Tag Archives: hallucination

The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

stiles in strife

 

honeybadger dont care

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“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

good at something

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

old riddler

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

gay dancing riddler

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

demon wolf

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

cyber smurf

voldemorteet

funny face grandpa

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

whose behind the mask

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

crying stiles

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

whose behind the mask 2

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

nogitsune teeth

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

crawling

 

panic now

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

hot girl

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

wazzuuuup

wazzup

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

can you hear me now scott

hear me now

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

i think i just

“I think I just pissed my self.”

orly

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

thinker

 

the_thinker

 

lydia smirk

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

sexy time

artschool

standing

bose

 

hi stiles

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

dammit

deflated balloon

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

ep 9 obviously stiles

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

pulling strings

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

crazy board

4 12 psycho handbook

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

likes you  a lot

 

the picture 1

 

the picture 2

 

evil tree

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

red unsolved

 

colored strings

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

shin light

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

bloody foot

 

ust chillin

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

disappearing self

damon dont judge

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

daddy o

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

haha

 

darth vader

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

going to die

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

on the roof sniffing

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

winky stiles

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

derek to andre

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

sterek next to eachother

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

touching string

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

now im crazy gg plotholes

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

lyd and sty

stydia kiss 6

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

not there

lydia brave tatikatelena

Or was he . . . .?

self

 

mischeivous stiles

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

2 16 damon says stop talking

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

shut up

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

here's a story about my pee

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

rescued

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

gameovertoiletBig

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

kira and derek

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

bat the bat

im batman haa

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

sad dad

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

broken eggs

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

gives me joy

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

bromance

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

great cap

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

crying stiles in hos

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

thanks mommy the mri

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

doctor-bot-operation

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

lyd screams

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

eyes open

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

great shot

toilet paper on floor

good stiles

STILES?!

bad stiles more

 

BabyScared

Wait . . . what?

take off shadow

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

shadow self

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

no thank you

 

stydia big 2

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

explosion

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

electrifying

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

bamf

 

honeybadger dont care

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

stiles doesn't care

 

bored now

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

foxfire

ah no

 

surprised-face

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

two allisons

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

unamused

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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The Importance of Being an Ugly Ass Baby Doll – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “More Bad Than Good.”

hungry

Greetings, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, Stiles learned how to read, Allison learned how to shoot, and Scott learned how to roar.  We also got to see a lot of people naked (Both girls and boys!), and learned a word in Spanish!

la loba

“La Loba”

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty successful hour of television.  Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, all of the screencaps you see here are courtesy of Andre the Awesomesauce! Thanks Andre!:)]

Because having ten fingers is totally overrated . . .

When we last left Peter and Derek, they were both mostly naked . . .

derek body

Source

clap

And having millions of bolts of electricity shot through their body at painfully regular intervals .  . .

electroshock therapy

electrifying

boo nolan

This week, Peter and Derek are exactly where we left them . . .

vlcsnap-2014-01-14-19h17m35s198

. . . except now they have company.  Hello, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman of a Super Villain from Every Comic Book and Tom Clancy Novel Movie Adaptation I Have Ever Seen.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance . . . again.

weel keeel

mr_clean

This incarnation of Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is kind of chatty.   He keeps babbling on about something called La Loba.  “Where is La Loba?”  He demands.  (My helpful friends at Google Translate tell me La Loba means “The She-Wolf.”  It’s also a song by Shakira.  But since the latter can easily be found on YouTube or ITunes, we assume Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman is referring to the former.  This show is called Teen Wolf, after all.)

sour wolf

Derek and Peter, half of whom are really smart guys (cough, cough, Peter only, cough), are completely baffled by Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman’s inquiry, probably because, being naked, they lack easy access to their iPhones and Google Translate.  And, of course, Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman is much too glib to translate for them.

ep 7 in spanish

This is a shame, because I suspect, if they knew what Mr. Strongly-Accented Henchman was seeking, they could be much more helpful.  I mean, who knows more She-Wolves than a pack of werewolves, right?  We’ve already met a few of them ourselves.  (Kali – dead, Laura – dead, Cora – playing Lady Mary on the show Reign MIA, Derek’s mother, supposedly dead, but probably not).

keen werewolf senses

Unfortunately for the Hales, Mr. Strongly-Accented Generic Henchman seems much more interested in administering “electro-shock” therapy, waving around chainsaws, and doing his best impersonation of Benicio del Toro’s character in Savages than extracting actual information from our heroes . . . at least, until his Mommy comes home.

throw mama from the train

Mommy Bad Guy may not be much to look at.  She’s wearing the ugliest wig I’ve ever seen, and appears to have taken her wardrobe cues from Tyler Perry’s Madea. 

frumpy mom

tyra

But she’s a much more effective interrogator than her son.  “WHERE IS THE SHE-WOLF?” She asks immediately.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Finally, someone willing to translate!  But despite now having all the necessary information, Derek and Peter still won’t answer.  Well, now they are just being obstinate!

mr. stubborn

Peter offers alternative form of payment.  He’ll sing for his captors, which, is actually something I’d really like to hear .  . . Teen Wolf Karaoke, a great idea for a spinoff show, if ever there was one.  But Mommy Bad Guy doesn’t strike me as one very appreciative of the arts.  So, instead, she cuts one of Peter’s fingers off.  I think it was his middle finger.  Very fitting, under the circumstances . . .

thumbkin

I think it’s facing in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Beacon Hills . . .

The Douchebag Cometh

After surprising one another in the woods, and making each other scream like little girls . . .

ahh stiles

Apparently, the Big Bad Wolf is sometimes still afraid of Little Red Riding Hood . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

 . . . Scott and Stiles come upon what they believe to be Werecoyote Malia’s lair.  It’s small.  It’s dark.  It’s dingy and poorly furnished.  It’s basically my old dorm room . . . minus a few shot glasses, broken Christmas lights, and cheaply framed movie posters.

dorm

love college

The guys call Stiles’ dad for backup.  So, of course, Scott’s asshat dad has to show up too.   You know that guy who no one ever remembers inviting to their parties, but, somehow he always ends up showing up anyway to clog your toilet bowl, and eat up all your Tostitos and dip?  That’s 100% Scott’s dad.

le douche

What’s worse, Scott’s daddy dearest brings Malia’s highly unstable father along for the ride, for seemingly no other reason than just to be a prick.  Daddy McCall claims he’s helping Malia’s dad gain “closure.”

malia dad

Naaah . . . being a prick seems like a much more logical explanation to me.

nodding oh yeah

It’s Hard Out There for a Kitsune Girl Named Kira

At school, New Girl Kira is adorably awkward, and a big ole nerd, with the “couple of hours of research on Bardo” she “typed up” for Scott . . . just because.

you knew that

This, coupled with the fact that her dad totally harshes on her game, by embarrassing her at every opportunity, and, pretty much treating her like she’s an eight-year old girl experiencing her first crush on a boy, I assume, is supposed to make us like her.

research for boyi so want to hit that

Translation : “Can you and I have sex soon?”

my daughter totally wants to hit that

“My daughter is not the best communicator, Mr. McCall.  What she’s really saying is that she wants to bone you, ASAP.”

she absolutely wants to hit this

“I’m not 100% sure.  But I think Kira might be sexually attracted to me.”

Except .  . . remember the last love interest that was adorably awkward and a big ole nerd?

heart of darkness

And we all know what happened to her . . .

evil jenny

darach

Suffice it to say, I’m not going out to buy any Team Skira t-shirts, until I’m 100% certain this adorably awkward nerd and her dad aren’t this season’s Foxy Big Bads . . .

big bad

Fool me once, shame on you, Teen Wolf.  Fool my twice . . . well, you know the rest.

Kira’s dad loses even more Cool Points with me, by picking on newly illiterate Stiles, of all people, to read in front of the class.  Last week, Stiles was only illiterate about half the time, usually when he was dreaming.  Now, it appears he’s gone full-on Prime Candidate for Hooked on Phonics. I don’t know about you, but, to me, this is starting to look a whole lot less like a Nemeton-Induced Bardo problem and a whole lot more like a Brain Tumor Problem.

what about you

reading is hard

“Couldn’t I start with something a bit easier . .  . you know, like a Dr. Seuss book . . . or Twilight.”

falling words

And wouldn’t that be the ultimate twist?  To have a seemingly supernatural problem on the show explained by completely mundane, scientific, means?  Vision problems, mood swings, personality alterations, sudden illiteracy, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, distorted realities . . . these all just happen to be symptoms of a brain tumor . . . just saying . . .

not a tumor

Standing in front of the classroom, as the words on the page in front of him, literally fall to his feet, Stiles begins to understandably have a panic attack, and rushes from the room.  (Where’s Lydia to stick her tongue down your throat, when you need her?  Am I right?)

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

make it stop please

ignore problem

Scott rushes to the restroom to help his suffering bestie.  However, his method of curing Stiles (having the tearful and panting boy count his fingers) is not nearly as fast acting, or fun to watch, as Lydia’s solution.  Eventually, however, it works.

no extra digits

“See no extra digits. . . unless I pull down my pants.  Do you want me to pull down my pants?  Because I’d do that for you, Stiles?  That’s what friends are for.”

no dont pull down your pants

“Thanks for the generous offer. But I would strongly prefer your not pulling down your pants.”

Meanwhile, Kira offers to bring Scott and Stiles the bags they left in class during their hasty departures, because she’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer, when it comes to her plans to get into Scott’s wolfy pantalones.

i so want to hit that

“Yoo hoo,  I have your book bag.  Will you please have sex with me now?”

Ease up, Kira, honey.  You are on a show with an extremely limited female population.  Chances are, assuming you don’t die in the next episode or so you’re eventually going to be able to hit that, regardless.  So, maybe trying playing a bit hard to get . . . let the wolf come to YOU. Just saying.

hes-just-not-that-into-you-photo

As payback for her over-eager Flirtation Gambit, Kira gets attacked in school by one extremely territorial were coyote.

i want my doll

“I want my doll!”

baby doll stealing

“Come here and let me eat you, you baby doll stealing turd!”

(With all the teens that get murdered in Beacon Hills on a seemingly daily basis, you would think the school would finally wise up, and invest in a decent security system.  You know, something that would prevent wild, possibly rabid, animals from just popping in, and roaming the locker rooms for a good ten to twenty minutes, before anyone bothers to discover them.)

malia

“Can I see your student ID?”

Were Malia stalks Nerdy Kitsune Kira all the way to the boy’s(?) locker room, even going as far as to jump through glass to get to her.  This would be a really good time to turn into the eight-tailed fox we all know you to secretly be, Kira!

But she doesn’t.  Instead our heroine(?) assumes the damsel in distress role, just like Darach Jenny did before her and waits patiently for Scott to come to her rescue, which of course, he does.  Pushing down an entire row of steel lockers with the same ease that you and I would knock down a row of dominoes, Scott scares off the pretty chick from The Secret Circle the were coyote, and offers future love interest Kira a protective hug.

flick

“Fear not, possible villain!  I will save you from the Pretty Chick from The Secret Circle.”

That’s when the two teens notice what Malia was really after, a creepy baby doll that is peeking out of Scott’s now ripped gym bag.  Now, for most teen girls, carrying around ugly baby dolls in your gym bag would be a total deal breaker in a prospective mate.  But not, Kira.  She’s in loooooove.  You know what?  I take back what I said earlier?  Big Bad Were Fox or not, these two wackadoodles totally deserve one another.

i want my doll scary doll

“Hi, I’m Chuckie.  Wanna play?”

Hey, Look Who Didn’t Die?!

Confession time.  I’m a bit in love with Peter Hale.  How many guys do you know would be able to get their favorite finger chopped off one minute, and be able to calmly make jokes about it in the next?  I mean, the guy asks his captors for antibiotic ointment, and makes it sound like a pick-up line.  Now, that’s talent.

always been the alpha

Up above our sexy naked wolves heads, it begins to rain bullets. Seconds later, Derek and Peter find themselves face-to-face with their leather-clad, gun happy, rescuer.

raining bullets

im back braeden

It’s Braeden!  Remember her?  She’s the one who awesomely rescued Isaac on a motorcycle in the Season Premier, and got her neck chopped into baked ziti for her trouble . . .

soon dead

We all mistakenly thought Braeden was dead, but it appears that she was just home recovering from a really bad boo-boo.  By the way, does anybody really die on this show?  Plot twists like this make me question everything. I mean, maybe Kanaima Master Matt is still alive . . .

drowning matt

Or Kali . . .

kali

Or that Creepy Chemistry Teacher . . .

mr harris

Or Boyd . . . nah, Boyd is definitely dead.

growly boyd

noticing me

Braeden explains that she was hired to rescue Derek by Deucalion, thus proving that the Recession impacts everyone . . . even supernatural, ass-kicking emissaries.  I mean, seriously, would YOU work for the guy who made a spaghetti and meat sauce dinner out of your neck?  Because I wouldn’t .  . .

job

Because saving Sassy Peter Hale wasn’t in the job description, Braeden contemplates leaving him behind.  Then, she remembers, that with Stiles in full-on angst mode this Season, Peter is our show’s sole remaining shot at comic relief.   And so, she goes above her pay grade in service to us, Werebangers.

evil peter pan

Thanks Braeden!  If I could afford to pay you I would.  But since I can’t, I hope you will settle with my not permanently and horribly disfiguring you like your last boss did.  Deal?

Actually, that just gave me an idea!

lightbulb-idea

Maybe Braeden can borrow Isaac’s ridiculously metrosexual scarf to cover up her hideous neck wounds!  Braeden would have more self-confidence. Stiles wouldn’t be able to make fun of Isaac anymore.  Everybody wins!

negativity and scarf

isaac scarf

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You’re welcome, Teen Wolf.

Braedan wisely suggests to her wolf charges that they blow this popsicle stand, before the rest of the cast of Once Upon a Time in Mexico return to finish what they started.  But Derek says no.  The gang can’t leave without their Mysterious Magical Object of the Week.

sexy derek face

*Sigh* Derek . . . you never learn.  Do you?

Speaking of people who can’t seem to leave well enough alone . . .

What’s shakin’, Baby Doll?

Back at school, Stiles is explaining to Scott how Malia was probably after the creepy doll in his bookbag, when WHAM, Malia’s dad magically appears and rips the ugly thing from Stiles’ and Scott’s fingertips like it’s The Ring That Rules Them All and He’s Smeagol.

here i go again

What the hell?  Does this guy have a police scanner in installed in every room of his house?  He just seems to magically pop up anytime anybody mentions his daughter’s name.  It’s almost as if he’s psychically connected to the word.  Say it three times, and he appears . . . like Bloody Mary . . . or the Candyman . . . or Beetlejuice.

Malia’s dad is convinced this doll-loving coyote murdered his family.  And he wants it dead, which is why he’s casually roaming the halls of Beacon Hills High carrying a gun, like it’s no big thing.  Seriously, this school NEEDS A METAL DETECTOR, and maybe a petting zoo.  It’s becoming like Dangerous Minds up in here.

dangerous minds

Scott and his Scooby Gang decide they need to save Malia and get her to turn back into her human form, before her dad inadvertently murders his own flesh and blood in the woods.  But how?  Their first idea is to incapacitate Malia, by shooting her with a tranquilizer gun, and pulling her out of harm’s way.  The problem, of course, is that former expert marksman, Allison, has officially become the worst shot ever.

big shoot

Option 2, get Scott to ROAR Malia back into humanity, using his newfound nifty Alpha Powers that we so far have yet to see.  But that option is problematic too, for two reasons.  (1) Scott is having some serious performance anxiety when it comes to  . . . um . .  . erecting his inner Alpha; and (2) he’s terrified that once he goes Alpha, he’ll get all Manic Gorilla-ey like Peter, murder all his friends, and pretty much remain a monster for all eternity. ..

ep 6 alpha

Quite a pickle . . .

But surely, there must be someone out there who can help Scott learn to Roar like baby Simba in The Lion King, or Katy Perry in that video, where she hangs out in the jungle?  But who?

baby simba

“Hakuna Matata?”

The Bash Brothers

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what beating the crap out of Scott has to do with getting him to harness his Inner Alpha.  But it sure as heck is fun to watch . . .

take it like a bitch

what he said

*insert bad 90’s video game music here*

wham bam

It would be nice to see Scott fight back a little bit though . . .

is this the part where i turn green or gorilla y

“Is this the part where I turn green and start smashing things?”

smash 2

I mean, seriously, dude, you are supposed to be the King of the Jungle . . . the epitome of the Alpha Male.  For heaven sakes, grow a pair!

Meanwhile, the stakes are getting higher, as Malia’s dad busies himself booby-trapping the entire woods around Beacon Hills with coyote traps.  Dude needs a job . . . bad.  The good news is that I hear this church in New Orleans is looking for a new Priest . .  .

priest

Nom-nom, tastes like Allison.

While gearing up to tranquilize Malia, and flirting with Isaac over vials of pee (Sexy!), Allison once again finds herself in a Dream World being tortured by Sweet Auntie Kate.  This time, Allison fantasizes that she’s a corpse with exposed entrails, and an oddly-still beating heart.  Kate is the lead surgeon  / person performing her autopsy?  Oh yeah, she’s also the leader of a pack of vampire-fanged cannibals, who start hungrily munching on her insides, like they are at the Sunday Breakfast Buffet at Dennys.

yummy

this is embarrassig

“Feeling kind of exposed here?  Can someone pass me a towel?”

eating

*insert sloppy eating sounds*

When Allison wakes up, she’s pointing a tranquilizer gun at Isaac’s head.  That’s odd?  She didn’t have a gun in her dream . . .

dont shoot

“Is this foreplay?”

Follow that Doll!

Sheriff Stilinski arrives at Malia’s dad’s house to scold him for potentially chopping off all the pretty manicured toesies of the nice lady joggers in Beacon Hills with his Big Mean Coyote Traps.

busted

“Busted.”

home shopping network

“I have what you would call a Home Shopping Network Problem.”

While there, the two notice a break in the doggie door of the Tate family home that was most certainly not caused by the family dog.

cute dog

“I’m innocent!”

It’s Were-Malia.  She took that damn doll again!  Now, not only is the Scooby Gang on her tail, but deadly daddy is en route as well.  Start your engines, boys!  It’s time for a Chase Scene.

good day for dead coyote

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Because Lydia and Stiles are clearly the Velma and Daphne of this Scooby Gang,  (I leave it to you to decide which is which.)  they, of course, are the ones who finally figure out Were Malia’s true motivations with regard to the Ugly Ass Doll.  Apparently, Ugly Ass Doll belongs to her dead baby sister.  And all the poor little Coyote is trying to do is bring it back to the site where she died, and pay her coyote-ish respects.  Is that too much to ask, dammit?

girls together

i just want to be loved

“See, I’m misunderstood.  I just want to be loved.”

big bad of this ep

The twist:  The real Big Bad of the episode is . . .  wait for it . . . ME!  MR.COYOTE TRAP!

Now, all the Scooby Gang has to do is help Malia get to the car wreck, before her father murders her canine ass.  Easy, right?  Maybe not . . .

Within seconds, Isaac and Lydia both have their toesies stuck in coyote traps.  Allison can’t shoot.  Stiles can’t read the instructions to dismantle the traps.   And Scott can’t roar.  This is one sorry ass Scooby Gang, if I ever saw one.

and another one down

And another one down . . .

another one down

another one down . . .

another one bites the dust

another one bites the dust . . .

With just ten minutes left in the episode, Allison, Scott and Stiles must cure their psychological demons fast.  Allison, with some encouraging words from her “anchor” Isaac, starts talking to herself in French, and, just like that she’s CURED!  Hooray.

so tired

Nighty, night Papa Tate!  Have a nice nap!

alli

“Back to being awesome.  Thank you very much.”

Unfortunately, Stiles still can’t read.  So, his anchor Lydia has to go with a Plan B.  “Words are so last season,” Lydia explains to Stiles.   “Geniuses like you and me, don’t need to read.  We just know stuff, because the plot makes it so.”

makethemwonder143

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And so, Stiles The Genius calmly dismantles the trap from Lydia’s toesies.   And small children everywhere learn that reading is for losers, and totally unnecessary for your survival, provided you have a pretty red head at your side to solve your mental problems for you.  Thanks, Teen Wolf!

halloween scaring kids silent-boulevard

As for Scott, well . . . you held him down, but he got up!  Already brushing off the dust.  You hear his voice, you hear that sound, like thunder going to shake the ground.   I’m tired of quoting this song.  But, long story short, you are going to hear him roar, dammit!

alpha now

Mufasa would be proud, Young McCall . . . (Pumba and Timon too.)

Bamn!  Were Coyote Malia presto change-os back into the pretty chick from The Secret Circle. 

why am i naked

“Where’s the rest of my coven?  How did I get here?  Why am I naked?  Whose the guy with the fugly face?”

i did it

“Hey I didn’t make disparaging comments about you when you were in canine form!”

She returns to her dad, and everyone lives happily ever after . . . apart from about 7 or 8 years of intense psychological damage, and the fact that this is an 18-year old girl with the education level of a fourth grader. 

your pretty daughter

hugs

DAD: “I’m going to try really hard not to blame you for inadvertently bringing about the rest of our family’s death.”

MALIA: “Cool, I’ll try really hard not to blame you for very purposefully trying to murder me for the past nine years of my life.”

The good news is that now Stiles can have company in his Hooked on Phonics Class!  But wait . . . magically, at the end of the episode, Stiles can read signs on dashboard mirrors.  He’s cured!

i can read

ep 10 happy stiles

Sorry Malia, looks like you have to remain a lone wolf, after all . .  .

And now for your weekly cliffhangers. . .

In their former captors’ casa, Derek and Peter find a box filed with  . . . wait for it .. .

mountain ash

Haha, I knew I’d get use out of that ridiculous gif again.  Anywhoo, inside the . . .

mountain ash

 . . . is a trinket with a mysterious symbol on it . ..

pretty

So, basically all that mountain ash was just really expensive bubble wrap . . . Sorry boys!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m sure that trinket will end up being Super Important.  I’m just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.  Just call me, Sassy Peter.)

Elsewhere, someone pulled up a plant from the nemeton, causing fireflies to escape and turn into . . . Firefly People?

firefly people

Got any bug spray?  Something tells me Beacon Hills is about to need A LOT of bug spray . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

 hi stiles

 

 

 

 

 

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A Good Day to Be an Underdog – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We all go a little mad sometimes”

So many really great pornos started just like this.  Except, if this was a porno, Damon would be wearing a fireman’s hat or a Superman cape . . . and nothing else . . .

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” Fangbangers.  It’s a movie quote that I thought originated from the 90’s horror classic, Scream.

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But apparently, it’s even older than that . . . like, Psycho OLD . . .

The promos for this week’s episode (and its title) were misleading . . . in a good way.  What many of us thought would be a rather annoying episode about Elena’s Trip to Wacky Town  . . .

. . . actually ended up being less about our female protagonist’s episode-long psychosis, and more about the series‘ underdogs finally getting their time to shine, whether that meant getting the girl, saving the day, or making yet another hybrid’s head into a Pez dispenser, just to add some ink to their arm tattoos   . . .

Then again, whether Damon and Klaus could actually be considered underdogs on this show, is likely a point of contention among fans . . .

Nonetheless, “We all go a little mad sometimes,” was definitely a “game changer: of an episode, more of one, perhaps, than any of the episodes that preceded it, this season.  So, hold on to your heads, your hearts, and your sunscreen rings, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Why you should always think twice, before stabbing people in the carotid artery . . .

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JEREMY: “If you didn’t want me to make you waffles for breakfast, you could have just said so.”

You know what sucks about hallucinating that every single person you know looks exactly like That Dude You Killed?

“I must just have one of those faces . . .”

Well, aside from the obvious, there’s a really good chance, you’ll end up murdering your baby brother in the kitchen, by jabbing a steak knife into his carotid artery.

Sh*t happens . . .

First of all, you’ve really got to hand it to Elena Gilbert.  I mean, I’ve heard of people who sleep walk, sleep talk, sleep eat, even sleep drive, but Sleep Kill?  Now, that’s impressive . . .

The episode begins with Elena awakening from a bad dream, and heading to the kitchen for a hot drink, only to find Hotty the Ex Vampire Slayer, standing before her all broody and bloody.  For a guy who got knifed in voice box, Dead Connor sure is chatty. He’s yammering on and on to Elena about how he has a brother, and how he died in an unmarked grave, and Boo Hoo Hoo WAHHHH.

Could you really blame Elena for wanting to shut him up again, by poking a fork in his kneck, like a chef testing how well his meat is cooked?  Except, there’s one slight problem.  Connor doesn’t exist anymore.  And Mini Gilbert just so happens to be standing in his place . . .

“If you people don’t stop poking holes in my body, every time you go temporarily insane, or are just in a really bad mood, I’m going to compel myself back to Denver . . .”

That makes a whopping THREE deaths for Jeremy, who had his neck snapped by Damon, in Season 2, and was shot by Sheriff Forbes at the end of that same season.  This new death, at the hands of his own sister, doesn’t quite land Jeremy in Alaric territory . . . I mean, that guy died like 580 times .  . .

. . . and lord knows how many times Rebekah and Elijah have met the sharp end of that White Oak stake.

However, it still gives Mystic Falls’ resident Scrappy Doo a one up on his sister, who, so far, has only croaked twice . . .which, on this show, is like a walk in the park . . .

While Elena waits for her brother’s Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality to kick in, she calls Damon for moral support.  After all, if anyone knows what it feels like to temporarily kill Jeremy Gilbert, it’s Damon.

Also, Saint Stefan’s vampire buzzkill ways, coupled with a few recent fibs on his part, not to mention the surprise resurgence of his obviously sexual relationship with one Klausipoo (Come on, those two aren’t fooling ANYBODY!) have been enough to move the younger Salvatore brother down one notch on Elena’s Emergency Contacts list . . .

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STEFAN: *whistles uncomfortably*

But then Damon calls Stefan to come over . . . I think because the poor blue-eyed vamp has become so used to getting denied nookie on this show that he’s started to cockblock himself . . .

Except Elena doesn’t want to talk to Stefan, she wants to have We Both Killed Jeremy Gilbert Once, But that Doesn’t Necessarily Make Us Bad People Sex with Damon! take a shower, thank you very much!

 

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This would be a great commercial for dishwasher detergent.  “Look NO DISHPAN HANDS!”

Unfortunately, for Elena, once she’s alone again, her hallucinations start kicking back into high gear.  What’s a baby vamp to do?

“Eat my feelings?”

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

There Ain’t No Party Like a Headless Hybrid Party . . .

Tyler, Hayley, and the rest of their Wacky Woof Pack have apparently spent the night repeatedly toasting to the life of That Random Hybrid that Got Blown Up Last Week, but not to the life of That Random Hybrid Who Got His Head Chopped Off Two Weeks Ago, thus proving that, much like high school, every Wacky Woof Pack has it’s jocks that people actually care about, and its mathletes that they don’t.  Sucks to be you, Headless Hybrid Number 22!

Then, Hayley does this thing where she seductively feeds Tyler booze from her finger.  And I guess it’s supposed to be sexy.  But as anyone who’s actually been up all night partying knows, all-night partiers’ fingers are the last places you want to be licking (well, almost the last places), because you have no idea where they’ve been . . .

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“Contrary to popular belief, my mouth is NOT your sink.”

Caroline comes flouncing in at that moment in a huff to engage in the ex-girlfriend ritual of “returning ex-boyfriend’s belongings in a box.”

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I don’t know . . . taking the time to pack your exes crap in a box, just so you can hand deliver it to him . . . it seems like a lot of work to me.  Personally, I like to throw all my ex-boyfriends’ sh*t in my cat’s litterbox, and let her do the rest of the dirty work.  But that’s just me . . .

“I knew my hat smelled funny.”

It sure makes Klaus happy though, who just so “happens” to walk in at the moment all this is going down.  The Original Hybrid wastes absolutely no time giving Caroline those trademark googly eyes that say, “When you’re done playing FedEx Delivery Girl with Tyler, come play Naughty Nurse with me.”

But it looks like the joke might be on Klaus.  Because, the minute the blonde vamp exits stage right, Hayley and Caroline are patting one another on the back for a ruse well-played, and Tyler and Caroline are tonguing one another, like it’s their job.  (Be careful, Caroline.   Tyler’s tongue just had Hayley’s all-night party finger all over it.  Can you say, Germ Party?)

 

Turns out, the whole scene was just a ruse to throw Klaus off the gangs’ Master Plan to free all the hybrids from their Master’s Sire Bond.  In fact, one hybrid named Chris is already a success story.  Sorry Chris.  We all know what happens to hybrids who get a name that isn’t “Tyler,” don’t we?

Enjoy having a name, and partying with Sexy Finger-Sucking Hayley, while you can.  Because it looks like you just got a first class, one-way ticket to the Hybrid Pez Head Hall of Fame . . .

Adventures in Babysitting Elena Gilbert . . .

After paying his hybrids a visit, Klaus calls his boyfriend Stefan for a quick booty call.  I can’t tell you exactly what he says.  But I suppose it goes something like this:

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“Hey my Ripper Stud!  How’s it hanging?  Has your not-nearly-as-good-in-the-sack-as-me girlfriend started going all loony tunes from killing a vampire hunter yet?  She has?  So, in other words, both my love interests’ significant others are misbehaving, and making me look gooooood.  This must be my lucky day! Pull down your pants.  I’m coming over.”

Klaus explains to Stefan that part of the Curse of the Five is that, when a vampire kills one of them, the dead hunters spirit haunts that vampire until he or she offs herself . . . you know, permanently.  Klaus wants Stefan to lend him Elena to make sure she doesn’t rid the show of it’s main female protagonist.  Stefan is understandably leery of his boyfriend’s promise.  After all, we all know what happened the last time Klaus “borrowed,” Elena . . .

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Elena chooses this exact moment to mistake Damon for Dead!Connor.  And, within minutes, the latter rushes right into Klaus’ waiting arms . . .

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All of the sudden, this show just became one of those “zany” sitcoms, where the main character loses the kid he’s babysitting for, and has to go on all these CRAZY adventures, to find the kid, before The Parents get home . . .

A Christmas Carol – Mystic Falls Edition

Klaus locks Elena in one of those elegant-looking dungeons that all civilized super villains seem to have built into their homes.  It’s there that Crazy!Elena starts morphing into Mystic Falls’ version of Ebenezer Scrooge.  And just in time for the holidays!

We’ve already seen Elena be visited by the Ghost of Vampire Present, a.k.a Hot!Dead Connor. But now it’s time for Elena to get a glimpse into her vampire future, a.k.a Katherine.  I have to say, though I was initially annoyed that the writers took the time to bring back Elena’s Vixen Doppelganger, only to have her be little more than a figment of Schizo!Elena’s warped imagination, I kind of enjoyed watching Nina Dobrev so expertly turn her own alter ego to mush, with some awesomely biting insults.

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It’s hard being That Girl in the show or the movie, with whom all the hot supernatural creatures are madly in love, who always seems to need saving, and who is inadvertently responsible for most, if not all, of the untimely deaths in the series.  Because, as much as female fans might want to be you, a lot of them will also want to shove pointy objects up your ass, or, at the very least, feed you lard, and make your face break out in lots of pimples.  Just ask Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse . . .

So, while loving Vampire Diaries means, at least to some extent, loving Elena Gilbert, we all also hate her a little bit too.  And the part of us that hates her, got a real kick out of hearing our complaints about the character emerge directly from the mouth of Katherine Petrova . . .

In which I hope Professor Boo Radley doesn’t end up being this Silas Guy (because then I won’t be able to call him Professor Boo Radley anymore) . . .

Our Scooby Gang always seems to be searching for some “cure,” don’t they?  Just last week, they were hunting for a cure for vampirism, now they are seeking out a Cure for Crazy.  Their Pal Bon-Bon suggests that Professor Boo Radley might be just the guy to give them the answers they are seeking.

Worst Show and Tell EVER!

For the second time this season, we are subjected to another one of Boo Radley’s boring lectures about the occult . . .

.  . . except this one is about a seriously pissed-off dude named Silas, who literally lives under a rock.  It also raises some questions.  Could this Big Bad Silas guy be “the cure” to vampirism everyone is talking about?  Is Professor Boo Radley his alter ego, a la Clark Kent and Super Man?  Does this mean, I’m going to actually have to start listening to Professor Boo Radley, when he talks instead of sleeping, or taking a bathroom break, because his words might actually be important to the show’s mythology?  Man, I hope not . . .

As Matt cleverly pointed out, during his random chat with Damon at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls (Damon is still ordering drinks for Alaric, by the way.  How adorable is that?) . . .

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 . . . anyone who knows anything in this town is just assumed creepy, until proven otherwise.  And Professor Boo Radley sure does seem to know a lot about The Five.  Not only was he IN CAHOOTS with Hot!Connor, he also seemed to have been IN CAHOOTS! with that wackadoodle Pastor Young from the premiere episode.  Did I mention it was Professor Boo Radley, who conveniently clued in the rest of the Scooby Gang to the information they needed to secure Jeremy Gilbert’s status as a new vampire hunter?

Something smells fishy about Professor Boo Radley, and it’s not just all that gel he uses in his hair, or that his hippy dippy candlelit office probably reeks of patchouli.  It’s something else . ..  something BAAAAAAD . . .

In which we continue our trend of senselessly murdering hybrids, and Caroline takes her turn as the romantic lead . . .

Armed with the information they received about The Five, the Scooby Gang formulates a new two-pronged Save Elena plan.  First, free her from Klaus clutches, with the help of no-longer-sired-to-Klaus-hybrid Chris.  Then, get Jeremy to kill a vampire, thereby activating himself as a new member of The Five, and simultaneously breaking the hold DeadHOT! Connor has on Nutzo!Elena before she kills herself . . . again.

The first part seems like it should be easy.  After all, with Scooby Gang sympathizer Chris guarding her door, all Stefan really has to do is walk right in and free Elena, right.  Except, like I said, Stefan  is the Worst Babysitter in the World!

So, of course, two minutes after Stefan walks through that dungeon door, Elena is all, “Stefan, when did you turn into a hot bald black man who’s trying to kill me? AHHHHHHHH!”

She runs out.  And he loses her, AGAIN . . .

I know I shouldn’t be laughing at Stefan’s pain, and Elena’s psychoses, but I totally am . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Klaus flirts some more with Caroline.  And she uses her feminine wiles to get the Original Hybrid on board with the Scooby Gang’s plan to “activate Jeremy” and “save Elena.”

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Whether your Team Klaroline or Team Forwood, you have to admit, Candice Accola and Joseph Morgan are fun to watch on screen together.  Their chemistry is just so different than the one that exists between Caroline and Tyler, that it makes this new love triangle, which could come off as stale or cliche with lesser actors, something fresh and interesting . . .

That said, I couldn’t have been the only one rolling my eyes, when Klaus told Caroline that if Tyler was still sired to him, the baby hybrid would never hurt the Vampire Barbie.  REALLY?  Says the guy who, just last season, used his sire bond to get Tyler to POISON CAROLINE WITH HIS SALIVA and almost kill her, just so Klaus could come to her rescue?

Here’s some advice, Klaus:  when trying to woo your lady love, play toward your strengths: buying expensive jewelery and dresses, offering up exotic vacations, doing that panty-dropping smirk thing you do, drawing ponies . . .

Save the “Honorable Guy / Hero” stuff for your adversary, Tyler, because it just doesn’t work for you . . .

Shortly thereafter, in a scene that upset me more than I thought it would, Sort-of Anonymous Hybrid Chris runs into Klaus, just moments after helping Team Scooby and paving the way toward his freedom.  The Original Hybrid stabs the poor guy, and then steps aside while Sweet Little Jeremy hacks off the head of yet another hybrid, in order to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA . . . the only difference is that, unlike the first one he killed, this one was genuinely a nice guy.  Too bad the writers had to go and give him a name . . .

I know a lot of people were disappointed in Tyler for throwing that glass at the wall in anger, upon learning that, not only had he pretty much hand delivered his fellow pack member to certain death, but that Caroline agreed to go on a date with Klaus, in order to ensure that it would happen.  But personally, I think that anger was kind of justified, under the circumstances.  Old Season 1 Tyler probably would have broken a heck of a lot worse than a wine glass, had that happened to him . . .

In which Damon Salvatore saves the day (AND quotes an 80’s movie), all in the same hour!

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Damon uses his expert knowledge of Elena to conclude that her wackadoodle self ran off to Wickory Bridge, i.e. “the place where it all began.”  But before he can find her, we get a fun little scene where The Ghost of Elena’s Vampire Present (Hot!DEAD! Connor), and the Ghost of Elena’s Evil! Vampire Future (Missing! Vampire Katherine) team up with the Ghost of Elena’s Not-So-Vampire Past (Mommy!) team up for a fun little game I like to call “Get Elena to kill herself.”

Now, if Connor Ghost was creepy, and Katherine Ghost was intellectually satisfying, Mommy Ghost was just frigging hilarious, though,  I suspect the last was not entirely intentional.  Come on . . . the blank expression she had on her face . . . the Stepford Wife smile . . . her complete lack of irony, as she told Elena, “Hey, you were an awesome human daughter, but as a vampire, you suck.  You should totally throw yourself off the bridge, honey, and join your underwater parents, whose corpses might still be there.  It’s what a Good Daughter would do . . .

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“Hmmm . . . I wonder what I’m having for dinner tonight.  I’m so tired of fish.”

Dramatic music blares in the background, as Elena stares over the bridge, and THROWS AWAY HER SUNSCREEN RING . . .

Now, that’s just a waste of perfectly good jewelry, not to mention environmentally unsound.  Just think about all the fish with insanely small heads who might choke on that ring . . .

Fortunately, Yummy Damon appears just moments after Jeremy chopped off Poor Chris’ head, thereby breaking the Suicide Spell on Elena FOREVER . . . or, at least, until the show comes up with another Spell That Puts Elena’s Life in Danger . . .

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The two of them exchange A LOOK . . . you know, the one.  It’s a look that says.

DAMON: “Hey sexy.  I’m so glad your still dead, but not, you know . . . DEAD, DEAD.  I’d really like to have sex with you right here on this bridge, where you keep almost dying.”

ELENA: “Hey hot stuff.  I’m so glad you came to see me at the exact same spot where I chose Stefan over you, and was punished for doing so by DYING.  Also, I’d really like to have sex with you right on this bridge, because why not?

Then, the SUN COMES UP, which would normally be poignant and romantic . . . a metaphor for LIFE AND HOPE, except . . .

Well . . . this is a dead chick we’re talking about who just threw her sunscreen ring in river, so . . . OOPS.

Worry not, it’s Damon to the rescue!  He grabs Elena, and jumps into the water with her like Superman, saving her supernatural jewelry, just like he saved her vervain necklace, back in the day.

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Except, this time, Elena is SUPER APPRECIATIVE .  . . so appreciative that when Damon comes to see her in her bedroom the following morning she . . . wait for it . . .

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. . . fondles his . . . fingers.

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DARN . . . so close, right?  But wait . . . there’s more.

“It’s not you, it’s me . . . and my vampire sex urges for your older brother.”

Elena and Stefan have a heart to heart on the porch, after self-sacrificing brother extraordinaire Damon finally came clean to Elena about the whole “vampire cure” thing.  But for those of us who assumed we’d be subjected to YET another Stelena makeup scene, BOY were we wrong.  In a confession that literally caused my jaw to drop, Elena admitted to Stefan that her feelings for DAMON were growing stronger, and that she was not the same person with whom Stefan fell in love.

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And in a confession that dropped my jaw further, Stefan AGREED.

And then, they BROKE UP!

Holy crap!  For four years, Delena fans have been waiting for Elena to FINALLY recognize and give in to her romantic feelings for Damon.  But we never expected it to happen like this . . . It all just seemed so . . .matter-of-fact?

In a way, it’s the perfect time for the writers to explore the Delena relationship.  Not only does it give a nice nod to how Damon and Elena came together in the book series, it also makes sense.  While Stefan’s adoration of Elena remains largely fixated on the person she was . . . Damon has shown her, time and time, again, this season, that he loves, not only the young woman she was, but also the vampire she’s becoming . . .  His love is without condition or judgment.

It is accepting of Elena’s new-found impulses and flaws.  And while Elena is learning to accept her new self, she needs to be with the kind of man who can accept her too . . .

If I had to express one gripe about the way all this went down, it would be that, in the context of the season, it seemed to come a bit out of left field.  I mean, sure, Delena fans have all spent long hours analyzing scenes that show Elena fighting her unresolved passions for Damon.  But if we are to believe now that Elena feels MORE passionate about Damon, since becoming a vampire, I would have liked to have seen a scene or two, before she made her confession, which illustrated this . . .

Because aside from that one that one scene at the frat party . . .

. . . and a very short scene, in which Elena appeared to be checking out Damon’s shlong, we haven’t really gotten much of that so far this season.

Then again, I strongly suspect that the best is yet to come.  After all, anyone who’s ever had a secret crush knows that it’s when you actually verbalize it to your friends that it becomes the most real.  Suddenly, those feelings are out there in the world, and “playing it cool.” is simply no longer an option.

Just in time for the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Punch Drunk – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Party Guessed”

We all know Lydia is up to no good in this picture, because she is wearing the . . .  Black Eyeliner of EVVVVILLL!

I’ve said it before, Werebangers.  But this time, I really mean it.  “Party Guessed” will go down in history as my favorite Teen Wolf episode EVER!  The stellar acting, the solid writing, the character development, the twists, the numerous obligatory shots of Derek in his Tight Grey Tank Top . . .

We haven’t seen this much Glorious Derek, since that episode, where all he did was work out for the entire hour . . .

(Another favorite episode of mine, by the way . . .)

What more could a Teen Wolf fangirl (or fanboy) ask for?  Did I mention we might have finally pinned down our Kanaima Master?

Way to be a Psycho Svengali Serial Killer, Creepy Camera Guy Matt!

(By the way, remind me never to join the swim team at Beacon Hills High . . .)

“Breast stroke?  Don’t you mean DEATH STROKE?”

So, chug down a glass of that deliciously hallucinogenic pink punch, Werebangers, because it’s time for another Teen Wolfcap . . .

[Special thanks to Andre for sending over those kickass screencaps.]

Another Dream Date with Decaying Corpse Peter Hale . . .

When the episode begins, Lydia’s in the shower . . . again.  And we all know how well that worked out for her last time.

(I’m thinking girlfriend should start considering taking sponge baths, STAT.)

“You’re not fully clean unless your ZESTFULLY CLEAN!”

This time around, fortunately, there is no gross dirty Peter Hale Hand or gorilla hair in the tub with her.  Instead, she opens the curtain and finds herself on the football field.

By golly, it’s a NAKED DREAM!  We’ve all had those, haven’t we?  And as The Girl Who Ran Around the Forest Naked for Two Days, we think Lydia’s entitled to a Naked Dream or Two (preferably with Stiles or Derek in it).

Except, this isn’t actually a Naked Dream, after all.  In fact, Lydia is in the very same dress she wore to last year’s dance.  And she’s being cheered on by a crowd of high school students . . . well, except for one chick, who’s totally bawling her brains out for no reason, whatsoever.  (Party Pooper!)

“Dammit!  Why isn’t she NAKED?  How come everyone gets to see Lydia naked except for me?”

Actually, I’m still trying to figure out Crying Girl’s significance.  Is she one of the girls from the Swim Team (more on that later)?  Is she a member of the Hale family, who died in the fire?  Because she didn’t exactly look like Corpse Laura to me!

Whoever she is, I suspect we will see her again, before the season is out . . .

Anywhoo, back on the football field, Lydia is being dragged across the ground by . . . wait for it . . . Peter Hale.

(They’re just cheering, because from the back, he kind of looks like Justin Bieber.)

Lydia wakes up screaming (naturally).  But then, she calms down.  “It was all a dream!” She thinks to herself.  “I didn’t really shower in front of my classmates.  Phew!”

Except, now her bed is filled with a REAL mixture of blood and hair.  Signs of rough sex? And guess who’s lying next to her, eagerly awaiting their next Pillow Talk Session?

Peter Hale TOTALLY seems like a post-coital cuddler . . .

You got it . . . Peter Hale!  This dude is nothing, if not persistent.  And I hate to say it, but these two actually have some freaky twisted sexual chemistry going on . . .  (I think Stiles would be jealous, if he knew.)

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Also a cuddler . . .

Except, here’s the thing . . . now, maybe it’s because he’s been dead for a few months, and spent years before that pretending to be a vegetable   . . . whatever the reason, Peter’s kind of off his flirting game.  For starters, he bores Lydia with talk about the Worm Moon.  He also makes insects crawl all over her dirty feet, as part of his Seduction Technique.  (Total turn off!)

See, Lydia . . . maybe if you spent less time screaming in the shower, and more time actually washing yourself, you wouldn’t have this problem . . .

Peter also has this really annoying habit of referring to Lydia in the third person, when he talks to her about her.  “Lydia is smart and beautiful,” he says.  “Everyone wants to go to Lydia’s party.”  “Lydia is immune.”

“Dude!  She’s standing right next to you!

You know what else isn’t going to get you laid by the girl of your dreams?  Telling her she has to spike her punch bowl with hallucinogenic flowers, dig up your dirty corpse, and make it hold the hand of some hot guy, or else you will kill all her friends, while dressed in an oversized gorilla suit . .  .

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that even the sluttiest of girls would consider that kind of a Deal Breaker . . .  unless, of course, you happen to be part of the “Furry” Community, in which case, more power to ya . . .

On Wolves Getting Their Periods, and Wearing Funny Hats . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Abandoned Bus  . . .

(By the way, is it just me, or does Derek Hale have the worst taste in real estate EVER?  First, it was the burnt decrepit house.  Then, that weird storage shed, and now a bus where ole Peter mauled some dude.  Hey Derek!  Give me a call, and I’ll set you up with a nice condo . . . one that comes with a cleaning lady, who won’t mind that you always leave teeth marks in the furniture . . .)

Derek is showing his baby wolves his Magic Trunk (I wish that was a euphemism for something fun.  Unfortunately, it’s not.)  Boyd notices that oh so familiar swirly symbol on it . . .

*wipes drool from side of mouth*

 Like the teacher’s pet he TOTALLY is, the Big Guy explains that it’s a Triskele, which symbolizes the “Power of Three.”

Derek looks impressed, and a little bit turned on.  Isaac looks like he wants to shove Boyd’s head in the toilet, and give him a swirly, for being such a TOTAL NERD!

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Derek notes that, for him, the Triskele represents Alphas, Betas and Omegas.  Specifically, it reminds the stud muffin how any of the three types of wolf can easily be converted into one another.  So, even if you’re the Alpha, you should never get too comfortable, or too cocky, because you could end up a Beta or Omega, at the drop of a hat (or the pinch of a wrist). And that, my friends, is what I like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Anyway, it’s time to whip out the chains, and that hat from the Total Recall movie.

Derek must restrain his baby wolves, in preparation for the Full Moon.  (Yeah, because that’s worked SOO well, in the past.)  Erica notes boldly that because she had her period last week, she won’t be nearly as dangerous this week.

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 (Oh, Erica, haven’t you learned yet that talking about “your monthlies” is a Boy Repellant!)

Erica’s Period Faux Pas not withstanding, Derek gets major points with this female recapper for correctly noting that Erica, as a monthly bleeder / child birther has a higher tolerance for pain than her weiner-bearing companions.  That’s why she gets to wear the silly hat, and they don’t!  GIRL POWER!

“I feel pretty .  . . oh so pretty . . .”

But no amount of S&M accoutrements are going to help Derek keep his wolf cubs from ripping up all the seat cushions,  and peeing all over the house.  After all, these are some Really Bad Babies!

So, you can imagine Derek’s surprise when it ends up being NOT teacher’s pet Boyd, but rather, Leather Twin Isaac, who’s the first cub to find his “anchor,” and control his wolfy rage.

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(Now, if only his “anchor” could help him find his eyebrows.  . .)

Even more surprising?  The fact that Isaac’s anchor just so happens to be the same father who verbally, and physically abused him, while occasionally shoving him in a freezer.  As it turns out, Papa Lahey, actually used to be a pretty nice guy . . . before . . . well . . . more on that later  .  . .

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Let’s Get “Candid” with Creepy Camera Guy Matt!

Elsewhere, Allison’s finishing up her Awful Date with Creepy Camera Guy Matt . . .

“Can I please cop a feel?”

“No.”

“Just a little one?”

“No.”

“What if I go to unbuckle my seatbelt, and my hand accidentally / on purpose grazes your left boob and inner thigh?”

“GET OUT!”

Creepy Camera Guy Matt continues to not-so-subtly probe Allison with questions about the status of her relationship with Scott.  When “CCGM” (see above) realizes he probably isn’t getting anywhere, he exits the car, but not without accidentally / on purpose leaving his camera there, so that unrequited lady love can find his Eerie Homage to All Things Allison, Including Her Bedroom on the Second Floor of Her House . . .

“Wow.  Matt must be really tall . . .”

“Wanna see more?  The lens in my pants is on zoom, baby!  Check out my f-stop!”

Though Matt tries lamely to explain his icky actions, Allison speeds away in her car, so fast, she leaves skid marks on Creepy Camera Guy’s blue balls . . .

Meanwhile, over at the ex-sheriff’s house . . .

Stiles Stilinski – Super Sleuth

Just because Stilinski Squared isn’t employed by the Beacon Hills PD, anymore, doesn’t mean they aren’t still on the case.  Driven by his crushing guilt over the part he unwittingly played in his father’s firing, Stiles seems more determined than ever to crack the case of the serial-killing kanaima.  While the Sheriff notes that local pedo, Mr. Harris, has already been brought in for questioning, due to his car / lame bumper sticker being found at the sight of Every Single Murder . . .

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 . . . Stiles is still unconvinced “She’s 21” Guy actually did the crimes.  After all, like us, Stiles knows that TWO of the victims, Isaac’s dad and last week’s unfortunate rave chicky, have no relationship with Harris at all.  They do however have THIS relationship with one another . . .

That’s right, Werebangers!  In addition to beating his kid, and locking him a cooler, Mr. Lahey, also apparently used to enjoy teaching the butterfly to under-aged hard bodies, in his spare time.  Go figure!

So, remember, earlier I mentioned that Isaac alluded to the fact that his father wasn’t always a Grade A, asshole . . . thereby prompting me to wonder, what exactly made him change?

My theory?  It’s precisely, the same thing that made the kanaima want to kill all these peppy swimmers . . .

Could Mr. Lahey be somehow have been taking his guilt over what happened in 2006 out on his son?  It’s definitely a possibility . . .

You know, I actually spent a lot of time pouring over the screencaps for this scene, because I figured, we might be able to find our good pal Master Matt in the photograph.  (We know he couldn’t swim, but, perhap,s he was the Team Manager, or something?)  Oddly enough, the guy that looked most like Matt in the picture (check out the kid in the bottom row center), is actually, at least according to the team roster, Isaac Lahey’s brother, Camden.

I’m not exactly sure if that means anything.  But it certainly piqued my interest . . .

Why Mama Argent Will Never Again Sharpen a Pencil and Pretend It’s Scott’s Weiner . .  .

Memories .  . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memoriessssssss .  . .

When we last left Mama Argent, she was lying in Papa Argent’s arms, suffering from the Worst Hickey Ever!  (Then again, any gift from This Guy can’t be ALL bad, right?)

Now, Dame Victoria is sitting in the basement licking her own wounds (pun intended), while Grandpa and Papa Argent stage whisper about killing her, as if she’s not sitting literally 5 feet away from them.  (RUDE!)

“You know, becoming a werewolf actually IMPROVES your sense of hearing, a$$holes!”

De-nial isn’t just a river in Egypt, it’s also a gaping blind spot in Papa Argent’s vision, as he tells his father, “It doesn’t look so bad.”

Really, Papa Argent?  Because from where I’m sitting it looks like a PRETTY BIG F*&KING CHUNK of skin is missing from Victoria Argent’s chest plate.  Grandpa Argent clearly agrees, which is why he shows about as much sympathy for his daughter-in-law as an obese man would show for a Big Mac, telling Daddy-o, more or less says, “Kill the, B*tch.  Allison will get over it.”

“If you hurry up and kill her now, we may be able to make the 8 p.m. showing of Spiderman at the Multiplex.

“If you want an easier life, change your last name,” scolds Grandpa Argent.  “Just as long as you aren’t changing it to whatever Mama Argent’s maiden name is, because apparently that last name makes your life suck too.”

On a side note, many fans have speculated that the pills we regularly see Grandpa Argent popping on the show might actually be some kind of werewolf or lizard suppressant.  If that ends up being true, well, let’s just say Grandpa’s callous comments about Mama Argent being nothing more than a cocoon waiting to hatch a monster, will likely come back and bite him in the ass, by the end of the season . . . or, perhaps, I should say the chest plate.

“It’s like looking in a mirror. We’re both a little green and wrinkly.”

In a surprise show of maternal instinct, a slightly teary-eyed Mama Argent (I thought soulless vampires only cried blood tears?)  makes an attempt to confront her daughter about her impending wolficide.

“And while I’m describing to you, in detail, how I’m going to take my own life with a carving knife, I’ll bake you brownies, tell you a bedtime story, and even squeeze in a talk about the birds and the bees.”

Unfortunately, Allison Argent has better things to do than engage in Mommy/Daughter time . . . like for example, help Lydia perform ridiculously obvious product placement for Macy’s pick out outfits (plural!) for tonight’s “Big Party.”

“Peter Hale said I had to shop at Macy’s, or he would make me shower with him again.”

Eventually, Allison leaves for the party, having never gotten to say goodbye to Mama Argent.  Now, don’t get me wrong, this is super sad, and will undoubtedly, saddle poor Allison with years of unresolved guilt, and thousands of dollars in therapy bills.

Nevertheless, the way that Mama Argent decides to atone for this “lack of a Final Conversation” between Mother and Daughter can only be described as . . . morbid.


Now, I love a Super Poignant Dramatic, Tear-jerking TV Death as much as the next fan.  So, I TOTALLY understand Mama Argent’s decision (at least from the writer’s perspective) to go out with the Bang of a Stab Wound Inflicted in the Light of the Full Moon, just as “The Change” was occurring, as opposed to the Wimper of a pill overdose.  I’m just a bit iffy on her decision to do it ON HER DAUGHTER’S BED, so that she can “feel closer to her.”  I mean, first of all, “EW,” and second of all . . . no  . . . scratch that . . . . “EW” just about sums up my thoughts on that decision.

(I also hope Daddy changed the sheets, afterward.  Because, seriously.  That’s just unsanitary . . .)

There is some conversation between Mama and Papa Argent about playing off Victoria’s death as a suicide to the community, which kind of seems like adding insult to injury, at least as far as Allison’s concerned.  Mama Argent, in particular, seems distraught over the fact that the neighbors would likely disapprove of her coming to such a “cowardly end,” and deserting her family in that way.  (I would think that Mama Argent would be more concerned about the community thinking her family was a bunch of gun-toting lunatics . . . which, of course, they are.)  Papa Argent replies that Mama Argent is making a “brave sacrifice” for her family, by stabbing herself on her daughter’s bed, rather than sprout long nails, and a pointy face, once a month, and whenever else she gets really angry (which, let’s face it, is probably often).

I don’t know . . . to me, personally, if it looks like a wolficide, and it walks like a wolficide . . . well, you get the idea.  I still feel terrible for Allison that things had to go down this way.  But more on that, a bit later.

Because Stiles Keeps His Drag Queens on Speed Dial . . .

In somewhat less depressing news, Stiles has a problem to which many men, I suspect, can relate.  He has to get his HUGE BOX inside Lydia’s teeny tiny door . . .

Yeah, I went there . . .

Unfortunately, we never did get to find out what was actually in that box.  I have a few ideas, though.  Do you? 😉

When our Scooby Gang arrives at Lydia’s party, they find out that it’s not exactly the hip soiree the birthday girl was hoping for  (at least, not yet).  Allison and Stiles speculate that this might be because Lydia’s naked romps in the woods have christened her the “Town Wackjob.”  I don’t know, guys.  Personally, I would think Lydia’s new-found penchant for public nudity would make her VERY, VERY popular . . . at least with the boys.

Don’t you worry too much about Lydia, though.  Stiles, as always, is ripe and ready to rescue her.  All he has to do is call in a favor from all those new “friends” he met at the gay club a few weeks back.  (Nice continuity, writers!)

Personally, I kind of love the idea of Stiles having his very own entourage of Drag Queens, ready to do his bidding at a moment’s notice.  I mean, let’s face it, Derek and his wolf pack couldn’t stand a chance against all those high heels!

Don’t Drink the Punch, or You’ll End Up All WET!

Stiles’ Magical Drag Queen Summoning Powers (which are likely the same powers that enable him to move fairy dust with his mind) . . .

 . . . end up working wonders!  In what seems like only minutes, Lydia’s once nearly empty house (Where ARE your parents, girlfriend?) is just crawling with party people, who just can’t seem to get enough of Lydia’s Magical Punch.  And Lydia, ever the gracious host, is more than happy to quench the thirst of  all her guests.  In fact, she practically pours the stuff down all of their throats!

Of course, us viewers can tell right away that something is VERY wrong with that tasty drink, in the pretty stemless plastic wine glass.  For one thing, it’s got blue crap in it.  Gross!  For another, as I mentioned earlier, Lydia is serving it wearing her Black Eyeliner of EEEEEVVVVIILLLL!

Now, it’s not entirely clear WHY Peter Hale insisted on Lydia LSD-ing all her pals.  But I suspect it was done more as a diversion tactic from his holding hands with Derek “rebirth,” than anything else.  After all, had Scott, Stiles, Allison and Jackson not all been tripping that night, one or two of them might have noticed Lydia WANDERING AWAY FROM HER OWN PARTY, and possibly stopped her.  (I think it’s a pretty safe guess that she wasn’t heading off into the woods to watch The Notebook again.)

That said, it did sort of seem like our main cast members got a Bad Batch of Punch, because while everyone else was busy making out, rolling around on the floor and being happy drunks, our core four were experiencing some pretty disturbing hallucinations . . . hallucinations that ended up being highly insightful, in terms of who these individuals are, and what exactly drives them . . .

Let’s review the hallucination’s shall we?

Because Lizards Make the Best Lovers . . .

I’ll start with the most shallow hallucination first, which, not surprisingly belongs to Scott.

As we all know, Scott and Allison have been a bit “on the outs” of late, ever since Scott “casually” told his girlfriend to make out with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and Allison ratted out Jackson’s kanaima status to her batsh*t crazy family, which Scott saw as an explicit betrayal of his trust.

But, of course, Scott’s still petrified of losing his brunette beauty, particularly to a monster that’s bigger and badder than he is . . . one that’s got a super long tongue that you could stick . . . anywhere.  And don’t even get me started on that BIG TAIL.  (Even Stiles’ “box” has nothing on that thing . . .)

*nom-nom, nom-nom . . . tastes like carcass*

Speaking of the kanaima . . .

Face Off – Starring Jackson Whitmore . . .

Poor Jackson!  The writers have somehow managed to make me feel bad for this douchebag probably because they are planning on killing him in the season finale, and want me, personally, to cry when it happens.  First, they did it with his crocodile tears, upon learning he had no friends a few week’s back.

And now, the writers are at it again, when Jackson pleads with Lydia not to invite him to her party, because, deep down, he knows his kanaima self is only going to turn Lydia’s dream birthday into a nightmare.

And yet, the kanaima master, isn’t exactly cool with Jackson sitting out on a party that could potentially be attended by another swim team member.  So, off to the party he goes.

“I’m sexy and I know it . . . LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD, LIZARD,LIZARD . .  . YEAH!”

And wouldn’t you know it, it’s actually Jackson who experiences the nightmare at Lydia’s hand.

Upon drinking that fateful punch, Jackson comes face-to-face with his REAL parents, only to find out that . . . wait for it . . . THEY  DON’T HAVE FACES AT ALL!  And, of course, neither does he . . . which makes sense, because, when you think about it, much of Jackson’s douchebagginess comes from his frustration over not having an identity . . . not being able to turn into the “manly wolf” he’s always wanted to be . . . having to share his position as captain of the Lacrosse Team with Scott . . . and, most importantly not truly knowing his own origins.

“I prayed for clear skin, during my teen years, but this is ridiculous.”

Props to Colton Haynes for somehow managing to warm my heart with his trademark Vulnerable Face . . . only to be used on special occasions like this one . . .

Speaking of vulnerable faces . . .

“You killed her.”

Poor Stiles.  It doesn’t take a genius to realize he’s taken his whole father losing his job because of him thing, really hard.  We see it in the determination with which Stiles attacks solving this kanaima murder case.  And we see it in Stiles’ anguish over his hallucination, which features a drunk Papa Stilinski, having just gotten back from Stiles’ mother’s funeral,  blaming Stiles for HER death, and the ruination of HIS life.

Unfortunately, we still have yet to learn what exactly killed Mama Stilinski, or why Stiles seems to blame himself for it happening.  But we do know that her absence has left a major hole in Stiles’ heart, one from which he’s never fully recovered.  Kudos to Dylan O’Brien for really tugging at our heartstrings with the raw emotion of this scene.

Speaking of kudos . . .

Dark Allison’s Revenge

Of all the actors on this show (with the exception of Tyler Posey) Crystal Reed probably gets the least to work with, in terms of juicy material, funny one liners, and powerful, character developing scenes.  Correction:  She GOT the least to work with, prior to this week, during which the actress showed her werebanging fans just how talented of an actress she truly is . . .

It all started with Allison kicking the crap out of that slimy Creepy Camera Guy, first for being a total stalker case, who takes “candid” pictures of her from her second floor bedroom window, and second for actually INSULTING her beauty, and calling her a dime a dozen.  I mean, seriously, if anyone deserves a knee in the nuts it’s Creepy Camera Guy Matt.

Now, at least, if his photography career fails, he can always sing Soprano in an all boys choir . . .

Except as it turns out, Matt isn’t exactly the enemy Allison needs to the fear the most.  THAT enemy, is wearing a black hood, stalking around the party, and shooting her in the stomach with a bow and arrow, while chastising her for being SO weak, and always playing the victim.  What’s interesting about this scene (apart, of course, from how cool Dark! Allison looked in it), is that it’s not entirely clear what Allison’s fear actually is?

Is she afraid of being weak . . . a perpetual victim, who constantly needs to be rescued by Scott and her family?  Or,  conversely, is Allison afraid of losing her soul, and becoming a single-minded, cold and calculating killer . . . like Dark!Allison . . . like the dearly departed Kate Argent . . . like her very own mother . . .

Speaking of Allison’s mother . . . how incredibly raw, and emotional was that hospital scene, in which Allison learns of her mother’s death from her father?  As someone who lost a parent at a young age, Allison’s pain and anguish really resonated with me, because no matter what kind of person Mama Argent was, she was still Allison’s mother.  And you never really get over a loss like that . . .

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On a much lighter note . . .

That Teen Wolf Contest Winner NEEDS to become a series regular . .  . no joke.

When we last left our plucky little Stilinski, he was drunk as a skunk, high as a kite, and still reeling over his faux father’s drunken outburst. But Scott needs his sidekick back STAT.  So, he turns to our Very Special Contest Winning Guest Star to pick up the pieces of Stiles fragile psyche, which she does by dunking his head in a pool of water.

Not only was this a hilarious moment, executed to perfection by a surprisingly talented amateur actress, it also gave us back Wet Stiles . . . an image we haven’t seen, since that fateful day, when he and Derek took a nice long romantic swim together, in the school pool . . .

Speaking of swimming . . .

THE KANAIMA REVEALED

After weeks of doing little more than lurking around looking suspicious, Creepy Camera Guy Matt finally revealed himself as the kanaima master, when he YELLED OUT TO THE ENTIRE PARTY that he can’t swim, upon being tossed into the pool (probably by some sh*tfaced drag queen).

Jackson rescued him, of course, which just screams “Master / Slave,” because we all know that under any other circumstance, Jackson would be the one THROWING the nerd into the pool, not pulling him out . . .

Then, as if we hadn’t been beat over the head with the “Matt as Kanaima” idea enough, we are given THIS image . . .

This reveal, of course, only leads to more questions . . . is Matt alive?  Is he the ghost of someone murdered by a bunch of swim teammate?  What led him to take on this quest for vengeance?  And how exactly did he know he could use Jackson to carry out his plan?

Ahh . . . the plot, it’s thickening . . .

Speaking of thick . . .

Derek Gets Glitter Bombed / Red Eye Reduced

What are you dreaming about, Derek?

Awww, Derek!  You big sexy hunk of man meat, you!  Of all the things that would end up bringing your seemingly invincible ass down, no one could have guessed that it would end up being the petite 105 pound red head, and a bunch of blue glitter in your face.  Honestly, it’s a little pathetic, but also kind of charming, in a way.

After week’s of speculation, we finally got to see why Peter Hale had been stalking Lydia, and using his teenage face to hit on her, make out with her, and give her flowers all these weeks.  It was also so Lydia could make Derek fondle Peter’s corpse at the first light of the worm moon, which somehow made Peter come back to life, and turned Derek’s eyes from Alpha Red, to Horny Green. 🙂

Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either.  But, you have to admit, it was still a really cool ending.

Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever- Now with Teen Wolf tees!]

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Don’t Cry Kanaima – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Frenemy”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  After last week’s game-changer of an episode, this week’s Teen Wolf shifted its focus away from Derek’s wolf pack, and towards its much scalier counterpart.  As a result, “Frenemy” was by far the “lizardiest” ((and, yes, I did just make up that word) episode to-date . . .  Keep this up, and we may have to change the series’ name to Teen Kanaima . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre.  If there was an Academy Award for “Best Screencaps in a Supernatural TV Series,” he’d win it, in a heartbeat.]

We’re off to see the Lizard .  . .

So, remember Jackson’s “boring” solo sex tape?

Well, thanks to Danny and his tech savvy, it just got a lot more interesting . . .

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Of course, Danny doesn’t know that, because he DIDN’T WATCH IT?!

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OK . . . so, you guys are all my friends right, Werebangers?  Good, because I’ve got a confession to make.  If any of you give me a sex tape with you in it, and tell me not to watch it, I’m SOOOO WATCHING IT, ANYWAY.

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I don’t care who you are . . . gay, straight, fat, skinny, animal, vegetable, mineral.  Curiosity will eventually kill the Recapper, and I’ll get to see your junk on the small screen. Sorry, if that makes me a crappy friend.  But I’d counter that it also makes me human.

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See?  He gets it!

The fact that Danny didn’t watch is undoubtedly admirable.  And yet, arguably, also unrealistic . . .

I don’t know, Danny.  For someone who claims he didn’t watch the video, you sure look a heck of a lot like you’re watching it . . . 

Anywhoo, Danny drops the unwatched Paranormal Activity Porn tape off in the trunk of a car, as instructed, and heads out to a nearby nightclub with his conscience clear.  Meanwhile . . .

For all you comic book geeks out there, who just love pitting your favorite superheroes and villains against one another, to see how they’d fare in a fight, this opening sequence was definitely for you.  Kanaima .  . . versus . . . Alpha.  BRING IT ON!

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Then, Papa Argent randomly enters the fray.  Wait!  How did he get there?

And Grandpa Argent . . . and Scott . . . they are both there too.

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Who sent out e-vites to this battle?  It’s like a supernatural flash mob!

Now, of all of these aforementioned warriors, you would think that Grandpa Argent . . .  a.k.a. Mr. “I Cut Bodies In Half for Fun” would be the most bloodthirsty.  But, oddly enough, that’s not the case.  Instead, Not-John McCain and Lizard Thingy just stand around eye f*&king one another, until Scott intervenes, and cock blocks them both.  Weird . . .

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And just like that, the “Second Kanaima” / Master “Friend” of Kanaima betting pool just got one person larger . . .

Elsewhere, in Mushy Gushy Feelings Land . . .

. . . Allison informs Lydia that the reason she can’t tell her why the Really Hot Guy, and his three high-school age minions stalked her /seemed to want her dead is because . . . wait for it . . . she just LOOOOOOOOVES Scott too much.

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I’m with you, Lydia.  It pissed me off too.

A Lizard and a Werewolf walk into a Gay Bar . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Stiles contemplate why, if Jackson is the Kanaima, he was still paralyzed by his own venom.

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Scott suggests that this is because, when Jackson is Jackson, he isn’t the Kanaima.  Wow!  That’s quite a deeply philosophical thought for the D student.  Color me impressed.

But now’s not the time to talk about ids, egos, and reptilian identity crises.   It’s time to go CLUBBING!  Can I get a fist pump?

Since Lizard Thingys are scent-free, Scott is forced to use another familiar scent to track down Were-Jackson . . . namely, the delectable odor of Best Friend Danny’s Armani cologne.

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Upon entering the club,  “Genius” Scott notices that something is amiss . . .

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Scott might very well be the “Alpha” of his own pack.  But here in Funkytown, it’s Stiles who’s wielding all the power . . .

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. . . that is until that pesky Lizard Thingy has to harsh on Stiles’ game, by literally eliminating all his prospective suitors from the picture.   (Well, that’s ONE way to get your man.)

Danny, who had just recently been making his ex-boyfriend VERY jealous, by grinding up against a hot piece of A, is now down for the count.  See, Danny?  That’s what you get for NOT watching sex tapes.  You brought this on yourself . . .

Oh, and Derek’s at the club too now.

I don’t know, Derek.  If you want to impress the gay guys, I’d probably go with a look that’s a bit more . . . natural . . .

Much better! 

And, suddenly, Jackson’s outside the club . . . back in human form . . . naked. 

My straight-girl Gay Guy Fantasy is now complete.  Well .  . . almost.

Sheriff Stilinski is on the scene now, which leads to an . . . awkward . . . conversation between father and son.  Apparently, Stiles’ dad doesn’t believe he’s gay, because of the way he dresses.

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Small towns lead to small minds, I guess . . . even in otherwise awesome dudes, like Daddy Stilinski.

Now, for the record, I think Stiles is an AWESOME dresser.  He always wears the coolest t-shirts.

But Daddy-o is right about one thing.  Stiles is NOT gay.  Anyone who’s watched the way he reacts to Lydia can see that . . .

Though . . . I guess he could be bi . . .

Anywhoo, Stiles and Scott manage to shove Jackson in the back of a police paddy wagon.  And off they ride into the night . . .

Never trust a man who steals your purse dog .  . .

Did you know Lydia has a “purse dog,” who she named after a company known for its high-quality purses.  Clever right?  But just because Prada is expensively named, doesn’t mean he’s immune to a man with beef jerky in his pockets or a werewolf with the power to mind control dogs, like we saw Scott do in the pilot episode  (Come on!  We all know that’s how he got the dog to run off, right?)

That’s right, Werebangers!  Creepy Dude from Outside the School Shrink’s Office strikes again.  And this time, he’s claiming to be Lydia’s “new neighbor.”   How convenient!

In the words of Gotye, Creepy Dude definitely looks like “Somebody that I Used to Know” . . .

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And as if the connection between Creepy Dude and Uncle Alpha wasn’t obvious enough, his cheesy methods of seduction involve a failed kiss . . .

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 . . . and . . . wait for it . . . a gift of wolfsbane . . .

The question is, what are Creepy Dude’s motives for wanting Lydia to carry wolfsbane around with her at all times.  Is it for protection from Derek’s pack?  Is the wolfsbane what keeps Lydia immune from the Kanaima’s venom?  Or does Creepy Dude have a more sinister reason for wanting to get under the red head’s skin.

Then again, he could always just be a horny teen looking to get laid . . .

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Up close and personal . . .

Over in Argent land, Grandpoppy suggests that the Kanaima could be useful in culling out, and eventually killing Derek and his Wolf Pack.

At first blush, I’d say that this really isn’t such a bright idea.  After all, the Devil You Know is always safer than the Devil you don’t.  And this Kanaima sure does seem a lot more dangerous and deadly than broody Derek and his pitiful wolf pups.  Unless, of course, the Kanaima IS the Devil that Grandpoppy knows better.  Once again, the notion that Grandpa Argent is somehow connected to the Kanaima is dangled tantalizingly in front of us fans . . .

Elsewhere, even though Jackson is technically Stiles’ hostage, that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good host, right.  After slipping Jackson into a pair of pants, while he was passed out (Now, THAT’S a deleted scene I hope they put on the DVD), Stiles kindly offers Jackson some gas station sandwiches and scintillating conversation . . .

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 . . . but no bathroom, which, after the sandwiches, could be a real problem . . .

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Speaking of Stiles’ hostage hosting skills, he’s even gone to the trouble of texting Jackson’s adoptive parents from his cell phone to let them know he’s OK.

This, of course, ends up backfiring big time, because Jackson never says anything nice to his parents . . . or anyone for that matter . . .  by text or otherwise.  So, now, Jackson’s dad is super suspicious, and decides to go to the cops.

Over at school, Principal Not-John McCain creepily fondles his granddaughter’s neck to determine if she’s lying about the missing Jackson’s whereabouts.  I bet he does that with all the girls . . .

“My, Allison what big boobs neck muscles you have!” 

How convenient that the Argents, despite having just moved into town a few months ago,  have such an influence on the Beacon Hills public school system.  Within a day, Grandpa has installed video cameras all over the school.  And I bet you will never guess who he hired as Allison’s new substitute teacher . . .

Out of all the Argents, I still think this one is the scariest of them all . . .

Oddly enough, like Principal Not John McCain, Mama Argent seems to be working at the school for no other reason than to torture Allison.  After class, Mama Argent praises her daughter for being “strong” and staying away from Scott.

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But Allison isn’t fooled, what might sound like praise coming from normal moms, is clearly a threat coming from this one.  In other words, “stop dating Scott, or he dies.”

Nothing much new here.  Though it did make me giggle a bit, when Mama Argent cleverly noted that Allison was exchanging quite a few text messages with “The Odd One” a.k.a. This Guy . . .

Speaking of Stiles, it seems his hostage-taking skills leave a bit to be desired.  For one thing, he’s forgotten about a little thing called “GPS” that police can use to TRACK THE CELL PHONES OF MISSING PEOPLE.

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Ruh-roh!

Speaking of technology, remember that sex tape that Danny shoved into the trunk of a car unwatched?  Well, feel free to check for it on YouTube next week because it’s GONE!

It’s not easy being green . . .

Outside the paddy wagon, Stiles, Scott and Allison argue over how next to proceed.  Arguing for the “Let’s not kill, Jackson” side is Scott, champion of all supernatural creatures, who wonders, as many fans have postulated, whether the Kanaima might only be target “bad people”  . . . like killers . . . and stuff.

But Stiles, who’s personally felt the wrath of the Kanaima on more than one occasion, is all, “Nah . . . he’s evil.  Let’s kill him!”

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Funny how quickly your tune changes, when you find out the Kanaima isn’t the hot red-head you LOOOVE, but, rather, the jock douchebag you hate, isn’t it Stiles?

Loyal Wolf Pup Scott isn’t convinced, however.   He claims that his Scooby Gang should feel obligated to save Jackson because nobody else likes him enough to do it for them (well . . . except maybe Danny).

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 Jackson overhears this, and gets depressed.  Cue the Single Manly Tear!

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Then, Stiles heads off to chat with Lydia, so that the two lovebirds can make out some more.  We’re treated to a “scintillating” conversation about how Allison wants to be with Scott FOREVVEEERRRR, despite the fact that they are only sophomores (?), and the fact that with Scott’s grades, he might not actually graduate high school until he’s 55.  More nuzzling and smooching ensue . . .

Gag!  Puke!  BLEEEHHH!

I don’t know.  Usually, I’m such a goopy girl romantic.  And Allison has really been growing on me as a character these past few weeks.  But there’s something about these two together that just bores me to tears.  Does anyone else feel the same way?

The only interesting part of this conversation, was the suggestion that perhaps Lydia’s “immunity” to werewolf bites could be used to cure Scott of his “condition.”  Well, they may have squeeze it out of her first . . .

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Wait,  I lied.  There was another interesting part of this conversation.  It was the one where Scott and Allison started boning.  And Jackson used that opportunity to turn into the Kanaima and escape.  Serves those horndogs right!

Now, completely out of options, Stiles decides to come clean to his dad about the town’s little “supernatural problem.”  Scott and his yellow eyes tag along to help make Stiles’ story a bit more “credible.”  Unfortunately, by the time they arrive at the sheriff’s office, a very smug looking “human” Jackson is already there with his lawyer dad.  And they’re ready to sue!

You know, because lawyers and law suits are so much scarier than getting your face ripped apart by a lizard thingy . . .

Allison’s ready to come clean to her parents too.  But before she can, she runs into Lydia, who, understandably, is desperate for answers.

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She’s also conveniently fluent in Archaic Latin.  It’s time to break out that trusty old Bestiary again . . .

Here’s an interesting twist.  Either that school counselor chick really sucks at Latin . . .

. . . or she’s hiding something, because her translation of the piece about the Kanaima was missing one very important piece of information.  Accoring to Lydia, the Kanaima isn’t looking for a “friend,” it’s looking for a “MASTER” to control it . . .

Ahh . . . the plot . . . it thickens!  Until next time, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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