But don’t you worry. This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. 😉
(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care? Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.
You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift . . . like, for example, a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .
(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?
Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt. You what you should NOT bring? Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!
[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events. What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies? Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED? Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy? Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint? So many questions . . .]
It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . . .
. . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .
[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.
Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]
(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?
Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test. First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.
Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.
And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .
[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now. This ought to be interesting.]
(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area. Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?
And finally . . .
(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him. I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .
(12) This guy?
A TOTAL KEEPER.
And finally . . .
(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!
That’s all I’ve got folks. Until next time, my Pretties!
And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.
It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.
Yes, Fangbangers. This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts. Just how we like it. Let’s review, shall we?
The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse
We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended. Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.
Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.). But Lafayette has other plans. “Turn her!” Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.
“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.
Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former. And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit. “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal. The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.
Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”
Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara. I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life. (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie. But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)
Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something. But Vampire Pam isn’t having it. Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.
Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair. Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .
In other Stackhouse news . . .
Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)
It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one. Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.
At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis. He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively. But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them. Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.
As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make. And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece. So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape. It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.
It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far. And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense. It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.
“You should really touch my gun. It’s SOOO BIG!”
And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right? Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.
Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well. He even complimented Steve on his kind words. But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .
But don’t you worry Jason fans! Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs. Poor Steve. Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded. Bad for Steve. But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .
Not everyone’s a Jason fan though. He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.
They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment. I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But Bon Temps is just such a small town! It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .
Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.” And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.
Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.” But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”
For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous. But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.
Good lord! Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?
“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.”
Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .
Tastes Like Marcus
Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him. So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide. Hey you know what I noticed about Sam? Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such. Not very manly. He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.
Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid. Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .
Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack. As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”
“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”
In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .
. . . and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way. Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.
Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.
Burn it Down
Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .
. . . Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.” No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it. Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades. So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all. (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)
Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed. Who knew?
The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.
Yikes. It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.
But enough about those pesky humans. We watch this show for the vampires, right?
When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY. In short, they are now in deep doo-doo. While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.
I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn on. Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.
Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger. But Eric is unmoved. “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.
Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .
Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music. Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank. They then proceed to blow that sh*t up. Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers. Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp, Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety. “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.
“I just can’t quit you.”
How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.
Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.
Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker. So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift. I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .
The Lannisters approve.
. . . as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .
And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be. Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering. “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.
Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program. You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos. I smell a revolution!
Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . . .
It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam. The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit. But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive. This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse. Sookie cries. Lafayette cries. Pam rolls her eyes.
In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit. And you can check out all of it, here . . .
Sorry, A! It looks like we are going to have to save that request for Pretty Little Liars: Spring Break Edition . . . or at least until PLL gets picked up by HBO.
Welcome back, my Pretties! Long time, no “A.” . . .
Let’s see, it’s been five months in Rosewood Time (and about three months in Real Time) . . .
. . . since the erstwhile social pariah, turned Queen B, turned psychotic lunatic with a text-messaging addiction, Mona van der Waal donned her evil black hoodie, and evil-er raccoon eye makeup, and took a long leap into a short ditch, but, miraculously, didn’t die.
So, what have our favorite PLL’s been doing during all this supposedly A-free time? Let’s review, shall we?
Nightmare on Spencer’s Street
Nearly two years ago, to the day, the pilot episode of PLL bean with what ended up being the Worst High School Sleepover Party EVER! Sure, everything started out normal enough. There was gossip, girly pop music, ambiguous liquor being consumed out of not-so-ambiguous red cups . . .
But then Ali snuck out for a quicky with Creepy Pedo Ian, and the rest is, for lack of a better term, “history.” . . .
And how do the girls plan on commemorating the proud day when their bestie got her head bashed in by a shovel? By throwing another slumber party, of course!
We get a creepy sense of deja vu as the girls listen to Rihanna (By the way, does anybody remember what pop song was playing during the pilot?), while drinking from those all-too-familiar red plastic cups, and discussing the summer that recently passed. Emily spent her summer building homes in Haiti, where, at least according to Hanna, up to 50 people can live in one house. (If that’s true, I wonder how many bathrooms she built.) Aria and Spencer took college courses, while Hanna had an obscene amount of sex took cooking classes with Caleb.
What’s cooking, good looking?
Just to remind the fans that she (or he, or they) is still around, “A” instructs the girls, via text message, to expose their tatas to the viewing audience. Clever! Maybe the real “A” is a dude, after all . . .
In hindsight, I think the point of the text was to foreshadow that the girls were under close surveillance by at least one member of the so-called “A” team. But at the time it just made me giggle . . . you know, because they said “boobs” on the “Good Little Christian Channel” that is ABC Family . . . also, because I’m 12 . . .
Emily, who has been getting progressively drunker by the minute (By the way, Drunk Emily = My New Favorite Character on this show), thinks the whole “show your boobs” thing is a Great Idea! And if this show actually had any male fans, I suspect they would too.
Now, in most cases (with the exception, perhaps, of during Mardi Gras0, when a woman starts offering to expose herself in public, that’s a pretty good indicator that she should be cut off, liquor-wise. “Nahhhh, you just keep getting sh*tfaced,” decides Hanna.
And why not? After all Drunken Exhibitionist Emily is SOO much more fun than the mopey sober one, who whines aout Maya being dead / missing all the time.
On second thought, I may have spoken a bit too soon. In the course of about a minute, Emily morphs from being a slightly jaded, but still hilarious drunk, to a killjoy depressive drunk. (Isn’t that always how it works?) When Spencer brightly tries to engage the girls in a toast to their upcoming senior year . . .
. . . Debbie owner Emily reminds them all that Maya will never get to be a senior . . . you know, because she’s like . . . dead . . . and stuff.
(Don’t fret, Emily!) Maya DID make it to her senior year . . . about ten years ago . . . on Dawson’s Creek.
Now, it’s the middle of the night, Aria and a very hungover Hanna (Both girls must have been pretty hammered to fall asleep with their boots on . . . SOOO uncomfortable) . . .
. . . wake up to find the front door to Spencer’s home open, and both Spencer and Emily MIA.
As if on cue, Spencer rushes own the stairs to inform the girls that Emily is, in fact, gone. (Sound familiar?)
Yes, Spencer, you looked everywhere . . . including upstairs, even though the most obvious place to look for Emily was OUTSIDE considering that the DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.
And you’re supposed to be the Smart One!
Now, Spencer has always been my favorite little liar . . . after Hanna . . . and now Drunk Emily. But even I have to admit, her actions throughout this scene were SUPER SHADY with a capital “SUPER,” especially considering that she was also the first PLL to notice that the now-dead Ali was missing the summer prior.
First off, why didn’t Spencer think to call Emily’s cell phone, the minute she noticed she was missing . . . like Hanna does, just moments after she awakens. Oh wait . . . she did . . . only she blocked her number from Emily’s phone. Spencer, of course, claims to have no memory of this call. She claims that someone must have come into the house and made the call, while she was asleep. o we believe her? For now, I think we do. But it’s still mighty suspicious . . .
The Grave Mistake
Anyway, back to Drunk Emily. Now, when some people get wasted, they black out and wind up in bed with inappropriate people. Other people get waste, black out, and end up getting married at an Elvis Chapel in Vegas. Still others get wasted, black out, and wake up in a pool of their own vomit. Emily’s fate was worse than two of these options . . .
Hey, Ali. Aren’t we a little too old for Hide and Seek?
I think we can probably assume, based on what we learn later in the episode that the A-team somehow further drugged Emily, shoved her in the trunk of one of their cars (Blind Jenna’s), drove her to the cemetery, dug up the body, then pulled Emily out of the trunk of the car, handed her the shovel and drove away. That said, I’m not quite sure why Emily’s reaction to all this was to stand like a zombie over the empty coffin, still holding the shovel, from the time Hanna called her to the time the girls finally arrived at the cemetery to pick her up.
Nevertheless, the PLL girls, who’ve gotten pretty adept at cleaning up crime scenes, quickly wipe Emily’s prints off the offending shovel, and get the f*&k out of there. For some reason, and I don’t exactly recall why, the group splits up. Spencer and Emily return to Spencer’s house, to engage in a rather homoerotic exchange, in which Spencer demands that Emily strip for her, so that the former can burn her clothes, which can now be construed as evidence. (Hey! It looks like Emily got to show someone her boobs, after all!)
Elsewhere, Hanna and Aria are shocked to find a new-and-not-so-improved Lucas (now with facial hair!) lurking around town in the middle of the night. Could Lucas be a part of the mysterious “A” team?
Only time (and a few more episodes) will tell.
Anywhoo, Boss Woman Spencer unilaterally decides that the girls will all head to her creepy lakehouse (a.k.a. the place where Hanna and Caleb had sex on Spencer’s nanna’s couch), and claim to have spend the night there, thus providing them with an alibi for the grave robbing for which at least one of them looks extremely guilty . . .
You know what they say . . . if the shovel fits . . .
And it’s a good thing too, because, sure enough, the next morning, Ali’s body snatching is all across small-town news, and the girls need to have their story straight, when they are inevitably questioned by the cops about it . . .
Hmmm . . . so, let’s see. What else happened this week?
Cooking with Caleb
Hanna talked dirty to Caleb . . . something about dongs . . . or is it “dong po.” The pair cooked together, while Hanna fibbed about going to the shrink, when she’s actually been visiting Crazy Pants Mona this entire summer. Caleb, of course, assumed that Hanna spent much of her time in therapy talking about him, because, and I quote “We are intimate.”
In other news, Caleb now needs to turn in his Man Card, because, in the course of a single episode, he grocery shopped, used the word “intimate” to describe something other than underwear, and cooked a meal with a name that sounds specifically similar to a very private part of the male anatomy . . .
In which Abs Toby gives Spencer a blue shirt (and blue something else) . . .
Abs Toby is a TOTAL TEASE! First he parades around Spencer’s bedroom wet and half-naked all summer. Then he lets her wear his shirt, and DENIES HER SEX. (I’d say Toby has to turn in his Man Card too . . . but I can’t. I mean, LOOK at those abs . . .
Speaking of Spencer, I should also note that, throughout the episode she gets calls from a blocked phone number, though she seems to know exactly who’s calling each time. She keeps these calls a secret from the girls and Toby though, all of which makes her seem even more shady . . .
Eventually, we learn that those calls are actally coming from Police Boy Garrett, who seems to be using all his limited phone privileges on the little liar, who probably hates him the most. So, I guess that means conjugal visits were probably out of the question . . .
“A police boy can dream, can’t he?”
But more on those two, a bit later. First we have to talk about Aria and her “thing” with bathrooms . . .
“Hey, remember that time you and I almost banged in a dirty bar bathroom? Good times!”
Meanwhile, over in Ezria land, Fitzy cleverly decides to remind Aria that this day is not just the day her friend’s rotten decaying corpse was stolen from the ground . . . nor is it the anniversary of the day that same friend was bludgeoned to death . . . it’s also the anniversary of the day the two of them met in a bar, and, moments later, almost got VD by banging in a dirty bar bathroom . . .
Anywhoo Aria’s and Fitzy’s plans to “Recreate the Date” of their first public restroom screw, are foiled when Aria gets called in by the cops for questioning about the disappearance of Ali’s body. Mommy is there, when Aria’s finished. And she has some not-so-kind words to say to Fitzy, while Aria’s isn’t around to hear them.
(Did I mention that Mommy Montgomery and Daddy Montgomery are getting a divorce? At least we won’t have to watch them making out anymore. Yuck.) Nevertheless, the two Aria lovers manage to retract their claws temporarily for Aria’s sake, and even agree to a sit down dinner date. How very mature of them all . . . even the underage one . . .
OMG! Psych Ward Mona is creepy. Why the heck would Hanna . . . WREEEEEENNNNN!
In slightly less happy couple news, Hanna just can’t seem to “quit” Mona, even though the latter pretty much ruined her entire life, and possibly tried to have her killed on more than one occasion. Unbeknownst to the rest of the PLL girls (though she eventually comes clean later in the episode), she’s been visiting the wackadoo at what appears to be the psych ward from Every Bad Horror Movie Ever . . . all the way down to the pee-colored yellow walls, saggy beds, and, of course, dirty chairs. Hang out too long in a place like this, and if you aren’t already crazy, you’ll be there in a month or so . . .
“Mona, girlfriend. You’ve gotta cut those split ends from your hair. And the big baggy white nuthouse nightgown look is SOOOO last season.”
I’ve seen toilet bowl seats that were cleaner than this . . .
So as not to clue anyone from town into her visits, Hanna’s been seeing Mona under a fake last name . . . wait for it . . . Rivers. I guess Caleb Rivers would probably be amused to know this . . . after all, the two ARE “intimate” . . .
Of all the PLL girls, Hanna was, by far, the closest to Mona. She truly considered the girl a friend, having confided many secrets in her, as the pair traveled the ranks of popularity together.
This makes Mona’s betrayal wound Hanna much deeper than the other girls. And so she finds herself in desperate need of closure. She needs to know why.
Unfortunately for Hanna, Mona isn’t exactly in the closure-giving mood, lately. Rather, she is in the stare at the wall blankly and drool mood. In fact, the only time we get any sort of reaction from Mona, is the SUPER CREEPY smile she gets on her face when she hallucinates “Ali” reading Lolita, in the chair behind Hanna.
Is Mona for real? Is she faking it? There’s one scene in the episode, in which Mona rises to watch Hanna converse with the doctors and nurses outside Mona’s door, that seems to suggest that is exactly what she is doing.
But one thing is for sure, Mona didn’t act alone as “A.” In fact, the girls can pinpoint at least two times during which Mona COULDN’T have done the things that “A” did. One of them was the time “A” snuck into Emily’s spa session and massaged her. (Mona was with Hanna at the time.) The second one was moving Ian’s hanging body from the bell tower.
“Just hanging out.”
Mona simply isn’t strong enough for that. The question, of course, is who was helping Mona complete these tasks, and more importantly why. The seeming lack of motive for these torture sessions are the most confusing thing about them.
But enough about that. Let’s talk about WREEEENNNNNNN!
Wren’s position as the Only Doctor in Rosewood, apparently extend to psych wards. (When does this guy sleep?) For a guy with romantic feelings for Spencer, Wren seems oddly invested in Mona’s fate, even going as far as to personally call Hanna on the phone to ensure that she continues visiting the looney tune.
Next week, we’ll learn that Wren’s father suffered from mental illness (schizophrenia, perhaps?). I have to say, I kind of love the writers for taking the time to explore, and provide a back story for this seemingly side character . . . And not just because he’s super hot, and has an adorable accent . . . well, maybe 95% of my interest has to do with that. But the last 5% is totally intellectual, I swear! 😉
Speaking of the boys of PLL, what’s the deal with Lucas? I used to ship him with Hanna. And now, all the sudden, much like Mona, he’s wandering around town disaffected and zombified. (Perhaps, being part of the A-team means becoming a zombie. That would be an interesting supernatural twist on this mystery, wouldn’t it?)
That said, I have to say, the black clothes, and slight facial hair, really work for this guy. He looks so dark and tortured now. Sexy . . .
Why Emily needs Ginko-Baloba
Speaking of people who have been a little off lately, Emily definitely seems to be going off the rails a bit. On registration day at school, she hangs back from the girls, staring at the longingly from outside the school.
(What’s with all the creepy staring in this episode?)
Upon meeting with her old pal, and sort-of/kind of erstwhile boyfriend, Abs Toby, Emily admits to having developed quite the little drinking problem over the summer. In fact, the opening scene of the episode, is far from the first time she’s blacked out, “lost time,” and awoken to find that she’s done something she wouldn’t normally do . . . you know, like have sex with inappropriate people, get married in Vegas, or sleep in your own vomit.
Abs Toby, being Abs Toby is super supportive, and not-at-all judgmental of Emily, which is exactly what she needs right now. He tells her that her friends love her for who she is . . . a drunk, who’s sometimes slutty, and possibly enjoys digging up dead bodies, just as much as she enjoys building homes in Haiti.
Back at home, we see that much of Emily’s problem is that she still really hasn’t adjusted to Maya’s disappearance. We watch as she sadly wraps one of Maya’s picture, with a scarf the latter gave her, back when the two started dating.
In brighter news, Emily’s memory from at least one of her drunken blackout moments seems to be coming back to her. Out for a head-clearing jog, Emily sees a car (It’s actually the same one we saw the no longer blind Jenna driving, back in the season finale.) . . .
. . . and distinctly remembers being stuck in it’s trunk on the night of the grave robbing. She’ll get her answers yet. If she can stop getting wasted long enough to comprehend them . . .
In which Police Boy Garrett begs for Spencer’s help, upon learning that all those rumors about jailhouses and dropped soap are 100% true.
Speaking of wasted, Police Boy Garrett is in bad shape. The guy who used to bone both Blind Jenna, and B*tch Sister Melissa, positively reeks of desperation, when Spencer visits him in his jail cell, after he’s called her phone about a dozen times from the pokey. One sight that Police Boy is in trouble, the new hairdo . . . it’s kind of sexy, in a badass sort of way. And if I like it, you can be assured that the other inmates do too, if you catch my drift.
Watch out, Police Boy. I hear some of your cell mates are really big fans of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
Apparently, Police Boy’s defense lawyers had just petitioned the exhumation of Ali’s body, claiming that something on her year-long rotted corpse could prove his innocence. This means that the “A” team in which he used to be a part, severely betrayed him by taking the body, quite possibly to protect themselves. It puts him in a unique position to help the PLL girls, if they trust him enough to let him. Police Boy Garrett tries to bargain with Spencer. He’ll tell her what she knows, if she gets her mother to help with his defense. You know, because Spencer’s mom is “the best lawyer in the country,” or something.
“In the words of Harvey Levin from TMZ, I’m a lawyer!”
Understandably, Spencer isn’t too thrilled about helping the guy who almost got HER put behind bars for the exact same murder. And yet, as she leaves the jail cell, there is something Police Boy Garrett say that gives her pause . . .
He doesn’t know crap about Maya though, who he also supposedly killed. I’m starting to think her death/disappearance might be completely unrelated to this whole “A” thing . . .
Field Trip to Creepo Motel
In other keeping secrets news, we learn that Spencer’s has been spending her spare time visiting, and trying to recreate “A’s” lair, which we got to see in last season’s finale. Apparently, the place had been cleared out, pretty much instantaneously upon Mona’s arrest, and not by the cops either. Spencer immediately suspects the highly suspicious chick who dressed up the black swan at the girls’ junior prom. You know, because everyone knows the Black Swan is ALWAYS NUTS!
Toward the end of the episode, the girls decide to take a little trip down to the place, to see what they can remember. But when they emerge from the hotel, they have a little surprise waiting for them . . .
Ending episode scenes of PLL have always been my favorite parts of the episode, and this one is no exception. You’ve really gotta love the CRAZY of these A people. We find the car the PLL girls arrived in, open on all sides and positively littered with incriminating images of the girls at the cemetery the night of Ali’s grave robbing. Once again, “A” appears to be all places at all times. And if the message she (or he, or they) delivers to the girls at the end of the episode is any indication, New A means serious business. “Mona played with dolls. I play with body parts. Game on, b*tches. – A.”
Quite a leap, from “Show me your boobs, right?”
Next week on PLL . . . (By the way, as always, the Canadian promo is about ten times better than the American one. What gives, USA?)
ELENA: “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another. It’s going to be SO COOL! Are you interested?”
BONNIE: “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips? Because I really hate that . . .”
ELENA: “Umm . . . welllllll . . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”
BONNIE: “I’m IN!”
“Make Love . . . Not War.” That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . . and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive. So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war. But you don’t really care about that, do you? You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants!
Shame on YOU! I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON! Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!
Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.” For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight. (Except for Forwood! Sorry Forwood fans!) Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen! And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall!
Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?
Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!
So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”
Playing House with AlarKlaus
You know what I really hate? When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee! That just really sucks! (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)
Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!
When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary). Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock. It sure sounds like a party to me!
After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .
Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .
. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine. Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .
and THIS . . .
. . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .
So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!
In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!
The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus. It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death. And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake! Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it.
“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years. So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine. And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again. “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers. “Don’t be so glum, Kat! The fun is just beginning!”
FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs. It’s OFFICIAL! AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!
Ahhh, but can he DANCE?
It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!
DAMON: “Knock, Knock!”
ELENA: “Who’s there?”
ELENA: “Damon who?”
DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”
ELENA: “You may enter . . . them.”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby, been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries. Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS!
And bite, it DID! Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).
“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.
“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!
Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter. Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .
“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY! You must OBEY ME! Say my name, B*TCH!”
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot. Bonnie is at the house too. And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school. Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave. He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms. But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch. So, she insists. “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1
Journey to CougarTown
*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on. She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so. . .” Ick, nevermind!
Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived. But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.
MATT: “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”
LIZ: “That depends . . . is it working?”
Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week. That’s right boys and girls! Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)
“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.“
I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL! I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less. After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right? Right?
WRONG! The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!
At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy. Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored. In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?
POOF! It’s been forgotten!
Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)
Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school. Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE. But Elena IS at school today. So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend. (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)
“Care to join us, Elena? We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”
The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events. New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s! He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar!
Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before! Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this. Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .
At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight. She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.
“3 scenes, 3 lines. You know what that means, don’t you? SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”
By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others? Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the body. And yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it. Any thoughts?
The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news. I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!
“Well Hi, There, Super Villain! Wanna kill me? Here’s HOW!”
So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?
Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .
It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually. Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan. Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking).
“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.
When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .
Look on the bright side, Damon. At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!
After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys. Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY . . .
(As we already knew.)
. . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor. (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)
AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body. So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell.
Alert the media! It speaks!
Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.
“Screw you too . . . EMILY!”
And this brings us to the night of the Next Last Dance . . .
Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)
It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while, at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.” ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .
You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE! It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween! Just sayin’!
Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality. (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)
Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .
. . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human. You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl, Bonnie! And you know what THAT means, don’t you?
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2
Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!) First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo. Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.” AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE? In his TIGHT PANTS? A man purse, perhaps?) to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown.
But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed, and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .
While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware . . .
Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.) And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .
In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own. Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture. So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.
(Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena! And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)
“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW. Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .
“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?”
I’m not even making that up! Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena! And it’s pretty friggin hilarious! But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .
Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!
He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG! And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end! GO TEAM!
Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters. And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears . . .
Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this! No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER! “What are THOSE TWO up TO?” Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .
Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!
A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly. So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him. It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans. So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena. And Elena confronts Bonnie. And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style!
Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life. But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her. And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness . . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season. But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.
Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.” They quickly follow him back inside the school. Ruh-ROH!
I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body. In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it. “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?” Elena inquires.
Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits. (Well DUH!) Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena. So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass. But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped. “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .
“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change? HELLS YEAH!”
(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings. I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)
Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat. Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier. (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!)
“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena. (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)
Where’s your head at, girlfriend? Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!
Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .
The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge. It’s not much of a battle, really. Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another. We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing. Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed.
Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls High. Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!
Umm . . . Bonnie? I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .
Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS! You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon! (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)
Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .
Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.” But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills. Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself.
Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS. Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies.
Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room. (What’s with witches and candles anyway? Can someone explain this to me?) Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave. When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .
SURPRISE! Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE! She’s ALIVE! Haha, fooled you, TVD fans! Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!
Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement. You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)! I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit. Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .
Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie. When Damon comes home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.
“Yes,” replies Damon. *facepalm*
(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been. “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE! APRIL FOOL’S!” I mean, talk about burying the lead!)
Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD!
And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her. Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening. (Well . . . it WAS a good Cry Face!)
Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online. Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together! YAY! Lamest Best product placement ever!
You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this, “Have you faked your own death? Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs? SKYPE can HELP!”
(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents? Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance? Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)
And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna! Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!
Oh, DON”T even get me started!
Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena. Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.
“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins. “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage. I’ll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”
Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true. I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle. But not for the reasons you might think. Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?
Who am I kidding? Of COURSE you remember! It was EPIC!
Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true. Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is. After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so. Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him. Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.
And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene. While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion.
I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact. And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .
Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions. In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene. Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her. “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena. “There has to be another way.”
You can try to hide your true feelings from Damon. But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!
But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels. “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die. I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”
Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life. And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe.
I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one. This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.
After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye. (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.) Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and about the sacrifices people make for ones they love. And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah. But in the end she knew that she couldn’t. Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.
As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it. And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon. Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.
But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .
As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven! That’s right boys and girls! Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!
Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut! Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode? It’s called “Klaus.” Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON! You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:
In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”
Damon: “So, you’re KLAUS, now? WTF Alaric! I thought we were supposed to bros? Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”
Alaric: “Ummmm . . . yeah . . . sorry about that. But, hey! At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”
Damon: “True . . .”
OK, so remember THIS GUY?
“Dammit Harry Potter! If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”
Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance. He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face. (Honestly, can you BLAME him? I mean LOOK at the guy?)
That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries. Everybody talks about him. Some folks even work for him. But nobody seems to actually know what he looks likeunless they read the spoilers.
In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .
The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep. This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following: (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this. Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .
“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”
Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode. (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show. It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another! It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)
“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”
Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2) to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!
An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang. The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus. Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease, neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.
As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded! Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena. (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)
At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . . throwing her up against the wall. SURPRISE! (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.) Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother. There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them. In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .
“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here! That was fun!”
The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice. Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars. Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline. But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting. (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)
“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya! (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”
While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone . . . and Elena.
(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . . “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better. Just sayin’!)
Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone. Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .
After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands. It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!
Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object. Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place! The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually: Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .
As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US! Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .
Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!
Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert. NOOOOOOO! Hang out with ELENA, DAMON! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!
A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .
You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864. If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus. So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .
(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)
. . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.
“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”
As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast. And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)
First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor. Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER! Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”
Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell. While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear.
“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT. Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”
Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing). Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain. And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .
“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”
Then, it’s all over. And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .
Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .
I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.
After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .
“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend? Are you friggin kidding me, with this? That’s IT! Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”
Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .
Isobel’s Big Plan
While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness. (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show? The Salvatores have Bonnie. Elijah had Jonas. Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock. Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?)
Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom. Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps. (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps. It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)
“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”
While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .
Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion. The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!
When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly? It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.” Sexual symbolism abounds . . .
And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.”
Then Damon magically appears!
After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .
“Now, watch me make him dance!”
Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?
Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .
Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!). However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire. Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter. Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock. He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go!
Wait . . . huh?
Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!
OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone.
(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something? Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do . . . even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)
But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season! She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!
Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood. The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene. . .)
Sayonara, Mama Isobel! It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting.
(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS! How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)
Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .
And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)
“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes. (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”
So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!) When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight!
(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)
Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister. Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.” Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .
. . . is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .
Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.
Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls. So, Caroline gives him these . . .
Just kidding! But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire. (I wonder how long THAT took!)
Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier. (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!) Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .
“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny. Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger. The world is a Perfect Place.”
The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything. “I did what you said. I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it. I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom. Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .
Well YEAH, GENIUSES! She DID die! That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!
Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene: (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .
“That’s SO racist!”
. . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.
You know, what? Why choose? Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!
Come back soon, Tyler! Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!
In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .
Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!
How’s this for a rockin’ present? Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . . . OMG! They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION! Holy CRAP!
Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .
Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head. Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine. But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT!
“Lovely Katarina. I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his.
“Look at me. I’m looking at myself through a broken mirror, to symbolize my shattered youth, multi-faceted personality, and ‘broken’ sense of self. Wowwww . . . MTV is SOOOO deep.”
Here’s a scenario for you. You are 16-years old. One morning, you find yourself home alone, with no parental guardians in sight. There is a big fat wad of cash on your kitchen counter. You also seem to be having some major “issues” with your nether regions. What do YOU do?
Chances are, if you DIDN’T answer: throw a raging, drug and sex-fueled, party at your house, for the entire teenage population of where the heck it is you’re from, this probably isn’t the show for you. You also may very well be an undercover member of the Parent Teacher Council.
If the film Home Alone was ever converted into a porno flick, I suspect it would look a lot like Episode 3 of U.S. Skins (which, coincidentally, looks almost EXACTLY like Season 1, Episode 4 of U.K. Skins).
Weiner Hijinks Ensue
Chris, is that a shower cap on your Mr. Happy, or are you just REALLY happy to see that stove?
In the opening moments of Skins‘ third episode, we are introduced (or re-introduced, rather) to slacker high school student, Chris. MTV’s website characterizes Chris as “happy-go-lucky.” And when we meet him in this episode, we learn that the description might not exactly have been referring to his “personality.”
In addition to Chris, we are also introduced to another character on Skins, one that plays a major part in this episode, and who may actually possess better comedic timing than all of the show’s cast members combined. Of course, I am referring to Chris’ . . . hot dog.
Thus proving that MTV shows will give absolutely ANYONE and ANYTHING a SAG card these days . . .
Case in point . . .
To kick off what I would hereby like to refer to as the “Chris and His Weiner Comedy Hour,” we are treated to a montage of sorts, featuring Chris and his Better (and Lower) Half, engaging in all sorts of zany fun! Here are just some of the highlights: (1) Chris and His Weiner feed the fish! (2) Chris and His Weiner try to pee, but Weiner shoots Chris in the face! (3) Chris and His Weiner take a Shower! (4) Chris and His Weiner make Eggs for Breakfast! (Are you watching this, Viagra? Because I’m pretty sure MTV just wrote your next television commercial . . .)
Fun Times with Dick, however, is interrupted, when Chris finds something VERY SPECIAL on his kitchen counter . . .
Holy Smokes! It’s 1,000 blooming buckaroos, or, as the Cool Kids are calling it these days, One G. It’s like CHRISTMAS for Chris! (Weiner, however, who was hoping for yet ANOTHER box of Viagra, can’t help but be a tad disappointed.) Not sure of how he should proceed, a still half-naked Chris, tapes Weiner to his pant leg . . .
“I’ll BE BACK!”
. . . and invites his friends over for a Highly Homoerotic Kitchen Encounter Pow Wow of Epic Proportions.
Does anyone else think that Nu-Tony looks a bit like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years, or am I totally off base here?
While Stanley thinks that Chris should invest his wad of cash in some low-risk tax free bonds, and Weiner thinks he should invest in more Viagra, the rest of the crew seem to think that a Big Party is the way to go. So, a Big Party is what we get . . .
It’s a PAAAAARRRRTTTYY!
Weiner, of course, was highly insulted by the fact that, while Chris’ Nipples got to roam free and mingle with the rest of the party guests (See Picture Above), HE had to stay tucked away. Weiner needn’t have worried though, he was still the TALK of the party, and despite being, more or less, “hidden from view,” all eyes were DEFINITELY on him . . .
ABBUD: “Hey Tea, do you think Chris’Weiner likes me? Sometimes, I think he does . . . Other times, I’m not so sure.”
TEA: “Chris’ Weiner likes EVERYBODY, Abbud!”
While Abbud and Tea are discussing the logistics of Chris’ nether regions, Tony arrives to do what he seems to do best: Stare Longingly, and Silently Pine for Love . . .
Based on last week’s little Dance / Sex Session, we assume Tony’s Sad Little Eye F*&k is directed at Tea . . .
. . . but it very well may be directed at Abbud. On this show, you can never be too sure.
Speaking of people who like to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love, say hello to Cadie . . .
If you recall from last week, Cadie agreed to pretend to be sleeping with Stanley, because doing that “favor” for him would be, as she called it, “sweet.” (Little did she know that her favor had LESS to do with being “sweet” to Stanley, and more about Tony being able to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love in the general direction of Tea’s Naked Tatas, which Tea had promised to expose to the public, once Stanley cashed in his V card.) And yet, based on her behavior this week, it seems that Cadie would much prefer to ACTUALLY “make monkey” with Annoying Haired Stanley than just “pretend to make monkey” with him.
“I don’t know what ‘Making Monkey’ means exactly, but I sure hope it involves eating . . . Because I LOVE to eat!”
Unfortunately for Cadie, Stanley is too busy pining after Tony’s girlfriend, Michelle, to Make Monkey with ANYBODY!
Wait . . . so let me get this straight . . . Cadie wants Stanley, who wants Michelle, who’s with TONY, who wants Tea, who wants that Betty Boop chick from last week’s episode?
Somebody is going to need to diagram this for me . . .
Speaking of Tony and Michelle, SHE (Michelle) is naked in Chris’ bed, and HE (Tony) is also naked, and playing with fish. (This is, unfortunately, NOT a Euphemism for Sex, by the way.)
Michelle is, understandably, feeling a bit underappreciated in this situation. So, Tony tries to make her “feel better” by telling her that one of her tatas is bigger than the other . . .
“Ummm . . . thanks?”
This Oh So Romantic moment is interrupted by Stanley, who has come to borrow a shirt from Chris’ stash, because some girl puked on his . . .
Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part Deux . . .
While in Chris’ room, Stanley gets his first glimpse of Michelle’s Tatas.
Chris’ Weiner says, “Dammit! Why aren’t I in this scene? I could do really great work here!”
Knowing full well that Stanley is totally in Loooooove with her, Michelle boldly exposes herself to her boyfriend’s best friend, and asks for his opinion on her tatas. In response to this inquiry, an entranced Stanley blubbers on for about two minutes about how his “eyes are blurry” or something, and rushes out of the room. Meanwhile, Tony, who is probably dreaming of Tea’s Tatas’ at the time, looks on, boredly amused.
“Your eyes are supposed to BLUR TOO!” Michelle, notes to her boyfriend angrily.
Tony rolls his eyes, and then proceeds to screw Michelle . . .
Hot for Teacher
Back downstairs at the party, Chris’ Social Sciences teacher, Tina, arrives. Apparently, Chris is in Loooooove with her. (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?) So, he invites her over to his house, under the guise of planning a “Parent-Teacher Conference” of some sort. Once he’s got her in his clutches, however, the admittedly adorable (even though, honestly, he looks about 12) Chris takes advantage of this Excellent Opportunity by laying THIS gem, on his lady love . . .
“I think that dancing is like the best thing in the world. Because, it makes you healthy, but it also makes your mind better too. And, I know that you’re sad sometimes, and I hate that. So, would you just stay . . . and dance . . . Please?”
Honestly, who could resist THAT? So, Tina starts slow dancing with Chris. And, you’ll never guess what happens next . . .
Scotch tape can only hold back Weiner for so long, before it stages a revolt! So, Tina (who’s already sort of verging on Pedophile Territory, with the looks she’s been giving this Underage Student in the Elvis Costume) freaks out and bails, no doubt rushing back to the Bad 80’s movie from which she originated . . .
Life is HARD, isn’t it Chris? (hint, hint, wink, wink)
Tina’s departure more or less sent the episode, and Chris’ life, into a downward spiral. And the rest of the episode, was filled with a series of increasingly awkward (and kind of depressing) moments . . .
The Awkward Moment When You are Hiding in Your Mom’s Dresser Listening to Your Friends Engage in Homoerotic Conversations . . .
After a long night of partying and getting wasted, Chris’ pals have worked up quite an appetite! And, Chris, being the Good Host he is, decides to use the remainder of his Cash Stash to buy them all pizza. The problem is, he’s run out of money. So, Chris dashes up to his mom’s room to get some more. What he finds up there is . . . absolutely NOTHING.
Now, having seen the U.K. version of this episode before, I wasn’t exactly surprised when Chris found his mother’s room completely emptied of all of her belongings — a sure sign that she had abandoned her son, quite possibly for good. And yet, it is a testament to Jesse Carere’s acting skills, that my heart still sank during this scene.
In fact, in some ways, watching THIS Chris experience the loss was even harder, because he just looks SO MUCH YOUNGER and seems SO MUCH MORE VULNERABLE than that perpetually hilarious old soul, U.K. Chris. As someone who ADORED U.K. Chris to bits, I very much appreciated this American actor’s decision NOT to try to replicate the former’s unmatchable performance. Instead, Carere gave HIS Chris, a sensitivity and sadness that was uniquely his own.
But, lest we become too maudlin, here comes Stanley and Tony with their Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 3 . . .
A poor and miserable Chris, hides in his mom’s empty dresser, as he listens to Stanley and Tony talk about how incredibly HAPPY Stanley should be for the opportunity to be having Fake Sex with Cadie. And then they start having HOT GAY sex with eachother, like they’ve clearly been wanting to do for this ENTIRE EPISODE this happens . . .
Poor Chris, though clearly depressed about his future, tries to joke with the boys, and put on a brave face, by noting that his Weiner, has “gone to back to bed,” and hasn’t even TURNED BLUE! Tony, who knows a “Friend in Need” when he sees one, tries to cheer Chris up, by telling him his Weiner looks REALLY BIG NOW!
“Why, thank you, TONY! That’s so sweet of you to say!”
(Seriously? How GAY is U.S. TONY?! He can talk about Tea’s tatas all he wants. But we’ve known the guy for only three episodes, and he’s already hit on EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, at least once! In fact, I’m starting to think that, perhaps, the reason he likes Tea so much, is that he’s in the market for a Beard. )
*Sigh* . . . “Chris’ Weiner, I Loooooooove YOU!”
To cap off the conversation, Tony “kindly” informs Chris that, since the latter broke the mirror in his mom’s dresser, he now has seven years of bad luck awaiting him. Niiiiiice!
The Awkward Moment When Your Friends Learn that You Don’t Know what The Piledriver is . .
Chris, Tony and Stanley head downstairs, where no one has ANY money to pay the Pizza Man, and everyone is discussing Cadie’s and Stanley’s sex life. When a skeptical Tea begins interrogating the virginal Stanley about this, Cadie, inPtrying to be “helpful,” casually mentions that Stanley had her “in the piledriver.” Tea then slyly asks Stanley to elaborate. Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .
“Ummm . . . is this going to be on the Virginity Test?”
For those of YOU out in TV Land who are wondering what the Piledriver is . . . ummmm . . . yeah . . . I’m not going to tell you. Sorry, but you just never know when the Parent Teacher Council is secretly reading your blog . . .
In order to pay the Pizza Man, Chris and Stanley head to the electronics store, to try to sell back the soundsystem that he had recently purchased for the party . . .
Unfortunately, the Ornery Sales Person at the counter notices some pastry inside the machine, and tells Chris that all sales are final. So, Chris and Stanley end up dumping the Sound System off at a junkyard, and exchanging it, and the wheelbarrow in which it came, for some drugs instead. They then head back to Chris’ house with nothing more than what appears to be a dime bag of Dirty Sanchez . . .
I’m still not sure how they paid that Pizza Guy . . .
Back at Chris’ house, while the rest of the crew is sleeping, Poor Smitten Cadie FINALLY gets the chance to GENUINELY cuddle up wth Stan . . .
Unfortunately for Cadie, all Stanley wants to think about, or talk about, is Michelle and her possibly disproportionate Tata’s. “Stanley, your hard-on is digging into my back,” she tells him.
“Oops . . . sorry,” Stanley replies, shifting himself into a more PG-rated position.
Chris’ Weiner would like you to know that HE would not be so easily bullied!
Eventually, everybody falls asleep. The following morning, Chris and Daisy are the only ones still awake. So, they gab together over coffee mugs filled with milk. The result of this, of course, is that both of them have the cutest Milk Staches EVER!
In hindsight, Chris would have been much better off hanging out with Daisy for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, however, all his friends eventually leave (Daisy included). So, he stumbles up to his bedroom for some much-needed shut eye . . . but not before having a little Dirty Sanchez Party, of his own . . .
The Awkward Moment When You Go to Pee in Your Shower and Find Some Homeless Dude Living in It . . .
As if things weren’t going bad enough for him already, Chris wakes up hungover as heck. He then goes to the bathroom, and learns that someone STOLE HIS TOILET. So, he steps into the shower, and turns on the water, only to be attacked by some homeless dude, who, eventually LOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE, while he is BUTT NAKED!
(Chris’ Tatas and Bum, stick their metaphoric tongues out at his Weiner in TRIUMPH! It’s THEIR TIME TO SHINE, NOW!)
Chris’ Dad’s a Total DICK! (Not to be confused with Chris’ Weiner, which is lovely.)
For reasons I don’t quite understand, rather than running to one of his friends’ homes, Chris dashes off to the school. The Skins Crew meets him there to give him some support. They also supply him with what appears to be the way too small t-shirt of an 8-year old girl, and some pants to wear. (Chris’ Belly Button CHEERS, “My turn, B*tches!”)
Teacher Tina is back, of course. And she wants to know what Chris plans to do about his living situation. Chris decides to try and live with his absentee father. Daisy agrees to accompany him to the guy’s home. While there, Chris’ Dad’s new wife, introduces Chris to the half-brother he never knew he had . . .
She also begins to show Daisy pictures of what she believes to be Chris as a baby. But the pictures actually end up being of Chris’ his brother Peter, who died very young. When Chris’ dad arrives home, he refuses to even SEE Chris. Devastated, the poor little guy dashes from his dad’s home, with Daisy hot on his heels.
Eventually, Chris arrives at his brother’s gravestone . . .
Once there, Chris shares with Daisy his most fond memory of his older brother, Peter. When Chris was a young child in day camp (or was it Boy Scouts? I honestly can’t remember), he apparently peed his pants in public. Rather than allow his little brother to be humiliated by his peers, Peter, who was a camp counselor at the time, lent Chris the pants off his bottom! Together, the siblings walked into the sunset hand -in-hand, one of them COMPLETELY PANTS FREE!
“Nobody laughed,” remarks Chris.
(Ummm . . . yeah, somehow I find THAT hard to believe . . .)
“Me too, and I was there!”
The Awkward Moment When Your Teacher Finds You Sleeping in the Trunk of Her Car . . .
Did I mention that Chris is LIVING Teacher Tina now? Or that she gave him a pet fish (pun sort of intended)? Or that he has inexplicably started taking her Estrogen Pills?
Yeah, because all THIS is not inappropriate, AT ALL!
Truthfully, not much happens at the end of the episode. Well . . . that’s not entirely true. Tea FINALLY shows us her Tatas at Tony’s house . . .
(Well, she shows THE CAST her tatas. We don’t really get to see anything — this, being the U.S. and all . . .)
And Tony. . . you guessed it . . . Stares Longingly at Tea and Pines for Love, as his little sister looks on with amusement . . .
“Oh, BROTHER! You are so obviously gay! Stop trying to pretend otherwise . . .”
Then the whole Skins crew piles on top of one another, which, contrary to what the Virginal Stanley would like you to believe, is NOT the same thing as a Piledriver . . . not even close . . .
And that was Skins, Episode 3, “Chris” in a nutshell. Next week, we watch as Cadie takes a lot of drugs, and Stares Longingly and Pines for Stanley’s Love some more. Surely, it will be a UNIQUE experience, unlike one we’ve EVER witnessed on this show . . . since the last time it aired.