Once Upon a Time’s Recent Reconstructive Surgery Will Render It Nearly Unrecognizable In Season 7, But It’s Far From the First Show to Go Under the Knife

(soon to be cross-posted at Agony Booth.com)

After her memorable portrayal of the earnest and refreshingly relatable Baby Houseman in the original Dirty Dancing (not to be confused with the atrocious remake that will appear on ABC this week), actress Jennifer Grey seemed destined for a long and glorious Hollywood career. And then she went and got a nose job.

Though her talent agents undoubtedly praised her new appearance as being more in line with the American Beauty Standards of the day, Grey and her new nose no longer resembled the strong-willed teen that nobody was allowed to “put in a corner.” The surgery nearly ended her career. And though the actress does occasionally appear on TV and film (most recently as the real estate agent mother of the main character in the Amazon series Red Oaks), one can’t help but wonder what might have been had she refused Hollywood pressure to go under the knife.

Television series are a bit like Jennifer Grey’s face, I think. Over time, they are naturally going to age, and evolve as seasons pass. But if they change too much, or too quickly, from what made fans like them in the first place, those changes will undoubtedly result in the series’ demise.

This past week, in a two-hour season finale that I wasn’t able to timely recap because I was overseas, Once Upon a Time closed the storybook on its sixth season. It was an episode that could have functioned as a series finale, had the show not been picked up for a seventh season. Emma Swan, the series’ main protagonist, fulfilled the Prophecy of Saviors by sacrificing her own life to protect goodness against evil, only to have her life restored at the last minute by the ever-abused Plot Band-Aid that is “True Love’s Kiss.” Rumple, the series’ on again, off again (but mostly on again) peripheral baddie, took grand steps toward redemption by killing his own mother, the Black Fairy, who also so happened to be the Big Bad of the Season. In doing so, Rumple (1) broke the curse that his Mommy placed on the town, (2) reunited with the love of his life, the much put-upon and criminally underutilized character, Belle, and (3) got a second chance to raise his son Gideon, who was conveniently reverted from troubled 28-year old man with a perma-scowl to baby boy following the final battle.

The show even went as far as to add a series-ending-esque musical montage epilogue to the finale, which depicted each of the main characters experiencing their so-called happy ending, by returning to their respective loved ones and resuming “business as usual” in the much-abused town of Storybrooke.

Had Once Upon a Time ended with its sixth season, it would have been a respectable run for the series, by any stretch of the imagination. At 133 episodes (22 to 23 per season, which is almost unheard of in this current culture of “sexy” 9-to-10 episode truncated season runs), Once boasts 12 more episodes than the uber successful and generally beloved (except for maybe it’s series finale) Lost, another ABC series that coincidentally featured the same writing team as Once.

The series is also well over the “age limit” generally required for syndication (four seasons). This means that, after Once ends, it’s pretty much guaranteed a second life in reruns and re-airings, both in the U.S. and overseas.

Up until a few weeks ago, at least, a sixth season run seemed precisely where Once Upon a Time was headed. This seemed particularly true, in the wake of news that nearly three-quarters of the original cast (most notably, Jennifer Morrison who plays main protagonist Emma, and series stars Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin, who play Prince Charming and Snow White, respectively) would not be returning to the show for future seasons. In addition to a truncated cast, the show was also struggling HARD in the ratings department. Having garnered a respectable average of around 11 million viewers per episode in its first season, by its sixth, the show was averaging less than 3 million. To add insult to injury, ABC had recently announced plans to move the series from its six-year home on Sunday nights to the dreaded Friday night death slot.

That’s right, Emma. Drink away the pain!

And yet, despite all this, the Once Upon a Time was renewed, and its showrunners decided to continue the saga for an unlikely seventh season. With virtually none of its original cast returning, the showrunners decided to pitch the season as a reboot of sorts. The plot would now focus on Emma’s son, Henry Mills (now grown, and played, understandably, by an older, and much more attractive, actor) and his scrappy daughter.

Puberty has been REALLY kind to you, Henry!

Cast veterans Lana Parilla (who plays the Evil Queen), Collin O’Donohue (who plays Captain Hook), and Robert Carlyle (who plays Rumplestiltskin) would reportedly continue on with the series, though their role in this restructured show, at least, at this point, is uncertain.

It wouldn’t be the first time that a long running show was forced to shift gears in later seasons, as a result of cast member departures and/or flagging ratings. Medical drama ER (which lasted on air for a whopping 15 seasons), and its contemporary Hot Doc Show, Grey’s Anatomy (still going strong after an impressive 13 seasons) have both made a point of casually introducing new cast members each season by cycling through classes of medical interns. This is a clever way for a show to test out the likability of new cast members on a smaller scale, and, if they pass the ratings test, gradually increasing their roles on the series, so that they can eventually take the place of primary cast members, should they eventually decide to depart from the series. To date, only four of the original Grey’s Anatomy cast members still remain on the show.

Perhaps, no series has been more successful at cycling through cast members than the Canadian high school drama, Degrassi, which has been on air in some form since as early as 1982! Using a similar model to Greys and ER, Degrassi is known for introducing a new class of freshman students each year, and gradually shifting focus toward those students, as older characters graduate from high school, and the cast members who play them depart the show. In fact, Degrassi has been shuffling cast members for so long that some of its original cast members now play the middle-aged parents of characters who recently graduated from college, and subsequently were married to one another. And you know what that means . . . Degrassi Grandparents aren’t out of the realm of possibility in seasons to come.

Other series have been forced to make abrupt changes in their main cast lists, as a result of the sudden departures of series’ protagonists. Pitched as a family drama revolving around a father raising teenage daughters, and based on a book with the same name, 8 Simple Rules, had to switch some pretty serious gears after its first season, following the untimely death of John Ritter, who played the show’s patriarch. David Spade and James Garner were brought on for the show’s final two seasons as family members’ of the main characters.

Spin City a sitcom about the goings on in NYC local government lost its star Michael J. Fox after four seasons, as a result of the increased severity of his Parkinson’s disease. Fox was replaced by Charlie Sheen, who played a different character, naturally, for the series’ final two seasons.

Sheen went on to star alongside John Cryer on Two and a Half Men, which lasted for 12 seasons on air. Coincidentally, this time, it was Sheen’s turn to depart a successful series, as a result of his own misbehavior and issues with substance abuse, around season 8. Sheen was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, as a series co-lead. The latter’s tenure on the show lasted for four seasons, and ended only when the series was cancelled in 2015.

The aforementioned series are all shining examples of moderately to majorly successful cast member replacements. And it was these examples the showrunners’ of Once Upon a Time undoubtedly cited in the writers’ room, when they were pitching the idea of continuing their series without most of the original cast.

However, unlike all of these shows, Once has not had the opportunity to gradually introduce or test out its new leading cast members, Andrew J. West of The Walking Dead and Alison Fernandez of Jane the Virgin. (Though both characters were featured in the series finale, they had a combined screen time of less than five minutes.) And while three of the original cast members still plan to continue on with the series, in order to provide some consistency and appease loyal fans, the veterans’ chemistry with the new additions to the cast still remains a question mark, as the two new additions to the cast appeared in scenes only with one another during the finale.

Regina: “Who is the new hot guy with the little girl?” Emma: “I think that’s supposed to be our son and his kid.” Regina: “So, basically, in the last five seconds, I just learned I’m a grandparent at 40. I also inadvertently expressed attraction to my own child. So much to talk about in my next therapy session with Jiminey Cricket.”

Nonetheless, the showrunners of Once remain cautiously optimistic about the new direction in which the show is headed in its seventh season. “It’s like a new book. So, we’re starting with new stories. Although it’s going to have some of the people that we’ve loved for six years at the center of it, we are going to meet new people and new worlds,” Executive producer Adam Horowitz explained in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly.

New people. New worlds. New time slot. New cast members. In fact, the series name will be just about the only thing Once Upon a Time will retain this fall from its first six seasons. But new and different doesn’t always mean better, as Jennifer Grey’s nose will most certainly confirm. And so Once Upon a Time has headed to hiatus, leaving fans with the greatest cliffhanger of all. Will this series will be able to survive its forced reconstructive surgery, and obtain it’s long awaited Happily Ever After in Syndication Land? Only time will tell . . .

Rocking OUT at Seattle Grace, Mercy Death! – Some thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy’s Musical Episode “Song Beneath a Song”

If Sue Sylvester and that Kurt Kid show up in this dream, I am SO outta here!

“She works here at Seattle Grace Mercy Death.  So, I’m sure she’s pretty much going to go crazy, or get cancer, or shot by a gunman or hit by a truck,” remarks Alex Karev, this week, upon being asked about the prospects of him and his Latest Love Interest making it for the “long haul.”

That’s right, Karev!  You have TERRIBLE luck with the Ladies on this Show!  And the Ladies on this Show have terrible luck with . . . well . . . EVERYTHING!

Awww . . . remember back when it was just these three . . . and Dead George . . . and Cancer Izzie?  Good times!

This “We’re Hot Doctors, So Why Do Our Lives Consistently Suck So Badly?” sentiment was echoed later in the episode, by Meredith Grey, who, in an uncharacteristically (but oh-so-poignant) emotional elevator scene, turned to her Post-It Note Husband Derek, and said, “The universe is so screwed up, and random, and mean.” 

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Sing it, SISTA!

Speaking of singing . . . you might have noticed that this was the Musical Episode of Grey’s Anatomy.  And WHY was everyone singing, you ask?  Well, because CALLIE TORRES was hit by a truck, of course! 

Believe it, or not.   This actually isn’t as cruel and inappropriate as it sounds!  You see, in Callie’s final moments of consciousness, before she LITERALLY left her body (a coping mechanism, employed by her traumatized brain, to cope with the pain of the accident), she managed to utter the word “music.”  And it was “music” that enabled Callie’s mind to understand what was happening to her and her unborn child, while being given the opportunity to connect with the people she loved. 

Because, if Callie Torres’ Extra Special Vagina Vote wants to see Singing Hallucinations of her Friends, while she’s on the operating table, Callie is going to GET Singing Hallucinations, dammit!

Now . . . the fact that ONE of those hallucinations featured all of the Grey’s couples BONING one another, while happily singing “Running on Sunshine,” as Callie NEARLY BLED TO DEATH on the operating table . . . THAT was cruel and inappropriate!

“I feel like there’s something I should be doing right now . . . besides you .  . . and I can’t, for the life of me, remember what it is!”

“HELLO!  IT’S ME . . . CALLIE!  DYING HERE!  You think maybe one of you Strapping Specimens of Men could put it back in your pants long enough to  . . . I don’t know . . . save MY LIFE?”

Of course, most of the singing during the episode was brought to the fans, courtesy of Callie, herself.  Consequently, this gave actress Sara Ramirez (who has a background in theater, and even won a Tony for her performance in Spamalot, back in 2005) the opportunity to flex her musical pipes for fans, like me, who have never had the chance to hear her sing before.  Of all of Sara’s performances during the hour, my favorite, was probably her cover of Brandi Carlile’s “The Story.” Callie sang this uplifting tune in the final moments of the episode, moments before waking up, FOR REAL, and belatedly accepting Arizona’s initially ill-fated marriage proposal.

“I’ll marry you . . . yes.”

As for the rest of the episode, it was kind of a mixed bag for me.  Interestingly enough, my favorite moments from the episode were mostly the non-musical ones.  These included the marriage proposal acceptance, shown here, and Meredith’s emotional elevator breakdown, shown above.  I also adored the quiet moments of friendship and understanding shared between Lexie and Mark during the episode (“I don’t hate you.”), and the less quiet ones between Arizona and Mark.  (“You are not nothing.”) 

Speaking of Mark Sloan, Eric Dane’s heart-wrenching performance this week was top notch . . . the best I’ve seen from the actor at least, while still wearing all his clothes in a long time.

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(Oh . . . and, for the record, his singing voice is pretty awesome too.)

The Arizona / Callie / Mark triangle took a major step in the right direction tonight, with Arizona FINALLY learning to put their baby’s needs first (By the way, it’s a GIRL!), and Mark FINALLY learning to put Callie’s needs first.  It was Callie’s and Mark’s respective shifts in ideology that brought about the truce that ultimately binded these heretofore perpetually-at odds-characters together, toward the end of the episode.

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A similar ideological shift happened for Lexie, who, upon taking a step outside of her own personal melodrama, for a change, was finally able to, if not necessarily forgive Mark for his “Unfortunate Sperm Donation”  . . .

“We were ON A BREAK!”

 . . . at least, accept it enough to support him in his Hour of Need.

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And it was that acceptance, that ultimately gave Lexie the courage to truly give her budding relationship with the SUPER FLY Jackson Avery a fighting chance to survive, in the long term.

More of THAT, please!

Speaking of Lexie, Chyler Leigh’s rendition of Anna Nalick’s 2 A.M. Breathe, was extremely impressive, especially considering the actress had no musical training before filming this episode.  Of all the songs that wound their way into the hour, this one (in my opinion, at least) came about the most naturally, in terms of the episode’s plotline.  And, as a result, it seemed the least forced.

Less believable for me was Gyno Lucy (I’m still not feeling this character . . . or her relationship with Karev, for that matter . . . AT ALL!) . . .

Dr. McUselessPlotDevice

 . . . and her sudden admission that she was “out of her depth” in taking care of the pregnant Callie.  Presumably, Lucy’s temporary bout of Selective Amnesia for Everything She Learned in Medical School only occurred, so that Saint Addison Montgomery could miraculously (and oh-so-conveniently) be flown into town to Save the Day, as per usual. 

(By the way, is there something in Kate Walsh’s Private Practice contract that REQUIRES Shondra Rhimes to inexplicably include her about every fourth Grey’s episode for NO REASON WHATSOEVER?)

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Oh . . . and don’t even get me started on Teddy’s random and out-of-character outburst directed toward Cristina.  Silly Yang!  How DARE she have the NERVE to come up with a plan to save Callie’s and her baby’s” lives, without Teddy patting her on the head, and giving her a lollipop, first!  “I can’t teach you, anymore,” Teddy huffed, before blowing Cristina a raspberry, sticking her thumb in her mouth, and running out of the room, crying.

First of all, when was the last time Teddy actually TAUGHT Cristina? 

“It was . . . no that wasn’t it . . . Well, then it had to be . . . no, that wasn’t it either.  Perhaps, it . . . no.  I’m stumped.”

While we are on the subject of Teddy, when did Callie’s near death experience suddenly become all about Dr. McMajorStickUpHer Ass’s inferiority complex, and need to be hero worshipped by all people, at all times?

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Be careful, Noel from Felicity!  Cristina may have to work with her, but YOU’RE the one who’s going to have to evenually take her home!

“I am SO screwed!”

And while I thought it was appropriate and rather cheesy fitting, that the episode climaxed (Yes, I intended for that to sound dirty.), with the entire cast singing The Fray’s “How to Save a Life,” I couldn’t help but wonder why saving Callie’s life REQUIRED the whole cast.  I shudder to imagine what the heck was happening to the OTHER 3,000 or so patients DYING in the hospital, while all of Seattle Grace’s finest medical experts were busy enjoying their impromptu karaoke session . . .

“The good news is, if they bring in another Crazed Gunman, he will know exactly where to find us all!”

Speaking of karaoke, I also probably could have done with a FEW less songs packed into the hour.  (I mean, you’ve gotta leave SOMETHING over for the sequel, right, Shondra Rhimes?)  Because one Kevin McKidd solo is cool.   Two is OK . . . but FOUR?  I mean . . . let’s face it, Justin Timberlake, he’s definitely NOT!

Though, admittedly, a Dick in the Box cover would have REALLY spiced things up a bit for this episode . . .

Maybe next time, McKidd!

All in all, I thought Grey’s experiment with musicality was an intriguing little exercise, the making of which obviously took a great deal of preparation, courage, and considerable “guts,” on the part of Shondra Rhimes, and her intrepid staff of “Greysies.”  And, although the hour wasn’t necessarily positively received by all who viewed it, it certainly sparked more “water cooler” and online conversations about the show, than I’ve heard “through the grapevine” in a while . . .

So, what did YOU think about Grey’s Big Musical Extravaganza?  Did it leave you tapping your feet, and begging for more . . .

. . . or holding your ears, and begging for mercy?

Feel free to sound off in the comments section, below.

[www.juliekushner.com]

THANK YOU, Grey’s Anatomy (and Jesse Williams a.k.a. Jackson Avery)!

Now THAT’s ANATOMY!

I have a teensy confession to make.  I’ve been neglecting Grey’s Anatomy a bit, lately.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I adore the show, and HAVE adored it since it premiered back in 2004.  I’ve just been getting a smidge bogged down with my other television recapping obligations.  And, for whatever reason, this has been one of the shows that has slipped under my radar, in recent weeks . . .

I probably deserved that, Lexie!

But then came Thursday night’s episode, entitled “P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing),” and its introduction of the new, highly shippable, potential pairing of the brilliant, quirky, and a tad over-excitable, Lexie Grey, with the Dreamy-Eyed Body God of Porcelain Perfection, Jackson Avery. 

I may or may not have done something like THIS, when it happened on my screen . . .

Ever since Jackson Avery entered my Grey’s world a few seasons back, I’ve been cursing the television writer gods for (1) NEVER allowing his character to be part of the satisfactory pairing he so richly deserves; and (2) rarely ever allowing him to TAKE OFF HIS SHIRT . . .

(And by “rarely ever” I mean, “not EVERY WEEK”  . . . and, therefore, “NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.”) 

But times, they are a-changin’ on Grey’s Anatomy.  And Jackson?  He’s a-undressin’ . . . slowly, and sensually, like the enchanting Doctor-by-Day / Male Stripper-by-Night, we all know he COULD be.  So, if my hunch is correct, we will be seeing a whole lot more of HIM, and that half-nude beautiful body of his, on-screen, in coming weeks.  And for that, we have THIS girl to thank . . .

 .  . . for being so charming, funny, and currently, so very vulnerable.  We also have THIS GUY to thank . . .

 . . . for (1) knocking up his Lesbian Bestie, Callie; (2) not telling his girlfriend, Lexie, about it, until it was WAY TOO LATE ; and (3)  inadvertently, setting the wheels in motion for this inevitable relationship.

So, why am I so excited about a Lexie and Avery coupling . . . aside from the OBVIOUS, of course?

Well, for starters, this pairing has begun precisely the way I like my ships to begin: with HER involved with someone else, and him pining for her quietly, and miserably, on the sidelines — his crystalline blue-green eyes, filled with unrequited attraction, longing and loneliness . . .  (I guess that makes me a sadist?)

Or maybe just a Hot-ist?

Lexie, like many of the female characters in my prized SHIPS, is going through her own angst, right now.  She’s feeling angry, alienated, and betrayed by the man she loves.  And, as a result, she is COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to her new suitor’s affection for her.  (She’s also, apparently, blind . . .)

Then again . . . maybe not so blind . . .

Would someone please retrieve Lexie’s panties from the floor and mine?

For those of you who are thinking that Jackson’s attraction for Lexie began just this week . . . well . . . I beg to differ  .  . .

 And for those of you who are assuming that this is the first time Lexie (who’s Jackson’s ROOMMATE, after all!) has been mesmerized by the Good Doctor’s hot half-naked body . . . well . . . I would have to disagree . . .

No sense reaching out to grab IT Lexie, IT already left the room, 5 minutes ago, to take a shower . . . But if you run in there right now, you might be able to catch IT . . .

Up until this point, Lexie’s and Jackson’s attraction to one another, has always been something alluded to subtly . . . every few episodes or so . . . but never specifically addressed.  However, this week, was the first time we really got to see Jackson and Lexie connect on an emotional level.  Sure, Jackson may have started talking up Lexie, and plying her with chocolates, because his “boss” promised to provide him with career opportunities, if he did so . . .   (Yeah, because THAT’s not inappropriate, at all!) 

“No, Mark Sloan!  I will not be in a threesome with you and Lexie, no matter how many times you ask!”

And yet, by the episode’s end, Jackson’s desire to support Lexie during her time of need took on a whole new meaning for him, entirely.  As a result, those temporarily dormant feelings that he had, deep down, always possessed for her, bubbled to the surface once again . . .

Now Jackson is HUNGRY for Lexie’s . . . chocolate.

You can watch the bloomings of this new and incredible SHIP, right here, right now, by clicking on the link below  . . . (You’re welcome!)

And as for you, Grey’s Anatomy?  Rest assured you have regained my FULL and UNDIVIDED attention, once again!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Sucking Up is Hard to Do – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Start Me Up”

We feel your pain, Callie!  We didn’t want you involved in a Bad Pregnancy Storyline, either . . .

Sucking up . . . Kissing up . . . Brown nosing . . . Kissing ass . . . whatever term you have for it, it’s a skill!  It might not necessarily be an admirable skill, or an ethical skill, but it is a skill, nonetheless.  “Sucking up” is something that doesn’t come naturally to most people.  For one thing, it involves some serious acting.  And not everyone can be an actor.  But, perhaps, more importantly, sucking up well requires a certain amount of pride swallowing, which NOBODY likes to do . . .

 . . . least of all, a bunch of over-achieving, super smart, and extremely arrogant, doctors!  (Is it any wonder, Seattle Grace is filled with so much HOT AIR?)

Well . . . yes . . . THAT too . . . but I was more referring to this kind of “hot air.”

Like it or not, nearly every single character on this show was forced to swallow a bit of their pride this week.  And not all of them succeeded in doing so . . .

McDreamy Sex, Peeing on Sticks, and Poop-Covered Babies . . .

When the episode begins, Meredith and Derek are seated on the edge of their bed, woefully examining the evidence of their non-pregnancy.  Somewhere inside Meredith’s lower abdomen, her Hostile Uterus is pumping his fist in triumph to the theme song from Rocky . . .

“I am the champion, my friends.  And I’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.”

Rather than suck up her pride, and admit that Hostile Uterus is a worthy contender, Cristina suggests that Meredith “battle” said Uterus, in the same way that little kids “battle” the Boogey Man under their beds:  i.e. “Simply pretend it doesn’t exist, and maybe it will go away!”  Yes, boys and girls, DOCTOR Meredith Grey thought she could beat Hostile Uterus into submission by buying TEN PREGNANCY TESTS, and peeing on ALL OF THEM!

Neonatal Surgeon, Addison Montgomery, does NOT approve . . .

Later, when Meredith complains to Cristina about how gosh darn exhausting it is to pee on sticks all day, Cristina wisely notes that Poop-Covered Babies are much MORE exhausting .  . . “What makes you think my baby will be Poop-Covered?”  Meredith asks, defensively.

Oh, Meredith . . . you have so very much to learn . . .

Meredith’s and McDreamy’s Future McBaby

Oh BABY!

Meredith isn’t the only one failing miserably at swallowing her pride this week.  Arizona, herself, is forced to admit that she (gasp!) has FAULTS, when Callie (1) refuses to forgive her for going to Malawi; and (2) pretty much treats her like crap for the entire episode.  It all starts when Arizona buys out Callie’s subleters overnight, and moves back into the apartment they once shared together. 

 (You’ll notice that this is the second time that Callie has woken up to find that Arizona has been lurking around her home, while she slept.  It’s a little creepy . . . I’m not going to lie.)

After calling her “self-centered,” “selfish,” and a whole bunch of other VERY mean names, Callie decides to REALLY let Arizona know how she feels about her.  “I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want you in my life.  Get your crap out of my apartment.”

Ummm . . . Ouch?

Far from being put off by Callie’s 85,00th rejection of her since she’s returned, the clearly deluded optimistic Arizona remarks to a very embarrassed Mark, who has quietly watched the entire exchange,  “It’s good that she’s mad.  It means she feels something.”

(Oh . . . she feels something, all right.  She feels like she wants to CUT YOU!)

Be afraid, Arizona.  Be VERY AFRAID!

When Arizona explains to Mark that she doesn’t know any of her own flaws (aside from being a workaholic and smoking sometimes, of course), Mark seems more than happy to help her out  . . .

Throughout the course of the episode, while Arizona and Mark argue the merits of putting cadaver bones versus human bones in some teen’s face, so that she can play sports (Don’t ask.  I didn’t really get it either.), Mark tells Arizona that she is patronizing, passive aggressive, stubborn, doesn’t listen, and basically has a whole host of other things that are wrong with her.  (Because, clearly, this was Poop on Arizona Day on Grey’s Anatomy). 

But the biggest FLAW Arizona has, is that she is a “bailer.”  In other words, when the going get tough, the tough get going, and Arizona runs away like a little b*tch.  Well . . . at least that’s what she’s done, up until now . . .

In the final moments of the episode, Arizona conveniently barges in on Callie, as the latter rides on the WORLD’S SLOWEST ELEVATOR.  Speaking of said elevator, it used to be completely void of any artwork, whatsoever.  Now, it conveniently features a conspicous PICTURE OF A BABY . . .

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(I haven’t been this creeped out by an image on a wall, since someone told me there was a ghost of some dead kid in the film Three Men and a Baby . . .)

That’s right, kiddies.  Arizona finally apologized for walking out on Callie, declared her love, and begged for forgiveness . . . and Callie . . . well, she told Arizona that she was pregnant with Mark’s baby . . .

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Watch out, Callie!  Lexie’s coming after you for screwing her man.  And she’s armed and dangerous!

Speaking of inappropriate relationships . . .

Teddy is quickly learning that her No Frills Insurance Marriage to Henry Sick Noel from Felicity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Two more episodes, and these two will be boning one another.  Mark my words!  For starters, the Chief found out about the couple’s little “arrangement,” and has been totally reaming Teddy a new one, ever since.

CHIEF:  “How dare you marry Noel!  He’s meant to be with Felicity!

TEDDY:  But Felicity ended up with Ben, remember?  They went to med school together.  And then Felicity went back in time, and found out that if she chose Noel, back in college, Noel would have died in that dorm fire.”

CHIEF:  “Went back in time?!  What the heck are you talking about?”

TEDDY:  “I know right?  It was a good show, but it pretty much had the WORST FINALE EVER!”

To further complicate matters, Noel’s tumors are attacking his insides.  And, in the course of a single episode, he needs both his kidney, his dignity, and a good portion of his pancreas removed.  Teddy learns about all of Noel’s complications, at about the same time she learns that he has put her down as his “Emergency Contact” on his insurance forms. 

This kind of pisses Teddy off.  Marriage?  NO PROBLEM!  Emergency contact?  NO EFFING WAY!

“Our vows said, ‘In Sickness and in Health’ . . . ‘Til Death Do Us Part.’  The whole “Emergency Contact” thing was kind of implied in there.  Don’t you think?”

Seeing the obvious distress on Teddy’s face, Noel explains that he is 42-years old.  (NO WAY, NOEL!  You graduated from college in the 00’s.  You’re in your early 30’s, TOPS!)  His parents are dead.  His sister is in Europe, and he’s been too sick to make many friends.  So, Teddy is basically, Noel’s only friend now (Sucks to be him!), hence the “Emergency Contact” thing.   To be honest, it’s kind of a depressing story.  But it ended sweetly, with Teddy and Noel clasping hands in “friendship.”

(But it’s going to be MUCH sweeter when they screw, sometime within the next two episodes . . . Trust me!)

But you know who’s already screwing?  THESE TWO!

Way to GO, BAILEY!  It’s high time the Nazi got some nookie in the on-call room.  (Everyone else on this show has!)  Naughty Nurse Eli is precisely what Bailey needs to lift her out of the funk her character has been in, since The Shooting . . .  I hope they continue to go at it like bunnies . . .

 . . . for a VERY LONG TIME! 

(The more often they do it, the more likely it is that we will get to see Daniel Sunjata NAKED!  The way I see it, it’s a win-win!) 

In other news . . .

The Race for Chief Resident is ON (like Donkey Kong!)

The fourth year residents were SUPPOSED to be kissing the asses of the First-Year Med Students, who were at Seattle Grace on a “field trip” this week.  Doing this would impress upon the Chief that they were “Chief Resident Material.”  But, as I said earlier, the Seattle Graces docs don’t kiss ass all that well.  So, their competition basically  erupted into a game of Abuse the Special Guest Star Student.

Sloan drew on this poor guy’s head with permanent marker . . .

Evil Warren from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (who has apparently taken a break from World Domination and Creating Robot Girlfriends, in order to attend Med School), accidentally made Cristina (who’s TOTALLY back to her hardcore self, by the way) look bad, by undermining her authority to the Chief, and spilling the beans to a patient about his dire medical condtion.  So, she got back at him, by nearly shoving his head inside a gross tumor, and making him faint . . .

Avery bodily pushed Johan Hill’s Twin Brother (Seriously!  The resemblance is uncanny.) out of EVERY surgery, in which he was involved.   He then pouted when Jonah Hill 2.0 conveniently offered up information that saved a patient’s life at the last minute . . .

This chick had the gall to try to make friends with Meredith, and TEXT her boyfriend, while inside the hospital.  So Meredith totally b*tched her out.

Out of all the Special Guest Stars First Year Med Students, Ashleigh from Greek fared the best, by far, because she got to screw Alex Karev . . .

Having heard it directly from the Chief, we all KNOW that Ashleigh gave Karev a good review, for “Playing Doctor” with her at Seattle Grace.  (Alex was the only resident who “aced” his first “Race to Chief Challenge,” as a result.  Everybody else BOMBED IT!) 

However, we can only guess as to what she told Casey and her friends at the ZBZ house, upon arriving back home . . .

An Interesting Casting Note:  Fans of the show Greek, might recall, that for a few episodes at least, Ashleigh and Casey fought over which of them would be the first to bed a mysterious man, known to them only as “The Hotness Monster.”  And I bet you will never guess who played the Hotness Monster on the show . . .

It’s DOCTOR AVERY!

Talk about your coincidences, right?  It really is a shame that Ashleigh and Avery didn’t get to hook up!  (Not only would Greek fans have gotten a kick out of it, it also would have been REALLY HOT!)  Clearly, Shondra Rhimes is saving Avery’s virtue for ME!  That’s the only possible explanation as to why she’s been keeping the Hotness Monster (now Dr. Hotness), as celibate as MONK for OVER TWO SEASONS!  (Not that I’m complaining. ;))

Speaking of screwing, the episode ended up Meredith and Derek “practicing” their Mad Baby-Making Skills . . .

Take THAT, Hostile Uterus!

“I’ll get you My Pretty, and your little McWeiner too!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

Welcome Back, Grey’s! (AND DOCTOR YANG!) – A Recap of Grey’s Anatomy’s “Disarm”

The Dark and Twisty Sisters with Scalpels — Reunited, and it feels SO GOOD!

Welcome back, my fellow Greysies!  Man, I missed you!  I missed THIS SHOW!  I missed all the sexy . . . and all the SEX . . . and all the nakedness . . .

Never . . . gets . . . old.

I missed all the snappy one liners . . . and the tears I inevitably shed, during EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. 

Note:  That is not ME, crying . . . just in case you got confused there.

But most of all, I missed MY CRISTINA YANG!  The real one . . . not the troubled zombie-esque doppelganger with whom we have spent the first half of the season.  Well, let me tell you something . . . CRISTINA’S BACK, BABY!

You all know who we have to thank for that, right?

Nope.

Guess again!

“You’re welcome.”

(Man, if we knew all it would take to snap Cristina out of her funk, was having her holding a smelly fish for ten seconds, we would have given her one a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago!)

But I’m getting off track . . . So, let’s get on with the recap, OK?

Three Sex Scenes for the Price of ONE!

Say what you want about the Grey’s writers.  But they SURE do know their audience!  After a month of Grey’s sex withdrawal, our pals at Seattle Grace rewarded our patience, with not one, not two, but THREE sex scenes, within the first TWO MINUTES of the episode!  How’s THAT for ambitious?  I mean, I’ve seen pornos with less action than that . . .

“Oh, Mr. Pizza Delivery Man!  Your MEATBALLS are the biggest in town!”

And we aren’t talking plain old vanilla sex, either.  Take our first couple, Meredith and Derek, for instance.  They start the episode fighting over Cristina’s “healing process.”  But just when it looks like Derek might win the fight, Meredith goes in for a sucker punch.  “I’m ovulating,” she tells him. 

“Ugggggghhhhh,” replies Derek, rolling his eyes like a petulant teen, as he reluctantly takes off his boxers under the blankets.  (You would think his wife just asked him to clean the toilet, or something!)

Given his SUPER enthusiastic response, Meredith is faced with the near impossible challenge of pretending she DOESN’T want to have sex with PATRICK DEMPSEY, in order to preserve her dignity!  “I can’t even look at you, right now,” Meredith fibs.

“Fine!  Then turn over,” retorts Derek.

And under the covers they both go . . .

“Who has two hands, and just had Doggy Style Sex on prime time television.  THIS GIRL!”

Unfortunately, due to those pesky censors, ABC wasn’t able to show us the actual MerDer sex footage.  BUT I CAN!  Wanna see?

Our second sex scene belonged to a decidedly FORWARD FACING Owen and Cristina.  (I posted their “money shots” above, for your viewing pleasure.)  Unlike Meredith and Derek, Owen and Cristina didn’t screw like dogs . . . more like bunnies . . .

Apparently, holding a fish for ten seconds, not only cures PTSD and depression, it also does wonders for your SEX LIFE!   Cristina is just basking in the glow of fish sex with Owen — so much so that she decides to spend the day sightseeing!  Owen would love to come (See what I did there?).  However, he has a JOB to do, and a faux wedding to witness (more on that later) . . .

We cut to Sloan and Lexie doing it.  Like the two couples before them, they exchanged some cuddles and post-coital talk, after doing the deed.  But honestly, I can’t remember a word of what they said, as I was completely mesmerized by Eric Dane’s massive arm muscles, at the time . . .

But you know who WASN’T having sex?  Callie!

Nope . . . not even THAT kind of sex . . .

If you recall, at the end of the last episode, Arizona returned to the U.S. to be with Callie.  And a VERY PISSED OFF Callie slammed the door in her face.  So, you can imagine Callie’s surprise, when she stomped out of her apartment the following morning to find Arizona STILL THERE!  Apparently, girlfriend woke up early, got some coffee, and resumed her vigil outside Callie’s home.  “Go back to Malawi,” Callie tells the former love of her life coldly, as she walks right past her.

“Ummm . . . OK . . . but can you let me in your apartment first?  That frappuccino made me really have to pee.”

In other, “not getting laid” news, Teddy was awkwardly waiting at court to marry her new Husband for Medical Insurance Purposes, Noel from Felcity.  (I’m sure he has another name on this show.  I just refuse to acknowledge it, because he will forever be NOEL to me . . .)

“So . . . Noel . . . do you like scary movies?”

Owen arrives as the necessary Wedding Witness. (This made me feel kind of sad for Noel, who apparently had no friends to ask, which is strange, because I know Felicity totally would have come!)  After he chastizes Teddy a bit about the obvious dangers of marrying the killer from Scream 3, Owen reluctantly does his part in the impromptu ceremony.  Far from your typical bridezilla, a harried Teddy rushes the officiant to hurry up the wedding proceedings, so she can go to work.

“Can you tell me how to get to the Space Needle,  Mini McDreamy?”

While her husband is busy witnessing a sham wedding, Cristina heads off to sight see.  She finds this super hot bike rider — who looks like a clone of  how Patrick Dempsey probably looked about ten years ago — and asks him for directions to the Space Needle.  “First time in Seattle, eh?”  He flirts.

(It’s OK, Cristina.  I’ve lived right outside New York City all my life, and NEVER been inside the Empire State Building.  Landmarks are for tourists, DAMMIT!)

“Ummm . . . OK,” Cristina deadpans, knowing full well, that if this was a romantic comedy, she would have immediately started babbling on about her whole traumatic experience to this stranger.  (They then would have undoubtedly fallen in love.  And then, at the end of the movie, he would have proposed to her . . . at the top of the Space Needle, of course!)

Sleepless in Seattle Grace — Coming soon to a theater near you!

Mini McDreamy kindly directs Cristina to the Space Needle.  However, when a series of ambulences pass by the pair, sirens wailing, she follows them instead.  Poor Mini Mac watches her go, dumbfounded, because he has clearly stepped onto the wrong show . . .

As it turns out, there was a massive shooting at a local college.  Cristina comes on the scene, just as one of the injured is taken into an ambulance.  “You need to crack his chest,” she yells instinctively at the EMT’s hovering over the stretcher . . .

“You’ve been replaced.”

Back at the hospital, Arizona Robbins is officially having the WORST DAY EVER!  For one thing, she’s majorly jetlagged.  For another, her girlfriend won’t take her back.  Callie never even let her PEE at the apartment.   Then Chief Webber tells her she can’t have her old job back, because that Super Douche Dr. Stark has replaced her as Head of Pediatrics.  But in a few moments, both Arizona and Dr. Webber will have much more important things to worry about than Arizona’s relationship and employment status . . .

Deja Vu . . .

In the lobby of the hospital, we find the entire Seattle Grace staff huddled around a television, sobbing.  News has just broken about the campus shooting at the local college.  An indeterminate number of students and faculty have been injured, and they are headed to Seattle Grace for treatment. 

Like a general preparing his troops for battle, Chief Webber delivers a solemn and inspirational speech to his tearful and highly emotional staff, as they await the arrival of the ambulances.  His speech was so touching and powerful, it brought tears to my eyes, when I heard it during the episode promo.  It brought tears to them again, during the episode itself.  And it made me cry a third time, when I rewatched the promo to get them all down on paper to use in this recap. 

Here’s what he said:  “We are going to have feelings today, and there is no shame in that.  What we went through six months ago, is what they are going through right now, which makes them our brothers and sisters.”

As the ambulences arrive, we are introduced, one-by-one, to the patients that will be the focus of the episode.  The first is a 15-year old certified genius, who has been shot in the stomach and leg.  The second is a professor, who has fallen from a four-story window, while trying to help his students escape. 

The third is a policeman who disarmed the shooter, but was shot himself, in the process.  In the ambulence with that victim was the police chief who royally effed up the handling of the Seattle Grace shooting, six months prior.  (Remember, how many times those Keystone cops of his had that nutjob in their sights, and let him get AWAY?)

Police Chief FAIL!

But, in all seriousness, it was hard to hate on the Police Chief, when he seemed so genuinely concerned as to the well-being of the younger cop.  In addition to his obviously having a fatherly type relationship with this policeman, the Police Chief has other reasons for wanting his employee to survive this accident.  Apparently, this patient is the only one who will actually be able to identify the Shooter . . .

And yet, it’s the inhabitants of the  fourth ambulence, that really cause all the fans mouths to drop open . . .

Remember that guy who Cristina witnessed being carried into the ambulence, during the first few moments of the episode?  Well, as it turns out, she didn’t just TELL the EMTs to crack his chest.  She did it for them! 

Since Cristina’s hands are inside the patient’s body cavity, Teddy, who will be the lead attending on the surgery, allows her former protege to participate in the operation.  But just in case Doppelganger Zombie Cristina rears her ugly head again, Teddy wisely requests that Dr. Avery scrub in as well . . .

“All State, BABY!”

The mood of the episode, lightens just a bit, as we are taken inside another OR, where Douchebag Stark and Karev are operating on the 15-year old prodigy.  Psycho Stark seems absolutely intent on sawing off the poor teen’s leg!  He claims this is because she has other life threatening injuries.  This is despite the fact that the other unnamed doctor on the scene, informs Stark that these other injuries are under control . . .

Ummm .  . . Dr. Giggles?  Just because you are operating on a minor, doesn’t mean you should treat surgery like a game of Operation . . .

“But the game told me to remove the LEG BONE!  If I don’t remove it, I’LL LOSE!”

Karev knows there is a way to save the girl’s leg, without causing her any additional medical harm; and he tells Stark as much.  But Dr. Giggles blows him off.  Fortunately, Arizona is watching the event from the cheap seats, and sides with Karev.  An affronted Dr. Giggles pouts, and calls Arizona unprofessional, telling her she no longer has any authority at this hospital.  “Body block him, Karev,” shouts Arizona, as she dashes off to get scrub-in approval. 

Source

As Karev continues his standoff with the squirrelly Dr. Giggles, Arizona commandeers Callie to help with the surgery . .  .

When Callie hears Karev’s side of the story, she immediately kicks Dr. Giggles out of the OR, and takes over.  “In this hospital, we take shootings, very personally,” explains Callie. 

Once Giggles is gone, Callie sends a triumphant Karev to help other patients in need.  “Yesssss, that’s cool!  My work here is done.  ALL STATE, BABY!”  He shouts, pumping his fist, as he struts out of the OR, in true Alpha Male Frat Boy Fashion.  (LOVE HIM!)

Meanwhile Sniveling Dr. Giggles whines to Dr. Webber about being kicked out of his OWN OR . . .

But Webber (who was TOTALLY my hero this week, by the way), absolutely OWNED the bastard, by shutting him up for good, with THIS gem of a line, “Go be a DOCTOR!  People are DYING!  GO SAVE A LIFE, NOWWWW!”

Back in the OR, Arizona was taking advantage of her Captive Audience Surgical Moment with Callie, to grovel her way back into Callie’s Pretty Pink Pantalones.  Callie DEFINITELY wasn’t having it . . .  But you know what she WAS having?  REALLY HUGE HOOP EARRINGS . . .

OK . . . maybe I was exaggerating their size just a bit.  But was I the only one bothered by this?  I mean, I know how often I lose MY hoop earrings!  So, if my body is lying on an operating table, chopped in HALF, I sure as heck don’t want my doctor wearing those, while she’s sewing me back up.  The only hoops I want in my body cavity are the ones that were there to begin with!  Just sayin’ . . .

Anyway, Callie and Arizona ended up saving the prodigy’s leg.  Their relationship?  Not so much . . . When Arizona tells Callie that she “loves her” and “crossed the whole world to be with her,” Callie retorts with, “There are two of us in this relationship . . . you came back, but I didn’t.” 

It was harsh moment for the pair, but one bursting with truth and revelations from both parties.   To be honest, I’m not quite sure who’s side I’m on here.  I sort of feel bad for both of them.  Am I the only one?

“I was the wife in that waiting room.”

Speaking of surgical relationship squabbles, Meredith and Derek were having one of their own, as they performed brain surgery on the professor who fell from the four-story window.  Meredith kept excusing herself to update the patient’s wife on his progress. 

 This deeply annoyed Derek, who saw the repeated interruptions as an unnecessary hinderance to the surgical procedure.  “Since when are you more interested in updating the wife in the waiting room, than doing this?”  Derek inquires coldly.

“Since I was the wife in the waiting room!”  Meredith exclaims.  “You and Cristina are so busy supporting eachother.  Have you even noticed that I went through a trauma too?”

Meredith reminds Derek that being “the wife in the waiting room,” was so traumatic to her, six months ago that she came into the OR, and asked that The Shooter take her life instead of Derek’s.  Meredith’s speech touches Derek at his core.   Finally, he understands the extent of what his wife has endured.  Derek is so overwhelmed with emotion, that he must take a moment to collect his thoughts, before continuing on with the surgery.

Outside in the lobby, Meredith leads the Professor’s wife and other patient’s family members to the center of the hospital (where the Seattle Grace Shooting took place, by the way).  From there, the family members can see the hospital parking lot, where thousands of college students are standing together holding candles, and singing their school’s alma mater.  (Oh yeah . . . this scene made me cry too . . .just in case there was any doubt.)

Though it was not without its complications, the professor’s surgery is a success.  So elated is the Professor’s Wife with this news that she gives Derek a big hug!  Later, Derek embraces Meredith, in a sweet apology, for his douchiness to her throughout the episode.  “You’ve been holding everyone up all along.  You amaze me,” he whispers in her ear.

Derek has some additional good news for Meredith.   Cristina is PERFORMING SURGERY AGAIN!

Getting Closure . . .

Although Cristina’s story of catharsis and healing was undoubtedly the most significant of the episode, it was far from the only one.  Other characters were also able to obtain peace and closure, as a result of this second tragic, but ultimately triumphant event.  For Bailey, this came from her being able to save a young man named Chuck from dying of a wound that was startlingly similar to the one Charles Percy suffered during the Seattle Grace shooting . . .

So, overwhelmed with emotion is Bailey, by the obvious similarities between the two patients and their conditions, that she repeatedly calls this new patient “Charles” instead of “Chuck.”  Charles Percy may have died, but Chuck will hopefully lead a long life, thanks to Bailey’s strength and perseverence . . .

April . . .

. . . who was undoubtedly still experiencing some feelings of guilt over the way she froze — and was generally unable to act — during the Seattle Grace Shooting, was given the opportunity to take charge of this situation.  When all the ORs in the hospital were booked, Owen assigned April to run an improptu trauma center in the hospital.  Because we ALL remember how kick ass she was in trauma training, right?

Well, apparently, she kicks ass at it in real life too, as she showed us this week!  This just proves, once again that April Kepner is TOTALLY the New George O’Malley, both in terms of social awkwardness, and trauma prowess . . .

R.I.P. O’Malley!

During the Seattle Grace Shooting, Lexie and Sloan operated on a very wounded Alex, using only the bare minimum of surgical tools that were available to them.  When faced with virtually the same situation once again, Mark made sure to allow Lexie to do the surgical cutting, so that she could prove to herself that she was capable of doing so a second time.  Toward the end of the episode, a grateful Lexie tells Mark she loves him.  He’s obviously thrilled!

I predict MANY more hours of bunny sex in this couple’s future . . .

“Your Patient is the Shooter.”

When the policeman finally awakens, and offers a description of the shooter, we learn, much to our chagrin, that it is the patient on which Teddy, Yang, and Avery are currently operating.  Floored by the notion that the three of them will be “wasting” an excessive amount of hospital resources — which could be used on other patients– to save the life of the person who caused all the casualties, in the first place, Avery storms out of the OR . . .  (He does that A LOT, doesn’t he?)

Teddy thanks Cristina for staying to complete the surgery.  “I know it can’t have been an easy decision,” says the Cardio God. 

“You know what, though?  It was,” explains Cristina thoughtfully!

(Can I just reiterate how ELATED I am that our girl is back?)

As for Avery, he somewhat softens his position on whether the hospital should expend resources on saving the shooter’s life, when he hears Alex talk of his schizophrenic brother trying to shoot his sister.  “If he got hurt doing it, I’d want the doctors to do everything they could to save his life.  No matter what, he’s still my brother,” Alex explains.

I know he’s a MAJOR ass, sometimes, but I’m still in love with Alex Karev . . .

Avery takes Alex’s words to heart, when he comforts the mother of the Shooter, by gently explaining to her that her son is still alive, and all efforts are being taken to save him . . .

I know he’s a MAJOR ass sometimes, but I’m still in love with Jackson Avery too!  (Notice a pattern here?)

As the rest of the staff wrap up their surgeries, the doctors come to watch Cristina and Teddy finish operating on the Shooter . . .

As they watch, Webber explains to them, that of the 26 patients that were brought to the hospital, as a result of this second shooting, there were NO casualties.  Upon hearing this, the whole staff immediately erupts into tears that are a mixture of happiness for the triumphs of the day, and despair for the losses of six months prior.  Shortly thereafter, they all start LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, in order to obtain a much needed cathartic emotional release after an unbearably stressful.  Dr. Stark, however, is NOT amused . . .

“I HATE THIS PLACE,”  he whines, storming out as the rest of the staff continues to chuckle at his expense. 

The “fun” continues, when Dr. Webber tells Arizona that he was lying to her before.  She CAN come back to Seattle Grace .  . . provided she works under Dr. Stark.  The look on Arizona’s face when he gives her the news is PRICELESS!

“Webber say WHAT?”

After the final surgery of the day, an exhausted Teddy reluctantly heads to Joe’s Bar (which is the only bar in Seattle, apparently), to fill out medical insurance paper work with her new husband, Noel Crane . . .

But Noel, ever the charmer, convinces her to share a celebratory drink with him first.  “You saved MY life today,” he explains sweetly, “and that deserves a toast.”

(OK . . . so I’m going to give these two three episodes tops, before they are doing the horizontal mambo together.  Anyone care to wager with me?)

But the best scene of all came at the very end of the episode, when best friends Cristina and Meredith — both clad in scrubs (as they SHOULD BE!) — reunited, after taking a LONG and very PAINFUL break from one another.

“Wanna get a drink?”  Cristina asks congenially, as if no time or recriminations have passed between them at all.”

“Yeah . . . but not a real drink, since I’m trying to get pregnant.  And I read that drinking when your pregnant results in your baby having three heads, and sixteen toes,” replies Meredith conversationally.

“How about some crack cocaine then?”  Cristina retorts, as the pair walk off into the night together, and the screen fades to black. 

Yep . . . Meredith and Cristina . . . still dark and twisty after all these years . . .

Well, that’s all she wrote, Greysies!  Be sure to tune in next week, to watch Bailey get some LONG OVERDUE sex action from THIS GUY!

Is it Thursday yet?

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Cold Can Be VERY HOT! – Cozy up with 7 Heart-warming Wintery TV Moments

What is it about those cold wintery months that puts all of us in the mood for romance? 

Well . . . most of us, anyway!

Are we simply looking for a warm body to hold close, when the temperature drops to the single digits? 

Do we just not want to be alone for the holidays? 

Perhaps, the desire to couple in winter is innate and primal, something akin to hibernation or mating rituals. 

Or, maybe there’s something more to it than that . . .

In light of the fact that I am VERY COLD RIGHT NOW . . .  and, also in light of the fact, that there is currently TWO FEET OF SNOW outside my window, I thought it might be nice to write a post based on the “softer” (and sexier) side of wintery weather . . .

So, get into something “more comfortable” . . .

 . . . and grab those warm winter blankets . . .

Because we are about to get started . . .

Winter Helps us to Remember the Good Times . . .

For most of us, most of the year is a blur.  We rush around, day-in-and-day-out, maneuvering through work, or school, and our mundane daily tasks.  We rarely have the time to stop and take a breath, or think about the things and people that really matter to us. 

But around winter time, things slow down.  Suddenly, we have all this spare time to think about ourselves and others.  We have time to make major decisions about what we want out of life.  We have time to . . . FINALLY GET LAID!

In this first clip from Dawson’s Creek, it takes a wintery class ski trip and a conveniently “hidden” wallet condom, to help Joey realize that Pacey’s “TOTALLY-Puts-Every-Boy-On-The-Planet-To-Shame” Boyfriending Skills are MORE than worth the cost of her much-coveted V-card!

Winter Forces Us to Remember the Bad Times . . .

While for many, winter is time of comfort and joy, for others, it’s a time for sadness and severe depression.  Because all that time spent alone thinking, can be MIGHTY LONELY.  It can also dredge up some painful memories.  But just when you feel like all hope is lost, that’s when you come to realize that you aren’t so alone after all.  Because the thing you thought you were missing, might just have been by your side all along . . .

In this second clip, from Gossip Girl, Serena’s snowstorm car crash, dredges up some painful memories for Chuck Bass, regarding his father’s untimely death . . .

Winter Makes Things That Would Normally Be Really Annoying, Seem “Festive and Poignant”

You wouldn’t know it from this extremely sappy post, but I’m actually a rather jaded person, when it comes to love and romance.  Things that make most women go, “Awwwww” tend to make me roll my eyes, and throw up in my mouth a little bit.  And yet, this time of year that all changes. 

For a few months, I’m all about those cheesy ABC Family Christmas Specials, mistletoe, heart-shaped boxes, sappy love songs . . . and watching When Harry Met Sally when it airs on TBS for the 85,000th friggin time.

“I’ll have what she’s having.”

I suspect I am not alone in this. 

By way of example, I give you yet another clip from Gossip Girl — this one from a couple that usually makes me a little nauseous.  And yet, whenever I watch this winter-themed scene of them in action, I can’t help but soften toward the pair a bit, if only for a few moments.  Of course, I’m talking about Dan and Serena, and the latter’s “very special” Christmas gift to the former, during the holiday episode of the show’s first season.  (And no, I’m not talking about Serena’s body, as that is a gift that’s been given on the show MANY, MANY, MANY times over, to many people!)

Serena is kind of  like Santa.  She visits ALL THE LITTLE BOYS, during the holidays.  (And she’s very TIRED!)

Winter Gives You an Excuse to Make Out with People You’ve Secretly Always Wanted to Make Out With, But Haven’t Yet Had the Guts to Do So . . .

Blame it on the mistletoe!  Blame it on too much champagne!  Blame it on wanting to make that other guy (or girl) jealous!  Blame it on a joke . . . or dare!  Tell him (or her) it was just a “friendly holiday” kiss! 

The winter months are jam-packed with parties . . . and, perhaps more importantly, BOOZE.  This means they are also jam-packed with solid excuses to lay a wet one on the person you’ve been ogling in silence for all those months.  The good news, is that, for a limited time only, you can do so, without fear of suffering embarrassment or rejection.  And, hey, if the person you’re smooching doesn’t respond in kind, you can always tell him that Santa made you do it!  Because NO ONE messes with SANTA on Christmas!

In this next clip from Bones, Temperance Brennan uses the OLDEST holiday trick in the book — strategically-placed mistletoe — to engage in a rousing round of tonsil hockey, with her sexy as hell co-worker, Seeley Booth.  You GO GIRL!

Winter is a Time for Bold Romantic Gestures . . .

Helpful tools like mistletoe, a bottle of champagne, or a “spin the bottle,” are fine for those simple sneak-attack kisses.  But when you REALLY want to start something special with the object of your desires, it’s best to go au natural.  Now, is not the time to be tentative. 

Be BOLD!  Be ROMANTIC!  After all, you’ve got the cold winter weather, and the holidays on your side.  And there’s no better aphrodisiac on the planet than those two things, as far as I’m concerned . . .

In this Season 1 clip from Grey’s Anatomy, Alex lays a most awesome Ambush Kiss on Izzie, just when she has completely written him off as a romantic partner, following a VERY LOUSY first date the two recently shared.

Winter is The Time to Tell that Special Someone How You Feel About Them

This one is kind of self-explanatory.  And if I give you any more intel, I’ll likely ruin the impact of the next clip, if I haven’t done so already.  Suffice it to say, this one features Rory and Jess from The Gilmore Girls . . .

But When You Think About It, Winter is Really Just a State of Mind . . .

Now, where I come from, I get more winter cold than I could POSSIBLY EVER WANT!  But that might not be the case for you.  Perhaps, you live in a tropical climate, where it’s NEVER cold, and NEVER snows.  (Just so you know, I HATE YOU . . . Just kidding 🙂 . . . But not really.) 

Well, just because you don’t have excuse to wear big puffy jackets, or drink hot cocoa by the gallon, or cuddle up under down comforters, doesn’t mean you can’t make the romantic spirit of winter work for YOU too!  With just a little improvisation on your part, you can be feeling the Sexy Winter Fever, in no time! 

Just ask Seth Cohen from The O.C.  He lives in Orange County, California. where it NEVER SNOWS!  And yet, season after season, Seth made the winter months special with his trademark Christmukkah cheer, and a seemingly endless supply of ugly Christmas Sweaters (most of which, he probably sweat through, within minutes of putting them on.  Because, let’s face it, it gets pretty friggin hot on the West Coast!) . . .

In this clip, Seth and his perky girlfriend Summer embody the Romantic Spirit of Winter, by simply putting on those hideous brown caps my mother lovingly refers to as “Schmucks with Earflaps.”

So, there you have it.  Seven doses of wintery TV romance from one Freezing Blogger.  Now it’s your turn.  What’s YOUR favorite Hot Winter TV Moment? 

[www.juliekushner.com]

And the EYES have it! – A Celebration of the Small Screen’s Dreamiest Peepers

I SEE YOU!

They say that the “Eyes are the window to the Soul.”  And that may very well be true . . .   But, lately, I’ve come to realize that a nice pair of peepers might very well be a window into something else . . .

My PANTIES! 

(Get it?  Because when I look at guys with beautiful eyes .  . . nevermind.)

There’s just something about an actor with really large, intense, and expressive eyes that makes you fall instantly in love with whatever character he’s playing.  You’ll fall for him, regardless of what selfish, evil, dumb, or generally douchebaggy thing he happens to be doing at the time.  Because even when the character is behaving badly, his eyes make him look like he’s feeling really guilty about it . . . Or, maybe they don’t make him look guilty at all.  But you’re so charmed by those pretty irises, you just plain don’t give a damn!

Today, I’d like to honor (in no particular order) some fabulous television actors, whose mesmeric eyes have the power to make me forgive them for all their evil deeds, and, occasionally, make me forget my own name . . .

[Note: As always, not all the YouTube clips included in this post are embedding-enabled.  So, if you want to watch them all (and I HIGHLY recommend that you do!) just click on those internal links, and AWAY YOU GO! :)]

(1) Ian Somerhalder  (Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries)

If you thought that I would be capable of writing an entire blog post about TV Eyes, without including Ian Somerhalder somewhere in it, you’ve clearly never read this blog before.  (WELCOME, New Friend! :)) In his role as Damon Salvatore, Ian’s eyes literally have the power to make thousands of women do his bidding.  (And I’m not just talking about the Fangirls at home, either . . .)

And yet, even without all that vampire mind control magic behind them, Ian’s eyes still have a very sensual power that’s entirely their own.

With them, he can charm you . . .

 . . . or make you fall in love . . .

 . . . or make you cower in fear . . .

. . . or break your heart . . .

Not bad for a single day’s work, right?

Cheers, You SEXY BEAST!

(2) Alexander Skarsgard (Eric Northman from True Blood)

Unlike Damon Salvatore, True Blood vampire, Eric Northman doesn’t have the luxury of simply using his hypnotic eyes to get a drink, save his loved ones, or get the girl.  After all, he’s the SHERIFF of AREA FIVE!  He’s got a community to run . . .  a business to keep afloat . . .

 . . . a “child” to keep in line . . .

. . . and enemies to vanquish . . .

But that doesn’t mean our favorite Viking Vampire can’t have a little fun along the way . . .

This is a guy who understands his power over women, and KNOWS how to use his eyes to get what he wants . . .

But with stares like these, can you really blame women (and men) from becoming puddy, under his gaze?

I’ll take your silence as a “NO” . . . 😉

(3) Jensen Ackles (Dean Winchester from Supernatural)

Dean Winchester may not be a vampire — like his eye-catching compadres, Damon and Eric — but he has staked a few of them, in his day!

If demons spy these intensely determined baby blues heading their way, they better run FAST!  Because Dean Winchester has a Take No Prisoners attitude, when it comes to protecting his family, and a No Tolerance Policy when it comes to EEEEEVVIL!  He’s tough.  He’s snarky,  He’s super BAD ASS!  And yet, he’s very HUMAN. 

 

So, when Deam falters, or cries, or when those big saucer-sized eyes of his beg you for forgiveness, it will melt your heart . . .

(4) Mark Salling (Noah “Puck” Puckerman from Glee)

Noah “Puck” Puckerman doesn’t DO vampires.  He isn’t one.  He doesn’t fight them.  And I strongly suspect that he thinks that the entire Twilight series is for pussies.  And yet Puck shares one very important thing in common with undead bloodsuckers and debonair demon fighters.  His sexy eyes have power.  And they MEAN BUSINESS!

Oh, and Puck can do something those supernatural boys CAN’T!  He can SING!  Check out how Puck’s Eye-F*cking /Neil Diamond-crooning combination makes the typically uptight Rachel Berry turn to complete mush, in this next clip . . .

(5) David Boreanaz (Seeley Booth from Bones)

Lest you brown-eyed girls and boys think this article is biased toward men with eyes of blue and green, I’ve included a smoky eyed gentleman in this list, for your personal viewing pleasure.  We first met David Boreanaz as that bleeding-heart romantic bloodsucker with a soul, Angel, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer . . .

A few years later, “Angel” got his own show.  As a result, Boreanaz’s chestnut-colored orbs were rewarded with significantly more screen time, to meet their brood and smoulder needs.

Then after years (centuries?) of traversing in the Land of the Undead, Boreanaz was converted to “mere mortal” status, when he landed the role of FBI Agent Seely Booth on the crime procedural show Bonens.  Sure, Booth might not be as dark, broody, murderous or tormented as the eye candy previously mentioned on this list, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a catch!

*clears throat, loosens collar*

Booth is smart, tough, funny, a tiger in the bedroom, a charmer with the ladies, and a major fan of Classic Rock.  Did I mention he wears cool socks?

Woah, he has a Magic 8 Ball on his desk TOO?  I really have to start watching this show!

And if all that hasn’t sold you yet, this next clip most certainly will.  (And remember, focus on the EYES . . . just the EYES! ;))

 

(6) Julian Morris (Wren from Pretty Little Liars)

Julian Morris and those GORGEOUS peepers of his have been breaking my heart ALL YEAR!  I first encountered him in the role of Wren on Pretty Little Liars . . .

*Sigh*  He was just so ADORABLE . . .

and CHARMING . . .

and BRITISH . . .

and GOOD AT GIVING BACK RUBS!

And then, suddenly . . . POOF . . . he was GONE!

Then Julian Morris landed a role on the new ABC mockumentary, My Generation . . .

 . . . which got canceled after two episodes . . .

And so, with Pretty Little Liars returning to ABC Family in January, I would like to use this part of my post as an unofficial plea to bring Julian Morris’ eyes back to my TV!  Consider the following clip as evidence in support of my argument . . .

So cheesy, and yet, so VERY HOT!

(7) Chace Crawford (Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl)

Dear, Sweet, Nate Archibald!  Of all the scheming, conniving, lying and backstabbing characters on Gossip Girl, he is probably the most innocent and honest (some would say naive).  Sure, he was born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth.  But that doesn’t make Nate arrogant, or cocky, or shallow . . .

At his core, Nate is a bleeding heart.  He values honesty and friendship.  But, above all else, Nate values romance.  And to understand the extent of Nate’s innocence, kindness, and capacity for puppy love, all one needs to do, is look into those translucent baby blue eyes of his . . . 

Admittedly, Nate’s probably not the smartest guy on this list.  But he’s definitely one of the sweetest.

(8 ) Michael Pitt (Jimmy Darmody from Boardwalk Empire)

By the time I started watching Michael Pitt as the Ivy League college kid, turned grizzled war veteran, turned hardened gangster, Jimmy Darmody on Boardwalk Empire,  he and I were already rather well acquainted . . .  After all, he was the guileless freshman football player, Henry, who won Jaded Jen Lindley’s heart on Dawson’s Creek . . .

Then, I got to see even MORE of him in the admittedly bizarre, but compulsively watchable, independent film The Dreamers, during which Pitt spent most of the film’s two-plus-hour running time butt naked, and engaged in kinky sex with an odd, but very attractive brother / sister duo . . .

I bet your wishing YOU saw it now, huh?

(I also saw him in M. Night Shlamalamadingdong’s AWFUL film The Village.  But we need not bring up such atrocities.  This is a TRIBUTE post, after all.) 

Please, don’t shoot me!  I promise not to bring it up again!

 When I revisited Pitt a few years later, in the role of Jimmy Darmody, I was impressed by how much he had grown, both as a human, and as an actor . . .

Who knew that cute little twerp, Henry, would grow up to be such a Rockin’ Bad ASS?

Yet, through all that growth and change, and despite all the diverse roles that comprise Michael Pitt’s impressive repertoire The Village, notwithstanding, one thing that remains a constant are his boyishly innocent puppy dog eyes  . . .

 .  . . even when those eyes are looking at you, like they want to put a cap in your ass .  . .

(Warning:  The following clip contains violence and offensive language.  But it’s REALLY AWESOME!  Viewer discretion advised.)

After all, if your life is destined to be cut short by a cold-hearted gangster, staring into those cobalt blue globes is definitely the way to go.  I mean, it could be worse . . .  Your last vision could end up being THIS . . .

(9) Jesse Williams (Jackson Avery from Grey’s Anatomy)

OK .  . . so you’ve just been shot by Jimmy Darmody, and lived to tell the tale.  But now you have to go to the hospital.  Who’s face would you most like to see peering over you, as you lay half-conscious on the operating table?  Because I know what MY answer would be .  . .

For me, Jesse William’s Dr. Jackson Avery has been the BEST thing about this season of Grey’s Anatomy, HANDS DOWN!  He is brilliant and cocky. 

He can be heroic. 

And he’s a loyal friend, who is more than willing to punch out the lights of the boy, who treated you badly.

Did I mention that he looks like THIS?

One thing I’ve always liked about Grey’s Anatomy, is that the show NEVER shies away from male objectification.  Those Grey’s writers, Boy!  When they’ve got it, they FLAUNT IT!  In fact, this season, there was an ENTIRE episode dedicated to Jackson Avery’s eyes and body, and their almost vampiric ability to get women to cater to his every whim . . . Not that there’s anything wrong with THAT!

(10) Matt Lanter (Liam Court from 90210)

This brooding bad boy of West Beverly is the Dylan McKay of 90210‘s next generation.  Like that other Lusty Lothario, Liam is not exactly the best at vocalizing his feelings.  He also has some MAJOR daddy issues, and an intense temper to match. 

And yet, beneath all that angst, when it comes to the girls he loves, Liam really is just an old softie . . .

With his supple skin and chameleon-like eyes, who’s hues range from grey to almost purple, Liam definitely has no trouble getting the girls to take notice of him.  And what nubile young high school student doesn’t want to reform a Hot Rebel with a Cause?  Especially, when he looks like THIS, beneath the sheets . . .

So, there you have it, 10 fabulous TV stars, and 20 amazing and awe-inspiring eyeballs!  What more could a TV Fangirl ask for? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]