motor, before the Alpha twin ran out into the hall way, everyone immediately assumed the twin was somehow responsible for getting the bike into the school . . .

busted ha

“Maybe he moved it with his mind?  Perhaps, I should ask my new hunky werewolf boyfriend if this is possible.  After all, he’s REALLY smart, and read The Crucible.”

Regardless, it was awesome . . .

ian says awesome

But the twins’ Bad Day isn’t quite over . . .

For starters, that one twin has to get fisted again.  (If it’s the same twin who got the beating earlier in the episode, I’m crying foul.  Being a bottom is one thing.  Being a b*tch to yourself is quite another)

morph

Then they both have to turn into this ugly thing . . .

turning

eww

yuck face

ISAAC: “So, let me get this straight.  Lydia and Danny would rather bone THAT THING than you and Stiles?  That’s just cold . . .”

SCOTT: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, just when the twins are finally ready to give Isaac and Scott the beat down they’ve been waiting to give them the entire episode, Big Bad Blind Alpha Daddy pops up seemingly out of nowhere, and emasculates them in the worst way possible . . . by literally giving them a spanking . . .

sad boys

“But Daddy, they started it!”

smack

sad boys

Backaches and Heartbreaks

Speaking of Big Bad Alpha Daddy, he and his little clan of Evil Alphas interrupted Derek’s and his sister’s workout session, to pay a little house call . . .

kali

stabby

“Is this because I didn’t offer you any coffee?”

Gross Chick Kali still can’t be bothered to wear shoes.  But at least this time, she gave herself a pedicure . . .

painted toenails

While Derek is like BLEEDING TO DEATH and stuff, Deucalion drones on conversationally about how cool it is to murder your entire pack, because it allows you to absorb their magical powers.  Apparently, doing this has enabled Deucalion to become . . .

destroyer of worlds

demon wolf

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 . . . a Massive Over-Actor . . . kind of like someone else we know . . .

mountain ash

(How great would it be to just put these two in a room, and let them scream at each other?)

OK, so I have a question . . . if Blind Deucalion gets to take the best parts of all the werewolves he kills, why didn’t he bother murdering a wolf with 20-20 vision?

see or not

Deucalion generously invites Derek to murder his entire pack, so that he can join the Big Bad Blind Guy’s Merry Club of Personality-Free Psycho Killers.  Derek would politely decline, except, he’s kind of unconscious right now.  Sorry!

tired now

Then The Deuce and his awful crew exit stage left, leaving Maid Cora to mop all the blood off the floor, all by herself . . . Rude Sexist Bastards!

Fearing that his own bloodlust and fallibility as a leader will put his pack in danger, Derek “White Fangs” poor Isaac, kicking him out of the apartment, without explanation . . .

go back to your kind

white fang me

care about

And when Isaac refuses to go quietly, Derek does the one thing he knows Isaac can’t forgive.  He evokes the painful memory of his father . . .

hit 1

hit 2

hit 3

hit 4

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This moment of poignant betrayal sends a sexy, wet t-shirt wearing, Isaac right into the arms of . . . you guessed it . . . Hero Scott.

wet t one

wet t two

wet t three

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jack's complete lack

But hey, if this means more communal showers for these two, I’m totally game. . .

ep 8 more shower scott 2

Three is the Magic Number

Meanwhile, in their seemingly completely separate Murder-Sacrifice Plotline, that zany crime duo, Stiles and Lydia, get a lesson in druid tree worship from that wise Vet Guy . . .

crime duo

“We are totally the new Mulder and Scully from the X-Files, Lydia. You are even a ginger!”

Apparently, like Deucalion, the Druids (in addition to worshipping trees, and the number three), believe that certain types of individuals have natural power that can be harnessed and absorbed . . . people like virgins . . . and soldiers.  But when they can’t get real soldiers they will settle for ROTC kids who name their dog Bullet . . .

rotc

Having always had a creepy talent for finding dead people banshee, Lydia is surprised to find herself mindlessly sketching oak trees in the music room, with no memory as to how she got there . . .

not art class

Danny: “Personally, I prefer to sketch nudes.  But trees are cool too, I guess.”

When the Music Teacher doesn’t show up for class, Lydia plays a recording on his desk, and is horrified when it is overtaken by that now-familiar chanting sound that seems to precede all the sacrifice deaths we’ve seen on the show this season . . .

chanting

Either that, or she’s listening to Kanye West’s Yeezus, for the first time . . .

Stiles had warned Lydia, last week, that she should call him, before she calls 911, whenever she thinks she’s discovered another dead body.  And it’s a good thing she does.  Because, within five minutes of entering the music room, Stiles finds what he’s looking for . . . evidence that the Music Teacher was a military man . . .

Remember one is an accident, two is a coincidence, and, of course . . .

cadet

dead teach

Oh creepy Professor Harris!  It seems like only yesterday, I was suspecting you as both the Alpha, from Season 1, and the Kanaima from Season 2.  It’s too bad your tenure on the show had to end with you tied to a tree, begging for your life, after hastily scrawling an important clue on the last papers you will ever get to grade: “DARACH.”

deaddd

But hey!  Look on the bright side!  At least you won’t be suspect, this season!

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

hi stiles

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