The Lazy Recapper Returns Part 1 – A Look at Sunday Night in Sweeps Week Television

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So you know how bears, gorge themselves on food in the weeks leading up to winter hibernation, so that they can sleep through Christmas, fat and happy, without having to worry about being woken up by those pesky hunger pains?

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That’s kind of how I feel during May Sweeps, a.k.a. The Month When I Watch Obscene Amounts of Television to Make Up for those Pesky Summer Months When I’m Forced to Actually Socialize With Real Humans. . .

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Of course, I understand that there are many people in this world who don’t watch nearly as much television as I do in May.  I’m just not sure what those people talk about with other people . . .

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That’s why I’ve decided to use my formidable TV Watching Powers for GOOD!

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In the next thousand or so words, I’m going to summarize for you just the important things that happened this week on Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men.  This way, if you happen to be a Non-TV Watching Person, you will have enough information at your disposal to fake it with your friends.  Sound like a plan?

Great!  Let’s get started . . .

Once Upon a Time  Season Finale – “And Straight on Till Morning”

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In the stunning conclusion to Season 2 of Once Upon a Time, the adorkable guy from Can’t Hardly Wait . . .

 . . . turned all Evil, and tried to blow up Storybrooke.

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If he was successful, everyone on the show would be dead except . . . Henry.

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 . . . which would pretty much make Once Upon a Time the most annoying show on the planet.  So, of course, Can’t Hardly Wait Guy had to be stopped!  Surprisingly, Evil Queen Regina was willing to die to service the cause of Less Obnoxious Television . . .

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But Mary Margaret said, “We can’t let Evil Queen Regina be the only one who dies in service of Less Obnoxious Television!  We ALL have to do it.”

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This was noble gesture, I guess.  But it put us pretty much right back where we started, in deathly fear of the impending doom of Season 3 becoming Once Upon a Henry.

Meanwhile, back in Flashback Land, Captain Hook showed off a softer cuddlier version of himself, when he bonded with a younger version of that Serial Killer from Season 1 of True Blood . . .

This, of course, made me exceptionally happy.  After all, up to this point, Captain Hook was my favorite character on the show, simply because he’s sexy.  I loved him, even though he was kind of a sh*thead.  And that me feel like a Terrible Person  . . .

But this week, we learned that Captain Hook isn’t really a sh*thead.  He just had a “bad childhood.”

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When Hook found out that Baelfire was the son of his mortal enemy, Rumplestiltskin, he did a really nice thing, by not immediately turning him over to that Scary Pale-Faced Lost Boy!  Hook bonded with Baelfire first . . .

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 . . . and didn’t betray him until the conclusion of the flashback.  And even then, he only did it, because the kid said something particularly douchey to him . . .

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In the end, Regina and Emma combined forces (in a particularly sexually suggestive way, I might add) to stop Apocalypse Henry Show from occurring . . .

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STORYBROOKE WAS SAVED!  Even better, news . . . Can’t Hardly Wait Guy kidnapped Henry!  So, what seemed like it was going to be the Only Henry Show, now had the potential to become the Everything But Henry Show . . .

But then the Storybrooke Gang found out that Can’t Hardly Wait Guy was working for the most nefarious villain of all time . . . Peter Pan?

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Peter Pan is EVIL?  The guy who gets off on coming into kids homes in the middle of the night, and taking them from their families, hangs out with Lost Boys, and refuses to grow up, even though he’s probably SUPER OLD, by now?  Next you’re going to tell me Santa Claus isn’t real . . .

Having successfully crushed my childhood dreams of Peter Pan as a “cool dude crushing on Wendy,” the Storybrooke crew decides it has to travel to Neverland to save Annoying Henry.  And guess who decided to help?

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Also . . .  This Guy . . .

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 . . . a.k.a. Hook’s Mortal Enemy, Rumplestiltskin.  Now, that’s going to make for some awkward dinner table conversation . . .

Also on Sunday night . . .

Revenge Season Finale – “Truth” – Parts 1 and 2

This season’s two part Revenge Finale was entitled “Truth.”  But, personally, I think it should have been called, “Those Bastards.”  As in . . .

They killed Declan Porter, a.k.a. Charlotte’s future Baby Daddy . . . THOSE BASTARDS!

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Conrad Grayson colluded with the Initiative (a collective of 1%er terrorists, who capitalize on human tragedy for their own personal financial gain) to blow up his own company, just so he could become EVEN richer . . . THAT BASTARD!

The Initiative tried to frame Aiden Mathis for blowing up Grayson Global, but ended up framing Nolan Ross instead . . . THOSE BASTARDS!

Aiden Mathis killed that Mr. Miyagi guy, Takeda, and tried to cover it up, so he could keep schtupping Emily/Amanda . . . THAT BASTARD!

Aiden wanted Emily to run away with her, and stop Reveng-ing.  But, ultimately, he let her go, because he believes she loves Jack more.

This is true, even though Jack’s been kind of sh*tty to Emily/Amanda lately.   And that makes Jack kind of a . . . wait for it. . .  BASTARD.

Daniel Grayson may have killed Aiden, and then showed up to his father’s inaugural thingy, wearing a shirt covered in the dead guy’s blood, like it was no big deal . . . THAT BASTARD!

Emily finally revealed her true identity to Jack, just as he was going to kill Conrad Grayson.  (That doesn’t really make her a bastard.  I just wanted to share the moment with you, and couldn’t think of another way to fit it in.)

And finally, Victoria’s long lost son showed up at her doorstep.  He’s literally a Bastard  . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

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Game of Thrones – “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

Many things happened this week on Game of Thrones, but only three stand out in my memory.  First, the guy who used to play Simon on Skins . . .

 . . . continued to torture Theon Greyjoy . . .

 . . . by taunting him with two hot prostitutes, and then CUTTING OFF HIS WEINER, before he got a chance to enjoy them . . .

Now, that takes balls . . . which Poor Theon no longer has . . .

Also, this week on Game of Thrones, Daenerys Targeryen, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains and Kicker of Asses, threatened to torch yet another city, if it didn’t free all its slaves ASAP . . .

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 . . .  She’s kind of like a hot female version of Abe Lincoln, you know?

But most important, to me anyway, was the moment when Jamie Lannister, formerly known as The Guy Who Pushes Little Boys Out Ten-Story Windows So that He Can Continue To Have Sex with his Sister . . .

 . . . won my heart.  First, he tearfully promised his reluctant companion-turned-obvious soulmate, the adorably awkward Brienne of Tarth that he would return the Stark girls to their mother,  to defend his lady’s honor.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough,Jamie returns to Harrenhal, just in time to jump into a deep pit, and SAVE BRIENNE FROM A BEAR!

Honestly, all I want from a guy is for him to jump into a pit and save me from a wild rabid beast, determined to eat off my face.  Is that too much to ask?

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And last, but certainly not least .. .

Mad Men – “Man with a Plan”

This week’s episode was called “Man with a Plan,” but it should have been called “Don Draper is a Douchebag.”

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You know you’re a seriously bad dude when you can’t even be nice to THE WOMAN YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WITH!

Fearing that the merger of SCDP and CDG, which he orchestrated, would cause him to lose his Big Boy Pants at the office, Don went all 50 Shades of Pathetic, on his neighbor / mistress, Lindsey Weir from Freaks and Geeks, by making her kneel on the ground before him and tie his shoes, forcing her to stay in bed while he worked, and telling her that she “wasn’t allowed to think.”

But the last straw really came about, when Don had the nerve to STEAL LINDSEY’S BOOK!  No one comes between a girl and her book. . .  NO ONE!

This heinous action caused Lindsey to awaken from the dream that she was dating Hot Mysteriously Broody Don from Seasons 1 and 2, and realize that she was actually dating, Self-Destructive, Alcoholic, Not-Quite-as-Hot, Loser Don from Season 6.  . .

So, Lindsey kicked Don to the curb, rejoined the Mathletes, and all, once again, became right in the world. . .

Unfortunately, however, Don’s reign of terror wasn’t over yet.  He later took his wrath out on his new partner, Ted Chaough, by getting the latter wasted at the office, so that he would embarrass himself in front of his employees . . .

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But ultimately, Ted got the last laugh, when he took a land loving, queasy Don Draper, up in a bi-plane during a rain storm, JUST BECAUSE HE COULD!

Pretty bad ass for a nerd . . . don’t ya think?

Elsewhere in the office, the rest of the gang at SCDP was getting adjusted to their new office digs, where some employees received warmer welcomes than others . . .

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Also this week on Mad Men, poor Joan Holloway had a bit of a health scare of the ovarian cyst variety.   Fortunately, that Adorable Ass Kiss Bob Benson was there to rescue her.  Not only did he personally escort her to the hospital, and get her in to see the doctor, right away, by claiming she accidentally swallowed furniture polish . . .

 . . . he even stopped by her home later on in the evening to check on her, and bring her baby boy the adorably age inappropriate gift of a football!

Hey, I know you guys all don’t trust this guy.  You think he’s a mole from a rival agency, or an FBI G-Man out to investigate the ad guy formally known as Dick Whitman, or a homeless man, or a homicidal maniac out to murder Joan and then eat her face off with a pair of chopsticks.  But I LIKE Bob Benson, dammit!  And until I learn otherwise, I’m just going to assume he’s a polite attractive, well-dressed, gentleman, who really, really, REALLY loves his coffee . . .

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And there you have it folks, four hours of television in under 1800 words.  Next up, the Lazy Recapper covers Tuesday Night’s Fox Finale Comedy Hour of New Girl and The Mindy Project.  See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr][Fangirls Forever]

James Franco is Hosting the Oscars . . . Seriously.

So, by now, you’ve probably all heard that the 83rd Annual Academy Awards (set to air February 27, 2011 on ABC) will be co-hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  And I’m willing to bet that you’ve had at least one debate with your friends recently, as to why that is or isn’t a good idea.

Perhaps, you’ve even read the interview, in which Franco explained his decision to accept the job hosting the Awards, by saying, quite eloquently, “Why not? . . . I don’t care.”

“Yeah . . . umm . . . I guess I’ll do the Oscars.  Whatevs.  I mean, I don’t have to . . . like . . . get up early for this, do I?”

“So, who the heck is James Franco?”  You might be asking yourself . . . Well, for starters, he’s the guy in that movie about that dude who chopped of his own arm . . .

 

All kidding aside, I heard 127 Hours was actually quite good.  I’m just too much of a Big Baby to go see it.

He also played a supporting role in the 2008 Harvey Milk biopic, Milk, alongside Sean Penn . . .

Tight jeans + Porn Star mustache = Super Sexy

Although these are the two roles for which James Franco is most well-known, he’s been in plenty of other stuff too.  Here are just a few of Franco’s “Greatest Hits:”

James played The Hot Guy in Freaks and Geeks . . .

He was also The Bad Guy in Spiderman 3 . . .

Check out Franco’s Awesome, “Bad Guys Don’t Botox” Face

He was The Stoned Guy Who’s Not Seth Rogen in The Pineapple Express . . .

And he was That Weird Guy Who Killed People, and then Painted About it on General Hospital . . .

But all of the aforementioned roles mean nothing, if Franco can’t host a decent Award Show, right? 

And so, without further adieu, I would like to present to you my argument as to why James Franco has all the qualities one needs, in order to be a FABULOUS Oscars host (complete with photographs, videoclips, and . . . well . . . not much else).

Like all the best Oscar Hosts, James Franco has the ability to stay “cool” under “pressure” . . .

He’s also real good with THE LADIES . . .

Franco is funny (though not always intentionally) . . .

He’s precise!

He’s hardworking . . .

 . . . not to mention, INTENSELY DEDICATED to his “craft” . . .

And James can be VERY articulate . . . when he puts his mind to it . . .

(Warning:  The below clip contains a bit of what your Mommy would call, “Harsh Language.”)

So, let’s put our Franco-fied doubts to rest, shall we?  When it comes to hosting the Oscars, our main man James, is going to do just FINE!  And if not?  Well . . . who doesn’t like to watch a good train wreck, every now and then! 😉

See you February 27th, James!

[www.juliekushner.com]

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 1 of 2)

It is probably no secret to anyone who has ever stopped by this blog before (or even just examined the above “collage”), that I am a sucker for Trash-tastic Teen Television.  I have been a fan of these types of shows since the age of eight.  That was when I first decided that I desperately wanted to be a teen.  And I have no doubt that I will remain a fan, long after I have cruised past “old age,” and am forced to squint through my coke bottle glasses, and smile through my dentures, at the sight of some pipsqueaks (who bear a suspicious resemblance to my grandkids) attending prom on my small screen.

“That is one hot threesome.  Oh, when I think back to my first threesome . . . ah memories!”

Having been around the “teenage television” block quite a bit since my eighth birthday, I have come to notice a few patterns among my favorite teen dramas.  Over the years, I have watched in wonder, as certain storylines traveled across decades,  time zones, and networks, just to reach my lowly television set, over and over (and over and over) again . . .  So I’ve decided to investigate these storylines, in hopes of FINALLY figuring out what makes them so “gosh darn special!”

1) “Hit me with a baby, one more time!” – The Pregnancy Scare and/or Actual Pregnancy Plotline

The Storyline: Our teen female protagonist has sex . . . usually for the first time.  Her partner is either a long, LONG time boyfriend, with whom she has been discussing doing the deed for the ENTIRE season . . .

 Or, conversely, he is a one night-stand, who she (a) barely knows; or (b) seemingly despises.  There is never any in between. 

In the very next scene, our protagonist learns that she has missed her period.  She is FLIPPING THE F&CK OUT!

She keeps her discovery a secret from everyone, except for her best friend.  And the best friend is inevitably the one who convinces the protagonist to take the pregnancy test.

Regardless of the pregnancy test’s ultimate result, inevitably there comes a time when our protagonist has to have “The Discussion” with “The Maybe Baby Daddy.” 

 Sometimes, he takes it well . .  . usually, he doesn’t . . . at least, not at first.

Now, if the protagonist ends up not being pregnant . . . well then . . . THAT’S IT!  Our protagonist is RELIEVED!  She feels brand NEW!  She’s CHANGED!

She will pretend this whole little sweeps week episode never happened (or, in the case of Manny Santos, and Degrassi, the U.S. will pretend this whole episode never happened . . . by NOT AIRING IT, until about 3 years after it was actually filmed).  However, if our protagonist IS pregnant . . . we get stuck with a baby storyline for ALL ETERNITY (or at least it will seem that way  . . .)!

Examples: Brenda on 90210 (not actually pregnant); Andrea on 90210 (actually pregnant / had baby / raised baby); Summer on The O.C. (not actually pregnant); Manny on Degrassi: The Next Generation (actually pregnant / had abortion); Liberty on Degrassi: The Next Generation (pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption); Emma on Degrassi: The Next Generation (not actually pregnant / feeling left out because EVERYONE else on her show actually was); Blair on Gossip Girl (not actually pregnant);  Georgina on Gossip Girl (To Be Determined?); Amy on Secret Life of the American Teenager (actually pregnant / had baby / is raising baby); Quinn on Glee (actually pregnant / had baby / gave baby up for adoption).

Why it’s a cliche?

“Hey there, boys and girls!  I’ve got a message for you!  Premarital sex is BAAAAAAAAD!”

Teen television programs tend to be written by adults.  And even the most hip and forward thinking adults, don’t like to think about their 15-year old kids f*c*ing eachother’s brains out like bunny rabbits on acid. 

So they ever so subtly try to scare the crap out of their kids, by showing them how having sex once can RUIN THEIR LIVES FOREVER!  It doesn’t really work . . .

This storyline is SO overdone that precisely NO ONE is shocked or dismayed by the prospect of a female protagonist  . . . missing her period.  Hey writers, want to REALLY scare your kids celibate?  Give your television characters crabs. 

That will permanently glue your teen’s legs shut for sure!

2) “OH NO!  You killed .  . . what’s his name again?” – The Death of the Peripheral Character Plotline

 

The Storyline:  There is this recurring character on your favorite show that has becoming increasingly annoying, of late. 

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just think the character really sucks. 

And you can’t wait for him or her to leave your television screen ALONE! 

You spend WAY too much time bashing this minor character on online message boards, and in snarky recaps of the show.  In those messages, you may or may not beg the show’s writers for said character’s untimely demise. 

Then the character actually DIES. 

And you’re secretly happy that you got what you wanted. 

But NOW you’re convinced you are very sh*tty person.  Because, REALLY, what kind of nice, normal person is HAPPY when someone dies, real or fake?  Even though very few of the characters on your show seemed to like this character any more than you did, while he was alive, they all make a big show of mourning and /or having a funeral for him or her.  

Your favorite character will inevitably give the eulogy for this character.  And it will be all warm, and fuzzy, and heartfelt . . . and, of course, totally depressing. 

And YOU will surprise yourself by crying like a baby when you watch it (probably out of guilt for openly hating the character so much . . . or . . .  maybe the scene just reminds you of a dead relative).  After the episode airs, the show’s entire cast will COMPLETELY forget that this dead character ever existed . . .

Examples: Scott on 90210, Abby on Dawson’s Creek; Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Johnny on The O.C., that dude Serena supposedly “killed” on Gossip Girl, Percy and Reed on Grey’s Anatomy (not technically a teen show, but still . . .), Vicki on The Vampire Diaries

Why it’s a cliche?  The “Very Special” Dead Person episode of any teen show is sure to be a ratings grabber, no matter how unlikeable the soon-to-be dead character was before he met his demise.  Plus, killing any character on their show (even if it’s just a one-episode guest star) allows producers to run that oh-so-original . . . “SOMEBODY WILL DIE!” promo the week before their episode airs, and you know how ALL producers LOVE that promo! 

3) “Hot for Teacher!” – The Inappropriate Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline

The Storyline:  The protagonist has a crush on his or her very attractive (yet obviously lonely, and very desperate), teacher. 

The teacher makes a lame ass attempt to rebuff the protagonists affections, but fails miserably. 

Soon the student and the teacher are doing the horizontal mambo together in secret. 

Someone always finds out.  Someone always exposes them for the sluts they both are. 

It always ends badly . . .

Examples: Pacey and Miss Jacobs on Dawson’s Creek, Paige and Mr. O on Degrassi: The Next Generation, Dan and Miss Carr on Gossip Girl, Aria and Mr. Fitz on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  Forbidden love is HOT!  And cougars are all the rage!  Plus, who HASN’T had a crush on one of their teachers and indulged in a naughty fantasy, or two (or twenty) involving same? 

 Mine was my freshman history teacher in high school.  He was pretty young, compared to most of my teachers at that time . . . probably in his mid-to-late twenties . . . and single.  Actually, he kind of looked like this . . .

 . . . only he was a wee bit older . . . and he generally wore shirts (unfortunately).  Coincidentally, Mr. Devlin, if your reading this . . . 😉

4) “Cheaters never win, and winners never . . . whatever.” – The Cheating on a Test / Plagiarism Plotline

Storyline: The protagonist REALLY needs to pass a particular test or ace a certain paper.  He or she is under a lot of external pressure to do so. 

 But something happens, so that he or she doesn’t have time to do the appropriate amount of studying and /or research.  He or she is tempted, upon receiving answers to the test or a pre-written paper, to . . . CHEAT!

The protagonist struggles with whether or not to enter into the dark evil world of “school crime,” but ultimately does. 

Because the character cheated, he or she does so well on the test or paper that his teacher inevitably wants to enter him or her in some national competition of some sort related to the aforementioned paper or test.  Smothered by guilt, the character eventually comes clean.  He or she then gets in trouble . . . 

But not in nearly as much trouble as the character would, if caught, in . . . say . . . the REAL WORLD . . .

“It can’t possibly be worse than when I got that awful haircut . . .”

Examples: Felicity on Felicity, Andie on Dawson’s Creek, Rusty on Greek, Lindsay and Daniel on Freaks and Geeks, Spencer on Pretty Little Liars

Why it’s a cliche?  One word:  schadenfreude.  You see, here’s the thing . . . every teen show has that one uptight overachieving character, who always gets A’s, is super judgmental of all of her “less brilliant” friends, and never seems to do anything wrong.  Admit it!  It’s kind of fun to see tight asses like that crack under the pressure . . .

Make that VERY fun!

5) “I’m gonna do real bad things to you .  . . and make you DO real bad things!”  – The “Bad Influence” Plotline

The Storyline: Our protagonist is going through kind of a “rough patch” in his or her life.  He or she is therefore looking to let loose, and have some sort of emotional and/or physical release.  In walks a character who is fun, adventurous, and more than a little dangerous. 

Our protagonist starts hanging out with the “dangerous” character a lot. 

(Click the internal link to watch!)

Before you know it, he or she is behaving just like the “dangerous” character, and getting into all sorts of trouble as a result.   

 The protagonists other friends are jealous of all the fun their typically boring protagonist is now having.  But they are also worried.  Inevitably, the moment comes when protagonist is about to get into a cr*p load of trouble with the “dangerous” character. 

 The friends stage an intervention of sorts. 

It works!

 The dangerous character rides away on the evil broomstick by which it came.  All is, once again, right (and boring) with the world . . .

Examples: Abby influencing Jen on Dawson’s Creek, Georgina influencing Serena on Gossip Girl, Damon influencing Caroline on The Vampire Diaries, “The Freaks” influencing Lindsay on Freaks and Geeks, that character Paul Wesley played on Everwood influencing Hannah on Everwood, that character Paul Wesley played on The O.C. influencing Ryan and Seth on The O.C.

Why it’s a cliche?  Everybody’s got a dark side.  Secretly, we all want to be a little “bad” sometimes.  The good news is that we can do it safely and vicariously, by watching our favorite “good” television characters “go bad,” albeit temporarily.  They have fun while doing it . . . and so do we, at least until their lame friends bring them back to earth.

Well, that’s all the teen television cliches I have for tonight.  But please tune in tomorrow, when I tackle love triangles, love-hate relationships, prom, the ever enlightening “trip to Europe,” and, of course, the dreaded ski trip  .  . .

Whatever Happened to TV Theme Songs? (THE SEQUEL)

A little while back,  I wrote a blog entry entitled  Whatever Happened to TV Theme Songs?  In it, I complained about the fact that most television programs today seem to have done away with theme songs, opting instead to use a few bland instrumental chords to introduce their show.  Some shows, like Lost or The Vampire Diaries,  have scrapped their opening sequences entirely.

When I was done bitching, I chose ten theme songs and opening sequences that I really enjoyed from my TV watching past, and shared them with anyone who might be interested.  And you guys seemed to like it.  (By “like it,” I mean you “clicked on it.”  For all I know, you may have took one look at the theme songs I chose, said “That TV Recapper Girl  is a total Poopyhead,” and slammed your browser in my face.)

But here’s the thing. . . .   There are SO MANY really great theme songs and opening sequences out there, that I DIDN’T get to show you.  And, for that reason, I thought it might be fun to try this again.  So, without further adieu, I present to you, ten MORE old school TV theme songs (in no particular order) that I find pretty cool.

1) All in the Family

All right.  So I can’t really say that this show was part of my childhood.  After all, it was already off the air, by the time I was born.  But I catch it in reruns ALL THE TIME, mostly just to watch the opening sequence.  I’m not entirely sure why I like it so much.  Perhaps it’s because there is something about Archie and Edith Bunker that reminds me a lot of my paternal grandparents.  Also, any opening sequence that involves that much ridiculously bad, off-key singing, is pretty cool in my book . . .

2) The Jeffersons

Like All in the Family, its spinoff, The Jeffersons, aired a smidgeon before my TV watching time.  But I watch it in reruns whenever I can find it, basically because I think its Sherman Hemsley is “the bees knees.”  He could just be standing around doing nothing, and I would find it absolutely hilarious.  Sherman is just so cute!  To me, he’s kind of like a black Danny Devito . . .

Did I mention that the song in the opening sequence is super catchy?  I still find myself singing it out loud every time I move into a new apartment, much to the extreme displeasure of anyone unlucky enough to be helping me move.  Just listen, and I dare you not to sing along!

3) Roseanne

This “smarter than it looked” show, about a working class family, was on the air, pretty much throughout my childhood.  During its nine-year run, the show’s opening sequence underwent nearly annual tweaks and changes.  Ironically, my favorite opening sequences for Roseanne came near the end of its run, when the show itself was losing some of the good humor and sharp writing of earlier seasons.  The opening sequences for the last two seasons of Roseanne, featured these really cool character morphs, illustrating how (for better or worse) the characters had aged during the show’s long run.

My favorite morph was for the Becky character, who, during the show’s nine years, was played by two different actresses, Lecy Goranson and Saarah Chalke (Scrubs).  The sequence morphs the two together, as if they are the same person.  My second favorite morph was for Roseanne herself, who made some really bad hair and plastic surgery choices during that decade.  In one picture in particular, her entire face seems to droop downward in a perverse, overly-botoxed sneer that actually used to give me nightmares.  When you see it, you’ll know why.

(Unfortunately, there is no embedding on this video.  So, you have to click the internal link, to watch it on YouTube.  Sorry!)

4) The Wonder Years

I loved this show when I was a little kid, for so many reasons.  For one, I thought Fred Savage was a total hottie.  I wanted to be Winnie Cooper, so that I could date him.  If my first TV crush was Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement, Fred Savage comes in a close second.  Also, the dad on the show, Dan Luria, looked a lot like my dad, which I thought was pretty cool.

And, of course, the opening sequence was amazing!  You see, I was an only child, and, from what I gather, not a particularly photogenic one.  Therefore, we never had home videos in my family.  (I don’t even think we owned a video camera.)  So, when I would watch The Wonder Years, as a kid, I liked to pretend that Kevin Arnold’s home videos were mine.  Sometimes I would even reenact Winnie’s parts, as I watched  . . . It was kind of embarrassing.

5) Blossom

You know what?  When I said that NO home videos exist of me as a child, that’s not entirely true.  I do distinctly remember one video that was taken just before one of my dance recitals.  In it, 7-year old me BORED MY POOR FAMILY TO TEARS, by suiting up in my dance costume, and reenacting the ENTIRE RECITAL, casting myself in all the crucial roles, of course. 

 Funny looking costume?  Bad goofy dancing?  I imagine it looked a lot like this . . .

6) Dinosaurs

The things you learn when researching a blog entry!  I distinctly remember watching this program as a kid, during ABC’s fabulous Friday night TGIF lineup.  The show was sort of a live action Flintstones, only all the characters in it were dinosaurs.  Now that I think about it, the whole thing was a little bizarre . . .

But regardless of the quality of the show itself, I remember really loving what I thought was the show’s theme song.  Today, I looked up the theme song to Dinosaurs on YouTube, and learned that what I THOUGHT was the theme song, wasn’t the theme song at all.  It was merely a song, and accompanying video, that was featured during one of the show’s episodes.  The actual theme song kind of sucked.  But THIS song was SO GOOD and SO FUNNY, that I’ve decided to share it with you instead . . .

7) Salute Your Shorts

By now, you already know how I feel about theme songs that  feature ridiculously bad and off-key singing.  So, of course, I simply had to include this theme song on the list, from a Nickelodeon show about a very poorly managed sleepaway camp . . .

8 ) Step by Step

Yet another installment from ABC’s TGIF lineup makes the list at Number 8.  Step by Step was kind of a revamped Brady Bunch for us ’90s kids to enjoy.  It starred Suzanne Somers — as the mom of a blended family — one who looked remarkably similar to Chrissy Snow from Three’s Company.

Around the time this was on the air, I was spending a lot of free time hanging out at amusement parks with my friends.  So, of course, I absolutely adored this amusement park-themed opening sequence.

9) Freaks and Geeks

I’m cheating a bit here, because I didn’t actually watch this show during its initial run.  Rather, I caught it recently on Netflix, and was amazed by how brilliant it was, and how many of its cast members (and writing staff) eventually went on to do bigger and better things.  If, by chance, you are interested in my take, on the show itself, you can find that here. 

However, right now, I am here to talk about its kick ass opening sequence, which features the rebel anthem Bad Reputation by Joan Jett, and accurately portrays the extreme awkwardness and pure horror that is Yearbook Picture Day!

10) What I Like About You

Even though it has been off the air for a few years now, I still enjoy watching repeats of this classic WB show about two very different sisters living under one roof, and navigating life and love in New York City.  On the surface, it looks like your typical cheesy teen romcom.  However, Jennie Garth and Amanda Bynes made the show way better than it should have been, with their amazing on-screen chemistry and fabulous comedic timing. 

But, of course, my favorite episodes of the show were the ones from later seasons.  After all, these focused on Amanda Byne’s character, Holly, and her relationship with on-again, off-again boyfriend, Vince, played by MY TV boyfriend, the painfully gorgeous, Nick Zano.  This guy doesn’t get nearly enough work these days in my opinion . . .

Oh, and did I mention that the show’s opening sequence features the cast riding and dancing around Times Square to the tune of Lilix’s awesome cover of the song What I Like About You?

So, there you have it folks — ten more TV theme songs to add to my collection of nostalgic television awesomeness.  Have I missed any of your favorites?

Go Greek! (It’s Guilt Free!)

Here is yet another blog post where I try to use my admittedly limited influence as a blogger to convince you to watch a fun-filled and entertaining television show that you may be missing because (a) it is not found through the usual channels (i.e. ABC, NBC, Fox, CW, HBO etc.); and (b) it is not particularly well advertised.  Now in its third season, Greek airs at 10 p.m. on ABC Family (during the last hour before the channel goes all scary religious).

If you’ve ever read this blog before, you probably know by now that I LOVE my one-hour high school teen dramas.  However, on occasion, I do experience some feelings of guilt and generalized perviness for crushing on / drooling over the 16-year-old male characters featured in them (the fact that some of these characters are played by actors who are actually my age helps a little bit, but not enough . . .).  Therefore, I was understandably pleased to find Greek, an hour-long dramedy with all the relationship drama, good humor, and soapy goodness of a teen show, but with characters that are universally LEGAL!  (A majority of the “Greeksters” are now in their senior year of college.)

Most of us are even old enough to drink without fake IDs!  Pretty cool, right?

Like Freaks and Geeks, a show I discussed in an earlier posting, Greek features, as its main characters, an older sister and her socially awkward, slightly nerdy, younger brother.  In the Pilot episode,  older sister Casey is a junior at the fictional Cyprus Rhodes University and an up-and-comer in her elite sorority, Zeta Beta Zeta.  She fears that the entrance of her geeky brother, Rusty, into the school as a freshman will cramp her style and spoil her painstakingly crafted reputation.

On the surface, Casey may look like the typical 80’s movie cliche, a pretty, popular, and vapid sorority girl.  And, yes, Casey is pretty and popular.  However, she is also smart, snarky, goofy, and insecure enough to be a truly likeable and relateable character.  Plus, Casey and her friends make up only half  of the show.  Rusty’s attempts to juggle a full load of engineering classes with his fraternity duties as a Kappa Tau, AND maintain a romantic relationship, add an entirely distinct and quirky level to an already enjoyable hour.  Rusty’s best friend, the uber religious and ultra nerdy, Dale, is, surprisingly, one of the show’s funniest, most unique, and best-written characters.

Of course, this wouldn’t be a teen/young adult dramedy without a love triangle.  Throughout the series we root for Casey, as she struggles to choose between wisecracking slacker Cappie, and spoiled rich kid Evan.  The fact that these two guys just so happen to be presidents of rival fraternities only serves to exacerbate matters (and make them more fun!)

Sure, Greek isn’t exactly the most realistic portrayal of the college experience (for that, Netflix the DVD for the too-soon-canceled Undeclared).  Even the hard-boozing KT frat guys look just a tad too pretty and well-dressed to be cash-strapped college students.  Plus, this is ABC Family, so there is not nearly as much sex and shirtlessness as there should be for a college show.  Nevertheless, Greek will undoubtedly  bring you back to a time in your life when your most pressing issue was whether the boy you liked would ask you to formal.  For that reason, it is definitely worth a try . . .

Freaks and Geeks – The Best Show You Probably DIDN’T Watch (and neither did I), But We Should Have

Before Katherine Heigl got Knocked Up, before Jason Segel spent an entire Hawaiian vacation Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and before Steve Carell endured the ignominious label of The 40-Year Old Virgin, there was a funny New Yorker named Judd Apatow, and a little  television show called Freaks and Geeks.

Although the show aired roughly ten years ago, I didn’t come across it until fairly recently.  I was looking for a prospective candidate to fill my ever-dwindling Netflix queue, at the time.  The show was described as a “period piece” of sorts, in that it took place at a Michigan high school during the 1980-81 school year. 

Now, as you can probably tell from this blog, I LOVE my high school dramedys.  Plus, I have always been a bit obsessed with the ’80s as a decade, despite the fact that I was itty bitty during most of it.  (The Breakfast Club was the first R-rated film my mother let me watch on video.  It is still one of my favorite movies of all time.)  So, I figured this was right up my alley.

The Pilot episode opens with a clichéd jock and his clichéd cheerleader girlfriend engaging in a vapid discussion about the nature of their relationship, while cuddling on the bleachers at the high school football field.  Within moments, the camera pans beneath the bleachers to reveal the show’s real stars: a group of stoners smoking weed, and a trio of nerds discussing Star Wars.  I was instantly hooked.

The series follows the lives of Lindsay Weir (played by Linda Cardellini of ER), a shy overachieving mathlete who becomes disillusioned with her dull life and quickly falls in with a “bad crowd,” and her younger brother, Sam (John Francis Daley of Bones), a good humored and intelligent, but diminutive and undeveloped (his voice still hasn’t changed) high school freshman.  Lindsay hangs with the titular Freaks of the show, played by James Franco, Busy Phillips, Jason Segel, and Seth Rogen (all of whom have gone on to become regular staples in Judd Apatow films).  Sam’s friends comprise the Geeks, who are played by Sam Levine and Martin Starr. 

Rather than creating a glossy and stylized version of high school, as most teen dramas tend to do, Freaks and Geeks portrayed a more realistic version of the teen years, one rife with awkwardness, discomfort, growth spurts and acne.  Unlike most teen shows airing during that time, the actors here actually looked like real teenagers (even Cardellini, despite the fact that she was already 25 when the show started taping).  They even talked like real teenagers — their speech rife with the trademark inarticulate umms and uhhs that characterize “teenspeak” (and, on occasion, my own “speak”).

Freaks and Geeks  stood out from other teen television shows, in that it was primarily NOT about romance.  The “couples” in the show weren’t portrayed as soul mates, star-crossed lovers, or adults trapped in young bodies.  Instead, the Weirs’ respective relationships much more closely resembled those of  my limited high school dating experience.  Namely, they were frightening and cringe-inducingly uncomfortable. 

I love, for example, how Lindsay’s “love interest,” Nick (Jason Segel of How I Met Your Mother), is not smooth or cool at all.  In fact, he is kind of smothery and more than a tad creepy at times.  Lindsay generally sticks with him because he is part of her social circle, and because she wants to have a boyfriend.  Unforunately, I too have been there . . .

Freaks and Geeks also took risks with its storylines.  One episode dealt with a hermaphodite student in a way that was surprisingly tasteful and heartfelt.  In another episode, viewers spent a good deal of time watching the Geeks watch a pornographic film.

So, if your Netflix queue has been looking a bit anorexic lately, and you are in need of some quality programming, I highly recommend Freaks and Geeks.

Oh, and did I mention James Franco looks really hot in it?