Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the whole concept of “tough love,” or “brutal honesty.” I’ve always kind of viewed it as an excuse for your friends and loved ones to say obnoxious and hurtful things to you, under the guise of “caring” and “concern.”
Call me crazy. But when I’m feeling blue, I’d much prefer my friends to lie to me about how awesome I am, and how great everything is going to turn out, even if I know, deep down, that they are just blowing smoke up my ass.
Given my opinion on this subject, I found myself 100% relating to Rachel’s frustration with Finn’s idea of “giving her space” . . .
. . . and her annoyance with Cassie July’s notion of “student motivation” . . .
I also wasn’t necessarily on board with Sue Sylvester’s “brilliant” idea to kick Brittany off the Cheerios squad for failing ONE test during her second senior year, considering that Girlfriend has most likely failed EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY TEST she has ever taken since kindergarten . . .
You would think (given her own family history) that if anyone should understand that Brittany’s learning problems go way beyond laziness, and a much-too-tight high ponytail constricting blood flow to her brain, it would be Sue Sylvester.
But . . . as it turns out . . . not-so-much . . .
And yet, Brittany and Rachel aren’t the characters I’m most concerned about right now on Glee. You know who’s worrying me most? THIS GUY . . .
What’s going on with you, Lord Tubbington? Suddenly, you’re self-medicating?
In true Glee fashion, Unique and Tina use a song to gently break the news to new girl, Marley, that new boy, Jake, is probably “just not that into her,” because he’s already been inside everyone else, if you catch my drift . . .
Musically, the number wasn’t one of my favorites. However, I did enjoy the choreography, and the way Jake’s Army of Scorned Females grew throughout the song, until the triumphant finale, in which they filled an ENTIRE GYM! Now, that’s impressive! Be honest, Puck . . . you’re just a little bit proud of your baby bro for that one . . .
Speaking of Puck, guess who flew all the way in from LA, just to have a two-minute conversation with his baby long lost brother? (Guess his Pool Cleaning Business has a Frequent Flyer Program?) In what was probably the most random scene in the entire episode, the Sexy Mohawk-wearing Man convinced his Mini-Me to join Glee club, simply by revealing that he (Puck) had engaged in his first threesome at the ripe old age of seven . . . wait . . . WHAT?
Yeah, it didn’t make any sense at all, and . . . to be honest . . . was a bit disturbing. But hey, the guy still looks gooood . . .
You can clean MY pool anytime, Puckerman . . .
Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, how about a gay man singing this to a lesbian . . .
I know . . . I know . . . Brittany is technically bisexual. But still, it was a little weird. And yet, not quite as weird as a SUPER religious Christian guy singing about “threesomes” and “living in sin,” without adding the words “will get you a first class ticket to HELL,” to the end of the song.
One of viewers’ main complaints about the first Britney tribute episode, was that each of the songs featured was little more than a color-by-numbers cover performance . . . the sound, the costumes, the dance moves . . . each performance came off like a less vibrant copy of the original Britney Spears music video on which it was based. This time around, Glee seemed to take that criticism to heart, gamely reinterpreting Britney’s iconic (and some less-than-iconic) songs through mash-ups, different interpretations of the lyrics, and, in this case . . . actually going acoustic.
I don’t know about you guys, but I actually like this version of “3” better than the original . . .
Since we are on the subject of sex, it seems a certain dance teacher doesn’t think Rachel is sexy enough to dance the tango . . .
Uh oh Finn! It looks like someone might want to reconsider that whole “space” thing, if HE doesn’t want to end up being permanently replaced . . . both on that stupid painted-over apartment wall (Seriously? Who does that?) and in Rachel’s heart . . .
BAD KITTY! You’ve gone and made this storyline even more of a cliche! No toy mice for you!
Why don’t you go join Lord Tubbington’s gang, and leave Jarley alone?
But wait! Isn’t this episode supposed to be about Brittany?
You’re right! I almost forgot! So many subplots, so little time . . .
Anywhoo . . . when we last left Brittany, she had just been kicked off the Cheerios, leaving her not only without a high ponytail, but also without any clothing. (You know . . . since all cheerleaders have only one item of clothing their closet . . . their uniform . . . which they wear to school every day . . . and, sometimes, even on weekends.)
Fortunately for Brit-Brit, someone’s fat grandma likes to hang out at McKinley High, where she, occasionally performs strip teases for fun. This stroke of luck allowed Brittany access to this super fashionable t-shirt, which she plucked out of the Lost and Found . . .
Also in the Lost and Found? A razor . . .
. . . and a rather large green umbrella . . . perfect for beating the crap out of one Jacob Ben Israel in the hallway, and NOT getting suspended for it . . . you know . . . like Santana did, for lightly tapping Golden Boy Finn on the face for OUTING HER TO THE ENTIRE TOWN, last season
Deserves a hug . . .
Interestingly enough, none of these actions . . . not wearing Fat Grandma Clothes . . . nor carrying deadly weapons to school . . . nor brutally beating her classmates with rain gear . . . were considered loud enough cries of help from Brittany to get the attention she so direly deserved.
Don’t worry, Brit-Brit! Sam understands your pain. He doesn’t know how to spell either . . .
Together you two beautifully unintellectual people will stage a Britney Spears-inspired comeback like the world has never known . . . one President Mistaken for an Oscar-Award Winning Actress at a time . . .
Worry not, my fellow Gleeks! Spearsylvania shall be SAVED!
It’s a fact of life faced by every television show that centers around a high-school aged cast of characters.
I mean, sure, you can make time stand still for a little while . . . waving that magic TV Land Wand that converts three years into one REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LONG YEAR. You could never show a summer vacation . . . put that “Prom Episode” off indefinitely . . . cover up your perpetually 17-year old male character’s increasingly receding hairline, by giving him a sudden fondness for hats. But, just like death and taxes, it’s inevitable . . . EVERYBODY GRADUATES . . .
So, what’s a show to do?
Well, as a television producer, you have three options really. Option 1: You bow out gracefully . . . end on a high note, with your cast of characters triumphantly tossing their graduation caps into the air . . . play a mildly wistful Top 40 tune about memories, as you quickly run through a montage of some of your show’s best moments . . . then fade to black as your television show shuffles off to that increasingly populated High School TV Graveyard in the sky . . .
Option 2: You attempt to tackle the Dreaded College Years . . . the ones that . . . let’s be honest . . . for most of us, were about TEN TIMES BETTER than high school, in real life, but, for whatever reason, never seem to translate all that well on the small screen. You try to explain away haphazardly, the reasons why your school valedictorian is attending the same four-year university as the Kid Who Almost Flunked his Junior Year, because he still quite hasn’t managed to master the art of “reading,” and the One Who Spent a Good Portion of his Senior Year in jail . . .
Well, OF COURSE, he’d go to the same college as certified genius, Veronica Mars!
You introduce a few new characters . . . but not too many . . . because everyone knows that nobody ever really likes the “New Characters” in shows about “The College Years,” anyway. And besides, in TV Land, everyone is always meant to live happily ever after with their High School Sweetheart . . . right?
Option 3: You go the “Next Generation” route. You give a couple of your most popular characters, long lost little sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, and nephews they never knew they had. You bring in an almost entirely new troop of actors . . . ones who could actually still pass for 16, even if you aren’t filming them from across a really, really long hallway. You basically create an entirely new series . . . except it’s not actually a new series, because each of the supposedly New Characters seems almost eerily similar to one of the Old Characters, who just graduated.
Unless, you’re Glee . . . in which case, you will proudly choose Option 4 . . . All of the Above . . .
That’s right, Gleeks. In a move that will either end up being touted as ingenious, or derailed as ridiculous, the Glee writers have (1) ended their third season, in a way that could have easily been construed as a series finale; (2) created a College Years Show-with-in-a-Show for it’s lead ingenue, and a few of her most popular pals; and (3) returned to McKinley High to tackle the “Next Generation” of New Directions . . . complete with a Long Lost Brother from Another Mother . . .
I’ll be honest, when I first read that this was Ryan Murphy’s vision for Glee‘s future, I thought the idea was, at best, overly ambitious, and, at worst, just plain awful. So, color me surprised, when I watched the season premiere and found myself enjoying it more than I’ve enjoyed an episode of Glee in quite some time.
By now, if you’re like me, you’ve probably already read about 25 recaps of “The New Rachel.” So, I’m not going to bore you with another one. Let’s just “The Good, The Bad, the U-GLEE” it, shall we?
The Good . . .
Cassandra, Jake, Marley, Brody . . .’s abs . . .
OMG! I like most of the new characters on Glee . . . like really them . . . I may even like them better than some of the old characters on Glee . . . though, I’m not going to mention any names . . .
In a world where teachers tend to be cartoonish . . .
. . . ineffectual . . .
. . . or downright irksome . . .
I like that Cassandra July is a brand of teacher we haven’t seen on this show before . . . BITTER, EDGY, and KIND OF HOT, in a bitter . . . edgy, Lindsay Lohan Trainwreck, kind of way . . .
Here’s the thing . . . I’ve never really been a huge fan of Kate Hudson’s. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think she’s a fine actress, and that she has really enviable bone structure. I just always had trouble buying her as the Lead in a Romantic Comedy, Who Everyone is Supposed to Hope and Pray Gets the Guy in the End. I don’t why . . . I think it has something to do with the fact that underneath those
“charming smiles,” and “witty one-liners,” she always seems SO MEAN . . .
In my eyes, this is the role Kate Hudson was always meant to play. And I just, hands down, loved her in it . . .Plus, I mean, who hasn’t wanted to pull the prissy, self-entitled, Rachel Berry down a peg or two, at least once or twice, throughout the course of this series?
I mean, sure, she doesn’t quite have Rachel Berry’s pipes, and that ridiculous cap she was wearing throughout the episode was like something straight out of a Dickens’ novel. And yet, in a world, where every single character is LOUD, BIG, and OVER THE TOP, Marley has something truly special that you just don’t see anymore on this show . . . understated charm . . .
Puck’s Long Lost Brother? The “Chip on His Shoulder?” He “throws tantrums” . . . turns down help from the Teacher Man? I mean, why not just paint a sign on his back that says, “I will be filling the role of Bad Boy with the Heart of Gold, thank you very much.”
In addition to THESE new characters, I’m also enjoying Rachel’s and Kurt’s new journey. For a show that’s often touted as being painfully unrealistic, I thought Rachel Berry’s homesickness, loneliness, and new-found fear of failure, coupled with the need to pretend with her old friends and family that everything was “cool,” touchingly real.
I mean, who didn’t feel precisely like this, their first few weeks away at college?
And while Kurt’s “Glory Days,” storyline, definitely had a bit of a “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt” kind of quality, who out there didn’t get teary, when Burt Hummel told his son that he could always come back home from New York, but that he knew he wouldn’t?
I found the “Chasing Pavements” cover kind of forgettable. And though I loved Darren Criss’ interpretation of Imagine Dragon’s “It’s Time,” the musical number itself was something we’ve seen about a million times before, on Glee . . .
Conversely, while I adored “Unique’s” performance of “Boogie Shoes,” last season, I’m still not quite sold on the character of Wade / Unique, who kind of reminds me of Every Bad Drag Queen Impersonation I’ve Seen in Every Movie Ever . . .
I think I liked her better, when her name was Regina George, or, better yet . . . Santana Lopez . . .
And though I do love me some Brody abdominal action, the character himself seemed a bit milque-toasty, and too-good-to-be-true for me, which kind of makes me hope Ryan Murphy surprises me, by giving the character a sleazy underbelly . . . but I’m suspecting he won’t . . .
They used to at least look like slushees, back in Season 1 . . .
And while we are on the subject of icky, if I have to spend an entire season listening to Sue Sylvester make Baby Poop, and Menopausal Mommy jokes, I think I’m going to hurl. I don’t care how cute that baby is . . . CRAP IS CRAP!
All-in-all . . . though? I think New Glee got itself off to a great start. Intriguing characters . . . interesting storylines . . . newly shippable couples . . . and have I mentioned Brody’s abs?
Greetings Couch Potatoes! It’s been quite a week in TV Land. Planes exploded . . . teens overdosed, graduated, flunked out, and enlisted in the army. There were breakups, hookups, divorces, surprise pregnancies, conspiracies, embarrassing sexual encounters, blatant check fraud, and fake deaths. Someone even joined the Hari Krishna!
So, sit back, relax, and let’s relive all the WTF . . .
Game of Thrones – “The Prince of Winterfell”
So, it turns out that, contrary to popular belief, Theon Greyjoy didn’t actually kill those two Stark boys, burn up their bodies, and hang them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell. Instead, he killed two random farmer boys, burned their bodies, and hung them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell . . . which I guess is a relief . . . unless you happen to be those two farmers boys . . .
In other mistaken identity news, Cersei did not, in fact have Tyrion’s Whore beaten, like she claimed she did. Instead, she had some OTHER whore beaten, who Tyrion had to PRETEND was his whore, to protect his real whore. Am I sensing a pattern here?
Oh hey, it’s the Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth comedy hour!
Needless to say in the romantic comedy version of this story, Brienne and Jamie would tip over their canoe in a sexually tense fight, and would subsequently have to “get out of their wet clothes.” Then, they would fight some more, finally ending a passionate kiss, only to have some medieval object get in the way . . . like a metal face mask . . . or an inconveniently placed sword . . . Ouch.
In other news, please, for the love of all that is holy, GIVE THIS WOMAN BACK HER DRAGONS!
Mad Men – “Christmas Waltz”
So, um . . . remember This Guy . . .
Well, he’s baaack . . . except . . . well . . . I’ll let you see for yourself . . .
See, folks, this is what happens to you, when you’re dumped by Don Draper. You either put on a ton of weight . . .
. . . or you start working at the A&P, join the Hari Krishna movement, and pen bad Star Trek spec scripts with titles like “The Negron Complex.” That hair though . . . it reminds me of someone . . .
See, all this time, I’ve been dating Puck from Glee, I never knew he was a Hari Krishna. You think you know a guy . . .
Meanwhile, Lane Pryce is in deep doo-doo, because he started forging company check’s to pay off his Mother Country tax debt . . .
But hey, Don Draper isn’t really Don Draper, right? So, I guess if you’re going to forge someone’s name on a check, his is probably your best bet. After all, he forges his name all the time. Anyway, Lane . . . you’re probably going to end up in jail . . . or deported . . . or you just might off yourself by the season’s end. But hey, it could be worse. You could be wearing this shirt . . .
In other news, Don and Megan went to a play. Apparently, it was supposed to be about the horrors of advertising. But to me it just looked like an extended public service announcement about why we should bring naptime back to the workplace . . .
Speaking of Megan . . . Don, the next time you plan on going out joyriding an getting wasted with Joan after work, you should strongly consider calling your wife, and letting her know you are going to be late . . . unless, of course, you enjoy eating spaghetti off your dining room wall . . .
This, of course, brings me to my absolute favorite part of this episode . . . Don and Joan . . . Joan and Don. This mostly platonic (but highly sexually charged) pairing is filled with so much awesomeness that no elevator, bar, or backseat of a newly purchased Jaguar could possibly contain it.
And, perhaps, the most shocking thing of all? They haven’t slept together . . . yet.
Girls – “The Return”
Those of you who watch “Girls” know that it is not at all uncommon for the main character, Hannah Horvath to do, say, or experience something that makes you want to go hide under your bed in cringeworthy embarrassment on her behalf.
But regardless of how you might personally feel about Hannah, your heart really had to go out to her in this week’s episode. I mean, no one should have to help her late-middle aged father off the bathroom floor, while he’s suffering from a sex injury, after an unfortunate incident involving doggy style in the shower with mom. NO ONE!
Nineties kids and teens alike really got a kick out of this week’s Glee finale, which bid its senior class adieu by covering moderately oldies but still goodies, like the New Radicals “Get What You Give,” and “I’ll Remember,” which I mistakenly thought was “That Madonna Song from A League of Her Own” but my friend informed me was actually “That Madonna Song from With Honors.”
If watching Burt Hummel dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on his son’s behalf doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul. I’m sorry. There’s just no nice way of saying it . . .
In less happy news, here’s a little tip my old wise ass has for those of you folks who are currently eagerly awaiting your college acceptance letters. DO NOT . . . I repeat . . . DO NOT decide to open your letters with your friends because you think it will be a “bonding experience.”
You know what’s not a “bonding experience?” Anything that entails your getting heart ripped out of your chest, while having to pretend that you’re actually happy for your friend who got into the school you didn’t, while your lifelong dreams were squashed . . . like a bug lying on a football field during game time.
And yet, while it was certainly shocking that Whoopi Goldberg let Rachel “I choked” Berry into NYATA, but not Kurt (I mean, let’s face it, no one was really all that surprised about Finn getting dumped from The Actor’s Studio, right?), that was actually not the most jaw-dropping moment of the episode. That moment actually came much later, when Finn did the classic 8:53 p.m fake out, and decided to . . . um . . . White Fang his high school sweetheart, Rachel. (Those of you who watch New Girl know exactly what I’m talking about.)
That’s right. Finn Hudson didn’t marry Rachel Berry. And he didn’t let her postpone her acceptance to NYATA to spend another year with Finn in Lima. Instead, he broke up with her in the car on the way to their “wedding,” shoved her on a train, while she blubbered like a baby, and announced he was enlisting in the army . . . all in under five minutes . . .
Now, if you’ve ever read my Gleecaps before back when I actually used to write Gleecaps you probably know that I’ve never exactly been the biggest Finchel fan. And yet, I found this whole scene surprisingly emotional, due in a large part to Lea Michele just really knocking the scene out of the park.
So, remember that friend of mine? The one who corrected me about the film source of that Madonna cover? Well, this scene actually prompted a rather heated discussion between us. I mean sure, we started off simply enough, by discussing whether Finn Hudson was built for a career in armed services, and whether we thought Cory Monteith would look hot in a buzz cut . . .
But eventually we got around to talking about the nature of Finn’s sacrifice. Personally, I thought it was probably the most noble thing the character has done in his entire time on the show. In fact, watching this scene was the first time I really believed Finchel might actually make it in the long haul. Because let’s face it, had Finn let Rachel defer her dreams on his behalf, the mutual resentments that would inevitably fester between them would have inevitably eaten their relationship alive. Now, Rachel can sow her wild oats for a little while with some hipster types, Finn can finally get a haircut that fits his face, and eventually, they both can live happily ever after . . . EVERYBODY WINS!
My friend, on the other hand, thought Finn was a TOTAL ASS for surprise dumping Rachel in a car, and subsequently inviting all her friends and her TEACHER (?) to the train station to see her snot and cry.
To each his own, I guess . . .
And finally . . .
Revenge – “Reckoning”
Now, here is a show that’s known for its twists, turns, and that adorable bionic dog that didn’t age for 20 plus years. (R.I.P. Sammy!)
So, when it came time for the finale, we expected drama. We expected to see Nolan fighting for his life, and Emily rushing to rescue her only true ally . . .
Most of us probably even expected that Emily would face off against the EEEEEVVVIL White Haired Man . . . but probably wouldn’t actually kill him . . . because it’s only the show’s first season . . .
. . . Emily subsequently opening her heart to Barman Jack, only to find out that her alter ego, Faux-Manda Clark, is back in town and totally pretending to be pregnant with his child . . .
And then came the last five minutes of the episode, which packed into them no less than THREE potential deaths, one awakening from the dead (Emily’s mom), a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, and possibly the best use of Florence and the Machines song “Seven Devils” of all time!
Now, personally, I don’t really think either Victoria or Charlotte Grayson actually went into that big ole Hamptons Mansion in the sky. (Lydia’s probably a goner. I mean, seriously, how many times do they have to almost-kill this woman, before she finally stays dead?) But I still have to give the writers props for “going there,” and for crafting what was possibly the best five minutes of television I’ve seen all year. And as for Season 2, all I’ve gotta say is this . . .
So, there you have it, my Week in TV WTF. What were YOU watching?
[Don’t worry, Fangbangers! Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April 20th. I promise to make it worth the wait. And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]
There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME. So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .
well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).
This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .
. . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds. OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds. But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time. Can you?
In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench. And dump her fast. Trust me on this one, little guy. I’m only looking out for you . . .
Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”
This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based. Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.
(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)
Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie. She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . . It makes her look like Macauley Culkin . . .
Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .
Mad Men – “Signal 30”
This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .
He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done. Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER. And a jacket? Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .
. . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .
And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices. It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.
Pete had quite the busy week this week. For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky. Dammit! Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?
Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)
“Tastes like my dignity . . . “
Helpful hint, Pete. If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal. You know what else isn’t classy? Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .
Confused? See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones. (He was Joffrey.)
This may have seemed like good fun at the time. But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs. Oops!
This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place. A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides. And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.
In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.
Let that be a lesson to you, folks. Never mess with those Nerdy British types. Not only are they surprisingly scrappy. But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog. (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)
While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .
“Don’t look at me, Don. I’m HIDEOUS!”
. . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan. “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are. And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively. Lane responded by doing this . . .
Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.
Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL. But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest. Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .
Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor. “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.
I could think of a few . . . .
In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job. (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication. I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)
Sexy legs too . . .
You keep writing, Ken! Don’t let The Man get you down!
Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man
Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .
Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”
This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG . . . but then he wasn’t. Sorry, Lola! The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell. After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .
Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total wash, however. She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.
Poor Chuck! Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?
Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .
Ah . . . bromance
Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson. Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept. “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.
“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped. (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)
Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .
In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.” (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.) To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party. Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway. But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .
You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.
Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”
The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately. And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love. This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .
Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time. I mean, just look at how talented this cat is! And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .
Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions. And when you think about it, Brittany’s right. Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days. Just ask the Kardashians . . .
I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too. After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .
It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.” And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana. Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.” Speaking of children . . .
Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline. We’ve all seen it about a million times before. And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.
But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom. Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah. But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.
Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing). Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons. For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”
Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are. (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)
But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together, outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes, and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.
[ Gossip Girl’s “G.G.” and PLL’s “A Kiss Before Lying” recaps are both on their way! I wanted to take a little extra time with these. Gossip Girl just celebrated it’s 100th episode, after all. (That just doesn’t happen every day!) Check back for both recaps within the next 24 hours . . .]
Greetings TV fans! One of my absolute favorite new TV Trends is the Episode Sneak Peek, i.e. the Web Clip. More and more lately, networks are releasing key scenes from their upcoming television episodes, a week early, in hopes of generating buzz about their shows, and, possibly, increasing ratings.
The way I see it, this is a win-win situation for both the network and spoiler-loving TV viewers like myself. From the network’s perspective, it gives the corporate suits the opportunity to control which spoilers are leaked about their upcoming episode, while still giving impatient fans something to chew on, while they wait for the actual episode to air.
From the fan’s perspective, we sort of get to feel like we’re “cheating” the system, by getting the early scoop on select parts of upcoming episodes that only the most spoiler savvy of viewers get to see . . .
“Beating the system . . . one YouTube video at a time . . .”
This week, was particuarly exciting for me, because I managed to find webclips for nearly EVERY show I watch! And these aren’t just throwaway scenes, either! Some of the sneak peeks I found offer up some genuine hints as to what these shows’ upcoming episodes have in store for us.
From a torrid fairytale affair . . . to a royal wedding that positively NO ONE wants to happen . . . to a heart-wrenching betrayal . . . to a Michael Jackson-inspired sing-off . . . to an out-and-out war between two sets of vampire brothers, something tells me that this week’s television fare is going to be setting the internet a-blaze with heated discussions for weeks to come . . .
So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, This Week’s Collection of Spoilery Sneak Peaks . . .
Once Upon a Time
“I see youuuuu!”
Episode 11 – Fruit from the Poisonous Tree
Airs: Sunday, January, 28th, 8.p.m. EST on ABC
Though I was initially drawn to this fairytale fantasy, due to it’s uniquely original concept, and wealthy of unabashedly nerdy literary nods . . . the complex, and suprisingly dark, love story between Snow White, Prince Charming, and their respective Storybrook counterparts, is one of the main reasons I keep returning, after week.
How much of a role should amorphous concepts like fate, instinct, and chemistry play in one’s pursuit of happiness? Is it acceptable in life to hurt and betray others, in the name of True Love? These intriguing questions are central to Once Upon a Time, in general, and Mary Margaret’s (i.e. Snow White’s) and David’s (i.e. Prince Charming’s) story, specifically.
In this first webclip from the upcoming episode, David and Mary Margaret sneak off for a romantic forest picnic, of which their fairytale counterparts — who memorably met one another in, more or less, these same woods — would most definitely approve. And yet the happiness of this romantic reunion is shadowed by the fact that David is married to another woman, one who has been doing everything in her power to make their ailing marriage work . . .
What’s so interesting about this couple is how many complex emotions they bring about in the viewer’s subconscious. On one hand, everybody knows that Prince Charming and Snow White belong together. This is something we’ve taken for granted, since we were kids. No one else will ever be quite as right for these two individuals, as they are for one another . . .
And yet, as far Mary Margaret and David are concerned, their life is not a fairytale. They aren’t princes and princesses, but, rather, real people, with real responsibilities . . both of whom (while, generally, still loveable) have some genuine character flaws. And this raises a difficult question: Does the fact that, in alternate universe, these two individuals lived Happily Ever After, justify what they are doing in this universe?
I guess that’s really up to the viewer to decide . . .
Our second webclip introduces us to the plot that I suspect will take up the bulk of the episode. We know him as Sidney Glass, once-editor of The Mirror (Storybrooke’s local paper), and, up until this point, one of the malevolent Mayor’s strongest allies.
But in Fairytale land, he was the Evil Queen’s Magic Mirror. And judging by the below scene, in both worlds, his tendency to portray the world exactly as he sees it, might end up leaving him shattered . . .
Anytime Once Upon a Time focuses an entire hour on one of its minor characters, it takes a risk of alienating fans who are watching the show, more or less, just for it’s leads (i.e. Emma, Mary Margaret, David, and the Mayor). Some minor character episodes have been highly successful, at least in my humble opinion. In fact “The Price of Gold” (which featured Cinderella’s story), and “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” (which featured the now-dearly departed Sheriff Graham / The Hunter) were actually among my favorites of the entire series. And yet, other minor character episodes, like “That Still Small Voice” (about Shrink Archie Hopper, i.e. Jiminey Cricket), and “True North” (about Nicholas and Eva, i.e. Hansel and Gretel) felt a bit flat to me.
Having always been a sucker for characters who don’t always necessarily walk on the “straight and narrow,” but who, deep down, have a good heart, I found myself intrigued by Sidney Glass, ever since we met the character, early on in the series. Even though he’s definitely a minor character, I think his story has a lot of potential, particularly, if it’s written in a way that illustrates him as a darkly complex character and morally ambiguous, as opposed to just another schlub the Wicked Mayor managed to buy off . . .
Oh, and The Stranger . . . he’s TOTALLY one of the Brothers’ Grimm, looking to rewrite fairytale history. It’s SO obvious!
Episode 100, “GG”
Airs: Monday, Janury 30th at 9 pm. EST on the CW
As hit or miss as Gossip Girl has been lately, there was a time, not too long ago, when it was one of the best things on television. The clothes were eviably hipper than most of us could afford. The couplings and sexcapades were WHITE hot . . .
The plot lines ranged from laugh-out-loud funny to jaw-droppingly, OMFG, scandalous. And there were enough snappy, snarky quotable lines in each self-contained hour to . . . for lack of a better phrase . . . fill a book . . .
It’s for this reason that I am SOOOO incredibly excited about this episode’s 100th episode extravaganza. If the rumors are true, this hour of television will be jam-packed with homages to GG’s raunchiest moments, eye-popping blot twists, and most deliciously evil schemes and insults.
In short, it will be like Season 1, all over again. And I, for one, can’t wait to celebrate the show that taught me, once and for all, that “tights are NOT pants!”
Of course, there’s that little unavoidable matter of Blair’s sham of a wedding to that cyborg Price of Dull, Louis-bot . . .
Ahhh . . . Chuck Bass . . . the only man who can cross his legs, and still look masculine doing it. And that voice . . . I could listen to that voice reading a Depends commercial, and still get turned on.
Don’t worry, Chuck. Blair CANNOT go through this wedding . . . It would be positively un-holy for her to do so . . .
That said, you may want to get that adorably toned little butt of yours, over to the church, stat! Because it looks like she’s actually made her way down the aisle, without angry GG fans tackling her, in protest . . .
Pretty Little Liars
Episode 18 – “A Kiss Before Lying”
Airs: Monday, January 30th, 8.p.m. on ABC Family
When you are being stalked by the mysterious “A,” who literally knows your every move, and can ruin your life for the slightest infraction, lying is pretty much part of your “job description.”
Throughout two seasons, we’ve seen the Rosewood foursome lie to practically everybody they know about something . . . their parents, their significant others, their siblings, even the police. But when it’s revealed that one of the girls might be starting to crack under the pressure, and her boyfriend just might have the key to bringing down “A,” once and for all, the Pretty Little Liars find themselves in the unique predicament of actually having to lie to eachother . . .
Honestly, as far as webclips go, these were kind of disappointing. After all, we already knew coming in to this episode, that the rest of the PLL girls were working with Caleb to continue hacking into A’s cell phone, and that they had all controversially decided to leave Hanna out of it.
That said, the show’s Season Finale is not too far away. And with it will come the much-awaited reveal of “A’s” identity . . . Now, that we know this story actually has an endgame, the probability that the writers will drop important clues into upcoming episodes, like this one, is increasingly high . . . .
Episode 11 – “Wanna Be Startin Somethin'”
Airs: Tuesday, January 31st at 8 p.m., EST on Fox
After last week’s Yes/No episode, Gleeks were talking more about whether or not Rachel would accept Finn’s proposal of marriage, and less about the musical performances that dominated the hour.
I suspect that for this week’s episode, which will feature a homage to the works of the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson, the opposite will be true . . .
Truth be told, in the past Glee’s artist-centric episodes haven’t been among their best received. Both the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes were harshly panned by the critics. And, for me, Glee’s Fleetwood Mac-inspired “Rumors” stands out as one of the worst episodes in Glee history. Only the Lady Gaga-inspired episodes, “Theatricality” and “Born this Way,” seemed to manage to stay above the fray . . .
Well . . . almost . . .
All negativity aside, I actually think “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'” has the opportunity to become a Glee classic. For one thing, Michael Jackson’s soleful and diverse catalogue of music . . . combined with his flare for flamboyant costumes, and seamlessly choreographed numbers . . . seems to dovetail really well with the things that Glee does best.
Plus, whereas the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes’ so-called plotlines were eye-roll inducing in their ridiculousness. (Laughing gas induced fantasy sequences? Seriously?), the reason why all these Glee-kids are suddenly all hopped up on MJ, despite having been infants through most of his heyday actually makes sense . . .
And it’s all explained, quite succinctly, here . . .
How I adore this clip, let me count the ways . . . For one thing, I’m thrilled to see New Directions actually THINKING about their Regionals set list, ahead of time, for a change, as opposed to . . . oh, I don’t know, coming up with it five minutes before the episode actually airs?
I was also a big fan of Artie actually admitting that he was just a year old, when Michael Jackson moonwalked. (In truth, he was actually not even born yet, but I digress.) So, many times, I’ve wondered how the Glee kids’ music taste often vastly pre-dated my own (see Fleetwood Mac episode). In this case, at least the writers are inserting some recognition of that disconnect.
And I hate to say it, but I’m REALLY digging Sebastian as Glee‘s new super villain. After all, Sue Sylvester can only try to bring down Glee club so many times. And not since Jesse St. James stint with Vocal Adrenaline has the New Directions really had a worthy adversary, who wasn’t afraid to “fight dirty” to win the competition.
Speaking of worthy adversaries, there’s something incredibly enjoyable about watching Sebastian go to head-to-head with Santana. They say “Greed is Good.” But I say “Mean is Better.”
And these two have that down, in spades. Plus, dare I say it, for two gay characters, these two have an astounding amount of sexual chemistry. Don’t believe me? Check out this musical sing-off to MJ’s iconic “Smooth Criminal” . . .
(By the way, did anybody else find the cello players oddly constipated looking facial expressions during the number a bit disturbing?)
And, of course, no Glee artist-centric episode would be complete without an ensemble number in which every cast member dresses up in one of the artist-in-question’s most memorable outfits . . .
(I think Blaine is supposed to be Michael Jackson from the beginning of the Thriller video. Am I wrong?)
The Vampire Diaries
Episode 312 “Bringing Out the Dead”
Airs: Thursday, February 2nd, 8 p.m. EST on the CW
TVD webclips are notoriously heavy on Damon snark and Eye Thing, while frustratingly light on actual plot points . . .
I suspect this has to do with head writer Julie Plec being a bit of a spoilerphobe. But with good reason! After all, apart from the immensely attractive cast, and interminable shipper wars, it’s really this show’s game-changing plot twists that keep us tuning in, week after week.
This week’s webclip features a shirtless Stefan (Haven’t seen that one, in a while!) . . .
. . . and a rather smug “I kissed Elena, and you can’t take that away from me” Damon . . .
. . . doing what they do best, bickering and scheming . . .
Just to be clear, Damon and Stefan were TOTALLY eye-f*&king in this scene, weren’t they? Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who noticed that . . .
One of the things TVD does best . . . apart from it’s unimaginably erotic and unbelievably addictive love triangles, of course . . . is it’s parallels and role reversals. Last season, Elena un-daggered Elijah, in hopes of finding a way to eliminate Klaus as a threat, without hurting the people she loved.
Stefan dutifully went along with her plan. While Damon was angrily outspoken about his mistrust for the Original Vampire (with good reason, as it turns out), and ended up taking matters into his own hands, in a way that neither Elena nor Stefan approved . . .
Now, less than a year later, Damon is the one who has un-daggered Elijah . . . (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)
. . . and is now looking to him for a possible alliance. And Stefan is the mistrustful one, who’d prefer to take matters into his own hands . . .
But, of course, the parallels don’t end there. There’s also the little matter of Damon locking lips with the girl Stefan always presumed was his own . . . despite the fact that his recent behavior has made a reunion between the two former lovebirds nearly impossible.
And though, on the surface, these two brothers are fighting about vampire wars, and the efficacy of “old-fashioned” sitdowns, just beneath that surface lies a slow burn of love for the same woman, and with it, decades of jealousy, betrayal, and heartbreak . . .
That’s a whole lot of angst and complexity for one minute and 21 seconds, isn’t it? You can imagine then, how intense the rest of the hour will be . . .
And there you have it, an entire week’s worth of juicy television, condensed down into a few short webclips. I know I’ll definitely be tuning in . . . Will you?
Fortunately, our clever Gleeks have a plan: Let’s go kidnap Trouty Mouth from Kentucky!
“Let me guess . . . you want me to eat the competition?’
I loved the sort of Meta-aspect of the Glee kids deciding that they needed Sam back as their “secret weapon” to win Sectionals, just as the Glee producers decided they needed Sam back, because he’s one of the few characters left that on the show that isn’t playing a graduating senior . . .
He also has great abs . . .
Finn and Rachel take a little road trip down to the place where Sam works, in order to do the recruiting, themselves. (Of course, I’m not quite sure how they figured out where he worked, considering Sam hasn’t told his parents, and, therefore, probably wouldn’t post that information on Facebook, out of fear of getting caught. But I digress.) When Finn and Rachel arrive at the “restaurant,” they see that it’s filled with old ladies, each bearing wads of cash in their fists. Rachel immediately assumes that Sam works at “dinner theater.” Clearly, Rachel didn’t watch the promo for this week’s episode. And why not? We all know how much grannys love their dinner theater!
Ultimately, Rachel is right. Sam DOES perform dinner theater . . . more or less. It’s just that the “part” he happens to play in said “theater” is a private one is a stripper named White Chocolate (?), who wiggles his hips at grandmas, until they shove dollar bills down his pants . . .
Rachel asks Finn for a dollar, so that she can join the fun . . . thus proving that it’s not really cheating, as long as money is involved . . .
After getting a good solid glimpse of Sam’s . . . er . . . assets, Finn and Rachel follow him to his dressing room. There he explains that he needs the job to make ends meet. After all, it pays WAY better than the local Dairy Queen, where his parents think he’s working. Plus, the uniform is much less binding.
Rachel and Finn eventually tell Sam that he should come back to McKinley High, and, more importantly, New Directions. (He can stay at Kurt’s and Finn’s house . . . everybody else does!) Sam readily agrees, and takes the pair back home with him, so that he can give his parents the randomridiculousnonsensical fabulous news . . .
Sam’s parents are “The Dad from Smallville” and “Some Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize.”
Sam basically tells them that the reason he wants to go back to McKinley High, because he misses being a teenager. Also, he’s tired of having 70 year old ladies, and some men, tug on his jock strap, and try to throw quarters inside. Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize immediately starts to cry . . . not because she feels guilty about making Sam grow up poor . . . but because, when Sam’s in Ohio, she will miss his Trouty Mouth face . . . you know the one the “local Dairy Queen” always makes him cover with glitter . . .
Mere moments later, Sam is back at McKinley singing an uber appropriate song about alcoholism and underage drinking, called “Red Solo Cup.” (Originally sung by country songster, Toby Keith.)
The rest of the New Directions crew joins in, while pretending to get wasted on Sparkling Cider . . . except for Kurt, who’s always been more of a juice box and sippy cup, kind of guy . . .
You can catch the Ode to Cheap Keg Beer, here, as well as Santana’s Absolutely Brilliant Ode to Trouty Mouth, which follows immediately thereafter.
Girlfriend should seriously consider a career in stand-up . . .
By the way, was I the only one who thought Sam’s “Red Solo Cup” sounded suspiciously similar to Brittany’s “My Cup” song, from last season? (I guess Glee kids really like cups . . .)
Will Schuester, of course, sees nothing at all with his students singing songs about boozing at school. Everybody does it!
Once he’s gotten his friends all thoroughly fake-drunk on cider, Sam informs them that the only way this mostly male group can win Sectionals is basically by ‘shaking what their mama gave them.’ He then proceeds to teach them all his Sripper Moves. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me some White Chocolate Gyrations as much as the next girl. BUT . . .
We find Blaine in the gym, a few moments later, getting all hot and sweaty with one VERY LUCKY punching bag. Mommy like . . . A LOT!
*casually wipes drool from keyboard*
When Finn comes to visit, Blaine admits that he’s not just mad at Sam for trying to make the Glee club slutty, he’s also mad at Finn, for being a total asshat to him, ever since he transferred to McKinley . . .
ROAR! Angry, Hoodie-wearing, Blaine is the BOMB DIGGITY!
Finn basically agrees with Kurt about the whole “asshat” thing. But hey, he’s only been acting that way because he’s SUPER jealous of Blaine’s hot bod, and mad dancing skills! (Honestly can you blame him?)
This . . .
Versus this . . .
Ultimately, the two put aside their differences, and decide to work together to ensure that New Directions brings home a win at Sectionals. They seal their agreement with a kiss manly fist pound . . .
(Though, personally, I would have preferred a Gay High Five . . .)
Speaking of Blaine . . .
“You smell like Craigslist.”
Kurt has come face-to-face with his enemy. And that enemy has CW hair . . .
. . . and smells like Craigslist. (Hmm . . . what do you all think Craigslist smells like? I’m thinking dirty socks, with a hint of cheap cologne, intermingled with an old couch covered in cat hair. No offense to Craigslist, of course.)
Kurt is just minding his own business, and having a nice cup of coffee with his boyfriend, when in comes that lobster from The Little Mermaid, Sebastian.
Kudos to Grant Gustin, who’s mastered just the right balance of slimy, stalkerish, and decidedly evil, yet oddly charming and sexy, in his portrayal of Sebastian. I’m already loving to hate him. Sebastian claims he just “happened” to see Blaine getting coffee, and decided to stop by. But there’s something about the way he says it, that makes you think, “I’ve been sitting outside the coffee shop for hours, waiting for you to come.” *insert super villain laugh here*
Blaine must pick up on this. Because immediately becomes super uncomfortable, and escapes to the counter to pick up his Cup O’ Joe. With the mutual object of their affection out of the way, Kurt and Sebastian can drop all pretenses of being civil. This is when things start to get really fun, with Kurt pointedly telling Sebastian he doesn’t like him, and Sebastian returning the favor, by telling Kurt he has a serious case of “Gay Face.”
Something tells me these two are in for a serious, balls to the wall, hair pulling cat fight, in the upcoming weeks. It’s a good thing Blaine took those boxing lessons. After all, he’s probably going to be the one who ends up having to break it up . . .
“It’s not easy looking this good . . .”
Speaking of the always intriguing game of Love Roulette . . .
Sam and his Women . . .
Remember when Sam and Quinn were the BLONDEST COUPLE EVER . . .
Well, apparently, Quinn does too. And she wants another piece of that White Chocolate . . . in her pants! Unfortunately, Quinnipoo’s recent trip to Crazytown has rendered her temporarily incapable of successfully hitting on men. Instead, she tells Sam he should date her, because he’s “great with kids,” which means he’ll be really good with Beth, after she steals her away from her current mother.
Um, Quinn? I hate to break it to you, but, as far as pickup lines go, that one was about as sexy as syphillis . . .
Sam tries to let her down easy though, by telling her she has “rich white girl problems,” and that she should “hold on to sixteen, as long as [she] can,” like the couple from that song, Jack and Diane. (I smell an Episode Title!) Come to think of it, he didn’t let her down easy at all! That was super harsh . . .
Then again, I guess Tough Love is in order for this self-destructive diva. After all, if she doesn’t change her ways, she will most certainly end up like Charlize Theron’s character in that new movie, Young Adult . . .
I actually kind of see a resemblance . . .
. . . or worse, her character from that old movie, Monster.
However, having been out of town for quite some time, Sam doesn’t really know just how big of a bullet he dodged, by deciding NOT to start dating Quinn again. Instead, it seems the main reason, he rejected the popular blonde, was that he was much more interested in winning back his other ex, the sassy brunette . . .
Ahhh . . . Samcedes . . . the ship that almost was . . . This just so happened to be one of those storylines that was unceremoniously dumped, upon Chord Overstreet’s departure from the show, at the end of last season. However, Sam would have us believe that the sexy summer courtship these two shared was EPIC, with a capital “E.” Mercedes doesn’t seem quite as certain as Sam of their everlasting love . . .
However, she does seem fairly aroused by Sam’s shameless flirting, and no-holds-barred willingness to win her back, despite the fact that Mercedes’ current boyfriend looks like he eats monster trucks for breakfast . . .
“Nom-nom, that freshman tasted goooood.”
My advice to Sam? Wear a helmet . . .
In parental unit news . . .
“This is your path. You must follow it.”
Ahhh . . . Mike Chang . . . sweet, adorable, awesome, Mike Chang. Somehow you have gone from being That Random Dancing Dude to The Guy with the Great Abs . . .
. . . to one of my FAVORITE CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW . . .
On one hand, when you really think about it, Mike Chang’s storyline in “Hold on to Sixteen” was more or less a Cliff Notes’ reprise of his storyline in “Asian F.” I mean, think about it. You’ve got Mike getting pressure from his father to pursue a career in medicine, while his girlfriend convinces him to follow his dreams, and become a professional dancer. Then, ultimately, upon seeing Mike perform, his dad realizes just how talented his son is, realizes the error of his ways, and agrees to support him in his artistic endeavors.
However, thanks to some tremendous acting on the parts of Harry Shum, Jr., Jenna Ushkowitz, and Keong Sim, who plays Mike’s dad, this recycled storyline was somehow made to seem shiny and new, and even offered up enough heartwarming poignant moments to make me a little teary-eyed . . .
It all started when Mike admitted to his girlfriend that he was planning on applying to medical schools, as opposed to dancing schools, because he wanted his father back in his life. Finding this patently unacceptable, especially given the extent of Mike’s talent and passion for performing, Tina shows herself to have balls of steel, by visiting Mike’s father at his office, knowing full well that the latter does not approve of the pair’s romantic relationship . . .
At first, Mike’s dad seems annoyed at Tina for wasting his time, and has some pretty harsh things to say to her about her own chances at success in the performing world. Douchey Daddy even goes as far as to say that Tina’s parents are deluding her, by supporting her dreams, since she’s pretty much destined to fail. But Tina’s no dummy. She knows exactly how to get through to Mr. Chang. “You’re always talking about honor,” she tells him. “Help your son to honor his gift.”
“I also added in a hint of vampire compulsion.”
Though it’s Tina’s choice words that convince Douchey Daddy to get off his stubborn ass, and watch his son perform at Sectionals. It’s Mike’s talents that ultimately win over the doctor, making him ever-so-slightly less douchey than before . . .
“This is your path. You must follow it,” instructs Obi-wan-Chang, in a “wise man” voice, that would make even Yoda proud . . .
“Strong in you, the force is. Though douchey, you still sometimes are.”
Then we find out, that, even though Mike missed his dance school application deadlines, Tina applied on his behalf.
And they all lived “danc-ily ever after” . . .
Speaking of people who became slightly-less-evil for the sake of their children . . .
Quinn, we’d like to reintroduce you to your Soul. Soul . . . meet Quinn . . . again.
“Ummm . . . Quinn? Boardwalk Empire called. It wants that old ass hat back . . .
Thank the Lord of Dance for ending this RIDICULOUS BABY KNAPPING STORYLINE!!!!
This week, Quinn’s all ready to rat out Shelby for f*&king Puck. (Hey, that rhymes!) So, that the Troubletones can get disqualified from Sectionals, Shelby can be fired, and Quinn can have another shot at adopting back her spawn, Beth . . .
Rachel begs Quinn to reconsider, telling her that she knows what it’s like to do the wrong thing (i.e. fixing the class election), and it feels awful if you get caught. Well, Rachel, this might be true for YOU. But Quinn’s been doing the Wrong Thing for Two Seasons straight now, and it still hasn’t changed a thing.
But you still get an “A” for effort, Sweetie!
Though Rachel’s words plant the seeds of reform in Quinn’s mind, oddly enough, it’s Shelby that really sends her on the path toward redemption. “You may be young, and pretty now. But, one day, you are going to be a forty year old, who needs to have sex with 18 year olds who look 30 in order to feel better about yourself. So, you might as well enjoy being a teenager, while you still can,” says Shelby, more or less. (How’s that for a pep talk?)
This discussion ultimately “scares Quinn straight” so to speak. And she decides NOT to rat out Shelby for her temporary lapse into cougardom. She even gets to share her newfound wisdom with her fellow Gleeks. But, more on that later . . . It’s time for SECTIONALS!
Wherein the New Directions Get to Perform Eight Minutes Longer Than Everybody Else . . .
RACHEL: “But that’s not fair!”
KURT: “Shhhh . . . maybe no one will notice.”
It’s time for the main event. The Troubletones versus the New Directions versus . . . a whole bunch of other teams we never get to see, and don’t really care about (with the exception of one that we DO get to see, and STILL don’t care about). Before they head to the auditorium, The Troubletones “graciously” invite the members of New Directions to join them, if and when they win.
Finn finds the offer extremely rude even though, they ultimately end up making the SAME offer to the Troubletones, at the end of the episode. “No, we’re being nice,” corrected Santana. “It would be rude if I followed you around, and, everytime you took a step, I played a note on the tuba.”
Actually, that would be HILARIOUS . . . (Anyone got a tuba I could borrow?)
Aside from our McKinley based rivals, the only other group we get to hear during the Sectionals competition is the ridiculously named UNITARDS . . .
. . . who are led by, the uber obnoxious Harmony (a.k.a. that OTHER Glee Project winner), who we met, during the season premiere. They preform the song “Buenos Aires” from Evita. And it’s OK . . . I guess . . .
In case you are curious, you can watch the performance here:
The Unitards ultimately end up coming in third place, which, hopefully means, we won’t have to see them again, at least, for another season . . .
Next up are The Troubletones, with a fun little mashup of Gloria Gaynor’s classic wedding ditty “I Will Survive,” and Destiny Child’s Dumped Girl Anthem, “Survivor.” (Apparently, the Glee writers, heard the complaints of us snarky recappers. In a surprise showing of continuity, BOTH the Troubletones and New Directions added in enough random extras to have the twelve-member troupes that were so important to the competition in previous episodes.)
As for this performance, it was sassy, sexy, well-harmonized, and expertly choreographed, basically, everything we’ve come to expect from this all-girl troupe. Yet still, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if they performed their Adele mashup, from a few weeks prior, instead of this one. Am I the only one who thinks they probably would have won?
Regarding the New Directions, there’s was a three-part tribute to the Jackson family. In a seemingly bold move — especially considering past performances — the tribute allowed EACH member of the club to shine, with his or her own solo . . . as opposed to having one or two Gleeks hog the stage, while the others rocked back and forth in the background . . .
First, Tina, Kurt, and yes, boys and girls, Mike Chang(!) took the lead on the Jackson Five’s peppy, ABC, which was by far my favorite of the three numbers . . .
Next came Finn, Artie, and Puck crooning to Michael Jackson’s own soulful ode to self-discovery, Man in the Mirror . . .
Finally, Quinn and Blaine took over for my last favorite performance of the three to Janet Jackson’s “Control.” In the New Direction’s defense, I’d simply never heard the song before, and didn’t like it very much. They did their best with what they were given, though . . . (And Quinn’s ” taking control,” speech at the beginning was TOTALLY terrifying. So, if that was the point of it, mission accomplished.)
Given that we are only half way through the season, the fact that New Directions ended up winning the competition (with the Troubletones coming in a close second) should be no surprise to you. But still, it was nice to see Quinn, of all people, be the one to finally extend an olive branch to her competitors, by inviting them to rejoin the WINNING team. She even got Rachel to agree to let the girl group perform its own solo number in each successive competition, which should be fun to see . . .
Did I mention that Quinn decided she wants to go to Yale? Yeah, because THAT’S an easy thing to accomplish!
Then again, her whole Baby Napping Storyline should make for a really nifty Ivy League College Application Essay . . .
The episode ends on a super cheery note, with the Glee kids all together at last for a big impromptu finale sing-a-long to the song “We are young.” What I liked best about this number was, not necessarily the performance itself (I mean, there was virtually no choreography at all), but how much fun the Glee kids seemed to be having during it. I mean, these guys genuinely seem to enjoy one another’s company, and chemistry like that is pretty hard to fake. See for yourself . . .
And that’s all she wrote for this week’s episode of Glee. Be sure to tune in next week, for the guaranteed cheese-fest that is the show’s annual holiday-themed episode . . .
I’m sorry. Was that too Grinchy of me? What I mean to say is, be sure to tune in next week for the SUPER EXCITING Christmas installment of Glee . . .
Greetings Gleeks! You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject. And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .
Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.
Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.
Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.
And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.
But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick. Right? RIGHT??
Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive? Let’s Gleecap, shall we?
The Slap Heard Round the World School
Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”) clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.
I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . 😉
This week, Santana’s facing down suspension, not to mention a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals. Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.
Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer . . .
“It was fake. HAHA! Just kidding! LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.” (Not really . . . but there should have been.)
No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself. So, she confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve. Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .
Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully “de-closet herself.” He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.
Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet. Finn?
He tells her she’s awesome . . . and that by hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it. It also makes her act like a bit of a tool. Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .
Finally, he claims he doesn’t want her to kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news. But through all these sweet, if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.
Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so. Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet, is really beside the point. By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means. If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead . . .
Going Girly . . .
The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls. Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.
First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.” It was a sweet rendition. Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.
Awww, Santana! Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU! Show some respect!
You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:
Meanwhile . . .
Puck Gets Lucky . . .
Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge. Like many of Puck’s solos, this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest. Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me through the television screen . . .
As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan. So, of course, I enjoyed this performance. I did have two complaints, however. (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me . . . I’m not quite sure why.
(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.
Keeping a furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .
Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open. Puck successfully takes charge of the situation. And, as a reward, wins SEX. HOORAY!
How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral . . . We can’t do this.” On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind. After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these . . .
. . . unlike, say, somebodyelse we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME . . .
Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.” But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . . well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season . . . THAT’S WHY. Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.” Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .
All that aside, since he’s a 29 year old teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .
“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell out the name “Shelby” during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s name. Yeah, that’s it!”
Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it? Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .
“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome. And I would know . . .”
Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because . . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.
Seriously? Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!
Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games. He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby. And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements. Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear. And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.
So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress, by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.
Personally, I think Spanks made him do it. DAMN YOU, SPANKS!
Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .
Everybody Loves Cooter . . .
“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .
Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets? Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay. Surely, many of us fellow star-screwers can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”
Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election. And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part. (NO! Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily. (Just kidding. It’s Cooter.)
“But wait!” You say. “Unacceptable! He belongs to the Beiste!”
Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate. Poor Beiste is devastated. And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t . . . um . . . curing his Man Pain. Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card. Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.
It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone. I smell a solo song number. Don’t you?
I hereby present to you “Jolene.”
Ultimately, Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel. But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time? Only the writers know for sure . . .
I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)
Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice. I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style. So, this really worked for me. Santana must have felt the same way, since her the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.
All together now . . . “Awwwww.”
You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:
Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.” This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity. Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song. This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.” And while none of the girls actually kiss during it, there is a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .
We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.” Wait . . . what? I thought that seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?
Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . . That didn’t go so well . . . “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.
So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .
How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart? She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . . . that would be MUCH better. It’s interesting (and sad) how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay. Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.
Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass. Good times! 🙂
Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness. She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death. Other than that awkwardness, the performance serves as a poignant finale to the journey Santana underwent, during the episode . . .
In other news . . .
When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to Count the Ballots . . .
Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying. It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her, he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays. (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead? Or Puck, for that matter?)
Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box. But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.” The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for. Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese Lady Love, respectively) by voting for their Britt . . .
. . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.
However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul. This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore! Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension. There’s only one problem . . . he didn’t do it.
You know who did? Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff. (Who doesn’t?)
Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square. (HOORAY for Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!) Kurt concedes graciously, telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima, singing oldies songs for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .
And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either. Her election rigging is going on her permanent record. She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!
This is terrible. The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .
Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .
Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that. It’s a girl thing. What can I tell you? Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen” here:
So . . . tell me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” 😉