Is it just me, or would Sue’s “wedding dress” look fabulous with a pair of those sneakers Steve Martin made for his daughter in that “Father of the Bride” movie?
Do you LOVE weddings? Does the mere sight of taffeta and lace make you go gooey? Do you weep with joy, every time you receive a calligraphy-adorned envelope in the mail, with your name on it? If so, this was the Glee episode for YOU! After all, this week’s installment of Glee offered not one, but TWO weddings!
Despite the episode’s title suggesting otherwise, Kurt and Finn didn’t actually marry one another, during Furt 😦 . . .
Well . . . actually . . . one wedding, and one rehearsal. But still, you’ve got to admit, that’s a whole lot of HOLY NUPTIAL for a single hour of television!
As for those of you who HATE weddings . . . well, at least you got to watch a couple of guys beat the crap out of one another . . .
I mean, that’s gotta count for something, right?
And so, without further adieu, what do you say we strap on those high heels, pick up that bouquet, and get ready for that long slow saunter down the aisle? (But since it’s a Glee Wedding, that “long slow saunter” will be more like a cheesy skip-hop, performed while waving streamers in the air, to the tune of a Bruno Mars song.)
Wheeeeeeeee!
An Indecent Proposal
“Ohhhh, Indecent! Sounds kinky!”‘
Question: What is the LEAST romantic location for a marriage proposal?
If you answered in a high school classroom that reeks of chalk and body odor, you are clearly not part of the Hummel family! The episode begins with Kurt’s Super-Adorable-I-Just-Want-To-Pinch-His-Cheeks-Every-Time-He’s-On-Screen Daddy, and Finn’s Ridculously Sweet Mommy invading McKinley High.
(Is there no security at McKinley High? So, basically, anybody could just waltz into this school, without so much as a “full body scan” or a groin-groping pat down?)
Principal Sylvester FAIL!
Anyway, Happy Couple, Burt and Carol, arrive at school to share some good news with Kurt and Finn. Apparently, Burt just proposed to Carol in the SAME SCHOOL CLASSROOM WHERE THEY FIRST MET! How lame romantic! As luck would have it, the duo need to be married by the end of the week. (Did anybody else get a whiff of Shotgun Wedding from this scene? Because I did!)
Mini Kurt: Coming Soon to a Glee near you?
Since Burt has already spent his life savings satisfying Kurt’s endless requests for Barbara Streisand tickets and designer hats, the couple wants to “save their money for the honeymoon,” Burt and Carol cannot afford a wedding planner or a real band. And, so, they hire the next best things . . .
Wedding Planner Kurt . . .
and . . .
Wedding Band, New Directions.
Upon hearing that he has been given the opportunity to create the Poor Person’s Version of Wedding of his Childhood Dreams, Kurt becomes so ecstatic, that he stops spitting out little pink purses every time he speaks . . .
. . . and starts puking veils, rings, and something blue?
Marital Masturbation?
There is a difference between “loving yourself,” and “LOVING YOURSELF,” if you catch my drift . . .
When we first see Sue, she has just learned that her ex-boyfriend, Smarmy News Anchor, Rod Randall, is going to marry his Prissy-80’s hair wearing co-anchor. “You are going to die alone,” 80’s Hair sweetly tells Sue.
80’s Hair’s comment about the prospect of Sue dying alone clearly impacts the Cheerios’ coach. And so, our favorite track-suit wearing diva decides to take action . . . by doing something that will ABSOLUTELY ensure that her rival’s prediction will come true. (Hey, if you can’t beat em,’ join em’ right?). Sue makes a proposal of marriage to the ONLY person genetically capable of putting up with her unique brand of Crazy. HERSELF!
Like Burt and Carol before her, Sue seems to be in a major rush to get herself to the altar. Invitations are hastily drafted, and sent out into the world . . .
One of those invitations goes to Sue’s mother, a woman named Doris, who looks suspiciously like Carol Burnett.
The resemblance is uncanny . . .
Apparently, Doris has been so busy “Nazi” hunting, that she hasn’t had time to do insignificant little things like . . . oh . . . raising her two daughters. And so, because this is Glee, Mama Sylvester does what every cast member on this show does, when they want to justify being an MAJOR A**hole to the people around them . . . she sings about it.
The only difference is that, rather than sing a cool song, Mama Sylvester sings a lame one entitled “Ohio,” with Sue chiming in for the two-part harmony. Personally, I would have preferred something a little snappier like “Mama Mia,” or “Mama, I’m Coming Home,” or “She’s a Bad Mama Jama,” or “Mama Said Knock You Out,” or . . . well . . . any song aside from “Ohio.” But, hey, you can’t get everything you want in this world, right?
At the “wedding rehearsal,” a very unsupportive Doris says so many AWFUL things about Sue, and her life choices, that Sue actually ends up disinviting her from the wedding! Now Sue will not only be the bride, groom, and officiant at her own wedding, she will also have to be the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE! Gee, I wonder who’s going to end up catching the bouquet? Sue? Sue? Or Sue?
This is Sue Sylvester’s world. The rest of us are just living in it . . .
Well, Bully for YOU!
Sue wasn’t the only cast member coping with a MAJOR A**hole this week. Kurt barely had time to rejoice over the fact that he was FINALLY, after 16 long years, going to get to be . . .
. . . when that Mean Ole Bastard, Karofsky, is all up in his grill, and snatching his bride and groom cake toppers right out of his hand, just because he can.
Will, who witnesses the Great Cake Topper Massacre firsthand, accompanies a clearly traumatized Kurt to Principal Sue’s office, where she does a surprisingly good job playing the role of school administrator.
I KNOW! Crazy, right?
As it turns out, Sue, was also bullied quite a bit, back when she was in high school. So, she is surprisingly sympathetic to Kurt’s plight. And yet without proof that Karofsky has committed any actual physical violence to Kurt (beyond just pushing him into a locker and raping his face, with gross slobbery Neanderthal kisses), Sue’s hands are tied. However, the new principal promises Kurt that the minute Karofsky lays a hand on Kurt, or anyone else at the school, for that matter,, he will be immediately expelled.
On the way out of the meeting, Kurt callls issue with Sue’s repeated insistence on calling him “lady.” “That’s bullying too,” Kurt explains matter-of-factly.
“A Bully? Moi?”
“As an apology, I’ll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain or Tickle-Me-Doughface,” Sue concedes.
(Yeah, I didn’t know what the f*ck a Gelfling was either. But, according to Google images, they look like this . . .)
Kurt ultimately decides to go with Porcelain. Although I, like Sue, would have much preferred “Tickle-Me Doughface.”
Clearly, Tickle Me Elmo agrees . . .
Behind Every Great Man there’s an Even Greater (and sometimes much more annoying) Woman . . .
Upon hearing about the HORROR that was Great Cake Topper Massacre, Rachel commandeers Quinn, Brittany, and Tina to help Kurt. “All of us have boyfriends on the football team,” Rachel explains.
Wait . . . Mike Chang is on the football team? Brittany is ACTUALLY dating Artie? How did I not know ANY of this?
Rachel’s master plan is for the girls to deny their “boyfriends” sex, until they agree to beat up Karofsky on Kurt’s behalf. The only problem is that Rachel doesn’t put out. So, her boyfriend, Finn, sits back and gets his toenails done while, “Rising Star of Popularity” Sam, along with Mike and Artie, do the dirty work, in the coolest, most disturbing, and unintentionally hilarious Boys Locker Room Fight Scene Ever!
Mike (apparently he IS on the football team!) Chang and Artie are up first. They defend Kurt’s honor, by exchanging constipated facial expressions with Karofsky. But then Karofsky PUSHES OVER ARTIE’S WHEELCHAIR!
OK . . . now that’s just friggin EVIL!
So, in steps Alpha Male Macaulay Culkin Sam to SAVE THE DAY, by kicking Karofsky’s closeted ASS!
Oh, don’t worry, Macauley! Your doppelganger is OK. He just got a black eye.
And besides, Quinn found out what Sam did for Kurt, and she’s actually wearing his promise ring now . . .
You know what that means, don’t you? Sam is TOTALLY going to get laid NOW!
EXPULSION!
Burt Hummel is at the school again (see what I mean about the lack of security!), taking wedding dance lessons from Kurt and Terrible Dancer Finn, when Karofsky pops by and “limp wrists” Kurt. Burt sees this happen, and quickly figures out that Kurt is being bullied by this D-bag. So, Burt PUSHES KAROFSKY INTO A LOCKER AND THREATENS TO BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF HIM!
Then, Karofsky’s dad, Doc Arzt from Lost I thought he died in a plane crash! is called to the school to explain his son’s bullying ways.
“The smoke monster made him do it.”
Arzt admits that Karofsky’s been acting out a bit of late. And when Sue expels the Douche for terrorizing Kurt and BEATING UP ON POOR ARTIE, Arzt seems to accept his son’s fate, at least at first . . .
“Marry YOU!”
Burt and Carol’s nuptials had EVERYTHING a Wedding Fangirl could ask for: tear-jerking speeches, dancing, glitz and glam – THE WORKS!
The wedding featured not one . . . not two . . . but THREE musical numbers! The first was a dance down the aisle to the Glee kids cover of “Marry You.” The cover, though admittedly cheesy (I could have done without the bad down-the-aisle YouTube video inspired dancing and the streamers), was pretty awesome!
Next came Will Schuester’s cover of Michael Buble’s version of that classic pre-sex song, “Sway.” Although, it wasn’t the best version of the song I’ve seen, how could you not LOVE the image of a Pre-Sex Schuester?
But it was the third song that REALLY put the icing on the Wedding Cake that was this episode. In it, Finn pays tribute to his new brother, Kurt. In doing so, he officially forms the new holy union of “Furt” — a union that will hereby join the “Power Couple” ranks of Finchel, Puckleberry, Squinn, Mina, Bartie, and whatever other random couple Glee decides to make up in the future!
“No one has showed me, as much as you, what it means to be a man. From now on, I’ve got your back,” explains a teary-eyed Finn. It’s about damn time, You Lazy Stepbrother, YOU! Finn then breaks into yet another Bruno Mars hit. This one is the super sweet, “Just the Way You Are.”
Speaking of Finn, did I mention he loves Rachel too much to tell her he actually DID have sex with Santana, while the pair was on a break — even though doing so might make him more popular?
Oh yeah, that decision is going to TOTALLY end up biting him in the ass later . . .
Kurt abandons McKinley, heads to Hogwarts Dalton
Back at school, Kurt is about to receive some bad news from Principal Sue. As it turns out, the school board dismissed her decision to expel Karofsky. (She has resigned in protest. Welcome back, Principal Figgins.)
“Come on! Don’t act surprised! You guys knew it was only a matter of time . . . I’m still on contract with Glee for 8 more episodes!”
But with Karofsky still at the school, ready to terrorize Kurt at a moments notice , Kurt no longer feels safe at McKinley. And so, conveniently, just in time for next week’s Sectionals Extravaganza. Kurt’s Pa and Step Ma use all their “Honeymoon Money” That must have been one HUGE HONEYMOON they were planning, because private schools are FRIGGIN EXPENSIVE to transfer Kurt to a school, where there is a No Tolerance Against Bullying Policy — a school where boys don’t use their fist; they proudly sing, prance, and play with wands . . . Hogwarts School of Wizardry Dalton Academy!
Killing Voldemort, one show tune at a time . . .
(Note: Kurt STILL hasn’t outed Karofsky for kissing him, which he REALLY SHOULD, especially since he isn’t planning on returning to the school. It would serve that closeted Asshat RIGHT!)
You know what this means, don’t you? Kurt is going to be a Dalton Academy WARBLER! And the Warbler’s are AGAINST New Directions at sectionals!
Be afraid, fellow Gleeks! Be VERY AFRAID!
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