Tag Archives: fairy

Bon Temps Regurgitated – A Recap of “Let’s Boot and Rally!”

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Boot and Rally, Fangbangers!  It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over.  After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.

But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.

At least, I call that strong.   Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.

Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them.  It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.

But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!

REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan

When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.

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Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching.  (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)

Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs.  Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!

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Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome.  There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.

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Then, Alcide whispers in Sookie’s ear that he’s “waited so long for this.”  And really, what girl doesn’t want to hear that, pre-coitus?

Sookie’s response?  Let’s just say it was explosive . . .

And now for the super slow-mo instant replay . . .

Oh, it’s SO over!  Eric and Bill are upstairs in a flash, for the post-game wrap up.

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Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight.   Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)

Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.

She’s game, though!  Talk about a boot and rally.  Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!

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 (I almost forgot that Tara broke that last week.  I wonder if Sookie’s homeowner’s insurance policy covers “Vampire Temper Tantrums” . . .)

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Meanwhile, in some random bunker .  . .

REVENGE of the . . . um . . . Evil Fire Thingy?

Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.”  Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something.  Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war.  Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground.  But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .

In other news . . .

REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?

Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car.  (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)

So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation.  He prays to Jesus . . .

. . . well, not THAT Jesus .  . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer.  THIS Jesus . . .

You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force?  “Show me a sign that you hear me!”  Lafayette pleads.

Jesus does his former beau one better.  He gives him head . . . literally.  

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Now, that’s what I call a good boyfriend!

REVENGE of  . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline

In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”

Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas,  who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.

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 (The character had such a promising start too!)

But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.

My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.

Why was that my favorite?  Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .

REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks

Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo!  There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man!  Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season.  Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)

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Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was,  until the second-to-last episode.

But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras.  They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away.  I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress.  But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?

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Anything is better than that vampire kid . . .

REVENGE of Fangbanging Hoyt

One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding.  I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.”  But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together,  crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.

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After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.

But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.

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And wouldn’t you know it, girlfriend even made Tara crack a smile or too, which is probably the most shocking thing I’ve seen in four plus seasons of True Blood.

Then, stupid Hoyt had to go f*&k everything up with his lame 80’s rocker clothes, and new-found fangbanging ways.  Damn, The Man!  Remember back when this was a REALLY likeable character?

That seems like ages ago, now!  Mama Fortenberry would definitely not approve!

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Tinkerbell’s REVENGE

Thank you, Fairies, for making Jason naked again . . .

. . . and for that weird (but oddly captivating) dream sequence where he wore He-man footy pajamas, and his mom told him to go get a blow job, because it “always makes him feel better.”

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You are officially, my heroes!

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Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.

Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

The Return of Russell Edgington!

With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times.  Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)!  Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms.  The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.

The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .

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 . . . and one delicious Viking Vamp.

Vampire Househusbands of Bon Temps – The Reunion Special

Color me intrigued!  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Sookie Stackhouse: Angel of DEATH! – A Recap of True Blood’s “We Will Meet Again”

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Uh oh, Fangbangers!  Don’t mess with the Sookster!  Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind.  (Sorry Tara!)

For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .

. . .this was the episode for you!

Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.

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Of course, there was one notable exception . . .

Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble.  Ain’t that sweet?

In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.

Let’s review, shall we?

Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!

Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again.  (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)

That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .

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 . . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously.  Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!

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Now, that’s what I call a good mom!

Of course, teaching Tara not to hate herself, may have had the unintended effect of making Tara hate Sookie more.  And she’s in good company, in that regard .  . .

Everybody HATES(?) Sookie (especially that Demon Head thing)

Now, Lafayette, my Laffy Taffy.  Most of the time, you and I see eye-to-eye on things.

But even I have to say, you’ve been acting like a total Turd Ball to Sookie . . . blaming her for Tara’s vampirism, when the whole “turning” thing was 100% your idea first .  . .

What’s worse, from the mean, nasty thoughts everyone was thinking about the bustiest Stackhouse at Merlottes, your “Sookie Sucks” mentality just might be contagious.

And don’t get me started on that weird Demon Head Halloween mask you like to wear sometimes for sh*ts and giggles.  What the f*&k is up with that?

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Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .

. . . almost . . . but not quite.

Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .

OMG!  You killed that annoying vampire kid.  You RULE!  Bastard!

Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.

That little vampire kid .  . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.

I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed.  In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire.  I’m certain of it.  Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.

But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”

And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .

BRAVO!  Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.

Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . .  .

PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo

Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.

Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm.  Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”

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In which Eric and Pam make us ugly cry . . .

Oh, Eric Northman!  It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.

Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode.  Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.

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That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.

“How ya like me now?”

For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline .  . . well . . . you just might not be human.

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The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it.  But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?

Or can we?

In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .

Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week.  Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule.  The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .

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 . . .  immediately took the law into her own hands.  Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed.  Pretty awesome huh?

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Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search.  And why did they do that you ask?  Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .

Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!

Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .

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 . . .  has decided to go and get herself good and wasted.  That’s my girl!

You know what, Fangbangers?  This might have been my favorite scene in the episode.  For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome.  Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.

And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!

She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.

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She also entertains werewolfy guests, whose girlfriends she just murdered, by making them drinks called Orange Marzapan, and telling them, in no uncertain terms, how much they looooooove her.

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That’s right, Alcide.  You thought you were fooling the mind reader, with your gruff exterior, and unrequited secret were-lust.

But you were wrong!  So, now that you’ve been caught, it’s time to put your tongue where your mouth is, and eat that busty fairy’s face.  Nom-nom, nom . . .

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Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience!  Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale.  And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it.  Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?

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Oh, and Eric, you may act like this doesn’t bother you at all.

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But you aren’t fooling anyone . .  And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.

Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .

Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition

Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure.  Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again.  The question is . . . who killed them?  I smell another mystery!  Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .

Speaking of mysteries . . .

Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition

Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?

And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season?  Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.

Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club!  And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.

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Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood?  (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?)  Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day?  Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?

Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Maker’s Mark – A Recap of “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

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I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.

Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.”  We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.

Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .

Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?

Let’s review, shall we?

In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .

We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire.  And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”

But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.

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“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”

 Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam.   So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break.  Talk about a rude house guest!

But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host.  So, I guess that’s a start .  . .

Speaking of hosts . . .

In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .

It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan.  And HE is AWESOME!

Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .

Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.

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Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.

Can you blame her?

Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass.  Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.

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Sucks for Pam . . .

In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .

After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.

Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.

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Apparently, said diapers are wired to kill Eric and Bill, if they misbehave or something.

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(Personally, I just think it was Alan Ball’s excuse to get the two actors to fulfill some S&M fantasy of his . . .)

Hey, no complaints here . . .

In which EVERYBODY screws Salome . . .

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Who says True Blood never teaches you anything?  This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.

Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.

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Not bad for a days work, right?

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Speaking of sexually active vampires . . .

In which Vampire Jess reenacts those annoying AXE body spray commercials . . .

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Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”

Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest.  Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth.  (Dude MUST be gay!)

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“I am . . . at least, in the books.” 

So, a still sexed up Jess, heads in search of the Next Best Thing . . .

Jason F*&KING STACKHOUSE . . .

In which Jason has sex with a cat lady, but not Jessica . . .

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Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.

Poor Jason!  Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?

(Not that we can really blame her.)

Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.

They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”

But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.

BOO!

So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods.  But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.”  Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.

In other Stackhouse news . . .

In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .

So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.

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My have times changed!  Now Tara’s pissed at her for turning her vamp.  And Sam and Arlene second that emotion.

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 Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing.  Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo.  And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .

Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .

And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .

In which we learn how Pam was made . . .

In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.

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 I bet you can’t guess who they were?

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That’s right, it’s BEEEL and Bad Mommy Lorena.

It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners.  Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.

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But even GOOD SEX comes with a price . . .

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 . . .  and Pam has set hers in stone.  She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)

Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death.  Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker.  It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.

So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.

And the rest is vampire history . . .

Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker.  Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?

In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”

The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.

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How very Jersey Shore of her.

Of course, Maker Pam might have something to say about that . . .

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Lazy Recapper Takes on Sunday and Monday Night Television (Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, and Gossip Girl)

[The Vampire Diaries’ Recap for “Do Not Go Gentle” is on its way!  Check back early Saturday morning, April 28th, E.S.T.]

May Sweeps is fast approaching.  And it’s already been quite the busy week in TV land.  Let’s see, we’ve had decapitations, mutilations, demon baby births, people turning into snails, travels to alternate dimensions, fake family reunions, real family reunions, LSD trips, and people claiming to be Martians . . .And that was all before midnight on Monday!

So grab your sword and crossbow, and let that funny tasting sugar cube melt on your tongue, because it’ time for a trip down TV’s Memory Lane, Lazy Recapper’s style.

Once Upon a Time – “The Return”

This week on OUAT, we learned the real reason why poor little Baelfire never brought his dad, Rumpelstiltzkin in to talk to his class on Career Day.  Sure, turning straw into gold, bargaining for first born babies, and turning people into snails, just because they gave your son a boo-boo is a great job.

 “I also have fabulous hair.”

But for some reason it doesn’t make the Rumpel family all that popular with the townsfolk.  Gee . . . I can’t imagine why?

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Es carg – OH NO!

Understandably, Baelfire (Um . . . can I just say, as far as names go, this one is pretty darn awful.  Then again, what do you expect from a guy who’s name sounds like the German word for “Butt Stilts”) is a bit tired of being Fairytale land’s least likely to be Prom King and/or get laid before the age of 55.  So, the young lad vows to find a way to make his dad’s DARK MAGIC evaporate, faster than one can say “Bippity, Boppity, Boo.”

“And that’s how I get my face looking so sparkly and demonic, each day.” 

And wouldn’t you know, some things actually ARE easy in fairytale land.  Upon meeting a rather ornery, and self-righteous fairy, Baelfire learns that the key to turning his snail-hating, and baby-loving dad, with the poopy name, back into a normal man is a  . . . bean(?).

“Are we supposed to be vanquishing evil or cooking?”

But this, of course, isn’t just any bean.  It’s a Time and Dimension Traveling Bean.  Baelfire, of course, is THRILLED.  He can’t wait to share the good news with ole pops!

“By the way, if you ever run into Tinkerbell, tell her I think she’s really hot.”

However, unfortunately for Baelfire, Rumpelstiltzkin isn’t quite so ready to give up his magic ability to prevent the snail population from inevitable extinction.  So, when Baelfire tosses the bean, and the inevitable funnel cloud of smoke and gas emanate from it (Insert Inevitable Bean-Eating Flatulence Joke here), only the little guy has the courage to travel to the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Meanwhile, the miserable and extremely guilty feeling Rumpel remains in Fairytale land, totally and utterly alone.

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But, as we all know, Rumpel did eventually made his way into the Land of the Boring and Magic Free.  Does that mean there is hope for an inevitable father/son reunion?  Who did little Baelfire grow up to be, anyway?  Was it this guy?

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Well, that’s what most of us thought, at least until about 40 minutes into the episode, when The Stranger (who just keeps getting Stranger by the Minute) waved a hunk of steel in Rumpel’s face, while chanting some ridiculous prayer purposed toward making the poor old guy his lifelong slave.  Not exactly the kind of sentiment that fits on a Father’s Day card . . .

“Because I care enough to send the very best . . . here, let me shove this pretty sword in your neck . . . Dad.” 

So, here’s my new theory on August the Stranger.  (I saw the promos, after all.)  He’s actually . . . wait for it . . . PINOCCHIO.  It would certainly explain his peg leg, and penchant for donkey paper weights.   I’m thinking that, even though magic successfully converted Pinocchio into a “real boy,” in Fairy Tale land, that magic has an expiration date here in the boring real world.

“On a positive note, I don’t have to worry about that pesky nose-growing thing, anymore . . .” 

And this means that August is doomed to revert back into a puppet status, unless someone*cough Emma Swan cough* can ship him back to Happily Ever After, ASAP.  Makes sense, right?

You know what makes less sense?  What happened this week on Mad Men . . .

Mad Men – “Far Away Places”

Here are just a few of the many things I learned, while watching Mad Men, this week.

(1)    Take LSD!  Not only will it help you divorce your wife, it will also make your liquor bottles musical, and enable you to perfectly recall old baseball games, while getting pruny in your bathtub!  Talk about efficient living!

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Just beware of “shrinkage” . . .

“I was in the tub . . . I swear it was only because I was in the tub!”

(2)    Michael Ginsburg may be an honest-to-goodness Martian.  But Stan Rizzo only owns one suit jacket.  And it just so happens to be that hideous green plaid one.  Which one do you feel sorrier for?

My vote goes with Stan.  Rumor has it the Martians are pretty snazzy dressers . .  .

(3)    Peggy Olson is NOT Don Draper.  And giving someone a hand job during the movie with all the cute little lion cubs in it, or yelling at a client, who doesn’t like her idea, does not make her him.

“Can I get some popcorn with that?’

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Oh, and . . . whatever you do, don’t ask her for her thoughts on beans.

“You WILL like my advertising idea, or I’ll have my good friend Rumpelstilskin turn you into a snail!” 

Speaking of Don Draper . . .

(1)    When Don Draper says you should like Orange sherbert, you BETTER like Orange sherbert.  And don’t even think about ordering yourself a pie for dessert.  Because you’ll end up walking home from that Howard Johnsons in East Deliverance, U.S.A, ALL BY YOURSELF . . . just you and the ten rednecks who tried to hit on you, outside the phonebooth. Yes, I’m looking at you, Megan!

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(2)    This one is also for Megan, or any of you future Ms. Draper’s out there.  When your husband (a) murders women in his sleep and shoves them under his bed for safe keeping; and (b) only seems to like having intercourse with you on the floor, AFTER he’s failed to scratch your eyes out or strangle you . . . you might want to reconsider the single life.

Foreplay?

In other, People You Definitely Don’t Want to Marry News . . .

Game of Thrones – “Garden of Bones”

(Special thanks to my pal, Andre, for all the awesome screencaps!)

Hey Joffrey Baratheon, you seem to be getting to that age, when boys start growing hair on their chest . . . their voices change . . . they stop thinking women are icky, and start wanting to get some.  Given all that, you might be interested in hearing some tips on how to woo women.  Here’s a hint.  Don’t do ANY OF THE THINGS YOU DID DURING THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF G.O.T . . . (or any episode of GOT for that matter)

You heard me, boy.  That means, no having women stripped naked in public for your amusement, no making them stare at their father’s decapitated head for fun, no menacing them with crossbows, while someone shoves a hot poker up their asses, or flogs them with a belt.  Need I say more?

Speaking of demon seeds, Melisandre gave birth to some hideous looking black puff of smoke that makes that thing that came out of the guy’s stomach in the movie Alien look downright cuddly by comparison.

The whole scene gave me an awful flashback of that Miracle of Life video they made us watch in middle school.  I’m still traumatized by it to this day.  (There’s no better form of contraception, as far as I’m concerned.)  Which reminds me, I wonder what kind of health coverage one gets working for the “Lord of Light?”

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“I wouldn’t know.  I work for the Prince of Darkness, myself.”

Speaking of Stannis’ seed, it’s looking to me like Renly won out in the gene pool competition in the Baratheon family, BIG TIME.  Not only did he kick his brother’s ass in their High on their Horses pre-war pissing contest, this week . . . he’s also better looking, more popular, funnier, and most importantly, didn’t sire that nasty black sh*t that came out of Melisandre’s uterus .  . .

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“Now, I know how Danny Devito’s character felt in the movie Twins.”

Too bad Renly doesn’t play for my team . . .

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Meanwhile, Arya visited Harennhaal Castle, where her infamous “People to Kill” list grew by about ten names.  But, unlike many of her co-captives she got to keep her head . . . literally.  So, yayyyy, Arya!

Elsewhere, on greener pastures, Dany, Mother of Dragons, used her feminine wiles and genuine kick ass nature to enter what seems like the nicest locale on this show, not to mention the only one that looks remotely clean.

Sausage Party 

My only question then, is why did they give it a totally lame name like QARTH.

“I pity the fool who pronounces it as QUARTH.” 

Speaking of totally lame . . .

Gossip Girl – “Despicable B”

Blair made a TOTAL ASS out of herself, at one of Dan’s dull emo parties, by wearing a totally inappropriate, and not particularly cute dress, and making an awkward rambling speech, no one cared about . . . all because the New Yorker referred to her as  “low brow.”  Now, she’s worried she lost sight of her “true self.”  Glad you caught on Blair.  We’ve been worried about that, since the whole “Pact with G*d” episode . . .

Sometimes, the truth hurts . . . 

More drama on the Lily the Greedy Van der B*tch front.  But at least this time she’s found the right target for her ire, her sister . . . who got carted off to jail at the end of the episode for paying someone to pretend to be a family member, in order to free up some trust fund cash.

 Just try not to drop the soap . . .

Speaking of the faux-sibling, in question Ivy ultimately got off scott free for the part she played in the scheme.  She even got a check for $1 million for her troubles.  She ended up tearing up the check though . . . You know, because she has  .  . . like . . . standards, and stuff.  MORON! 

Ivy Dickens . . . a real bastion of morality.

Speaking of fake family members, remember when we found out that Diana Von Slutsky was actually Chuck’s bio mom?  Well, now, it turns out . . . not so much.  But get this, UNCLE BART might be his dad.  Seriously?  How old would Bart have to have been when Chuck was born?  TEN?

I know those Bass boys start sexing young, but this is a bit ridiculous.  And how about all those times Bart tried to get Chuck to OD on DRUGS so he can steal his hotel from under him.  Talk about things you won’t find on the Father’s Day Hallmark cards . . .

And that’s what you missed on Sunday and Monday night television . . .

(F.Y.I. Tuesday night television will be getting its own recap this week . . .  So, Glee and New Girl fans, be on the lookout . . .;)

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See ya next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Once Upon a Time

True Blood Has Cast Its Claude: Did they make the right choice? (Contains some spoilers)

Inquiring vamps want to know . . .

 After months of radio silence, the producers of HBO’s supernatural ratings darling, True Blood, have FINALLY begun to pony up some details about the show’s upcoming fourth season.  If prior seasons are any indication, True Blood‘s Season 4 will likely premiere during the Summer of 2011.  It should also be at least somewhat based on the fourth book in Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse fantasy novel series, Dead to the World.

As both a die hard True Blood fan, and an avid reader of the aforementioned book series, on which the show is based, I am always curious as to which actors will end up playing the characters I have read about, and obsessed over, for the past three years.  One of the characters in whose casting I’ve had the most interest was Sookie’s fairy cousin, Claude.  Claude just so happens to be the twin brother of the elegant fairy, Claudine, who we met toward the end of True Blood‘s third Season .  . .

Lara Pulver as Claudine.

In the books, Claude is described as being six-feet tall, with wavy black hair and a flawless physique.  With his chiseled jaw, soft brown eyes, and sensuous pouty lips, Claude’s looks literally take women’s breath away.  Unfortunately, for those women, he is also VERY gay!  In the human world, Claude started off working as a stripper, but eventually transitioned into the dual careers of modeling and night club ownership. 

 In terms of  his personality, Claude is kind of an ass.  He’s rude, arrogant, shallow, super snarky, and massively self-absorbed.  And yet, Claude displays a soft spot for his sister, over whom he is extremely protective.  Later in the series, he develops a friendship with Sookie, and allows her a rare glimpse into his softer, more vulnerable, side.

Recently, the producers of True Blood have announced that the character of Claude will most definitely appear, during the show’s fourth season.  The role will be played by actor, Neil Hopkins.

Lost fans will likely remember Neil from his portrayal of Charlie Pace’s drug-addicted older brother, and fellow Drive Shaft band mate, Liam.

While certainly not a bad choice, by any means (Hopkins did an excellent job playing Liam on Lost, after all), I found the producers’ decision to cast Hopkins as Claude surprising, and a bit off-putting, for a number of reasons:

(1) Age:  Now, fairies are basically immortal.  So, age shouldn’t really make a difference.  Admittedly, however, Hopkins looks a bit older than the baby-faced Claude, who’s features stopped maturing at around age 20, in his book incarnation.  Then again, True Blood has been known to “age-up” its cast from the book to the small screen, particularly when it comes to its supernatural characters.

The 41-year old Stephen Moyer plays Vampire Bill Compton, who supposedly “died” around his 30th birthday.

34-year old Alexander Skarsgard’s Viking Vampire, Eric Northman, was purportedly turned into a bloodsucker by his maker, Godric, when the former was around 21-years old.

44-year old Kristen Bauer’s Vampire Pam joined the world of the undead, during the Victorian Era, when she was just 19.

Perhaps, an older-looking Claude was cast, so that he would be more believeable, as a twin for the mature-looking actress who is currently playing Claudine (see above).  Yet, part of me was definitely looking forward to True Blood roping  more “young blood” (or, at least, more young-looking blood) into its cast dynamic.

(2) Hair Care, Eye Color, Skin Tone:  While it’s nothing a trip to the hair-stylist, some colored contacts, and a little makeup can’t fix, I always pictured Claude as having jet black hair, ivory skin, and dark eyes, since that was how he was described in the book.  This image contrasts starkly with the light brown-haired, blue eyed, and tan complected Hopkins.

(3) Personal Appearance: Claude, as he was described in the books, is an impeccably groomed, assiduously shaved (assuming fairies even HAVE body hair, which they probably don’t), metrosexually dressed, and slightly effeminate male.  Hopkins, at least in the roles he has inhabited thus far, strikes me more as an overtly-masculine, rough-around-the edges, low-maintenance hombre, with a perpetual five-o’clock shadow.

(4) This is how I’m hot: While Pretty Boy Claude is drop dead gorgeous, in an almost feminine “he’s so beautiful it physically hurts to look at him” way, Hopkins strikes me as more of the “ruggedly handsome” type.

And finally . . .

(5) Drive Shaft, Drive Shaft, Drive SHAFT!  I’m actually really worried that, every time Claude appears on screen, I will instinctively begin belting out the words to “You all, Everybody!” 

(Those of you who were Lost fans probably know what I’m talking about here.  Those who weren’t . . . well . . . watch THIS . . .)

Then again, it’s possible that the reason I’m being so VERY nitpicky about the producers’ casting choice for Claude, is that NONE of MY top three choices for the role made the cut.  If you know me well enough, you can probably guess who those three choices were.  But I’m going to tell you them, anyway . . .

Now, let’s see . . . a tall, dark-haired, insanely attractive, smooth-faced male, who looks like he’s in his 20’s, is capable of playing a homosexual, and can exhibit a snarky, rude, and mean-spirited, persona, while still being inherently loveable.  Who on Earth could fill that tall order?  Oh .  . . I know . . . THIS GUY!

Of course, I’m talking about Ian Somerhalder!  Based on their respective physical and personality descriptions, it seems entirely possible that Claude and Damon Salvatore were separated at birth. 

 And those of you out there who doubt that a “ladies man” like Ian can play a convincing homosexual, need only watch the below clip from the 2002 film, Rules of Attraction, to be proven wrong .  . .

Sure, Ian’s a bit busy now, what with his STARRING role in The Vampire Diaries, and all.  But, considering that True Blood airs during the summer time, during his signature show’s hiatus, I’m sure the producers of both shows can work something out!  Then again, I love Ian so much, I’d probably cast him in the role of Sookie’s GRANDMA, if I thought he had a shot at getting the part . . .

R.I.P. Adele Stackhouse

So, Ian would probably be my first choice to play Claude.  However, if he was busy, my second choice would do a great job in the role as well . . .

Like Ian, Ed Westwick fits Charlaine Harris’ physical description of Claude to a tee!  Dark haired, dark eyed, with a sculpted physique, and the smooth baby-face of a guy in his early 20’s (Westwick is 23.), Ed effortlessly embodies the look of this magical character.  As Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, Ed has also proven himself very capable of pulling off Claude’s unique and multi-faceted personality. 

Like Claude, Chuck can be rude, snide, arrogant, spoiled, and ever-so-slightly effeminate, but he can also be fiercely loyal, clever, and inherently likeable.  It also doesn’t hurt that Westwick is British, especially considering that all the “fairies” we’ve seen on True Blood so far, seem to possess a British accent.  (I’m not really sure what being British has to do with being a fairy.  But, apparently, the two are related in True Blood world).

My third and final Dream-Pick-that-Just-Wasn’t-Meant-to-Be for the role of Claude is Jason Dohring . . .

A few years back, Jason melted girls hearts the world over, as spoiled rich kid / brooding bad boy / hopeless romantic Logan Echolls, in the television series, Veronica Mars.  Logan had this special way of always being two things at once.  He was both snide and sweet; mean-spirited and kind-hearted, good-humored and ill-tempered, arrogant and insecure, popular and lonely, a lover and a fighter, a romantic and a cynic.  But above all, he was a guy fans loved, desired, and rooted for, no matter what jerky or douchebaggy thing he happened to be doing at the time.  If Claude was straight, and human, I suspect he’d be a lot like Logan Echolls . . .

But Claude is not just a loveable scoundrel, he’s also sophisticated and an impeccable dresser.  Can Jason pull that off?  YES HE CAN!

After the unfortunate, WAY BEFORE ITS TIME, cancellation of Veronica Mars, Jason Dohring landed the role of wealthy vampire Josef Konstantin in the short-lived CBS drama, Moonlight.  There, Jason showed himself to have a knack for fashion, as well as a penchant for silk and leather, two fabrics of which Clothes Horse Claude would DEFINITELY approve!

But, as I’ve mentioned, the casting directors at True Blood have already chosen their Claude, and it’s neither Ian Somerhalder, nor Ed Westwick, nor Jason Dohring.  It’s Neil Hopkins.  Therefore, I guess us fans just have to trust that they made the right decision.  

So, in THAT spirit (and to show there are no hard feelings), I’ve decided to end this post with a highlight reel from Neil’s portrayal of Liam Pace on Lost.  And I have to say, it’s pretty darn impressive . . .

Well, at least that’s my take on it.  Now, I turn the discussion over to you, fellow Fang Bangers.  Do you think Neil Hopkins will make a good Fairy Claude?  If not, who would you have chosen to inhabit the role?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under casting, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

What Lies Beneath – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Finale “Evil is Going On”

Tonight’s Season Finale dealt mainly with the types of things that are hidden beneath the surface.  They can be “hidden” in the literal sense,

Oh hi, Russell!  I didn’t see you there!

 . . . the geographic sense,

Welcome to Hicksville, U.S.A.

 . . . or the internal sense.

Inner Fairy

Inner Dick

However, perhaps, the most pernicious things hidden beneath the surface are secrets.  And it was those secrets that truly drove tonight’s episode.

Another F&cked Up Fairytale . . .

“Beam me up, Fairy!”

The episode opens with yet another one of those trippy fairy dream sequences that have become so prevalent, during the latter half of this season.  Sookie is frolicking in the forest, when she comes across what appears to be a giant chandelier, descending from the sky.

Don’t buy it, Sookie!  The monthly electric bill alone would kill you.

Sookie looks in awe at the beautiful alien chandelier for a few moments, before closing her eyes.  Then, unfortunately, the beautiful image is replaced by a much less attractive one . . .

No, this picture is not inverted.  That is actually how Bill’s head looked in the screencap.

Sookie is not at all happy to be woken up from Fairly Land, and she lets Bill know it.  “You f*ckin betrayed me again,” she growls at Bill.  (Damn straight, Sista!)

“I wuz jes trah-ing to pro-tect yuuu, AGIN!”  Bill replies.

They spar a bit longer.   However, when Sookie learns from Pam that the future love of her life (Eric) is outside getting one hell of a sun tan, she leaves Bill’s mopey butt, and dashes out of Fangtasia, to save her man.

What’s with Sookie doing so much running in this episode?  Can’t fairies fly?

They have wings, don’t they?

Sookie finds Eric, whose massive sunburn makes him look a bit like a teenager with a really bad case of acne.  In fact, it was probably the first time in Alexander Skarsgard’s life that he didn’t look the least bit sexy.

Don’t worry, Eric!  A few dabs of Proactive will clear that right up!

While Sookie pouts, and tries to figure out how to move the six plus feet of pure sex that is Eric’s bod, Russell taunts her mercilessly about not using her Fairy Glow Fingers to save him.  Though not AT ALL in a position to threaten, Ballsy Russell tells Sookie that he will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t use her magic.

I use this picture of Russell, because it’s the only I could find to show him burning.  But this screencap MASSIVELY overestimates his appearance.  Here is a more accurate represenation . . .

While all this is going on a delirious Eric is talking to the apparation of his daddy . . .

. . . who has taken time out of his busy Angeling Schedule to lecture Eric about being good, kind, and forgiving, and blah, blah, blah . . . I almost fell asleep typing that.

Papa Killjoy

Finally, Sookie figures out how to be a fairy!

She uses her Glow Fingers to toss Russell against a fence, and break the silver chains encircling Eric.  She then drags him inside.  As Eric is in desperate need of blood, Sookie has Bill bite her arm to release some.  She  instructs Bill to keep watch on Eric to make sure he doesn’t accidentally drain the life out of her, like Bill did a few episodes ago.  Ever, the gentleman, Eric maintains his control, taking just enough blood from Sookie’s arm to clear up the acne on his face.  The feeding scene is sweet, and VERY sexy.  MOMMY LIKE!

Yes, boys and girls, arm sucking is the Gateway to Sex!

Once Eric is back to his gorgeous self . . .

 . . . he informs the group that he has to go save Russell, because Ghost Dad told him to do so.  Pam, is not cool with that AT ALL.  “He killed your family.  Rip off his f*cking head,” she says. 

I love Pam.

The only LIVING being in the bunch, Sookie, reluctantly runs outside AGAIN, to grab Russell . . .

 . . . and bring him back inside Fangtasia.

But, alas, just when the party is really getting started, the vampires realizes that they must “go to ground.”  Eric asks Sookie to watch Russell, since she is the only human-ish person he can’t glamour.  Sookie does not care for this idea one bit.  “I’m not babysitting this f*cker, while you all take a nap!”  She whines.  (Have you ever noticed that they say f*ck a lot on this show?)

Bill offers to stay with her while she watches the Russell Steak thaw, but she denies his ass.

Adventures in Babysitting

In a fun, but slightly disturbing scene, Russell attempts to bargain with Sookie for his release, while she boredly reads the latest issue of US Weekly.  Interestingly enough, she requests: $7 million, Russell’s home in Mississippi, and  . . . the DEATHS of Bill and Eric.

But then she changes the subject, turning her attention to Russell’s prized container of Talbot Soup. . .

I taste delicious when sprinkled with some oyster crackers.

Sookie inquires why Russell has been carrying Talbot Soup around so long.  He admits that he hopes that Sookie’s fairy blood will help to restore Talbot from the viscous liquid he is now, to the adorable, fashion advice-giving stallion he was a few episodes back.  So, Sookie, laughing maniacally the whole time, POURS TALBOT DOWN THE SINK!

“Ick!  When’s the last time Eric had his pipes cleaned?  This place is rank!”

And that was when any hope I had of an Eric / Talbot Revenge Sex Reunion literally went right down the drain . . .

Sam’s Grand Redemption Tour

If you recall, during the last episode, a drunk and belligerent Sam made a buttload of enemies, by more or less insulting all of Bon Temps.  Then he screwed Tara . . .

Apparently, there is nothing like a good roll in the hay with someone just as f*cked up as you are, to help you see the world in a new light.  The following morning, Sam is all happy, perky, and well-adjusted.  He’s making his hot cakes, with bacon grease.  Because, “it’s all about the bacon grease.”

See, personally, I think hot cakes are all about the syrup . . . but that’s just me.

In fact, Sam is in such a good mood, he decides to give Tara a pep talk about starting a new life, and banishing the demons of her past.  (Because those who CAN do, and those who CAN’T teach . . .)  Sam also confesses to Tara that he is a shapeshifter, to which she responds “Shut the f*ck up!”

Coincidentally, “Shut the F*ck Up” just so happens to also be the title of Tara’s upcoming autobiography . . .

Once Sam is done rocking Tara’s world, he heads over to Terry’s house to apologize for calling him a headcase and firing him the night before.  When Sam finds Terry crying on the porch, he immediately thinks  its because of his own drunken rampage.

“You’re so vain.  You probably think this tantrum’s about you . . .”

As it turns out, Terry is crying tears of JOY!

Oddly enough, Terry seems to be the ONLY person living in Bon Temps who is GENUINELY HAPPY!  (Weird, I know.)  He shares with Sam his good news about his Devil Baby still being alive, and his future stepkids being OK.  But what pleased ME most was Terry’s positive report on Felix the Armadillo, who I have been worried about terribly, since he was mentioned once during Season 1 and then never again . . .

It lives!  Hooray!

Sam goes to visit Tommy next . . .

. . . but the little Doggie Dude is missing, and seems to have ransacked his living quarters.  At Merlotte’s, Sam learns that Tommy has also emptied out the ENTIRE safe of all cash.  So, Sam hunts down Tommy in the forest with his trusty gun.

 Talk about handling things the WRONG way!  It was so very obvious that Tommy took the money, because he had no other way of supporting himself, but dog fighting.  The kid can’t even READ for crying out loud!  All Sam had to do to get his money back, was rehire Tommy, and ask him to come back home.  But he didn’t.  He just threatened him . . . with a GUN!

So, when Tommy told Sam that the latter didn’t have the guts to shoot him, and walked away cash in hand, Sam called his bluff  . . . and shot him. 

Now, I know we are supposed to believe Sam KILLED his own brother over a bit of petty cash and some lame insults.  However, the scene didn’t fool me for a second.  I’m thinking Sam shot Tommy in the foot to incapacitate him.  This way, he could get back his money, and bring Tommy back home.  But, I’ve been wrong before . . .  (By the way, if both Sam and Tommy wanted to out run eachother, why didn’t each just shapeshift into a fast animal?)

Fang-intervention

“Is this thing on?”

Speaking of guns, up until this episode, Self-Righteous Witch Maxine Fortenberry was just about the last person I would have expected to purchase one.  That is, until the end of the episode, when she DID.  If you recall, last week, Maxine and Summer banded together to “save” Hoyt from the clutches of Vampire Jessica. 

Because Hoyt and Vampire Jessica are currently the cutest vampire / human couple on the PLANET . . .

 (remember, Sookie and Eric aren’t technically together . . . yet), we hope Maxine’s PLAN fails miserably.  So, far ait has.  Maxine’s Big Idea was to stage an “intervention” at Hoyt’s job . . .

Most Pathetic Attendance at an Intervention EVER!

Heading up the intervention is Hoyt’s high school guidance counselor, who has NO experience in psychological counseling whatsoever.  Hoyt, who, by the way, is looking INCREDIBLY sexy and buff, this episode . . .

 (maybe it all that vampire blood he ingested) . . . told the Intervention Crew in no uncertain terms that he loved Vampire Jessica, and anyone who didn’t approve of that, might as well get out of his life.  Mama Maxine tried to win him over with threats of disownment.  However, seeing as Hoyt is now financially independent, and has his own place, there was nothing Maxine could say to change his mind.  The fact that Maxine is such an odios poopyhead, certainly didn’t help matters .  . .Hoyt then gallantly told Summer that he wished her the best, and hope she met the perfect guy one day (a male porcelain doll, perhaps?), before stalking off. 

Later, in a very sweet scene, Hoyt surprises Jessica, by inviting her to live in a brand new apartment that he rented just for the two of them . . .

When Jess comments that she can’t live without him, Hoyt replies that she’ll never have to.  (Ummmm, yeah, except she’s IMMORTAL and your NOT, so . . .)  Logistics of vampire / human relationships aside, the way that statement was made, while the camera lingered on a strange item on Hoyt’s new living room floor, and the way the scene immediately shifted to Maxine and her “target practice” made me worry about Hoyt’s fate in a way that I haven’t before . . . particularly, since, another fairly major character from the books, unceremoniously bit the dust this week.

“My name is Jason”

Jason Stackhouse: Guardian and Protector of all things trailer trashy

After seeing the DEA piling into to squad cars, right outside the police precinct . . .

 . . . and speaking with Andy, who inadvertently revealed that there would be a raid on the trailers at Hotshot that day, Jason jumps into action.

He and Crystal head to Hotshot, to warn the all the inbreds to hide their meth and V stashes . . .

. . . though initially skeptical, the “Hotshots” eventually agree to hide their stash.  But then, a hopped-up-on-V, Crazy Felton leaps into the scene, inexplicably shooting Calvin Norris dead.  He then threatens to kill everyone, if Crystal doesn’t go with him, and leave town with the massive V stash.  Jason pulls out the classic, “You’ll have to kill me first,” line, but Crystal has other plans . . . 

I’ve gotta say, sex with Crystal must be FABULOUS.  

How else could she possibly get Jason to agree to become King of the Trailer Park?  Because that pretty much looks like the WORST JOB EVER.    Nevertheless, the position does have ONE job perk that Jason might enjoy.  This will probably be the only workplace on the planet where Jason Stackhouse is the SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM  . . .

In Other News . . .

Before I get back to Sookie, and the Main Event, lets get some of the less important (and less interesting) storylines out of the way, shall we. 

“Just keep smoking up, Tara.  Because if ANYONE needs to loosen up, it’s YOU!”

You know your character is going through a storyline dryspell, when it’s the SEASON FINALE of a show, and the most exciting thing you do during the ENTIRE HOUR is give yourself a bad haircut, one that makes you look a bit like Vanessa Huxtable from The Cosby Show.

 . . . which would be fine, if it were still 1988.

(Based on some of the message board comments, I know some of you out there really liked the new ‘do.  But it just really didn’t work for me.  Sorry!)

After not-so-subtly saying what sound like final goodbyes to Sookie and her mother (What?  NO Lafayette?), we last see Tara driving off into the sunset.  Hopefully, she’s just going to the beauty salon to FIX THAT HAIR, and isn’t gone for good . . .

Speaking of Lafayette .  . .

. . . he’s still tripping on the aftershocks of that V he took with Jesus.  And now, it’s making him see auras (?), secrets(?), hallucinations(?) — it’s hard to tell exactly what.  All I know is his visions involved Sam with blood on his hands, and an evil murderous Rene strangling, Arlene and warning Lafayette that he is INSIDE of her.  The fact that both visions are ostensibly TRUE (Sam shot his ex and her boyfriend, and, possibly Tommy.  And Arlene DOES seem to have a Devil Baby.), just makes this whole storyline even stranger.

Fearing he is going schizo like his mother, a very freaked out Lafayette seeks help from Jesus . . .

 . . . but THIS GUY comes instead . . .

The OTHER Jesus explains that Lafayette’s visions will calm down once Lafayette learns how to use MAGIC to control them.  Yes, apparently, Jesus is a WITCH . . . .

 . . . meaning, maybe, Lafayette is one too.  Geez, is ANYONE just plain human on this show, anymore?

Sookie de-friends ALL vampires on Facebook / joins Fairy Group.

“It’s complicated.”

Back at Fangtasia, Sookie is babysitting Russell still, when Alcide ARRIVES!

 . .. and he is looking so INSANELY GORGEOUS that Ginger can’t help but scream like a fangirl at the sight of him.

 .  . . OK .  . . that wasn’t why she screamed.  But that would have made a lot more sense. 

Alcide wasn’t even in werewolf form.  What the heck is so frightening about a modelesque hunk with perfect abs?  Seriously, Ginger.  Overreact much?  Did you forget you are working in the same room with someone who LITERALLY looks like this?

Anyway, apparently, Eric invited Alcide over to watch Sookie.  (This also didn’t make any sense, seeing as Eric himself appeared, just moments later.)  But, hey, no complaints here!  Alcide and Sookie flirt a bit, which is always fun to watch.  “You in trouble again?”  He asks wryly.

“When am I not in trouble,” she replies smirking.

Alcide REALLY turns on the charm.   And Sookie, who, at this point, is pretty much pissed at every other man on the show, is not immune.  “Why do you have to be such a good guy, right now?”  She asks.

“I am always a good guy,” replies Alcide matter-of-factly.

“I may be a GOOD GUY, but I can still do BAD THINGS with YOU, Miss Stackhouse!”

Unfortunately, Sookie’s and Alcide’s brief hot moment is interrupted by the return of the vamps, who have come to take Russell to his “final death.”

Still pissed, Sookie makes a point to rescind all preexisting vampire invites to her home.  This causes a smug smile to erupt on Alcide’s face, and causes Bill to glare at his would-be werewolf replacement.  “When you two are finished eye-f*cking eachother, can we go?”  Eric inquires impatiently.

(Honestly, I’d take a good eye f*ck from Alcide, any day!)

Wouldn’t you?

Outside Fangtasia, Alcide announces that his father’s debt to Eric has officially been paid off, and his time being Vampire B*tch is DONE.   Boy do we hope he’s lying, because we LOVE our, Alcide! 

“Oh, he’ll be back.  Even the toughest of werewolves can’t resist the charms of a fairy . . .”

Bill and Eric drop Russell into a cement pit.  Russell threatens that, when he gets out in 100 years (a “nap” for a vamp), he will wreak even more havoc on all of them.  Bill and Eric don’t really seem to care.

Eric is about ready to flip the switch, when Godric arrives AGAIN to bore us with his annoying pleas for peace and love.   Did you ever see those cartoons, where the angel sits on one of the main character’s shoulders, and the devil sits on the other?   But the angel is always so self-righteous and lame, that if you didn’t want to see the character sin before, you REALLY want him to sin, after the exchange is over? 

 Oh yeah, that’s Godric, in this episode . . .

Dear sweet, Godric.  You were so much more fun, when you tragically sacrificed yourself to the Sun, causing Sookie and Eric to almost have sex, as a result . . .

Ever the petulant teen, Eric disregards his “father’s good advice” and he and Bill flip the switch, covering Russell in cement.  (Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake him in the sun, when the episode started?)  Then Bill surprises Eric, by offering him a hand to shake.  However, when Eric takes that hand, Bill tosses him into the cement, and flips the switch AGAIN!

Not cool, Vampire Bill!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called “kinder, gentler” vamp, steals Eric’s cell phone, and orders a hit on Pam, impersonating Eric to do it.  Next, Bill visits Sookie, explaining to her that he has killed Eric. Furthermore, he will kill ANY vampire who has tasted her blood, or just knows that she is a fairy (like Pam), because none of these vamps will ever be able to resist her once they know.  (Ummm, Bill?  Doesn’t that definition include YOU?)

(Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a Lifetime Movie, and the crazy stalker boyfriend who’s just been dumped has uttered the oh-so-cliched “If I can’t have her, no one can!” line.)

But Sookie, ever the glutton for punishment, is obviously turned on by stalker / murderer types.  Because she rushes right back into his arms.  And then Eric magically appears . . .

 . . . looking hotter than ever, with strategically placed bits of cement on his face and in his hair. 

Question:  If both Eric and Pam (as we find out later in the episode) could break through cement in a relatively short amount of time, aren’t we to assume Russell can too?

Eric has come to get back his phone, and to tell Sookie the truth about Bill.  Apparently, not only did he EXPLICITLY court Sookie, solely at the behest of Sophie Anne, who wished to procure a fairy for her collection.  He also orchestrated the whole vampire blood drainer attack from the pilot episode, to get her to feed him her blood, thus forging the initial connection between them.

WOW!  I really didn’t think Alan Ball had it in him, given his insane and irrational love for Vampire Bill.  And yet, Ball has managed to make the Bill character EVEN MORE DEVIOUS than he was in the books!  Color me impressed!

And I have to say, my heart really went out to Sookie, who was genuinely shocked and heartbroken by this admission.  Our Favorite Fairy promptly rescinded her home invitation to both Bill and Eric once again.  She then told Bill, in no uncertain terms, that she never wants to see him again.  “Go back to Hell where you came from you f*cking undead piece of sh*t!”  She yells tearfully. 

To his credit, Eric does not appear the least bit pleased with his moral victory over the Man Who Tried to Kill Him.  And it is Eric’s genuine guilt over hurting Sookie that makes me KNOW that those two have a genuine shot together.  “It pains me to see you suffer like this.  I thought you had a right to know,” the Viking Vamp says solemnly, before quietly leaving Sookie’s property. 

The episode ends with Vampire Bill, dumped, demoralized, and with nothing to lose, challenging Sophie Anne . . .

 to a . . . flying contest?

Something tells me Vigilante Bill is going to be WAY more fun to watch than Mopey Boyfriend Bill.  Just saying . . .

Oh, and then Sookie communes with the fairies, in the cemetery, while visiting her Granny’s grave . . .

 . . . she then disappears inside the Giant Chandelier . . .

So, that was it . . . That’s all the True Blood we’re going to get, until next summer.  I for one was expecting a more action packed finale, with a few more questions answered. Honestly, this didn’t really feel like “season ending” episode to me.

 And yet, there were parts of this episode I really liked  — most notably, the return of Alcide, and the final confrontation between Sookie, Bill and Eric, which, for me, had been a LONG time coming.  Not to mention that if Season 4 of True Blood is ANYTHING like Book 4 of the series on which the show is based, then we have A LOT of fun coming our way . . . 😉

Well, that’s all I have to say about “Evil is Going On.”  Now, it’s your turn Fangbangers.  What did you think of the episode?  Were you as underwhelmed as I was?  Or was there some brilliance to it all that I missed?  Perhaps, more importantly, what do you think will happen to our favorite Bon Temps residents, next year?  And how are you planning to pass the time, until then?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

Trust me! I won’t bite! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Fresh Blood”

Eric Northman:  Making mouths (and other body parts) happy since 950 A.D.

Tonight’s episode of True Blood belonged to Eric Northman, and, by extension to Alexander Skarsgard.  He was the one calling the shots.  His lead was the one that everybody followed.  His storyline was the only one that seemed to have any significant plot development.  Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .

And yet, despite Eric’s storyline being the most intriguing and forward moving, there WERE other things going on in this episode.  And if I had to tie them together somehow, I would say they all related to the theme of “Trust” (or, in some characters’ case, a lack thereof).  So, before we get on to the MAIN EVENT, lets take a look at the opening acts.  Shall we?

Performance Enhancement

“Performance enhancement?  I don’t need any of that sh*t!  I’m Jason F*cking Stackhouse, and I PERFORM just fine, if you catch my drift . . .”

“Well . . . most of the time.”

When we last left Jason, he was coping with a “wild animal problem.”

Crystal made for a pretty funky CGI-looking panther, didn’t she?  Those of us who read this books knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less bizarre seeing it on the small screen.  And, I don’t know about you, but was I the only one who was hoping she’d be pink?

“Take me, Jason!  I’m a REAL sex kitten!  And I’ve got nine lives.  You know what that means . . .”

So, anyway, Jason is having a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around the whole “Werepanther Thing.” 

“Trailer Trash Barbie say WHAT?”

(Other things Jason has had trouble wrapping his head around:  the “addition thing,” the “subtraction thing”, the “reading books that don’t contain pictures” thing, the “having sex with more than one person in a 24-hour period makes you slutty” thing . . .)

Crystal is a bit insulted that Jason isn’t totally down with her offers of bestiality.  “I told you I had secrets.  You said you were OK with it,” she whines.

“I thought it was shoplifting or something,” argues Jason. 

Then the two resort to name-calling and petty insults.  Jason calls Crystal a “Meth Dealer’s Daughter”  . . .

 . . . and Crystal accuses Jason of not being a “man.”

“Oh no, you didn’t!”

But before any “catfights” break out, Jason detracts his claws, and apologizes for not being more understanding of Crystal’s “predicament.”  “I’m sorry, Crystal.  My brains feel like Scrambled Eggs right now,” he explains.

“Nice Jason!  Way to pick on the guy you just shot.  And I’m not ‘scrambled!”  The appropriate word is ‘decomposing,’ thank you very much!”

Then, Crystal begs Jason to help her stop the raid on her family’s meth lab, in order to “save the children.”  Jason is willing to consider it.  But right now, he has more important things to do like head to the high school football field and re-live his Glory Days  find Sookie.

While Jason is driving around searching for  Sookie, he just so happens to wind up back at his only high school football field.  (Riiiiight, because there’s nothing that murderous bloodthirsty vampires love more, than tossing around the ole’ pigskin.)  There, he spies his mancrush archrival highschool football star Kitch.

I’m sorry, but what kind of name is that?  Is that supposed to be short for “kitchen”?  Perhaps, that was where he was conceived?  Whatever, it is, I don’t like it.  Fortunately, I’ve come up with a new name for Jason’s mancrush archrival, Douchey McTeen.

So, Jason watches Douchey McTeen toss around the pigskin for a while with his minions butt buddies friends, and figures out that Douchey’s “talents” can only be attributed to one thing: excessive V usage.  Jason confronts Douchey, and is all, “That’s not FAAAAIIIIR!  You’re a CHEAATTERRR!  I’m TELLING, you stinky Poopy Head!”

 Unfortunately for Jason, everybody already seems to know about Douchey McTeens steroids V problem.  In fact, his coach, the school principal, even his own parents ENCOURAGED it.  Plus, apparently, unlike other performance enhancing drugs, V is completely undetectable through medical screening.  Poor Jason!  Douchey McTeen is going to take his high school football record away.  And without his football record, what does he have?

I stand corrected!

Summer’s Days are Drifting Away . . .

Speaking of V . . . and perpetual V cards, the adorable Hoyt has just had a taste of both, thanks to the lovely Vampire Jessica.  “I feel muscles in places I didn’t know I had,” exclaims Hoyt.

Mmmmm hmmmm, we bet you do, Lover Boy  — strong, hard . . . muscles.

Coming down off her post-coital high, Vampire Jessica FINALLY confesses to Hoyt about her little “Trucker Snack” from earlier this season.  However, she promises Hoyt that she has since learned to control her feeding, so as to prevent the death of her . . . meals.  “I can’t live on True Blood.  I need human blood.  That’s how it’s always going to be,” she insists.

“So drink me,” whispers Hoyt, as he unbuttons his shirt, illustrating the extent to which he loves and trusts his dear sweet vampire lover.

And that was when the panties of the entire female fanbase of True Blood fell to the floor. 

Jessica straddles Hoyt, and begins kissing him gently, gradually moving up his stomach, toward his neck, where she finally moves in for a big bite.  The whole thing was so hot, I swear, I almost passed out.  Way to go, you two!  May you go on to produce many very attractive vampire babies . . .

Meanwhile, Summer . . .

 . . . whose offers of biscuits, a nude body, her virginity, and lots of antiques and porcelain dolls, had failed miserably in winning over Hoyt’s heart, still had one more desperate trick up her sleeve.  And so, in the middle of the night, she runs crying to the doorstep of Hoyt’s MOTHER!

From the sound of it, Maxine Fortenberry was SO determined that her son NOT end up with the vampire that tried to eat her, she more or less HIRED Summer to seduce Hoyt away from Jessica.  Is that sick or what?  When Summer tells Maxine that she was willing to give up her virginity to her son, Maxine doesn’t even flinch (or laugh, which was what I did, when I heard that).  “I’m sure the Lord will forgive you, even if you are a sinner,” says the self-righteous witch.  “Don’t give up hope yet.  This is not over,” exclaims Maxine triumphantly.

Talk about a Bad Mommy!  I think I liked Maxine better when she was possessed by the Maenad, and obsessed with Bill Compton’s Wii Entertainment System . . .

At least THAT was a game you could win, Honey.  Because you are going to LOSE this one!  Hoyt and Jessica Forever!

She’s STILL having a baby!

Speaking of Bad Mommies . . .

. . . Arlene has been so obsessed with getting rid of her Future Serial Killer Baby . . .

. . . that she seems to have completely forgotten about her other kids!

“Please help us!  We haven’t eaten or bathed since Season 1.”

I love how Arlene commandeered Holly to help her with her “baby situation,” because she doesn’t believe in abortion.  Yes, Arlene, the man (or woman) upstairs would much rather you perform some weird Wiccan ritual to magically kill your baby, than to do it in a doctor’s office.  After cutting out early from work, Arlene follows Witch Holly . . .

. . . out into the woods.  There, the two light candles, sprinkle salt in a circle, and talk to Mother Nature (?), as well as Arlene’s deceased mother.  To complete the ritual, Arlene is told to put her own blood in a cup, and drink this nasty tasting concoction four times a day.  “We did our best. But if the baby is meant to be born, it will be born,” cautions Holly.

“What, no 100% guarantee?  Can I at least get my salt shaker back, if it doesn’t work?”

That night, Arlene has a weird dream about going fishing as a teenager.  In the dream Arlene’s mother is calling to her, but Arlene can’t see her.  She is woken up by Terry, who is freaked out, because Arlene’s nether regions are covered in a pool of blood.  When Arlene tells Terry she might have suffered a miscarriage, the poor man starts blubbering like a baby, which is so sweet, considering he KNOWS now that this isn’t his kid.

At the hospital, Terry continues to bawl, while Arlene, secretly relieved that her plan has worked, tries to prepare him for the worst.  But it’s Arlene who looks ready to cry, when the doctor comes in to deliver the news.  Future Serial Killer Baby LIVES!

Really?  With all that blood?  That is one strong baby! 

Maybe Arlene has been right about this whole “evil spawn” thing, all along!

Two Broken Souls = One Hot Screw

“Let’s make some dysfunctional shapeshifter babies together!”

So, for whatever reason, the True Blood writers have decided that Sam should have a Dark Side.  It inexplicably resurfaced two episodes ago, when Sam, with little provocation, almost beat that meth dealer to death . . .

 . . . then, last week, we learned he was a thief, a con artist and a double murderer . . .

 . . . and this week, we got to  add “mean and belligerent drunk” to this lovely list of qualities growing under Sam’s name. 

(Speaking of Sam’s name, if he was running from the law, don’t you think he should have changed it at some point, rather than . . . I don’t know . . . NAMING A BAR after it.)

So, Sam stumbles into the bar, and starts insulting his customers and staff, like it’s his job.

“Man, you’re ugly,” slurs Sam to one of his patrons.  (How’d you like to be the extra who got saddled with THAT part?)

He then calls Sweet Terry a “Shellshocked” Loser, and Arlene a B*tch.  He also FIRES his little brother Tommy, who’s crestfallen face breaks my heart, as the latter argues feebly that he has no where else to go.

“At least the Mickens always gave me dog bones to chew on.”

And then he told Sookie . . .

 . . . oh wait . . . he didn’t tell Sookie anything . . . because she wasn’t there . . . because she hasn’t worked a day since Season 1.

Eventually, Sam kicks everybody out of the bar, except Tara, because she refuses to leave.

Ummm . . . yeah, because that’s what I like to do on my days off from work – hang out at the office.

As it turns out, Tara’s been having a kind of crappy day herself.  She spends the whole morning crying in front of Eggs’ grave . . .

She then tearfully confronts Andy about his “taking credit” for Eggs’ murder.  After that, she drowns her sorrows in tequila, as her and Sam wax poetic about what not-nice people they are.  And, let me tell you, nothing says “lets bone” like a conversation in which both parties prove themselves to be total and complete a*sholes.  But bone they do, and it’s hardcore — like something straight out of a porno . . . Not that I would know ;).

“Oh yeah!  I needed a cigar after that one!”

Welcome to LaLa Land

“It’s OK.  We don’t understand our storyline either . . .”

So, while his cousin Tara was busy getting laid, Lafayette was busy . . . umm . . . NOT getting laid.  After that one trippy hit, his once holier -than-thou “Just say no to drugs” boyfriend is all about getting more V.  Jesus claims he wants to do it to “reconnect with his family.”  Right, just like those guys who say they read Playboy just “for the articles.”  But Lafayette, or, as he now calls himself, “LaLa” . . .

Lala?  But I thought Tinky Winky was supposed to be the gay one?

 .  . . is hesitant.  And that hesitation is only confirmed when he has a hallucination of Jesus looking like this . . .

Ummm . . . why is Jesus suddenly wearing the Shredder mask from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

More than a bit freaked out, “Lala” kicks Jesus out. But soon after, his toys religious figurines start dancing and talking to him again.  That will teach you to keep creepy figurines in your house, Lafayette.  You should have stuck with the Care Bears . . .

At least they won’t talk back . . .

And finally, the storyline we’ve all been waiting for . . .

Let the Sunshine In .  . .

Since you apparently lack experience in the whole sunlight thing, allow me to enlighten you.  Wearing black?  It’s only going to make you hotter.  (And you are hot enough, as it is.)  Might I suggest a certain Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater for your next daytime stroll?

When the episode begins, Beeaaallll heads to Fangtasia in search of Sookehhhhh.  Instead, Bill finds Pam, who beats him up and sprays him in the eye with silver.

Bill whines about how much he loves Sookie and blah, blah, blah.   But Pam isn’t having any of his sappy lovesick B.S.  “This isn’t about your relationship, you infatuated teen!”  She lectures.

Pam then admits to Bill that Eric plans to sacrifice Fairy Sookie to Big Gay Vampire King Russell in order to save his own life.  Meanwhile, down in the dungeon, to everyone’s surprise, the one who ACTUALLY rescues and unchains Sookie is YVETTA!

Sookie and Yvetta commiserate for a bit about what an ASS Eric is, and then they dash upstairs.  Bill then escapes with Sookie, while Yvetta absconds with the cash.  Poor Vampire Pam is left to drown her sorrows in the blood of Screaming Ginger . . .

Meanwhile, Eric is at the Jackson mansion, confronting Russell . . .

Silly, Screwed Up Russell!  Still clutching his Goblet o’ Talbot, he actually seems hurt that anyone would think to betray him in this way.  “Why did you kill Talbot?  He has done nothing to you!”   Russell whines.  (Right, Russell . . . as if that newscaster did anything to you . . .)

As someone who clearly has more patience, and less of an appreciation for the ironic than I do, however, Eric is willing to explain.  “You killed my parents, in order to obtain my father’s crown for your vast collection of meaningless sh*t,” he offers.

Meaningless sh*t, indeed.

Russell plans to kill Vampire Eric immediately, for his transgression.  However, Eric makes him an offer he can’t refuse.  The wise Viking entices Russell, with talk of vampires walking in the sun.  He asks for an extra day of life to prove he is telling the truth.  Russell agrees. 

That night, Russell and Eric literally hold up a car . . .

The car contains within it Bill and Sookie.  And the action thankfully interrupts the two from their cheesy conversation about what they would do, if they were a NORMAL couple.  (Bill as a school teacher?  PLEASE!  Mr. Compton can barely take care of Baby Vamp Jessica, let alone a classroom full of young kids he wants to eat.)

Sookie looks genuinely  freaked out that two  vampires are “high” jacking her car.  Bill just looks bored . . .

Russell and Eric hop in the car, and the foursome head back to Fangtasia.  There, Vampire Eric stages a fake fight with Bill, so that he can inform the latter of his ingenious, but risky, plan to save Sookie and kill Russell, in the process.  Meanwhile, Russell drags Sookie inside. 

At Fangtasia, Eric explains to Russell that Sookie is part-fairy, and that fairy blood is, as Sookie so eloquently put it, some form of vampire sunscreen . . .

Eric also admits that he learned this important piece of information from Vampire Bill, who spent some time in the sun after ALMOST KILLING Sookie!

Sookie is not pleased about these recent developments, as they, once again, illustrate Vampire Bill’s penchant for lying to her, and keeping secrets from her.  Unfortunately, however, Sookie doesn’t really have a say in what’s about to happen to her next.  The Fairy Waitress is forced to lay flat on a bar table.  The oh-so-gallant Russell, waits for Eric to take the first bite.  However, Eric hesitates, undoubtedly, thinking about “other” things . . .

Eventually, Russell grows impatient and takes the first bite himself, with Eric reluctantly following suit.  So much blood is taken, that Sookie eventually falls unconscious . . .

Pam and Eric then head off to a backroom to set up the security cameras, and prepare Eric to take his first walk outside, thus proving to Russell that it can be done.  An unusually emotional and vulnerable Pam cries tears of blood, at the prospect of losing her maker to the Sun.  “You know I love you more, when you are cold and heartless,” whispers Eric into Pam’s ear, as he brings her in for an affectionate hug.

I LOVE THESE TWO!

With a final goodbye to Pam, Eric takes his first steps outside, and gets a bit emotional, as he meets the Sun for the first time in centuries.  Russell watches in awe and with anticipation, from the security cameras inside Fangtasia. 

Just as Eric’s skin begins to burn, Pam cajoles Russell to follow Eric outside.  Eric turns his head away, praying in an ancient tongue that Russell will not see that he is burning and ruin the whole plan.  When Russell DOES begin to burn, Eric handcuffs himself to the Big Gay Vampire King, and attaches them both to the floor, his once beautiful face now hideously scarred.  “Now we will die together,” Eric says ominously.

We hear Russell’s pitiful screams, as the final credits roll. 

(Wait, couldn’t Eric have just chained Russell to a post and ran back inside?  I don’t really get the whole “dying together thing.”  It seems a bit overdramatic, if you ask me.  It makes for a good ending though . . .)

So, there you have it, the last episode of True Blood, before the Season 3 finale, which is set to air in two weeks.  What did you think?  Are you a fan of the new Dark Drunk Sam?  Are you as confused by “LaLa’s” storyline as I am?  Can you imagine a True Blood without Vampire Eric?  I mean . . . obviously . . . he’s going to survive . . . right?

See, you in two weeks, fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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