Tag Archives: full moon

Teen-ier Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Benefactor”

freshmen right

Ever wondered what your favorite werewolf teen show would be like if Jackson was its sometimes-furry protagonist, Danny was his kind-hearted gay sidekick.  And Some Douchey Blonde Jock (one of the Alpha Twins, perhaps?) and his girlfriend were his “super cool” pals, who secretly wanted to decapitate him for some extra cash at the mall?

hot jackson

If so, then I proudly present to you, “The Benefactor,” an Alt-World version of the Teen Wolf we know and love, complete with an Entirely New Cast, who Scott and Co. have generously volunteered to babysit for the next hour or so . . .

the new class

Not sold yet?  Did I mention the episode involves a Party?

heard party

dancing stiles moon

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, for all the glorious screencaps you see here , he may not have an age-inappropriate crush on Liam, like some of us (not me, definitely not me] ladies do, but he sure knows how to capture Scott’s Mini-Me in all his barely post-pubescent glory.]

Tie me up, tie me down . . .

Mere hours have passed since Sexy-but-in-the-need-of-some-serious-Orthodontia Sean was iced by Mouthless Morty on the roof of Beacon Hills Hospital (a.k.a. The Place Where Otherwise Healthy, or Mildly Injured People Go to Get Murdered by Psychopaths), and Scott accidentally bit young Liam while trying to save him from falling to his death from the roof of a tall building using (naturally) his mouth . . .

teeth

dentures-in-water-lg

nap time perpetuall

“I’ve earned this dirt nap.”

Sheriff Stilinski has politely shooed away his well-meaning, but generally useless, apart from the occasional “red-shirt” murder, clan of Keystone cops, so self-proclaimed “cannibal expert” Derek Hale can case the crime scene.

smells like teen spirit

Smells like Teen Spirit.

“Someone else was here,” Derek remarks sagely.  “He was young, attractive, not-legal, vaguely resembled Jackson from Seasons 1 and 2, and was apparently bleeding like a stuck pig, all over the damn roof.”

confused liam

“Who me?  Couldn’t be?”

“Good to know,” replies Sheriff Stilinski, who, unbeknownst to him, just so happens to be harboring the adorable twink in his bathtub.  (I hope they used Scrubbing Bubbles first!)

Soap%20on%20a%20Rope%20thumbnail

The definition of a good friend is someone who won’t judge you, even after you tell them you bit a freshman boy on the arm, tied his hands, arms, legs, and lips together with duct tape, and, without permission, dumped him in said good friend’s shower for safe keeping . . .

rubber duckie

“Can someone at least toss me a rubber duckie?  He makes bathtime so much more fun!”

rub my ducky

In case it is not already readily apparent, Stiles Stilinski is a saint for putting up with all of Scott’s sh*t  over the past three seasons.  (But, in Scott’s defense, the furry pal was surprisingly understanding, back when Stiles was going through his whole Evil Japanese Spirit Phase.)

i was going to take a shower

“Dammit Scott, I really wanted to take a shower!

What I loved about this scene was how totally uncomfortable Scott and Stiles became at the site of Liam’s Crocodile Tears, when they were trying to explain to the kid why they felt it necessary to kidnap his ass and deprive him of the use of his limbs.

behave

“Now you behave!”

da fuck

“Says the guy who just kidnapped me, thereby committing a felony . . .”

(It is a universal truth that men are as skeeved out by the sight of people crying, as they are by even the most remote mention of women’s “monthly changes.”)

ew face

“Ewwww emotions, gross!”

Liam, apparently, knew this.  (Maybe he has sisters?)  And used it to his advantage, getting Scott and Stiles to untie his ass, and drop their guard, just long enough for him to smack them on the heads with a chair, and make his death-defying escape.

chair

“You just got chair-ed, chumps!”

“What the heck is your problem, Liam?”  Stiles whined, clearly offended by the rudeness of his hostage, who left without even thanking his captors for their hospitality.  (That tub was sparkling clean!  Not that self-absorbed Liam would notice!)

that went a whole lot better in my head

“Does this mean you don’t want to borrow my bathrobe?”

Meanwhile, in a sparsely furnished apartment, where no one ever heard of a lamp, downtown . . .

Don’t Worry Peter.   Derek is next .  . .

Question, what’s the first thing you do when you enter an apartment, and know for a fact that no one else is home?

looking good peter hale

“Hello Darkness, my old friend.”

You know what I do?  I TURN ON LIGHTS!  LOTS OF THEM!  It’s a pesky little idiosyncrasy of mine: I like to see where I’m going, make sure there aren’t any mouthless axe murderers with laptop computers that make their voices sound like Darth Vader, lying In wait for my arrival . . .

check out my new outfit

 

“If no one turns on the lights, how can they appreciate my swanky new outfit!”

Not Peter though, “Hi Honey, I’m home,” he calls out, arms outstretched, as if waiting for a big ole dudebro hug from his nephew Derek, or an axe in the chest from Mouthless Morty, whichever comes first . . .

that stings

“This kind of stings.  Not going to lie.”

What sucks for Peter is that, in this particular instance, he seems to just be a guy in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time.  Despite the fact that seemingly everybody and there mother would like to brutally murder Peter, in this instance, Mouthless Morty just finds this Scar to Derek’s Mufasa, a trifling inconvenience, a non-worthwhile target, which is why he axes him in the chest, as opposed to the carotid artery, a shot to maim, not to kill . . . a message to the True Target that his days are numbered  . . ..

better i know what you

shhhh

Speaking of Scar and Mufasa, let’s check back in on our little Simba Scott and his cubbie pals, shall we?

baby simba

50 Shades of Malia

Sheriff Stilinski has learned a lot since Season 1, like, for example, not to question his son, when he’s trying out a new-old set of chains on his new-soon-to-be-old girlfriend .  . .

not what you think

dont want to know

Hey Stilinski, considering how every single other one of your furry friends has managed to escape from your sorry attempts at bondage during the full moon, don’t you think it’s time to splurge on something . . . I don’t know, a little stronger, perhaps?

chains

chain yank

3 5 chained mike

Or, at least, a matching set of whips and some chaps.  What kind of sadist, doesn’t wear chaps?  A second rate one, that’s who!

Speaking of Malia, Kira gently suggests to Lydia that the reason their new gal pal is failing pre-calc, might be the ridiculously incomprehensible notes with which genius Lydia is providing her every single school night . . .

the key

“You know what we can really use right about now, a key.”

“I’ve been a bit distracted, lately,” admits a guilty-looking Lydia, who has most certainly not been deliberately sabotaging the studies of her former male love interest, as a way to get her left back a grade, and out of the social circle, no sir!

lydia smirk

In other news, did someone say, “Keys to an abandoned Lake House on the night of a Full Moon?”

I don’t know about you, but I sure smell an Underage Orgy in the making .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Speaking of unseemly scents .  . .


“The Bite is the Gift . . . that Keeps on Giving  .  . . Like Herpes, or HPV”

Hey Liam, I know that riding the bus to school isn’t exactly a surefire path to high school popularity, but neither is stumbling into homeroom drenched in stress sweat, after sprinting a 5K on a leg you supposedly recently broke during lacrosse practice . .  .

running man li

“Can I interest you in borrowing some Old Spice Body Spray?   It made a man out of me, just like the commercial said!”

So, remember that time when Derek stalked Scott around school, spouting out Yoda-like pearls of wisdom, including sparkling pearls of wisdom like “The bite is a gift,” and “Your life is about to undergo some serious changes.”

scary derek

But we weren’t at all supposed to find it creepy, because Derek owned a leather jacket and looked like this, without his shirt on?

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

Yeah, this isn’t quite working for Scott . . .

ill be watching you

the gift

4 4 quit stalking

Face it, McCall, you are never going to be a Cool Hot Older Brother Figure like Derek, or a Suave Snarky Evil Uncle like Peter, if you want Little Liam to listen to you, disarm him, the way you do everyone else on this show, with your Magical Nerd Charms . . .

ephemeral

. . . or, just pimp out your hot Asian girlfriend and her “adorable” inability to walk on two legs, without falling on her face . . .

walk

fall

party

love it

“Teeny Wolf like, a lot!”

You wouldn’t like Li, when he’s angry . . .

So,you say you have a new young friend with “Anger Management Issues,” who is going through some “personal stuff” that just so happens to coincide with the night of the full moon?

scott dog dish

wolf pack turne

No big deal, just try to chain him up in a secluded area, in a close proximity to Lots of Innocent Teenagers!

After all, it worked out so well .  . . All Those Other Times, remember?

wake uppppp stiles

As enamored as Liam may, at first, be with Kira, a.k.a  She Who Sexy Walks in Slow Motion, Before Falling Flat on her Face, and inviting random freshmen to her party, that fascination quickly fades when she brings him to what seriously looks like the Worst Party Ever, hosted by none other than, the Creepy Guy Who Bit Him in the Arm, and the Other Creepy Guy Who Helped Keep Him Tied Up in the Bathtub.

worst party ever

headache

Introductions are quickly made around the room, as everybody tells the new kid about their super cool supernatural alter ego . . . except Stiles, who used to be evil, but now . . . isn’t.  Malia even flashes her shiny new blue color contacts at Liam, which only serves to make him REALLY, REALLY PISSED OFF . . .

blue eyes

cock blocker

“Hey, Blue Eyes aren’t just something you can turn on and off at will, dammit!  They are special genetic anomalies!  And my parents worked hard to get me mine . . . and by worked hard, I mean, had sex with each other.”

And like any hormonal boy would, he decides to take his anger out on the hard wood floors of Lydia’s parents lake house .  . .

floor ruiner

lyd screams

That’s when the cavalry arrives . . .

where da party at

You ever decide to have a small intimate gathering of friends at your house .  . .

more dancing stiles

. . . and one or two of your friends casually mention it to some of their friends . . .

secret circle 8 face off

. . . and those friends mention it to a few other people, who are kind of your friends, but not really . . .

JOE JONAS, DEMI LOVATO

.  . . and then, before you know it, everybody and their mother is waiting outside on your front doorstep?

hey hey hey

Well, that’s kind of what happened here . . .

Elsewhere in Town, Mouthless Morty has oh so conveniently left his Darth Vader Voice (complete with matching Evil Glove) at Derek’s apartment, enabling the Sheriff and his pals to determine that he (1) has a military background; (2) is a hitman getting paid off by someone called . . . I’ll give you a hint . . . it’s the title of this episode . . .

benefactor

the clue

“I think its time we upgraded our computers.”

Taming the Beast

Back at Werewolf House Party 2 – Electric Boogaloo, Kira and Scott drag an already wolfing out Liam (gold eyes, not blue, so, anger management problems aside, he hasn’t murdered anyone . . . yet) to a nearby boat house, where Kira, who has a talent for wielding all things long, pointy and phallic looking, whacks Liam in the noggin with an oar.  The hit is hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to scar his pretty boy face.  (Clearly, Jeff Davis knows where his bread is buttered.)

thwack smash

peaceful

Things are going slightly less smoothly in the basement of Lydia’s house, where Stiles and Malia are engaging in some pillow talk.  “I want to rip out your heart and crush it with my bare hands,” Malia offers flirtatiously.

this is my happy face

“This is my happy face.”

“Been there, done that,” remarks Stiles casually.

winky stiles

Clearly, this is not his first time at the S&M rodeo.

You’ve really got to hand it to the little guy.  I mean, he’s in this relationship with Malia for the long haul, and clearly he’s not just into her because her looks . . .

bad hair day

“Bad hair day?”

out of shape stiles

Don’t feel bad, Malia.  After a rough night of drinking, we’ve all had some mornings, when we looked like this . . . It’s nothing a really large pair of sunglasses, and some heavy duty foundation couldn’t cure!

You know what makeup can’t cure though, not having a head, as secret werewolf Logan the Beer Keg guy learns when new chick Violet garrotes him with her necklace, only to return to the party moments later to swap spit with her boyfriend, Douchey Garrett.

hate my job

“I hate my job.”

lost my head

“Lost my head.”

Now, that’s just cold!

he had it coming he was overcharging

“He had it coming.  He was overcharging for beer.”

Naughty and Nice

If I had to offer up an early pick for Favorite Teenier Wolf newbie, I’d definitely go with Mason.  He’s quiet, mild mannered, super polite, and even knows how to get red wine stains out of a white carpet.  Talk about a useful guy to have around in a pinch!

nooo

oop

the carpet whisperer

“Have no fear.  I am the Carpet Whisperer.”

Unfortunately, Lydia has much more pressing problems than a few unsightly stains.  She’s got faces peeking out of her walls!

abstract art

“This is the ugliest piece of abstract art I have ever seen.”

Now THAT is going to knock at least 100K off the sales price . . .

Over in the boat house, virginal Kira shows her naughty side by trying to sexually arouse Scott enough to get him to wolf out, while poor Liam is stuck watching and wondering what might have been.

smack lick

boner

“Eye boner.”

B*tch!  No wonder the kid is pissed off!  Blue balls are real. And I’ve been told they hurt . . . a lot!

cock blocker

blue balls

Control is Overrated

These are the words Stiles use to break through to Malia, and convince her not to break his face.

confused-monkey

Wait . . . WHAT?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Stiles, so much that pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is pure gold to me.  But when it comes to inspirational speeches, this one strikes me as a bit stale.

good stiles

Don’t hate me yet.  Just hear me out.  Stiles tells Malia that a part of him liked being the Nogitsune, because it made him feel in control .  . .

stiles kicks kiras ass

stiles no

Except he wasn’t in control, he was possessed.   And Malia is not in control when she looks like something out of a Japanese horror movie, while threatening to rip out Stiles’ skull in monster voice.

If you ask me, I think control has been vastly underrated . . .

But what do I know?   I’m not a were-anything . . .

abominable snowman

On one of the message boards it was suggested that this concept of “losing control” to “gain control,” has much less to do with Stiles and Malia, and more to do with Scott FINALLY gaining the power to become the Gorilla Thing his True Alpha self has instinctively shied away from being for a season and a half . . .

alpha now

alpha at the window

Maybe  this whole control theme is all about the Scooby Gang of Beacon Hills accepting the things about themselves they cannot change, and becoming stronger for it . . .

Then again, maybe Jeff Davis just wrote the line “Control is Overrated,” because he thought it would look good on a t-shirt . . .

gives me joy

I Got Your Text

I may have spoken a bit too soon, when I chastised Mouthless Morty for leaving his Voicebox at the scene of the crime.  As a turns out, this was all an elaborate trap, designed to get Derek to track (via WiFi, naturally) Morty to the high school, where he could tomahawk his ass, without all those pesky cops get in the way . . .well . . . almost all of those pesky cops . . .

fight

In other technology news, Papa Argent may not like to shave anymore.  And he probably won’t answer your phone calls, or respond to your E-Vites.  But he can always be counted on to respond to your text messages .  . . particularly when they say something to the effect of: “Teenie Wolf is about to kick my True Alpha Ass.  How embarrassing!  SOS!”

beard ba

Speaking of Argents, I bet you’ll never guess which recently departed one’s name happens to be the key to crack the jibberish code all those dead supernaturals were forcing Lydia to jot down compulsively in her Pre-Calculus notebook . .  .

key allison

scream for al

That’s right . . . ALLISON, subconsciously leading were creatures to their untimely demises, since some time in the mid-nineties . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

You’re not a Monster (But you sure look like one!)

Bonus points for any Werebanger, who didn’t have to stifle a laugh when Sheriff Stilinski attempted to read Mouthless Morty his Miranda Rights, when he arrested him in the hallway of Beacon Hills High.

remain silent

haha

But, of course, the episode MVP award must go to Peter Hale, who waltzed into the school like a BAMF just as the arrest was happening, and casually, calmly and quietly, murdered the living stuffing out of Mouthless Morty, then proceeded to yank out his guts, just to be absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back to life, ala Kate . . .

ass kcik

finish-him-o

finish hi

Sometimes sociopathy can be really hot . . .

large and in charge

Elsewhere, after an entire episode of pussy-footing around Liam, Scott finally found his balls, and forced Liam to give him some friggin respect, by red eyeing his ass. “You’re not a monster.  You’re a werewolf, like me.  (Except, I’m cooler than you, because I have red eyes.  Remember that, b*tch!”)

you are like e

my hero

my hero

Liam looks vaguely impressed.  Then again, maybe he’s just tired.  He’s had a really crappy night.

So, why didn’t Scott just do his whole “Alpha Roar” thing to gain dominion over Beta Liam, in the first place?  (It certainly would have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble, rescued Lydia’s carpet from wine, saved Beer Boy Logan from losing his head, literally, and prevented that window from being broken . . .)

stefan shrug

Well, that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?

Speaking of fun, hey Scooby Gang.  The Benefactor says you’re all going to die!  And what’s worse, all the other supernaturals in Beacon Hills are apparently worth more money than you chumps . . .

dead pool

more dead pool

Sucks to be you!

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Until next time, Werebangers!

 

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Graveyard Shift – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Omega” and “Shape Shifted”

[I didn’t forget about you, my Pretties!  A recap for Pretty Little Liars’ “It Happened That Night” should be up within the next 24-hours.  I promise to try and make it extra special snarky, and screencappy, so that (hopefully) it will be worth the wait.]

 

Welcome back, Werebangers!  With a brand new, more than a bit porn-y, opening sequence . . .

. . .  and a slew of new characters on both sides of the werewolf / hunter divide, Teen Wolf’s actors and writers have promised that this season will be sexier, darker, gorier, and more frightening than the last. So, of course, this begs the question:  Did the first two episodes deliver?

Let’s review, shall we?

(As always, I’d like to offer a hearty were-banging thank you to my good pal Andre, for the awesome screencaps you see here . . . particularly the shirtless ones. ;))

-OMEGA-

Slippery When Wet

Jackson waits, while a school of female fish shove dollar bills in his underpants.

One thing can be said for the writers of Teen Wolf . . . they sure do know their audience.  Opening the episode with a wet, ripped-shirted Jackson, emerging from a river, in all his rippling pectoral glory, was an absolutely ingenious move.

 “Here’s the bite that I knew was there all along, but I’m going to pretend to be surprised about, so that you can look at my arm muscles, while I flex.”

In fact, I bet 98% of viewers were so aroused by the sight, they completely failed to realize that it had no significance to the plot, whatsoever.  Then again, lizards / shapeshifters enjoy the water . . . Like I said . . . brilliant.

Source 

You know what was slightly less brilliant?  This . .  .

“Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Scott Receives an Ultimatum / Gets the Runs

Poor Scott!  Only you (and some REALLY bad CGI graphics) can make the sight of a wolf-in-heat, rushing to hump his prime mate,  look like a constipated crab on acid.

“Doh!”

On one hand, I truly appreciated the effort the producers put into this scene.  It would have been much easier for them to go with the tried and true “Superman Effect,” in attempting to illustrate that Scott . . . um . . . runs fast, now that he’s lupine.  But we’ve all seen that before.  I can guarantee that you’ve never seen this.  So, it was something new . . . new and unintentionally hilarious.  But new, nonetheless.

We interuppt this Constipated Crab Moment to bring you a flashback  . .  one that presumably takes place in the not-too-distant past, but definitely after the events of the season finale.  Scott and Alli are hard at work sucking face in Alli’s car.  (At least, I think it’s Alli’s.  Scott still doesn’t have his own wheels, right?)

ALLISON” “Uh, Scott?  I don’t know how to tell you this, but you kind of have dog breath.”

SCOTT:  “Sorry.  I ate a squirrel on the way over here.”

All of the suddden, Papa Arent rips Scott out of the car by his shirt, and pins him violently against the hood of the car, pressing the barrel of a gun right into his skin.

Foreplay?

My first instinct was to think that this was a really dumb move on Daddy’s part.  After all, threatening a horny werewolf like that is the surest way of getting your cajones chewed off.  Then, I remembered that getting Scott to lash out is precisely Papa Argent’s modus operandi, just as it was with Derek, last season . . .

“Make . . . my . . . day . . . White Fang!”

One show of fang from Scott, would be all it took to permit Daddy to blow the former’s brain’s out under his so called “Argent Family Code of Honor.”  But, Code or no Code, having a gun in your face, or in the face of your boyfriend .  .  . well .  . . it kind of sucks.  And I suspect it’s that generalized suckiness that prompts Allison to tearfully cut a deal with her father, while remind the latter that this not-so big, not-all-that-bad, wolf had actually saved both father and daughter’s life, in the not-so-distant past.

“I’ll never see [Scott] again,” promises the girl who goes to school with Scott, has a locker fairly close to his, and even, if I recall correctly, shares a couple of classes with him.

Papa Argent relucantly agrees to this compromise.  (Papa Argent is kind of a moron . . . but hot, in that scruffy, middle-aged, Poor Man’s George Clooney-kind-of-way.)  Once Daddy-o is safely out of the picture, Scott andd Allison share an angsty hug on the roof of the car, as Allison tries to politely ignore the fact that Scott recently peed himself . . .

Back in Present Day, Scott and his goofy crab legs sneak into Allison’s bedroom windo wfor an impromptu sex session.  (Well,  that didn’t take long .  . . and I mean that in more ways than one.)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for watching attractive people hump one another on my television screen.  Who isn’t?

On the other hand, I feel like we get scenes like this, between Scott and Allison just about every other episode.  Not to mention the fact that THEY ALWAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME!  The same location . . . (Allison’s room / bed) . . .  the same fumbling awkwardness to the tune of blaring pop music . . . the same . . .  choreography.  In fact, you could probably cut and paste any Sallison sex scene from any episode, into another episode, without anyone being any the wiser.

From Season 1 

Now, I get that, as far as teen sex goes, monotony and awkwardness, is actually rather realistic.  I just kind of wish that these two would change things up every once in a while . . . you know .  . . for the fans!  For example, have sex in Scott’s house sometimes (His mom DOES work the night shift at the hospital,  after all.), try out a couple of different sexual positions (doggy style?), some rap music (Snoop Dog), a little role playing (Little Red Riding Hood), maybe even some fun costumes (dog collar).

In the couple’s defense, they do happen to be kind of pressed for time.  Not two minutes into the pop song, Mama Argent comes back for where ever the heck she was prior to this moment, and barges into Allison’s room.

SCOTT:  “Do you think we should . . .  I don’t know . . . like invite her to join in?”

ALLISON: “Scott, that’s my MOM!”

SCOTT: “I know.  But I don’t want to be rude!”

To say Mommy Dearest is suspicious of her daughter’s recent behavior is the understatement of the century.

That Mama Argent . . . she sure is one scary b*tch.  From her severe, woman-discharged-from-the-Marines-for-beating-up-her-comrades haircut, to her monotone voice, to those big alien eyes, to the way she not-so-subtly thrashes about Allison’s room opening closets, peeking under beds, and just barely failing to locate the naked Scott, now-hiding on the rooftop . . .

Best Christmas Decoration EVER! 

 . . . I’m pretty sure this was the most frightening scene in the entire episode.  And if you recall, this was an episode where SOME GUY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF!

Nevertheless, Scott somehow manages to escape from the Argent household undetected by the parental units.   He always does!

Meanwhile, over in the hospital . . .

It could have been worse.  She could have opted for a bath . . .

It’s safe to say that less than a week has passed since the events of last season’s finale . . . otherwise, Stiles REALLY needs a shower.  According to Scott’s mom, my loveable little Yoda man has spent every waking minute (and more than a few sleeping ones) holding vigil at Lydia’s hospital bedside, as she recovers from the unfortunate “Alpha Mauling” she suffered, during her prom.

We find our hero, dozing on an uncomfortable chair, and engaging in a rather naughty conversation with some dream girl . . . or maybe boy.

“Oh Derek! You look so good wearing my t-shirt.  Now take it off.” 

“You’re SO dirty,” a sleeping Stiles muses, as a smile creeps across his lips.  “You first.  No, me first?  Well . . .”

Source 

Needless to say, I would PAY to get inside that dream sequence.  As a groggy Stiles awakens to hit the vending machine, we turn our attention to Lydia, who rudely (but wisely . . . we all know what 75% of the parents are like on this show) rejects her father’s offer to help her into the shower.  As our heroine lathers herself,  we notice that the water beneath her feet is becoming increasingly tinged with black goo.  Not cool at all!

Rather than stepping out of the dirty shower and calling an attendant, like most normal people would do in this situation, “self-sufficient” Lydia decides to play plumber, digging into the disgusting drain with her bare hands.  Now, the black water is almost up to her knees.  She brings her hands upward to find piles and piles of  . . . HAIR.  Lydia cries in disgust, but she still doesn’t get out of the tub until SOME DEAD GUYS HAND GRABS AT HER FROM THE DRAIN . . .

Need a hand? 

Cue the screaming . . .

I find it interesting that everyone on the show, including Stiles and Scott (who at this point is miles away) recognizes Lydia’s trademark screams.  Stiles promptly abandons his happy reunion with the Reeses Pieces he freed from that stubborn vending machine, and rushes to his lady love’s side.  But when he and the doctor’s arrive . .  . wait for it . . . she’s gone!  Oh, and the water is sparkling clean and hair free.  Go figure!

Oh, P.S., in her haste to escape the Evil Man Hand, Lydia forgot something very important . . . her clothes.   Way to go, Lady Godiva!

Always the smartest kid in the room, Stiles cleverly snags Lydia’s hospital gown, so that his doggy friend can track down her scent.  Yoda then promptly reunites with Allison the Werewolf Slayer and Teen Wolf,  in hopes of finding Lydia before the Argents do.  The image of  Scott riding with his head out the window like a Golden Retriever, sniffing the wind, will likely stay etched in my memory forever.  In fact, I think it’s some of the best acting we’ve seen Tyler Posey do, since this show started.  No joke.

“It’s hard to smell Lydia in the middle of all this gasoline and roadkill.” 

Meanwhile, over at Kate Argent’s grave . . .

Pet Cemetery

Some teenager is operating a crane to dig the hole in the ground that will eventually include the body of Kate Argent.  We know this teenager is important, because he’s attractive.  And no attractive faces go to waste on this show.  (By the way, what kind of cemetery hires a 16-year old to operate heavy machinery like that in the middle of the night?  That’s just bad for business.)

“Child labor laws are for wimps.  My little brother delivers newspapers in his diapers.” 

Random Teen Who We Don’t Know Yet, hears a gross munching sound, and finds a werewolf munching on the liver of one of the deceased.

The werewolf notices the teen, and easily upends the crane.  Now, Random Teen We Don’t Know Yet is stuck under a crane in the grave he just dug for Kate Argent, just waiting to be eaten.  But worry not, Random Teen!  Derek is here to rescue you!

This almost makes getting buried alive worth it . . . 

Just hanging out . . .

Elsewhere, Scott’s cute little doggy nose has led his search party to the area outside Derek’s house, sight of . . . well . . . pretty much every bad thing that’s ever happened on this show ever . . . Then again, it’s also where we first got to see this . . .

Stiles finds something he thinks might be a clue.   “Hey!  Is this a trip wire?”  He exclaims excitedly.

And Stiles is supposed to be the Smart One . . . 

Whoops!  Next thing you know, Scott’s hanging from a tree.  Thus, proving that even Yoda makes mistakes.  The Argent hunters arrive shortly thereafter, and some threatening words are exchanged between Scott and Papa Argent.  The latter intimates that he suspects Lydia of being a newly turned werewolf, and if he finds her, he’ll chop her body in half.  What a swell guy!

 I actually think Lydia’s not a wolf, but, rather, a Banshee Death Alarm.  But hey, what do I know?

Jackson’s “Time of the Month”

The following morning, the cops are on the lookout for Lydia and the graverobber who attacked Random Teen and ate some corpse’s liver at a cemetery.  (Could the two be one in the same?)  Stiles dad the Sheriff (Remember him?)  questions Random Teen along with his father, a.k.a. The Guy who played Mitch Leery on Dawson’s Creek.  I swear, Dawson’s dad hasn’t aged a day.  He must be a vampire.

Or the Flash . . . same difference. 

Derek approaches Jackson for help finding Lydia, since (1) the three of them are presumably all part of the same were pack now; and (2) well, Jackson DID date the girl, after all.  But Jackson has no interest in becoming part of any pack OR helping his ex girlfriend not be chopped in half.  Jackson is clearly a total sociopath . . . one who’s mean to homeless hippy werewolves.

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He’s also bleeding profusely out of his nose and ears . . . black blood . . . kind of like the stuff Lydia found in her shower.

Ease up on the coke . . . man.

Some might say that getting a female period in your nose is the price you pay for being an asshat.  But Derek clearly has a bigger heart than I do.  He looks legitimately worried for Jackson, when he tells the latter that the excessive bleeding is a sign that his body is rejecting the werewolf bite.

Your face may be all f*&ked up.  But you’re ass is clearly open for business.”

This, of course, begs two questions: (1) Why is Jackson’s body rejecting the bite, when Scott’s didn’t?  (Is it simply because there’s still wolfsbane in his system, or is there a more interesting reason, like, for example something in Jackson’s lineage?), and (2) What are the repercussions of this for Jackson?  (Will he die?  Will he eventually turn into the so-called “Abomination” hinted at in the trailers for this season?  Will he need to constantly have tampons hanging out of his nose?)

Four Maulings and a Funeral

Back at school, we are reunited with some old characters . . . like that Creepy Chemistry Teacher everyone used to think was the Alpha, who REALLY has it in for Stiles, after the latter’s father tried to peg him for murder  . . .

No reason for this picture.  I just wanted to share with you the awesomeness that is Stiles’ t-shirt . . . and this is coming from someone who doesn’t ever want to have kids . . . 

. . . and everyone’s favorite Crackpot Lacrosse Coach .  . .

Separated at birth? 

We are also introduced to some new characters, like the weird (but, of course, still attractive) guy with the camera, who seems to have a real hard-on for Allison.  (Doesn’t everybody on this show?)

“I fulfill the show’s emo quotient.  I also might be a shapeshifter who takes pictures of people and thinks so I can assume their forms at a later time.

There’s also a sweet scene in which Scott comforts a distraught Allison, as she prepares to attend her aunt’s funeral . . . you know . . . if you are into that sort of thing . . .

. .  . sweet scenes, I mean, not funerals  . . . though, of course, you might be into those too.

At Kate’s funeral, the press and that creepy camera guy are all hounding the Argents.  Then this old  guy comes and breaks creepy camera guy’s film cartridge, after the former snaps some pictures of Allison.

“Dammit.  I knew I should have used my iPhone instead.” 

Turns out, this is her grandpa, and he’s one scary dude.  In fact, Grandpa Argent and his Crazy Eyes make Papa Argent look like Big Bird by comparison (Not Mama Argent though . . .  she’s still the scariest.)

Stiles and Scott watch these events unfold before them, as the pair hide behind and old gravestone.  Always trying to keep things positive,  Stiles suggests that possibly Gramps and the rest of the Argents are just here for the funeral.  But Scott knows better.  “They are reinforcements,” he says glumly.

“You know, Stiles’ dad is kinda buff.  Maybe’ HE’S the lizard.” 

Then Stiles’ dad finds the scheming pair, and drags them back to a squad car.  They aren’t there long though.  A call comes in about someone attack an ambulance and eating it’s already dead passenger.  Stiles and Scott, of course, immediately assume it’s Lydia doing the eating.  How rude!

As soon as the two can get away, they form their own search party in the woods.  “Just find her,” pleads Stiles, in regard to his lady love.  (Sigh!)

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Shortly thereafter, Scott smells wolf and takes off in the direction of the stench.  Turns out, it’s not Lydia at all.   It’s that dirty hippie wolf who’s been eating all the dead people.  Go figure!  The two tussle, but Scott eventually loses sight of the guy, until that is, the latter gets tripped up by, you guessed it, another trip wire.

Worst . . . gig . . . ever .  . . 

Enter the Argent Family . . .

He didn’t really need those pesky legs anyway . . .

Grandpa Argent has a big f*&king sword . . . I’m talking Medieval, Game of Thrones sh*t here.  As he waves around his surrogate weiner, Gramps waxes poetic about Omega wolves, who, for whatever reason, lack pack affiliation, and therefore are weak, and easily killed.  Dirty Hippie Wolf tries in vain to defend himself.  He was just looking for the Alpha, he swears!  He didn’t hurt anyone living . . . and therefore never ran afoul of the Argent’s precious Code.

Too bad for Wolfie, that Gramps doesn’t need no stinking Codes.  He slices through Dirty Hippie Wolf’s bottom half like it’s butter.  There’s this creepy moment where the wolf looks down at his now half-body with fascination, before bleeding to death.

“This is SO COOL!  Oh wait . . . no it’s not.  They cut off my balls too.” 

Scott, who’s watching from a distance is understandably horrified.

“Derek, this is really not the time to get handsy.”

Fortunately, Alpha Derek has arrived to comfort him . . . and give him a big ole man hug . . . which probably would have been a lot more appreciated, if he had actually lifted a finger to save Dirty Hippie Wolf.  He didn’t.  But hey.  You can’t blame a guy for wanting to literally save his own balls from being dismembered from the rest of his body.

Never one to give up a good teaching moment, Alpha Derek chooses this inopportune moment to remind Scott why it’s a REALLY good idea to be part of pack, if you don’t want to lose your legs.  “Look at them.   This is what they do,” Derek says fiercely, forcing Scott to look at the bloody corpse.  “This is a declaration of war.”

Apparently Gramps thinks so too, as he tells an admittedly freaked out Papa Argent, in no uncertain terms that the “Code” ceased to exist the minute Kate Argent croaked.  Weak wolves, new wolves, pansy wolves, naked chicks running around in the forest, Gramps wants to cut them all in half, just because he can.

“We’ll find them, and we’ll kill them.  We’ll kill them all,” Gramps declares ominously.

Elsewhere, a naked Lydia emerges from the forest looking for a coat.

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Stiles has never been so jealous of a coat in his life . . .

-SHAPE SHIFTED –

Nice knowing ya, Dawson’s Creek Dad (except . . . not really)

Now we’re at Random Teen’s house.  (I told you this guy was important.)  Apparently, his name is Issac and he’s getting a D in chemistry.  That’s all we know about the character at this point.  Oh yeah, and did I mention his dad’s a psychopath?

 As far as depictions of domestic abuse go, this one is pretty top notch.  You can feel the tension in Isaac’s body as he carefully evades his father’s seemingly harmless questions about his grades, like a soldier navigating his way through a field covered with landmines.  And man, is Dawson Leery’s dad terrifying . . . Sure, he’s saying all the right things . . . encouraging his son to be honest, and telling him it’s OK that his grades aren’t up to par.  But just below the surface there’s an undercurrent of viciousness, a killer’s instinct.  When Bad Dad starts tossing plates at his son, we know immediately that this is far from the first time.

“Dawson would never put up with this sh*t.” 

Then again, it IS probably the first time that Isaac has been able to HEAL himself from his father’s abuses.   That’s right boys and girls.  We have a new werewolf!

Upon realizing what has just occurred, Isaac escapes on his bike, with Bad Dad in hot pursuit.  Part of me was waiting for the character to get into a car accident, because he dropped his ice cream cone on the front seat of the car, and bent down, like a total moron to pick it up . . . which, some of you might recall is precisely how Bad Dad’s Alter Ego, Mitch Leery bit it on Dawson’s Creek.

But Bad Dad’s fate is much worse.  When he emerges from the car, he learns that something is watching him . . . and that something is definitely not a werewolf.

He kind of looks like This Guy . . .

 Does the fact that I cheered just a little bit when that Lizardy Thing mauled Bad Dad in his car make me a bad person?  That’s what you get for abusing hot twenty-somethings posing as teens . . . and, of course, spawning that turd, Dawson Leery . . .

New wolf Isaac rushes to his Alpha Derek for help, swearing up and down that he didn’t kill his father . . . though clearly, he can’t be too overwrought that the douchebag is dead.

Well, that’s one way to get a job, during the recession . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison are making out again.  Snore . . .

Oddly enough, I’m much more interested in what Allison’s parental units are doing on their so-called date night.  Here’s a hint, it involves kidnapping Allison’s principal and sticking massively large guns in his face, until he promises to resign from his post.

“Coincidentally, this is also the size of my secret weiner.” 

Watch out Beacon Hills High!  Principal Gramps is coming to get you!

But she lost NINE POUNDS!

Poor Lydia.  Being known as “That Naked Chick” who ran around in the woods for a weekend isn’t exactly garnering her the popularity she thinks she deserves .  . . even though she did lose nine pounds!  (Banshee diet, I guess.)

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Her ex-boyfriend Jackson isn’t exactly offering her comfort either.  The asshat basically tells her that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn’t save her life.

Oh, and P.S., she should watch out for the Full Moon.  It’s not exactly a scene out of Lydia’s favorite movie, The Notebook.

Scratch and Sniff Lacrosse

Speaking of Full Moon preparations, Stiles knows exactly how to handle Scott’s “time of month” this time around . . .

Fifty Shades of Stiles?

Too bad it makes him look like an S&M fetishist in front of his coach . . .

In the locker room, Scott smells something aside from the usual B.O., dirt, and aftershave.  There’s another wolf on the premises.  The question is who?  Scott has a plan to figure it out,  one that involves playing goalie turning team practice, and rushing out of the goal to tackle and SNIFF all his teammates, until he finds the one that smells like dog.

Needless to say this is probably my favorite scene in the entire episode.

Coach Crackpot quickly asked Stiles what was wrong with his friend .  . .

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Weird Camera Guy passed the Scratch and Sniff test with flying colors.  As did Danny, who got bonus points for smelling awesome.  “It’s Armani . . . my cologne,” Danny exclaims proudly, as Scott fights off the urge to make love to him right there on the Lacrosse field.  (It’s the one time during this episode that I wished MTV had smellovision.)

Jackson noteably escaped from practice, before Scott could smell him, probably because he worried about what the latter might find in his scent . . .  wolf?   death?  Or something much worse?

Eventually, it’s Isaac’s turn to square off with Scott.  Cue the matching colored contacts.  It’s like love at first were-bite.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” Isaac pleads.

Unfortunately, this conversation is cut short by the cops, who take Isaac in for questioning about his dead dad.  Scott knows full well that the idea of a brand new wolf locked in a not particularly well-secured holding cell during a full moon isn’t good for anyone.  “You know how I said I no longer have the urge to kill?”  Scott muses to Stiles.  “He does,” Scott said of Isaac.

It was an interesting moment, one that intrigued me quite a bit about Isaac’s character, and what type of wolf he will become.  Clearly, this is someone who’s been abused and beaten down, emotionally and physically all his life.  That kind of persistent torture makes you feel weak and powerless.  It makes you vie for an escape, some avenue of control in your life.  Derek likely saw this in Isaac, and knew that, as a result, he would be amenable to undergoing the transformation.

Yet, Derek’s decision to turn Isaac might not have been completely altruistic  After all, he’s a packmaster at war, now.  And to fight a war, you need good soldiers.  I suspect that Derek also saw in Isaac exactly what Scott is seeing now . . . an untenable rage, bubbling just beneath the surface.  That rage could make Isaac an excellent warrior.  But it also makes him a potential loose cannon.

Nevertheless, Scott clearly feels a kinship with Isaac, that goes beyond mere pack membership.  He sees him as a man who’s been wrongly accused.  And he wants to help him, by breaking him out of the pokey . . . which, of course, means Stiles has to help him too.

Teen Wolf and Yoda to the Rescue

Back at school Stiles’ Sheriff dad is questioning Jackson, who also happens to be Isaac’s next-door neighbor.  Jackson callously admits that he knew Isaac was a victim of abuse, but that this was “not his problem.”

Ugh!  Jackson, you suck!  I don’t care how good you look in a wet t-shirt.  I hope your nose and ear bleed travels to your ass . . .

Back in chemistry class, Scott and Stiles are desperate to know what Jackson is telling the police about Isaac.  And the best way to figure that out is an impromptu trip to the principal’s office  . . .

Of course, Scott and Stiles haven’t yet been informed about the new principal at their school, but they are about to find out . . .

Principal Gramps clearly has done his homework on these too, especially Scott, who he notes is Allison’s “ex-boyfriend.”  It seems pretty obvious that Gramps knows Scott’s a wolf.  And yet, he doesn’t immediately chop him in half, like he did the Hippie Wolf.  The question is why.  I’m thinking it’s because he has bigger plans for Scott . . . plans that might just involve using him to locate the rest of his pack.

Ever the loyal friend, Stiles opts to take one for the team, by stewing in detention, while Scott dashes off to rescue Isaac, who has just been carted off to jail, just as he predicted.  Of course, Derek magically appears at this moment, to help with the “war effort.”  With his leather jacket, and dark glasses, Derek kind of looks like The Terminator . . . only hot  . . . and without the Austrian accent.

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Derek has something to show Scott . . . something that could seriously hurt Isaac’s murder defense, if the cops find it . . .

Elsewhere . . .

The Most Boring Sex Tape Ever

Jackson gets Weird Camera guy to lend him a video camera for 100 bucks so that he can make a solo sex tape.  Just kidding.  He wants to videotape his werewolf transformation.  He flexes for the camera a few times, before heading to sleep.  And that’s all that the camera catches . . . eight hours of Jackson . . . alone . . . in bed.

Needless to say, this tape won’t get as many hits on YouTube as the one Kim Kardashian made.

So, it appears Jackson is still 100% Grade A douchebag human . . . or is he?

The House of Hor-weres

The minute Derek alluded to Isaac having a worse motive to kill his father than run-of-the-mill battery, I thought the kid might have been sexually abused.  The writers don’t necessarily go that far with the character.  However, we do get to see Isaac’s dad’s unique idea of punishment, which, apparently, involved locking his son, in an icebox for extended period’s of time.  Oddly enough, this gives Scott an idea . . .

Back at the Argent’s, Gramps and Papa are also discussing Isaac’s case, and whether or not they have enough proof to chop him in half.  Allison tries to listen in, but they shut the door in her face, in a very Godfather-esque way.  Allison does learn part of her family’s plan however.  It involves a sheriff taking wolfsbane into Isaac’s cell, enough of which will kill him.

You know, I like you a lot better, when your tongue isn’t permanently attached to my best friend’s face.”

Allison calls Stiles (Nice to see these two teaming up for a change.), and together they devise a plan . . .

Those Meddling kids

You remember last season how solid Alli was with a crossbow, right?  Well,  this week she uses those skills to put a flat tire in the wolfsbane carrying cop’s car, and to shoot him in the leg.  I’ve never really been an Allison fan.  But even I’ve got to admit that’s pretty bad ass.

Gives new meaning to the term “woody.”

Allison then heads to Isaac’s house (Isn’t that a crime scene?  How are all these people just entering and leaving it, willy nilly?), while Stiles bounds off to jail to somehow save Isaac,  who’s undergoing his first wolf transformation, as we speak.

In the basement of Isaac’s house, Derek again pitches his “Be All That You Can Be In My Pack” speech to Scott, who lectures his new packmaster on his seeming need to turn every lost soul in Beacon Hills into a werewolf, without properly informing them of the risks.  “I can make you a better werewolf.  I can teach you to use ALL your senses . . . not just your nose,” Derek teases his new pal, before heading off to the jail, himself.

Enter Allison.  She and Scott share some kisses and more angst, before Scott finally convinces her to lock him in the icebox during his transformation.  She hesitates, but ultimately obeys.  Moments later, that THING arrives.  It’s the same one that killed Not-Mitch Leery.  It sidles toward Allison, and she screams, grabbing her teeny tiny knife for protection.  (Where’s her crossbow?)

Scott hears her terror, and breaks out of his icebox, half-wolfed out, just in time to see the THING sprout lizard legs,  crawl on the ceiling and exit stage left.

“What the heck is that?” We wonder.  My pal Andre has an idea.

Of course, the more pressing question, for purposes of the show, anyway, is WHO is that?  My early money is on Creepy Camera Guy, (1) because he already seems kind of obsessed with Allison; (2) because he’s on the same lacrosse team as Isaac, and probably knew about his home situation; and (3) because his appearance thus far in the series has been totally random and seemingly useless.  (I mean, honestly, couldn’t Jackson have bought his own camera?)

Anyway, that’s my theory.  What’s yours?

My Hero!

Meanwhile, at the jail, Derek and Stiles are shamelessly flirting with one another.  Derek brags that he can easily distract the female guard with his hotness, while Stiles rescues Isaac.   Stiles watches Derek charm the pants off of the lady cop, clearly jealous . . . though it is uncertain whether it’s Derek or the cop that are earning most of his jealousy.

“That boy is such a tease.  I’m not letting him borrow my shirts anymore.   That’s for sure.  Fool me once, big guy!”

By the time Stiles gets to Isaac’s cell, two important things have happened (1) Wolf Isaac broke out of his cage; (2) Limpy, the wolfsbane carrying cop, who Allison shot, has returned to the jail.  Isaac promptly attacks and disarms him, before turning his attention on a now-scared sh*tless Stiles.  Worry not though, it’s Derek and his ruby eyes to the rescue.

All he has to do is show his teeth to Wolf Isaac, and the latter starts cowering in the corner.   “How did you do that?” Stiles asks, breathlessly, passion in his eyes.  (Yes, I know I’m laying it on thick. ;))

“I’m the Alpha,” Derek says confidentally,  before exiting stage left.

I’m not sure if it’s that simple though . . . One could argue that Isaac submitted to Derek’s will, not because Derek is the Alpha, but because Isaac instinctively fears abuse from his parental figures.  Would Scott have yielded in this situation?  Or Jackson?  Or Lydia?  Only time will tell . . .

Stiles’ dad enters the jail, just in time to find Stiles standing awkwardly in a room filled with one unconscious werewolf, and one unconscious sheriff.  “He did it,” Stiles exclaims adorably, pointing at Isaac.

It’s a brilliantly understated ending to a well-written pair of premiere episodes.  Don’t you think?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Where have all the HUMANS gone? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Last Day”

Pop Quiz Fangbanger How many humans are in this picture?  (Hint:  It’s a trick question.) 

USELESS AUNT JENNA:  “OK, that was NOT COOL!  The only thing I wanted injected in me tonight, was ALARIC’S CHUNKY MONKEY!

Personally, I think humanity is overrated.  I mean, think about it  . . . You get married.  You pop out a few pups.  You grow old and wrinkly.  You die.  What’s the fun in THAT?

Apparently, the writers of The Vampire Diaries agree with me.  Because they have taken Mystic Falls’ Team Human, and systematically smashed it to smithereens, over the course of two seasons . . .

Be afraid, Normal Boy!  Be VERY AFRAID!

But, you see, that’s what I LOVE about this show!  The Vampire Diaries doesn’t give a Flying F*&k about the rules or conventions of typical television dramas (like the one that says you can only kill off one or two major characters, a season . . . or the one that says HUMANS are “important.”).  And that’s how TVD keeps viewers returning every single week:  by repeatedly defying their expectations, and challenging what they think they know about the characters on their television screen.  Of course, having THESE to show off on a weekly basis doesn’t hurt either .  . .

Hold on to your panties, Fangbangers!  And prepare to have your minds blown.  Because we are about to recap what may go down in television history as “The Last Day” of TVD, as we once knew it . . .

Blah, blah, blah Sacrifice, blah (HEY!  Is that Shirtless Damon on my screen?)

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I’m sorry, Elijah, were you saying something?  Because I was . . . distracted.

The episode begins with a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation in La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Elijah is downstairs explaining the logistics of the Sacrifice to Stefan and Elena, while Damon is upstairs . . . in bed  .  . . NAKED . . . and GULPING.  Clearly, someone in the writer’s room doesn’t want us listening to Elijah (Klaus, is that YOU?).  Whoever this person is, his devious plan has worked!  Because two minutes later, I wake up from my trance, to find Damon all DRESSED . . .

Now, right then and there, we should have known things were going to go VERY wrong for Damon, this week.  If you recall, the LAST time Damon was shirtless on TVD was the Controversial Moonstone in Soap Dish Incident . . .

And we all know how THAT turned out!  So, in conclusion, Shirtless Damon = Good for US;  Extremely Bad for HIM!

Then again, maybe it’s bad for me too.  Because now I’ve got to figure out what Elijah said to Elena, while I was fondling Damon’s chest, in my dreams . . .

Looking back, I THINK that Elijah was talking about the “ingredients” of the Sacrifice Ritual that could be used to break Klaus’ “You Can’t Be a Were-Vamp, Too Bad, So Sad for YOU” Curse.  Coincidentally (or, perhaps, not so, coincidentally), those ingredients just so happen to be the SAME INGREDIENTS Klaus listed in his FAKE Aztec Sun and Moon Curse, namely: a Full Moon, the Moonstone, a vampire, a werewolf, and the BLOOD of a Doppelganger, which Klaus must DRINK in order to complete the ritual.

ELIJAH:  “Would you like me to repeat that again, now that Damon has his shirt back on, and has stopped seductively gulping?’

STEFAN and ELENA:  “Yes, please!”

So, then Damon magically appears.  And he asks Elijah the STELLAR question of WHY they have to wait until the Full Moon to kill Klaus, when they could just use Bonnie to do it RIGHT NOW!  “Because Bonnie would DIE!”  Elena replies. 

“We’ll write her a great eulogy,” replies Damon.

You know, I’d actually be OK with that plan . . . after all, Stefan and Elena are great writers.  That’s why they both keep DIARIES!

Now, I’m as big of an Eliah Fan, as the next gal.  But even I have to admit, for all his cool magical powers and de-hearting abilities, the Original’s ACTUAL plan to save Elena from certain death was disappointingly lame.  Come ON!  A Fake Death Elixir?  What is this Romeo and Juliet?  Didn’t we just do the whole “Fake Death” thing with Bonnie?  Do we really think that THE All-Powerful Klaus is dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?

ELIJAH:  “Would it help if I told you the elixir tastes like chocolate milk?”

To make matters worse, since the last Petrova Doppelganger .  . . ummmm . . . VAMPED out on Klaus (foreshadowing much?), Elijah never actually got the chance to try out his little drink recipe.  So, it’s not a sure thing.  Nor does Elijah seem entirely sure that Bonnie won’t die ANYWAY, while she is using her powers to murder the momentarily vulnerable were-transforming Klaus.  In short, Elijah’s Big Plan, seems like a Big Ole Load of Crap to Me . . .

Are you sure about that, buddy?  Because it’s starting to sound like we CAN .  . .

Conveniently enough, when Damon suggests that Elena wear the Ring of Immortality (something we actually KNOW works) to help stave off permanent death, during the ritual, Elijah shuts that idea down as well.  “The ring only works on humans.  The Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence.”

A-HA!  So, Elena is NOT entirely human!  She’s a FAIRY, like Sookie on True Blood.  That’s why all the boys want to bone her.  The plot thickens . . .

Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon chugs down his Power Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

While Damon tries his very best to get wasted before 10 a.m., Stefan lectures him about the importance of trusting in Elena (even though her plan to save her own life, now seems MORE RIDICULOUS THAN EVER)!

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I don’t think the plan’s going to work either.  But by pretending I do, my chances of getting laid tonight, by the Girl of Our Mutual Dreams increases tenfold . . .”

DAMON:  “Well, in that case . . .”

This Brotherly Bonding Session is interrupted by a screaming Useless Aunt Jenna, who is currently threatening Alaric with his own CROSSBOW!  (I’m liking this chick more, by the minute.  That probably means she’s going to die soon . . .)

Alaric quickly proves he’s no longer AlarKlaus, by beginning to share with the Scooby Gang some kinky sex story about how Jeremy walked in on him and Jenna playing Hide the Salami in the Gilbert Home . . .

So, BOTH Gilbert kids caught Alaric and Jenna en flagrante!  Clearly, these two are Closet Exhibitionists.

Once the crew is convinced that Alaric is not going to (1) compel any of them to stab themselves in the leg; or (2) start dedicating cheesy old love songs to them, the weapons are lowered, and Alaric is allowed to deliver his message.  “The Sacrifice Ritual is to take place tonight,” he says, ominously.

With that pesky errand out of the way, Alaric is allowed to have a seat in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  There, he can put his feet up, and reminisce with his old pals about the Good Old Days of AlarKlaus.  (Like that time when he threatened his girlfriend with a butcher knife . . . FUN!)  Elena quickly tires of these old war stories, and wanders up to Damon’s bedroom, where, you might have noticed, she has been spending quite a bit of time lately . . . *clears throat*

Love is Never Having to Say “I Made You Drink My Arm.”

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There’s nothing like a little FORCE FEEDING to ruin an otherwise Perfectly Good Romantic Moment Between Two Extremely Attractive, and Sexually Active, Individuals!  What’s the deal, TVD writers?  Did a Delena Fan pee in your Cheerios?  Why can’t we ever catch a break, huh?  

I’m going to let you watch the scene in its entirety first.  And then we can talk about it . . .

What’s interesting about this scene is how much it parallels the one from “The Last Dance.”  In both cases, we have Elena approaching Damon in his bedroom, in hopes of coming to an understanding with him about certain decisions that have been made relating to the Sacrifice. 

On one level (at least, until the force feeding happens) it’s a sweet, and straight forward scene, in which Elena tries to assure Damon that she will NOT die in the Sacrifice, and that she will, in fact, return to him.  In return, Damon tries to convey to Elena how risky this undertaking is, how much he fears for her safety, and how much he can’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his world.  “I can’t lose you,” he admits to her.

Notice how Damon and Elena move continuously closer to one another as they speak.  The scene is deceptive in that way, in that it APPEARS as though the pair are coming to understand where eachother are coming from, and finally finding common ground. 

Interestingly enough, just like in that OTHER scene, communications between the pair break down, at what, on the surface, seems like the most intimate moment between them.  In “The Last Dance” when Damon said, “I’ll always choose you,” Elena was clearly moved by the extent of his affection for her. 

Likewise, here, when Elena holds and massages Damon’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes, as she says, “It’s my life, my choice,” Damon seems literally swept off his feet, by the clear evidence that Elena truly cares for him.  Damon keeps staring from Elena’s hands, back to her eyes, as if he can’t believe she is showing him so much love and trust.  Elena smiles, thinking that she has finally got through to him. 

But she hasn’t.  And it is at THIS MOMENT that you can SEE Damon planning out exactly what his next move is going to be.  And it involves, of all things, the HANDS, or rather, the arms . . .

When Elena turns to leave, Damon hesitates, for a moment, just as Elena did in the final moments of “The Last Dance,” when she turned back to face Damon one final time, before she headed to the cellar to de-stake Elijah.  But, ultimately, just like Elena did then, Damon pushes all doubts about what he’s going to do out of his mind.  He corners Elena at the door.  And THIS happens . . .

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“Now be a good little girl, and drink your blood.  Open WIDE .  . . here comes the Choo Choo Train!”

Then Stefan comes in.   And the two brothers start beating the sh*t out of eachother AGAIN . . . at least, until Damon STAKES Stefan.  And if you thought the romantic mood was ruined before, it’s SO Dead and Buried NOW!

“You are SUCH a cock block, Stefan Salvatore!”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t actually think that becoming a vampire (at least, in terms of how the show portrays the existence) is this Big Awful Thing that Elena believes it is.  (More on THAT later.)  But DAMON does. 

Remember, this is the Damon who cried in The Descent (more foreshadowing) about how much he missed his humanity.  This is also the Damon who held a grudge against Stefan for a CENTURY for manipulating him into turning into a vampire, all those years ago, when DAMON wanted die, after seemingly losing Katherine FOREVER.

Is anyone else as extremely turned on by this as I am?

In fact, nothing if not self aware, DAMON, himself, realizes the inconsistency of his actions, when he says to Elena, almost comically, “Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery.  Believe me, you’ll get over it.”

But it’s clear that, by the time Alaric and Jenna come to break up the fight (Boy, Jenna really got a Crash Course in Vampirism in the past two episodes, didn’t she?), Damon has already realized the error of his ways.  And this is why he spends the rest of the episode trying to right his wrongs, by attempting to foil Klaus’ Sacrifice Ritual, in order to buy Elena another month, so that the next time, she can go about defeating Klaus in her extremely dumb way.

“You know, she will never forgive you,” Elijah tells Damon (Perhaps, talking from personal experience?).  “And for a vampire, NEVER is an extremely long time.”

Unfortunately, grudges and the inability to let go are things DAMON understands all too well . . .

As Stefan drinks from a blood bag, and learns a very important lesson about how you shouldn’t “run with lamp posts,” Alaric and the No Longer All that Useless Aunt Jenna share a sweet moment outside Damon’s bedroom — one which only seems to further fortell Jenna’s DOOM.  “I’m glad you’re OK,” U.A.J. whispers, before she pulls Alaric in for a kiss . . .

Nothing like being possessed by an Evil Vampire to make your girlfriend conveniently forget that you never told her you were MARRIED . . .

Meanwhile, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Lizard Forbes Strikes Again (Can someone please KILL HER already?)

To Do List:  (1) Seduce daughter’s soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.   (2) Plot daughter’s murder with soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.  (3) Eat puppies and kittens for lunch.    (4) Kick babies in the head for fun.  (5) Perform various acts of devil worship at the Local Church.

Caroline visits Matt Donovass Benedict Arnold at work.  She’s happy and perky, and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in their MASSIVE SHAM of a relationship.  They make out, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

CAROLINE:  “You smell like my mom.  The two of you must use the same cologne and aftershave.”

MATT: “Not usually, but she let me borrow hers this morning after our shower.”

CAROLINE:  “What?”

MATT:  “Oh nothing . . .”

Caroline excuses herself, to go run a few errands.  So, Matt immediately rushes over to the next table to gossip with Lizard, and plot his girlfriend’s demise . . .

In Matt’s (slight) defense, he does seem to have eased up a bit on the GALLONS of Lizard Kool Aid he’s been drinking over the course of the past few episodes.  “Caroline seems pretty much to be EXACTLY the same person she’s always been, since he met her.  So, why are we so intent on killing her again?”  Matt wonders.

“Open your legs and spread em . . . Oh, and pull down your pants too . . . It’s standard police procedure.”

“Because I’m an evil harpy, with no redeeming personality traits.”  Lizard replies.   Apparently, having been raised to despise all vampires, and having been fooled so completely by Damon, Lizard would rather kill her own daughter, than believe that a vampire could actually be a kind and decent being.  And here’s what I have to say about that . . .

Seeing that she no longer has his full support, Lizard kicks Matt out of the Kill Caroline Club.  Seemingly having seen the error of his ways, Matt calls Caroline (we assume) to warn her about her murderous mom.  But given his actions later, we can’t help but wonder whether he ACTUALLY called to lure her into some sort of trap . . .

“So, I was thinking maybe you and I could go out hunting on our next date.  Well, actually, I’d hunt, and you’d be the target.  It worked for Dick Cheney!”

 Also hanging out at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Team Bad Ass (Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!)

ALARIC:  “So, I was thinking that tonight (like every night) we’d celebrate me getting my body back, by getting completely wasted and trying to recreate our own version of the movie The Hangover.”

DAMON: “Fine . . . but I get to be Bradley Cooper’s character.”

ALARIC: *pouts*  “But I wanted to be HIM!”

Since the acts of (1) ensuring the Love of his Life an eternity of Miserable Bloodsucker-dom; and (2) almost murdering his brother with his favorite lamp TOTALLY killed his morning buzz, Damon decides to head back to the bar and commence with some SERIOUS catch up boozing.  Alchy Alaric, of course, is more than happy to join in the festivities.  “I screwed up,” Damon mopes.

“Yeah, you did,” replies Alaric.  (I LOVE THESE TWO!)

But alas, this bromantic buddy moment is interrupted by an unwelcome guest  . . . “Why so glum?” Inquires someone VERY BRITISH.

“Ughhhh . . . Klaus, I presume,” scoffs Damon (mimicking his ICONIC “Ughhh, who cares” line from one of Blogger Pal Amy’s favorite Delena scenes from Season 1 of the show).

DAMON: “I liked you better when you were Alaric.”

After thanking the Drunken History Teacher for the “loner” of his body, Klaus turns his attention to Damon, who, taking a page out of Mr. “I Don’t Believe in Confrontation” Stefan’s book, politely asks Klaus if he could .  . . you know . . . maybe wait a month, before killing Elena, and beginning his Quest for World Domination.  But Klaus, having already waited 500 YEARS for the opportunity to perform this ritual, isn’t in a particularly patient mood.  “The Sacrifice is tonight . .  . don’t screw it up,” Klaus warns, before exiting Stage Left.

“You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?”  Alaric asks, with mild amusement.

“You’ll help, right?” Damon asks, already knowing what the answer will be.

And with that, Team Bad Ass stumbles out of the bar on a mission that will undoubtedly be EPIC . . .

These two REALLY need their own theme song.  Any suggestions?

Speaking of walking (and walking . . . and walking . . .)

Shrink Stefan and his “Miraculous” Waterfall Therapy

STEFAN:  “So, Elena.  Tell me about your parents untimely death, and how it made you FEEL . .  . Oh, wait .  . . never mind . . . I was there.”

I’m seriously starting to wonder if, during part of his 160 plus years on Earth, Stefan went to medical school and opened his own psychiatric practice.  Because, seriously, this guy is more into talking about “feelings” than any other non-shrink male I’ve ever seen!  And when Stefan begins to recognize that Elena might by holding back her feelings about very likely becoming a vampire in the immediate future, he spends the rest of the episode trying to get her to “OPEN UP” to him. 

(So .  . . basically, this week, we have one brother Kicking Ass and Taking Names, and the other one Getting Teary Eyed over Pretty Waterfalls.  Not judging . . . just sayin’.)

“Look Elena . . . a DOUBLE RAINBOW!  It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”

Stefan brings Elena to an admittedly picturesque waterfall, and suggests they climb to the top of it.  “Today is all about YOU,” he tells her (which would be a whole lot nicer of a sentiment, if Elena didn’t seem so completely AGAINST the idea of an extended hike).

ELENA:  “Can’t we just stay home and watch episodes of True Blood on DVD or something?”

I’ll admit I giggled a bit, when Elena inquired as to why Stefan wasn’t going to use his Super Power Vampire Jumpy Thing to get her to the top of the mountain. 

*Edward Cullen scoffs judgmentally at the notion of allowing one’s human girlfriend to (gasp) ACTUALLY USE HER FEET*

Despite Elena’s continual complaints, Stefan and Elena eventually hike up to the top of a mountain, while Stefan gently, but persistently, prods Elena to bare her soul to him.  (Now, if this was DAMON and Elena at the top of the mountain, I’m guessing that SOUL baring would probably not be of the utmost concern.  Methinks those two would be spending Elena’s Final Day as a Human screwing like bunny rabbits on that mountain top!)

But FEELINGS is what Stefan wants.  So feelings is what Stefan is going to get .  . .

Though the pair is generally pretty open (almost to a fault) regarding other aspects of their relationship, the notion of Eternity Together was a topic regularly skirted by this couple.  Much of this, I suspect, had to do with the fact that Elena was never really “into” the whole idea of “living forever.”  And Stefan, who instinctively knew this, felt that having that information out in the open would put a serious damper on their sex lives.

ELENA:  “I wonder if the two of us will still be this good in bed, when we are both old and . . . oops, never mind.”

But after HOURS of relentless prodding on Stefan’s part, Elena FINALLY breaks down and monologues about how she looked forward to a life of making choices.  She wanted to have babies, and get married, and grow old (OK, who the HECK actually wants to grow old?  Seriously, Elena!  Babies?  maybe.  OLD?  Definitely NOT!)  “I don’t want to be a vampire.  I never wanted to be one,” Elena sobs.

“I know you didn’t,” replies Stefan sadly, as he pulls her in for an embrace.

Now, maybe this is just because I’m shallow, and deathly afraid of aging, but, aside from NEVER being able to have kids (But you could ADOPT, Elena!), I don’t really see what’s so awful about being a vampire . . . particularly when (like Elena) you are surrounded by OTHER vampires who can teach you how to do it, without losing your humanity, in the process.  Would I want to live forever?  Probably not.  But, hey, you could always WALK OUT INTO THE SUN whenever you get really tired of being undead!  So, what’s the big deal? 

Perhaps, the REAL problem is that Elena isn’t so sure she wants to spend eternity with STEFAN, hmm?

In all seriousness, I understand that Damon (who knew firsthand, what it was like to LOSE ones humanity, and actually miss it) ideally, should have given Elena the CHOICE of whether she wanted to turn into vampire.  On the other hand, from Damon’s perspective, this is a 17-year old girl who’s basically deciding to COMMIT SUICIDE!  Here Elena is talking about all the “choices” she’s not going to get to make, once she becomes a vampire.  But, would she REALLY get to make any of the choices ANYWAY, if Klaus killed her? 

When you think of it that way, the issue really isn’t so black-and-white.  Certainly, Elena’s statement that Damon doesn’t know what LOVE is, because he’s not willing to let her KILL HERSELF, before she’s of legal voting age, seems a bit misguided . . .

In significantly LESS Maudlin Couple News . . .

Throw Mama from the Stairs (and the Eagerly Awaited return of Forwood)!

TYLER’S MOM:  “Yes, Scary (soon-to-be dead) witch dude, I will gladly fall down a flight of stairs to make Forwood Happen.  Because, unlike some OTHER  moms on this show, I actually VALUE my kid’s happiness, and would prefer him not to DIE.”

When we last saw Tyler’s mom, Elijah had conveniently taken her off vervain, so that he could . . .  borrow her Dead Husband’s Suits?  This week, Klaus’ Witch Buddy Maddox, seemingly compels her (though, honestly, I didn’t know witches could do that) to call Tyler, and tell him that she was in an accident, just moments before he magically pushes her down the steps.  Now, we can assume that Maddox did this to further Klaus’ plan to “acquire” Tyler as a werewolf in his sacrifice ritual.  But could Elijah’s de-vervaining of Mrs. Lockwood have been part of the Master Plan as well?   Only time will tell .  . .

(On a brighter note, at least, we know Elijah’s on Team Forwood!)

So, Tyler returns to Mystic Falls .  . .

 

 .  . . to visit his mother at the hospital . . .

Outside the hospital, Tyler runs into Caroline, who is ALSO en route to pay her respects to his Mom . . .

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Then JULES comes along, and threatens to ruin EVERYTHING (as has been her habit, since he appeared on the show) . . .

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It should, perhaps, be noted here that Jules has NO SOUL, and was COMPLETELY against the idea of Tyler visiting his OWN MOTHER at the hospital, so close to the time of their transformation.  But even Jules knows True Love when she sees it, and is willing to give Tyler and Caroline some alone time to have SUPER HOT MAKEUP SEX “catch up.”

Let the INSANE CHEMISTY, LONGING LOOKS, and NEARLY UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION ENSUE . . .

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No wonder, Tyler needed this SEXUAL RELEASE, later on in the episode . . .

Clearly, both Tyler and Caroline have grown in their month apart from one another.  For his part, Tyler seems to have mellowed significantly, since his last Caroline encounter.  This is not the headstrong, impulsive, alpha male of Lockwood yore.  This is a guy who thinks, before he speaks.  

You can tell immediately that Tyler is thrilled to see Caroline, and that he is still just as in love with her, as he was the day he left Mystic Falls.  But he knows how bad things were between the two of them when he left, and doesn’t want to push their relationship into uncomfortable territory.  So, Tyler holds back . . . and hesitates, saying little with his mouth, but VOLUMES with his ever-expressive eyes.

Caroline TOO has changed since Tyler left.  But HER change, was largely a change in heart toward Tyler.  She realized how much she missed his friendship.  She was clearly hurt, when he left without saying goodbye.  And Caroline, for sure, is not going to let Tyler skip town, without getting some answers . . .

“You’re leaving again?  Your explanation must have got lost in the mail . . . along with my goodbye letter,” challenges Caroline.

Tyler ponders the face of the woman he loves, wanting to say more . . . and then the Cock Block TWINS, Maddox and Greta, give them both Witchy Migraines and cart them away.  (Presumably, Jules was nearby, when this occurred . . . But, since none of the fans really give a rats ass about her, nobody seemed to notice this, until MUCH later.)

Don’t worry Tyler!  One of those two Bitchy Witches won’t live to see next week’s promos . . .

Tyler and Caroline Experiment with S&M . . . AGAIN

“I can see why this appeals to you, Tyler, but I’ve always been more of a Missionary Position kind of gal.”

“What are your thoughts on Doggy Style?”

The last time Tyler and Caroline played with chains, only Tyler was involved in the BONDAGE aspect of the foreplay .  . .

But when the pair wake up from their Matching Witch Headaches, they are BOTH all chained up with no where to go .  . .

Caroline immediately figures out that she and Tyler have been the Lucky Chosen Contestants in the Klaus Sacrifice Game Show.  Unfortunately, since poor Tyler has been absent awhile, he hasn’t had time to DVR the last few episodes of TVD.  So, Caroline quickly fills him in on who Klaus is, and on how the Sun and Moon Curse is a Big Ole ‘Fake.

“Well, that kind of sucks.  Its a good thing I always carry my trusty flask, for situations like this . . .”

Since it doesn’t seem like they are going to be GOING ANYWHERE any time soon, Caroline, taking a page out of her Vamp Daddy Shrink Stefan’s book, decides now is as good a time as any to get Tyler to open up about the whole Abandonment Thing.  “Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left?  Why did you leave me?”  Caroline asks, illustrating a vulnerability that warms Teen Wolf’s Heart.

“I know you hated me.  I thought you deserved better than having someone like me in your life,” Tyler replies sadly.

“I was hurt.  You turned your back on me when I needed you.  But I could never hate you, Tyler, because I luuuuuuuuuuve youuuuu.”

“I really wish these chains were longer, so I can go over to your wall, and have End of the World Tomb Sex with YOU.”

“WORD!”

Seriously, I knew we were going to get some solid Forwood moments in this episode, but I was NOT expecting all this.  These type of in-depth eloquent conversations are the stuff FANFICTIONS are made of (REALLY GOOD FANFICTIONS!).  It’s just too bad about this whole pesky TOMB thing . . .

Fortunately, help is on the way . . .

Kat Gets BURNED (in more ways than one) . . .

KATHERINE:  “So, how many times would you say you’ve had me up against a wall, since the start of this season?  Like, once an episode?”

So, apparently, all Damon needed Alaric’s “help” with was getting invited back into Alaric’s house.  (That’s odd.  I thought Katherine let him in last time?)  If you recall, Damon saved Katherine’s ASS last week, by giving her vervain, so Klaus couldn’t compel her anymore.  Now, he’s back, and wanting to COLLECT on the favor.  Specifically, Damon wants to know where Klaus is hiding Tyler and Caroline.

“In your pants?”

Though Katherine, being KATHERINE, is initially unreceptive to Damon’s pleas for help, the threat of a Vampire Elena stealing Stefan’s heart for ALL ETERNITY causes her to change her tune, rather quickly.  “They are in the tomb,” she admits.

Moments after Damon leaves, Klaus returns, and begins to suspect that Katherine is on vervain, and, therefore, non-compel-able.  So, he plays a little game with her to “test” his hypothesis.  And we all know how much FUN Klaus’ games can be . . .

So, while the Salvatore Brothers and Caroline use their Sunscreen Rings to prevent from “burning,” Katherine apparently prefers an elegant gold bracelet.  Klaus makes her take it off, so she can “go get tan.”

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You see, that’s the problem with having to PRETEND TO BE COMPELLED when you’re not.  It only makes it that much more painful to do all the Crazy Crap you don’t want to do  Finally convinced that Katherine is not on vervain, Klaus asks Katherine for a special favor, of the non-sexual variety.  (She’s  been getting that a lot, lately .  . .)

Speaking of doing other’s favors . . .

Life Sucks and Tyler Bites (Damon?)

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

When Damon arrives at the tomb, he encounters Klaus’ faithful Guard Dog, Maddox.  The two duke it out, with the “Magical Maddox” seeming to get the upper hand . . . that is until MATT(?) (who, by the way still blames DAMON for Vicki’s death) shoots Maddox?

Matt’s intentions for walking around, armed with a gun filled with WOODEN BULLETS, are still unclear.  Did he want to WARN Caroline about her mother, and merely bring the gun along as protection?  Was he going to SHOOT Caroline, before her mother got a chance to do so?  And what about his intention to shoot MADDOX?  Was he, perhaps, aiming for Damon instead, and simply missed?

Whatever the reason, Damon ends up pistol whipping Matt (YEAH!) and pocketing the remaining bullets in his gun. 

“Elena’s not the only one who gets to eat my hand!”

You are lucky I already screwed up once today,” says Damon to an unconscious, but still alive, Matt, as he walks over him and heads to the tomb (which is kind of funny, because I SERIOUSLY thought Damon was going to kill Matt, this week).

Once inside the tomb, Damon rescues Caroline, and, at Caroline’s insistence, Tyler too.  The problem, of course, is that Tyler is just minutes away from wolfing out . . .

On the way out of the tomb, the gang collects Matt (though he doesn’t deserve it).  And the foursome run in the direction of Freedom, that is .  . . until THIS happens . . .

Now, I love you TVD Costume Department.  But it must be said, those are the CHEESIEST-LOOKING WOLF TEETH I have ever seen!

When a half-transformed, Tyler lunges at the group, Damon (who has been in FULL-ON hero mode this ENTIRE HOUR) literally throws himself on the proverbial sword, propelling his body onto Tyler, and instructing the others to head to safety.  UH-OH!

 Matt and Caroline split from Damon to lock up Were-Tyler.  Meanwhile, Damon rushes back home to proudly tell Elena he’s Saved the Day (or so he THINKS).

By the way, did you notice how they changed Were-Tyler from a CGI wolf  . . .

. . .  to a REAL WOLF, since last time?

He’s WAY more CUDDLY now!  Mommy Like!

The Poo Hits the Fan . . . (and the Sacrifice Begins)

Back at Shrink Stefan’s Waterfall of Compassion, Elena and Stefan begin to head home at nightfall.  When they arrive, Klaus is waiting for them. 

Tearful goodbyes are exchanged.  And Elena, being the good MOMMY she is, instructs Stefan to close his eyes, so that he doesn’t have to watch the rest of the episode, because it’s “Veeeeeeeewwwy Scawwwy.”

Always one to have his brother do the dirty work, a Weepy Stefan calls Damon and tells him that, now that he’s already saved the rest of the Scooby Gang, it’s time to go Save Elena too.  (Man!  Talk about an unequal distribution of labor!  I hope Damon’s getting paid for this in sexual favors.) 

At Alaric’s house, Damon encounters the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Klaus . . .

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Vampire Apocalypse be DAMNED! These two dudes just wanna dance!

Unfortunately, for Damon, Katherine isn’t the only old vampire who always has a Plan B.  As it turns out, Tyler’s and Caroline’s capture was just a red herring to cover up for the REAL werewolf sacrifice . . .

(Remember when I said Jules was around when Caroline and Tyler were kidnapped?  I’m assuming this is when they took HER too.) 

But who’s the new VAMPIRE sacrifice?  Well, it’s NOT Damon, as he learns when he wakes up on Alaric’s floor, after having mysteriously fallen unconscious.

“Klaus said you were as good as dead,” explains Katherine, as she helps him up off the ground.  “What’s on your arm, Damon?”

Damon looks at his arm in horror . . . it couldn’t be . . . or could it?  Damon remembers tackling were-Tyler in the forest . . . He remembers something ELSE too (a very annoying SCAR on the history of TVD) . . .

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please! NOT AGAIN!

Oh, Klaus, you’ve really done it this time!  YOU BREAK MY DAMON, I’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!

But what about that FAVOR Klaus asked of Katherine?

When Elena arrives with Greta to the site of the Sacrifice, she finds Jenna lying on the ground lifeless.  “But I did everything you asked?  Why did you do this to me?”  Elena cries, holding her Aunt’s limp body.

“Oh, she’s not dead,” says Greta, with a smirk.  “She’s (dun . . . dun .  . . dun) IN TRANSITION.”

And the hits just keep on coming . . .

So, for those of you keeping score.  Here’s how our TEAMS stacked up today . . .

Team HUMAN: minus 1 (potentially minus 2, assuming the Sacrifice goes as planned)

Team Vampire: plus 1 (potentially plus 2)

Team Witch: minus 1

Team Werewolf: (potentially minus 1)

Team Werewolf Bite-Infected Vampire:  Plus 1 *sobs*

Team Were-Vamp Hybrid: ????

Based on the chilling extended promo, Next Week’s TVD installment, “The Sun Also Rises,” (which is also the penultimate episode of Season 2) promises one VERY GORY Sacrifice Ritual, some massive overacting serious wolfing out on the part of Klaus, lots more Crazy Eye Damon (except, now he’s got a REALLY good excuse for it), some Witch Hijinks and a Gilbert funeral?  You can check it all out here . . .

So, tell me Fangbangers, are YOU ready for the Sacrifce?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “By The Light of The Moon”

“Now, Caroline, I know you’re on the run from a bloodthirsty werewolf right now, but would you mind telling me who styles your hair?  That Medusa look you are sporting now is simply TO DIE FOR!”

Dreamy Doppelganger Tomb Sex, Magical Orgasms, deals made with the Devil himself, hot shirtless sweaty werewolf transformations galore, a Death Bite, and a Crying Kat, what more could a fangirl want out of a mid-season finale?

(Well . . . aside from THAT, of course. ;))

(And that. ;))

Tonight’s TVD installment definitely brought the excitement, and the drama, as the show’s writers got all of their characters to exactly where they need to be, for the second half of the Season.  Let’s recap, shall we?

“Is that wolf hair on your back, or are you just happy to see me?”

When the episode begins, Tyler the Super Masochist is rewatching the Snuff Werewolf Porn his Uncle Mason left for him in the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway.  He calls Mason, who he believes to be in Florida (instead of . . . you know . . . dead . . . like he actually is) to ask him for advice on what he should wear to his upcoming Werewolf Coming Out Party (Guest list = Caroline).  Unfortunately, Mason is a rotting corpse in the trunk of Damon’s car not home to take Tyler’s call.  But THIS CHICK is . . .

As luck would have it, THIS CHICK can’t take Tyler’ call either.  She’s much too busy staring at the phone, with that “I’ve got an EVIL GENIUS plan” expression on her face . . .  The chick (whose name is Jules, by the way) apparently has magical “Beam Me Up, Scottie” powers, because, despite living in Florida, she is on the doorstep of Tyler’s Virginia mansion, within the time frame of a single commercial break.  But Tyler doesn’t have time to talk with Jules.  He has a full night of hot half-naked almost sex with Caroline painful werewolf transformations ahead of him.  And so, he makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave, and exits stage left leaving Jules to interrogate Tyler’s mom as to Mason’s whereabouts . . .

After meeting up at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Tyler and Caroline head together toward the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway . . .

Once there, Tyler quickly disrobes . . .

. . .  so he can make sweet, sweet love to Caroline won’t ruin his designer duds, upon shifting.  Caroline feigns shock and embarrassment at Tyler’s nude form, but we can all tell she totally wants to tap that ass . . .

With his all-important nudity out of the way (THANKS, TVD WRITERS!), Tyler goes about the business of actually making himself less of a danger to society.  While shackling himself to some fairly heavy duty chains (see what I mean about the masochism?), Tyler ask Caroline for the wolfsbane he requested that she get for him.  (Werewolf Fact:  Wolfsbane is poisonous to werewolves, and saps their strength.)  When Caroline hands the wolfsbane to Tyler, he instantly recoils from its touch, the rare spice nearly burning a hole in his hand.  He then dumps the vervain into a water bottle and begins to drink it, an action which causes him to wretch uncontrollably.

As the transformation progresses, Tyler proceeds to get sweatier and sweatier, and hotter and hotter looking.  But he is also in a crapload of pain, and not in a good way  . . .

Despite his repeated requests for her to go away, Caroline refuses to leave Tyler’s side – caressing his cheek, rubbing his back, and whispering encouraging words in his ear.  But when things start to get REALLY BAD, Caroline straddles Tyler, and rides him like a pony . . .

Yeeee haw!  Ride’em cowboy!

However, when Tyler starts growling, and sprouting gross pulsating growths on his back, Caroline determines that it may be about time for her to leave.  Now, almost a fully transformed werewolf, Growly Tyler begins systematically breaking free from his chains, one by one.  Oh, yeah .  . . Caroline is SO out of there! 

A rabid Tyler lunges at Caroline, as she backs toward the door, full of tears, and muttering apologies, all the way.  Still trying to be a friend to Tyler, even though he “hasn’t really been himself, lately,” Caroline waits outside the Dungeon door for as long as she can.  But, eventually, it begins to buckle, and Caroline begins to worry about whether Were Tyler is strong enough to break the door down.

She gets the HELL out of there . . . 

The next morning, Caroline heads back to the tomb to praise an again-human Tyler on a successful Werewolf Coming Out party.  He stayed in the tomb, and DIDN’T EAT ANYONE!

“That’s a good boy!  You’re a good boy, Tyler!  Yes you are!  Now roll over and play dead.”

Seeing that her life is no longer in danger, Caroline straddles Naked Tyler, once again.  (That’s my girl!)  “You are OK,” whispers Caroline sweetly into Tyler’s ear.

“No, I’m not,” mutters Tyler, as he bursts into tears, finally recognizing the enormity of what has just happened to him . . .

(By the way, if CW shows were capable of EVER getting Emmy’s, Michael Trevino totally deserves one for this.  He took a scene that, in the hands of a lesser actor, would have been laughable and overblown, and rendered an understated performance that was both truly horrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.)

(Oh, and let’s not forget the NAKED . . .)

 Team Badass Returns!

How about a little Damon and Alaric bromance to bring you some holiday cheer?  But . . . before we get to them . . .

Knowing that Elena would go all suicide missiony on everyone’s asses, and rush try to get Stefan out of that tomb with Katherine, Damon came up with the brilliant idea of having Jeremy and Bonnie “entomb her” in her own home.  And, if I could find a GIF of Nina Dobrev doing the “Mime Thing,” as she tried to break through the imaginary wall in front of her house, I would.  Suffice it to say, it looked kind of like THIS . . .

 . . . only less creepy.

Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.  I just found one.  (Man, I love GOOGLE!)

But just when Elena is about to KILL Bonnie and her little bro for doing this to her, Damon magically appears . . .

Damon announces that he has arrived for his tour of duty on “Elena Patrol.”  This involves, making sweet, sweet love to Elena on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home  invading Elena’s personal space and eye-f*cking her brains out, until she’s so blissed out, she’s forgotten Stefan’s name . . .  THEN making sweet, sweet love to her on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home. (See what I did there?)  😉 

Things get off to a great start, when Damon plops down on the couch next to Elena, and throws his arm around her shoulder, like the total Playa he is.  “I find hilarity in the great lengths I go to to save your life,” Damon snarks, meeting Elena’s trademark, “puss face” with a smile . . .

But then Alaric calls . . .

. . . and tells Damon that he is needed for a Daring Mission and Buddy Cop hijinks.  And while us Delena fans love Team Badass, we can’t help but be a bit saddened, as our dreams of Delena Cabin Fever Sex slowly fly out the window . . .

Clearly, Elena was looking forward to Delena Cabin Fever Sex too!

Anyway, Team Badass’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to find out what the deal is with this Jules girl, who is nosing around Mystic Falls, and trying to find Mason.  They catch up with their mark at . . . where else .  . . THE ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT in Mystic Falls.

I love the way Damon and Alaric double-teamed Jules, using the same Good Cop / Douchey Drunk Cop Wingman Pickup Technique perfected by college boys, everywhere.  (Hey, maybe this would work on Elena?)

It’s worth a shot, right?

Anyway, while Jules is busy thanking Sweet Damon from saving her from Big Bad Louse Alaric, Alaric pours some wolfsbane in her drink.  If she chokes, she’s a werewolf.  If not, she’s just a b*tch.  In short, it’s like Two Guys, a Girl, and a Rufie – Werewolf Style.  (Thanks for the funny, Amy!)

If you recall, this was the same trick Caroline’s mom used on Poor Damon (i.e. vervain in the lemonade) a few episodes back, to out him as a vampire.  At least the experience taught him something useful!  The problem is that Jules is no fool, and sees right through the ruse.

She instantly smelled the Ode de Vampire cologne on Damon’s neck, and immediately guessed that he would try to slip wolfsbane in her drink.  “Tonight is the night of a full moon.  On any other night, our positions are reversed.  But tonight is not the night to pick a fight with me.  You’ve been marked,” warns the OBVIOUSLY werewolf Jules, before stalking out of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.


“What the f*ck just happened there?”

Furious that he’s just been one-upped by one of Mason’s K-9 floozies, Damon is mad and ready for revenge.  However, Alaric kindly reminds him of that legend that he always relays during the “previously on” portion of every episode, “One bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire.”

Alaric certainly doesn’t want his buddy to die!  So, he advises him to return to La Casa de Rich and Awesome STAT, and lock all the windows and doors.  Surprisingly, Damon complies . . . but there is someone locked in there with him.  (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)  It’s Rose .  . .

Awwww, CRAP!

Rose tells her sob story.  She’s scared.  She has no where to go, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Hear that?  That’s the sound of the smallest violin playing for Rose.

Then, a window breaks.  Damon’s got another female visitor (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)

It’s Jules, only she’s kind a looking a little doggish, if you ask me.  (Tyler was a kickass scary werewolf.  Jules looks more like a cute werepuppy.  Where I come from, we call that sexist, TVD writers.)  But instead of going for Damon, Jules bites . . . wait for it .  . . ROSE.

I’m liking this Jules character more already!

After Jules exits stage left, poor Damon actually looks genuinely concerned as to Rose’s welfare.  He hugs her close to him, feeling scared for her, not to mention incredibly guilty for the part he played in her demise.  But then, Rose’s bite appears to heal . . .

OK . . . OK . . . I know that was harsh.  But I promise you, I didn’t just want Rose to Bite the Big One, because she gets in the way of my Delena ship (though that is a VERY good reason).  I just think that cinematically, it would have been more dramatic, particularly considering this was a mid-season finale, for Rose to die instantly from were bite, as if shot with a bullet.  Not only would this force Damon to experience feelings of guilt, over the part he played in this loss, it would also prove to the Salvatores that werewolves (including Tyler) are a genuine danger for them, not just a hypothetical danger. 

But NOOOOO!  Rose seems totally fine . . . or is she?

“Sorry Rose.  It’s not you, it’s me.  You see, us Salvatore brothers are genetically programmed to only fall in love with girls who look like Nina Dobrev.”

A funny thing happened toward the end of the episode.  I started to NOT MIND ROSE .  . .

I know . . . crazy, right?

This was strange for me, considering my opinion of the character changed, while she was wearing that RIDICULOUSLY WHORISH purple nighty thing (seriously, what is up with that?), sitting way too close to Elena’s man for comfort, and KISSING HIM!

But here’s the thing.  I like that Rose doesn’t want to pursue anything romantically with Damon (WOO HOO!  GO TEAM DELENA!  We’ve still got it.). I like that she just wants Damon to scratch her itch, and assume the “friends with benefits” position that Now-Dead Trevor once occupied . . .

“500 years of sex with the same gal gets kind of boring, no?”

Perhaps, even more importantly, I like that Rose REMINDED Damon that he is in love with another woman . . .

Heck, she even seems willing to HELP Damon GET that woman — so that he could better screw protect her — if necessary.  (How’s that for self-sacrifice?)  So, of course, that means that Rose has to die, right?  Because whenever I start to kind of like a character I used to hate, they always have to die.  And when Damon finds these creepy pulsating bruises on Rose’s back, he begins to worry that werewolf bites may be fatal to vampires, after all .  . .

(Wait . . . does that mean my dreams of hot Taroline were/vamp sex cannot come true?)

Dammit!  Now they’ve got me rooting for Rose to live .  . .  MEAN WRITERS!

Meanwhile . . .

Bonnie and the Magical Orgasms, Part 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Having given Poor Jeremy the old kiss off, last week, Bonnie decides to busy herself with the task of de-spelling the Moonstone.  For help, she goes to . . . you guessed it . . . Little Richie from Family Matters Luca . . .

Luca is apparently a HUGE Witch Nerd with all sorts of Grimmores?  Grin Mores?  Gulags? spell books just lying around the house, waiting to be used at a moments notice.  Though mildly pissed at Bonnie for “channeling” him in the tomb-opening spell that almost killed him, Luca, who hasn’t been magically f*cked since last week, seems more than willing to help Bonnie de-spell the stone. 

And so the pair create their trademark romantic setting, with candles, and flowers, and blah, blah, blah.  Then they go in the center of a circle, hold hands and play Ring around the Rosey screw eachothers brains out WITH THEIR MINDS . . .

I decided to put Luca’s CURRENT picture here, only because the image of Bonnie mind f*cking the little kid from Family Matters was seriously starting to creep me out . . .

The “spell” looks surprisingly similar to the one these two did together last week, only this time the “moonstone” rose up and burst into sparks.  (I’m purposely ignoring the “their love set off sparks” metaphor the writers were obviously trying to go for here, because it was just so gosh darn LAME!)  But did Bonnie and Luca REALLY cure the moonstone of the doppelganger curse?  I’ll give you a hint . . . NO.  (OK . . . that wasn’t really a hint, but whatever.)

As it turns out, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has been pimping out his son, in order to carry out Elijah’s dastardly plans.  And one of those plans involved “despelling” the FAKE moonstone, and stealing the REAL one.  And that’s what Luca did for his dad . . .

Kid, you are SO GROUNDED!  No Sesame Street for you!

Speaking of Elijah . . .

“Hi, I’m Elijah!”

Ahhhh . . . Useless Aunt Jenna.  I discovered yet a third function for her idiocy this week.  Let’s see . . . in addition to staking herself, and allowing us a glimpse at Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, she also INVITES BAD VAMPIRES INTO THE GILBERT HOME . . . like ALL THE TIME!  This time it was Elijah, who she invited in under the guise of “picking up some books,” or something lame like that.

“He can have his stinky books.  I don’t know how to read, anyway.”

As it turns out, Elijah has a little proposition for Elena, one that DEFINITELY seems to good to be true.  You see, most of us TVD fans, myself included, always assumed that Elijah was a high-ranking henchman for the Big Bad Santa Klaus . . .

But tonight we find out that those two Old Fart Vampires are kind of “on the outs.”  In fact, Elijah would very much like to stake Santa Klaus’ ass (It is Christmas, after all!)  All he wants Elena to do is stop trying to get herself killed.  And then, when the time comes, Elijah and Elena will go kill Klaus together.  If Elena goes along with this, Elijah promises to see that no harm comes to the people she cares about . . .

Yes, I’m aware that Elena cares about other people aside from Damon.  I’m just trying to make a point.  OK?  (Besides, as you can probably tell, I REALLLLLY like this picture.)

But here’s the thing, Elena is (sometimes) smarter than she looks.  And she knows that she is in the position to negotiate additional favors from the surprisingly genial vamp.  (Seriously?  Wasn’t Elijah much less of a grouch, this week?  Who knows maybe he’s also in love with Elena . . . like everybody else on this show.)  As you can probably guess, that “favor” involves a certain tomb . . .

Fake Doppelganger Tomb Sex = FAIL!

At least, we always have the GIFS!

Stefan’s and Katherine’s much anticipated tomb sex romp, ended up being nothing more than an Inception like, dream-walking exercise in fan annoyance . . .

(Heck, if Stefan had only thought to spin a top during the intercourse, the whole thing might not have happened at all . . .)

“If that was really just a dream, why do I suddenly feel like I have crabs . . .”

The whole Dream Thing really does beg the question of how much control Katherine actually has over what Stefan does and says, in the DREAM WORLD.  Could Stefan have really cheated in the tomb with Katherine (YES YES YES PLEASE YES)?  Possibly, but it probably would have taken another 140 years — long after Elena was dead and buried — for Mr. Straight and Narrow to go to bed, and for Dark Stefan to come out to play . . .

DAMMIT, GOOD STEFAN!  You just pissed off a lot of fans, and gave me the worst case of Blue Balls EVER!”

Then again . . . maybe it would happen much sooner.  After all, Katherine’ reiteration of her love for Stefan — while she’s locked in the tomb and has nothing to gain from saying it — really did seem genuine.  What also seemed genuine was Katherine’s offer of help to Stefan, in finding Klaus, and destroying the Moonstone curse, and, thereby, saving Elena’s life.  “Find Isobel . . . she’s an expert vampire history,” Katherine suggests, more or less.  “She found ME.”

Well, well, well . . . it looks like Elena’s Mommy Dearest will be making a reappearance, after all . . .

Unfortunately, for Kefan fans, we don’t really get the opportunity to find out whether Stefan will stray from Elena in 140 years.  Because, about 10 seconds later, Elijah stages a Tomb Style Jail Break for Stefan on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Rats!  Foiled again . . .”

Honestly, I’ve never seen Katherine more frightened, than she was by the arrival of Elijah.  Her terrified tears were heartening, really — much more so than the dramatic ones she shed during the Katerina episode, in my opinion.  And yet, Katherine’s fear doesn’t trump her arrogance. 

Wrongfully, assuming that she’s been sprung from the pokey too, Katherine bounds out after Stefan, only to find herself face-to-face with the compelling gaze of Elijah.  “You will stay here until I come for you,” says Elijah calmly, as Katherine’s eyes do that thing Elena’s do to show their being appropriately mesmerized . . .

Then again .  . . the guys compelling these girls are always so gosh darn hot, it’s possible that this is just “the look of love”  . . .

As Stefan leaves, Katherine pleads for him to take mercy on her soul.  “You aren’t going to leave me here alone, are you Stefan?”

Stefan ponders Katherine’s question for approximately 2.5 seconds before saying, “SEE YA, SUCKA!”

So much for being the “Safest B*tch in Town” . . .

In the last moments of the episode, we are treated to a syrupy sweet Stelena reunion, and the hints of some Stelena sex . . .

DELENA FANS:  “Rats . . . foiled again.”

Well, that was “By the Light of the Moon,” in a nutshell, folks.  Next up . . . a LOOOOOOOONG Hiatus.  New episodes of The Vampire Diaries are slated to air January 27th.  While you wait, however, feel free to enjoy over and over again, this promo for the next new episode . . .

WOAH!  Rose is going all Crazy Vampire Zombie on us!  Apparently, werewolf bites are like rabies for vampires.  So much for Damon’s “Friend with Benefits!”  Looks like its going to be Vampire Vicki all over again.  And did you catch the steamy Taroline kiss? 

SCORE!

Still thirsty for more?  Check out The Vampire Diaries season 2 marathon,starting this coming Monday on the CW.  Experience the fangtastic magic again, for the second time (and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth . . .)

See you next year, fellow Fang Bangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

“Hi, Mom!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Kill or Be Killed”

“Sheriff Liz Forbes, you just found out your daughter is a vampire, what are you going to do now?”

“Ummm, go underground, and wait for my brainwashing?”

This week on The Vampire Diaries . . .  an “Origins” story was told . . .

 . . . vampires unwittingly found themselves thrown “out of the closet,”

 . . . a mother/ daughter relationship was put to the test . . . and failed miserably;

 . . . a BRAND NEW BROMANCE was born;

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of half-a-million gay male TVD fans simultaneously typing up Jyler Slash Fanfiction . . .

 . . . and “The Game” was irrecovably changed.

Let’s take a look back at how it all went down, shall we?

“Oh my GOD, you killed JIMMY (wait . . . who’s Jimmy, again)?”

The episode begins with a flashback to a year prior.  The location is Some Random Town, Florida.  Despite the distinct locale, Mason is drinking at a bar that looks suspiciously similar to the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls (because the same set was used?).  He settles his tab, and stumbles out into the night. 

Some Drunk Loser named “Jimmy” follows him outside.  “Jimmy” looks kind of like that Carrot Top guy.

“Jimmy” immediately attacks Mason, even though Mason repeatedly claims that the two are “friends.”  But Jimmy doesn’t care that Mason is his “friend.”  He just keeps babbling on about Mason being with Jimmy’s girlfriend, some chick named “Marla.”  Mason vehemently denies this.   In fact, upon hearing the suggestion that he and  “Marla” have been having Sexy Wolfy Times together, Mason makes a face like this . . .

Because of this, even though we never get to see “Marla,” I sort of imagined the woman as Marla Hooch from that old movie, A League of Her Own.

a.k.a. Carrot Top’s Jimmy’s sultry GF

Mason begins warning “Jimmy” to back off, or else “very bad things” will happen to him.

“You’re making me angry.  You wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”

But Jimmy doesn’t back down.  It’s almost as though some “unseen force” has compelled him not to back down.

History repeating?

Eventually, Mason loses it, and pushes Jimmy to the ground . . . HARD.

Nice knowing ya, Carrot Top Jimmy.

Back in the present day, Mason is explaining to Tyler how Jimmy’s death activated the Lockwood Curse for him.  “Any death caused by your hand will activate the curse,” he restates.

Now, every Full Moon, Mason has to get naked . . .

. . . and chain himself to something HARD (kinky!), or else, he will KILL EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH.

It was a very powerful scene between Uncle and Nephew.  But you know what would have made it even more powerful?  If the exchange was made while the boys were out jogging shirtless . . .

Just a suggestion for next time, Kevin Williamson . . .

Anyway, always a big fan of the quid pro quo, Mason takes this opportunity to inquire after his Family Jewels . . .

And yet, since Tyler still has information he wants from Mason (such as why Mason’s Family Jewels are so very small so important to him), Tyler decides to continue to manhandle the Jewels by himself, for a while longer.  Therefore, he once again, lies to Mason about their whereabouts.

Speaking of Big Fat Liars . . .

“The Truth” is for pussies!

Stefan and Elena are still carrying on their “We’re Going to Pretend to Break Up, So Katherine Doesn’t Eat One of Us” Ruse from last week.  Elena, of the “I only believe in PDA when it will make the boy I pretend to hate, but secretly Luuuuuuuuuuuuve, really jealous” School of Dating . . .

It’s OK, Elena.  Daddy LIKES to watch!

. . . starts pouting about how very, very hard it will be for her, not to be able to smother Stefan with kisses, and grab his tight firm ass, every second of the day.

To appease his whiny girlfriend, Stefan comes up with a code they could use to communicate with eachother, during their public Fake Breakup.  “When I say, ‘I can’t do this, anymore,’ what I really mean is ‘I love you.'”

Oh, that boy is GOOD.

“And when I say, ‘Fine, Whatever,’ it really means ‘I love you too,”’ offers Elena.

OK, I’m sorry, Elena, but that was LAME!  First of all, Stefan already knows you love him almost as much as you love Damon.  Couldn’t you at least have rewarded him by making your code into Dirty Talk?  (Example: “Fine, Whatever” = I would very much like to suck your big vampiric &$#@!”)

Oh, and while we are on the subject, who the heck “breaks up” with someone, by using the words “Fine, Whatever?”

“Ummmm . . . hi, Elena?  This is 1995 calling.  We would like our ‘Fine, Whatever’ back  . . .”

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Caroline . . .

. . . is trying to convince her absentee Mom, that the reason that she has been moody lately, is because she is “on the rag,” and not because she now occasionally snacks on nurses, ex-boyfriends, and random guys she meets at the school carnival.

Speaking of the aforementioned school carnival, this week’s Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time is “Volunteer Day.”

(Is it just me, or do these “events” get lamer, every week?  I mean, at least the Founder’s Day stuff was cool.  But cleaning a park?  Seriously?  What’s next, “Take Your Werewolf to Work Day?”)

Do I at least get a free t-shirt?

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 1

“I just can’t do this anymore, Mason.”

“Fine, whatever, Stefan . . . Let’s f&*k!”

Did you notice how VERY touchy feely our Sexy TVD boys were this week?  And did you also notice that this “touchy feely-ness” seemed to peak when they were in scenes TOGETHER, and WITHOUT GIRLS.  Here’s our first example of the evening . . .

Stefan gets up close and personal with Mason at Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time Volunteer Day.  He tells Mason that he is the “nicer brother,” and, as such, he would like to apologize on his “less nice brother’s” behalf for that whole “trying to murder him” thing.

“Oh, come on!  Don’t try to tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

But Mason is not interested in Stefan’s half-assed apology, nor does he care to come to any sort of “truce” with the Salvatore brothers.  “I made that same offer to your brother, last week.  And he turned it down,” counters Mason.  “Tell your brother to watch his back.”

“Oh no you didn’t, just threaten my Insanely Gorgeous Older Brother, and expect that would be OK with me!”

Mason doesn’t know it yet, but his careless words have acted as an unspoken invitation for Dark Stefan to come out and play . . .

“Heeeeeeeeereeee’s Stefffy!”

Stefan ever so subtly begins to invade Mason’s personal space, so that the pair’s faces are almost touching.  “Well, I guess you will have to wait until a Full Moon then.  Otherwise, you are not as strong, or you would have already killed Damon,” Stefan suggests, venom pouring from his pink puckery lips.

“There’s only one of you . . .

ONE

. . . but there are TWO of us . . .

TWO

. . .  maybe YOU’RE the one who needs to watch his back.”

The now SCHOOLED, Mason, having been promised by Steffy that Damon would stay away from him, reluctantly shook Dark Stefan’s hand and skulked back into the forest, his wolfish tale between his legs.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

Ever the expert at Personal Space Invasion . . .

 . . . Damon wastes no time getting all up in Stefan’s grill about the conversation he just overheard . . .

Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

“I don’t wannnnnnt peeeeeaaaace!”  Damon whines petulantly.

“Well, then consider it Opposite Day,” Stefan retorts.

“Do you really think a handshake will make this all go away?”  Damon asks incredulously

“No, I think he is going to try to kill you and me.  Like we don’t have enough problems, already.  So, thanks!”  Stefan replies smartly.

“Oh, you’re very welcome!  Cheers!”

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 2

Tired of being left out of all of his sister’s PowWows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation, and unceremoniously rejected from the Salvatore Detective Agency, Jeremy decides to take matters into his own hands.  Elena has already told him that Mason Lockwood is a werewolf, but nobody seems to know yet whether Tyler is one as well.

This sounds like a job for Mini Gilbert!

At the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy casually wrangles his way into a sort of / kind of double date at the Lockwood Mansion, along with Tyler, Slutty Amy, and New Girl, Slutty Sarah (played by Majara Walsh) . . .

At the Lockwood Mansion, Slutty Sarah and Slutty Amy dance drunkenly to songs from The Vampire Diaries Soundtrack (specifically, Obsession, by Sky Ferriera – GREAT SONG, by the way), while Tyler and Jeremy give eachother longing looks across the room. 

“Hmmm . . . I wonder if Jeremy has an Endzone Dance as cool as mine.”

Then, Jeremy accidentally / on purpose exposes his drawings of werewolves to the slutty group.  The girls think the pictures are “icky,” but Tyler takes the bait.  Steam coming out of his ass ears, Tyler excuses himself, and drags Jeremy into a nearby room, where he pushes him up against a wall and makes passionate love to him tries to strangle him.

Poor Jeremy, always in peril . . . kind of like Dawn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“GET OUT!  GET OUT!  GET OUT!”

“I know what you are,” gasps Jeremy.

Tyler eventually chills out, and the pair share a heart-to-heart, during which the Not-Yet-Werewolf relays to Jeremy, the ENTIRE Mason Lockwood Storyline, as it has unfolded thus far.

“Woo hoo!  *sings*  I know something Elena doesn’t know!  I know something Elena doesn’t know!”

Unfortunately, while Tyler and Jeremy are busy fondling Mason’s Family Jewels together . . .

. . .  Slutty Amy and Slutty Sarah pop in, and decide that they want to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels too.  In fact, Slutty Sarah would very much like to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels with Jeremy in Tyler’s bedroom.  But Jeremy is not down with that. 

So, Tyler, always up for everyone Sloppy Seconds, chases Slutty Sarah up the staircase and grabs for Mason’s Jewels.  The sudden movement catches Slutty Sarah off guard and she FALLS DOWN THE STEPS!

Is she DEAD?  Will Tyler become a werewolf now?

Unfortunately (Oh, come on!  Don’t get all self-righteous with me.  Slutty Sarah was REALLY annoying!), the answers to both of those questions are a resounding “No.”  Slutty Sarah gets up after a few moments without so much as a scratch on her. 

OK . . . how many of you want to bet that SHE’S not human, EITHER! 

(Is anyone human on this show, anymore?   If they tell me Elena is a Fairy next week, I will be SO PISSED!)

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

Never Trust Little Girls Bearing Lemonade . . .

“Sure!  NOW you tell me!”

While Stefan and Elena are having their silly fake fight (which nobody, except maybe Caroline, believe for a second) . . .

“Grrrr!  I’m so mad right now that I could just EAT YOU!”

. . . Mason is busy trying to convince Sheriff Forbes, or “Liz” as everyone was suddenly calling her today, that her good ole buddy Damon Salvatore was a real undead bloodsucker.

Just a minor little quibble here.  If Damon was able to hear EVERYBODY ELSE’S conversations during this episode, why couldn’t he hear THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE?

Mason eventually promises to prove to “Liz” once and for all Damon’s “true colors” (red and black, of course).

Damon first starts to get suspicious when he kindly tries to help Liz with her inability to relate to her daughter, and Liz, more or less, blows him off.

“Is this because I stopped following you on Twitter?”

But the Poo REALLY hits the fan when a suspiciously cute little girl offers Damon  . . . LEMONADE . . . and he DRINKS IT!

Oh, the horror!

Apparently, Mason and Liz had laced the glass with vervain.  The nefarious pair watches as Damon clutches his chest and falls to the ground  — his loyal brother Stefan at his side, helping him to his feet.  Once Damon comes back to himself, he is PISSED!

“I am PISSED!”

Stefan tries to calm down Damon as he rages against that D-bag Mason.  “I’m gonna kill him,” Big Bro seethes.

Stefan .  . . agrees.

“Well HELLO, Dark Stefan!  I didn’t expect to see YOU back so soon!”

“I don’t like it.  He is making threats, and we need to put him down,” says Dark Stefan in his best Tony Soprano voice.

The two corner Mason in the woods, and are about to jump his ass, when shots ring out.  Both Damon and Stefan fall to the ground, each SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE CHEST!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It was all a RUSE!  The Salvatore Brothers were set up by Wolfy Mason and Evil Liz, and shot with bullets of wood and vervain!

Fortunately, for the boys, Caroline, who is “comforting” Elena about her “break up,” gets suspicious when she sees her mother rushing into the forest, and uses her Super Vampire Hearing to track the vampires to that slave quarters / dungeon Mason had tied himself up in a few weeks back.

“Hey, when we’re done doing this whole ‘Save Your Boyfriends’ thing . . . I just heard there’s a big sale at the Gap.  Wanna go?”

Liz starts peppering a half conscious Damon and a completely unconscious Stefan (yeah . . . because talking to sleeping people is TOTALLY an affective interrogation tactic) about the vampires of Mystic Falls.  When the Sleepyheads don’t answer, Evil Liz and her Police Boy Minion decide to stake their asses.

Outside, Elena and Caroline are arguing.  You see, Caroline has just TOTALLY kicked that Weenie Mason’s ASS, like the HBIC champ she NOW is . . .

 So, Elena figures it’s high time both girls enter the dungeon, guns blazing, to save Elena’s boyfriends a.k.a. Caroline’s Punching Bag and Fellow Bunny Hunter, respectively.  When Caroline refuses to enter the dungeon, out of fear of being exposed as a vamp to her mother, Elena rushes in alone.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Heroic Rescue, mere human Elena is sort of a D-student, so it’s up to Caroline to bail her out.

Within about two seconds, Vamp Caroline has taken a big lethal bite out of Police Boy, and cheerily offered a polite “Hi Mom,” to Evil Liz.

“What’s wrong?  Do I have something in my teeth?”

Cut to a very weak Stefan chowing down on Peter Rabbit . . .

 . . . while Damon finishes off Caroline’s Police Boy . . .

Is it wrong that I find this photograph incredibly erotic?

Caroline then begs her mother to keep her little vampire secret, when Damon refuses, Caroline warns her, “he’ll kill you.”

“So kill me,” Evil Liz says sadly.

Ever the gentleman, Damon moves to oblige his lady, grabbing her by her neck like a rag doll, and pushing her up against the wall.  Everyone screams.  However, they needn’t be so worried.  “Relax, you’re my friend,” says Damon, gently placing Evil Liz back on the floor.

Something tells me that Damon’s definition of “friend” is a bit more expansive than mine . . .

“Did you get some bunny in you?” Caroline sweetly inquires of Stefan, as the Scooby Gang leave the dungeon.

“Yes, I am feeling much better now, thanks,” says Stefan with a smile.

How cute are these two?

After setting Evil Liz up with high thread count sheets, and letting her call in sick to work, Damon tells Liz that she will stay down there for three days until the vervain leaves her system, and then he will compel her to forget that all of this has happened.  Before leaving, Damon sweetly tells Evil Liz that she should be nicer to her vampire daughter.  “My daughter is gone,” says the Wicked Witch.

“You have no idea how wrong you are about that, she’s going to outlive your ass for centuries” Damon concludes.

Now we have seen Damon’s humanity in his self-sacrificing dealings with, not just Elena and Stefan, but also with Caroline and Liz.  His most recent kindness does not go unnoticed by Elena . . .

MOMMY LIKE!

Sometimes Bunnies Just Don’t Cut It . . .

“My Precious!”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena catches Stefan ogling those telltale hospital blood bags that made him go all CRAZZZZZY last season, as if they are nudie magazines.  When Elena looks at him with her trademark judgy eyes, Stefan tells her how Katherine built up a tolerance to vervain, by ingesting a little bit each day.  He believes he can do the same thing with blood.

“I almost died tonight.  This is the only thing that will make me strong enough to defeat Katherine.  If I can’t change, I can’t protect you,” explains Stefan.

“Vampire with an addictive personality, say WHAT?”

Elena storms off, just as she did with Stefan during their fake fight, only this time, the fight is REAL.

Upstairs at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena finds a Sad Caroline, who is afraid to go home, because Katherine is waiting for her to rat out Stefan and Elena.

Caroline confesses that Katherine threatened Matt’s life . . .

. . . and that’s when she decided to do Katherine’s bidding.  “I’m really scared of her,” says Caroline.

“You should be,” says Elena, except she doesn’t know exactly why.

Damon arrives home as Elena is heading out.

“Caroline is sleeping on the coach,” Elena whispers to Damon.

“And you?”  He inquires.

“I’m sleeping in your bed going home,” she replies, a bit wistfully, in my opinion.

“What you did for Caroline’s mom,” Elena adds.  “That was the Damon that was my friend.”

WOO HOO!  Delena Fans?  It is SO ON!

Since Elena has shared this VERY IMPORTANT piece of information with Damon (not to mention, gave him a nice eye f&*king for good measure), the Elder Salvatore brother decides to respond in kind.  “Stefan didn’t drink the People Blood.  But he NEEDS to.  And, deep down, you know that,” he concludes.

Elena ponders Damon’s GORGEOUS EYES and big . .  . ahem . . . heart words for a moment, before returning to Stefan.  “I don’t want you to do this alone,” she says to her loving bloodsucker.

After receiving confirmation that he will be able to control himself, upon imbibing just a few drops of human blood per day, Elena gallantly offers Stefan her wrist.  He sucks from it.  It is SUPER HOT!

“It’s you and me, Stefan .  . . always until the writers decide it’s Damon’s turn,” whispers Elena, as her eyes roll back in her head in ecstacy from all that licking and sucking.

In Other News . . .

“Mason can have his Family Jewels.  I still have a Big Stick, and NO ONE is taking that away from me except for maybe Jeremy, if he really wants it.”

Back at Lockwood Mansion, Tyler’s experience almost killing Slutty Sarah has given him a whole new outlook on the Werewolf Curse.  He wants no part of it.  And so, Tyler finally decides to give Mason his Family Jewels.

“Yee haw!  I finally got my balls Moonstone back!”

After rubbing his jewels a bit, Mason decides he’d prefer if someone else rubbed for him, and so he gets into a car with . . . KATHERINE!

“Why do I feel like I’m watching the last five minutes of The Usual Suspects all over again?”

A brief flashback confirms, more or less, that Katherine courted Mason a year back, knowing of the Lockwood curse.  She then, most likely, compelled Jimmy . . .

 . . . to think that Mason cheated with Marla . . .

 . . . and attack him.  It was KATHERINE who wanted the Moonstone all along.  The question is “WHY?”

As the episode concludes, we see Mason and Katherine screwing like bunnies . . .

Not those bunnies . . .

 . . . thus proving that Nina Dobrev is the LUCKIEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD!  Seriously!  How would you like to get paid somewhere in the neighborhood of 30K an episode to make out with Ian Somerhalder . . .

Paul Wesley . . .

 . . . and Taylor Kinney . . .

Ummm . . . Nina . . . if you ever get tired of this gig, you know who to call! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Hungry Like the Wolf – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bad Moon Rising”

I gotta say, given the build up this whole “Lockwood Curse” has had since the end of last season, Mason’s big drooly “Presto Chango,” this week, was kind of “all bark, no bite,” wasn’t it?  I mean, literally . . . he snarled, he barked . . . he made googly eyes at Tyler, like he was the boy’s “b*tch” (no pun intended).  He just didn’t .  . . you know . . . bite

To be honest, that was a little disappointing.  You see, I thought for SURE that random ho-bag, Amy (who is NOT to be confused with my fabulous blogger pal, who shares the same name, BTW), was a prime candidate to become Dog Meat / win the Senseless Death of the Week Award.

I was wrong . . .

This is not to say that there weren’t ANY fun things about “Bad Moon Rising.”  For example, I thought the “B” plot was quite intriguing . . . or, perhaps, I should call it the D and E plot . . .

I’ll have what SHE’S having . . .

So, without further adieu, what do you say we chain ourselves to our minivans, and bark at the moon?

Or . . . maybe we’ll just get started with the recap, instead?

Return of the “Rick”

Hey, boys and girls!  Guess who’s back with a Brand New Nickname, and a “Useless” New Girlfriend?

Our episode begins with one of TVD’s classic Pow Wows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  Said Pow Wow is held, of course, at the typical headquarters for such events, namely, the Salvatore Brothers’ Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Joining our usual trio of attendees to the Pow Wow is Alaric Saltzman, who, suddenly, everyone is referring to as “Rick.”  

This makes Alaric the only character on this show to actually have a nickname (except for Damon, who I sometimes refer to as “My Boyfriend.”)

If you want him, you will have to get through me first . . .

Why did they invite Alaric, you ask?  Because it was the third episode, and the writers figured it was about time Matt Davis had some lines. You see, the Salvatore brothers . . .

 in their infinite wisdom (and insane hotness), recalled that Alaric’s former wife, Isobel

 Known aliases: Elena’s Bio Mom, Heartless Vampire B*tch 

 . . . was a doctoral candidate at Duke University, who studied  “folklore.”  Apparently, said “folklore” didn’t only include vampires.  It also included lycanthropes or, more specifically, werewolves.

Kudos to the writers for providing us a (sort of) explanation here, as to why our favorite Vampire Detective Agency (Stefan and Damon) has been so unbelievably slow in figuring out what the rest of us have known for about half a season now: namely, that the Lockwood’s are, literally, Dirty Dawgs! 

“I’ve been on this planet 160-odd years, and I’ve never seen one.  If werewolves exist, where the hell are they?”  Damon inquires, throwing in a dash of his trademark “Eye Thing” for good measure.

“My mouth may be talking about wolves, but my eyes are TOTALLY undressing Elena, right now . . .”

 And then, just in case his youthful charm and unmatched good looks had made you temporarily forget, Damon chose this moment to remind fans just how OLD of a fogey he really is, by making, not one, but TWO Lon Chaney (Junior and Senior) references, and one Bela Lugosi one.  Now, while I knew that Bela Lugosi was the original Hollywood Vampire . . .

He’s not too bad looking — definitely NO Salvatore brother, though.

  . . . I’ll admit, I had to Google the two Lon Chaneys.  Apparently, the younger one played Wolfman in movies (hence, the reference here).  Also apparently, when he wasn’t in costume . . . Wolfman was actually kind of hot.

The Lost Salvatore Brother?

As for his father . . .

 . . . well, I’m sure he had a really nice personality.

Anyway, recognizing that having werewolves in Mystic Falls would be, in Damon’ words, “not good” for our little Scooby Gang, Damon and Alaric decide to take a trip down to Duke to “borrow” Isobel’s research on the creatures. 

Damon and Alaric:  Together again.  How bromantic!

Meanwhile, Elena, who is desperate to find out why she looks so much like Vampire Katherine, sees Isobel’s research as a possible treasure trove of information on the subject of her doppelganger. 

So, despite the fact that, Damon, the vampire she is desperately attracted to and can’t stop thinking about hates, is going on the trip, Elena decides to tag along.  Unfortunately, for Elena, Stefan  . . .

 . . . has to babysit Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

 . . . and can’t come along.  But that’s OK!  Elena can still use Stefan to make Damon jealous!

OK, Elena.  Now, I actually like the whole “meanspirited-ness” thing you have going on during this episode.  So, I’m going to give you an “A” for effort.  But here’s a little hint:  when you are trying to prove to someone that you are “so over them,” you might want to try .  . . oh. .  . I don’t know .  . . NOT staring longingly at that person, while you are MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  . . just saying.

What Elena was doing . . .

What Elena was thinking . . .

While Elena is OUTSIDE tonguing Stefan and eye-f*cking Damon, Alaric / Rick is inside, hitting on Useless Aunt Jenna .  . .

However, when things get too close for comfort, suddenly Alaric is all “I’m not ready for a relationship.  It’s not you it’s me, blah, blah blah.”

(Honestly, I’m not really sure why we are supposed to CARE about whether Alaric dates Useless Aunt Jenna.  I guess it’s just a way for Alaric to kill time, while he waits for his TRUE LOVE, Damon, to realize that he exists . . .)

Picspam courtesy of http://fyeahteambadass.tumblr.com/

“You hate me, huh?  That sounds like the BEGINNING of a love story, to me . . . not the end of one.”

During the ride to Duke University, a Super Sulky Elena rides in the back, while the Ambiguously Gay Duo, Damon and Alaric, keep the seats warm, up front.  Damon (who clearly feels that one and 1/4 episodes is MORE than enough time to get over someone trying to MURDER YOUR BABY BROTHER) inquires into the current status of Elena’s “forgiveness” of him.  “You know this pretending to hate me thing, is getting a little silly,” jokes Damon, as he aims his best “Eye Thing” into the back seat of Alaric’s car.

When Elena replies with the obvious — that the murder of one’s brother requires a mourning period more substantial than a commercial break —  Damon notes that there is a very big asterisk next to that statement.

Jeremy is still alive.

(Ahhh, Damon.  Between your obscure fogey film references, and your use of archaic grammatical symbols, you really are proving yourself to be elderly today, aren’t you?)

Elena uses this opportunity to pose to Damon the question fans have been pondering since the Season Premiere, namely: Did Damon see the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on Jeremy’s finger, before he decided to break the little guy’s neck?

To this inquiry, Damon responds, “Elena, I SAW the ring.  It’s a big tacky thing.  It’s hard to miss!”

THANK YOU, DAMON!  It’s HIGH TIME someone FINALLY noticed how majorly UGLY this ring is!

More Caroline-y than EVER BEFORE!

Speaking of Ugly Ass Rings, is it any wonder that Caroline bitched about the lack of stylishness of her brand new Vampire Sunscreen one?  “I have to wear this ring for the rest of eternity,” whines Caroline.  “Shouldn’t I at least get to choose what it looks like?” 

(Given the Salvatore brothers TERRIBLE taste in jewelry, I’d be inclined to say “Yes, you should, Caroline.”)

But, perhaps, I should backtrack . . .

At the opening of the episode, Caroline is avoiding Matt (who wants to go down to the old Lockwood Swimming Hole for Tyler’s outdoor party) because she can’t go out in the sun, without frying like bacon . . .

Stefan, recognizing that Bonnie’s witchy powers can make a Vampire Sunscreen Ring, and that being with Matt is Caroline’s one link to whatever humanity she has left, tries to convince Bonnie to do the spell.  But Bonnie doesn’t want to do it, because she is a total asshole worried that Caroline will hurt someone again, if allowed to walk in the light. 

(Ummm Bonnie, what time of day did Caroline kill someone last week?  That’s right .  . . AT NIGHT!  And, therefore, you think that not making the ring for your supposed best friend is going to save lives because . . .)

Hello, there, person who is a FEMALE, a MINORITY, and a WITCH.  Perhaps, you’d be interested in learning a thing or two about TOLERANCE of other species  . . .

Ultimately, Bonnie agrees to place a spell on Caroline’s ring, but only after she ANNOYINGLY lectures Caroline about the whole “not killing people” thing, like the lame ass Debbie Downer-witch she’s become.  Then, after instructing Caroline on the importance of preserving all life, Bonnie nonchalantly risks burning Caroline to a crisp, by ripping open the shades to her bedroom, and LETTING THE SUNSHINE IN!

Keep smiling, and shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure . . . that’s what friends are for!

Once Caroline is cleared for Sun Worship, Papa Stefan (ever the understanding parent) allows her to attend Tyler’s party, provided she feed on bunnies with him first . . .

“You don’t want to eat ME, do you Caroline?  Might I interest you in some Tasty B*tchy Bonnie-witch, instead?”

When a stressed-out Caroline unloads all her neuroses on poor Stefan, during their morning hunt, he notes wryly that “when someone becomes a vampire, all their natural personality traits are amplified.” (NEW VAMPIRE RULE ALERT!)

Upon hearing this, Caroline correctly notes that she will now be an “insecure, neurotic, control freak on crack.”  And, to prove her point, when Caroline reunites with Matt at the Swimming Hole, she goes BALLISTIC on Slutty Amy, for flirting with her man. 

Matt . . .

 . . . far from being turned on by the sheer extent of her girlfriend’s devotion, stomps away from Uber Possessive Caroline in a pouty huff.

Meanwhile, Tyler . . .

. . . has become suspicious of Uncle Mason, after seeing the latter lurking around an old underground “slave cellar.”  It is this suspicion, perhaps, that causes him to ignore Uncle Mason’s warning that it’s a Full Moon. And if Tyler doesn’t get all his friends off the property by nightfall, “someone will wind up wasted, and dead at the bottom of the lake.”

(Well . . . that pretty much sounds like every horror movie, I have EVER SEEN!)

“Pull it out, Baby!  It hurts (SO GOOD)!”

Over at Duke University, Isobel must have been pretty darn important, because her office looks like a Mansion / Ancient Artifact Museum.  And her old student / assistant, Vanessa . . .

(played by Courtney Ford)

 . . . seems literally willing to guard the place with her life.  Moments after the gang arrives, Vanessa shoots a crossbow in Damon’s and Elena’s direction.  The immortal Damon gallantly steps forward to take the proverbial “bullet” on Elena’s behalf.  While Alaric struggles to disarm Courtney, Damon and Elena engage in a thinly veiled sexual conversation over the phallic arrow lodged beneath the muscle fibers of Damon’s perfect abdominals . . .

 Yummy!

“Pull it out!  Pull the damn thing out!  It hurts so goodYES!  YES!  YES!” Damon whines, as Elena straddles him, rocks back and forth a bit, and, finally, breathing heavily, yanks the big stick out of his midsection. 

(Thank you for this, writers.  Clearly, you know how to give this Pervy Fangirl EXACTLY what she wants, while still sticking to your TV-14 rating.)

Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another vampire / human encounter on television.  This one also involved a morally ambiguous vamp “taking a bullet” for an ambivalent human female, and forcing said female to bodily remove the offending weapon from the vampire’s body . . .

I’m referring, of course, to the scene in True Blood, during Season 2.  In that scene, Eric tricked Sookie into sucking a bullet from his stomach, so that she would be forced to swallow his blood, and, thereby, be bonded to him forever . . .

“That b*tch i SOOOO DEAD!”  Damon remarks, referring to the woman who just crossbowed him.

“If you kill her, I will never talk to you again,” threatens Elena, childishly.

“You are starting to manipulate me,” Damon notes wryly.

“And I LOVE being manipulated.  Just ask Vampire Katherine . . .”

When Vanessa has calmed down enough for Alaric to unhand her, the grad student admits that, having reviewed Isobel’s research, she freaked upon running into the Definitely Dead Damon Salvatore, and Elena, a girl who LOOKED just like Vampire Katherine. 

Later, as the crew begins poring through boxes of Isobel’s research, Elena and Vanessa bond over boys and vervain plants.  “He is a first rate, jackass,” Elena whispers to Vanessa, looking over her shoulder at Damon.

Damon overhears and smiles.

“So THAT’S the pet name she plans to call me, when we’re doing the NASTY, tonight!  Daddy LIKE!”

Later, Damon sidles up to Elena to continue their Flirt Fest 2010.  “It’s a bummer we aren’t friends anymore, because I could tell you what I know,” he coos.

“Now who’s manipulating?”  Elena replies, trying to hide the smirk on her face.

Mental F*cking = all of the heat, none of the STDS!

Unfortunately, Vanessa has to ruin all the fun, by launching into a seemingly endless monologue of Plot Explanation Sans Sexiness, which seems to be the only purpose, thus far, for her character being on this show.  Vanessa explains to us that some Aztec curse made vampires Creatures of the Night, and werewolves Servants of the Moon.  She also describes the two species as mortal enemies.  “According to legend, a werewolf bite can kill a vampire,” remarks Vanessa. 

(And what exactly does it do to humans?  Turn them into wolves?  Give them a gnarly tattoo?  I guess we will find out soon enough . . .)

The “Serious” Vampire Look

While Elena and Damon are flirting over at Duke, Stefan and Caroline seem to be flirting with one another, back home.  Just as Stefan teased Caroline earlier about her neuroses, Caroline playfully taunts Stefan about his excessive seriousness, and the  stern looks he keeps giving Mason, at the swimming hole.  And I’ll be darned if the friendly teasing doesn’t cause the usually Serious Stefan to crack a smile or two.

Eventually, however, Caroline runs off to find Boy Toy Matt.

Apologizing for her earlier bad behavior, Caroline promises her beau “no more drama,” and then pulls him into the woods for a substantial makeout session, under the light of the Full Moon.

While the pair are going at it, Stefan receives a call from Elena, in which she relays to him the information she uncovered about werewolves, and the unique brand of danger they pose to vampires.  Ever the concerned Papa, Stefan rushes off to protect Caroline.

Meanwhile, Tyler is in the woods making out with Slutty Amy, a.k.a. Boy Toy Matt’s Sloppy Seconds.  Apparently, the girl had taken Caroline’s mind control command to “go after someone single” literally.  To Tyler’s credit, when Slutty Amy awakens from her compulsion, and ditches Tyler’s ass, he doesn’t go into a rage, like Season 1 Tyler would probably do. 

(I guess the writers are trying to make this Teen Wolf more likeable, after all . . .)

“Oh, come on!  How could you NOT like me?  I wear pajamas to my own keggar!  Now, if that doesn’t make me a Loveable Dork, I don’t know what does!”

Down in the underground cellar, Mason has chained himself to some rocks, to protect Tyler and his friends from his Wolfy Wrath.  However, upon hearing his cousin’s voice above ground, Mason decides to relocate . . . to also ABOVE GROUND.  Mason eventually chains himself to his van . . . which to me seems like THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER! 

So let me get this straight . . . you were concerned about hurting the teens located MANY FEET ABOVE YOU.  So, you decided to . . . come to ground level and be CLOSER TO THEM? 

“If this car’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin'”