This week on True Blood, our girl Tara FINALLY got her GROOVE back . . . and then she stuck it in the back of Franklin’s head . . . multiple times.
I really thought he was going to last longer. Didn’t you? Now, if we could just get rid of Lorena . . .
I’m going to be honest with you guys. I missed a good portion of this episode. Now, don’t worry, I don’t think this will effect my recap. You see, I HEARD the entire episode, I just didn’t SEE all of it . . . because my hands were covering my face for a good portion of the hour.
I was hiding my face for SO LONG during this episode, I almost missed NAKED ALCIDE!
But I didn’t!
So, are you ready to get gory? Let’s get on on with the recap!
The Sophisticated Vampire
“When I said I wanted to new skylight on the ceiling, this WASN’T what I meant.”
When the episode begins, a Smiling Russell Edgington drags Sookie Glow Fingers back to his Big Gay Mansion. Clearly wanting to make up for being such a Major Dick this whole Season, Vampire Bill decides it’s time to protect his woman. He does so by brutally staking one of Russell’s body guards. He then wraps his legs around Russell’s head, which you would think the Big Gay Vampire King would like . . . but he doesn’t. In fact, he dislikes it so much that he throws Bill at the ceiling.
Bill “hangs” out there for a little while, before falling back to earth. Talbot is PISSED about the sudden and unwarranted home renovations. Something tells me Russell won’t be getting any tonight!
Russell has his remaining guards drag Bill to the “slave chambers.” Sookie rushes toward him, but is surprised when Vampire Eric grabs her roughly by the wrist and brings her to Russell.
“I wouldn’t let go of this if I were you. I don’t know what it is, but I do know it is quite valuable,” intones Eric, looking super sexy in his Panty Dropper Blue Sweater, even though he is currently being a Total Tool (or, perhaps, because he’s being one).
“Eric, what the f*ck!” Sookie exclaims. (Ooh, a lovers’ quarrel! I see some AWESOME Makeup Sex in these two’s future . . .)
“Awwww, it thinks we’re equals,” coos Eric, maddeningly referring to Sookie, as if she’s his pet. (He’s gonna get spanked for sure!)
“You’ve been a Bad, Bad Vampire! I’m going to make you pay, Dirty Boy!”
Lorena interrupts to inquire as to what Russell plans to do with Slave Bill. “You will kill him,” replies Russell matter-of-factly.
To Lorena’s credit, she actually looks a little upset about having to Kill Bill.
But when Sookie threatens Lorena’s life, if she dares harm her man, Lorena’s fangs literally come out. “I would love to rip you open, and wear your rib cage as a hat,” Lorena growls.
A Sookie is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Eric is instructed to take Sookie into the study, so that Russell can interview her later. When Sookie tries to protest, Eric lovingly puts his hand over her mouth, “Shut the F&ck Up,” he warns her.
In the study, Sookie and Eric have a hilarious exchange about what just went down between them. “I hope you were behaving that way for the King’s benefit,” seethes Sookie.
When Eric denies being disingenuous with the King, Sookie fires back with an on-point impersonation of the Hot Sheriff himself, throwing his own affectionate words from the Season 3 premiere episode back in his face. “Sookie . . . your life is too valuable to throw away. You make me feel almost human,” she monotones.
Eric can’t deny that Sookie is valuable, but he refuses to cop to expressing any sort of sentiment toward her. “You must have dreamt it,” he replies. (Oh no, Eric . . . YOU must have dreamt it!)
Later Russell enters the room, and inquires as to the source of Sookie’s Telepathy, and her Glow Fingers. “Maybe I’m an alien,” Sookie offers helpfully.
In response to Sookie’s inquiries about Bill’s whereabouts, Russell informs the Alien that Bill has been stalking her keeping a file on her family history. But love is blind to reason, and Sookie doesn’t seem to react very much to the news. She is later locked away in one of the Big Gay Mansion’s many rooms. “Beeeeeeellllll!” She yelps, because we haven’t heard her do that in about ten minutes, so it’s high time she did it again.
Vampire Bill has fallen and he can’t get it up . . .
“You got a heating pad or something? This floor is hell on my sciatica.”
In the grotesque S & M portion of the evening, we watch Lorena as she brutally tortures Bill . . . by forcing him to listen to her inane monologue and crybaby tears.
“I always forget that I need to wear waterproof mascara when torturing!”
Oh yeah, she’s systematically cutting him with surgical tools, while he’s tied to the floor, too. Vampire Bill tries to appeal to Lorena’s sympathy, by telling her that he wishes he knew her when she was human and still cared about life. Lorena whines annoyingly, slightly affected by Bill’s grand speech, but she keeps butchering him anyway. Unfortunately for Lorena, this sweet little Snuff Film is interrupted by Drug Addled Werewolve,s Coot and Debbie, who barge in hoping for a taste, “from the source.”
Dude, if you weren’t hot I would SO hate you.
YOU, I hate!
Never one to let a meal grow cold (even though, admittedly, this one has been COLD a long time), Trash O’ Deb gets right down to sucking. Coot, however, prefers to play with his food first. So he proceeds to kick the cr*p out of the defenseless Bill for murdering his were-friends. Lorena looks on boredly, wondering whether Rib Cage Hats come in pink to match the new dress she just bought . . .
I now pronounce you Man with Mace-Head
Did I just say that BILL and LORENA provided the “grotesque S&M” portion of the evening? Because, actually, I think Franklin and Tara had them beat by a MILE! Things started off “sweet” enough, with Franklin returning to his soon-to-be marital bed, clad in a girly white nightgown to match Tara’s hideous white wedding dress.
“You do realize that blood stains show up on white fabric, don’t you?”
Tara feigns happiness to see her Groom-To-Be, but Franklin has nagging insecurities about her sudden show of affection. “You didn’t even notice that I shaved for you!” He pouts, as he straddles his living doll.
Tara tries to relieve Franklin’s doubts by ramping up the sex appeal, or, at least as much as she CAN ramp it up with her arms tied to the bedpost, while wearing that AWFUL gown. She begs to be untied, so that she can “pleasure him better.” Franklin complies. Once untied, Tara begs to taste Franklin’s blood on her last night as a human. She takes a HUGE chunk out of his neck, which, honestly, I didn’t know was possible with human teeth. It’s pretty disgusting. “Kill me, kill me, kill me,” begs Franklin in the throes of passion.”
“OK,” says Tara.
“I can be very obedient when I want to be.”
Once Franklin has fallen asleep, Tara uses the strength she has drawn from Franklin’s vampire blood to communicate with Sookie telepathically, since she knows from Franklin’s intel, that her friend is ocked up nearby. “I’m coming to get you girl. We are going to get out of here. Be ready,” she thinks to herself.
Tara then turns to the cadre of weapons conveniently located on the wall of her bedroom, and selects an ancient mace, which she promptly bashes into Franklin’s skull . . . multiple times . . . until he’s nothing more than a bloody stew. Poor lovesick puppy never had a chance . . .
“But I shaved for her! I don’t understand!”
I Now Pronounce You Beard For Life
While Tara is bashing Franklin’s skull in, Eric is engaging in a romantic card game with Talbot. Russell interrupts, and requests Eric’s presence on a little “road trip.” Eric, who assumes the purpose of this trip will be to rescue Pam from the evil clutches of the Magister, is noticably eager to get moving.
“Come rescue me, Big Daddy!”
“You NEVER take me anywhere! You prefer to surround yourself with sycophants,” Talbot explains. (That’s the spirit, Talbot! Confuse him with your big words! That will get him back in your bed for sure!)
In the car en-route, Vampire Eric really ramps up the charm, even going as far as to allude to having sexual interest in Russell.
However, having witnessed last week’s Viking flashback, we know that Eric has a Master Plan, and vengeance on his mind. The two discuss King Russell’s “ownership” of the V-addicted werewolves, and his plans to have the supernatural world united for World Domination. But when Eric inquires about Pam, he learns that Russell has another destination in mind. The two are headed to Queen Sophie Anne’s house.
The last time we saw Queenie here, she was enjoying a day-long game of Yahtzee. Now she seems content playing with lottery scratch-offs. Clearly, this is someone who needs to get a hobby. Queen Sophie is not at all excited to see Eric and Russell on her doorstep, seeing as the pair has just murdered her guards and tied up her lover, Hadley (who also happens to be Sookie’s cousin). But Vampire King Russell, ever the romantic, doesn’t concern himself with this. Instead, he gets on his knees and proposes.
“Go f*ck, yourself,” Queen Sophie replies politely.
At which point, Eric tackles her to the floor like a linebacker. “No, YOU go f&ck YOURSELF,” he clarifies. (Wow, lots of f&cking in this episode . . .) “I’m older than you . . .you framed me. Therefore, I renounce my fealty to you. My loyalty is to the King.”
To celebrate this grand proposal, Eric hopes to kick things off by breaking Queen Sophie Ann’s neck, but Russell doesn’t let him.
Russell diplomatically offers the terms of the couple’s engagement. He will never touch her. (Because they are both gay . . . get it?) He will make all her debt and legal problems disappear. She will not be prosecuted for dealing V. Sounds like a damn good deal if you ask me. The Queen reluctantly agrees to marry Russell, then runs off to find and f&ck her girlfriend . . .
In Sam’s Trailer Trash Family News . . .
Tonight, we learned why Joe Lee had said that he “owned” Tommy, during last week’s episode. In a revelation that surprised precisely nobody, Tommy’s mom revealed that the family had been surviving on the money Shapeshifter Tommy earned as a pitpull in dog fights.
What WAS surprising, to me anyway, was that Mommy Mickens used to dog fight too . . .
Well . . . maybe not SO surprising. After all, we always knew she was a b&tch.
In Shirtless Jason Stackhouse News . . .
Jason continues to get it on with Crystal in the woods, complimenting her on how literally hot she is, and explaining to her how he isn’t a virgin (Now that’s the understatement of the century!) When Jason begs Crystal not to break his heart, she cries. All tears aside though, things are going great, until Crystal smells something funny, and excuses herself.
“Dammit! I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that bean burrito at the precinct!”
The next day, when Jason arrives at Crystal’s trailer with flowers, this D-Bag who tried to bash in Lafayette’s car (more on him a little later) answers the door. Crystal soon follows, claiming that the D-Bag is her fiance and that she’s never met Jason in her life. Crushed, a dejected Jason slouches off. As he heads to his car however, he finds himself face to face with the naked ASS of the high school football star who he reamed a new one for being cocky at Merlotte’s last week. Jason gets an IDEA!
“It’s not what you think. But it SURE looks that way, doesn’t it?”
Jason inexplicably interrupts the high schooler mid-screw, and performs a citizen’s arrest on his butt for “lewd conduct in a public place.” (Hey, Jason knew the word “lewd!” Color me impressed . . .
“Something about you ain’t right . . .” Jason explains.
That may be true Jason Stackhouse. But you have to admit, the kid had a really cute ass!
Speaking of Homoerotic Moments . . .
. . . Lafayette and Jesus get pretty hot in a car of their own this evening . . . once Lafayette establishes that Jesus isn’t Satan, of course. (Always an important question to ask your prospective boyfriends.) They then move their action into Lafayette’s apartment, but are interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. Lafayette and Jesus run out, to find D-Bag and his cronies from the trailer park bashing in Lafayette’s car. D-Bag just has enough time to get out a few choice words about Lafayette’s V-dealing tendencies, before Jesus threatens him with a bat, and Lafayette beats the stuffing out of him. “Tell your friends you just got beaten up by two f*gs,” Lafayette yells after D-bag, as he runs away.
Unfortunately, Jesus heard the part about the V-dealing, and no longer wants any part in Lafayette’s drug-tainted thongs . . .
Jesus is V- free!
In Vampire Jessica News . . .
Our Teen Vamp seems to be really learning how to control her powers. After a slight slip of fang at Merlottes, Vampire Jessica tries to make amends with Arlene, by glamouring a customer to give the waitress a BIG tip, after she got all the other restaurant patrons to stiff her last week. She also successfully FEEDS on this patron without killing her . . .
You go, Vampire Chick!
Back at the Big Gay Mansion . . .
TARA: “Oh, hell no! Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to get to you? You better say MY NAME, b&tch!”
Tara breaks Sookie out of Big Gay Jail, by beating up the guards outside Sookie’s room. The two escape the mansion, but Sookie annoyingly wants to go back and rescue Vampire Bill. Tara thinks she’s f*cking nuts! I agree. Once again, Tara is running through the fields, when she encounters yet another werewolf, but this one looks different . . .
The first time I saw it in the promos, I thought it was some kind of Were-Vampire, but I was wrong. It was THIS GUY!
Back in his human form, Alcide tells Tara he is here looking for Sookie, but Tara is too busy staring at his gorgeous abs and large johnson to pay much attention to his words. “Do you have a car so we can have hot passionate animal sex in it?” She inquires.
“Yeah,” replies Alcide.
And off they go . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Sookie finds a blood drained, nearly lifeless, Vampire Bill on the floor of the “Slave Quarters.” She professes her love to the dying vamp, promising to do whatever it takes to save him. Then Lorena magically appears . . .
Sorry, I just liked the rib cage hat too much, not to use it again . . .
As the episode ends, Lorena attacks Sookie, biting her neck until she screams for mercy. That’s not good!
And there you have it folks, a Truly Bloody True Blood. Did you like it? Or was all just a bit too much gore and too little Shirtless Stackhouse . .
P.S. For those of you out there, who are wondering where my Mad Men season premiere recap is, I PROMISE it will be up tomorrow. Sorry for the delay. Contrary to popular belief, I do require SOME sleep . . . 🙂