Ah, New Girl. There is so much to love about this show. It’s got penis casts (and penis diapers?), random dancing, drinking games, references to Game of Thrones,and people shaking their asses at one another, just because they can . . .
But really, for me at least, New Girl is about one man . . . THIS MAN . . .
Nick Miller, you are the fictional love of my life . . . my Grumpy TV Boyfriend for life. This is why, though plenty of other things happened, during the New Girl two-episode season premiere, most of this recap is going to be dedicated to you . . . and your turtle face.
Here’s how I know, the writers of New Girl care about me as a fan. Even before the opening credits rolled, we got to see both Nick and Schmidt in their mostly naked glory. I mean, granted, penis cast diapers aren’t exactly the hottest male fashions of 2012 . . .
But hey, when a girl has gone an entire season without ANY Naked Nick and Schmidt in her life. She’ll take what she can get.
Jess’ unemployed, off-the-grid mojo is off the charts. This enables her to draw the attention of, not one, but both of Nick’s fellow bartenders, in addition to this really hot guy, who just so happens to think she’s a dancer named Katie, who he met on OK Cupid . . .
Given Jess’ recent hike in sex appeal, and Nick’s newly single status . . .
Can you really blame the guy for “accidentally” giving Jess’ number to the goofy guy with a Bearclaw tattoo on his back, instead of his much less bear-like friend, in whom she was very obviously interested?
Eventually, Jess’ identity thieving, two-timing ways, end up getting her busted in a bar bathroom. And Nick gets a front row seat to her humiliation. (Though, I guess, when you think about it, the whole thing is actually more impressive, than it is embarrassing.)
One person who thought this feat was impressive, was actually Jess’ fellow bathroom humper Sam, who decided to continue engaging in mindblowing sex with Jess, despite the fact that she was a liar, who absolutely hated his favorite band, Creed. Sorry, Nick! Better luck, next Bearclaw . . .
Nick Miller will apologize to you for things he hasn’t even done yet!
And would you take future you’s advice, even if “future you” sort of / kind of seemed like a wackjob, who wore a tin foil hat, and “time traveled” in a cardboard box, while making weird beeping noises?
Nick did. And it’s probably a testament to his obviously burgeoning feelings for Jess, that, despite the fact that Future Nick might well have been a total nutbar, Nick decided, at the end of the episode, to make his female roommate an old fashioned, and apologize to her for any harm he might cause her heart, in the near future . . .
As the New Year approaches, I suspect that many of you are taking this time to reflect on the year past. Perhaps, you are even wondering how you might be able to improve your life in the upcoming year.
Meh! Self-reflection is overrated, I say. As for me? I prefer to use this time to think back on all the hot new fictional TV characters I’ve met this past year, and decide which ones are worthy of being added to my ever-growing TV Boyfriend List . . .
Now, I’m the first to admit that, when it comes to TV Boyfriends, I tend to be a bit on the slutty side (sometimes “dating” as many as twenty television characters at once) . . .
Nevertheless, making it onto my List is still a rather competitive process for prospective faux-beaus. After all, I’ve watched A LOT of television, during my time on this planet. As a result, there are characters on my List that have been getting into my increasingly crowded panties, since the late 90’s. (I’m looking at you, Pacey Witter.)
So, if a TV character wants to date me, he better be pretty damn special. Because, when it comes to fictional men, I’ve literally seen it all!
Nonetheless, 2011 ended up being a pretty great year for TV Boyfriends. New additions to my List run the gamut from fairytale characters, to warlocks, to bartenders. I even managed to squeeze a little person in there!
So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you (in no particular order) my Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011 . . .
1. Wade Kinsella – Hart of Dixie
Who plays him: Wilson Bethel
Why we’re “dating”:
Just like Hart of Dixie’s own Zoe Hart, I’m both a city girl, and a native East Coaster. And whether or not we like to admit it, us East Coast girls can be a bit high strung. We could really use a laidback, small town, southern guy to keep us grounded, and prevent us from “sweating the small stuff.” Whether he’s playing video games, jamming on his guitar, or cooking up a prize-winning pot of gumbo, Wade is a guy who knows how to have a good time.
Wade is a man’s man, through and through. He doesn’t put on airs, or stand on ceremony. You can always count on him to be straight and honest with you, whether or not you necessarily want him to be. He’s also quite the ladies’ man, not that this should be any surprise . . .
And yet, Wade has a soft side too. He cares about his family and his friends. And he can always be counted on to lend a helping hand, when they really need him. And as much as he might mess around with the local floozies, deep down, I think Wade is a one-woman man, as evidenced by his adorable, suffer-in-silence pining over one, Zoe Hart.
Moments when he won my heart:
*When he kissed Zoe to “calm her down” . . .
*When he sang Moon River with his drunken dad to get him down from a roof ledge . . .
*When he cooked a prize-winning gumbo pot for Zoe, but let her take all the credit for it . . .
*When he offered to drive Zoe to the airport, in a tacit admission that he had feelings for her . . .
*When he called out George for leading Zoe on, when the two spent the night in jail . . .
*When he told Zoe that she taught others how to be “amazing” . . . For your consideration:
There’s just something super endearing about a grumpy guy . . . especially when you are one of the few people that can make him smile. Like many of us, Nick is still figuring some things out about his life. He’s a smart guy, and a law school graduate, but he isn’t quite sure what career path he wants to take. He’s a “relationship guy,” but he just got out of a devastating relationship, and might not be quite ready to fall in love again . . .
However, Nick doesn’t let these shortcomings detract from who he is as a person. If anything, his self-deprecating sense of humor, and good-humored, if slightly sarcastic, take on life makes him more relatable and approachable. This is likely why most of the roommates in the house go to Nick first for advice. And yet, as wise and grounded as Nick can be, he’s not afraid to let his adorkable flag fly, when it’s warranted, or when his friends need a good laugh.
As a friend, Nick’s a pretty considerate guy . . . one who almost always puts his friends needs before his own. And even though he can tend to be a bit jealous sometimes, he never lets that get in the way of his friendships. Oh, and I almost forgot, like Wade, Nick is a bit of a “piner.” And the way he looks at Jess, when he thinks nobody is watching will most definitely turn you to mush. . .
Moments when he won my heart:
* When he convinced his roommates to leave a hot party, so that they could all serenade a recently stood up Jess . . .
*The way he looked at Jess, the first time he saw her in a dress . . .
*When he “fixed” the house soap dispenser, by attaching a wooden spoon to it . . .
*When he got super jealous of Jess and Paul, but still followed them to the back of the shopping line on Black Friday, so they wouldn’t be left out . . .
*When his feet pointed at Jess, wherever she went (a sure sign of attraction, if ever there was one) 😉 . . .
*When he missed Christmas with his parents to bring Jess to Candy Cane Lane, so that she could see the “pretty lights” . . .
For your consideration:
3. Derek Hale – Teen Wolf
Who plays him: Tyler Hoechlin
Why we’re “dating”:
Derek Hale really is the best of both worlds. He’s dark and dangerous . . . yet highly moral, loyal, and fiercely protective of those he cares about. He’s masculine and tough, yet sensitive and vulnerable. He’s got a bit of a temper, but he’s also surprisingly funny, and an exceptionally patient teacher. He’s kind of a loner. And yet he’s no stranger to “pack mentality.” He can be cold and aloof sometimes, yet warm and caring other times.
Though Derek’s been hurt and betrayed in the past by those he loved, this hasn’t stopped him from caring about others, and looking out for their best interest. Derek is the kind of boyfriend, who would always make you feel safe and protected, but would never be too clingy or overbearing. He’d always be there for you, when you needed him, but would be willing to give you space when you didn’t. I mean, so what if he sometimes gets hairy, and howls at the moon? We all have our idiosyncrasies!
And have you SEEN this guy’s body? It’s genuinely mesmerizing . . .
Moments when he won my heart:
*Every time he rescued damsel-in-distress Scott from certain doom . . .
*His sexy homoerotic “locker press” with Jackson . . .
*His surprising show of vulnerability with Kate, and when he found his sister’s corpse . . .
*His hilarious exchanges with Stiles, most notably, that one time Stiles tried to “pimp” him out to his gay friend . . .
*When he did pull ups half-naked, in his ramshackle house . . . (THANK YOU MTV!)
For your consideration:
4. Sheriff Graham / The Huntsman – Once Upon a Time
Who plays him: Jaime Dornan
Why we’re “dating”:
Having literally had his heart crushed by an evil queen, Sheriff Graham may not have been long for TV land, but he will most certainly live happily ever after in our hearts. An animal lover, with expert aim (which can come in VERY handy, if you catch my drift), plenty of energy in the sack, and a high tolerance for liquor, this hard working public servant will most certainly be keeping you warm and happy during those long cold nights in Storybrooke. Did I mention he has an adorable accent, and a sexy voice that will make you go weak at the knees every time he opens his mouth?
But lest you think my relationship with the Sheriff is just superficial, I can also tell you that, despite what he might tell you to the contrary, Sheriff Graham has a good heart. He’s a hero, a protector, and a savior of those in need. Plus, despite his murky past, and dubious history, he’s managed to stay surprisingly innocent. There’s an almost childlike quality about him that’s quite refreshing. Perhaps, that comes from spending so many years inside a children’s book . . .
Moments when he won my heart:
*When he drunkenly kissed Emma for the first time . . .
*When he (as the Huntsman) beat up some barmen for talking smack about wolves . . .
*When he (as the Huntsman) was brought to tears by Snow White’s letter, and ultimately spared her life . . .
*When he sat with young Henry and learned about his history in Fairytale World . . .
*When he finally got up the courage to dump the Mayor’s ass . . .
*When he lovingly kissed Emma for the second time, just moments before his heart . . . turned to dust.
*Anytime he wore those super tight pants . . .
For your consideration:
5. Tyrion Lannister – Game of Thrones
Who plays him: Peter Dinklage
Why we’re dating:
This may seem like an odd choice to some. But hey, I’m only 5’3”. So, height has never really been an issue for me. (Also, I hate wearing high heels . . .) Though I despise most of his family members (which means we could probably never marry), Tyrion himself is a terrific catch, in my eyes. He’s exceptionally smart, amazingly resourceful, exceedingly wealthy, uproariously funny, honest almost to a fault, and surprisingly honorable.
Though he comes from a very powerful family, Tyrion is most certainly not a snob. In fact, he often acts as a champion for the weak and less fortunate. Though not necessarily the most able-bodied of the bunch, Tyrion can use his intelligence and wit to get himself out of even the stickiest of situations. And he knows how to get what he wants.
On top of that, Tyrion is a blast to hang out with. He drinks like a fish, curses like a sailor, screws like an Adonis, and always has a joke or hilarious story handy, when the party is getting too stale. In a world that is dark, bleak, and filled with war, Tyrion never takes himself or the situations in which he finds himself too seriously. Optimistic, fun-loving, and good-natured, this is exactly the kind of guy, you want on your side, especially when “winter is coming” . . .
* When he helped the newly crippled Bran come to terms with his paralysis . . .
*When he told the story of his first love . . .
*When he confessed to ALL of his sins, in front of the Moon Door . . .
*When he won a fierce deadly battle, despite being unconscious for most of it . . .
*When he proved that at least one Lannister, does, in fact, always pay his debts . . .
For your consideration:
6. Schmidt – New Girl
Who plays him: Max Greenfield
Why we’re “dating”:
Sure, he owns a Douchebag Jar, sometimes wears women’s kimonos, and gets a bit persnickety about his cooking, but, rest assured, if you are hanging out with Schmidt, you’re going to be having a great time. You will also be laughing a lot . . . sometimes with him . . . sometimes at him. A notorious ladies man, who’s clearly very comfortable with his sexuality, Schmidt feels just as comfortable being “one of the girls,” as he does being “one of the guys.” Whether he’s at a baby shower, a wedding, or playing Sexy Santa at the office Christmas function, Schmidt is always sure to be the life of the party. He’s also an impeccable dresser, with great hair. So, if you are ever in need of fashion tips, he’s your guy. (Just don’t let him choose your perfume . . .)
As if all that wasn’t enough, Schmidt is also super sweet and an unabashed romantic . . . when he’s not being douchey, that is!
Every girl wants a bad boy. And Owen Sleater’s as bad as they come. A hit man, and professional “enforcer,” Owen has no qualms about stealing, committing murder, or sleeping with another man’s betroved. Don’t let his sweet smile, boyish good looks, and adorable accent fool you. Owen is a very dangerous man. He’s strong, smart, incredibly resourceful, and can be very manipulative when he wants to be.
But Owen Sleater can also be a true gentleman, one who sweeps ladies off of their feet, with his incredible acts of kindness, declarations of adoration, shameless flirtation, and calm, self-assured nature. Owen might have a criminal’s brain, and a killer’s body, but he has a lover’s heart, and deep down, I think, a good soul. Like many of the men on this list, Owen is a caretaker, and a protector. And he’s going to make one lucky lady very happy some day . . . if he doesn’t get himself killed first . . .
Moments when he won my heart:
*His surprisingly awkward, and adorably cute, early flirtations with Margaret . . .
*His surprisingly friendly standoff at gunpoint with Richard Harrow . . .
*The sexy, and brilliant way he explained the inner workings of the explosives he was making to blow up Mickey’s liquor distillery . . .
*How he told Margaret that he was hers to “command” . . .
*The way he always looks at Margaret . . .
*The fierce growl he let out, when he finally had his way with Margaret . . .
*The look on his face, when he found out Emily was diagnosed with polio . . .
*The way he helped Margaret fix Emily’s leg braces . . .
*The solemn, and slightly sad, look on his face, as he acted as a witness to Margaret’s and Nucky’s wedding . . .
If Owen Sleater is a “bad boy,” Charles Meade is arguably an “evil man.” When he ignited the fire that killed his supposed long-time friend Amelia Blake, in the pilot episode of The Secret Circle, I got chills. When he used a crystal to turn Jane Blake into a Stepford Wife / zombie in more recent episodes, I gasped. Charles is an incredibly powerful warlock, one that will stop at nothing to get what he wants. The fact that his motives for doing the things he does are, as of yet, not entirely clear, make him even more frightening . . . and intriguing.
That said, people are not all good, or all bad. Most tend to reside within the shades of grey, and Charles Meade is no exception. We’ve seen this man experience extreme guilt, and even have an emotional breakdown, as a result of his part in the accidental death of Nick Armstrong. We’ve also seen him show love and concern for his daughter Diana, and affection for his longtime friend and fellow coven-mate Dawn.
Aside from all that, there’s just something about Charles Meade that makes me think that he lives by a rather rigid moral code. He seems to truly believe that the things he’s doing are in service of the greater good. Many times he’s even expressed disapproval toward Dawn, when she behaved particularly rashly, or hurt someone he felt didn’t need to be hurt. This evidence leads me to believe that Charles Meade’s motives might be more benevolent than many viewers assume them to be . . .
Besides, there are plenty of perks to dating a sexy, strong, mysterious warlock. I mean, when you think about it, the possibilities are absolutely endless . . .
Moments when he won my heart:
*When he broke down, following Nick’s death . . .
*Anytime he uses his sexy, eargasmic, spell-casting voice . . .
*During his flirtations with Dawn . . .
*During his father/daughter moments with Diana . . .
For your consideration:
9. Prince Charming / James – Once Upon a Time
Who plays him: Joshua Dallas
Why we are “dating”:
There’s a reason the phrase “Prince Charming” has come to embody the Ideal Man. He’s strong, heroic, debonair, dashing, incredibly handsome, and, let’s not forget, how his KISSES SAVE LIVES! And yet, admittedly, in children’s books, I always found the character of Prince Charming to be kind of wooden, and woefully personality-free. Fortunately, in Once Upon a Time, the writers have managed to come up with a character who actually lives up to his name . . .
Unlike the traditional, born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth fairytale prince, our Prince Charming lived most of his life as a poor, sheep herder, in a remote town. He worked hard, took care of his mother, who he loved dearly, and expected very little out of life. In this new world post-recession world of 99%ers, where most of us “have-nots” deeply resent the “haves,” the fact that Prince Charming came from humble beginnings, and can, therefore appreciate the riches bestowed on him in later life is deeply refreshing.
And if that didn’t make him loveable enough, Prince Charming is also a dragon slayer, who put his life at risk to save an entire kingdom, and gave up his happiness to save his own mother’s life, when he agreed to marry a woman he did not love. But what really makes Prince Charming an excellent TV Boyfriend is the way he behaves around Snow White. With a disarming smile, sharp wit, and adorable banter, both Prince Charming and his Storybrooke counterpart James managed to bust through this slightly jaded woman’s firm walls and found his way deep into her heart.
Prince Charming literally lights up whenever he sees or speaks to Snow White. And yet, there relationship isn’t cliched or cheesy. They are both very strong willed, head strong, and slightly snarky individuals, who have fought hard for everything they have, and are inherently skeptical of those for whom things come easy. There’s is the kind of love for which everybody secretly wishes . . . the kind of love that makes you believe in fairytales . . .
And who doesn’t want a little fairytale in their lives, every now and then?
Moments when he won my heart:
*When he rescued his knights, and singlehandedly slayed a dragon, without any battle training whatsoever . . .
*During his heartfelt goodbye to his mother . . .
*When he “captured” Snow White . . .
*When he flirted with Snow White . . .
*When he helped Snow White battle the trolls . . .
*When (in Storybrooke), he came to Snow White / Mary Margaret’s school to declare his love for her . . .
*When he lost his own life (in fairytale land) to save his wife, and baby Emma . . .
*Everytime he said “I’ll always find you,” to Snow White . . .
Sometimes in our lives, we are looking to find our Prince Charming, and have our fairytale. Other times, we’d much rather date someone normal, with flaws, insecurities, and imperfections . . . someone like us. What’s so great about Matty McKibben is that he’s so incredibly real. Way too often television shows make teenagers act and look like people in their late twenties. But Matty McKibben is a genuine high school guy . . . a guy who most likely reminds you of someone you went to high school with, crushed on, and maybe even were lucky enough to date . . .
In the pilot episode of Awkward, Matty is depicted as your typical popular high school jock. He’s good looking. He’s athletic. He goes to the best parties, and dates the prettiest girls. He has sex with Jenna Hamilton that first time, more on impulse than, as a result of any sort of strong feeling he has for her. And he keeps their relationship a secret, because it’s easier that way, considering the fact that they come from different social circles.
And in a typical high school drama, that would pretty much be the end of the story. The “Jenna” character would inevitably find out that the “Matty” character is shallow, and using her for sex, so she would leave him for a “nicer” guy. But real life isn’t that simple, and, fortunately, neither is this show. As the series progresses, we get to know more about Matty McKibben. What we learn is that he’s actually pretty good guy . . . someone who’s loyal to his friends, to the point of being willing to give up love for their sake . . . someone who truly cares about Jenna, and tries to do right by her, in the best way that he knows how.
Throughout the series, we watch Matty learn from his relationship with Jenna, and grow from a seemingly dimwitted and shallow jock, to a surprisingly smart and thoughtful boyfriend. And in the end, when Jenna chooses the “nice guy,” our heart can’t help but break a bit for Matty, who, as it turns out, is actually pretty “nice,” himself . . . not to mention, smokin’ hot.
Hey, Mike Chang . . . wanna become be a LESS neglected Glee club member? Here’s a hint: WEAR LESS CLOTHING!
Welcome back, Gleeks! Has this most recent Glee hiatus left you feeling neglected . . . unappreciated . . . used up and tossed out, like a snotty old tissue?
Well, then, you are in luck! Because this week’s installment of Glee is all about that oh-so-familiar feeling of being left out, passed over, chewed up, and spit out. Talk about a “Feel Good Episode!”
So, ball up those tissues. Break out the comfort food. And crank up the volume on that SUPER depressing song on your iPOD. Because it’s time for “A Night of Neglect.”
Brother, can you spare a dime?
“Goodbye, money! It was nice knowing you!”
So, remember the Super Bowl Episode, when the Cheerios, upon losing their national competition, also lost their ENTIRE extracurricular activity budget, in favor of the Glee club? And then remember how, for about 3 episodes or so, the normally cash-strapped Glee kids suddenly had enough money, not only to travel to Regionals, but also to purchase massively expensive rotating sectional sofas to use as props for their in-school performances about the dangers of alcohol abuse?
Blame it on the alcohol . . . and a REALLY dumb plotline.
Ummm . . . yeah, well, apparently, the idea of the Glee club actually having enough CASH to attend Nationals was “inconvenient,” for purposes of this plot. Therefore, the writers had to find some way to make the Glee kids poor again, thereby forcing them to hold the “fundraiser” around which this episode revolved. So, the writers decided to have Sue steal the money, and reroute it into an “off-shore bank account.” SURPRISE!
“Just call me Sue ‘The Scapegoat’ Sylvester . . . everybody else does!”
And yet, assuming Sue HAS all this money (and can use a portion of it on her “precious Cheerios”) why is she even bothering sabotaging the Glee kids (AGAIN), in the first place?
Of course, to even try and answer this question, would require attributing something to this show that it clearly DOESN’T have . . . continuity. So, we will just move on from here, OK?
Anywhoo . . . so not only do the Glee kids need cash, but the McKinley High Smarty Pants, an Academic Decathalon Team, which, surprisingly, is made up ENTIRELY of Gleeks (Aren’t ALL after-school activities, on this show?) needs money too! This gives Will and his temporary guest star new girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow Holly Holiday the idea to raise money for BOTH after-school activities by (1) selling saltwater taffy; and (2) putting on a benefit concert with, a theme that is very near and dear to both club’s hearts: LOSERS . . . er . . . I mean . . . “neglected artists.”
*sings* “Soy un perdedor! I’m a neglected artist, baby! So, why don’t you KILL ME?”
Volunteering to perform at the event is Vocal Adrenaline Star, Sunshine Corazon, who has “600 twitter followers,” but still claims that she knows how it feels to be “neglected,” because she is “so very short” and “a much better singer than everybody else.”
Despite having been burned before, by a member of Vocal Adrenaline, who also supposedly possessed a burning desire to “help out the Enemy” . . .
. . . the Glee kids ultimately let Sunshine audition for the benefit. After all, they are Ridiculously Stupid, very much in need of the audience members Sunshine promises to bring with her to the venue.
In what was BY FAR the most riveting performance of the evening, Sunshine sings Celine Dion’s extremely-over played, but STILL fabulous, “All By Myself.” During her rendition, Sunshine captures the heart of a Very Special Gleek . . .
“Nice knowing, ya, Zizes! It’s going to be a bright SUNSHINE-y day, without you!”
“Dump me for the Munchkin, and I will LITERALLY eat you for breakfast, PUCKERMAN!”
Check out Sunshine’s spectacular performance (not to mention Puck’s SUPER mushy response to it) here; and you will see EXACTLY what I mean . . .
Welcome to the Legion of Doom!
While the Glee kids are hard at work preparing for their Night of Neglect, Sue Sylvester is just as hard at work, making sure it fails miserably. Except, this time, Sue is not alone in her Nefarious Plotting of this Week’s Evil Deeds.
(Seriously? Can Sue BE any more of a cartoon villain? Next thing you know, she will be petting a bald cat, perfecting her Evil Laugh, and blabbering on about World Domination.)
Helping Sue to destroy Glee club, this week, are former New Directions’ advisor, Sandy Ryerson . . .
News Flash: You are INDOORS! Take off the sunglasses, Vampire LeDouchebag!
. . . and Will’s ex-wife, and FAKE Baby Mama, Terri . . .
For such an “impressive” group of Super Villains, the Leagion of Dooms’ schemes to foil the Night of Neglect actually end up being disappointingly LAME. These plans include having Charise and her “600 Twitter Followers” ditch the benefit, at the last minute . . .
“That’s what you get for sending me to ‘audition’ at a Crack House, B*TCHES!”
. . . trying (and FAILING) to break up Will’s relationship with Holly . . .
(Of course, she ended up leaving, ANYWAY . . .)
. . . and hiring a team of “Hecklers” to make fun of Tina’s performance of Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers.”
Most Random . . . Team . . . of . . . Hecklers . . . EVER!
(And yet, they still managed to make Poor Tina CRY . . . THOSE BASTARDS!)
Which reminds me, is anybody else curious as to why Poor Tina’s musical performances always seem to end with her bawling her eyes out? (“My Funny Valentine,” anyone?)
As for Tina’s real life “Funny Valentine,” he danced at the benefit to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes,” which made me smile . . . both because I love Jack Johnson . . . and because “Bubble Toes” are just adorably SILLY!
This would have been a whole lot more appropriate, if Mr. Bubble Toes danced barefoot . . . and shirtless.
Granted, it was a bit disappointing that no one actually SANG the Jack Johnson song, as I think that might have been a nice addition to the performance. (After all, unlike, most of the other artists featured in this episode, Jack Johnson actually IS a neglected artist, one who is often vastly underappreciated for his unique talents . . . at least, in my humble opinion.)
I’d say Tina could have sang the “little ditty.” But she was still crying at the time, and, therefore, would have inevitably converted the song from “Bubble Toes” to Blubbering ones . . .
Speaking of blubbering . . .
Like a Virgin, Touched (with a Glove) for the Very FIRST Time!
No Glove . . . No LOVE, BABY!
After having experienced so much progress in recent months, it was disheartening to see Poor Emma having fallen completely off the OCD-wagon again, this week. Recognizing that OCD sufferers tend to see their symptoms worsen in times of extreme stress (AWWW! He’s been doing RESEARCH on her condition! He SO Luuuuuves HER!), Will gently asks Emma what happened.
“Carl’s gone. He asked for an annulment, which, I guess, he’s entitled to, since we never actually consummated our marriage,” Emma explains dejectedly.
(Oh, the judge must have LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, when he heard that one!)
“How old do you have to be, to look back on your life, with nothing but regret? Is 32-too young?” Emma asks sadly.
Knowing an “opening” (See what I did there?), when he sees one, Will sweetly vows to help Emma through this “rough patch” in her life. To “seal the deal,” he even goes as far as to put on a condom a pair of sterilized gloves . . . Yep, he’s a slick one, that Schuester!
Holly takes another Holiday (and this one may be permanent)
Watching the aforementioned exchange from a nearby window, Holly Holiday already knows she’s been replaced. But, to her credit, rather than stomping off in a Rachel Berry-like fury, the “adult” Holly sticks around to teach the kids an “important lesson” on the dangers of online (and in-person) heckling.
(Awww, that was great, Holly! Without your preachy and super annoying inspired speech I would have NEVER known that it was mean and hurtful to . . . be MEAN and HURTFUL to people. Thank you, for showing me the light!)
Other examples of the not-at-all obvious teachings of Holly Holiday . . .
Holly also performs Adele’s “Turning Tables” at the Night of Neglect Benefit . . .
Riiiiiiight . . . because the young chart-topping female / international music sensation is PRECISELY who I think of, when I hear the words “neglected artist.”
At the end of the episode, Holly sadly admits the following: (1) She has taken a substitute teacher position in Cleveland, and is therefore, leaving town and the showASAP;
(2) she knows Will and Emma are in love with one another, which makes it kind of inconvenient for her to continue being Will’s F*&k Buddy girlfriend; and
(3) she promises to return the next time she has a film project to promote sometime soon.
“You go and POP that Cherry WILL! Pop it ONCE AND FOR ALL! Do it for ME! Do it for America!”
Speaking of people who are about to DO IT . . .
I’m always chasing Klaine-bows (and so is Karofsky, apparently)
My favorite non-musical moment from the episode, BY FAR, was Kurt’s and Blaine’s visit to McKinley High to support their friends’ benefit. Upon hearing Kurt reminisce about the school, Blaine realizes immediately that Kurt misses public school, and all the friends he’s made there. Unfortunately, this sappy sweet moment is interrupted by the magical “surprise” appearance of Karofsky, who was pining over Kurt, dancing to “Bubble Toes”, rocking out to Adele “lifting weights,” when he overheard the new out-and-PROUD couple strolling the halls of McKinley.
In a swoon-worthy move, Blaine, who knows full well about Karofsky’s homophobic self-hatred, and how it ultimately resulted in Kurt having to switch schools, stands up to the much larger Football Player . . . even going as far as to give him a REALLY HARD PUSH!
. . . Santana positions herself squarely in front of Karofsky, and begins to tell him, once and for all, how things are going to be, from now on.
“See, here’s whats gonna go down. Two choices, you stay here, and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that’s your choice. Or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag, another day. And, also, I have razorblades in my hair. Mmm-hmmm. Tons, all up in there,” monologues Santana, in a moment that is positively FILLED with Awesome!
“If I wasn’t gay and secretly in love with Kurt, I’d be SO attracted to you, right now!”
What’s better, after hearing Santana’s not necessarily idle threats, Karofsky ACTUALLY walks away!
(Little do these two individuals know just how much in common they actually have with one another!)
Symbolism and foreshadowing aside, it was really nice to see Santana come to Kurt’s aid, the way she did this week. It shows fans just how far her character has come from the one-note villainess she once was, back in early Season 1 . . .
Speaking of characters who have come far . . .
Rachel teaches Mercedes the TRUE meaning of DIVA . . .
Of all the members of New Directions, perhaps, no character has been more outspoken about feeling neglected than Mercedes. And yet, as Lauren Zizes perceptively points out, though she may gripe and complain EXTREMELY OFTEN, Mercedes will ALWAYS inevitably cede the spotlight to Rachel. So, Lauren comes up with this ridiculous plan for Mercedes to ask for all these STUPID DIVA REQUESTS (A puppy to wipe her face on? Being carried out on stage in a Lady Gaga-inspired egg?), so that her Glee club mates know that she’s important.
Oddly enough, for a little while, anyway, this dumb ass plan seems to work, with Rachel Finn and Quinn rushing around like crazy to fulfill all of Mercedes whimsical desires . . .
But when Mercedes refuses to perform at the Benefit, it is Rachel who follows her into the parking lot in the rain and stabs her to death sets her straight . . .
“Diva demands don’t make you famous,” explains Rachel (and she would KNOW!). “Having talent does!”
“So, why are you a bigger star than ME!” Mercedes whines.
“Because the writers always give ME all the big solos and romantic storylines. “Because I care more about being famous, than about being liked. Everyone LIKES you,” Rachel explains, “Except for NOW, because NOW you are being a TOTAL ASSHOLE!”
Ultimately, Rachel concedes the closing number at the benefit to Mercedes, who sings her idol Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way,” to an adoring crowd. (OK, so have we just TOTALLY dispatched with the theme of “neglected artists” now? First ADELE, and now, ARETHA? Who’s next, U2? The Beatles?)
Of all people, Glee club nemesis, Sandy Ryerson, is SO touched by Mercedes performance, that he conveniently decides to defect from the Legion of Doom, and give all the money from his illegal drug sales to the Glee club and the Academic Decathaletes!
The random guest star has been REDEEMED! HOORAY! (It’s just too bad no one can redeem that outfit he’s wearing. Because that thing is HIDEOUS!)
Now, with Dustin and Sandy having totally FAILED at breaking up the Glee club, it’s up to Sue and Terri to finish what they started. *Sigh* Here we go again . . .
Oh, and did I mention that the “McKinley Smarty Pants,” led by Brittany (and her bizarrely Rainman-esque knowledge of cat diseases) went on to win the Academic Decathalon, thanks to the MOST RANDOM GAMESHOW CATEGORY EVER?
Oh, Holly Holiday . . . you and your WEIRD costumes . . . and your bizarre weekly historical tidbits . . . about women with Man-Hands who Loved Hitler! Now that you are really gone, I may actually end up missing you, after all!
Talk about a JAM-PACKED Glee episode! This week’s installment featured, no less than TWELVE SONGS (I’m still not sure how they managed to squeeze a plot in there!), a Regionals Competition, a funeral, a Sue Sylvester knockout, and possibly one of the most eagerly anticipated makeout sessions this show has EVER SEEN!
So much drama . . . so much music . . . so much trouty mouth, and big ass . . . heart! We better get started now, or we will be here ALL NIGHT!
(Note: All the YouTube Videos with the words “pixtiny.com” on the bottom, are not fully embedded. So, just click on the internal links to view them. The rest of the videos I included should play directly from this site.)
Kurt . . . is . . . in MIS-ERY! (And there’s only one person who could comfort him.)
The episode begins at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Dalton Academy, where the Warblers are, once again, bopping around their choir room awkwardly, like this . . .
(Seriously, these guys REALLY need to rethink their choreography!)
. . . while their fearless leader, Harry Potter Blaine No-Last-Name-Yet, leads them in a rousing rendition of Maroon 5’s Misery, a song who’s original version has been in high rotation on my iPod FOREVER since it was released last summer. Misery is pretty much your basic run-of-the-mill Warbler fare. It doesn’t look or sound too different from When I Get You Alone or Bills, Bills, Bills or any other ditty we’ve heard come out of Blaine’s luscious lips, this season (more on THOSE later). But since I absolutely adore this song, they get a Free Pass on that from me . . .
Now, while I may have given the Warblers a Free Pass on Misery, Kurt most certainly did not. I actually gave a little standing ovation from my couch, when Young Hummel finally called out the love of his life for being the Rachel Berry of Dalton Academy. “Your solos are breathtaking . . . they are also . . . numerous. Sometimes I feel less like I’m part of the Warblers, and more like a backup singer for Blaine and the Pips,” Kurt snarks.
“Oh, NO you didn’t!”
Oh, yes, Mr. Schue! HE WENT THERE! And, can I just say, it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME! Blaine looked a bit shocked at being called out in this way. But, to his credit, he neither denied what Kurt said, nor issued any sort of rebuttal. In fact, he actually seemed fairly impressed that SOMEONE in his group would have the guts to say this to him . . .
But, alas, all is not well in Hogwarts Dalton Land! Voldemort has arrived! The Warbler’s prized little mascot, Pavarotti, seems to have flapped his little yellow wings for the very last time . . .
“WTF Glee! You can’t kill me off, NOW! I was just two tweets away from getting my SAG card! Now I have to wait for them to make Angry Birds into a movie . . .
I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I did actually shed a tear or two for Pavarotti. This, when you think about it, is kind of ridiculous, considering the bird in question only actually appeared on-screen twice throughout the entire season. The rest of the time, he was nothing more than a yellow cotton ball in a Burberry-covered cage . . . And yet, Kurt has carried around that cage for half a season now! In fact, I’m pretty sure if there was a “Warbler Kurt” Doll, it would come with Pavarotti, as an accessory. So, when that little yellow cotton ball died, a part of Kurt died right along with it . . .
“I wish the Will Doll came with an accessory!”
Stricken with grief over the unexpected loss of Pavarotti, Kurt interrupts a Warbler song meeting, and requests that he be allowed to sing a song in the dead bird’s honor. The song he chooses is the Beatles’ “Blackbird.” Admittedly, this is a strange choice of song for two reasons: (1) Pavarotti was obviously not “black,” he was “yellow;” and (2) when it was originally written, the song “Blackbird” was meant to serve as a metaphor for the Civil Rights Movement, as opposed to being taken . . . um . . . literally. And yet, considering the alternatives, I think this was the best song choice Kurt could have made. Because if he had, instead, started belting out “Bye Bye Birdie” a la Sal Romano from Mad Men, THAT would have been super inappropriate . . .
And yet . . . at the same time . . . REALLY FUNNY!
Did I mention that Kurt showed up to sing his tweet-alicious solo, dressed like a cross between Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Christian Siriano from Project Runway?
Of course, the song was beautiful! As we learned from his rendition of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a few months back, Chris Colfer interprets Beatles songs like no other. But, for me, the most amazing thing about this number, was the way Blaine responded to it.
Most of us wait our entire lives to have someone look at us, with the kind of love and admiration that was on display here. I must admit, watching Blaine come to the realization that he was now, and had always been, totally and completely in love with Kurt, was enough to melt my snarky, cynical, and almost criminally unromantic heart . . .
Prepare to be awwwwwwwwww-ed!
Shortly thereafter, the Warblers’ hold their meeting regarding which two songs Blaine they will perform at Regionals. At the meeting, Kurt shocks everyone, by suggesting that, instead of Blaine singing both songs all by himself (while the rest of the group does the Pee-Pee Dance behind him and hums) why not include . . . a duet?
Blaine then pipes in and suggests that he sing the duet with . . . Kurt.
The Warblers’ put it to a vote. And, since none of these Cute Musical Robots have been programmed to do anything aside from hum, do the pee-pee dance, and agree with everything Blaine says, they almost unanimously vote to let Blaine and Kurt du-et with eachother. . . (Get it? Du-et? Sounds like do . . . nevermind.)
BLAINE: “If Pavarotti the Animatronic Bird has had more speaking lines than you, this season, please raise your hand.”
While “practicing” for his duet with Blaine, Kurt gets up the courage to ask his soon-to-be-Boy-Toy, why he chose to sing the duet with him, rather than one of the older Warblers. Blaine then sits down next to Kurt, and looks intently at him, with those big brown teddy bear orbs of his. “There is a moment,” he begins, when you look at someone, and think, ‘Oh, there you are! I’ve been looking for you forever.’ Yesterday, when you sang Blackbird, that was a moment for me . . . about you.”
This is the second time, in a single hour, that Blaine managed to give me chills. The way that Blaine then bent over to kiss Kurt . . . the way Kurt gently, and then more aggressively, grabbed Blaine’s face with his right hand . . . the way the pair looked at one another in complete awe and wonderment, after it was over, before going back in for seconds . . . it was all . . . MAGICAL. There is just no other way to describe it . . .
WATCH! I dare you not to be moved . . .
BURT: “I bet you are glad I gave you that sex talk NOW, aren’t you, son? Now, give me back my PAMPHLETS!”
Meanwhile, back at McKinley High . . .
Rachel is the Only Berry on Her Family Tree (and Quinn is just a B*tch).
Rachel is still trying to write an original song about something that doesn’t involve head gear. Her second performance for Finn, is entitled “Only Child.” In it, Rachel decries the horror, of never being able to sleep in bunk beds, and being the “only Berry on her family tree.”
Yes, it was a LAME song. (I, for one, prefer “My Headband.”) And yet, as an only child, myself . . . I must say, I can relate! (I always REALLY wanted a bunk bed . . . before I learned how hard they are to climb to the top of, while inebriated. Thanks, College!)
While Finn is not-so-subtly telling Rachel, that this is “Strike Two” on the Original Song attempts, Quinn is watching from a distance, plotting a Massive Rachel Take Down of Mean Girls Proportions. After all, Quinn NEEDS TO BE PROM QUEEN! And she NEEDS FINN IN ORDER TO DO IT . . .
(Ughhh! Can someone please knock this ho-bag up, again? I’m tired of Evil Quinn, or, as Finn calls her, “Scary Quinn.” I want Insecure Baby Bump Quinn BACK!)
Careful, Quinn! This guy wanted to be Prom Queen too. And look what happened to HIM!
“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” That’s the motto Quinn decides to live by, when she supports Rachel’s renewed request that New Directions perform original songs at Regionals. Quinn even offers to help Rachel come up with a new song!
Except, when the two do finally start to write, and Rachel asks Quinn whether she and Finn are back together, Quinn shows her true colors, by telling Rachel that she is not meant to be with Finn. Apparently, Quinn has given this A LOT of thought, because she then launches into this whole future scenario for Quinn and Finn. She becomes a real estate agent in Lima. Finn takes over Burt Hummel’s car repair business. And the pair live in town, raising lots of not particularly intelligent Fuinn babies.
Hey, remember when Quinn dumped Puck, because she thought he was nothing more than a “Lima Loser,” and SHE wanted to leave town with Finn, so she could move on to Bigger and Better Things? NO? That’s OK. Apparently . . . neither does Quinn!
“Like most of the characters on this show, I have a rare disease, which prevents me from having any short term memory whatsoever, beyond the current episode. Remember Drew Barrymore’s character in 50 First Dates? I’m kind of like her.”
Upon hearing that she doesn’t fit in with the Finn, and the rest of the Lima Losers, Rachel runs out of the room crying, when she should really be jumping for joy . . .
“YAY for ME and my eventual meteoric rise to fame (and subsequent stint in rehab, at age 21)!”
Inspired by her sadness, Rachel rushes home to write a song for Regionals . . .
Meanwhile, back in the Choir Room . . .
Trouty Mouth? Big Ass Heart? HELL-TO THE NO!
“Back up off me or I’ll EAT YOUR FACE OFF with my Supposedly Mondo Mouth which really isn’t that big, at all!”
Rachel isn’t the only Glee kid attempting to write an original song. Santana writes one herself, in an attempt to prove to Brittany that, after the latter rejected her for Artie, she is now “safely” back in the closet.
Except, the song that Santana chooses, while tauting itself as a “love song” to her “boyfriend,” actually has the unintended effect of proving just how attracted to boys Santana ISN’T. The song is called “Trouty Mouth.” And its lyrics, more or less, compare poor Sam’s lips to every kind of fish and slimy amphibian featured in a high school science book . . .
“Now, THAT’S offensive!”
For his original song, Puck serenades his lover girl Lauren with yet ANOTHER fat song.
“You’re DEAD, PUCKERMAN!”
Except, this time, he’s talking about Lauren’s heart . . . her Big ASS Heart. Admittedly, it’s a sweet song. The lyrics are REALLY clever. And Puck’s sultry singing voice, never fails to cause my panties to drop on the floor, every time I hear it. The only problem is that Lauren Zizes, DOESN’T have a Big Ass Heart . . . at least not from what we’ve seen, which makes this . . . just another thinly-veiled song about her large girth, after all.
But, hey! It’s Puck! And he’s hot! So, we forgive him!
“I get away with EVERYTHING!”
Then, Mercedes sings “Hell-To the NO!”
And it’s EXACTLY the kind of awesome song you would except this character to write and sing. No further explanation is required, really!
Brittany didn’t write an orignal song. But she informed us that her favorite song of all time is “My Headband” by diva songstress Rachel Berry. (Woah! Who’d have thought that Brittany, of all people, would be the character on the show with best memory for stuff that’s happened in past episodes.)
Finally, Will helps the Glee kids brainstorm a song idea based on their collective hatred for Sue Sylvester.
It’s entitled “Loser Like Me.”
It’s Regionals TIME!
The day has come for the New Directions, The Warblers, and Aural Intensity to perform at Regionals. They will be judged by Kathy Griffin, whose playing some sort of weird amalgamation of Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann. You’ve gotta love how Fox (a.k.a. Republican TV), by nature of Glee being one of its most successful shows, was forced to make fun of nearly all of it’s female mascots in a single hour of television! It’s just too bad Kathy G. wasn’t particularly funny in this role . . .
Also judging the competition is Loretta Devine, who appears to be playing some sort of take off on Whoopie Goldberg’s character from those old Sister Act movies. A cute idea . . . but . . . also not really funny.
Taking into consideration the seemingly “ultra-conservative” bent of the judges, Aural Intensity, led by none other than Sue Sylvester, perform the song, “Jesus is my Friend,” while holding hands, and morphing into the formation of various religious symbols.
Umm . . . yeah. I don’t have much to say about that.
We didn’t get to hear Aural Intensity’s second number, but I strongly suspect it was something off the Sister Act soundtrack . . .
Next up, are the Warblers. Kurt and Blaine perform a very sweet, and romantically charged, if not particularly energetic, rendition of Hey Monday’s “Candles.”
And then, because, apparently, the world would EXPLODE if the Warblers entered into a competition, wherein Blaine did not get AT LEAST one entire song to himself, Blaine sings Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” another song in high rotation on my iPod. (Hey Blaine! Call me! We can swap mix tapes!)
As usual, Darren Criss does a nice job with this song. And yet, I kind of wish New Directions had sung it instead. The thing is . . . for me . . . the Warblers . . . with their Pee Pee Dances, and their Hogwarts Jackets . . . just seem a bit too straight-edge to properly convey the angsty “I Don’t Give a F*&k!” attitude of this Anthem to Outsiders. But don’t take my word for it . . .
New Directions are up last. For the first number, Rachel sings the song that Quinn’s evilness, and her unabiding and inexplicable love for Finn have presumably inspired within her, “Get it Right.”
As she sings, Finn watches from backstage, and gives Rachel EXACTLY the same “I can’t live without you” look that Blaine gave Kurt earlier in the episode . . .
Don’t worry, Quinn. Knowing Finn (and Glee), Douche-Boy will be BACK in love with YOU again in two episodes, tops . . . (Man this love triangle is getting annoying!)
I have to laugh when, about HALF WAY through this number, Kurt turns to Blaine and whispers, “Wow, they are doing Original Songs.” (Seriously? It took you THAT LONG to figure this out, Kurt? Sex with Blaine must be killing your BRAIN!)
“Where am I? Is this Sectionals? Why aren’t I on stage? I’m part of New Directions too! Aren’t I?”
The Glee kids’ second song is the Sue Sylvester-inspired “Loser Like Me,” which could more or less, be Glee‘s theme song . . . if the show actually had one. The number even features confetti-filled slushees, and lots of folks making the “L” sign on their foreheads . . .
Back in the audience, Kurt (who, just five minutes ago, DIDN”T EVEN KNOW thathis friends were performing “Original Songs”) magically has the foresight to pass out props that are completely appropriate for this particular musical number. Go figure!
“Hey Blaine, I plan to use this on you after the competition. Pretty kinky, right?”
After virtually no deliberation, and no explanation whatsoever as to which teams come in second and third . . . SURPRISE . . . New Directions wins Regionals!!!!
So, Sue punches out the Governor’s Wife on stage, because . . . oh, who the heck knows!
The episode ends with the New Directions hugging an ecstatic and tearful Rachel for her remarkable dual performance, while Kurt and Blaine bury Pavarotti, clasp hands, and walk off together into the sunset to have hours and hours of hot monkey sex in Kurt’s bedroom . . .
During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun. But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting. And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .
This week, we learned that sex is fun. But there are “feelings” involved. And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18. Oh, also, wear condoms. Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”
And they said Glee wasn’t educational!
So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .
. . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”
You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?
The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely. Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members. And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .
Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!
Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible. (Hate to break it to you, Emma. But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . . . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.) The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”
More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one. The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key. Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .
“Omigod! They look like cow udders!”
Really, McKinley High students? Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .
In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body. Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .
Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .
Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it. Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber. “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.
Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.
Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex. Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence. Holly argues that celibacy for teens and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic. However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it. Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”
Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .
OH NO! NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE! Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.
Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years. (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?) But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .
“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”
Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire. But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right. His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex! And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help. (Note: I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger. Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)
Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees.
. . . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?”
The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER, BOYS! Because everyone has “A Random!”
Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .
We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . . . the coffee shop! (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!) Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal. So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .
But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy? After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one! So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .
I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .
With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . . . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again! But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!
You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:
After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers? Interesting . . .) Blaine starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance? Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces. So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .
Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.” Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .
For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine. I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .
. . . and Charlie Sheen . . .
Either way . . . NOT SEXY!
The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever. I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .
Blaine figures, if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST. And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . . .
Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share. (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.) Then he lets the other shoe drop. If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .
As a straight girl, can I tell you? These are SO HOT! (The acting is usually crap, of course. But, let’s be honest. That’s not why you’re watching.)
So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets. And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .
Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first. But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER! I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .
Here are the highlights:
“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself. You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something. It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem. Even though it feels like you’re just having fun. Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything. But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”
All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”
(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen? Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)
In other Sexy news . . .
“You’ve just been Zized!”
So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape . . .
. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .
Apparently, this is all part of Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” : “You’ve just been Zized.”
The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY. (Public School FAIL!) They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes. (What did you think I was going to say?)
Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN. Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!
You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him . . . but no.
So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .
. . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”
PUCK: “Haha, my evil plan has worked! I am so getting laid tonight!”
Meanwhile . . .
Boys are like Wasa Crackers.
Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!
Ahhh . . . Will Schuester . . . such a martyr. Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course! So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .
You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance. For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s. (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice. And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre. Sorry!)
The dancing was pretty hot, though! Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .
After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date. And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!
“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains. “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury. (You’ve got to admit. Girlfriend’s got a point!)
Speaking of virgins . . .
Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .
Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking. With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl, Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”
Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused. To give you an idea of just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:
-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight? Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way? Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?
-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background? That’s kind of kinky!
-Why are they dressed like THAT?
-Why is Emma so friggin annoying? I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex. In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.” Way to send positive messages, GLEE!
Of course, after the musical number, all is explained. (Well . . . almost all.) You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting!
Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”
As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER! See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing? I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another. In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself. “Have MERCYYYYYY!”
I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.
Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together. When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it. The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .
“I could have told him THAT!”
In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .
. . . these two doofuses are making monkey again. (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)
Speaking of making monkey . . .
Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions
Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie. And Santana was dating Sam. But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .
But don’t worry, guys! It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!” At least, that’s what Santana says! (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing. Now, I know who to call!)
In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone. And they never talk about their feelings. But Santana is not exactly the sharing type. And she tells Brittany as much. Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling. So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .
. . . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians. The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous. This scene was no exception. (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS? WHY?!)
Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it. And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course. Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something. So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another. It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.
At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .
Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . . (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)
After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.
She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her. In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires. Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.
“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.
Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away.
It was a powerful scene. One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris. It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief. And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.
In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode. Now, they are dating. Zzzzzzzzzzzz Yippee!
Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.” You can watch the promo for the episode here:
Ahhhhh, February 14th! It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust. On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen. It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble. It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of . . . intense nausea.
Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .
But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you. Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret. And here it is: I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes. And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).
Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!
So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!
Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)
“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes. But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”
OK, Confession Time! So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves. ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .
Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?
When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .
No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.
Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!
“This is a Promise Ring Pop. It represents the Duration of Our Love. I’m yours, until the last lick. Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”
To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s. Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.” Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.” Unfortunately, she never did . . .
Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted
But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.). So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls.
“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty. She was such a Naughty Natty. That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .
You GO Puck! RIDE THAT PONY! (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)
You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .
“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.
You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song? ME! Santana! After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck. And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded. Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?
How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?
Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because . . . Do I really have to go there?
Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .
So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt.
(Nice product placement there. But wouldn’t it have been better if we . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)
But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman. So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more. . . meaty. Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse. As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale. And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!
Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent. But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions. So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her. Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement. So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.
But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!
B*TCH IS CRAZY!
So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .
Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head ScratchingMind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE! Make it stop! Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow. (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)
And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .
But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not? He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!
Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?
“Oh, come on! Don’t dump me NOW! Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated? Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”
If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments. Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .
Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!
So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds. (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.) Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget. Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!
Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause. And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.
But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn. And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth. And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .
Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .
Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him.
“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”
“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation. (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)
“Don’t feel bad, Sam. Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”
So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .
Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .
Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening.
But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .
“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .
Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair. So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do? This sounds like a job for . . .
The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!
So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat. She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .
I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states. Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.
Did you ever see the movieSpecies, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds? Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode. Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.
Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .
The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .
Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .
(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart. Something tells me he won’t be alone for long . . .
. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future. Way to go, Samtana!)
While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono. Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right). But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is, he wants to bang her ANYWAY!
“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes. What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant? You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”
Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2. Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.
Speaking of Rachel . . .
Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)
“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”
Poor Rachel! She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck. This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck. However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her. Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID.
“What’s a girl to do?”
Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH. You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL. Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .
“W . . . T . . .F!”
When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.
“You need to shine. Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.
It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .
Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .
Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her. (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?) She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like. He tells her it made him see Fireworks. (Asshat! Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)
“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?” Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.
LIE FINN! LIE! SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!
Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.
YOU SLIMY BASTARD!
Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too. You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom. To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.
You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .
Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .
Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog. (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)
Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break. Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club. As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day. But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are. When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM. (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)
Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap. The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .
“We are not safe in the outer world! What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”
Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.
“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”
And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive. Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .
Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening! Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine. All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.” And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!
Poor Jeremiah! If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.
A Brief Note to the GAP: This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD! Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!
Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?
You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:
Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem. For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics. (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”) And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes. (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM! Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)
“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”
Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.
“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here. Think anyone gay works THERE?”
Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog. Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are. They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another.
“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.
“I can see a resemblance. Don’t you?”
“Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.
Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!
Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)
Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson. And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon. It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies. And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?
Ummmmm . . .
TINA: “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”
BRITTANY: “That’s SO HOT!”
(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one. So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)
Tears of a Clown
Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy? No? Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .
Please, lord, make it stop!
But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!
Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.
The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.
After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE? Way to live dangerously boys?). The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”
And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell. Did you like it? Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine? Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?
Question: What do Football, Fights, Zombies, Cannon Balls, and Flaming Boobs, have in common?
If you answered that all of these things were included Glee‘s Post-Superbowl Extravaganza episode, to help the show appeal to male sports fans, you are ABSOLUTELY right!
Interestingly enough, the change in target audience, did not at all seem to hamper the show’s quality. In fact, dare I say, making Glee more “Boy Friendly,” may have actually improved it.
I mean, sure, the episode was certainly not perfect. It lacked cohesion, and certain scenes seemed to appear completely out of nowhere (I’m looking at YOU, “Bills, Bills, Bills”). Yet, overall, it was a fun-filled hour, one who’s main theme — about football players risking their popularity to perform in Glee club — seemed to be a gentle, but deliberate, nod to the football fans who were watching. And the message was clear: “It’s OK, if you’re enjoying this.”
So, what are we waiting for, let’s get recapping!
Your Boobs are on FIRE (and Your Cannon has Fibromyalgia!)
We open on the Cheerios performing an obnoxiously over-produced, Half-Time show-esque, dance number to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.” During the number, the girls wore blue hair, as a homage to Katy herself. They also wore pointed cones on their chests, as a homage to early 90’s Madonna (?). From the girls’ Boob Cones, shot fiery sparklers (because boys like HOT boobs).
Behind the girls, were a few guys doing bike flips off a ramp. Of course, no one was paying attention to them — no GUYS, anyway — because of the girls and their Flaming Boobs . . .
If Flaming Boobs aren’t exactly your thing, and you weren’t a fan of the opening number, you weren’t alone. Because Sue Sylvester didn’t like it either, “I’m bored,” she whines into he megaphone, after the song wraps.
(As if knowing that Sue is talking about them, upon hearing these words, the Flaming Boobs fizzle out, unceremoniously.)
Isn’t Becky a member of the Cheerios? If so, why wasn’t she in this number? Does anyone else find this vaguely offensive?
After that, Sue makes a not particularly funny joke that runs on WAY too long. It involves (1) the benefits of stuffing one’s bra with chicken cutlets; and (2) having cheerleaders intermittently hit one another in the face with them . . .
Chickens were NOT amused.
Quinn wisely notes that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the dance number. Rather, Sue herself has simply become completely impossible to please. And no matter how extravagant the Cheerios numbers become, she will continuously want to top herself.
Sue doesn’t entirely disagree with this statement But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try and “improve” the Cheerios’ performance, in any way she can And so, while watching a cartoon featuring someone getting shot out of a cannonball, our “favorite” Cheerleading Coach comes up with an idea . . .
She will shoot one of her Cheerios out of a cannon, during the Cheerleading Championships! Specifically, THIS Cheerio . . .
“I don’t want to die yet . . . at least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled next year,” Brittany whines, upon learning that she is the “lucky” human cannonball.
Hmmm . . . Brooke Davis didn’t like something I wrote above . . . Maybe it was those two words I crossed out . . .
Fortunately for Brittany, she gets a brief reprieve from certain death. This is because Sue is willing to use a Brittany-looking doll for the “trial run.”
To Brittany’s horror, her Poor Unfortunate Doll Doppelganger gets blown to itty bitty bits of Blonde. Seeing this undoubtedly makes Brittany wish she had chosen a show with a brighter future to measure her lifespan by . . . Two and a Half MenAmerican Idol one of the 500 different versions of Law and Order, perhaps?
When Sue learns that she will need Brittany’s consent in order to make her explode, the “kindly mentor” secures it by giving Brittany a “We miss you,” card, purportedly written by the cannon, in crayon, no less. Later, Sue tells a still uncertain Brittany a sob story about how the cannon has two growing baby cannons at home, and one on the way. (Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.)
Eventually, Brittany agrees to literally sign her life away on Sue’s Consent Form. Of course, she signs using an “X” because she doesn’t know how to spell her name, apparently. (Sometimes they go a bit too far with the whole “Brittany is dumb” thing. Don’t you think?)
Jocks versus Gleeks, Take 252
It’s a tale as old as high school: popular versus unpopular, jocks versus geeks, football players versus gleeks. But at McKinley High, it’s way worse. For one thing, half the Glee club is also on either the football team, or on the cheerleading squad. This makes the school’s social hierarchy . . . confusing . . . to say the least.
“So we are Gleeks . . . and we are Footballers. Does this mean we have to Slushee ourselves?”
Additionally, Slushees ruin clothing, which is a HUGE problem for the Cheerios and Football players, none of whom seem to own any other clothing aside from their probably VERY smelly uniforms . . .
Up until this point, however, the McKinley High Football team has been able to limit their Gleeks versus Jocks rivalry to off the field. However, when a fight erupts between Finn and Karofsky that spreads through the entire football team, causing them to LOSE their game, Coach Beiste knows that serious measures must be taken.
And so, she turns to her new Kissing Buddy, Will Schuester, for help.
Will’s grand “Plan” involves Beiste requiring the entire football team to be part of Glee club for an entire week. The non-Gleeky footballers, not surprisingly, balk at the idea. Azimio for one, refuses to sing showtunes, because they were written by his “oppressors.”
Realizing that a bit of persuasion will be needed to get the football players on board, Will invites Rachel and Puck to perform Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” for the now doubly large Glee Crew.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Puckleberry duets, and seeing Puck strum that guitar, while crooning softly to ANY song, is enough to make my toes curl. But, honestly, considering the purpose of this duet was to convince a bunch of football players that Glee Club was cool, a slow romantic country ditty seems a particularly odd musical choice. I mean, why didn’t they pick a song the football players would understand, like . . . say, “We are the Champions,” or “Eye of the Tiger,” or “We Will Rock You,” or “Mama Said Knock You Out?”
Given the poor choice in song, I wasn’t too surprised when Azimio snarkily remarked that “The girl in the mohawk has a nice voice,” thereby prompting the entire Glee club and football team to erupt into a knock down dragout fight.
“Oh, NO you didn’t just make fun of my AWESOME Mohawk?”
One GOOD thing that comes out if this brawl, is the reunion of former besties Puck and Finn, who decide to put aside their differences (and by “differences” I mean their tendency to swap Rachel and Quinn with one another, every other week like trading cards) and unite to promote unity amongst the football team and Glee club. The bromantic buddies cement their partnership with a solid fist bump, of course. (How very manly of them!)
Sue Sylvester is SCARY, and so are zombies . . .
It’s a good thing Finn and Puck decided to unite. Because it looks like they are going to need all the help they can get! When Principal Figgins balks at Sue’s decision to shoot Brittany out of cannon, she suddenly turns into The Hulk, and inexplicably starts throwing furniture around Mr. Figgins office, and later the gym locker room . . .
Will and the rest of the faculty begin to wonder whether Sue has finally gone off the deep end, for good. But Sue stops throwing things around long enough to calmly explain to them, that she has moved the date of the cheerleading championships to the same day as the football championships. This means, not only that the football team has no cheerleaders to perform its halftime show . . .
Shocking, I know . . .
. . . but that Quinn, Santana and Brittany are once again forced to choose between Glee club and the Cheerios. (Of course, if they attend the football game, according to Sue, they will be off the squad.)
Will comes up with the idea that the FOOTBALL players, who are honorary Glee club members this week, anyway, will perform their own halftime show, along with the rest of the Glee Club. Coincidentally, this will NOT be the first time, the McKinley High Football players dance during a game. Remember the whole “Put A Ring On It,” fiasco during Season 1?
Most of the football team would probably prefer that you forgot this.
What songs will the Gleeks / Footballers be performing THIS TIME you ask? A Mashup between Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” of course.
Did I mention that the crew will be going to do the entire performance dressed like Football-Playing Zombies? (Oh yes, because in addition to being able to dance an entire music number, during the ONLY break they will have during a two-hour game, these footballers, are also, apparently, experts at the application of zombie makeup!)
Interestingly enough, this is how I look sometimes when I first wake up in the morning . . .
As for the Cheerios, sadly, Sue Sylvester bullies them into quitting the Glee Club, so that they can attend the cheerleading competition.
This causes Finn to want to lecture the girls about their Bad Life Choices, like the disappointed DAD he is. It also prompts Quinn’s not-for-long! beau Sam to rush to the girls’ defense. In an attempt to stay relevent to this show Macauley Culkin also challenges Finn for the position of “unofficial” Glee Club leader. Nice try, freshman!
Honestly, the whole fight is contrived and ridiculously stupid. But Quinn of course, who realizes the two men are REALLY fighting over her, finds the whole thing to be incredibly HOT . . .
“Now, if you guys would kindly take off your shirts and pants right now, I’d be SOO much happier!”
Pissing contests for Quinn’s affection aside, the footballers and the Gleeks begin to rehearse their half-time number. And I’ll be darned if they don’t do a pretty great job at it. Interestingly enough, it’s Gay Homophobic Bully Karofsky who shows the MOST musical talent of the footballers! So much talent, in fact, that Will suggests that HE join Glee club, for real!
“Karofsky is AWE-SOME!”
To most fans surprise, Karofsky doesn’t actually seem to HATE the idea. He even suggests that the Glee crew start off with a warm-up number, to ensure that the halftime show itself is absolutely perfect. For the warm-up, the Glee kids choose the song “She’s Not There,” which was appropriately originally sung by a band called The Zombies.
Things take a bad turn, however, when, after performing this number, the FOOTBALL players get slusheed by . . . get this . . . the HOCKEY PLAYERS, who “cleverly” argue that the football team has just been “turned gay,” because they performed a musical number dressed as the undead. (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “gay” uttered this many times in a single hour, since I watched that movie on Logo last week.) Of couse, the “gay” accusation totally freaks out the footballers, particularly the ACTUALLY gay, Karofsky . . .
This unfortunate incident prompts the football players to REFUSE to perform at the Halftime show, even though doing so will mean that they can’t participate in the Championship Game. (LOSERS!) Suddenly, the football team is at risk of forfeiting the game, due to not having enough players to compete. Coach Beiste tries to recruit new players from the rest of the school. However, no one seems interested in crossing the Homophobe Picket Line.
And We Are Singing About “Bills” Now, Because . . .
And it is when we are our darkest hour at McKinley High, that the producers decide to inexplicably cut to Dalton Academy. There, in the EXACT SAME LOUNGE where we shoot ALL of our Dalton Academy Scenes, as always, Blaine is singing solo, and the rest of silent Warblers, Kurt included, are dancing around him like the faceless, personality-less minions / disciples they are . . .
(Oh, Kurt! I know you want in this guy’s pants. But you can’t honestly say that his Diva Theatrics don’t piss you off, just the slightest bit? Especially after he waxed poetic about how everybody was part of a TEAM at this school. The Kurt I know would NEVER accept this kind of treatment! No matter how sexy it’s source!)
So, anyway, in typical Warblers fashion, the group dances uncomfortably around Blaine, as he croons Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.” Not only does the song sound REALLY awkward coming from a bunch of dudes, it also seems completely out of context in this football / zombie-themed episode. On a positive note, Darren Criss’/ Blaine’s singing is pretty solid, making what would be a pretty annoying song, actually fairly palatable.
But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself:
After their “song practice” Blaine and his loyal puppy dog, Kurt, head out to lunch with new gal pals, Mercedes and Rachel, who, in light of recent events, are MAJORLY depressed about the state of their Glee club, and football team . . .
I was more than a bit worried about Kurt applying for Stepford Hubby status, when he asserted that “We [i.e. Blaine and I] love football.” However, when he qualified that “Blaine loves football. I love scarfs” I felt a bit better.
As it turns out, though, Blaine actually DOES like football!
In fact, Blaine’s vast knowledge of pigskin (no pun intended) actually ends up coming in quite handy, when he informs Rachel of precisely how many football players are needed in order not to forfeit a game. This gives Rachel an idea. THE GLEE GIRLS CAN PLAY FOOTBALL! (Or, rather, they can lie down on the field, while the guys play, so they don’t get disqualified. How’s THAT for femisist rights!)
Let’s Hear it for the GIRLS!
Though reluctant at first, the remaining footballers ultimately agree to Rachel’s suggestion . . .
Though the girls initially planned on just LAYING on the field the whole time, a couple of them, actually ended up HELPING the team! For example, Lauren Zizes, with her WRESTLING background, had sheer force and intimidation on her side, making her a WAY more frightening football player than most of the guys she played alongside . . .
Now THAT is seriously scary!
But it was Tina Cohen Chang who REALLY shocked her teammates, by running nearly half the field, before being very roughly sacked by a member of the opposing team. Though her beau, Mike, was obviously extremely concerned for her well-being, as she lay on the field unconscious . . .
. . . he needn’t have worried. Because, within just a few moments, Tina was up and mumbling, “Did we win yet?”
Tina was ultimately carried off the field, a True Hero! (Now that’s some SERIOUS girl power! I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Glee!)
Tina’s and Lauren’s surprisingly extraordinary footballer skills aside, the team was still losing miserably, just moments before halftime. And so, temporarily putting Sam in charge of the team, Finn and Puck decide to salvage the rest of the game, by convincing the rest of the football players, as well as cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, to participate in the halftime show. Finn worked on the cheerleaders, managing to grab them, just moments before they went on the bus toward the competition.
Speaking quickly, he told the girls mostly stuff they already knew. Namely, (1) Sue Sylvester doesn’t really care about them, and is typically mean to them; (2) that she doesn’t care if Brittany DIES; and (3) that the girls are strong enough to withstand the miniscule popularity decrease they might suffer from not being cheerleaders anymore; (4) it’s hightime they wore something other than those stupid uniforms, for a change. The girls agree because that’s what the plot requires hem to do, and jointly tell Sue that they are quitting the Cheerios.
“You are all my stars! If you leave, I will have no performance,” Sue notes, admitting for the first time just how important these girls are to her success.
“Sucks for you,” snaps back Quinn, as the trio follows Finn back toward the football field.
Predictability aside, it was great scene. And, I’m not going to lie. Watching it, made me do something like THIS . . .
Karofsky For the WIN! (well . . . almost)
As for Puck, he had NEARLY as much luck with the football players, ultimately getting all of them, except for Karofsky, to suit up and participate in the halftime show, which TOTALLY rocked, by the way . . .
The performance was SO rousing in fact, that Karofsky eventually sucked up his pride, and joined in mid-song. He didn’t have any zombie makeup on of course, but it was still pretty awesome.
You can LISTEN to the song here:
After Beiste gives the rest of the football team the OK to compete, they go on to WIN THE GAME . . .
. . . but only because the team’s SCARY zombie makeup, and creepy repetitive chanting of “BRRAAAAAIIIINS,” freaks the crap out of the opposing team. Nothing like playing FAIR, right?
Of course, my favorite part of all of it, had to be when one of the kids on the other team started screaming, “He bit me! That zombie kid bit me!” (Now THAT was hilarious!)
Lest you think Karofsky’s about to run out and join the Glee team, after that one rousing performance . . . think again!
“Why would I want to change? I’m on top now,” asserts Karofsky, when Finn gives him his formal Gleek invitation (provided he head over to Dalton and personally apologize to Kurt, first, of course).
Note: A lot of fans were annoyed by this. But I personally thought it was the right move, on the part of the writers. For Karofsky to morph from Evil Homophobic Bully to Proud Glee Club star, in a single episode, would be completely unrealistic, in my opinion. Not to mention, I doubt the rest of the Glee Club would accept him into their circle so easily, after what he did to Kurt — nor SHOULD THEY!
The mere thought of it makes me weepy . . .
That being said, I do think the Karofsky character is on the path toward redemption. And I’m very eager to see where his arc goes. Right now, Karofsky is probably one of the most complex characters on this show.
Finn may not have had that much luck with Karofsky, but he did WAY better with Quinn, who, despite dating Macauley Culkin’s twin Sam for the past few episodes, spent the entire hour eye f*&king Finn. She then concluded the episod, by planting a fat wet one on his lips, right in the center of the school hallway . . .
Whatever Finn’s feelings for the recently dumped Rachel might be, you could tell that our resident Alpha Male was TRULY effected by Quinn’s kiss. Note how the Smitten Boy kept his eyes closed for a full three seconds after she tongued him, as if not wanting his Wet Dream to end! Now, whatever your couple loyalties are on this show, you have to admit, it was kind of adorable . . .
And given that this coming Tuesday is the show’s Valentine’s Day episode, we can be sure that this won’t be the last we will hear about that game-changing kiss.
Awww, don’t feel left out, Puck! I’ll totally make out with YOU!
And that was Glee’s Super Bowl Spectacular. Did you watch? If so, what did you think? Did you find the placement of “Bills, Bills, Bills” as awkward an unnecessary as I did? Are you a fan of this sort-of new and improved Karofsky? Are you on Team Fuinn? Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!