Gumby and Pokey | TV Recappers Anonymous

“Hey, Sookie! Did you see what your boyfriend just did to that chick’s head? That was some freaky sh*t!”

“Yeah. I know I’m supposed to be all mad that he like totally cheated on me. But I just keep rubbing my neck, and thinking, ‘Better you than me, b*tch. Better you than me . ..'”

Boy, did Alan Ball and Co. reap the benefits of being on “pay cable,” and having a “Mature Audiences” rating tonight! Tonight’s True Blood installment featured no less than THREE hard core sex scenes, each one more raunchy than the next, three pretty gruesome dead bodies, and one . . . burning bush.

Did I mention we got introduced to THIS GUY?

I’m starting a little betting pool on how many more episodes before we get to see this hot werewolf without his shirt on. Any takers? I’m willing to bet it happens next episode. Sookie and Alcide have to SLEEP eventually. And if you looked like THAT, would YOU wear clothing to bed? I think not . . .

So, let’s try to “wrap our heads around” this episode, shall we?

Ooops! Sorry, Lorena! I guess that was in poor taste, under the circumstances . . .

“Lessons in Good Housekeeping” by Sookie Stackhouse

Poor Sookie! For a girl who seemingly spends every episode cleaning her house, she sure collects a lot of interesting stains on that carpet of hers. (Maenad-induced orgy juice anyone?) When we last left our favorite Merlotte’s waitress, she was hanging out with Eric. And the two crazy lovebirds were engaged in their own unique brand of foreplay. You know the drill. Eric makes sexual innuendos; Sookie fends him off passionately; they stare angrily / lovingly into one anothers’ eyes; someone tries to kill Sookie . . . the usual.

The higher the body count, the hotter the love . . .

This week’s candidate for a Viking Vampire Ass Whupping was a random nameless werewolf hopped up on vampire blood. He apparently hailed from that pesky Jackson, Mississippi-based were-gang that has been bothering Vampire Bill for two episodes now. Sookie tries to shoot him herself, but in a brash show of machismo (“No way I’m letting my lady do my murdering for me!”), Eric dives in front of the bullet, and valiantly takes it in the chest, before literally chewing the were’s head off.

“I got your carpet wet,” admits Bloody Eric apologetically, his speech garbled by the bits of man-dog still lodged in his teeth. (He’s been alive for centuries, and still NO ONE has taught him not to speak with his mouth full. Someone clearly needs a Mommy!)

Eric and Sookie then head back into Sookie’s already corpse crowded backyard to bury the latest Trophy of Love. Sookie is not so much bothered by the fact that someone died in her house, as she is by the fact that Eric killed him before she could “mind read” him in to giving up Bill’s whereabouts. And you just KNOW that Eric’s got it bad for the spunky barmaid, when he actually responds to her ungrateful idiocy by APOLOGIZING!

My heart really went out to Mr. Macho Vamp, as he sheepishly admitted to Sookie that he might not have been strong enough to save her from the V-strengthened werewolf, had they held off any longer on killing him. Talk about having your metaphorical balls cut off! That admission really had to hurt.

On their little romantic post burial stroll back home, Sookie tells Eric that she must go to Jackson to find and rescue Bill. “Do us all a favor and stay out of trouble,” warns Eric. “You are no good to anyone, if you are killed.” (Awwwww! He so LUUUUUVES HER!)

The next afternoon, after putting together an impromptu funeral for Tara’s Eggs . . .

Sunny side DOWN . . .

. . . Sookie is scrubbing up her bloody floor, when a mysterious stranger approaches her from behind. (Wink, wink!) She hears the stranger thinking about how pretty and blonde she is, and immediately runs into the house. But the stranger is faster and more powerful. He wraps his big sexy arms around her waist, and says “Eric Northman sent me. I’m here to look at your boobs after you.”

Clearly Eric has a lot of confidence in his “stamina” to be OK with Sookie going on vacation with a guy who looks like this.

Typically, werewolves and vampires don’t mix. However, Alcide apparently owes some sort of debt to Eric that is in need of repayment. So, off head Sookie and Alcide to Lou Pines, a hardcore werewolf biker bar.

Lou Pines? Really? Is that the best you can do, Alan Ball? I could think of about a thousand cooler names for a werewolf bar than this. How about, for example, “The Hair of the Dog (that Bit You),” or “No Fleas,” or “WERE’S the Beer?” (Get it, “were,” like in WEREwolf . . . never mind.)

Anyway at Lame-O Lou Pines, Sookie puts on her dumb blonde act, in hopes of getting some information on Mr. Bill. She reads one dude’s mind and figures out he was one of the were’s that kidnapped Bill in his car. (Sheesh! How many werewolves were IN that car, anyway? Because I’m pretty sure we’ve met at least six already. Bill must have one of those clown cars, I used to see in the circus . . .)

“We’ll all be expecting our SAG cards in the mail, thank you!”

Random Clown Car Werewolf catches wind that Sookie is not the brainless bimbo she seems, and starts attacking her. In typical True Blood male fashion, Alcide tries to jump in and rescue her. He gets in a few good punches, before the rest of the werepack starts beating the crap out of him. Luckily, the owner of the bar (Lou Pine, I presume?), breaks up the fight and kicks out the offending weres. Then, in a complete non-sequitur moment, the bar owner tells Alcide that his ex-girlfriend is gettting engaged to Coot, head of the Evil Werewolf Clan, the following day, at the bar. (WAY TO STAY CLASSY, Alcide’s ex!)

Hmmm . . . so Alcide’s former girlfriend went from dating this . . .

. . . to this . . .

Color me impressed!

Creepiest O Face, EVER!

Apparently, Sookie and Eric aren’t the only human / vampire pair turned on by random acts of violence. When we last saw Tara, she was punching the stuffing out of some drunkards, while “new in town” vamp Franklin Mott gallantly held them still for her. Now she’s in bed with the new vamp, and the poor girl looks like she’s having a seizure!

Now, I don’t know if this was done on purpose. (Rutina Wesley gave some FANTASTIC O Face, back when she was getting it on with Eggs in Season 2. So I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here.) But, watching this, I honestly couldn’t tell if Tara was enjoying herself, or literally having the life f&*ked out of her.

While doing the deed, Tara begs Franklin to bite her and he refuses. When she asks him why, he replies, “Because you want me to.” (OH NO! That’s never a good sign! RUN TARA! RUN LIKE THE WIND!)

During the post-coital cuddling session, Tara basically blows Franklin off, telling her she can’t be in a relationship now and blah, blah, blah. But, of course, this wouldn’t be True Blood, if Tara wasn’t being beaten up, mind controlled, and abused. So, when Franklin visits Tara at Sookie’s house, where she is staying for the time being, it didn’t surprise me at all they he compels her against her will to let him in. Here we go again . . .

(Sidenote: If Vampires can COMPEL or GLAMOUR humans to invite them into their homes, why don’t they do it all the time? Isn’t that the ultimate loophole?)

Vampire Jessica just got in over her HEAD . . .

“I’d rather be taking my SAT’s, than dealing with this sh*t.”

The Good News is Vampire Jessica’s “dad’s” house doesn’t have that awful smell anymore. The Bad News is that Jessica’s lost something you can’t exactly pick up at the local Lost and Found. (And NO, I’m not talking about her eternal virginity).

In a classic little scene, Jessica calls Vampire Pam to ask for advice on her little problem. Just like her maker, Vampire Pam apparently never learned not to talk with her mouth full. She picks up the phone right in the middle of doing something that rhymes with . . . bug crunching?

“Oh, don’t be such a prude, TV Recapper! I was eating out! What’s the big deal?”

Vampire Pam basically tells Jessica not to worry about the whole Missing Person Thing. “No body, no problem,” she says, more or less.

Later, however, Vampire Jessica is visited by that Pesky Vamp, Franklin Mott . . .

. . . who, apparently, has a gift for her . . . the severed head of that Missing Dude she killed! (Hoyt found the rest of his body, buried in Bon Temps). Mott basically plans to blackmail Vampire Jessica — keeping her murderous tendencies a secret, in exchange for information on Vampire Bill.

(Uh . . . Franklin, that was a nice “gift” and all, but I think she would have preferred a necklace . . .)

Miscellaneous Plot Points

Before I get to the episode’s “Big TWIST,” let’s get the other minor storylines out of the way . . . .

First, Jason Stackhouse is HOT!

But, you knew that already . . . What you didn’t know was that he wants to become a cop!

NO! Not an angel! I said a COP!

But he couldn’t go through with the application process, because he kept seeing bullet holes in people’s heads, as a result of his guilt over killing Eggs.

Sheriff Budd randomly quit the police force, because he got tired of looking at dead bodies. That means that this guy will probably end up in charge . . .

Arlene is pregnant, which means the stupidest baby in Bon Temps is about to be born . . .

But it’s not Terry’s . . . which begs the question, “Who else, in their right mind, would screw Arlene “So I Married a Serial Killer” Fowler?”

Sam’s family is a bunch of alcoholic hicks . . . and his biological brother and dad hate him.

But at least he looks nice with his shirt off . . .

Finally, Eric gave Lafayette a hot new car, so he could conduct his V-dealing business in style.

Lafayette is thrilled. Wouldn’t you be?

Vampire Bill is Turning Heads Everywhere He Goes!

Back at the Big GayVampire King of Mississippi’s house, Russell “stops, drops, and rolls” burning Lorena up in an expensive rug.

Talbot is PISSED!

King Russell then more or less threatens to harm Sookie, if Bill doesn’t leave Queen Sophie Anne’s “kingdom” in Louisianna, and pledge “fealty” to him in Mississippi. That morning(?), while Bill is sleeping, he flashes back to his early “baby vamp” days, when he visited his wife (that chick who played Ryan’s one time GF Lindsay on the O.C.) . . .

. . . and learned that his son died of “the pox.” When Bill cries tears of blood over the loss of his child, his wife freaks out and shoots a hole in his arm. Giving Bill her best “I told you so,” face, Vampire Lorena, convinces him to glamour his wife so that she forgets about his reappearance. “Vampires will only cause humans pain. The only way we can show love for humans, is by leaving them,” she says, more or less.

Pained by the memory of his wife, Bill walks downstairs and immediately agrees to be Vampire Russell’s b&tch for all eternity. When Lorena comes by to gloat . . .

. . . Vampire Bill screws her, while trying to rip her head off. But instead of breaking her neck, he ends up twisting her head around, like she’s some perverse pornographic Gumby doll.