This week on Once Upon a Time’s dramatic two-part season finale, the Author proved himself to be the crappiest alt-world fanfiction writer ever. Snow White got a new, even worse haircut. (Yes, it is possible!) A few people died, then un-died. A long-awaited “I love you” was exchanged. Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey remained Old, Dirty and Homeless-Looking, then died and stayed dead. And Storybrooke got both a new Author and a brand new Lord Assholes to rule over the other Assholes, both of whom are most likely exactly who you expected them to be based on watching previews of this episode . . .
And so without further adieu, for the last time this season, shall we review?
In Which The Author’s Crappy Origins Are Finally Revealed
If you are unhappy with any of the recent plot points of Once, please feel free to blame the shoddy hiring process that was utilized to pick the person who wrote the story. (The real-life writers and producers of this show couldn’t possibly have been more self-deprecating in establishing this particular story arc.) Apparently, the job of writing the “book of life” for the characters in “the greatest fairytale ever told” goes to the failed TV Salesman who chooses the coolest pen from a table full of otherwise really forgettable pens. (I’m pretty sure I even saw a Bic in that group.)
“The previous author died about ten minutes ago, and we need to fill the position, ASAP. So, we don’t have time to do smart things like call your references, or ask you questions about your job experience, or do a criminal background check, or make sure you know how to read,” explains Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey to future Author Isaac.
(In a clever nod to Disney verse, Isaac’s flashback actually took place in 1966, the year of Walt Disney’s death . . . thus confirming our suspicions that the man who created Disney World and Mickey Mouse has excellent taste in pens.)
“Look, there’s a magical door. Go play god for the rest of eternity,” offers Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey carelessly, which kind of makes you wonder how he got his job.
Perhaps he had to pick the grossest beard from a table of otherwise forgettable examples of facial hair . . .
EMIT A NOPU ECNO (That’s Once Upon a Time backwards, FYI)
If you want to venture a guess at the quality of the alt-world fanfiction Author Isaac writes at dying Rumpel’s behest, you may wish to consider the fact that he seemingly wrote the entire thing in about an hour tops. “Finish that book in T-minus ten seconds, or my prunelike black heart will turn to dust and I will become the Biggest Asshole this world has ever known. Also, there will be an Apocalypse. But no rush. Please, by all means, take your time determining the fate of all humanity,” Rumpel gently prods.
Author Isaac barely has time to spell check, let alone storyboard a cohesive plot. So he does what most of us would do in this sort of life-or-death situation. He cuts corners. He plagiarizes himself a bit. A “story where villains get their happy ending” becomes a “story where certain characters Freaky Friday one another and the good guys still win, except for the fact that the good guys in this story look exactly like the assholes from the other story he wrote.”
It’s all very confusing, and yet oddly familiar. Also, the Author writes himself his own happy ending in which he’s a bestselling author in the real world, most likely by writing the world population into mindless illiterates who have terrible taste in pens . . .
But Evil Author Isaac didn’t count on one thing . . . a boy with the power to screw up all his plans, ruin his day, and expose his book for the middle school grade piece of fanfiction it actually is . . . a boy who has positively no friends his own age, has weird codependency issues with his mothers, and has nothing but free time. He’s Norman Bates from Psycho basically, a.k.a., at least in this world, Henry.
Thinking fast, Henry decides to jump into Evil Author Isaac’s crappy book to save his family, much like the character in that 80s music video with the bad pencil drawings and the inexplicable car races . . .
You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.