Tag Archives: flashback

Apocalypse Eventually? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Because the Night”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  And welcome to the End of the World!

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The Heroes have failed.  The Bad Guys have won.  And the Apocalypse is imminent.

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Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .

wait here

Still waiting .  . .

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Any minute now .  . .

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It’s coming .  . .really . . . I promise . . .

3 3 bored honour in

*whistles uncomfortably*

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Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW?  I meant NEXT WEEK!

worst apocalypse ever

This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .

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Elena gets a haircut. . .

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And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]

Bloody Big Apple

1977

It’s 1977 in New York City.  Disco isn’t dead yet.  Bell bottoms are still cool.  And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.

dead damon

victims

Or is there?

swak

*slurp, slurp . . .*

That’s right, boys and girls.  Different decade.  Same old vampire tricks . . .

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And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be.  Because, he’s just cool like that.

damon eternal stud

Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.”  When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .

Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”

But this one came a close second.  What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?

A Silas Hunting We Will Go

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defans jeremy hulk

When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.

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This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.

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Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .

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Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .

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And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life.  After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.

calories

bite

But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map.  And he buys her expensive things.  (DREAMY!)

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my little pony

ride the pony

Did I mention he has an accent?

That’s right, Klaroline fans.  Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field .  . .

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. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . .  .

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from the group geometry lesson .  . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .

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. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode .  . .

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Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans.  And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . .  .

santa klaus

He REJECTED HER!

angry caroline

“As IF!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself, here.  For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .

The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .

A New York Sh*tty Flashback

This one time .  . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .

rawr damon

So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.

bed elena

And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .

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Good ole, Lexie!  Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex.  This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.

lexie damon

But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.

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Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch?  From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!

suck face

And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap.  (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)

the kat eating apple petrova gifs

But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex .  . .

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And then those bastards cut to commercial!

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Oh the humanity!

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Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS!  They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?!  COME ON!  Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!

spoby sex

Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.

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But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’

the show

Feeding Family Style

Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER.  (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)

phone 1

STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

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DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job?  I don’t want to have to listen to this.  What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping?  I’m contacting SAG!”

I like Elena’s new look . . . I do.  And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week.  She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.

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My one gripe?  This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes.  I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.

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But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip.  You guys remember Will from last week?

its will dying

Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .

Ding! Ding! Ding!  Katherine Petrova, that’s right!

the kat thank me brought cure

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So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast.  Sounds easy, right?

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The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure .  . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.

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Woah!  Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?

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Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .

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Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah.  She wants it more than anyone else.  Why shouldn’t she get it?

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And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .

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So, to review, Damon is playing Elena.  Elena is playing Damon.  And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .

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Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses.  (Score 1 for Damon).

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Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).

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But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands.  (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).

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Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!!  (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).

got to be kidding

In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.

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(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)

Talk about Vampire Girl Power!

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Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style

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“Hey, I just met you.  And now you’re crazy . . .”

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“So I’ll call all my witch friends .  . .”

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“And kill you, maybe?”

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.

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Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!

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exist to me

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Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.

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So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious?  Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.

nodding oh yeah

As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .

white eyes

beautiful eyes haha

Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT!  Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”

draco malfoy facepalm

To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie!  We’ll just kill Bonnie.  We were half way there, anyway . . .”

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(Sounds like a plan to me!)

Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans.  Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .

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.  .  . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).

And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.

Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.

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Caroline is SAD.  Caroline is VULNERABLE.  Caroline wants comfort.  In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .

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. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .

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Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus.  It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!

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P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.

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This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN.  Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .

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Bushwack . . . ing off?

Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .

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BASTARD!

Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?

Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?

Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Toby’s Doo Rag and Other Signs of the Impending Apocalypse – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno”

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Something is rotten in the state of Rosewood . . .

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Spencer is neglecting her studies?

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Paige is stepping out on Emily . . . with Caleb?

mona is watching

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Hanna is going out to gay bars?

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Fitzy’s a daddy?

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Dead Ali might have been pregnant?

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And yet none of these things are quite as shocking and horrifying as this image . . .

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BabyScared

Be afraid, my Pretties . . . be very afraid.  The world as we know it clearly has ended.  Let’s review, shall we?

I Dream of Evil . . .

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Poor Spencer . . . even her sex dreams end up being a Pain in the Neck . . .

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Spencer’s episode-opening nightmare provides us viewers an interesting peak into the psyche of the tightest-wound of the Little Liar Crew.  On one hand, she is unable to rid herself completely of her romantic (and sexual) feelings for Abs Toby.  After all, he’s still her first true love, the man to whom she gave her virginity.  And let us not forget THOSE ABS!

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big abs

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And yet, on the other hand, Spencer knows better than anyone how dangerous this person is . . . how evil and deceitful.  He’s betrayed her in a way that is deeply personal, and unfathomably painful.

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Is it any wonder that girlfriend is going a wee bit crazy, right now?

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Speaking of coping with a Case of the Crazies . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

For a show that usually seems to only feature parental units, when they are being creepy, suspicious, absentee or judgmental .  . . (and sometimes all of the above)

prettylittleliars_dad

*clears throat*

 . . . this week’s installment of PLL sure did seem to showcase a lot of (sort of) positive parent/child interaction.  Like, for instance, Emily’s mom seemed appropriately concerned for her daughter’s mental and emotional help, when the latter got a package from the family of her girlfriend’s killer, which, oddly enough featured a bunch of personal cards and letters she wrote to the first dead love of her life, Ali.

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“Can I offer you a hug?  Or perhaps a cookie?”

Hanna’s mom offers to switch Hanna out of classes with Mona at school.  This way, even if the latter continues to terrorize and try to kill her, at least it won’t bring down Hanna’s grades!

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Way to have those priorities in order, Mommy Dearest!

Aria’s dad finally admits he’s been a super crappy parent to Aria . . . you know, by cheating on her mom, and asking her to lie about it . . .  being aggressively manipulative toward her boyfriend . . .  accusing her and her friends of trying to burn a teacher to death . . .  leaving her home alone with his looney tunes girlfriend, who tried to poison and kill her . . . and, apparently, being too cheap to heat the house, when she was a baby?

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But hey, admitting you suck is half the battle, right?

The Ali Diaries, Part 26

For a girl who literally thought she was too cool for school, Ali was quite the prolific writer, wasn’t she?  I mean there are notebooks upon notebooks out their detailing every mean conversation she’s ever had with anyone at all!

immortality my darlings

Personally, I’m thinking Ali did all this writing in hopes that her life story would one day be made into a movie starring Kristen Stewart.  But that’s just me . . .

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At their regular morning  Previously on Pretty Little Liars Meeting at the coffee shop, the girls (minus Spencer, who is already on the train to Crazy Town, and, therefore, cannot attend the meeting) pore over Ali’s most recent memoirs, which they find in an old Biology notebook, from Emily’s secret stash.

biology notebook

In the notebook, Ali talks to someone who isn’t Emily about some “beach hottie” from whom she was hiding . . . wait for it . . .a DEEP DARK SECRET . . .

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But who could this elusive Beach Hottie be?  Was it THIS GUY?

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He certainly liked to Hang Out with Ali, back in the day .  . . (Get it?   Hang out?  I guess you had to be there.)

Perhaps, it was that guy who randomly taught her how to fly a plane in one episode?  Or maybe it was Aria’s dad?

byron ali

One person it definitely not was Abs Toby.  Why?  Because he spent that summer in juvie, dressed up like a weird shirtless pirate, or the maid from an old seventies sitcom . . .

pirate toby

“For your information, I happen to be playing Smee in the juvenile detention of Peter Pan.”

smee

“Raise the Roof, Dawg!”

We learn about Ali’s unceremonious visit to Jailhouse Toby, in which she accused him of writing her “A” letters (He denied it, of course), via flashback.  And yet, part of me kind of wished we got to read about it in Ali’s diary instead.  Because, let’s face it, we all know Ali would have had some hilarious things to say about the pair of women’s pantyhose he chose to wear on his head, while he was speaking to her . . .

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In the school potty room, Emily tries to re-awaken Spencer’s recently dormant sleuthing gene, by showing her Ali’s Diary-Masquerading-as-a-Biology-Notebook. But Spencer’s not having it, AT ALL.  In fact, she implies that Ali was a Big Fat Ho, who probably deserved whatever “Beach Hottie” dished out at her expense, whoever the f*&k he was . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Ouch!

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Emily’s a bit horrified by this newer, darker, Spencer.  In fact, I think a part of her is a bit relieved when her friend finally breaks down and cries, admitting that she and Toby broke up.

toby and i broke

“Phew,” Emily thinks to herself.  “You’re just depressed.  For a second there I was worried that you were going to give up dedicating your whole life to solving the two-year old murder of the girl who treated us all like crap . . .”

Speaking of people who are now dedicating their lives to a dead girl . . . and a Crazy Mona . .

Well that’s one mystery solved . . .

paige and caleb

“WHAT DID YOU SAY, CALEB . . . HANNA’S BOYFRIEND?  YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT A GAY BAR . . . AND NOT TELL HANNA.  OK!  WHAT?  NO, I’M NOT INTENTIONALLY TALKING LOUD, SO HANNA COULD HEAR ME.  WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?”

So, remember that time when someone put a yummy cow’s brain in Mona’s locker?

mad cow

And most people thought either (1) Lucas did it, (2) Mona did it to herself, or (3) that random kid who’s bike Toby sabotaged did it?

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Well, it turns out, the answer was “D, none of the above.”  Caleb was the culprit!

wtf caleb

It makes sense, when you think about it.  After all, didn’t the guy LIVE at the school for a few months, back when he was homeless and broke . . . before he found out he had a magically rich mom?  Of course, he’d manage to obtain access to the keys to any rooms containing edible stuff!  Boy’s gotta eat, right?

chili cheese

Then again, it’s also possible that he killed the cow with his bare hands, before giving it a lobotomy, and shoving his handiwork in the most evil A team member’s locker . . .

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Just a thought.

Anywhoo, Hanna overhears Paige’s end of her conversation with Caleb, and decides to do a little late night sleuthing of her own, to see what her boyfriend and Emily’s girlfriend are plotting.

hanna says not

This is Spencer’s brain on The Crucible

scary spence

“I want to eat that kid’s brain, and crush his skull with my fingernails.”

Given her already emotionally volatile state, perhaps Arthur Miller’s The Crucible . . . a story about a group of women, who are accused of witchcraft, and ultimately burned at the stake . . . all because of one evil b*tch, and her team of sycophants, wasn’t the best book for her to read.  Spencer totally flips out in English class!  Then, she storms out of the room, as a horrified Ella Montgomery stares after her in confusion.

dont want to be here

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“Was it something I made you read?”

Speaking of bad messages, Spencer gets a text on her phone, supposedly from Aria, which claims that Fitzy broke up with her, because she finally told him he had a love child with the girl from the show Alex Mack . . .

alex-mack

“Our baby will be magical, and have the ability to turn into green goo.”

Girlfriend is HOPPING MAD on Aria’s behalf.  And so, without a second thought, Spencer rushes off to find Fitzy at a random picnic table behind the high school.  Though, honestly, I’m not quite sure why he’s there.  Having an important conversation with a squirrel, perhaps?

ezra squirrel

baby squirrel courage-dear-one

Spencer REALLY let’s Fitzy have it for doing Aria dirty.   And it’s a really powerful moment.  I mean, wouldn’t we all like to have a loyal friend like Spencer to tell off our ex boyfriends in situations like this?

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Except, there’s one problem . . . Fitzy never dumped Aria .  . . because he didn’t know she was keeping his lovechild a secret from him . . . until now . . .

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Way to let the illegitimate bastard child out of the bag, Spencer . . .

214 timing is everything spencer bridgeteeski

Speaking of uncomfortable encounters, Fitzy just wanders right into the cafeteria while Aria is eating lunch.  (Is there NO security at this school at all?), and asks her point blank IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL, if he has a kid.

ezria

ARIA:  “What?  You actually believed that? Oh that Spencer, she is such a kidder.  April Fools . . . in February!”

Now, whatever your personal feelings about Ezria, you have to credit where credit is due.  Fitzy handled this whole thing surprisingly well, under the circumstances.  Though he expresses disappointment with Aria for not being honest with him, he ultimately doesn’t actually break up with her over her truth withholding.  By the conclusion of the episode, he’s accepted responsibility for what’s happened, confronted the mother of his child, and agreed to go see his son, and possibly take part in his life.

Who would have thought I guy with a penchant for dating teenagers could end up being such an adult, himself?  What can I say?  I’m proud of you, EzzyBoo!

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Speaking of pride . . . well . . . gay pride . . .

Hanna’s Surprise Foray into Lesbianism

paige and girl

When Hanna follows Paige to what she believes is the secret Anti-A Lair she shares with Caleb, imagine her surprise when she finds Paige hitting on that chick from the PLL web series.  Ducking to avoid being spotted by Paige, Hanna inadvertently finds herself close dancing with this chick, who bought her one of the “pink drinks” (sex euphemism?) earlier in the hour.

hanna gets hit on

Emily would be so proud of her bestie / former roommate!

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At least until the part where Hanna gets into a bar brawl with the girlfriend of her Pink Drink Purchaser!

drink dumped

“You B*TCH!  Now, I’ll never get to find out what a ‘pink drink’ tastes like!”

hanna upset

Maybe Hanna wouldn’t make for such a good lesbian, after all.  Off to the pokey you go, girl!  But not to worry!  Emily is waiting for you there . . .

Beach Hottie = Deputy Douchey?

shirtless D Douchey

“You again?  Don’t you ever leave?”

Thanks to a conveniently placed picture in the cryptic Biology notebook, Emily learns that Ali’s secret penpal was none other than Snake Murderer Cece!

mamas proud enter cece drake

Upon visiting That Other Blonde, Emily learns that Ali was possibly PREGNANT . . .

miss teenage pregnancy

 . . . Beach Hottie was the possible father . . .

offended emily

 . . . and he may have killed Ali, rather than let her reveal the secret!

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Now, that’s some pretty big gossip!  But it’s nothing compared to what the girls find out, when Emily goes to turn over the information to Deputy Douchey and the rest of squad of Keystone Cops.  Get this, Deputy Douchey spent the summer at Cape May with Ali and Cece.

Could Deputy Douchey be the Beach Hottie?

2 12 deputy douchey

Here’s a better question.  Doesn’t ANYONE on this show (aside from Caleb . . . and Emily) date females their own age?

In other news, Spencer sort of / kind of tells Aria she deserved to be ratted out to Fitz, regarding the whole secret love child thing . . .

wants to hurt

oh hell to the no

Then, the “Smartest” Little Liar further cements her shame spiral by . . . EATING A TV DINNER . . .

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 . . . having a good old-fashioned Ugly Car Cry . . .

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  . . . and meeting some creepy older dude in a diner / giving him Toby’s key?

pi one

pi two

Oh dear!  It looks like someone is in serious need of a friend-tervention!  Where are those girls from Glee, when you need them, right?

lady humm called

Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Emily gets hypnotized and goes after Dead Ali with a shovel?  More importantly, I find out where I can buy myself a Hanna Marin Bobble Head, like the one the Girl in the Red Jacket blow torched at the end of the episode.  Come on!  Don’t pretend you don’t want one!

bobble heads

Until next time, my Pretties!

2 18 wave goodbye nikkilovesmakeup

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Damon Salvatore is a Babe Magnet . . . Literally – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We’ll Always Have Bourbon Street”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you.  You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.

paul super

Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .

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Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting.  These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .

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Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .

2 16 caroline j baker

Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving .  . .

bloody elena

Matt has the power of Magical Waitering.  I’m not quite sure how it works.  I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.

The Last Day

Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .

tyler points

Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .

tortured-stefan

Why am I telling you all this, you ask?

Simple.  It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power.  Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him.  That’s right, boys and girls.  Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .

damon eternal stud

After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it?  It effects your bodily responses, not your brain.  It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion.  At least, that’s what they’re  telling us this week.  Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.

damon-compels-caroline-gif

And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?

Let’s review, shall we?

[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]

Delena Sex 2.0 – Now with more belly kisses!

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I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex.  Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.

sparkling-edward-cullen-wallpaper

Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .

spike-on-buffy

Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.

stayed for the show

And that’s how we started this week’s episode.  I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week.  Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!

In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess.  But, you know . . .

Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .

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I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep.  Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face.  To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.

1 21 bag head pics

Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .

Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem.  That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal.  In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep  . . .

sleeping damon yum

wake up damon

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Things only got better from there.  Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on!  We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).

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They smile at eachother, with this look that says, we just f*&ked eachothers’ brains out, and all is right in the world.

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And, before you know it, they are at it again . . .

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Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in  . . . well . . . ever.  Sire Bond, Schmire Bond.  If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it.  After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.

From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.

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Not that I’m complaining, or anything . . .

And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome.  Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.

coupley

Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.

But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”

awkwardness

awkward post sex

Here’s a hint, Damon.  If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower .  . .

By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now?  Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week.  Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.

staroline

Now, that would be an interesting twist!  Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!

klaus tums

“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”

We need to talk . . .

Smug.  That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing.  In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.

stefan shrug

But, alas, Damon restrains himself.  And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond.  (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!)  Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do.  If she can do it, she’s sired.  If not, not.  It’s that simple.

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Or is it?

Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood.  And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too.  I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.

damon and matt

Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .

leave him alone

So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says.  At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .

Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school  And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”

blood bag

blue balls

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works.  Elena, of course, is thrilled.  Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!

school hug

“Now, can we have sex?”

Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time.  But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency.  Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .

2 16 matt wtf face

Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.

damon soulful crying

And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .

dawson-crying_edt

Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1.  I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario.  In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this.  “Hey Elena.  That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now.  That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”

2 16 delena up closer

All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .

Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian

With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode.   So, I’m going to summarize it as such.

tyler crack

Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.

If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids.  But apparently, another one has magically appeared.  And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER .  . .  Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .

unturned

kim and guy

“I’m calling PETA!”

At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events.  And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew.  It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise.  They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”

im the alpha cameronbaum

(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass.  Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)

freaking hungry

Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond.  You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.”  (Geez!  Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?)  And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, Ty-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.

2 3 bacon

Now, that’s what a call a Nice Girl . . .

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Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley.  Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .

In slightly less awesome news . . .

Another Brick in the Wall . . .

As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .

period piece damon 1

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. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did.  For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural.   It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud!  I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.

Aside from that, HELLO!  MARDI GRAS!  FAT TUESDAY!  That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.

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Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .

must be thurs

I wanna do real bad things with you . . .

But enough griping.  Let’s focus on what actually happened.  Shall we?

Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon.  Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.

made a meal

Odd right?  Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother.  You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap!  Not again!  Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”

Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.

not that into you

oh hell to the no

You know what that tells me?  Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .

You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink.  Talk about someone with anger management issues.  But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.

Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD.  But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond.  Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .

vampire elena

Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond.  Talk about the power of suggestion!

Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE .  . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!

lightbulb-idea

As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work.  And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely.  He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again.  I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .

lexi shortcake

Oh look!  It’s Lexi Fruitcake!

strawberry shortcake

I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf.  I mean, come on!  How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?”  It’s exhausting . . .

Speaking of exhausting . . .

Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?

Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another.  So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.

friends cuddle

Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons?  Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon.  Go figure!  Maybe all that “Spirit Tea” (Come on TVD!  Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY!   Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .

sleepy bonnie

Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t.  But it would be a start.

Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1.  Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis.  Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .

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speed dancing

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But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there.  (Can vampires even get STDs?)

love bathtub

The comment infuriates Elena.  And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more.  Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon .  . .

admits to sex

rough sex

. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises.  YEAH!  YOU GO GIRL!  YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH!  I know I will . . .

need to leave

Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their  exile.  Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .

Alls well that ends witchy . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people.  AWK-WARD!

witch lady

witch mom

Want to see things get more uncomfortable?  Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t.  Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic.  Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to?  Maybe . . .

But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet.  It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!

go team delena

After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another.  Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!

human feelings

But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again.  I don’t know.  That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?

nodding oh yeah

You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal.  Like, for example, “Hey Elena.  Here’s a thought.   When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you.  You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it.  Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . .  You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”

Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?

shakes head

And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house.  I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?

party crashers

“Hi neighbor!  We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks?  I meant STAKES!”

Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline  .  . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .

kidnapped

“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”

Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler.  And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .

3 2 tyler vampire bittenby

Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively.  But, alas,  it is to no avail.  Elena then calls Tyler for help.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  Tyler’s on Team Delena too!  (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!)  He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT,  not how you feel.

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And though I like that idea,  because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .

happy elena

. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me.  I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .

Dominance and Submission

During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle.  For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.

take me

3 1 jealousy caroline facenodefeat

To which, Caroline inevitably responds, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!  Elena!  Elena!  Elena!”

lucky air

Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked.  She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.

As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee.  Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees.  (KINKY!)

stabb

all on knee

“Shhh.  We’re not really supporting Tyler.  We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce.  And our legs are tired.”

 It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.

game of thrones funny

In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .

Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones.  And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you.  Your parents are dead anyway.  So, I basically got you to work for free.”

eye roll

Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents.  And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her.  But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago.  And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.

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After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves.  He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him.  You can see it on his face.  He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed.  And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.

fighting for 2

But here’s a surprise.  For once, it’s Elena whose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.”  It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW.  It’s who knows about the sire bond.  And doesn’t care.  And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”

feel wrong

And how does Damon respond?

Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers!  Haha, sucks doesn’t it!

Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .

Until next time!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

“And I will try to fix youuuuuu.” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “My Brother’s Keeper”

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really happening

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Oh yeah, Caroline . . . it’s happening, all right!

Oh, my dear sweet Fangbangers!  How I’ve missed you, during this one week interminable hiatus.  And what an episode to come back to!  Let’s see, there was another Miss Mystic Falls Pageant, Mini Gilbert hopped a ride on the Crazy Train, Klaus got all mushy gushy over a teeny tiny bird with a big nose, and . . . wait . . . I know I’m forgetting something.  Hmmm . . . what could it be?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Was it about Nosebleed Bonnie?

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Nahh . . . she wasn’t even in this episode.  Good riddens!

How about that dead hybrid from last week?  Did he return as zombie to exact revenge on our Scooby Gang?

finn zombie

Nope . . . not him either.

Oh, I remember now! DAMON AND ELENA HAD SEX . . . WITH EACH OTHER.

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THEY BONED.  THEY WERE NAKED.  SHIRTS WERE RIPPED.  BODICES WERE TORN.

lively elena

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DAMON ROAD THAT NEWBIE VAMP ALL THE WAY TO POUND TOWN . . .

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stayed for the show

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I’ve really gotta lay off on the capital letters . . . and the caffeine.

not sure how to stop

Anywhoo . . . let’s rewind a little bit, so we can see how it all went down.  [By the way, welcome back, Andre! Many thanks for the rockin’ screencaps . . .]

Stefan and Caroline: Gossip Girls

sad stef

“She dumped me, Bro!  And now I have this strange urge to write bad poetry, and cheesy diary entries, while showing off my muscular physique to no one in particular.”

gossip girl

“Wait . . . don’t you do that every week?”

Everybody needs a good girlfriend.  And I’m not speaking in a romantic context either.  We all need someone we can call, after a bad day, who will listen to us, while we bitch and moan about our mean teachers, our awful bosses, and our inconsiderate significant others . . . someone who will say to us, “Hey Girl!  You are SO right.  That guy of yours is total toolbox.  You can do so much better than him” . . . even if it isn’t exactly . . . like . . . true and stuff.

that betch

“That bitch!  I’m going to totally kick her ass.  How dare she dump one bloodthirsty vampire for another one?  I’m going to really give her a piece of my mind . . . once I get back from my hot date with the evilest, most bloodthirsty vampire on the planet.”

Damon used to have that with Alaric . . .

team bad ass

. . . you know, before Alaric went psycho and started trying to murder Damon on a regular basis.  Stefan sort of had that with his boy toy Klaus.

klefan

“You can be my bodyguard.  And I can be your long lost pal.  I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can CALLL MEEEE KLAUUUUSSSS, call me Klaus.”

But, let’s be honest, their relationship was always more homoerotic than it was mutually supportive.  So, as much as I was annoyed by Caroline’s and Stefan’s “Mean Girls” act this week, seeing Stefan bitch and complain about being dumped by Elena to Caroline was probably the most “human” thing I’ve seen the guy do in about three seasons.

iron pump

Make that the second most Human Thing.  Looking goood, Steffy!

For once, Stefan wasn’t busy being either “good and honorable” or “ravenous and psychotic.”  He was just the girl who didn’t get asked to the prom by the high school quarterback.  So, instead, he stayed home crying to his girlfriends (who also didn’t have dates), while shoving Ben & Jerry’s ice cream down his throat.

stefan crying gif

Well, except for the fact that given how ripped Saint Stefan is, it’s pretty clear to me that Paul Wesley has never met Ben or Jerry, in his entire life.

stefan shrug

But hey . . . it’s a start right?

Speaking of Mean Girls, whoa Caroline!  When exactly did your Season 1 self come back to literally bite you in the ass?  For someone who spent the entire episode bitching about how much Elena had changed, since she went full on vamp, Caroline sure was acting like someone other than the Perky Little Vampire Barbie we had all come to know and love.  Perhaps, Bonnie’s absence left an opening in the show’s obligatory “Judgy Girl / Cockblock Quota.”

2 16 caroline j baker

Whatever the reason, Caroline was 100% Regina Georging Elena for most of the episode, disregarding her choice of men, her choice of clothes (more on that later), and even her personality.  Honestly, I kept waiting for Elena to show up at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant wearing sweat pants, so that Caroline could banish her from the lunch table.

mean girls really pretty

Oh wait . .  . I forgot, these kids only actually attend school once every two months.  So, lunch tables are not an option . . .  In other romance news . . .

Klaus whispers sweet nothings in Stefan’s ear, causing sexual frustration  in our “hero”

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That Klaus sure is one kinky vamp, isn’t he?  Here we have Stefan, in his tight bodice-busting wife beater tee, just brooding, and minding his own business.  Then, out comes Klaus to put his big manly arms around Stefan, place his lips near his neck, and whisper in his ear, all the naughty things he will do to him, if Stefan doesn’t obey the elder vampire’s desires (i.e. make Jeremy a mass murderer so the Etch-a-Sketch on his arm produces more of those pretty pictures Klaus adores so much . . . but no ponies, unfortunately).

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Talk about tough love!  A ridiculously small part of me really did believe that these two were going to hump, right there in the woods like the sexy savage beasts they are.  But instead, Klaus leaves Stefan with a massive case of these . . .

blue balls

Dumped by his girlfriend, denied by his gay lover, can you really blame Stefan for being a little snippy with his brother, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome?

pissy face

DAMON:  “You’re bitchy today!  Who crawled up your ass and died?”

STEFAN: “Not Klaus or Elena, that’s for sure.”

DAMON: “Bummer, you should see if Matt Donovan is free . . .”

My how the tables have turned!  This time around it’s Stefan, offering up the half-cocked, impulsive plan that’s going to put everyone’s lives in jeopardy, while Damon is being the more conservative one, opting in favor of protecting Jeremy’s life and his sanity, over the quick fix of using his hunter mark to rescue Elena, no matter how many people get hurt in the process.

damon face

“I know, it kind of surprised me too.”

And while for three seasons, Damon has bore the brunt of his Elena-sized rejection with quiet broodiness, and pleasant self-deprecation, Stefan is just one big ole’ sour grape about the whole thing.  “Don’t pretend like this isn’t the best day of your entire life,” Stefan remarks snidely, when Damon expresses sympathy toward his brother over the breakup.

douchebag jar misomeru

In Stefan’s defense, while Damon might look calm and collected on the outside, upon hearing this news, on the inside, I suspect he’s doing this . . .

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 . . . and this . . .

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. . . and maybe even a little of this . . .

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Meanwhile, back at the pageant . . .

This is your brain on Professor Boo Radley (and these are your muscles on Vampire Hunter Steroids) . . .

more big muscles

“GRRRRR!”

big muscles

“Rawrrrrrrrr”

hey ladies

Matty LIKE!

Apparently, having a new nifty new tattoo has turned Jeremy into the frat party version of a super hero.  He LIFTS HEAVY KEGS with a single orgasmic grunt.  Matt pretends to be concerned about Jeremy’s “mental health” and stuff.  But you know that deep down he’s impressed, kind of jealous, and a little bit turned on . . .

Meanwhile, even feuding femme fatales, Caroline and Elena, agree that Professor Boo Radley is mega creepy, and always seems to be putting his annoyingly curly head of hair where it isn’t wanted.  Therefore, it’s a kind of a good thing Damon wants to kill him, right?

annoying shane

He even has serial killer eyebrows . . .

Speaking of making a killing . . .

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, MURDER!

Stefan’s scouring the hospital for humans with a very specific set of medical conditions.  At first, I assume that this little hunting trip was brought on by breakup-induced stress eating . . .

freaking hungry

But nope. Stefan’s looking for “bad people” to turn, just like Elena was looking for “bad frat brothers” to much on, during her campus excursion with Damon, a few weeks back.  After all, everyone knows that Bad People taste better (much more flavor!).

eat him for sport

Stefan finds what he’s looking for in a hospitalized killer who completely lacks remorse for his misdeeds.  You know, kind of like Stefan and the rest of the Scooby Gang, when they killed Poor Hybrid Chris to cure Elena of Night Terrors.  Stefan promptly turns Killer Guy, into a vamp, in hopes that he can later force Jeremy kill him.

force feed

“You will MAKE OUT WITH MY ARM, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, BITCH!  In case you haven’t heard, my girlfriend dumped me, and I haven’t had sex in two weeks.  I’ll take what I can get.”

And hey, if doing that just so happens to transform Jer Bear into a raging lunatic, so be it.  Because . . . let’s all say it together now . . . WE’RE DOING IT TO SAVE ELENA!

happy elena

Except, here’s a new wrinkle in that plan . . . This time, Elena doesn’t really need saving, you know, being IMMORTAL, and stuff . . .

Because unlike CRAZY!DERANGED! Elena, Caroline doesn’t have a thing for Bad Boys at all . . . does she?

Oh Sweet Caroline!  You aren’t fooling anyone with your “Go away I’m busy,” “Don’t buy me dresses,” act with Klaus.  Everybody knows you want to hit that hybrid booty, and hit it HARD.

hard to get

“Do you think he’s looking at me?  He’s TOTALLY looking at me.  Play it cool, Caroline.  Maybe he won’t notice that you’re reading your clipboard upside down . . .”

And hey, none of us blame you for looking.  That smirk of Klaus’ could melt the polar ice caps.

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But you know what they say.  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t pick on Elena for lusting after a bad boy, when you are lusting after a worse one.

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Wait. . .  that’s now how it goes . . .  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t . . . be hypocrites?  No, that’s not it either.  Ooh nevermind.

But my poor analogies have purpose!  They actually bring me to two rather interesting, and oddly parallel, scenes in our story: one featuring Lady Elena, and the other starring none other than Caroline Forbes herself . . .

The Tale of the Tell Tale Dress and the Phallic-Looking Bird

look at dress

“Hey Caroline.  We’re supposed to be helping April pick out a dress.  Stop staring at my boobs.”

April Young is running for Miss Mystic Falls, like Elena and Caroline before her. I suspect we are supposed to like care or something.  But I’m still having difficulty getting invested in April.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I keep waiting for her to get brutally murdered.

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Also, I want Matt to be with Rebekah.  There, I said it.  Matt is just such a “nice guy,” and April is such a “nice girl.” And as “nice” as it would be if they were a couple, it would probably  . . . no, definitely  . . . put me to sleep watching them on my screen.

rebekah heart

But I’m not here to talk about Matt and April, or even Matt and Rebekah, for that matter.  I’m here to talk about Elena, and her reaction to April’s choice of dress.  At first, she agrees with Caroline, and is all about the blue.  Then Damon swoops in, and suddenly she’s agreeing with him, and she’s all about the red.

red dress

“Because Red is the color of Blood.  And if you look like Blood, everyone in this town will want to eat you.  And, in case you haven’t noticed, we all equate eating with sexual attraction around here . . .”

want sandwiches and sex nickmillerfixed it

Now, of course Caroline is morally aghast by the whole situation.  Later on, she’ll use it as evidence that Elena is “sired” to Damon.

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I don’t know, I just see it as evidence, that Elena doesn’t have many strong opinions about fashion.  I mean, Caroline certainly didn’t accuse Elena of being sired to her, when she agreed to her choice of dress, did she?  Beyond that, I’d just say that Elena was acting like a girl who’s recently discovered she has a crush.  We’ve all been in those first stages of puppy love, before, haven’t we?  Suddenly, everything this person does is friggin adorable, and every word out of their mouth is pure gold.

worst crush zoe kazans

There’s nothing supernatural about it.  Sometimes a dress is just a dress . . . Now, a hummingbird . . . that’s another story . . .

Remember that time when Klaus told a dying Caroline this beautiful, inspirational, story about the perks of being a vampire, and that same story inspired her to LIVE?

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3 11 klaroline allyouhavetodois ask faeryinwonderland

Well, this hummingbird story wasn’t that.  So, wait, let me get this straight.  Big bad Klaus decided he envied humanity, all because some bird with a big schnoz looked at him cockeyed?

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Shake that ass, humming bird!  Klaus loves you!

Really?  That’s funny, because, last I checked HUMANS AREN’T BIRDS!

And yet, as Klaus’ date to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, Caroline just ate that stupid hummingbird story up, like it was delicious blood-covered chocolate brownie.  And why?  Because puppy love can make you approve of some very stupid things . . .

stupidist thing ive ever heard

“That bird story is the stupidest crap I ever heard.”

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“But you’re so yummy.  Wait . . . tell me that amazing story about the bird again.”

Think about THAT the next time you are Judgy McJudgersoning Elena, CareBear . . .

Speaking of puppy love . . .

Elena confesses!  Damon swoons!  Professor Boo Radley cockblocks!

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Yes, yes, yes.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, since we saw it in last week’s promos.  Elena calls out to Damon from the top of that romantic spiral staircase.  She meets him at the bottom, and finally confesses to him the words that this vampire has arguably been waiting to hear for about 150 years, from the girl who looks like Nina Dobrev, and whose name is alternately Katherine and Elena.  She has FEELINGS FOR HIM!

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She dumped STEFAN for him!

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She may even . . . wait for it . . . LOVE HIM!  And just in time for the holidays too . . .

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I just loved seeing Damon’s expression, upon hearing this.  I love how he didn’t even really try to play it cool, and casual,  like he usually does.  Damon was overcome with emotion.  He was ecstatic.  He was . . . just like every Delena fan watching at home . . . minus the girly screams, and the screechy choruses of “OH MY GAWWWWWWWWD!”

happy damon

And then that bastard Boo Radley had to come and frack it all up.  KILL HIM ALREADY, WILL YOU WRITERS!  I don’t care if he’s Silas!

cockblock

“Look, Damon and Elena are having a Moment.  This looks like a job for COCKBLOCK OF THE WEEK, MWAH-HA HA!”

Damon leaves to have a little conversation with Mr. Creeper Man.  And it’s a pretty typical scene, where the pair shower one another with innuendo, and thinly-veiled threats.  YAWN!  Professor Boo Radley bores me.  More Delena please . . .

In, more exciting, non-Boo Radley, related news . . .

Mini Gilbert pops his vampire killing cherry . . . again.

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“Why can’t I just have wet dreams, like normal teenage boys?”

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“In my dreams, this was much bigger . . . just like my weiner.”

Poor JerBear . . . he’s having dreams about murdering his sister.  I wonder, maybe if the Scooby Gang kills a hybrid, they can cure him of these night terrors.  Oh wait . . . we only do that for Elena.  When it comes to Mini Gilbert, we do things to make him MORE crazy, not less.  To his credit,  Jeremy definitely seems morally aghast by his own unfulfilled desires.  But then his “bro” Stefan texts him.  And he ditches out on the Miss Mystic Falls pageant to go see him about killing a newbie vamp.

meet me

“Remind me to delete this asshole from my contacts list.  He’s always getting me into trouble.

Stefan was a real jerk, in this scene, wasn’t he?  The way he manipulated Jeremy into making the kill, knowing full well that there was a major possibility that doing it would turn our mild mannered former emo kid into, as Damon cleverly put it, “Connor 2.0?”

Was I the only one who was cheering just a little bit, when Jeremy, not only didn’t show Stefan his pretty new tattoo, but immediately turned on the vampire, and staked his ass?   Come on, admit it, dude had it coming . . .

gotcha

beating up stefan

I find the way the writers dealt with Jeremy’s Vampire Hunter transformation interesting.  It was as if, the minute he killed vampire number 2, the guy became a completely different person . . . like he was a man possessed . . . like he had an alter ego . . . like his former self lacked free will over him . . . like he was Evil!Alaric . . .

And it kind of makes me wonder what kind of guy Connor was, before he became a vampire hunter . . .

big connor

While Jeremy’s Presto Chango Personality Transformation made for good television drama, part of me wished for a little more subtlety, and gradual metamorphosis, on the character’s part.  I find this is a frequent complaint I have with the show.  I recall having made similar comments about Stefan’s “ripperness” and Alaric’s “psycho-ness,” not long before.  And here is my general feeling.  When you give a character an “alter ego,” you enable him or her to disclaim complete responsibility for all acts committed while in that state.  And that gives your characters a sort of moral “easy out” clause, that I don’t necessarily think they deserve.

she turns into the devil tendermercies

Part of me would much prefer to see Jeremy gradually struggle with his feelings about vampires, and the ways they conflict with the love he has for his family and friends.  But that’s just me . . .

And the winner is . . . zzzzz

red dress april

Meh . . . I would have gone with the blue dress.

April won.  Jeremy bailed at the last minute, because he was out being “naughty,” just like Stefan was, back in Season 1.  Matt then stepped into Damon’s Season 1’s shoes, by acting as April’s last-minute Knight in Shining Kmart suit.  Plotwise, it did little to advance the main story.  But it was a kind of clever way to send up, one of the most popular episode’s in the show’s first season.

delena dancing

Not to mention, those looks that Damon and Elena were giving one another, as they recalled their days of Unrequited Passion / Mating Dance past?  PRICELESS . . .

Breaking Bones and Taking Numbers

bored now

“Hurry up and break your sire bond, already.  I want to watch Honey Boo Boo!”

I like Hayley.  I really do.  I know I’ve bitched about not warming to April.  But I started enjoying Phoebe Tonkin’s part in this series, almost as soon as she appeared.  Maybe it’s because I liked her in The Secret Circle.  Maybe it’s because she’s just a good actress.  Or maybe I like her tension with Tyler and Caroline, and feel like she’s the type of “tough girl” we don’t see enough on this show.  Whatever the reason, I thought the scenes where she boredly “coached” that hybrid chick through breaking her sire bond were pretty darn hilarious.

grrrr

Not for this chick though, I imagine . . .

And I was disappointed at the end of the episode, when I learned that she was in CAHOOTS (love that cheesy word), with the detestable BOO RADLEY.  And no, the fact that she begged for “Tyler not to get hurt,” did little to endear her in my eyes.  You know what they say, you lie down with creepers, you start giving people the creeps.

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So, I hope they redeem this chick soon . . . and not just by making her die a dramatic death, as they tend to do on this show.

Speaking of Boo . . .

Shane, Shane, we know your name “It’s Silas Professor Boo Radley.”

funny face shane

Evil eyebrows at work again . . .

So, now we have a reason to keep Boo Radley alive . . . umm yay?

So, basically his whole connection to this thing is that he can make Bonnie Bennett regain her witchy powers, so that she can help find the “cure” to vampirism .  . . because apparently the Map Tattoo and pretty stake aren’t enough.

steven tattoos

Wait a minute . . . is THAT A HUMMINGBIRD ON HIS SHOULDER?

Ugh!  So, in other words, we’ve yoked a character I don’t like to another character I don’t like.  And had that same first yucky character (Boo) taint a character I actually DO like (Hayley).

GO AWAY SHANE!

So, much for that whole “not murdering your sister” thing, huh, Jer Bear?

Things get pretty tense when Elena finds her brother at the Salvatore mansion, all bloody and stuff, from killing That Guy.  Long story short, she vamps out, he stabs her neck .  . . (perhaps as payback for the time when she killed him last week).   Matt comes to save the day, which was nice of him, I guess, since Elena’s saved him quite a few times.

damon and matt

All kidding aside, I thought the scene was pretty nicely done, in the sense that it was TRULY shocking to see Jeremy revert to a character this depraved, almost on the drop of a dime.

At the end of the episode, Jeremy plans to leave town, so he won’t, you know, kill his sister and stuff.  But Savior Matt convinces him to stay, and promises to “watch out for him.”  Personally, I think that’s a terrible idea.  Matt Donovan couldn’t “watch out” for a half-empty beer keg, and he’s supposed to prevent Jeremy from murdering all the undead in Mystic Falls?

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It will make for a good story though, I guess . . .

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (if you are a Delena fan, at least)

dancing yeah

So, with Jeremy staying at La Casa Gilbert, Brush-with-Death Elena finds herself without a home.  And though she could probably just check into a hotel, or stay with Bonnie or Caroline, she decides to make an already awkward situation that much more awkward, by moving into the Salvatore House, with the guy she dumped, and the guy she wants to bone, both under the same roof.

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It’s like that old 70s show Three’s Company, only with lots of biting, and less Suzanne Somers . . .

But then Stefan decides to move out, thereby giving Elena and Damon about 20 free rooms, not to mention a ton of bathrooms, in which to screw at their leisure.  I LOVE IT!

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Damon and Elena sit by the fire, where they’ve had many an intense conversation in the past.  She makes a really good point, when she notes how all her so-called friends have been judging her, telling her she’s not as good of a person, as a vampire, and trying to cure her of the person she’s become.

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welcome club 2

But it seems like, finally, whereas Elena spent the first few weeks of her vampirism mired in self-loathing, she’s now coming to terms with who she’s become, and is OK with it.  It’s like she said to Stefan in an earlier scene.  “You don’t have to love me like this,” because, at least it’s implied “I love myself.”

more alive

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Who would have thought it would take vampirism to convert Elena into a role model for positive teen self esteem?  I think that’s what Damon means, when he tells her that he’s never seen her more alive.  Things get romantic and sticky sweet, when the pair decide to relive their EPIC Mystic Falls dance.  Only whereas last time, the pair weren’t allowed to touch one another, this time, the dance ends with a dip and a passionate kiss.

lively elena

And then they pretty much bone one another’s brains out . . .

In short, it was F*&KING AMAZING, after 3 years to finally watch these two F*&K.  LONGEST FOREPLAY EVER.  And while certain “other things,” happened during the scene to taint it’s “purity.”  I choose to view it the way the person who made this video did . . .

surprised-face

HALLELUJAH!

Yes, yes, I know, the REAL SEX SCENE was inter cut by a high strung Caroline and smug Stefan chalking Elena’s newfound vampire urges up to a “sire bond,” but I’m trying not to let that get to me.

plotting

Blah, blah, blah, interrupting my Delena sex blah . . .

To me, chalking up Elena’s inability to drink blood from a bag to her supernatural connection with Damon, as opposed to her status as a vampire, is simply replacing one far-fetched mythology for another.  It doesn’t change things for me.  Many vampire tales, the TVD book series included, have posited the “blood bond,” as a reason for closeness between vampires and their mates.  And this supernatural anomaly hasn’t managed to foil the genuine closeness of the couple, in those situations.  And I hope the writers won’t cop out, and allow it to do so here.

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3 3 delena favvvvvvv

Aside from which, this so-called sire bond between Damon and Elena, is clearly very different from the one Klaus has with his hybrids, as Hayley explains, earlier in the episode.  Tyler and company yoked to Klaus, not because they wanted to get into his pants (though some of them might have), but because they “appreciated,” his freeing them from the pain of monthly transformation. And yet, they must not have “appreciated” him all that much, because if they did, they wouldn’t be so intent to break the sire bond, in the first place.

tyler points

“HAHA!  Gotcha writers . . .”

Elena “appreciates” Damon too.  But she does so because he’s been accepting of her new self, when no one else she cares about has.  She appreciates how he loves her, unconditionally, whether she’s human or vampire, pristine or monstrous.  And she also appreciates him because well . . . he’s hot and sexy.  Let’s be honest.

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So, if Stefan wants to make himself feel better about the breakup, by chalking it up to a once-in-a-lifetime siring, good for him.

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But I for one, hope that Elena and Damon see this through to the end, sire bond, or no sire bond.  And that, if such a bond does exist, that Elena finds a way to break it, so that she can prove to herself that her love for Damon is pure, just as Book Elena and Sookie Stackhouse have done before her . . .

But hey, enough about all this mythology crap, Delena fans.  Let’s just bask in the glory of the fact that our SHIP FINALLY HAD SEX.  HOORAY!  Next time on TVD .   . .

Until then  . . .

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

A Case of the Munchies – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Five”

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Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers?  There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?

I don’t know about you.  But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!

So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .

Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”

I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way.  Kudos, Julie Plec and Co.  This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form.  And it is, in a word, AWESOME!

The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D.  Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.

Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?

The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King.  She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!

“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”

Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames.  I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

But the fun is far from over!  Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!

“Duuuuude!  That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”

Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .

Deny, Deny, Deny . . .

 De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls.  We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode.  Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .

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This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse.  Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.

Also in denial?  Stefan.  He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.

Yeah, this guy?  He’s not jealous of his brother at all!  No sir!  Not a bit!

Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about.  Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers.  You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?

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Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?

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That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo!  Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”

So much self control!  She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth.  Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!

Still more stops on the Denial Train.  Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.

I think it drowned, Matt  . . . along with your dignity.

Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!

OMG!  Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . .   Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love!  He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.

Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car.  And I don’t even roll that way.  Go figure . . .

Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex?  Poor Rebekah!  Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.

“You had to start with a car?  You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive?  Like a lottery ticket?  Or a lollipop?

Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff.  But he still has information for her about “The Five.”  Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care.  But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .

“What can I say?  I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.

Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy

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Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?

Well, now you do!

What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . .  Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .

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I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!).  But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)

(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them.  So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)

While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.

Things start off well enough.  But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT!  (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter.  Now, that would have been poignant.  But baby sister?  Meh!)

No worries!  Damon’s got a better idea!  He decides to take Elena to a frat party.  You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies.  Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .

Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme.  (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.)  Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party.  Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .

“I thought she was 18 . .  . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”

In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.”  (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)

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Elena finds a  frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.”  (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child.  Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)

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Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy.  “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .

So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .

Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window.  We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings.  No matter!  Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.

And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right?  You guessed it!  It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!

I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene.  But I, for one, absolutely adored it.  I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing.  I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.

I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.

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Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism.  If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people.  People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.

Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one.  It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .

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Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .

Elena scampers off in tears.  She wants to go home, dammit!  Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .

Try not to take it too personally, Damon.  I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs.  Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!

Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes.  And it basically boils down to this:  Damon is a BAD BOY.  Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL.  She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL.  So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.

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Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!)  Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks.  Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .

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Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .

50 Shades of Connor Jordan

My that Klaus!  He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he?  I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan!  But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)?  Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true.  (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan.  Because you are both soooo next!

Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!

Seriously!  I was not expecting that!

Cooler still?  Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”

Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS!  POSITIVELY GENIUS!

Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!

[Random sidenote:  When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties.  And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish.  Anyway, rumor has it that if you can  tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .

Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage.  Take from that what you will.  All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS.  It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]

“And I’m too sexy for your ear .  . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”

We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment.  But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?

It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .

Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way.  He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes.  As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.

Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them  both what she knows about The Five.  Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day.  And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.

“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”

Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms,  until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands.  Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you.  Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”

Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract.  Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago.  Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . .  Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother.  And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.

(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another?  Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)

The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics

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Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps  invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body.  (Mental Note:  Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people.  It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)

“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”

Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy.  Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.”  To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor.  (Just kidding . . . sort of.)

Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me).  He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire.  Well, that sure is cost-efficient.  Tattoos can be expensive!

What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo.  Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .

Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo

A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners.  I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show.  He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!

That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think?  Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood.  Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .

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Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback.  And, so, we get one, in short order.  Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.

“Check it out.  This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”

In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .

What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around.  You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .

Poor Rebekah!  She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD!  Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings.  Rat BASTARD!

“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up.  How do you like your new wall decor?

Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.

Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?

But wait a minute.  If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?

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A-ha!  See, this is where things get sort of interesting.  Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure.  And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five.  Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is.  Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.

Nifty plan, right?  Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .

Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey?  Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.

Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved.  As it turns out, this was precisely his plan.  You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN.  And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus?  Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

That’s right.  Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .

This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details.  Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.

Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.

“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that . . .

Seriously, dude?  AGAIN!  Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off.  You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime.  It’s time to get another outlet for your anger.  Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .

Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus.  Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?  Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors?  Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?

Just saying . . .

So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .

And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would.  But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids.  You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .

Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.

Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo.  I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .

In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader.  “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”

WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor.  But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too.  What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. .  . Professor Boo Radley?

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Maker’s Mark – A Recap of “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

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I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.

Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.”  We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.

Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .

Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?

Let’s review, shall we?

In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .

We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire.  And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”

But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.

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“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”

 Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam.   So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break.  Talk about a rude house guest!

But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host.  So, I guess that’s a start .  . .

Speaking of hosts . . .

In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .

It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan.  And HE is AWESOME!

Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .

Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.

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Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.

Can you blame her?

Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass.  Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.

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Sucks for Pam . . .

In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .

After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.

Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.

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Apparently, said diapers are wired to kill Eric and Bill, if they misbehave or something.

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(Personally, I just think it was Alan Ball’s excuse to get the two actors to fulfill some S&M fantasy of his . . .)

Hey, no complaints here . . .

In which EVERYBODY screws Salome . . .

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Who says True Blood never teaches you anything?  This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.

Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.

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Not bad for a days work, right?

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Speaking of sexually active vampires . . .

In which Vampire Jess reenacts those annoying AXE body spray commercials . . .

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Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”

Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest.  Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth.  (Dude MUST be gay!)

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“I am . . . at least, in the books.” 

So, a still sexed up Jess, heads in search of the Next Best Thing . . .

Jason F*&KING STACKHOUSE . . .

In which Jason has sex with a cat lady, but not Jessica . . .

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Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.

Poor Jason!  Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?

(Not that we can really blame her.)

Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.

They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”

But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.

BOO!

So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods.  But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.”  Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.

In other Stackhouse news . . .

In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .

So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.

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My have times changed!  Now Tara’s pissed at her for turning her vamp.  And Sam and Arlene second that emotion.

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 Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing.  Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo.  And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .

Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .

And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .

In which we learn how Pam was made . . .

In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.

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 I bet you can’t guess who they were?

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That’s right, it’s BEEEL and Bad Mommy Lorena.

It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners.  Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.

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But even GOOD SEX comes with a price . . .

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 . . .  and Pam has set hers in stone.  She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)

Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death.  Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker.  It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.

So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.

And the rest is vampire history . . .

Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker.  Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?

In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”

The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.

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How very Jersey Shore of her.

Of course, Maker Pam might have something to say about that . . .

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Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Something beautiful you can truly own” – A Recap of Mad Men’s “The Other Woman”

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“At last, something beautiful you can truly own.”

These haunting words comprised the tagline for the Jaguar pitch Don Draper made at the climax of the tour de force hour of television that was “The Other Woman.”  On the surface, they speak to human nature, and its often unquenchable desire to seek spiritual fulfillment through superficial means, be it wealth, material possessions, or physical attractiveness.

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However, “The Other Woman” takes this deceptively simplistic concept to a much deeper level, by posing to viewers a very serious question, one which we are all destined to face in our lives at one time or another.  Namely,  what price are you willing to pay to get what you want out of life?  And is there ever a point where the personal sacrifices necessary for achievement outweigh the rewards?

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Let’s review, shall we?

“Let them eat lobster.”

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Last week’s “Christmas Waltz,” ended rather triumphantly, with a newly re-energized and determined Don rousing his battle-weary troops, inspiring them all to work as hard as they could, and do whatever it took to win the Jaguar account for SCDP.  He described landing the account as a “defining moment for the agency.”  (Little did he know how prophetic those words would end up being.)

By the time we return to SCDP this week, it’s evident that some of the inspirational luster of Don’s speech has already started to fade.  The ad men are tired, restless, and growing increasingly jaded about their prospective client . . . a car that, though admirably beautiful and enviably expensive, has so far proven to be woefully unreliable.  In short, a Jaguar is the kind of date you wouldn’t think twice about inviting into your bed.  But you probably would hesitate, before bringing it home to meet the parents.

(Speaking of price tags, I wonder how much Jaquar paid for the product placement it’s received these past two episodes.  Whatever it was,  I’d probably ask for my money back.)

Hungry and tired, the ad men are thrilled when a massive order of lobster arrives in the conference room to provide them with some much-needed sustenance, after a hard day’s work.  But not Peggy.  She doesn’t get any lobster, because she’s working on  SCDP’s 25 or so other accounts, and NOT Jaguar.  She gets a two-day old tuna sandwich from the nose-picking street vendor downstairs.

(I don’t know.  This part seemed a little heavy handed for me.  I mean, it’s not that big of an office.  And, from the looks of it, about 7/8ths of the entire company was working on the Jaguar Account.  How hard would it have been to offer a little lobster tail to the 5 or 6 people still working on other accounts?  Also . . . um . . . isn’t SCDP a bit cash poor now?  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to forgo the lobster, in exchange for those “Christmas Bonuses” that Lane won’t shut up about?)

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“I sure would like the opportunity to get to know her better.”

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While the working stiffs at SCDP were busy eating lobster, Account Men, Ken and Pete were forced to shovel down some serious crow, when they learned that their ability to land the Jaguar account had less to do with their firm’s advertising prowess, and more to do with what was underneath Joan Holloway’s dress.  Jaguar’s pudgy dumpling of an executive definitely made no bones about what and who he needed SCDP to do in order to gain his business.  (And, honestly, if that’s how Jaguar makes its business decisions, it’s no wonder the cars are “unreliable.”)  Poor Ken Cosgrove!  The look on his face, when Scummy McScumbag proposed he be allowed to boink Joan, as a “perk” of using SCDP to advertise his product, was like someone had just clubbed a baby seal right in front of him . . .

Lately, I’ve come to the conclusion that Kenny Cosgrove is actually the moral compass of Mad Men.

This would explain why he hardly ever has any lines . . .

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Pete on the other hand has never been one to look a pimp horse in the mouth.  So, of course, he only feigns mild distaste with the idea, when he not-so-tactfully broaches the subject with Joan in her office, the following day.

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Like the seasoned pimp that he is,  Pete blustered his way toward Joan’s desk, boldly demanding that she name her price, without the slightest hint of hesitation or remorse in his voice.  He does so in a way that drastically downplays the extent of what he is asking her to do, and what her agreeing to do it would say about the company for which they both have chosen to work.  “We’re talking about a night in your life. We’ve all had nights in our lives where we’ve made mistakes for free,”  Pete reasons.  (How very Indecent Proposal of him.)

And lord knows, if anybody knows a thing or two about making “free” mistakes it’s Pete Campbell . . .

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What’s depressing is that the moment Pete broaches this subject with Joan, he has already singlehandedly taken his firm down the path to moral ruin.  Regardless of what comes after, SCDP has just become the kind of firm that’s willing to entertain these kind of offers to obtain business.  And Joan, who has spent over a decade of her life working tirelessly for the company, will never again be able to shake the fact that her bosses and colleagues value the almighty dollar over her self-respect and well-being.

In short, not all rapes happen in the bedroom . . .

But we’ve all come to expect this from Pete.  What was more disturbing, to me anyway, was the way the other partners reacted, when Pete broached the subject with them.  Bert Cooper, who, in the past, has often chastized his fellow co-workers for the ways in which their own greed and selfishness have negatively impacted the business, only uttered a few feeble words in protest, before following the herd.

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Roger Sterling, who — many times in the past, has claimed to “love” Joan, and whose modus operandi all season has been to throw money at any and all problems that stand in his way — only seemed interested in whether he would be the one to have to pony up the payment for Joan’s Jaguar prostitution fee.

Shameful!

And then there was Lane, who gamely proposed that Joan request a partnership stake in the company, as opposed to the $50,000 lump sum initially offered by Pete . . . not because he truly cared about Joan’s well being . . . but because he knew the large payment would bankrupt the already over-extended firm, while exposing his own criminal actions in the process.

In fact, Joan’s only champion at the executive table seemed to be Don, who stormed out of the meeting in a huff at the suggestion, wrongfully assuming that his obvious refusal to consider the matter would be enough to put the subject to rest.  He wouldn’t learn until later on in the episode just how wrong he truly was . . .

“You wanna go to Paris?”

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Elsewhere at SCDP, Peggy displayed her penchant for Don Draper style extemporaneous brilliance, when she came up with a new winning ending to a struggling ad campaign, off the while on the phone with the clients.  The advertisement was meant to be shot in Paris.  And Peggy, as originator of the idea, in the first place, rightfully requested the right to make the trip.  Don balked at the idea, claiming that the account was Ginsberg’s, and he would be making the trip in her place.  When Harry, Ken and Peggy urged him to reconsider, Don rudely tossed a wad of cash in Peggy’s face, inadvertently treating his erstwhile protege like the call girl, he so valiantly refused to allow Joan to be.

Oh, Don!  When even HARRY CRANE thinks you are treating women badly, you KNOW you douchedom levels have just reached Mach 5 . . .

Always the gentleman, Ken Cosgrove rushes to comfort Peggy, even going as far as to offer to leave the firm with her, if Don doesn’t reconsider his treatment of her.  But Peggy refuses to be comforted by her friend and colleague.  After all, there’s only one person’s approval she’s always been seeking at SCDP.  And it’s not Ken Cosgrove’s . . .

Don’s and Peggy’s relationship has always been complex, with Don’s treatment of the younger woman alternating between shockingly callous (“That’s what the money is for!”) and remarkably kind (“I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you back.”)  In some ways, I think the familiarity that has developed between Don and Peggy over the past few seasons, coupled with Don’s at-least-to-some-extent rightful belief that she owes her career to him, are what has led to the gradual souring of their relationship this season.  Don often thinks of Peggy like his own daughter .  . . a daughter, who he can scold, chastize, and challenge, in ways that he can’t with other colleagues, because he knows deep down they love one another, and can relate to one another on a more personal level . . . also . . . quite frankly, he signs her checks.

But what Don never really understood about Peggy was that it was never about the money, or even about being the boss’ fair-haired girl.  For Peggy, what truly drove her at SCDP was a genuine love for what she was doing, and the drive to obtain the respect and recognition for her work, she felt she rightfully deserved.  Each time Don took Peggy’s talents for granted . . . each time he passed her over for an opportunity, or slighted her good work, brought her closer and closer to the decision she made at the end of the episode.  But ultimately, it was her old pal Freddy Rumsen, the first man at the firm to truly recognize her talents, who made her realize just how valuable of a commodity she had become in the industry, and what opportunities might become available to her, if she only had the courage to pursue them.

“I haven’t decided if you are really ambitious, ballerina, or if you just like to complain?”  Freddy muses, while at lunch, with a highly distraught Peggy.  Sometimes it takes the people who know us best, to show us what’s been in our hearts all along.  When Don Draper’s slimy adversary Ken Chaough courts Peggy with 1,000 more than her asking price, and the much coveted title of “Copy Chief,” I think Peggy is less wowed by the financial sum she is offered, and more enticed by the prospect of working for someone who sees her not as a protege, or even a beloved child, but as an intellectual equal, and smart business acquisition to boot.

Speaking of smart business acquisitions . . .

“She just comes and goes as she pleases.”

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Don is both shocked and more than a bit hurt, when his wife fails to consult him about taking an audition which, if she gets the the part, would require her to live apart from him for months at a stretch.  Later she goes on to say that, if he told her she couldn’t take the job, she would turn it down, but would probably hate him for it.

Megan continues to prove that she’s the one wearing the skinny jeans in the family, when she arrives at Don’s office in search of a quick pre-audition quickie to “up her confidence.”  (Interestingly enough, it’s Megan’s sex kitten-like brazenness that ultimately inspires a morally aghast Ginsberg to come up with the tagline for Don Draper’s ultimate Jaguar pitch.)

But then, it’s Megan’s turn to get her ego taken down a few pegs, when she arrives at her audition, and the men on the other end of the casting couch are more interested in what’s underneath her dress, than the words that are coming out of her mouth . . .

“You’re one of the good ones, aren’t you?”

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A little older, and substantially less naive about the inner desires of men / the ways of the world, Joan Holloway seems to have reached her decision regarding the Indecent Proposal made to her earlier by Pete, and somewhat seconded by Lane.  With an air of confidence that belies the inner turmoil she is obviously feeling, images of her repeated mistreatment by her soon-to-be ex husband ripe in her mind, Joan demands her five-percent stake in the company.  Pete’s response is smug and self-satisfied, with just the slightest hint of remorse.  “He’s not that bad,” Pete offers, wrongly assuming that Joan’s suitor’s lack of total hideousness will somehow soften the blow of what she’s about to do.

“He’s doing this,” Joan replies, matter-of-factly.

When Don hears that the rest of the partners went behind his back to orchestrate this agreement he is horrified, particularly in light of the tender moments he and Joan shared the week before.  With a sense of purpose, and a surprising amount of concern for his colleague, Don rushes to Joan’s home, begging her not to go through with this, telling her that he was 100% against it from the beginning, and that sacrificing her own integrity and the company’s for a single account is simply not worth the price.

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There’s a wistfulness in Joan’s face, as she listens to Don’s words that makes more sense later on in the episode.  For a woman who has been used and mistreated by men her entire life . . . a woman who has been taught by her own mother, that a woman’s greatest ambition should be to be “admired,” Joan is seeing, for the first time, a man who truly cares about her . . . someone who is willing to go to the mat for her . . . to fight for her . . . to put his own career and financial security on the line for her well-being.  She’s touched, honored, and impressed by this man with whom she’s never had a romantic history, but with whom she shares a history nonetheless . . .

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We don’t get to see the aftermath of that scene . . . how Joan responds, after Don walks out that door.  Instead, we are treated to an interplay between Don’s riveting, and yet, slightly disheartening, in light of recent events, Jaguar pitch about man’s elusive desire to “own” unattainable “beautiful things,” be them overpriced unreliable cars, or strong smart single mothers, who are willing to do what they can to provide for their children, even if it means sacrificing their own sense of self . . .

As a viewer, it’s incredibly hard to see Joan make this sacrifice . . . a woman who has always been the steadfast and sturdy rock, of SCDP . . . the unofficial mother of the gang.  She put her trust in her colleagues, and they let her down, by putting her in the position to entertain an offer she simply couldn’t refuse.  Of course, it’s even more heartbreaking, when we learn the truth about Don’s last ditch effort to get Joan to reconsider her decision.   Through a series of flashbacks, we learn that he was too late . . . that by the time Don arrived on Joan’s doorstep, the deed was already done.  Joan just couldn’t bring herself to tell him.

Had Don arrived earlier, would it have made a difference in Joan’s decision?  Perhaps not.  But now viewers will inevitably always be left wondering, and so will Joan . . .

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 “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

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Learning that SCDP landed the Jaguar account is a highly bittersweet moment for Don, particularly when he learns, based on Joan’s sudden presence at the partner’s meeting, what she sacrificed to achieve it.  Now, he’ll never know whether he could have won the account on the merit’s of his pitching skills alone.  Far from being in the partying mood, Don finds himself surprisingly eager to engage in a personal conversation with Peggy, the only woman remaining in his life, who he truly believes he understands.  Little does he know that Peggy is about to turn his world upside down.  “You really don’t know when things are good, do you?”  Peggy inquires, clearly talking about more than the landing of the Jaguar account.

Anyone who’s ever left a job before, can relate to Peggy in this moment . . . the mixture of fear,  guilt, excitement, and sadness, coursing through her veins, as she thanks Don for seeing something in her that no one else did . . . for changing her life . . . and, finally, for making it possible for her to chart out a new path for herself.  At first, Don can’t take Peggy seriously.  This is the one woman Don thought would never leave him.  Once again, he wrongly assumes that this discussion is about money, as he blithely asks Peggy to name her price, echoing Pete’s discussion with Joan earlier in the episode.

But Peggy can’t be bought or swayed.  Her decision is final.  And when Don realizes that, his reaction is surprisingly emotional.  In fact, the only time we’ve really ever seen Don get this emotional was when he learned that Anna Draper died, last season . . . Ironically, Peggy was with him in that moment too . . .

On the surface, Don is his cocksure self, telling Peggy not to bother with her two week notice, since there are tons of freelancers out in the hall waiting to take her place.  But all that bluster falls away, when Peggy goes to give him that final handshake.  Barely concealed tears welling up in his eyes, Don grabs her hand, and kisses it repeatedly, refusing to let go, as Peggy looks away tearfully, both embarrassed and touched by this show of emotion by her father figure, her colleague, and the man who was once her hero.  For Don, the act is one mixed with emotion, caring, and just a hint of desperation.  It harkens back to the pilot episode, in which Peggy grabbed Don’s hand, in a feeble attempt to seduce him, and he brutally rebuffed her.  It also harkens back to that moment in “The Suitcase,” when Don grabs Peggy’s hand, while she offers him solace after a long and difficult night.  Like Joan’s hand on Don’s cheek, earlier in the episode, the hand kiss is a simple gesture.  But one that is frought with so much history and meaning.

On the way out of the office for the last time, Peggy catches Joan’s eyes, and the two share a meaningful look.  Here are two strong, very different women, having recently both made bold and life-changing decisions, ones that will inevitably lead them down very different paths.  Then, Peggy sighs and turns toward the elevator, waiting to take that final step.  When she does, she smiles, ready to face whatever comes next.  And despite all the tragedy, turmoil, and disappointments that filled the episode, how could you not root for an ending like that?

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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