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Come Closer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Unleashed”

sex me now

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As human beings, we can’t help but crave intimacy . . . a warm touch . . . a loving look . . . some kind words of reassurance.  We thrive on these things.  They can make a life, less lonely, and more worth living.

ep 11 salison

9_stiles-lydia

hugsies isaac
But intimacy can be as dangerous, as it is seductive.  Allowing people into your life . . . letting them “come closer,” leaves you vulnerable to rejection, hurt, and pain.  It also makes you about ten times more likely to get bodily dragged under your car, while your dog watches, and brutally murdered by a villain who seems to change his murder victim stereotype about as often as most people change their clothes . . .

going to die

Yes . . . three people died this week on Teen Wolf, adding to the season’s already aggressively gruesome body count.

i see dead people

But, more than that, “Unleashed” was about the benefits and unexpected dangers of physical and emotional intimacy . . .

toss out

So, rev up that motorcycle, avoid cleaning supply closets like the plague, and, for heaven sakes, hold on to your puppies, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .

stiles with wolf hat

enjoy the show

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(Special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who I know would bravely rid Stiles of his pesky virginity, if the latter asked nicely.)

Number One with a Bullet

Mistletoe.  Apart from being the impetus behind a few unwanted kisses around Christmas time, it always seemed like a pretty harmless plant.  Right?

mistletoe kisses

ep 7 kissy face

WRONG!  It turns out, Mistletoe is poisonous to adorable pups like Bullet and Secret Teen Werewolves like Scott . . .

BabyScared

It also ultimately brought about the brutal murder of this Poor Schmuck . . .

whois your daddy

“He knows who the Alpha is,” Not-Yet-Dead Guy muses to Scott the Dog Whisperer, after the latter extracts the offending bite of Mistletoe from pet Bullet’s body.

mistletoe

(And just in case you didn’t catch the OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING in that statement, both Scott and the Vet spend their next three minutes of screen time winking at the television screen, until you do . . .)

ephemeral

It’s a bit unusual to me that a guy who believes himself to be a “military man,” would (1) own the type of dainty dog that looks like he’d be right at home in a socialite’s designer purse; and (2) be so incredibly lousy at teaching that dog obedience.

bullet dog

“Here Puppy  . . . Puppy,”” Not-Yet-Dead Guy calls out ineffectually, as his unleashed dog runs out of the veterinary office and into a back alley.

here doggie

Bullet: “I’m not your B*tch.”

Clearly, Bullet knows who the Alpha isn’t . . .

Believing his dog to have run under a trash compactor, Not-Yet-Dead-Guy makes the genius move of STICKING HIS HEAD UNDER IT . . .

come closer 1

no no on

Already I’m cringing at my TV screen, while I wait for Not-Yet-Dead Guy’s face to get flattened like a pancake.  Fortunately, for Not-Yet-Dead-Guy he gets to survive long enough to make TWO MORE REALLY STUPID MISTAKES.  

owww bit

First, he STICKS HIS HAND UNDERNEATH THE DAMN THING.

draco malfoy facepalm

“You bit me!” Not-Yet-Dead guy yelps in accusation, as he removes his hand from beneath the compactor, only to find his dog waiting patiently behind him.

look at my bite

stupid human

“Stupid Human.  I ought to send this in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

But wait . . . if it wasn’t Bullet that bit not-yet-dead guy, who could it possibly be?

stefan shrug

Perhaps, it’s the creepy guy that’s weirdly chanting “Come Closer” from underneath the trash compactor . . .

Pop Quiz, Wolfbangers.  It’s the middle of the night.  You and your dog are hanging out in a dark alley.   You hear the voice of the unidentified thing that JUST BIT YOU telling you to COME CLOSER.  Do you:

(a) Grab your dog, and run away fast

(b) Grab your dog, and run away faster

(c) Grab your dog, get in your car, and drive away fastest or

(d) Stick your head back under the trash compactor, like a schmuck, and kiss your ass (and potential for recurring guest star status on Teen Wolf) goodbye.

I’m sorry, Owner of Bullet.  D was not the correct answer.  As a consolation prize, you get to have your head separated from your body.  But, hey, you weren’t really using that pesky brain much, anyway, right?

you can be my new dad

“You can be my new daddy.”

pick up dog

“But first you have to learn to hold me correctly . . .”

pick up dog 2

“Oh Brother!”

Thanks for playing.  Better luck next life time.

The Part Where I Weigh in on the Derek Hale New Love Interest Controversy . . .

Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

So, here we have our adorable English Teacher, with a penchant for inappropriately texting students, and hanging out in school boiler rooms at 3 a.m. . . .

scared teach

“Just because I am always in danger, and completely incapable of protecting myself, doesn’t mean I’m a Damsel in Distress.”

She hears a noise outside.  And like any good damsel in distress grabs onto the nearest phallic object to protect herself . . .

holding stick

But fear not, English Teacher!  That noise was nothing more than your Neighborhood Sexy Wolf, who has come a-courtin’!

im the alpha cameronbaum

English Teacher immediately starts babbling on about how her therapist thinks she’s crazy.  Because nothing turns a hot twenty something male on more, than a woman, who likes to talk about her mental and emotional problems with people she just met . . .

big bitch crazy

Start talking about your period, now, English Teacher.  That will really make him swoon!

tampon-med1

moony look

“She’s Dreamy!”

And yet, Derek seems to find all of this “quirkiness” adorable.  Possibly because he was mesmerized by her perky boobs, and didn’t actually hear the annoying words coming out of her mouth.    Intent on impressing his lady love, Derek even offers up some information he read off the inside cover of the Cliff Notes from The Crucible, to show English Teacher what a smart, well-spoken guy he can be!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Before he leaves her, the two exchange names, in hopes that they will have the opportunity for at least one roll in the hay set to pop music, before English Teacher meets her inevitable demise .  . . or, in a “surprise twist,” is revealed as the Evil Mastermind Behind Either the Alpha Pack or the Druid Sacrifices . . .

bitch face

she turns into the devil tendermercies

All right, so here’s the thing.  Contrary to what some might think, I’m not bothered by the fact that the writers have given Derek a love interest that isn’t Stiles . . . or Allison . . . or ME.  In fact, if having a love interest on the show, means more shirtless Derek, or more moony-eyed, lusty-looking Derek, I welcome the storyline with open arms . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

internet derek 3

let me love you

I’m just having trouble getting behind the idea of English Teacher as the love interest.  Yeah, I get that she’s “hot” or whatever.  She’s just so milquetoasty!  And beyond that, she just seems void of any of the sort of personality traits (edge, spunk, a sarcastic sense of humor) that would make for an interesting pairing with a brooding strong silent type like Derek.

sarcasm defense

Long story short, from a plot perspective, I understand the need for this couple.  They look “pretty” together.  And I’m sure younger fans will eat them up, for that reason alone.

happy elena

But from a writing perspective, I feel like, if the sole purpose of English Teacher’s character is to be a love interest for Derek and/or future victim / surprise villain, she needs to be written in a more dynamic way, so that the developing couple is more appealing, and “shippable.”

speedboat-2

Since we are on the subject of new characters, let’s talk about those twins.  Shall we?

Taking One for the Team

Over in the boys locker room, Coach Crackpot tells the kids that they are flabby and out of shape.

fat asses big

hot men no shirts

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Apparently, Deucalion isn’t the only blind guy on this show . . .

number of fingers

Meanwhile, Stiles propositions the entire lacrosse team for sex, upon learning that another possible virgin joined the ranks of the definitely dead in Beacon Hills, last night . . .

threat life

sex me now 2

Any volunteers?

ill do it

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Danny offers to be a hero, and take one up the butt for the team . . .

Stiles thanks him for his generosity.  And in the inevitable porn version of this series (bonus points to the commenter, who comes up with the best porn name for this series), that’s when things get really interesting . . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

But alas, this is just MTV, not Pay Per View.  And Danny’s gallant offer was nothing but a big fat lie.  What a cock tease!

blue balls

Speaking of cock teases . . . these two . . .

twins - Copy

OK . . . OK . . . I know that one is gay, while the other is straight, and that they occasionally “talk” now.  But I still can’t tell these two doofuses apart, or determine whether they possess actual personalities.

look confused

Perhaps, the costume department should have them wear these to avoid confusion . . .

gay one

straight one

Isaac . . . being an open-minded, non discriminating kind of guy . . .  doesn’t particularly care which one gay, and which one is straight.  He wants them both equally dead.

isaac running

twins running

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The three men mutually agree that the absolute best place to wolf out, and have a gang fight is in the woods right in the middle of a mandatory cross country run.  This way, the only people who could potentially see them, and learn their Deep Dark Wolfy Secrets, are THE ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM!

roar 1

roar 2

roar 3

rawr

Fortunately, Brutally Murdered Bullet’s Owner, appears literally out of nowhere, to protect these three dumb-dumbs from themselves . . .

dead bullet guy

tears from stiles

homeless kid

wasnt on the team

Talk about taking one for the team!

Speaking of taking one for the team, do you remember the scene from that old Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, where the two twin Siamese cats made a total mess of the house, and then expertly got poor Lady to take the blame?

Twin 1 beating up Twin 2, and letting Isaac take the rap for it, kind of reminds me of that . . .

beat self up

wtf

*crickets*

protect

you are a monster

Except, since I still can’t tell the twins apart, watching Twin 1 beat up Twin 2, was kind of like watching Ed Norton beat up Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club . . .

hit me as hard as you

beat two

Also taking a hit to the face this week was Stiles, who learned the hard way that there is no tactful way to ask the grieving girlfriend of a guy who was just brutally murdered, if her military-loving boyfriend had the opportunity to bone her, before he went off to that Big ROTC in the Sky . . .

talking to widow

too soon haha - Copy

But hey, Stiles!  Look on the bright side.  At least that pesky serial killer isn’t offing virgins, anymore!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Coming out of the Closet

Because Isaac gets detention for not “beating up” one of the twins . . . and the writers need Allison to have detention too for “romantic reasons,” we get THIS random scene . . .

sleepy baby

*insert loud snores*

 . . . in which Allison falls asleep in class, and mistakes the French teacher / Guidance Counselor / Vet’s Friend / Possible Evil Alpha-Loving Ninja for her mother . . .

sees her mother

impasse

You can understand Allison’s confusion.  I mean, these two look EXACTLY ALIKE!

7 4 twins

 In detention, Allison and Isaac get paired together to do something in the supply closet that I don’t quite remember, but it sounds awfully kinky . . .

Allison sort of / kind of apologizes to Isaac for . . . you know . . . trying to kill him, and stuff.

stabbed me twenty times

stabbed me

multi stab

Foreplay . . .

And Isaac sort of / kind of forgives her, because he would very much like to know what she looks like naked . . .

flirting 1

flirting 2

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I love the obvious chemistry these two actors (who were dating in real life, back when this was shot) have with one another on screen.  And, for that reason, I’m much more willing to get on board with them as a future couple, than I was with Scott and Allison.  But just as I have trouble believing Derek would fall for a Mary Sue like English Teacher, it’s difficult for me to see Isaac, a child of abuse, falling for  . . . really . . . his only male friend’s ex, who so gleefully brutalized him, just a few months ago.  Likewise, I have difficulty understanding why Allison would hit on another werewolf, so soon after she supposedly swore off the entire species, for good . . .

thinking

Maybe she’s just really horny . . .

Anywhoo . . . SOMEONE locks Isaac and Allison in the closet, which gives Isaac PTSD about all those times when his dad locked him in the icebox . . . which causes him to wolf out .  .  . which puts Allison’s life in danger . . .

ptsd

fighting

If I recall correctly, of the three newbie wolves, Isaac was the best at controlling his rage, because he used his rage over his father’s abuse as an anchor, to prevent him from ever becoming an abuser himself . . .

anchor found

Given the volatility of this moment, it’s interesting – if not exactly surprising, given all the ad nauseum foreshadowing of Scott rising to Alpha status – that Scott is successfully able to replace Isaac’s own father, as the anchor to Isaac’s humanity.  Upon freeing Allison from the closet, Scott literally “Alpha’s” Isaac into submission . . .

owned

vulnerable isaac

“Does this mean I’m grounded?”

Now, Scott is REALLY pissed.  The Alpha Twins have officially messed with his ex girlfriend, his bromantic buddy, and . . . Lydia?!

lyd and twin

hawt

Jealous much?

THIS MEANS WAR!

Sweet Vengeance

gotcha al

In what was probably my favorite scene in the episode, Scott, Allison and Isaac band together to exact perfect justice on those doofy Alpha Twins, by throwing that Siamese Cat Framing Trick the Bad Guys pulled at the beginning of the episode, right back in their faces.  All it takes is a little motorcycle sabotage .  . .

bike parts

. . . a hot cell phone pic . . .

looking hot on bike

. . . and a sexually tense lesson in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for Dummies . . .

throttle 1

throttle 2

throttle 3

throttle 4

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Considering Isaac spent his first time on a motorcycle, half unconscious, with a sliced open tummy, and a pair of painfully electrocuted nipples . . .

relaxing ride

. . . I’d say he does a pretty good job instantly figuring out how to maneuver it into the school, while making just enough noise to spark the Evil Alpha Twins attention . . .

riding around school

Isaac slips away quietly, just as one of the two Evil Alpha Twins rushes out to save his precious bike.  (How did he know it was his?  Aren’t both the bikes identical?)

see ya

“By the way, your engine sounds like it could use a tune up.”

I also like how, even though everyone in class, including English Teacher, heard the sound of the motor, before the Alpha twin ran out into the hall way, everyone immediately assumed the twin was somehow responsible for getting the bike into the school . . .

busted ha

“Maybe he moved it with his mind?  Perhaps, I should ask my new hunky werewolf boyfriend if this is possible.  After all, he’s REALLY smart, and read The Crucible.”

Regardless, it was awesome . . .

ian says awesome

But the twins’ Bad Day isn’t quite over . . .

For starters, that one twin has to get fisted again.  (If it’s the same twin who got the beating earlier in the episode, I’m crying foul.  Being a bottom is one thing.  Being a b*tch to yourself is quite another)

morph

Then they both have to turn into this ugly thing . . .

turning

eww

yuck face

ISAAC: “So, let me get this straight.  Lydia and Danny would rather bone THAT THING than you and Stiles?  That’s just cold . . .”

SCOTT: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, just when the twins are finally ready to give Isaac and Scott the beat down they’ve been waiting to give them the entire episode, Big Bad Blind Alpha Daddy pops up seemingly out of nowhere, and emasculates them in the worst way possible . . . by literally giving them a spanking . . .

sad boys

“But Daddy, they started it!”

smack

sad boys

Backaches and Heartbreaks

Speaking of Big Bad Alpha Daddy, he and his little clan of Evil Alphas interrupted Derek’s and his sister’s workout session, to pay a little house call . . .

kali

stabby

“Is this because I didn’t offer you any coffee?”

Gross Chick Kali still can’t be bothered to wear shoes.  But at least this time, she gave herself a pedicure . . .

painted toenails

While Derek is like BLEEDING TO DEATH and stuff, Deucalion drones on conversationally about how cool it is to murder your entire pack, because it allows you to absorb their magical powers.  Apparently, doing this has enabled Deucalion to become . . .

destroyer of worlds

demon wolf

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 . . . a Massive Over-Actor . . . kind of like someone else we know . . .

mountain ash

(How great would it be to just put these two in a room, and let them scream at each other?)

OK, so I have a question . . . if Blind Deucalion gets to take the best parts of all the werewolves he kills, why didn’t he bother murdering a wolf with 20-20 vision?

see or not

Deucalion generously invites Derek to murder his entire pack, so that he can join the Big Bad Blind Guy’s Merry Club of Personality-Free Psycho Killers.  Derek would politely decline, except, he’s kind of unconscious right now.  Sorry!

tired now

Then The Deuce and his awful crew exit stage left, leaving Maid Cora to mop all the blood off the floor, all by herself . . . Rude Sexist Bastards!

Fearing that his own bloodlust and fallibility as a leader will put his pack in danger, Derek “White Fangs” poor Isaac, kicking him out of the apartment, without explanation . . .

go back to your kind

white fang me

care about

And when Isaac refuses to go quietly, Derek does the one thing he knows Isaac can’t forgive.  He evokes the painful memory of his father . . .

hit 1

hit 2

hit 3

hit 4

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This moment of poignant betrayal sends a sexy, wet t-shirt wearing, Isaac right into the arms of . . . you guessed it . . . Hero Scott.

wet t one

wet t two

wet t three

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jack's complete lack

But hey, if this means more communal showers for these two, I’m totally game. . .

ep 8 more shower scott 2

Three is the Magic Number

Meanwhile, in their seemingly completely separate Murder-Sacrifice Plotline, that zany crime duo, Stiles and Lydia, get a lesson in druid tree worship from that wise Vet Guy . . .

crime duo

“We are totally the new Mulder and Scully from the X-Files, Lydia. You are even a ginger!”

Apparently, like Deucalion, the Druids (in addition to worshipping trees, and the number three), believe that certain types of individuals have natural power that can be harnessed and absorbed . . . people like virgins . . . and soldiers.  But when they can’t get real soldiers they will settle for ROTC kids who name their dog Bullet . . .

rotc

Having always had a creepy talent for finding dead people banshee, Lydia is surprised to find herself mindlessly sketching oak trees in the music room, with no memory as to how she got there . . .

not art class

Danny: “Personally, I prefer to sketch nudes.  But trees are cool too, I guess.”

When the Music Teacher doesn’t show up for class, Lydia plays a recording on his desk, and is horrified when it is overtaken by that now-familiar chanting sound that seems to precede all the sacrifice deaths we’ve seen on the show this season . . .

chanting

Either that, or she’s listening to Kanye West’s Yeezus, for the first time . . .

Stiles had warned Lydia, last week, that she should call him, before she calls 911, whenever she thinks she’s discovered another dead body.  And it’s a good thing she does.  Because, within five minutes of entering the music room, Stiles finds what he’s looking for . . . evidence that the Music Teacher was a military man . . .

Remember one is an accident, two is a coincidence, and, of course . . .

cadet

dead teach

Oh creepy Professor Harris!  It seems like only yesterday, I was suspecting you as both the Alpha, from Season 1, and the Kanaima from Season 2.  It’s too bad your tenure on the show had to end with you tied to a tree, begging for your life, after hastily scrawling an important clue on the last papers you will ever get to grade: “DARACH.”

deaddd

But hey!  Look on the bright side!  At least you won’t be suspect, this season!

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

hi stiles

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“We find them, and we kill them. We kill them ALL!” – A First Look at Teen Wolf Season 2

Wake up, Stiles!  It’s time for a new season . . . 

Last summer, MTV, home to “masterpieces” like Teen Mom and Real World: Season 265, surprised everyone, by taking a cheeseball 80’s movie starring Michael J. Fox, as the hairiest high school basketball star ever . . .

  . . . and turning it into a genuinely entertaining, smart, well-acted, and, at times, even downright scary, television drama series . . .

I mean, sure, at the beginning, most of us were just watching Teen Wolf for the pretty naked men.  Because, let’s face it, there was A LOT of that . . .

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“Doctor, why am I wearing pants?  Don’t you know I appeal more to the 18-34 demographic without them?”

 . . . but somewhere along the way we actually started giving two craps about these characters . . . wondering what was going to happen to them, and guessing who the mysterious Alpha Wolf would end up being . . .

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Hint:  It wasn’t This Guy . . .

Now, that the series is entering its sophomore season, the stakes are even higher for both its writers and actors.  No longer will Teen Wolf be blanketed under the protection of diminished expectations

No longer will the mere promise of gratuitous images of Tyler Hoechlin’s abs, be enough to keep us coming back for more . . .

OK, that’s a lie . . . I’d totally watch a show, just to see this . . . 

Coming into Season 2,  fans are going to expect even more blood, guts, and gore . . .

 . . . massive plot twists . . .

 . . . sex scenes that give the TV Ratings system the middle finger . . .

 . . . romance . . .

 . . . adventures in homoeroticism . . .

. . . and, yes, even some character development . . .

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So, the REAL question is, can the series continue to deliver?

Without further adieu I proudly present to you, both the first official Teen Wolf Season 2 trailer, and the first ten minutes of the show’s sophomore season premiere . . .

 

(Special thanks to my blogging pal Andre for the awesome screencaps you see below.)

My first impression of the new season is that the writers and producers have cleverly taken the aspects of the series that worked in Season 1, and amplified them in Season 2.  For example, Season 1’s pilot featured a whole lotta half-naked Scott . . .

 The first ten minutes of Season 2 features a whole lotta half-naked EVERYBODY . . .

Season 1 revolved largely around Scott adjusting to his new werewolf persona . . .

Season 2 will feature Jackson, Lydia, and at least two new characters adjusting to their new lives as supernatural creatures . . .

 Season 1 explored the various differences between Beta werewolves and the supposedly all-powerful Alpha . . .

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Season 2 will introduce new species into the mix.  Among these species will be the much-discussed Omega wolf (The first episode of the season will be entitled “Omega.”), the shapeshifting “abomination” that’s brutally eviscerating townspeople throughout the season, and whatever the f*&k Lydia is now (a wolf?  a banshee?).  Of course, there’s always the possibility that all three of these entities are actually one in the same . . .

*snickers*  Season 2’s Big Bad kinda looks like Batman. 

“Beef jerky . . . yum.”

Which brings me to my next comparison . . . the Main Murder Mystery.  In Season 1, fans knew that it was the Alpha who had been committing brutal murders throughout the town.  However, they weren’t quite sure of the Alpha’s identity.  Many fans initially expected Jackson, due to his increasingly bizarre behavior, and the wackadoo hallucinations he suffered, throughout the series . . .

This season, I suspect one of the main suspects for the brutal murders around town will be Lydia, who was brutalized by the Alpha last season, but never actually turned into a werewolf.  Like with Jackson, the first ten minutes of Season 2 show Lydia experiencing bizarre hallucinations.  She also seems, based on the trailer, to regularly blackout, and awaken nude (SURPRISE!) in close proximity to where the murders are taking place.

My current theory?  Lydia is NOT the Season’s Big Bad at all . . . but actually a banshee, inevitably drawn to death, and forced to harken its arrival, through ear-piercing cries of agony.  (It would certainly explain all her screaming . . . though I’m not sure why being bitten by an Alpha wolf would cause someone to morph into this.)

Season 1 introduced us to the Argents, a crazy werewolf-slaying family, who, despite their supposed adherence to some sort of Code of Conduct, possessed a strong tendency to kill first, and ask questions later . . .

In Season 2, they are still the Argents.  And they are still crazy.  Now, there just seem to be more of them . . . and they have KNIVES . . . lots and lots of knives . . .

SCOTT: “Uhh . . . Derek, is that a knife in my ass, or are you just really excited for Season 2?”

For me, two of the weakest aspects of the first Season of Teen Wolf were the snooze-worthy supposed-Romeo and Juliet relationship between Scott and Allison . . .

And some of the more laughable CGI graphics on the show . . .

With respect to the former, I suspect that the Romeo and Juliet-ness of Scott and Allison’s story will only increase, now that Allison knows she’s a huntress, and her family knows that Scott is a werewolf . . .

“You were supposed to be MY boyfriend, dammit!”

However, whether these heightened circumstances actually serve to make this relationship more interesting to watch remains to be seen.  I, for one, am still skeptical . . .

As for the CGI graphics on the show . . . well . . . that little Leap Frog Number Scott was doing on the way to Allison’s house definitely made me giggle .  . . though, I suspect that wasn’t its intention.

Is he supposed to be running or taking a sh*t?

On a much more positive note, I absolutely predict that Season 2 will feature much more STILES!  And that, my friends, is a very good thing . . .

But hey, writers. . . let’s get the guy a little romance this summer, OK?  He’s earned it . . .

So, my fellow wolfbangers, it’s your turn to sound off on the first sneak peeks of Season 2.  What are your thoughts on the new characters?  The new creatures?  Scott’s new haircut?  Jackson’s new abs?  Who do you think is this season’s Big Bad?  Why wasn’t Derek naked in ANY of these shots?

And, perhaps most importantly, who was Stiles dreaming about in the first five minutes of the episode?  Lydia . . . the night nurse . . . Derek . . .  or Danny?

That’s all I’ve got.  See you on June 3rd, my fellow werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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