The moment I got an electric shock from fondling my television screen . . . Totally worth it.
Welcome back, Fangbangers! Long time, no fangirl! Just in case you missed it, this week on TVD, ELENA FINALLY KISSED DAMON . . . and they humped against a dirty motel wall . . . and did some rather naughty things with their fingers in bed . . . it was all so deliciously tawdry, and long awaited, that I spent much of the episode celebrating . . .
Also, there was THIS . . .
Oh, and I guess some other stuff happened too . . .
So, let your Big Bad Alter Ego out to play, because this episode of TVD is rated “M” for “More Makeouts Than We’ve Seen All Season.”
The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Saltzman
We begin the episode, in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, also known as ‘The Time Out Corner for Misbehaving Salvatores and Friends.” That little cage sees more action than a motel that rents by the hour i.e. the place where Damon and Elena shacked up this week I mean, think about it. Stefan goes there when he’s all Mean and Rippery.
Damon “rested there,” while he suffered from a nasty case of were-rabies.
Elijah vacationed there, during one of his many Temporary Deaths.
And now it’s Multiple Personality Disorder Alaric’s turn!
Psychotic or not, you have to give Alaric credit for his willingness to endure self-imposed lockdown, so that his Jack Nicholson from The Shining Other Self doesn’t run off and murder all his friends, while he sleeps.
However, when Elena popped by to offer him some food and light reading . . .
. . . I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been down there, and what the Good History teacher was doing about the all-important Three S’s” of Life (sh*t, shower, shave). Because I definitely didn’t see a toilet in there . . . or a hose. So, unless Warden Stefan was willing to act as chaperone, I’m thinking that place smelled pretty darn rank.
Anywhoo . . . Elena’s real reason for visiting Alaric, of course, has more to do with her, than with him. After all, she’s going on a little road trip to Denver with Damon to sow her wild sex oats “rescue Jeremy,” and she needs a little moral support from her erstwhile father figure.
Understandably, Alaric is pretty grumpy about the idea that Damon and Elena will be off exploring one another’s nether regions, while he’s busy playing “Find the Stake” with Stefan. I mean, from the looks of things, it’s been a while since Prisoner Alaric has received a conjugal visit from the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith. (Apparently, attempted murder is not so great for your sex life. Who knew?)
Except . . . as it turns out, ALARIC’S a total psycho, which means he and Crazy Nanny Carrie are kind of perfect for one another . . .
Alaric wonders out loud how Stefan is feeling about this Delena Sexcation. And Elena responds that it was HIS IDEA! Well now, this takes the concept of Brotherly Love to a whole new level, doesn’t it?
“Bye honey! Be SAFE! Have fun dry humping my brother!“
A bit of awkwardness ensues, when Elena pops by La Casa de Rich and Awesome to meet up with Damon, and Stefan meets her at the door. “Have fun trying to coax that Big Stick out of Alaric,” Elena offers helpfully. (No, she doesn’t actually say that. But I kind of wish she did.)
“Be safe,” Stefan replies morosely, as Damon whisks Elena toward the door.
Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Steffie. You know vampires can’t impregnate humans or spread STDs! Though they do love to try . . .
Battle of the Blondes
We then move over to Mystic Falls High, where the students are hard at work preparing for their Bloodbath Prom . . . er . . . I mean Decade Dance. Seriously, at this point the administration should just pick a day at random, where they line the students up against a wall, and randomly slaughter them, Hunger Games style. It would be much more efficient. But while we are on the subject of high school, does anyone else find it ironic that 1,000-year old vampire, Rebekah, seems to be the only one who regularly attends?
Caroline and Rebekah are apparently having a contest to see which of them can out “Regina George” the other.
And the passive aggressive insults are flying across the gym like dodgeballs . . . Personally, I think Caroline won this fight, though. Her, “at least I don’t have sex with everyone I make eye contact with,” comment was filled with win.
(Everybody knows that “slut jokes and fat jokes,” are the girlfight equivalent of “yo mama” jokes . . .) As for Rebekah’s retort . . .
. . . it probably would have been more effective if the two girls didn’t look so very much alike . . . And yet, when Blonde Boy Matt sided with Rebekah, when it came to choosing a 20’s themed decade dance, over Caroline’s proffered 70’s one, it appeared that former featherweight champion, Vampire Barbie, might be forced to concede a victory in this round. The latter stormed out of the gym in a huff, while Rebekah looked on, her face practically brimming with smug satisfaction . . .
But, as it turns out, the jokes on Rebekah. Apparently, Matt and Caroline orchestrated the entire argument, just to give Caroline an excuse to leave school, and engage in Sexy Times with Tyler. (Seriously? What is with all these guys offering up their ex-girlfriends as sexual sacrifices to the Altar of Alpha Male?)
Now, maybe this makes me a Bad Person. But I would rather eat glue, than give an ex-boyfriend I’m not over yet, free reign to start boning my more attractive and probably better in bed rival . . . It’s one thing to accept that your ex has moved on. It’s quite another to give them an INVITATION to do it . . . particularly, when YOU aren’t getting any, yourself.
“Doh!”
Boozing Buddies
Speaking of sacrificial males, Stefan has decided that in order for Bad Alaric to come out to play, Good Alaric needs to take a nap. So, the Broody Vampire decides to speed matters along, by offering Alchyric some liquid lunch . . . which actually makes sense, since I’ve never seen the guy eat. (You know how vampires only require blood for sustenance? I’m starting to think the same concept applies to Alaric and Booze.)
Alaric, of course, tries to go all Dr. Phil on Stefan, and his mind boggling decision to get Elena to explore her feelings for Damon via road trip. Stefan basically admits that in order for him to continue to pursue things with Elena, he has to know she isn’t lusting after his brother. (Why Stefan? It never stopped you, before.)
“Scoot over, brother. It’s my turn to get the neck.”
Alaric and Stefan also reflect upon whether their Psycho and Ripper so-called alter egos, respectively, are really just themselves after a Bad Day. “The same things that drive him, drive me,” Alaric reflects wisely.
Of course, if anyone knows anything about being driven by bloodlust to do Bad Things, it’s Stefan. But for Alaric’s sake, he puts a kinder spin on things. “It’s not you,” he reassures his buddy boy. “It’s just your darkest parts.” (Well, THAT sounds dirty . . .)
The “darkest parts” of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, a.k.a. the chocolate fudge . . .
But while all this navel-gazing and moody self-reflection might BORE Alaric, it doesn’t necessarily put him to sleep. This, of course, means more “physical” tactics will have to be employed. And, unfortunately, I’m not talking about sex. Though really, nothing sends a warm-blooded male to dreamland faster than a solid roll in the hay. I’m referring to a good, old-fashioned ASS KICKING . . .
Fortunately, Klaus has magically appeared to deliver said ass-kicking. And when Stefan gives his ex boyfriend the Cliff Notes version of the whole “Save the Cheerleader, save the World Destroy the Missing Stake. Save the Vampire Bloodline,” concept, Klaus helpfully breaks Alaric’s neck, thereby FINALLY powering this starting-to-become-a-bit-draggy plot line forward.
Sweet Dreams, Good Alaric! (And THANK YOU, KLAUS!)
“Have you met YOU?”
I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, when the episode cut directly to Damon and Elena, already in Denver. I mean, isn’t the whole point of a Sexy Times Road Trip, the hours and hours of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at one another, and bond over the bad in-flight movie?
Obviously the duo MORE than made up for this, by the episode’s end. But at this point in the game, I was a little peeved.
Damon and Elena find Jeremy alone at the batting cages, striking out, of course. “I should have compelled him to be better at baseball,” Damon quips. (I don’t know. If I was a teenage boy, there are a few things I’d want to be compelled to be “better” at, but baseball isn’t one of them.)
“STRIKE ONE”
“STRIKE TWO”
“STRIKE THREE! YOU’RE OUTTTT!”
The duo quickly fill Jeremy in on at least part of the reason they are really here . . . to get “I See Dead People” Jeremy to “talk” to Rose, and find out which Original sired her, so that the Scooby Gang doesn’t kill that one. “So, you came all the way up here to get me to talk to some dead vampire?” Jeremy gripes.
No, we also came up here, to make sure that Ring of Immortality Ring your wearing hasn’t already turned you into a drooling, vampire-hating loony toons, like your guardian, Alchyric. “Dead and vampire is redundant, but yes,” Damon replies.
Jeremy promptly informs his darling sister, who has effectively traveled across the country to have sex with Damon effectively prevent the extinction of vampire kind, that the Vampire Apocalypse is just going to have to wait. Apparently, Mini Gilbert has much more important things to do than save the world . . . like whacking balls with a “dear friend.”
Remember that time, an episode or two ago, when Jeremy told Elena over the phone that he was heading out to spend time with “some friends?” And most of the fandom immediately took this a a sign that Jeremy, much like his guardian before him, had already taken a One Way Trip to Crazy Town? In fact, many fans even went as far as to suggest that these “friends” Jeremy was referring to may actually be vampires he’d already murdered, in the same way he offed that hybrid, before being sent away in the first place . . .
As it turns out, fans were right to be worried about the fact that Jeremy made “a friend.” Apparently, sexy little Jer is only allowed to have real “friends” if they belong to his sister, or secretly want to sleep with him. “Didn’t you find it a little weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you met you?” Damon chastises Jeremy later for his poor judgment.
So, yeah, long story short, Jeremy’s friend was “Kol,” a reveal that probably surprised precisely no one, since we knew the Original Vamp had been stalking Jeremy, and his new dog (See, at least Jeremy has a Man’s Best Friend), ever since the latter arrived in Denver. That said, I must admit, I did feel a bit bad for Jeremy, when Kol admitted. “You and I are not really buds,” before bashing Damon’s head in with an aluminum bat. (Of course, I felt worse for Damon for being beaten by an aluminum bat. But, I felt bad for Jeremy too! I mean, everyone should have REAL friends right. Even if those friends just so happen to be blood sucking sociopaths . . .)
Eventually, Damon manages to stake Kol with something that ISN’T dipped in or made from white oak ash (i.e. good for temporary death nap, but nothing more), and the threesome escape the batting cages, relatively unscathed. But . . . with Kol knowing the groups whereabouts, they can’t well stay in Denver. So, you know what that means. It’s time to check into the Sex Motel! (Can I get a hell yeah!)
In which I take back everything bad I ever said about Rose the Vampire . . .
Unfortunately, this vacation isn’t only for Delena pleasure. It’s for business too. So, upon arriving at the hotel Jeremy “I talk to dead people” Gilbert manages to channel Ghost Vampire Rose, through Damon’s memories of her.
When Damon first starts waxing poetic about Rose’s death being beautiful, and sweet, and blah, blah, blah, Elena thinks he’s blowing smoke up Jeremy’s ass. And understandably so. After all, the last time Elena saw Rose, she looked like this . . .
. . . and was literally trying to chew Elena’s face off. It’s not really an image one soon forgets. Interestingly enough, it’s Jeremy, who has either already connected with Rose, or simply managed to get hi s hand on the TVD Season 2 DVD that corrects Elena’s misinterpretation of the situation. “Damon was talking about the dream he gave her when she died,” he offers.
(Damn, Ghost Whisperers, always thinking they know everything . . .) After the reunited pair get the banal chitchat out of the way . . . (Yes, Rose is still hot. Yes, she misses Damon, but is NOT obsessed with him.) . . . things start to get really interesting.
Now, those of you who have read my recaps before know full well, that I was far from Rose’s biggest fan. I believe the nickname I used for her was “Boyfriend Stealer.”
In fact, for weeks after she died, I refused to use any other photograph to illustrate this character but her Were-Rabies Mugshot.
Here we go again . . .
It wasn’t really anything personal. It’s just that, as a Delena shipper, I found the fact that Rose was constantly humping Damon to be . . . well . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY ANNOYING!
That all changed when Elena told Jeremy THESE fateful words, “Tell Damon I’m rooting for him and Elena.”
That’s right, Fangbangers. Apparently, my former fictional arch rival is a fellow Delena shipper.
This means she and I have the incontrovertible bond of folks who share the same ship. And, therefore, I must love her like a sister. (It’s easy for me to do this, since I am an only child, and really have no concept of what “loving someone like a sister” actually means.) So, Rose, if you are out there . . . in Heaven, or wherever it is that rabid vampires go . . . I’m sorry for calling you Man Stealer, posting ugly pictures of you on the internet, and not being particularly sad when you died. I truly hope you can forgive me. Oh, and if you ever want to come to my house, and watch Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries with me on DVD (We can skip your death episode of course), I promise to invite you inside.
Oh, but back to the real reason we called Rose. Who sired her? As it turns out, it wasn’t ANY of the Originals. Rather, the woman who sired Rose was a girl named “Mary Porter,” a.k.a. Scary Mary. (Well, this certainly complicates things.) Though Rose doesn’t know where Scary Mary lives off hand, apparently there’s some Vampire Phone Chain she can tap into. Rose promises the Scooby Gang that she will do some research, and get back to them with an answer, before bidding them a fond adieu.
This, of course, means Damon, Elena and Jeremy can’t leave until they hear back from Rose. Damon calls Stefan with the AWESOME . . . er . . . I mean terrible news. “We’re stuck in a motel,” says Damon glibly.
The look on Stefan’s face upon hearing this admission is totally priceless. Sorry, buddy. But hey, you wanted Elena to explore her feelings for Damon. And now she’s going to have an entire night in a not particularly big bed to do just that . . .
Mother/Daughter bonding? (Yeah, we should have remembered that NEVER really happens on this show.)
Back at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Decorated (also known as the Originals’ house), Matt drives Rebekah home from school. And she is so impressed that a boy actually did something nice for her, that she looks like she wants to hump his leg. All joking aside, I REALLY these two together, and hope they both live long enough on this show to make a go of it.
“Thank you! I WILL have a nice life. Because I’m the only human left on this show . . . unless you kill me, of course.”
Rebekah’s good mood is short-lived though. Because when she crosses the threshhold into her home she’s greeted by none other than her miserable murderous, slightly bug-eyed Mommy. Mommy Dearest tells Rebekah that the latter really should have no hard feelings about the whole “I tried to kill you” thing, because she’s dying now too. We all know how starved Rebekah is for ANY show of love and kindness. So, of course, she cracks immediately, cradling her mother’s hands as the latter . . . “dies.”
In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. “Big mistake . . . HUGE!”
“Tell him to suck it,” and other moments of Forwood Cave Porn
Meanwhile a much happier reunion is occurring in the Forest Where Bad Things Happen. I really do love how horny Caroline and Tyler always seem to be. I mean, think about it, whenever they aren’t broken up, these two are ALWAYS, ALWAYS boning. This week they were almost too busy boning to engage in any dialogue at all.
They boned against the tree . . . They boned against the cave wall . . . They boned on the cave floor.
They would have boned at Caroline’s house. But they couldn’t because Lizard Forbes was home, which meant they actually had to talk. Well, that don’t go over so well . . .
(Yes, before you guys, all jump down my throat, I know that Caroline and Tyler had a very sweet post coital conversation on the cave floor, during which Caroline said Klaus should suck it (HE WISHES!), and admitted to Tyler that if the Scooby Gang killed Klaus he would die too. Caroline and Tyler are fully capable of engaging in adult conversation. They’d just much rather have sex. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, have YOU seen them? I’d bone all the time too . . .)
But back to Caroline’s house, where everything went to hell, and all because Caroline just COULDN’T bear to throw away that darn pony picture that Klaus drew her. Ruh-roh! Tyler didn’t like that one bit. And I for one, think his anger was justified. I mean, the way I see it, if a sociopathic psycho killer draws a picture of you, there are only two rational reasons why you would want to keep it. (1) He’s a FAMOUS psycho killer. And you plan on selling the picture on E-bay for a crapload of money. (2) You’re hot for the psycho killer.
Sorry Caroline . . . we haven’t seen you on E-bay. So, I’m thinking it’s option 2 for you . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Looooooooove Shack . . .
In which Elena finally ravages Damon, a.k.a. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!
His suspicion piqued by Rose’s offhand comment, Jeremy understandably wants to know what’s going on between Elena and Damon. The problem is that Elena’s not quite ready to admit what’s going on to herself yet . . . at least not for another hour or so. But Jeremy takes the hint anyway, and lets Elena and Damon share the second bed, while he sleeps alone. Smart boy . . .
Later that night, Elena is watching an open shirted Damon strut around the hotel room with his shirt hanging open (which is my FAVORITE Damon Look, by the way), and looking hotter than I’ve seen him look like . . . EVER.
And this is including all those shower scenes! She’s staring him like she wants to swallow him whole. And even though she tries to pretend she’s sleeping when he turns around, he notices . . . as all hot guys notice, when girls are ogling them like construction workers.
Sensing an opening (smart boy), Damon crawls into bed with Elena, but lays on his back, so as not to make her feel pressured. It’s not the first time they’ve slept together. But it IS the first time Elena has seemed so very eager. And Damon doesn’t want to screw up the moment.
Elena starts the conversation, as she turns toward Damon, her eyes roving his mostly naked body. Her eyes are already filled with yearning and wanting. I suspect it’s already taking all her strength not to jump him right here and now. But she’s got to treadly lightly too, as this is a “test of her true feelings.” And she doesn’t want her hormones to get in the way.
“You never told me what you did for Rose,” Elena muses.
“It wasn’t about you,” Damon responds wisely.
It’s an important point to make. Because, as far as Elena has always been concerned, Damon only did good, and selfless things for Elena’s benefit, because he loved her, and sought her approval. But Damon’s selfless actions with regard to Rose, really didn’t have anything to do with Elena, or even with love for that matter. Damon did what he did, because he cared about Rose as a friend, and because it was . . . wait for it . . . the right thing to do. In fact, when he had the opportunity to tell Elena about it, when she comforted him later in the episode, he chose not too, because, as he said, it had nothing to do with Elena or his love for her.
Elena can be dense sometimes, but even she recognizes a selfless gesture when she sees one. And this gesture of Damon’s is starting to make Elena feel all tingly in her pants. You can see her face flush, and breathing quicken, even though it is dark. As much as Elena “loves” Stefan, I don’t recall a time where she ever seemed this incontrovertibly turned on by his mere presence and the sound of his voice.
“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?” Elena muses.
I love what Damon said here . . . “When people see good, they expect good. And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”
Those two sentences explain so much about who Damon is, and why he behaves the way he does. In the same way Rebekah craves affection, Damon fears rejection. And why not? In a way, he’s been rejected all his life . . . by his father . . . by his brother . . . by the women he loves. So, rather than put himself out there, and risk being rejected again, Damon turns inward. He pretends to be cold and heartless, because it’s easier that way. Because if people saw how truly large his heart was, they might toy with it, and break it. And he’s simply not ready to bear the brunt of that pain for another eternity.
Of course, we have seen Damon show his goodness to many people . . . people he loves and cares about . . . like Stefan, Elena, Alaric, and Rose. But he always does so with a caveat. “I don’t do GOOD,” he tells them all . . . a pleading refrain.
When what he really means is, “Please don’t break my heart again.”
Elena understands all this instinctively, which is why she’s now so incredibly hot for Damon, she can’t breathe. She turns her body toward the ceiling, mimicking his earlier gesture, but not before she reaches for his hand . . . What starts as a gesture of solidarity and understanding, becomes something much more . . . intense. Seconds later, these two are having some serious Hand Sex. There’s rubbing, massaging, groping and fondling. Put it this way, if these were any other body parts, aside from fingers, this scene would be rated NC-17.
Can you blame Elena for needing to go outside for some “air?” And, more importantly, can you blame Damon for following her? He knows a turned on hot tottie when he sees one!
By the time Damon approaches Elena, she’s literally gasping for breath. She can’t resist any longer. She grabs him, and kisses him intensely. He throws her against the wall of the dirty motel passionately, as he kisses her chest and neck . . . there is not a single erogenous zone left untouched. (Well . . . maybe ONE erogenous zone.) She’s moaning, he’s panting. It’s the dry hump of all dry humps. And it is awesome. And for one brief minute, the world is a perfect SEXY place.
And then Cockblock Jeremy comes and ruins it all . . .
Apparently, Rose has found Scary Mary in Texas, or wherever. Who cares? I want more Delena Almost Sex! I’ve waited THREE SEASONS FOR THIS, DAMMIT! Let’s relive it, shall we?
Where’s Fake Friend Kol when you need him?
Vampire Hoarders – Scary Mary Edition
All sexual frustration aside, you know what? I’m kind of disappointed that we never got to meet Scary Mary. I mean, if DAMON thought she was creepy, she must have really been a piece of work. And yet, not creepy enough for our Bad Boy Vamp not to screw her in the past.
That IS pretty Scary . . . Mary . . .
“I said she was creepy, not ugly,” Damon quips, as Damon and Elena wander her haunted farmhouse of freakishness. (They made Jeremy wait outside. “Why so you two can make out more?” Jeremy griped. WE WISH!)
Don’t mind if we do . . .
Of course, Kol killed Scary Mary, before they got there. Now, not only will we never get to meet Scary Mary. We aren’t going to find out which Original sired her . . . probably for another season or so. Maybe I’m exaggerating. But I’m starting to think not. Kol starts beating Damon up again. Because it seems that poor Damon can’t go two episodes without getting torture or a beat down. That’s just the price you pay for being a stud, I guess.
On a shippers note, I did love how both Elena and Damon put themselves in harms way to protect their makeout buddies. “Don’t you touch her,” Damon growled, thereby causing my panties to drop again for about the 80th time this hour.
But be wary, Delena fans. Angst is-a comin . . .
In which Elena screws everything up (AGAIN), but Rose gives us hope . . .
Outside Scary Mary’s house, Damon and Elena fondle one another’s wounds, as we know they LOOOOVE to do with one another.
But Damon makes the mistake of asking Elena what her sudden change of behavior is all about. “Stefan thinks I have feelings for you,” Elena mumbles pathetically.
“Do you?” Damon asks stupidly?
(Really Damon? You have to ask. I mean, did you WATCH that hotel scene?)
“I don’t know,” replies Elena.
(AGRRRRHHHHH! These people are killing me!)
Then, Elena has to go be all b*tchy, and admit that part of her was hoping that Damon would sabotage their makeout session, so Elena wouldn’t have to face the fact that she’s in love with someone who isn’t SAINT Stefan.
As frustrating as this scene was, I have to say, I was super proud of Damon for staunchly refusing to behave badl, thereby giving Elena an excuse to deny her feelings, and go running back to Stefan again. Things may have ended badly between Damon and Elena, this week. But I think, overall, it was a positive thing that Damon held his ground and leveled the playing field. It’s about time, Elena chose a Salvatore once and for all, based on her true feelings, and not on some lame technicality . . .
On the car ride home, Ghost Rose whispers in Jeremy’s ear that Damon and Elena had a fight, which is why they are now not talking, whereas, prior to this, they were eating one another’s faces. (Well, THANKYOU, Captain Obvious! And here, I thought they had just caught a bad case of mono / bronchitus, from all that kissing they were doing earlier.)
But like I said, I can’t bash Rose any more . . . especially not when she assumes the voice of the entire Delena fandom, by explaining why exactly, Stefan is the “safe” choice for Elena (because Rippers are SUPER safe), while Damon is the SEXY choice. “She makes him a better person. But he changes her too,” she explains surprisingly eloquently. Damon challenges [Elena]. He makes her question her beliefs. He is either the best thing for her or the worst.”
Well, I’m going to go with THE BEST . . . but, other than that, I really couldn’t have said it myself. I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Rose. Thanks a lot. (And, hey, if you ever want a side career, in TV recapping, you know who to call . . .)
Welcome back, Psycho Killer!
Back in Psycho Killer rehab, Alaric has woken up from his neckbreaking still himself . . . unfortunately. Now, Stefan has to resort to beating Good Alaric up, in order to get Bad Alaric to come out and play. Alaric even removes his ring, to raise the stakes. It’s a surprisingly unpleasant scene, with Alaric bleeding everywhere, and Stefan desperately trying to fight the bloodlust he NEEDS to make this happen.
Eventually, Psycho!Alaric does appear. And he starts flinging insults at Stefan like it’s his job. “You’re pathetic,” he sneers. “You’re nothing,” etc. etc.
But Psycho!Alaric isn’t all that smart, apparently, because it only takes him about two minutes to reveal that he hid the stake in the cave “where no vampire can get it.” (Seriously, what’s with these people and caves? Doesn’t anyone in Mystic Falls like to hang out above ground anymore?)
Of course, by the time Stefan and Psycho!Alaric arrive upstairs, Klaus and Rebekah are already waiting for them. “Rebekah” gallantly offers to escort Psycho!Alaric to the cave, so Klaus can flirt some more with Stefan. Honestly, Klaus has such a big boner for Stefan it’s not even funny. It makes his boner for Caroline, look like . . . well . . .a handdrawn picture of a pony. “I want my friend back,” Klaus gripes.
But Stefan isn’t about to be won over so easily this time. He’s accepted his Ripperness, dagnamit! And now NO ONE can control him . . . well . . . except for maybe Elena . . . boyfriend is TOTALLY whipped.
Here comes the TWIST . . .
Meanwhile, over in the caves, Psycho!Alaric, knowing he’s in grave danger of an Original Ass-Whipping / Cave Murder, tries to strike a deal with Klaus Barbie, before he crosses the threshhold back to where vampires CAN travel. “Only one Original has to die,” he pleads. “Help me, and I’ll make sure it’s not you.”
A fair enough proposal, but Rebekah isn’t having it . . . as she Boldly Goes into the Cave Where No Vampire Has Gone Before. You see . . . because Rebekah isn’t a vampire anymore . . . She isn’t even Rebekah, anymore. She’s MAMA “I WANT ALL VAMPIRES TO DIE” Esther . . . .
. . . who’s currently borrowing her daughter’s body, like I used to borrow my best friend’s clothing in junior high. (Her body fits better though . . . My best friend was WAY TOO TALL for me to fit in her pants.)
I smell an ALLIANCE OF EVIL . . .
And that was “Heart of Darkness” in a nutshell . . . next week we get another Deadly Decade Dance. You can check out the Extended Promo, and a sneak peek here . . . (I’d give you the Canadian one too, if I could find it . . .)
Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!
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