How Ya Like Me Now? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Originals”

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Now there was a time when you loved me so.
I could have been wrong, but now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
And I’m in deep.  Yes I am.
I found a brand new love for this man 
And I can’t wait till you see.
I can’t wait
So, how you like me now?

-Lyrics to “How ya like me now?” by The Heavy.

How ya like me now?  It’s the song that sexy villain vampire Marcel sings in a karaoke bar in New Orleans, to introduce himself as Klaus’ charming, but intensely arrogant, new nemesis, in the early moments of this week’s episode of TVD.

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It’s also the question chief in the minds of the TVD writing staff.  The crew undoubtedly watched the episode with their fingers crossed, silently praying that you’ll still “like” Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, and Hayley (though, let’s face it, no one ever really liked Haley), now that they’ve packed their bags and left Mystic Falls in exchange for a swankier (and much more culturally diverse) NOLA address.

From a strategic perspective, it seems like the perfect time for a spinoff like this.  With nearly four seasons behind its belt, TVD is quietly creeping toward middle age.  (By this time next year, it will be eligible for syndication!)

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And a well-executed spinoff might be just what the doctor ordered to breathe new life into a franchise that’s been struggling of late.  Plus, it’s not like these characters are untested newbies.  Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are all TVD veterans, each with substantial fanbases of their own.  (Klaus and Elijah have both been around since late season 2, and Rebekah, since early season 3.)

Yes, The Originals certainly has within it the makings of a great show.  The question is: did its backdoor pilot deliver?

Let’s review, shall we Fangbangers?

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Have Gumbo, Will Travel . . .

Lactating?

Still on the hunt for her dead family, Hayley day drinks at a bar in New Orleans, where the chef notoriously puts a piece of her soul in every pot of gumbo she makes.  (You know, kind of like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not eat a horcrux.  Thank you very much.)

“Mmmmm Soul Food . . .”

Bar Tender Jane Anne gets a little touchy feely with Hayley, when she shows her a map to a location in the bayou, where werewolves supposedly used to frequent.  We find out why, after the werewolf leaves.  Jane Anne promptly walks back to the kitchen were Soul Food Sophie is slaving away.  She’s clutching a massive clump of Hayley’s hair, like it’s a trophy of some sort.  (Yuck!  I hope they aren’t planning on mixing it in the gumbo, with all those horcruxes!)

Then again, they are probably just using it for this spell . . .

Hey, Soon-to-be-dead Jane Anne uses candles and salt to do spells!  Just like that OTHER witch we know . . .

I wonder how she avoids those pesky nosebleeds . . .

I guess now we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Jane Anne’s spell is rousing success, in that it gets Hayley’s car to break down, and causes her to temporarily DIE.  (Though, I suspect Klaroline fans are wishing that death was permanent, after this episode . . .)  Just as she falls to the ground, the witches magically appear just in time to catch her, and drag her into the bayou.  Bonnie could use some serious tutoring from these girls . . .

Marcel’s Rules

KLAUS: “I’m going to break your neck, and then rip out your spine”

MARCEL: “I’m going to chew off your shoulder, and then eat your face off.”

RANDOM NEWSIE CAP-WEARING GUY: “Geez, get a room you two.  Your PDA is making me uncomfortable.”

Upon learning from a witchy fortune teller that Marcel has taken over New Orleans, in Klaus’ absence — rendering the town’s witch population essentially powerless against him — Klaus just has to see this for himself.  So, he heads off to a Karaoke bar, where Marcel is auditioning to be on the cast of Glee . . .

“If that Puck guy can play a highschooler, so can I!”

Klaus and Marcel do that thing Alpha Males do, where they threaten each other, than act like it’s all a joke, and they really love one another, when actually the threatening part was closer to the truth . . .  Klaus, apparently, is Marcel’s sire, which immediately tells us a few things.  (1) Flashbacks are inevitable.  (2) Even if Marcel found some magical witchy way to kill Klaus, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  Because a dead Klaus means, not only a dead ENTIRE TVD CAST, but a Dead Marcel as well . . .

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I mean, all vampires SAY this.  But Klaus is the only one who can actually mean it . . .

And yet, while Klaus may have Marcel beat in the game of Eternal Living.  Marcel has one thing that Klaus has always desperately wanted, but never seemed fully able to obtain (even though he created an ENTIRE RACE OF BEINGS just for this purpose): FRIENDS!

As Katherine astutely notes, later in the episode, Klaus’ Achilles Heel is his loneliness.  He has nobody to play with but himself. . .

Marcel, on the other hand, has an Entourage so large that it makes the guys from Entourage look like losers . . .

Marcel is literally friends with the entire city . . . though I guess he’s friends with them in the way girls in high school are friends with that b*tchy head cheerleader.  They are deathly afraid of him.  But they have to at least pretend to like him, so he doesn’t literally chew off their heads  . . .

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That said, I instantly like Marcel.  I actually think he’d be kind of fun to hang out with, in the way that douchebaggy, evil, sort of people, can sometimes be fun . . . particularly douchebaggy, evil people who like karaoke . . .

Klaus instantly covets this kind of loyalty.  But before he can steal all of Marcel’s newsie-cap wearing, hipster friends away from him, he has to deal with the little problem that sent him here in the first place . . . the witches that supposedly want him dead.  Marcel, being the generous guy that he is, is more than happy to help his old friend Klaus solve this little problem . . .

You killed Jane Anne!  (Bastards)

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Death By Tree . . .

Oh Jane Anne, we barely new thee . . .  You made pretty designs with salt, and played with Hayley’s hair.  And then you died with a goofy expression on your face, after being interrogated by Marcel on a dark city street, in the company of his entourage.  Jane Anne wasn’t about to give up her reasons for using the heretofore forbidden magic . . . certainly not to the guy who forbid her from using it. And for that, she paid the ultimate price.

Fear not, Jane Anne.  You’ll live to die again . . .

As far as deaths go, being impaled by a tree branch, isn’t the one I’d choose.  I mean, on one hand, it leaves you with a pretty pristine corpse, apart from some unsightly neck hickeys.  On the other hand, YOU WERE KILLED BY A TREE BRANCH.  And that’s just sad, sad, sad .  .

MURDERER!

Even Klaus seems sad for Dead Jane Anne.  Though, I suspect his sadness has less to do with him actually giving two craps about a bartending witch, and more to do with the fact that he feels he might have lost his chance to figure out why these witches seem to want him dead.

Marcel is sorry, but not sorry, about literally killing Klaus’ lead . . .

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So, Klaus heads to the Gumbo Bar to ask the grieving Soul Food Sophie about what exactly her sister’s beef with him was . . .  Sophie’s well acquainted with Klaus from bedtime stories her mother used to tell her.

Now, I don’t know about your bedtime stories.  But mine generally didn’t involve a guy who EATS people.  Sophie’s mom must have hated her guts to tell her bedtime stories like that.  Maybe that’s why she puts horcruxes in people’s gumbo . . . bad childhood.

Anywhoo, Sophie stays mum about the whole magic thing with Klaus, because they are being watched by members of Marcel’s entourage.  Klaus responds to the secret stalking in a surprisingly gentlemanly way, by offering to buy his stalkers expensive Scotch . . . after threatening to remove their spines.  This act of kindness enables him to earn an adorable nickname from the cute new bartender, who conveniently appeared in town, just as the ORIGINAL bartender lost her neck . . .

I hope they enjoyed that Scotch.  Because it’s the last they will ever have . . .

A Man Who Knows How to Make an Entrance . . .

Though initially ambivalent about helping his younger sibling . . .

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 . . . Elijah ultimately decides to do the brotherly thing, by murdering Klaus’ stalkers when they attempt to silence Sophie  . . .  And no one has a more artistic flare for murder than Elijah . . .

Suave Elijah . . . he sure knows the way to a woman’s heart, doesn’t he?  That bludgeoned organ was like a Valentine’s Day card to dear Sophie.  All that was missing was a poem, and the words “Be Mine.”

Then, he got the second stalker impaled against a wall!  Color me turned on . . .

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I wonder what kind of bedtime stories Sophie’s mom told her about Elijah . . .

She’s having my baby!

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“Dammit.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that gumbo.  Is there a bathroom around here?”

In the Big Reveal of the evening, Elijah brings together Klaus and the NOLA witches for a Peace Treaty of sorts.  As it turns out, the witches aren’t out to kill Klaus, at all.   Rather, they are hoping that Klaus will save them from King Marcel and his tyrannical Magic Free rule . . .

King Klaus, huh?  And the witches think this will be a SAFER alternative for them?  Seriously?  Did they only watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of Seasons 3 and 4 of The Vampire Diaries.  Did they miss the part where Klaus brought to extinction an entire RACE of hybrids . . . a race that HE CREATED?

Logic notwithstanding . . . the witches have an ace up their sleeve, one they think will win them Klaus’ loyalty.  And out pops Hayley . . .

Klaus scoffs at this.  Clearly, the witches didn’t watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of the show either.  “I don’t give a sh*t about Hayley!”  Klaus says, more or less.   “It’s not like the sex was THAT good.  And, besides.  Everyone knows I prefer blondes.”

“Not so fast, Klaus,” the witches warn . . .

Clear Blue Sophie . . . the only pregnancy test for your knocked up teen werewolf

Detecting pregnancies . . .well, now that’s a nifty magical power!  Some might argue it’s even cooler than playing with salt, and lighting candles, without suffering from a nosebleed  . . . (Then again, after about three months, MOST people can “sense when a woman is pregnant.”  It’s called WEIGHT GAIN!)

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Damn straight, it’s impossible!  1,000-year old hybrids and werewolves making babies together?  What’s next?  Sparkly vampires impregnating humans, who have to be turned into vampires, after they give birth to creepy kids who reach adolescence, by the time they are a year old?

Being a typical guy, Klaus immediately wants a paternity test, accusing Hayley of slutting around with someone else in Mystic Falls.  (How hilarious would it be if the baby actually ended up being Tyler’s?)

But Hayley says, “Nope, all you, Big Guy!  No one else on TVD liked me enough to sleep with me.”

Klaus uses his vampire hearing to detect the baby’s heartbeat. And he is briefly touched by the notion of an unborn Mini Klaus in the tummy of his one-night stand.  But then, he quickly reverts back to petulant child mode.  “Kill the girl, and the baby.  See what I care,” Klaus shouts, as he stomps off into the darkness . . .

“But Daddy . . .  I thought we had a Moment!”

Elijah follows Klaus to try to get him to reconsider.  He tells him that a baby can be just what the broken Mikaelson family needs to get a fresh start on life .  . . a path back to their humanity.  (Silly Elijah, don’t you ever watch Lifetime Movies?  The baby never saves the failed marriage .  . . not even magical babies, like Mini Klaus.)

But Klaus’ pride will simply not allow him to do the witches’ bidding, not when he feels like they manipulated him, and underestimated his intelligence . . .

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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In other family news, the Honeymoon between Klaus and Marcel is clearly over.

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Furious at Marcel for having him followed, Klaus threatens to bite one of the King’s little boyfriends.  And later, when Marcel starts getting all territorial, and calling NOLA his city, Klaus makes good on that threat . . .

Awww . . . Newsie Cap Guy!  You’re too pretty to die!

Death by Klausi-kiss.  Now, THAT’S a much better way to go than Death by Tree Branch . . .

Message sent and received.  Marcel may have his rules.  But those rules simply don’t apply to The Original Hybrid . . .

Artsy Fartsy

Always a sucker for a spunky blonde and some good artwork, Klaus begins to reconsider the whole Daddy Situation, after engaging in a rather loaded conversation with Bartender/ Psych Major Camille about a street vendor’s art, which seems to literally speak to Klaus’ soul.  (Another horcrux, perhaps?)  Camille describes the painting as done by someone who is angry, dark, lonely, and doesn’t like to be controlled . . .

It probably didn’t help that the painting in question kind of looked like this . . .

Every King Needs an Heir . . .

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Whether it was the poopy painting, or the Caroline lookalike who talked to him about it, something about the experience causes Klaus to have a change of heart . . .

“IT DOES EXIST!”

Klaus and Elijah wax nostalgic a bit, about their youthful days spent in New Orleans.  (And by youthful, I mean they were only in their 600s.)  Klaus admits to his brother that he wants what Marcel has . . . power, friendship, family, loyalty, and a kingdom to call his very own.

And yeah, if that kingdom just so happens to include Hayley’s spawn, so be it . . .

In his first boldly political move to regain power over the Treme, Klaus makes peace with Marcel.  He rescues Newsie Cap guy (YAYYYYY!!), by feeding him his blood, and politely asks his former vampire kid for permission to stick around awhile.  Marcel accepts Klaus’ apology, but is smart enough to know that this detente between the two is only temporary, as the town is certainly not big enough for both of their massive egos . . .

Elijah too makes plans for a more permanent stay in Spinoff Land, by boldly cutting off ties with that sex kitten, Katherine Pierce, in the final moments of the episode . . .

What’s the matter Elijah?  You have something against getting laid?

Look, I get it, Elijah.  Family is important.  But I don’t see why you can’t have your family, and eat Katherine out too.  Just sayin . . .

Speaking of liaisons . . .

Sweet Caroline?

So, remember when Klaus promised Caroline that he’d be her personal travel companion, and willing cosmopolitan tour guide, for all eternity?

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Apparently, so does he!  A deep appreciation for art and culture is always something Klaus and Caroline shared.  Even though Klaus had the opportunity to travel the entire world, whereas Caroline’s existence, up until this point, has been limited to the confines of a sometimes stifling small Virginia town.  So, it’s natural that Klaus would think about Caroline, while traveling in a city as rich and culturally unique as New Orleans.

And given the general easing of relations between the two, of late, it’s hard to imagine that Caroline would be able to keep the smirk from her face, as she listened to this message.

I may be in the minority here.  But I’m one of those people who think Caroline would be better served as a cast mate on The Originals (with the option to return to TVD, if the series went south, of course).  For starters, for the past two seasons, Caroline hasn’t had a solid plotline that didn’t involve Tyler (gone) or Klaus (also now gone).  Though her friendship with Stefan is “cute,” I don’t really see a strong character developing future for Caroline on TVD, as the series stands.

Another reason, I’d like to see Caroline head off to NOLA is for the simple fact that girlfriend is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.  And given her clear desire to travel, and strong appreciation for art and beauty, it seems natural that Vampire Barbie would want to head to college somewhere outside the bounds of her hometown.

Get on that pony and ride, far, far away, Caroline!

But will she take Klaus up on his offer?  Sadly, I suspect not.

TVD has been hemorrhaging characters, left and right, of late.  And I suspect the loss of one of its few remaining leading ladies would be too much for the show to  bear.

But hey, you never know . . .

So, Fangbangers?  Tell me, what did you think of The Originals.  Were you relieved to see these ancient jet setters FINALLY seeking out some classier digs?  Does Sexy Marcel make for a more intriguing villain than that Identity Thief Silas?  Are you glad Gentleman Elijah has started eviscerating people again?  And yeah . . . how about that BABY?

www.juliekushner.com    Fangirls Forever

Elena the Cheerleader Slayer – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Bring it On”

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Welcome back, Fangbangers!   This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena.  For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena.  She just wears less clothes, and eats more people!  (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)

Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!

OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most).  But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!

So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”

[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps.  This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did.  Go figure!]

Drive-Thru Fast Food

She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.

But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student.  Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!

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One small problem, of course.  For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse.  At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.”  Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?

It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position.  Cheerleading, perhaps?  Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .

Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.

“Is it Friday yet?”

Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver!  Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!

“Elena, darling.  Save some room for dessert!”

 I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!

Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .

. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.

Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .

Coed Naked Elena

Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home.  Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.

“Are they talking about me?  They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”

Sidenote:  I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain.  Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor.   I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right?  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?

Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie.  So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .

Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there.  I’m not sorry.

(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)

But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do.  But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.

Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit.  They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.

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By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline?  Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction  . . .

Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions.  Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”

(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)

But here’s the rub.  BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.

The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.

The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .

The Quick and the Undead

In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding?  Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.

And you are never going to guess who saves her?

Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus.  You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts.  And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason.  Comprende?

Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf.  So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k.  Convenient, right?

How’s this for a small world?  When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy!  It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York.  So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . .  . he rips his heart out.  Nice knowing ya, Hot Will!  See ya in next week’s flashbacks!

“Damon, don’t leave me here to die.  You’re breaking my heart!”

“Problem solved!”

Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS.  Be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of scary . . .

Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .

With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .

. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad.  Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)

. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.

I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly.  Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?

Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad.  And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition.  Now, that’s impressive.  I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete.  Perhaps, it was this one .  . .

. . . Haven’t seen the generally useless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we?  Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas?  Just saying . . .

As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus.  ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK?  For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky.  So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.

“I left my crap on the bus.”

“Haha, moron!”

Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike.  So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season.  And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!

Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.

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When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED .  . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . .  Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.

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This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.

“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”

Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that!  It’s time for revenge, Caroline.  Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .

Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you.  Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.

“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”

Meanwhile, back at Klaus House  . . .

The “Art” of Seduction

Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts.  Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him.  Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!

Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have).  Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark).  They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want.  Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.

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All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing.  They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another.  They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles.  They have a point . . .

But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera.  For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding.  Are Klaus and Haley a great love match?  Absolutely not.  But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl.  No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series.  And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time .  . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .

House Party Munchies

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .

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. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.

What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask?  PARTIES!

That’s right!  Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him.  Talk about speed text messaging!  She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .

Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .

Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena.  Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed.  But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!

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Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately.   Do I smell a future hookup?  Elena sure seems to . . .

“Why do I look so jealous?   I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”

Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .

We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!

“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake.  I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”

Watch it, Elena!  You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls.  You’re going to pay . . .

It’s girl fight time!  BRING IT ON!

And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .

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This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)

Poor Caroline!  Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update.  But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend!  Ouch!

And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house.  Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan.  Now, that’s gotta hurt!

“Dammit!  Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”

In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!

“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”

Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .

A girl can dream, right?

On the Road Again . . .

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Pop Quiz:  Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?

Personally, I’d go with Vegas.  I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right.  Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.

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This could be promising . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

“And I will try to fix youuuuuu.” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “My Brother’s Keeper”

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Oh yeah, Caroline . . . it’s happening, all right!

Oh, my dear sweet Fangbangers!  How I’ve missed you, during this one week interminable hiatus.  And what an episode to come back to!  Let’s see, there was another Miss Mystic Falls Pageant, Mini Gilbert hopped a ride on the Crazy Train, Klaus got all mushy gushy over a teeny tiny bird with a big nose, and . . . wait . . . I know I’m forgetting something.  Hmmm . . . what could it be?

Was it about Nosebleed Bonnie?

Nahh . . . she wasn’t even in this episode.  Good riddens!

How about that dead hybrid from last week?  Did he return as zombie to exact revenge on our Scooby Gang?

Nope . . . not him either.

Oh, I remember now! DAMON AND ELENA HAD SEX . . . WITH EACH OTHER.

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THEY BONED.  THEY WERE NAKED.  SHIRTS WERE RIPPED.  BODICES WERE TORN.

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DAMON ROAD THAT NEWBIE VAMP ALL THE WAY TO POUND TOWN . . .

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I’ve really gotta lay off on the capital letters . . . and the caffeine.

Anywhoo . . . let’s rewind a little bit, so we can see how it all went down.  [By the way, welcome back, Andre! Many thanks for the rockin’ screencaps . . .]

Stefan and Caroline: Gossip Girls

“She dumped me, Bro!  And now I have this strange urge to write bad poetry, and cheesy diary entries, while showing off my muscular physique to no one in particular.”

“Wait . . . don’t you do that every week?”

Everybody needs a good girlfriend.  And I’m not speaking in a romantic context either.  We all need someone we can call, after a bad day, who will listen to us, while we bitch and moan about our mean teachers, our awful bosses, and our inconsiderate significant others . . . someone who will say to us, “Hey Girl!  You are SO right.  That guy of yours is total toolbox.  You can do so much better than him” . . . even if it isn’t exactly . . . like . . . true and stuff.

“That bitch!  I’m going to totally kick her ass.  How dare she dump one bloodthirsty vampire for another one?  I’m going to really give her a piece of my mind . . . once I get back from my hot date with the evilest, most bloodthirsty vampire on the planet.”

Damon used to have that with Alaric . . .

. . . you know, before Alaric went psycho and started trying to murder Damon on a regular basis.  Stefan sort of had that with his boy toy Klaus.

“You can be my bodyguard.  And I can be your long lost pal.  I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can CALLL MEEEE KLAUUUUSSSS, call me Klaus.”

But, let’s be honest, their relationship was always more homoerotic than it was mutually supportive.  So, as much as I was annoyed by Caroline’s and Stefan’s “Mean Girls” act this week, seeing Stefan bitch and complain about being dumped by Elena to Caroline was probably the most “human” thing I’ve seen the guy do in about three seasons.

Make that the second most Human Thing.  Looking goood, Steffy!

For once, Stefan wasn’t busy being either “good and honorable” or “ravenous and psychotic.”  He was just the girl who didn’t get asked to the prom by the high school quarterback.  So, instead, he stayed home crying to his girlfriends (who also didn’t have dates), while shoving Ben & Jerry’s ice cream down his throat.

Well, except for the fact that given how ripped Saint Stefan is, it’s pretty clear to me that Paul Wesley has never met Ben or Jerry, in his entire life.

But hey . . . it’s a start right?

Speaking of Mean Girls, whoa Caroline!  When exactly did your Season 1 self come back to literally bite you in the ass?  For someone who spent the entire episode bitching about how much Elena had changed, since she went full on vamp, Caroline sure was acting like someone other than the Perky Little Vampire Barbie we had all come to know and love.  Perhaps, Bonnie’s absence left an opening in the show’s obligatory “Judgy Girl / Cockblock Quota.”

Whatever the reason, Caroline was 100% Regina Georging Elena for most of the episode, disregarding her choice of men, her choice of clothes (more on that later), and even her personality.  Honestly, I kept waiting for Elena to show up at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant wearing sweat pants, so that Caroline could banish her from the lunch table.

Oh wait . .  . I forgot, these kids only actually attend school once every two months.  So, lunch tables are not an option . . .  In other romance news . . .

Klaus whispers sweet nothings in Stefan’s ear, causing sexual frustration  in our “hero”

That Klaus sure is one kinky vamp, isn’t he?  Here we have Stefan, in his tight bodice-busting wife beater tee, just brooding, and minding his own business.  Then, out comes Klaus to put his big manly arms around Stefan, place his lips near his neck, and whisper in his ear, all the naughty things he will do to him, if Stefan doesn’t obey the elder vampire’s desires (i.e. make Jeremy a mass murderer so the Etch-a-Sketch on his arm produces more of those pretty pictures Klaus adores so much . . . but no ponies, unfortunately).

Talk about tough love!  A ridiculously small part of me really did believe that these two were going to hump, right there in the woods like the sexy savage beasts they are.  But instead, Klaus leaves Stefan with a massive case of these . . .

Dumped by his girlfriend, denied by his gay lover, can you really blame Stefan for being a little snippy with his brother, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome?

DAMON:  “You’re bitchy today!  Who crawled up your ass and died?”

STEFAN: “Not Klaus or Elena, that’s for sure.”

DAMON: “Bummer, you should see if Matt Donovan is free . . .”

My how the tables have turned!  This time around it’s Stefan, offering up the half-cocked, impulsive plan that’s going to put everyone’s lives in jeopardy, while Damon is being the more conservative one, opting in favor of protecting Jeremy’s life and his sanity, over the quick fix of using his hunter mark to rescue Elena, no matter how many people get hurt in the process.

“I know, it kind of surprised me too.”

And while for three seasons, Damon has bore the brunt of his Elena-sized rejection with quiet broodiness, and pleasant self-deprecation, Stefan is just one big ole’ sour grape about the whole thing.  “Don’t pretend like this isn’t the best day of your entire life,” Stefan remarks snidely, when Damon expresses sympathy toward his brother over the breakup.

In Stefan’s defense, while Damon might look calm and collected on the outside, upon hearing this news, on the inside, I suspect he’s doing this . . .

 . . . and this . . .

. . . and maybe even a little of this . . .

Meanwhile, back at the pageant . . .

This is your brain on Professor Boo Radley (and these are your muscles on Vampire Hunter Steroids) . . .

“GRRRRR!”

“Rawrrrrrrrr”

Matty LIKE!

Apparently, having a new nifty new tattoo has turned Jeremy into the frat party version of a super hero.  He LIFTS HEAVY KEGS with a single orgasmic grunt.  Matt pretends to be concerned about Jeremy’s “mental health” and stuff.  But you know that deep down he’s impressed, kind of jealous, and a little bit turned on . . .

Meanwhile, even feuding femme fatales, Caroline and Elena, agree that Professor Boo Radley is mega creepy, and always seems to be putting his annoyingly curly head of hair where it isn’t wanted.  Therefore, it’s a kind of a good thing Damon wants to kill him, right?

He even has serial killer eyebrows . . .

Speaking of making a killing . . .

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, MURDER!

Stefan’s scouring the hospital for humans with a very specific set of medical conditions.  At first, I assume that this little hunting trip was brought on by breakup-induced stress eating . . .

But nope. Stefan’s looking for “bad people” to turn, just like Elena was looking for “bad frat brothers” to much on, during her campus excursion with Damon, a few weeks back.  After all, everyone knows that Bad People taste better (much more flavor!).

Stefan finds what he’s looking for in a hospitalized killer who completely lacks remorse for his misdeeds.  You know, kind of like Stefan and the rest of the Scooby Gang, when they killed Poor Hybrid Chris to cure Elena of Night Terrors.  Stefan promptly turns Killer Guy, into a vamp, in hopes that he can later force Jeremy kill him.

“You will MAKE OUT WITH MY ARM, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, BITCH!  In case you haven’t heard, my girlfriend dumped me, and I haven’t had sex in two weeks.  I’ll take what I can get.”

And hey, if doing that just so happens to transform Jer Bear into a raging lunatic, so be it.  Because . . . let’s all say it together now . . . WE’RE DOING IT TO SAVE ELENA!

Except, here’s a new wrinkle in that plan . . . This time, Elena doesn’t really need saving, you know, being IMMORTAL, and stuff . . .

Because unlike CRAZY!DERANGED! Elena, Caroline doesn’t have a thing for Bad Boys at all . . . does she?

Oh Sweet Caroline!  You aren’t fooling anyone with your “Go away I’m busy,” “Don’t buy me dresses,” act with Klaus.  Everybody knows you want to hit that hybrid booty, and hit it HARD.

“Do you think he’s looking at me?  He’s TOTALLY looking at me.  Play it cool, Caroline.  Maybe he won’t notice that you’re reading your clipboard upside down . . .”

And hey, none of us blame you for looking.  That smirk of Klaus’ could melt the polar ice caps.

But you know what they say.  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t pick on Elena for lusting after a bad boy, when you are lusting after a worse one.

Wait. . .  that’s now how it goes . . .  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t . . . be hypocrites?  No, that’s not it either.  Ooh nevermind.

But my poor analogies have purpose!  They actually bring me to two rather interesting, and oddly parallel, scenes in our story: one featuring Lady Elena, and the other starring none other than Caroline Forbes herself . . .

The Tale of the Tell Tale Dress and the Phallic-Looking Bird

“Hey Caroline.  We’re supposed to be helping April pick out a dress.  Stop staring at my boobs.”

April Young is running for Miss Mystic Falls, like Elena and Caroline before her. I suspect we are supposed to like care or something.  But I’m still having difficulty getting invested in April.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I keep waiting for her to get brutally murdered.

Also, I want Matt to be with Rebekah.  There, I said it.  Matt is just such a “nice guy,” and April is such a “nice girl.” And as “nice” as it would be if they were a couple, it would probably  . . . no, definitely  . . . put me to sleep watching them on my screen.

But I’m not here to talk about Matt and April, or even Matt and Rebekah, for that matter.  I’m here to talk about Elena, and her reaction to April’s choice of dress.  At first, she agrees with Caroline, and is all about the blue.  Then Damon swoops in, and suddenly she’s agreeing with him, and she’s all about the red.

“Because Red is the color of Blood.  And if you look like Blood, everyone in this town will want to eat you.  And, in case you haven’t noticed, we all equate eating with sexual attraction around here . . .”

Now, of course Caroline is morally aghast by the whole situation.  Later on, she’ll use it as evidence that Elena is “sired” to Damon.

I don’t know, I just see it as evidence, that Elena doesn’t have many strong opinions about fashion.  I mean, Caroline certainly didn’t accuse Elena of being sired to her, when she agreed to her choice of dress, did she?  Beyond that, I’d just say that Elena was acting like a girl who’s recently discovered she has a crush.  We’ve all been in those first stages of puppy love, before, haven’t we?  Suddenly, everything this person does is friggin adorable, and every word out of their mouth is pure gold.

There’s nothing supernatural about it.  Sometimes a dress is just a dress . . . Now, a hummingbird . . . that’s another story . . .

Remember that time when Klaus told a dying Caroline this beautiful, inspirational, story about the perks of being a vampire, and that same story inspired her to LIVE?

Well, this hummingbird story wasn’t that.  So, wait, let me get this straight.  Big bad Klaus decided he envied humanity, all because some bird with a big schnoz looked at him cockeyed?

Shake that ass, humming bird!  Klaus loves you!

Really?  That’s funny, because, last I checked HUMANS AREN’T BIRDS!

And yet, as Klaus’ date to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, Caroline just ate that stupid hummingbird story up, like it was delicious blood-covered chocolate brownie.  And why?  Because puppy love can make you approve of some very stupid things . . .

“That bird story is the stupidest crap I ever heard.”

“But you’re so yummy.  Wait . . . tell me that amazing story about the bird again.”

Think about THAT the next time you are Judgy McJudgersoning Elena, CareBear . . .

Speaking of puppy love . . .

Elena confesses!  Damon swoons!  Professor Boo Radley cockblocks!

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Yes, yes, yes.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, since we saw it in last week’s promos.  Elena calls out to Damon from the top of that romantic spiral staircase.  She meets him at the bottom, and finally confesses to him the words that this vampire has arguably been waiting to hear for about 150 years, from the girl who looks like Nina Dobrev, and whose name is alternately Katherine and Elena.  She has FEELINGS FOR HIM!

She dumped STEFAN for him!

She may even . . . wait for it . . . LOVE HIM!  And just in time for the holidays too . . .

I just loved seeing Damon’s expression, upon hearing this.  I love how he didn’t even really try to play it cool, and casual,  like he usually does.  Damon was overcome with emotion.  He was ecstatic.  He was . . . just like every Delena fan watching at home . . . minus the girly screams, and the screechy choruses of “OH MY GAWWWWWWWWD!”

And then that bastard Boo Radley had to come and frack it all up.  KILL HIM ALREADY, WILL YOU WRITERS!  I don’t care if he’s Silas!

“Look, Damon and Elena are having a Moment.  This looks like a job for COCKBLOCK OF THE WEEK, MWAH-HA HA!”

Damon leaves to have a little conversation with Mr. Creeper Man.  And it’s a pretty typical scene, where the pair shower one another with innuendo, and thinly-veiled threats.  YAWN!  Professor Boo Radley bores me.  More Delena please . . .

In, more exciting, non-Boo Radley, related news . . .

Mini Gilbert pops his vampire killing cherry . . . again.

“Why can’t I just have wet dreams, like normal teenage boys?”

“In my dreams, this was much bigger . . . just like my weiner.”

Poor JerBear . . . he’s having dreams about murdering his sister.  I wonder, maybe if the Scooby Gang kills a hybrid, they can cure him of these night terrors.  Oh wait . . . we only do that for Elena.  When it comes to Mini Gilbert, we do things to make him MORE crazy, not less.  To his credit,  Jeremy definitely seems morally aghast by his own unfulfilled desires.  But then his “bro” Stefan texts him.  And he ditches out on the Miss Mystic Falls pageant to go see him about killing a newbie vamp.

“Remind me to delete this asshole from my contacts list.  He’s always getting me into trouble.“

Stefan was a real jerk, in this scene, wasn’t he?  The way he manipulated Jeremy into making the kill, knowing full well that there was a major possibility that doing it would turn our mild mannered former emo kid into, as Damon cleverly put it, “Connor 2.0?”

Was I the only one who was cheering just a little bit, when Jeremy, not only didn’t show Stefan his pretty new tattoo, but immediately turned on the vampire, and staked his ass?   Come on, admit it, dude had it coming . . .

I find the way the writers dealt with Jeremy’s Vampire Hunter transformation interesting.  It was as if, the minute he killed vampire number 2, the guy became a completely different person . . . like he was a man possessed . . . like he had an alter ego . . . like his former self lacked free will over him . . . like he was Evil!Alaric . . .

And it kind of makes me wonder what kind of guy Connor was, before he became a vampire hunter . . .

While Jeremy’s Presto Chango Personality Transformation made for good television drama, part of me wished for a little more subtlety, and gradual metamorphosis, on the character’s part.  I find this is a frequent complaint I have with the show.  I recall having made similar comments about Stefan’s “ripperness” and Alaric’s “psycho-ness,” not long before.  And here is my general feeling.  When you give a character an “alter ego,” you enable him or her to disclaim complete responsibility for all acts committed while in that state.  And that gives your characters a sort of moral “easy out” clause, that I don’t necessarily think they deserve.

Part of me would much prefer to see Jeremy gradually struggle with his feelings about vampires, and the ways they conflict with the love he has for his family and friends.  But that’s just me . . .

And the winner is . . . zzzzz

Meh . . . I would have gone with the blue dress.

April won.  Jeremy bailed at the last minute, because he was out being “naughty,” just like Stefan was, back in Season 1.  Matt then stepped into Damon’s Season 1’s shoes, by acting as April’s last-minute Knight in Shining Kmart suit.  Plotwise, it did little to advance the main story.  But it was a kind of clever way to send up, one of the most popular episode’s in the show’s first season.

Not to mention, those looks that Damon and Elena were giving one another, as they recalled their days of Unrequited Passion / Mating Dance past?  PRICELESS . . .

Breaking Bones and Taking Numbers

“Hurry up and break your sire bond, already.  I want to watch Honey Boo Boo!”

I like Hayley.  I really do.  I know I’ve bitched about not warming to April.  But I started enjoying Phoebe Tonkin’s part in this series, almost as soon as she appeared.  Maybe it’s because I liked her in The Secret Circle.  Maybe it’s because she’s just a good actress.  Or maybe I like her tension with Tyler and Caroline, and feel like she’s the type of “tough girl” we don’t see enough on this show.  Whatever the reason, I thought the scenes where she boredly “coached” that hybrid chick through breaking her sire bond were pretty darn hilarious.

Not for this chick though, I imagine . . .

And I was disappointed at the end of the episode, when I learned that she was in CAHOOTS (love that cheesy word), with the detestable BOO RADLEY.  And no, the fact that she begged for “Tyler not to get hurt,” did little to endear her in my eyes.  You know what they say, you lie down with creepers, you start giving people the creeps.

So, I hope they redeem this chick soon . . . and not just by making her die a dramatic death, as they tend to do on this show.

Speaking of Boo . . .

Shane, Shane, we know your name “It’s Silas Professor Boo Radley.”

Evil eyebrows at work again . . .

So, now we have a reason to keep Boo Radley alive . . . umm yay?

So, basically his whole connection to this thing is that he can make Bonnie Bennett regain her witchy powers, so that she can help find the “cure” to vampirism .  . . because apparently the Map Tattoo and pretty stake aren’t enough.

Wait a minute . . . is THAT A HUMMINGBIRD ON HIS SHOULDER?

Ugh!  So, in other words, we’ve yoked a character I don’t like to another character I don’t like.  And had that same first yucky character (Boo) taint a character I actually DO like (Hayley).

GO AWAY SHANE!

So, much for that whole “not murdering your sister” thing, huh, Jer Bear?

Things get pretty tense when Elena finds her brother at the Salvatore mansion, all bloody and stuff, from killing That Guy.  Long story short, she vamps out, he stabs her neck .  . . (perhaps as payback for the time when she killed him last week).   Matt comes to save the day, which was nice of him, I guess, since Elena’s saved him quite a few times.

All kidding aside, I thought the scene was pretty nicely done, in the sense that it was TRULY shocking to see Jeremy revert to a character this depraved, almost on the drop of a dime.

At the end of the episode, Jeremy plans to leave town, so he won’t, you know, kill his sister and stuff.  But Savior Matt convinces him to stay, and promises to “watch out for him.”  Personally, I think that’s a terrible idea.  Matt Donovan couldn’t “watch out” for a half-empty beer keg, and he’s supposed to prevent Jeremy from murdering all the undead in Mystic Falls?

It will make for a good story though, I guess . . .

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (if you are a Delena fan, at least)

So, with Jeremy staying at La Casa Gilbert, Brush-with-Death Elena finds herself without a home.  And though she could probably just check into a hotel, or stay with Bonnie or Caroline, she decides to make an already awkward situation that much more awkward, by moving into the Salvatore House, with the guy she dumped, and the guy she wants to bone, both under the same roof.

It’s like that old 70s show Three’s Company, only with lots of biting, and less Suzanne Somers . . .

But then Stefan decides to move out, thereby giving Elena and Damon about 20 free rooms, not to mention a ton of bathrooms, in which to screw at their leisure.  I LOVE IT!

Damon and Elena sit by the fire, where they’ve had many an intense conversation in the past.  She makes a really good point, when she notes how all her so-called friends have been judging her, telling her she’s not as good of a person, as a vampire, and trying to cure her of the person she’s become.

But it seems like, finally, whereas Elena spent the first few weeks of her vampirism mired in self-loathing, she’s now coming to terms with who she’s become, and is OK with it.  It’s like she said to Stefan in an earlier scene.  “You don’t have to love me like this,” because, at least it’s implied “I love myself.”

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Who would have thought it would take vampirism to convert Elena into a role model for positive teen self esteem?  I think that’s what Damon means, when he tells her that he’s never seen her more alive.  Things get romantic and sticky sweet, when the pair decide to relive their EPIC Mystic Falls dance.  Only whereas last time, the pair weren’t allowed to touch one another, this time, the dance ends with a dip and a passionate kiss.

And then they pretty much bone one another’s brains out . . .

In short, it was F*&KING AMAZING, after 3 years to finally watch these two F*&K.  LONGEST FOREPLAY EVER.  And while certain “other things,” happened during the scene to taint it’s “purity.”  I choose to view it the way the person who made this video did . . .

HALLELUJAH!

Yes, yes, I know, the REAL SEX SCENE was inter cut by a high strung Caroline and smug Stefan chalking Elena’s newfound vampire urges up to a “sire bond,” but I’m trying not to let that get to me.

Blah, blah, blah, interrupting my Delena sex blah . . .

To me, chalking up Elena’s inability to drink blood from a bag to her supernatural connection with Damon, as opposed to her status as a vampire, is simply replacing one far-fetched mythology for another.  It doesn’t change things for me.  Many vampire tales, the TVD book series included, have posited the “blood bond,” as a reason for closeness between vampires and their mates.  And this supernatural anomaly hasn’t managed to foil the genuine closeness of the couple, in those situations.  And I hope the writers won’t cop out, and allow it to do so here.

Aside from which, this so-called sire bond between Damon and Elena, is clearly very different from the one Klaus has with his hybrids, as Hayley explains, earlier in the episode.  Tyler and company yoked to Klaus, not because they wanted to get into his pants (though some of them might have), but because they “appreciated,” his freeing them from the pain of monthly transformation. And yet, they must not have “appreciated” him all that much, because if they did, they wouldn’t be so intent to break the sire bond, in the first place.

“HAHA!  Gotcha writers . . .”

Elena “appreciates” Damon too.  But she does so because he’s been accepting of her new self, when no one else she cares about has.  She appreciates how he loves her, unconditionally, whether she’s human or vampire, pristine or monstrous.  And she also appreciates him because well . . . he’s hot and sexy.  Let’s be honest.

So, if Stefan wants to make himself feel better about the breakup, by chalking it up to a once-in-a-lifetime siring, good for him.

But I for one, hope that Elena and Damon see this through to the end, sire bond, or no sire bond.  And that, if such a bond does exist, that Elena finds a way to break it, so that she can prove to herself that her love for Damon is pure, just as Book Elena and Sookie Stackhouse have done before her . . .

But hey, enough about all this mythology crap, Delena fans.  Let’s just bask in the glory of the fact that our SHIP FINALLY HAD SEX.  HOORAY!  Next time on TVD .   . .

Until then  . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

A Good Day to Be an Underdog – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We all go a little mad sometimes”

So many really great pornos started just like this.  Except, if this was a porno, Damon would be wearing a fireman’s hat or a Superman cape . . . and nothing else . . .

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” Fangbangers.  It’s a movie quote that I thought originated from the 90’s horror classic, Scream.

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But apparently, it’s even older than that . . . like, Psycho OLD . . .

The promos for this week’s episode (and its title) were misleading . . . in a good way.  What many of us thought would be a rather annoying episode about Elena’s Trip to Wacky Town  . . .

. . . actually ended up being less about our female protagonist’s episode-long psychosis, and more about the series‘ underdogs finally getting their time to shine, whether that meant getting the girl, saving the day, or making yet another hybrid’s head into a Pez dispenser, just to add some ink to their arm tattoos   . . .

Then again, whether Damon and Klaus could actually be considered underdogs on this show, is likely a point of contention among fans . . .

Nonetheless, “We all go a little mad sometimes,” was definitely a “game changer: of an episode, more of one, perhaps, than any of the episodes that preceded it, this season.  So, hold on to your heads, your hearts, and your sunscreen rings, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Why you should always think twice, before stabbing people in the carotid artery . . .

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JEREMY: “If you didn’t want me to make you waffles for breakfast, you could have just said so.”

You know what sucks about hallucinating that every single person you know looks exactly like That Dude You Killed?

“I must just have one of those faces . . .”

Well, aside from the obvious, there’s a really good chance, you’ll end up murdering your baby brother in the kitchen, by jabbing a steak knife into his carotid artery.

Sh*t happens . . .

First of all, you’ve really got to hand it to Elena Gilbert.  I mean, I’ve heard of people who sleep walk, sleep talk, sleep eat, even sleep drive, but Sleep Kill?  Now, that’s impressive . . .

The episode begins with Elena awakening from a bad dream, and heading to the kitchen for a hot drink, only to find Hotty the Ex Vampire Slayer, standing before her all broody and bloody.  For a guy who got knifed in voice box, Dead Connor sure is chatty. He’s yammering on and on to Elena about how he has a brother, and how he died in an unmarked grave, and Boo Hoo Hoo WAHHHH.

Could you really blame Elena for wanting to shut him up again, by poking a fork in his kneck, like a chef testing how well his meat is cooked?  Except, there’s one slight problem.  Connor doesn’t exist anymore.  And Mini Gilbert just so happens to be standing in his place . . .

“If you people don’t stop poking holes in my body, every time you go temporarily insane, or are just in a really bad mood, I’m going to compel myself back to Denver . . .”

That makes a whopping THREE deaths for Jeremy, who had his neck snapped by Damon, in Season 2, and was shot by Sheriff Forbes at the end of that same season.  This new death, at the hands of his own sister, doesn’t quite land Jeremy in Alaric territory . . . I mean, that guy died like 580 times .  . .

. . . and lord knows how many times Rebekah and Elijah have met the sharp end of that White Oak stake.

However, it still gives Mystic Falls’ resident Scrappy Doo a one up on his sister, who, so far, has only croaked twice . . .which, on this show, is like a walk in the park . . .

While Elena waits for her brother’s Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality to kick in, she calls Damon for moral support.  After all, if anyone knows what it feels like to temporarily kill Jeremy Gilbert, it’s Damon.

Also, Saint Stefan’s vampire buzzkill ways, coupled with a few recent fibs on his part, not to mention the surprise resurgence of his obviously sexual relationship with one Klausipoo (Come on, those two aren’t fooling ANYBODY!) have been enough to move the younger Salvatore brother down one notch on Elena’s Emergency Contacts list . . .

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STEFAN: *whistles uncomfortably*

But then Damon calls Stefan to come over . . . I think because the poor blue-eyed vamp has become so used to getting denied nookie on this show that he’s started to cockblock himself . . .

Except Elena doesn’t want to talk to Stefan, she wants to have We Both Killed Jeremy Gilbert Once, But that Doesn’t Necessarily Make Us Bad People Sex with Damon! take a shower, thank you very much!

 

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This would be a great commercial for dishwasher detergent.  “Look NO DISHPAN HANDS!”

Unfortunately, for Elena, once she’s alone again, her hallucinations start kicking back into high gear.  What’s a baby vamp to do?

“Eat my feelings?”

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

There Ain’t No Party Like a Headless Hybrid Party . . .

Tyler, Hayley, and the rest of their Wacky Woof Pack have apparently spent the night repeatedly toasting to the life of That Random Hybrid that Got Blown Up Last Week, but not to the life of That Random Hybrid Who Got His Head Chopped Off Two Weeks Ago, thus proving that, much like high school, every Wacky Woof Pack has it’s jocks that people actually care about, and its mathletes that they don’t.  Sucks to be you, Headless Hybrid Number 22!

Then, Hayley does this thing where she seductively feeds Tyler booze from her finger.  And I guess it’s supposed to be sexy.  But as anyone who’s actually been up all night partying knows, all-night partiers’ fingers are the last places you want to be licking (well, almost the last places), because you have no idea where they’ve been . . .

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“Contrary to popular belief, my mouth is NOT your sink.”

Caroline comes flouncing in at that moment in a huff to engage in the ex-girlfriend ritual of “returning ex-boyfriend’s belongings in a box.”

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I don’t know . . . taking the time to pack your exes crap in a box, just so you can hand deliver it to him . . . it seems like a lot of work to me.  Personally, I like to throw all my ex-boyfriends’ sh*t in my cat’s litterbox, and let her do the rest of the dirty work.  But that’s just me . . .

“I knew my hat smelled funny.”

It sure makes Klaus happy though, who just so “happens” to walk in at the moment all this is going down.  The Original Hybrid wastes absolutely no time giving Caroline those trademark googly eyes that say, “When you’re done playing FedEx Delivery Girl with Tyler, come play Naughty Nurse with me.”

But it looks like the joke might be on Klaus.  Because, the minute the blonde vamp exits stage right, Hayley and Caroline are patting one another on the back for a ruse well-played, and Tyler and Caroline are tonguing one another, like it’s their job.  (Be careful, Caroline.   Tyler’s tongue just had Hayley’s all-night party finger all over it.  Can you say, Germ Party?)

 

Turns out, the whole scene was just a ruse to throw Klaus off the gangs’ Master Plan to free all the hybrids from their Master’s Sire Bond.  In fact, one hybrid named Chris is already a success story.  Sorry Chris.  We all know what happens to hybrids who get a name that isn’t “Tyler,” don’t we?

Enjoy having a name, and partying with Sexy Finger-Sucking Hayley, while you can.  Because it looks like you just got a first class, one-way ticket to the Hybrid Pez Head Hall of Fame . . .

Adventures in Babysitting Elena Gilbert . . .

After paying his hybrids a visit, Klaus calls his boyfriend Stefan for a quick booty call.  I can’t tell you exactly what he says.  But I suppose it goes something like this:

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“Hey my Ripper Stud!  How’s it hanging?  Has your not-nearly-as-good-in-the-sack-as-me girlfriend started going all loony tunes from killing a vampire hunter yet?  She has?  So, in other words, both my love interests’ significant others are misbehaving, and making me look gooooood.  This must be my lucky day! Pull down your pants.  I’m coming over.”

Klaus explains to Stefan that part of the Curse of the Five is that, when a vampire kills one of them, the dead hunters spirit haunts that vampire until he or she offs herself . . . you know, permanently.  Klaus wants Stefan to lend him Elena to make sure she doesn’t rid the show of it’s main female protagonist.  Stefan is understandably leery of his boyfriend’s promise.  After all, we all know what happened the last time Klaus “borrowed,” Elena . . .

Unfortunately, for Stefan, Elena chooses this exact moment to mistake Damon for Dead!Connor.  And, within minutes, the latter rushes right into Klaus’ waiting arms . . .

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All of the sudden, this show just became one of those “zany” sitcoms, where the main character loses the kid he’s babysitting for, and has to go on all these CRAZY adventures, to find the kid, before The Parents get home . . .

A Christmas Carol – Mystic Falls Edition

Klaus locks Elena in one of those elegant-looking dungeons that all civilized super villains seem to have built into their homes.  It’s there that Crazy!Elena starts morphing into Mystic Falls’ version of Ebenezer Scrooge.  And just in time for the holidays!

We’ve already seen Elena be visited by the Ghost of Vampire Present, a.k.a Hot!Dead Connor. But now it’s time for Elena to get a glimpse into her vampire future, a.k.a Katherine.  I have to say, though I was initially annoyed that the writers took the time to bring back Elena’s Vixen Doppelganger, only to have her be little more than a figment of Schizo!Elena’s warped imagination, I kind of enjoyed watching Nina Dobrev so expertly turn her own alter ego to mush, with some awesomely biting insults.

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It’s hard being That Girl in the show or the movie, with whom all the hot supernatural creatures are madly in love, who always seems to need saving, and who is inadvertently responsible for most, if not all, of the untimely deaths in the series.  Because, as much as female fans might want to be you, a lot of them will also want to shove pointy objects up your ass, or, at the very least, feed you lard, and make your face break out in lots of pimples.  Just ask Bella Swan and Sookie Stackhouse . . .

So, while loving Vampire Diaries means, at least to some extent, loving Elena Gilbert, we all also hate her a little bit too.  And the part of us that hates her, got a real kick out of hearing our complaints about the character emerge directly from the mouth of Katherine Petrova . . .

In which I hope Professor Boo Radley doesn’t end up being this Silas Guy (because then I won’t be able to call him Professor Boo Radley anymore) . . .

Our Scooby Gang always seems to be searching for some “cure,” don’t they?  Just last week, they were hunting for a cure for vampirism, now they are seeking out a Cure for Crazy.  Their Pal Bon-Bon suggests that Professor Boo Radley might be just the guy to give them the answers they are seeking.

Worst Show and Tell EVER!

For the second time this season, we are subjected to another one of Boo Radley’s boring lectures about the occult . . .

.  . . except this one is about a seriously pissed-off dude named Silas, who literally lives under a rock.  It also raises some questions.  Could this Big Bad Silas guy be “the cure” to vampirism everyone is talking about?  Is Professor Boo Radley his alter ego, a la Clark Kent and Super Man?  Does this mean, I’m going to actually have to start listening to Professor Boo Radley, when he talks instead of sleeping, or taking a bathroom break, because his words might actually be important to the show’s mythology?  Man, I hope not . . .

As Matt cleverly pointed out, during his random chat with Damon at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls (Damon is still ordering drinks for Alaric, by the way.  How adorable is that?) . . .

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 . . . anyone who knows anything in this town is just assumed creepy, until proven otherwise.  And Professor Boo Radley sure does seem to know a lot about The Five.  Not only was he IN CAHOOTS with Hot!Connor, he also seemed to have been IN CAHOOTS! with that wackadoodle Pastor Young from the premiere episode.  Did I mention it was Professor Boo Radley, who conveniently clued in the rest of the Scooby Gang to the information they needed to secure Jeremy Gilbert’s status as a new vampire hunter?

Something smells fishy about Professor Boo Radley, and it’s not just all that gel he uses in his hair, or that his hippy dippy candlelit office probably reeks of patchouli.  It’s something else . ..  something BAAAAAAD . . .

In which we continue our trend of senselessly murdering hybrids, and Caroline takes her turn as the romantic lead . . .

Armed with the information they received about The Five, the Scooby Gang formulates a new two-pronged Save Elena plan.  First, free her from Klaus clutches, with the help of no-longer-sired-to-Klaus-hybrid Chris.  Then, get Jeremy to kill a vampire, thereby activating himself as a new member of The Five, and simultaneously breaking the hold DeadHOT! Connor has on Nutzo!Elena before she kills herself . . . again.

The first part seems like it should be easy.  After all, with Scooby Gang sympathizer Chris guarding her door, all Stefan really has to do is walk right in and free Elena, right.  Except, like I said, Stefan  is the Worst Babysitter in the World!

So, of course, two minutes after Stefan walks through that dungeon door, Elena is all, “Stefan, when did you turn into a hot bald black man who’s trying to kill me? AHHHHHHHH!”

She runs out.  And he loses her, AGAIN . . .

I know I shouldn’t be laughing at Stefan’s pain, and Elena’s psychoses, but I totally am . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Klaus flirts some more with Caroline.  And she uses her feminine wiles to get the Original Hybrid on board with the Scooby Gang’s plan to “activate Jeremy” and “save Elena.”

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Whether your Team Klaroline or Team Forwood, you have to admit, Candice Accola and Joseph Morgan are fun to watch on screen together.  Their chemistry is just so different than the one that exists between Caroline and Tyler, that it makes this new love triangle, which could come off as stale or cliche with lesser actors, something fresh and interesting . . .

That said, I couldn’t have been the only one rolling my eyes, when Klaus told Caroline that if Tyler was still sired to him, the baby hybrid would never hurt the Vampire Barbie.  REALLY?  Says the guy who, just last season, used his sire bond to get Tyler to POISON CAROLINE WITH HIS SALIVA and almost kill her, just so Klaus could come to her rescue?

Here’s some advice, Klaus:  when trying to woo your lady love, play toward your strengths: buying expensive jewelery and dresses, offering up exotic vacations, doing that panty-dropping smirk thing you do, drawing ponies . . .

Save the “Honorable Guy / Hero” stuff for your adversary, Tyler, because it just doesn’t work for you . . .

Shortly thereafter, in a scene that upset me more than I thought it would, Sort-of Anonymous Hybrid Chris runs into Klaus, just moments after helping Team Scooby and paving the way toward his freedom.  The Original Hybrid stabs the poor guy, and then steps aside while Sweet Little Jeremy hacks off the head of yet another hybrid, in order to . . . wait for it . . . SAVE ELENA . . . the only difference is that, unlike the first one he killed, this one was genuinely a nice guy.  Too bad the writers had to go and give him a name . . .

I know a lot of people were disappointed in Tyler for throwing that glass at the wall in anger, upon learning that, not only had he pretty much hand delivered his fellow pack member to certain death, but that Caroline agreed to go on a date with Klaus, in order to ensure that it would happen.  But personally, I think that anger was kind of justified, under the circumstances.  Old Season 1 Tyler probably would have broken a heck of a lot worse than a wine glass, had that happened to him . . .

In which Damon Salvatore saves the day (AND quotes an 80’s movie), all in the same hour!

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Damon uses his expert knowledge of Elena to conclude that her wackadoodle self ran off to Wickory Bridge, i.e. “the place where it all began.”  But before he can find her, we get a fun little scene where The Ghost of Elena’s Vampire Present (Hot!DEAD! Connor), and the Ghost of Elena’s Evil! Vampire Future (Missing! Vampire Katherine) team up with the Ghost of Elena’s Not-So-Vampire Past (Mommy!) team up for a fun little game I like to call “Get Elena to kill herself.”

Now, if Connor Ghost was creepy, and Katherine Ghost was intellectually satisfying, Mommy Ghost was just frigging hilarious, though,  I suspect the last was not entirely intentional.  Come on . . . the blank expression she had on her face . . . the Stepford Wife smile . . . her complete lack of irony, as she told Elena, “Hey, you were an awesome human daughter, but as a vampire, you suck.  You should totally throw yourself off the bridge, honey, and join your underwater parents, whose corpses might still be there.  It’s what a Good Daughter would do . . .

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“Hmmm . . . I wonder what I’m having for dinner tonight.  I’m so tired of fish.”

Dramatic music blares in the background, as Elena stares over the bridge, and THROWS AWAY HER SUNSCREEN RING . . .

Now, that’s just a waste of perfectly good jewelry, not to mention environmentally unsound.  Just think about all the fish with insanely small heads who might choke on that ring . . .

Fortunately, Yummy Damon appears just moments after Jeremy chopped off Poor Chris’ head, thereby breaking the Suicide Spell on Elena FOREVER . . . or, at least, until the show comes up with another Spell That Puts Elena’s Life in Danger . . .

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The two of them exchange A LOOK . . . you know, the one.  It’s a look that says.

DAMON: “Hey sexy.  I’m so glad your still dead, but not, you know . . . DEAD, DEAD.  I’d really like to have sex with you right here on this bridge, where you keep almost dying.”

ELENA: “Hey hot stuff.  I’m so glad you came to see me at the exact same spot where I chose Stefan over you, and was punished for doing so by DYING.  Also, I’d really like to have sex with you right on this bridge, because why not?“

Then, the SUN COMES UP, which would normally be poignant and romantic . . . a metaphor for LIFE AND HOPE, except . . .

Well . . . this is a dead chick we’re talking about who just threw her sunscreen ring in river, so . . . OOPS.

Worry not, it’s Damon to the rescue!  He grabs Elena, and jumps into the water with her like Superman, saving her supernatural jewelry, just like he saved her vervain necklace, back in the day.

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Except, this time, Elena is SUPER APPRECIATIVE .  . . so appreciative that when Damon comes to see her in her bedroom the following morning she . . . wait for it . . .

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. . . fondles his . . . fingers.

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DARN . . . so close, right?  But wait . . . there’s more.

“It’s not you, it’s me . . . and my vampire sex urges for your older brother.”

Elena and Stefan have a heart to heart on the porch, after self-sacrificing brother extraordinaire Damon finally came clean to Elena about the whole “vampire cure” thing.  But for those of us who assumed we’d be subjected to YET another Stelena makeup scene, BOY were we wrong.  In a confession that literally caused my jaw to drop, Elena admitted to Stefan that her feelings for DAMON were growing stronger, and that she was not the same person with whom Stefan fell in love.

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And in a confession that dropped my jaw further, Stefan AGREED.

And then, they BROKE UP!

Holy crap!  For four years, Delena fans have been waiting for Elena to FINALLY recognize and give in to her romantic feelings for Damon.  But we never expected it to happen like this . . . It all just seemed so . . .matter-of-fact?

In a way, it’s the perfect time for the writers to explore the Delena relationship.  Not only does it give a nice nod to how Damon and Elena came together in the book series, it also makes sense.  While Stefan’s adoration of Elena remains largely fixated on the person she was . . . Damon has shown her, time and time, again, this season, that he loves, not only the young woman she was, but also the vampire she’s becoming . . .  His love is without condition or judgment.

It is accepting of Elena’s new-found impulses and flaws.  And while Elena is learning to accept her new self, she needs to be with the kind of man who can accept her too . . .

If I had to express one gripe about the way all this went down, it would be that, in the context of the season, it seemed to come a bit out of left field.  I mean, sure, Delena fans have all spent long hours analyzing scenes that show Elena fighting her unresolved passions for Damon.  But if we are to believe now that Elena feels MORE passionate about Damon, since becoming a vampire, I would have liked to have seen a scene or two, before she made her confession, which illustrated this . . .

Because aside from that one that one scene at the frat party . . .

. . . and a very short scene, in which Elena appeared to be checking out Damon’s shlong, we haven’t really gotten much of that so far this season.

Then again, I strongly suspect that the best is yet to come.  After all, anyone who’s ever had a secret crush knows that it’s when you actually verbalize it to your friends that it becomes the most real.  Suddenly, those feelings are out there in the world, and “playing it cool.” is simply no longer an option.

Just in time for the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

Hold on to your heart! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Killer”

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“With all the stress of My First Murder, I forgot to clean my bathroom, this week.  Do you think anyone will notice?”

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week’s installment of TVD was all about the things we do for love!

For example, Connor Jordan loved his Presto Chango / Invisible Ink tattoo so much, he spent all his spare time feeding it with dead vampires . . . even though doing that meant he had to live in a lame trailer, have no friends, and never ever get laid, despite being massively sexy, in a psychotic sort of way.

Klaus Mikaelson loves his hybrids so much that he is willing to send them all to certain death, in order to protect Elena (his hybrid-making machine) Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

Damon loves Stefan so much, that he is willing to actually stick his hand inside his brother’s chest, just so that he can hold on to the latter’s heart, while the two are engaged in casual conversation . . .

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“I don’t know, Stefan . . . I kind of thought it would be . . . bigger.”

So hold on to your heart strings, watch out for trip wires, and try not to let your imaginary friend bloody up your bathroom, because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Fun with Hypnosis . . .

Here’s something new!  Meet Professor Boo Radley Shane.  He is a freak of nature in Mystic Falls, because, unlike any other male character on this show, he actually gives more craps about keeping Bonnie alive than Elena.  So WEIRD, right?

*text messages writers, and orders them to kill off Professor Shane in three episodes*

Last week, TVD fans were shocked to learn that Professor Boo Radley and the hot-yet-destined-to-die-in-four-episodes Connor McVampire Killer were in COHOOTS with one another!

“Oh no!  Not COHOOTS, anything but COHOOTS!“

Actually, we weren’t all that shocked, because we could generally care less about Professor Boo Radley and his snoozy classes at Fakey McFake University.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week, Professor Boo Radley and Muscles Van Trailer Park chat cryptically about their plans for our Scooby Gang.  Muscles’ plan involves basically murdering them all, so he can finish his Magic Body Maze, and learn his character’s own back story.

“It would be a shame to die without ever knowing why God made me look so good naked  . . .”

Professor Boo Radley’s plans are a bit more hazy.  In fact, we still have no clue what they are, beyond the fact that, in order for them to work, Bonnie has to be not-dead.

To be honest, nothing much happens in this part of the story.  Basically, Professor Boo Radley uses Jedi mind tricks, boring speeches about “not fearing your witchy powers,” and his complete lack of personality to  lull our resident witch into a comatose stupor for seven hours.  This way, she’ll forget to be the plot device that rescues all the more important characters on the show!

No need to be embarrassed, Bonnie.  Most of the audience fell asleep during this part too.

And guess what?  His EvilGenius! Plan works!  P.S. Bonnie also lit some candles with her MIND, which is SUPER COOL . . .

Yeah, because THAT’S not a fire hazard at all . . .

. . . or, at least it was super cool . . . You know, before we discovered electricity, and stuff  . . .

Speaking of mental manipulation . . .

Sorry, April Young!  It looks like we are going to have to erase your brain again, this week!

It’s characters like April Young that make me wonder about the cumulative effects of vampire compulsion on the human psyche.  Have you ever pressed so hard, while using an eraser, that you poked a hole in the paper?  That’s what I fear is starting to happen to April Young’s brain.

*crickets*

I mean, think about it.  Girlfriend has been compelled at least once in every single solitary episode in which she’s appeared.  She’s already lost at least five days of her life.   Possibly more.  How much longer, before her brain just gets tired of being erased, and starts staying empty, as a form of self defense?

It wouldn’t be the first time . . .

When we first see April, this week, she’s paying a visit to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to inquire after her good buddy, Rebekah.  You guys remember, Rebekah, right?  Cute . . . blonde . . .  met the pointy side of the Nap Time for Originals Dagger, last week .  . .

Matt doesn’t have a clue where Klaus Barbie is hiding.   And he doesn’t care, thank you very much!  In fact, Matt’s much more concerned with the whereabouts of a certain Mini Gilbert, who is (gasp) 30 minutes late for work . . .

This is bad . . . especially when you consider the fact that Matt and Jeremy seem to be the only two people who actually work at this bar.  Seriously, I’ve never seen a manager, another waiter, or bartender . . . not even a dishwasher.  Nobody ever seems to lift a plate in this place, aside from CinderMatt.  If anyone is in need of a Fairy Godmother, it’s this guy!

Sorry Matt, it turned back into a pumpkin at midnight . . .

Little does Matt know that JerBear is currently being held at gunpoint by Baldy Vin Sexyvillain.

The latter then promptly takes Matt and April hostage too, right there in the bar.  Now, that’s just inconsiderate!  What the heck are the town’s resident alcoholics going to do, when they see the sign outside the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls that says : Closed Due to Hostage Crisis.  Come Back Later?

Alaric Saltzman must be rolling over in his grave!

I hope, for their sakes, that the Only Liquor Store in Mystic Falls opens early . . .

Connor then sends out a text message to Klaus, Stefan, Damon and Tyler, warning them that if they don’t retrieve their pet humans by sundown, HEADS WILL ROLL . . .

“Yippee!  I can add them to my collection!”

Hmmm . . . I’m just curious how Connor managed to get all these guys’ cell phone numbers.  Do they come free with the tattoo?

Back home, it’s time for another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Development, courtesy of our Scooby Gang.  We haven’t had one of those in a while, have we?  True to form, both Damon and Tyler are all, “Let’s kill this Hunky Bastard!  Villains on this show, who aren’t Klaus, are only supposed to live three episodes.  He’s already had four!  Dude is on borrowed time, Man!”

“Don’t be greedy, Connor.  It’s time to let the next bad guy move into the Villain Timeshare Trailer.”

Also true to form, Stefan is all, “Let’s not kill the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, because killing is bad . . . except, when I’m the Ripper, because then killing is awesome.  P.S. My boyfriend Klaus evoked the “Save Elena” clause in our F*ck Buddy contract, rendering me puddy in his Big Burly Original Hybrid Hands.

“Oops, wrong season.  What I mean to say is . . .”

“Humans are blessed creatures, even the ones who like to chop off our heads and use them as hat racks.”

Though Elena’s fierce love for her brother, and new-found vampire-y killer instincts, make her more partial to Damon’s and Tyler’s point of view, she ultimately decides to support Saint Stefan, and his lame, non-violent, approach to hostage rescue . . . at least, for now BO-RING!

Speaking of Elena, for someone who supposedly LOOOOOVES Stefan . . . only Stefan . . . always Stefan . . . she sure was quick to find an excuse to jump Damon in bed, straddle him, and taunt him with a phallic object, wasn’t she?

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Some of my favorite Damon and Elena moments, last season, featured them aggressively fondling one another, while trading grunts and moans of ecstasy “training to fight vampires.”  So, it was really nice to see that sexy, rough and tumble, aspect of their relationship revisited this week.

“For someone who doesn’t want to be like me, you sure are good at it,” Damon notes, with a mixture of admiration and apparent arousal, as Elena hovers breathlessly over him, a tantalizing prelude to something more . . .

Later on in the episode, Stefan will complain that he doesn’t “recognize” the person post-vampire Elena has become.  But, to me, Damon’s and Elena’s flirtatious fight scenes are proof that Elena’s fierceness and aggressive nature existed long before she drowned, underneath the Wickory Bridge . . .

Speaking of aggressive . . .

Tyler Lockwood . . . not quite as big of a male slut as we once thought . . .

It’s been a while since we’ve seen Caroline’s kitty claws come out, in defense of her man.  But that’s exactly what happened this week, when she came face-to-face with Hayley, i.e. the werewolf who watched Tyler get naked and sweaty repeatedly for six months, while he “broke his sire bond.”  (Now, if that doesn’t sound like a euphemism for sex, I don’t know what does!)

Now, of course,  I always am, and always will be 100% Team Caroline.  That said, I couldn’t help but grudgingly respect Hayley for refusing to engage in a girl fight with Caroline, despite being provoked to do so.  “I don’t do Girl Drama.  Talk to Ty,” she said coolly, before exiting, stage left.

Later, Caroline’s “I’m being cheated on” senses start tingling again, when she spots Tyler and Hayley embracing over the shared lost of a mutual hybrid friend.  (More on that unlucky bastard, later.)

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“Why is my boyfriend dry humping the mean witch from The Secret Circle?”

Tyler, of course, assures Caroline that he and Hayley are “just friends.”  (We’ve all heard that one before, haven’t we?)

But Tyler takes his defense one step further, explaining that he and Hayley are actually plotting a Hybrid Revolt against Klaus, whereby they will teach other hybrids to break the “I am Klaus’ B*tch” hold he has over all of them.  He claims to have allowed Klaus to believe he was cheating on Caroline with Hayley, in order to throw him off the scent of what was really going on . . .

Do we believe Tyler?  For now, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Then again, it’s possible that the fact that Tyler looks so great with his shirt off is clouding my judgement.

Mmmmmm . . . pretttttttttyyyyyy

I guess we will soon find out, either way . . .

Stefan Salvatore . . . proving once again that you don’t actually have to be a hybrid to be Klaus’ b*tch . . .

While Klaus is away playing Find the Majestic Penis Sword, his boyfriend Stefan keeps himself busy, by carrying out the former’s Super Secret Plan to extract Villain-of-the-Week Connor and his Magical Maze tattoo from the hostage den.  This way, Team Ripper can use Connor’s hot bod to Cure Elena of Icky Vampirism.

Klaus and Stefan . . . saving The World . . . one Brokeback Mountain at a time . . .

Klaus gets his hybrids.  Stefan gets his “angelic girlfriend” back.  And Elena can stop writing massively depressing diary entries, like the one she wrote at the beginning of the episode.  Everybody wins, right?

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Now, remind me why this “plan” had to be kept a Super Secret, again?  Because it seems to me that both Damon and Elena would have been a lot more amenable to following Stefan’s lead, had he actually TOLD them why he was doing things this way.  Instead, Stefan just acted shady, ignored both of their phone calls, and . . . oh yeah . . . STAKED DAMON WITH VERVAIN, AND STOLE HIS SUNSCREEN RING!

This is probably one of those situations where plot necessity gets in the way of character consistency and logic, right?

I thought so . . .

Unnecessary secrecy aside, Klaus’ and Stefan’s “Master Plan” to “save” Connor seemed kind of . . . how do I put this nicely . . . dumb?  I mean, come on, here is a guy who loves killing vampires so much that he’s WALKING AROUND WITH THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF THE ONE HE KILLED IN THE LAST EPISODE, and using it’s spit to make explosives.  (By the way, do decapitated heads really continue to produce saliva?  Creepy!)

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We’re not exactly talking garden-variety evil here.  This dude is f*&ked up with a capital “F.”  And he’s got three people you care about,  in his clutches.  (Well . . . two people you care about,  and one April.)

Now, I’m no army strategist.  But to me, when you have soldiers in danger, in a room, that is likely rigged with explosives, sending in one of your men to basically get himself, and everyone else in the place, blown up (Sorry, random hybrid with the literal gaping hole in your heart!), seems like a BAD IDEA.

Meanwhile, back in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Current Vampire Hunter Connor continues to flirt with his hostage Future Vampire Hunter Jeremy, in what I imagine is some form of Reverse Stockholm Syndrome.  Hunky McCrazy brags to Jeremy that he is so gung ho about killing vamps, he even killed his best friend, after she became one.  Aww, what a sweet story!

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Elsewhere, Matt, i.e. the second-to-last-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-learn-that-vampires-exist, tries to tell April, i.e. the-only-person-in-Mystic-Falls-to-not-know-vampires-exist that this hostage situation is perfectly normal, and has absolutely nothing to do with supernatural creatures, NO SIR!  In the back of the bar, Matt manages to find the opening to some underground railroad tunnel, which, conveniently enough is the route by which our  Scooby Gang is planning its rescue.

“I mean, seriously April, how could Stefan be a vampire, when he doesn’t even sparkle like that Twilight guy?“

Hovering over a still unconscious Damon, Elena sees an explosion go off at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and becomes restless to save her baby bro.  She tells Damon that even though she is a week-old vampire, she should TOTALLY be able to take on a supernaturally-endowed Vampire Hunter who has already beaten the crap out of multiple hybrids, not to mention, Damon, himself!

Damon, who’s strong desire to get into Elena’s vampire pants, seems to have clouded his judgment a bit this week, says “Sure!  Go ahead.  Put yourself in harms way, and battle the murderous psychopath, who already almost killed you with werewolf venom, once.  No problem!”

“Doh!  Must . . . stop . . . thinking  . . . with . . . weiner . . .”

By the time Elena arrives at the Only Bar . . . etc. a hostage standoff is already in progress.  Stefan is trying to convince Connor to “turn himself in” so that he can “learn his backstory from Klaus.”  Elena overhears this, and is furious.  She enters, pleading for Jeremy’s life, and, when that fails, vamps out on the vampire hunter’s ass.

Elena gets so invested in her own fighting skills, she fails to notice that (1) Connor has shot Jeremy; and (2) Stefan took Connor out of the room five minutes ago.  Elena has been fighting with herself the whole time.  HAHA!

*texts writers, instructing them to kill off the mean, snarky, TV Recapper within three episodes”

While curing her brother with her vampire blood, Elena learns about Jeremy’s recent Nude Art Escapades with Connor, and how Stefan compelled him to forget it all.  Furious, Elena heads out in pursuit of the Guy-Who-Almost-But-Didn’t-Quite-Kill-Her-Brother-Ex-Boyfriend-and-Some-Chick-Named-April . . .

Meanwhile, Damon meets Stefan in the tunnel for a little heart-to-heart . . . and by heart-to-heart, I mean, Damon grabs a hold of Stefan’s heart inside his chest, and starts wiggling his hand around, while the two engage in conversation.  Stefan thinks to himself, “Hey, that tickles!”

He also thinks to himself, “Now would probably be a good time to tell Damon about the whole “Cure for Elena’s Vampirism” thing.

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This convinces Damon to give Stefan back his heart.  But it would have convinced me to PULL IT OUT!  I’d be so pissed off, if I were Damon.  I’d be bashing Stefan’s heart with a sledgehammer, while screaming at the top of my lungs.  “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.  IF YOU DIDN’T DO THIS, WE COULD HAVE SKIPPED OVER NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE ENTIRELY, AND GONE STRAIGHT TO THE MISS MYSTIC FALLS ONE!  I WANT TO GET MY DANCE ON, DAMMIT!”

Oh, and I almost forgot . . . Elena killed Connor.  . .

That’s right . . . first she bit him, than she broke his neck, then she tried to bury him, with his dried blood still caked across her mouth.

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Honestly, I’ll never understand that.  What exactly do vampires have against napkins?

“Don’t worry.  This isn’t blood.  I’m just really bad at putting on lipstick.”

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Damon and Stefan find a very distraught Elena in the woods, and silently marvel at her uncanny ability to screw up all Scooby Gang plans, even the ones she isn’t aware exist.  They decide not to tell her about the whole “cure for vampirism” thing.  You know, because keeping secrets from one another has served the SO well, in the past . . .

DAMON:  “Hey Stefan, you have a little something on your shirt.”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, and whose fault is that, ASSHOLE?”

In other “secrets” news, Mini Gilbert’s got a bitchin’ new tattoo!  I guess Connor was right, when he said, once he dies someone new will take his place.  And we all know how much fun Jeremy had wacking off the noggin of that hybrid, last season, right?  He’ll complete the Magic Maze in no time!

“Why do I have this sudden urge to murder my sister?”

Oh, and Jeremy also gave April Young his vervain bracelet, to keep her brain from turning into cottage cheese, as a result of all of that compulsion.  (You might remember it as the bracelet Jeremy received from Anna back in Season 1.  This only serves to remind me of how much cooler Anna was than April.  *sigh*)

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Apparently, hunters who descend from The Five are immune to compulsion anyway, so he won’t be needing it anymore.  Still, it’s a pretty significant sacrifice to make for a guest star, who will probably be dead in three episodes, anyway.  Then again, I guess, once she dies, you can take back the bracelet, Jer Bear.

In which Damon Salvatore loves Elena Gilbert just the way she is . . . even though she forgets to wipe her mouth, after she eats

In what was probably my second favorite scene in the episode (the first, obviously being the Delena Straddle Sex one), Damon agrees to help Stefan continue to search for the cure for Elena’s vampirism.  During their conversation, Stefan admits to being not all that crazy about the fanger Elena is becoming.

To which, Damon gallantly responds . . .

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Who would have thought the nefarious Damon we met back in early Season 1 would end up being the Salvatore brother more capable of unconditional love?

As I mentioned earlier, I find it hard to believe, and a bit disconcerting, that Elena has been a vampire for only about a week, and already Stefan is complaining that he “doesn’t recognize her.”  Really?  Because, aside from the occasional vamp out, she doesn’t seem all that different to me.  In fact, I kind of wish the writers would be bold enough to explore her darkside more, not less . . .

If there was ever any doubt in my mind that Stefan idealized and put Human Elena on a pedestal, it’s gone now . . .

Speaking of gone, it appears that Elena’s mind is taking a little detour.  In the final scene of the episode, she envisions her bathroom bathed in blood, and the word “Killer” etched on her bathroom mirror.

Is this merely a psychological manifestation of the guilt Elena feels over her first kill?  Has she accidentally stepped into a straight-to-video version of the I Know What you did Last Summer film franchise?

Or, is something more sinister afoot.

Tune in next week to find out.  Until then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Stake, Rattle and Roll – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Rager”

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Umm, Elena.  This may not be the best time to tell you this, but . . . you have a little something on your face.

Howdy, Fangbangers!  This week, on TVD, Elena got some lessons in Vampire Anger Management from . . . This Guy?

She also took the most ridiculously uncool-looking motorcycle ride since this moviecame out, back in 2007 . . .

Also this week, Rebekah did her best impersonation of what Regina George from Mean Girls would act like, if Regina George from Mean Girls was a vampire . . .

While Damon opted instead for a little Vampire Magic Mike action . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Because in Mystic Falls, the Dentist makes house calls . . .

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“OK, now open your mouth and say AHHHHHHHHHH!“

Of all the spooky things that happen on this show, I’d have to say the most terrifying of them all aside from Elena’s massive Blood Puke Fest, last week was that time when Vampire Hunter Connor performed some impromptu dental work on Hybrid Tyler.  Because, let’s face it.  Dentists are way scarier than any vampire, werewolf or witch, I’ve ever seen . . .

It all started with Tyler snoozing at the hospital, recovering from his not-so-much-there-anymore bullet wound . . .

Poor Tyler!  It’s so hard to find good help these days.  You would think that with all the money Mommy spent on her son’s hospital bodyguard, he’d be smart enough not to leave his post and WANDER DOWN THE HALL, just because he “heard a sound.”

I mean, come on!  If that’s not the oldest trick in the book, I don’t know what is . . .

The good news is supernatural Tyler was more than equipped to battle his intruder.  The bad news?  He had to do it while wearing a dress . . .

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“Let’s dance!  One-two-cha-cha-cha.  Three-four-cha-cha-cha.”

I’m going to go ahead and give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, by saying that his inconvenient “battle attire” was at least partially to blame for his getting his ass handed to him by a guy whose idea of a good time is carving pictures into bullets for fun.  Of course, that whole “being injected with a paralytic” thing didn’t help either . . . Oh, then this happened . . .

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“Hey, you know, since you’re already in there, would you mind checking out this cavity I have on my left molar?“

So, it turns out, Connor didn’t want to clean Tyler’s teeth at all!  He was just using him for his vampire-killing werewolf venom!  HOW RUDE!

“You owe me, Bro!  I don’t give up my spit to just anybody!  That sh*t’s sacred!”

Tyler returned home to his Mommy’s house,  only to learn that Klaus and his band of Merry Mute Hot Hybrids had come to crash at his pad for a few days . . .

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“Hey Tyler.  I’ve decided to use your home as the photo-shoot site for my Sexy Supernaturals of 2013 Calendar.  Meet Mr. January and Mr. March.”

I kid!  Actually, Klaus hired these soon-to-be-dead extras to protect Tyler – his special snowflake of a hybrid.

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After all, now that former Bloodbag Elena is immortal, Klaus’ sex slaves magical creations are kind of an “endangered species.”  Without them, Klaus might be forced to hire boring humans to kiss his ass for him, like regular rich people do.  Perish the thought!

I don’t know, Klaus.  Putting all your precious hybrids under one roof doesn’t seem like such a good idea to me.  For one thing, the entire species has just become one “gas leak” away from extinction.  Hasn’t the Anti-Vampire Council taught you anything?

Not to mention the fact that Vampire Hunter Connor now has a convenient one-stop shop for all the werewolf spit he could possibly want.  But more on that later . . .

Damon Salvatore Stars in “Trailer Park Shenanigans”

When we first saw Damon this week, he was ragging on his little brother . .  .

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 . .  . while making empty threats to leave Mystic Falls for about the 28th time since the series began . . .  Oh Damon!  You aren’t fooling anybody.  We all know you can’t bear to leave The Elena for more than half an episode . . .

Anywhoo, Damon heads over to the scummy-looking trailer where Vampire Hunter Connor is currently residing.  And, perhaps this is just me, but I thought it looked suspiciously similar to the scummy-looking trailer where those lame werewolves put down stakes, back in Season 2.  Perhaps, all of Mystic Falls’ Big Bads engage in some kind of a carpooling / timeshare system?

“It’s because none of us ever live long enough to sign a long-term lease.”

So, Damon was chilling in this trailer (though, I’m not quite sure how he got in, as he was clearly never invited), perusing some purloined love letters from the late Pastor Young, when all the sudden, this happened . . .

Don’t you just hate it, when you’re trespassing in your enemy’s house, and you find yourself stabbed with an arrow attached to a bomb that’s triggered to go off, if you move a muscle?  I know I do!  Fortunately, Damon was used to this . . .

Ahhh . . . sweet foreplay.

And promptly decided to phone his lady friend for help . . .

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It was just another day at the office for Dr. Meri-Death Fell, who promptly extracted the offending bomb-arrow-contraption from our hero’s pelvis, while offering him some sage advice about the importance of “brotherly love.”  Damn, when I go to the doctor, I’m lucky if I get a 15 cent lollipop along with my bill!

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That’s right, folks.  Much like a certain Vampire Rose, Meredith Fell is one of those characters I initially hated, who came to earn my grudging respect by admitting that she is on Team Delena.

I mean, really.  How could I possibly hate a character who tells Damon he’s the better brother, because he’s out actually protecting Elena from evil vampire hunters, while Saint Stefan is busy carting her around to poison keggers, and taking her on stupid motorcycle rides?

Speaking of Elena and Stefan . . .

Back-alley wrist sucking, and bathroom catfights

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Well . . . that’s one way of checking if your pencil is sharp enough . . .

Like many enterprising high school students, Elena’s day began with a healthy breakfast . . .

So beefy!

How far the mighty hath fallen, Matt.  You used to make out with girls like Elena behind the school.  Now, the best you can hope for is that they offer you a bandaid, after they’ve sucked the marrow out of your wrist . . .

“Try to eat less garlic for dinner.  My hot vampire boyfriends, who I actually make out with, have been complaining about my breath.”

Over in The-History-Class-That-Used-to-Be-Taught-By-Alaric-Saltzman-But-Is-Now-Taught-By-a-Blind-Teacher-Who’s-Oblivious-to-the-Fact-That-Her-Students-Occasionally-Stab-Eachother-with-Pencils, Rebekah and Elena exchanged some harsh words with one another.

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It seems that Elena doesn’t like Rebekah, because Rebekah (1) killed Alcoholic Surrogate Dad, (2) kind of /sort of killed Elena, (3) almost killed Elena’s bloodbag, Matt, and (4) used to bone both of Elena’s boyfriends, Damon and Stefan.

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In turn, Rebekah doesn’t like Elena, because . . . well . . . everyone else in Mystic Falls loooooves Elena, and it totally pisses Rebekah off.

It didn’t take long for Rebekah and Elena to start cat fighting with one another, using one bloody pencil as a shared weapon between them.  Meanwhile, useless Stefan, not wanting to “get involved,” sat idly by, clearly turned on by the spectacle, and obviously imagining that the two hot vampettes were fighting over him . . .

Did I mention that Vampire Hunter Connor — who seems to have no gainful employment, and therefore, can spend all his time designing pretty bullets, booby trapping his trailer, and lurking around high schoolers like the pedophile we all know him secretly to be — was conveniently at Mystic Falls High that day?  Though Connor’s initial reason for showing up at the school was to hit on “recruit” latent-vampire hunter Jeremy, who he noticed was totally checking out his super-secret tattoos, last week, at the Only-Bar-Social-Establishment-in-Mystic-Falls . . .

. . . the sexy bald man’s presence at Mystic Falls High School actually ended up being beneficial to multiple parties.  First, there was Rebekah, who devised a rather clever plan to out the newbie vamp in front of her would-be killer, by preparing her a surprise mid-morning snack . . .

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Don’t do it, Elena.  Eating in the bathroom is SUPER unsanitary . . .

Fortunately, Elena — who, let’s face it, is probably used to going hungry often, given her penchant for model thinness — managed to control her inner cannibal.  And our “SAG card winning” (three lines is all it takes!) student extra got to live another day . . .

Another unintended beneficiary of Connor’s presence was Matt, who, in a moment of rare genius, outed the much-despised Rebekah as a vamp, when asked about the source of his “arm hickeys.”  Did I mention that Rebekah was planning to have a big keg party that night at her new home?  Ruh-roh, Klaus Barbie fans . . . I smell trouble!

BEER BAD!

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So, you know how, at the beginning of the episode, Connor sucked spit out of Tyler’s mouth (it’s not as sexy as it sounds) for no seemingly discernible reason?  Well, it turns out he can use it to spike the keg supply at Rebekah’s party, thereby murdering all Mystic Falls Teen Vamps with one proverbial red solo cup!  Pretty ingenious, right?

Except, here’s the thing . . . I mean, the guy took, what, two tablespoons, three tablespoons of saliva TOPS from Tyler’s mouth?  And that’s supposed to saturate an entire keg?  That must be some seriously powerful mouth goo!

“Even my spit is awesome . . .”

So, of course, the big question becomes, will any of OUR favorite vamps drink the poison beer?

Because if that’s not a PSA against underage drinking, I don’t know what is!

But first, our Scooby Gang had to get to the party.  And Elena, for one, was not about to attend her nemeses’ soiree empty handed.  She planned on partying with a big stick in her hand . . . Damon’s big stick, of course. 😉

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Again, special thanks to Connor for bloodying up Damon, thereby giving our favorite Salvatore an excuse to “get out of those DIRRRTY clothes,” right when Elena was stopping by to rifle through Damon’s underwear drawer for that . . white oak stake.

Yeah, whatever, Elena.  You can claim all you want that you came over to Damon’s house just to “kill Rebekah” with that “magical Original-killing stake,” but we all know the only hard pointy object you were really interested in lies right between Damon’s legs . . .

Speaking of couples that I ship more than Stelena, did you all get a load of the intense connection / sweet chemistry between Baby Vamp Caroline and Daddy Vamp, Stefan, this week?

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Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m still a card-carrying Forwood fan.  But there’s just something about the easy-going, natural, and non-judgmental way in which Stefan and Caroline relate to one another, that makes Stefan seem so much more relatable than he is when he’s worshiping at the altar of and/or stern father figuring Elena . . .

Though it’s not something I see as being an “endgame,” I definitely wouldn’t mind the writers delving a bit further into the Steroline relationship, this season .  . .

But since I mentioned Tyler, I should add that our baby hybrid has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle.  And that pickle has a name: Hayley . . .

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Ever since Tyler’s convenient miraculous “breaking of the sire bond, off-screen” many fans have been wondering what, or, perhaps more accurately, whohe was doing, during those “lost months in the woods.”  Now, we know.

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OK.  Here’s the thing, even if we give Tyler the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he was a perfect gentleman, all through his time away from Caroline, we all know how intense werewolf-shifting can be for a couple of hot-blooded horny teens . . .

And, just like Stefan took some serious umbrage at the notion of Damon and Elena sharing blood  . . .

. . . I suspect that the naturally jealous Caroline will have some serious issues with the idea of Tyler shifting in front of another single lady.  And, of course, Klaus, who inadvertently found out about Hayley’s existence this week,  will undoubtedly use this situation to his advantage . . .

In short, I predict a lot of drawings of ponies from this guy, in the near future . . .

But back to the beer.  Rebekah was drinking like a fish, so we knew immediately that she’d be in for a rough night.

Hoity toity Stefan, on the other hand, shuns all cheap booze.  (Only the best for our Baby Salvatore!)  So, he was in the clear . . .

At first, Elena seemed like she might be safe, having offered her cup of brew to the Quirky! Adorable! April Young.  But then Big Bad Rebekah had to go and temporarily sunburn Elena, by dropping her sunscreen ring down the insinkerator.  Oops!

No one ruins Elena’s flawless complexion and gets away with it!  Elena was out for blood!  She grabbed her surrogate Damon Salvatore Penis white oak stake, and prepared to strike.  But then Jiminey Cricket the Vampire, a.k.a. Stefan informed Elena that killing an entire line of vampires, just because some b*tch jacked your ugly ring, would be a bit excessive.  So, Elena decided to do the next best thing . . . a keg stand?

“Mmmm poison Lockwood backwash mixed with Bud Light.  A tasty combination!”

It seemed like a kind of random move to me.  But it sure did piss off Rebekah.  So, mission accomplished, in that regard.  Also, it looked cool.  And Elena really needed those extra coolness points to make up for the ridiculousness of the scene that followed this one . .

“A whole new wooooooooorld . . . “

Ahhh young love (though, I guess, in this case, only half-young)!  It can be so freeing sometimes, can’t it?  It can make you feel immortal especially if you are actually immortal.  It can make you feel like you’re . . . wait for it . . .  “The King of the World.”

It can make you do stupid dorky things, like wear a funny-looking helmet on a motorcycle ride that is supposed to represent your new-found freedom from doing things like wearing funny-looking helmets . . .

“Yippppeeeeeeeee!”

“Woooohooooo!”

“Yeeeehawwwww!”

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I don’t know.  I just think there were plenty of less cringe-worthy ways to make the point that Elena was embracing her free-spirited vampire side.   For example, she could have gone bungee jumping, or cliff diving.  She could have . . . danced in her underwear with Damon Salvatore . . .

Instead, she did this.  And the whole time I was watching, I was secretly hoping that she would faceplant into a tree.  Yes, I’m aware that makes me a terrible person . . .

Speaking of Guilt . . .

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Dating Tips by Rebekah Mikaelson: “When the boy you like seems unwilling to give you his heart, take it for yourself.  He probably wasn’t using it, anyway.“

Delirious from the werewolf venom that was just starting to make it’s way through their respective bloodstreams, both Rebekah and Elena were forced to face the darkest sides of their true nature.  For Rebekah, this meant hearing the boy she had grown to admire most, tell her she was juvenile, pathetic, and undeserving of love.  So, she did what any girl would do in that situation.  She ripped out his heart . . . literally . . .

Don’t worry, Matt lovers.  It was just a dream . . . for now . . .

As for Elena, during sex with Stefan, she also did what any girl would do in her situation . . . She imagined she was boning Damon.

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The writers implied that this hallucination was meant to represent Elena’s belief that her vampire style was more akin to that of the fun-loving, morally loose, murderer-in-moderation, Damon, than to the all-or-nothing, Jekyll and Hyde, Puritan/Ripper Stefan.

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But, personally, I prefer to think that Elena got a nice long glimpse of Damon’s “white oak stake” earlier in the day, and decided that she wanted MORE, MORE, MORE . . .

Speaking of Damon . . .

Badass Bromances and Who the F*&k are The Five . . .

With the help of Jeremy, who used Connor’s “interest” in him to lure the vampire hunter to the hospital, under the guise of catching Damon Salvatore . . .

And Damon would know . . .

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  . . . Damon, and, surprisingly enough, Klaus, banded together to ensnare vampire hunter Connor in a trap that was remarkably similar to the one Connor caught Damon with earlier.  (Payback is a b*tch.)

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With Connor caught in their crosshairs, Klaus and Damon took this time to flirt with one another, as former enemies turned bromantic buddies will inevitably due . . .

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Of course, all this flirting and trash talking leads to the inadvertent exposure of some intriguing information about Connor.  According to Klaus, his tattoos, along with the markings on his bullets designate him as more than just your garden-variety Alaric Saltzman type vampire hunter.  Rather, Connor (and possibly Jeremy) is one of the elusive “Five,” a group of supernatural vampires that . . . I suspect . . . might have the ability to revert vampires back into their mortal form.

Aha, TVD . . . I see what you are doing here, you sly devils you . . .

Unfortunately, before my suspicions can be confirmed, Connor and foes trigger the bomb and the room goes kablooey, taking Connor right along with it into oblivion . . . or does it?

In which Klaus saves EVERYONE, and Damon saves . . . Matt?

Like many of you viewers, I found it amusing that, after all that has happened, Stefan still has Klaus on speed dial, and willingly cell phone stalked him, when Elena needed the Original Hybrid’s blood to cure her werewolf poisoning.  Of course, as we all know by now, Klaus never does anything without a clear and calculated reason, and his rescue of vampire non-bloodbag, Elena is no different.  In a surprise scene at the end of the episode, we find out that Klaus has also saved Connor.

Could it be that Klaus has plans to use Connor to turn Elena back into a human, so that he can use her blood to create more hybrids?  Only time will tell . . .

Speaking of bloodbags, we find a newly healthy Elena chowing down on Matt’s arm again, just as she did earlier in the episode.  Except this time around she’s . . . wait for it . . .

Of all the people in Matt’s world, Elena was probably the last person he thought would almost kill him.  And yet, almost kill him, Elena does, putting Blood bag boy’s life in danger, for about the 80th time this season . . .

Then, in a complete reversal of the scene from the pilot, in which minutes-old vampire Elena rescued Matt from a furious-Damon, the Elder Salvatore holds back the ravenous Elena from finishing off her quarterback jock chew toy . . .

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Just as Stefan seemed the perfect person to teach the naturally impulsive baby vamp Caroline to control her vampire urges, by helping her go cold turkey from them, until she could cope with them more naturally, so too does Damon’s method of bloodsucking-in-moderation seem well-suited to Elena’s more even-keeled, laid-back temperament.  Once again, I was touched by how gentle, and non-judgmental Damon was with Elena, reminding her that her vampire impulses were not shameful, and promising her that he could help her control them in a way that would still enable her to enjoy her un-death . . .

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This, of course, leads us right in to the positively Fangtastic-looking promos for next week’s episode, which I would like to hereby lovingly entitle: The Delena LOVE AND SEX Buffet .  . . See for yourself . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]