Greetings, Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar. We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!
All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television. Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]
Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .
When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .
And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals . . .
This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .
. . . except now they have company. Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen. Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.
This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty. He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba. “Where is La Loba?” He demands. (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.” It’s also a song by Shakira. But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former. This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)
Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate. And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.
This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful. I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right? We’ve already met a few of them ourselves. (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).
Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.
Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at. She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea.
But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son. “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.
Finally, someone willing to translate! But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer. Well, now they are just being obstinate!
Peter offers alternative form of payment. He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear . . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one. But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts. So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off. I think it was his middle finger. Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .
I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .
The Douchebag Cometh
After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .
Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .
. . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair. It’s small. It’s dark. It’s dingy and poorly furnished. It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.
The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup. So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too. You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip? That’s 100% Scott’s dad.
What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick. Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”
Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.
It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira
At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.
This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.
Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”
“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall. What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”
“I’m not 100% sure. But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”
Except . . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?
And we all know what happened to her . . .
Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .
Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf. Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.
Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class. Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming. Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.
“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . . . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”
And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist? To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means? Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .
Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room. (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her? Am I right?)
Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie. However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution. Eventually, however, it works.
“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants. Do you want me to pull down my pants? Because I’d do that for you, Stiles? That’s what friends are for.”
“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”
Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.
“Yoo hoo, I have your book bag. Will you please have sex with me now?”
Ease up, Kira, honey. You are on a show with an extremely limited female population. Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless. So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.
As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.
“I want my doll!”
“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”
(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system. You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)
“Can I see your student ID?”
Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her. This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!
But she doesn’t. Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does. Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.
“Fear not, possible villain! I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”
That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag. Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate. But not, Kira. She’s in loooooove. You know what? I take back what I said earlier? Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.
“Hi, I’m Chuckie. Wanna play?”
Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!
Confession time. I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale. How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next? I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line. Now, that’s talent.
Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.
It’s Braeden! Remember her? She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .
We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo. By the way, does anybody really die on this show? Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .
Or Kali . . .
Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .
Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.
Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries. I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck? Because I wouldn’t . . .
Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind. Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief. And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.
Thanks Braeden! If I could afford to pay you I would. But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did. Deal?
Actually, that just gave me an idea!
Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds! Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore. Everybody wins!
You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.
Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started. But Derek says no. The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.
*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn. Do you?
Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .
What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?
Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.
What the hell? Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house? He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name. It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word. Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.
Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family. And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing. Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo. It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.
Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods. But how? Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way. The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.
Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see. But that option is problematic too, for two reasons. (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to . . . um . . . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..
Quite a pickle . . .
But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle? But who?
The Bash Brothers
To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha. But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .
*insert bad 90’s video game music here*
It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .
“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”
I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male. For heaven sakes, grow a pair!
Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps. Dude needs a job . . . bad. The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . . .
Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.
While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate. This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart. Kate is the lead surgeon / person performing her autopsy? Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.
“Feeling kind of exposed here? Can someone pass me a towel?”
*insert sloppy eating sounds*
When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head. That’s odd? She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .
“Is this foreplay?”
Follow that Doll!
Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.
“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”
While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.
It’s Were-Malia. She took that damn doll again! Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well. Start your engines, boys! It’s time for a Chase Scene.
“Say hello to my little friend.”
Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang, (I leave it to you to decide which is which.) they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll. Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister. And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects. Is that too much to ask, dammit?
“See, I’m misunderstood. I just want to be loved.”
The twist: The real Big Bad of the episode is . . . wait for it . . . ME! MR.COYOTE TRAP!
Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass. Easy, right? Maybe not . . .
Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps. Allison can’t shoot. Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps. And Scott can’t roar. This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.
And another one down . . .
another one down . . .
another one bites the dust . . .
With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast. Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED! Hooray.
Nighty, night Papa Tate! Have a nice nap!
“Back to being awesome. Thank you very much.”
Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read. So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B. “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles. “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read. We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”
And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies. And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you. Thanks, Teen Wolf!
As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up! Already brushing off the dust. You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground. I’m tired of quoting this song. But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!
Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)
Bamn! Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle.
“Where’s the rest of my coven? How did I get here? Why am I naked? Whose the guy with the fugly face?”
“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”
She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader.
DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”
MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”
The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class! But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors. He’s cured!
Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . . .
And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .
In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with . . . wait for it .. .
Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again. Anywhoo, inside the . . .
. . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..
So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!
(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important. I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious. Just call me, Sassy Peter.)
Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?
Got any bug spray? Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .
Until next time, Werebangers!