Tag Archives: Founder’s Day

The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “Founder’s Day” – Live Blogging Event!

According to show writer Kevin Williamson, and some maddeningly teasing hints dropped by E!Online’s Spoiler Maven, Kristen, tonight’s Vampire Diaries Finale offers eight cliff hangers, a major death, and, hopefully, more squealworthy Damon and Elena moments, like the one pictured above.

(Ummm . . . hand holding, anyone? :))

Below is the extended trailer for the episode:

So, after much discussion, and an hour-an-a-half long internet conversation to iron out the details, I am happy to report that my fabulously brilliant blogging friend, and fellow Salvatore Brother enthusiast, Imaginary Men, and I will be live-blogging tonight’s finale episode of The Vampire Diaries, entitled “Founders Day,”  together, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time!

As you can tell, Damon Salvatore is incredibly excited about this news!  So, is Vicki Donovan.  Except, unfortunately, SHE won’t be able to watch . . . being DEAD and all . . .

Join us for what will most certainly be an evening filled with good times, sort-of insightful commentary, and, of course, partially incoherent fangirl ravings of the ALL CAPS variety!  Shirtless Salvatores Brothers need DEFINITELY APPLY!

 Oh, and to whet your whistle before tonight’s show (as if it needed any more whetting!),  please enjoy this webclip from the episode, in which Elena calls Damon out on his “eye thing.”

[I just wanted to update this post to offer you all my sincere apologies.  If you happened to be online during the past hour, you might have noticed that we TRIED to live blog and ran into some technical difficulties.  Please tune in later for your regularly scheduled recap . . .  And again. I’m sorry!]

 

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, The Vampire Diaries

“You messed with Elena . . . BAD MOVE!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Isobel”

OK.  So, right off the bat, I’ll admit that the title to this recap is a tad misleading.  After all, it implies that “the good guys” (Salvatore squared) won the “battle,” at the conclusion of the episode.   Because, interestingly enough, they sort of didn’t.  And yet, the fact that these words were uttered by a sexy open – shirted DAMON . . .

about ELENA was enough to make me squeal and bounce up and down on my couch like a 13-year old girl.  (Seriously, I was a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS to watch this episode with — squealing, chirping, laughing out loud, and clapping my hands all the way through.  It’s probably a good thing that I watched it alone . . . ) 

So, of course, I had to use this line as the title of my recap.  Then again, there was ANOTHER line, later in the episode, that made me squeal even LOUDER than this one — one that I would have liked to use as my title even MORE.  But we’ll get to that later . . .

We should probably get started, before I completely lose the ability to craft coherent sentences, and start typing in ALL CAPS . . . .

A vampire walks into a bar . . .

Conveniently enough, this episode began where last week’s left off.  Specifically, Alaric . . .

was sitting in a bar getting sloshed . . . (Is it just me, or has Mr. History Teacher been spending A LOT of time at the bar lately?  Life got ya down, Alaric?  Not enough sex = too much DRINKY- DRINKY?  Do you think we need to stage an intervention, Dr. Drew?)

Celebrity Rehab – Friends of Vampires Edition airs tomorrow night on VH1

Anyway, Alaric is busy getting wasted, when he is basically accosted by his once-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually- a-vampire-sort-of-ex-wife, Isobel.  (Try saying that three times fast!)

Now, I have to say, based on the few things I had read online, and what I saw from the previews, I assumed that Isobel would be bad ass.  I just wasn’t expecting the SHEER extent of her BAD ASSEDNESS.  This woman was PURE EVIL INCARNATE, for all but about the last two minutes of this episode (more on those later).  Isobel was so void of any humanity or empathy for her fellow man or vampire, that she made DAMON look like this puppy dog .

Equally adorable?  Perhaps.  But I’m willing to bet this pup looks no where near as good with IT’S shirt off !

So when drunken Alaric sees Isobel, he understandably gets all teary-eyed and blubbery.  He desperately wants to have the “I loved you!  Why did you leave me, and ruin me for all women, you heartless TURD” – type conversation with Isobel – a conversation that would have totally made sense coming from this guy . . .

We REALLY do miss you, Dawson of Dawson’s Creek.  We just happen to miss PACEY more . . .

But EVIL ISOBEL is having NONE of that!  She doesn’t give two sh&ts about her once-husband’s feelings!  She just wants to see, Elena!  You know, HER DAUGHTER!  The one she gave up for adoption . . . the same daughter that Isobel was so intent on NOT seeing a few episodes back, that she made some random dude KILL HIMSELF to “send a message”   that a family reunion was simply not in the cards.  When Alaric refuses to orchestrate Isobel’s and Elena’s reunion, Isobel basically threatens to KILL ALARIC’S ENTIRE HISTORY CLASS, if he doesn’t comply with her wishes . . .

“Ummmm . . . Mr. Saltzman, is it too late to transfer to Shop Class?  I’m thinking that regularly placing my hands beneath a massive power saw is a safer bet for me, right now . . .

Scooby, Scooby Doo, Where are YOU? (Hopefully not being eaten by vampires . . .)

Ruh, roh!

A freaked out Alaric summons the rest of the Scooby Gang to his classroom after hours, in order to orchestrate their plan of attack.  Damon arrives last on the scene.  And the 13-year old girl in me, who had been quiet throughout the Alaric / Isobel exchange, starts SQUEALING in full force once again, when Damon cocks his eyebrows in utter concern, and says to Elena, “You don’t have to see her, if you don’t want to.”

But Elena does want to see Isobel.  After all, the latter is her biological mother.  The two make plans to meet up at.  Where, you ask?  Well, at the ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IN ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS, of course! 

A vampire walks into a bar AGAIN . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one.)

 An understandably freaked out Elena, totes Stefan along for the meeting.  He stands idly by, playing pool, just out reach. However, he can hear everything, thanks to those super sensitive vampire ears of his.  Bromantic Buddies, Alaric and Damon, wait impatiently outside, just in case some vampire ass needs kicking . . .

But Damon, I REALLY need a drink!  I haven’t been to The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls in OVER six hours.  Can’t we go in?

And if you thought for a second that Isobel would be kinder and gentler to Elena, seeing as she is her DAUGHTER (because I TOTALLY thought she would be), you are about to be proven WRONG!

Just as she did with Alaric, Isobel threatens Elena.  “Get me what I want, or I will kill everyone you care about,” she, more or less, says to her daughter.

And what does she want?  That random Civil War Era invention created by Wacky Ancestor Gilbert.  The same invention coveted by Creepy Uncle John (who is apparently in cahoots with Isobel, because . . . well, you’ll find out in a bit).

This is also the same invention that the now Dead-Dead Pearl, gave to Damon for safe keeping.  Elena tells Isobel this is a “no can do,” seeing as Damon doesn’t answer to ANYBODY but himself.  “You underestimate Damon’s feelings for you,” remarks Isobel.  (Hold your ears, VD fans! That awful sound you are hearing is ME, squealing with joy, yet again!)

Before leaving the bar, Isobel makes one last parting shot at Elena’s increasingly intense “dude situation.”  “Why are you with Stefan?  Why didn’t you go for Damon, instead?  Unless of course, you want them both .  . . just like Katherine.”

The OTHER La Casa de Rich and Awesome

Isobel arrives back at her La Casa de Rich and Awesome (2.0), to find Damon making himself at home, and playing strip poker with Isobel’s brainwashed porn-star esque human pets.  (The fact that Isobel interrupted this game, before Damon could take off his pants, just makes me hate her MORE!)  At first, it looks as though these two might mess around with one another.  After all, the fact that they have a sexual history together is OBVIOUS.  And, admittedly, the chemistry between the two characters is palpable, in a Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate, sort of way.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Iso-bitch?”

BTW, WHO did Dustin Hoffman’s character end up with at the end of that movie?  THE DAUGHTER!

Just saying . . .

But just when it seems like Isobel and Damon are about to get it on, Damon THROWS her ass on the floor (and NOT in a foreplay way).  “You messed with Elena . .  . BAD MOVE!  (WEEEEEE!  Sorry, that was me, not him . . .)  And I DO like to kill the messenger. Because it sends a message,” threatens Damon, throwing Isobel’s own hurtful words back in her face, before refusing to give up the Crazy Invention.  “If Katherine wants something, tell the little b&tch, she can come and get it herself.”

YES!  Damon actually used the “B” word in reference to the supposed love of his life, Katherine.  He is SO TOTALLY on Team Elena now!

Bad Hair Day, Bad Personality Day . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie (who now has unflattering bangs that don’t complement her bone structure AT ALL) has been treating Elena like total crap, lately. 

I couldn’t find a picture of Bonnie’s Bad ‘Do ANYWHERE!  (Not even on BING, CW!)  So I had to post this perfectly nice picture of the girl, even though I am REALLY mad at her right now!

She even ignored her supposed BFF, when she found her crying at the bar, after that traumatic Mommy Encounter.  However, later in the episode, Bonnie relents and visits Elena at her house.  After the two hug, and Elena dishes about her Evil Mommy, Bonnie actually provides her with some valuable information about the Crazy Invention.  Apparently, Old Ancestor Gilbert wasn’t a talented inventor at all.   He was just some Loony Old Coot with a hatred for vamps.  So, Bonnie’s ancestor, Witch Emily . . .

 . . . in an effort to protect the townspeople, put spells on all of Ancestor Gilbert’s inventions to make them “magical.”   The Crazy Invention was made into a weapon to KILL VAMPIRES!

A vampire walks into a float preparation event . . .

To prove to Elena that she means business regarding the Crazy Invention, EVIL ISOBEL, causes Matt . . .

 . . . to break his wrist, and KIDNAPS Elena’s little bro, Jeremy!

Fortunately, Elena has a plan to save him . . .

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (the original), Elena explains to the Salvatore brothers that Bonnie has the power to remove Emily’s original spell from the Crazy Invention, making it useless.  Therefore, Elena can give it to Isobel and save Jeremy, without causing any repercussions for the vampire community.  Initially, Damon is a bit skeptical, seeing as Bonnie hates his guts.  “You’re right, you can’t trust me,” remarks Bonnie angrily.

“But you can trust me,” says Elena, solemnly. 

Then the two share ONE SERIOUSLY HOT LOOK, before Damon hands over the Crazy Invention to Elena.  Their hands brush against one another, as the object is passed between them.  And my throat is officially sore from squealing so much.

So, Bonnie does her little magic floaty thing on the Crazy Invention, and pronounces it cured of all vampire-killing tendencies. 

The Exchange and The Implication of LOOOOOOOVE!

With Stefan and Damon as protection, Elena heads off into the woods to hand off the Crazy Invention to Isobel, in exchange for Jeremy’s life.  However, she soon finds that Jeremy is already safe and sound at home.  When Elena asks Isobel how she knew Damon would religuish the weapon, Isobel responds, “Because he is IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

YAY!  YIPPEE!  WOO HOO!

I think I need a moment .  . .

OK, I’m better.  Always one to have the last word, before leaving, Isobel warns Elena that living with a Salvatore brother on each arm, will surely bring about her demise. Once Isobel is gone,  Elena rushes to Stefan for comfort.  However, while they hug, both Elena and Stefan are exchanging pointed looks with Damon that suggest that Isobel’s pronouncements regarding the latter vampire’s romantic feelings were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

And that’s not all . . .

In the last few minutes of the episode, we learn the following”

1)

“Elena, I am your father.”

Elena’s daddy is none other than Creepy Uncle John.  This means that Elena is a GILBERT after all!  (I don’t know about you, but something about this news just set off the Ick Alarms, all over the place, for me!)  Apparently, Creepy Uncle John, and the Self-Loathing Isobel, want to kill ALL VAMPIRES (including Stefan and Damon) to SAVE ELENA from the same fate suffered by undead Isobel and Katherine.

2) 

 Isobel DID in fact love Alaric, but acted bitchy to him, so he wouldn’t feel pain over the loss of her.  (Remember when I said that Isobel was only NOT totally evil for about two minutes, during the episode.  This was them!  Unless you count as “nice” her admission that she wants to save Elena, by killing Stefan and Damon, which, obviously, I DON’T!)

3) Now that his true feelings were put out in the open by Isobel, Damon suggests to Stefan that he will FIGHT for Elena’s heart!

4) New Vampire Hater Bonnie LIED to Elena about curing the Crazy Invention.  She WANTS Stefan and Damon to die at the hands of the Isobel and Creepy Uncle John.   OK, I officially HATE her now!  She can take that nasty hair cut and shove it up her butt!

But I’m not biased, or anything . . . I mean, why would I be biased against someone who wanted to kill Damon?

Oh!  That’s why . . .

Given all this new intel, we can be certain that the VD Season Finale is going to be one WILD RIDE! 

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Dr. Bloodsucking Psychopath and Mr. Congeniality – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Miss Mystic Falls”

It’s official.  The Vampire Diaries has become my FAVORITE show of this season!  VD continues to amaze and shock me each week, with its sharp writing, solid acting, and unpredictable plot twists (the latter being kind of a big deal for me, because I tend to predict EVERYTHING!)  Not to mention, the writers of The Vampire Diaries continue to dream up new and inventive ways to show off Paul Wesley’s insanely hot arms and Ian Somerhalder’s insanely hot face!

All right, enough of this gushy stuff!  After all, “Miss Mystic Falls” was probably the LEAST warm and fuzzy episode of the entire season!  When promos for the episode suggested the exposure of Stefan’s dark side, they weren’t kidding!  The heretofore “kindler, gentler” Salvatore wasn’t just dark this week, he was downright terrifying!

Kudos to Paul Wesley for genuinely scaring the stuffing out of me tonight.  This guy made Norman Bates look like Mister Rodgers  . . .

So, without further adieu, what do you say, we stop gabbing and BITE into this awesome episode?

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

The opening moments of “Miss Mystic Falls” were filled with awkward exchanges and a generalized sentiment of mistrust.  First there was Vampire Anna . . .

 . . . who visited Damon on the pretense of apologizing for the whole “Stefan getting chained up and tortured, two weeks ago” thing.  But really, the whole purpose of the exchange, I THINK, was to let us viewers know that the writers have decided to scrap the whole Hidey Hole Vampires storyline.  (Good Call, VD!)  Anna explains that MOST of the aforementioned vamps skipped down last week, and therefore, could not have been responsible for the recent “blood bank” robbery that is now rocking Mystic Falls.  Damon sees Anna’s speech as the plot device it clearly is, and refuses to accept her apology. YOU GO, BOY!

Dear BFF Elena,

The good news is, I’m back.  The bad news is, I’ve decided to hate your guts . . .

Hugs and kisses!

Bonnie

Back at school, Bonnie, who has been largely MIA of late, runs into Elena in the parking lot.  These two haven’t seen one another since that time when Elena got Bonnie and her Granny to do that spell to seal up the Hidey Hole Vampire Tomb, the performance of which actually ended up killing Poor Granny.  Oh yeah, and it didn’t even work!  The vampires ended up escaping the tomb, anyway.  Insensitive Elena apparently decided to inform Bonnie of this fact, just days after she had to bury her own grandmother!

“What?  Who WOULDN’T want to know that their favorite relative had to die to further along a failed plotline?”

Given all that, I can’t really blame Bonnie for being icy to Elena, or for hating on the Salvatore brothers for the role they played in Granny’s demise.  I CAN, however, blame her for those weird bangs she was rocking during this episode.  Not cute!  Fortunately, for the girls, Caroline . . .

 . . . interrupts this love fest, to inform Elena that both she and Caroline are part of the Mystic Falls Founder’s Day Court, and are to compete in the “Miss Mystic Falls” pageant this year.  Elena had completely forgotten about the event, having only signed up for it to please her now-dead adoptive Mommy.

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle John . . .

 . . . blackmails Damon.  Telling him that he will expose the Salvatore brothers as vampires UNLESS Damon agrees to help Creepy Uncle John find some weird ” invention” that a vampire stole from his ancestor, back during Civil War times.  Who stole the “invention,” you ask?  Vampire Pearl, of course!

As if poor Damon wasn’t having a crappy enough day, he returns home to find Stefan (despite his claims of being clean) leaning ravenously over an entire freezer, filled with blood stolen from the local blood bank!  Not cool!  Stefan, of course, promises Damon that he has everything “under control.”  However, when Elena calls to ask him to act as her escort for the pageant, he blatantly lies to her about his “drinking” — a very un-Stefan like thing to do.  Later, at school, Stefan comes very close to eating a teen with a bloody knee, and even attacks Alaric . . .

 . . . when the latter accidentally gets in his way.

The Thrill of Almost Touching, The Agony of Almost Eating . . .

Moments before the Mystic Falls pageant is set to begin, Damon, who has become convinced that Stefan’s new addiction will put them all at risk, informs Elena that Stefan is still consuming human blood.  When Stefan arrives on the scene, Elena confronts him about his lies.  Stefan responds by getting all pissy and wall-punchy . . . He then runs away, like a little bitch, leaving Elena to fend for herself during the pageant ceremonies . . .

“So, I’ve been behaving like a TOTAL ASS throughout this entire episode.  So, what?   I still look super sexy with my shirt off.  And NO ONE can take that away from me!”

When it comes time for Elena to be escorted at the pageant, Damon jumps in at the last minute to be her Knight and Shining Vampire.  And even though we all knew that this was going to happen, from watching the previews, I’m quite certain that the entire female VD watching population SQUEALED with joy when he appeared at the end of that staircase. 

Stefan’s bad behavior these past few episodes, has only further illustrated how much of a better match Damon is for Elena.  Need more proof?  Just check out the sultry and longing looks these two give one another during the “first dance” A.K.A “the prey circling, animal mating ritual.”  When Elena performs this “ritual” with Stefan during rehearsals, it seems stiff and awkward.  With Damon, it is PURE SEX!

“What?  Did you think I WASN’T going to find some excuse to include this picture in my recap AGAIN?  You clearly don’t know me at all . . .”

Despite all this sexiness, Elena actually DIDN’T become Miss Mystic Falls.  Caroline did .  . .

 . . . which was nice, because she CLEARLY wanted it so much more than Elena did.  However, it makes me worried for her, because Elena usually beats her at everything

Have you ever had someone who was always really nasty to you, and then, all the sudden, they started acting really nice?  So, you figured you must be DYING of some disease you didn’t know about, because that would be the ONLY way to rationally explain this person’s sudden change in behavior?   This is kind of how I think Caroline should feel about the world . . .  Seeing as VD is set to have two additional major deaths prior to the conclusion of Season 1, if I were Caroline, I would be getting myself on that All-Vervain diet, STAT!

Back in Whiny Bitch Land, Hungry Stefan is still brooding over his recent fight with Elena, when he encounters, pageant contestant, Amber, innocently catching some air.  Stefan forcefully drags Amber into the woods with him.  He then compels her to stand still and act blissfully calm, as he describes, emotionlessly, and in graphic detail, his overwhelming desire to rip her neck open and devour her whole .  . . 

Awww!  How Sweet!

 . . . and I’m thinking, “This is Stefan!  He’s not ACTUALLY going to bite her.” 

Stefan then compels Amber to run, and she does.  And I think, “Phew!”

But then . . . Stefan does his fast Running Man Vampire thing, and HE BITES HER!  Not just a little, either.  Stefan bites Amber right on her carotid artery.  You know . . . that part of your neck, which, if it bleeds, makes you . . . like . . . DIE . . . and stuff.  Fortunately, it’s DAMON TO THE RESCUE!

UNFORTUNATELY, Stefan throws Damon INTO A TREE and KNOCKS HIM OUT!  But then Bonnie appears, out of no where, and does that creepy, possessed, eyes-rolled-back in her head thing, she likes to do, every once in a while, on this show.  Suddenly, Stefan gets this really bad headache (from looking at Bonnie’s bad bangs?).  So, he lets go of Amber, in search of some Vampire-Sized Advil . . .

Later that evening, Stefan and Elena fight over his addiction, and Stefan THROWS ELENA AGAINST A WALL!  Elena hugs Stefan, telling him that everything is going to be all right. And, just when I’m thinking I’ve walked in on a “Bad After-School Special About an Abusive Relationships” . . .

 . . .Elena STABS STEFAN IN THE BACK!!!!! 

Then Damon magically appears. 

He helps Elena carry an unconscious, and, slightly evil, Stefan (who, I hate to say it, STILL looks kind of sexy, wearing that now, appropriately-titled, “wife beater”) . . .

 . . . into a sort of “holding pen,” where they will undoubtedly attempt to force him into Human Blood Withdrawal.  (Poor Stefan!  Always tied up or incarcerated, it seems . . . both in the books and on TV).  Damon offers to take Elena home, but she refuses.  In the final moments of the episode, the pair sit together in silence, forced to endure the suffering of the man they both love . . .

In Other News . . .

1) Jeremy reconnected with Anna (and, like Bonnie, got a kind of sucky-looking 90’s era haircut . . )

2) Pearl and Damon teamed up against Creepy Uncle John (hereinafter “CUJ”).  To cement their bond, Pearl handed over to Damon the “invention”  CUJ was looking for.  Surprise, surprise!   It appears to be YET ANOTHER magical piece of jewelry . . . The only difference here, is that no one has any clue what this one is actually supposed to DO!

That’s all for now, VDers!  Tune in next week, when Elena and Damon become overwhelmed with passion for one another and start making out hardcore on the staircase of the Salvatore home. 

OK, OK, I’m lying . . . for NOW . . . but IT’S COMING.  I CAN FEEL IT!

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Another Bloody 12-Step Program – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Under Control”

“Dude, I am NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!  The last thing I remember is going into a tattoo parlor and asking for some pegasus wings on my back . . . OH CRAP!  REAL WINGS!  How the f&*k did these get here?  Damon’s NEVER going to let me live this one down . . .”

Tonight’s installment of The Vampire Diaries featured an in-town party,

LOTS of booze,

SOME making out,

SOME brawling,

and a heaping helping of Julie Cooper-Nichol Melinda Clarke.

In short, it reminded me A LOT of this OTHER show I used to watch . . .

“Welcome to The VD, BITCH!”

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

The Things We Cannot Change . . .

When we last left Stefan, he found himself hooked on . . .

 . . . having tasted his girlfriend, Elena’s, during a particularly weak moment.  When we see Stefan, this week, he is struggling to quit the stuff cold turkey.  His brilliant plan for achieving this goal?  LOTS of sweaty pull-ups  . . . which, again, I think, was only included in the episode, so that we got the opportunity to see Paul Wesley look like this . . .

 . . . and AGAIN, I’m OK with that!

Unfortunately, for Stefan, his brother, Damon, is a TOTAL enabler . . .

 . . . and SMOKIN’ HOT (just saying).  So, Damon, who is a pretty big blood drinker himself, continues to randomly leave vials and glasses of the “red stuff” all around the mansion, where these two dapper drinkers currently reside.  “Why can’t you just get blood from a blood bank, like the rest of us?”  Damon inquires.

Now THIS development is very interesting to me . . . You see, I was always under the impression, that while Damon occasionally imbibed a “soccer mom” or two from vials of blood stolen from a hospital or blood bank, human skin was his “glass” of choice.  Perhaps, I always assumed this, because many scenes in The Vampire Diaries book series, featured a super sexy Damon compelling a young innocent lass to offer up her body for feeding.  The act of “drinking” these females was always overtly sexual.  And Book Damon, to his credit, always left the bitten ladies in bed asleep, with no memory of the event, except for some VERY SWEET DREAMS!

Truthfully, this has ALWAYS been a fantasy of mine!  And I was more than a bit disappointed when Damon admitted he hadn’t “had a human in years.”  It also raises an interesting point.  If Damon and the other vamps, drinks solely from blood banks, and Stefan repeatedly goes out into the woods to eat Bambi’s mother . . .

 . . . and other assorted forest creatures, heretofore alive and well, wouldn’t that make Stefan more of a killer than his brother? 

Also, we noticed, throughout the episode, how DANGEROUS Stefan’s newfound cravings for human blood were causing him to become.  EVERYONE suddenly became a target .  . . even Elena.  Given that, wouldn’t Stefan’s imbibing of blood bank blood make him less harmful to the people he cared about, not more?  The only possible explanation I could think of as to why we should be rooting AGAINST Stefan becoming a HUMAN blood sucker, is that his LOOOOONG absense from the stuff, has made him . . .

 . . . in terms of blood drinking, almost as if he was a NEWBORN vampire once again.  And we learned, from Vicki Donovan a few episodes ago, just how DANGEROUS those newbies could be . . .

“Oh, BITE ME!  On second thought, let me BITE YOU . . . HARD!”

Most of the episode’s A-storyline featured Stefan trying to get a handle on his blood drinking by getting as wasted as possible on alcohol!

Somewhere underground, the creator of the 12-Step Program is rolling over in his grave.  Unless of course, HE is a vampire too!  If so, he probably doesn’t mind as much . . .

The result of all this DRINKING, is that Stefan, as Damon says, becomes sort of “fun,” for a change.  He compels the D.J. at the party to switch from the snoozy orchestral music he is playing, to the song Falling by Phoenix (which you may have recognized as the song from those cadillac commercials . . .)

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good song, and all.  But I, personally, think it would have been WAY FUNNIER if Stefan “requested” that the DJ play a song by Vampire Weekend.

The song, “A Punk,” for example, would have been FABULOUS for this venue . . .

All the while, Stefan was telling Elena and Damon he had things “under control.”  However, we could tell that this wasn’t the case at all when he (1) got all veiny, wrinkled, and puffy eye baggy, when things got hot and heavy with Elena in her bedroom; and (2) twice almost killed that random dude for having the NERVE to knock into and be rude to Elena at the party (which was kind of hot, I have to admit).  But “rock bottom” for our pal Stefan had to be when Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom . . .

 . . . got a massive cut on her head.  In a move that was both incredibly creepy, and intensely sexy, at the same time, Stefan placed his hand gently on Julie Cooper Nichol’s Matt’s Slutty Mom’s wound, rubbed it with his fingers, and then proceeded to amorously lick his hand like a VERY DIRTY cat.

“Mmmmmm . . . Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom Guts . . . DELICIOUS!”

At the end of the episode, Stefan gives in to temptation, chugging down a blood-filled tumbler that his brother strategically left on the bar for him.  And again — I have to ask — is this necessarily a bad thing?

The Senseless Death That Was Neither Particularly Senseless, Nor Deadly .  . .

So, at the beginning of the episode, this guy shows up at Elena’s doorstep, and I IMMEDIATELY don’t like him, because he walks with his hands clasped between his legs, like a VERY MEAN AND SCARY principal I used to have in elementary school (RIP Princi  – PAL).  Apparently, this guy is Uncle John Gilbert — a man who once slept with . . .

Aunt Jenna, and MAY have slept with . . .

Elena’s biological mom, Isabel.  WOAH!  What are you telling me, VD?   Elena’s UNCLE did the deed with both Elena’s AUNT and Elena’s MOM?

Incest much?  It took me a few takes to remember that Aunt Jenna is the sister of Elena’s adoptive mom, Uncle John is Elena’s adoptive dad’s brother, and NONE of these people are at all related to Elena’s biological mom!  This makes the whole situation less gross . . . but only slightly.  It still strikes me as a bit “too close for comfort,” if you know what I mean . . .

Anyway, Uncle John immediately starts making trouble in Mystic Falls.  First, he threatens to take Elena’s deceased father’s office, which Elena and Jeremy inherited in their parents’ will, away from them.  THEN he reveals to the town council that a bunch of blood banks are reporting stolen vials of blood and missing employees, prospectively exposing all the vampires in Mystic Falls, not to mention cutting off their nutrition supply.  Uncle John then reveals to Damon that he knows EVERYTHING about the Salvatore brothers, including that they are vampires, and that they were responsible for opening the underground tomb containing Mama Pearl . . .

 . . . and the other Hidey Hole Vamps.  Damon takes quick action, like the Rambo Bad Ass, he is!

Our Main Man breaks Uncle John’s neck and tosses him off the balcony, before I could even utter the word “Douchebag.”  And I must admit, I CHEERED LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL, when it happened (maybe it was all those principal memories, getting the best of me).  “UNCLE JOHN, it gives me GREAT PLEASURE to bestow upon you the SENSELESS DEATH AWARD!”  I literally said, out loud, as I watched the scene.

 So, as you can imagine, I was just and confused and PISSED as Damon, when Uncle John showed back up at the party, alive and unharmed . . .

“He’s BAAACK!”

As it turns out, Uncle John was conveniently wearing that Can’t Be Killed Ring, also owned by Snoozy Alaric . . .

 . . . who, I must admit, I ENJOYED for the second week in a row, as he continued his awesome post-face punch Bromance with Hot Vamp Damon.

Apparently, like Alaric, Uncle John got the ring from Elena’s Surprisingly Slutty Biological Mom!

Uncle John also claims that HE was the one who sent Elena’s Slutty Mom to Damon, when she wanted to be turned into a vampire.  I’m not quite sure I believe him yet?  But, unfortunately, we will probably find out the truth in future episodes, as this AWFUL DUDE seems like he will be sticking around for a while.  Uncle John already kind of reminds me of a side-character from another show, who I DESPISED, but who never EVER seemed to LEAVE!

Marilyn from Big Love, anyone?

In other news . . .

Vampjer FINALLY Gets a Clue!

If you recall, newly-turned vampire Vicki was STAKED by Stefan, because she tried to kill Elena in a vampiric rage, while the lovelorn Jeremy watched in horror.  At Elena’s request, Damon compelled Jeremy to forget the entire traumatic experience, and believe Vicki had simply run away from home.  And that WAS what he believed — for a while, at least — until he developed a strange fascination with vampires, cultivated by, none other than his SORT-OF Gal Friday, Vampire Anna.

When Vicki was found buried in the forest, the coroner called her death a drug overdose.  “But then why was she buried?  Who buried her?”  Jeremy inquires, and rightly so.

The town council stonewalls Jeremy, when he inquires into the odd circumstances surrounding Vicki’s demise.  Even his sister, Elena, basically tells him to “let it go.”  At the end of the episode, a suspicious Jeremy breaks into Elena’s bedroom and finds her diary.  In it, he reads the whole Bloody Story.  And he is PISSED!

Also . . .

Drunk and Slutty IS as Drunk and Slutty DOES . . .

Still vulnerable from her daughter’s untimely demise, Julie Cooper Nichol Matt’s Slutty Mom gets wasted at the Founder’s Day Kickoff Party, and makes out with her son’s friend, Tyler.

“I totally POKED – HER!”

When Matt . . .

 . . . finds Tyler and his mom en flagrante, he freaks out, and moves to punch Tyler in the face.  But then, Tyler goes all rabid animal crazy on the poor guy’s ass!  And if you’ve read the books, or seen the spoilers, you know why.  Tyler’s dad slaps Tyler in the face HARD for losing his cool — making me feel bad for D-Bag Tyler, for the first time, since he’s been on this show.  And you just KNOW this isn’t the last we will see of THIS storyline . . .

Also, Matt kicks his Slutty Mom out of the house.  But something tells me, that ultimatum is not going to stick . . .

Well, that’s all I’ve got folks!  Tune in next week, when it appears that Sexy Damon (not Stefan) will be escorting Elena to the Founder’s Day Ball.  Let the sexually tense moments and sexual innuendos BEGIN!  Until then . . .

Sayonara, fellow Blood Suckers!

 

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“More of THAT Please!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “A Few Good Men”

 

Welcome back VD’ers!  (Don’t you like how I basically just called you all a bunch of venereal diseases?  Great way to make friends and influence people, huh?) 

It’s been WAY too long since we’ve had a “taste” of our favorite campy, bloody, teen drama, hasn’t it?  But, now, we are back, and (I think) better than ever . . .

There was a lot to love in this week’s “Back from Hiatus” installment of The Vampire Diaries!  For starters, we got a few GREAT booby shots of a Drunk Shirtless, Slightly Broody, and Highly Emotionally Volatile Damon Salvatore . . .

More of THAT Please!

We also got a drool-worthy, sexual tension-laced “shirt BUTTONING” scene between our favorite couple-not-yet-to-couple, Damon and Elena . . .

More of THAT Please!

(By the way, in addition to being AWESOME, shirt on AND shirt off, Damon also had the dubious honor of uttering my favorite quote from this episode, “Unrequited love sucks, man!”  — Great line.  But so untrue, Damon.  Unrequited love ROCKS . . . particularly when YOU are doing the loving!)

Then, there were not ONE, not TWO, but THREE senseless Deaths,  this episode . . . well, two-and-a-half, depending on how you felt about Alaric’s rebirth . . .

( . . . will live to write on chalkboards and be stultifyingly boring, ANOTHER DAY!)

More of THAT please!  (Well, more senseless DEATHS at least, less Alaric, he’s snoozy . . .)

Let’s not forget that tonight’s episode title was modeled after one of my favorite films . . .

“You can’t handle the TRUTH!”

More of THAT Please!

And, as if that wasn’t enough, we got Marissa Cooper’s Mom from The O.C.!

Much more of HER please!

(By the way, if there was ever an Emmy award for “Best Performance as a Slutty Trashtastic Kind-of-Bitchy Mom,” Melinda Clarke would win every year hands down.  Has she been typecast?  Absolutely!  But that doesn’t make her any less fabulous!)

So, without further adieu, lets take a peek at what happened on VD’s A Few Good Men . . .

A Few Good Lays . . .

If you didn’t think I was going to somehow find a way to include this picture in my recap AGAIN, you clearly don’t know me AT ALL . . .

When we first reunite with Damon, he is getting it on with a trio of drunken, horny, and “compulsed” Tri Delts (a REAL sorority, by the way, . . . I smell a Defamation Lawsuit!).  We quickly get the impression that this has been how Damon has been spending his hiatus time.  You GO DAMON!  The way I see it, the best way to get over an undead Vampire Bitch, who you’ve searched for, for about 100 years of your life, only to find out she DOESN’T want to be found by YOU, is to get UNDER someone else . . . or rather, in this case,  SOMEONE ELSES. 

Might I suggest the cast of Gossip Girl, DamonThey always seem up for a good roll in the hay  . . .

A Few Good Bings . . .

By the way, I found this picture on GOOGLE!   Put that in your pipe and smoke it, BING!

One of the things I am NOT liking about The Vampire Diaries of late, is its already burgeoning sell-out tendencies.  Seriously folks, how many times is our favorite television show going to double as an hour-long commercial for a certain search engine website that shall remain nameless? 

Is this supposed to be our punishment for having DVRs?  What’s next?  A discussion about herpes pills or “feminine hygiene” products?

“Aunt Jenna? Did you ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?”

Anyway, shameless product placement aside, Elena and her Auntie are doing a little internet research to find out some important intel on Elena’s birth mother.  In our last episode, we learned that Elena’s birth mom and Alaric’s “deceased” wife shared the same name, Isobel.  This week, we learned that they are the same person (and are both played by Mia Kirschner)

“What can I say?  I get around . . .”

Elena and Auntie come across some old high school yearbook pics online of Elena’s mommy and her cheerleading friend, Trudie (Amanda Detmer), who, conveniently, currently lives just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Elena.  Stefan, hoping to protect Elena from learning about Damon’s involvement in Isobel’s disappearance, tells Elena to leave Trudie alone.  But Elena goes to see her, anyway.  Trudie, initially, seems friendly enough (if  you consider people who don’t invite you inside their home, spike your tea with vervain, hoping it will make you sick, and text cold-blooded killers to inform them of your arrival, friendly).  But, when Elena questions Trudie about her knowledge of vampires, the latter becomes really unwelcoming, and asks her to leave ASAP.

Unfortunately, for Trudie, she never gets the chance to send Elena the neighborly “I’m sorry for being a bitch to you,” apple pie, she would have sent, otherwise . . .

Always helpful in times like these . . .

 . . . because the killer she so brilliantly texted, comes to her house, just moments after Elena has left, pushes her down the steps, breaks her neck, and kills her.  Talk about UN-neighborly! (SENSELESS DEATH # 1)

A Few Good Boyfriends (with Moms that Hate You)

In other news, Matt’s and Caroline’s still-new relationship hits a bit of a road block when Matt’s Mommy (Melinda Clarke) returns to town and tells Caroline, in no uncertain terms, that she HATES Caroline’s guts.  So much for getting Mommy Dearest to fork over the cash for the upcoming nuptials . . .  ( SOMEONE’S going to be registering for their wedding gifts at the Dollar Store, in a few years . . .)

A Few Good Bachelor Brawls . . .

At the Town’s Founder’s Day Fundraiser, both Damon and Alaric put their very nicely-sculpted bodies up for auction.  (Is it too late for me to move to this town?)  Proving himself to be an even bigger D-Bag than we initially thought (but, a HOT d-bag, mind you), Damon inexplicably calls out Alaric during his bachelor speech, revealing, in no uncertain terms, how he gave Alaric’s wife the best lay of her life before she “died.”  (And you just KNOW that all that “sexual prowess” talk upped Damon’s auction price considerably . . .)

“It was for a GOOD CAUSE!”

Elena puts two and two together, and figures out that Damon had a hand in her birth mommy’s “death.”  She dashes out of the party in tears, with both Stefan and Damon at her heels.  (Must be nice, having hot guys always chasing you like that . . .)  Say what you will about Damon, but the look on his face when Elena confronts him about his murdering her mother is genuinely heartbreaking.  He really does have a soft spot for her . . . (swoon).

Later, Cold Blooded Killer Guy (CBK Guy for short), who Stefan instantly recognizes as being under vampire compulsion, warns Elena to stop looking for her mother.  Having delivered this Very Important Message,  CBK Guy walks into oncoming traffic and gets mowed down by a car.  (SENSELESS DEATH #2)  Stefan appears genuinely concerned for the zombie’s well being.  However,  Elena sees the death as an opportunity to get a free cell phone  . . . so she snatches the corpse’s.

“What?  Mine was running low on minutes!”

Back at home, Elena picks up her brand new cell phone and dials the last number called on it.  When a woman picks up, asking if “everything went as planned,” Elena utters “Isobel” into the phone.  The woman hangs up . . .

A Few Good Pieces of Jewelry

“They sure like their bling on this show . . .”

Back at La Casa de Damon, Alaric confronts the vampire about porking, and subsequently forking, his  loving wife.  As it turns out, Isobel was somewhat of a “vampire scholar” when she and Alaric were together back at Duke.  Isobel had traveled to Mystic Falls, convinced that she would be able to prove the existence of vampires there.  That was when she met, and screwed, Damon.  Damon and Alaric tussle for a bit, and Damon appears to puncture his lung, killing him.  (SENSELESS . . . SORT OF  . . .  DEATH #3) 

 Saintly Stefan then arrives on the scene.

I just figured it was high time that I included HIS pic in this recap.  I’m nothing, if not, fair, ladies . . .

Damon admits to Stefan that he didn’t kill Isobel, but rather, turned her into a vampire, because . . . “she was begging for it.”  (Spoken like a true rapist, Damon . . . it’s a good thing I like you . . . otherwise, you’d be dead to me, right now.  Oh, but wait . . . you ARE dead . . . so, nevermind.)

 Left alone with corpse Alaric, Stefan is alarmed to learn that Alaric is not-so-much dead.  At first, Stefan fears that Damon turned him into a vampire . . . and we all know THAT hasn’t worked out too well in the past.

R.I.P. Doubly Dead Vampire Vicki

And yet, Alaric explains that, before she disappeared, Isobel gave him this Big Ugly Ass Ring to protect him from the occult.  Because Alaric was wearing it when Damon “killed” him, it allowed him to “live.” 

So, let me get this straight, on this show we NOW have . . .

(1) a lapiz lazuli ring that vampires wear to allow them to go out in sunlight;

(2) a vervain necklace that HUMANS wear to prevent vampires from controlling their minds;

(3) a medallion that WITCHES wear to do spells and hurt mean vampires; and

(4) a Big Ugly Ass Ring that ALARIC wears to keep vampires from killing his boring butt.

This show is starting to look like the Home Shopping Network . . .

In the last moments of the show, we learn that Vampire Anna and her recently rescued Mommy, Vampire Crystal, are having a little Undead Reunion for fellow Tomb escapees at some house in Mystic Falls (including this unnamed hot African American vampire dude with gorgeous eyes, that I wouldn’t mind seeing again).  Could THEY be the ones behind that Cold Blooded Killer guy who did in Isobel’s high school bud, Un-neighborly Trudie?

Tune in next week, to find out.  See ya then, bloodsuckers!

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