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Would you like fangs with that? – A Recap of the Pilot Episode of MTV’S Teen Wolf

Is this a TV show, or a REALLY long commercial for Axe body spray?

A few months back, I previewed the trailer for MTV’s Teen Wolf, a sort-of new take on a VERY old comedy film of the same name that starred Michael J. Fox.  Last night, after MTV’s Shamless Promotion of All Things Twilight Movie Awards, I managed to catch the show’s premiere episode.  But just in case YOU didn’t, here’s what happened . .  .

It was a dark and stormy night . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one, before.)

“When they told me I was going to get a cameo role in a new teen drama, I didn’t think this was what they meant.”

Meet “typical high school student, from a small sleepy town,” Scott McCall, and his half-naked torso . . .

I vaguely recall glibly remarking, when I first watched the trailer for this show, that the main character was shirtless for about three-quarters of the scenes featured in the promo; and that this was most likely a nasty case of false advertising.  Well, ladies and gentleman, I stand corrected.  Suffice it to say that our new pal Scott never met a shirt he liked very much.  Fortunately, he has the body to pull it off.  (Pun intended.)

Anywhoo, we interrupt our regularly scheduled program of Naked Pull-Ups by Scott, to bring you this Very Important News Flash:  There’s a STRANGE NOISE Coming from Outside!

So concerned is Scott about this Strange Noise that he must put on clothing to investigate.  And we all know how much Scott hates wearing clothes.  With his trusty bat in hand, Scott slowly creeps outside, so as not to alert the Thing That Goes Bump in the Night that he’s coming.  It is not until he reaches the edge of his front porch, that he learns the source of the Strange Noise.  Brace yourselves, kiddies!  Because the Strange Noise is coming from . . .

AHHHHHH! It’s the Upside-Down QuirkyBest Friend / Insertion of Comic Relief!  Wow, they really had me going for a minute there.  And by “really had me going,” I mean “didn’t have me going at all.”

Upside-Down Quirky Best Friend has a name.  It’s “Stiles.”  Why is it that the quirky best friends always have the cool names, like “Boner,” “Cockroach,” and “Stiles,” while the “heroes” always have run-of-the-mill names, like “Mike,” “Adam,” and “Scott?” These are things I think about WAY too often.

Stiles’ dad is the Chief of Police in the Sleepy Town of Beacon Hills, where Scott and Stiles live.  After doing some snooping, Stiles learns that the police found HALF a dead body in the woods.  So, he thinks it would be a SWELL idea for him and Scott to go Corpse Hunting.  Though clearly reluctant to interrupt his fun-filled evening of Naked Chin-Ups and Admiring His Own Hot Body, Scott ultimately agrees to accompany his friend into the Dark and Evil Forest in search of Trouble with a Capital “T.”

“Bet you can’t do THIS, Naked Chin-up Boy!  Weeeeeeeeee!”

I should perhaps mention now that our hero uses an inhaler.  This, of course, is meant to show that, at least prior to The Change, Scott has “Human Limitations.”  Either that, or the producers just like watching him blow and suck . . .

Scott’s and Stiles’ Corpse Hunting Excursion doesn’t last long.   Stiles dad promptly finds his son in the woods, and drags him home by his ear.   Nice going, DAD!  Way to poop on your son’s CSI fantasies!  Fortunately (or, unfortunately, depending on how you look at these things), Scott has managed to evade capture.  His cunning is awarded, when he is ALMOST STAMPEDED TO DEATH BY A CAVALRY OF BAD CGI GRAPHICS FRIGHTENED WOODLAND CREATURES!!

As this was a surprisingly DARK show, in the sense that there was hardly any LIGHT on the screen at all, I couldn’t manage to secure a solid screencap of the Stampede Scene.  Suffice it to say, it looked a little something like THIS . . .

Though Scott’s head miraculously manages to escape the melee, unsquashed by hooves, the stampede does happen to nab his inhaler, during their escape.  Using his cell phone as a flashlight, Scott combs the woods for his inhaler, but instead finds the chewed-up female pictured above.  Though she kind of looks like an inhaler . . . and, in her previous incarnation, Scott may have liked to suck on her, she is woefully too large to fit in our hero’s mouth. 

(Yes, I recognize this joke was in VERY bad taste.  My apologies.)

And just when you think this night can’t get any worse for our hero . . . HEEEEEEEEEEERRREEEE’S WEREWOLF!

Wolfy tackles Scott, taking a sizeable chunk out of his insanely well-defined abs.  However, it ultimately chooses not to cut our hero IN HALF, like his last victim, because . . . well . . . that would make doing Naked Chin-ups WAYYYY too easy for him, now wouldn’t it?

“Dude!  Take it from someone who knows!  Get that sh*t checked out by a doctor, STAT!”

“I concur!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the minute Scott escapes the werewolf, he is ALMOST HIT BY A CAR! 

“You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

Now, under normal circumstances, I would have made some cracks about how UTTERLY MORONIC it was of Scott to go home, put some gauze on his tummy, and go to bed, rather than heading STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL, for some heavy-duty rabies shots.  However, given the CRAP night Scott, had, I can understand why he just wanted to call it an evening. 

After all, had he gone to the hospital, with his luck, the doctor on-call would probably have confused him with the patient next door, who was suffering from gangrene of the weiner. . .

“Hi, nice to meet you!  My name is Love Interest . . . er . . . I mean Allison.”

It’s the first day of school.  We learn immediately, that, despite his penchant for Naked Chin-Ups, and the fact that he sort-of, kind-of, resembles Taylor Lautner, Scott is NOT popular.  We know this instantly, because he (gulp) RIDES HIS BIKE TO SCHOOL!  Later on, in the episode, we see Stiles pick up Scott in his car, and we can’t help but wonder why the former doesn’t drive his pal to school in the morning to spare him this cruel indignity. 

Quirky Best Friend FAIL!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Stiles than adds insult to injury, by telling Scott that it is HIS fault that Stiles isn’t popular either.  “I’ve been Scarlet Nerded by you,” says Stiles.  (That’s funny.  I thought Stiles was unpopular, because he keeps interrupting Naked Chin-Up Time.)

In class, we get our first sign that Scott is going through “The Changes,” when he hears a cell phone ringing from OUTSIDE the school, as well as the ENTIRE conversation that takes place thereon.  I’ll admit that the whole “superhuman hearing” thing confused me a bit.  Why do certain sounds seem EXTREMELY loud to Scott (like this phone call, and his coach’s whistle, later in the episode), while others don’t?  For example, if Scott could hear telephone conversations made 100 or so meters away outside, wouldn’t closer sounds, like the breathing of his own fellow classmates, drive him insane?  Science geeks out there, feel free to help me out with this one . . .

Regardless of how or why Scott was able to hone in on New Girl Allison’s cell phone conversation, it ended up helping him out BIG time, when he overheard that she brilliantly arrived at school without a pen.  (She’s a real world-beater, this one!)  Let that be a lesson to you boys, ALWAYS carry an extra pen between your legs in your pocket. 

“Drink the Kool-Aid, Allison!”

After class, Scott is once again able to ignore the conversation his friends are having RIGHT NEXT TO HIM, and, instead, focus on the conversation Allison is having with the Popular Kids, who are trying to make her join their Cool Clique, because she is hot.  Allison doesn’t seem interested in being Popular, however. 

I assume this is supposed to make us like her/ relate to her more.  But I just didn’t buy it.  After all, when you are the new kid at school, ALL you want to do is make friends . . . any friends.  And if you can manage to befriend the kind of kids that are going to make your life easier in high school, you DO IT, no matter how big of jackasses those kids ultimately end up being.  Just sayin’.  Anyway, Allison looks longingly at Scott from across the hallway.  Eye f*&king ensues . . .

“I would very much like to devour the bottom half of your body, and leave the top half in the woods for dumb high school kids to find.”

“I didn’t know werewolves played lacrosse?”

School’s over.  And it’s time for the First Lacrosse Practice.  Every student who’s not on the team seems to be in the stands, which makes me wonder whether Beacon Hills High has any other sports / extracurriculars, or if it’s just a One Team Town.  The Lacrosse Coach is WAY TOO energetic and has an obnoxiously nasal voice!   He reminds me of what I imagine a used car salesman on crack would sound like.  It works for him, though . . .

“CRACK IS WHACK . . . BUT TASTY!”

“My whole life has been spent sitting on the sidelines,” Scott whines to his bestie Stiles.  Get it?  SIDELINES?  It’s a SPORTS METAPHOR!

But Scott’s not going to sit on the sidelines today!  No sir!  He’s going to sit in the GOAL . . .

He does this, based on his Oh-So-Supportive Coach’s theory that he’ll suck so bad at defending the space, that it will give the other players the confidence they need to start the season off right . . .

Things get off to kind of a bad start, when Scott, deafened by the ear-splitting sound of Coach’s whistle, becomes distracted, and takes a shot right in the head.    After that, however, his werewolf abilities kick in, and he catches EVERYTHING thrown at him, like he was BORN to play goalie.  This does not please Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, AT ALL!  In fact, it makes him SO MAD that he homoerotically slams Scott into the lockers, and asks him where he’s getting his “juice?”

“I REALLY want to kiss you, right now.”

“My mom does all the grocery shopping,” responds the completely innocent to the World of Roid Rage, Scott.  When Scott then comically starts monologue-ing to his rival about all the weird stuff that’s been happening to him since his werewolf bite, Jackson thinks the Unpopular Kid is making fun of him.  And so, like any cliched villain, Jackson utters THIS classic line, “There’s something going on with you, and I’M GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS.”  (Are you trembling with fear?   Because I’m trembling with fear . . .)

Who’s afraid of the Hot Bad Wolf?

After school, Stiles and Scott go back to the woods to retrieve Scott’s inhaler, and to get another glimpse of the corpse version of Venus Di Milo . . .

But, lo and behold, the body is GONE!

In it’s place is Wolf Man, Derek Hale.  He glowers and smoulders a bit, making some remarks about this being “private property,” before tossing Scott his inhaler, and walking off into the sunset. 

“Hey Derek, what’s with ALL the clothes?  I thought our kind liked to be naked all the time . . . Maybe that’s just me.”

Stiles explains that Derek is a few years older than they are, and that his whole family died in a fire, ten years ago.  How convenient!

Speaking of convenient . . .

Scott McCall – Dog Whisperer / Lady Killer

Did I mention that new-ANIMAL Scott works at an animal clinic?  Did I also mention that all the non-canine animals sheltered there now seem deathly afraid of him?  Gee, I wonder why?

It’s yet another “dark and stormy night.”  There’s a knock on the animal clinic door.  It’s Allison.  She’s wet . . . and sad.  Apparently, she hit some cuddly little puppy with her car.  Does it have an owner, one who’s worried sick about its absense?  Nobody seems to know or care . . . not when it gets in the way of Flirtation and Foreplay. 

Though Allison was somehow able to get the dog that she ran over into the backseat of her car, now, conveniently, she can’t touch it, because it is too angry and snarly.  Enter Magical Scott, and his Mesmeric Dog Whispering Eyes of Lust . . .

All of the sudden, Puppy could care less about having his leg flattened by the car of some random pretty girl.  He (or she) is in LOVE!  (And Scott didn’t even have to take off his shirt to obtain this result.  Go figure!)

“Take me to your Naked Chin-Up Bar, and show me your biscuit.”

As it turns out, unpopular as he may be at school, Scott is quite the little charmer with the ladies and the dogs.  Ever the smooth operator, Scott wraps Puppy’s wound, while telling Allison that he TOO would have CRIED, if he ran over a dog with his car.  (Wimp!)   He then helps Allison gather up the courage to pet Puppy’s fur.

“See?  He likes you,” whispers Scott.  (And by “he” I mean, “My Weiner.’)

Scott then pulls the “you have something on your face” trick, so that he can gently caress Allison’s cheek.  And if I wasn’t so impressed by how ridiculously good Scott is at this, I’d be truly nauseated by this entire conversation. 

Given how many points Scott has already scored in the “Get Into New Girl’s Pants” Game, it should be absolutely NO surprise to anybody that, when he asks her out to a party (to which (1) he was never actually invited; and (2) when SHE was initially invited, she lied and said she had Family Night) she agrees, before he can even finish his sentence.  Well played, Teen Wolf!

We end the evening with an at LEAST Half-Naked, if not MORE, Scott jerking off blissfully staring at the Full Moon rising outside his bedroom window.  (Uh OH!)

More Naked Scott (YAY!) More Obligatory Lacrosse Scenes (BOO!)

The next morning, Scott wakes up in the woods, with no idea how he got there.  And so, he frolics around half-naked for a while (which is WAY more fun than Naked Chin-ups!), and takes a quick dip in the neighbor’s pool . . .

The whole scene was about two minutes long, and had no plot significance, whatsoever.  And yet, it was my favorite part of the entire Pilot Episode.  Hmmm . . . interesting. 😉

At Lacrosse tryouts, Scott, not surprisingly, kicks ass again, this time, on offense.  When the Coach tells Scott he’s made the team’s starting lineup, everyone in the stands gets up and cheers, making me wonder if they too have wolf-sensitive hearing.  But Quirky Best Friend Stiles is concerned that his friend’s sudden sports prowess is “unnatural.” And so he takes a page out of the Bella Swan Book of Plot Explanation, and Googles “Werewolves” . . .

Stiles forces a very annoyed Scott, who is just hours away from his Date with Destiny Allison, to come over to his house so that he can explain this particular television show’s werewolf mythology warn his friend that he is now a werewolf.   In other words, from now on, but especially during a Full Moon, Scott is at high risk of becoming a bloodthirsty monster, any time he gets angry or sexually aroused. 

“First you interrupt my Naked Chin-Ups, and now THIS!  You are the BIGGEST . . . COCKBLOCK . . . EVER!”

Scott does not exactly take this news well.  And Stiles’ attempt to call Allison, on his friend’s behalf, to cancel their date, gets him even MADDER.  I smell another SEXY WALL SLAM!

“I am so turned on by you, right now.”

Scott quickly apologizes for his animal-like behavior, but it doesn’t stop him from going on his date with Allison.  After Scott leaves, Stiles notices to his horror, that at some point during the Sexy Wall Slam, Scott managed to CLAW THE CRAP out of Stiles’ desk chair.  Oops!

Scott McCall – Party ANIMAL!

We are treated to a few more Obligatory Shirtless Scott Shots, as our hero’s mom engages in conversation with him, while he prepares for his date.  She made some comment about him not getting his new girlfriend knocked up.  However, I can’t really tell you the specifics of what she said.  I was too busy staring at THE ABS.

At the party, things are going quite well between Allison and Scott.   They are grinding up one another, all close and sexy.  And EVERYBODY is taking notice.  (Remember, Scott is a SPORTS STAR, NOW!  No more being Scarlet Nerded for him!)

Clearly, Alpha Male Douchebag is not that good of a kisser.

But then Scott starts getting SEXUALLY AROUSED, and the TRANSFORMATION begins.  He rudely rushes out of the party, leaving poor Allison stranded, as he speeds back home, in his mom’s car.  (First Date FAIL!)  Fortunately, Hot Derek Hale is there to drive Allison home.  So, what if he’s SO OBVIOUSLY the werewolf who bit Scott?  Who cares that he literally CHEWED OFF A WOMAN’S ASS, prior to the start of the episode?  Mommy LIKES Derek Hale, A LOT!

Hey Derek, just so you know, you can eat my ass, ANYTIME!

Back in Were-Puberty Land, Scott is in his bathroom, and, SURPRISE, he’s taken off his shirt again, and gone to sit in the shower.  That’s when the cliched ugly wolf fingernails start to sprout . . .

Either Quirky Best Friend Stiles is a TOTAL stalker, or he was expecting this to happen all along. (Thanks Google!)  Because, the minute Scott is out of the shower, Stiles is at his door, telling him he still loves his pal, even though he’s a Beast in Desperate Need of a Manicure.  Scott inquires about Allison.  And Stiles informs him that his girlfriend went home with Derek Hale.  (So, I guess we are supposed to assume that Stiles was invited to the party too?)

Knowing exactly WHAT Derek is now, and the terrible things of which he is capable, a Wolfy-Headed Scott rushes into the forest to find Derek, while Stiles runs to Allison’s house (How did he know where she lived?) to make sure she still has legs.  Fortunately, Allison is OK.  The same can’t really be said for Scott, who looks like THIS now . . .

Scott runs into Derek.  And he’s all “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?  WAH!!!!!”

And Derek’s all, “You have a wonderful GIFT now.   I am your were- ‘brother.’  I will teach you how to survive and control your sexual urges.  We are going to bone so many hot chicks, together. Blah, Blah, Blah.”

Then, the Evil Hunters arrive and start shooting darts at poor Scott.  (Phallic imagery, anyone?)  Those bastards would have killed him too, if Derek didn’t go all BIG BAD WOLF on their lowly human asses.  (Like I said, I WANT ME some Derek, BIG TIME!)

The next day, Stiles picks up Scott for in his car.  (Sure, NOW he does it!)

I’ll admit that Stiles makes me fall in love with him a bit, when he tells Scott that he will help him cope with his Little Werewolf Problem. Mr. Sidekick is even willing to go as far as to chain Scott up in his basement during Full Moons (sounds kinky) and feed him mice (sounds gross), if he has to do so.  Now, THAT is true friendship!

Speaking of people who are unrealistically forgiving of Scott, Allison seems not nearly as peeved as she should be about Teen Wolf bailing on their First Date, and leaving her to get a ride home with the Hot Serial Killer.  In fact, all it takes is one puppy dog look from Scott, and Allison is already agreeing to Date 2.  Then, Allison’s dad comes to pick her up from school.  And I bet you will never guess what HIS occupation is . . .

.  . . Oh, that’s right.  He’s an EVIL WEREWOLF HUNTER!

And THAT was the Pilot Episode of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.  Be sure to tune in next week, for more Obligatory Shirtless Shots of Scott, Wacky Stiles’ Antics, and Smouldering Derek Hale Hotness.

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Teen Wolf: The Television Series, a.k.a. MTV’S Latest Attempt to Cash in on our Love Affair with All Things Supernatural (and Shirtless)

Having pretty much given up entirely on showing actual Music Videos, and having already cornered the market on “unscripted” reality series featuring all the young adults your parents didn’t let you hang out with when you were a kid . . .

 . . . MTV has decided to try its hand on “scripted” television series , that are ripped off from inspired by OTHER successful shows and films.  MTV’s most recent attempt at scripted fare, Skins, based on a critically acclaimed British series of the same name, was intially met with a whole lotta buzz-worthy controversy.  Unfortunately, that controversy ultimately did not translate into ratings or advertising revenue.

Now, MTV has found a new target: Fangbangers, i.e. the same teens and young adults who have helped shows like The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Being Human achieve cult status, the world over.  People like ME, and, I suspect, like YOU.

MTV’s Teen Wolf may share it’s name with a certain 80’s comedy film starring Michael J. Fox . . .

However, based on my review of the trailer — and the little bit of research I’ve done on the series, in general — the show actually seems to have a lot more in common with the recent onslaught of supernatural television series, than with any movie in which the so-called “Evil Beast” bears a striking resemblance to the “Teddy Bear I Still Sleep with at Night.”

There is no shame in Teddy Bears!  OK?  They don’t snore.   They don’t drool.  And they NEVER hog the blankets.

(In fact, Teen Wolf is actually SHOT right outside of Atlanta, Georgia, just a few miles from the set of The Vampire Diaries.  So, if you do happen to catch a vampire roaming across your screen, while watching the new series, you’ll know why . . .)

Now THOSE are some SEXY extras!

Teen Wolf stars Tyler Posey as Scott McCall, the wolfy adolescent, in question . . .

For those of you who remember Tyler as “the cute kid from that awful Maid in Manhattan movie, starring J Lo” . . .

 . . . be prepared to feel like a Big Ole Dirty Lech, because he’s SUPER hot now.  And, if the trailer is any indication,  he’s also at least partially NAKED for at least THREE-QUARTERS of the series!

Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”

“Scott’s story” is neither complex, nor particularly original.  (Then again, judging by what you just saw above, does it really have to be?) To make a not-all-that long story, even shorter, our protagonist is a fairly run-of-the-mill high school student, living a, more-or-less, unremarkable existence in a Sleepy Town, where he doesn’t get out much, and, probably never gets laid. 

 “How do I KNOW all this about Scott?”  You ask.

Well, let’s put it this way . . .  if you DIDN’T live an unremarkable existence in a Sleepy Town, where you don’t get out much, and never get laid, would you REALLY think it was a good idea, upon finding something like THIS, in the woods . . .

. . . to go out LOOKING for it’s chewed up and spit out OTHER HALF?

But go out and look, Scott does!  And I bet you’ll never guess what happens next . . .

That’s right boys and girls!  Scott get “mysteriously” bitten by a “Strange Creature.” [Insert Evil Laugh here.]  As a result, our Studly Man Child is left with a gnarly, but oddly attractive, gash on his toned little tummy.

Don’t worry, Scott.  Chicks DIG scars!

It’s time to bring on the Supernatural Teen Show About a Kid with Strange Powers Cliches!  Like, for example, the  Modelesque Love Interest (played here by Crystal Reed), who is somehow unaware of how modelesque she is, and is, therefore, still a Really Nice Person who’s “fun” and “oddly quirky” . . .

They are probably going to meet in class.  And he’s probably going to let her borrow his pen, while they engage in their Very First Eye F*&K . . .

And they called it “Puppy Love” . . .

The soon-to-be-couple is then going to probably have an Adorably Awkward (yet undeniably sexually tense) Conversation that is unfortunately interrupted by the arrival of Modelesque Love Interest’s Major Asshat of a Dad . . .

In this particular show, it looks like Dad may be the Major Villain of the story, leading his Red Neck Gang of Wolf Killers in a season- long game of Catch the Protagonist . . .

Rounding out this cast of characters will be the Sweet, but Dorky, Male Friend, who exists solely to (1) offer up mildly funny one-liners; (2) provide geeky insider information about Scott’s “condition” (discovered mostly through internet searching); and (3) illustrate first-hand just how much Scott has “changed” since his transformation, from the loveable loser that Sweet but Dorky, Male Friend once adored to . . . Roid Rage Man.

Also, let’s not forget the Alpha Male Douchebag, (Colton Haynes) who, deep down, has a heart of gold, and, probably a rich stuck up dad, who verbally (if not, physically) abuses him . . .

Wikipedia refers to this character as Scott’s “friend, Jackson.”  That, admittedly, would be a bit of a twist on the old formula.

We’ve also got the Popular, Kind of Slutty Girl, who’s Really Just Insecure .  . .

Then again, they can also turn this formula on its head, and make her the “Pining Gal Pal who’s Actually the Main Character’s Soulmate.”  (The verdict is still out on this one, since she only appeared for about a second in the trailer.)

And finally, we have the Wolf Version of Damon Salvatore, and, to a lesser extent, Eric Northman . . .

This is Derek Hale (played by Tyler Hoechlin a.k.a. That Kid Who Used to Be on 7th Heaven.). 

He’s the wolf who bit Scott “for fun.”  He also always wears black, considers wolfishness to be a “gift that keeps on giving,” refers to Scott as his “brother,” and, more or less, just seems to KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS, and be a whole lot more awesome (not to mention, hotter) than the main male character.

Sound like anybody ELSE you know?

Now, that we’ve got the characters down, let’s run through some obligatory scenes we will MOST definitely see on this show, shall we?  We’ve got the Sports Scenes (to appease our  straight male viewers .  . . or . . . perhaps I should say . . . straight male viewer?).  . .

 . . . the Sexy House Party with the Top 40 Soundtrack, that starts off Awesome, until Everything Inevitably Goes Wrong . . .

 . . . We’ve got the probably disappointing Jaw-Dropping First Transformation, which ALWAYS starts with the development of Dirty Yellow Fingernails  . . .

(Why IS that, anyway?  I’ve never EVER met a canine with fingers like that!)

 . . . and ends with the Must-Have Glowing Yellow Eyes.

Top it off with a few Well-Choreographed Matrix-Type Fight Scenes . . .

 . . . and a dollop of Supernatural Sex . . .

. . . and you’ve got yourself a HIT Series (maybe)!

But don’t take my word for it.  Watch the trailer and see for yourself.

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtv.com:636898

Teen Wolf is set to “transform into something hairy” on MTV on June 5, 2011.  Will YOU see it?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Last 30 Seconds Was the Best Part! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Please, Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.”

“Hey!  Watch where you’re putting those hands, Jason Di-Grabby Fingers!  Who do you think we are, Toby and Jenna?  I’ll be watching you.” – A

Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was unusually thinky and philosophical, wasn’t it?  In it, the girls discussed “deep” topics such as “immortality,” “aging,” and “leaving a legacy behind after death.”  I bet you didn’t realize you were watching such a SMART show, did you?

“These discussions are nice and all, but I was kind of hoping we’d get to discuss more important things:  like whether we like Fitzy’s new haircut!”

Yeah, see . . . here’s the thing.  Pretty Little Liars is not a show I watch for “deep thoughts.”  So, before I begin my recap, I have a little message for the writers.  In the future, less waxing poetic about the meaning of life, and MORE snarky messages from A / sex with inappropriately-aged men, OK?

Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

Glad we got that straightened out.   On with the recap . . .

Life’s a beach, and then you die . . .

“Does this insanely large ego, make me look fat?”

When the episode opens, our four main characters are making final preparations for Ali’s Memorial Service, which is set to occur that weekend.  They roll out this big scary-looking wooden box . . . the kind that always carries a ferocious tiger, or massive gorilla, in the cartoons.  Unfortunately, this box doesn’t contain anything so exciting . . . just this . . .

When the green packing noodles are the most interesting thing inside your box, you know you’ve made a bad purchase.

Despite this “Memorial Fountain” being hideously ugly, the girls marvel over its “sheer awesomeness.”  Aria ruminates a bit about how, long after everyone has forgotten SHE existed, Ali will still be remembered as “the dead girl who had the lame fountain named after her.”  Aria’s trying to be respectful of her long lost pal, but we all know she secretly wishes a monument could be erected in her honor – one that, for centuries to come, will be considered “home” by countless cigarette butts, gobs of drooly backwash, and piles of bird sh&t.

Aria’s Memorial Fountain

“That’s immortality, my darlings,” coos Spencer, in this weird whispery voice that kind of creeps me out.  Suddenly, we are flashed back to the previous summer.  The girls are hanging out at the local pool, looking pretty . . . except for Hanna, who’s wearing a t-shirt over her bathing suit . . . because she’s supposed to be FAT!  Apparently t-shirt = Really Huge Heifer in Pretty Little Liar’s world.

“Don’t look at me!  I’m hideous!”

Ever the philosopher, Flashback Aria wishes out loud that you could pick an age you want, and stay there forever.  Riiiiiiight!  Because 15-year olds ALWAYS worry constantly about growing old and aging.  You know what age I wanted to be when I was 15?   21 . . . so I could drink legally, without having to worry about my fake ID getting confiscated, and someone ratting me out to my Mom.

Fortunately, Ali has a FABULOUS solution to Aria’s wrinkle and cellulite worries.  Death! 

Hooray!

“Die young.  Leave a beautiful corpse,” Ali instructs Aria, as she relishes the thought of dying a mysterious death at an early age.  (Be careful what you wish for!)  “That’s immortality, my darlings,” Ali concludes, echoing Spencer’s earlier words.

Hey, Ali!  You know who ELSE is really into perpetual youth and immortality?  Evil Bloodsucking Vampires . . .

OK . . . OK.  I’m pretty sure this show ISN’T going in that direction.  But, COME ON!  Wouldn’t that be a fabulous idea for a spinoff?

The girls are shaken out of their respective reveries by a reminder that they will be meeting with Ali’s long lost older brother, Jason, the following morning, to run through the Service itinerary.  The crew take some time out of their busy Memorial preparations to diss on Ali’s Big Bro, wondering out loud how an Ivy League school could have possibly admitted a student like Jason, who listened to “LOUD MUSIC” and “DRESSED LIKE AN EMO!”

NO!  Not ELMO!  EMO!

That’s better!

And yet, when the girls reunite with Jason the following day, they find out, much to their surprise, that he isn’t EMO at all!  Instead, Jason is a Poor Man’s Ryan Phillippe, circa Cruel Intentions.

Same pouty lips.  Same “I just sucked on a lemon” face.  Still pretty hot though . . .

Jason is also kind of a D-bag.  Immediately upon arrival, he gives the girls an obnoxiously fake smile, and thanks them for all their hard work.  He then proceeds to subtly crap on everything they’ve done, and completely take over.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Jason adds a name to the list of Memorial Service Speakers.  Bet you can’t guess who?

 

WORSE!  Guess again  .  . .

Nope! 

Give up?  It’s  BLIND JENNA AND HER CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 . . . which she’s mysteriously stopped using, since the pilot episode.  (NOW, how are we supposed to know when she’s coming?) 

The Return of Deputy Douchey

“I’m BAAACK!”

Apparently, Blind Jenna wasn’t the only one Jason contacted prior to returning to town.  He also got a hold of the one man on this show whose D-bag tendencies rival his own.  It’s Deputy Douchey!  Apparently, Jason is interested in re-opening the investigation into Alison’s murder, and is unhappy with the way the local PD has handled the matter, thus far.  So, of course, Deputy Douchey immediately starts nosing around Hanna again, who he CLEARY has some creepy crush on. 

Kudos to My New Favorite Character, Hanna, for calling Douchey out on his unethical (but strangely hot) shirtless behavior.  “Exactly what evidence were you planning to uncover wandering around my kitchen wearing nothing but a towel?”  She quips.

Funny, I think I once saw a porno that began with this exact same line . . .

All Aboard the Lanna Ship (a.k.a. Lucas and Hanna Together Forever)!

Awwww!  I SO heart them!

Speaking of Hanna, things just seem to keep going from bad to worse in her life.  When we first check in with her, she is complaining to her mother about the total embarrassment of having her credit card recently declined.  Hanna’s mother explains that the family has been experiencing financial difficulties.  “We’re a one paycheck family,”  she explains morosely.  “We can’t keep living a two paycheck life.”

By way of illustration, Hanna’s Mom opens the refrigerator, to show her just how bad things really are.  (Conveniently enough, if you want to see a “before” picture of Hanna’s Fridge, simply scroll up to Deputy Douchey’s picture, above!)

“Now, honey, I know, in the books, you are supposed to be ‘bullimic,’ but do you think you can switch to anorexic for a little while?  The ‘binge’ part of the ‘binge and purge’ cycle is just too pricey for us, right now.”

“Does this mean I have to go back to using the ‘Five Finger’ Discount, like I did in the Pilot Episode?”

But, guess what?  Despite the obvious stress she’s under, Hanna doesn’t go back to STEALING!

Why, you ask?  Because of THIS GUY!

While the Soon-To-Be Couple (Come on!  It is SO obvious!) are working together on formatting the School Yearbook, Lucas unwittingly suggests that Hanna sell some of her old (probably stolen, let’s be honest) designer things on eBay to make some extra cash.  Ever the helpful guy, Lucas is even willing to help her photograph the items and put them online.

Hanna makes a MINT!  And even though she happens to be with her Snoozy Current Boyfriend, Sean, when Lucas gives Hanna her earnings, the two clearly share a moment, during the monetary exchange.  (In yet another beach flashback, we see Ali making fun of Lucas and warning the Not-So-Hefty Hanna against hanging out with “losers.”  We can’t help but notice, that Hanna seemed partial to the Nerd Cutie, EVEN THEN!)

Ultimately, Hanna does the selfless thing, by using her eBay earnings, to buy groceries for her mother.  As if we couldn’t like this girl enough, already!

In Emily and Maya News . . .

Emily and Maya . . . . .  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Oops!  Sorry!  I must have dozed off for a second there!  Emily and Maya went out on a date.  They went to see what looked like a creepy old horror movie.  It was VERY romantic, so they started to make out during it.  Yeah . . . that’s about it. 

 Oh, and Emily’s Dad is coming home from the Armed Services, which is exciting, I guess . . . Except, I never knew he was gone in the first place . . .  I imagine they probably mentioned it before on the show.  Maybe I was sleeping . . .

Aria Has a New Guy?

OK.  PLL, now you’re starting to make me MAD!  First, you have Spencer COMPLETELY forget about Wren, and jump instantly into the arms of the Ball Boy . . .

“Hey, when you HAVE balls, you might as well USE them .  . .”

. . . NOW you’ve got this random Noel dude, with big Bushy Caterpillar eyebrows, honing in on Fitzy’s girl?  WTF?

“You better watch out, NOEL!  I’ve got white pasty stick legs!  And I’m not afraid to use them on your face!”

To Aria’s credit, she’s not NEARLY as ho-ish as Spencer, and at least hesitates a bit, before “moving on” to a new man. 

Tired of Aria’s newfound mopey ways, Hanna decides to set her up on a double date.  You see, Lame-O Sean got four concert tickets.   Two of them will go to him and Hanna, of course.  But Sean’s friend, Noel has dibs on the third one, and HE would really like to take Aria as his date.  Recalling that Aria used to crush on Furry-Browed Noel,  Hanna tries to convince her friend to go out with them.  Aria initially declines, but ultimately, decides to go.

The problem is that Aria is still SERIOUSLY depressed about her parent’s separation and Fitzy’s sudden departure.  So, during the date, she acts like someone just killed her best friend.  (Oh  . . . wait . . . someone DID!)  Noel pulls Aria aside to ask what’s wrong, and, to all of our surprises, she opens up to him about her “ex boyfriend in Iceland” (a.k.a. Fitzy White Legs).  Noel sees Aria’s misery, and figures it’s the PERFECT opportunity to ask her whether the two of them can starting making out.   (Smooth move, Douche!)

Aria declines . . . but isn’t nearly as turned off by the randomness of the request as she should be.  Damn those hot boys with Wild Overgrown Eyebrows!  They get away with EVERYTHING!

And then there was Spencer . . .

Sigh!

Spencer was the only Pretty Little Liar who didn’t get any loving this week.  Instead, she was pretty much abused, accused, and berated throughout the entire episode.  First, Jenna informs her that during the last few months of her life, Ali didn’t TRUST Spencer.  Ali apparently told Jenna this, while visiting her in the hospital. 

Spencer later learns from Brother Jason that Ali told him all about the Jenna Thing.  Except, instead of admitting HER part in setting off the fireworks that blinded Jenna, Ali told Jason that SPENCER was the mastermind behind it all!

Spencer is understandably hurt, and more than a little freaked out, by these revelations.  Why would Ali say these things about her?  Apparently, Spencer and Ali weren’t seeing eye-to-eye during those last few months before she disappeared.  If this information gets out, will SPENCER become a suspect in Ali’s murder? 

Possibly, but she won’t be the first.  It was also revealed this week that Creepy Toby called Ali on the night she disappeared, and SOMEONE (either Ali or someone with Ali’s phone in hand) TOOK THE CALL!

“What?  Did you think they would just STOP talking about me on the show, just because I disappeared?  Who do you think I am?  Wren?”

Before the Memorial Service, Spencer receives yet another cryptic message from A.  “The Memorial Service is tomorrow.  Do it right.  I’ll be watching, just like Tom Sawyer.”

OK, ENOUGH with the High School English Literary References, PLL.  First To Kill a Mockingbird, then Catcher in the Rye, NOW The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.  We get it, Tom Sawyer attended his own funeral.  Ho, ho, ho.  So clever! 

Do you really expect me to believe that a girl as stuck up and shallow, as Ali would make this kind of reference in a threatening text message?  The Girl Who Never Met a Nerd She Couldn’t Abuse?  Even if she READ the book (unlikely), I highly doubt she’d admit to doing it.  Be reasonable, PLL Writers!

Remembering Ali

Here’s a scenario for you.  You have this “friend” who is total b&tch during her lifetime, but ends up dying this totally tragic, untimely death.

You have to give her eulogy.  What do you say?  Do you lie, and make up nice stuff about her, even though you know it’s not true.  Are you brutally honest, a la Jen Lindley eulogizing the sort of evil, but hilariously funny, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek?

I WISH I could find that eulogy on YouTube so that I could show it to you.  It remains, for me, one of the most uncomfortable moments on television, EVER!

Or do you do something in between.  It seems, in this case, that the girls go for option three.  Spencer discusses how much Ali would love all the attention of a Memorial Service in her honor.  She also talks about how nice it was that she was able to constantly fight with Ali.  (Not a smart admission, Spencer, seeing as you’re already a suspect in her murder.) 

 Hanna talks about how Ali “challenged” her (i.e. relentlessly berated her for being a chubby dork, and made her feel like crap on a regular basis).  Emily and Aria say stuff too, but it is so boring and meaningless, that I can’t remember any of it. 

At some point, during the ceremony, the Ex-Boyfriend of Spencer’s sister Melissa shows up.

“I come bearing flowers!”

NO!  I’m not talking about Wren . . .

Her OTHER Ex-Boyfriend, Ian!

Played by the adorable Ryan Merriman, who, unfortunately, was wearing a shirt at the time.

No one can really figure out why he was there.  But I’m sure we will find out in coming weeks . . .

Then Blind Jenna gets up to speak . . .

Surprisingly, she is kind of nice too!  She speaks about Ali’s strength, which, I guess, like the rest of the “positive traits” mentioned at the service, could be interpreted as “bitchiness,” but, no matter.  At least she doesn’t say anything crazy, like “I KNOW WHO KILLED ALI!”

After the ceremony, Jason approaches the girls with a gift . . .

It is THAT UGLY ASS BRACELET with Alison’s name on it!  Supposedly, Alison was wearing it at the time of her death.  BUT WAIT!  The girls already HAVE that bracelet!  They found it in the woods during the second episode . . .

Huh?

This is when THE BEST PART OF THE EPISODE happens.  As the credit begin to roll, we look upon Alison’s Memorial fountain, surrounded by tiles, and covered with candles.  A figure in black approaches it.  He or she sits silently, observing the memorial for a few moments.  He or she then takes out a hatchet, and BASHES THE CRAP OUT OF IT!  It is SO AWESOME!  That scene makes the whole episode worthwhile, in my opinion! 

So much for “remembering Ali forever!”  They really should have went with Aria’s Memorial choice . . .

That’s all I’ve got for this episode.  According to ABC Family there is only ONE EPISODE LEFT before the Season Finale.  That’s CRAZY TALK!  That would mean the whole season was just TEN EPISODES long, and I know for a fact that the channel ordered 22 episodes!

Whatever the situation is, there’s a PLL hiatus coming up soon, which means the next two episodes should be ACTION-PACKED!  See you then!

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True Blood Minisode 6 – Jason Stackhouse freaks out, reminisces a bit, freaks out again (yet keeps his shirt on – WHY?)

 

It’s time to curl up in bed with a good minisode starring The Hot One . . .

Welcome back Fangbangers!  It’s Wednesday!  (As in, NOT Tuesday.  As in, HBO waited until the LAST minisode to prove my entire “Tuesday Minisode Internet Leak” theory wrong.  Or, perhaps, the whole “national holiday” thing simply got in the way, and I was right after all.  I like the latter argument much better.  So, let’s stick with that, OK?)

Anyway . . . today marked the online premiere of the LAST MINISODE EVER to air, before True Blood kicks off its Season 3 premiere on June 13th.  And what better way to end off our “mini” season, than with a video starring this guy?

If you recall, during the Season 2 finale of True Blood, Jason Stackhouse a.k.a. “The Hot One” shot and killed Tara’s one time beau, Eggs.

(I couldn’t decide between making a cheap shot at the Dead Guy’s unfortunate name, or objectifying the Dead Guy, by including a shirtless shot of him.  Then, I  figured, “Hey, I look like a poopy head either way.”  

So, I opted for both!  EVERYBODY wins!)

Acting on impulse, Jason committed murder, in order to protect his bromantic buddy, Andy Bellefleur, from perceived harm . . .

 . . . and if that’s not love, I don’t know what is!

This minisode pretty much starts right where Jason left off in Season 2.  So, without further adieu, lets BRING ON THE STACKHOUSE! 

(Oh, and before you push play, here’s a little hint for you.  Pay VERY close attention to the final frame of this video.  I have a feeling it will have MAJOR importance to Jason’s storyline this season . . . ;))

(Thanks again to ShirtlessLocke for posting this.  I’m pretty sure I got a majority of these minisodes and True Blood trailers from you . . . In short, YOU RULE!)

SIX MINISODES and ONLY ONE shirtless male castmember image?

WTF HBO!  (In case you were curious, I’m referring to Sam in Minisode 4,  both as man and dog . . . Wait . . . does that count as one or two?)

Excess “shirt-age” aside, I think Jason’s minisode was a great “finale” to the Drop of True Blood minisode series.  Kudos to Ryan Kwanten for giving a surprisingly intense performance, in the absolute last place we would expect one.  God, Jesus, Mary Magdalene and Allah all appreciate your efforts.  As do . . . “Confusion” . . .

Scientology,

Aliens,

and the Lion from Narnia.

“Awww man!  Why couldn’t you put me next to the Fortune Cookie?  Haven’t I been through enough?”

You know, until I watched this, I never realized how many DEATHS Jason had been implicated in since Season 1.  R.I.P. Maudette, Dawn, Granny, Amy and Eggs.  Something tells me you’ll all be in good company NEXT SEASON . . .

So, there you have it folks.  SIX Weeks and SIX Minisodes.  It’s been a long and hard wait, but June 13th is nearly here . . .

  I’m so excited I could almost bite someone . . .

In fact, I’m pretty sure I am a danger to others.  You might have to put me in handcuffs, to protect the masses . . .

I know, I know, I’m shameless, aren’t I?  OK.  I’m stopping now.

You may think I’m being annoying, with my excessive (and not always post-related) shirtless picture posting.  But you’re going to miss these, when they’re gone!  Trust me!

(Speaking of “missing” . . . if, by chance, you have missed any of the previous True Blood Minisodes, you  can find links to all of them here.)

That’s all folks!  True Blood Season 3 premieres June 13th at 9 p.m. on HBO (as if you needed reminding!).  Be there .  . . or Jason Stackhouse may never take his shirt off AGAIN!

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Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood