This is WAY better than the original. Don’t you think? And yet, oddly enough, it communicates the same message.
Oh my dear Werebangers! I hope you didn’t eat too much July 4th barbecue meat, before watching this week’s installment of Teen Wolf. Boy, was it nasty! There were things coming out of characters’ mouths that should NEVER come out of ANYONE’S mouth! And no, I am not just talking about Professor Cupcake’s rants about the Youth of America, and Scott’s Drowning Cat Howl . . .
Don’t worry, Kitty! No cats were harmed in the making of this episode. Wolves, on the other hand . . .
Hold on to your lunches, folks! Because this recap is NOT for the weak of tummy . . .
(Once again, special thanks to Andre for the fabulous screencaps you see here. ;))
Why the Lord Invented “Vibrate Mode” for your Cell Phone . . .
Run Forest Creature, RUN!
Have you ever noticed how nearly EVER slasher film features a scene that takes place in a public indoor parking lot at nighttime? Talk about negative advertising! The next time I have to go to one of these places alone, I’m wearing a bullet proof vest and a hockey mask. Just sayin’.
Armed and ready . . . to shop.
When the episode opens, Scott is returning to his mom’s car, toting a truckload of groceries. (In hindsight, this is probably the one time when his trusty bike would have actually been HELPFUL! Go figure!) I actually find it kind of odd that, in a mid-sized suburban town like Beacon Hills, the grocery store doesn’t have it’s OWN parking lot. But I digress . . .
“Hmmm . . . I probably should have asked for paper instead of plastic.”
The poor dipsh*t can’t find his car! He searches level 4, where he thinks he parked, and doesn’t see it. Then he goes down to level 3. Still . . . no car. (I’d be embarrassed to tell you how many times this has happened to me. Hint, more times than I can count on my hands.) So, Scott clicks his keys, and hears his car open. As it turns out, it’s on level 4, after all. Scott puts down his bags to take a breather, and out rolls the milk.
Don’t cry over clawed milk!
(Now, Scott, WHY would you buy such a tiny milk for you and your Mommy? That’s not even enough liquidy goodness for your breakfast cereal! Someone needs to learn about Family Values!) Then, before Scott can grab the milk, it rolls back to him (Now, that’s convenient!) . . . only this time, it’s got CLAW MARKS IN IT!
Scott hears a wolfy growl. He runs away, seeking shelter behind a nearby car . . .
“Mom’s going to be REALLY pissed about that milk! I paid 99 cents for that bottle, dammit! Stupid Alpha!”
Figuring that it’s only a matter of time before the wolf finds him (they are, after all, on the same floor), Scott gets an idea . . .
Rather than running BEHIND the cars, Scott decides to run ON TOP OF THEM. This, Scott suspects, will have the impact of setting off all the car alarms on the floor of the parking garage, which will, hopefully throw the wolf off his scent. And THEN . . . Scott’s cell phone goes off.
Talk about a BAD time for a booty call. The minute Scott’s phone LOUDLY announces Allison’s phone call, “the wolf” lifts Scott up by the scruff of his neck, and announces to him “you’re dead.”
But fear not, Teen Wolf fans. It’s JUST Derek!
Teehee! Oh, that Derek! He’s such a kidder! He just wanted to teach Scott A LESSON. He didn’t really want to GUT HIM LIKE A FISH
“It was either this, or put a whoopee cushion on your bicycle seat.”
Scott begs Derek to teach him how to be a better wolf. Derek replies that maybe if Scott wasn’t having phone sex with Allison all the time, he might be more focused.
To prove it, Derek tosses Poor Scott’s phone on the floor, CRUSHING IT!
But does Scott wolf out? Nope. He just whines like a b*tch. Someone needs some serious WEREWOLF BOOTCAMP, STAT! Scott ultimately promises Derek that he will stay away from Allison, until the Full Moon.
So, of course . . .
Scott Goes Back in the Closet (Ha Ha Ha)
Allison: “My, what perky nipples you have, Scott!”
Scott: “The better to poke you with my dear, Allison.”
Cut to the next night. Scott’s at Allison’s house practicing the horizontal mambo with her. In the background, Lykka Li’s song “Get Some,” blasts from a stereo nearby. TVD fans might remember this song as the one Katherine danced to, at Alaric’s house, during the episode “Klaus.”
“Eat your heart out, Teen Wolf!”
As she has pretty much done since the start of their relationship, Allison assumes the dominant position during Sexy Times with Scott. She is always the aggressor . . . always on top. She even goes as far as to ask the undoubtedly virginal Scott if it’s OK if she takes off his clothes . . .
It’s still kind of hot though. I realized something about Scott and Allison this week. I like them a whole lot better as a couple when they AREN’T TALKING.
Uh oh! It’s coitus interruptus time! Auntie Kate a.k.a Kate the Werewolf Slayer has arrived. Into the closet you go, Scott!
(I suspect this is a place that is pretty familiar to you.) Auntie wants to know what Allison’s been doing in her room “alone.”
“SCOTT!” Allison replies. (Just kidding!) Conveniently, Allison has a history project she can pretend to be completing. SURPRISE! It’s a family history project!
“Mwah hahaha! She has fallen into my evil trap! My little niece will be shooting Scooby Doo in no time!”
“Golly gee, Allison . . . if you REALLY need help on your family history project, I guess I can help you,” Auntie Kate replies, before pulling up the website she has memorized by heart, and launching into the Your Family Tree oral report she has been reciting in front of her Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (Who’s the Biggest Badass of them All?) ever since Baby Allison made her first poop.
Kudos to the Teen Wolf writers for actually utilizing a genuine werewolf legend in developing the Argent family history. It’s called the Beast of Gevaudan, and you can read about it by clicking here.
Awww, how cute! I think I’ll call it Fluffy!
Long story, short. There was supposedly this wolf-like creature that terrorized the French province of Gevaudan in the late 1700’s. Some of Allison’s ancestors hunted it down. The rest, as they say, is werewolf slayer history. Scott, who is listening to this from the inside of his cubby hole, needless to say, is less than amused that Allison is learning her roots.
She dominates him enough, as it is!
“Awww man! Now she’s probably going to want do all that S&M sh*t! No me gusta!”
Once the coast is clear, Scott jumps out of Allison’s window, and miraculously lands on his feet. But because Allison had “eight years of gymnastics” and can do the same thing with her eyes closed, she doesn’t think anything of Scott’s super human jumping abilities. She’s not even impressed enough to let him be on top, for a change.
The Alpha Gives Scott an Art Lesson
Oooh . . . . SO PRETTY! (And WAY cooler than the happy faces I always draw on MY car window.)
Pretty much as soon as Allison closes her window, Scott hears a rumbling in the bushes. He assumes it’s Derek, because Derek seems to like to hide in the bushes and peep on other dudes. (
So does Jackson, we will later learn.) And, can I just say, HOTTEST STALKER EVER! Scott starts mumbling some excuse about how he had to see Allison because he had a really bad case of blue balls, and blah, blah, blah . . .
. . . when, suddenly, he hears a very non-Derek like growl. Scott runs to his car. (Clearly, the writers heard my complaints about the bike, because it is nowhere to be seen in this episode.) The Alpha approaches the car. He sticks out his claw . . . and he . . . DRAWS CURLICUES!
Terrifying . . . I know!
Scott says the curlicue drawing makes him MAD! He assumes this is because he is FEELING THE ALPHA’S FEELINGS. But I think it’s just because the douchey Alpha messed up his mom’s car window. (Those “drawings” leave streaks, you know!)
In all seriousness, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen the curlicue . . .
We saw it around Derek’s sister’s burial plot.
We’ve seen it on the photographs of dead animals in the area.
We saw it on the roof of the video store, the night the Alpha attacked Jackson. And, my personal favorite . . .
Derek’s back has not one . . . not two . . . but THREE curlicues!
When Scott arrives back at his home, who should be sitting there, but Derek! (I guess he’s just making up for NOT stalking Scott outside.)
“If this is a slumber party, I fully expect you to paint my were-claws purple!”
Like a best gal pal, after a date,
or Stiles, Derek is SUPER eager to learn what Alpha said to Scott in the car. But when Scott tells him about the curlicue, Derek gets all awkward and uncomfortable. He says Scott “[doesn’t] want to know” what the curlicue signifies. Now . . . as a brooding hottie, Derek gets an A plus . . . but as a Werewolf Bootcamp Counselor . . . he FAILS BIG TIME!
Sorry Sexy! The truth hurts, sometimes.
Yoda Stiles and Scott Wolfwalker
At school, Scott is wandering around the halls like a mental patient, mumbling to himself “Stay away from, Allison.” Good move, Scott! Keep acting like that, and NO girls will want to go anywhere near you. Eventually, he heads to class, where Bestie Stiles is giving him the silent treatment, for pretty much being the cause of his dad almost getting mauled by a wolf, after the parent-teacher conferences.
“I’m so mad at Scott, I could eat my own tongue.”
If Scott knows anything, it’s how to get Stiles talking. And all it takes is for Scott to imply that Derek is currently in the running to replace Stiles as the Robin to his Batman, and Stiles is frantically begging his bestie to reconsider.
“Why DEREK? Do you think he’s more attractive than me? Do you think DANNY thinks that?”
Ultimately Stiles decides that HE should be the one to teach Scott how to channel his inner wolf . . . because . . . you know . . . he’s Stiles . . . and he rocks. He also does a really kickass impression of Yoda, squeaky backwards-talking puberty voice and all. I mean, you know what they say, those who wolf DO, those who Stiles teach . . . OK . . . nobody says that. But you get what I’m saying, right?
Meanwhile, Allison and Lydia are girl-talking. Well, at least, they would be, if Allison wasn’t busy boring Lydia with her Big Bad Wolf versus Little Red Argent Story.
“OMG, Lydia! My family is in this old smelly book. You should be SOOOO jealous of me.”
Except, when Allison shows her the PICTURE of the wolf her family supposedly killed, Lydia is suddenly not-so-bored anymore. She’s FREAKED THE F*&K out!
“Psst! Hey, Lydia! Remember me? It’s Alpha . . . from the video store? Would you, maybe, wanna go out sometime . . . like . . . on a date?”
“Not exactly the response I was looking for . . . but . . . OK.”
Put the STRAP ON, Scott! I want to hit you with my balls!
“I’m going to make your heart race, Scott! YES, I AM!”
Stiles has a pretty good plan for helping Scott to control his wolf. Ever learn about biofeedback in psychology class? The concept is that if you can SEE how your biological processes work, you can learn to control them. So, Stiles wisely figures that if he monitors Scott’s heartrate, he can learn WHAT triggers Scott’s anger, enabling Scott to control his anger, thereby controlling his inner wolf.
“I’m a GENIUS!”
Stiles’ first Anger Management class for Scott conveniently involves him “strapping on” a heart monitor, while his wrist are tied to his back. Did I mention Stiles would be repeatedly tossing BALLS AT HIM?
Those of you who were annoyed last week by Scott’s and Allison’s mushy gushy lovey doveyness probably got some cheap thrills out of seeing Scott get BALLED in the nuts a few times. You know who else got a thrill out of it? THIS GUY . . .
“I wish I could do that with MY balls.”
Umm . .. yeah . . . Jackson is apparently an honors graduate of the Derek Hale School of Broody Smouldering and Stalking. Did I mention that he suddenly looks like an extra from The Walking Dead? So, far, I can’t figure out whether Jackson’s “side effects” are the result of some strain of were-rabies, brought about by Derek’s Love Tap, a few weeks back . . .
It wouldn’t be the first time!
. . . or if Jackson is merely suffering some SERIOUS PTSD from his Alpha encounter in the video store, LAST WEEK. Whatever it is, Jackson’s mirth turns to fear, when he sees that Scott has taken one too many balls to the brain, and has started to shift, ripping off the duct tape on his arms, in a single pull. He overhears Scott say that Allison “makes him weak,” so he can’t be around her anymore.
“I’ll have what HE’S having . . . On second thought, maybe not.”
El Creepo then follows the Scott and Stiles to the locker room, where they continue their discussion of werewolfing and Allison. They soon leave because Jackson, apparently, smells like death. So, of course, Smelly Jackson decides to take off his shirt. (Thanks dude!)
Apparently, the hotness of his own body is too much for Jackson to handle. He feels nauseous. He needs to vomit. He’s going to stick his finger down his throat to make himself puke. But WAIT! Someone did it for him!
Yeah . . . sorry guys. I still can’t post that picture. Everytime I look at it, it makes me want to ralph!
But, fortunately, all that grossness we just had to endure was only a hallucination of Jackson’s . . . OR WAS IT? You see, even though Jackson was scratched by Derek DAYS AGO, his wound is still bleeding, as if it’s fresh. Something is SERIOUSLY WRONG with this kid!
That’s one gnarly hickey, Wacko Jacko!
Just moments after Jackson reenacts the Alien movie with his mouth, he’s seemingly FINE! In fact, he decides to sit down next to Allison in the hall and have this weird heart-to-heart with her.
Now one of the benefits of recapping late, is I get to take a peek at the message boards to see what YOU GUYS are thinking about the show, before I write about it. (It’s cheating . . . I know.) And I was really surprised by how many of you started “shipping” Jackson and Allison together, after this scene.
When taking the scene at face value . . . I get it . . . I mean, these two are both attractive individuals, who didn’t get off on the right foot, which is usually fodder for an EXCELLENT love-hate TV romance. And Jackson is SAYING all the right things here. He’s being self-depracating . . . ASSUMING that Allison already hates him. He’s confessing to being obsessed with being the best, and being jealous of Scott. He’s telling Allison that he’s “not a bad guy” and he “likes her.” It all SOUNDS good, right?
But that’s just it . . . it SOUNDS good. But it LOOKS creepy. The way Jackson keeps inching toward Allison while he speaks, completely ignoring her obvious discomfort . . . the way he seems OVERLY insistent that she agree to be his friend . . . the way he keeps looking at her, like he wants to eat her . . . the way THAT WEIRD THING JUST CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH TWO SECONDS AGO . . . it all screams DANGER, ALLISON ARGENT! Couple that with all the stuff Jackson just overheard Scott and Stiles discussing, and you’ve got all the makings of an ulterior motive . . .
Be afraid! Be very afraid!
But who knows? Maybe Jackson will
die before he gets a chance to do anything wrong surprise us! Character redemption . . . It could happen!
Let us all join hands (and pray that Wolf Scott doesn’t kill us)
In economics, Allison wonders why Scott has been avoiding her. He mumbles about busy, or having to wash his hair that day, or something lame, and obvious like that. But then Professor Cupcake, who apparently got his teaching degree from the Tazmanian Devil , starts TOTALLY flipping out on Scott for not having done his class reading. You would think Scott killed his puppy, with how mad Cupcake is becoming . . .
Cupcake has this CRAZY look in his eye, while he’s hurling insults at Scott, like it’s his job. And you’ve really gotta wonder what brought on all this anger. I mean, I thought most sports coaches who were also teachers, LOVED their dumb star athletes? What gives, Asshat?
Stiles watches nervously, as Scott’s heartbeat rises steadily with each insult. The monitor is beeping VERY loudly, but, oddly enough, nobody seems to hear it. (This must be a school for both wolves AND the hearing impaired.) Then, suddenly, Scott’s heartrate drops. Stiles takes a little peak under the desk, and learns that ALLISON is the source of Scott’s calm. She’s TOUCHING HIM!
I meant his HAND! She was touching HIS HAND! You perv!
And, you know what, I’ll be damned if this wasn’t a SUPER SWEET scene . . . even to a cynic NON Salison shipper, like myself. Like I said, these two are WAY better, when they are silent.
Since Scott isn’t the sharpest crayon in the box, he relies on Stiles to explain to him what this all means. Basically, Scott luuuuuuuuuves Allison, so she keeps him human. I guess having LOVE be your Humanity Trigger is WAY MORE FUN than Derek’s method of having PAIN do it . . .
And yet, both methods could conceivably involve floor humping . . .
By the way, does anybody else think it’s kind of weird that Scott needed STILES to tell him that he was in love with Allison? Just wondering . . .
And yet, even though, by now, it seems COMPLETELY unnecessary, Stiles the SADIST has ONE MORE “lesson” for Scott. It involves Stiles keying some big dude’s car, and letting Scott take the blame for it. So, Scott can try to “stay” human, while he’s being gang banged.
Yeah . . . that’s pretty bad ass. But can you draw a curlicue on the window? Bet you can’t!
Stiles’ stunt lands both him and Scott in detention with that weird teacher, who everyone on the message boards seems to think is the Alpha just because he has a strangely soothing voice, and wears emo glasses . . .
As for me, I just thought it was strange that the guys who ACTUALLY BEAT UP SCOTT didn’t get detention for doing so. This school is WACK!
More Finger Wagging
The itsy bitzy spider went up the water spout . . .
Derek drives to the mental institution in his recently repaired hot car to visit his old friend, The Family Member Who Doesn’t Speak . . .
Sorry Peter! That was mean of me . . .
Derek tells The Family Member Who Can’t Speak (What can I say? Old habits die hard.) that his sister was murdered. He wants to know if anyone else, aside from him survived the family fire. The Family Member Who Can’t Speak says . . . well . . . nothing. But after Derek leaves, he wags his finger, which, I guess means that the answer to Derek’s question is “yes.”
“Hey PETER! Nice finger! Let me show you another one!”
The Vet Did IT! (Or did he?)
“Hey now! Why do you have to go and blame the black guy? What gives, Wolfy?”
Probably because he reads the Teen Wolf message boards, Derek becomes convinced that the shady veterinarian is either the Alpha himself, or WORKS for him. (I’m thinking, the latter.) So, he decides to interrogate the guy outright . . . and then tie him up, and beat the sh*t out of him. (Anybody ever notice how much BONDAGE there is on this show?)
“YEAH! Bondage RULES!”
By the time Scott arrives, his boss is already unconscious. Derek explains that he wants to see if the vets wounds will HEAL to prove whether or not he is human. Scott does NOT like this idea. NOT AT ALL!
And yet, thanks to Yoda Stiles’ training, he is able to effectively channel his inner wolf, when it is necessary to show Derek who’s boss, and UNWOLF, before he KILLS Derek. So . . . YAY for that!
New plan! “Let’s draw out the Alpha with my PACK ROAR!” Scott says, though not in so many words. Dragging the unconscious vet with them as a souvenir, Scott, Stiles and Derek head off to the school and break in. Scott takes over the school intercom and attempts to howl. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Lion King, it kind of sounds like Baby Simba’s first attempt at roaring, only LESS menacing.
But all it takes is a few words of support from Yoda Stiles, and Scott is HOWLING like a champ!
“How you doin’ Beacon Hills, this is Wolfman Scott here, ready to HOWL some tunes for you. I hope you’ve all been neutered! Because this is my MATING CALL!”
Once that’s done, the bromantic buddies reunite with Derek, and kid around about how Scott’s howling abilities, or lack thereof.
“That was so good, I think I just went into heat.”
The trio is having such a fine old time, joking and laughing, that they want Bondage Veterinarian to share in the fun. But when they look for him in the back seat . . . HE’S GONE!
Never . . . gets . . . old.
Oh, and I almost forgot . . . That stinkin Alpha did THIS to my poor baby!
But he’s not DEAD! He can’t be DEAD!
He’s still signed on to appear in five more episodes. He’s too beautiful important to the plot to die. Right? RIGHT?
Next week’s episode promises to be a cross between The Breakfast Club and Every Teen Horror Movie You Have Ever Seen. Check out the trailer, here!
See you next week, Werebangers . . . IF YOU SURVIVE THAT LONG!