GAME OF THRONES: The Khaleesi Strikes Back (Recap: S7: Ep 4)

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

It is most definitely “No more Ms. Nice Mother of Dragons” this week, as Dany pours a heaping helping of hellfire mixed with Sweet Revenge on an unsuspecting Lannister army. (Meanwhile, somewhere in Heaven, Lady Olenna is performing the Best Endzone Dance ever to be completed by a 70-something year old Queen who has excellent taste in hats.)

Also this week, Davos calls out Jon for staring at Dany’s inflammable boobies. Arya returns to Winterfell to show off all the skills she learned at Burgerless White Castle that don’t involving wearing her castmates’ faces for funsies. While Bran (or, as I’ve decided to call him for the remainder of the series BranBot3000) continues on his quest to creep out every character on this show who hasn’t been brutally murdered yet. (And they say Arya is the only Stark with a List!)

Whether you saw this episode earlier this week as a result of The Big Bad Leak, and are watching again because you really wanted to see some Lannister soldiers get their faces burned off in HD. Or, you are “Unsullied,” like me, and are just watching for the first time, let’s review, shall we?

Well, that’s one way to clear a room . . .

Get Money

Somewhere between Highgarden and Kings Landing, Jaime and his army are amassing the Spoils of War, (Hey, that’s the title of this episode!) namely, some wheat plus a sh*tload of gold, and preparing to bring it back home to Cersei. Now, the Evil Queen can pay her debt to the Iron Bank, as Lannisters tend to do. (Apparently, Highgarden was super rich. How else could Lady Olenna afford all those cool hats?)

Bronn, being the wise and upwardly mobile employee that he is, sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask Jaime for a raise and a promotion! Bronn wants a Castle dammit, preferably Highgarden, because he’s been itching to start a hat collection of his own. Unfortunately for Bronn, Jamie is still a bit salty over the revelation that Lady Olenna killed Joffrey, and blamed Tyrion and Sansa for it.  Thus, he is not in a particularly generous mood.

Hey, that reminds me: I think this would be a great time to relive Joffrey’s death. Don’t you?

Never . . . ever . . . gets . . .old.

Jamie and Bronn make some small talk with Sam Tarley’s douchey daddy and kind of hot brother, Dickon, whose name Jamie can’t seem to remember, which is weird because how does one forget a name as unfortunate as Dick-on? (My apologies to all you Dickons out there. But hey, it could be worse. You could have a name that sounds suspiciously like a homophone for Urine.)

Wow, it just occurred to me that I’ve effectively pissed off everyone in the world who bears these two names in a single paragraph. Moving on . . . (but not dick-on).

The Creepiest Creeper That Ever Did Creep

Step aside, creepy kids from The Sixth Sense, The Ring and pretty much Every Japanese Horror Film Ever Made. You just got served.

Meanwhile, back at Winterfell, Littlefinger and Branbot3000 are having a battle to see who can creep out the other person more. Littlefinger makes a valiant first attempt by giving Branbot3000 the dagger that was used in his attempted murder, and telling him that he wishes he could give him the one that succeeded in killing his mother too. (Ummm, thanks?)

Branbot3000 sees Littlefinger’s creepy gift and raises him a, “Hey, remember that random monologue about Chaos being a Ladder you made back in Season 1, when I was halfway across the country with absolutely no logical way of hearing it? Well, I downloaded it into my mind and will repeat it back to you, just because I can.”

Game Set Match, Branbot3000! For the second week in a row, you are officially creepier than Littlefinger.

No more smirking, Littlefinger. Smirks are for closers!

You see, the thing about BranBot3000 is that he’s kind of become like a search engine. He has all this really helpful information stored inside him, but he’s not going to share it with you, unless you ask nicely. And when I say BranBot3000 is like a search engine, I don’t mean he’s a “cool,” sleek image-filled, user-friendly, search engine, like Google or even Bing. I’m talking about an annoying, stodgy, provides you with a lot of meaningless information, while still making you feel dumb, search engine. In short, BranBot3000 is basically Ask Jeeves.

Never heard of Ask Jeeves, you say? Well, congratulations on not being old.

In other BranBot3000 news, Meera has stopped by to congratulate him on his new wheelchair, and tell him that she’s heading home to be with her family. And how does BranBot3000 respond to the woman who literally dragged his ass across five seasons of storylines, while risking her life for him countless times? “Girl bye,” he says basically.

Apparently, when uploading the world’s knowledge into BranBot3000’s brain, someone forgot to install things like “emotions” and a “personality.” The good news is that after two years, you can upgrade to BranBot4000 for the super affordable price of $27.99 a month, and the newer model will maybe / possibly have one of those two things!

Arya Stark: Better Than You

In warmer / friendlier Stark news, Arya has finally reached the gates of Winterfell. There, for the second time in this series, the Girl Formerly Referred to as No One is having a wee bit of trouble getting some guards to respond to her claims of, “Do you know who I am? I am one of the stars of the Game of Mother F*&king Thrones! I literally own this place! LET ME IN!”

(In the guards’ defense, they same more like the kind of dudes who watch Candy Crush on Sunday nights at 9.)

Arya quickly gives these guards a slip, and reunites with her sister Sansa in the crypt beneath their home. Together the sisters reminisce about their father, and worry that no one alive remembers him anymore. This sort of talk bums the girls out, so they change to a lighter topic: JOFFREY’S DEATH!

The gift that keeps on giving . . .

It’s a quiet, and somewhat emotionally muted, but still authentic feeling, and genuinely sweet scene between two sisters, who didn’t always see eye to eye, and largely grew up apart from one another, but still obviously love each other dearly. Sansa then reluctantly brings Arya out to the Scary Face Tree to reunite with BranBot3000, because it’s her turn to be creeped out by him.

BranBot3000’s reunion with Arya goes a bit better than the one with Sansa, mainly because the former doesn’t tell Arya how hot she looked just moments before she was raped. Instead, BranBot3000 muses about Arya’s List of People to Kill, and about her decision to come to Winterfell instead of heading straight to Kings Landing to kill Cersei.

BranBot3000 then gives Arya the creepy dagger Littlefinger gave him earlier in the episode. And it’s a surprisingly thoughtful gift on BranBot3000’s part, because, really, who better to give a dagger than a pint-sized serial killer? In fact, I think I may have BranBot3000 help me with my holiday shopping this year.

Arya then reunites with Brienne, who is humbly grateful that she was indirectly able to keep her promise to Catelyn, by ensuring that both Stark sisters be returned to Winterfell safe and sound. They are clearly kindred spirits, these two warrior women. So, of course, they have to reconnect by beating the crap out of one another in a duel..

The pair are fairly evenly matched, in this sense, with Arya having a slight competitive edge, due to her time spent training with Mr. Miyagi and the Karate Kid in the Burgerless White Castle.

“Who taught you to fight like that?” Brienne asks Arya after the battle ends in a draw.

She is clearly impressed.

“No One,” Arya responds coolly.

No One, indeed . . .

What Happens in Caves Stays in Caves . . .

Speaking of dark places where unspeakable things happen, Jon has taken Dany into the cave in Dragonstone, where he is about to mine the dragon glass to use for weapons against the White Walkers. And we all know what kind of trouble Jon likes to get into in caves!

In the caves,Jon is super smooth, finding subtle ways to hold and gently touch Dany, as he leads her through the darkened corridors. (You can almost forget that these two are secretly related to one another . . . almost.)

Jon shows Dany cave paintings made by the Children of the Forest, which indicate that the Children fought side by side with Man back in the day, in order to defeat the White Walkers. Jon’s illustration is two fold: first, it’s more proof to Dany of the White Walkers’ existence; second, it shows how two opposing parties can join forces to support a common goal.

It’s a pretty persuasive tactic on Jon’s part. And, man, Davos must have stayed up all night etching those cave drawings in preparation for it. (I KID! I KID!)

Dany does seem a bit swayed by Jon’s presentation, and finally agrees to help Jon fight the White Walkers . . . if he bends the knee. Like Mance Rayder and the Wildings before him, Jon finds himself in a position of potentially letting down those who have put their trust in him, in exchange for ensuring their safety. Will he do it?

Davos certainly thinks so! The Onion Knight wastes no time calling out Jon for staring way to long at Dany’s “good heart,” you know, the one conveniently positioned behind one of her inflammable boobies. But Jon insists he doesn’t have time for such incestual romantic nonsense, not when the White Walkers are literally beating down his doorstep!

Oh Jon, you can lie to yourself all you want. But The Cave knows all your secrets!

Upon emerging from their cave tryst, Dany is met by Tyrion and Varys, who are there to break the bad news to Dany about what happened at Highgarden last week. Dany is furious. She chastens herself for playing it safe up to this point, and not attacking the Red Keep in the first place, like she initially wanted to do. She even lashes out at Tyrion, accusing him of manipulating her, in order to keep his family out of harms way.

Jon warns Dany not to act too hastily, out of fear she may end up being viewed as a despot by her people, like her father, the Mad King. But Dany can’t help but remember the parting words of her old friend Lady Olenna, “Be a Dragon.”

She knows what she has to do . . .

In Which Theon Tries To Ring Dany and is Sent Directly to Voicemail . . .

Toward the end of the episode, Wimpy Theon returns to Dragonstone, in the hope that he can get Dany to help him retrieve his sister from the clutches of Evil Queen Cersei. Jon meets him there, and almost kicks his ass, but refrains from doing so, due to Theon’s having saved Sansa not long ago.

“So, you’ll let me see Dany then?” Theon asks hopefully.

And maybe Jon would let Theon see Dany . . . if she was still there.

Drogon’s Revenge!

Back in that grassy knoll between High Garden and Kings Landing, a strange rumbling can be heard in the distance. Unfortunately, for Jamie’s army, it’s not Bronn’s stomach.

Seemingly out of nowhere appears a hoard of Dothraki Screamers. And these guys are no joke! They are as wild as Jamie’s army are regimented, as impulsive as the Lannisters are calculating. And they literally pierce through Jamie’s army like it’s their job (because it is). Somewhere up in Heaven Khal Drogo has just joined Lady Olenna in her end zone dance, because his men are definitely making him proud.

Unfortunately, the Dothraki Screamers are about to become the least of Jamie’s problems when, out of the sky flies Dany on Drogon’s back. “Dracarys,” the Mother of Dragon’s commands her largest and most loyal child.

Instantly, fire shoots from Drogon’s mouth, literally decimating about ¾’s of Jaime’s army to ash in a single burp. Faces melt. Flesh turns to bone, and then to ash. Samwell Tarley’s dad meets a particularly gruesome end. It’s disgusting and awesome at the same time.

Those men who manage to survive the flames continue to get systematically killed by the Dothraki Screamers, who, themselves, seem as oddly impervious to flame as Dany’s boobs. Jamie almost gets murdered by one of these wild naked men, only to be rescued by Dickon Tarly. Maybe now Jamie will finally remember the poor guy’s name!

After he is nearly gored, Jamie finally remembers that Dragon Killing Machine we saw Cersei playing with a couple of episodes back. He tells Bran to go fetch it. We then get to see the Dragon Killing Machine used for the first time on Drogon. And it seems to work! After a false start, Bronn finally manages to put a massive wound into Drogon’s belly.

This causes the dragon to flip over and nearly fall from the sky, but not before he burns the Dragon Killing Machine to smithereens with his hot breath. (Cersei probably should have made that weapon flame retardant, just saying.)

The end of the episode sees Drogon down, and Dany grounded, as she quickly tries to tend to her favorite child’s wound. Jamie sees this as an opportunity to play hero, and charges at the pair on his horses, sword aloft.

“Flee, you idiot,” Tyrion shouts from on a nearby hill, his loyalties now clearly torn (Where the heck did he come from? How did he get there?).

But Jamie doesn’t flee, and Drogon turns to “Dracarys” all over that beautiful Lannister face.

But then, just when it seems like Drogon will have Charred Jamie Steak for dinner, someone (Bronn? Dickon? Ed Sheeran?) shields Jamie’s body with his own, and the two tumble together into the nearby water. Safe and alive, for now . . . but for how long?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s Bronn . . . Good looking out, Bronn! You may get that promotion after all!

And that was “The Spoils of War,” in a nutshell folks. Pretty cool, huh?

Fangirls Fall Guide to 2016: Television Edition

(Cross posted at Imaginary Men.Net)

In Amy H. Johnson’s honest, funny and inspiring debut memoir “The Fangirl Files: True Tales and Tips from the Fandom Frontlines,” she embraces fangirling, not just a hobby, but as a way of life.  Whether it’s a favorite band, a beloved book series, an admired actor, or an adored television show, fangirling is a way we define ourselves.  We fangirl both to stand out from a crowd, and to connect with an entire world of people who share similar interests, in ways we never dreamed possible even a decade ago.  Through Fangirling, Amy, like many of us, found solace and comfort, excitement and adventure, independence and self-reliance and a loving extended network of like-minded, who can turn to, not just to discuss the latest Killers album, but to share in all the ups and downs life has to offer.

Throughout “The Fangirl Files” Amy details her life from childhood, through adolescence into adulthood, using the various fandoms with which she associated as milestones along her thrilling journey. And this, of course, may lead you to wonder, what is Amy fangirling about now, in the Fall of 2016?

With the help of her fellow Fangirl friend (Me, Julie, naturally), Amy will share with us the things that get her all excited and fangirly right now.

I’ll play as well, because, why not? I’m a Fangirl too, after all.

Coming up we’ll discuss a few of our favorite things in 2016 from a wide variety of pop culture topics including television, movies, music, apps, podcasts, columns, and books. And you can weigh in on whether you agree with us, think we are totally nuts, or have your own recommendations. Because that’s what true fangirling is about, after all . . . . sharing our passion, expanding our horizons, and bonding over the things we all love. Also, let’s be honest, it’s about the cute boys . . . because who doesn’t love those?

Amy’s TV Picks

What I’m watching:

I have been binging on season four of The Americans. Perhaps “binging” isn’t the right word as sometimes an episode is so stressful it takes me days before I feel emotionally ready to watch the next one! I often wonder why this show has never had the same sort of pop culture fixation as other “prestige dramas” like Mad Men or Breaking Bad. It is also filled with conflicted anti-heroes and heroines and is intense, brilliant, suspenseful, heartbreaking and superbly acted (if you ever thought, “Awww, Felicity Porter is so adorable!” Keri Russell will kick the living sh*t out of your memory of her previous incarnation). Plot lines are artfully woven through multiple seasons so things that happened two seasons ago come back to haunt the characters. Under the layers of spy intrigue and danger is the story of a family trying to stay together through the mundane tasks of every day life, and the high stakes secret world of espionage. And it always bears repeating, “POOR MARTHA!” Watch it: Amazon, iTunes.

What I can’t wait to watch:

I’m excited about season three of The Affair. This one is another under-the-radar show that critics and awarding bodies like but is also not part of the “Peak TV” conversation. I think that may be because it can contain some soap opera-y elements although I don’t think that detracts at all from the performances or really deep emotional places it goes to. It is another doozy of a show in terms of stressing me out but this one also makes me cry a lot because at the heart of it is the understanding that relationships­—with spouses, lovers, friends, parents, even enemies—are complex and often overwhelming. The first season featured the POV of the two characters having the affair Alison and Noah. Season two added the views of the spouses they cheated on, Cole and Helen. As we follow the frequently conflicting interpretations of what happened in each relationship, there’s also a central mystery unfolding known as, “Who Killed Scotty Lockhart.” Let me tell you, last season’s finale was a true Gasp-Out-Loud-What-Just-Happened-Holy-Sh*t! Kind of TV moment that made me miss a time when everyone watched TV shows at the same time so we could discuss them right afterwards. Of course the entire reason I even began watching this show was because of my Ultimate TV Boyfriend Joshua Jackson (Pacey 4eva!) who even got his own chapter in my book The Fangirl Files! Watch it: Showtime, November 20^th.

If you’d rather laugh:

Try Billy on the Street (Hulu), Parks and Recreation (Hulu, Netflix) or my latest binge, Very British Problems (Netflix).

Julie’s TV Picks

Stranger Things (Netflix)

Admittedly, I was a bit late to the party on this one, if only because I thought it would be too scary for my wimpy, fraidy cat, ass. (Also because I’d heard the ending involved a full-sized slug coming out of somebody’s mouth, which pretty much describes every nightmare I’ve had from the age of six until forever.) If you’re an eighties kid, you’ll love the overload of nostalgia you will inevitably feel for a simpler time, when “fun” for kids involved just riding bikes around town or playing an intense round of Dungeons and Dragons, two activities that involve NO TECHNOLOGY AT ALL. Not to mention the fact that the film is jammed packed with pop culture references from the time: movies (E.T., It, Nightmare on Elm Street), music (Hazy Shade of Winter, Waiting for a Girl Like You); even school supplies (Teen Heroine Nancy owned and promptly displayed her very own Trapper Keeper during the series).

Even those who don’t exactly remember the eighties will still find plenty to love in this super fun series that is filled with action adventure, mystery, humor, horror, plucky characters you will root for, and cheesy special effects that will make you giggle. But most of all, I think Stranger Things is about the enduring nature of childhood friendship. Because when you are eleven years old your best friends are your whole wide world. It’s a feeling you never quite get back, after you inevitably grow into the self-absorption of your teenage years . . . Watch it: Now on Netflix

The Night Of (HBO)

Based on the British series Criminal Justice, this HBO crime procedural / mystery follows Naz, a well-behaved, dutiful Pakistani college student, who gets invited to a party, meets a hot girl, has the best sex of his life, and then proceeds to have the WORST SIX MONTHS EVER! Though its Naz’s plight and the mystery of Who Killed Andrea, that will draw you into the series, you’ll stay for the harrowing portrait of our criminal justice system, and the pressure it puts on everyone from beat cops, to detectives, to district attorneys to judges to arrive at a conviction for violent crimes, even if it means ignoring exculpatory evidence, not to mention the picture it paints of our prison system. The Rikers Island of The Night Of makes the Litchfield of Orange is the New Black look like a trip to the mall.

Also there’s a really cute cat in the series. And I’m just a sucker for really cute cats… Watch it: HBO On Demand

This is Us (NBC)

A husband whose wife is about to give birth to triplets; a Hollywood heartthrob experiencing malaise over the trajectory of his career; an overweight woman struggling to take back control over her life in a society that often obsesses over appearances; a successful businessman who has just reconnected with the biological dad who abandoned him at a fire station 36 years earlier. These are four very different people, with vastly different stories; people who seem to have nothing in common with one another but the date of birth that they share . . . OR DO THEY?

From the first moment of the pilot, this series instantly had me hooked with its cast of likeable, not to mention super attractive characters, their relatable stories, and the unexpected twists the writers seem to enjoy slipping into the end of every episode. And touching . . . man is this show touching. Bring your hankies folks, because if you are in the right mood when you are watching this, you will be happy crying all over the damn place! Watch it: Tuesday nights on NBC.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Movies!

Game of Thrones: Please, Don’t Eat the Help! ( Recap S 6: Ep 2)

This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, while only feeling mildly guilty about doing it.

So, let’s do it, Westeros!

[A very special shout-out and thanks to my spectacular screencap provider / friend Andre. He alone has the power to make Jon Snow’s naked corpse-like torso shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!]

Bran-Tastic!

Bran’s back, you guys!

Wait! Don’t leave! It’s a good storyline, this time, I promise . . . well, I mean, it’s a slightly better storyline than the Uber Depressing, Nature Walks with the Permanently Disabled of seasons past!

So, Bran’s doing that thing he does, where his eyes get all milky, and he gets to see stuff through the mind of a bird, or a wolf, or a blade of grass or something. This time, he gets to be a flesh and blood real boy! Oh Pinocchio would be so proud!

Bran Stark . . . now with even more usable legs!

Bran’s LSD tripping travels this week take him back to his father’s childhood at Winterfell. Bran’s uncle is there! Also, Bran’s sassy dead aunt on his dad’s side, Lyanna (. . . not to be confused with his creepy dead aunt on his mom’s side, Lysa, who breast fed her kid until he was like 20, loved Littlefinger and got thrown to her death from something called a “moon door). P.S. Start using different letters than “L” and “M” to name your second-tier female characters, George R.R. Martin!

But Bran’s real find on his Virtual Reality for the Middle Ages journey is a then-fully communicative young Hodor. What happened to him to make him lose all his words? Did he fall off a very high horse and hit his head really hard? Did he experience something so traumatic that it robbed him of his capacity for speech? Did he watch the scenes of Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy one too many times?

The world may never know . . . or at least they won’t find out this week.

Fun-Fun with Wun-Wun

So, do you remember that scene from last season, when the Wildings are battling the White Walkers, and a real scary looking one latches itself onto the Giant, Wun-Wun’s neck, and Wun-Wun swats it off its body, like it’s nothing more than a pesky fly? Now, imagine what a guy like that could do with a troop of wimpy, non-magical power having, Jon Snow murdering, cowardly traitors?

For those of you (like me), who’ve been wondering how long it would be for Jon Snow’s allies, Davos and Edd, to seek the help of the Wildings in avenging the “death” of Jon Snow, you all got your wish this week! Just when it seems like Team #Dead Jon Snow (including Ghost) is a total goner, holed up in a small room with limited weapons and manpower, as Thorne’s Knights Watchmen gradually bash down the door that’s keeping them protected, in walk the Wildings, led by Wun-Wun and kickass Ginger Dude Tormund, to crash this party. (Jon’s ill-fated lady love, Ygritte, for sure would be loving this!)

“Kill those douche nozzles, Wun-Wun and Tormund. Kill them hard! Especially that little rodent, Ollie!”

As Wun-Wun starts boredly tossing those Knight’s Watch Weiners into the Castle Wall (Please toss that little sh*t Ollie! Please toss that little sh*t Ollie!), these men, who are supposedly ensuring the safety of Westeros, start running away like little b*tches, which, by the way, says very little about the “military of Westeros.” I don’t know about you guys, but I’d absolutely prefer Wun-Wun and the Wildings to watch over me at night, rather than these backstabbing losers . . .

Ultimately, the Wildings and those Knights Watchmen Still Loyal to Jon Snow gain the upper hand, and all the asshat Front-Stabbers of Jon Snow (including that little sh*t Ollie – YEAH!!!) get dragged away like the mangy dogs they are.

But who will lead this rag tag crew filled with men and one Giant, whose name rhymes with Fun-Fun? Davos has an idea . . .

“Sup Melissandre?” Asks Davos, later that evening.

Melissandre is wearing her necklace now. So, Davos is looking at her like she’s a late thirty something hot chick, as opposed to the Estelle Getty character from The Golden Girls. mixed with The Crypt Keeper that we all now know her to be.

“I’m sexy and I know it.”

“You seem like the kind of girl who does creepy things, like drink poison for sh*ts and giggles, and pull murderous black shadow babies out of your hoo-hah. Do you think you could maybe amorously wash the corpse of a definitely dead sexy man, until he comes back to life, and subsequently leads us all toward World Domination?”

“Maybe,” replies Melissandre, noncommittally.

Well . . . it isn’t a “no!”

F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t the Lannisters!

Jamie’s inspirational (not to mention aspirational . . . especially, considering the fact that Jamie may well never have actually f*&ked someone who “wasn’t a Lannister” before) comes into play, in earnest, this week, when The Mountain stomps around town murdering anyone who has the gall to speak ill of Cersei Lannister. He even kills the drunken lout, who unconvincingly brags to his friends about boning Cersei immediately after her naked walk of shame. (Because nothing makes you super horny, like utter humiliation, am I right ladies? *insert eyeroll here*)

Feminists come in all shapes and sizes . . .

And yet, all is not well in Kings Landing. For starters, King Tommen is not letting Cersei attend the private funeral viewing of her own daughter! (And we all remember how much fun Cersei had at the funeral viewing of her last dead kid!)

Speaking of funeral sex, Cersei’s lover Jamie is not fairing much better. His not-so-thinly veiled threats to murder the High Sparrow, for tearing apart his family and ruining its (well not exactly “good,” but not nearly as bad as, say, the Bolton’s, because they are the ABSOLUTE WORST) name, crashes and burns, when the High Sparrow brings all his fellow cult followers to the fight. And Jamie One Hand finds himself to be not so much of a match for them.

“Can’t we just get along and have sex on top of this corpse instead?”

In slightly better Lannister news, mother and son, Cersei and Tommen, eventually make amends with one another, when Tommen begs Cersei for help him to become a stronger ruler. Now, Cersei, herself, is far from someone I would call, the ideal queen. (I’d still vote for her over Donald Trump though.) But hey, if Cersei can get Tommen to do something on this show aside from play with his pussy, that would be a big help, plotline wise.

Pussy CAT . . . I mean . . . obviously, I meant his pussy cat. 😉

Dungeons and Dragons and Drunk Dwarves, Oh My!

A word of advice for any of you out there planning on adopting some pet dragons from your local animal shelter. Dragons don’t like being chained up! In fact, chaining up your dragons will give them a permanent case of the sads.

And you don’t want your pet dragons to be sad, do you? So, what if they eat you, the second they find themselves unharnessed? Isn’t it worth losing your head (which you weren’t using anyway) and other random body parts, for the love of fire-breathing reptiles?

With Mereen in utter turmoil and Dany nowhere to be found, Drunk Tyrion somehow gets the “amazing” idea to free Dany’s dragons, in the hope that this will make the recently conquered land appear more formidable to its enemies.

“The dragons will like me,” insists Tyrion, when questioned as to whether he’s the least bit worried that he is about to become dragon food, during his noble Free the Reptiles quest. “Everybody likes me. I’m small, and snarky, and I get all the best one-liners on the show!”

Tyrion sure seems confident enough, when he’s chatting with his fellow councilmen, but when he’s alone with the two not-so-baby dragons in the dark, with nothing but a small torch to protect him, it’s clear that the dwarf is beginning to doubt himself.

“I’m here to help you. Please don’t eat the help,” Tyrion pleads, as he gently removes the shackles from the first dragon.

And, wouldn’t you know it, the darn thing actually doesn’t eat Tyrion, when he has the chance!

But then something really amazing happens! The second dragon, actually bends his neck toward Tyrion to HELP the dwarf remove HIS shackles too. It’s a downright sweet, and almost loyal, puppy-like thing for a dragon to do.

Could this mean that the long-held fan theory that Tyrion has Targaryen blood is actually true? Or do dragons just really find drunk men the size of small children to be just as hilarious as the rest of us do?

Whatever the reason that the dragons are merciful to Tyrion, the deceptively courageous dwarf isn’t about to engage in a repeat performance anytime soon. “Next time I decide to do something like that, please punch me in the face,” the littlest Lannister insists to Varys, as he leaves the now-free dragons behind him.

 

Well, I’ll drink to that!

Burgers for the Blind Beggar

Another day, another beat-down for Blind Arya by that b*tchy red head who works with her at Burgerless White Castle. But this time, something different happens afterwards. Jaagen Hgar offers Arya food, a bed, and her sight back, but only if she reveals her “true name.”

“I have no name. I am nobody,” Arya continually insists, like the good little student / Possible Scientologist she has become. “Except, Tom Cruise. I might be him.”

“Well played, Arya Wan Kenobie, A++,” responds Jaagen. “For your efforts, come back to Burgerless White Castle with me for the night. I can’t feed you a burger, because we are burgerless, obviously. But I’ll feed you a dead rat, and some folks tell me that the two taste exactly the same.

Way to give up your originality for a Scooby Snack, Arya! Your brutally murdered parents must be so proud!

It’s a Dog Eat Baby World Out There!

Ramsey Bolton is bummed. Having been a bastard child all his life, he’s always been the Jan Brady of his frightening family.

But then he learns that his father’s wife has given him a legitimate male heir to the throne! This demotes Ramsey even further down the Bolton pedigree. Now, he’s no better than Cousin Friggin Oliver! And nobody likes a Cousin Oliver!

So Ramsey does what any vaguely ignored child would do in his situation . . . he brutally stabs his father in the gut, then feeds his step mother and brand new little half brother to hungry dogs.

“I prefer to be an only child,” explains Ramsey, in apparent justification for his unspeakable actions.

It’s the first thing this psychopath ever said with which I actually agreed . . . ONLY CHILDREN RULE!

Reek, No More! (Because you can shower in the snow!)

Sansa, Podrick and Brienne are headed to Castle Black, where they hope that Sansa’s half sibling, Jon Snow, will lend her protection from the Boltons’ murderous intents and generalized rapey grossness. Theon’s invited too, but he’s not coming. “I cannot make amends to your family for the things I’ve done,” he admits.

(Fortunately, for Theon, most of Sansa’s family has already been brutally murdered, so there isn’t really anybody left alive to judge him for his crimes.)

Nonetheless, Theon wishes to leave Sansa and Co., and, instead, return home to his own awful family who hates him so. But hey, at least the Greyjoys aren’t as bad as the Lannisters or the Boltons. Don’t get me wrong, GOTers, they are almost as bad, but only bad enough to receive the Bronze Medal of Despicability, not Silver or Gold.

The good thing about being a guy formerly known as Reek, and traveling to a water-logged town like the one of his birth, is that there are always a multitude of new and exciting places to shower. This means, you can always prevent yourself from smelling like a barnyard animal, when trying to charm the ladies, which is super important, if you ever want to get laid ever again, in spite of the whole “no cock and balls” thing . . .

The Bridge of Kerplop

Back at Theon’s birth home, Balon Greyjoy is being a dick to his daughter, as per usual. When he tires of doing that, he decides to go for a walk on the most poorly constructed bridge of all time, in the midst of what appears to be a pretty bad storm, since Greyjoys are SUPER SMART! It is there that his own brother unceremoniously tosses the old dude off the bridge into the watery depths, because, much like most of the characters on this show, Balon’s brother is a terrible person.

Then again, maybe he just wanted to prove the long-held rumor that really, really, ridiculously old men could fly?

You Know Nothing About Vampires and Zombies, Jon Snow!

Speaking of really, really ridiculously old people, Melissandre has agreed to help bring Jon Snow back from the dead. In about two seconds of screentime, we know exactly why! Apparently, in this world, “awaking the dead” involves flirtatiously wetting all their erogenous zones with a washcloth, and cutting their hair. Sounds like a blast to me!

Though, in all honesty, I can’t imagine how actor Kit Harrington managed to keep a straight “dead” face through it all. I mean, seriously could you imagine how many takes it would muster to complete that scene, if poor Kit were the least bit ticklish to the touch . . . or worse, if he got a Corpse Boner? Rigor Mortis anyone?

Anywhoo, when Melissandre is finished haphazardly bathing Dead Jon, and he still seems dead as a doornail (though cleaner and with a way better haircut than he’s had in four seasons) she dejectedly goes back to her room to take off her necklace and re-Golden Girl herself. Tormund, Davos and Edd stick around a bit longer, but, eventually they too give up hope that Dead Jon will come back to life as an evil zombie, who will murder them all in their sleep. So, they head to bed as well.

But then, Ghost, who has been rudely napping throughout this entire, vaguely pornographic, resurrection, abruptly awakens and stares at his human alter ego, Jon Snow. Could this mean that . . .?

Yep, it can! Seconds later, JON SNOW IS ALIVE and gasping for air. The only problem is that he’s super super pale. Do you think they have tanning beds over at Castle Black?

“I don’t know about you, but I could really go for some White Castle burgers right about now.”

Until next time, Westeros!

[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baptism – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Kissed by Fire”

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Birth.  It is a new beginning . . . a fresh start . . . a clean slate . . . a single, hopeful, spot on the blank canvas of life.  When we are born, each and every one of us is pure and perfect apart from the whole poopy diaper thing.  It’s a state of being that occurs just once in our lifetime.

Rebirth, on the other hand is messier, and happens many times, throughout the course of a human life.  In a sense, we are reborn, each time we have children, marry, begin a new job, move to a new place, start a new school year, awaken in the morning.  The reborn are smudged, impure, and imperfect, baring within them the scars and blemishes of lives past.  But also they are endlessly hopeful, that this time, finally, they will get it right . . .

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“Kissed by Fire,” this week’s wet and wild episode of Game of Thrones, was all about baptism.  Each of the show’s characters experienced a sort of rebirth, during the course of the hour, whether it be through a soul cleansing confession, the loss of one’s virginity, or a literal rising from the dead.  Oh yeah, and we also got to see a lot of naked butts.

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Let’s review, shall we?

Way to Go, Jon Snow!

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It seems Littlefinger’s Male Escort Service has another promising candidate in its midst.    A few week’s back, if you recall, Podrick had his menage-a-TERRIFIC with the lovely ladies of the Lannister castle.

And this week, Jon Snow showed admirable prowess with respect to “kissing.” It seems that virgin lotharios are becoming about as common in Westeros as . . . well . . . decapitated corpses.

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Perhaps, there is something in the water?

Anywhoo, after a tense moment between Jon and his fellow Wildings — during which he was asked to expose, not only his former Knight Watch Brother’s various whereabouts, but also how many of them are in each location — Ygritte decided to distract her former-captive-turned-love-interest with an old-fashioned game of Phallic Item Keep Away.

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The pair take turns stroking Jon Snow’s sword a bit, when they realize that they have “inadvertently” stumbled upon a little love nest, complete with its very own waterfall!  Welcome to the sex scene setting for Every Romance Novel Ever Written . . .

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Never one to be known for her subtlety, Ygritte gets naked faster than you can say, her trademark catchphrase: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

And then she says it . . . because Jon tries to get laid with his clothes on!  Silly boy (those animal furs are mighty hard to penetrate)!  Had they used those kind of prophylactic measures, the wildings would have gone extinct years ago!

Jon Snow may know nothing about the joys of unprotected sex.  But he sure is a pro at making his lips speak a language that only ladies can understand, if you catch my drift.

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From the looks of it, Ygritte is clearly impressed by Jon Snow’s “multilingual talents.”  She wonders where he’s learned this impressive pet trick, especially considering the fact that, with the exception of his mother and MUCH younger “stepsisters,” he’s spent predominately all of his young life in the company of exclusively men.  “I just wanted to kiss you there,” Jon Snow demurs (Because, clearly, someone has smuggled the DVD version of Cruel Intentions into the Wildings tents.

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Next thing you know, Snow will be whipping Ygritte up a batch of that “Special Tea from Long Island.”)

Then again, Ygritte doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who requires liquid encouragement to play the Game of Bones, where everybody is a winner, and uniforms are optional.  I mean, this girl wasn’t “kissed by fire,” for nothing.  Now, come on ladies, you didn’t think a cable channel like HBO would hire an actor like Kit Harington, and NOT separate him from his direwolf wear at least once, do you?  It’s time for these two crazy Wildings to get wild!

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After its all over, Snow adorably admits to his heretofore virginal status, while Ygritte cops to having a bit more . . . OK . . . a lot more experience.

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Now, before you judge little Ygritte, please consider the fact that she spends most of her time in a hut with a bunch of barbarians, and . . . well . . . not much else.  (No HBO for her!)  I mean, there’s only so many times you can watch that kooky guy “commune with crows,” and make snow angels admits the dead horses.  A girl’s gotta keep herself entertained!

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Ygritte tries to defuse an awkward situation, by reminding Jon Snow that he probably hasn’t bathed since his baptism.  And the two go for a swim.  It’s a quietly sweet romantic moment, that almost seems out of place on a show where everyone always seems to be in the process of being burned alive, bludgeoned, or having their appendages chopped off . . .

In other “adult-oriented” news . . .

Loose Lips Sink Loras

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Loras Tyrell.  This is a character whose three claims to fame are, in no particular order: (1) being the secret lover of the best looking Dead Baratheon Brother . . .

(2) expertly impersonating the Best Looking Dead Baratheon Brother on the battlefield . . . and

(3) being the only guy in Westeros with a perm?

Now, we can add Egregious Over-Sharer During Post Coital Cuddles to that list!  Like Ygritte before him, one of Loras’ trusty man servants (a Macauley Culkin-looking guy we haven’t seen up to this point, and may never see again), deftly equates swordplay with foreplay, as he suggestively fondles Loras’ man bits, while offering to “serve him.”  Thanks to Renly’s fine tutelage, Loras at least knew enough to take his clothes off, before all this “serving” began.

But, while Jon Snow tends to be more of the strong and silent type, Loras is a real Chatty Cathy in the sack.  And it isn’t long before he spills the beans to Macauley Guy about his future nuptials to Sansa Stark.  Macauley Guy promptly shares this news with Littlefinger, as he was undoubtedly paid to do.  (See?  I was totally right about Littlefinger’s burgeoning male escort business.)

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Off With His Head . . .

Cute kids and pets are two species I never want murdered on my TV screen.  So when that Karstark guy and his men killed those seemingly innocent little Lannister captures in their bed chambers, to avenge his own son’s demise, I was all for Robb Stark chopping his head off.

I felt this way, even though I recognized that, politically, this was a terrible decision . . . one that only served to further alienate the King of the North from the few families that offered him their allegiance.   I also got the impression that the public decapitation (which Robb honorably performed himself, as Papa Ned taught him to do) had more to do with Robb’s wounded pride, over being directly disobeyed than any sense of empathy or fondness he had for these young murdered children.

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And, of course, anyone whose ever read Shakespeare knows that being cursed by a dying guy, who lost his life as a result of a Family Feud is very bad luck indeed   . . .

I suggest you sleep with one eye open Robb Stark.

Speaking of one eye . . .

The Many Lives of Beric Dondarrion

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Arya loses her religion (not that she was ever particularly religious to begin with), when the Hound wins his Trial by Battle, despite the fact that he was TOTALLY guilty of killing Arya’s childhood friend.

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So, you can imagine her surprise, when the seemingly dead Beric Dondarrion, pops up, after being slain in battle, as if he was merely taking a nap.  Beric admits to Arya that prayers to the “Lord of Light” have “woken” him from the dead, no less than six times.  He’s like Kenny from South Park, only with a cool eye patch in place of the orange hoodie.

Arya hopefully requests that the Lord of Light re-attach her departed father’s head to his body.  But Beric isn’t sure it works that way . . .

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Poor Arya, let down by the Lord of Light twice in one night.  And she’s about to be let down, once again.  The following morning she learns that her pal Gendry will not be traveling on with her back to the Starks.  Rather, like Hot Pie before him, he will be sticking around with the crews previous captors.  Gendry likes the camaraderie and democratic style  of the Brotherhood without Banners.  He hopes they could provide him with the family this bastard son of Robert Baratheon never had.

Arya hopes her good friend will reconsider.  And offers him an alternative suggestion.

Sweet, Gendry.  But it doesn’t really make up for the fact that you are leaving “your lady” alone with One Eye Guy, and trusting that he’ll bring her to her family, like he promised.  Unfortunately, few people ever seem to do what they promise, where Arya is concerned.  That’s why her list of “People to Kill” grows with each episode . . .

That said, I love the dynamic between Arya and Gendry, and hope they get the opportunity to reconnect, later in the series.

Why Everyone Should Name Their Kid Grey Worm . . .

It’s been a pretty busy day for everyone’s favorite Dragon Mommy.  She laid siege to a city, garnered an entire army, and freed a population of slaves, all in the span of about 15 minutes!  Way to make the rest of us feel lazy, Dany!

In this week’s episode, we see Dany trying her hand at politics, when she asks her new army of unsullied to democratically select amongst themselves, who they wish to have as their general.  And I gotta say, those unsullied have damn good taste!  The guy they choose is pretty hot . . . not that being hot necessarily translates to being a good army general.  But it certainly can’t hurt.

Dany is horrified and saddened to learn that her new army general, like the rest of the unsullied, has been forced to take a name whose purpose is to dehumanize and degrade him.  Greyworm . . . it sounds like one of those weird names celebrities choose for their kids.

So, Dany encourages all the now-free unsullied to choose their OWN names.  Pretty cool right?

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Except that Grey Worm ultimately chooses . . . “Greyworm.”  In his defense, his explanation for choosing such an awful name is pretty awesome.

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Awww!  That’s sweet.  Now, I wanna be named Grey Worm!  From now on, please consider this website Grey Worm Recappers Anonymous!

It All Comes Out in the Wash . . .

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Rub, a dub, dub . . . Jamie Lannister and Brienne are sharing a tub!

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Even though he’s down a hand, and looks like his body hasn’t touched water in days, Jamie’s still packing heat where it counts, if you catch my drift.  And as a result, he is not the least bit shy about showing his wares to the androgynous Brienne.  If Game of Thrones was a romantic comedy or sitcom, these two would be that couple that started out despising one another, and ended up humping like bunnies . . .

Take for example, this scene, during which Jamie teases Brienne about her inability to bring him back to the Lannister’s in “one piece.”  The joking accusation enrages Brienne so much that she forgets her nudity, and rises from the tub in all her bare bummed splendor.  Briennes taking of offense to Jamie’s joke, softens him.  He admits to her that he trusts her and is tired of fighting.

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That admission ultimately leads to an even larger one.  In a remarkably well acted and poignant speech, Jamie tells Brienne the story of how he got the name Kingslayer.  As it turns out, Jamie broke his oath as a knight and killed the king, not for power or any other lofty purposes, but rather because the Mad King wanted to lay siege to his entire city, and asked that Jamie murder his own father.

Overtaken with the emotion of his confession, Jamie faints, causing Brienne to rush forward and clutch him in her arms, like a concerned lover.  She shouts his name out, in a cry for help.

“The Kingslayer.”

But Jamie corrects her . . .

Hooked on Phonics, Worked for Davos . . .

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So, apparently Stannis Grumpy Pants has a daughter, who despite some facial scarring, is way cooler and perkier, than anyone sharing genes with Stannis has any right to be.  (Maybe she gets it from her mother.)  Despite being told that Stannis’ former right-hand man Davos is a traitor to the cause, she sneaks off to visit the man, who she considers a dear friend.  She brings him books to read during his incarceration.  And when Davos admits he is unable to read them.  She offers to teach him herself.

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All together now.  “Awwwww . . .”

The World’s First Test Tube Babies?

You know what’s not “Awwww?”  Dead babies in bottles of green gunk.

Remember I said that Stannis’ wife must be a nice lady to have such a sweet daughter.  Well, nice she may be, but she sure is looney tunes.  Apparently, Mrs. Baratheon has been having some difficulty conceiving Stannis a strapping male heir.   And you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, store the evidence of your mistakes in a jar in your basement . . .

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Stannis pops by his wife’s Dead Baby Museum, feeling a whole lot of guilt about schtupping the red-headed Melissandre, while wifey was sitting home staring at baby food jars  . . .

But Mother of Test Tube Babies says it’s TOTALLY COOL that Stannis is boinking Melissandre.  After all, she’s down with the “Lord of the Light,” and has the capacity to make male babies, something Mrs. Baratheon might never be able to do . . .

Tsk, tsk Mrs. Baratheon, you’ve just pushed the woman’s movement back to the Middle Ages.  Then again, since that’s when this story takes place, I guess that’s not so bad . . .

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Last but not least . . .

The Millionaire Matchmaker

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Oh, Tywin Lannister!  Your douchebaggery knows no bounds.  In the final moments of this week’s Game of Thrones, Tywin orchestrated marriages for not one but TWO of his children, both of whom are well in their thirties.  .

For the past few week’s Sansa Stark has been the topic of everyone’s conversation over in Lannister Land.  She’s young, she’s pretty.  And despite her father’s recently headless status, she seems to be the key to gain the favor of the North, a necessary step to achieving the Iron Throne.

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And just when it seemed like Sansa would end up either married to Big Gay Loras, or whisked away to points unknown with the sly and slimy Littlefinger, Tywin introduces a surprise third option.  Sansa Stark will marry .  . . Tyrion?

The Lannister clan’s most petite member is horrified on Sansa’s behalf.  He argues that being saddled with yet another Lannister, after that evil wretch Joffrey murdered her father, and brutally abused her, would be a terrible punishment for the innocent maiden.  Plus . . .. welll . . . dude’s kind of old enough to be her dad.

Cersei, of course, thinks this is hilarious, since her brother’s misfortune is always her greatest joy.

But it’s ultimately Tyrion who gets the last laugh. Because Tywin has a marriage in mind for Cersei too.  Loras Tyrell!

Now, under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t seem like such a bad deal.  I mean, apart from the bad perm, Loras is pretty adorable.  (Though, I suspect the whole “making babies with ladies” thing, is not really up his alley.)  But, lest we forget, Cersei’s heart belongs to another . . . her brother.

And the thought of marrying yet another person, who is not a blood relation, horrifies Cersei to her core.  Ahh, parting with incestuous love is such great sorrow . . .

See ya next week, Westeros!

www.juliekushner.com

Vampire Group Therapy – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “After School Special”

“Stefan, I believe you still have unresolved issues, regarding your father’s death.”

“Why?  Because I ate him?”

Given that they are all basically immortal serial killers,  it makes sense that our vampire friends would have a bit more baggage, than your average high school student.

After all, they all have more to feel guilty about (dead bodies, broken hearts), and more time to think about how guilty they feel.  For a long time, I’ve been secretly hoping our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang would get some serious therapy.  And now, thanks to “After School Special,” it seems they’ve all been forced to do just that!  (Thanks Rebekah, Klaus, and That Annoying Witch Doctor Guy!)

“I had a therapist once.  She was tasty.”

As an added bonus, when the TVD Gang gets therapy, we get therapy!  So, pull up a chair, compel yourself to sit in it, and let the healing begin!

Unnecessary Fun-ness

Another day, another memorial.  This time it’s for poor Carol Lockwood, who spent her final moments, with her head upside down in a fountain, getting the Worst Swirly Ever, at the hands of one Klaus Mikaelson.

The attendees are doing that thing you do at memorials, where you take one candle flame, and pass it around the room until everyone’s candle is lit.  It’s a nice gesture .  . . or, at least, it would be, if you momentarily forgot about all the Mystic Falls residents, who died by LIGHTING THEMSELVES ON FIRE a few weeks back . . .

. . . not to mention the one who got blown up, back in Season 1 (like Tyler’s dad).

Tyler can’t handle it.  He gets up right in the middle of the assembly and leaves.  I can’t say I blame him for being leery of memorials.  I mean, not only is this one for his poor mother.  At the last one he attended, he made a bad speech . . . and ended up getting SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE STOMACH.

Elena leaves too, but that’s just because she’s rude.  She thinks she sees the heretofore-daggered Rebekah, in the crowd, and needs to investigate.  While she’s roaming the hallways, we meet the new interim mayor.

“She gets her nosebleeds from me.”

It’s Bonnie’s dad . . . who’s last name, oddly enough, is not Bennett (It’s Hopkins.).  This doesn’t make much sense, considering that Bonnie lives with her dad, and not her mom. So, you would think she would keep his last name.  No matter .  . . He’ll probably be dead, in about three episodes anyway.  So, we won’t have to bother remembering him.  It just occurred to me that Bonnie is the only character on this show, who still has a father.    That’s got to make her worthy of some award, or something . . . The Last Dad Standing Award . . .

Anywhoo, Rebekah’s new b*tch, April the Brainless, acts as bait for Elena.  She sobs and whimpers in the hallway, so that Elena, being the “Sweet Vampire Girl” we know her to be, will not be able to resist comforting her.  This gives Rebekah the perfect opportunity to come from behind, and literally, break our heroine’s neck.

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“Was that necessary?”  April the Brainless (whose already gotten so used to watching people get temporarily murdered in front of her, she doesn’t even bat an eyelash) asks.

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“No, but it was fun,” Rebekah replies, as she drags “dead” Elena to the library for some impromptu Detention Therapy.

Sex, Lies and Detention

Meanwhile, Stefan’s at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, getting day drunk, and feeling sorry for himself.

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He’s also gabbing on the phone with Caroline, whose bitching about how her boyfriend hasn’t been making time for her, since HIS MOM AND 98.6% OF HIS FRIENDS WERE MURDERED, IN THE COURSE OF A SINGLE EVENING.  That Tyler . . . SO SELFISH!

Stefan gets another call.  It’s Rebekah.  She is holding Stefan’s Not Girlfriend captive in the library.  “Come and get her!” She instructs

Everybody knows, even Single Mopey Stefan can’t resist the tantalizing allure of playing yet another round of the Save Elena Games.  So, off he goes to his “maiden’s rescue,” but not before inviting Caroline to come along for the ride.

Next thing you know, Caroline and Stefan are at the high school.  And it isn’t long before Rebekah’s kidnapped THEM too.  She’s got them all holed up in the library, where she’s compelled them not to leave, and to tell her “the truth and nothing but the truth,” no matter what she asks.

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It’s just like that film the Breakfast Club!  Rebekah will be playing the pot-stirring role of “the Rebel,” Stefan is “the Jock,” Elena and Caroline are both “Beauties,” and April is “the Moron.”  (Funny, I don’t remember that last character from the movie.)

(By the way, that trailer TOTALLY spoils the WHOLE MOVIE!)

Drill Sergeant Damon and Jeremy’s Arm Muscles

Meanwhile, back at Sexy Cabin, Jeremy and Matt are showing off their massive arm muscles . . . er . . . I mean . . . “training to kill vampires.”  Coach Damon is sitting off on the sidelines, looking Too Cool For School, in his leather jacket.  He’s got a voicemail from Elena on his cell phone, that he listens to, whenever he needs “inspiration” for all this sitting he’s been doing.  When he gets bored of looking cool, and listening to Elena’s voice, he beats the crap out of Jeremy, just because he can.

When the “Hot Pizza Delivery Girl” makes an appearance, I’m thinking this could be the start of a really great Old School Porno!

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But alas, Damon sends her away.

Old Damon would NEVER have done that!

*insert sound of Elena cracking a whip on his behind*

Then, Klaus pays them a visit.  He wants to know why Jeremy hasn’t killed anymore vampires yet.  After all, that’s the point of all this time spent in Sexy Cabin, isn’t it?  To have sex with anonymous pizza delivery girls and sometimes eachother teach Jeremy to kill vampires, and grow his Map Tattoo to the Cure, without accidentally / on purpose going batsh*t crazy, and ripping off his sister’s head.

Ever the patient teacher, Klaus gives his errant students an impromptu lesson in simple mathematics . . .

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Damon explains that Jeremy’s “not ready.” This causes Klaus to give his younger pal / nemesis, a free therapy session of his own.  He says Damon is subconsciously trying to keep Jeremy from killing, so as to impress Elena with his “newfound” goodness.  Klaus believes Damon needs a more “healthy” outlet for his sexual frustration.

So, Damon shoots Klaus in the stomach . . . Now, that’s what I call “catharsis!”

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Truth, Dare or Mope

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Now, don’t forget, Rebekah’s been daggered a while.  So, she’s missed the whole “Elena’s in love with Damon / sire bond / Stelena breakup” thing.  She compels the gang to give her a little recap, and looks legitimately turned on, when she finds out that Damon and Elena have been boning, and Stefan knows all about it.

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Elena, who mistakenly thought she could trust her so-called bestie Caroline to keep her little sex secrets, shoots Vampire Barbie a death stare for spilling the beans to Stefan.  Personally, I think she should have taken a page out of her new boyfriend Damon’s book, and shot the girl in the stomach.  But that’s just me . . .

Things start to get really interesting, when Rebekah compels Elena to explain WHY she slept with Damon.  She unblinkingly tells the group that she did it, not because of that LAME PLOT DEVICE sire bond, but because she LOVES Damon.

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We interrupt this recap, so that I can do a little DANCE OF JOY . . .

Thank you.  We now return to your regularly scheduled programming . . .

More Truth Bombs from Elena:

(1) When she’s with Damon, she feels unpredictable and free!

(2) When she’s with Stefan, she feels like a broken toy that needs to be fixed.

Look at our little Elena, being all metaphor-y!  Good for her, I say!

Ah, decisions, decisions . . . to be a broken toy, or a hot sex kitten.  We can certainly understand why this choice would confuse Elena . . .

Here, Elena is eloquently expressing an issue many fans have had with the Stelena relationship, ever since she turned vamp.  Stefan seems to be more interested in trying to fix Elena, than in actually being with her.  He seems to love the idealized version of Elena he has in her head, more than he loves the real thing.

Consequently, Elena’s love for Stefan has similarly taken on a “past tense.”  She still loves Stefan.  But she is no longer in love with him.

Understandably, this comes as a major blow to Stefan, who has always comforted himself with the notion that the “sire bond,” and only the sire bond, was to blame for Elena’s change in heart.  But, as it turns out, Elena’s reasons for falling out of love with Stefan, are not only chemical and emotional, they are also rational and logical.  Compulsion doesn’t lie.

Cue the brooding . . . and the Angry Tears . . .

Rebekah, of course, is THRILLED with this turn of events, as most of us are, when the people who have dumped us, end up getting dumped in return . . .  And in her honor, I proudly present to you, the Former Dumpee’s Anthem . . .

In other news, Rebekah learns that Shane, a.k.a. Professor Numb Nuts, is the key to finding the CURE to vampirism.  This information isn’t nearly as fun as the gossip about Stefan and Elena.  But it’s probably a bit more useful . . .

In which Shane and April BOTH almost die (YAY!), but neither of them actually does (BOO!)

Bonnie hasn’t much to do these past few episodes, aside from sit in Professor Brillo Pad Head’s apartment and “light candles with her mind.”  (Despite what it sounds like, that’s not a euphemism for anything fun.)  In the beginning of this episode, she’s not even doing that.  She’s just b*tching about her dad, and how he doesn’t appreciate her witchiness, or whatever.

On a positive note, I really liked her outfit!

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Professor Shane decides to “Yoda” Bonnie . . .

. . . by telling her “the force is with her,” and giving her some ugly ass necklace that vaguely resembles soap on a rope to prove it . . .

Then, he kicks her out of his apartment, so that he can have sex with his new hot vampire boyfriend Kol.

Just kidding!  Kol actually kidnaps Shane, and takes him to Rebekah’s Detention Therapy Thingy.

When Bonnie figures out what happened, she rushes to Professor Douchenozzle’s rescue.

“Come on MAGIC!  Hurry up!  I have a Silas Professor to save!  Maybe if I start picking my nose, it will bleed faster, and I could be done with this in time to watch Dowton Abbey.”

Meanwhile,  Tyler is rushing to Caroline’s rescue, after a call from Rebekah, about her “kidnapping.”

And that, my friends, is how shows on the CW save on production value.  They get the entire cast in a single room, containing nothing but some books and a few chairs, and shoot the entire episode there.

But I digress, back to the Mikaelsons . . .

Like brother like sister AND brother!

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Upon learning that Professor Weinerhead can’t be compelled, Kol and Rebekah decide to torture information about the cure out of him, by repeatedly dunking his head in water.  “Blah, blah, blah  . . . Big Bad Silas glug, glug, blah blah blah,” is basically what I get out of this scene.

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Then, Bonnie comes, and tries to “protect” Shaney-poo with her ugly soap on a rope necklace.  But like most of Bonnie’s spells, this one ends up being a dud.  Bonnie accidentally links Professor Little Prick with APRIL of all people!  And she starts coughing up water and turning blue.

Wait.  Did I say this plan was a dud?  I mean, it’s AWESOME!  We get to kill two pain in the ass character’s in ONE FELL SWOOP!

Can I get a hell yeah?

Things get even better, when my new hero, Kol Mikaelson, stakes Shane, and he and April both “die.”  WOO HOO!

But alas, Stefan saves April, by giving her blood.  And Professor Mush Mouth just “wakes up” from his would-be fatal stabbing.

Better luck next time?

Meanwhile, back at Sexy Cabin . . .

The Return of Hot Pizza Delivery Girl

Hot Pizza Delivery Girl is back on Jeremy’s doorstep, because her “truck broke down,” and her “cell phone is out of juice.”  Yeah, we’ve all heard that one before!

So, here I am getting excited, and thinking, maybe I’m going to get some porn, after all.

But alas, this is just Klaus compelling a newbie vampire to walk herself into certain death, in service of Jeremy’s Hunter’s Mark.  Hot Pizza Delivery Girl shows her fangs.  And Jeremy has killed her, before she can say, “Did anybody order the Extra Pepperoni in my pants?”

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Fang

Here’s a question for you to ponder, Fangbangers.  If you had the choice to erase a particularly painful moment from your memory (a breakup, the death of a family member, a particularly traumatic experience) would you do it?  If a good experience ends badly, is the pain of that loss so insurmountable, that it is worth erasing that experience entirely?

We know, from past experience that Damon Salvatore would answer those questions in the negative.  We’ve heard him tell Elena that he would gladly re-experience all his suffering over Katherine, because this suffering ultimately brought him to her.  Damon is someone who believes that his negative experiences define him, just as much as his positive ones do.

Damon has always worn the battle scars of rejection, heartbreak, and bad decisions, if not necessarily proudly, at least with dignity.  It’s something his younger brother, has never really been able to do.  Stefan has always been ashamed by his Ripper past, which is something he buries deep within himself.  It’s why he seems doomed to repeat it, whenever things don’t go his way.  Denial is a tantalizing drug, to which Stefan has always been addicted.

Given this, it makes sense that Stefan would choose to ERASE all his memories of Elena, rather than live each day with the knowledge that she chose his brother.  Conversely, Damon willingly bore a similar pain of rejection, first with Katherine, then with Elena, for well over a century.

And to be honest, I was kind of disappointed that Rebekah didn’t give him his wish.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Stefan who did things other than pine over Elena.  And if I recall correctly, non-pining Stefan was a pretty fun guy, denial, or no denial . . .

Remember that time, when Ripper Stefan walked in on Damon and Elena sharing a moment together, and had this to say?

Now THAT’s what I’m talking about!

But, of course, Rebekah isn’t about to let her ex-boyfriend off the hook that easily.  So, she’s going to let him suffer.

But perhaps not for too long.  You see, Rebekah just compelled Tyler to turn into a werewolf, while locked in a room with Stefan, Elena and Caroline.

So, maybe Stefan will die, before he has to spend more time moping about Elena!

Nahhh . . .

Of course, Tyler’s Big Scary Werewolf Transformation ends up being much ado about nothing.  Tyler locks himself in a room, while he endures the change.  Elena and Stefan run the halls for a few minutes, before its all over.

Then, of course, Elena wants to “talk” to Stefan about the whole “not loving him anymore” thing.

But Stefan’s had enough therapy for one day, thank you very much!  He’d much rather go home and mope .  . . and/or research “do-it-yourself frontal lobe lobatomies” on the internet . . . or, you know . . . stare it his abs . . .

Tyler’s not done with therapy though!  Caroline finds him curled up in a ball, post-transformation.  After weeks of penting up his emotions into manly rage, Tyler finally cries over the loss of his mother and his friends, and his feeling that he somehow let them all down.  Caroline comforts him, and, in doing so, becomes more likeable as a character than she’s been in weeks.

Speaking of things I LIKE!

In which Damon Salvatore FINALLY catches a break . . .

After her therapy session, Elena rushes home and calls Damon.  She’s realized something about their relationship.  She LOVES Damon . . . I mean, really loves him . . . not sire bond loves him . . . or wants to have sex with him loves him . . . Elena GENUINELY, 100%, LOVES Damon Salvatore.  And after three years of dreaming about it, Damon finally gets to hear Elena say those three words, eight letters to him.

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Damon is ecstatic.  He’s blown away.  And there’s a beautiful moment, in which he actually looks up at the sky, and thanks the Heavens for his good fortune . . . and the pain and battle scars that made that good fortune possible.  Then, after weeks of pushing Elena away “for her own good,” Damon finally tells Elena to come and be with him.

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In that happy moment, Damon also becomes more determined than ever to find a cure to Elena’s vampirism.  Why?  Because he still believes that this will make Elena happy.  Also, let’s face it.  Dude is a SERIOUS glutton for punishment.

Kind of gives a brand new meaning to the phrase, “Last Call.”

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After getting a call from Klaus, Damon, Jeremy and Matt arrive at a bar FILLED with vampires in transition, more than enough to enable Jeremy to complete his hunter’s mark.  Klaus wants Jer Bear to kill them all.  Jeremy looks up at Big Daddy Damon with uncertainty.  But the Elder Salvatore brother AGREES WITH KLAUS.

Something tells me this isn’t going to turn out so well for Mini Gilbert . . .

In the final scene of the episode, Stefan surprises Rebekah, by agreeing to join forces with her in search of a vampire cure.

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Remember when I said earlier in the recap that I wanted to see Stefan doing something other than pining after Elena?  Well, it looks like I may have finally gotten my wish.  Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Should old acquaintences be forgotten? – A Mini-Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 3 Premiere “Resolution”

Pop open that bottle of champagne, and start singing Auld Lang Syne, because another New Year has just begun in Atlantic City.  It’s 1923.  And despite the fact that some of our “old acquaintances” have gone “mysteriously missing” (R.I.P. Jimmy and Angela Darmody) . . .

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Here at TV Recappers, we still think it could shape up to be a pretty awesome year.  Below are ten reasons why . . .

Because (be honest) you didn’t know what a 3-in-1 was either . . .

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Meet Gyp Rosetti.  He just got a flat tire on the way to AC.  To add insult to injury, now one of his henchman is sassing him, by indirectly implying that he’s an idiot for not knowing that 3-in-1 is another name for oil.  (Well, I didn’t know that.  Did you know that?)  So, Gyp Rossetti does what any of us would do in such a situation.  He beats the guy to death with a tire iron, and then “inherits” his adorable dog.  Wait . . . WHAT?

We’ve all seen this kind of thing before, in mob movies . . . a scene designed to show the mobster’s volatile temperament, his mean streak, and his penchant for bashing the crap out of things with tire irons and/or bats and/or pistols.  Deniro did it in The Untouchables . . .

watch?v=QHH9EYZHoVU

Pesci did it in Goodfellas . . .

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But neither of them adopted a dog at the end of the scene.  And dogs make everything better, don’t they?  Yes, even tire-iron beatings . . .

Because you are as baffled as I am that Mickey Doyle has managed to survive yet another episode . . .

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From the moment he pulled the trigger on surrogate son, Jimmy Darmody, we all knew it was only a matter of time, before Nucky Thompson fully embraced his gangster persona.  We see that persona, in full force, as we watch Nucky interrogate a rather pitiful looking thief, who had the misfortune of stealing booze from Mickey Doyle’s warehouse, while the latter was out taking a leak.  “Which one of you was doing your job?”  Nucky asks pointedly, in a line of questioning that alternately rewards the thief for his “work ethic,” while decrying Mickey Doyle’s inability to “keep it in his pants” until after his shift is over.

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“Ooh,” we’re all thinking to ourselves.  “Mickey Doyle is really going to get it this time.”

After all, this is the guy that’s been thrown off a balcony by Jimmy, and beaten within an inch of his life, by pretty much every gangster on this show.  Mickey Doyle is a cat with nine lives, but he already seems to have used up at least seven of them . . .

Make that eight, because despite Nucky’s seeming respect for the thief, it wasn’t enough to keep him from having Manny Horvitz shoot the latter in the head, moments after he gave up the name of his accomplice.  And Mickey?  Well, it seems that he will live to be bad at his job, another day . . .

Because Jimmy Darmody would be rolling over in his grave, if he knew his kid was calling that wackadoodle “Mommy” . . .

Oh little Tommy.  I’ve got some good news for you, and some bad news.  The good news is that you’re a cute kid.  Both of your parents were hot, and that makes you a winner of the gene lottery.  Here’s some more good news.  You’ve got the Best Caretaker Ever in Richard Harrow  . . . a guy who, not only, will take you to the carnival, whenever you want to go, he will also win you every prize in the place, because he’s an excellent shot (more on that later).

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But here’s the bad news.  You’re grandmother’s a TOTAL nutbar.  She’s raising you in a whorehouse, and forcing you to call her “Mommy.”  You might not remember this, Tommy, but things didn’t exactly work out so well for the last guy who called Gillian Darmody “Mom.”

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Here are a couple of tips for you, Tommy.  Stay away from the Nutbar.  Keep Harrow by your side.  And emancipate yourself from the whorehouse the minute you’re old enough to buy your own juice boxes . . .

Because you knew Nucky was boning Billie Kent, the minute she drank out of his champagne glass . . .

Every good gangster has a mistress.  Now, Nucky Thompson, is no exception . .  .

I don’t know.  I get that Margaret can be a bit of a cold fish sometimes.  And I’m sure Nucky is still holding a grudge against his wife for the whole “gave my multi-million dollar tract of land to the church” thing.  But I just can’t support this Billy Kent person.  She just seems a bit too Lucy Danziger 2: Electric Boogaloo for my taste.

Maybe he should go a blonde, or a red head, next time . . .

Because Van Alden is getting better and better, every day, and in every way (just ask him) . . .

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It’s not easy being a salesman.  Just ask Arthur Miller, and now, Van Alden, who is still living under the assumed name of “George Mueller” with his baby’s caretaker, who, sometime in the past year, made a little mini-Van Alden of her own with him . . . weird.

The way to every woman’s heart, is her through her lemon . . .

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Apparently, being a door-to-door iron salesman is the 1923 equivalent of telemarketing.  Nobody wants your product, and everyone is constantly slamming the door in your face.  Given all that, you can certainly understand why Van Alden’s “I’m great.  I’m wonderful.  Everybody likes me,” daily affirmations have done little to lift his spirits.

But Van Alden’s luck might just be changing, when he unwittingly saves an enemy of Al Capone’s from meeting his demise on New Year’s Eve.  By way of thanking him, the proud gangster purchases no less than TWENTY FOUR of Van Alden’s ridiculous irons.  (I guess they could be used as weapons . . . just ask Gyp Rosetti).  Van Alden is thrilled, believing that this windfall will be enough to win him the coveted Salesman Prize, which will give him enough loot to buy the “wife and kids” a new house . . .

Unfortunately, just like Charlie Brown, Van Alden seems like one of those guy’s who’s destined to have the football pulled out from under him, just when he’s about to kick the field goal.  One of the poor guy’s colleagues ends up taking the prize, based on a technicality, leaving Van Alden to shuffle home empty handed.

DOH!

Somewhere in Heaven, Agent Sebso is pumping his fist in triumph.  “That’s what you get for baptize/murdering me,” he cries.

Because that little dog is your new favorite character on the show (obviously) . . .

What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a cold wet nose.  And as much as I would have loved to see the tough-as-nails Gyp Rosetti cuddling a cute pooch with one hand, while kicking the crap out of people with another, for an entire season, for the pup’s sake, I’m kind of glad he ended up giving the canine to Mrs. Schroeder-Thompson, toward the end of the episode.  Somehow, I just can’t picture Tire-Iron Killer Guy cleaning up dog poop, and buying kibble . . .

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Because Al Capone and Nucky Thompson make New Years’ Resolutions they know they can’t keep (just like YOU!)

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Forget “losing ten pounds” and “exercising more,” when a gangster makes a New Year’s Resolution, lives are typically at stake, when he inevitably breaks it.   And, if history is any indication, I’m thinking Al Capone’s resolution to “think first, kill later,” and Nucky’s promise to “only sell liquor to Arnold Rothstein,” aren’t going to last much past midnight on January 1st . . .

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Because you’ve been secretly wishing all year that someone would invite you to a party, where they give out free gold jewelry to everyone in attendance . . .

Now, I get that the Thompson’s New Year’s Party was “Egyptian-themed.”  But honestly, couldn’t they have found a cheaper way to pay homage to King Tut, than giving their 100 plus party guests gold baubles.  For example, they could have dressed Driver Eddie up as a mummy, by wrapping him in toilet paper.  Or they could have made everyone wear those stupid pharaoh hats.

Just sayin . . .

Because you are secretly hoping Margaret is still humping Owen Sleater, and you fear this makes you a Bad Person . . .

Right . . . because Owen’s inquiry to Margaret about whether the house needed “more champagne,” wasn’t TOO filled with sexual innuendo, was it?

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I mean, as sexy is This Guy might be . . .

. . . can you really blame Margaret for seeking out the “pot of gold” at the end of this rainbow . . .

Show me your Lucky Charms, Owen . . .

 

Because you may or may not have clapped when Richard Harrow got his revenge against Manny Horvitz, and you KNOW this makes you a Bad Person . . .

Don’t wait up, Mrs. Manny Horvitz.  Something tells me, the Butcher won’t be home for dinner . . .

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Until next time, my fellow Boardwalkians . . .

Five True Blood Spinoffs I Might Enjoy Watching More than Season Five . . .

 

[Attention Werebangers!  The recap for this week’s Teen Wolf episode, Party Guessed, should be up by early this evening, July 25th.  Sorry for the delay!]

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been a wee bit (OK, a LOT BIT) less prolific, of late, when it comes to recapping, and fangirling over a certain vampire-themed HBO show.  Part of that has to do with time constraints and “personal issues,” which I suspect none of you give two licks about.

The other part, though, has to do with a certain recent, shall I say,”cooling off” in my love affair with True Blood?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a card-carrying Fangbanger.  I still get all gooey over the prospect of neck nibbles, sexy glamour sessions, supernatural sex, and, let’s not forget,  the always enticing-opportunity for a bare ass sighting from Ryan Kwanten, Alexander Skarsgard, and/or Joe Manganiello.

It’s just that . . . well . . . parts of this season of True Blood have been a tad . . . underwhelming.

Like, for example, that “lfrite” storyline!  I liked it better when it was on Lost and called “The Black Smoke Monster.”  Every time it appears on my screen, I find myself thinking, “What the “lfrite” are the writers doing taking time away from a prospective Naked Eric Money Shot to show me this crap?

And don’t even get me started on the whole “Lafayette is possessed . . . AGAIN” thing . . .

Perhaps, the problem with this season of True Blood simply boils down to “too much of a good thing.”  With so many widely varying storylines, it’s difficult, as a viewer, to  become truly invested in ANY of them, let alone ALL of them.

That’s why, here at TV Recapper’s Anonymous, we’ve come up with a solution to True Blood‘s “excess pounds” problem.  In short, we’ve decided to put True Blood on a character (and storyline) “diet,” by spinning off Bon Temps’ most promising supporting cast members into series of their own.  What follows are five prospective True Blood spinoffs, we think could actually work . . .

Spinoff 1: Fangtasia

Starring:  Kristen Bauer as Vampire Pam, Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton, Tara Buck as Screaming Ginger, and Jim Parrack as Goofy Fangbanging Hoyt Fortenberry (with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Alexander Skarsgard, as Viking Vampire Eric Northman)

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Tagline: “Because you wanna go where no one gives a sh*t what your name is, but everyone knows your blood type.”

Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Let’s face it, everybody loves Pam.  She’s got the perfect mixture of calculating coolness, snarky one-liners, and lethal killer instincts to carry her own series.  For me, she embodies what True Blood used to be: sexy, dark, violent, funny, and FUN!

And I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially given all the flack I’ve given the Tara character over the years for being whiny and annoying, but Pam’s and Tara’s newfound progeny / maker relationship is one of the high points of this season.

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A series starring these two could really explore this twisted version of the accidental mother / damaged rebellious child story, in all its hilariously angsty glory.

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Plus, let’s not forget the bar, itself.  True Blood has spent a lot of screen time at Merlotte’s these past few seasons.  And, don’t get me wrong, that’s great!  But I can’t help but feel like Fangtasia has been treated like the red-headed vampire stepchild in all this.

I want to learn more about this cool, yet, at the same time, tacky in its commercialism, fangbanging establishment.  What are the other vampires like who who work there: the waiters, the bartenders, the bouncers, the “exotic dancers?”  Do only tourists frequent the place, or does it cater to a certain more “regular” clientele?  And, perhaps, most importantly, doesn’t Ginger ever lose her voice from all that screaming?

Spinoff 2: CSI – Bon Temps

Starring: Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur, Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse

Tagline: “Because investigating human crimes is for pussies!”

Why we think it could work as a standalone series:  Who doesn’t enjoy a good crime procedural show?  OK, I’ll admit it.  I don’t . . . at least, not usually.

But think of all the really gnarly crime possibilities that might exist, when you aren’t limited to the “natural world.”  Vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, lfrites,  fairies, maenads . . . these are some killers, who could really f*&k you, if they’re  having a bad day.

And yet, even viewing really grotesque bloody human remains week, after week, would start to lose its luster, after four of five episodes, without some really solid characters to back it up.  That’s where Andy and Jason come in!

These two have the ultimate buddy cop bromance going on!  Chris Bauer is perfection as the old-school jaded cop, with a  secret soft spot for his rookie partner.

And as for Ryan Kwanten’s Jason, well, we all know he’s the perfect man child, one who’s never afraid to bring the funny at his own expense.  He’s also not afraid to show some skin, which, of course would be a requirement for his character, at least twice each episode.

Spinoff 3: Kid Wolf

Starring: Chloe Noelle as Mini Wolf Emma Garza, a bunch of other adorable child stars, with Sam Trammell, as doting foster dad, Sam Merlotte, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Joe Manganiello, as Sam Merlotte’s (always shirtless) handyman, and Emma’s “Werewolf Advisor”

Tagline: “She’d play well with others, if she could just stop biting their heads off first . . .”

Why we think it could work as a standalone series:  Up until recently, when most of us thought of True Blood the first thing that came to mind wasn’t usually “family-friendly kid show.”  That was before this . . .

I mean, seriously, it’s so cute, it’s almost nauseating!  I’m thinking a sitcom about a seemingly normal orphaned school girl (Yeah, I killed off Luna.  Got a problem with that?) . . .

. . . who,  along with her adoring stepdad, is forced tohide a “deep dark secret”:   She occasionally morphs into a werewolf.

This could make seemingly “normal” little kid things, like snack time, gym class, ballet lessons, birthday parties, and Show-and-Tell time more than a bit complicated . . . but still “adorable,” of course . . .

Well .  . . half of this picture is adorable.

We’re thinking a sitcom for this one . . .

Spinoff #4: A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating . . .

Starring: Deborah Ann Woll as Vampire Jessica and a bunch of other 20-something hot actress ingenues, as as her sassy gaggle of vampire and human friends, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Ryan Kwanten as ex-boyfriend / friend-with-benefits,  Jason Stackhouse, and Stephen Moyer as doting Vampire Dad, Bill Compton . . .

Tagline: Because being single can suck, whether you’re undead or not . . .

Why we think it might work as a standalone series: Since entering the True Blood character lexicon, late in Season 2, not only has Vampire Jessica become a Bon Temps’ mainstay, she’s also become a favorite among fans, both male and female.

In fact, the character has become so popular, she’s even started her own blog and video series on the perks of being a perpetually young female vampire.

The thing is, we think Vampire Jessica’s video series has the potential to be more than just a blog.  And why not?  It’s awesome!  It’ gets hundreds of thousands of viewers each week, and tons of commenters, all of whom talk to Jessica like she’s a Real Person with Real Problems.

Now, some of you might be thinking . . .dating show = chick show = Sex and the City with Vampires = no thank you.

But I think A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating could appeal to a much wider audience.  I mean, think about it, hot girls . . . hot guys . . . humor . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX . . . BITING . . . what’s not to love?

And finally . . .

Spinoff #5 – Steven Newlin, GVA (Gay Vampire American)

Starring: Michael McMillan as Steve Newlin.  DUH!

Tagline:  “Being a religious cult leader bites!  So, now he’s coming out . . . of the coffin.”

Why we think it would work as a series:  You guys remember, Steve, right?  You know, that wackadoo religious cult leader, with the hot wife, who tried to shoot Jason in the head, and almost blew up Eric Northman, and all his vampire friends?

Yeah, not exactly the kind of guy you’d want to bring along to your raging keg party.  Of course, that was before some wise soul decided to turn ole Steve-o into the Most Awesome Vampire Ever!

Now, the former religious nutbar is a Bill Cosby-sweater wearing,  nerdy dancing, Jason Stackhouse-loving,  gay ball of fun.

And I (no, not “we” this time, just “me”) want him to have a show of his very own?  Got a problem with that?

I didn’t think so . . .

So, there you have it, five True Blood spinoffs I might enjoy watching more than Season Five.  What would you rather watch?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]