Tag Archives: Goodbye Columbia

Kick off 2011 right, with these 10 Sexy Chuck & Blair Moments from Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season!

Happy New Year, Gossip Girl fans (and, perhaps, more importantly, Chair fans)! 2011 is a brand new year for us fangirls and television lovers!  And just because our favorite shows are still in Hibernation Mode, doesn’t mean we have to be!  So, rather than nursing our hangovers, and moping about how another year has gone by, I thought it might be nice to spend the first day of the new year with our favorite pair of Upper East Siders . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Chuck and Blair day, here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  And have I got some smoking hot Chair Moments for YOU!

What follows are my picks for the Top Ten Chuck and Blair moments from the first half of Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season . . .

(Note:  As always, many of these video clips have not been properly embedded, due to CW copyright restrictions.  But you can view them ALL, in their Sexy CB Glory, by simply clicking on the internal links. ;))

10. Chuck sniffs Blair’s “Pie”

 Episode: 4 x 05 – “Goodbye, Columbia”

Setting the Scene:   Chuck has just declared war on Blair, once again.  This time, the breach of peace is Much Ado about Eva, Chuck’s Hooker in Peasant’s Clothing, Ex-Girlfriend.  Blair sent her snoozy temporary replacement packing, with the help of a few carefully placed rumors, and an unmatched ability to plant seeds of doubt in Chuck’s head, as to his Sweet Tart’s supposed “virtue.”  Since Chuck and academics are like oil and water, Blair mistakenly believes that she will be able to protect herself from battle, by hiding out on campus at Columbia University, where she is currently matriculating.  But Chuck has other ideas . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Mmmmm . . . I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.”

GOSSIP GIRL:  “Better batten down the hatches, B.  It looks like your Island in the Storm was just hit by a Bass 5 Hurricane.”

Why it Made the List:  Nothing turns Chuck and Blair on more than a good-old fashioned War of Wits.  And this most recent war between Chuck and Blair was no exception.  Observe the way Chuck’s and Blair’s breathing quickens, when they come within a few feet of one another, how their eyes dilate, and the way they repeatedly look at each others’ lips, as they banter with one another.  These are textbook signs of sexual attraction. 

Let’s not forget the extremely lewd and naughty way, Chuck “sniffs” Blair’s pie.  It doesn’t take Freud to figure out what part of the female anatomy that pie represents, or what it means for Chuck’s nose to be in it!  In addition to being a sexually significant food in general, pie is a highly symbolic dessert to Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, in particular. 

For Blair, food is an indulgence, one that is directly tied to sexual attraction.  Later on in the season, we see Blair attempting to combat her romantic feelings for Chuck, by compulsively scarfing down macaroons.  Even later in the season, Blair sends Chuck a pie, to symbolize their continued “friendship” with one another, in spite of a recent breakup. 

But food also plays a darker role in Blair’s life.  A long-time sufferer of bulimia, pie represents Blair’s struggles with her body image, and sense of self.  For Blair, Chuck is like pie.  He is seductive, delicious, and makes her hungry for more.   But he is also dangerous, and potentially hazardous to her health.  And just like with that decadent dessert, once Blair starts induling in Chuck, she often can’t stop . . .

9.  The Peace Treaty

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene:   A few surprisingly eloquent words of warning from Raccoon Zombie Jenny, in the previous episode, caused Chuck and Blair to rethink the mutually destructive nature of the war they had waged against one another.  As a result, at the end of that episode, Chuck and Blair informally agreed to a “truce,” via a late night handshake (more on that later).  But Chuck’s and Blair’s friends, Nate and Serena, know that a mere handshake is not enough to put out the wildfires perpetually raging between these two soulmates.  And so, Nate and Serena stage an intervention of sorts, and attempt to broker a formalized peace treaty between the warring factions.

Potent Quotables:

NATE:  “Sooner or later, one of you is going to press the other’s button.  And we are going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.”

CHUCK:  “I have no objection to order in the kingdom.   Let the negotiations begin.”

And much, much later . . .

BLAIR:  “Actually, there is one more point I want to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys are dismissed.”

Why it Made the List:  For what was supposed to be a “serious” negotation of a formalized legal agreement, this meeting between Chuck and Blair was pretty darn funny.  Kudos to all parties involved, for not breaking into hysterical laughter, or even smirking, as Chuck and Blair discussed which of them was entitled to attend fashion week in Paris, who had access to which strip clubs, and whether Chuck was allowed bed the hostesses at local restaurants that Blair frequented.

All kidding aside, however, this peace treaty showcased some SERIOUSLY sexually tense moments between Chuck and Blair!  Observe Chuck’s body language, throughout the negotiations.  His fists and jaw are clenched.  His nostrils are flared.  His lips are pursed.  He’s uncharacteristically figety.  Chuck Bass is like a BULL IN HEAT!  And as for the slow and seductive way that Blair pours and drinks that water from her wine class, while licking her lips — her eyes closed in exaggerated ecstasy?  Well, it doesn’t get much more sexual than THAT!

8. Reunited in Paris

 Episode: 4 x 02 – “Double Identity”

Setting the Scene:   After engaging in bestiality with a Raccoon Zombie, and breaking the heart of the love of his life, Chuck escaped to Prague, where he was shot.  To add insult to nearly mortal injury, the engagement ring he had initially purchased for Blair, stolen right out from under his bleeding body.  Chuck was then “rescued,” by some blonde chick named Snoozy Eva. 

So, filled with Self Hatred was Chuck at the time, that he allowed the world to believe he was dead, and began gallivanting around Europe with Snoozy, under the alias, Henry Prince.  Blair, who was vacationing in Paris at the time, learned of his whereabouts from Serena.  The Queen B then tracked the Bass-tard down at a Paris train station, in order to deliver to him an important message . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Changing your name doesn’t change who you are.”

CHUCK:  “It’s a start . . . a chance to live simply, earn people’s respect, maybe become a person someone could love.”

BLAIR:  “Someone did love you . . . And you owe it to her — and everyone else you are leaving behind –not to run away, which is what you are doing  . . .”

CHUCK:  “Your world would be easier, if I didn’t come back.”

BLAIR:  “That’s true.  But it wouldn’t be my world, without you in it.”

Why it Made the List:  After spending an entire summer wondering whether Chuck Bass was dead or alive, and then suffering through nearly TWO full episodes, without a single moment of interaction between my favorite GG pair, this sweet and quietly heartbreaking scene between Chuck and Blair went a long way toward alleviating my painful symptoms of CB withdrawal.  The fact that Blair would be willing to rescue Chuck from his own demons, and convince him to come back to New York City, and reclaim his identity, despite all the pain he had caused her, said volumes about Blair’s strength of character.  It also provided me with an ounce of hope for the pair’s future together . . .

And the longing, tear-filled, looks Chuck and Blair exchanged with one another, when she returned to him the engagement ring he thought was gone for ever?  Priceless (not to mention, highly symbolic)!

7. The Truce

 Episode:  4 x 06 – “Easy J”

Setting the Scene:  Earlier on in this post, I made reference to a scene in which Chuck visits Blair late at night, at her home.  Chuck arrives, waving the proverbial white flag of peace, after the war between them had escalated to such a point, that both of their lives were at stake.  Blair is hestitant to trust Chuck’s offer at first.  After all, he has lied to her, and hurt her, so many times in the past.  And yet, as Chuck continues to plead his case, the cast iron shell that has formed around Blair’s heart, since the whole Raccoon Zombie Incident, begins to show signs of breaking . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Look, we can keep blaming each other for what happened that night.  Or we can admit a harder truth.  It was no one’s fault.  It was fate — a tragedy . . .  Ware holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  We don’t have to, we have a choice.”

BLAIR:  “Truce . . . you can see yourself out.”

CHUCK:  “I know the way . . .”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, at times, Chuck and Blair can act like children, with their tendency toward name-calling, silly games, and petty fights.  But, when it comes right down to it, these are two old souls, both of whom are wise beyond their years, in so many ways.  I loved the maturity with which Chuck and Blair were able to evaluate their past relationship in this intimate moment.  It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, or who was to blame for what happened to them.  Things simply didn’t work out between them last season.  So, why rehash the painful memories?

In this scene, Chuck and Blair took their first tentative steps toward overcoming their past, and building a future together.  They came to a mutual understanding that who they were yesterday, doesn’t necessarily have to be who they are tomorrow. 

And yet, how much had really changed between them?  The obvious electrical current of sexual energy that spread through Chuck’s and Blair’s bodies, as they shook their hands in “truce,” belied their promises to one another that they would never again give in to their mutual romantic desires . . .

 

6. The Threesome

 Episode:  4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  After an intense session of mindblowingly Hot Hate Sex at the end of the previous episode (more on that later), Blair awakens to a VERY happy ending in her bedroom.  Count on Cockblock Serena to come barging into the bedroom and spoil the moment, just so that she can babble on (and on and on) about the not particularly interesting “relationship” problems she is currently having with Professor Hot Bod . . .

Potent Quotables:

GOSSIP GIRL:   “Morning, Upper East Siders.  I hope you had a Good Night Sleep, or at least a Good Night’s Play!”

BLAIR: (while trying to hide her obvious arousal, and Chuck’s “head,” from Serena) “I hate it when the duvet pops up like that.”

CHUCK:  “This comforter blocks out so much noise, they could sell it at Bose.”

Why it Made the List:  Simply put:  watching Blair try to give solid “friendly relationship” advice, while, at the same time, fending off Chuck’s amorous advances, beneath the sheets (which were obviously giving her a tremendous amount of pleasure!) was just good naughty fun!  All of us felt Blair’s pain!  We ALL wanted Serena to get the heck out of that bedroom FAST, so that Chuck and Blair could finish whatever it was they were doing, before she entered . . .

And NOTHING is hotter than Ed Westwick, when he’s sporting Post Sex Bedhead, while discussing the sound quality of comforters . . .

5.  The Breakup

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene: Chuck and Blair have just been publicly outed as a couple at the Saints and Sinners Ball, after weeks of keeping their affair a secret.  The outing had the unintended effect of bolstering Chuck’s public image as a naughtily decadent Bad Boy Entrepreneur with a soft spot for a delicate debutant.  Apparently, when it comes to hotel moguls, contradictions are sexy!  The outing was decidedly less lucky for Blair, who lost the opportunity to be spokesperson for a feminist-based foundation, Girls Inc., as a result of it. 

Chuck sees what happened as evidence that the couple can overcome any obstacle, as long as they are together.  But Blair is not so sure . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK:  “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

BLAIR:  “Do you really believe that?”

CHUCK:  “I do.”

BLAIR:  “So do I.”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, it was maddening, and incredibly frustrating, that after three episodes of build up, intense conversations, and incredibly hot sex (all of which seemed to support the notion that these are two people who are MEANT to be TOGETHER), Chuck and Blair broke up, over something as seemingly insignficant as Blair not getting a dumb internship.  And yet, in this very special moment, Blair and Chuck BOTH admitted that they were in love with one another.  Beyond that, Chuck’s words to Blair about people who are meant to be with one another, eventually finding their way back into one another’s arms, seemed incredibly prophetic of an eventual PERMANENT union for this couple.  Don’t you think?

4. Hate Sex

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene: The short-term ceasefire in the war between Chuck and Blair came to an unexpected end, after a highly embarrassing video, featuring Blair drunkenly singing at a karaoke bar, was exposed to all of New York high society on her twentieth birthday.  An enraged Blair immediately accused Chuck of leaking the video, since he was (she believed) the only person aware of its existence.  After all, permanent disavowal of this video was an important part of the peace treaty between Chuck and Blair.

Chuck — who would never even think of releasing such a video to the publi — was highly offended that Blair would believe he would do so.  (As it turns out, the video was discovered and subsequently publicized by Dopey Dan).  After the party, Chuck confronts Blair in private, to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that the war between them is back on . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I’ve realized we are not friends.  Friends have to like each other.  And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.”

BLAIR:  “Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.”

CHUCK:  “There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me, ready to explode.”

BLAIR:  “So, it’s settled then.”

CHUCK:  “We’re settled.”

 Why it Made the List:  OMG!  This scene was HOT with a capital “H!”  When you really thing about it, feelings of hatred, and those of intense and passionate love are not all that far removed from one another, are they?  Both have the ability to cloud your mind, and keep you from thinking rationally.  Both have a tendency to get you hot under the collar.   Both light a fire in your heart, that threatens to explode your insides.  And, perhaps most importantly, both can drive you completely insane!

The moment Chuck and Blair move toward one another, and begin to describe their mutual feelings of hatred, we all know the sex is inevitable.  Like Chuck and Blair, our bodies fill with the heat of anticipation.  As for the animalistic manner in which Chuck and Blair angrily have their way with one another on top of that piano — ripping eachother’s clothing off, as they teeter on the brink between insanity and intense pleasure — well . . . it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen on television before!

 

3. Chuck and Blair Exposed

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  When Chuck’s publicist informs him that his new do-gooder image is bad for business, Blair suggests that he throw a Saints and Sinners Ball, to show the world what a bad boy he really is.   Mistakenly believing that their coupledom would undermine Chuck’s womanizing mystique, Chuck and Blair decide to keep their budding relationship a secret. 

And yet, when Chuck utters a certain phrase to Blair during sex (more on that later), Blair finds herself unable to think about anything else.  (Did he mean it?  Is it true?)  So, Blair shows up at the party, risking everything to ascertain Chuck’s feelings for her once and for all . . .  Little do Chuck and Blair, know that both of their secrets are just moments away from being exposed . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “I heard what you said . . . three one syllable words that, under the circumstances, you may or may not have meant.”

CHUCK:  “Do you want me to have meant them?”

BLAIR:  “If they were true, I would want to know.”

CHUCK:  “I meant it Blair, with all my heart . . . Are you going to say something?”

BLAIR:  “I will . . . I mean . . . I do.”

CHUCK:  “I understand the consequences, but I am willing to pay them . . . I say, we go up in flames together?”

Why it Made the List:  This very special scene is all about risks.  When Chuck and Blair meet one another on that balcony at the Saints and Sinners Ball, they are putting everything on the line for one another:  their lives, their livelihoods, their reputations, their pride, their self-respect, and their hearts.  The fact that the conversation between them takes place high above the ground, only heightens the dangerousness of this moment. 

Blair risks her future as a public feminist figure, by coming to see Chuck at the Saints and Sinners Ball.  And then, she risks her pride by asking him if he meant it, when he told her that he loved her during sex.  In turn, Chuck puts his own heart on the metaphoric table between them, when he admits to Blair that he DOES, in fact, love her — not knowing for sure whether she returns those feelings.  When Blair does respond affirmatively to Chuck’s claims of love, she does so, by saying those two special words, “I do,” almost as if she is completing wedding vows.  (How’s THAT for foreshadowing?)

Moments later, when Blair’s and Chuck’s relationship is exposed to the party — rather than shunning one another, to protect their respective reputations — both Blair and Chuck decide to embrace public scrutiny, and “go down in flames together.”  By doing this, Chuck and Blair take the ultimate leap of faith for one another, and prove that, when it comes to the many things in both of their lives that are important, their relationship comes first.

2. “Friendly” Sex

 Episode: 4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck and Blair have just reached the end of a VERY GOOD DAY!   Not only have they each gotten laid MULTIPLE times by one another, they’ve also protected a mutual friend, and ensured the takedown of a mutual enemy.  As Chuck and Blair sit quietly in her living room, sharing a drink together, they are feeling tired, but happy, and oddly invigorated.  Chuck and Blair have just been reminded of what a great team they make, when they are able to put aside their differences, and work toward a common goal.  In this triumphant moment, anything seems possible . . . even friendship.

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Sometimes, I think a takedown is better than sex . . . Well, it’s an endorphin rush.  Plus it makes me think of old times.  I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.”

CHUCK:  “Maybe that’s because that’s what we are,  friends.”

BLAIR:  “Who knew it would take a public takedown and tons of hate sex for us to get here?”

CHUCK:  “Well . . . I should get going.  Good night, Waldorf.”

BLAIR:  “Same to you, Bass.”

Why it Made the List:  As Chuck and Blair are reminded of what a good team they are, we are reminded as well.  Though on the surface, they seem very different, Chuck and Blair are really so much alike!  Both can be sly, manipulative, and mean-spirited.  But they are also loyal friends, who are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that one of their own doesn’t get hurt. 

Can Chuck and Blair ever really be just friends?  The beginning of the scene suggests that they can!  Observe the easy and effortless way in which they relate to one another — shifting easily between joking banter, and sweet compliments.  Remember that Chuck and Blair started out as friends, and partners-in-crime, back during Season 1 of Gossip Girl.  These are two individuals know what makes each another tick.  They are comfortable with one another.

And yet, when Chuck and Blair move close to one another, and share a gentle hug, all thoughts of friendship go out the window.  The sexual chemistry between them is undeniable.  Observe the way Blair gently places her hand on Chuck’s cheek, the intense looks that are exchanged, and the depth of feeling behind each movement.  Behold the power of that kiss!

Granted, Chuck and Blair have been having sex throughout this ENTIRE episode.  So, what makes this time different?  You see, this is the first time, in the course of the hour, that Chuck and Blair make LOVE!  All the romantic elements are there: the gentle way the room is lit, the soft crackle of the fireplace before them, the soft femininity of Blair’s floral dress, the way Chuck CARRIES BLAIR ACROSS THE THRESHOLD into her bedroom, like the pair of newlyweds they are destined to someday be.    When it comes to television love scenes, they don’t get much better than this!

1. Chuck Says “I Love You” During Sex

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck has just learned that he needs to reaffirm his Bad Boy image, in order to reclaim his hotel mogul status.  According to his publicist, this means dropping all ties to Good Girl Debutant Blair.  Likewise, Blair is informed by the head of the feminist foundation Girls, Inc. that she is in the running to become the organization’s spokesperson, but only if she disassociates from the rebellious Chuck.  Chuck and Blair meet in her bedroom, in order to plot a plan certain to save both of their careers.  But it’s hard to talk business, when both parties are feeling so very hot and bothered . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “There is something alluring about an angel drawn to the darkside.”

BLAIR:  “Or a devil redeemed.”

CHUCK:  “An impeccable plan.”

BLAIR:  “This really is a beautiful friendship.”

CHUCK:  “I love poplin.”

BLAIR:  “I love condemnation.”

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

Why it Made the List:  This scene was just pure perfection, on so many levels!  Porn stars have NOTHING on Chuck and Blair, in terms of sheer sexuality.  I adored the way, Chuck and Blair were able to help one another with their respective business problems, without letting all the dull talk get in the way of their sexual activity, even for a single second! 

The breathless way the Chuck and Blair talked to one another, their barely muted moans, as they undressed eachother and fell into bed together, the way Blair’s eyes rolled back in her head, when Chuck kissed her neck . . . it was enough to drive a Chair fan CRAZY!

When Chuck finally got caught up in the throes of passion, and told Blair he loved her, I literally squealed with JOY!  Blair may have doubted the veracity of Chuck’s claim — because he said it while in the throes of passion — but us Chair fans never did!  Like Blair, Chuck is the kind of person who keeps his feelings closely guarded, no matter what he’s doing at the time. 

The Chuck we know would never let himself get carried away during sex.  He would never say those three words, unless he absolutely meant them.  This is why it took Chuck being completely blissed out, and in the moment, for him to reveal the feelings for Blair that he had heretofore kept hidden.  This is the image of a man in deep and serious love.  And, as far as I’m concerned, nothing can be sexier . . .

Well, there you have it.  Ten Slyly Seductive and Super Sexual Scenes between Gossip Girl‘s “It Couple,” Chuck and Blair.  Which one was YOUR favorite?

New episodes of Gossip Girl will begin airing on Janury 24, 2011.  Until then, XOXO!

P.S. Be sure to check out my pals at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair blog, if you haven’t done so already.  The site’s late-breaking Chair news, gorgeous photography, and captivating content are sure to provide you with everything you need to satisfy your Chair fix, during this interminably long GG hiatus.

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists

“I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Goodbye Columbia”

“Just so you know, Chuck Bass, you can sniff MY pie, any time you like . . .”

Flirting with cute boys and pie-sniffing aside, this was a tough week for our favorite Upper East West Side Princesses.

Both were battling some particularly EVIL Super Villains.

These two “villains” each separately plotted (Although wouldn’t it be AWESOME if they worked together?) to do something ABSOLUTELY UNIMAGINABLE to our fair heroines!  And what did these dastardly devils try to do, you ask?  DENY BLAIR AND SERENA THE RIGHT TO AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION!

“Oh the HUMANITY!”

Did the EVIL Super Villains succeed?  Were Blair and Serena cast out of Columbia, and forced to endure the ignominy of attending (gasp) a State School?  Read on to find out . . . IF YOU DARE!

OMG!  Creepy Stalkers are SO ADORABLE . . .

  . . . assuming they look like THIS, of course.

When the episode opens, Gossip Girl informs us that Serena is turning over a new leaf, and trying to become a “newer and better version of herself.”  When we first see Serena, we know instantly that she MUST, in fact, be “newer and better.”  After all, clearly, this is a girl who doesn’t get bogged down in the superficial details of life.  I mean, why else would she stop brushing her hair?

It’s like the “Before” picture in a Pantene Commercial . . .

Anyway, this “newer and better” Serena is rushing off to class, and hails a cab, only to find that (for, what we learn, is not the first time), some unnamed attractive dude . . .

Just in case you forgot what he looked like . . .

 .  . . has stolen said cab, and inserted some random hobag inside it.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

So, of course, Serena does what any sensible girl who is about to be late to class would do in such a situation, she hops on the nearest bus or subway pouts, whines, and stamps her foot like a toddler with poopy pants.

“When I do this at home, my Mom buys me necklaces from Tiffany’s.  Maybe this guy will do the same.  He certainly looks like he can afford it.”

Seeing that Serena is angry, Unnamed Attractive Guy, ignoring the hobag already in the taxi, holds the cab door open, and  continues to talk with Serena.  This lapse in time, gives our heroine ample opportunity to jump in the cab, and make it to class on time.  Instead, she stays and chats because . . .

 . . . (Do I really need to explain it to you?) 

As it turns out, Unnamed Attractive Guy has been spying on Serena, and stealing her cabs ON PURPOSE as an excuse to get slammed in the face with a taxi door flirt with her. 

Now, if you girls are anything like me, you all oohed and aahhed, and sighed at this scene, thinking it was “oh so sweet” and “oh so adorable” for Unnamed Attractive Guy to try to court Serena in this “creative” way.  However, let me ask you something.  Would you feel the same way about Unnamed Attractive Guy’s actions, if he looked like THIS?

 . . . or, how about THIS?

NO!  You’d think he was a scary stalker, and would probably wake up about two hours earlier every day, just so as not to run into him again!

But, as we know, Unnamed Attractive Guy did not look like THIS . . .

 . . . or THIS . . .

 . . . He looked like THIS . . .

 . . . and so, therefore, we all REALLY REALLY hope that these two get to do the horizontal mambo together, VERY soon!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving . . .

“I am a genie in a bottle, Baby.  But be careful when you rub me that way.”

One thing that must be said about Serena, she is a generous lover.  And by generous, I mean she shares her love with EVERYBODY!  So, of course, when Gossip Girl put out a blast that Serena had an STD, there were, understandably, a number of people on Columbia’s campus who were “concerned” by the news.

Like, for example, them . . .

 . . . and him . . .

. . . and them . . .

Coincidentally, if YOU happen to be in this picture, rest assured, the arrow that seems to be directly above your head is actually pointing at SOMEONE ELSE (Please don’t sue me!)

Unfortunately, Gossip Girl doesn’t specify which STD Serena has.  So, for the sake of illustration, let’s just assume, for argument’s sake, that she has one of these two . . .

Of course, us wily GG fans already know this blast is TOTALLY true false.  Someone evil is behind all this, and her name rhymes with “Muliet.”

Earlier in the episode, we watched Juliet have a conjugal visit meet in prison with the guy who is supposed to be her “Brother Ben.”  However, he totally acts like the Creepy Jealous Boyfriend / Homicidal Maniac in every Lifetime movie I have ever seen.  (Then again, maybe THAT’S how he got into prison!) 

Possible jailhouse footage of Juliet and Brother Ben, courtesy of Gossip Girl

During his and Juliet’s post-sex pillow talk meeting, Brother Ben stresses his impatience with Juliet, regarding her inability to isolate Serena from her friends, and get her expelled from Columbia — thereby “taking EVERYTHING away from her,” like she somehow did to Brother Ben.  (Yes . . . because I’m sure the Academic Scholar Serena, who didn’t even want to GO to college until about two episodes ago, would be absolutely suicidal, over getting kicked out of the school where she spent two days, during which she cut or was late to every class).

“What exactly is she implying?  I love school, because I am smart.  S-M-R-T.”

To protect Juliet’s “cover,” Brother Ben wants her to set up Nate as the Fall Guy for the plot to destroy Serena.  Juliet is conflicted.  Secretly, she hopes she will have time to SCREW Nate, before she has to SCREW HIM OVER.

Juliet’s Creepy Psycho Stalker Board a.k.a. “Research”

Later that day, Juliet convinces Nate to get tested for STDs, by withholding sex from him until he does.


Ummmm . . . you know, Juliet .  . . some STDs are ORAL.  Just saying . . .

Once she is certain Nate will, in fact, go through with getting tested, Juliet fans the flames, by telling Serena that NATE was freaked out by the Gossip Girl blast.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

Needless to say, when Serena sees Nate outside the Student Health Center, she is PISSED!

Gee Nate, you’ve been looking kind of pale lately.  I really hope you aren’t  . . . um . . . coming DOWN with something . . .

Of course, the first thing Serena does is subtly insult Nate’s “chastity” by commending him for getting tested, given the high number of sexual partners he has “experienced” recently.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a SLUT!

Serena then selfishly asks that Nate wait a few days before getting tested, so that SHE won’t “look bad” in front of the whole school.

Ummm . . . honey, maybe you should have thought of that before coming on campus, without having brushed your hair first.

“There is someone else I need to get tested for,” insists Nate.  “SHE is my priority.  NOT YOU!

Accompanying Nate to the clinic, is his secret gay lover “new best friend” Dan Humphrey.

Unlike Nate, DAN DOESN’T need to get tested for an STD, because all HE and Serena did on that fateful night during the Season Finale was spoon . . .

To spoon or to fork?   That is the question.

 . . . at least, that was what Dan told his boring ass girlfriend Vanessa, when the first blast initially came out.  So, of course, you can imagine how freaked out the V-ster was, when she received a SECOND blast from Gossip Girl, noting Dan’s presence outside the Student Health Center.

“I was so upset I nearly peed in my hemp underwear (which were handcrafted by women of the Sioux Indian tribe, for your information).”

Vanessa, now completely convinced Dan has been lying to her about what happened that fateful night, publicly calls out Serena for being a Major Slutbag.

*sings*  “Tell me, tell me, tell me, something I don’t know, something I don’t know.”

(Note: Vanessa’s public anger at Serena will end up being important later.  So, don’t ignore the scene, just because it contains a character that you happen to find boring . . . like I usually do.)

Back in Crazy Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Population Juliet

 . . . Juliet begins to plant the seed in Nate’s head that he should steal Serena’s phone, in order to find out, once and for all, whether she has an STD.  (After all, STD test results take FOUR DAYS!  And when have you ever heard of ANYONE on this show going FOUR DAYS without sex . . . unless they were in a coma at the time?)  However, Nate doesn’t take the bait, because he is too stupid honorable.

Don’t worry, Nate.  There is no need to understand!  You’re WAY TOO pretty to have to worry about dull and unimportant things like “logical reasoning”. . .

Fortunately for Juliet, Vanessa is not NEARLY as pretty as Nate, so she has actually HAD to learn logical reasoning skills, while growing up.  When Vanessa approaches Juliet to bitch to her about Dan, Juliet instructs Vanessa to meet her at the Big Fake Party Designed to Put All the Characters in the Same Place Hamilton House.  There, she gets Vanessa to steal Serena’s phone to see if Dan wrote anything to Serena about their f*cking.

Lo and behold, there is a message on the phone from Dan that basically says, “Golly gee, isn’t it nice how we haven’t f*cked lately.”  (HOW CONVENIENT!)

Vanessa is OVERJOYED!

“I’m so happy I could dance nude in the light of the full moon, and praise Mother Nature!”

While a Happy Vanessa rushes off to do the horizontal mambo with a Non-Infected, Dan, Juliet uses Serena’s phone to send a message to one of Serena’s professors (the one who’s class she’s always missing,  because she can never catch a cab).  The message basically asks the professor, for a bump in grades in exchange for some STD-filled sex with Serena.

The professor tells the Dean about the e-mail.  And she instantly wants to expel Serena.  Of course, it isn’t until that very moment, that Boobs for Brains FINALLY realizes her PHONE IS GONE!

“DUH!”

Vanessa, being the moron that she is, publicly admits to taking the phone from Serena, out of guilt, even though it should be SO OBVIOUS to anyone with a pulse, who sent that message.  Then, Juliet jumps in, and blames the message’s submission on VANESSA! 

(NOW, do you see why that boring Serena / Vanessa “fight” was important?)

So, to summarize, Serena now thinks JULIET is a hero (who saved her from expulsion), and EVERYBODY HATES VANESSA.

(Coincidentally, when you think about it, the two statements above pretty much summarize exactly how most GG fans feel).

At the end of the episode, a number of things happen in rapid succession, with respect to this storyline.

1) Dan and Vanessa come to realize that a relationship without trust is just like every other relationship on this show not worth having, and eventually break up.

Maybe now, these two can go back to hanging out at their own school, NYU, (which, for the record, is ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF MANHATTAN, GG writers!), where they belong . . .

2) Serena has a drink with Unnamed Attractive Guy, who turns out to be someone who is slutty, but “smart and deep” . . . just like Serena pretends to be!

I swear, that just never gets old . . .

3) And, finally, after promising “Brother Ben” that she is “not falling for Nate,” Juliet shows up in Nate’s bedroom in sexy lingerie, and the pair have the HOTTEST SEX SCENE EVER!  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself . . .

Yeah . . . I totally watched that video like six times.  I’m not gonna lie.

Speaking of HOT COUPLES . . .

Scheming . . . as American as Apple Pie

This week, Blair tried to take the high road, and avoid HOT HATE SEX WAR with Chuck, by immersing herself in something he had absolutely no experience with, education.

“Books are for pussies.  My servants read FOR me.”

In typical Type-A personality fashion, Blair doubles her class load to avoid Chuck.  The class she wants to enroll in most is a Business Marketing class run by Professor Chamberlain.  So, Blair and her minions (who, by the way, look suspiciously similar to the minions she had last year at NYU) head off to wait online to enroll in the class (Huh?  No ONLINE enrollment?   What is this, 1990?). 

And yet, who should she see at the front of the line, but THIS GUY . . .

Like Juliet had decided earlier regarding Serena, Chuck has determined that the best way to get revenge against Blair for stealing away his Harry Potter Character He’d Most Like to Screw . . . Aside from Hermione lover . . .

 . . . would be to get her expelled from Columbia.  The only difference here is that, unlike Serena, Blair actually LIKES learning, so there is a bit more at stake, in this instance. 

As it turns out, Chuck despite being completely illiterate has decided to audit a few classes at Columbia.  Oh yeah, and he’s also Professor Chamberlain’s assistant.

This was precisely the position Blair wanted.  In fact, she wanted it so bad, she even resorted to having Dorota make making baked goods in order to get it.  “I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie,” says Chuck seductively, as he moves just inches away from his “former” lover’s face.

In a scene whose hotness, though admittedly more subtle, rivaled that of Nate’s sex with Juliet, Chuck places his nose directly in line with Blair’s cleavage, and amorously inhales “her baked goods.”  Blair, though trying to look annoyed, is obviously more than a bit aroused by the act.  This is evidenced by the way her eyes close in ecstasy, and her mouth parts, for just a split second, before her face returns to its characteristic sneer.

Blair then tries to steal the assistant position from Chuck, by offering to set the Professor in question on a date, which, honesty seemed pretty ridiculous to me.  And yet, the lame-brained idea actually worked . . . that is, until Chuck pulled a little bait-and-switch on the dates.  This resulted in Blair setting the Professor up with ANOTHER WOMAN, even though she WAS STRAIGHT!

Shortly thereafter, at Hamilton House, Chuck and Blair duke it out, in one of their classic, “it is SO COMPLETELY OBVIOUS we are TOTALLY hot for eachother” fights.  During it, each detailed, the various ways they planned to blackmail Professor Chamberlain for the assistant position, if the other of them ended up getting it.  Professor Chamberlain overhears this and . . . quits?

Yeah, I didn’t get it either.  I really just wanted to see those two crazy kids sniff eachother again .  . .

At the end of the verbal f*ck fight, Chuck reiterates for the umpteenth time how much he wants to take everything away from Blair, just like she took a very boring thing everything away from him.  Blair then reiterates that she hates Chuck for screwing Racoon Zombie.

But this time, Chuck takes the argument one step further, by threatening to go public with his DEVIRGINATION of Little J, thereby ruining Chuck’s, Blair’s, and Jenny’s (not that she ever had one) stellar reputation, in the process. 

Just in case you thought he was bluffing, in the last scene of the episode we see Chuck making a phone call that somehow involves the following three things: Parson’s University, Jenny Humphrey, and . . . TIM GUNN?

In the words of the Man of Fashion, himself, “This concerns me.”

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Tune in next week, when the Racoon Zombie returns  . . . with redemption on her mind and an EVEN WORSE WEAVE on her head . . .

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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