Tag Archives: Heroes And Villains

Lord of the Assholes – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s Season 4B Finale “Operation Mongoose, Parts 1 and 2”

punch author

This week on Once Upon a Time’s dramatic two-part season finale, the Author proved himself to be the crappiest alt-world fanfiction writer ever. Snow White got a new, even worse haircut. (Yes, it is possible!) A few people died, then un-died. A long-awaited “I love you” was exchanged. Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey remained Old, Dirty and Homeless-Looking, then died and stayed dead. And Storybrooke got both a new Author and a brand new Lord Assholes to rule over the other Assholes, both of whom are most likely exactly who you expected them to be based on watching previews of this episode . . .

heroes and villains

And so without further adieu, for the last time this season, shall we review?

In Which The Author’s Crappy Origins Are Finally Revealed

author as salesman

If you are unhappy with any of the recent plot points of Once, please feel free to blame the shoddy hiring process that was utilized to pick the person who wrote the story. (The real-life writers and producers of this show couldn’t possibly have been more self-deprecating in establishing this particular story arc.) Apparently, the job of writing the “book of life” for the characters in “the greatest fairytale ever told” goes to the failed TV Salesman who chooses the coolest pen from a table full of otherwise really forgettable pens. (I’m pretty sure I even saw a Bic in that group.)

pens

It’s like one of those personality quizzes you take online, except much, much lamer . . .

“The previous author died about ten minutes ago, and we need to fill the position, ASAP. So, we don’t have time to do smart things like call your references, or ask you questions about your job experience, or do a criminal background check, or make sure you know how to read,” explains Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey to future Author Isaac.

whats this

(In a clever nod to Disney verse, Isaac’s flashback actually took place in 1966, the year of Walt Disney’s death . . . thus confirming our suspicions that the man who created Disney World and Mickey Mouse has excellent taste in pens.)

“Look, there’s a magical door. Go play god for the rest of eternity,” offers Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey carelessly, which kind of makes you wonder how he got his job.

Perhaps he had to pick the grossest beard from a table of otherwise forgettable examples of facial hair . . .

Sorcerers_Apprentice

EMIT A NOPU ECNO (That’s Once Upon a Time backwards, FYI)

If you want to venture a guess at the quality of the alt-world fanfiction Author Isaac writes at dying Rumpel’s behest, you may wish to consider the fact that he seemingly wrote the entire thing in about an hour tops. “Finish that book in T-minus ten seconds, or my prunelike black heart will turn to dust and I will become the Biggest Asshole this world has ever known. Also, there will be an Apocalypse. But no rush. Please, by all means, take your time determining the fate of all humanity,” Rumpel gently prods.

ouat 4.3 rumpel

Author Isaac barely has time to spell check, let alone storyboard a cohesive plot. So he does what most of us would do in this sort of life-or-death situation. He cuts corners. He plagiarizes himself a bit. A “story where villains get their happy ending” becomes a “story where certain characters Freaky Friday one another and the good guys still win, except for the fact that the good guys in this story look exactly like the assholes from the other story he wrote.”

bobs big snow

“It’s like looking in a mirror . . . a funhouse mirror that makes you look like you have a really bad haircut.”

It’s all very confusing, and yet oddly familiar. Also, the Author writes himself his own happy ending in which he’s a bestselling author in the real world, most likely by writing the world population into mindless illiterates who have terrible taste in pens . . .

But Evil Author Isaac didn’t count on one thing . . . a boy with the power to screw up all his plans, ruin his day, and expose his book for the middle school grade piece of fanfiction it actually is . . . a boy who has positively no friends his own age, has weird codependency issues with his mothers, and has nothing but free time. He’s Norman Bates from Psycho basically, a.k.a., at least in this world, Henry.

henry alone

Thinking fast, Henry decides to jump into Evil Author Isaac’s crappy book to save his family, much like the character in that 80s music video with the bad pencil drawings and the inexplicable car races . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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Mother EFFER! – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Mother”

reunino

Just in time for Mother’s Day, Once has gone and delivered us an hour filled with mother/daughter reunions, mother/daughter reconciliations, mother/daughter bonding sessions, and a fire-breathing dragon who burns people’s faces off . . . You know, the usual . . .

After all, there’s nothing more universal than mothers. Everybody has one. Even if you were hatched out of an egg and thrown into a time portal with an extra infusion of someone else’s asshole inside of you.

So sit back, get comfy, and let’s review. Why? Because I said so! And I’m your mother . . . but not really . . .

Because Even Sociopathic Psycho Moms Enjoy Meddling in Their Daughters’ Love Lives

looking for a man

Back in Fairytale Land, Evil Queen Regina is super cranky. It’s the anniversary of her beloved stable boy’s murder by her mother. And to make matters worse, some jerks had the nerve to get married on her property. You know, because the whole kingdom is her property, basically, her being queen and all.

regina annoyed

“Next time book the church,” the Evil Queen advises, after crushing the groom’s heart with her fingertips, stalking back to her coach, and driving away, leaving her father to hitch a ride home with the folks whose son she just murdered.

the father

“On the bright side, think of all the money you saved paying for a honeymoon!”

Awk-ward!

Every mother instinctively knows when her child needs her most, and Awful Cora is no exception. “You know what you need?” Cora offers. “A man . . . you know . . . to replace the other one . . . that I killed.”

You see, Cora knows all about Regina’s dalliance with Tinkerbell and the whole “your soulmate has a lion tattoo on his wrist” thing. And because even the worst mothers want nothing more than to see their little girls settled down with a nice hunk of man meat, Mama Cora puts on her matchmaking hat and sets herself on the case.

Because Tinder wasn’t invented yet, Cora decides to pimp out her daughter in the next best place . . . a bar. She quickly comes across the Sheriff of Nottingham, who, as we know from previous episodes, is obviously a total tool. But to Cora’s credit, he is also kind of hot . . . so hot, in fact, that if he never opened his mouth, he might actually turn out to be someone’s dream man.

shirtless sheriff

If only men came equipped with mute buttons . . .

Cora asks the Sheriff about the Man with the Lion Tattoo, and the latter admits that the guy is kind of a wuss who, like, has morals and stuff. Bo-ring!

“I may be closer to finding what I’m looking for than I thought,” Cora purrs seductively to the Sheriff, in a way that makes me wonder if she’s taken a break from matchmaking for her daughter and decided to try a little of her pimp gifts on herself.

Later that night, Cora zaps Regina into the poofiest, least Evil Queen-like dress I’ve ever seen and tells her she’s found Regina’s soulmate, the Man with the Lion Tattoo. “Mom, I never thought I would say this, but you rock!” Regina exclaims. “I totally forgive you for the whole ‘brutally murdering my boyfriend’ thing.”

reg and cor

Regina meets “the Man with the Lion Tattoo” except it’s the Sheriff of Nottingham with a faux sticker tattoo on his wrist. Having never seen the face of the Man with the Lion Tattoo, Regina is initially thrilled; after all, like I said, the Sheriff of Nottingham is hot. But then he has to go and open his mouth, and everything goes to crap.

“You are such a douchebag,” says Regina. “And I’m, by far, the coolest person on this show. There is no way that you can be my soulmate.”

“Ouch, does this mean I can’t f*ck your mother behind your back on our wedding night? Because, FYI, I totally would have done that.”

“I bet that isn’t even a real tattoo,” Regina argues.

Robins-lion-tattoo-3x15-Quiet-Minds

“Why, because no two people can have the same tattoo?” Sheriff argues. “I mean, come on, a lion . . . kind of generic, don’t you think?”

Then Regina does this cool thing where she makes the Sheriff’s fake tattoo come to life, crawl up the Sheriff’s arm, and then proceed to chew it off. It’s awesome, like an evil tattoo pet!

“Hey, hey! Don’t get mad at me,” the Sheriff exclaims, as Lion Tatt chews into his pectorals. “It was your mom’s idea. She wanted to get you knocked up fast because, let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger. I mean, I get that you are supposed to be playing like an 18-20 year old in this scene, but you aren’t fooling anybody.”

Regina responds by hanging the Sheriff by his ankles over the pits of hell. Way to mutilate the messenger, Regina.

Convinced that her mother was trying to get her preggers just so she could murder Regina and use her heir as her claim to the throne, Regina lashes out at her mother by drinking a potion so that she can never have children.

“Wow, overreact much?” Cora muses, when she finds out. “I didn’t want to kill you; I just wanted to get you knocked up because babies’ are awesome and your baby with that hot sheriff would be a totally sexy baby. And, yeah, I get that being married to a douchebag isn’t ideal, but we are magical, honey. We could have put a spell on him so he’d never be able to talk.”

no moe baby

“Anyone got any alka seltzer?”

“Oops,” replies Regina, clutching her now-forever barren belly.

“It turns out, your worst enemy is yourself,” Cora informs her bereft daughter. “Might I suggest getting a puppy?”

Meanwhile, back in Present Day . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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It’s Always Dawn-est Before the Dark – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Heroes and Villains”

queens of darkness

Welcome to the mid-season finale of Once Upon a Time, a.k.a. The Episode Where We Learn How Everything That Was Fixed in the Last Episode Will Turn to Crap Just in Time for Part B of the Season. It was an episode jam packed with ooey gooey goodness, and a heaping helping of angst thrown in for good measure. Let’s see, we got a wedding . . .

clapping

. . . well . . . part of a wedding . . .

ouat 4.1 belle

. . . we got to see a bride look in the mirror before her wedding . . .

“What? She couldn’t have waited another 20 minutes, until she got home? What a b*tch! Team Regina all the way!”

Two lovers rekindled their romance . . .

say goodbye

. . . and then . . . un-kindled it.

regina tears

Rumpel had a very good day . . .

everything i desire

. . . followed by a very bad one . . .

im afraid

. . . followed by a trip to the aquarium?

Lots of people made out with one another.

reunited kiss hook

And three very fabulous Drag Queens of Darkness finally found their King.

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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