As human beings, we can’t help but crave intimacy . . . a warm touch . . . a loving look . . . some kind words of reassurance. We thrive on these things. They can make a life, less lonely, and more worth living.
But intimacy can be as dangerous, as it is seductive. Allowing people into your life . . . letting them “come closer,” leaves you vulnerable to rejection, hurt, and pain. It also makes you about ten times more likely to get bodily dragged under your car, while your dog watches, and brutally murdered by a villain who seems to change his murder victim stereotype about as often as most people change their clothes . . .
Yes . . . three people died this week on Teen Wolf, adding to the season’s already aggressively gruesome body count.
But, more than that, “Unleashed” was about the benefits and unexpected dangers of physical and emotional intimacy . . .
So, rev up that motorcycle, avoid cleaning supply closets like the plague, and, for heaven sakes, hold on to your puppies, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .
(Special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who I know would bravely rid Stiles of his pesky virginity, if the latter asked nicely.)
Number One with a Bullet
Mistletoe. Apart from being the impetus behind a few unwanted kisses around Christmas time, it always seemed like a pretty harmless plant. Right?
WRONG! It turns out, Mistletoe is poisonous to adorable pups like Bullet and Secret Teen Werewolves like Scott . . .
It also ultimately brought about the brutal murder of this Poor Schmuck . . .
“He knows who the Alpha is,” Not-Yet-Dead Guy muses to Scott the Dog Whisperer, after the latter extracts the offending bite of Mistletoe from pet Bullet’s body.
(And just in case you didn’t catch the OBNOXIOUSLY OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING in that statement, both Scott and the Vet spend their next three minutes of screen time winking at the television screen, until you do . . .)
It’s a bit unusual to me that a guy who believes himself to be a “military man,” would (1) own the type of dainty dog that looks like he’d be right at home in a socialite’s designer purse; and (2) be so incredibly lousy at teaching that dog obedience.
“Here Puppy . . . Puppy,”” Not-Yet-Dead Guy calls out ineffectually, as his unleashed dog runs out of the veterinary office and into a back alley.
Bullet: “I’m not your B*tch.”
Clearly, Bullet knows who the Alpha isn’t . . .
Believing his dog to have run under a trash compactor, Not-Yet-Dead-Guy makes the genius move of STICKING HIS HEAD UNDER IT . . .
Already I’m cringing at my TV screen, while I wait for Not-Yet-Dead Guy’s face to get flattened like a pancake. Fortunately, for Not-Yet-Dead-Guy he gets to survive long enough to make TWO MORE REALLY STUPID MISTAKES.
First, he STICKS HIS HAND UNDERNEATH THE DAMN THING.
“You bit me!” Not-Yet-Dead guy yelps in accusation, as he removes his hand from beneath the compactor, only to find his dog waiting patiently behind him.
“Stupid Human. I ought to send this in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
But wait . . . if it wasn’t Bullet that bit not-yet-dead guy, who could it possibly be?
Perhaps, it’s the creepy guy that’s weirdly chanting “Come Closer” from underneath the trash compactor . . .
Pop Quiz, Wolfbangers. It’s the middle of the night. You and your dog are hanging out in a dark alley. You hear the voice of the unidentified thing that JUST BIT YOU telling you to COME CLOSER. Do you:
(a) Grab your dog, and run away fast
(b) Grab your dog, and run away faster
(c) Grab your dog, get in your car, and drive away fastest or
(d) Stick your head back under the trash compactor, like a schmuck, and kiss your ass (and potential for recurring guest star status on Teen Wolf) goodbye.
I’m sorry, Owner of Bullet. D was not the correct answer. As a consolation prize, you get to have your head separated from your body. But, hey, you weren’t really using that pesky brain much, anyway, right?
“You can be my new daddy.”
“But first you have to learn to hold me correctly . . .”
Thanks for playing. Better luck next life time.
The Part Where I Weigh in on the Derek Hale New Love Interest Controversy . . .
Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?
So, here we have our adorable English Teacher, with a penchant for inappropriately texting students, and hanging out in school boiler rooms at 3 a.m. . . .
“Just because I am always in danger, and completely incapable of protecting myself, doesn’t mean I’m a Damsel in Distress.”
She hears a noise outside. And like any good damsel in distress grabs onto the nearest phallic object to protect herself . . .
But fear not, English Teacher! That noise was nothing more than your Neighborhood Sexy Wolf, who has come a-courtin’!
English Teacher immediately starts babbling on about how her therapist thinks she’s crazy. Because nothing turns a hot twenty something male on more, than a woman, who likes to talk about her mental and emotional problems with people she just met . . .
Start talking about your period, now, English Teacher. That will really make him swoon!
And yet, Derek seems to find all of this “quirkiness” adorable.
Possibly because he was mesmerized by her perky boobs, and didn’t actually hear the annoying words coming out of her mouth. Intent on impressing his lady love, Derek even offers up some information he read off the inside cover of the Cliff Notes from The Crucible, to show English Teacher what a smart, well-spoken guy he can be!
Before he leaves her, the two exchange names, in hopes that they will have the opportunity for at least one roll in the hay set to pop music, before English Teacher meets her inevitable demise . . . or, in a “surprise twist,” is revealed as the Evil Mastermind Behind Either the Alpha Pack or the Druid Sacrifices . . .
All right, so here’s the thing. Contrary to what some might think, I’m not bothered by the fact that the writers have given Derek a love interest that isn’t Stiles . . . or Allison . . . or ME. In fact, if having a love interest on the show, means more shirtless Derek, or more moony-eyed, lusty-looking Derek, I welcome the storyline with open arms . . .
I’m just having trouble getting behind the idea of English Teacher as the love interest. Yeah, I get that she’s “hot” or whatever. She’s just so milquetoasty! And beyond that, she just seems void of any of the sort of personality traits (edge, spunk, a sarcastic sense of humor) that would make for an interesting pairing with a brooding strong silent type like Derek.
Long story short, from a plot perspective, I understand the need for this couple. They look “pretty” together. And I’m sure younger fans will eat them up, for that reason alone.
But from a writing perspective, I feel like, if the sole purpose of English Teacher’s character is to be a love interest for Derek
and/or future victim / surprise villain, she needs to be written in a more dynamic way, so that the developing couple is more appealing, and “shippable.”
Since we are on the subject of new characters, let’s talk about those twins. Shall we?
Taking One for the Team
Over in the boys locker room, Coach Crackpot tells the kids that they are flabby and out of shape.
Apparently, Deucalion isn’t the only blind guy on this show . . .
Meanwhile, Stiles propositions the entire lacrosse team for sex, upon learning that another possible virgin joined the ranks of the definitely dead in Beacon Hills, last night . . .
Danny offers to be a hero, and take one up the butt for the team . . .
Stiles thanks him for his generosity. And in the inevitable porn version of this series (bonus points to the commenter, who comes up with the best porn name for this series), that’s when things get really interesting . . .
But alas, this is just MTV, not Pay Per View. And Danny’s gallant offer was nothing but a big fat lie. What a cock tease!
Speaking of cock teases . . . these two . . .
OK . . . OK . . . I know that one is gay, while the other is straight, and that they occasionally “talk” now. But I still can’t tell these two doofuses apart, or determine whether they possess actual personalities.
Perhaps, the costume department should have them wear these to avoid confusion . . .
Isaac . . . being an open-minded, non discriminating kind of guy . . . doesn’t particularly care which one gay, and which one is straight. He wants them both equally dead.
The three men mutually agree that the absolute best place to wolf out, and have a gang fight is in the woods right in the middle of a mandatory cross country run. This way, the only people who could potentially see them, and learn their Deep Dark Wolfy Secrets, are THE ENTIRE LACROSSE TEAM!
Fortunately, Brutally Murdered Bullet’s Owner, appears literally out of nowhere, to protect these three dumb-dumbs from themselves . . .
Talk about taking one for the team!
Speaking of taking one for the team, do you remember the scene from that old Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp, where the two twin Siamese cats made a total mess of the house, and then expertly got poor Lady to take the blame?
Twin 1 beating up Twin 2, and letting Isaac take the rap for it, kind of reminds me of that . . .
Except, since I still can’t tell the twins apart, watching Twin 1 beat up Twin 2, was kind of like watching Ed Norton beat up Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club . . .
Also taking a hit to the face this week was Stiles, who learned the hard way that there is no tactful way to ask the grieving girlfriend of a guy who was just brutally murdered, if her military-loving boyfriend had the opportunity to bone her, before he went off to that Big ROTC in the Sky . . .
But hey, Stiles! Look on the bright side. At least that pesky serial killer isn’t offing virgins, anymore!
Coming out of the Closet
Because Isaac gets detention for
not “beating up” one of the twins . . . and the writers need Allison to have detention too for “romantic reasons,” we get THIS random scene . . .
*insert loud snores*
. . . in which Allison falls asleep in class, and mistakes the French teacher / Guidance Counselor / Vet’s Friend / Possible Evil Alpha-Loving Ninja for her mother . . .
You can understand Allison’s confusion. I mean, these two look EXACTLY ALIKE!
In detention, Allison and Isaac get paired together to do something in the supply closet that I don’t quite remember, but it sounds awfully kinky . . .
Allison sort of / kind of apologizes to Isaac for . . . you know . . . trying to kill him, and stuff.
Foreplay . . .
And Isaac sort of / kind of forgives her, because he would very much like to know what she looks like naked . . .
I love the obvious chemistry these two actors (who were dating in real life, back when this was shot) have with one another on screen. And, for that reason, I’m much more willing to get on board with them as a future couple, than I was with Scott and Allison. But just as I have trouble believing Derek would fall for a Mary Sue like English Teacher, it’s difficult for me to see Isaac, a child of abuse, falling for . . . really . . . his only male friend’s ex, who so gleefully brutalized him, just a few months ago. Likewise, I have difficulty understanding why Allison would hit on another werewolf, so soon after she supposedly swore off the entire species, for good . . .
Maybe she’s just really horny . . .
Anywhoo . . . SOMEONE locks Isaac and Allison in the closet, which gives Isaac PTSD about all those times when his dad locked him in the icebox . . . which causes him to wolf out . . . which puts Allison’s life in danger . . .
If I recall correctly, of the three newbie wolves, Isaac was the best at controlling his rage, because he used his rage over his father’s abuse as an anchor, to prevent him from ever becoming an abuser himself . . .
Given the volatility of this moment, it’s interesting – if not exactly surprising, given all the ad nauseum foreshadowing of Scott rising to Alpha status – that Scott is successfully able to replace Isaac’s own father, as the anchor to Isaac’s humanity. Upon freeing Allison from the closet, Scott literally “Alpha’s” Isaac into submission . . .
“Does this mean I’m grounded?”
Now, Scott is REALLY pissed. The Alpha Twins have officially messed with his ex girlfriend, his bromantic buddy, and . . . Lydia?!
THIS MEANS WAR!
In what was probably my favorite scene in the episode, Scott, Allison and Isaac band together to exact perfect justice on those doofy Alpha Twins, by throwing that Siamese Cat Framing Trick the Bad Guys pulled at the beginning of the episode, right back in their faces. All it takes is a little motorcycle sabotage . . .
. . . a hot cell phone pic . . .
. . . and a sexually tense lesson in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for Dummies . . .
Considering Isaac spent his first time on a motorcycle, half unconscious, with a sliced open tummy, and a pair of painfully electrocuted nipples . . .
. . . I’d say he does a pretty good job instantly figuring out how to maneuver it into the school, while making just enough noise to spark the Evil Alpha Twins attention . . .
Isaac slips away quietly, just as one of the two Evil Alpha Twins rushes out to save his precious bike. (How did he know it was his? Aren’t both the bikes identical?)
“By the way, your engine sounds like it could use a tune up.”
I also like how, even though everyone in class, including English Teacher, heard the sound of the motor, before the Alpha twin ran out into the hall way, everyone immediately assumed the twin was somehow responsible for getting the bike into the school . . .
“Maybe he moved it with his mind? Perhaps, I should ask my new hunky werewolf boyfriend if this is possible. After all, he’s REALLY smart, and read The Crucible.”
Regardless, it was awesome . . .
But the twins’ Bad Day isn’t quite over . . .
For starters, that one twin has to get fisted again. (If it’s the same twin who got the beating earlier in the episode, I’m crying foul. Being a bottom is one thing. Being a b*tch to yourself is quite another)
Then they both have to turn into this ugly thing . . .
ISAAC: “So, let me get this straight. Lydia and Danny would rather bone THAT THING than you and Stiles? That’s just cold . . .”
SCOTT: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”
As if all that wasn’t bad enough, just when the twins are finally ready to give Isaac and Scott the beat down they’ve been waiting to give them the entire episode, Big Bad Blind Alpha Daddy pops up seemingly out of nowhere, and emasculates them in the worst way possible . . . by literally giving them a spanking . . .
“But Daddy, they started it!”
Backaches and Heartbreaks
Speaking of Big Bad Alpha Daddy, he and his little clan of Evil Alphas interrupted Derek’s and his sister’s workout session, to pay a little house call . . .
“Is this because I didn’t offer you any coffee?”
Gross Chick Kali still can’t be bothered to wear shoes. But at least this time, she gave herself a pedicure . . .
While Derek is like BLEEDING TO DEATH and stuff, Deucalion drones on conversationally about how cool it is to murder your entire pack, because it allows you to absorb their magical powers. Apparently, doing this has enabled Deucalion to become . . .
. . . a Massive Over-Actor . . . kind of like someone else we know . . .
(How great would it be to just put these two in a room, and let them scream at each other?)
OK, so I have a question . . . if Blind Deucalion gets to take the best parts of all the werewolves he kills, why didn’t he bother murdering a wolf with 20-20 vision?
Deucalion generously invites Derek to murder his entire pack, so that he can join the Big Bad Blind Guy’s Merry Club of Personality-Free Psycho Killers. Derek would politely decline, except, he’s kind of unconscious right now. Sorry!
Then The Deuce and his awful crew exit stage left, leaving Maid Cora to mop all the blood off the floor, all by herself . . . Rude Sexist Bastards!
Fearing that his own bloodlust and fallibility as a leader will put his pack in danger, Derek “White Fangs” poor Isaac, kicking him out of the apartment, without explanation . . .
And when Isaac refuses to go quietly, Derek does the one thing he knows Isaac can’t forgive. He evokes the painful memory of his father . . .
This moment of poignant betrayal sends a sexy, wet t-shirt wearing, Isaac right into the arms of . . . you guessed it . . . Hero Scott.
But hey, if this means more communal showers for these two, I’m totally game. . .
Three is the Magic Number
Meanwhile, in their seemingly completely separate Murder-Sacrifice Plotline, that zany crime duo, Stiles and Lydia, get a lesson in druid tree worship from that wise Vet Guy . . .
“We are totally the new Mulder and Scully from the X-Files, Lydia. You are even a ginger!”
Apparently, like Deucalion, the Druids (in addition to worshipping trees, and the number three), believe that certain types of individuals have natural power that can be harnessed and absorbed . . . people like virgins . . . and soldiers. But when they can’t get real soldiers they will settle for ROTC kids who name their dog Bullet . . .
Having always had a creepy talent for finding dead people
banshee, Lydia is surprised to find herself mindlessly sketching oak trees in the music room, with no memory as to how she got there . . .
Danny: “Personally, I prefer to sketch nudes. But trees are cool too, I guess.”
When the Music Teacher doesn’t show up for class, Lydia plays a recording on his desk, and is horrified when it is overtaken by that now-familiar chanting sound that seems to precede all the sacrifice deaths we’ve seen on the show this season . . .
Either that, or she’s listening to Kanye West’s Yeezus, for the first time . . .
Stiles had warned Lydia, last week, that she should call him, before she calls 911, whenever she thinks she’s discovered another dead body. And it’s a good thing she does. Because, within five minutes of entering the music room, Stiles finds what he’s looking for . . . evidence that the Music Teacher was a military man . . .
Remember one is an accident, two is a coincidence, and, of course . . .
Oh creepy Professor Harris! It seems like only yesterday, I was suspecting you as both the Alpha, from Season 1, and the Kanaima from Season 2. It’s too bad your tenure on the show had to end with you tied to a tree, begging for your life, after hastily scrawling an important clue on the last papers you will ever get to grade: “DARACH.”
But hey! Look on the bright side! At least you won’t be suspect, this season!
Until next time, Wolfbangers!