Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 1 Recap “The Wars to Come”

Game of Thrones is back, Bitches! It’s Season 5. All the major players in the race to the Iron Throne have already been introduced.   And I only had to check the Wiki ten times to confirm the names of characters, instead of my usual 27, so progress, for me, anyway!

Like most premiere GOT episodes, “The Wars to Come” was less about big battle scenes, shocking beheadings, scandalous sex, and unintentionally humorous toilet bowl murders, and more about reintroducing and reconfiguring all the human chess pieces in this increasingly complicated, but thrilling, quest for World Domination.

Let’s review, shall we?

Once Upon a Time There Lived a Girl Who Was Kind of a Bitch . . . – Starring Flashback!Cersei and Unnamed Friend

Saucy Cersei and her handmaiden travel deep in the forest and come upon a witch. Cersei is disappointed she isn’t uglier and only has two eyes instead of three.  The witch seductively licks young Cersei’s blooded finger, upon the young girl’s demand to hear her future.

“Everyone wants to know their future, until they know their future,” the witch says wryly, offering the young royal three questions to sate her curiosity.

Like any pretty pretty princess, bratty Cersei wants to know if she will marry a prince and become Queen. Fortunately, the witch has watched the first four seasons of Game of Thrones on HBO, and has all the answers Cersei is seeking.

“Yes, you will marry a king,” the witch says.

Cersei is pleased. Because even saucy little girls still believe in fairytales. And she feels like she’s just been granted her happily ever after. She is not yet old enough to realize that being happy and being powerful can, at times, be mutually exclusive.

“Will we have children?” Cersei questions on.

That’s question two.

“The king will have twenty children, and but you will have only three,” the witch pronounces.

“But that doesn’t make sense,” whines young Cersei.

Oh to be young, dumb and innocent without access to HBO . . .

“Cold will be their crowns . . . cold as shrouds,” prophesizes the witch.

Then we hear cackling as we fade back into present day. Hmmmm . . . wonder what the third question would be? I’m thinking it might be something about when Botox will be invented. A Queen always does need to look her best, and her stiffest, after all   . . .

Meanwhile, back in present day . . .

Another Day, Another Family Member’s Corpse on top of which to Possibly Become Impregnated – Starring Cersei and Jamie

We all remember that controversial scene from last season, where Jamie kind of / sort of/ definitely did rape his sister Cersei literally on top of their incestuous son Little Shit Joffrey’s bulbous poisoned purple corpse.

Well, this season finds ole Cersei and Jamie communing over a casket once again, their father’s. Same room. Same creepy fake eyes over his real dead eyes. Only this time, the two have enough sense to keep their clothes on. So it’s much more PG, and much less like that “No means no” video on rape and sexual harassment you watched in your high school health class.

Cersei blames Jamie for indirectly killing their father, by freeing their brother Tyrion from captivity . . thereby allowing the latter to gouge out their father’s innards, as he relieved his bowels on the toilet, while taking a brief potty break from porking Tyrion’s love interest, Shae.

Well, if there’s one way to keep a man from getting randy, it’s by accusing him of murder and of being mildly mentally retarded. Way to go Cersei! If everyone spoke to their lovers like you do, we wouldn’t need those pesky condoms anymore.

I am the man in the box . . . – Starring Varys and Tyrion

Speaking of talk about bodily functions, this scene opens with a very graphic description, courtesy of Tyrion, of how one survives for days traveling from Kings Landing to Pentos inside a box with holes in it. Apparently, you just push your poop out of the holes and wait for someone (Varys) to retrieve them.

This is not the Tyrion of Season 1 and Season 2. The one that was jolly, hilarious, and all around friggin awesome. This Tyrion has a big ole face beard, and excels at precisely three things: box pooping, drinking, and feeling sorry for himself.

“The future is shit just like the past,” says Tyrion.

You can say that again, Tyrion!

A Hot Black Guy with No Balls Enters a Brothel . . . – Starring a Guy with No Balls

Did you hear the one about the guy with no balls, who goes into a brothel, just to get a little wholesome spooning and a nice lullaby?

Well, apparently he gets murdered by a guy in a mask from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut.

I think there was supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere, but apparently I missed it.

When Dany mother of dragons hears what happened to her ballless acquaintance, she views it as a sign of revolt from the good people of Mereen. She wants the peerless scarred buried publicly and with honor.

Missandei, Dany’s closest advisor, hears the awful story about the dead no-balls hot guy, and it somehow makes her confused / jealous. Women . . . am I right? She quickly asks her new beau, Grey worm, why a man unable to get an erection could possibly want to go to a whore house, if he can’t, you know, sample the merchandise?

Some folks just like to torture themselves, I guess . . . like former alcoholics who work in bars, blind folks who work in museums, and people who didn’t manage to find the leaked episodes of Game of Thrones who went on Tumblr and Twitter today . . .

Grey Worm doesn’t provide Missandei with this response, of course, knowing instinctively, that, when it comes to the people you sleep with, sometimes the best answer to dangerous questions like these is no answer at all.

Creepy Melissandre is creepy – Starring Jon Snow and Co. on the Wall

Some time has passed since last season, and it seems Gilly has seamlessly adapted to the role of Samwell Tarly’s nagging wife. “Why don’t you earn to fight like these men? Don’t let the bad wilding hating man send us away! Why do you always insist on leaving the toilet seat up when you go to the bathroom, but never change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty.”

Meanwhile, Jon Snow is meeting Lady in Red, Melissandre, for the first time. “Hi nice to meet you, I’m the lady that once gave birth to an evil black monster that killed Renly Baratheon. Are you, by chance a virgin?” She asks.

Not one for small talk, is she?

Jon admits that, unlike the unfortunate unsullied from earlier, he has, in fact sampled the merchandise of that adorable wilding ginger Ygritte.

Jon Snow used to “know nothing.” But, apparently, not anymore.

Melissandre seems ridiculously thrilled to hear this information, which would make me seriously worried, if I was Jon Snow. Usually witches only cast spells using virgin sacrifices, but it seems like our Lady in Red is quite willing to make an exception for this hot piece of man meat.

After completely creeping out Jon Snow, Melissandre takes him to meet her current bed friend, Lord Stannis. Grumpy Stannis has a proposition for his younger, hotter new pal. He knows that Jon has sympathies for the wildings, based on his Season 3 time as an undercover Wildling, and his ill-fated relationship with Ygritte. He also knows that he has some sway over their fearless leader, Mance Rayder.

Grumpy Stannis entreats Jon to convince the Wildlings, through Mance to fight alongside of Grumpy Stannis and help him to win the iron throne, in exchange for their freedom from further persecution by . . . . well, anyone who isn’t a Wilding, I guess. He tells Jon that he has until nightfall to convince the leader to bend the knee or, he dies.

Sir Robin of Wimpyness  –Starring Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger

For no other reason, I suspect, then to suggest the possibility of a positively ridiculous spinoff show, we learn that Dark!Sansa and Littlefinger, before jetting off on their journey toward World Domination, have smartly ditched the brat with an unhealthy love for his mother and for throwing people out the moon door, by dropping him off at a Sword Fighting School?

“He wields a sword like a girl with palsy,” says his would-be teacher.

Well, that wasn’t very nice. I’m sure some girls with palsy are really quite good with swords, when given the opportunity to practice . . .

Just like with Tyrion before her, it becomes quickly apparent that this isn’t your Older Sister’s Sansa Stark. Seasons 1 through 4’s Sansa was shy, quiet, meek, aggressively polite, and, at times, honestly, seemed a bit daft.

Dark!Sansa has a deeper, raspier voice, as if she spent the entire hiatus smoking two packs of cigarettes a day, and an icy cold mirthless demeanor that would give even the Icy Queen herself, Cersei Lannister some pause.   I guess this is what happens when you get a Littlefinger in you . . . 😉

Speaking of Cersei, Sansa and Little Finger are apparently traveling to a place where the evil the evil wench can’t find them. Disney World, perhaps?

Drinking the Kool Aid – Cersei and Lansel

Cersei’s cousin, Lancel, is so traumatized by his memories of sex with Cersei, that he shaves his head, dons a monk’s outfit, and joins over a religious cult known as the Faith of the Seven. This only proves that porking Cersei Lannister can only lead to the loss of things, like your hand, your bowels, your life, and your mind.

Her vajayjay is clearly poisonous.

Loras Tyrell – Loser at Life, Stallion in the Bedroom –Starring Loras, Margaery and Loras’ boy toy whose name I can’t remember

This scene is wholly not important, except that it contains the only consummated sex act of the episode between Loras and his beau. Margaery interrupts the pair and is totally cool with it. Margaery is just a pretty cool person all around . . . you know   . . . except for the whole marrying and seducing ten-year olds thing . . .

As Loras lounges nude in bed, post coitus, he casually discusses with Margaery their mutual bugaboo, Cersei, who is still sort of kind of betrothed to Loras. Loras posits that a marriage to him will get Cersei out of Kings Landing, and, thereby, out of Margaery’s hair for good. “Sure,” Margaery considers. “Then again, so will murdering her like my grandma murdered that little shit, Joffrey.”

Though, she says all this in a much more classy way than I could ever say it.

Margaery Tyrell . . . classiest pedophile ever.

In which Varys convinces Tyrion to join Team Mother of Dragons – Starring Tyrion and Varys again

Twenty minutes have passed, and Tyrion is still moaning and feeling sorry for himself. Hey, Tyrion, the death of Shae and Poop Murder of your father was so last season. Get over it.

Just kidding. It’s kind of sucked to be Tyrion, since sometime back in season two.

Varys makes it his personal mission to cheer up Tyrion, and get his ass back into slightly less inebriated fighting mode. He majorly talks up Dany as the new would-be, benevolent, but strong and firm, ruler of the iron throne. Varys hopes sincerely that Tyrion will meet with Dany and join the cause to help her rise to be queen over all those other assholes currently jockeying for the position. Tyrion agrees to take the trip, but only if he can get wasted on the way there. Fair enough, Tyrion. You’ve earned your drunk today.

Are you the Mother of Dragons or the Mother of Bitches? – Dany and Daario

The former rulers of Mereen, are willing to concede to the whole “no more slaves” thing, if they can reopen the fighting pits and watch all the people who used to wipe their butts beat the ever loving shit out of one another.

Dany is hesitant to accept this compromises, as she sees reopening the fighting pits as akin to the slavery she just abolished. Later Dany pillow talks about her quandary with her new beau, Daario. There are definitely too many people with weird, hard to spell, sound alike names beginning with “D,” “M,” and “J” on this show.  (It’s a good thing that “Dany” and I are on a nickname basis. She calls me Jewls, in case you were curious.)

Daario thinks Dany should reopen the pits. He recalls that learning to fight professionally gave his life purpose. Maybe it could do the same thing for some of these newly free weinerless folks. Dany wonders whether, by reopening the pits, she would be forsaking the very same people she had sworn to protect.

“You are not the mother of unsullied, you are the mother of dragons,” Daario replies.

He’s pretty suave, that Daario. No wonder he is the main love interest on every single cable show in existence right now

Speaking of the dragons, at least the two she didn’t set free, they are kind of pissed at her, for the whole locking them in the dungeon thing, and breathe fire at her, when she goes to visit them.

Teenagers. Can’t live with them, and apparently, it’s illegal to decapitate them . . .

Burning Man Festival – Wilding Edition – Starring Jon Snow and Mance Rader

As he promised to Stannis, Jon approaches Mance about joining the former’s army as being a better deal than, you know, being publicly burned alive and stuff. Mance admits that being burned to death in front of his followers would be a little painful and embarrassing. So much screaming like a girl, so much charred Mance bits flying at the crowd. But still, he has pride in himself and in his people, and isn’t willing to bargain away their freedom even if it means saving his own ass from becoming a meal at the local steakhouse.

“The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted,” Mance states solemnly.

He and Dany must have gotten the same fortune cookie on their last trip to the Chinese restaurant.

Later that night, as promised, Mance refuses to bend the knee to Stannis, and waits on the pyre to be burned in front of a throng of well and not-so-well wishers at an impromptu Burning Man festival on the wall.

But then, just as the flames start to licks Mance’s tatas, Jon Snow mercifully shoots an arrow at his heart, and kills him, before he has the chance to scream like a little girl.

The whole looking like a meal at the steakhouse part, though, that just couldn’t be helped, unfortunately.

And that was episode one of Game of Thrones in a nutshell. Toodles!

Baptism – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Kissed by Fire”

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Birth.  It is a new beginning . . . a fresh start . . . a clean slate . . . a single, hopeful, spot on the blank canvas of life.  When we are born, each and every one of us is pure and perfect apart from the whole poopy diaper thing.  It’s a state of being that occurs just once in our lifetime.

Rebirth, on the other hand is messier, and happens many times, throughout the course of a human life.  In a sense, we are reborn, each time we have children, marry, begin a new job, move to a new place, start a new school year, awaken in the morning.  The reborn are smudged, impure, and imperfect, baring within them the scars and blemishes of lives past.  But also they are endlessly hopeful, that this time, finally, they will get it right . . .

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“Kissed by Fire,” this week’s wet and wild episode of Game of Thrones, was all about baptism.  Each of the show’s characters experienced a sort of rebirth, during the course of the hour, whether it be through a soul cleansing confession, the loss of one’s virginity, or a literal rising from the dead.  Oh yeah, and we also got to see a lot of naked butts.

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Let’s review, shall we?

Way to Go, Jon Snow!

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It seems Littlefinger’s Male Escort Service has another promising candidate in its midst.    A few week’s back, if you recall, Podrick had his menage-a-TERRIFIC with the lovely ladies of the Lannister castle.

And this week, Jon Snow showed admirable prowess with respect to “kissing.” It seems that virgin lotharios are becoming about as common in Westeros as . . . well . . . decapitated corpses.

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Perhaps, there is something in the water?

Anywhoo, after a tense moment between Jon and his fellow Wildings — during which he was asked to expose, not only his former Knight Watch Brother’s various whereabouts, but also how many of them are in each location — Ygritte decided to distract her former-captive-turned-love-interest with an old-fashioned game of Phallic Item Keep Away.

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The pair take turns stroking Jon Snow’s sword a bit, when they realize that they have “inadvertently” stumbled upon a little love nest, complete with its very own waterfall!  Welcome to the sex scene setting for Every Romance Novel Ever Written . . .

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Never one to be known for her subtlety, Ygritte gets naked faster than you can say, her trademark catchphrase: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

And then she says it . . . because Jon tries to get laid with his clothes on!  Silly boy (those animal furs are mighty hard to penetrate)!  Had they used those kind of prophylactic measures, the wildings would have gone extinct years ago!

Jon Snow may know nothing about the joys of unprotected sex.  But he sure is a pro at making his lips speak a language that only ladies can understand, if you catch my drift.

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From the looks of it, Ygritte is clearly impressed by Jon Snow’s “multilingual talents.”  She wonders where he’s learned this impressive pet trick, especially considering the fact that, with the exception of his mother and MUCH younger “stepsisters,” he’s spent predominately all of his young life in the company of exclusively men.  “I just wanted to kiss you there,” Jon Snow demurs (Because, clearly, someone has smuggled the DVD version of Cruel Intentions into the Wildings tents.

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Next thing you know, Snow will be whipping Ygritte up a batch of that “Special Tea from Long Island.”)

Then again, Ygritte doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who requires liquid encouragement to play the Game of Bones, where everybody is a winner, and uniforms are optional.  I mean, this girl wasn’t “kissed by fire,” for nothing.  Now, come on ladies, you didn’t think a cable channel like HBO would hire an actor like Kit Harington, and NOT separate him from his direwolf wear at least once, do you?  It’s time for these two crazy Wildings to get wild!

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After its all over, Snow adorably admits to his heretofore virginal status, while Ygritte cops to having a bit more . . . OK . . . a lot more experience.

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Now, before you judge little Ygritte, please consider the fact that she spends most of her time in a hut with a bunch of barbarians, and . . . well . . . not much else.  (No HBO for her!)  I mean, there’s only so many times you can watch that kooky guy “commune with crows,” and make snow angels admits the dead horses.  A girl’s gotta keep herself entertained!

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Ygritte tries to defuse an awkward situation, by reminding Jon Snow that he probably hasn’t bathed since his baptism.  And the two go for a swim.  It’s a quietly sweet romantic moment, that almost seems out of place on a show where everyone always seems to be in the process of being burned alive, bludgeoned, or having their appendages chopped off . . .

In other “adult-oriented” news . . .

Loose Lips Sink Loras

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Loras Tyrell.  This is a character whose three claims to fame are, in no particular order: (1) being the secret lover of the best looking Dead Baratheon Brother . . .

(2) expertly impersonating the Best Looking Dead Baratheon Brother on the battlefield . . . and

(3) being the only guy in Westeros with a perm?

Now, we can add Egregious Over-Sharer During Post Coital Cuddles to that list!  Like Ygritte before him, one of Loras’ trusty man servants (a Macauley Culkin-looking guy we haven’t seen up to this point, and may never see again), deftly equates swordplay with foreplay, as he suggestively fondles Loras’ man bits, while offering to “serve him.”  Thanks to Renly’s fine tutelage, Loras at least knew enough to take his clothes off, before all this “serving” began.

But, while Jon Snow tends to be more of the strong and silent type, Loras is a real Chatty Cathy in the sack.  And it isn’t long before he spills the beans to Macauley Guy about his future nuptials to Sansa Stark.  Macauley Guy promptly shares this news with Littlefinger, as he was undoubtedly paid to do.  (See?  I was totally right about Littlefinger’s burgeoning male escort business.)

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Off With His Head . . .

Cute kids and pets are two species I never want murdered on my TV screen.  So when that Karstark guy and his men killed those seemingly innocent little Lannister captures in their bed chambers, to avenge his own son’s demise, I was all for Robb Stark chopping his head off.

I felt this way, even though I recognized that, politically, this was a terrible decision . . . one that only served to further alienate the King of the North from the few families that offered him their allegiance.   I also got the impression that the public decapitation (which Robb honorably performed himself, as Papa Ned taught him to do) had more to do with Robb’s wounded pride, over being directly disobeyed than any sense of empathy or fondness he had for these young murdered children.

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And, of course, anyone whose ever read Shakespeare knows that being cursed by a dying guy, who lost his life as a result of a Family Feud is very bad luck indeed   . . .

I suggest you sleep with one eye open Robb Stark.

Speaking of one eye . . .

The Many Lives of Beric Dondarrion

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Arya loses her religion (not that she was ever particularly religious to begin with), when the Hound wins his Trial by Battle, despite the fact that he was TOTALLY guilty of killing Arya’s childhood friend.

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So, you can imagine her surprise, when the seemingly dead Beric Dondarrion, pops up, after being slain in battle, as if he was merely taking a nap.  Beric admits to Arya that prayers to the “Lord of Light” have “woken” him from the dead, no less than six times.  He’s like Kenny from South Park, only with a cool eye patch in place of the orange hoodie.

Arya hopefully requests that the Lord of Light re-attach her departed father’s head to his body.  But Beric isn’t sure it works that way . . .

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Poor Arya, let down by the Lord of Light twice in one night.  And she’s about to be let down, once again.  The following morning she learns that her pal Gendry will not be traveling on with her back to the Starks.  Rather, like Hot Pie before him, he will be sticking around with the crews previous captors.  Gendry likes the camaraderie and democratic style  of the Brotherhood without Banners.  He hopes they could provide him with the family this bastard son of Robert Baratheon never had.

Arya hopes her good friend will reconsider.  And offers him an alternative suggestion.

Sweet, Gendry.  But it doesn’t really make up for the fact that you are leaving “your lady” alone with One Eye Guy, and trusting that he’ll bring her to her family, like he promised.  Unfortunately, few people ever seem to do what they promise, where Arya is concerned.  That’s why her list of “People to Kill” grows with each episode . . .

That said, I love the dynamic between Arya and Gendry, and hope they get the opportunity to reconnect, later in the series.

Why Everyone Should Name Their Kid Grey Worm . . .

It’s been a pretty busy day for everyone’s favorite Dragon Mommy.  She laid siege to a city, garnered an entire army, and freed a population of slaves, all in the span of about 15 minutes!  Way to make the rest of us feel lazy, Dany!

In this week’s episode, we see Dany trying her hand at politics, when she asks her new army of unsullied to democratically select amongst themselves, who they wish to have as their general.  And I gotta say, those unsullied have damn good taste!  The guy they choose is pretty hot . . . not that being hot necessarily translates to being a good army general.  But it certainly can’t hurt.

Dany is horrified and saddened to learn that her new army general, like the rest of the unsullied, has been forced to take a name whose purpose is to dehumanize and degrade him.  Greyworm . . . it sounds like one of those weird names celebrities choose for their kids.

So, Dany encourages all the now-free unsullied to choose their OWN names.  Pretty cool right?

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Except that Grey Worm ultimately chooses . . . “Greyworm.”  In his defense, his explanation for choosing such an awful name is pretty awesome.

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Awww!  That’s sweet.  Now, I wanna be named Grey Worm!  From now on, please consider this website Grey Worm Recappers Anonymous!

It All Comes Out in the Wash . . .

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Rub, a dub, dub . . . Jamie Lannister and Brienne are sharing a tub!

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Even though he’s down a hand, and looks like his body hasn’t touched water in days, Jamie’s still packing heat where it counts, if you catch my drift.  And as a result, he is not the least bit shy about showing his wares to the androgynous Brienne.  If Game of Thrones was a romantic comedy or sitcom, these two would be that couple that started out despising one another, and ended up humping like bunnies . . .

Take for example, this scene, during which Jamie teases Brienne about her inability to bring him back to the Lannister’s in “one piece.”  The joking accusation enrages Brienne so much that she forgets her nudity, and rises from the tub in all her bare bummed splendor.  Briennes taking of offense to Jamie’s joke, softens him.  He admits to her that he trusts her and is tired of fighting.

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That admission ultimately leads to an even larger one.  In a remarkably well acted and poignant speech, Jamie tells Brienne the story of how he got the name Kingslayer.  As it turns out, Jamie broke his oath as a knight and killed the king, not for power or any other lofty purposes, but rather because the Mad King wanted to lay siege to his entire city, and asked that Jamie murder his own father.

Overtaken with the emotion of his confession, Jamie faints, causing Brienne to rush forward and clutch him in her arms, like a concerned lover.  She shouts his name out, in a cry for help.

“The Kingslayer.”

But Jamie corrects her . . .

Hooked on Phonics, Worked for Davos . . .

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So, apparently Stannis Grumpy Pants has a daughter, who despite some facial scarring, is way cooler and perkier, than anyone sharing genes with Stannis has any right to be.  (Maybe she gets it from her mother.)  Despite being told that Stannis’ former right-hand man Davos is a traitor to the cause, she sneaks off to visit the man, who she considers a dear friend.  She brings him books to read during his incarceration.  And when Davos admits he is unable to read them.  She offers to teach him herself.

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All together now.  “Awwwww . . .”

The World’s First Test Tube Babies?

You know what’s not “Awwww?”  Dead babies in bottles of green gunk.

Remember I said that Stannis’ wife must be a nice lady to have such a sweet daughter.  Well, nice she may be, but she sure is looney tunes.  Apparently, Mrs. Baratheon has been having some difficulty conceiving Stannis a strapping male heir.   And you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, store the evidence of your mistakes in a jar in your basement . . .

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Stannis pops by his wife’s Dead Baby Museum, feeling a whole lot of guilt about schtupping the red-headed Melissandre, while wifey was sitting home staring at baby food jars  . . .

But Mother of Test Tube Babies says it’s TOTALLY COOL that Stannis is boinking Melissandre.  After all, she’s down with the “Lord of the Light,” and has the capacity to make male babies, something Mrs. Baratheon might never be able to do . . .

Tsk, tsk Mrs. Baratheon, you’ve just pushed the woman’s movement back to the Middle Ages.  Then again, since that’s when this story takes place, I guess that’s not so bad . . .

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Last but not least . . .

The Millionaire Matchmaker

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Oh, Tywin Lannister!  Your douchebaggery knows no bounds.  In the final moments of this week’s Game of Thrones, Tywin orchestrated marriages for not one but TWO of his children, both of whom are well in their thirties.  .

For the past few week’s Sansa Stark has been the topic of everyone’s conversation over in Lannister Land.  She’s young, she’s pretty.  And despite her father’s recently headless status, she seems to be the key to gain the favor of the North, a necessary step to achieving the Iron Throne.

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And just when it seemed like Sansa would end up either married to Big Gay Loras, or whisked away to points unknown with the sly and slimy Littlefinger, Tywin introduces a surprise third option.  Sansa Stark will marry .  . . Tyrion?

The Lannister clan’s most petite member is horrified on Sansa’s behalf.  He argues that being saddled with yet another Lannister, after that evil wretch Joffrey murdered her father, and brutally abused her, would be a terrible punishment for the innocent maiden.  Plus . . .. welll . . . dude’s kind of old enough to be her dad.

Cersei, of course, thinks this is hilarious, since her brother’s misfortune is always her greatest joy.

But it’s ultimately Tyrion who gets the last laugh. Because Tywin has a marriage in mind for Cersei too.  Loras Tyrell!

Now, under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t seem like such a bad deal.  I mean, apart from the bad perm, Loras is pretty adorable.  (Though, I suspect the whole “making babies with ladies” thing, is not really up his alley.)  But, lest we forget, Cersei’s heart belongs to another . . . her brother.

And the thought of marrying yet another person, who is not a blood relation, horrifies Cersei to her core.  Ahh, parting with incestuous love is such great sorrow . . .

See ya next week, Westeros!

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