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Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

let me out big

let me in

stiles upward looking

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

eichen house

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

hanging three

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

the bug

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

gonna get you

 

stab

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

oliver

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

344_bag_of_nuts

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 

funny-gif-Yoda-dancing-stormtroopers

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

no idea what im doing

Simpler-minded . . .

ephemeral

Less complex . . .

ep 8 scotts bowl sunshower 80

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

lets put our heads together

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

stiles sad 1

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

more dancing stiles

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

i dont like this

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

dad thinks one

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

trust scott

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

never get out

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

nogitsune teeth

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

forgetting

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

no sleep

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

hanging self 1

 

hanging self

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

eli says happy birthday

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

nodding oh yeah

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

angry bird

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

take off shadow

 

ep 9 obviously stiles

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

trademark scott face

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

nurse ratched

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

another oliver

 

hi stiles

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

another oliver again

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

a third oliver

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

yet another o

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

drlling

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

jesus one

 

jesus 2

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

last supper

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

you cant sit with us

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

my queen

 

“My queen!”

my fist

“My fist!”

punching

Then again, maybe not . . .

that all went a lot better in my head

 

hate coyot

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

picture of the wolf

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

basement

 

memoris

 

aliceinwonderland

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

pretty paper

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

stiles in strife

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

internet derek 2

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

a lot like death

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

have some drugs

 

or ill give you other drugs

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

hallucinating

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

naked

 

cant get warm

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

know who i am

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

fighting

 

key pass

 

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

why does everyone keep

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

teeth

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

finger

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

more funny

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

ooh

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

huh

 

angry

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

talk dirty

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

frumpy mom

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

my trusty bat

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

hes not cute

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

picture

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

brain

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

talking

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

hungry

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

yumm

 

kiss

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

sex me now

 

sexing

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

hand porn one

 

hand porn two

 

hand porn three

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

crying stiles in hos

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

winky stiles

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

stiles with wolf hat

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

backne

 

improved backne

 

stiles approves

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

stiles and dad

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

this is silly

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

dylan growl

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

et tu olive

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

sucks for m

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

tied up

 

crying

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

blue eyes

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

sterek comfort

 

lyd screams

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

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The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

hungry

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

la loba

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

derek body

Source

clap

And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

electroshock therapy

electrifying

boo nolan

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

vlcsnap-2014-01-14-19h17m35s198

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

weel keeel

mr_clean

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

sour wolf

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

ep 7 in spanish

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

keen werewolf senses

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

throw mama from the train

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

frumpy mom

tyra

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

mr. stubborn

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

thumbkin

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

ahh stiles

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

dorm

love college

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

le douche

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

malia dad

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

nodding oh yeah

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

you knew that

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

research for boyi so want to hit that

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

my daughter totally wants to hit that

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

she absolutely wants to hit this

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

heart of darkness

And we all know what happened to her . . .

evil jenny

darach

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

big bad

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

what about you

reading is hard

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

falling words

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

not a tumor

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

make it stop please

ignore problem

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

no extra digits

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

no dont pull down your pants

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

i so want to hit that

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

hes-just-not-that-into-you-photo

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

i want my doll

“I want my doll!”

baby doll stealing

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

malia

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

flick

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

i want my doll scary doll

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

always been the alpha

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

raining bullets

im back braeden

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

soon dead

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

drowning matt

Or Kali . . .

kali

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

mr harris

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

growly boyd

noticing me

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

job

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

evil peter pan

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

lightbulb-idea

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

negativity and scarf

isaac scarf

Source

You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

sexy derek face

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

here i go again

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

dangerous minds

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

big shoot

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

ep 6 alpha

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

baby simba

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

take it like a bitch

what he said

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

wham bam

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

is this the part where i turn green or gorilla y

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

smash 2

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

priest

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

yummy

this is embarrassig

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

eating

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

dont shoot

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

busted

“Busted.”

home shopping network

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

cute dog

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

good day for dead coyote

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

girls together

i just want to be loved

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

big bad of this ep

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

and another one down

And another one down . . .

another one down

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

so tired

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

alli

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

makethemwonder143

Source

And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

halloween scaring kids silent-boulevard

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

alpha now

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

why am i naked

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

i did it

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

your pretty daughter

hugs

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

i can read

ep 10 happy stiles

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

mountain ash

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

mountain ash

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

pretty

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

firefly people

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

 hi stiles

 

 

 

 

 

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