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Trust me! I won’t bite! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Fresh Blood”

Eric Northman:  Making mouths (and other body parts) happy since 950 A.D.

Tonight’s episode of True Blood belonged to Eric Northman, and, by extension to Alexander Skarsgard.  He was the one calling the shots.  His lead was the one that everybody followed.  His storyline was the only one that seemed to have any significant plot development.  Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .

And yet, despite Eric’s storyline being the most intriguing and forward moving, there WERE other things going on in this episode.  And if I had to tie them together somehow, I would say they all related to the theme of “Trust” (or, in some characters’ case, a lack thereof).  So, before we get on to the MAIN EVENT, lets take a look at the opening acts.  Shall we?

Performance Enhancement

“Performance enhancement?  I don’t need any of that sh*t!  I’m Jason F*cking Stackhouse, and I PERFORM just fine, if you catch my drift . . .”

“Well . . . most of the time.”

When we last left Jason, he was coping with a “wild animal problem.”

Crystal made for a pretty funky CGI-looking panther, didn’t she?  Those of us who read this books knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less bizarre seeing it on the small screen.  And, I don’t know about you, but was I the only one who was hoping she’d be pink?

“Take me, Jason!  I’m a REAL sex kitten!  And I’ve got nine lives.  You know what that means . . .”

So, anyway, Jason is having a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around the whole “Werepanther Thing.” 

“Trailer Trash Barbie say WHAT?”

(Other things Jason has had trouble wrapping his head around:  the “addition thing,” the “subtraction thing”, the “reading books that don’t contain pictures” thing, the “having sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period makes you slutty” thing . . .)

Crystal is a bit insulted that Jason isn’t totally down with her offers of bestiality.  “I told you I had secrets.  You said you were OK with it,” she whines.

“I thought it was shoplifting or something,” argues Jason. 

Then the two resort to name-calling and petty insults.  Jason calls Crystal a “Meth Dealer’s Daughter”  . . .

 . . . and Crystal accuses Jason of not being a “man.”

“Oh no, you didn’t!”

But before any “catfights” break out, Jason detracts his claws, and apologizes for not being more understanding of Crystal’s “predicament.”  “I’m sorry, Crystal.  My brains feel like Scrambled Eggs right now,” he explains.

“Nice Jason!  Way to pick on the guy you just shot.  And I’m not ‘scrambled!”  The appropriate word is ‘decomposing,’ thank you very much!”

Then, Crystal begs Jason to help her stop the raid on her family’s meth lab, in order to “save the children.”  Jason is willing to consider it.  But right now, he has more important things to do like head to the high school football field and re-live his Glory Days  find Sookie.

While Jason is driving around searching for  Sookie, he just so happens to wind up back at his only high school football field.  (Riiiiight, because there’s nothing that murderous bloodthirsty vampires love more, than tossing around the ole’ pigskin.)  There, he spies his mancrush archrival highschool football star Kitch.

I’m sorry, but what kind of name is that?  Is that supposed to be short for “kitchen”?  Perhaps, that was where he was conceived?  Whatever, it is, I don’t like it.  Fortunately, I’ve come up with a new name for Jason’s mancrush archrival, Douchey McTeen.

So, Jason watches Douchey McTeen toss around the pigskin for a while with his minions butt buddies friends, and figures out that Douchey’s “talents” can only be attributed to one thing: excessive V usage.  Jason confronts Douchey, and is all, “That’s not FAAAAIIIIR!  You’re a CHEAATTERRR!  I’m TELLING, you stinky Poopy Head!”

 Unfortunately for Jason, everybody already seems to know about Douchey McTeens steroids V problem.  In fact, his coach, the school principal, even his own parents ENCOURAGED it.  Plus, apparently, unlike other performance enhancing drugs, V is completely undetectable through medical screening.  Poor Jason!  Douchey McTeen is going to take his high school football record away.  And without his football record, what does he have?

I stand corrected!

Summer’s Days are Drifting Away . . .

Speaking of V . . . and perpetual V cards, the adorable Hoyt has just had a taste of both, thanks to the lovely Vampire Jessica.  “I feel muscles in places I didn’t know I had,” exclaims Hoyt.

Mmmmm hmmmm, we bet you do, Lover Boy  — strong, hard . . . muscles.

Coming down off her post-coital high, Vampire Jessica FINALLY confesses to Hoyt about her little “Trucker Snack” from earlier this season.  However, she promises Hoyt that she has since learned to control her feeding, so as to prevent the death of her . . . meals.  “I can’t live on True Blood.  I need human blood.  That’s how it’s always going to be,” she insists.

“So drink me,” whispers Hoyt, as he unbuttons his shirt, illustrating the extent to which he loves and trusts his dear sweet vampire lover.

And that was when the panties of the entire female fanbase of True Blood fell to the floor. 

Jessica straddles Hoyt, and begins kissing him gently, gradually moving up his stomach, toward his neck, where she finally moves in for a big bite.  The whole thing was so hot, I swear, I almost passed out.  Way to go, you two!  May you go on to produce many very attractive vampire babies . . .

Meanwhile, Summer . . .

 . . . whose offers of biscuits, a nude body, her virginity, and lots of antiques and porcelain dolls, had failed miserably in winning over Hoyt’s heart, still had one more desperate trick up her sleeve.  And so, in the middle of the night, she runs crying to the doorstep of Hoyt’s MOTHER!

From the sound of it, Maxine Fortenberry was SO determined that her son NOT end up with the vampire that tried to eat her, she more or less HIRED Summer to seduce Hoyt away from Jessica.  Is that sick or what?  When Summer tells Maxine that she was willing to give up her virginity to her son, Maxine doesn’t even flinch (or laugh, which was what I did, when I heard that).  “I’m sure the Lord will forgive you, even if you are a sinner,” says the self-righteous witch.  “Don’t give up hope yet.  This is not over,” exclaims Maxine triumphantly.

Talk about a Bad Mommy!  I think I liked Maxine better when she was possessed by the Maenad, and obsessed with Bill Compton’s Wii Entertainment System . . .

At least THAT was a game you could win, Honey.  Because you are going to LOSE this one!  Hoyt and Jessica Forever!

She’s STILL having a baby!

Speaking of Bad Mommies . . .

. . . Arlene has been so obsessed with getting rid of her Future Serial Killer Baby . . .

. . . that she seems to have completely forgotten about her other kids!

“Please help us!  We haven’t eaten or bathed since Season 1.”

I love how Arlene commandeered Holly to help her with her “baby situation,” because she doesn’t believe in abortion.  Yes, Arlene, the man (or woman) upstairs would much rather you perform some weird Wiccan ritual to magically kill your baby, than to do it in a doctor’s office.  After cutting out early from work, Arlene follows Witch Holly . . .

. . . out into the woods.  There, the two light candles, sprinkle salt in a circle, and talk to Mother Nature (?), as well as Arlene’s deceased mother.  To complete the ritual, Arlene is told to put her own blood in a cup, and drink this nasty tasting concoction four times a day.  “We did our best. But if the baby is meant to be born, it will be born,” cautions Holly.

“What, no 100% guarantee?  Can I at least get my salt shaker back, if it doesn’t work?”

That night, Arlene has a weird dream about going fishing as a teenager.  In the dream Arlene’s mother is calling to her, but Arlene can’t see her.  She is woken up by Terry, who is freaked out, because Arlene’s nether regions are covered in a pool of blood.  When Arlene tells Terry she might have suffered a miscarriage, the poor man starts blubbering like a baby, which is so sweet, considering he KNOWS now that this isn’t his kid.

At the hospital, Terry continues to bawl, while Arlene, secretly relieved that her plan has worked, tries to prepare him for the worst.  But it’s Arlene who looks ready to cry, when the doctor comes in to deliver the news.  Future Serial Killer Baby LIVES!

Really?  With all that blood?  That is one strong baby! 

Maybe Arlene has been right about this whole “evil spawn” thing, all along!

Two Broken Souls = One Hot Screw

“Let’s make some dysfunctional shapeshifter babies together!”

So, for whatever reason, the True Blood writers have decided that Sam should have a Dark Side.  It inexplicably resurfaced two episodes ago, when Sam, with little provocation, almost beat that meth dealer to death . . .

 . . . then, last week, we learned he was a thief, a con artist and a double murderer . . .

 . . . and this week, we got to  add “mean and belligerent drunk” to this lovely list of qualities growing under Sam’s name. 

(Speaking of Sam’s name, if he was running from the law, don’t you think he should have changed it at some point, rather than . . . I don’t know . . . NAMING A BAR after it.)

So, Sam stumbles into the bar, and starts insulting his customers and staff, like it’s his job.

“Man, you’re ugly,” slurs Sam to one of his patrons.  (How’d you like to be the extra who got saddled with THAT part?)

He then calls Sweet Terry a “Shellshocked” Loser, and Arlene a B*tch.  He also FIRES his little brother Tommy, who’s crestfallen face breaks my heart, as the latter argues feebly that he has no where else to go.

“At least the Mickens always gave me dog bones to chew on.”

And then he told Sookie . . .

 . . . oh wait . . . he didn’t tell Sookie anything . . . because she wasn’t there . . . because she hasn’t worked a day since Season 1.

Eventually, Sam kicks everybody out of the bar, except Tara, because she refuses to leave.

Ummm . . . yeah, because that’s what I like to do on my days off from work – hang out at the office.

As it turns out, Tara’s been having a kind of crappy day herself.  She spends the whole morning crying in front of Eggs’ grave . . .

She then tearfully confronts Andy about his “taking credit” for Eggs’ murder.  After that, she drowns her sorrows in tequila, as her and Sam wax poetic about what not-nice people they are.  And, let me tell you, nothing says “lets bone” like a conversation in which both parties prove themselves to be total and complete a*sholes.  But bone they do, and it’s hardcore — like something straight out of a porno . . . Not that I would know ;).

“Oh yeah!  I needed a cigar after that one!”

Welcome to LaLa Land

“It’s OK.  We don’t understand our storyline either . . .”

So, while his cousin Tara was busy getting laid, Lafayette was busy . . . umm . . . NOT getting laid.  After that one trippy hit, his once holier -than-thou “Just say no to drugs” boyfriend is all about getting more V.  Jesus claims he wants to do it to “reconnect with his family.”  Right, just like those guys who say they read Playboy just “for the articles.”  But Lafayette, or, as he now calls himself, “LaLa” . . .

Lala?  But I thought Tinky Winky was supposed to be the gay one?

 .  . . is hesitant.  And that hesitation is only confirmed when he has a hallucination of Jesus looking like this . . .

Ummm . . . why is Jesus suddenly wearing the Shredder mask from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

More than a bit freaked out, “Lala” kicks Jesus out. But soon after, his toys religious figurines start dancing and talking to him again.  That will teach you to keep creepy figurines in your house, Lafayette.  You should have stuck with the Care Bears . . .

At least they won’t talk back . . .

And finally, the storyline we’ve all been waiting for . . .

Let the Sunshine In .  . .

Since you apparently lack experience in the whole sunlight thing, allow me to enlighten you.  Wearing black?  It’s only going to make you hotter.  (And you are hot enough, as it is.)  Might I suggest a certain Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater for your next daytime stroll?

When the episode begins, Beeaaallll heads to Fangtasia in search of Sookehhhhh.  Instead, Bill finds Pam, who beats him up and sprays him in the eye with silver.

Bill whines about how much he loves Sookie and blah, blah, blah.   But Pam isn’t having any of his sappy lovesick B.S.  “This isn’t about your relationship, you infatuated teen!”  She lectures.

Pam then admits to Bill that Eric plans to sacrifice Fairy Sookie to Big Gay Vampire King Russell in order to save his own life.  Meanwhile, down in the dungeon, to everyone’s surprise, the one who ACTUALLY rescues and unchains Sookie is YVETTA!

Sookie and Yvetta commiserate for a bit about what an ASS Eric is, and then they dash upstairs.  Bill then escapes with Sookie, while Yvetta absconds with the cash.  Poor Vampire Pam is left to drown her sorrows in the blood of Screaming Ginger . . .

Meanwhile, Eric is at the Jackson mansion, confronting Russell . . .

Silly, Screwed Up Russell!  Still clutching his Goblet o’ Talbot, he actually seems hurt that anyone would think to betray him in this way.  “Why did you kill Talbot?  He has done nothing to you!”   Russell whines.  (Right, Russell . . . as if that newscaster did anything to you . . .)

As someone who clearly has more patience, and less of an appreciation for the ironic than I do, however, Eric is willing to explain.  “You killed my parents, in order to obtain my father’s crown for your vast collection of meaningless sh*t,” he offers.

Meaningless sh*t, indeed.

Russell plans to kill Vampire Eric immediately, for his transgression.  However, Eric makes him an offer he can’t refuse.  The wise Viking entices Russell, with talk of vampires walking in the sun.  He asks for an extra day of life to prove he is telling the truth.  Russell agrees. 

That night, Russell and Eric literally hold up a car . . .

The car contains within it Bill and Sookie.  And the action thankfully interrupts the two from their cheesy conversation about what they would do, if they were a NORMAL couple.  (Bill as a school teacher?  PLEASE!  Mr. Compton can barely take care of Baby Vamp Jessica, let alone a classroom full of young kids he wants to eat.)

Sookie looks genuinely  freaked out that two  vampires are “high” jacking her car.  Bill just looks bored . . .

Russell and Eric hop in the car, and the foursome head back to Fangtasia.  There, Vampire Eric stages a fake fight with Bill, so that he can inform the latter of his ingenious, but risky, plan to save Sookie and kill Russell, in the process.  Meanwhile, Russell drags Sookie inside. 

At Fangtasia, Eric explains to Russell that Sookie is part-fairy, and that fairy blood is, as Sookie so eloquently put it, some form of vampire sunscreen . . .

Eric also admits that he learned this important piece of information from Vampire Bill, who spent some time in the sun after ALMOST KILLING Sookie!

Sookie is not pleased about these recent developments, as they, once again, illustrate Vampire Bill’s penchant for lying to her, and keeping secrets from her.  Unfortunately, however, Sookie doesn’t really have a say in what’s about to happen to her next.  The Fairy Waitress is forced to lay flat on a bar table.  The oh-so-gallant Russell, waits for Eric to take the first bite.  However, Eric hesitates, undoubtedly, thinking about “other” things . . .

Eventually, Russell grows impatient and takes the first bite himself, with Eric reluctantly following suit.  So much blood is taken, that Sookie eventually falls unconscious . . .

Pam and Eric then head off to a backroom to set up the security cameras, and prepare Eric to take his first walk outside, thus proving to Russell that it can be done.  An unusually emotional and vulnerable Pam cries tears of blood, at the prospect of losing her maker to the Sun.  “You know I love you more, when you are cold and heartless,” whispers Eric into Pam’s ear, as he brings her in for an affectionate hug.

I LOVE THESE TWO!

With a final goodbye to Pam, Eric takes his first steps outside, and gets a bit emotional, as he meets the Sun for the first time in centuries.  Russell watches in awe and with anticipation, from the security cameras inside Fangtasia. 

Just as Eric’s skin begins to burn, Pam cajoles Russell to follow Eric outside.  Eric turns his head away, praying in an ancient tongue that Russell will not see that he is burning and ruin the whole plan.  When Russell DOES begin to burn, Eric handcuffs himself to the Big Gay Vampire King, and attaches them both to the floor, his once beautiful face now hideously scarred.  “Now we will die together,” Eric says ominously.

We hear Russell’s pitiful screams, as the final credits roll. 

(Wait, couldn’t Eric have just chained Russell to a post and ran back inside?  I don’t really get the whole “dying together thing.”  It seems a bit overdramatic, if you ask me.  It makes for a good ending though . . .)

So, there you have it, the last episode of True Blood, before the Season 3 finale, which is set to air in two weeks.  What did you think?  Are you a fan of the new Dark Drunk Sam?  Are you as confused by “LaLa’s” storyline as I am?  Can you imagine a True Blood without Vampire Eric?  I mean . . . obviously . . . he’s going to survive . . . right?

See, you in two weeks, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Ding Dong the B*tch is Dead! (And so is the Magister!) – A Recap of True Blood’s “Hitting the Ground”

This week on True Blood, we have a TWO for ONE, Dead Vampire Special!  Get ’em while their bloody!  (Heads sold separately.)

And for a limited time, we will even throw in a DEAD WEREWOLF!  Call now, while supplies last!

Well, certainly no one could say this episode was uneventful!  All of the show’s major plotlines advanced significantly from where they were at this time last week.  Plus, as I mentioned earlier, we lost, not one, not two, but THREE big bad villians (two of which were REALLY annoying!)  As if that wasn’t enough, we also made some strides in figuring out what the heck Sookie Glow Fingers IS!  (Unless, of course, you’ve read the books, in which case you already know.)

Hint:  She is NOT an alien!

So, without further adieu, let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Guess she’ll never get to wear that Rib Cage Hat she always wanted . . .

It gives the phrase “Fashion Suicide” a whole new meaning . . .

When the episode opens, we are hanging out in the slave quarters with Sookie, Lorena, and a Very Bloody Bill.  Lorena literally has Sookie by the neck, and she’s biting down .  . . HARD!  She pauses for a moment to savor her meal.  “You’re delicious,” Lorena remarks. 

(Who knew blood was such a complex gourmet delicacy?  Later in the episode, Eric rated Hadley’s blood three stars.  I’m betting Sookie’s more of a five-star meal . . .)

“I would very much like to serve her with my blood gelato!  Delicious!”

Lorena then echos Season 2 villian Maryanne’s sentiments, by exclaiming out loud to Sookie, “What are you?”

Unfortunately for Lorena, she doesn’t have much time to ponder this question, because Bill has somehow managed to unnail himself from the floor.  He then grabs Lorena from behind (kinky!) and pulls her on top of him, wrapping the evil wench in the silver chains that earlier immobilized him.  Sookie grabs hold of a stake and holds it over Lorena, as Bill restrains her.  “Do it!”  Bill implores.

But Sookie hesitates, until Lorena offers a final pitying plea.  “I love you,” she whines to Bill, tears dripping down her sallow cheeks. 

“You wouldn’t know love if it bit you in the face,” screams Sookie, as she pummels the stake into Lorena’s chest, causing the latter’s innards to spew forth like water from a geyser.

Thirsty?

Wading through soggy bits of Lorena, Sookie finally makes her way over to Bill, who’s alive, but barely.  Unfortunately for them, their oh-so-romantic reunion is interrupted, when Alcide and Tara bust through the doors, ready to rescue!

My hero!

Oh . . . yeah .  . . you too, I guess.

Alcide wants the group to skedaddle, since they have werewolves on their tail.  But noooo . . . Sookie’s all, “Beeeel, Beeelll!  I can’t leave Beeeell!”

So, despite Tara’s repeated pleas that they leave him to rot, the group ultimately decide to drag “Beeeeeel” with them.  They wrap him up in an old white blanket, and slowly move the DEAD (in more ways then one) weight toward the door.  But they can’t leave yet, because someone else has joined the party.  It’s Trailer Trash Debbie!

Just like Malibu Barbie, only skankier.

“A Vampire Burrito, for me?  Oh, you shouldn’t have!”  Deb exclaims, drool seeping out both sides of her vampire-blood addicted mouth.

“Yo Quiero, Taco Bill!”

Trailer Trash Debbie waves a gun in everybody’s face, hoping our stalwart crew will give up the burrito without a fight.  Alcide tries to reason with the girl.  But there’s no just no reasoning with Stupid.  Fortunately, Tara has a plan, which she thinks about in her head, using Sookie’s mind reading abilities to her advantage.  It’s about time SOMEONE did this! 

“Cause a distraction, and I’ll do the rest,” thinks Tara.

So, Sookie “distracts” in the way she knows best, namely, SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF!  (Something she does quite a lot throughout the episode, and, yet, never seems to lose her voice.  Wow, that IS magical!  Sookie’s annoying scream is a much deadlier weapon than her Glow Fingers, in my opinion.)

“Beeeeeeeeeeeel!”

While Debbie contemplates suicide (anything to make that ungodly noise stop), Tara tackles her to the ground, just as Bill did to the now-dead Lorena earlier.  Strengthened by Psycho Vampire Franklin’s blood, Tara is fairly adept at keeping Debbie down.  That is, of course, until the slave quarters are visited by yet another guest.  (Geez, who sent out the party invitations?)  It’s COOT!

“Hello . . .  goodbye.”

Boy, for all his hemming and hawing about doing anything to help Sookie up to this point, Alcide sure was quick on the trigger to shoot and kill Coot!  In fact, after nailing him with a bullet to the heart, he shot him again in the chest, just to make sure he REALLY got him.

“Now, who has the Best Abs of Them All?  B*tch!”

As Tara and Sookie carry Bill Burrito out of the slave quarters, Alcide stays behind to engage in some hot foreplay with Trailer Trash Deb!

  “Gunplay Sex.  It’s a Were Thing.   You wouldn’t understand.”

Obviously, the addition of this scene was meant to add some sort of insight into why someone FABULOUS, like Alcide, would waste his time and energy on a Greasy Royal Nutball, like Trailer Trash Debbie.  However,  it just didn’t ring true for me.  First, Trailer Trash Debbie starts crying big ole’ crocodile tears about Alcide not wanting to have  a were baby with her.

“Awww, Debbie!  It has your she-mullet!”

Then, she accuses Alcide of turning on his “own kind.”  Finally, she threatens to hunt him down and kill him.  Alcide says nothing.  He simply sighs, locks Trailer Trash Debbie in the slave quarters, and leaves.

Out back, Tara and Sookie are waiting by Alcide’s truck, into which they have just tossed Burrito Bill.  Ever the glutton for punishment, Sookie refuses to leave Bill’s side, and is therefore chucked into the back of the truck with him.  As Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill escape Russell’s compound, the evil Wolf Pack begin to give chase . . .

NO!  Not that Wolf Pack, this wolf pack . . .

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

And, you gotta hand it to Alcide, because AGAIN the dude didn’t even think twice, before running the evil bowsers over with his car and turning them into roadkill stew.  Now, I hate to EVER agree with Trailer Trash Debbie, but her earlier comment about Alcide turning on his own kind?   Kind of true.

It’s a good thing you’re so pretty!

Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Sookie slices her wrist open so that Bill can feed and revive himself.  Things start off OK, but we ALL know from past experience that Bill is an extremely piggy eater.

“What can I say?  I eat my feelings.”

Within minutes, he’s pinned Sookie to the floor, and has drained enough blood from her, so as to render the poor girl unconscious.  When Tara finds out, she’s pissed!  She immediately tosses Burrito Bill’s ass out into the summer sun, before slamming the door to the truck  and driving away.

“Was it something I ate?”

Fortunately, for Bill, he has enough strength, thanks to his Sookie Smorgasboard, to dash back into the safety of the Darkness.

 Just Like in the Fairytales . . . (if fairytales included vampires, which they usually don’t)

“Sookie, I don’t think we’re in Bon Temps anymore!”

Tara and Alcide rush Sookie to the hospital where doctors and nurses attempt a blood transfusion on her to compensate for all that blood Burrito Bill took.  But the minute the blood enters Sookie’s system she begins to convulse.  “Try a different blood type,” Tara pleads.

“You’re friend doesn’t have a blood type,” explains the doctor. 

“She’s in a coma.  You should notify her family and prepare them,” explains the doctor

No blood type?  Who doesn’t have a bloodtype?  Maybe Sookie is an alien after all!

Poor E.T. Sookie!

 Tara calls Jason, who has been busy throughout the episode, trying to score Crystal’s drug addicted cousin some meth, so that he will spill the beans as to why she won’t date him.  Because, REALLY, who in their right mind wouldn’t date Jason Stackhouse?

Someone crazy AND blind, that’s who!

Upon hearing the news, Lafayette rushes Jason to the hospital, and the two men are at Sookie’s bedside almost immediately.  When a lawyer rushes upon Jason and starts to pepper him with “next of kin” questions, Jason becomes extremely flustered.  “I can’t be responsible.  I am not responsible,” repeats Jason over and over again like a child.

It’s kind of heartbreaking, actually . . .

Meanwhile, Sookie is having a grand old time in Dreamland or Comaland, or whereever the heck she wakes up in that frilly tutu-type outfit she’s wearing.  Tutu Sookie wanders toward a glowing lake, filled with frolicking, half-naked folks.  It is at this lake that she meets Claudine . . .

 Claudine and Sookie seem very close, even though Sookie has never met her in her life.  And Claudine has this weird airy and disembodied voice, that reminds me of what I sound like when I’m really drunk but trying to act sober.  Speaking of drunk, lord knows what’s in that glowing cup, Claudine fills for Sookie!  “You’ve drank it before,” insists Claudine, as the two leave to go frolicking in the forest with the rest of the wackadoo nudie hippies.

But then, suddenly, the sky in Comaland goes black, and all of the wackadoo hippies escape into the safety of the waters.  “Come with us,” implores Claudine. “Your parents didn’t drown, that wasn’t what killed them,” she continues, reading Sookie’s fear of water, just as Sookie has read the minds of so many others before her.

But of course, Sookie won’t go.  After all, she KNOWS that darkness!  It’s “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll!”

Yes, ladies and gentleman our Vampire Almost Sookie Killer has arrived at the hospital.  Bill, who unlike everyone else on the show,  seems to know EXACTLY what Sookie is, instantly recognizes that human blood will not be able to help her.  His blood, however, will.  Ignoring Tara’s exclamation of “Oh hell no,” Bill emplores Jason to let Sookie have a taste.

The adorable Jason reluctantly complies.  And it’s so friggin cute, how this grown man, who was once addicted to V, flinches like a child about to get a shot, when Bill opens up a vein with his teeth.  Then again, coming from the guy who still believes in Santa at 30, are we really surprised?

“Santa?”

Bill attaches his arm to the IV, and allows his blood to flow in to Sookie’s bloodstream, effectively saving the life he had almost taken.

(I’d like to take a moment here, if you don’t mind, to give a little nod to my fellow Sookie Stackhouse Book readers, who know that this was NOT how it was supposed to go down!  Now I know, Alan Ball is certainly entitled to take a few liberties between the books and the series, but why this one?  Especially when the original plotline was so much sexier . .  .

 . . . It’s times like these when I wonder whether Alan Ball and I are on the same “Team,” if you catch my drift?)

Yet, when Sookie wakes up and sees the “love of her life,” by her side, she screams her head off.  And it’s not a loving “Beeeeeeeeeelllll” scream, either . . . 

Trouble i paradise, I presume?

Meanwhile . . .

It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there . . . literally.

Determined to rescue Tommy from the wild and wacky world of dogfighting, Sam drives down to East Deliverance Bon Temps (complete with a Dueling Banjos soundtrack) in an attempt to infiltrate the dog fighting ring and rescue Tommy.  The owner of the ring doesn’t trust Sam, despite that ridiculous “I’m a cool bad ass mo fo” voice Sam uses on him, in order to gain access.   So, Sam, always a “thinker,” morphs into a pit bull . . .

Hi Sam!

 . . . and wanders into the holding pen himself, where he is quickly led to a cage by some toothless wonder.  But before Toothless can lock him up, Sam morphs back into his hot shirtless human form . . .

Yippee!

 . . . and beats the crap out of the guy.  He then literally “Let’s the Dogs Out,” all of them . . .

When the dog fight patrons see all their dogs escaping into the wild, they abandon the dog match they are currently watching (which just so happens to feature Tommy and some ACTUAL dog), to go salvage their respective meal tickets.  With his magic Dog Whisperer tendencies, Sam gets the dog who is fighting Tommy to escape as well, so that only he and the Mickens remain in the ring.  Ma and Pa do not look happy to see him. 

“Who let the dogs out?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”

 “I thought Tara’s mom was crazy, but you guys take the cake,” scolds Sam, forgetting that the Mickens don’t have a television, and, therefore can’t watch True Blood, and don’t know who the f*ck Tara’s mom is.

Sam implores Tommy to escape the suffocating wrath of his evil Trashy Parents and come live with him.  “I can’t promise you a perfect life, but it is sure as hell going to be better than the one you have now,” he pitches.

“Sounds fab!”

So, Sam and Tommy ride off into the sunset.  And they all live happily ever after . . . well, almost . . .

In Other News . . .

Hoyt’s BACK!

But he’s not with Jessica . . .

He’s with this chick instead . . .

At least for now . . . But I’m not worried . . .

Because Perpetual Virgin love always wins out in the end!

Weddings can make you lose your head . . .

Poor J.J. from Big Love.  We barely knew ye . . . (but, already, we didn’t like you very much).

Back in the Queen’s castle, Sophie Anne is somehow locked in a giant bird cage.

“Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor or something?”

Eric strolls on to the scene, still wearing that fabulous Panty Dropper Blue Sweater we all love so much, and handling Sophie Anne’s girl toy, Hadley.

Eric basically threatens Sophie Anne to tell him everything she knows about Sookie, or he’ll eat her girlfriend.  Sophie Anne looks visibly shaken by this news, but refuses to speak.  However, the minute Eric’s fangs break into Hadley’s skin, HADLEY starts talking.  Hadley explains that she is Sookie’s cousin.  She also whispers in Eric’s ear what exactly Sookie is.  Unfortunately the audience can’t hear it. 

Eric looks surprised, and a little turned on by the discovery.  “Well, now that’s something I wouldn’t have expected,” he muses, feeding Hadley some of his blood as a reward.

So, it looks like SOMEONE else will be having hot Vampire Eric Dreams, very soon . . . LUCKY B*TCH!

Eric, Sophie Anne, and Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi Russell then head back to Shreveport, where the Evil Magister is about to pierce poor Vampire Pam’s eyebrows.

“Oh, that is not going to match my wardrobe at all!”

Eric implores the Magister to stop, explaining that it was Sophie Anne, not Eric who ordered the dealing of the  V.  Sophie Anne surprises the Magister, by corroborating this.  The Magister is noticeably shocked that a “subjec”t like Eric would betray his Queen, and that she would allow it.   “I pledge complete fealty to the Vampire King of Mississippi,” explains Eric.

 This is when scary Russell butts in to explain to the Magister in painstaking detail everything that has happened with this particular storyline since the first episode  . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“What?  I love the sound of my own voice.  Don’t you?”

Russell then quickly unties Pam and throws her into the safety of Eric’s arms.  The two share a sweet father / daughter moment (Eric running his fingers through Pam’s hair, and making sure she is OK) which was absolutely the only nice thing about this entire scene. 

Russell then ties the Magister up, and after some lame extravagant speech about “survival of the fittest,” forces the Magister to marry him and Queen Sophie Anne.  But then, just as the newlyweds are about to leave, Russell decides he has one more errand to run . . . and it involves batting practice.

“Say hello to my little friend the true death,” proclaims Russell, as he slices into the Magister’s head, with all the zeal of a rambunctious kid, playing a game of tee ball.

End scene . . . roll credits. 

So, that was “Hitting the Ground,” folks.  What did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under True Blood

Anatomy of the BRAND NEW True Blood Trailer Released at Comic-Con 2010!

Tonight, the True Blood cast held a panel session at Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego.   I wasn’t there . . .

But I DID manage to snag a copy of the BRAND NEW trailer for the second half of Season 3, which was released during the panel session . . .

And, of course, it was AWESOME!  Check it out . . .

OK.  It’s time to ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF THIS THING!  So, remove your jaw from the floor, retract your fangs, put your shirt (and pants) back on, and let’s get to it, shall we?

:07 – I don’t know about you, but this has always been how I preferred my Vampire Bill:  Hot, Shirtless and Chained to the Floor where he can’t get in the way of the inevitable Sookie / Eric lovefest going on nearby.

:08 – Who knew that when Franklin Mott bought Tara that UGLY ASS NIGHTY / WEDDING DRESS (probably back in the early 1800’s), he had also purchased a matching one for HIMSELF! 

(At least he finally SHAVED though.  That morning stubble must have been HELL to wake up next to . . . and I’m not talking about the one in his pants. . . )

:16 – It looks like Creepy J.J. from Big Love the Magister has got Pam!  That’s not good . . .

:17 – Hey, Vampire Bill!  That’s a nice tan your sporting!  How did . . . wait . . . uh oh!

:28 – ERIC: “I don’t know what it is.  But I know it is quite valuable.”

Look how lovingly Sookie looks at Eric, even when he is trying to pawn her off on the Big Gay Vampire King, like she’s some early 19th-century antique (Vampire Bill?).  But seriously, can you blame her?  Have you SEEN what Vampire Eric looks like in that Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater of his?  He can sell ME to the highest bidder, ANYTIME!

:32 – Shirtless Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) – Not really my cup of tea, personally.  But someone found this blog by searching for THIS EXACT IMAGE.  And I DO hate to disappoint my readers  . .  . So, here you go!

:35 – OK.  I’m confused.  When did I STOP watching the True Blood trailer, and randomly switch over to outtakes from the movie, Deliverance?

(Cringes, as “Dueling Banjos” plays in the background.)

:37 – Question: When white trash gets cleaned up, is it called “White-Washed Trash?” 

 (I didn’t like that comment Mommy Mickens made about Sam not being “family,” one bit, by the way.  But it DOES confirm what I always thought about her character.  Hint:  It rhymes with “masshole.”)

:41 – SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!   SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!

It looks like him and Crystal will be getting VERY CLOSE, VERY FAST . .  . and that her family doesn’t approve of the coupling AT ALL.  Awww . . . it’s like Romeo and Juliet . . .

 . . . if Romeo and Juliet took place in a trailer park in Louisianna . . .

:43 – Way to go Jason!  Whipping out the BIG GUNS!  (And I’m NOT talking about artillery . . .)

:53 – I just LOVE when Vampire Eric gets all up in Sookie’s personal space . . . and so does SHE!

(Note: I’m pointedly choosing to IGNORE that MEAN thing Eric said to Sookie in this scene, because his body language here CLEARLY implies otherwise . . .)

:54 – Speaking of foreplay . . .

1:00 – Of course, it wouldn’t be a True Blood trailer without at least one, “BEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!”

1:04 – It’s nice to see our former BFF’s, Sookie and Tara, bonding again.  It’s also REALLY NICE to see Tara (1) out of captivity; (2) in the sun (It means she’s not a vampire yet.); and (3) dressed in normal clothes from the 21st Century . . .

1:09 – First Deliverance, now The Matrix?  I think this trailer is broken . . .

(Actually, I’m pretty sure that Leather Chick is Vampire Spokesperson Nan from Season 2 . . .)

1:13 – White fur?  Red glowing eyes?  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have just met our first WERE-VAMPIRE!

(Some vampire lore states that if a person consumes enough vampire blood, he or she can become a vampire without actually . . . you know . . . dying.  If that’s true HERE, and all those werewolves have been consuming Big Gay Vampire King Russell’s blood for lord knows how long, this is some SERIOUISLY BAD NEWS for Sookie and Co.)

1:14 – ALCIDE:  “I don’t take orders from vamps!”

Oooh, Alcide is SEXY when he’s angry!  And he’s sticking it to Vampire Bill too .  . . which makes it even hotter.

(By the way, I heard they just recently announced that Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide, has officially been awarded SEASON REGULAR status!)

Here’s a little something to help you celebrate this AMAZING news!

And another SOMETHING . . .

You’re welcome.

1:19 – SOOKIE:  “If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you.”

(Get in line, Sookie!  Get in line . . .)

1:24 – SOOKIE:  “GET .  . . OUT . . . OF MY HOUSE . . . B*TCH!”

YEAH!  You go, Bad Ass Commando Sookie!

Be afraid, Trashy Debbie She-Mullet!  Be VERY afraid!

1:34 – Don’t you just HATE IT when you get stuck in the ceiling, next to the multi-million dollar chandelier!  I know I do .  . .

1:47 – You know, for some reason, every time I see Lorena, I get that song by Flo Rida stuck in my head.  “You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down.”

I can’t imagine why . . .

1:53 – Poor Sookie!  If  this was any other character on this show, a picture like this would have me really worried.  But it’s SOOKIE .  . . so, I’m not.  

(No Sookie = No True Blood, and if the ratings are any indication, this show is going to be around for a LONG, LONG time!  Therefore, I’m thinking our girl is going to be just fine.  Just a little hunch I have . . .)

1:57 – Hey, I don’t like this Dream Sequence!  A Dream Sequence without a shirtless male in it, is like  . . . well . . . I don’t know what it’s like . . . something LAME though, that’s for sure! 

2:01 – Here is our first glimpse of Claudine (played by Lara Pulver). She was a fairly important character in the latter half of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Book series.  Unfortunately, I can’t TELL you what role she plays in Sookie’s life, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I CAN show it to you though . . .

(Warning: Spoilerific picture, below.)

And there you have it.  The new True Blood trailer in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

15 Comments

Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood